The Decibel - The case for teaching your child it’s okay not to share

Episode Date: April 8, 2025

In the age of gentle parenting, a new trend has emerged: parents are changing the ways they talk to their young children about sharing. Rather than forcing their kids to share their toys, relenting to their playmates’ demands, some parents are encouraging their children to say “no” and stand up for themselves.Amberly McAteer is a contributing parenting columnist for the Globe. She joins the show to talk about what it looks like to teach your kids it’s okay not to share all the time, how she’s adopted this mentality with her own children, and why she believes it will lead them to become more empowered and self-assured as they grow up.Questions? Comments? Ideas? Email us at [e-mail]

So my older daughter had just come back from the dentist and as dentists do, he had awarded her a toy of her choosing. Usually, let's be honest, it's a piece of junk. That's Amberlee McAteer, a contributing columnist for the Globe. She's also the mom of a four-year-old and a two-year-old. So she chose a small bag of marbles. And these marbles, when I tell you, they soon became the only thing that mattered to either of my kids. All you could hear was, it's mine. No, it's

mine. It's mine. In situations like these, parents will often encourage their kid to share with their sibling. You know, we were saying things like, be a good sister. Come on. Be kind. Let her have a turn, just share. But then Amberlee had another thought. It finally hit me in the heat of this marbles moment. Why was I forcing my kid to share this new, amazing thing to her that she's so proud of? What if her saying mine was not a bad word?

Teaching your kid they don't have to share might be a controversial idea, but it's an idea that's gaining traction. Today on The Decibel, Amberley's here to talk about how the thinking around teaching your kids to share is starting to change, and how it might just lead to kinder, more self-assured adults.

I'm Manika Ramen-Wilms and this is The Decibel from The Globe and Mail. Amberley, thanks so much for being back again. Hey, Manika. Thanks for having me. So, Amberley, we just heard about this conflict between your four-year-old and your two-year-old over this bag of marbles. What was your thinking around telling your older daughter that she did not have to share those marbles?

Well, she had just had a great dentist visit and she was awarded something special. So it was a shift for me to see and respect her agency in that moment. Like I shifted to seeing it as an empowering thing. Like, no, these are mine. And I thought about about in that moment, about the long-term goals that I have as a parent.

Like who do I want my children to be? Of course I want them to be kind and generous, but most of all respectful. And I also want them to turn into confident women who are unflinching in their ability to stand up for what they want and need and deserve. You know, I think those messages start at a young age and when we expect and only tolerate the quote-unquote good, polite, docile behavior, you know, Manika, the

kind of behavior that makes moms look good on play dates, if that's the only behavior that we're tolerating, I think that's the wrong message. And I think it can create people pleasing adults later in life who don't stand up for what they want. Okay, so there's something interesting here. It's it's in a way, you know, maybe letting your daughter kind of assert something that that she cares about absolutely wants. Can we just I guess, briefly define sharing care, Amberley, like what are we actually talking about in terms of behavior? It's a good question. And what we're talking about here

is young kids sharing or not their beloved things, you know, toys, books, whatever their random precious thing is with other kids. We're not talking about sharing a space. And of course, I'm not advocating for making another kid feel excluded or alone on purpose. What we're doing is using and normalizing and validating words like, this is mine, no, I'm not done with it yet, thank you, but no, I'm using this right now.

And for parents not to see that language as a negative thing. You know, I think about the park that's close to my house and there's a swing set that only has two swings. Sometimes what will happen is I've just put my kids on the swing set and another family comes along and their kids want to turn on the swings. Now, sort of like this philosophical question, but would you take your kids off the swings because there's other kids who are upset

that they want the swing right now. And so what I teach and what I aim for is trying to say things like, well let you know when we're done, we're using this right now, it'll be your turn soon. But trust me I've gotten some looks. Adults have a problem with that kind of language with children. But I want to instill in my kids that we see and we hear them and their opinions matter. And then also on the other side when they want a thing that's occupied right now, if they come up to the swing set and it's in use, we respect other people's wishes too. We can be disappointed, we can feel our feelings, but we understand that it's not an insult

