The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett - “Dynamo Is Dead!” - The Heartbreaking True Story Of Why Dynamo The Magician Vanished For Years! (Exclusive)

Episode Date: December 14, 2023

He’s walked on water, flown and now buried himself alive, but could the greatest magic trick of Dynamo life be his escaping from his demons? Dynamo is a British magician who first entered the spotlight in 2004. His TV series ‘Dynamo: Magician Impossible’ attracted over 250 million viewers and ran from 2011 to 2014, earning him the Best Entertainment Programme award in 2012 and 2013. He became the first magician to headline arenas such as the London O2 and Sydney’s Rod Laver arena. In 2013, he stepped away from the limelight to recover from serious health issues. You can watch Dynamo’s 2 hour special, ‘Dynamo is Dead’, on December 14th, this will be aired live at 9pm on Sky Max and streaming service NOW Dynamo is back! But not as you have known him before… 'Dynamo is Dead' On Sky Max: http://bit.ly/3RHqSWC Follow Dynamo: Instagram: https://bit.ly/4agid4C Twitter:  https://bit.ly/3uTAKDH Sonic rest therapy: https://edcanhelp.io/ The Conversation Cards: https://bit.ly/4amtNew Watch the episodes on Youtube - https://g2ul0.app.link/3kxINCANKsb My new book! 'The 33 Laws Of Business & Life' is out now: https://smarturl.it/DOACbook Follow me: Instagram: http://bit.ly/3nIkGAZ Twitter: http://bit.ly/3ztHuHm Linkedin: https://bit.ly/41Fl95Q Telegram: http://bit.ly/3nJYxST Sponsors: Huel: https://try.huel.com/steven-bartlett WHOOP: https://join.whoop.com/en-uk/CEO

Quick one. Just wanted to say a big thank you to three people very quickly. First people I want to say thank you to is all of you that listen to the show. Never in my wildest dreams is all I can say. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd start a podcast in my kitchen and that it would expand all over the world as it has done. And we've now opened our first studio in America, thanks to my very helpful team led by Jack on the production side of things. So thank you to Jack and the team for building out the new American studio. And thirdly to to amazon music who when they heard that we were expanding to the united states and i'd be recording a lot more over in the states they put a massive billboard in time square um for the show so thank you so much amazon music um thank you to our team and thank you to all of you

that listen to this show let's continue i can't turn off the noise and if i saw myself in a mirror i'd slam my head into the mirror and just keep slamming it to make it go away. That's why I disappeared. But it's not the only reason why you disappeared. Magic couldn't fix me. Dynamo! Illusionist magician extraordinaire! Are you watching closely? Was there a moment you look back on and say that was my rock bottom? The 6th of November, 2020. Because that was the day when I tried to kill myself. Your wife found you unconscious? In the dog bed.

Magic's always been the thing that has given me hope, that I've used to overcome the bullying, overcome the racist abuse and the lack of belief. And it made me stand out in a different way. Dynamo! Shout out to my homeboy Dynamo. Everything you touch is turning to gold and you become this sensation and then in 2017 you stop suddenly. I got really sick I couldn't hold the cards anymore my body was deteriorating. And then at that same time your grandmother had passed away who was

your biggest supporter I'd also heard that you'd had a legal dispute which meant that you could no longer use the name Dynamo. I had so many problems that I couldn't figure out how to even solve one of them. I thought, if I'm not here, then everybody else might be happier. I realised then the Dynamo as we know it needed to die. And I'm finally feeling it again. Now I just need to get magic back in my life. Dynamo, or should I say Stephen, is there some magic you can show me right now?

What? Oh my god! I've never shared this before, but three years ago Dynamo walked up to me when I was at a Christmas party. I'd never met him before and he whispered something in my ear that quite frankly stopped me in my tracks that I could not believe. I knew Dynamo as this incredible online magician and what he said to me that day I was unable to forget. He was in a dark, dark place. He was engaged in a legal battle and he just lost the rights to use his own name. He could no longer call himself Dynamo. He was no longer able or allowed to do magic. And this stranger that had walked over to me at that Christmas party was suffering in a way that I've never seen before. And just a week ago, Dynamo texted me and said, it's finally

time to tell my story. And that is what you're going to hear today. The story he whispered in my ear at that Christmas party all those years ago. Where has Dynamo been? What happened? And what happens next? Dynamo, or should I say Stephen? We're friends, you can come wherever you like. Stephen, in researching your story, I've been surprised, inspired, shocked, but in many ways, it's given me the context I think that was missing

as to how a man like you committed their life to magic. For people that don't know your story, your earliest years and the context back there in Bradford in 1980 too, what is the context that we need to understand in order to understand you? I think ultimately it's the ethos that sometimes magic is found in the most unlikely places. And I was a kid in a council estate with no hopes, no kind of, not much family around me, no real direction. And if anything, I should never have amounted to anything.

So for me, just trying to not be confined by my environment, by my circumstances is the magic I've been searching for all my life. And hopefully I can use the magic I've now found to inspire others who might find themselves trapped in a similar position. Bradford, 1982, you said you didn't have a lot of family around you. What family did you have and not have around you? I mean, I was just born. So, you know, I can't remember exactly everything from literally 82. But from, say, 80, from 86, I believe that was when my dad went to jail so he wasn't around any longer um

my mum was there but she she had me really young but she will have been about she'll have been about 20 then so a young mum um losing you know, losing her partner who would have been raising me with her. So your mum had you at 16? Yeah, she was pregnant at 16. Okay. Was there racial issues in your childhood? Because I think you, are you biracial? Yeah, yeah.

My father's Bataan, my mum's English. Okay, Bataan, I'm not familiar. Yeah, it's a tribe. It's, there's parts of it in Afghanistan, parts of it in Pakistan. It's kind of scattered around the world. And you must have been, what, four years old when he went to prison? Yeah. Did you understand what that meant?

No. No, not at all. I remember him going out and then just never coming back. It wasn't until I was a lot older that I kind of understood that he'd gone away and why he'd gone away. And, you know, and I kind of... It's weird. Like, I was young enough that not having him around

became a normal thing, like not having a father. You know, I was on a council estate where other people didn't have fathers around or mothers or, you know, a lot of broken families. So for me, it became just a normal way of life. I think if I'd have been a bit older and had more chance to understand more and miss more, then it would have maybe been harder. Did you resent him at that age

when you started to realize what you had lost in a father I think if I'm honest I resented him more as an adult as I got older like I resented him more when I first met him properly after you know like when I'm, he came to Revolution Wine Bar in Bradford. And this was when I was 19 years old. And I'd started to make a little bit of a name for myself with my magic back then. You know, I'd, I think I would apply for like Prince's Trust, start uploading and all that sort of thing. I was basically, you know, starting to go somewhere that was positive in my life.

