The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett - Moment 155: The "Post Date 8" Questions You Need To Ask To Find 'The One' - Logan Ury

Episode Date: March 29, 2024

In this moment, behavioural expert and dating coach, Logan Ury discusses the 3 fundamental things to look for in a partner. Too often people have a rigid list of exact traits that they want in their future partner in relationship science this is called, ‘relationship shopping’. This is the idea of shopping for your partner like you would do with any product online. However, more often than not, people end up in a long term relationship with someone who has none of these traits. The reason for this is that while people may think they know what they want, they are wrong. Instead, Logan says you need to date like a scientist, experimenting and constantly changing your hypothesis of what you want in a partner. This can be achieved by using Logan’s 8 questions to ask yourself after a date, the focus of this is examining who are you around that person, and what side of you do they bring out, as this is who you will be for the rest of the relationship. Listen to the full episode here Apple - https://g2ul0.app.link/sXZ3OZpToHb Spotify - https://g2ul0.app.link/nAu4hnmToHb Watch the Episodes On Youtube:  https://www.youtube.com/c/%20TheDiaryOfACEO/videos Logan: https://www.loganury.com https://www.instagram.com/loganury/?hl=en

Quick one, just wanted to say a big thank you to three people very quickly. First people I want to say thank you to is all of you that listen to the show. Never in my wildest dreams is all I can say. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd start a podcast in my kitchen and that it would expand all over the world as it has done. And we've now opened our first studio in America, thanks to my very helpful team led by Jack on the production side of things. So thank you to Jack and the team for building out the new American studio.

And thirdly to Amazon Music who, when they heard that we were expanding to the United States, and I'd be recording a lot more over in the States, they put a massive billboard in Times Square for the show. So thank you so much, Amazon Music. Thank you to our team. And thank you to all of you that listened to this show. Let's continue. Some of the things that I used to go for when I was younger, when I was looking for a perfect partner, I would be able to reel off things like, I want this color hair and I want them to look like this and I want this, this, this, this. It was like a shopping list, like apples, plums, it was like everything was on there. As I got a little bit older and I did a little bit of

hindsight research on what I was actually looking for, the list reduced and it became more about fundamental things. And I got down to these three things I thought you need in a partner to be happy. I'm going to run these things past you and get your thoughts. I believe you need a sexual connection. So I'll say sexual attraction. I believe you need an intellectual connection. And the last one is I felt that you need to mutually bake, you need to mutually make each other better at what you do. And for me, that's like my mission doing this or running businesses. And for her, it could be she's a breathwork practitioner and whatever else. We make each other better. We're sexually attracted and we're intellectually stimulating of each other.

I think those things are great. I don't think everyone should write them down as their three things, but I think it works for you. And I can tell you why they are more about who the two of you are together than her qualities. So maybe your early list had this body type, this hair color, this eye color, this ethnicity, whatever it was. It was about the superficial qualities. And so there's actually a term for this in relationship science, and we call it relation shopping. Shopping for a partner, like you'd shop for a pair of Bluetooth headphones.

You log onto Amazon and you say, okay, I want ones that are this color, this weight, this battery life. And then you start to think, oh, I can shop for a partner the same way. And it just doesn't work. What works is relation shipping, which is looking for a long-term partner and putting in the work to make that happen. So you want to move from relation shopping to relation shipping. But this is very common. People come to me, often these maximizers,

and they say, I know exactly what I want, Logan. I just need your help finding that person. So rarely does that ever work out. The person that ends up making them happy in the longterm is very rarely who they thought they should be with. And so the truth is you think you know what you want, but you're wrong. And the older you get and the more you think you've figured it out, the more you're actually excluding really great partners

because you think, oh, I wanna find someone like myself. Or you think, well, if her parents are divorced and she probably doesn't know how to be in a great relationship, so I only will date people whose parents are together. You're making all of these assumptions that are wrong. The better attitude is to date like a scientist. I think I need to be with somebody who's this tall. I think I need to be with somebody whose parents are together. Well, date someone who's different from that and see if you could fall for them. And so when I'm working with someone in a coaching capacity and they say to me, Logan, I met this guy, but he's not my type. In my head, I hear ding, ding, ding, because that's often them making a different choice that's going to lead to a different result. And those are way more often the relationships

that work out. And so when people come to me with that checklist, I'm not saying, great, let's run a LinkedIn search to find that person. I'm like, let's do the work to help you actually figure out who will bring out the best side of you. And I can tell you all the research about what's correlated with long-term relationship success and what's not. But my favorite way of viewing it is who are you around that person? What side of you do they bring out? And so I have this list of questions called the post-date eight. And there are eight questions to ask yourself after a date. The point of the post-date eight is that when you go on a date with a checklist, in your head, you're evaluating the person as if you're on a job interview. Are they good looking enough for me? Are they ambitious enough for me? Are they funny

enough for me? You're evaluating. Instead with the post-date eight, it's actually training you to tune into your experience, the experiential mindset. Are we laughing together? Do I feel desired in their presence? Do they make me feel more energized or less energized? And finally, what side of me do they bring out? Because whoever that person brings out in you is who you will be for the rest of your life in that relationship. And don't you want to be the happy, secure,

