The Decibel - Dating sucks right now, here’s why

Episode Date: June 26, 2026

Dating can be rough, but it seems to be especially bad right now. According to Statistics Canada, in the 1980s, 68 per cent of Canadians aged 25 to 29 were in a relationship. In 2021, that number was 39 per cent. The Globe’s healthy living reporter – and unintended Carrie Bradshaw – Graham Isador points to a few reasons why dating sucks right now: app fatigue, distrust of technology, and affordability. Today, he explains how bigger issues in society spill over into the dating world, and what might help make dating fun again. Questions? Comments? Ideas? Email us at [e-mail] Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Let's go this way. Should we walk to the distillery? That's a good... Let's walk to the distillery, because that's where a person would go on at a date. Mihal, you're a producer at the decibel, and I'm very excited. We're out in the world on this beautiful, sunny day.

Why are we out walking and talking? Cheryl, we are on a date so that we can talk about my dating life. Mihal Stein is one of the producers here at the decibel. She's also single. And thank you so much for doing this. and sharing some of your personal life with us on the show, because today we are going to be talking all about dating

and how the world of dating is very difficult. But let me ask you, Mihal, how would you describe the dating world right now? So the way I feel sometimes is it's like asking to get punched in the face and then getting punched in the face and getting knocked down and getting up again and asking to get punched in the face again with a smile. Basically, I feel like I'm constantly putting myself in positions where the reality. is like I'm getting hurt and disappointed but that is part of the process that's what you have to do and so I'm trying to have fun despite the reality of there's a lot of it that's actually not very fun at all

can you give us a personal story an example of a date that went really badly we have to go back a couple of years but it does illustrate the problem this was a deep pandemic date so there were no there was no bar to go out to. And so I was meeting someone at a park near my house and I just remember sitting down with this person. You know, we said hello. I might have asked him a question and he just proceeded to talk about his life in a way that it was the most interesting life anyone had ever lived. It was, I will say, objectively not. And he at no point asked me a question about myself and I started to make it a bit of a game. Like, oh, I wonder, I wonder if he can really go the whole date without asking me a single question.

And that is what happened. Oh my gosh. And so I basically interviewed this person. And that's like, we shouldn't be interviewing each other. A first date should not feel like an interview. Something has gone wrong there. And I'm sure I Mikal is hardly the only one

not feeling great about the dating world right now. This is something of a trend. Graham Isidore is the Globe's Healthy Living Reporter and he's been writing about dating for years. and about its recent decline. Today, he'll tell us what's driving Canadians away from dating

and what might help bring them back. I'm Cheryl Sutherland, and this is the Decibel from the Globe and Mail. Graham, great to be talking to you again. Hi, happy to be here. So our producer, Mahal, was telling us about how bad the dating world is right now, and she said it was like being punched in the face willingly and then having to come back with a smile, which I think is very evocative, right?

It does sound like it's work. It's not great out there. So how does that fit into what you're hearing about the dating world? Anecdotally, all of my friends who are single talk about what a complete nightmare it is to be trying to date right now. I think a lot of that comes down to a number of different reasons. App fatigue being a big one of them, people seem tired of being on dating apps, just like they're tired of being on technology in general. That also talks to some larger trends that are coming up, affordability. inequality,

loneliness, epidemic, technology, isolation, lack of stability. The list kind of goes on in that way.

But when we're talking about people having trouble dating, I think it speaks to some of the larger challenges that we're seeing in society right now

and that's trickling down into people's relationships. That's really interesting that these are like larger societal issues that are affecting people in their

dating experiences as well. And I want to get into all those things you just listed. But before we do, I want to kind of lay out something because

I feel like dating, no matter if it's now or 10 years ago, can eventually feel like a drag, right? So is it new? Is this idea around dating that it's more difficult now new? Like, do we have any stats around this? Like, what do the numbers tell us about dating right now? Yeah. If you take a look at the stats can survey from 2021, it says that 39% of people age 25 to 29 are in a relationship. Four decades earlier than that, that number was 68%.

Okay. So big change is kind of happening over, you know, a number of different decades there. There was another survey coming from Forbes and their health survey that said 75% of all users were experiencing dating app burnout. So when we're looking at these things, I think specifically kind of after the pandemic, people were only kind of looking to online to meet people and finding partners. And a lot of the fatigue we're seeing in dating, I think stems from that, you know, on a baseline level and then talks to some of those bigger. issues that we were discussing earlier. Okay, so let's go through some of the reasons why people are saying that dating right now is a negative experience.

