The Digression Sessions - Ep. 103 - D. Heff (I'm Important 66)

Episode Date: January 3, 2014

Come see us do some live stand up and improv! DigressionSessions.com/Calendar And follow us on Twitter! @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 @DigSeshPod @DHeff84 Hola DigHeads! This week, we welcome Josh���s longtime pal, Daniel Heffner onto the show for a birthday discussion. And we do a swift 103nd show anniversary commentary over the long-sought after, yet never released, famed first Dig Sesh episode. Nonetheless, this was a super fun episode and Daniel is a great guest! Josh and Mike were going to do a solo ep, but Daniel was in town for his birthday and he was nice enough to sit down with them Dig Sesh boys. We discuss Daniel’s fashion life as he’s recently discovered the secrets to staying hip via an online stylist. And Daniel reveals himself as one of the top-ranked poker players in the world (in the top 1000!). And than we attempt an experimental, unprecedented podcasting commentary track…briefly. Hope this ep finds you well in the new year, DigHeads! Please do us a solid and give us a positive iTunes review. Plus pick up the latest Skeptic Magazine and Atomic Books, Barnes and Noble, etc., Mike’s column on Satanism is within! Oh and did we mention we finally gave in to public demand and put a “Donate” button on the webpage? You’re welcome everybody! Seriously though thanks for all the support in 2013 DigHeads, we look forward to another year of laughter, love, and living our dreams!    

What was the line? I love ya! Uh, it is, uh, the digression sessions. Yeah, the digression sessions. Not your grandpa's third favorite podcast. In Baltimore. In Baltimore. The digression sessions.

Not your grandpa's third favorite podcast. In. In. Baltimore. Baltimore. In. I'm sorry. In.

En Español. Por. I'm sorry. In. En Español. Por Fútbol. Okay. Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey everybody, I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to The Degression Sessions Podcast, a Baltimore-based comedy talk show

hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers. Join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians, writers, musicians, and anyone else we find creative and interesting. Yes. Who's the guest this week? My friend Daniel.

My friend Daniel. He's the guest on this week's podcast. Yeah. That's right my good friend longtime friend and possibly lover uh daniel is on the the podcast this week uh this this episode was just gonna be mike and i just hanging out doing one of our our uh our joyous solo episodes but uh the day that we recorded, it was Daniel's birthday, and he was in town, and him and I got dinner for his birthday and celebrated. And then he was hanging out after.

I was like, why don't you just stay for the episode? So we hung out, and we just had ourselves a nice chat, kind of catching up, going down memory lane, and discussing some current events, Christmas and all that stuff. Speaking of, hopefully you guys had a really good holiday season and Happy New Year to all those that are listening. Thank you so much for listening in 2013. And we appreciate all the support you guys give us. So I hope you guys have a good year.

We're starting the podcast off our 2014 podcast era. I think this is a good app. This is like a fun kind of relaxed app. And we talked to Daniel, like I said, about stuff like him and I growing up, some stories, stuff that he's up to now. And of course, he is one of the top-ranked poker players in the world. And I forgot to bring it up until, like, I don't know, almost 10 minutes left in the podcast. So Daniel's a super funny guy, super interesting guy. And we're happy to have him on the podcast. And he built our website for us.

And he's a really good dude. You can follow him on Twitter, at Dheff84, H-E-F-F-84. As far as Dignation goes, your favorite pair of earbuds, me, Josh, Cotton Candy, Kaderna, and the other half of your favorite pair of earbuds, Mr. Mike, Tugboat Moran. We got some shows coming up. If you guys are listening to this, the day that this drops, January 3rd, we have a show at the Meadowmill Theater in Hamden, Baltimore tonight, eight o'clock. This is the Baltimore Improv Group's mashup show. We have three standups, three troupes. We're going to have a standup go up up do their set

and then we're gonna improvise off of that based off of their set it's gonna be a lot of fun we have a really funny isaac hirsch will be doing stand-up umar khan and ben o'brien will be doing stand-up and it's eight o'clock please come on out super fun uh the address for the show is at digressionsessions.com slash calendar. And I'll be doing a show at the same venue at the Meadow Mill Theater on Saturday, January 4th. I'll be with my improv troupe, Gus. And then improv troupe from D.C. is coming up called The Score. And they're really funny. It's going to be an awesome show.

So please come out to that. There's going to be a lot of plugging here, guys. A lot of stuff going on in this intro, but it's all good stuff. Also, on our website, we have a donate button now. So if you guys want to donate, doesn't matter what it is, 50 cents, a dollar, whatever, it's much appreciated. That would help going for paying for uh all of our equipment and uh hosting services and all that stuff we really appreciate it and if you donate anything we'll send you out some stickers because we got a bunch of stickers laying around and we'd love to send them out to you guys and we'll have some new shirts available soon too uh okay and continue with the plugging uh mr mike moran he is in skeptic magazine again and it's available online as well as in stores, hard covers, a magazine,

a real tangible thing in your hands. You can go to Atomic Books here in Hamden, Baltimore, or Barnes & Noble at your local Barnes & Noble all over this great country. And it's also available at skepticmagazine.com. So kudos to Mike. He's killing it. He's a fantastic writer. And before the plugs end, one more thing, one more momentous occasion. Today, January 3rd, another Mike has a momentous occasion. Mr. Mike Fonazzo is dropping another album today for free. That's right. Mike Fonazo is dropping another album today for free. That's right.

Mike and I have been working on this album. We recorded it a little while ago at Sean Boland's. Had a great Color Me Funny show there. And this is Mike's second album. It is called The Cheery Side of Denial. I helped produce it. And I'm really excited about it and excited for people to hear it and proud of it. It's a really great album.

Mr. Mike Fonazo has decided to give it away for free, or you can donate whatever you want. You can go to his website, thatmikefonazo.com, and get the album for free. It's thatmikefonazo.com, F-I-N-A-Z-Z-O. Oh, yeah! Anyways, guys, I'm done this rambling intro we really do appreciate you listening sorry there's so much stuff to plug we got a bunch of shows coming up we would love to see you guys in

person as always go to digressionsessions.com calendar that has all of our dates listed you can follow us on twitter I'm at better robot Josh Mike is at Michael Moran10. Go listen to that new Mike Fonazo album. It's called The Cheery Side of Denial. I love it. I love it. I love it. Yeah, thatmikefonazo.com. All that stuff. Thank you so much for listening.

Happy New Year, you you guys we love you your birthday surprise is we're going to play our first you're welcome dan Daniel. Okay. Okay. I think we can hear you. Daniel, can you hear yourself? Can I hear myself? If you can hear yourself right now.

Yeah, you can hear yourself. I think so. It's all good. I can hear that. Okay, good. I feel like Daniel's name should be Roger.

I disagree. Roger? I don't think I know. Once you get a little older, I think you should be Roger. I can see you being like a young, quiet, artsy kid named Daniel.

But at some point, you're probably going to have to change your name to Roger. I'll keep it in mind, but I don't know if that's really in the cards for me. It's going to have to be if you want to be on this fucking show. Roger. Yeah, I can't picture a 65-year-old Talon. Just one of those like Dumb new names Like Kyan

Kyan Yeah Are we recording Kyan Sure there is Shit What Are we recording already

Yeah Yeah Can we start one Freaking episode without No one gave me The heads up here Jesus You were being such a dick

To our guest I'm sorry It's his birthday I'm sorry I'm sorry Daniel It's his birthday. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Daniel. I'm jealous. Can we say it's your last name? What?

Houseplant? Daniel Houseplant? You can go by my real name, Daniel Hefner. Okay, fun. Daniel Houseplant Hefner in the house. Houseplant. Houseplant. He's in the house.

