The Dick Show - Episode 522 - Dick on Cuck Theft Auto

Episode Date: August 31, 2026

Grand Theft Auto releases some dress shopping previews, three men on the Lindsay Clancy jury, permanent jewelry, Milo is deported, racist Halloween costume apology season begins, and Manny Muskets takes a while girl to Red Lobster; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Something had to have happened. Oh, damn if I know what it was, though. You know? Was it something? Was it good? Wasn't good. Nothing good happens. Either great things happen?

Or horrible things happen. Oh, horrible things happen. Oh, no. Yeah, I hear some horrible things happening upstairs. A mighty wind is a blowing. Everyone get your wife in. What is it? An IED.

Is it playing? Yeah. Okay. IUD, which is the one that stops pregnancy? IEDs. IED? Yeah. Well, they both stop pregnancy, I guess.

You can hear the sounds and one prevents it. I guess both prevent it. But, yeah. Wage gaped again. Dude. Getting spark plug gapped over here. Why do I even try? My wife's the one that tries.

she hits girls up. Obviously, I can't do it. Hey, baby. Come on my show. Hey, baby. What is the deal? Do you know? Any, any idea? I mean,

I think, here's what I think is wrong with women. Oh, you figured out. Acutely, acutely. This is what wrong with them in this instance. is that they're worried they know they know that any time they leave the house there's a chance they're getting fucked

that's what that's what is in the back that's the monster at the end of their book women the chance that they might I'm not saying look I'm not saying that's what's happening I'm not saying that that is what was going to happen

but the reason they are so unreliable a major one and the reason why they don't want to do anything or or show up anywhere is because in the back of their minds, they know, even going to the store, buying, you know, walking the dog, anything, absolutely anything, they know in the back of their mind that there's a chance, they walk out that door, get out of bed, but they're getting fucked. Dude, my wallet lives in that same fear. Keep it at home. I don't take my wallet out anymore. Just leave it in home.

You want to split the check? I don't have my wallet. How could I do that? Second, I leave the house with my wallet in pocket? It's getting fucked. We are losing money. That's what drives them. That's what drives the wage gap. Is this

fear they have. They know. It's a certainty. It's an odds game. It's an odds game. If they go to the movies with you, if they go out to dinner, if they go to make a couple hundred bucks driving across town and reading off a piece of paper for an hour any number of things they go to the store they go to the bank there's a chance one of those times they're coming back fucked and they hate that they do not want that's the last thing they want

okay wage-gapped fucking wage-gapped I'm over here feeling like uh Cuck Theft Auto. Oh, where some fat lady texts you in the game the whole time? I swear. Man, they have some really cool features for Cuck Theft Auto 6. Grand Theft Cuck 6. Cuck Edition. Cuck, Cuck, Cuck Auto.

Cuck, Cuck, Cuck. Online. Six, yeah. Six, yeah. Cuc, Cuck, Cuck. Six. Cuck, six. there has to be a certain point

for realism where you just go you know what I'd rather just go do all this shit actually you have to get gas I would rather just actually go get gas yeah I'm just gonna go get gas every car you get in in the game is at empty

and your and your bitch wife in the game says why didn't you fill this up last night now I have to fill it up on the way to Pilates and I'm gonna be late they've fused the real world and the fake world together now. Your wife can text the Lucia girl in the game, and the game will text you your wife's texts messages. Isn't that wonderful?

Isn't that a great development while you're getting gas? Do you have to get gas for a fake bitch and a real bitch? There's multiple bitches. You have to get fake gas. You have to get fake You can't mix them up Say honey I got you some fake gas I don't want fake gas

This isn't a video game And then the video game is texting you that In the game The fat ass The fat titless Latina girl boss Cocking a shotgun Who is that game for? I truly don't know

I really don't know It's for Video games are like Some girls will play them with Usually girls will play them with you Because they get to boss you around You know You're the game bitch then

and it's like under the guise of helping. Right. They get to experience that in video games, whereas we get to experience that all day, every day with them. Right. Close the refrigerator. See, they... You're letting all the cold air out.

They get to do that in the context of games only. And we tolerate it. It's enjoyable. Tolerate it. But to be honest, I'd rather just be playing by myself. Yeah Rockstar

For some For some insane reason Thought that I want to be playing Video Games with my wife That that's the preferred way to play them And it is not That is a tolerated way to play them I wanted to be like beam NG

Where you can just Like that car physics simulator And I just want to launch myself off cliffs Endlessly That's the one I want to play Yeah Isn't that great? That's the last bit of escapism.

You can probably... You can... There is no escape. There is no escape. You have to pick your gender and your relationship status when you sign into the game and then you can play on nightmare mode.

It asks you how long you've been married. It's like, ooh, wow. She's gonna be... Lucy is going to be real bitchy for your game. Real fucking bitchy. She starts shitting with the door open. You hit five plus years.

Whoa! Turn the fan on before you faint. You run out of tampons in game for yourself. Right. Your wife never runs out of tampons in the video game. You do. You have to go to the tampon dispensary when you're getting gas for your fucking car that has flock on it. There's flock cameras all over the game now, so you can't escape the police.

If they're trying to modernize it and shit, why don't they just make a bunch of electric cars that you don't have to fucking get gas for? Gas thing. Man, there's one thing I want to do in Grand Theft Auto is three-point turns at two miles an hour. That's fucking amazing.

The game physics are just so incredible, so easy to control. I make a three-point turn on that bitch. There's a... Maybe I'll just play one of the clips. She goes, what should I wear? your in-game wife Jesus

fucking Christ I wasn't even going to talk about this today I can't help it It's like argument as old as time It's just like I don't want To experience the real world In a video game

I don't want this girl boss shit I don't want it in real world I don't want it in a fantasy world This game is for weirdos Who The only realism I want in a fantasy world is if you can like rob your baby mama with like a wizard staff or like uh you know something like along those like shoot dice with like yeah uh when when she asks uh which which of these dresses should

i wear tonight i want to run her over in my fucking car that's what i that's the part of the game that i'm looking forward to the most that's cool um it's funny they started i was like reading about it you know this week like everybody they started developing it 10 years ago or 13 ago or something. Right? So there's this guy on Twitter that like that

researches all these like woke feminist lesbians, black, gender, queer lesbians that are like were devs on the game. I don't know what the fuck

a dev means anymore. Maybe when the WNBA is done figuring out what a penis is on a woman, they can tell us what they think a dev means. Devil Degg.

Devil Degs. We got a lot of devs in this room right now. because I fucking know it's not even vibe it's not coding it's not vibe coding I don't know what it is

I think it's doing emails I think that's they're they're deving the women devs so he finds all the women feminist devs like shit that they say and it's always like

you know it's this typical shit so they've all been they've all been working on this shitty game for 10 years which is like which locks the which locks the

which locks the the theme of the game circa like 2017 immediately post Trump when it was like when the left half of the country was like a frothing

indignant manhating mess that's where the story comes from locked out of a time capsule you can't wait to relive this I can't fucking wait to relive the butt hurt of 2017

in my long house simulator This should make all the cars Just a Prius All the cars are men You ride them around You stick your dick in their ass Ride them around It's like Ultimate Muscle Roller Simulator, man

Don't tell me you don't remember I don't remember Ultimate Muscle Simulator Oh no What's that? I'll try and email it too Okay People will always send me Some of the stuff you come up with

I'm like that's what you're talking about I don't remember that shit Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick. Hey! Welcome Dick. You want Dick, you need to, Dick, you love to you. God! It's the show where Ims the Kahnis, coming alive from Mountain Bunker Deep in the heart of the study of failure.

Meagostick Batcherson. Joining me is Johnny the audio engineer. Are you looking for the muscle thing? Muscle simulator? Ultimate Muscle Roller Legends, yeah. We'll look that up at the end. I can remember that shit. Is that traumatizing?