desired, hilarious version of yourself? Where do I find this post-date eight picture in your book? I had it on my- Yeah, this is something from my book that I liked it, but it's really blown up because I feel like people really use it. They take a picture of it on their phone. They take a screenshot from my Instagram and they ask themselves after the date. And it really changes the way they show up on the date. And it's also a great way to say, should I date this person again? Because my slogan,

my motto has become fuck the spark. And the spark is this idea that we go after the all-encompassing initial chemistry, the fireworks, but the spark is this idea that we go after the all-encompassing initial chemistry, the fireworks, but the spark often leads to relationships that burn out. And instead, you should go after the slow burn, the person who's not initially as exciting, the secure person who would make a great long-term partner. But to train yourself from looking for the spark to looking for the slow burn, how do you do that? You need a new barometer. So with the post-date eight, you ask yourself these questions after a date, and then you see, am I interested in them? Is my interest trending upwards after each date? And it's a way of training your brain away from the initial chemistry, maybe the anxious avoidant loop to a new way of dating. So the

post-date eight questions are all kind of sensible. Yeah, I'm pretty sensible. And I guess this is ranking them more on whether they are a secure person than whether they are that kind of super spicy cayenne pepper, maybe a little bit abandoning, anxious type. Yeah, I think it's doing a few things. So one is, do you know the research on gratitude journals and why they work?

No. So if you throughout the day have to look for three things to write in your journal that you're grateful for at the end of the day, you're training your brain to look for those things. Like I almost missed my flight, but I made it. Maybe normally you wouldn't even think about that, but because you have to look for things to be grateful for, you make a little mental note and then you feel more

gratitude. The same thing works with the post-date eight. Because I have to answer at the end of the date, what side of me did they bring out? How did I feel in my body? I'm paying attention to that during the date. So it's overriding the checklist mindset. It's overriding the evaluative mindset. I'm not thinking, are you good enough for me? I'm thinking, what are we creating together? So it's really training me to be more mindful and really tune into what it feels like to be around you. Because so often what happens with daters is they think he's from a good family.

He has a great resume. He makes a bunch of money. We should work out. This should be a great relationship. He's good on paper. Well, when you're in person, he makes you feel like shit. He's rude to you and he's inconsiderate, but you're so focused on his resume qualities that you don't think about it. With the post-date eight, you'll be like, I felt very bad on that

date. I shouldn't see him again. So it's taking what people are doing wrong and it's training them to focus on what really matters. What are some of the things that people think matter less than they actually do as it relates to finding someone, falling in love and having a great relationship? So some things that people, you know, they think are really important, but are actually not important in reality. Yeah. So let's go through that. So here are some things that matter less than people think they do for long term relationship success. So the first one is looks. Of course, you should be attracted to the person. But the truth is that we have adaptation. We adapt to whatever's around us. So I like to joke that even the hottest person you

know, there's somebody who's sick of sleeping with them. That's just the truth of the human brain is that we adapt to what's around us. And so obviously you should be attracted to the person, but I wouldn't optimize for the hottest person. The next one is similar, which is money. Obviously money makes things easier. There's tons of research that when couples have enough money to outsource things like cooking and cleaning and childcare, they have more time to connect. But the same thing is true with money. And there's this idea called the transition rule. So when you think about winning the lottery, what you imagine is going from your current salary to what you would have with the lottery and what you imagine is going from your current salary

to what you would have with the lottery and what that change would feel like. But over time, and we know this from the research, about a year after you win the lottery, you are about as happy as you were before because you've adapted to your new circumstances. And the same thing is true with people who become quadriplegics.

If I say to you, how bad would it feel to become a quadriplegic? You think about the change and you think it would be extremely terrible. But what actually we find is that about a year after becoming a quadriplegic, somebody is the same happiness as they were before. And so the same thing is true with looks and money is that we adapt to our circumstances, so don't over-optimize for it. The next thing is having a similar personality or similar hobbies. It's fine if we have different hobbies, as long as you make me feel like I can explore mine without judging me for it. So interesting because me and my girlfriend are completely different. She is super spiritual. She believes things that are metaphysical and can't be proven. And I'm like science, science, science, evidence. Right. And maybe at some point in your life, you thought,

oh, we have to have the same interests. No, you probably both want to be curious and be respectful and you want to understand her breath work stuff. It doesn't mean you need to share it. And with similar personalities, it's the same idea. I remember I was coaching this guy who had a huge larger than life personality, crazy nicknames, life of the party.

And he wanted to find someone like that because he's like, well, she needs to party with me. I was like, dude, you are so much. Two of you in a relationship would be exhausting. Two of you at the same dinner party would be exhausting. I want you to find somebody who compliments you. And so the woman he ended up with is very different from him. She's not at the party. She's at home, but she's the home base for him. And he is the energizing, wild part of their relationship. And so it's not that people have to find their opposites it's that you shouldn't focus on just finding your identical twin your personality twin