The Decibel - Meeting IRL: the backlash against online dating

Episode Date: July 9, 2024

Dating apps have gained popularity over the past decade as singles strive to meet new people in a digital age. But frustration is setting in for many who feel that the apps are becoming less of a way to connect and more of a game that ends in heartbreak. Not only that, but the apps can get pricey. Now, people are searching for more meaningful – and in-person – connections. That online dating fatigue is leading to more singles mixers and speed dating events in many cities.Globe audience editor, Samantha Edwards, breaks down the collective shift in attitudes toward online dating and reflects on the conversations she had with singles about their experiences with finding love on and off the apps.Questions? Comments? Ideas? Email us at [e-mail]

You might have thought speed dating and singles mixers died out in the 90s, but they're seeing a revival in the modern dating scene. Make sure at the end of the event you have filled out everything, you hand it back to us. If you forget anything, there are instructions at the bottom. If you have any questions, we're going to just know. And then also, regardless of matches, you'll be emailed within 24 hours of the event. And then it's up to you to make that connection if you want to make that connection.

In-person events where you can meet other singles are emerging as an alternative to online dating, since many people are fed up with dating apps. Downloads on the biggest apps, Hinge, Bumble, and Tinder, have all declined since a high in 2020. So today, we're talking to Samantha Edwards, an editor at The Globe. She's on the show to talk about online dating burnout and why old-school dating methods are making a comeback.

I'm Mainika Raman-Wilms, and this is The Decibel from The Globe and Mail. Samantha, thank you so much for being here. Thanks for having me. This is a really interesting topic, so I'm really glad we get to do this today. And I want to ask you about this singles mixer that you went to. This was in Toronto. Just tell me, what was it like? Yeah, it was a speed dating event in downtown Toronto. I got there and the first thing that all the singles did was getting a circle and ask each

other icebreaker questions. So that could be what's the weirdest thing you've ever eaten or what's a random fact about yourself and there was definitely a nervous energy in the room a lot of people had never been speed dating before but they wanted to try it so yeah it was interesting and then after that people go and they pair up all the women sit and the men go from table to table and they chat for eight minutes. And at the end of the night, you say yes or no on your dating card. And if you have a match, the company, which that night was Flair Events, will connect you. You said there was like a nervous energy in the air. Can you just tell me more about that?

Like, what did it feel like to be there? During the icebreakers, some of the back and forth felt a bit stilted and people were kind of giggling nervously and, you know, clutching their drinks. And then once they actually paired up, though, it got so loud in there and everyone was like chatting and laughing and the energy really changed. And it seemed like people were really into these conversations. Wow. And did you get to talk to people? Like, did people tell you why they were there? Yeah, I talked to a lot of people there. And the reasons they gave were all pretty similar, which is that they were just tired of online dating in the apps and they wanted to meet someone in person.

And they thought this was a good way to meet a lot of different kinds of people in one night. And so it sounds like this was like in response to not liking dating on the apps. What did they tell you about why they didn't like that experience anymore? Well, they felt like they just weren't finding good quality matches. Like they would swipe for like an hour or two or a day and they wouldn't find good people on there. Or when they did get a match, they would have to juggle all these conversations. And very rarely did it actually lead to a date. People would flake out. And then even after you go on a few dates, people would ghost and they wouldn't hear from each other.

And what brought you out here tonight? I just haven't really made any connections on the dating apps. Tired of online dating. What about it are you tired of? Just like meeting weird people and like not aligned on like intentions as well. Everyone's been on the apps for so long and you can get into like a rut of, I think, kind of like superficial conversations or things that don't really go anywhere. A lot of people that aren't really sure what their dating goals are when they're online

dating. They're like, I just want to get to know people, which is great, but can lead to a lot of situationships, as they say. So it was just a lot of frustrations about how much time it takes to be on the apps to actually find somebody. So this like speed dating is kind of in a response to not liking online dating. But let's back up a little bit and actually talk about when we started to see online dating really become a thing. So what were, I guess, the first options that were out there? Yeah, so it all kind of started with Match.com. It launched in 1995. And the way it worked is that users would fill out this long questionnaire. And from that, they would give you your most compatible matches. And a few years later, more of these kind of dating sites came out like OkCupid, AnyHarmony, Plenty of Fish.