And I got called by the manager of Evolution saying, oh, there's a gentleman that says he's your dad. He's come to see you. He said, oh, I'm Dynamo's dad. And I'm like, that's weird because like, I don't really feel like I've got a dad so I'm like okay this is strange and then I said oh well just tell him I'm busy right now but if he wants to come in in a couple of days time when I'm not working because I was getting ready to do a set at the

bar I perform magic basically in the revolution bar and he came back a few days later and I mean, he kind of looked like me so I kind of knew it was true. You know, I asked my mum about it and she explained, you know, that yeah, he's not in jail anymore and he's been out and he's been asking about you. I think he tried to call my mum a few times. He'd called my nana's phone as well

and they'd always just kind of, you know, they saw that I was getting on with my life and I'd got used to a life without him in it. So they felt that it was best for me to not have him in my life. And then when I met him, it was so strange because he basically said that you've got a, you know, you'll see you've got a little crew around you. Do any of your friends want to help shift some stuff for me? And when I say stuff, I'm not talking about legal stuff.

And at that point, I was just like, wow, you know, he's clearly not been reformed. And I don't feel like he's the sort of person I need in my life right now because I've spent a lot of my life trying to avoid this type of environment. How long had it been since you'd seen him at that moment? This was when I was 19 so from say four years old. So you hadn't seen him for like 15 years and the first time he sees you he offers to he asks you to help him shift some drugs? Yeah not just drugs but yeah trying to figure out what else it could be if it's not okay he was into stuff lots of stuff you know

um and you know that's that's the life some people choose you know i mean like um i didn't know him enough to to to have a to be able to say whether he was a good man or a bad man because you know end of the day just because you do that sort of stuff doesn't necessarily ultimately make you a bad person it can be the circumstances that lead you into that world um but at the time in my life you know I'd been getting some incredible support from MAPA Youth Centre in Bradford I basically was surrounded by

for the first time in my life positive role models positive male role models and part of me hoped that when I saw my dad that he could be one of those. But I think I was too far gone in the other direction

and he was going in a different direction and it just wasn't meant to be. I think then I just became indifferent. I just thought, well, you know what? I've gone this far without a father. I think then I just became indifferent. I just thought, well, you know what? I've gone this far without a father. So I don't really need one now. Resentment.

Was that because you were still holding out hope that he was someone else? Or where did the resentment come from in that moment? You said that's when you resented him the most. Because I think he had in front of him an opportunity to connect with me. And he saw a different opportunity in that moment. He cared more about using you as a vehicle to sell drugs. Yeah. Are you still holding on to pain?

Yeah, yeah, 100%. There's going to be parts of that, but it'll never be closed off because sadly he's not alive anymore. People often say to me when I speak to them on this podcast about parents that they've lost, that when we lose someone, it often changes our perspective on them and the situation and often the issue that held us apart. When your mum came to you and told you that he had now passed away,

is there anything you look back on and go, with that new perspective now that he's gone and go, do you know what, this would have been probably a different or a better way of handling the situation? Is there any regrets there at all? I can't really have regrets personally because the circumstance I was in was not of my making you know I was told by my grandma and my auntie as well my auntie Mel they both would tell me

passionately how much my mum and dad loved each other but there was also an element that they said it's a good job that he went away because if he'd have not gone away it's highly likely that my mum and my me would have been dead because he was apparently very abusive and to your mother yeah did did you ever know this did you ever see this no I was like I wasn't really I think it was more before I was born and then you know I think yeah I was too young to really understand it like my mum's told me about stuff more recently and you know my and as I've been like you know uncovering things about myself like I've asked more questions. What have you been trying to figure out about yourself?

A lot of things. The last few years, the point in my existence, but limitlessly. If we go back to the rest of the context there from those early years, what were you like socially in school? Did you like school? I liked learning. I liked trying to understand things. But did I like school?

I was scared of school. Why? Just because I used to get I was scared of school. Why? Just because I used to get beat up all the time. Like it was school for me was painful. But it wasn't the learning aspect of it. It was getting to and from the lessons, you know, surviving the playground. Like that for me was difficult because I went to a school

that was predominantly, you know, a more white school, let's say. And, you know, I was getting to an age where my complexion started to show. So it was obvious that I wasn't full English. So it was a lot harder to hide because I was told when I lived on the estate you know I was recommended by everybody you know by my mum by my nan by just anybody who was was close to my family at the time if anybody asks just say you're white you know it was kind of ingrained in where we lived to hate anything that is different. I read about a story where someone threw you into a river.

Oh yeah, the dam. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was, so one of the estates I lived on, I lived on quite a few council estates in Bradford, depending on where my mum's boyfriends lived or girlfriends at the time. So I remember there's Delphal Estate and then there's Woodside Estate and separating them is a big, massive field. And in the middle of the field is a dam. And it was where all the cool kids would kind of go to hang out. And I wasn't one of the cool kids. But one time I got invited down there,

so I thought, oh, amazing, I'm finally being accepted. And when I got there, they only invited me down there to kind of throw me in the dam. They knew I couldn't swim. I didn't have an adult to teach me how to swim. I didn't learn to swim until I was like 14, 15. So they threw me in the dam and it was one of the most traumatized experiences i'd felt at that time

thankfully there was one guy on the estate wayne jowett um who basically dived in and helped me out and you know he was a really good swimmer he could he could um get me to safety and yeah like stuff that happened all the time, but it wasn't like, you know, I can remember that because I couldn't swim. And if you've ever experienced that panic that you get when you, you know, when you feel like you're drowning, that'll stay with you.

You know, I don't like going, you know, I don't like going into the sea and stuff like that, you know. Like getting into water in general is not my favourite thing. You and me both. I can't swim going into the sea and stuff like that you know like getting into water in general is not my favorite thing you and me both I can't swim either so I remember the first time I nearly drowned and I remember the person that jumped in and saved me when I was a kid as well remember it like it was yesterday so yeah so like that experience happened you know it happened on the way to school it happened after school you know so for me the the thought of going to school was always like a daunting notion there were certain teachers like

Mrs Wilcox you know like she's my English teacher and she was really nice and she was really nurturing and I didn't feel stupid in front of her because in a lot of the classes, when, you know, when the teacher's asking you to get involved, I was so nervous of other people's opinions in the class that if I spoke up, if I put my hand up to answer a question and it was wrong, then that just was going to lead to more getting beaten up harder after school or, you know, more ridicule.

So I kind of kept myself to myself. But at the same time, I was just like this sad loner kid who would take the long way home. So I didn't get beat up. I remember speaking to Israel Adesanya, who was the UFC world champion, and him telling me a very similar story about taking the long way round school so that he would avoid the bullies on the playground

and all of those things. Again, in his situation, it was heavily racially motivated. He was this kid that had flown to New Zealand from Africa. He was the black kid. And so he ultimately turns to fighting as a way to help him survive yeah I mean he's he's very good at it very good I've seen him he's amazing well I think about your story and I go in a way didn't did you turn to magic as a way to help you to survive ultimately that's where it ended up. But I didn't turn to magic.