Oh, man. That got some trauma for you. Man, I was in an Uber last night. this isn't what I was going to talk about trauma I was in an Uber last night this fucking some fat Mexican woman driver right

and they've got the usually I get usually I get a Ching Chong right and their directions are in in Ching Chong so it's like something I can understand yeah the fat Mexican woman had her

Mexican directions on like turned up at full volume and the AI of the voice sounded exactly like a fat Mexican woman. They sounded identical. Like, thinking she was talking to me. I'm like, what? What did you say? It was all no, it's the directions. Can you turn it off? Dude, you have this on all day? You have the directions fucking shouting at you all day? Do you have postpartum depression or something? Probably. Dude, man.

Getting in an Uber is such a fucking gamble. I'll never forget. There was one time where I was down pretty bad. My car was in the shop and all this shit, and I had to get to work. Yeah. Fucking driving or Ubering to work in the rain. And it's this Filipino driver playing like a Christian music in Toulos. Oh, no, I don't want.

And it's like, man. Put your faith on hold when you're driving me around. The Cologne in there was so overwhelming. And I just like had my head in my hands the whole ride to work like I'm fucking done like life is not worth living anymore. There's no way. This is what I get like fuck. But man. And it's never you never get the roll of the dice in a good way either where you just have someone who shuts the fuck up just drops you off.

It doesn't say a word like just. I love when an angry Russian pulls up. It looks like Oscar the Grouch. I'm like oh fuck yeah. A guy hiding in a trash can. That's what I want driving me around. yes there's a seatbelt around the can't even talk yeah well arms are coming out the top yeah

my wife has a maybe all women has a permanent jewelry addiction have you seen these I mean I'm well aware of it you're aware of this shit yeah that they're doing they invented a new ways to spend money that's like that the whole QVC bit, right? It's just like a bunch of throwaway fucking bracelets and broches and they can't throw it away because it's permanently attached. She was like, I'm going to go get...

Oh! Me and your sister and your mom are going to go get matching permanent jewelry. Don't you think that's cool? I'm like, no. Obviously, I don't think that's cool. You got to come back with a permanent grill. Yeah, why don't you guys get some diamonds

and some bling in your teeth? How about that? That's permanent, right? That's what we should do. Come back from Paul Walshawf with fucking the most iciest grills known to mankind She goes, I think it's sweet We all we all got matching Permanent jewelry, the bracelet

And like you think it that's You like chains Chain gang basically Yeah, chain gang She goes yeah And I should have seen it coming then And then she was visiting another She was visiting her friend

Right out of town And she comes back She's never gonna get You're never gonna believe this We got matching Permanent Jewelry too like how many of these fucking why do you have three permanent

jewelry's there yeah now I'm getting jacked off by Mr. T because they can never come off it's just like a stack of you get a stack of fucking chains here and they're all crappy because it's like

garbage jewelry you know with the homeboy shopping network jewelry jewelry jewelry jewelry jewelry she's just going to taco shops getting like the quarter fucking That's got that shit off.

I'm sick of it. Well, it's so fucking flimsy you could do it with kitchen scissors. It's like, how the fuck is this permanent? Yeah. Looks like it just pop right off. It's going to get caught on a blanket and rip off. And you're going to go, oh, shit. Oh, shit.

She's like, if it comes off, they said you just come back in and they'll put it back on. Like, yeah, I bet. You're not going within 100 feet of one of those places ever again. Yeah. Don't even think about it. They basically figured out how to monetize the... Stupidity. Oh, no, because like, you know how in, like, school and shit, like,

vicious would be like, oh, these are friendship bracelets. Yeah, exactly. It's like the new, like, how do you charge $100 for one instead of $20? Be on the lookout, gentlemen, for permanent jewelry. Your wife is being, your wife is being advertised to as we speak. Her friends are wanting to get their friendship bracelets. welded to their wrists. And if she does go the permanent jewelry route,

you get a grill. Yeah. Get some bolts in your neck. Oh, get diamond-crusted fucking... That's a Frankenstein. That is actually really fucking sick. So there's this scene in the new GTA. Let me see if I got it here.

Where she goes, like, which dress do you want me to wear tonight? I can't buy a well. Let me pull this up. Uh, and wokeness. No, here it is. Don't close or no. Sure you can. But would they look that good?

There are you okay. You know Brian wants us there for cocktails. Uh-huh. Cocktails. You know what you're going to wear yet? Relax, Jay. Here we go. Which you think?

Which dress? Sequins. Sequins. What even is that word? Sequins. I don't. That. board game people play?

So people are complaining about this scene online, but they don't know how to spell sequence. As if to drive the point home, the men complaining about this scene don't even know how to spell the word sequins. So they're all saying the sequence dress. I realize that I'm the, I'm the gay one. Because I'm like, I would never say sequence.

I would say shiny. And then I go, look online. I was like, fuck, I knew how to spell sequins? What am I? homosexual? Shit. I got longhoused. I didn't even mean to.

Man. It's like when you know too many words, so then you end up being gay like Fraser. Yeah. Mm-hmm. It's exactly like that.

I don't know any of that gay shit. Oh, man. Dolly Parton died. That was a rough one this week. That was a rough one, man. Yeah. No. we don't have

we don't have a lot of great tits left in the world we're losing them one by one pair pair by pair stereo pair at a time man oh it's rough and somehow

I got somehow I got put on uh somehow I got this on my Instagram algorithm where it's recommending me like like uh breast reduction

videos which obviously I mean obviously I click on them but I don't really see what I'm clicking on it's like whoa topless girl and then it's like before and then I go oh and I got to get I got to get away from it real fast right but I don't want to get away too early because I want to see

I want to see a little more I want to see a profile sometimes it'll turn see that's a good ad though but for the wrong thing it's for the wrong thing yeah I don't know why I mean, these tits they have, some are just atrocious, you know, still don't do it, but some are really enormous. Venus fly tits, yeah. What the fuck is this? I'm going to set up a fake breast reduction consulting.

Well, it's like those assholes who sell toe rings on like the fucking boardwalk. Like they just want to. To ring slash breast reductions. That's going to be my, I'm going to set up a shop like the doctor is in like Charlie Brown. Yeah, it's like, oh, You're just a guy who wants to fucking get paid to look at feet all day and like touch the shit. Fucking made.

But, yeah. Dolly Parton died. Everybody's got to queer it up with like her books program. Look at you. She gave all these books to kids. Who gives a fuck? Books don't.

Kid. Oh, books amazing. Wow. That's exactly what I wanted. If there were books that are like, this is why Dolly Parton is the greatest and you will never be? Cool book. Then I have libraries down there.

Do they? have libraries down there? Well, or just Jesus. See, the thing that makes such a good program is by sending kids the books directly,

they don't have to go to the library and deal with all homeless people at the infinite jackoff machines. There are a lot of homeless the library. It just takes one. It just takes one, dude. Just takes one to ruin the library.

Mm-hmm. You want to go in and smell books, not piss. And Optimus Prime died. The voice. The guy. I was like, man, the fucking idea. That's really...

So they was kind of... It's kind of funny, right? They did this... They're doing this apology tour for the Transformers movie because it sucked. Remember? Well, you know, you're too young for that.

It really... It really sucked for us. I bet. Because it was like... It was like the first time where... Obviously, it's to sell toys, the cartoon. But then the movie was like

explicitly this gay, Rodomus Prime toy that they were trying to shove down our throats by killing Optimus Prime in the movie and saying the new leader's Rodomus Prime who's like poochie the dog. He didn't just get up there and say suck my gas pipe and fuck you suck my gas pipe. He raped Optimus Prime in the movie and we're like, what the hell man? Everyone was really, I remember being really excited for that movie at VHS 90 bucks or whatever it was and it came out. God damn, that's right. Shit used to be expensive. Yeah.