Daniel was the architect of 9-11. And our website. Really? Yeah. Wow. Which one are you more proud of? I got to say the website. Yeah.

9-11, that got away. 9-11 wasn't really my finest moment. It got away from you a little bit. Got away from you. It didn't turn. That can happen with projects sometimes. It becomes not your own after a while. Especially a group project. Yeah. Uh-huh. Anyway. Got away from you. It didn't turn. That can happen with projects sometimes. It becomes not your own after a while.

Especially a group project. Yeah. Uh-huh. Anyway. Did you ever think about maybe just putting, like, Alan Smithy on there? Like, when a director disowns his own film? I don't know who that is, but. Well, it's the name they use when a director doesn't like the final result of his film. Oh, yeah.

I definitely distanced myself from the 9-11 attacks afterwards. I wasn't trying to get in trouble. Yeah. I mean, you've done like zero jail time, right? What is like the jail sentence for being part of 9-11? I'm pretty sure they can do. Is that 5 to 10? With probation.

Right. Do you get community service? Depending on good behavior. Right. You haven't planned any mass suicide attacks in a while, have you? Right. Yeah. Based on your previous record yeah like if you get like if you got like kicked out of the mall or something yeah when you're like 15 for smoking and then you were involved in 9-11 you might get

more of a serious sentence yeah so mike took the words right out of my mouth. But Daniel is a good friend of mine. Oh, yeah? Who I've known probably since I was like 12? Probably. 11? You were in middle school. I know that much. Yeah. I was in sixth grade.

You were in eighth grade. I was friends with, I think so. You were friends with eighth graders? Yeah. He was friends with Brendan. Yeah, Brendan was in eighth grade. Yeah, Brendan. Well, Brendan was kind of.

Here we go. Here we go. Dish and dirt. Let's hear Yeah, Brendan. Well, Brendan was kind of... Here we go. Here we go, dish and dirt. Let's hear it about Brendan. I don't know. Dirty Daniel, dish in the dirt. Hanging out with the youngsters, eh? Hanging out with a lot of people in my grade. He's a regular Catholic church of friends over there.

Hanging out with young boys. I don't know about going to them younger than that, but I don't know. That's not bad. I remember in 10th grade to the mat. Younger than that, but I don't know. That's not that bad. I remember in 10th grade, half of my band, 518 Translocation, was atheists. What a horrible name. Thank you. You came up with it. It's a biology class.

You sound like a train stop or something. We were originally called Fandomi Elmo. Oh. And I wanted something I could tell my parents. Yeah. Lord Abortion. Lord Abortion. Lord Abortion was a band. Wasn't that the member of some other band?

I don't know. That was... Cradle of Filth? It was a Cradle of Filth song. Oh, okay. And, yeah, we... Was that the one where we did, we did like a fake show?

Yep. And nobody else was laughing. They just thought it was serious. We did one song. It was super metal-y. And then they're like, okay. Because the rest... Super metal-y. I was the same. It was super metal-y. was serious we did one song it was super medley and then they're like okay because the rest of medley was super metal e okay what did you play uh bass i think guitar yeah okay what uh what else would it be i don't know tuba or something i played bass what's the bass cello

we basically do this for an hour and a half He knows, Daniel knows the show Apparently not if he didn't know we were recording When in doubt, we're always recording I told him I always give the guests the wink and the point Wink and point Which I did not because I wanted to see what racial slurs fly out of his mouth The old Tennessee wink and point

That's right. That's right. That'll be our guest next week. Tennessee Wink and Point. That was a good joke. I have a feeling we might get canceled. It took 103 episodes, but we made it to syndication, 100 episodes. No, Daniel and I, we were on it like 435 on PBS.

Oh, the digression sessions. Yeah, we're relegated to Zoons now. Like, instead of, what's the word? Perfect strangers. And all new digression sessions. Josh's friend Daniel's the guest. Are these pictures on the wall all guests you've had on the show? Yep.

Oh, that's cute. Yeah, Amanda did that for me. Now, let's circle back to Daniel. I remember I was friends with Daniel's younger brother, Ben. And then I was like, man, Daniel's kind of mean. You've got to watch out for him. Really? How was Daniel mean?

He had a mean streak in him. Really? At least that was my perception. Did you go nuts in art class once and throw somebody's sculpture against the wall? No, not quite like that. I did some other mean shit. Like what? One time I burned a girl's backpack.

I don't know. That's one thing that comes to mind. Did you get in trouble for that? I didn't even know about that. I won't say her name. I don't know. We were drinking in some thing down Matta Peak, and I had her book bag in the back of back of my car and i didn't like her so we just lit it on fire to keep us warm wow what other shit i don't know story checks out well that's why was your backpack in your car

you weren't drinking in seventh grade though no but that was in high school yeah okay now it's about middle school all right what what was i doing in middle well i just remember um when i was hanging out with ben and of course ben lives in the middle? Well, I just remember when I was hanging out with Ben, and of course Ben lives in the same house as Daniel. Of course. Right? And their rooms were connected by a door, sort of like how some hotel rooms have a door that's shared.

You know what I mean? You know what I'm talking about? Like in between rooms. Why would you have that in your room? They built my bedroom as an addition to the house. Okay, so it wasn't like there was another door to the hallway. No, I mean, there was another way out of the room. Yeah, no, but that door, yeah, I guess that door used to go to the outside,

but Daniel's room was an addition. So you could kind of hear in the rooms, and I was staying there on a Saturday night, and then Sunday they were going to church, as most of my friends did. You know, Sunday morning you had to go to church as a good young Christian man. Right. I think I know where this story's going. I hear Ben and Daniel's dad go into Daniel's room, and he's like,

Dan, get up. It's time for church. You got to get up. He's like, no. He's like, come on, Dan, get up. He's like, no. He's like, Dan, I'm not telling you. He's like, you and Jesus could, get up. He's like, no. He's like, Dan, I'm not telling you. He's like, you and Jesus could suck my dick.

Nuh-uh. I mean. You said that? I never really cared much for the church. I never have. It doesn't sound like it. It's not even just that I'm atheist. I kind of just don't like religion.

Right. So you're anti-theist. A little bit of both, yeah. But I just remember like, holy shit. Well, I mean, my grandfather's pastor, my uncle's pastor, like my whole mom's side of the family is very religious. I just kind of always saw through the bullshit, and I just got tired of it. You saw through the bullshit and realized that Mormonism was the one true version of Christianity.

I mean, when they don't take no for an answer, you just start saying, you know, you're a 12-year-old boy, and you hate your parents. That was just amazing. I would never imagine saying that to a baby. What was your reaction? Shock or laughter? Both. It was more like, Jesus Christ.

I'm pretty sure I got in trouble for that, too. I think so, too. I bet you got like 300 years in hell for that. You don't even know yet. I don't even think you really got in much trouble. Your dad was just like, come on. That was it. So your parents were weak pushovers that allowed you to walk all over them and their faith.

A little bit. A little bit. Nice people, Jim and Kim. Nice, nice people. Jim and Kim. And, yeah. I'm being really mean to Daniel. Yeah, you've been a dick to him this whole fucking time.

It's okay. Anyway. Yeah, so it was stuff like that where I was like, oh, Daniel's got a mean streak in him. But he's a tech. Oh, Sunday morning at 7 a.m., I don't want to get up for no Jesus. Right. But telling your dad he could suck your dick.