Magic kind of found me because it was never something I was into initially. It was something that my grandpa used to do. He'd do tricks here and there, you know, like the sort of things you see a guy doing in a pub, you know, nothing like super amazing but to me he was like kind of the main male role model in my life and he was always the life of the party you know and he seemed to have an answer to every single problem and one day when he was picking up from school, he saw the sort of things that was happening to me, and I never knew he saw this, but, you know,

he'd always get to the school playground early, so, you know, so he didn't want to be late for picking me up, and often I'd walk out the door and straightaway I'd kind of get in a fight or get, you know, get caught up in something, and he'd kind of stayed back and never really got involved, but he saw it kind of be quite bad one day. And when he was walking home, he's telling me,

he's going to show me some things, you know, that might help me. And I'm thinking, oh, yeah, it's going to be like Karate Kid, you know, Mr. Miyagi, you know, like, but it wasn't any of that stuff. He showed me magic and he says, you know, these things, they get me positive attention when I'm out and about, when I share these things. So maybe try these. And I was scared at school about trying them because I'm like thinking,

well, I'm already seen as this weirdo, this outcast. Like how is, now, you know, is sharing magic with people? Because magic wasn't like a cool thing. Thankfully, it made me stand out in a different way and it deflected attention from me and there was definitely some people that you know shunned it didn't like it but there was enough people that thought it was interesting and you know kind of kind of cool that it got people on my back that was really where the magic began properly that's before that point it was you know it was something that I was using to deflect attention from the other areas of my life that I was trying to hide.

It's quite remarkable how many times I've heard similar stories about someone finding a way to belong through a craft or through singing or through acting, whatever it might be, and then them committing their life to that, it's almost like they become addicted to it in some way. And I guess the issue is when you ask yourself the question, what am I now without it? Do I therefore not belong if I don't do magic? Yep, I know that feeling all too well. I'm sure we're going to come to that.

At about 13 years old in 95, you're diagnosed with Crohn's disease, which is very young, I believe, to be diagnosed with Crohn's disease, which is a lifelong disease. It's like a severe inflammation related to irritable bowel syndrome, from what I understand. And it can be life-threatening as well. Yeah, yeah. I've had a few moments where I've had life-threatening operations. How does that change the picture at 13 years old with that diagnosis and what led up to that diagnosis? Well, before the diagnosis,

I'd got to my teenage years where you kind of start to have changes, right? You're going through puberty. And I was definitely like a bit of a slow start. I was still, you know, all the kids at school were getting bigger and I was getting smaller. I wasn't getting smaller, but they were getting bigger and I just basically wasn't really kind of growing at the same rate. And my mum started to take me to the hospital

to get tests done, to try and figure out what was up with me, which I understand why my mum would do that. But at the same time, for a kid who feels like they don't belong, to then be taken to hospital hospital to have tests done on me to figure out what's wrong with me. Like, suddenly I'm like, well, all right,

I don't belong and I've got something wrong with me. I mean, this is, you know, like, what is the point in me? You know, am I broken? Do you know what I mean? So, I mean, there clearly was issues and they found that I had Crohn's disease and I guess now I feel that's quite a it's an incredibly good thing to have done the problem was back, there wasn't enough known about Crohn's as there is now. The doctors understand it a lot more. They understand how to treat it and people are a lot more open to, you know, to it. You know, essentially it's an illness that affects your bowels which ultimately affects you know

shit and and how your body digests things and that's not the sort of topics that you know are that easy to talk about um especially when you're you know a teenager going through your formative years you know is there a lot of pain associated with Crohn's disease? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stomach cramps, you know. I mean, if I don't take my medication, I'm on at the moment, I can struggle to walk or to even get out of bed. Really?

Yeah. It's like having a wound inside your tummy. And it's like an open wound and every time you eat you're essentially it's like rubbing dirt into that open wound so it's never going to heal it's going to constantly keep getting infected and it's going to constantly keep being inflamed and because it's inside you like you know your gut affects every part of your body you know so and then it has side effects which one of those one of the side effects is reactive arthritis which is what i suffer from where if my Crohn's flares up which can be brought on from simple things like just just everyday stress like also you don't have to just eat something for it to be bad like you can you can have a stressful day and it can you

know give you a stomach ache which then can ultimately spread to the rest of your body and make you feel debilitated and that if you've got reactive arthritis it means that all your joints start to seize up and ache um hence why sometimes i struggle to walk and kind of function and you know you you kind of need your mobility to be a good magician so you know for me when yeah when that happens it stops me from being able to perform the way that that I've kind of gone to love and that will then have knock-on effects that are psychological yeah and every case of Crohn's is different you know it affects people in different ways but but ultimately yeah imagine stomach having stomach

ache just all the time and being scared to eat because you don't want to you know eat something and it it ruined it it wipe you out for the rest of the day so you um you go to this new sixth form college you end up dropping out of college because you decide you want to pursue magic full time. And then you go off to America, where you stayed with your grandmother in America. By the age of sort of 17 years old, you have that operation for your Crohn's, which removes part of your stomach. And then at sort of 20 years old, you end up back in London. And that's when you started to sort of gain a following for your performances online. I think most of us saw that chapter of your life, I believe, most of us, through videos on social

media, stuff on TV, and all of that. And from there on, it really looks like your career starts to take off. Because I was looking through your biography, and at 22 years old, you receive an invitation to perform at the United States Super Bowl. By 29 years old, you have your own TV show called Dynamo Magician Impossible, and then that show's a smash hit, wins all these awards, best entertainment program. Is that really in your view where things started to take off?

You're 29 years old, 30 years old, everything you touch has turned into gold, and you become this kind of sensation I guess that depends on what you class as like what is success right because for me this the beginning of success where things started to take off was when I got my prince's Trust business style blown. You were what, when you were 16 or something? No, I was a bit older.

It was 2002. So you're 20. Mm-hmm. Like before that point, I thought one day I'm going to have to grow up or one day I'm going to have to get, you know, like... A real job. Yeah, yeah.

That's what people say, right? Yeah, you know, I think right up until, you know, right up until, like, my grandpa died and my nana passed, you know, I think they were still thinking that I might come home one day and say, oh, I've got a proper job now. When was that? My grandpa died in 2012 right and he died in the

middle of my second series of Magician Impossible so he got to see some of his like the way he nurtured me and helped me and shared that magic he got to see some of that magic get brought to life on screen. So that's probably some of my proudest moments. But then my nana, sadly, she passed in the last couple of years. I don't think anybody really knows about my nana passing

outside of my family and my friends. And for me, my nana was my biggest supporter for everything but I know that she was always worried about me because she always thought that this magic thing wouldn't work out and she wanted me to have something to fall back on. You know, when I dropped out of college to pursue magic because, you know, that's just all I wanted to do,

you know, she was very worried. I wanted to do, you know, she was very worried. She was, she was the one trying to tell me that I should not fall out. I need to get, you know, get an education. And in many respects,

you know, the advice she was giving was, you know, was good advice. But luckily things kind of turned out all right for the, in the magic. I mean, it turned out all right in the magic. I mean, it turned out all right is quite an understatement. You were Magician of the Year multiple times.

