Episode 522 - Dick on Cuck Theft Auto
00:00Something had to have happened.Oh, damn if I know what it was, though.You know?Was it something?Was it good?Wasn't good.Nothing good happens.Either great things happen?
00:18Or horrible things happen.Oh, horrible things happen.Oh, no.Yeah, I hear some horrible things happening upstairs.A mighty wind is a blowing.Everyone get your wife in.What is it?An IED.
00:34Is it playing?Yeah.Okay.IUD, which is the one that stops pregnancy?IEDs.IED?Yeah.Well, they both stop pregnancy, I guess.
00:48You can hear the sounds and one prevents it.I guess both prevent it.But, yeah.Wage gaped again.Dude.Getting spark plug gapped over here.Why do I even try?My wife's the one that tries.
01:06she hits girls up.Obviously, I can't do it.Hey, baby. Come on my show.Hey, baby.What is the deal?Do you know?Any, any idea?I mean,
01:25I think,here's what I think is wrong with women.Oh, you figured out.Acutely, acutely.This is what wrong with them in this instance.is that they're worried they knowthey know that any time they leave the housethere's a chance they're getting fucked
01:42that's whatthat's what is in the backthat's the monster at the end of their bookwomenthe chance that they mightI'm not sayinglook I'm not saying that's what's happeningI'm not saying that that is what was going to happen
01:59but the reason they are so unreliablea major one and the reason why they don't want to doanything or orshow up anywhere is because in the back of their minds, they know, even going to the store,buying, you know, walking the dog, anything, absolutely anything, they know in the back oftheir mind that there's a chance, they walk out that door, get out of bed, but they're gettingfucked. Dude, my wallet lives in that same fear. Keep it at home. I don't take my wallet outanymore. Just leave it in home.
02:35You want to split the check?I don't have my wallet. How could I do that?Second, I leave the house with my walletin pocket? It's getting fucked.We are losing money.That's what drivesthem. That's what drives the wage gap.Is this
02:51fear they have. They know.It's a certainty. It's an oddsgame. It's an odds game.If they go to the movieswith you, if they go out to dinner,if they go to make a couple hundred bucks driving across town and reading off a piece of paper for an hourany number of things they go to the store they go to the bank there's a chance one of those timesthey're coming back fucked and they hate that they do not want that's the last thing they want
03:20okay wage-gapped fucking wage-gapped I'm over here feeling like uhCuck Theft Auto.Oh, where some fat lady texts you in the game the whole time?I swear.Man, they have some really cool features for Cuck Theft Auto 6.Grand Theft Cuck 6.Cuck Edition.Cuck, Cuck, Cuck Auto.
03:52Cuck, Cuck, Cuck.Online.Six, yeah.Six, yeah.Cuc, Cuck, Cuck.Six.Cuck, six.there has to be a certain point
04:03for realism where you just goyou know what I'd rather just godo all this shit actuallyyou have to get gasI would rather just actually go get gasyeah I'm just gonna go get gasevery car you get in in the gameis at empty
04:19and your and your bitch wifein the game says why didn't you fill this up last nightnow I have to fill it up on the way to Pilatesand I'm gonna be latethey've fused the real world and the fake world together now.Your wife can text the Lucia girl in the game,and the game will text you your wife's texts messages.Isn't that wonderful?
04:47Isn't that a great development while you're getting gas?Do you have to get gas for a fake bitch and a real bitch?There's multiple bitches.You have to get fake gas.You have to get fakeYou can't mix them upSay honey I got you some fake gasI don't want fake gas
05:04This isn't a video gameAnd then the video game is texting you thatIn the gameThe fat assThe fat titless Latina girl bossCocking a shotgunWho is that game for?I truly don't know
05:19I really don't knowIt's forVideo games are likeSome girls will play them withUsually girls will play them with youBecause they get to boss you aroundYou knowYou're the game bitch then
05:28and it's like under the guise of helping.Right.They get to experience that in video games,whereas we get to experience that all day, every day with them.Right.Close the refrigerator.See, they...You're letting all the cold air out.
05:45They get to do that in the context of games only.And we tolerate it.It's enjoyable.Tolerate it.But to be honest,I'd rather just be playing by myself.YeahRockstar
06:01For someFor some insane reasonThought that I want to be playingVideo Games with my wifeThat that's the preferred way to play themAnd it is notThat is a tolerated way to play themI wanted to be like beam NG
06:19Where you can justLike that car physics simulatorAnd I just want to launch myself off cliffsEndlesslyThat's the one I want to playYeahIsn't that great?That's the last bit of escapism.
06:35You can probably...You can...There is no escape.There is no escape.You have to pick your genderand your relationship statuswhen you sign into the gameand then you can play on nightmare mode.
06:45It asks you how long you've been married.It's like, ooh, wow.She's gonna be...Lucy is going to be real bitchyfor your game.Real fucking bitchy.She starts shitting with the door open.You hit five plus years.
07:09Whoa!Turn the fan on before you faint.You run out of tampons in game for yourself.Right.Your wife never runs out of tampons in the video game.You do.You have to go to the tampon dispensary when you're getting gas for your fucking car that has flock on it.There's flock cameras all over the game now, so you can't escape the police.
07:33If they're trying to modernize it and shit,why don't they just make a bunch of electric carsthat you don't have to fucking get gas for?Gas thing.Man, there's one thing I want to doin Grand Theft Auto is three-point turnsat two miles an hour.That's fucking amazing.
07:49The game physics are just so incredible,so easy to control.I make a three-point turn on that bitch.There's a...Maybe I'll just play one of the clips.She goes, what should I wear?your in-game wifeJesus
08:08fucking ChristI wasn't even going to talk about this todayI can't help itIt's likeargument as old as timeIt's just like I don't wantTo experience the real worldIn a video game
08:25I don't want this girl boss shitI don't want it in real worldI don't want it in a fantasy worldThis game is for weirdosWhoThe only realism I want in a fantasy worldis if you can like rob your baby mama with like a wizard staff or like uh you know something likealong those like shoot dice with like yeah uh when when she asks uh which which of these dresses should
08:51i wear tonight i want to run her over in my fucking car that's what i that's the part of thegame that i'm looking forward to the most that's cool um it's funny they started i was likereading about it you know this week like everybody they started developing it 10 years ago or 13ago or something.Right?So there's this guyon Twitter thatlike that
09:13researches all theselike woke feministlesbians,black,gender, queer lesbiansthat are likewere devs on the game.I don't know what the fuck
09:22a dev means anymore.Maybe when the WNBAis done figuring outwhat a penis ison a woman,they can tell uswhat they think a dev means.Devil Degg.
09:33Devil Degs.We got a lot of devsin this room right now.because I fucking knowit's not even vibeit's not codingit's not vibe codingI don't know what it is
09:46I think it's doing emailsI think that's they'rethey're devingthe women devsso he finds all the womenfeminist devslike shit that they sayand it's always like
09:58you know it's this typicalshitso they've all beenthey've all been working on thisshitty game for 10 yearswhich is likewhich locks thewhich locks the
10:08which locks thethe theme of the gamecircalike 2017immediately postTrump when it was likewhen the left half of thecountry was like a frothing
10:21indignant manhating messthat's wherethe story comes fromlocked out of a time capsuleyou can't wait to relive thisI can't fucking waitto relive the butt hurtof 2017
10:36in my long house simulatorThis should make all the carsJust a PriusAll the cars are menYou ride them aroundYou stick your dick in their assRide them aroundIt's like Ultimate Muscle Roller Simulator, man
10:53Don't tell me you don't rememberI don't remember Ultimate Muscle SimulatorOh noWhat's that?I'll try and email it tooOkayPeople will always send meSome of the stuff you come up with
11:07I'm like that's what you're talking aboutI don't remember that shitDick, Dick, Dick, Dick.Hey!Welcome Dick.You want Dick, you need to, Dick, you love to you.God!It's the show where Ims the Kahnis, coming alive from Mountain Bunker Deep in the heart of the study of failure.
11:29Meagostick Batcherson.Joining me is Johnny the audio engineer.Are you looking for the muscle thing?Muscle simulator?Ultimate Muscle Roller Legends, yeah.We'll look that up at the end.I can remember that shit.Is that traumatizing?
