The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett - Moment 99 - Simon Sinek: The Power Of Your ‘Why’ & How To Find It!

Episode Date: March 3, 2023

What is your why? It is the reason you wake up in the morning, it is your value and the thing you give to the world and the people around you. In this moment Simon Sinek discusses how your ‘why’ is formed by the time you are a teenager and is the sum total of your upbringing and how you were raised. Once formed your ‘why’ never changes. But Simon says the thing we give to the world with our ‘why’ is also the thing we need the most, to find this we need to focus less on ourselves and focus on helping others. Listen to the full episode here - https://g2ul0.app.link/dqCseBJuQxb Simon: https://twitter.com/simonsinek?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor https://www.instagram.com/simonsinek/?hl=en Watch the Episodes On Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/c/TheDiaryOfACEO/videos

Quick one, just wanted to say a big thank you to three people very quickly. First people I want to say thank you to is all of you that listen to the show. Never in my wildest dreams is all I can say. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd start a podcast in my kitchen and that it would expand all over the world as it has done. And we've now opened our first studio in America, thanks to my very helpful team led by Jack on the production side of things. So thank you to Jack and the team for building out the new American studio.

And thirdly to Amazon Music who, when they heard that we were expanding to the United States, and I'd be recording a lot more over in the States, they put a massive billboard in Times Square for the show. So thank you so much, Amazon Music. Thank you to our team. And thank you to all of you that listened to this show. Let's continue. There's so many things I want to talk to you about, but one of the things that I was curious about, because I've been thinking a lot about this in my life, is this idea of our whys evolving. What is your why?

And has it evolved over the last decade at all? So my why is to inspire people to do the things that inspire them. So together, each of us can change our world for the better. And it's why I wake up every morning, every day. It is the greatest compliment someone can pay me when they say to me, that was inspiring or you were inspiring. Like that feeds me, you know? And the interesting thing about a why is because it is not, it is objective.

A why is the sum total of how we were raised. It's born out of the patterns and the lessons we learn from our parents, from our teachers when we're young. And our why is fully formed by the time we're in our mid to late teens. And you only have one why for the rest of your life. It doesn't change. You are who you are based on how you were raised. Now, you may not be acting as your true self. You know, people say that to us all the time. You know, it's like, I don't know who you are anymore, you know? But when you are at your natural best, your why is front and center.

But we're not always acting at our natural best. And sometimes we make decisions out of selfishness. We take the job that pays us, that offers us the most money and turn down the one to work for somebody who would probably be a better mentor. You know, we do these things all the time. And so, you know, can you tweak the words of your why? Of course, you know, but that's semantics. Can we find better ways to bring a why to life?

Yes, that's the evolution. But the why itself is fixed. When you talk about the why being influenced by the things that happened in our life, our experiences, our upbringing, does that mean that our trauma can influence our why for better or for worse? Always for better. Always for better?

Yeah. A why is always positive. And I'll give you a real life example of somebody's why discovery that I did. And, you know, one of the things I do when I do somebody's why discovery, I ask them about, you know, happy experiences when they were kids. And this person said, I didn't have a very happy childhood. I had a really bad childhood. And I said, okay, so tell me, tell me a bad memory then, you know? And she talked about a lot of abuse in the household and a very abusive alcoholic father who would beat her mother and the kids. And she told a story of a repeated pattern of when the father would be drunk and come looking for the kids that she'd be hiding

in the cupboard, protecting her brother with her arms wrapped around him. So to shield her brother and she goes through this whole story. And at the end, I pointed out to her that she's a protector that in the in these traumatic experiences it was her instinct to to protect her baby brother and she's lived her life if you look at all of the times that she's really thrived and where she's her her best self she's usually in a in a in a position of protection of other of other people and that's where she finds joy in taking care of other people. And so the experiences mold us into who we are and the effects, you know, the impact will be positive

regardless of where it comes from. So yeah, I mean, a horrible childhood that made her a wonderful human being. I was going to use me as an example there to try and rebuttal that somewhat, but I remember having a very similar conversation with a very good friend of mine a week ago human being. I was going to use me as an example there to try and rebuttal that somewhat. But I remember having a very similar conversation with a very good friend of mine a week ago, upstairs, who talked to me about their childhood. They've talked about this publicly as well. So I'm

not letting the cat out of the bag. But their father used to beat their mother up really, really severely. And she was telling me literally just a few days ago upstairs, that her memories of trying to hold on to her dad's arm as it swung for her mother when she was five years old. And when you look at the pattern of what those early experiences have caused and a few other experiences, she's obsessed with helping others and she's, you know, building these amazing businesses. She's unbelievably successful. It's like frighteningly successful at a very, very young age. However, that force in her to help others has meant that she's compromised sometimes helping herself.

And of everyone I know in my life, she is the most successful woman I know, but she's also the woman that is most unsuccessful in all of the personal aspects, relationships, boyfriend, mental health, all of these things. So when we say, you know, I understand the positive side of it,

but the negative side of it seems to be of this unbelievable, I guess, why she's got seems to just, honestly, for me, not be worth it. Because this is not someone that would say they're happy. This is someone that is in therapy and is every day in tears and upset while serving the world in an unbelievable way.