One thing you brought up are the apps, and I think that many people can relate to this. Even Mihal, our producer, who I talked about her experience, told me that the apps are a really contributing factor to her negative dating experiences. People are kind of over it. People are tired, and I think it's now been, you know, 10-plus years of the apps really encourage behaviors like ghosting. It doesn't really force accountability in the way that, for example, if you're going out with a friend of a friend, if someone sets you up, there's accountability there because there's a friend in the middle. And if you treat your friend's friend badly, you're going to

hear about it. And so I do think that is one of the-dating apps have been around for more than a decade, right? So why are people getting tired of them now? I think that one of the reasons people are getting so tired of dating apps is because they're not really working in the way that they're advertised. There was an observer investigation that found that dating apps are increasingly pushing users to buy extras that have been likened to gambling products. So I think that there's a general understanding right now that a lot of these things have become pay to play and that while we're all coming on there with the desire to kind of find a partner, in those ways we're not really being chown to people that, you know, we want to be matching with and is not kind of leading to the, um, types of relationships that we want to have. Um, you know, anecdotally a couple years ago when I was on the dating apps, um,

I found it was just a way to make myself miserable a lot of the time. Tell me more. Why, why is that? I mean, I would be feeling myself or I'd be like, you know, enjoying the way I look or, you know, feeling funny or attractive or whatever in those ways. And then you would go on to a dating site where, you know, you didn't have very many matches or you weren't kind of getting the connections with people despite liking their profiles, or it was low effort on other people's parts because, yeah, they weren't responding to messages.

Yeah, and I hear that sentiment echoed among a lot of people who have been using dating apps. I'm in a relationship now, but everybody I know who is on the apps right now, I don't think anybody is enjoying it or wants to be. And that's a difficult kind of framework to kind of be trying to find a partner from. If you're not thinking it's going to be fun or if you're not finding that you're enjoying, enjoying the experience, it's hard to kind of create something meaningful outside of that. That's interesting what you say there about people not enjoying it because it also has kind of become a necessity, right? Like the apps, so many people are on them that it might feel, again,

I'm also married, so I'm not on the apps, but it might feel like you have to be on the apps to be able to date. I think a lot of people think that's true. And I think that, again, like coming out of COVID and coming out the pandemic lockdowns, a lot of our like social muscles have atrophied. So people weren't as accustomed to talking to people in new situations. People weren't going out as much in general. And I think that a lot of that plays into the idea that the only place you're going to be able to find somebody is through kind of these dating and swipe apps. But it's kind of a false dichotomy, I think, a lot of the time. You know, when we talk to some of these matchmakers that I talk to, a lot of people were saying that, you know, there's actually a preference to be able to meet

in person. It's just trying to figure out the different ways to be able to pull that off. And actually, A couple years ago, we did a whole episode about how people are getting out there more outside of the apps because of this fatigue. You know, they're going out and meeting at singles events or speed dating. That that's becoming more popular again because of this feeling like they want to meet more one-on-one. But to stick with the apps for one sec, there's a new layer in these apps, which is AI, right? How is that being used? The matchmakers I spoke with were very wary of AI in general. I think that it has caused people to be more distrust of the apps in general.

And they worry about being catfished is a big thing. So whether that's dealing with a person who doesn't exist at all or you're dealing with somebody who is using pictures that have been doctored in some with the AI or different backgrounds or touchups or what have you. Another big concern with it, I think, among friends was that they were worried that people were using AI to be able to. chat. So, you know, the people supposedly on the other end were concerned that they weren't seem interesting enough or didn't know how to have small talk or these conversations. So they're using, you know, chat GPT or other AI services to kind of answer some of these questions and then feed the answers back to whoever they were speaking with. So I think that AI in general, like, what's done is made people more distrust of like whether the person they're dealing with on the

other end is authentic. And again, like when you're trying to come into a new relationship, or you're trying to be excited about a potential partner, that's really hard if you're kind of coming from a place of negativity or skepticism. Something I've heard from friends in the dating world is that the apps have sort of broken people's ability to date properly. Like I've heard that, you know, people are not in the moment. They're thinking about the algorithm and swiping in a conversation one-on-one, or there's like this idea around the apps not giving fair chances to people, right?

So you kind of like maybe have a thought of who you want to date and then that person comes and that's not who you want to see. And also just our social skills, right? Too much technology has kind of dwindled these social skills. So, yeah, like, do we know, like, have these apps kind of ruin dating? I think that they've changed dating, probably in a way that's, you know, going to have long-term effects. I grew up in a time to date myself, like, a little bit before the apps existed. And I remember kind of, like, you know, my Fridays are Saturday nights in university and afterwards trying to go to concerts and social events.