The TV show Magician Impossible then won the TV Choice Awards as Best Entertainment Show. You ended that Dynamo's Magician Impossible show after its fourth season, I believe. And then you embarked on your first live tour called Seeing is Believing. And then when you're 35 years old in 2017, you stopped that tour suddenly. Yeah, I think the tour kind of ran its course. We did a lot of countries and a lot of tickets and it was amazing.

You know, I like trying and pushing the envelope with magic and with everything I do. And I felt like that time on the road gave me time to have a lot of new ideas. And I felt like I wanted to try and bring some of those ideas to life. But some of those ideas had to get put on hold because it was shortly after that that I got really sick with my Crohn's. What happened? I got food poisoning and that gave me a campylobacter food poisoning which basically is like probably the worst type of food poisoning

you can get and that combined with my Crohn's was a recipe for disaster. So basically I was in hospital. I just remember it was like 10 o'clock and I was getting ready to go to bed and I went to the bathroom and I had this horrible feeling in my stomach. But I've got Crohn's, so I'm used to kind of having to numb these feelings you know I'm used to just thinking okay it's going to be uncomfortable for like half an hour then it'll pass right and it wasn't going away and then suddenly like blood was coming out my mouth I was vomiting I was blood was coming out of both sides right that's yeah and I didn't know what to do.

It wouldn't stop. I was in so much pain. I was screaming at my wife. And literally, I got rushed to hospital. And they gave me all the medication to try. They put me on the drip and morphine and everything. And nothing was getting rid of the pain. I never felt a pain like it.

And I just did not understand what it was like. And because of that, it caused my Crohn's to kind of... Even though I'd had so much of my Crohn's cut out already in previous operations, it caused it to spread into a different part of my bowel and from that came the reactive arthritis because in the part of the bowel that it moved to had different side effects that I'd never had before like I remember like just getting these sensations where like you know, I'd got kind of over the, you know, a few months later, I'm over the, like, food poisoning element of it.

You know, I'm out of hospital. I'm kind of, you know, trying to get on with my life. But I'd be holding my cards. You know, I'd be doing, you know, magic, like, things, you know, stuff that I do in my sleep, right? But suddenly I was getting like shooting pains in my joints and I was, it was like electric shocks. I was like, I couldn't hold the cards anymore. I was struggling to move, you know, like I'd be in a seat and I wouldn't be able to get up because like my knees would be like, like stuck stuck and I'd never had that experience before and I suddenly felt like Mr Burns you know from The Simpsons you know like he seems really like frail and weak and

I felt like I was you know I was I wasn't old I was like I felt like I should be my prime you know I mean and I couldn't understand it I felt like my body was deteriorating around me and so I went basically on medical trials for the next few years and the thing is with medical trials is that when you try a new medicine, you have to try it for three months before the doctors will write that off as not working and try on a new medication. But there was times when I knew within the first two weeks it wasn't working, but I had to go the full three months. And in those three months, you know, my symptoms weren't getting better if anything they'd get worse and it you know it wasn't till we got to the ninth month where I started this medication called infliximab where you have to go to the hospital every few weeks and you get put

on a drip for and you stay there for like eight hours and they basically put this medicine inside you. And that really had an incredible effect. Like that gave me a new lease of life. I felt stronger. I probably felt stronger than I'd felt before I was on it. But then COVID happened. It stopped my infliximab from working.

So suddenly, I'm in 2020 and I'm on medical trials again. And I tried, you know, I tried so many different medications. And it wasn't until like the beginning of 2021 where I really got one that was really working properly. And even now I'm on that, but I still have, like I have three days a week where I'm really bad, where my joints just don't really work that well. And my stomach feels bad. But yeah, that was a big part of the reason why I kind of, I guess, disappeared for a while.

But it's not the only reason why you disappeared for a while. Yeah, I think everything that my body was going through, everything that I was going through, everything that I was going through, the pressures of, you know, trying, you know, like wanting to do magic and the pressures of trying to sustain a career and live up to people's expectations was almost an impossible task to do whilst I was trying to fix my body.

And ultimately, you know, I ended up in a situation where without magic, without being able to do what I loved, not knowing if I was ever going to be able to get it back, made me think, what's the point in my existence and I think my body was kind of imploding and so was my mind. What was going on in your mind? I didn't know what to do with my life, didn't know what to do with myself. There's a lot of things that I don't want to fully do with my life. Didn't know what to do with myself. There's a lot of things that I don't want to fully go into,

but I'll try and give you as much as I can. There was just so much noise in my head. And I hated myself for feeling how I felt. I hated the way my body felt because of everything I was dealing with. If I saw myself in a mirror in my house, I hated what was looking back at me. I hated it so much that I'd slam my head into the mirror and just keep slamming it to try and just either, you know, make it go away. And yeah,'t know I didn't I didn't want to be alive because I didn't feel like the life I had take away all the success and you know that side of things I wasn't I wasn't living because I wasn't able to do the thing I loved the most,

which was magic. And it was... It was a time in my life where... I felt that magic couldn't fix me. But magic's always been the thing that has given me hope, that I've kind of used to overcome the bullying, overcome the self-doubt and the lack of belief from others and in my own self. And suddenly I'm in a position where I don't know what to do with myself

and magic isn't going to fix it. And I can't, until I'm fixed, I can't do the thing that gives me a reason and gives me a purpose in performing magic. I can't do that because i'm not mentally or physically capable how long did that that last i'm still dealing with it now to be honest like it It's difficult because I'm a magician, right? And to everybody else looking at me as a magician, I'm someone who does the impossible. I'm someone who kind of should be able to do anything. But I'm a magician who felt like, you know, back then

and still at times now, I'm a magician who feels like I can't do the first thing that a magician needs to do, perform magic. So then I'm just an imposter. I can't live up to the expectations that people have of me. And it's not that I... that people have of me. And it's not that I, I'm not the sort of person who like searches for validation from other people, you know, like, I mean, you know,

magic is not an art form that is seen as the coolest thing ever. Do you know what I mean? It's, you know, I'd have set myself up to fail if, you know, by following through with magic, if I'd have been naive to that point. Do you know what I'd have set myself up to fail if, you know, by following through with magic, if I'd have been naive to that point. Do you know what I mean? I know that magic's never been cool, right? And, you know, I hope that in some small way

I've helped to make it feel a bit cooler than maybe what it was perceived as. But magic's the only thing that I'm good at. And I think the way that I can manipulate my body and, you know, kind of handle cards and do the things is a big part of what's made my magic unique and feel special. And not being able to do that kills me. am i right in thinking that at that same time your grandmother had passed away who was your biggest supporter your body was breaking down

because of Crohn's and your illness around that time as well and i'd also heard that you'd had a legal dispute with your management which meant that you could no longer use your social media channels, the name Dynamo, et cetera, et cetera. And that had all happened in this concentrated period of your life. There was a lot of stuff going on. And yeah, like, you know, I think losing my Nana ultimately was, I think, the thing that, I guess, the straw that brought the camels back is the expression they use. Because she's always been the backbone for me.

