The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett - Moment 34 - The Key To Finding True Love: Ali Abdaal

Episode Date: December 2, 2021

In these ‘Moment’ episodes of my podcast, I’ll be selecting my favourite moments from previous episodes of The Diary Of A CEO. We all want to find success in dating, so it’s understandable if you feel the need to be different. But this is actually one of the worst things you can do. Ali Abdaal and I discuss how choosing to show up as yourself is the key to finding success in dating and relationships. Episode 93 - https://g2ul0.app.link/Sg9gsTn0Dlb Ali: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCoOae5nYA7VqaXzerajD0lg https://www.instagram.com/aliabdaal/?hl=en

Quick one, just wanted to say a big thank you to three people very quickly. First people I want to say thank you to is all of you that listen to the show. Never in my wildest dreams is all I can say. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd start a podcast in my kitchen and that it would expand all over the world as it has done. And we've now opened our first studio in America, thanks to my very helpful team led by Jack on the production side of things. So thank you to Jack and the team for building out the new American studio.

And thirdly to Amazon Music who, when they heard that we were expanding to the United States, and I'd be recording a lot more over in the States, they put a massive billboard in Times Square for the show. So thank you so much, Amazon Music. Thank you to our team. And thank you to all of you that listened to this show. Let's continue. You talked about relationships at the start of this podcast you said you said you you i think you alluded to the fact that you hadn't had much luck there when we were talking about knowing you're enough yeah what's going on yeah this is a real problem um so there's a few like narratives that i've bought into um subconsciously one of those narratives is that

i am like a weedy nerd kid this is like the kid that i was when i was 12 years old and getting slightly bullied in school and getting grades and stuff but like not really have anything anything uh not being valuable as a human being beyond the fact that i was generating a stars in exams that's like one side of it there's another side but I'd love to hear your take on What's the other side? The other side is If we're keeping it real It's like I think it's around

Masculinity and what it means To be a man And if one were to hypothetically Read wiki how articles on how to get girls Or even the vast literature on the topic There is A big thing of read wiki how articles on how to get girls or even the vast literature on the topic um there is a big thing of women are attracted to men like you know people who are so someone who is a man someone who leads someone who's like alpha those sorts of those those sorts of things and i think

my kind of default way of being is very not that. And like my idea of fun is singing Disney songs and playing board games until two o'clock in the morning with a pizza takeaway rather than something that are more like macho alpha type person person would be. And so on the one hand, there's that thing of just be yourself, of be your authentic self, et cetera, et cetera. And a girl will like that for who you are and on the other side it's the the thing of you will objectively get more success with women in inverted commas if you sort of are more of that alpha type personality here's the problem yeah please on the on the that particular point before we move on because i'd love to hear what you're going on to say but um you were you it sounded like you were saying do i be myself and dance around listening to disney um even though it might

return a lower quantity of smoking hot potential partners um or the alternative to that is do i be masculine um guy and like act outside of self to generate more smoking hot partners the issue you have is you just got to zoom out and you've got to think about the outcome of both approaches and how sustainable both approaches are all you can be is yourself for a long period of time okay and if you want long long-term results that's the only option you have of course you can act as something you're not and pretend you don't like disney and not listen play board games and stuff and you might meet the wrong person for a short amount of time because and it will be a short amount of time because that relationship will capitulate the minute they find out who you actually are and this is there's you know

um yeah this is this is always for me the answer is you have to be yourself you have no choice in that you do have a choice in being able to kill some of those confidence issues which might be self-sabotaging at key points in the relationship where it turns into insecurity and results in jealousy and you know if you're coming into relationship thinking why the fuck is this person with me yeah the chance of you exhibiting jealous behavior and controlling behavior and manipulative behavior and insecure behavior and where are you why haven't you here and why haven't you texted me back fast enough and is is high and for me that will put undue pressure on something that might have worked otherwise so go ahead and work on the the confidence issues yeah but never

ever dare change who you are like the things you intrinsic do not change those do not try and act outside of those because that is that will lead to really short-term results and you don't actually want to be with anyone for 50 years that doesn't want to dance and listen to disney movies with you you don't actually want to society's telling you want smoking hot but you don't actually want that you'll you won't return joy on that you'll you'll return status from walking in with a smoking hot model that has no brain but you won't return joy in the long term and that is the goal that's the north star does that make sense it does yeah um on the note of being yourself the thing that uh the the thing that i feel i feel i feel a contradiction is that

on the one side there's there's kind of be yourself and on the other side there's like choose yourself and what i what i worry about is what if this person who i am i either kind of nice guy who like enjoys disney and board games and stuff that's a result of accidental experiences that i haven't really chosen for myself and should i instead be thinking okay who's the sort of person i want to be although having having said that i don't want to be anyone who doesn't sing along disney songs because they're just great um yeah and you sing along to disney songs not because you're now being forced because you enjoy it yeah it's just genuinely fun it makes you feel good yeah it's so good yeah so that's that's part of

the answer to a lot of the things we've discussed before which is going in the direction of the things that make you feel good don't suppress things that make you feel good because then you'll feel shit so if that makes you feel good that is in as far as i'm concerned you've explored and exploited as you say yeah and you've and you've and you found something you enjoy and don't sacrifice that for what for a pretty woman to be stood next to you that's not in that that trust me will not be enjoyment that'll be status that'll be extrinsic approval right which is very different from internal fulfillment so i would never disregard those things however you can as i've done over the last year and a half say do you know what it when I look at my values and who I actually want to be internally,

my health, this is what I've done, is so foundational to everything. And I really managed to almost like hypnotize myself somehow into knowing that me being in good shape and me being someone that goes to the gym every day and prioritizes that, my health is my first foundation, is in line with my happiness

the change in my life the thing that's put me in the best shape of my life ever was before as i've said this podcast me working out was all about women the minute it became not about women it stuck because because um yeah for so many reasons i mean i enjoyed the process and i removed wanting six pack and i i basically don't have any gym goals now whatsoever my goal is to go every day it stuck it became intrinsic it was for me um and now i go every single day and the minute we finish this conversation my pt's waiting for me and i always went yesterday the day before i'll go the day tomorrow every day okay i don't care i'm not doing it for anyone else so it sticks interesting that's why your relationship will fail if you're with someone

that you you're with for external reasons it won't stick okay yeah this makes a lot of sense