When someone says that they're using the swings right now and just because they're not sharing with us doesn't mean that they don't Care about us as people Okay, so it sounds like what you're saying too It's not about really the no never letting the other kid have a turn But it's kind of like the idea of not immediately relenting when your kid still wants to be on the swings. Yeah, absolutely. And that is a scene that plays out all the time in play dates, in mom groups, where you know, you just want your kid to just give over the book. Like, what does it matter? Just give the book. Somebody else

is upset. Accommodate them. But there's a real agency and power in letting your kid know that they don't have to. Why is sharing something that we teach our kids at all? Like, I guess I wonder, like, this is a specific behavior, obviously, but is it, I guess, basic building blocks for other stuff later on? Why is why is this so important at a young age? Yeah, I think when sharing happens, you know, from a genuine place of generosity and awareness of the world around us and it can teach us to be part of something bigger and it teaches kids that, you know, experiences are even better when they're shared with someone.

You know, I keep coming back to the analogy of a good book in adulthood. Like, I love nothing more than passing along a good book that I've just finished to a friend. I love it. I like to hear what they think. We have the shared experience. But if my friend came along and saw me reading and she said, hey, that looks good. Can I have it? You know, in adulthood, we're okay with saying,

oh, I'm not done with it. But when I'm done with it, I'll let you know. You know, I'm not done with it. But when I'm done with it, I'll let you know. I'm experiencing this right now. But when kids say that, parents often feel shame. Let me also ask you how gender plays into this, Amberlee, because I imagine that this is a factor here, right? So how does that affect who is socialized to share? It is a big question.

I really wish there was data on how boys and girls are expected to share and their experiences. I couldn't find any, but anecdotally, my mom friends, they all knew exactly what I was talking about and related immediately to this idea that, you know, as young girls we were all expected to be nice, to be giving, to be accommodating, to put aside and maybe stifle what we want because we want to make the room happy. You know, gets along well with others is something that was always on my report card. But my guy friends, my dad friends, they couldn't really relate. They

couldn't remember being asked to blindly share their things or having their actions around how kind and giving be reflective of how good of a kid they're deemed to be. And, you know, men are raised to be leaders and girls are raised to be accommodating maternal caretakers. You know, we're like, we often respond to other people's needs first. But I think that's another podcast. That's a whole separate conversation. respond to other people's needs first. But I think that's another podcast. That's a whole separate conversation.

Let's let's come back to this situation with the Marvels, though, Amberlee, because we've talked about how you responded to your older daughter. But there's also your younger daughter in this situation, right? She's just had her ask rejected by her big sister. So how do you help her learn to accept her sister's boundaries in that moment? Yeah, it's a good question. So the other side of it. I think it's equally important to respect and understand other people's wishes. You know, she's two. But when someone like your sister says, you can't have this thing right now in a respectful way,

we now try to get our kids to understand that that doesn't mean they don't like us. You know, it's hard to tell a two-year-old don't take it personally. But we know that if they want, we'll have a turn when they're done. And we have so many other things to play with. It's okay to feel our feelings. I really tried because obviously she was upset. And then she was also upset that mommy was like just saying, you know, big kid, these are yours. And then she was also upset that Mommy was like just saying, you know, big kid, these are yours. And so I said, it's okay to feel disappointed. We can feel that, we can sit with it.

And then you and I, let's go draw a picture together. And then when my older kid was done with her marbles in her room, she came down and she gave two to her younger sister. But then she added, you know, I need them back by the end of the day. Which I thought was like as much as you can ask for from a four year old.