Yeah, even if you left Jesus out of it. Right, that's what I'm saying. I don't know. That's one thing I've never in my absolute worst ever said to my parents. But I may have said

the rough equivalents here and there. And I remember Daniel got suspended from middle school because on one of his book covers he wrote some

corn lyrics. He wrote the lyrics you could suck my dick and fucking like it some girl saw that I got in trouble yeah and I was like ooh

mean streak got a mean streak in a while yeah what textbook was it English class I think I don't know it was middle school

yeah I don't know they give us like the standard book covers with the school like logo and all that stuff yeah

what like over the covers? Yeah, a book cover. No, no, no. Okay, so you've got your standard book cover that all books have. Yes. But it has your school's logo on it? Yeah, there's another paper one that you've got to put over. Okay, so it's a book cover cover.

Yes. I guess. Isn't the book cover there so you don't damage the book? Why do you need a book cover cover? Because you're damaging the cover. Because it's young kids and they trash the school stuff. Yeah. Instead of writing on it.

Yeah. Suck my dick and fucking like it on the actual book cover. Put it on this paper. Were you allowed to write on your cover? Was it just the content that was controversial? I'm pretty sure it was just the content. They ignore the content. They're like like but the writing

i'm going to murder everyone at this school this spelling is atrocious these kids and jesus could suck my dick i quit and uh and then eventually we became friends we became friends with i have uh uh yeah yeah um i have two moles on my stomach I remember Daniel wanted to cut those off one time I don't remember that one I was scared I was like no I don't want to cut them I remember one time we were out on the pier and Ben threw a jellyfish

at your face or was that Shane no he threw it at me jellyfish in the face they had the jellyfish in the face and then he had to pee on it to get rid of the stings Yeah And then it only got more sexy from there Right

That's a myth Everything's a myth with you Catholics rape just as much as everybody else rapes Jellyfish and pee's a myth The moon's not real. No, it's just not. What if I told you that? Like, no, seriously, go look.

There's nothing. It's just a fucking myth, man. It's just perpetuated by, and then you go outside and there's no moon. You're like, oh, my God. My whole life's a lie. A lie. Yeah, Daniel had a pier, and the Chesapeake Bay was right in his backyard, so he'd do all kinds of water stuff all the time. Dirty water, dirty fighter.

We used to wrestle. Oh, that was a lot of fun. We rode your bike off the pier. Oh, that sounds fun. But, yeah. Do we still do that? Do your parents still live there? They still do live there, but I don't know.

Yeah, that was scary. The water's pretty gross, actually. Yeah. Especially nowadays. Mm-hmm. That bay's pretty much dead. But, yeah. It's gross. there but I don't know yeah it was scary but it was pretty gross actually yeah especially nowadays that bay is pretty much dead but yeah um there was a jellyfish just kind of floating there and Ben picked it up and he threw it at my face wow for no reason for no reason and then he's like oh I didn't think I was like what do you mean you didn't think you threw it out my face did it explode no like well like a tentacle just like and it's stuck there yeah it's a fucking jellyfish it's stuck there like a facehugger an alien

exactly was it in your mouth like a ball gag like wrapped around your head can you imagine being stung in your no no i got stung by a wasp on my tongue. Really? I can still feel it when it gets hot out. How did that work? Funny story. Now is not the time for one of those. I briefly went to Parkville High School.

And while lunching in the center court that's outside somehow, even though it's in the middle, we were discussing bee stings. Sure. And as we were discussing them, a wasp came down while I was drinking apple juice and stung me on the old clit flicker. I'm sorry. You call your tongue what? It sounded like you called your tongue a clit flicker. Oh, yeah.

A clit flicker. Oh, yeah, a clit flicker. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah. And it just flew right in your mouth. Just flew on in? I think I, like, killed it with my mouth or something. You just chopped down on it?

I spit it out. Ugh. Yeah, I spit it out. I can remember seeing it. Would your tongue get all, like, huge and pussy? Yeah, not huge, but... Did you get a big old pussy on that thing? Yeah.

It's seen more pussy since then. Huh? Clicking? Clicking. Daniel? Yeah. It wasn't... It swelled up.

It wasn't, like, ridiculous or anything. Okay. But I'm pretty sure the stinger's still in there. That is a funny story. Preserved. In there? I don't thinkinger's still in there. That is a funny story. Preserved. In there? I don't think so. I think so. That's a myth. So if in like a million years they want to

clone my DNA, they could also clone a wasp. Wouldn't the acids in your mouth or whatever make it dissolve or something? I don't know. Great point. Great point. I don't know, but there's something in there. I mean, maybe it's not the actual stinger. Maybe it's like scar tissue from it.

Yeah. There's something wrong, and it's always the same spot. Let's see it. Put that tongue out. Let me see that clit flicker. I don't see it. Where is it? Underneath?

What? Oh, I don't see it. You should go to a doctor. Anybody at home? For those listening, where do you think it is on Mike's tongue? So anyway, I think I'm just going to have my whole tongue removed. Okay, cool, man. Yeah, it just gets in the way anyway, you know, of the podcast.

I'm chomping stuff down. But it is Daniel's birthday. Happy birthday to me. 29 years young. 29. 29 and looking fine. Thank you. We went out to dinner for his birthday.

How was it? His Mexican place of his choosing. Where was it? It was somewhere in Baltimore. It was like... That doesn't sound like it was his choosing at all. It was called Cinco de Mayo. Cinco de Mayo. Number two, actually.

Cinco de Mayo two. That's pretty good. More like, that's what it makes you do when you're done eating it. Sing. King of comedy over there. Go number two. Poop. Dan's like, why am I here?

Why am I here? I'm not a comedy guy. You are. You're a funny man. What is that supposed to mean? What? He's not a comedy guy? I don't do this for a living. Yeah. Me either. Well, you know what I mean. You're a funny man. What is that supposed to mean? He's not a comedy guy?

I don't do this for a living. You know what I mean. No, I don't know what you mean, Daniel. This is where we get serious. Speaking of serious, how are you? How have you been? I can't complain.

I probably could, but no one wants to hear complaining. That's way different than not being able to complain. Yeah, true. Yeah, this isn't communist Russia. I got some stuff going on. Okay. Just work all the time. Okay. Can we talk about your stylist?

Sure. Do you have a stylist? I feel like this is going to knock your dick in the dirt, what he's doing. I went through this service online to get a personal stylist. A personal stylist. Well, yeah. Okay. So, like, I won't lean in closer to that. Oh, sure. A personal stylist. Well, yeah. Okay. So, like, I won't.

Can you lean in closer to that? Oh, sure. There you go. I, like, put my mouth on it like this. Yeah, you can do that. Yeah. Get confessional. But it's, like, a website where you pick.

Like, it gives you, like, three pictures of guys wearing different, from, like, very nice to, like, a nice casual. Right. And you pick one of those three. So, it's from very nice to nice casual? Well, there's, like, there's three pictures of guys, right? What's in the middle of that? I don't know, like business casual. Nice, schlubby guy.

But then it drilled down on that, and it's like, okay, here's six pictures of guys wearing different outfits of that genre. Which one of these would you wear? And then you put in your measurements, and then it gives you a list of brands. It's like, do you shop at any of these already? After that, it assigns a person to you, and then she you or she or i guess it's usually a woman i don't know i got a woman she called me a couple hours later we talked for a little bit i was just like

and we were just like what what are you looking for i'm just like uh you know i'm a pothead i just lazy i wear hoodies and t-shirts and jeans. I want to look a little bit nicer. I've got money to waste. I love that. I'm a pothead software engineer. What can you do for me? They pick clothes out for you. We went over some more stuff about what I do and don't like in colors. They send you a trunk in the mail.