11:41Oh, man.That got some trauma for you.Man, I was in an Uber last night.this isn't what I was going to talk about traumaI was in an Uber last nightthis fuckingsome fatMexican woman driver right
11:57and they've got theusually I getusually I get a Ching Chongright and their directions are inin Ching Chong so it's likesomething I can understandyeahthe fat Mexican woman had her
12:12Mexican directions onlike turned up at fullvolume and the AI of the voice sounded exactly like a fat Mexican woman. They sounded identical.Like, thinking she was talking to me. I'm like, what? What did you say? It was all no, it's thedirections. Can you turn it off? Dude, you have this on all day? You have the directions fuckingshouting at you all day? Do you have postpartum depression or something?Probably.Dude, man.
12:53Getting in an Uber is such a fucking gamble.I'll never forget.There was one time where I was down pretty bad.My car was in the shop and all this shit, and I had to get to work.Yeah.Fucking driving or Ubering to work in the rain.And it's this Filipino driver playing like a Christian music in Toulos.Oh, no, I don't want.
13:14And it's like, man.Put your faith on hold when you're driving me around.The Cologne in there was so overwhelming.And I just like had my head in my hands the whole ride to work like I'm fucking done like life is not worth living anymore.There's no way.This is what I get like fuck.But man.And it's never you never get the roll of the dice in a good way either where you just have someone who shuts the fuck up just drops you off.
13:40It doesn't say a word like just.I love when an angry Russian pulls up.It looks like Oscar the Grouch.I'm like oh fuck yeah.A guy hiding in a trash can.That's what I want driving me around.yes there's a seatbelt around the can't even talk yeahwell arms are coming out the top yeah
14:04my wife has a maybe all women has a permanent jewelry addictionhave you seen these I mean I'm well aware of it you're aware of this shityeah that they're doing they invented a new ways to spend money that's like thatthe whole QVC bit, right?It's just like a bunch of throwawayfucking bracelets and broches andthey can't throw it away because it's permanently attached.She was like, I'm going to go get...
14:32Oh!Me and your sister and your mom are going to go getmatching permanent jewelry.Don't you think that's cool? I'm like, no.Obviously, I don't think that's cool.You got to come back with a permanent grill.Yeah, why don't you guysget some diamonds
14:46and some bling in your teeth?How about that? That's permanent, right?That's what we should do. Come back fromPaul Walshawf with fuckingthe most iciest grills known to mankindShe goes, I think it's sweetWe all we all got matchingPermanent jewelry, the bracelet
15:04And like you think it that'sYou like chainsChain gang basicallyYeah, chain gangShe goes yeahAnd I should have seen it coming thenAnd then she was visiting anotherShe was visiting her friend
15:15Right out of townAnd she comes backShe's never gonna getYou're never gonna believe thisWe got matchingPermanent Jewelry toolike how many of these fuckingwhy do you have three permanent
15:26jewelry's thereyeahnow I'm getting jacked off by Mr. Tbecause they can never come offit's just like a stack ofyou get a stack of fucking chains hereand they're all crappybecause it's like
15:42garbage jewelry you knowwith the homeboy shopping networkjewelry jewelry jewelry jewelryjewelryshe's just going to taco shopsgetting like the quarterfuckingThat's got that shit off.
15:54I'm sick of it.Well, it's so fucking flimsy you could do it with kitchen scissors.It's like, how the fuck is this permanent?Yeah.Looks like it just pop right off.It's going to get caught on a blanket and rip off.And you're going to go, oh, shit.Oh, shit.
16:10She's like, if it comes off, they said you just come back in and they'll put it back on.Like, yeah, I bet.You're not going within 100 feet of one of those places ever again.Yeah.Don't even think about it.They basically figured out how to monetize the...Stupidity.Oh, no, because like, you know how in, like, school and shit, like,
16:30vicious would be like, oh, these are friendship bracelets.Yeah, exactly.It's like the new, like, how do you charge $100 for one instead of $20?Be on the lookout, gentlemen, for permanent jewelry.Your wife is being, your wife is being advertised to as we speak.Her friends are wanting to get their friendship bracelets.welded to their wrists.And if she does go the permanent jewelry route,
16:56you get a grill.Yeah.Get some bolts in your neck.Oh, get diamond-crusted fucking...That's a Frankenstein.That is actually really fucking sick.So there's this scene in the new GTA.Let me see if I got it here.
17:14Where she goes, like, which dress do you want me to wear tonight?I can't buy a well.Let me pull this up.Uh, and wokeness.No, here it is.Don't close or no.Sure you can.But would they look that good?
17:31There are you okay.You know Brian wants us there for cocktails.Uh-huh.Cocktails.You know what you're going to wear yet?Relax, Jay.Here we go.Which you think?
17:45Which dress?Sequins.Sequins.What even is that word?Sequins.I don't.That.board game people play?
17:56So people are complaining about this scene online,but they don't know how to spell sequence.As if to drive the point home,the men complaining about this scenedon't even know how to spell the word sequins.So they're all saying the sequence dress.I realize that I'm the, I'm the gay one.Because I'm like, I would never say sequence.
18:21I would say shiny.And then I go, look online.I was like, fuck, I knew how to spell sequins?What am I?homosexual?Shit.I got longhoused.I didn't even mean to.
18:31Man.It's likewhen you know too many words,so then you end upbeing gay like Fraser.Yeah.Mm-hmm.It's exactly like that.
18:43I don't know any of that gay shit.Oh, man.Dolly Parton died.That was a rough one this week.That was a rough one, man.Yeah.No.we don't have
18:57we don't have a lot of greattits leftin the worldwe're losing them one by onepairpair by pairstereo pair at a time manoh it's rough and somehow
19:10I gotsomehow I got put onuhsomehow I got this on my Instagramalgorithmwhere it's recommending me likelike uhbreast reduction
19:24videoswhich obviously I mean obviously I click on thembut I don't really see what I'm clicking onit's like whoa topless girl and then it's like beforeand then I go oh and I got to getI got to get away from it real fast rightbut I don't want to get away too earlybecause I want to see
19:45I want to see a little more I want to see a profilesometimes it'll turn see that's a good ad thoughbut for the wrong thing it's for the wrong thingyeah I don't know whyI mean, these tits they have, some are just atrocious, you know, still don't do it, but some are really enormous.Venus fly tits, yeah.What the fuck is this?I'm going to set up a fake breast reduction consulting.
20:12Well, it's like those assholes who sell toe rings on like the fucking boardwalk.Like they just want to.To ring slash breast reductions.That's going to be my, I'm going to set up a shop like the doctor is in like Charlie Brown.Yeah, it's like, oh,You're just a guy who wants to fucking get paidto look at feet all day and like touch the shit.Fucking made.
20:30But,yeah.Dolly Parton died.Everybody's got to queer it up with like her books program.Look at you.She gave all these books to kids.Who gives a fuck?Books don't.
20:43Kid.Oh, books amazing.Wow.That's exactly what I wanted.If there were books that are like,this is why Dolly Parton is the greatest and you will never be?Cool book.Then I have libraries down there.
20:56Do they?have libraries down there?Well, or justJesus.See, the thing that makessuch a good programis by sending kidsthe books directly,
21:04they don't have to go to the libraryand deal with all homeless peopleat the infinite jackoff machines.There are a lot of homelessthe library.It just takes one.It just takes one, dude.Just takes one to ruin the library.
21:16Mm-hmm.You want to go in and smell books,not piss.And Optimus Prime died.The voice.The guy.I was like, man, the fucking idea.That's really...
21:34So they was kind of...It's kind of funny, right?They did this...They're doing this apology tourfor the Transformers moviebecause it sucked.Remember?Well, you know, you're too young for that.
21:44It really...It really sucked for us.I bet.Because it was like...It was like the first time where...Obviously, it's to sell toys,the cartoon.But then the movie was like
21:56explicitly this gay,Rodomus Prime toy that they were trying to shove down our throats by killing Optimus Prime in the movie and saying the new leader's Rodomus Prime who's like poochie the dog.He didn't just get up there and say suck my gas pipe and fuck you suck my gas pipe.He raped Optimus Prime in the movie and we're like, what the hell man?Everyone was really, I remember being really excited for that movie at VHS 90 bucks or whatever it was and it came out.God damn, that's right.Shit used to be expensive.Yeah.