So is that a positive? Is that a positive why? So the rub about the why, you know, a why is basically the thing we give to the world. It's the value we have in other people's lives. Her friends would say of her that she is our protector. You know, that is the role we fill in their lives, which is why they love us because we're giving them our why. It is our value. The rub, the most difficult thing about the why to understand is the thing that we give to the world

is also the thing that we need the most. It's always balanced. And so I would argue that, you know, it's not that she's unable to take care of herself, it's that she needs to find friends, colleagues, whatever it is, who are committed to taking care of her. And that's where the change happens. And, you know, we were talking about this, you know, before the show started, you know, there's an entire section of the bookshop called self-help and there's no section of the bookshop called help others.

And I believe what we need is the help others industry. I'll tell you something, something that happened to me. A friend of mine was going through a really rough patch in her life. Her marriage was struggling. Her career was struggling. She was unhappy. Like just none of the boxes were getting checked, you know? And she knows what I do. I mean, we've been friends for forever. And she asked a favor, can you help me? You know, of course, of course, I said. And every week we had a standing 90 minute meeting where she'd come over and she would tell me what's going on. And I would give her some advice and point out some patterns and she'd feel fantastic. She would leave on a high and she'd feel amazing for like two days. And then it'll go right back again. And she'd come back the following week. And this went on for months,

two days, three days, and then back down again. Right. And then it occurred to me, like I remember my own work in Leaders Eat Last. I talk about Alcoholics Anonymous, where they have 12 steps to help an alcoholic beat this disease. And Alcoholics Anonymous knows that if you master 11 of the 12 steps, you're going to probably slide back and succumb to the disease. But if you can master the 12th step as well, you will more likely beat the disease. The 12th step is to help another alcoholic. It's service. And so I remembered my own work and I decided to do a little, I decided to change things up. And so I said to her, look, I love that you come and see me every week and I love helping you every week, but you know, I struggle with things too. And I don't have anybody to talk to.

Would you be willing to help me? Maybe we can split the time. And she said, of course, yes. And what started to happen is every week we got together and I would, and it was genuine. I wasn't faking it. Like I would unload and tell her what I was going through and what I was struggling with. And it ended up that we wouldn't split the time. It ended up that she would spend 90 minutes talking about my stuff. Right. And she was the advice giver and she was the one looking for the patterns and she would leave on a high and that high would stay until the following week. It was only when we reversed the scenario where that she was, I had the opportunity to take care of someone she loved, that she was, I had the opportunity to take care of someone she loved, that she was able to find the solutions to her own challenges.

And I'm a great believer that we have to remember we're social animals. We need each other. And this is the great paradox of being human. At every moment of every day, we are both individuals and members of groups. And there's a debate. Do you take care of yourself first or do you take care of others first? And there's a whole school of thoughts that says you have to take care of yourself first

because if you're not healthy, you can't take care of others. And there's a whole school of thought that says, no, you have to take care of others first so that when you're in need, they'll be there for you. And the answer is you're both right and you're both wrong. It's a paradox. It's a struggle. And every day we're faced with sometimes big but often small choices. Do I prioritize myself at the sacrifice of the group

or do I prioritize the group at the sacrifice of myself? And, you know, folks like Maslow, like Maslow's hierarchy of needs, Maslow made a huge mistake in that hierarchy, which is his baseline, our basic need is food and shelter, right? I've never heard of anyone dying by suicide because they were hungry. I've heard of people dying by suicide because they were lonely, right?

And yet social relationships in Maslow's hierarchy is number three. But that doesn't sound right. It seems like there's something more important to human beings than just food and shelter. And then the top of the peak is self-actualization, which sounds the most selfish thing in the world. Like I am so self-actualized that I would literally sit on top of a pyramid and look down at all of you unactualized people because that's my goal to be self-actualized. He's half right. The mistake that Maslow made, he's the only thought of us as individuals.

And as individuals, yes, I need food and shelter first. But as a member of a group, I need friends and I need love. And self-actualization is not the thing I'm actually in pursuit of as a member of a group. It's shared actualization that I'm looking for. And unfortunately, for various reasons, which we don't have to go down that rabbit hole, the past 30, 40 years, especially in the West, we have doubled down on individualism. We have doubled down on my own career. We've doubled down at how do I find love? How do I find happiness? We've doubled down on selfishness. And it worked for a while. It worked when the economy was really good. Like in the 80s and 90s and 2000s, it's awesome. Selfishness was great because it worked.

But now in a complicated, messy world where the economy isn't great and everything's not roses, all that self-interest is now not working, except we haven't been practicing and developing the skills of taking care of each other. And that's what we need now more than ever. And so I don't know your friend, and so I can't make any conclusions. But we are animals in balance, right? And nature abhors a vacuum. And so whenever I hear about these things, my question is always about the balance.

So for example, every single good thing that happens in our lives, everything comes at a cost. There's nothing for free. Somebody with an incredible career has no relationship with their kids, right? Everything comes at a cost. There's nothing for free. Somebody with an incredible career has no relationship with their kids, right? Everything comes at a cost. But at the same time, everything we struggle with has opportunity and lesson that goes with it. It's always balanced, right? And so whenever anybody tells me this great thing, I'm always like, yeah, but at what cost? And was the cost worth it? Sometimes the answer is yes. And sometimes the answer is no. And when something horrible happens in someone's life or something goes

sideways, I always ask, but what did you learn? You know, I mean, my career and yours is the same, you know, the whole golden circle and the concept of why came out of me losing my passion and hating work. I went through depression. I never want to go through that again, but I'm really glad it happened because look what it's given me an entirely new life view. And I think of strengths and weaknesses the same way. I think it's hilarious when people say, what are your strengths and what are your weaknesses? Well, it depends. Life is balanced and it's always contextual and everything that we have that's a strength has liability attached. And every weakness we have has strength that's attached.