What did you say about Asian people? Not those kind of people. I was like, I don't like bright colors or orange. Don't send me an orange t-shirt. I thought you guys were getting into race relations. Right. Don't send you an orange t-shirt. I apologize.

I'm listening over Mike's racist jokes. What are you talking about? You heard me. You fucking nigger. All right, so they send you. Oh, yeah. Anyways, they send you stuff, and it's a prepaid package to send it back, and you pay for what you keep. It's been pretty good.

Okay. So it's just clothing. They're not working on the hair or anything like that. Daniel, pull that thing closer to you. Now you're getting all insecure, like I'm insulting your hairstyle, which I'm not. No, my hair's good. I wouldn't take your opinion on hairstyles. What?

I don't know. I'd have a stylist for that too really i mean it's a guy i go he does my hair like this is the same guy but right he's a stylist i guess it's like technically it is his job right that doesn't mean you're just because you cut hair though he's a hairstylist it's his profession he styles it He doesn't just cut it. Right. Don't disparage his stylist. Shout out to AC. Big ups to AC. Slater? Yep. I don't know his last name.

No, I have a guy that I usually go to at the hair cuttery. Okay. Now, I feel like you would have been more blown away by this sending of the clothes personal stylist thing. Because when I told you I go to the dry cleaner, you were like, what? What does that cost? Like a million dollars? I just feel like fashion's a weird thing with you. Yeah, it kind of is.

It kind of is. But I'm actually, the last few weeks, I've been trying to sell out a little more. What does that mean? What does that mean? You wore green instead of black? No, I've just been plotting how

I can at least appear to be a real comedian on stage. What are we talking? A sport jacket pushed up sleeves? I don't know. A Hawaiian shirt with a bow tie. We were just talking about earlier, wearing what you like and feels good.

It raises your confidence and everything. I think it does. I earlier, wearing what you like and feels good, you know, it raises your confidence and everything. I think it does. But, yeah, I don't know what I like, though. Well, maybe you need a stylist to help you. A trunk club, dog. I decided I definitely don't like worrying about that stuff. But perhaps if I were to find something, I would feel better in it. Yeah.

See, yeah, I don't think you want to worry about it. That's what the stylist is for. She worries about it. Yeah. How much is this. She worries about it. How much is this trunk club? Is it expensive? It's pretty expensive. I mean, I've probably spent like $1,200 over like seven items.

Wow. Wait, seven items? Is that what you said? Or like seven shipments of stuff. No, I've gotten two trunks. Damn. Wow. Yeah, but you just send back the stuff you don't want. They have black t-shirts.

I'm sure they could get you black t-shirts I don't know but it's been nice casual sweaters seriously I think it took me maybe 10 years to realize what kind of black t-shirt I should buy are you fucking kidding

yeah what no no I'm not almost that long probably what do you mean i remember like a few years ago this girl being like you always you buy like these ones that are like loose at the bottom like oh okay i thought you meant like cotton or polyester kind of that too actually okay yeah okay yeah i didn't realize which ones were like itchy on my skin and which ones weren't oh yeah i hate a t-shirt that has a loose neck. Me too. Don't like that.

I kind of like to cover my entire body as much as possible. I don't think you should. Except for my calves. Show those things off. Those bad boys, I will flash any time, any day. The Pat and Moran calf flash. I've seen a lot of those. Sexay.

Mike's calf's gone wild. Sex-ay. It's the only sexy part of my body. I do have a pretty good penis, though, I have to admit. Oh, really? I am fairly proud of that. What are we talking? What are we talking?

Girth? Is it girthy? Twelve and a half-er. Really? And girth. Wow. No, but it is. You have a paint can down there.

No, but I have a decent, decent peter. Okay. Okay. Mine's all right. Daniel has your penis. Wait. No, but I have a decent Peter. Okay, okay. Mine's all right. Daniel has your penis. Wait, wait, wait. What's wrong with your penis? Could be better, right?

No, it's fine. Yeah, mine's fine, too. No one's ever complained about it. Yeah, I haven't heard complaints. No one's filed a complaint. No one's going on a comment card. Who can I talk to about this? I'd like to talk to your mom, please. Can you get her on the horn?

Fill out some paperwork, please. No, yeah. Well, happy birthday, Daniel. Happy birthday. Thanks for coming by. Because I don't see you that often, but the Digression Sessions website was done by the lovely and talented Daniel Heffner.

Oh, yeah. It's all good. And I remember when you were working on that, you're like, I do this for a living, so the last thing I want to do when I go home is do this. Well, I was trying to talk you out of it, kind of. Like, asking me. I don't know. I think it's great, though. I'm really glad you did it.

I think it's great that we made you suffer. I paid him for his work. Handsomely. Blow jobs. And Daniel and I, we used to hang out a lot we used to pogo stick together really yep you know what i actually found recently oh really i've had a you know a bunch of pictures like from an old computer that i was going through recently oh nice i found pictures of shane looking effeminate and actually my dad found a video camera that was down in the basement right and it doesn't work i tried to get it to like restart back up but the tape

that came with it Oh tape that came with it on that the label it says Shane as Priscilla I don't know you probably don't know Priscilla which she was a girl I dated in high she's a bit of an overdramatic scene stir I would get I would at the time big time yeah but anyways it was funny our small friend yeah well he's a smaller guy he was a smaller guy

but it was funny to see dressed up yeah when I I think I was broken up with her it was one of those things it was like

he was basically cosplaying a girl in high school yeah and she had she had this giant tattoo on the bottom of her back that said

wild hearts encounter something it was like what yeah in high school yeah She had this giant tattoo on the bottom of her back that said, Wild Hearts Encounter something. It was like... What? In high school? Yeah. It was like an Angelina Jolie quote, and her hair was like red. An Angelina Jolie quote? I think so.

A quote by the great Angelina Jolie. Did it have her name at the end? No. No. And then the year that she said it? No. No. Like the year of her life.

1975 to blank. To blank. Oh, God. What was I about to say? Oh. Yeah. Why do we get pogo sticks in the first place? I don't know.

We were bored one day and we were in Annapolis and we went to Toys R Us. That was like the only thing entertaining there. Yeah. Wow. We used to do tricks. Jumping off my van. We would jump the only thing entertaining there. Yeah. Wow. We used to do tricks jumping off my van. We would jump off of his van on a pogo stick.

Jesus Christ. Yeah. How did you not kill yourself? Because we're good. We were good pogoers. We landed on the sidewalk. Are you serious? The bones of our enemies.

You would jump all the way off of the van and land on a sidewalk. Well, it wasn't a sidewalk. It was like Blacktop. Yeah, the street. Yeah. Jesus Christ. No big deal. Wow. You couldn't a sidewalk. It was like Blacktop. Jesus Christ.

No big deal. You couldn't pay me $2,000 to do that right now. We did all sorts of tricks. We were pretty cool. We pogo-sticked into a lot of pussy. No, we didn't. A little bit.

We're modest about it. We pogo-sticked into some pussy. Here and now and again yeah nincompoop no no no oh yeah that girl

that word has come and poop in it I just realized that big time oh it made me think on over Christmas we played apples to apples

at my aunt and uncle's house. It was me and my aunt, my two cousins, and Amanda. And we were trying to do like with Apples to Apples. Have you ever played it? Yes. Yeah, you have the subject and you're supposed to put a card down that you think is funny. And my aunt, she was the best because she was just so sincere with all of her stuff. One of the subjects was marvelous and I put down sushi.