22:3290 bucks.It's like, oh, yeah, let's pop this baby in.And then Optimus Prime dies.Oh, what the hell is this shit?For this gay asshole?This fucking, I rock, yeah.Rodamus sucks.He should have been like Rockamas.
22:54Rockamiss.It should have been a Santa Claus.Yeah.Rocksmith.Um, so we're doing like an apology tour, which is kind of, kind of funny, but then the Optimus Prime boys dies, right?So they have all this like merch of a dead Optimus Prime.He actually dies.Ruined it again.
23:12Ruined the apology tour.Because now he's dead in real life.Like, well, this isn't really very funny.Yeah.It's not the same.Wrong application of striking while the iron's hot, I guess.So now they got all this dead merchLike uh
23:30Should you just burn this or whatThat makes itThat almost makes it worth havingI know what a prankBuy an effigy ofIt's just not as funny when you're watching the cartoonYeahOh that guy's dead
23:45Oh Rodham's actually killed that guyThat's fucking crazyWhat couldn't the Rodham's prime guy have diedYeah that guy sucksUmyou can get nagged by your wife in the game.Here you go.Here you go.
24:02GTA six players will need to learn how to maintain a relationship.According to IGN.The romance between Jason and Lucia is optional.Ignoring each other's messages can negatively affect the relationship.So you're fucking flirting with yourself in the game,like you're texting yourself and you're playing both.This is the most weirdest feminist dev shit.It's so like
24:27Ways to strengthen itInclude going shoppingVisiting beauty salonsWhat the fuckNo thanksShooting up beauty salonsYeahShooting up at a beauty salon even
24:46Make it allMake a whole building full of girlsscream while you're nodding offIn their chairIf you're out on your own for most of the dayYou might get a text from Jason or LucyReminding you to lock up the housewhen you get back late, nagging.
25:03Or letting you know they're going to bed.Oh, man.Everyone's favorite texts.Just good night.Good night.Good night.I'm going to bed.Amazing.
25:14Incredible.I didn't get one of those texts once and I really love.I just panicked and lost.Called the police.Something's happened to my girlfriend.She didn't text me that she's going to fucking bed.It's like, at that point you might as welljust go work a real job
25:32and deal with all these real things.The feminist, here's one of the devs said,the feminist urged to say liarevery time a man speaks. She said that on Twitter.Jesus.Yeah, pretty extreme. Jeez.Milo got deported.That's funny.
25:56Fill up your car withoh yeah, previous installment.including GTA 5 drew criticism for misogynistic themes and underdeveloped female characters,but the series has evolved and hopes to attract more female gamers to its previously male heavy player base.Is there a quick time event where you can yell at your girlfriend for backing into the curb?Yeah. I just spent 5,000 credits on those fucking rims. You can buy those feelers.The curb feelers? Yeah.That's sick.
26:32Curb feelers on a modern car would go crazy.Man.I love them on old Cadillacs and shit that you know.Like low riders and I'm like,I want to put those on my truck.Fucking three foot long curb feelers.Yeah.This breaks some antennas off and put those on the side.
26:53Milo was deported.Let's see here.This is great.Great news.We have enough.we have enough fat drug-addicted parasitesillegal parasites in L.A.We don't need another one.
27:08Thank you.No matter how fabulous they are.Here's...Damn.Jesus.Last time I talked to Milo, he called me on my phonebecause he was streamingand he thought he was going to trick me
27:29by making me moo.I said, yeah, sure,why don't you make some monkey noises first?Like, I know you like to hearwhile you're getting ass-fucked, right?Fucking got him.So he did it, and then I said, go fuck yourself, you know.Dude, he fell for the oldest trick in the book.
27:46I know, you do it first.Fucking meth-mouth asshole.How do you not know that one?Man.Idiot.Fucking idiot.Fuck you.You first.
28:02Enjoy him.Enjoy going back to a Muslim.Enjoy going back to Saudi Arabia, UK, Milo.Enjoy it.Enjoy, enjoy the rest of your life back in the Islamic Caliphate of the United Kingdom,where if you say anything out of line, a bunch of white women will try to throw you in prison.And if you do anything out of line, like sodomy and buggery, a bunch of Muslims will throw you off a fucking building.Enjoy it.
28:32Enjoy the trip back.you moron?Maybe you shouldn't have gone to the airport with an expired visawhere, you know,pretty much the only thing they do isscan your fucking visa, idiot, dip shit.There's one thing I've learned is don't fuck with documentsat the airport.
28:50Yeah.I'm a fucking citizen and I'm not welcome at the airport.Your ass is gone.You should have got, you know,you should have got married settled downwith your newfound straightness.Should have married that little penis having whatever she is out in Silver Lake.Had yourself a nice little marriage.
29:10You would have straightened it up.Straighten that shit out.If you're going to be straight and all, get married.Instead, you fucked around.Now you're going home.Went to the airport.And they're going to send you straight to hell.They're going to fucking pound your ass in a way that you don't like.
29:28I was going to say maybe that's why he went.And it's what's really like,What's really just offensive about the Milo reaction are the number of right-wing people who are crying about it.Oh, he was a based fat drug addict homosexual.You can't deport Milo.Like, you morons realize that every single Mexican you want to deport has a bunch of people that care about them.Yeah.Like, do you understand how ugly what you want to do is?
30:00Like, really?it's this time's 100 millionwhatever you're feelinglike this sick addiction to waterthat you have aboutthisfat homosexualthat you don't want deported
30:15there's a hundred million of those feelingsspread all over the fucking countrynut up yeah all you had to do is say nothingall you had to do is say nothingand your position would be watertightyeah no illegals get them out of hereI don't care how much it hurtsI don't care how much it costs
30:31All right, we're going to get rid of this fat queer first.Oh, what? All you had to do is say nothing.Yep.All you had to do is say nothing.Airtight.Now it's, oh, you didn't want to support, you didn't want to deport Milo, though.Chalk that one up to the game, you know, don't fucking...Keep your fucking mouth shut.
30:46Yeah.Doesn't even gain you anything, crying about it.You only lose doing that.Oh, so we can deport him, but we can't, yes.Yeah, gone.Gone. Gone.You should be deported, too, for complaining about it.You should be deported, too.
31:01He's a fucking parasite.Fuck him.Fuck him.They may will.He was complaining about Nick Fuentes, too, which you know I hate.Let's see.Free speech.Oh, rest in power.
31:23I don't think I have that link.Adult Swim said rest in power about Optimus Prime dying.Isn't that for black people?Rest in power?Yeah.That's not.He's white as white as can be.what would a black
31:38Optimus Prime look like?Would he have like spinner?Fucking MegatronIt's a black Optimus Prime.Oh yeah, because he turns to a gun, right?Oh, right.Yeah, and Star Screams is his wife.Classic,
31:55man.Classic black power couple.Oh, Megatron!You know?Man.I guess we find new things out every dayI'll ask Josh Denny for if that's trueI think it is he would know yeah he would know he knows these things
32:17rest in power though it's like I don't know was he that like coollike he voiced that like what other things like I just don't likewhy does it have to have like a chungus twist on itlike yeah why do you got a why does dying have to have a chungus twistLike being like aLike aLike a lostLike losing a battle
32:39You know like thatThose old fucking jokes and shit tooIt's just like damnJust let them beThey rest in peaceRIP honor himYeahRest in power
32:47WhatTheYeahIf we're switching it outIt could be rest in pissRest in poopRest in fucking pizzaRape in power
32:56Yeah okayThanks for making it weirdRestore India pleaseThey didn't say that aboutDolly Parton thoughRest in Parsonpower?Yeah.
33:10Did they?Damn.I guess they didn't, right?No, they didn't.Do we have to retroactivelygo back in time and tell everyonethat they need to rest in power?Yeah.
33:22God damn, that's going to be a lot of work.Rest in power.A lot of tokens do that.Oh, the happy merchantcreator died too. Damn.Those people died.That was a bummer. That one didn't geta lot of media attention, though.
33:36I wonder why.It's just a guyHe likes selling thingsHe's having a good dayHe's just doing the bird man hand rubbedWe can't fuckingUhOkay
33:50Here's aPower outage andOhI just deported a CubanTo the CongoLet me see if I haveA manOut of the frying pan
33:59And into the fireYeah they're doingThey're doing deportingsOhWhere is itCongoLike dudeI'm already in Cuba.