90 bucks. It's like, oh, yeah, let's pop this baby in. And then Optimus Prime dies. Oh, what the hell is this shit? For this gay asshole? This fucking, I rock, yeah. Rodamus sucks. He should have been like Rockamas.

Rockamiss. It should have been a Santa Claus. Yeah. Rocksmith. Um, so we're doing like an apology tour, which is kind of, kind of funny, but then the Optimus Prime boys dies, right? So they have all this like merch of a dead Optimus Prime. He actually dies. Ruined it again.

Ruined the apology tour. Because now he's dead in real life. Like, well, this isn't really very funny. Yeah. It's not the same. Wrong application of striking while the iron's hot, I guess. So now they got all this dead merch Like uh

Should you just burn this or what That makes it That almost makes it worth having I know what a prank Buy an effigy of It's just not as funny when you're watching the cartoon Yeah Oh that guy's dead

Oh Rodham's actually killed that guy That's fucking crazy What couldn't the Rodham's prime guy have died Yeah that guy sucks Um you can get nagged by your wife in the game. Here you go. Here you go.

GTA six players will need to learn how to maintain a relationship. According to IGN. The romance between Jason and Lucia is optional. Ignoring each other's messages can negatively affect the relationship. So you're fucking flirting with yourself in the game, like you're texting yourself and you're playing both. This is the most weirdest feminist dev shit. It's so like

Ways to strengthen it Include going shopping Visiting beauty salons What the fuck No thanks Shooting up beauty salons Yeah Shooting up at a beauty salon even

Make it all Make a whole building full of girls scream while you're nodding off In their chair If you're out on your own for most of the day You might get a text from Jason or Lucy Reminding you to lock up the house when you get back late, nagging.

Or letting you know they're going to bed. Oh, man. Everyone's favorite texts. Just good night. Good night. Good night. I'm going to bed. Amazing.

Incredible. I didn't get one of those texts once and I really love. I just panicked and lost. Called the police. Something's happened to my girlfriend. She didn't text me that she's going to fucking bed. It's like, at that point you might as well just go work a real job

and deal with all these real things. The feminist, here's one of the devs said, the feminist urged to say liar every time a man speaks. She said that on Twitter. Jesus. Yeah, pretty extreme. Jeez. Milo got deported. That's funny.

Fill up your car with oh yeah, previous installment. including GTA 5 drew criticism for misogynistic themes and underdeveloped female characters, but the series has evolved and hopes to attract more female gamers to its previously male heavy player base. Is there a quick time event where you can yell at your girlfriend for backing into the curb? Yeah. I just spent 5,000 credits on those fucking rims. You can buy those feelers. The curb feelers? Yeah. That's sick.

Curb feelers on a modern car would go crazy. Man. I love them on old Cadillacs and shit that you know. Like low riders and I'm like, I want to put those on my truck. Fucking three foot long curb feelers. Yeah. This breaks some antennas off and put those on the side.

Milo was deported. Let's see here. This is great. Great news. We have enough. we have enough fat drug-addicted parasites illegal parasites in L.A. We don't need another one.

Thank you. No matter how fabulous they are. Here's... Damn. Jesus. Last time I talked to Milo, he called me on my phone because he was streaming and he thought he was going to trick me

by making me moo. I said, yeah, sure, why don't you make some monkey noises first? Like, I know you like to hear while you're getting ass-fucked, right? Fucking got him. So he did it, and then I said, go fuck yourself, you know. Dude, he fell for the oldest trick in the book.

I know, you do it first. Fucking meth-mouth asshole. How do you not know that one? Man. Idiot. Fucking idiot. Fuck you. You first.

Enjoy him. Enjoy going back to a Muslim. Enjoy going back to Saudi Arabia, UK, Milo. Enjoy it. Enjoy, enjoy the rest of your life back in the Islamic Caliphate of the United Kingdom, where if you say anything out of line, a bunch of white women will try to throw you in prison. And if you do anything out of line, like sodomy and buggery, a bunch of Muslims will throw you off a fucking building. Enjoy it.

Enjoy the trip back. you moron? Maybe you shouldn't have gone to the airport with an expired visa where, you know, pretty much the only thing they do is scan your fucking visa, idiot, dip shit. There's one thing I've learned is don't fuck with documents at the airport.

Yeah. I'm a fucking citizen and I'm not welcome at the airport. Your ass is gone. You should have got, you know, you should have got married settled down with your newfound straightness. Should have married that little penis having whatever she is out in Silver Lake. Had yourself a nice little marriage.

You would have straightened it up. Straighten that shit out. If you're going to be straight and all, get married. Instead, you fucked around. Now you're going home. Went to the airport. And they're going to send you straight to hell. They're going to fucking pound your ass in a way that you don't like.

I was going to say maybe that's why he went. And it's what's really like, What's really just offensive about the Milo reaction are the number of right-wing people who are crying about it. Oh, he was a based fat drug addict homosexual. You can't deport Milo. Like, you morons realize that every single Mexican you want to deport has a bunch of people that care about them. Yeah. Like, do you understand how ugly what you want to do is?

Like, really? it's this time's 100 million whatever you're feeling like this sick addiction to water that you have about this fat homosexual that you don't want deported

there's a hundred million of those feelings spread all over the fucking country nut up yeah all you had to do is say nothing all you had to do is say nothing and your position would be watertight yeah no illegals get them out of here I don't care how much it hurts I don't care how much it costs

All right, we're going to get rid of this fat queer first. Oh, what? All you had to do is say nothing. Yep. All you had to do is say nothing. Airtight. Now it's, oh, you didn't want to support, you didn't want to deport Milo, though. Chalk that one up to the game, you know, don't fucking... Keep your fucking mouth shut.

Yeah. Doesn't even gain you anything, crying about it. You only lose doing that. Oh, so we can deport him, but we can't, yes. Yeah, gone. Gone. Gone. You should be deported, too, for complaining about it. You should be deported, too.

He's a fucking parasite. Fuck him. Fuck him. They may will. He was complaining about Nick Fuentes, too, which you know I hate. Let's see. Free speech. Oh, rest in power.

I don't think I have that link. Adult Swim said rest in power about Optimus Prime dying. Isn't that for black people? Rest in power? Yeah. That's not. He's white as white as can be. what would a black

Optimus Prime look like? Would he have like spinner? Fucking Megatron It's a black Optimus Prime. Oh yeah, because he turns to a gun, right? Oh, right. Yeah, and Star Screams is his wife. Classic,

man. Classic black power couple. Oh, Megatron! You know? Man. I guess we find new things out every day I'll ask Josh Denny for if that's true I think it is he would know yeah he would know he knows these things

rest in power though it's like I don't know was he that like cool like he voiced that like what other things like I just don't like why does it have to have like a chungus twist on it like yeah why do you got a why does dying have to have a chungus twist Like being like a Like a Like a lost Like losing a battle

You know like that Those old fucking jokes and shit too It's just like damn Just let them be They rest in peace RIP honor him Yeah Rest in power

What The Yeah If we're switching it out It could be rest in piss Rest in poop Rest in fucking pizza Rape in power

Yeah okay Thanks for making it weird Restore India please They didn't say that about Dolly Parton though Rest in Parson power? Yeah.

Did they? Damn. I guess they didn't, right? No, they didn't. Do we have to retroactively go back in time and tell everyone that they need to rest in power? Yeah.

God damn, that's going to be a lot of work. Rest in power. A lot of tokens do that. Oh, the happy merchant creator died too. Damn. Those people died. That was a bummer. That one didn't get a lot of media attention, though.

I wonder why. It's just a guy He likes selling things He's having a good day He's just doing the bird man hand rubbed We can't fucking Uh Okay

Here's a Power outage and Oh I just deported a Cuban To the Congo Let me see if I have A man Out of the frying pan

And into the fire Yeah they're doing They're doing deportings Oh Where is it Congo Like dude I'm already in Cuba.