And the idea of going and talking to a stranger who you felt attracted to at a concert or event or a play or what have you, wasn't that strange. Nowadays, I think that people have that kind of fear of being able to do that. And then I also think that, you know, when we're looking at the apps, it's this false narrative that there's so many people out there, I think, as well, too. And that endless kind of option paralysis can kind of come up because even if you found somebody that you, you know, vibe with, well, there's, you know, you know, X amount of more likes in your profile that you can look through or there's hundreds of other people that you can swipe through on a daily basis. And I think that that type of thing can really lead people to just kind of like dehumanizing, you know, potential matches in some ways. It's like it's easy to forget that there's another person on the other side of this when you're going through your phone and going back and forth on this, you know, in the same way that you would, yeah, go through any other social media algorithm. Yeah, it's like you're not giving a person a fair chance.

Yeah, I think so. And like, again, like when we're talking about trying to return to in-person dating and, you know, the experts and the matchmakers who I had spoken with, you know, really advocate for that in a big way. It just kind of is a different approach. Like when you're dealing with person one-on-one, or you're dealing with a person to your face, that I do think that we've all been a little bit stifled by our use of technology and our ability to talk to people, but it's different just kind of being one-on-one because, you know, hopefully you are in the moment to that point. Yeah, this echoes what Mahal was telling me on our little date. I mean, if we talk about the effects of being on our phones all the time and being on social media or whatever, it's a practice that makes you more self-involved. And again, talking about coming out of the pandemic, like we've all lost a lot of social skills. And at the end of the day, dating is just about meeting people and getting to know them. And in order to do that, you have to focus on the other person and you have to find delight in another person. And it's a wonderful thing when you can sit with another person and discover things about them that feel exciting and feel interesting. And I find for myself, when I can really inhabit that way of being, then I'm having more fun too.

We'll be right back. One of the big issues in Canada right now in many places is affordability. How is that spilling over into the dating world? I think it's put people on the back burner in terms of the date. when they're thinking about long-term relationships, marriage, kids, partnerships in that way, it's kind of pushed those things back by a decade. You know, a lot of people see their 20s as their opportunity to kind of advance their career and try to make big strides in terms of maybe that's moving out.

Maybe that's, you know, trying to put down enough money to one day be affording a house, getting the dream job. And so those types of pursuits are becoming the primary thing that people seem to be focusing on as opposed to the romantic relationships that can come later. So you're saying like on a larger scale, people are kind of looking at, oh, I can't afford a home or I can't do all these big things that you want to do as a younger adult. And so then therefore they're also pushing back dating into later years of their lives. Is that right? Yeah, that's some of the things that I've seen as a trend for sure.

There's a kind of double-edged sword to that, whether you're kind of chasing these career ambitions and something that's very job-focused in some ways or that kind of. or that kind of like hedonistic view that like hey you know even if I wanted these things like marriage or kid or house or stuff that has been commonly thought of of like what you should have as an adult those things are inaccessible to me because of affordability so why would I pursue that life that's that's not an option even if I wanted it what about on a smaller scale like how are people thinking about the cost of going on a date yeah there's a lot of different talk in terms of like how much dating costs in general right now. I think it becomes hard to go on a date just because everything is more expensive right now. You know, if you're paying for a dinner for yourself and another person, the idea of that coming to, you know, $50, $75, $100, isn't that crazy for a night out? It's very easy to spend. I'd say that's kind of low. Yeah. You know, to spend that amount of money to have an evening out. And if that's happening, you know, multiple times a week, if you're trying to date,

A lot of people don't have enough disposable income to make that happen for themselves. You know, the topics of like who should pay also comes up a lot as well, too. And whether you can afford to be going on all these different dates if you're also just not making them money to be able to afford rent is a big question. Should people just be more creative when it comes to dates and perhaps go on free dates? I have a friend who actually told me that she goes on what she calls errand dates. So one time she went to a grocery store on her first day, which I thought was pretty creative. Yeah. So is that an option?

perhaps doing something that's free? I think so. I think so much of the first date anyway should just be a vibe check. Hopefully at that point you've talked to somebody a little bit to know whether or not you like them in general. But can you carry on a conversation with this person for 30 minutes? Is it fun? Is it easy? Is it flirty?

Are you going back and forth? And I think it's pretty easy to know kind of within that first 20, 30 minutes, whether or not there is a connection. So I think those first dates are really just kind of sort of figuring out, yeah, can you guys communicate? and you have fun. So something kind of low stakes, low pressure. Our Gallery of Ontario has their Wednesday nights that are free. Always kind of a go-to for those types of things. You know, there's a number of different free events that happen within the city of Toronto and elsewhere.

That's fun to look up. And then also like trying something new in that way. You know, specifically when we're kind of thinking about different ways to meet people. Dating events is one, but also just social events like run club, improv classes. life-drying classes, all these different types of events that happen in the real world and you're meeting like-minded people because you know you're there with a shared interest in common. But a lot of time it just kind of falls back into that default of like going and have a cocktail somewhere and figuring out if you like somebody.