34:08Like, could you just let me be?Fuck.I guess he didn't want to go home.ICE has deported a Cuban immigrant to the Congo.Good luck.Here's the video.Mani, no can't get thatbuilding.
34:30No, Juan, official only.There's here, out of course.Wow.It's in aIt's in a continent we don't know, another cultureThere's a lot of violence here.We can't leave.The US never told you you getting sent to Africa?
34:56The US never gave you notice that you were getting sent to Africa.No, I learned after five hours on the plane that we were going to Africa.Five hours?Were you deported because of a criminal record?Did you look around and say, huh, how come everybody on this plane's African?Only a traffic violation he had.Does you think he was like five hours over the Atlantic Ocean going, huh?Or the Pacific Ocean?
35:23Which way do they fly for Africa?We're basically like...No, we're taking you to Africa.Like, oh.Wow, Cuba's a lot further than I remember.That's so funny.Hey, wait a minute.There's a lot of clicks on this plane.
35:36You go bugunggungBukNepalNepalVietnamOkayCubaEcuador
35:47Hondurasand Africaand Russiaand Russiathat's where they're fromBut none of youare from that countryThey dropped them off with the batteries
36:00NoneThey're stuckAnd in Africaand AfricaAnd in AfricaAnd it's a very violent.Oh, no, sorry.He said they're stuck in the building.
36:14We're reading the words.They're stuck.The news anchor keeps saying you're stuck there.The guys is stuck in the building.That's like the reverse of how when they ship homeless people from like all over the country out here.Yeah.Yeah.It's like finally everyone else is like, wait a second.
36:33Wait a minute.Let's ship them to.We're deporting you to the country you don't even belong in.Nobody wants to be there.It's full of,because it's full of Africans.That's actually really fucking funny.It's really funny.
36:50You can escape from Alcatraz.There is a movie about it.Escape from Africa.You can't escape from the Congo.They should run this on the news every night.Hmm.They could kill or arrest us, he's saying.Yeah, bro, it's fucking Africa.
37:11It's a Congo, like one of the most violent places.In the whole world.I guess if we deport enough of them there, they can build a little civilization, though, right?Super Congo.Super Congo.That's even worse.Send them some food carts.They can serve up some dirty dogs.
37:32You're going home.You're out of here.Oh, I'm going back to Cuba?No.No, we're sending you much further.You need a head start.You need a head start for you.That...
37:46Start sending them to South Africa.Yeah, recolonize it.South Africa.South Mexico now?It's a numbers game.It's a numbers game.Deporting one Mexican to the Congo sucks,but deporting a million,
38:12they'll turn it around.Turn back into just L.A.Yeah.We'll have an L.A.and in Africa.The sister city finally.That's always been the dream.Send them some dirty dog carts,
38:27get the cartel involved.Yeah.Send them some Tweedy birds.Give them,get like some of the lowrider artists out hereto show them how to like do airbrush stuff.Get like a Tweedy bird.in a dandy suit or something.
38:43Let's just shuffle.Shuffle everybody around.It's like all the Japanese greasers.Yeah.Those guys are cool.Those guys are cool.I want to see what else we can come up with.Okay, let's see.
38:56Here's something about Jeff Bezos.Oh, this one's good.Target, it's racist costume season.It seems like it's earlier every year.Racist Halloween costumes.My culture is not,Or is your costume.Yeah.
39:16It seems like, I don't know how we're still, it's such a, it's, it's such a nightmare for these companies.I don't know how we continually have racist costumes, but it's just an unavoidable defect in the manufacturing logistics, you know, supply industry, I guess.Here's the, here's the first one of the year, the first racist costume of the year.I don't even know why it's racist.they're like what it's got boo in the nameit's like aI think that's a black kidsays black light reactive
39:53and there's a it's like a clownblack lightuhdoes this look racist to youI guess if everyone's saying it isI guess it's a littleis this kid blackhe's got totally white makeup face and white he's only showing his palms they can't really see
40:22here is the here's the quote from target an apology from us we pulled an offensive Halloween costumethat should never have been part of our assortment it's no longer for sale as a company we got thiswrong and we are deeply sorry we know this is especially hurtful for our black guests team members and partnersRemoving the costume is an important first step,and the company is looking closely at how this happenedand what needs to change to ensure this won't happen again.What is racist about this?And this poor kid is like, awesome.
40:57I get to be in a costume on the cover.Yeah.And then they're like, it's racist.Yeah.Yeah.That sucks.Man, am I just like, am I this out of touch?Is it because of this?
41:14Because it's all blacked out on this one?Oh, it's because he's not reactive?Maybe.I don't see it.Oh.Hmm.I wish there was a store that was just only racist shit.By department.
41:32And then you could, like, as you're walking through the aisles, you see, like, oh, shit, that guy's dressed a lot like me.Like, that would almost be either really unifying or, like, like, racism store.Funnier in a way.Yeah.split by aislesbecause then you can just see likeoh we all enjoy making fun of each otherlike it's just life
41:53yeah I don't even know what to make fun of with thatI'm at a loss for I'm like whatif I showed a black person that would they be upsetthis is what I think of youit's like a kid in a clown makeupyeah it'd be one thing if he hadan insanely receding hairlinethat would be
42:08had at least besome sort of shot fired somewhereuh okayhere's ahere's a woman dealingwith postpartum depressiona lot of it going arounda lot of it going around
42:22I found out theoh yeah a couple of things I found outthat Lacey ClancyLindsay ClancyOh yeahShe's in a wheelchairBecause she jumped out of a windowAfter she strangled their kids
42:32To try to kill herselfA two-story windowYeah. On her head, I guess.On my head yet. Yeah.Her husband had to be thinking, you know, deep down, like, what an idiot. Two stories?Fucking idiot. Beyond, like, the anger and the hurt and stuff, he had to be thinking, of course. Of course, fucking idiot.The fact that you could die from a fall of at least six feet.And, like, you got two whole story, a little bit more of a margin?
43:04Yeah.And you fucked that up? Like, God.damn yeah like wow two whole two whole stories you didn't think did you hear a lot about peopledying when they fall out of the second story of their house you dumb bitch not really uh okayhere's a here's a woman dealing with her postpartum depression i accidentally caught theproof i needed of my healing on video oh she's i think she's there's a video about how she's a great momMy daughter made a mistake.Oh, okay.
43:44So this woman is fiddling around with arts and crafts,filming herself doing God knows what.It says Sidney Baker photography.And if you notice, she left her coffee in the middle of the room.She left on the floor, in the middle of the room.And my daughter,I should have beenYeah, there's your toddler.
44:17I should have been anticipating a blow-upto be yelled.What are you saying?My daughter made a mistakewhen I was already overstimulatedand burnt out.The daughter didn't make a mistake.You put your coffee in the middle of the room.
44:33Yeah, that's on you, dog.That's your fault.You did that.People aren't walking aroundexpecting coffees to be on the fucking floor.Wait till your father gets home.Oh yeah, because he's going to yell at you.He's leaving your fucking coffee in the middle.
44:51First of all, for buying Starbucks coffee anyway,when we've got coffee at home, it's perfectly fine.Two, leaving it in the middle of the room.What, if I had done this as a child,I would have immediately burst into tears apologizing.I would have been anticipating a blow-up to be yelled at.Oh, great.but she remains calm.
45:18The toddler?Oh, she watches me work to regulate my emotions.She knows she has nothing to fear,and that no matter how frustrated I am,I will always do my best to handle things.So little girl is standing here, like, terrified,like not knowing if mom's going to have a gigantic tantrum,right, while she's revving up her super bitch,
45:47Sion, say and,powers.Like, can you imagine if you did that to a woman?Every time they do.You know?It's like fucking.Fucking psycho.Like, this kid is going to grow up hating people.
46:07Leaving the mess on the floor.She hasn't even cleaned up the mess yet.Get your ass into the kid.Grab a towel.If you come back with one paper towel, I'm going to punch you in the mouth.Go get a towel from the bathroom.That's what I would say to the woman, not the child.Do my best.
46:25She waits for instructions.And once I finish, do you know.Class, really aren't.Women, they're posting this stuff.They're posting their stuff like they're doing a good job.Yeah, look at what a great mama I am.I'm only forcing my kid to watch me, like, show them that I could.Oh, a race car in the red.