Like, could you just let me be? Fuck. I guess he didn't want to go home. ICE has deported a Cuban immigrant to the Congo. Good luck. Here's the video. Mani, no can't get that building.

No, Juan, official only. There's here, out of course. Wow. It's in a It's in a continent we don't know, another culture There's a lot of violence here. We can't leave. The US never told you you getting sent to Africa?

The US never gave you notice that you were getting sent to Africa. No, I learned after five hours on the plane that we were going to Africa. Five hours? Were you deported because of a criminal record? Did you look around and say, huh, how come everybody on this plane's African? Only a traffic violation he had. Does you think he was like five hours over the Atlantic Ocean going, huh? Or the Pacific Ocean?

Which way do they fly for Africa? We're basically like... No, we're taking you to Africa. Like, oh. Wow, Cuba's a lot further than I remember. That's so funny. Hey, wait a minute. There's a lot of clicks on this plane.

You go bugunggung Buk Nepal Nepal Vietnam Okay Cuba Ecuador

Honduras and Africa and Russia and Russia that's where they're from But none of you are from that country They dropped them off with the batteries

None They're stuck And in Africa and Africa And in Africa And it's a very violent. Oh, no, sorry. He said they're stuck in the building.

We're reading the words. They're stuck. The news anchor keeps saying you're stuck there. The guys is stuck in the building. That's like the reverse of how when they ship homeless people from like all over the country out here. Yeah. Yeah. It's like finally everyone else is like, wait a second.

Wait a minute. Let's ship them to. We're deporting you to the country you don't even belong in. Nobody wants to be there. It's full of, because it's full of Africans. That's actually really fucking funny. It's really funny.

You can escape from Alcatraz. There is a movie about it. Escape from Africa. You can't escape from the Congo. They should run this on the news every night. Hmm. They could kill or arrest us, he's saying. Yeah, bro, it's fucking Africa.

It's a Congo, like one of the most violent places. In the whole world. I guess if we deport enough of them there, they can build a little civilization, though, right? Super Congo. Super Congo. That's even worse. Send them some food carts. They can serve up some dirty dogs.

You're going home. You're out of here. Oh, I'm going back to Cuba? No. No, we're sending you much further. You need a head start. You need a head start for you. That...

Start sending them to South Africa. Yeah, recolonize it. South Africa. South Mexico now? It's a numbers game. It's a numbers game. Deporting one Mexican to the Congo sucks, but deporting a million,

they'll turn it around. Turn back into just L.A. Yeah. We'll have an L.A. and in Africa. The sister city finally. That's always been the dream. Send them some dirty dog carts,

get the cartel involved. Yeah. Send them some Tweedy birds. Give them, get like some of the lowrider artists out here to show them how to like do airbrush stuff. Get like a Tweedy bird. in a dandy suit or something.

Let's just shuffle. Shuffle everybody around. It's like all the Japanese greasers. Yeah. Those guys are cool. Those guys are cool. I want to see what else we can come up with. Okay, let's see.

Here's something about Jeff Bezos. Oh, this one's good. Target, it's racist costume season. It seems like it's earlier every year. Racist Halloween costumes. My culture is not, Or is your costume. Yeah.

It seems like, I don't know how we're still, it's such a, it's, it's such a nightmare for these companies. I don't know how we continually have racist costumes, but it's just an unavoidable defect in the manufacturing logistics, you know, supply industry, I guess. Here's the, here's the first one of the year, the first racist costume of the year. I don't even know why it's racist. they're like what it's got boo in the name it's like a I think that's a black kid says black light reactive

and there's a it's like a clown black light uh does this look racist to you I guess if everyone's saying it is I guess it's a little is this kid black he's got totally white makeup face and white he's only showing his palms they can't really see

here is the here's the quote from target an apology from us we pulled an offensive Halloween costume that should never have been part of our assortment it's no longer for sale as a company we got this wrong and we are deeply sorry we know this is especially hurtful for our black guests team members and partners Removing the costume is an important first step, and the company is looking closely at how this happened and what needs to change to ensure this won't happen again. What is racist about this? And this poor kid is like, awesome.

I get to be in a costume on the cover. Yeah. And then they're like, it's racist. Yeah. Yeah. That sucks. Man, am I just like, am I this out of touch? Is it because of this?

Because it's all blacked out on this one? Oh, it's because he's not reactive? Maybe. I don't see it. Oh. Hmm. I wish there was a store that was just only racist shit. By department.

And then you could, like, as you're walking through the aisles, you see, like, oh, shit, that guy's dressed a lot like me. Like, that would almost be either really unifying or, like, like, racism store. Funnier in a way. Yeah. split by aisles because then you can just see like oh we all enjoy making fun of each other like it's just life

yeah I don't even know what to make fun of with that I'm at a loss for I'm like what if I showed a black person that would they be upset this is what I think of you it's like a kid in a clown makeup yeah it'd be one thing if he had an insanely receding hairline that would be

had at least be some sort of shot fired somewhere uh okay here's a here's a woman dealing with postpartum depression a lot of it going around a lot of it going around

I found out the oh yeah a couple of things I found out that Lacey Clancy Lindsay Clancy Oh yeah She's in a wheelchair Because she jumped out of a window After she strangled their kids

To try to kill herself A two-story window Yeah. On her head, I guess. On my head yet. Yeah. Her husband had to be thinking, you know, deep down, like, what an idiot. Two stories? Fucking idiot. Beyond, like, the anger and the hurt and stuff, he had to be thinking, of course. Of course, fucking idiot. The fact that you could die from a fall of at least six feet. And, like, you got two whole story, a little bit more of a margin?

Yeah. And you fucked that up? Like, God. damn yeah like wow two whole two whole stories you didn't think did you hear a lot about people dying when they fall out of the second story of their house you dumb bitch not really uh okay here's a here's a woman dealing with her postpartum depression i accidentally caught the proof i needed of my healing on video oh she's i think she's there's a video about how she's a great mom My daughter made a mistake. Oh, okay.

So this woman is fiddling around with arts and crafts, filming herself doing God knows what. It says Sidney Baker photography. And if you notice, she left her coffee in the middle of the room. She left on the floor, in the middle of the room. And my daughter, I should have been Yeah, there's your toddler.

I should have been anticipating a blow-up to be yelled. What are you saying? My daughter made a mistake when I was already overstimulated and burnt out. The daughter didn't make a mistake. You put your coffee in the middle of the room.

Yeah, that's on you, dog. That's your fault. You did that. People aren't walking around expecting coffees to be on the fucking floor. Wait till your father gets home. Oh yeah, because he's going to yell at you. He's leaving your fucking coffee in the middle.

First of all, for buying Starbucks coffee anyway, when we've got coffee at home, it's perfectly fine. Two, leaving it in the middle of the room. What, if I had done this as a child, I would have immediately burst into tears apologizing. I would have been anticipating a blow-up to be yelled at. Oh, great. but she remains calm.

The toddler? Oh, she watches me work to regulate my emotions. She knows she has nothing to fear, and that no matter how frustrated I am, I will always do my best to handle things. So little girl is standing here, like, terrified, like not knowing if mom's going to have a gigantic tantrum, right, while she's revving up her super bitch,

Sion, say and, powers. Like, can you imagine if you did that to a woman? Every time they do. You know? It's like fucking. Fucking psycho. Like, this kid is going to grow up hating people.

Leaving the mess on the floor. She hasn't even cleaned up the mess yet. Get your ass into the kid. Grab a towel. If you come back with one paper towel, I'm going to punch you in the mouth. Go get a towel from the bathroom. That's what I would say to the woman, not the child. Do my best.