She's like, sushi is marvelous. Yeah, I'll take that. All the stuff that she was playing, she was super honest. That's funny. I do enjoy skiing. That's good. That's really good. Every get together, every adult get together I go to, the apples to apples is presented

as an option. I always forget what it is every single time. All I can picture is like that cherry game from when we were little where you put the cherries in baskets.

I kind of remember that I think. Maybe that was an 80s thing. Maybe. Maybe that went the way of the glam metal bands.

That's what they all used to do. Let's see. Wouldn't it be weird if there was like a weird board game trend that coincided with the grunge era

that I wasn't aware of? What app? What did you say?ided with the grunge era that i wasn't aware of what app what did you say what the grungier app no wait what i didn't say anything about an app oh it just turns everything into like something from 1993 i missed something there. No, I said, what did I say? The grunge era. The grunge era. Grunge era. Grunge era. Let's see here. So, yeah, Daniel, thanks for being here.

Yeah, I'm trying to see. Should we go over the first episode? You guys want to do that? You guys want to listen to the first episode? Sure. How long is it? It's 50 minutes.? You guys want to listen to the first episode? Sure. How long is it? It's 50 minutes. We don't have to listen to all of it.

Did you highlight the good parts? No. Did you bookmark it? No, I did not. Let's see. Anything to talk about? Any other stories you want to reveal? I mean, I'm sure I got stories, but nothing comes to the forefront of my head.

We probably should have talked about it beforehand so we could get into it. But then it wouldn't be fresh. Well, you know, it could work. It could work. No. Who wants to? That would require doing something. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, it's a no. Yeah, let's see. Okay. All right. Well, we'll listen to some of this first podcast. All right. Let's do it. All right.

We'll be right back. Oh, this is going to be embarrassing. I don't think so. Maybe. Has this been released yet? No. Is this back when I... No, this is going to be embarrassing. I don't think so. Has this been released yet? No, this is the first episode. Back when you what? Had a lisp? Yeah.

This is before I got my braces taken out. All right, we'll be right back with that first episode. My voice changed. All right, this is the first podcast. This is back when I used to make music in the beginning. This is the original? Yeah. Yep.

What? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We're starting. Party people. About to get buck wild in here. I used to say that a lot before there was a Buckwild TV show.

What's the Buckwild TV show? There's a show on MTV called Buckwild, isn't there? About like West Virginians. Oh, I don't know. I have no idea. What was that groaning? That's me. This is going to get really confusing. We don't sound any different.

Okay, so this is us now. This is the podcast. So, Mike, I understand your dad almost got killed by a coyote. No, no. It was several bears and a deer. It's hard to hear that. Mike, if we're going to do this, I'm going to need you to tell the truth on this podcast. Is that a Bible I see right there?

That is it. That is it. The King James. Oh, King James. That that a Bible I see right there? That is it. That is it. The King James. Oh, King James. That's the version I have. So first off, it doesn't seem like anything's changed. Yeah, I was hoping.

I was kind of hoping to be like, oh, wow, we're so much funnier now. Nope, nothing's changed. Pretty much exactly the same. Nothing's changed. Right. Yeah, not much of a King James guy. Well, six billion other people are.

Six billion people. There's seven and a half billion people on Earth, Josh. I doubt six billion of them are Christians. Well, unfortunately, all the Chinese are going to die. Okay. Don't talk over yourself, all right? All right, I'm sorry. There's probably seven and a half billion people on the planet.

What do you want me to tell you? That's completely inaccurate. There's maybe a billion Christians on Earth. See, this is still Mike still doing it like, no. Hey, I'm just trying to be me. You don't want me? Fucking get finazzo. You don't want?

That's Mike Moran sounding like every 17-year-old girl in America. Hey, you don't like me? Then whatever. Take me as I am. I'm going to be me. Okay. You're just jealous. I don't know how to do anything else.

But be me. But be myself. Okay. Really? It is the biggest religion, apparently. It's all good. I'm fine with that. Good sound.

Why do I have a little bit more? You know why? Josh scrambles to stop it. What? It's funny how you keep scrambling to stop it. But why do I now have more of a southern accent than I did then? Do you have a southern accent? Was that it with an exclamation point or a question mark?

I don't know. I've never noticed. It sounded like a question mark. Yeah, thank you. Now, the last few episodes, I've been thinking that my voice sounds a little twangy. I don't know. I've never noticed. It sounded like a question mark. Yeah, thank you. Now, the last few episodes, I've been thinking that my voice sounds a little twangy. I don't know. Are you not originally from this area?

I grew up in Virginia. So that seems like you would have more of a southern accent there, I guess, right? Yeah, right. Also the way you always talk about... Yeah, exactly. I was born in North Carolina. Oh, there you go. Come on and raise up.

You took your shirt off and twisted it around your head like a helicopter, yes? Just like one, yeah. Okay. You know who needs to learn how to follow the ways of Jesus and turn the other cheek? Who? God. Really? Really?

It's been, biblically speaking, a good 6,000 years since that whole tiff with Satan. Get over it. Really? The guy makes one mistake. I know. I mean, what has he done since then? Who is God to judge? I concur.

I mean, why did he just make all this, you know, this is so his great creation just to smite everything. Uh-oh. Angry God. God just came down. Somebody's been smoted, but it's. Here we go. Sorry. Wow.

Are you back? We've gotten so much better. Hold on. I remember this. We just got to hear like, are you better? You make the funniest noise. Hold on. I remember this. We just got to hear, like, are you better? You make the funniest noise. Hold on.

I got to. All right. Oh, shit, I went past it. 20 years of digressions. A retrospective. Josh and I are wearing

like tuxedos. Are you back? And Mike's like, oh, did you hear that? Are you back? Oh, so this, this wasn't, oh, are you back? So this wasn't this wasn't from last summer when I was like being suffocated every night by poison.

Yeah, this was a couple of years ago. Had to be. I just love that noise. Sorry. Are you back? Oh, I might say, oh yeah. What was that, a burp? I don't know. It's like stopped halfway through. Like I'm capturing something. Yeah, you're trying to convey that you're okay. You all right? Yeah, I feel good.

All right, he's okay. He's okay, everybody. All right. He's okay. He's okay, everybody. All right. Sorry. Jesus. Should I press the stop button? You all right? Should we start over?

Sorry. Oh, man. No religious talk with this guy. So this is like a third me just hacking out my lungs. Probably. Well, we're two minutes and 52 seconds in. Was I sick or something? No.

Is there a guest on this episode? No, it's just Mike and I trying to figure out what the fuck. Dan's like, oh, good. It's you guys. So this is what this is? I don't think we're going to listen to the entire episode. Anybody that's still listening now, you know why we didn't release the first one.

It was a test run. I think our friendship was new at that point. Our friendship was not as rocky as it is now. A little rocky. A little rocky. Not really.

Let's see. You got a puke? No, I just need some water. Did you hit the bong too hard, bro? All right. We're back. I think Mike's feeling okay. Yeah.

Sorry. Maybe we should insert a commercial. Didn't Mike store... Maybe first row lozenges. I swear to God this happened. On the first episode he was on, he went to the refrigerator. He got a jar of mayonnaise. He put tinfoil inside the jar.

No. And started spitting his dip into it. No. No. He went in the trash. And there was a Cool Whip container in the trash and there was a Cool Whip container in the trash. He was trying to make a motion

like, oh, is it okay if I drink this? He was pointing to his mouth and the Cool Whip thing. You mind if I spit in this? I didn't know he had dip. I was like, what the fuck are you doing in my trash? He proceeded to spit in a Cool Whip container. I think I didn't realize that it was in the trash.