46:46I'm a TNT-Lang motherfucker.You think Starbucks coffee?grows on trees, that costs your father good money.For you to just walk around, kicking your feet anywhere.Your father is going to beat the shit up.Your father's going to be very upset.You're right.They got nine women on the Lindsay Clancy trial.
47:16I think it's over and they're, you know, obviously they haven't.Obviously it's very confusing for them.Because on the one hand, she's murdered her kids.but on the other hand,they all have a case of the Mondays,you know?Right.On the other hand,
47:29they're not being,you know,valued for their true worth at home,and they got to take that out on somebody.Somebody's got to recognizethat these nine women are not appreciated.Yeah.For the girl boss, bitch.
47:44They are.Right?That's got to go somewhere.Imagine being the three men in that room,in that jury room right now.Lunch break,They're just like,mm-hmm,
47:55I can cry.It's like,they're still decidingwhat to havefor lunch.I heard day three.Yeah,the guys was like,
48:04anything.Eat the shitty sandwichesfrom the fuckingjury duty cart.Yeah.It's funny, though,because if they saythat she's hormonal,
48:16like,and she's not a murdererfor killing the kids.Yeah.Because of hisundetectable,unverifiable,a nebulous,
48:26conditiondoesn't that apply tolike all of them?YeahI know that's not how it will workthey'll just say like yeah well whateveryou know well for all the other timeseveryone's been like well you're just being hormonal
48:42like no I'm notI murdered my kid like I was just being hormonallike oh okaythis is yeah speaking of kidsit would be greatif we lived in that worldyou'd say oh okay so you guys areYou guys are legally
49:01not, you guys are legally immuneto accountability then, you're saying.All right.I guess we shouldn't,you can't have credit cards then, obviously.Right.Obviously.A business choice.
49:15Let's start there.Let's start there and see what elseinvolves accountabilitythat you're no longer illegally requiredto answer to.All right.Lindsay, oh yeah, then there was this report.reporter. This psycho reporter from the Lindsay Clancy stuff.
49:39There we go. This is a reporter at Lindsay Clancy trial sparks backlash forwinking at the camera. They're really having like, they're really putting on a pageantat this trial. America's worst women. Lindsay Clancy reporter, yeah, here.Here we go.Oh, come on, ads.Skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip.Oh, come on.Here it is.
50:22Accused killer mom trial.Lindsay Clancy, and there's this idiotsmiling at the camera and winking.Vanity Fair reporter Brittany Romanoin a green dress appears to smile and wink.during Clancy's trial proceedings on Monday.Oh, it was a friend of Lindsay Clancy's?Wow.
50:47I got that little voice in their ear.Your husband's not, he's not listening to your knee.It's ha da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.The case has been so horrifying that at least one prospective juror fled the courtroom in tearsbefore the trial even started.Is that a good sign?Romano was later asked about her odd reaction,claimed she was in court because she grew up with Clancy.
51:19Then she posted this insane, insane breakdown.I'll just load that.It's Rudy Romano, and everyone really seems to have an issue with me.And here's the thing that we need all straighten out.Last week I walked back in with spinach in my teeth.So when I was late after having to deal with the Luigi-Manjone crisis,I love how everyone's really giving preconceived notions.But yet, you're sitting in what, your living rooms, giving X, Y, and Z.
51:54If you were in that courtroom every single day, I would love to know what your thoughts are.But this little bitch, El Parenthood, yes, my name is, yes, my name is Brinder Mouth,please don't know it felt wrong.I've older brother, Justin, J-U-S-T-Y-N, a little brother named Nick.And here's the thing.This is a reporter.This is someone who packages information in a way that's easy to digest.Total retard.
52:23Just incomprehensible gibberish.Made a lawyer.And every single thing that you've been saying has been screenshoted.So maybe look in on the repercussions of what you're saying.Brittany Romano with Vanity Fair.That's going to be all the GTA devs in about in three months.They've had 10 years to work on their woke or toxic gamer,toxic male gamer speeches.
52:58So there's going to be some bangers.I really hope there is.You can't rush it, you know?You don't want to be the one that jumped the gun.But there's going to be a moment where it's just the perfect,for one of them to post theirmonologue about the toxicityin video games, male gamers.
53:22I wish this was all like a biglike, oh, here's the reveal.So everyone complains about it.And then it's like, ah, just kidding.You can like waterboard people in thisand like pull their fingernails off.Like that would be a good way to save it all.But like the more I'm learning about this,
53:40it's like, that's really.I mean, you can't expect much from AAA games these days, I guess.No.I guess not.Okay, let's read some comments.You don't read Manny's story, too.Oh, yeah.You're going to get to that.
53:57Okay, Antoids.Have you had sex with your wife in the past year?If so, you're gay.They found that male DNA, they found male DNA in women who had given birth to sons.Oh, really?WowI guess I'm gay thenThen who are you gay
54:17WowWomen got all kinds of DNAYeahGoing around in themWhat even are theyMonstersBridgetGonzales says
54:30The whole Lindsay Clancy thingIs another opportunityFor women to play Chick JeopardyYeah make it about themselvesYeah no kiddingOh hey buddyHiHere he is
54:43Did you know you have male DNA in you now?Because of him?Yeah, gross, rightData saysI need Aquaman to call in againAnd try to explain something else to usThat would be funDude, Aquaman explains
55:03Is a great segmentBecauseSometimes you got to throw a guyA lifeline when he's drowningMan, six minutesSix minutesI don't know what we got togot out of that.
55:15We gotwe got AquamanAbba Zaba says hey callers you candelete and retry your voicemailsI don't think a retry is going to helpNot for AquamanIn myIn my experience
55:33The old delete and retryJust really gives you the sameEither the same or worseYeah you never get any betterNever gets any betterJust leave itJust leave itCan Crusher. It says, you'll like this.
55:49All right.Let's see here.You'll like this.A man, a man says he was voluntarily paying his child's mother $300 a week,but after asking for two months to get back on his feet financially,she filed for child support,and the court ultimately ordered him to pay $13 a month.they can order that low
56:16is that real1349I could only give her150yeah okay well yeahgood for youthis is payable toSheniqua Nichols
56:31hmmhuhgreatgood forgood for hergood for everyone involveduh pale penissays vote up
56:48cute shit.All right.What do you got here?Pale penis.This is...Oh, Lake Ontario is renamed to Lake America.Yeah.Name them all Lake America.
57:10Yeah.Lake America one, Lake America two.Or just all one giant lake.Fucking dig the canals.I mean, it's gay, but it pisses...It does upset people.I don't know how it still works, but it does still work.This is the name, man.
57:23We know what you're talking about.Yeah.I don't know.Actually, he's probably more confusing.Like, why is that one is named, Ontario is now named Lake America.Okay.Yeah, sure.Chad Clah Clamhammer says,
57:44uh, I'm tired of being single, he says.Oh, no, it's this.A woman screaming at a man for 30 seconds.This is the GTA 6 preview.What we're seeing right here.Woman shrieking, screaming.Somehow I know what she's talking about.You know, not the specifics, but...
58:13Yeah.I know directionally what she's talking about.You can tell he's also not giving a fuck.Yeah. Oh, yeah. All right.Standing up and walking around and shit now?Yeah, he took some steps yesterday. Just a couple.Let's do it.The Dick Show presents an erotic story from a real man.
58:41From a real manny.From a real manny. An erotic story is from a...It's entitled My First White Girl.By Juan Mills.Manniestealing sandwichesnot paying child supportmy first white girl
59:03the year is2015 and I've just gotten the keysto my new placea single roomin a one bathrooma six bedroom city apartmentoh wowit's like an al-Qaeda training facility
59:21I know two of my new roommatesthe other two are strangersand the last room's unoccupied.Depending on how much stuff I can move today,I'll either spend the night in this new apartmentor back on my friend's couch.None of that matters right now, though,because I also have a date lined up tonight
59:37with a Tinder match who's excitedthat I'm finally back in her neck of the woods.This is the story of my first white girl.We meet in front of a red lobster.Well, she's a fat.White girl.Manny's the one,this is what drove him out of business, this date.
59:58He took fucking Moby Dick to the Red Lobster, filled her up with shrimp, bottomless pit.And the first thing I notice is that she's a little chubby than the nudes,than the nudes she sent me.B cups slightly under 200 pounds.Shubby.A little bit fluffier than the nudes she sent me.I guess I can live with this.The date doesn't go particularly well.