And that becomes expensive when, you know, the average price of a cocktail, you know, $18. $18, yeah, like for something tasty, you know, for something really tasty even more. And it's also something that we saw. the Globe before Valentine's Day put out call to readers asking people why they weren't dating right now and why they decided to stay single. And affordability was a big thing that came up there where it was just like if I'm having trouble doing anything else other than just kind of my job and affording my rent and groceries. Like how can I afford these different, you know, what they consider luxuries at this point, which is a, you know, a very challenging sort of situation to be in. Like, you know, the idea of getting a partner like falling in love, you know, finding a person that way.

It shouldn't seem inaccessible because of cash, but unfortunately that seems to be something that's popping up. Graham, I'm wondering, I mean, this is a simple question, but do we need to date? Like, could people just remain single? Yeah, freelance columnist for the globe. Myra Miller wrote about the rise of single women last December. According to her reporting in Canada, roughly 15.5 million people were reported as being single in 2022. That came from Statscan. And that's, yeah, one of the biggest numbers that we've ever seen for that particular statistic.

So we are seeing more and more people who are single. I think that there's a lot of the time, you know, people can get stuck in this idea that you need a relationship to be happy. And I don't want to discredit anybody who is looking for a relationship and is sad about that. But we are also seeing a number of different people who are kind of existing outside of that traditional dichotomy and finding a lot of joy, whether that being like chasing their jobs in big ways, travel, ambition. You know, the freedom that comes along with not being beholden to anybody else can be really magical if you kind of change the framework around that. Yeah, that's a really important point that people are happy being single and you can live a very full life of being a single person. But there are people, as you mentioned here, that do want a relationship. And I have to ask, like for those who are having trouble dating but have that goal of looking for a partner, are perhaps their standards too high?

That's a very interesting question. I mean, like, yeah, maybe. I think it's like one of those things that people think about in terms of like what your deal breakers are, what your red flags. And I think it's important to be able to define those things for yourself and not to stray too much from like what you want in a partner and what's going on. But there's also something about like when you're meeting somebody allowing yourself to be surprised and allowing yourself to be open to the possibility of chasing after someone or finding someone. who doesn't like necessarily fit in all of these parameters can make you very happy in a lot of ways too so it's like i don't think that anybody should have to like there's a there's a there's a savage quote um you know his savage love column was was important to me kind of through my my 20s and so whatnot um where he talks about there's like

there's no settling down without some settling for um which i always kind of liked as well too which isn't to say that you have to like entirely give up every um standard you have to be able to find somebody but yeah like where are the things that are very important to you and kind of where does that fall on the Venn diagram is something I think about. So for most of this conversation, we've been focusing on kind of like the negative parts of dating right now. But I'm just wondering to end here, is there room for hope that the dating world will get better? I think that it largely comes down to like the person you are. And I think that to echo the matchmakers and the experts we've spoken with, I would kind of push again for like, are you doing things that you would enjoy doing regardless? of whether or not you meant a romantic partner through it.

You know, a lot of time spent on the apps if they're making you miserable, maybe it's time to take a break. What I would really encourage was trying to find some of these different activities or groups or classes that you can go to, that you're going to feel happy doing, regardless of whether or not you meet somebody there. Going in with, you know, an air of possibility

and kind of a little bit of a sense of curiosity and wonder is a very fun place to be able to operate from. And even if you don't meet somebody at one of these classes, then you did something you liked doing anyways. So that's kind of the happy note that I would try to push out to anybody listening to this who's thinking of trying to date in a different way. I think a happy note is a great note to end on. Graham, thank you so much for coming on the show.

Thanks for having me. The way you described dating is that it's tough out there, right? Does that mean you've lost hope? I have not lost hope at all. I am encouraged. I'm only further encouraged. But I will admit that, A lot of that is because I've only been dating for six months.

And I think when you've been dating for a couple of years and not having success, that feels very different. I do often think of this quote by the late great Nora Ephron. Everything is copy. So even if I'm not getting the experience that I want, if I can at least have a funny story at the end of it, then it's all worth it. Let's leave it there. Thank you, Mihal. Thank you, Cheryl. And good luck out in the dating world.

Thank you, Cheryl. You'll be invited to my wedding, whenever that is. I'm going to hold you to that. You can't. That was Graham Isidore, the Globe's Healthy Living Reporter. And thanks to Mihal for sharing her story. That's it for today. I'm Cheryl Sutherland.

Our producers are Madeline White, Rachel Levy McLaughlin, and Mihal Stein. Our editor is David Crosby. Adrian Chung is our senior producer and Angela Pichenza is our executive editor. Thanks so much for listening.