Then in 2009, Grindr came along and it kind of changed everything about how we look at modern online dating. It was location based. And so you would see the closest 100 men near you. And that's how the users were categorized. Yeah, that's an important point then. So really, this location-based idea changed the way that we could understand, you know, who we could meet or who we could meet up with then on these apps. Exactly. And then when Tinder launched in 2012, it really ran with the idea. And it introduced the swipe function. So you would swipe right on people

you liked, you'd swipe left on people you don't. And it was really easy to make a profile. Whereas those traditional sites, it took a while to fill out all the questionnaires. With Tinder, you really only needed to upload a few photos, a couple sentences about yourself, and then you were ready to go. So a lot of people joined them quite quickly. Yeah. So do we know how many Canadians actually do use dating apps? Like what's our most recent numbers on that? From Stats Canada, we know that in 2022, 9% of Canadians reported using the apps, and that is double the amount from 2018. Okay. And do we know how successful people are on these dating apps?

Like how many people are actually meeting their partner on here? Well, in the U.S., we know that in 2019, around 11% of hetero couples reported that they found their partner online through online dating. And that was actually up 30% for lesbian, gay, and bisexual adults. Okay. So almost three times as much. Wow. Well, let me ask you about the pandemic, Samantha, because like many things, of course, the pandemic did have an impact on how we date and on the online dating scene, especially. So what did we see change as a result of the pandemic? Well, dating app downloads peaked in 2020. And I think that's just because people had no other way to meet people during lockdowns. So everyone was on

their phones and online dating was part of that. Yeah, I think we all remember, right? So much of our socialization during those days because you couldn't see people in person. Our socialization was just online. And so it peaked in 2020. And since then, it has declined. Downloads have dropped. In 2023, they had dropped 16% from that pandemic high. Okay. So if we're looking at the experience on these platforms now versus a few years ago, what is actually different that you see on the apps now? A lot of features that were once free, you now need to pay for. And an example of this, on Tinder, before you could have certain preferences on the app for people that you're looking for. And now you need to pay, you need to have a subscription to be able to have those preferences, like height or politics or if someone's a smoker or a non-smoker.

So you need to pay for just to have any of that on your profile now? There's some preferences that are still free, but for some of the more specific ones like height, you need to pay for. Wow. On Tinder, if you want to boost your profile, which basically means it's the top of people's queue for 30 minutes, it costs $5.49. And if you want to have other features, like to see who liked you or to rewind and say you swiped left on somebody but you meant to swipe right, you need a subscription for that. And they're around like $40 a subscription for that. And they're around like $40 a month. Wow. Yeah, it can be it can be very pricey. What about the argument, though, that, you know, people who are paying for this are a little bit more serious, they're

actually looking for something, they're kind of more involved. Is there an argument that actually paid subscriptions is better because you're getting a better pool of people that, you know, actually want to meet someone? Yeah, I think someone, you can make that argument that the people who are paying to go on the apps or people who are paying to go to speed dating events and singles mixers, because those aren't free either, you need to buy tickets to them, that those people are more serious because, you know, they're spending their $20 a month to be there. But at the same time, not everybody is willing to pay for those. That doesn't mean that they're not serious about it either.

Now they're just at a disadvantage because they're not as likely to be seen by other people if you don't have these subscriptions. So, of course, people who are all ages are using these dating apps. And, Samantha, I'm curious, did you speak to anyone who's older and what their experience on these apps is like? Yeah, I talked to some older women and men, and they described very similar pitfalls of online dating, the idea that you need to juggle a lot of conversations at the same time. And even then, you might only get one date out of it. They described it as being like a part-time job and they were happy they were retired so they could put so much work into it and time into it. And other little things like old outdated photos, which maybe is more common with older people if they have older photos.

I know that you spoke to someone, Andrew. He's in his 70s and he's been online dating. Let's just hear what he told you. It's one thing doing it at 25, 35, maybe 45. But when you're in your 70s, it's a sort of strange, something you never envisaged. It's hard work. It's fun when you find someone and then you think you find someone, but you have to keep at it. It's fairly hard work. And you've got the photos, which could be before COVID and sometimes they could be before Christ.