01:00:27but we've both had enough watered-down margaritasto make coming back to my place seem like a good idea.She follows me into a room that contains several trash bagsfull of clothes and one uninflated air mattress.How can he tell the difference between the girl and all this other stuff?The trash bags?Uh-oh, let me just get it in.Uh-oh, that's a trash bag.
01:00:49Uh-oh, that's an uninflated air mattress.Uh-oh, that's the trash bag again.It's fucking a couch.I know one of my new roommates is also sleeping on an air mattressSo I knock on his door and ask to borrow his pumpShe makes a comment that he deems racistAnd I already feel tomorrow's hangover setting inWhile she explains to him
01:01:08That's impossible because she'sShe has a half black son at homeMy roommate's pump was not compatible with my air mattressCome on, manny, can't youWhat's the term?He's not so handy, manny.Jerry rig it, although I have heardA lot of variation
01:01:34YeahYou can'tI'm sureYou can't rig thatIt fucking puts air outWhat do you mean it's not compatibleThe connection was visibly looseAnd the awkward tension in my barren room
01:01:49Was getting more and more palpableWhat if I wrap a shirt around itYeahYou're gonna be dealingYou better figure it out because you gotta put it in hernext.It's going to be just as losing.You have the same problem.
01:02:03It sucks.After 15 minutes I gave up.Mani.My date...Can't inflate a fucking air mattress?My date had made it this far.Even though my bedhad less
01:02:17than half full.It could still providejust enough cushioning for the pipeI was about to lay down.Our bed'srated for this?He's like 500 pounds.Man, he's not fat,
01:02:33but he's not small.And he's going to be hammering,who, pipe, ooh.You need a caterpillar turbineto fucking keep that thing inflatedif that motherfucker's laying on a goddamn.What are you inflating it with?He needs like a bounce house.
01:02:53Yeah, man.You need that thing that firemen havejumping off roofs.Yeah.First, I had to try tosalvage the moodwith some cunolingus.After a fish
01:03:05All you can eat fishYou're going down on this white bitchThis racist white bitch you just meantHe wanted secondsMy technique proved ineffectualOn the matchOn the mattressConstantly shifting terrain
01:03:23Tokyo drifting all around the roomYeah because she's sunk inSo you're likeAnd eye to eye with herwomanhood for the first time.I realized I may have over-promisedin some of the messages we had in exchange prior.It was time to unleash a special technique
01:03:43that I had only used with one girl prior.I licked her asshole.Bro.You licked a fat woman's ass,it turns out. This strange womanwas not as clean back there as my favoriteex before her.Slim bee cups.
01:03:59They're not wiping at 200 pounds, Manny.I can't really.If you have to throw your arm back to try and wipe, you're not wiping.It turns out that she did not appreciate the surprise.After a brief interrogation regarding what the fuck was wrong with me and subsequent apology,we mutually agreed that I was done eating her out for the night.At this point, it was obvious that unless the penetrative sex was phenomenal,we would never see each other again.
01:04:30And neither of us had high expectations in the moment.Before we could get to the final trial, however, it was her turn to reciprocate.God.She looks at your asshole?For what it was worth, she was as bad at giving head as I was that night.Her only saving grace was refusing to shy away when I warned her that I was about to come and allowing me to finish in her mouth.She swallowed with a dynamic, dramatic gulp and instantly came up for a kiss.mental alarm started ringing off in my head,
01:05:05but I was too slow to react.As we kissed, it became obvious that the gulp was fake,and she was using her tongue to push my own come back into my mouth.I instantly sobered up,retching and spitting as much as I couldonto the corner of my mostly deflated air mattress.She had accomplished two completely unnecessary goals with that snowball.Revenge for my...
01:05:34unrequested analingis,unnecessary because her dirty ass wasrevenge enough, to a rageboost for the punishing penilepounding that would make this entireordeal worthwhile.Penal pounding just came.What are you doing?
01:05:50You gas station pills, man?These are the Rhino 9,000?Yeah. Unnecessary because I was stilleager to satisfy my first white woman.Oh, this was your first white woman.Jesus.It's first white whale, man.Oh, with the power of youth and sheer force of will,
01:06:08I regained enough of an erection to get the job done.Unfortunately, the job in this case was barely insertion.She had enough room down there to give birth to another half-black baby with me still inside.Regardless, I gave up my all, and after a tenth of the time I spent trying to fill the mattress we were lying on, I gave up and quit.She insisted that she would be okay, just cuddling for the rest of the night, and I let her know that,But before I did that, I would have to buy some cigarettes in order to get the taste of myself out of my mouth.Oh, God.I did not smoke at the time.
01:06:45Instead, I left her alone amongst a pile of laundry-filled trash bags and spent the rest of the night at my friend's house, where I still had a couch to sleep on.She was gone by the time I returned in the morning.My favorite hoodie was also missing.Was it tight on her?I planned on taking this story to the grave with me.It was easily the worst sexual encounter I've ever had.But as a continuation in my recent wave of misfortune, my secret has been unearthed.While listening to a recent episode of The Biggest Problem, I hear Vito mention my name,
01:07:20Mani Muskets, didn't he eat cum?I have no clue how Vito heard this tale, but it is true.I know that's what happened here.Somehow he discovered that I had tasted my own seed.And while eating cum is near a fictional exaggeration of the events described,it is one that I'm willing to grant a comedic genius with Vito's storytelling talent.I hope that one day most importantist or we like art can achieve the podcasting heightsof projects like the Corn Boys or Rustic Study Hall.
01:07:52Vito has best to me once again.Thank you. Go fuck yourself.Oh, that's horrible, man.You've been listening to erotic stories from real men.brought to you by The Dick Show.And you bailed.Everything about this is like the real readings of Aquan Mills book.I truly think you could give that guy a run for his money.
01:08:14I got to go.I got to go.That was fun and all.I got to go.That.You didn't just stay here.I'm going to go sleep somewhere else.Flat mattress and garbage bags.
01:08:31He's done it again.A masterpiece.Is that in GTA6?I think that's like the last bookin a series of misfortune events.Let me sneak it?Yeah.Yeah, probably.
01:08:48Oh, God.All right.That's the show, everybody.Patreon.com slash,unless you want to read these news.I can't read.I can picture the trash bags.she should have just walked out with him
01:09:15it looks like he could have just thrown up in one of the trash bagsand those air mattresses are so badyou'd be better off with a bicycle pumpyeah just leave the pump onyeah it's like a hand fan from fucking fore imprintor something like what's the fuck is thisyou're like a fucking boomerang if you're trying to lay on top of someoneon those air mattresses because they're caved in
01:09:50No matter what, even if they're small.If you have an air mattress,your ass is touching the ground,your elbows are touching the ground.Yeah, yeah.And nothing, it's not comfortable.Nothing is suspended.No, you try and roll one way or the other,
01:10:07shoulder on the ground.Fuck it, it's just you're always...Oh, shoulder on the ground is the worst.The worst.I don't even know.I found out about trifold mattresses.Like...Oh, those are great.
01:10:18Dude.They're...They're, I was always on air mattresses, always fucking at my back, going toTri-Fle.Camping, going to festivals.And then I just saw, I saw someone with a mattress.I'm like, how the fuck did you get this mattress here?He's like, oh, it's a trifold.
01:10:32You just fold it.Velcro handle, fucking walk.Yeah.That thing's amazing.No setup time.I don't know why there's, I don't know why air mattresses even exist.Dude, it's fucking big fan trying to sell us shit.It's big C battery.
01:10:46They want to keep, they got to keep moving those C batteries.20D energize.That's what they're trying to make us buy again.Yeah.All right.Hey, Dick.I wanted to leave this voice sale for a while, but I kept forgetting, so I'm a little rusty on the details.But I'm a friend who told me this story.
01:11:07He calls the Mexican border shooter.Yeah, so basically he went to a tortoise shooter, and while he was shooting, he looks underneath, and there was this, like, like, event horizons of,of shit, like coming out of the shitter.It was like so piled up.It was like peaking out of the toilet.I breached the surface.And so he shits in it.Yeah.