She waits for instructions. And once I finish, do you know. Class, really aren't. Women, they're posting this stuff. They're posting their stuff like they're doing a good job. Yeah, look at what a great mama I am. I'm only forcing my kid to watch me, like, show them that I could. Oh, a race car in the red.

I'm a TNT-Lang motherfucker. You think Starbucks coffee? grows on trees, that costs your father good money. For you to just walk around, kicking your feet anywhere. Your father is going to beat the shit up. Your father's going to be very upset. You're right. They got nine women on the Lindsay Clancy trial.

I think it's over and they're, you know, obviously they haven't. Obviously it's very confusing for them. Because on the one hand, she's murdered her kids. but on the other hand, they all have a case of the Mondays, you know? Right. On the other hand,

they're not being, you know, valued for their true worth at home, and they got to take that out on somebody. Somebody's got to recognize that these nine women are not appreciated. Yeah. For the girl boss, bitch.

They are. Right? That's got to go somewhere. Imagine being the three men in that room, in that jury room right now. Lunch break, They're just like, mm-hmm,

I can cry. It's like, they're still deciding what to have for lunch. I heard day three. Yeah, the guys was like,

anything. Eat the shitty sandwiches from the fucking jury duty cart. Yeah. It's funny, though, because if they say that she's hormonal,

like, and she's not a murderer for killing the kids. Yeah. Because of his undetectable, unverifiable, a nebulous,

condition doesn't that apply to like all of them? Yeah I know that's not how it will work they'll just say like yeah well whatever you know well for all the other times everyone's been like well you're just being hormonal

like no I'm not I murdered my kid like I was just being hormonal like oh okay this is yeah speaking of kids it would be great if we lived in that world you'd say oh okay so you guys are You guys are legally

not, you guys are legally immune to accountability then, you're saying. All right. I guess we shouldn't, you can't have credit cards then, obviously. Right. Obviously. A business choice.

Let's start there. Let's start there and see what else involves accountability that you're no longer illegally required to answer to. All right. Lindsay, oh yeah, then there was this report. reporter. This psycho reporter from the Lindsay Clancy stuff.

There we go. This is a reporter at Lindsay Clancy trial sparks backlash for winking at the camera. They're really having like, they're really putting on a pageant at this trial. America's worst women. Lindsay Clancy reporter, yeah, here. Here we go. Oh, come on, ads. Skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip. Oh, come on. Here it is.

Accused killer mom trial. Lindsay Clancy, and there's this idiot smiling at the camera and winking. Vanity Fair reporter Brittany Romano in a green dress appears to smile and wink. during Clancy's trial proceedings on Monday. Oh, it was a friend of Lindsay Clancy's? Wow.

I got that little voice in their ear. Your husband's not, he's not listening to your knee. It's ha da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. The case has been so horrifying that at least one prospective juror fled the courtroom in tears before the trial even started. Is that a good sign? Romano was later asked about her odd reaction, claimed she was in court because she grew up with Clancy.

Then she posted this insane, insane breakdown. I'll just load that. It's Rudy Romano, and everyone really seems to have an issue with me. And here's the thing that we need all straighten out. Last week I walked back in with spinach in my teeth. So when I was late after having to deal with the Luigi-Manjone crisis, I love how everyone's really giving preconceived notions. But yet, you're sitting in what, your living rooms, giving X, Y, and Z.

If you were in that courtroom every single day, I would love to know what your thoughts are. But this little bitch, El Parenthood, yes, my name is, yes, my name is Brinder Mouth, please don't know it felt wrong. I've older brother, Justin, J-U-S-T-Y-N, a little brother named Nick. And here's the thing. This is a reporter. This is someone who packages information in a way that's easy to digest. Total retard.

Just incomprehensible gibberish. Made a lawyer. And every single thing that you've been saying has been screenshoted. So maybe look in on the repercussions of what you're saying. Brittany Romano with Vanity Fair. That's going to be all the GTA devs in about in three months. They've had 10 years to work on their woke or toxic gamer, toxic male gamer speeches.

So there's going to be some bangers. I really hope there is. You can't rush it, you know? You don't want to be the one that jumped the gun. But there's going to be a moment where it's just the perfect, for one of them to post their monologue about the toxicity in video games, male gamers.

I wish this was all like a big like, oh, here's the reveal. So everyone complains about it. And then it's like, ah, just kidding. You can like waterboard people in this and like pull their fingernails off. Like that would be a good way to save it all. But like the more I'm learning about this,

it's like, that's really. I mean, you can't expect much from AAA games these days, I guess. No. I guess not. Okay, let's read some comments. You don't read Manny's story, too. Oh, yeah. You're going to get to that.

Okay, Antoids. Have you had sex with your wife in the past year? If so, you're gay. They found that male DNA, they found male DNA in women who had given birth to sons. Oh, really? Wow I guess I'm gay then Then who are you gay

Wow Women got all kinds of DNA Yeah Going around in them What even are they Monsters Bridget Gonzales says

The whole Lindsay Clancy thing Is another opportunity For women to play Chick Jeopardy Yeah make it about themselves Yeah no kidding Oh hey buddy Hi Here he is

Did you know you have male DNA in you now? Because of him? Yeah, gross, right Data says I need Aquaman to call in again And try to explain something else to us That would be fun Dude, Aquaman explains

Is a great segment Because Sometimes you got to throw a guy A lifeline when he's drowning Man, six minutes Six minutes I don't know what we got to got out of that.

We got we got Aquaman Abba Zaba says hey callers you can delete and retry your voicemails I don't think a retry is going to help Not for Aquaman In my In my experience

The old delete and retry Just really gives you the same Either the same or worse Yeah you never get any better Never gets any better Just leave it Just leave it Can Crusher. It says, you'll like this.

All right. Let's see here. You'll like this. A man, a man says he was voluntarily paying his child's mother $300 a week, but after asking for two months to get back on his feet financially, she filed for child support, and the court ultimately ordered him to pay $13 a month. they can order that low

is that real 1349 I could only give her 150 yeah okay well yeah good for you this is payable to Sheniqua Nichols

hmm huh great good for good for her good for everyone involved uh pale penis says vote up

cute shit. All right. What do you got here? Pale penis. This is... Oh, Lake Ontario is renamed to Lake America. Yeah. Name them all Lake America.

Yeah. Lake America one, Lake America two. Or just all one giant lake. Fucking dig the canals. I mean, it's gay, but it pisses... It does upset people. I don't know how it still works, but it does still work. This is the name, man.

We know what you're talking about. Yeah. I don't know. Actually, he's probably more confusing. Like, why is that one is named, Ontario is now named Lake America. Okay. Yeah, sure. Chad Clah Clamhammer says,

uh, I'm tired of being single, he says. Oh, no, it's this. A woman screaming at a man for 30 seconds. This is the GTA 6 preview. What we're seeing right here. Woman shrieking, screaming. Somehow I know what she's talking about. You know, not the specifics, but...

Yeah. I know directionally what she's talking about. You can tell he's also not giving a fuck. Yeah. Oh, yeah. All right. Standing up and walking around and shit now? Yeah, he took some steps yesterday. Just a couple. Let's do it. The Dick Show presents an erotic story from a real man.

From a real manny. From a real manny. An erotic story is from a... It's entitled My First White Girl. By Juan Mills. Mannie stealing sandwiches not paying child support my first white girl

the year is 2015 and I've just gotten the keys to my new place a single room in a one bathroom a six bedroom city apartment oh wow it's like an al-Qaeda training facility

I know two of my new roommates the other two are strangers and the last room's unoccupied. Depending on how much stuff I can move today, I'll either spend the night in this new apartment or back on my friend's couch. None of that matters right now, though, because I also have a date lined up tonight

with a Tinder match who's excited that I'm finally back in her neck of the woods. This is the story of my first white girl. We meet in front of a red lobster. Well, she's a fat. White girl. Manny's the one, this is what drove him out of business, this date.