Whenever I felt weak, and there's been a lot of times I felt weak, my Nana's always been strong for me. Whenever I felt weak, and there's been a lot of times I felt weak, my nana's always been strong for me. And then with a lot of things going on in my life, with my life being flipped upside down, you know, and then my nana go in as well. It was just like, man, like, you know, the light, like, it just felt like the world was out to get me. And I kind of wanted the ground to just break open and just swallow me up. If I was to fly on the wall in your house at that time, what would I have seen?

Hmm. A lot of stuff that I don't really want. I wouldn't want anybody to see. Like, I wasn't very nice to myself. A lot of pain. But also a lot of numbness. And I felt that...

Ironically, actually, I didn't feel... Like, I felt so numb that I'd hurt myself to try and feel something. Self-harming? Mm-hmm. Does your partner know what's going on in your life, inside your head during this period? Because I have a partner and if I was in such a dark place where I was self-harming and doing some of the things you've described, banging my head against a mirror, and I was in that sort of cycle

of self-hatred, I think my partner would know. Yeah. She knew. She probably didn't know the extent of it to begin with and I think also

the the lost side of things you know she obviously felt that herself so I think those things

she's dealing with it dealing with her own grief at the same time so sometimes when you're dealing with grief you it's hard to it dealing with her own grief at the same time so sometimes when you're dealing with grief you it's hard to see outside of your own grief to see other people's you know i mean um and we were kind of almost together in those moments you know we came together like you know but she she was the one who ultimately got me to go to therapy and to get the help and support that I needed, really. In this chapter, was there a moment you look back on and say, that was my rock bottom? Yep. The 6th of November, 2020.

The 6th of November, 2020. Almost three years ago today. Exactly. Almost. Why was that the hardest day? Because that was the day that I knew that she knew.

Because she found me and I tried to she knew. Because she found me. And I tried to kill myself. She found you in the house? Mm-hmm. She found you unconscious? Yep. In the dog bed. What are you comfortable talking about i mean i'm not super comfortable at life

generally so you know just talking this is the first time i've kind of done an interview that's not been with a therapist since 2020. So, you know, I trust you. You've, you know, you've been a bit of a, you've been a help for me over the last few years. So I guess if you're respectful, then I respect what you'll do with what I say will be done there's two things there's two things I want you to feel comfortable about whatever you say but also after this conversation if there's anything you're not comfortable with having said you can of course let me know and it me know and it won't be out there in the world.

But I want to... I think the question that I think is of most value is understanding how someone gets to that point. I've actually spent quite a long time speaking to Simon Gunning, who's the CEO of CALM, Campaign Against Living Miserably. And he's done a really great job of helping me to understand suicidality as a topic. But also when I have a public platform like this,

where I speak on these subject matters occasionally, about what elements of that are useful for people that are in that mindset now. And what he's shared with me is, part of it is people understanding how someone gets there, but also understanding how they go from there and they rise out of that situation. What was on your mind

when that led you up to that moment? I felt that I had so many problems that I couldn't figure out how to even solve one of them and the problems weren't just affecting me they were affecting my household they were affecting

you know just my family's life. And a big part of me thought, if I'm dead, then my problems won't affect these other people in my life and they will be all right. Because I felt like ultimately I was the problem. It was quite a simple kind of, that was it.

It was like, okay, if I'm not here then everybody else might be happier and they can get on with their lives and you know

like that was it your wife finds you that day in the dog bed and then she calls an ambulance? She called Edward Despot, who's my doctor. He's my gastroenterologist, my colon specialist. And then I remember, well, she was on the phone to him when I kind of came round and she was just crying.

And that's, you asked me a moment where it feels like it was the worst. I'd probably hurt myself worse on previous occasions, but I'd never been found by the one person in this life whose opinion I genuinely care about. And no matter what I do now, in the future, there's nothing I can do that can erase what she saw. And that's the thing I'm the most ashamed of, because in the moment, I felt like I was trying to maybe do something that would take all the problems I thought I was facing

and remove them from everybody else's world. But I'd not actually thought about what these people would feel if I wasn't here. Do you know what I mean? So that's the shame that I feel for that. I don't feel ashamed for feeling the way I did, but I feel ashamed that my wife kind of saw that. Like it's, it's just embarrassing, isn't it? She's the person I'm supposed to be strong for. You know, she's the person who relies on me.

I'm, you know, I'm the husband. I don't mean that, like, I know we live in a modern world, you know, where, you know, it's... But, like, I'm supposed to be there to be strong for her and I couldn't even be strong for myself can I ask you a question in that when someone is in that situation as you were psychologically what do you think those around them can do to support that person? Or do you think there's very little? I'm trying to really understand how to support someone,

you know, in my life that would be in such a mindset. I mean, I guess what my wife did. Like, not just, naturally you would call someone for help, like a doctor or something like that. But, I mean, even though I still feel it, and I can't necessarily speak on her behalf, but she didn't make me feel ashamed. She loves you, doesn't she?

Yeah. It's one of the greatest gifts, isn't it, to have someone in your life like that, that you know just loves you through thick and thin. From the experience and how she's been, even up till now, you know, how she dealt with it and dealt with me. And I think it's the first time outside of my Nana, outside of family who, you know, they have to do it. It's unconditional, right?

Because they're family, they're blood. But it's the first time that I have actually felt the love of somebody else. Like, because we'd been married a long time before then. But, you know, you just never know what someone's going to act like when shit really hits the fan. When they see you naked. Yeah. And I was exposed. You can't get any more exposed than what I felt.