01:11:34And he's wondering like, damn, like, where is this all going?And like, I don't know.I think somehow he found out like where all the shit underneath goes.It reminds me of your house a bit.Anyway, he finds like a mountain of shit.and yeah I'm gonna sure I mentioned this in the beginning I think he said it was like a Mexican area or whateversure but anyway so like you know he could be anywhere these is shitum in a toilet
01:12:02shitter and like apparently he didn't see a single piece of toilet paper like not not oneis he spalunking that was like the question story I'm not I'm not saying it really wellI can I can ask him to call in andnot saying it really well is very you're being generousis this Aquaman's brotherMexican AquamanShitter manSo there is a big pile of poop in the toilet
01:12:32In MexicoAnd there was no toilet paperIs thatDo you usually see a bunch of toilet paperAnd piles of poop?Yeah you're supposed to make a little bed for each oneLike you're giving birth, right?Oh, okay
01:12:45this guy's poking it with a stickthis guy's eating ithe's like these weirdos aren't even using toilet paperwhile he's digging through their shitwell for him it's like a spring roll rightif he can rollfucking it's easywhat
01:13:02keeps getting all over his handsanother three-minuteeroh is this Aquaman no it's not Aquamancahey I could use some adviceI think we all could use some advicewhen you're talking to a girland she asks,do you want to see a TikTok I made?
01:13:21How do we deflect from that?We need a playbook for this.There has to be a strategy ready to talk about.Sometimes in the moment.This guy needs advice.You get asked, do you want to see an Instagram reel I made?Call lying.You either have the Riz or you don't at that moment
01:13:35and you can angle it away.You can't think about.Riz.He's just lying.Encourage me to keep doing thatand give her validation.Yeah.I don't want to see that.
01:13:47Whatever she made, I don't want to see it.Women shouldn't be a lot.Well, yeah, obviously you don't want to see it.What are you telling me that for?They should not be perceived by othermen. If I'm talking to her, I don't wantother men to perceive her at all.She should be
01:14:01safely out of the gaze ofany competition.Put her in a burqa.Either not existingor chained up in the basementto the radiator.Not wearing shoes. Whatever it is.Not able to read.
01:14:14I don't want her being.online and I don't want to see it.I'm not making it. I'm not making an Instagram.Delete it.Say, delete this instant.Delete it this instant.But you can't say no.You don't know how to use Grockbot to make a fake server for her to upload into the void.
01:14:31Don't interpret that.Say delete it.I insist that you delete your TikTok right now, right this moment.Why would I do it now?The only time I want to see a woman online is if she's got her kitties out.That's it.I think we can all agree on that.I don't see that either.
01:14:47The right move has to be a deflection.You have to change it around and moving into something else.And that's what we need a playbook for.You have to have something on hand.This guy's asking for advice and goes on a rant.Your phone should have, I mean,your phone should already supply the answer.Like mine does now.
01:15:05When I respond to my wife, it's like,I have to de-gay it.It says like, I'd love to see it, exclamation point.I'm out if you're drowning.I'm fighting to say, okay.the water.Thumbs up,I shouldn't be
01:15:18drowning.I love the thumbs up.It's like,fuck you.You can be fighting the waterand fighting the currentlike a fish.Oh,
01:15:25see,here comes,Ackleman's brother.Like pussy waterand get these bitchesand to do thatthere has to be an openingplaybook.
01:15:32What can that be?You've got to havea move.You know,just say yes.Yeah.Who don't have Riz on demand.You don't need Riz
01:15:42to lie about a stupid.I have to get this.I have to get this.similar conversation with children when they come up to you and say hey look at this picture i drewjohnny have you ever fucked women can you help someone has to be able to help say you look fatin your video that you sent you look fatter than into my into my basement i need her there don'tsay that part i'm drowning you are drowning all you're going to do is say yes man yeah pretty goodit's real easy this guy needs to playbook to say yes
01:16:15You don't need every interaction with women doesn't need to be likeResults in you knowHaving sex with themYeahSometimes it's just something you get throughSometimes it's buzz offIt's like workYou're putting in the work
01:16:33That paying all this money to have to work in my video game as wellIt's likeThey don't know they're just doing itThey're not making a TikTok for any kind of reasonYeahjust like something to do you should be ashamed of yourself for not creating something you're putting in you're putting in too much work already thinking about it yeah this guy cares about women you want to see my tic-tok yeah just say the opposite of whatever you're thinking you want to see my tic-tok yeah what did you think that was great it's awesome thought it wasn't stupid at all fucking sick yeah it's cool i wish i made it it's that easy everybodyThat easy.That easy.
01:17:25Don't use too many words.Just say...Yeah, you start saying too many words,and then everyone realizes how stupid you are.Do you think it was good?Yeah.It's great.Great.
01:17:36Thumbs up emoji.I wish there was two.I wish I could watch it twice.Why don't you spend your whole day making TikTok videos?My TikTok's broken.I can't.Oh, yeah, you got to send it to me on my account that works.That one doesn't work either.
01:17:51It doesn't work.It doesn't work for me.I got that brick app, except for Chinese apps.Yeah.Doesn't work on my phone.Yeah.I have a productivity app because I'm a hustler.It's called the Do Not. It's called Airplane Mode.
01:18:10My airplane mode is on. I can't. I can't look at your TikTok.I was banned from TikTok for messaging nine-year-old girls.That's what you say. You'll never get asked again.Do you not want to be askedto look at the fucking TikTok?Is that what?Because you can easily have that.Yeah, this girl's begging for
01:18:34a woman's attentionand she's like, hey,get involved with something I'm doing.Do you like this?What you got to do isgive it up.Give up women go play video gameswhere a woman could bother you
01:18:46about her TikTokin a fucking virtual video game.Did you look at my TikTok yet?Can we go to the shopping store?And buy some funnylogo clothing. Look, it's notthe same logos in this world.It's called like, uh,
01:19:01baddies or something.Fold your phone in half simulator.Yeah.See, I can't look at your TikTok. My phone's broken.Yeah, I violently folded itin half hot dog style becauseyou asked me too many times.Just right now I did it.
01:19:18The dick showwhat makes me rage is, I betwomen have been the same throughout allof history. Like, if that swimRoman legionaire got back from Gaul, and he was sitting there at the dinner table, and he was like, baby, this spear has saved my life so many times.I once had a duel with a Golic soldier who was three feet taller than me, punctured him right in the neck.This spear saved my life, and she's just like, yeah, huh?Yeah, that's nice, dear.
01:19:48He's like, I should even fucking listen to me.He's got no appreciation.What was he talking about?this guy's fuckingRoddy Dangerfield over hereno respecthe's got no wifehis wife
01:20:01him and his wifegot divorced rememberhe's a divorceddadoh is that this guyyeahoh yeahhe got really into guitar
01:20:10ohthat sounds likeyour average guitar guyhey Dickyou Johnnyabout those racecheck boxeson every form
01:20:20I think you guystalked about last episodeyeahfunny storyI was working for a tech company a few years before COVID.So I was there for a few years.Then I was up for a promotion to be a manager right around the time of the George Floydriots or so.
01:20:38And to make me a manager, the company had to open up the position to what they calledthe diverse slate.So they couldn't just promote me.They had to like compare me against at least one or two.candidates that were not white or Asian or male, basically. So any woman of any race or any non-agingnon-white too, all right? Let me preface this by saying that I am half Mexican. So on any box,the box for white, it always says white, non-Mexican, non-Hispanic. So I can't check it because,you know, technically, you know, I'm just like you, half Mexican. So I always check,
01:21:21check biracial, Hispanic, whatever.And when I started at this job, I checked that box as well.So it turns out that I get the promotion.And later on, when I talked with my boss about how the process went down,told me that him and the director were squaring up to like really push my case againstthe diverse panel that they were supposed to have.But turns out when HR was looking at my forms and they saw,hey, if you checked the box, they said, yeah, you can just promote him.
01:21:54You don't have to, you don't have to look for diverse candidates or anything.I got a white last name.Oh, he's Mexican.Technically, I'm half Mexican.What are we doing?And that was enough to, like, bypass the whole GEI initiative and get promoted.So, yeah, always, if you can claim it, man, even if you can't claim it,and just check the box.
01:22:16Yeah, who would you to tell me?wait a minutewhy do we put togetherthis whole panelhe was already Mexicanyeah we didn't have to go backand fabricate that he was Mexicanhe's already is we lined up
01:22:28all of our other races heregot a bunch of women involvedand he was alreadyyou're telling me he's already Mexicanyou just wasted all of our timewasted all of our timeyou know how long it took meto dig up these minorities
01:22:42and women for this promotionyou just wasted all of my timehe's already Mexicandamn it?Me going through life, filling out forms as I'm black and Chinese.Hmm.We got some of the most Chinese people we could find.It's crazy.