He took fucking Moby Dick to the Red Lobster, filled her up with shrimp, bottomless pit. And the first thing I notice is that she's a little chubby than the nudes, than the nudes she sent me. B cups slightly under 200 pounds. Shubby. A little bit fluffier than the nudes she sent me. I guess I can live with this. The date doesn't go particularly well.

but we've both had enough watered-down margaritas to make coming back to my place seem like a good idea. She follows me into a room that contains several trash bags full of clothes and one uninflated air mattress. How can he tell the difference between the girl and all this other stuff? The trash bags? Uh-oh, let me just get it in. Uh-oh, that's a trash bag.

Uh-oh, that's an uninflated air mattress. Uh-oh, that's the trash bag again. It's fucking a couch. I know one of my new roommates is also sleeping on an air mattress So I knock on his door and ask to borrow his pump She makes a comment that he deems racist And I already feel tomorrow's hangover setting in While she explains to him

That's impossible because she's She has a half black son at home My roommate's pump was not compatible with my air mattress Come on, manny, can't you What's the term? He's not so handy, manny. Jerry rig it, although I have heard A lot of variation

Yeah You can't I'm sure You can't rig that It fucking puts air out What do you mean it's not compatible The connection was visibly loose And the awkward tension in my barren room

Was getting more and more palpable What if I wrap a shirt around it Yeah You're gonna be dealing You better figure it out because you gotta put it in her next. It's going to be just as losing. You have the same problem.

It sucks. After 15 minutes I gave up. Mani. My date... Can't inflate a fucking air mattress? My date had made it this far. Even though my bed had less

than half full. It could still provide just enough cushioning for the pipe I was about to lay down. Our bed's rated for this? He's like 500 pounds. Man, he's not fat,

but he's not small. And he's going to be hammering, who, pipe, ooh. You need a caterpillar turbine to fucking keep that thing inflated if that motherfucker's laying on a goddamn. What are you inflating it with? He needs like a bounce house.

Yeah, man. You need that thing that firemen have jumping off roofs. Yeah. First, I had to try to salvage the mood with some cunolingus. After a fish

All you can eat fish You're going down on this white bitch This racist white bitch you just meant He wanted seconds My technique proved ineffectual On the match On the mattress Constantly shifting terrain

Tokyo drifting all around the room Yeah because she's sunk in So you're like And eye to eye with her womanhood for the first time. I realized I may have over-promised in some of the messages we had in exchange prior. It was time to unleash a special technique

that I had only used with one girl prior. I licked her asshole. Bro. You licked a fat woman's ass, it turns out. This strange woman was not as clean back there as my favorite ex before her. Slim bee cups.

They're not wiping at 200 pounds, Manny. I can't really. If you have to throw your arm back to try and wipe, you're not wiping. It turns out that she did not appreciate the surprise. After a brief interrogation regarding what the fuck was wrong with me and subsequent apology, we mutually agreed that I was done eating her out for the night. At this point, it was obvious that unless the penetrative sex was phenomenal, we would never see each other again.

And neither of us had high expectations in the moment. Before we could get to the final trial, however, it was her turn to reciprocate. God. She looks at your asshole? For what it was worth, she was as bad at giving head as I was that night. Her only saving grace was refusing to shy away when I warned her that I was about to come and allowing me to finish in her mouth. She swallowed with a dynamic, dramatic gulp and instantly came up for a kiss. mental alarm started ringing off in my head,

but I was too slow to react. As we kissed, it became obvious that the gulp was fake, and she was using her tongue to push my own come back into my mouth. I instantly sobered up, retching and spitting as much as I could onto the corner of my mostly deflated air mattress. She had accomplished two completely unnecessary goals with that snowball. Revenge for my...

unrequested analingis, unnecessary because her dirty ass was revenge enough, to a rage boost for the punishing penile pounding that would make this entire ordeal worthwhile. Penal pounding just came. What are you doing?

You gas station pills, man? These are the Rhino 9,000? Yeah. Unnecessary because I was still eager to satisfy my first white woman. Oh, this was your first white woman. Jesus. It's first white whale, man. Oh, with the power of youth and sheer force of will,

I regained enough of an erection to get the job done. Unfortunately, the job in this case was barely insertion. She had enough room down there to give birth to another half-black baby with me still inside. Regardless, I gave up my all, and after a tenth of the time I spent trying to fill the mattress we were lying on, I gave up and quit. She insisted that she would be okay, just cuddling for the rest of the night, and I let her know that, But before I did that, I would have to buy some cigarettes in order to get the taste of myself out of my mouth. Oh, God. I did not smoke at the time.

Instead, I left her alone amongst a pile of laundry-filled trash bags and spent the rest of the night at my friend's house, where I still had a couch to sleep on. She was gone by the time I returned in the morning. My favorite hoodie was also missing. Was it tight on her? I planned on taking this story to the grave with me. It was easily the worst sexual encounter I've ever had. But as a continuation in my recent wave of misfortune, my secret has been unearthed. While listening to a recent episode of The Biggest Problem, I hear Vito mention my name,

Mani Muskets, didn't he eat cum? I have no clue how Vito heard this tale, but it is true. I know that's what happened here. Somehow he discovered that I had tasted my own seed. And while eating cum is near a fictional exaggeration of the events described, it is one that I'm willing to grant a comedic genius with Vito's storytelling talent. I hope that one day most importantist or we like art can achieve the podcasting heights of projects like the Corn Boys or Rustic Study Hall.

Vito has best to me once again. Thank you. Go fuck yourself. Oh, that's horrible, man. You've been listening to erotic stories from real men. brought to you by The Dick Show. And you bailed. Everything about this is like the real readings of Aquan Mills book. I truly think you could give that guy a run for his money.

I got to go. I got to go. That was fun and all. I got to go. That. You didn't just stay here. I'm going to go sleep somewhere else. Flat mattress and garbage bags.

He's done it again. A masterpiece. Is that in GTA6? I think that's like the last book in a series of misfortune events. Let me sneak it? Yeah. Yeah, probably.

Oh, God. All right. That's the show, everybody. Patreon.com slash, unless you want to read these news. I can't read. I can picture the trash bags. she should have just walked out with him

it looks like he could have just thrown up in one of the trash bags and those air mattresses are so bad you'd be better off with a bicycle pump yeah just leave the pump on yeah it's like a hand fan from fucking fore imprint or something like what's the fuck is this you're like a fucking boomerang if you're trying to lay on top of someone on those air mattresses because they're caved in

No matter what, even if they're small. If you have an air mattress, your ass is touching the ground, your elbows are touching the ground. Yeah, yeah. And nothing, it's not comfortable. Nothing is suspended. No, you try and roll one way or the other,

shoulder on the ground. Fuck it, it's just you're always... Oh, shoulder on the ground is the worst. The worst. I don't even know. I found out about trifold mattresses. Like... Oh, those are great.

Dude. They're... They're, I was always on air mattresses, always fucking at my back, going to Tri-Fle. Camping, going to festivals. And then I just saw, I saw someone with a mattress. I'm like, how the fuck did you get this mattress here? He's like, oh, it's a trifold.

You just fold it. Velcro handle, fucking walk. Yeah. That thing's amazing. No setup time. I don't know why there's, I don't know why air mattresses even exist. Dude, it's fucking big fan trying to sell us shit. It's big C battery.

They want to keep, they got to keep moving those C batteries. 20D energize. That's what they're trying to make us buy again. Yeah. All right. Hey, Dick. I wanted to leave this voice sale for a while, but I kept forgetting, so I'm a little rusty on the details. But I'm a friend who told me this story.

He calls the Mexican border shooter. Yeah, so basically he went to a tortoise shooter, and while he was shooting, he looks underneath, and there was this, like, like, event horizons of, of shit, like coming out of the shitter. It was like so piled up. It was like peaking out of the toilet. I breached the surface. And so he shits in it. Yeah.