I think you brought up a really interesting point here, though, is the fact that this does take a lot of time and it takes a lot of mental energy, too, to go through all of this. Did people tell you about that? Yeah, they said it was mentally exhausting and they would feel kind of just demoralized and they would be swiping and it'd be kind of mindless. They weren't really taking it as seriously. And as a result, they weren't finding good matches. And I think a lot of people, at least people I spoke to, said that this was an ongoing issue. And if they weren't giving it all their full attention, then they just assumed that everyone else on the other side wasn't either. I'm curious about this. Like, is this, has this always been there with dating apps? Or is this

more pronounced these days, this feeling that it's kind of hopeless and, you know, you're not really feeling as involved in it, I guess? The people I spoke to generally said that they've noticed it got worse in the past two years. And I think it's because everyone was on the dating apps and in the pandemic, people were just on their phones a lot more. And the idea of being on them, they got more distracted. They weren't being as thoughtful. And at the same time, all of these new fees started coming in and people didn't want to pay for them or they were paying for them, but it actually wasn't giving them a lot of great matches. So it didn't feel like it was money well spent. We'll be back after this message.

I want to ask you about the gamification of apps. You know, these are features that make it fun, keep us coming back for more. Do we see that in dating apps as well? Yeah, there is a lot of gamification in dating apps. And it's interesting because in 2016, it came out that Tinder, its algorithm used something called an ELO score. And this is the same ranking system that they use in chess. And in chess, it works by every player starts with a thousand points. And the more games you win, the more points you get. The more games you lose, your points decrease. And it was similar on Tinder. So the more people swiped right on you, the more desirable your profile looked.

And the more people who swiped left, the less desirable. In chess, they pair people up with similar abilities. And it turns out Tinder was doing something similar. So if you were seen as more desirable, you were more likely to see other desirable people. After this came out, there was a huge backlash from users because the dating apps always sold themselves as being an equal playing field. You just need to be in the same area as somebody and you could potentially find that special someone or whatever. And knowing that there was a secret ranking system

going on behind the scenes, I think users were really surprised and didn't like that. It was, they were being judged potentially on their looks like that. Yeah. There's even more kind of going on with this ELO score as well, right? It showed that certain groups of people were actually not being ranked as high as others, right? What do we know about that? We know from a 2021 study that Black, Hispanic, and Asian people were being almost penalized on the app because they were victims of unconscious

bias and they were seen as less desirable. And so it showed that the algorithm affect racialized people more. Wow. And so Tinder, from what I understand, says they don't use the ELO score anymore, but these apps still do use algorithms to decide who we get to see on the app. Yeah, for sure. After the backlash of that Tinder face, they said they no longer use the ELO score. But like you said, all of these apps still have an algorithm. And we don't know exactly how they work. But people have theories that still the most attractive people are in these certain sections, and you need to be a subscriber to see them. And it still doesn't feel

completely fair. So in response to being tired of apps, many singles are trying to find alternatives like the speed dating event that you went to, Samantha, and different kinds of mixers. I know you went to one event in Toronto. What else is out there if you want to meet someone in person these days? It's interesting because there have been so many events that have cropped up in response to dating app fatigue. There's lots of single mixers across the country. I spoke to the organizers of a group called Unhinged and they meet monthly and it's for people who are tired of swiping on the apps and they have games and it's just set up for single people. There's another app called Thursday and they have weekly events at different bars and you

find out the location 24 hours before. So this is actually an app that you go on to go to an in-person event. Yes. I spoke to a therapist in Ottawa named Sue McGarvey, and she started a group called Over 40 Connect. And it's specifically for people who are over 40 and living in the Ottawa region. She plans weekly get togethers for singles. And she says that they've had dozens of couples come out of these events. And yeah, so I think people are just want to go and meet people in the real world. So I guess, do we have a sense then of how effective in-person dating is compared to online dating? We don't have hard data on this, but I think from the people I spoke to, they said it's less exhausting just to go out in person, which maybe sounds surprising, but you can see right away if you click with somebody.

