The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett - Moment 97 - The SECRET Hack Behind The Perfect First Date: Paul Brunson

Episode Date: February 17, 2023

In your social life the first date is one of the most stressful experiences you can have. From worrying about the impression you want to make, what to wear, where to go and whether this is your future life partner or not, the expectations you set for a first date become impossible. In this moment the love doctor Paul Brunson breaks down why we are all setting ourselves up for failure and why we shouldn’t even go on dates! Instead Paul believes you should scrap the dinner date and go for 30 minute meet ups over a coffee or a walk, relieving all the pressure. What about the all important chemistry on a date? Paul believes this is just physical attraction and listening. Simple! Listen to the full episode here - https://g2ul0.app.link/CJDD2DKdtxb Paul- https://www.instagram.com/paulcbrunson/?hl=en https://www.paulcbrunson.com Watch the Episodes On Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/c/TheDiaryOfACEO/videos

Quick one, just wanted to say a big thank you to three people very quickly. First people I want to say thank you to is all of you that listen to the show. Never in my wildest dreams is all I can say. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd start a podcast in my kitchen and that it would expand all over the world as it has done. And we've now opened our first studio in America, thanks to my very helpful team led by Jack on the production side of things. So thank you to Jack and the team for building out the new American studio.

And thirdly to Amazon Music who, when they heard that we were expanding to the United States and I'd be recording a lot more over in the States, they put a massive billboard in Times Square for the show. So thank you so much, Amazon Music. Thank you to our team. And thank you to all of you that listened to this show. Let's continue. Another question I had was about honesty from the jump. You go on a first date, you meet someone. How honest should I be? Should I tell them about my childhood trauma on the first date?

Is that being authentic or is that offloading? Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, Chris Rock said it best. You know, when you meet someone, especially on a date, you're not meeting them, you're meeting their representative. You know? So from that standpoint, we have to understand that there is a boundary negotiation that happens, especially on these first dates. And it is that tennis game again, right? So what you're trying to do ultimately is you're trying to, and let me even back up. Can I say this about the first? One is that I think most of us do the first date completely wrong, entirely wrong.

We set ourselves up from the jump to fail miserably and be disappointed. And the reason why is because the first date is too intricate. It's too big. You know, it's dinner, but to prepare for dinner, I'm going to buy a new whatever. I'm going to get my hair done. I'm going to get this. I'm going to buy this new thing. I'm going to get the car washed. I'm going to do all this stuff. We've spent, we've invested so much that we've set ourself up for failure. Also, a first date, quite honestly, over dinner is an interview.

It always turns into an interview. And then the culture I've noticed in the UK is fascinating, is that this is not everyone, but typically I notice is we're going to get completely pissed before the date. So we can talk to each other. So we're just going to drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink. Okay, now let's talk to each other. And so it becomes, we set ourselves up for having a very costly date in time, effort, all resources. Instead, it sounds so simple. I like meetups. Let's not, let's even take the pressure off of the date situation. Let's call it a meetup. 30 minutes, let's have coffee, right? The reason why I love that, or a walk. Sounds stupid, right? No, a walk for 30 minutes.

Let's just go walk at lunch. Let's go take a walk. The reason why I love that is because the expectation is so much lower in that situation. So much lower. The cost, so much lower in that situation. So much lower. The cost, so much lower, right? So the investment, right? So much lower. So therefore that return on investment

potentially so much higher. But then also psychologically, what I love is happening is if it's coffee, caffeine, if it's a walk, it's endorphins going, right? Those help us to bond, right? Opposed to alcohol, that's a depressant, right? It's doing the opposite. So in terms of elucidating ourselves for great conversation and preparing ourselves for success, a walk or coffee is great. The other part of that is I've had millions, like not millions, I've had, let's say,

thousands of clients who I've said, okay, in particular, this is for ladies telling men, tell the guy that you want to meet him for coffee in the day. A lot of guys are like, I'm not doing that. Yeah, because they want to get laid. They're like, I'm not doing that. So right away. It's a good filter.

It's a great filter. It's an easy filter for you. So that's part of that. And then if it works well, and when I say if it works well, is you just need two things on that meetup. Are you physically attracted to them minimally? And then did they listen to you? So if you have the ability to communicate,

they listened critically, you listen critically, and you're physically attracted, that is chemistry. Because we have a hard time defining what is chemistry. You say, what is chemistry? What's the buzz? What does that mean? And everyone's like, I don't know, I don't know. It is, I think think one part physical attraction,

mutual physical attraction, another part, critical listening, listening. If you have that, you have enough to move forward and then see each other in another environment. You know? So true. Cause I just reflecting on how many of my friends, both men and women will come back from a date that didn't work out and just resentfully talk about how much they've spent and how and how and how much it cost like how long it cost them yes and how much money it cost them and the preparation and the facial and the hair and the nails and and they sit there resentfully and it's all you you you're right bringing that level of expectation to a first encounter, you know, Mo Gowdat sat here and said,

we're happy when our expectations of how life is supposed to be going are met, and we're unhappy when our expectations of how life is supposed to be going go unmet. I'm coming in with one hell of an expectation that you're going to be my husband. Yes. I've put in all the work, all the investment, the time, three hours. And then if you fall anywhere below that, for whatever reason, I'm probably looking for, you know, oh God, it's not, you're almost setting yourself up to fail by, by doing such a huge initial upfront investment.

Yes. And you know what you, you were making, I think a brilliant, brilliant point there is that when you've made that investment, what you end up doing is you're looking for reasons to weed them out. Yeah. Cause you're like, I mean, I did all this. Yeah, and his trainers. What trainers is this guy wearing? Oh my God, you see those trainers?

Those are last year's trainers. I bought new shoes for this shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. What are you struggling with in your relationship? Oh man. You know, it is time. Really? Time. Quality time? It is, it is, it is, I would say time, but quality time because I am, you know, right now I'm predominantly doing television work. And I've been in TV now since Oprah, so 12, 13 years.

So it's been a while. And one thing I've noticed about the television space is that there are moments when you're hot and there are moments when you're not. And when you're hot, that's the time to leverage. And so you have to, you're already working your ass off, but you better work it off even more. And so I'm in that zone right now.

I mean, I'm blessed. I'm co-hosting two shows. I'm contributing to three shows, one in the States, two here in the UK. So it's one of these where I'm constantly work every day, every day and work, every day and work every day and working. So that time with my wife, that time with my children, that's the time that I wish I can get some back. How are you negotiating that? How are you serving the ball over the net

in terms of the tennis analogy to make sure things aren't, you know, she still feels like a priority and your family still feel like a priority. Yeah, that's a great one. I mean, finding those moments and making sure that we're, or should I say, making sure that we're intentional about the moments that we do have, right? So this morning, for example, before I came over here, we had breakfast together, went out, had breakfast together,

sat, talked with the dog, right? Those moments are immeasurable.