And he's wondering like, damn, like, where is this all going? And like, I don't know. I think somehow he found out like where all the shit underneath goes. It reminds me of your house a bit. Anyway, he finds like a mountain of shit. and yeah I'm gonna sure I mentioned this in the beginning I think he said it was like a Mexican area or whatever sure but anyway so like you know he could be anywhere these is shit um in a toilet

shitter and like apparently he didn't see a single piece of toilet paper like not not one is he spalunking that was like the question story I'm not I'm not saying it really well I can I can ask him to call in and not saying it really well is very you're being generous is this Aquaman's brother Mexican Aquaman Shitter man So there is a big pile of poop in the toilet

In Mexico And there was no toilet paper Is that Do you usually see a bunch of toilet paper And piles of poop? Yeah you're supposed to make a little bed for each one Like you're giving birth, right? Oh, okay

this guy's poking it with a stick this guy's eating it he's like these weirdos aren't even using toilet paper while he's digging through their shit well for him it's like a spring roll right if he can roll fucking it's easy what

keeps getting all over his hands another three-minuteer oh is this Aquaman no it's not Aquamanca hey I could use some advice I think we all could use some advice when you're talking to a girl and she asks, do you want to see a TikTok I made?

How do we deflect from that? We need a playbook for this. There has to be a strategy ready to talk about. Sometimes in the moment. This guy needs advice. You get asked, do you want to see an Instagram reel I made? Call lying. You either have the Riz or you don't at that moment

and you can angle it away. You can't think about. Riz. He's just lying. Encourage me to keep doing that and give her validation. Yeah. I don't want to see that.

Whatever she made, I don't want to see it. Women shouldn't be a lot. Well, yeah, obviously you don't want to see it. What are you telling me that for? They should not be perceived by other men. If I'm talking to her, I don't want other men to perceive her at all. She should be

safely out of the gaze of any competition. Put her in a burqa. Either not existing or chained up in the basement to the radiator. Not wearing shoes. Whatever it is. Not able to read.

I don't want her being. online and I don't want to see it. I'm not making it. I'm not making an Instagram. Delete it. Say, delete this instant. Delete it this instant. But you can't say no. You don't know how to use Grockbot to make a fake server for her to upload into the void.

Don't interpret that. Say delete it. I insist that you delete your TikTok right now, right this moment. Why would I do it now? The only time I want to see a woman online is if she's got her kitties out. That's it. I think we can all agree on that. I don't see that either.

The right move has to be a deflection. You have to change it around and moving into something else. And that's what we need a playbook for. You have to have something on hand. This guy's asking for advice and goes on a rant. Your phone should have, I mean, your phone should already supply the answer. Like mine does now.

When I respond to my wife, it's like, I have to de-gay it. It says like, I'd love to see it, exclamation point. I'm out if you're drowning. I'm fighting to say, okay. the water. Thumbs up, I shouldn't be

drowning. I love the thumbs up. It's like, fuck you. You can be fighting the water and fighting the current like a fish. Oh,

see, here comes, Ackleman's brother. Like pussy water and get these bitches and to do that there has to be an opening playbook.

What can that be? You've got to have a move. You know, just say yes. Yeah. Who don't have Riz on demand. You don't need Riz

to lie about a stupid. I have to get this. I have to get this. similar conversation with children when they come up to you and say hey look at this picture i drew johnny have you ever fucked women can you help someone has to be able to help say you look fat in your video that you sent you look fatter than into my into my basement i need her there don't say that part i'm drowning you are drowning all you're going to do is say yes man yeah pretty good it's real easy this guy needs to playbook to say yes

You don't need every interaction with women doesn't need to be like Results in you know Having sex with them Yeah Sometimes it's just something you get through Sometimes it's buzz off It's like work You're putting in the work

That paying all this money to have to work in my video game as well It's like They don't know they're just doing it They're not making a TikTok for any kind of reason Yeah just like something to do you should be ashamed of yourself for not creating something you're putting in you're putting in too much work already thinking about it yeah this guy cares about women you want to see my tic-tok yeah just say the opposite of whatever you're thinking you want to see my tic-tok yeah what did you think that was great it's awesome thought it wasn't stupid at all fucking sick yeah it's cool i wish i made it it's that easy everybody That easy. That easy.

Don't use too many words. Just say... Yeah, you start saying too many words, and then everyone realizes how stupid you are. Do you think it was good? Yeah. It's great. Great.

Thumbs up emoji. I wish there was two. I wish I could watch it twice. Why don't you spend your whole day making TikTok videos? My TikTok's broken. I can't. Oh, yeah, you got to send it to me on my account that works. That one doesn't work either.

It doesn't work. It doesn't work for me. I got that brick app, except for Chinese apps. Yeah. Doesn't work on my phone. Yeah. I have a productivity app because I'm a hustler. It's called the Do Not. It's called Airplane Mode.

My airplane mode is on. I can't. I can't look at your TikTok. I was banned from TikTok for messaging nine-year-old girls. That's what you say. You'll never get asked again. Do you not want to be asked to look at the fucking TikTok? Is that what? Because you can easily have that. Yeah, this girl's begging for

a woman's attention and she's like, hey, get involved with something I'm doing. Do you like this? What you got to do is give it up. Give up women go play video games where a woman could bother you

about her TikTok in a fucking virtual video game. Did you look at my TikTok yet? Can we go to the shopping store? And buy some funny logo clothing. Look, it's not the same logos in this world. It's called like, uh,

baddies or something. Fold your phone in half simulator. Yeah. See, I can't look at your TikTok. My phone's broken. Yeah, I violently folded it in half hot dog style because you asked me too many times. Just right now I did it.

The dick show what makes me rage is, I bet women have been the same throughout all of history. Like, if that swim Roman legionaire got back from Gaul, and he was sitting there at the dinner table, and he was like, baby, this spear has saved my life so many times. I once had a duel with a Golic soldier who was three feet taller than me, punctured him right in the neck. This spear saved my life, and she's just like, yeah, huh? Yeah, that's nice, dear.

He's like, I should even fucking listen to me. He's got no appreciation. What was he talking about? this guy's fucking Roddy Dangerfield over here no respect he's got no wife his wife

him and his wife got divorced remember he's a divorced dad oh is that this guy yeah oh yeah he got really into guitar

oh that sounds like your average guitar guy hey Dick you Johnny about those race check boxes on every form

I think you guys talked about last episode yeah funny story I was working for a tech company a few years before COVID. So I was there for a few years. Then I was up for a promotion to be a manager right around the time of the George Floyd riots or so.

And to make me a manager, the company had to open up the position to what they called the diverse slate. So they couldn't just promote me. They had to like compare me against at least one or two. candidates that were not white or Asian or male, basically. So any woman of any race or any non-aging non-white too, all right? Let me preface this by saying that I am half Mexican. So on any box, the box for white, it always says white, non-Mexican, non-Hispanic. So I can't check it because, you know, technically, you know, I'm just like you, half Mexican. So I always check,

check biracial, Hispanic, whatever. And when I started at this job, I checked that box as well. So it turns out that I get the promotion. And later on, when I talked with my boss about how the process went down, told me that him and the director were squaring up to like really push my case against the diverse panel that they were supposed to have. But turns out when HR was looking at my forms and they saw, hey, if you checked the box, they said, yeah, you can just promote him.

You don't have to, you don't have to look for diverse candidates or anything. I got a white last name. Oh, he's Mexican. Technically, I'm half Mexican. What are we doing? And that was enough to, like, bypass the whole GEI initiative and get promoted. So, yeah, always, if you can claim it, man, even if you can't claim it, and just check the box.