01:23:02Yeah.As a kid, I was like, there's no way they're keeping track of all this.Oh, they're keeping track.Yeah.So I was just like was being, you know, whatever mood I was in that day.I would just choose one fucking ever.Yeah.God damn it.
01:23:16Fly.UhOkayAnotherThree minuteHe's leftHe's out autisticNo one like you
01:23:31You wonder why I'm telling meBro, I think you're autisticThis isHoly shitGreat callGreat callHeyHey Johnny
01:23:44See a lot of your fans callAnd they have a lot of problems right?but none of them calling with solutions,so I'm calling with a couple solutionsthat I found worked very well for me,maybe it'll work for your guys out here.Recently, I had a new position in my job.I've been moving from blue collar,
01:23:57the more white collided into the office,and I don't know too much about offices and sales and stuff,so I'm very fucking nervous about it.You know what I did?I started MK altering myselfwith Limp Biscuit albums at the same timeas I watched repetitive Billy Maysad.It's just a loop for hours, right?
01:24:11I've become the greatest salesman in my fucking office.I didn't make me more money than I ever made in my life.At first, I was so worried out of it.I was anxious that I was getting ready to quit.I didn't know if I'd take on the office, but I got myfucking head in gear. I figured out exactlywhich album it was I needed to listen to,which, by the way, it's not chocolate starfish.
01:24:28It's the truth, or whatever that whole thing is.It's a real political one, you know, when they tried to beraged against the machine for a second.That one actually gets me going. It gets me a little angry,you know, it's part of like, I feel like they havemore talent than they were putting into that album.But either way, it's enough drive to get me in my work,and those Billy Mays ads gives me enough
01:24:43fucking energy that I want to sing at somebodyand sell them everything I fucking have.Anyways, I hope your fans will actually listen to this adviceInstead of just crying and calling you over and over againByeDude, he fucking fits so much informationShort amount of timeI actually believe him
01:24:58That could have been like a 10 minute voicemailFor a lesser man that would have beenBut for Billy Bays Jr. right hereHell yeah, I'm quite proud of youHere's a news story that I hadThis guy was runThis guy started a veterans museumAbbo Deely is a Vietnam
01:25:19War veteranHe's been the curator of the ArizonaMilitary Museum in Phoenixfor the last 40 yearsBut he was forced to step downBecause he saidEventually they will replace meWith some gay black woman
01:25:35Woke JewWho will ruin the placeHe said that on a tourYou used profanity on his tourThis sounds like an awesome museumYeah.All Americans are stupid.He told the members of the tour group that they knew nothing about Vietnam because they were too young, brainwashed, stupid.
01:25:54Duped, uneducated, or uncaring?Shortly after, what else did he say?They kicked him out.Dang, that's too bad.And he claimed that a mannequin of a soldier with his hand on his hip was meant to represent gay soldiers.So he's going around this museumTelling everyone like that's not realThat's not real
01:26:17This is what we should care of likeHe's doing the right thing because he was thereYeah he made the museumI thinkI mean he was definitely part of whatWent into it absolutelyThat's too bad that sounds like a fun tourAnd one you would actually learn from
01:26:35And then retain the info onYeah 80 year oldVietnam veteranCursing all over thethe place, dropping slurs.I would have donatedto it had I known, but now that he's notthere, now that they're going to replace him.
01:26:49With that. Yeah, with the verything he said they were going to.Gay, black womanwoke Jew.Who will ruin the place?Ruin hismuseum. Man.No one wants their museum ruined.
01:27:05All right. Let's do that.Oh, shit.Oh.You don'tIt's so funny. I send these in and forget what's in there on the drive over.So first of we got Gordon Lightlofer.All right.And definitely get the audio for this one.
01:27:29Okay. It's like an old guy with a popcorn bucket.I may be the only man who is actually seen the vagina monologues and six, the only straight man who has seen the vagina monologues and six.But you are a little light in your loafers, you know, because...I think that's my...Cat.Weatherby.I may be the only man.This guy's wife calling him gay.
01:27:54Is he gay?He seems a little gay.What do you mean, is he?For sure, it is.But, man.He's the only straight man that's seen what movies did he say?I think vagina monologue is six.Six?
01:28:07What the hell is that?Beats the fuck out of me, but...Maybe it's one of those movies that only gay people have heard of.That would explain why we haven't?Yeah.All rightUnta parentYeah
01:28:19Oh fatAlreadyManI'm going crazyTo ta ta ta taThis is who manny was fuckingThere's a big fat white womanWith tattoos on her neck
01:28:39We're wearing like a jerseyYeah like a Raiders jerseyRater's jerseylip singinghip-hop songis a half black kid in the back,sleeping.I truly think, like,
01:28:54to watch this segmentthat might be hers.Is this Mandy's tender date?But she...It's like,why do you got your kid in the back?Why you got this?Like, everything...
01:29:08Why put the kid in this video?That's what I'm saying.It's just, it's all bad.So she's an unfit parentand she's also unfit as a parent.This is wing stop.Okay, it's two black women.This is what we were expecting.
01:29:28I even made sure I hit him beforehandto make sure there was a bathroom on the busand he insured me it was.So this is a wing trip.Kind of like going wine tasting,you're going wing tasting?Figure it out.You were supposed to have all of that figured out
01:29:45before we even got here.What is that?supposed to be one or two more pickup.So we figure Mario should be cool for the trip without a bathroom on the bus.But once the trip progressed, we saw not having a bathroom was the least of our worries.There's no wind of our worries.There was no water on the bus.Hell, my little brother ended up being the DJ.
01:30:09Oh my God.It's a wing-tasting bus.Look, they're taking shots on the bus.And they got no bathroom.And they got no bathroom.On that tiny bus.After just eating vinegar fucking hot wings all day.Yeah, we was on a bus with the scammer.
01:30:27This nigga even drank all of our alcohol.He didn't put in alcohol.Is that how they said?Blake was so lit.At one point, he was gyrating in women's faces on the bus.Before we even got off the bus, he changed the departure time.He even joked that he wasn't coming back with us.And not a wing.
01:30:48ticket was given. We had to buyour own wings, y'all. Thiswas a mess. What thehell is it? Yeah.It's finest. We had funso they fell for these AI generated flyers.And just like he said,he did not come back. He stopped
01:31:04answering calls. The bus driverdisappeared? Yeah.I was just happy that the buswas here and we still waitedabout 20 minutes for Captain Blaketo show up. Only four more hourstill I'm home or so up.thought.
01:31:19I don't know if y'all can see it, but our bus isa small.The bus caught on fire?Wow.Man.You don't want to go here.This is Black Girl TV 1.Yeah, the other.
01:31:37Other one was taken.Black Girl TV 1.Oh, is that it?That was it.So in this last clip isthis guy's bugging.This is a proper bugger.out. Oh yeah.
01:31:52There's a homeless guy.Yeah.He's screaming.Man.Trying to rip his face off.Trying to rip his own head off.Yeah.And where is this?
01:32:12It's in L.A., obviously.I've seen so many people like this when I put posters up and I just laugh at it.Yeah.It's sick to laugh at, I'm sure.And what else are you going to do?Yeah, he's getting his ass whooped by a don't cross the street sign.He's like Fight Club.Yeah.
01:32:30Look at it.Like he walks past it and then just fucking loses it.He was talking to him in code.Is he trying to pull his teeth out?I think so.With my luck, it's always like,that's always right when I'm at the stoplight.I see this shit happening.
01:32:52I'm like, well, I can't sit here and watch those because then they're going to observe me.Yeah.Yeah, you don't want to be sucked in.I don't want it to run this red light and get T-Boh over some asshole going to can of it.Like, how does it happen?It's like going to a comedy show.You don't want to like, you don't want them to notice you because they don't make fun of you.Just like with bums.
01:33:13Just like with bums, man.You don't want to look away like, ha-ha-ha-ha.Once they recognize you're an entity in their world, it's game over for you.Yeah.You're in trouble.All right.Is that it?That was it.
01:33:25Yeah, that's it.Yeah, that's it.All right.See you guys.See everybody.
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