That's not bad, yeah. But it seems like what you're saying is it's a little bit of distraction or yeah, redirecting. Redirecting, but also understanding those feelings of disappointment, not trying to, you know, hide that that's a fact of life, that people are going to say no to us. And then also though, I feel like it's a model for her to understand that when she says she's got something, when the tables turn, she's

not obligated to hand it over either. So this idea kind of of holding boundaries, developing boundaries, it sounds a little bit like some ideas we've discussed when talking about gentle parenting before, Emmerly. So is this related to this broader concept of gender parenting? Absolutely it is. So one of like the tenets of gentle parenting is seeing your kid, validating your kid, and more and more it's come up that we don't have to force our kids to share because they are little people with their own developmental capabilities, but

we don't have to make them feel obligated to do something. So it is a part of gentle parenting. You know, if I can just say I really wish the gentle parenting wasn't called gentle parenting. It sounds soft and it sounds passive and it sounds like parents are pushovers and the kid is in charge. You know, it sounds easy, but I really think that it's anything but easy. It's a lot harder to understand where your kid is at and control your own emotional responses to your kid behaving as they do. You know, I'd argue that it's easier to yell at your kids to share, or if they're not, like you grab that toy from them and you give it away,

and they just obey because they're afraid of you. We'll be right back. Can we look just very briefly at the developmental stage of a child that makes it so hard for them to share? Like when they're little, is it actually like something difficult for them to comprehend that process? Yeah, absolutely. So I spoke with Vanessa LaPointe for this column.

She's a pretty well-known child development expert in Vancouver. She's known as the parent whisperer on Instagram. So anyway, she told me that developmentally sharing is one of those things that young kids are just not actually able to do. Their prefrontal cortex in their brain is just not developed enough. It's like asking a four-year-old to do an algebraic equation. You know, and they can't hold these two ideas at once that I want this toy, and I also know that you want this toy, and I want you to be happy with this toy. And that's kind of what genuine sharing comes down to is that I love this thing, and I also want you to love this thing. They don't have the logical connections in their brain to understand that. But yet, studies have shown that the majority of parents think young kids as young as two should be sharing well with others.

But by nature, young kids, they're self-centered. And there's nothing wrong with that. And so as we grow and develop past the age of seven, we become more aware to like what psychologists call pro-social behavior. So we start to realize that we're part of a society and team building and all of those things. But I'd argue that still, even then, when we know how to share, feeling obligated to share is a different thing. And, you know, setting firm boundaries and being confident and having the agency to say, my own experience matters in this society is also what makes

a society successful and what makes people content and confident, which I think is important too. So, Amberlee, we've talked about how this idea of not teaching our kids to share would work. I imagine this idea has some critics though, right? So what does the other side have to say about this line of thinking that young children shouldn't necessarily be encouraged to share? Oh, boy.

The critics have come out and they have a lot to say. The parallels, you know, of the cultural moment that we're in has not gone over a lot of people's heads when we talk about sharing and kindness. You know, we're in a real moment with obviously the US President and obviously Canadian relations. I have been told more than once, way more than once, that, you know, by teaching my kids, it's okay not to share that I'm raising a tiny army of selfish Elon Musk ask people that they say you know what happened to generosity of spirit and kindness and community over the individual because they think this

moment really calls for generosity. So I'm not an expert in geopolitical economic North American relations but you know what we're talking about is free trade and that we're actually talking about similar things, sharing things, maintaining relationships, maintaining friendships. And now I believe we have a situation where a friend or a president has become like a schoolyard bully. And so how do we relate to a schoolyard bully? And I don't believe the response should be toxic kindness to let them have whatever they want to show, your experience matters more than mine.

I think actually the idea of standing up for oneself and expressing one's self-interest and saying, actually, you can't have that right now is as important than ever. Hmm. I also wonder if sharing is, you know, maybe connected to other traits like empathy and generosity, which we've been talking about,

if there's a change in how we talk about sharing, does that also mean changing, I guess, how we teach these other traits? Well, I don't think that you'll find a gentle parent or a good parent for that matter who's going to tell you that we want to raise anti-social, mean-spirited little kids. I think we want to raise them to understand and to respect and have the agency and the empowerment to say no, to say this is my thing, but I see you and I hear you. So I think empathy and generosity, like those are things that happen, you know, much later in adolescence to actually care about somebody else's experiences deeply.