And she became the rock. She gave me a love that I've never had to deal with it. And, you know, it's... Yeah, that is something that I didn't necessarily maybe know I needed in my life until that moment and that ultimately has kept me alive around this time there's a dispute with your management what are you able to tell me about that because Because I know it's a legal dispute, so there's things that probably can't talk about, but I think it's important context to understand what you're going through in this moment

as it relates to your sense of purpose and identity and all those things. What are you able to tell me? I think I was at a time in my life where I felt lost. And I knew if I, you know, stayed doing things exactly the same way that I'd always done them, then you're only going to get kind of the same results, right? You know, if I'm feeling suicidal thoughts and I'm feeling kind of like worthless,

then the only way to break that cycle is to have a fresh start. Just needed to break away from everything and ultimately, you know, you've started many businesses and, you know, I'm sure some of those have failed and some of those have, you know, you've had to have, you know, go your separate ways at times. So that happens in business um and i think there was a lot of work needed to be done on myself

and which had to take time away from that like um yeah i can't really uh touch on it too much i'm trying to be extremely careful what i say it's all good i'm actually quite interested in the not what happened but the consequence of what happened so because i've noticed you've not been posting on social media in a while for example so i assumed that one of the consequences of this separation with your management was you've not been able to use your social media accounts and we've not seen you on the internet as much.

Is that a correct assumption? I don't feel like I've wanted to kind of post things because I felt like my life isn't been worth sharing. So, you know, whilst I've been trying to fix myself, I didn't feel comfortable kind of sharing in those moments and kind of just let the lawyers do what they do and figure that stuff out because I'm too busy trying to figure out what's going on in my own head, you know, how to kind of just get to a place in this world

where I can deal with the pressure of life. Ultimately, all I wanted to do, which is what's led me to here with you today, is get to a place in my life where I could share magic again. And even if my arthritis and my Crohn's stopped me doing it in the way I used to, I had to find a new way to share it. And there's certain things in the past that I've had to go through negative experiences you know positive experiences but ultimately I've had to go through those things to learn and grow from them and some things I've had to leave behind and I'm speaking of things you've left behind are you still Dynamo? Palm is always Dynamo yeah

of course like but the thing is I've battled with knowing who they almost like has been a battle between me and myself because I've battled with knowing who... There almost has been a battle between me and myself because the lines are so blurred,

or were so blurred, between the Stephen that you know and the dynamo that the greater world kind of knows so then like it's just been it's been a lot of confusion right in simple terms it's been a lot of confusion because Dynamo is the part of me that feels like he can do anything. But Stephen's the flawed human being that realizes and knows that he can't. And it's a conflict. And then when my body's falling apart, my life's falling apart, I'm losing everything in my life outside of magic that I love,

then I'm just an empty shell. and that's the sort of feeling that makes you think like what is the point why am I here like I am worthless to this world if I can't share the only thing that I feel I'm good at. People will be sat thinking, why can't you share it? Because, because, partly for some reasons that, you know, are outside of my control. Legal related reasons. Some.

Yeah. Yeah, sure. You know, and then partly because mentally I wasn't free. Like, I need to be free in my head to create material, to create the magic I share. But all that was in my head is horrible things, is things that I can't shut off I can't turn off the noise

so then there's no space for magic to find its way in so I guess it'd be like the equivalent to

writer's block like magic writer's block, like magic writer's block. Like, I don't know if that's a real thing, but that's the only way I'm trying to simply explain it. The way that I heard it from what you just said about the noise was I can't write if there's loud music playing with lots of lyrics in it. So when I do writing,

I have to turn off loud music with lyrics in it or else I can't my brain can't focus on both so I was almost imagining being in a room with really loud music playing and then me trying to think and write and I just wouldn't be able to yeah like my body was not allowing me to perform in the physical sense in the way that I wanted to. You know, I was, you know, some of the medication was working well and I was doing good. But then, like, mentally, like, I wasn't in a fit state to do magic, you know. And because of things that was going on behind the scenes, I also, it was really complicated, you know, even getting work.

And then naturally with that, you know, it's going to come financial pressures, which is the last thing you need when you've also dealing with everything else. So, ultimately, I had too many horrible thoughts in my mind to try. I had too many problems to solve to even think about magic. But then me not thinking about magic, you just that's that's a depressing notion because that's so much of your purpose and meaning and joy and yeah and it's not just tricks it's not you know i'm not when i talk about magic in this sense like there's the there's the card tricks. There's the things that people see, right? But for me, magic is a feeling. It's something you experience in your body

when you witness something that you can't explain or when you see something that feels impossible but feels like unobtainable, right? Putting a smile on someone's face is a magical thing and that's what I've spent my life doing but the irony is I was in a position where I couldn't put a smile on my own face so how am I meant to do that for anybody else if I can't, you know, if I can't do the simplest thing for myself? And you go to therapy at this point, you said.

Yeah. My wife was on the phone when she found me to Ed Despot, who's my gastroenterologist, right? And then he put my wife in touch with a therapist called Edward Sim. And I had some sessions with him initially, but this type of therapy can be quite expensive. Yeah. So I got the first few bills and I was like,

I can't sustain this I need it but having to pay for therapy was making me more stressed in the process because I just couldn't afford the therapy but Edward Sim he showed me a kindness that I've kind of been you know but I haven't seen in a long time, especially at that time. He contacted my wife and just said, listen, I want to help him. I'll do it for free. And he's been looking after me ever since.

For free? Yeah. Wow. I mean, I keep, you know, I've... I keep offering to pay. I mean, I'm in a slightly better place, but he refuses, you know. But, you know, I think, you know, he's someone who I want in my life forever,

and, you know, I want... I want to be able to repay. I'll never be able to repay him for what he's done for me. But, like... yeah, I mean, he introduced me to so many different things, like stuff that I, like I use this thing called sonic reset therapy. Don't know if you know about it.

It's this like noise that you listen to. i listen to it twice a day for 20 minutes and it it's definitely become something that calms me down and helps me sleep at night um and then what do you think it's doing what is it doing for you it's just kind of resetting your mind in a way or yeah i think that's i mean i think i guess that's the intention behind it as as i listen to it it tells me to think about negative experiences or think about positive experiences that like think about goals you want to achieve or think about things you want to you know get past and just let them come into your mind at the forefront and it's really strange like it just has a real calming effect we'll try and get hold of it and we'll try and include it in the description below yeah

it's you know like it it's been it's been helping me know, I'm sure it will help others. But, you know, there's lots of different things. Like, one of the things that he suggested to me, which at the time when he suggested it, it was such a weird thing, is he recommended that I read the Alcoholics Anonymous book. Now, I say it's a strange thing for him to recommend for me because I've never drank alcohol in my life. I've never done drugs other than what the doctors prescribed for me for my Crohn's. So I've literally been Tito forever, do you know what I mean?

So I just naively assumed that, you know, this is a book to help someone who is an alcoholic. Yeah, I've actually, I've got, I still carry my copy. That's yours. This is my copy. And in researching your story, I realised the significance of this book, so I just

bought a copy of it. Yeah. For people who've never read it, I recommend reading it. You don't have to be, I'm attesting, you don't have to be an alcoholic to read it and gain something from it. Essentially,

it's broken up into 12 steps and each chapter, each step is a lot of people's, like, short stories of how they overcome different phases of addiction or trauma. Ultimately, it's trauma, but in the Alcoholics Anonymous book, obviously, it's specifically kind of aimed at, you know, addiction in that sense and as you hear all the stories it's very easy to replace the alcoholic side of it in this book and put your own trauma or grief that you're trying to deal with in that place and it's like a blueprint. It's like literally people are telling you how they overcome a certain thing.

