The Digression Sessions - Ep. 108 - Josh & Mike! (Solo!)

Episode Date: February 10, 2014

Follow us on Twitter! @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 @DigSeshPod And come see us live! DigressionSessions.com/Calendar !!!! *** And I Brought Murr…!? Hola DigHeads! On this week’s episode, there is no human guest per se because the guest on this week’s podcast is the love between Josh & Mike! And it’s a lot of love! Your favorite pair of earbuds were long overdue for a nice catch up sesh and we hope you enjoy! Josh and Mike discuss that status of Mike’s New Year’s Resolution to perform 5 times a week, referring to home fries as “homies,” LSD on temporary tattoos, the 12 O’Clock Boys in Baltimore, Josh’s really weird dream involving Ravens WR Torrey Smith, old man appreciation for applesauce,  and to keep it light, we discuss child soldiers for a little bit! Thanks for all the support as always Dig Heads! If you feel so inclined, feel free to donate to the Dig Sesh! We have a donate button on DigressionSessions.com, and any support  is much appreciated! We will send you a Digression Sessions sticker in return and hopefully improve the quality of the pod! Also find us and say hi on our Facebook page! And come see us lives! Josh will be in Bel Air on Wednesday February 12th and Josh and Mike are performing this Thursday, February 13th at 8 pm at the upstairs stage at the Ottobar in Baltimore!              

What was the line? I love ya! Uh, it is, uh, the digression sessions. Yeah, the digression sessions. Not your grandpa's third favorite podcast. In Baltimore. In Baltimore. The digression sessions.

Not your grandpa's third favorite podcast. In. In. Baltimore. Baltimore. In. I'm sorry. In.

En Español. Por. I'm sorry. In. En Español. Por Fútbol. Okay. Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey everybody, I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to The Degression Sessions Podcast, a Baltimore-based comedy talk show

hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers. Join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians, writers, musicians, and anyone else we find creative and interesting. Yes.

Who's the guest this week? Did your teachers ever try to teach you how to deal with child molesters? Uh, no. The only thing I kind of remember, I definitely remember my mom saying, you know, if you're ever in a store and somebody you don't know,'t know grabs you by the hand, say, like, you're not my mom or you're not my dad.

Really? That's it? Well, there's some other stuff. I remember she was telling me not to take fake tattoos from strangers. She's like, because there could be something called LSD on them. No way. And now looking back, like, what a could be something called LSD on there. No way. And now looking back, like,

what a waste of acid. Who would do that? I think that was a popular urban legend for a while. Same with like stickers. Yeah, yeah. So I think she must have just heard it on the news

or something. Because they thought that they were going to get you hooked on acid and come back for more. Why would all these people who spent hours and all kinds of money

making acid or acquiring acid, they're like, no, let's waste it on this eight-year-old at the parking lot. Knowing stoned teenagers, that wouldn't be that out of the question, I suppose. Yeah. We should totally give a child acid and watch him. Yeah. The dog's already as stoned as he's going to get. That dog ate all of our fake tattoos.

And Grandma's finished with the ecstasy. Grandma's rolling. I remember there being a big, like, don't get kidnapped campaign when I was little. Yeah. And then when I got a little older, they started squeezing in the child molestation. I thought you were going to say, like, they eased off on it. When I got older, they're like, hey, maybe it'll be fun. No, but I didn't realize that there was anything sexual involved for a long, long time.

I thought people would just kidnap you and then keep you in a cage or something. Just keep you in the basement. Feed you with a hose. Yeah, make you do chores and stuff. I've been in this basement folding laundry for years. It's hell on earth. You ever think you were going to get kidnapped? I was pretty afraid of it, yeah.

I mean, I don't think there was any situation where it's like, holy shit, I'm being kidnapped. But I was definitely scared i was really scared of robbers putting a ladder up to my window and coming in really yeah and then there's nothing you can do you're just like oh it's over now it's like i wasn't sure what i was gonna do but i definitely remember yeah and then my and my parents like reassuring me like we're downstairs we'll see if anybody puts a ladder up to your window. I know you haven't seen it, but we just watched Captain Phillips in a big part of the pirates thing of them getting on the ship.

It's Tom Hanks, and he's doing this faux New England accent. He's just like, if they get that ladder on this boat, we're done for. So I just picture him doing that. They get this ladder into this bedroom, and I done for. So I just picture you doing that. They get this ladder into this bedroom and I'm doing laundry in a basement. Decades. I'm doing Somali pirates.

And I'm not watching Back to the Future 3 in the theater. I'll be doing these Somali pirates laundry until I die. I did recently, I was hanging out on a porch, and I heard a little kid say to one other little kid, do you know what kidnappers do to little children?

That's all I heard. Did you butt in? You're like, I'll tell you. You want to find out? Oh, boy. Because I got coins that need to be rolled. Yes, roll, roll the coins. Hey, is this true?

Speaking of urban legends, if I got like a bag of change, big old bag of change. Big old bag. Full of coins. U.S. U.S. meant the most delicious currency of all. 50 cent pieces. If I take it to a bank, will they roll it for me? If I just give it to them?

I don't think so. Yeah, somebody was telling me. I don't know why that would be an urban legend, though. It's rolling around. I don't think kids are telling each other that around the campfire. Oh, yeah, they are. Go to Snopes.com and find out the urban legend status. Hey, is it a liar, liar, pants on fire status?