So at speed dating, people would know within eight minutes if they clicked with someone or not, whereas it might take you a week of chatting back and forth on the apps to realize that. Or maybe you chat back and forth for two weeks, you finally meet up and you know right away that the vibe is just not there. And so I think the one good thing about meeting people in real life is you can see sooner whether or not, you know, this person could be a potential partner. Yeah. As you said, like the vibe is really key, right? And you can't always get that online. You can get that in person though. From the people you talked to, did you actually hear any success stories with the in-person meeting someone? Yeah. I followed up with a lot of people from the speed dating event and there were quite a few matches and a lot of first dates. At the event, I met a woman named Kira and she's 31 years old. She was really tired of

being on the dating apps. And she said she was a bit introverted. So it was hard for her to meet people out at a bar at an event. One day we were joking about how awesome it would be if there was like a speed dating event that's available for younger people like in this age group. And then I just Googled it and there were so many and so super exciting. So it sounds like there are people are finding success here. Did anyone mention to you though, Samantha, any, I guess, pitfalls to in-person events or speed dating events like this? Yeah, I talked to some people and the thing with speed dating is that it's not tailored. It's basically can be anyone within a certain age range.

Usually it's around 10 years age range. And as a result, you're going to find a wide variety of people. If you're really picky, it might be harder for you to find a match there because you're meeting all kinds of different people. I guess, can we just look at this issue more broadly here? We've been talking about the details of this, but what does this move towards speed dating, in-person meeting? I guess, what does that say about how we think

about connections these days? I think so much of our lives are spent online and our social skills have kind of eroded over the past few years, especially with all of us being in lockdown and being online. And as a result, the way that we communicate on dating apps has also gone downhill. And I think a lot of people just want to have a more genuine connection with somebody. It's so hard to know why somebody ghosts you. And it's so hard to

know why someone just stops replying to your messages. And those can be like really emotional, like difficult things to deal with too. Mentally, emotionally, those can all be really stressful. Yeah, it's really hard for people to face that rejection. And I think it's easier to also reject people when it's behind a screen because you don't have to do it face to face. And I think it's easier to also reject people when it's behind a screen because you don't have to do it face to face. And it's really demoralizing for people. Yeah. A lot of people still are on the apps. It's still the default way to start dating these days. I think people are just really frustrated by them and are feeling just tired of how they work. I heard a lot of people say that they would be on for a couple months and then go off.

And it was just this back and forth relationship with the app. So I don't think people are quitting them altogether en masse, but they're definitely more frustrated. So just in our last couple minutes here, Samantha, I know you spoke to a relationship therapist and a dating coach. What did they say people should try if they if they want to try or birdwatching, go online, find those groups, and then actually go to an event. And if you're shy, bring a friend. They also said to try things like speed dating and singles mixers. Everyone there you know will have it has a similar intention as you. They are single and they're looking for somebody. And to also try to approach people out in the real world. And I know it can be really intimidating, but a lot of the therapists and dating coaches I spoke to stress that, you know, women should make the first move and go out there and give

their numbers out and to be a bit more brave and bold and, you know, don't be creepy about it, but still maybe approach somebody in a way that maybe you wouldn't have five years ago. Because I think online dating is still the default for how a lot of people are dating these days, but to supplement it with other things. And they said, if you are still on the apps, just to be very intentional about why you're there. So try not to have 12 conversations going at the same time, because you're going to let some of those slide and you're not going to be responding to all of them thoughtfully. And to be upfront with the people you're speaking to about what you're looking for. If it's a relationship, if it's something more casual, try to be the most authentic and honest

that you can be on the apps. And I think importantly, don't spend too much time on them and kind of give yourself limits. If it's making you feel bad, then go off it for a couple of months and then maybe go back on. Samantha, it's been great to have you here. Thank you so much for doing this. Thanks for having me. That's it for today. I'm Maina Karaman-Wells.

This episode was produced by our intern, Aja Sauter. Our producers are Madeline White, Cheryl Sutherland, and Rachel Levy-McLaughlin. David Crosby edits the show. Adrian Chung is our senior producer, and Matt Frainer is our managing editor. Thanks so much for listening, and I'll talk to you soon.