I thought he just took it out of the refrigerator. It might have been from the fridge, but I hope that it was probably in the trash. And for some reason in my mind, I retconned it that he filled it with tinfoil so that he wouldn't be intruding. No. He would still wrap it up and throw it away. No. This is why witness testimony is no good. You're just making stuff up.

And then he punched your mom? Do you remember that? He punched your mom in the face. All right, so that was three minutes of the first episode. Three golden minutes. If that's just getting started, I can't imagine what are those old Dig Sesh boys up to now. Should we listen to more? Sure, a little bit more.

A little bit more. Daniel, are you having a good time? Having a great time over here. This is going to be a hard birthday to top when you hit the big 3-0 next year, right? Yeah. We'll have you back. We'll worry about that one. Maybe we'll listen to this episode and do a commentary on it.

It'll be the most meta episode ever. Triple meta. Three layers. Daniel, how are you feeling? Okay. This is our Jesus. Meta episode ever. Triple meta. Three layers. How are you feeling? Okay. Jesus or Jesus? What about Jesus lozenges? Oh, is this where you come up with the Leviathan?

Or what is it? The commercials you had in the first few episodes? Maybe, yeah. Not Leviathan. What is it? Leviticus. Leviticus. Leviathan's Final Fantasy.

You remember we came up with the idea of we're going to do a commercial for... Starcraft. Daniel, shut the fuck up over there. I'm thinking. You think inside. Use your brain to think. Wafers. Communion wafers.

Yeah. Remember we were going to have different wafers. The commercial. Crucified. I feel like Jim Meyer actually I think has almost the same joke. Yeah. Well, we came to it independently. Is Jim Meyer famous?

Local comedian. Yeah. He's on the wall over there. Oh, he's on the wall. He's open for Doug Stanhope and peoples. Which one is he? Bottom right. Very bottom right.

Yep. Okay. Yep. Yeah. We got to, I think we need to put something on the walls because every single podcast bottom right very bottom right yep okay yep yeah we gotta I think we need to put something on the walls because every single podcast is that our girl

Gwen Danger that is that's Gwen Derringer Derringer yes Jen Tisdale you're a Jen Tisdale fan I remember you

back in the day I liked the one episode that I listened to but then I heard the second one and she was like talking about how it was like poop in her pants or something and I was like

ah you didn't like the poop in your I feel like that was she was talking about how it was like poop in her pants or something. And I was like, ah. You didn't like the poop in your pants? I feel like that was when we hit our... That was when the dig sesh really took off. That's the retrospective. That was the one that people were talking to me about. And then Jen admitted pooping her pants. And the dig sesh hit their stride.

I don't really feel like listening to this anymore. I don't really want to hear a girl talk about poop in her pants. That was the first one that people seemed to actually pay attention. I don't know. It was funny because Daniel was like, man, that girl's kind of hot. She's funny. And then the next episode, you're like, I'm not into her so much. She actually came up.

Well, I'm into the online dating. She came up on one of my. I told you about this, right? No. Oh, I think. She came up on my recommended. You should meet this person. I was like, no.

No. I don't know. She's older than me. I have a two-year older than me limit. There we go. Hello. Okay, so two old. Two up, three down.

Come on. Two up, three down. I wish I got that much attention that I could make decisions like that. Right, right. I don't know. You couldn't just accept everybody who comes in. Right.

I mean, it's, okay, so I'm not, like, strict in that, but when I go on online dating and I look for matches or whatever, that's the criteria I put in. Right, right. Criterion collection. What are you doing? I'm looking at girls at the fucking wherever, you know, I'll take whatever. Yeah, you're on this Tinder. I do have Tinder. Tinder's kind of a jerk.

How's that going? You getting any blowjobs in the parking lot? You get matches, but like. Wait, what is Tinder? Is that just to go out and do it? Okay, so it's like hot or not, but like it integrates with your Facebook, and then it gets your GPS location and finds other Tinder users in that, in X radius.

And you guys can get together in X radius. Well, no, what you do is you either say yes or no, and if they say yes to you too, then it says, oh, you made a match. And then you can chat with them. Oh. But everybody I make matches with, either they don't respond or I don't respond to them because I don't remember actually saying yes to this person. Or the ones that I do talk to, like nothing pans out.

Uh-huh. Yeah. I feel like no one really takes it seriously. But. Okay. I mean, you can only take online dating so seriously. Yeah, I do. I don't know. It's a big thing these days a lot of people have met it's a big thing i'm not saying that but like you can't get all uh you become a jewish grandmother i don't know i mean daniel there's a lot out there you

could be online yeah but like a young boy like you because you're i don't know there's a lot of boy trunk club boring people there's a lot of people who are just fucking crazy. Yeah. I've been on a few. I had a pretty good OkCupid relationship for a while. I think OkCupid's

kind of trash too. I don't know. I've had bad experiences. OkStupid? Wait. More like NoKate. Josh. It's all good.

Thank you. Yeah. What was your OkCupid name If you want to share it With the public Dude I'm not creative It's probably just like Dhef or Dhefner

Or something Was it It's better than Stupid 66 That's the only reason You asked him So you could bring that up What is it

What I created my OkCupid name As stupid 66 Without thinking Too hard about it. And I didn't realize that a lot of times people put the year of their birth. So thank you. Okay.

And I can't change it. They want me to pay to change it. It's a free online dating site. Why don't you just make a new account? Good thinking. Good thinking. You don't't you just make a new account? Good thinking. Good thinking. You don't even need to make a new email address either because you can just do your email address.

Now we're talking. And then a plus symbol and then any word you want and it'll still go to your Gmail. Really? Yeah, as long as you have Gmail. I don't have Gmail. Yeah, well, what's your Yahoo email? Stupid 60-something Yahoo.

I don't know if Yahoo is the same, but... I don't know. It's like an alias thing that you can do. Yeah. But anyways, you can use that to sign up for as many things you want. Yeah, because I don't get if Yahoo is the same, but it's like an alias thing that you can do. But anyways, you can use that to sign up for as many things you want. Yeah, because I don't get a lot of hits. I do not get a lot of hits. I love that stupid 40-something-year-old man.

Like, ladies, hello. This stupid man over here. I really didn't take it seriously when I first got on there. I put stupid answers. Yeah, you're stupid 66. But then I started getting lonely and decided to spruce things up a little bit. You just changed it to not stupid 66. Guess who's not stupid?

This guy. I'm important. 66. 66. Oh, God. what were we talking about I'm an innovator I just recently on this one site plenty of fish I put a new picture on there

a nude picture? I was looking kind of fresh and I swear within hours of putting that up there so many black girls have messaged me you must have been looking fresh Not to be It's rare that I'm attracted to A very dark skinned woman

I like brown But I don't know Most of these girls were unattractive I was just surprised You put something fresh up All black women message you out of crazy Not me You don't have these kicks When I went to BCCC they loved me You put something fresh up, all black women just message you out of crazy. No, not me. Not me.

You don't have these kicks. When I went to BCCC, they loved me, though. They love the fly shoes. Yeah. This is why Daniel gets so many hits from the black chicks. I have fly shoes, ladies. Call them kicks. Kicks.

I have fly kicks. Where does the term boo come from, Daniel? I'm not sure of its origins. I mean, maybe like boo-boo bear or something. That's what I was kind of thinking. Boo-boo bear. Like a boo-boo. Yeah.

Like an accident. You're like, you're my boo. You know? Like I knocked you up. Yeah. That's my boo-boo. Now you're my boo-boo. Oops, boo-boo.

We're having a kid. Boo-boos. Let's see here. I think we can wrap this up here. We don't need to play any more of that first podcast, do we? Nah. Nah. You know, it wasn't great, people.