Like, you know, maybe they'll negotiate and say, we can take turns or we can trade toys, but they should still be able to say, you just can't have the thing that's bringing me joy right now, like my joy matters too. And like I said, I don't think that those two ideas are mutually opposing. I think we can be a good member of society and then also be empathetic

and also express boundaries for what we want. Of course, once children hit a certain age, they're in school, right? So someone else is setting the standard of how they're interacting in that classroom and how they're sharing things. Of course, absolutely. How do schools typically deal with this kind of sharing?

So I spoke with an early childhood education consultant. Her name was Julie Hansen. She's out on the Sunshine Coast. So that's exactly what she does, Maynika. Like she thinks about these ideas of sharing and small kids interacting, you know, in big groups all the time. And she agrees that kids might not have the developmental ability to fully understand sharing. You know, she wants the kids to have stepping stones. So that she talked about the request for a thing and the response to a thing, you know,

a kid can kindly say, when you're done with that, can I have a turn? And then the kid that's using the thing can say, when I'm done with this, I'll let you know. So she spends her days, you know, thinking about how a kid politely can ask for the thing. And in my girl's school, so my kids again are four and two, in both classrooms they don't ask a kid to hand over the toy, which I just love, obviously. You know, they say force sharing is a thing of the past. When I spoke with the principal, she says that, you know, in a school setting, say you take the sensory table, which are all the rage right now. And what is it? What is a sensory table? Sensory table is like filled with sand or rice or something,

something that I just look at and think like I could never have that in my house. But it's, it's often like a little table filled with sand and rice and then say miniature dinosaurs that they can dig and discover the dinosaur bones or, you know, engaging all the senses. So, but there's often not room for a lot of kids around the sensory table. And so if another kid wants a turn, what they do in the school is they set a five minute timer, which I think is so smart. Because you're not telling this kid that, oh, move on over. You're saying their time matters, but now there's a limit to it because you live in a miniature society.

So it's respecting the user of the dinosaur bones and also respecting the request of the one who wants to join. Just in our last few minutes here, Amberlee, I guess I wonder, we've talked about, you know, the reaction of your older daughter, your younger daughter, but now I'm wondering about you as a parent, like how you navigated that situation with your children. And then, you know, now you're researching and you're writing about it, you're reflecting on it even more.

How do you think about this situation now? Well, it was pretty profound for me. I mean, it's not often that I receive free therapy as part of my job as a columnist. But I was interviewing Vanessa LaPointe, again, the parent whisperer, about the expectations we have on kids. And then she said something that like, I just went quiet. She was like, are you still there? And she said, inside of you is every age you've ever been.

She said, there's a four year old inside of you that was probably taught not to upset the grownups in the room, to make everyone happy, to be a nice girl, share, share, share. You know, and that four year old is still there. She said, if you can picture her. So I was just about to like lie down on the couch. And she says, now when the four-year-old outside of you, your kid is not doing that, is not share, share, sharing, the two four-year-olds basically get into

an argument. And it was just so profound. And you know, it's something that I think I've experienced before. Like they don't tell you this before you become a parent, but your own experiences when you were a kid directly influence how you parent. Like it comes up all the time. The internet calls it reparenting yourself. And I think if more parents were in touch with this, that if we realize that when we have a big emotional reaction

to say a kid not sharing, we start apologizing to the group of adults, that that's actually like the four-year-old inside of us saying, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to upset the room, or another bad behavior of your kid and you're reacting in a big way, it probably has a lot to do with your inner kid. And I think telling them, like telling that little kid inside of us that it's okay and completely acceptable to feel their

feelings and also to speak their mind and be a confident, you know, room disrupting person is pretty powerful. Before I let you go, I just got to know what is the state of this bag of marbles now in your house? Oh, nobody cares about it. Nobody cares. It's old news. It's old news. They've moved on.

Amberlee, thank you so much for taking the time to be here. Always fun. Thanks. That's it for today. Always fun, thanks. That's it for today. I'm Maynika Ramon-Wilms. Our producers are Madeleine White, Michal Stein, and Allie Graham. David Crosby edits the show. Adrian Chung is our senior producer, and Matt Frainer is our managing editor. You can subscribe to The Globe and Mail at globeandmail.com slash subscribe.

Thanks so much for listening.