And it might not work. Everything might not work for you as an individual, but I took so much from this. And it's kind of written maybe from like a spiritual perspective. You know, I'm not particularly religious, but ultimately it's about trying to get you to believe in something greater than yourself to help you find your purpose. And for me, I've always known what that is.

It's been doing magic, right? But I didn't know how to get back to that place without dealing with all these things i was dealing with you know like and i've kind of you know gone through the 12-step book but i've kind of gone through my own 12 step kind of recovery like going through the different emotional phases that I've been trying to overcome you know and some of those involve like you know going back looking at my past you know looking at you know the situation with my dad you know looking at my mum you know like because I think if I'm honest there was definitely there's definitely been a lot of

resentment towards my mum um over the years um because when my dad went away like you know as my mum you know my mum's now you know living a different life without him. Naturally, she's going to get to a stage where she wants a new boyfriend, a new partner. She wants a life of her own, right? But there's quite a few of those men that came into her life that were horrible to me. A big part of that was because I was a mixed-race kid and we lived in quite a racist area.

So a lot of the men didn't want me. They wanted my mum because my mum was lovely. How did you know they didn't want you? They would tell me. They would tell you? Yeah. It was like, yeah, they just told me. And they'd do things that showed me that they didn't want me.

I pretty much moved in with my grandparents when I was 15. Like, because the men in my mum's life, just, I wanted my mum to be happy, but that came at the sacrifice of my own happiness. It meant that she'd be happy because she'd get the love maybe that she thought she needed. But I felt like I lost my mum in the process. So there's been resentment. It's been like surf on the surface resentment like you know I'd still see my mum at Christmases and stuff like that but we never really had that the bond

that I thought we should have had um but kind of one of the things I got from from the book is I've had conversations with my mum that I've never, that I've been too scared to have. And I've actually got to understand her better. And this is the wrong word, but because ultimately she doesn't need forgiveness because knowing her story, she hasn't done things wrong in you know she hasn't purposely done things wrong for me to go I forgive you right but there was knowing what she'd been

through it's it's in these conversations that I've learned about some of the physical abuse that my dad would do and that also the other partners of hers would given and I think she'd been trapped in a cycle of you know not necessarily kind of picking the wrong partners and just kind of trying to do the same thing over and over again expecting different results you know which uh you know you can't blame someone for like i mean i've come to learn from doing this podcast and speaking to a lot of psychologists that specialize on love that we often seek out the form of love that we grew up on, and sometimes that's an abusive form of love. So many psychologists that I've spoken to have alluded to this, but a few have said this quite

directly, that if you were at a very young age, had a sort of a toxic attachment with maybe a figure in your life, that there's a chance that you'll then grow up and seek out toxic attachments in the cycle that you've described. We tend to think that if we've been in a toxic situation when we were younger, for example, that we'll then seek out really, really healthy situations because we know what bad looks like but in fact i've been told that it's often the opposite that we go back to the cycle of love that we were familiar with yeah familiarity seems to be the key word yeah people find safety in familiarity yeah even if that familiarity isn't actually safe. I can feel that. This book, this very small book,

there's something about these ideas that seem to reach people when they're in their toughest moments. Step number one, we admitted we were powerless, that our lives had become unmanageable. Step two, we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Have you had to admit you were powerless? And have you started to believe in a power greater than yourself? Oh, definitely.

I mean, I've felt powerless for years. Like, I know that I'm not in control my illness has debilitated me for so long but just when it always seemed to kind of pop up you know when I'm kind of flying high when I feel like untouchable

then suddenly I get a little reminder that you know I'm fallible I've got weaknesses you know and can't get above my station so to speak

but but yeah I think I think that I've always looked for the magic in the wrong place and what I mean by that is that I've

always looked for the magic in me to help me out of whatever situation I was in. And what this book opened up my mind to the idea of is the magic in other people. You have a TV show coming out tonight, which is really your grand return to the public stage. And that TV show is called Dynamo is Dead. And it's appearing on Sky tonight, which is very, very exciting. And I guess this links to what you just said about finding the magic in others, right? Yeah. Yeah. Why are you doing this? What is it? I just need to get magic back in my life because that's the thing that I live for.

And over the last few years when I've been working on myself, seeing a different type of magic, seeing the magic in other people is what's given me that spark back. And the magic I've been seeing, it's not dynamo magic. It's something different. It's something that I'm feeling and I'm finally feeling it again. In fact, I feel like I'm feeling it for the first time. Edward Sim, my therapist, he's a very successful therapist he doesn't need to offer me therapy for free but he wanted to share

some of his magic and that started to rewire my mind to realise whoa there's some amazing people out there who can, you know, who they can change lives. They're changing mine.

You know, when I saw you three years ago and we shared a candid conversation, you know, about some of the things I was feeling at the time, you first off listened to me. And there was no cameras around. It wasn't like this, you know. It was just, you were present in the room with me. And then not only did you listen,

but you kind of helped in a small way. And that was magic. You know, I don't know if anybody knows who's watching this, but you are part of my new show. Don't know if you've told anybody yet. So you can also see you on the show tonight in a different way than maybe they're used to seeing you. Definitely.

But like your story, you know, like, I think one of the things I realised for a lot of people from places like where I'm from speaking to a therapist seems like

the last thing you would feel comfortable doing you know I'm from a counsellor state we're working class we're doing you know i'm from a council estate we're working class we're like you know if you're told if you've got a problem suck it up you know be a man you can't talk about your problems you know like you just gotta get on with it you know what's that expression that keep calm and carry on you know that's it was like it's kind of like instilling us.

I wanted to show people from where I'm from that it's okay to ask for help. It's okay to be broken. It's okay to not know the answers and I'm not too proud to go out there and search for the answers for people you know like and I've gone around the world using the, you know, the platform that I have. You know, I've obviously as Dynamo, the name opens doors. So, but opening doors just for myself is pointless because it's only feeding my own ego. I realised that if I could use that platform to speak to individuals candidly about dealing with any type of trauma,

dealing with not feeling good enough, dealing with all the things that I felt that made me not want to be alive anymore, then maybe that can save someone else's life. And I know it's a grandiose mission statement. I don't take it lightly. I don't, you know, I'm barely saving my own life at the minute. So I don't want to like fall so loosely that I can save someone else's life. No, but that's exactly what it does.