Yeah, who would you to tell me? wait a minute why do we put together this whole panel he was already Mexican yeah we didn't have to go back and fabricate that he was Mexican he's already is we lined up

all of our other races here got a bunch of women involved and he was already you're telling me he's already Mexican you just wasted all of our time wasted all of our time you know how long it took me to dig up these minorities

and women for this promotion you just wasted all of my time he's already Mexican damn it? Me going through life, filling out forms as I'm black and Chinese. Hmm. We got some of the most Chinese people we could find. It's crazy.

Yeah. As a kid, I was like, there's no way they're keeping track of all this. Oh, they're keeping track. Yeah. So I was just like was being, you know, whatever mood I was in that day. I would just choose one fucking ever. Yeah. God damn it.

Fly. Uh Okay Another Three minute He's left He's out autistic No one like you

You wonder why I'm telling me Bro, I think you're autistic This is Holy shit Great call Great call Hey Hey Johnny

See a lot of your fans call And they have a lot of problems right? but none of them calling with solutions, so I'm calling with a couple solutions that I found worked very well for me, maybe it'll work for your guys out here. Recently, I had a new position in my job. I've been moving from blue collar,

the more white collided into the office, and I don't know too much about offices and sales and stuff, so I'm very fucking nervous about it. You know what I did? I started MK altering myself with Limp Biscuit albums at the same time as I watched repetitive Billy Maysad. It's just a loop for hours, right?

I've become the greatest salesman in my fucking office. I didn't make me more money than I ever made in my life. At first, I was so worried out of it. I was anxious that I was getting ready to quit. I didn't know if I'd take on the office, but I got my fucking head in gear. I figured out exactly which album it was I needed to listen to, which, by the way, it's not chocolate starfish.

It's the truth, or whatever that whole thing is. It's a real political one, you know, when they tried to be raged against the machine for a second. That one actually gets me going. It gets me a little angry, you know, it's part of like, I feel like they have more talent than they were putting into that album. But either way, it's enough drive to get me in my work, and those Billy Mays ads gives me enough

fucking energy that I want to sing at somebody and sell them everything I fucking have. Anyways, I hope your fans will actually listen to this advice Instead of just crying and calling you over and over again Bye Dude, he fucking fits so much information Short amount of time I actually believe him

That could have been like a 10 minute voicemail For a lesser man that would have been But for Billy Bays Jr. right here Hell yeah, I'm quite proud of you Here's a news story that I had This guy was run This guy started a veterans museum Abbo Deely is a Vietnam

War veteran He's been the curator of the Arizona Military Museum in Phoenix for the last 40 years But he was forced to step down Because he said Eventually they will replace me With some gay black woman

Woke Jew Who will ruin the place He said that on a tour You used profanity on his tour This sounds like an awesome museum Yeah. All Americans are stupid. He told the members of the tour group that they knew nothing about Vietnam because they were too young, brainwashed, stupid.

Duped, uneducated, or uncaring? Shortly after, what else did he say? They kicked him out. Dang, that's too bad. And he claimed that a mannequin of a soldier with his hand on his hip was meant to represent gay soldiers. So he's going around this museum Telling everyone like that's not real That's not real

This is what we should care of like He's doing the right thing because he was there Yeah he made the museum I think I mean he was definitely part of what Went into it absolutely That's too bad that sounds like a fun tour And one you would actually learn from

And then retain the info on Yeah 80 year old Vietnam veteran Cursing all over the the place, dropping slurs. I would have donated to it had I known, but now that he's not there, now that they're going to replace him.

With that. Yeah, with the very thing he said they were going to. Gay, black woman woke Jew. Who will ruin the place? Ruin his museum. Man. No one wants their museum ruined.

All right. Let's do that. Oh, shit. Oh. You don't It's so funny. I send these in and forget what's in there on the drive over. So first of we got Gordon Lightlofer. All right. And definitely get the audio for this one.

Okay. It's like an old guy with a popcorn bucket. I may be the only man who is actually seen the vagina monologues and six, the only straight man who has seen the vagina monologues and six. But you are a little light in your loafers, you know, because... I think that's my... Cat. Weatherby. I may be the only man. This guy's wife calling him gay.

Is he gay? He seems a little gay. What do you mean, is he? For sure, it is. But, man. He's the only straight man that's seen what movies did he say? I think vagina monologue is six. Six?

What the hell is that? Beats the fuck out of me, but... Maybe it's one of those movies that only gay people have heard of. That would explain why we haven't? Yeah. All right Unta parent Yeah

Oh fat Already Man I'm going crazy To ta ta ta ta This is who manny was fucking There's a big fat white woman With tattoos on her neck

We're wearing like a jersey Yeah like a Raiders jersey Rater's jersey lip singing hip-hop song is a half black kid in the back, sleeping. I truly think, like,

to watch this segment that might be hers. Is this Mandy's tender date? But she... It's like, why do you got your kid in the back? Why you got this? Like, everything...

Why put the kid in this video? That's what I'm saying. It's just, it's all bad. So she's an unfit parent and she's also unfit as a parent. This is wing stop. Okay, it's two black women. This is what we were expecting.

I even made sure I hit him beforehand to make sure there was a bathroom on the bus and he insured me it was. So this is a wing trip. Kind of like going wine tasting, you're going wing tasting? Figure it out. You were supposed to have all of that figured out

before we even got here. What is that? supposed to be one or two more pickup. So we figure Mario should be cool for the trip without a bathroom on the bus. But once the trip progressed, we saw not having a bathroom was the least of our worries. There's no wind of our worries. There was no water on the bus. Hell, my little brother ended up being the DJ.

Oh my God. It's a wing-tasting bus. Look, they're taking shots on the bus. And they got no bathroom. And they got no bathroom. On that tiny bus. After just eating vinegar fucking hot wings all day. Yeah, we was on a bus with the scammer.

This nigga even drank all of our alcohol. He didn't put in alcohol. Is that how they said? Blake was so lit. At one point, he was gyrating in women's faces on the bus. Before we even got off the bus, he changed the departure time. He even joked that he wasn't coming back with us. And not a wing.

ticket was given. We had to buy our own wings, y'all. This was a mess. What the hell is it? Yeah. It's finest. We had fun so they fell for these AI generated flyers. And just like he said, he did not come back. He stopped

answering calls. The bus driver disappeared? Yeah. I was just happy that the bus was here and we still waited about 20 minutes for Captain Blake to show up. Only four more hours till I'm home or so up. thought.

I don't know if y'all can see it, but our bus is a small. The bus caught on fire? Wow. Man. You don't want to go here. This is Black Girl TV 1. Yeah, the other.

Other one was taken. Black Girl TV 1. Oh, is that it? That was it. So in this last clip is this guy's bugging. This is a proper bugger. out. Oh yeah.

There's a homeless guy. Yeah. He's screaming. Man. Trying to rip his face off. Trying to rip his own head off. Yeah. And where is this?

It's in L.A., obviously. I've seen so many people like this when I put posters up and I just laugh at it. Yeah. It's sick to laugh at, I'm sure. And what else are you going to do? Yeah, he's getting his ass whooped by a don't cross the street sign. He's like Fight Club. Yeah.

Look at it. Like he walks past it and then just fucking loses it. He was talking to him in code. Is he trying to pull his teeth out? I think so. With my luck, it's always like, that's always right when I'm at the stoplight. I see this shit happening.

I'm like, well, I can't sit here and watch those because then they're going to observe me. Yeah. Yeah, you don't want to be sucked in. I don't want it to run this red light and get T-Boh over some asshole going to can of it. Like, how does it happen? It's like going to a comedy show. You don't want to like, you don't want them to notice you because they don't make fun of you. Just like with bums.

Just like with bums, man. You don't want to look away like, ha-ha-ha-ha. Once they recognize you're an entity in their world, it's game over for you. Yeah. You're in trouble. All right. Is that it? That was it.

Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's it. All right. See you guys. See everybody.