Not like this gold. Not like this pure audio gold. I mean, well, you're enjoying it right now. But, I mean, when you put it up against this. Yeah. For its time, it was fine in circa 2011 or whatever it was. Yeah, back then when, like, racism and sexism was accepted. Yep.

Yep. It was a different, better time. And let's see here. Let's talk Christmas, huh? Sure. What did you get for Christmas, Josh? I got a sweater and some T-shirts and a Domino's gift card. That sounds like the worst Christmas I've ever heard of.

It was pretty good. No, Amanda and I, we set limits. We don't, like, I think we set, like, a $50 limit or something like that. I need to start imposing that upon my family members. And my family, we don't do gifts anymore because everybody's all grown up. Right. There's no real point. We do gifts, and I always feel like I'm always

being showered with things. I feel bad. I feel very weird when I'm almost 30 and my aunt's giving me $20. It's like, okay, whatever. Thank you. That's gas money. I take it. Well, yeah.

It'd be rude not to take the rug. It'd be rude not to. You keep your filthy money, huh? How about that, Aunt Jane? How was your Christmas, Daniel? It was all right. My brother got me the sweet Cyclops statue, if you're familiar with the X-Men. What if I'm not?

He didn't. You're a fucking weirdo. I don't know. You fucking weirdo? What era? The X-Men. The Magneto's on his t-shirt. I know who X-Men is.

Oh, wow. I didn-Men. And Magneto's on his t-shirt. I know who X-Men is. Oh, wow. I didn't realize that was Magneto. What era of Cyclops are we talking here? I think it was mid-90s. I jumped into the X-Men train when he had hair. That sounds dangerous. He's blue and the yellow thing. Like from the X-Men animated series.

That's what I picture. That was early 90s. That was when I got involved. I think that looked premiered with the birth of X-Men, like the comic that was just called X-Men. Yes, that's about right. I believe so. Oh, my Christmas.

I don't remember asking. Go ahead. We were talking about Cyclops. It was fine. Speaking of Cyclops, my grandma's a Nazi. My grandma's a Nazi. Speaking of Cyclops, no Nazi. My grandma, she's a Jewish lady, and she can be a little passive-aggressive.

Sure. Passover-aggressive. Passover-aggressive. And Amanda was goingaggressive. Passover-aggressive. And Amanda was going outside to smoke. Amanda was putting her coat on. And she's like, where are you going? She's like, oh, I'm going to go smoke. And then this look of like, I don't know,

like I have to be serious came over my grandma, but trying not to be serious. And Amanda goes, oh, I'm going to go smoke. And my grandma goes, do you have any new year's resolutions nice just like could you be more passive aggressive i called her out on it too she's like no i was just asking like no you weren't no you weren't it was basically like oh you're going to smoke are you gonna quit that or keep on doing that yeah it was a nice warm moment. What was her response? Man, it just laughed.

And then I busted my grandma's balls about it. And yeah, it was a good Christmas. Good times. Good. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Well, the energy's at an all-time high here. So I think we should wrap it up. Why don't we end with New Year's resolutions? Okay.

Okay. Why don't you kick us off, Mike? All right. I actually do have two. Okay. You kick us off, Mike. I actually do have two. To do at least five standard performances every week or the equivalent of Meaning I'll make up the next week if I have to, if I have extras.

By the fourth week of January you're like, God, I need to do 300 performances this week. How would that be numerically possible? You would also be retarded. And this is my dream. You would also be. Because you'd be in a bad accident, and you couldn't have made your stand-up.

That's your new resolution. Make that happen. I'm going to mow you down in my car. And to smoke no more than one cigarette before I go to bed. Okay. So one cigarette a I go to bed. Okay. So one cigarette a day unless I'm like having a doctor away. That's what they said in the 50s. Unless I'm like really having a breakdown.

Okay, then how many cigarettes are we going to allow ourselves? Well, if I'm having like a really bad emotional attack, I feel like it's going to be a slippery slope. Like, oh, sun didn't come out today. Somebody get me a pack of candles. Whoa, the sun didn't come out? I think that would warrant a pack of candles. Well, I mean.

The sun stopped rising? Well, maybe. It stays dark all day. I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah. The earth stops moving. There have been some hazy, overcast days. That's different than the sun not coming out yet.

Oh, my God. That's the thing I deal with every week. We've got a point, though, this time. Why are you serious? You know what I meant. You know what I meant. Yeah, I'm pissed about it two months. Sun will come out tomorrow.

Okay. I don't have any. Crush more puss, I guess. Daniel, do you have one? Crush more puss? I don't know. Yeah. You guys can't both do crush more puss

I hadn't really thought about it but I guess just you know be more healthy both physically and mentally I guess emotionally just all across the board

that's a cop out I know it is a cop out that's better than last year's when you resolved to get worse in all those areas actually the past three years my resolution was to do no pit gambling. Oh, yeah.

We should have talked about that. Daniel, he's an excellent poker player, this fellow. Oh, I thought you were talking about dog fights. No, pit gambling is... I thought you said pitch gambling. This is the year I don't bet on dog fights. Okay, so pit gambling is like everything. They call the pit like all the table games.

Okay. So everything that isn't poker I stay away from because there's no actual skill in it and I just have... When I was my younger 20s I lost a lot of money

playing roulette and stuff. But are you good at poker? Eh. What were you ranked in the state of Maryland? Oh, you... Okay, so when online poker was taken down by the Department of Justice I was ranked 6th in the state of Maryland. Oh, okay. So when online poker was taken down by the Department of Justice,

I was ranked sixth in the state of Maryland. Really? I was in the top 1,000th in the world. No way. So you're extremely good at it. And it only took us 55 minutes to get to that. No, I mean, I did all right. I did pretty well online.

No, I mean, it's not bragging. I think that's... I'd be bragging about that. That's confirmed. Well, I don't brag about that kind of. I think that's... I'd be bragging about that. That's confirmed. Well, I don't brag about that kind of... I don't know. People get weird

when you brag about money and money-related things. I just always have just... I'm weird no matter what. Yeah. I mean, I don't give a fuck. I got bottle service for this podcast.

No, you didn't. Yeah, I did. Yeah. Theater of the mind, Daniel. There's a gray goose bottle on the table tucked in some chick's turd cutter right now. And all the guests today get a special gift bag under their chair.

Yep. You get a free iPad mini that's made of chocolate and diamonds. Yeah. No, he's an excellent poker player. Sounds like it. And the Department of Justice seized your money. Did they? Okay, so that's a whole story.

But I mean, I just haven't played. Wolf of Wall Street's about you, right? Yeah, pretty much. Nice. Loosely. Are you like a mathematical genius? No. I don't know. So why are you so good? I wouldn't call myself

so good like I was good enough like just cause I I spent all my time doing it cause you've just invested a lot of time into it I mean I read books

when I was in my early 20s there was like online sites where like high stakes professionals would record themselves playing online and explain their thought processes right

yeah you kinda you kinda learn so you read books on how to play and strategy and stuff. I mean, that starts off

and then just experience and playing tons of tables online and stuff. Yeah. But like, I don't know. When they took it away,

I just got, over the long run, got bored because running live with, when they got rid of, we actually have to sit around the actual people and it's kind of shitty.

Right. And also, just like, when you're playing online you could play like a bunch of like $20 to $100 buy-in tournaments and win

like tens of thousands even like $100,000 in some big ones right Jesus Christ but then you go to the casino and it's like

I can sit down with $200 and win like $600 it's like you know it's like I win $600 yeah that's cool but like my life doesn't change at all and like if I'm sitting there bored as fuck you know $200 and win like $600. You know, I win $600. Yeah, that's cool.