That is exactly what it does. And there are lives that you never really get to see. But just even in sharing how you felt and how you've risen from that, this is exactly what Simon Gunning told me. It does save people's lives. And in this new chapter of your life, following this show tonight called Dynamo is Dead on Sky, you're going to continue to do that. And if there was ever a time, and I think this is why when you came up to me at that event many a year ago and started telling

me a little bit about your story, I think I probably said it to you then, but I'm not sure. If there's ever a time when people need that, when they need a little bit of joy and they need a little bit of escapism and they need a little bit of wonder and they need their imagination to be stretched into what is real and what is possible and what is impossible, it is now. And you know that. You know that's what people need now and that means we need you now i had the idea obviously to make this show when we first started speaking but when my nan died i i realized then that the dynamo as we know it

needed to die with her and that the only way to fully have closure on that part of my life was if I actually bury myself alive. And tonight, after the show plays out live on Sky, I'm going to be doing that.

You're going to bury yourself alive? Mm-hmm. In order to kill off the Dynamo identity? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I haven't put myself in that hole yet. Right. So, you know, what will happen after that point

is hard to really kind of summarize because there's only been a few times in my life where I've done like crazy like you know endurance feats like this and something in you changes when It's an incredibly scary thought. But since I've thought about it, you know, since the 7th of May 2021, I thought it's the only way to move forward in my life. And, yeah, tonight, after the show finishes, you'll be able to see it live. But it's not, for me, it's not like a stunt.

It's not about escaping. It's a like a stunt. It's not about escaping. It's a cleansing for me. And I feel like it will be one of the most incredible, scary things I've ever done. But the thing I've learned over the last few years is that I've got to stop being scared and just start living my life. I'm both terrified and excited in equal measure

to watch the show tonight. I had no idea you were burying yourself alive, so that's terrifying. But I understand your rationale and I'm very excited to see what happens. Stephen, I would like to see some magic, if possible. Is there some magic you can show me right now? Yeah, do you want to get some of your friends in as well my team yeah my team are upstairs um jack could you bring the team downstairs what do you guys do here

at doac i am a video editor nice i'm head of trailers for the podcast there's some good trailers as well thank you uh i'm head of the bookings. Do you want to make some? You go for it. Go on, Ant. You want it as well. So we'll split them. You can both mix them. Yeah. Is this the best shuffling you've ever seen? I mean, it's not bad. It's not the worst.

Usually it's when you throw more cards. Normal cards. Stone dead edition, yeah. Can I mix these over as well? I'll mix these all together, yeah? Yeah. Let's just have everybody pick one. We'll just try this.

Take one out, Stephen. There we go. Here we go. Thank you. Don't let me see. I'll look down so I can't see them. Just remember them and maybe show them to the camera so that the people at home can remember them too. Yeah. Cool, I'm going to look up now.

Yeah. I'll take this one first. One. Two. now yeah yeah i'll take this one first it's one two three four i'll give them a uh give them a shuffle i'll do one of those for you. That is so cool. Oh my god. So the first card then That's one. King of diamonds? That's mine!

That's your card. I had that thing up! Name your card out loud. Four of spades. If I just take this and just give it a little snap like that, we get the four of spades. Whoa! Yeah, so um of spades. If I just take this and just give it a little snap like that, we get the four of spades. Yeah so um it's M2 I think. And then for Stephen's instead of finding it I'll just I'll make all the other cards disappear.

What? Oh my god. Where have they gone? When you look under your pillow tonight, they won't be there. Oh my god! Wow, that is unreal. That was mega! Shit. Crazy. Don't worry, I did bring a spare deck of cards.

Is that how it's done? Just in case, yeah. How many packs of cards do you have? I mean, I'm trying to cut down to two packs a day. Yeah. Yeah. Take one. And then, Stephen, have you got a penny?

Yeah. Can you write your name on the face of the card? Oh my God. On this side. Yeah. On the other side. And in fact, pass it around so all of the card? Oh my gosh. On this side, yeah? On the other side. And if I pass it around so all of you can sign it, yeah? Oh my God, these ones.

I've seen these on telly. Getting a few things I'm going to need. Perfect. Have you signed it as well? Yeah. Great. Place it right there, face down. Did you show the camera? No. Maybe show the camera real quick, yeah?

This one over here. Perfect. So it's about halfway down. I've got a pound coin. Do you want to check it out? I can confirm it's a real pound coin. And I've got a little piece of paper. I'm going to place it like this.

In fact, you can see clearly that the card is in the middle where you placed it. That's not the card. Not on the top. Oh my God. That's going to be it, isn't it? The bottom. See the coin burns through the pack. Right through. But it didn't go all the way through the pack.

You see, it stopped on one card. Take a look. You take a look. You did! No! Oh, my days. My hands are shaking. Your hands are shaking. Your hands are shaking.

Gem. Yeah. Have you ever had a time in your life where you feel people have got close to you, but then they've almost like lured you into a false sense of security so that they can almost like manipulate you and like pull at your heartstrings do you know what i mean have you ever had that oh uh didn't realize this was a diary of simulacrum no um yeah i guess i could say maybe okay someone okay cool you don't have to be a person, I think, but just a time where you've experienced that way.

Manipulation. Yeah. So put your hand on my chest. And I want you to start to describe the types of emotions you'd feel when you went through that sort of thing. Insecurity. Lack of confidence.

Stupid. Stupid, okay. And then I just want you to name a colour. Red. Red, okay. So imagine these feelings were attached to a heartstring. A heartstring would be red, right? You can feel that pressure, right? Yeah. Slowly, I'm just going to pull down my top where your hand is. Oh.

Oh, red string. What? See that? Oh, my God. What? See that? Oh my god. Can you see that, right? It's coming out of your chest! Oh my days. Just... Shall I touch it?

Yeah, you can check it. It's coming out of my chest. You can feel it on my chest, yeah? Yeah. Take it. Oh god. What, Pull it? Yeah, slowly pull it out of my chest. Oh, it's a bit tight. Oh. Oh my god. He's got it on his heart string. Can you feel this? Mm-hmm. Okay. Oh, sorry. More? Yeah.

Is it gonna come out? Pull it all the way, yeah. Oh. Oh my God. Oh my God, this is freaking me out. More? How long is this heart string? How long?

That's yours to keep. That's yours to keep. For me, magic is about taking something that kind of doesn't exist, like a little spark in your mind, yeah? And then somehow being able to bring it to life. I spent the last few years not feeling like I had the magic in me that I really wanted to share, but there was always that fire somewhere deep inside of me, dying to get out. So can you take the lighter? And can you put your hands together like this for me?

Light the lighter. Because I'm going to take fire. And from fire, get ice. Oh my god! What?! Stop! What?! I can't believe your face! stop oh that's actual ice do you need a podcast to listen to next we've discovered that people who liked this episode also tend to absolutely love another recent episode we've done, so I've linked that episode in the description below. I know you'll enjoy it.