But like my life doesn't change at all. And like if I'm sitting there bored as fuck, you know, waiting for some old guy to take forever to do whatever he's going to do. It's like I'd rather go home, smoke weed, play League of Legends. I don't know. Right. I care less about the money. Yeah. How many games are you playing at once when you used to play online?

What was your average? Depends on the day. If I came home from work, it'd probably be like eight to ten. But you playing at once when you used to play online? What was your average? Depends on the day. If I came home from work, it'd probably be like 8 to 10. At once? On Sundays, I would wake up at 9.30, go to Dunkin' Donuts, late register all the 10 AMs, somewhere around 10.30, and I'd register everything until 7 PM and play until like 3 in the morning. Jesus Christ.

Well, if I was playing until 3 in the morning, I was doing well. That means I went deep in something. Me, I play Grand Theft Auto until 3 in the morning and, you know, don't make any... And how much do you...

Oh, in video game land, I bought a couple properties. Nice. I just bought the marina. I got a helipad I got my eye on. Awesome. Awesome.

I've been doing really well at Bad Libs. Oh, really? Yeah. Adjectives, nouns, that type of thing. Really Libs. Oh, really? Yeah. Adjectives, nouns, that type of thing. Really hitting it. Oh, good, man. Good, good. So we all have our thing. And

Jesus bless us, you know. Jesus cannot suck our dick. We want to say thank you to Jesus. Praise Kerrigan. What? I'm trying to, okay, you know how you say God damn it and stuff? Yeah. But I'm trying to get myself off saying that, so I'm trying to replace the word god with kerrigan if you're familiar with starcraft no queen of the zerg so i am familiar with star fox well it's lame compared

to starcraft but i don't know he just got you bro anyways they would talk to you when you'd be like queen kerrigan come on you talk to the who's i got fans out there on Digland who know what I'm talking about I'm sure shout out to all my dig there is probably one person listening to Starcraft like yeah totally I get it I praise Kerrigan

they're playing Starcraft and listening is Kerrigan that's your team your house she's like the Zerg oh yeah the queen of the Zerg

queen of the Zerg Kerrigan that's who I did play you don't want to say god damn it it's weird for an atheist to want don't want to say God damn it? It's weird for an atheist to want to shy away from that. I mean, it's just kind of dumb. I don't know.

When you think about it, when you say it, it's like a tickle. It almost confirms theism, right? Yeah, well, I say Jesus. God should send that thing to hell. Yeah. Yeah. I say Jesus Christ all the time. So do you, don't you?

I think so. Jesus Christ is my Lord, I say pretty frequently. Jesus is Lord. It's weird how they always say Jesus is Lord. Should it be like the Lord? I don't know. It's like the Trinity, right? Jesus is Lord. How is that a Trinity?

There's three of them. Jesus is Lord and the Holy Ghost. The Holy Spirit or the Holy Ghost or something. Yeah, there's Jesus. We know. Who's the Holy? Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit. The Holy Ghost snuck in there, didn't he? Yeah, I don't really hear about that.

I think it has something. I think that's the Leviathan, isn't it? Isn't that like where that term comes from? Leviathan sounds like a medicine. Yeah, no, wait. I'm pretty sure Leviathan is from video games. No, no, no, no. Dude, I...

It's like a... Okay, in StarCraft II, Two Wings of Liberty, it's one of the big fucking Zerg creatures that attacks the fucking Terran. I'm not doubting that. Also, I'm pretty sure it's the ultimate in Final Fantasy,

one of the elemental deals. That's like the water one. The term originates in the Bible, however. Oh, fuck the Bible. I don't know. I think that's a good place to the term originates in the Bible however well fuck the Bible I don't know I think that's a good place to end it fuck the Bible

we all had good Christmas I would love to see that like you're on a debate like does the Bible I don't know man fuck the Bible that's a good point do you guys follow on Twitter

the fake Bill Nye yeah one of the things he said I love Bill Nye the fake Bill Nye Yeah One of the things he said I love Bill Nye The fake Bill Nye Yeah What it was is like There's a lot of good arguments

Against creationism But the one I go to mostly Is shut the fuck up That's great Because it's a picture of Bill Nye Like kind of fucked up looking I know Recently he said one

That had me dying It was like Yo I wasn't dead. I was just taking the illest weed nap on wreck. Anyways. Okay. Well, Daniel, thanks for sitting down with us. Yeah, thanks so much, man.

It was a lot of fun. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday. Yeah, come see us live. We've got shows coming up. Me and Ben were talking about that recently. What? That we were going to try to come out to a show

oh yeah you should you should doing we got our improv stand up mashup show it's hard to know which ones I should go to because you post so many

on Facebook there's a ton it's just like I know which is the one where people are going to yeah and that's the thing too

is like sometimes it could be a good show sometimes it might not you know you never know give me a heads up on a good Friday or Saturday one. Okay, okay.

Maybe while Shane's in town, our friend will be in town. Yeah, when's he coming? It's around January 6th. Okay, I was going to say this January 3rd is probably going to be a good show. Because it's the stand-up improv mash-up show, which we're trying to do the first friday of every month at uh the metal mill theater uh we got three stand-ups three improv troops our three stand-ups are umar khan isaac hirsch and ben o'brien excellent and then uh names yeah

two out of three are former guests yeah isaac two out of three i believe are repeated guests yeah isaac might do the show on that friday actually i'm trying to get them up here and uh yeah it's gonna be a lot of fun i'm gonna be playing with one of the troops um we'll be improvising off of the stand-up set and then do you want to host that show yeah sure what the hell all right let's we'll host it together awesome yeah and then saturday night i will be doing improv at the same theater on january 4th at 8 p.m and then january 8th i think are you guys doing the the big open mic thing yes yeah so you'll be doing improv that night metal mill theater and all of our other dates are posted at digressionsessions.com calendar january's going to be a busy month for us,

which is going to be exciting. Follow us on Twitter. I'm at BetterRobotJosh. And I'm at MichaelMoran10. And I'm at DF84. He is. He is. He's on there. And yeah, I think that's about it. That's about it, y'all.

Is that a term? No, I was trying to say that's about it. That's about it. That's about git y'all is that a term no i was trying to say that's about it that's about uh that's about it thank you so much for listening i hope you enjoyed the short short retrospective we did and i promise we'll never do it again um anything else anything else to plug here uh skeptic magazine oh that's right you to be in the... I think the next two issues. Look at you. Published author, Mike Moran. Look at you.

And what are these topics on? This next one that should be out right about now is on... Right about now. Skeptic Magazine. Is on Satanism and America's fear of Satanism taking over the world. Okay. The 80s satanic panic and how there's kind of a new wave of that on the Internet. Satanic panic.

All right. And the one after that should have a book review on a book by past guest Brad Warner or something. On a book. But, yeah Warner or something on a book by but yeah check that stuff out Skeptic Magazine it's online and in bookstores

Atomic Books here in Baltimore in Hamden so check that out can I give some quick shout outs sorry Daniel we're out of time shout out to

my brother my dog Ben Hefner all the ladies out there single ladies come at me he's on Tinder Tinder

some other shit plenty of fish plenty of fish I got profiles everywhere my man Danny I got dating profiles all over the internet such a weird thing to brag about

I know I know he doesn't like to brag he's a poker player he likes to gamble but not with his heart ladies hit him up Daniel Hefner I know. He doesn't like to brag. He's a poker player. He likes to gamble, but not with his heart, ladies. Hit him up, Daniel Hefner. Yeah, thank you guys so much for listening.

We love you. Thanks, everybody. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Later. you you