Might be. Might be. The lamest urban legend in history. And then he went to the bank. Or just threw out a campfire like, not for nothing, though. But it was just a sack of unorganized coins. And he took them to the old Bank of America on Charles Street. No, because we took a bunch of money to the Coin Star,

and I forget who it was. It was just like, idiot, just go to the bank. I was like, I don't think they do that. Don't you have to roll it? They're like, no, not anymore. I mean, maybe they have some sort of sorting machine these days, you know, that you just dump it in and it doesn't for you. They have to, right? Yeah, I mean, they probably have some sort of sorting machine these days, you know, that you just dump it in and it doesn't work. They have to, right?

Yeah, I mean, they probably have their own coin store that you don't have to pay for now that I think about it. But, you know, last time I went in, I wrote mine or rolled. In fact, I paid somebody to roll mine. How much? I don't know. I just said, if you want to roll all these, I'll give you a percentage. And they were poor enough that they did it. Sounds like one of the creepiest stories ever.

Hey, you homeless man, want to make 10 cents? No, no, it was a friend of mine. They were broke. I said, I've got some. That's not the only time I've done that. Okay, so you're an entrepreneur. You're a small businessman. I've had broke friends who are like, hey, if you want to do this for me, I'll give you like 20 bucks.

Look at you, putting them to work. And that's how I got a BJ in the back of a McDonald's. Oh, so that's how. Prostitution. I get it. No, that's a fair trade. If I'm broke and somebody needs something done

and they'll pay me, that's called working. Is that what they mean when they say fair trade? There's always blowjobs involved? There's always blowjobs. It's this organic free trade coffee. Somebody blew somebody

for this coffee. Yeah. Okay. I understand that. I'm learning blew somebody for this coffee. Okay. I understand that. I'm learning a lot on this podcast. Hey, Mike. Yeah. Good to see you, buddy.

You too, man. Good to see you. You too. It's been a minute. Yeah. I cheated on you a little bit. I know. Was he better than me?

He was different. Do you really want to know? Yeah. Do you really want to know? I do. You don't want to know. Oh. Do you really want to know? I do. You don't want to know. Oh. Well, why didn't you say that first?

It's the most anticlimactic drama. Well, never mind. I can't remember. I got to take this call. Yeah, you had... That's good job. You had Mike F. last week. Mike Fonazo.

The thin man. I listened to some of it. Yeah, did you hear us shit on you? Yes, I did. I can't really remember what you said exactly, though. You were saying... I forget. Tell me again.

It was just enough for you to tune out. But then we spoke very highly of you at the end. Sure. You know I'm not going to listen to you. Exactly. No, we were saying how hard you've been working doing a bunch of stand-up. Wow.

Yeah. What can I say? That is true. I'm a bootstraps kind of fella. You are. I mean, you're very Republican. That's how you have to be when you're ugly. If you're ugly, you've got to work harder.

It's true. You've got to put that paper bag on your head to hide your ugly face and then pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Exactly. The uglier the face, the harder to get a tug on the bootstraps. Yeah. Adam Carolla has that theory about hot chicks, you know, that they're just not very developed at all because everything's just handed to them well it definitely is true that it's easier for good-looking people in the world right i mean yeah so if you're you're not as the same way it's easier for white people you know yeah that means i should be getting free college yeah you think about that i mean uh talk

about uh you know i like how you're not you're not you're not even suggesting like no mike you're not ugly you're just like yeah it's very true that is how the world works let's be honest i feel there's been a common theme um with you in these past few podcasts we've done we were just like i'm awful okay all right what do you expect My self-esteem goes with the temperature. You're just the most depressing version of Game of Thrones. Right. Winter is coming. I don't know.

I have no idea. I feel like people can just throw in Game of Thrones or Hunger Games or, you know, Winter Olympic Games. Hunger Game of Thrones in Sochi, Russia. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. You don't. You can just throw in these.

Like, I could throw in a bunch of, like, philosophy references. What? Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I wouldn't know. Yeah. I feel like this is, like, the Socratic method, but, like, in kind of a post-social modernist environment. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, of course I do. Okay, so you're saying you're better than me because you know philosophy and I watch TV. Is that what I'm hearing right now? Well, like I said, it's compensation. He was Greek, right? Compensation? Yeah, I mean, you know.

He's one of the Greek philosophers. Yeah. Compensated, he's. Also the name of the first girl he had sex with. Oh, well, let's circle back here. You got a lot of irons in the fire. Sure. Happy to see you.

It was a fun podcast with Fonazo. Also had Sean Joyce on, which is fun. Yeah. The one-on-ones are tough. I missed you, buddy. Thank you. I missed you. Thank you.

I missed you, too. I missed you. We got to do band practice. Now silence. Yeah, no, we had band practice yesterday. We're doing a show on February 13th at the upstairs portion of the auto bar. We'll be playing some tunes. Yeah.

I think I fucked up my throat during practice, too. You weren't even singing. Well, I'm a mouth breather, and then playing drums fast and sucking it a lot. That fucks up your throat? I'm sucking in a lot of that basement air. You're not running any marathons soon, are you? No. Okay, good.

No. No, it always just feels really dry. I try to make an effort to breathe through my nose. Yeah, you have to. I only have filters that your throat doesn't have. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Nose hairs and whatnot. Brita filters.

Yeah. I got a Brita filter in there. I had my doctor install a Brita filter. My snot is... What I usually do is I take apart two filtered cigarettes, just cram the filters right up there. Menthol? Yeah. Oh, good.

Got to go with the menthol. Right. Got to go with that. Yeah. Now, I am circling back to you being very busy. I want to know what's going on. You have your New Year's resolution to do stand-up five nights a week. Well, perform five nights a week.

Be on a stage. Improv and music count, because I barely, I mean, I do improv like maybe twice a month and music like every few months. So I've decided those count. That's fair. But yeah, as of today, I will be caught up on my murder i was a few in the hole for a while because of the weather yeah yeah but uh as of today i will be caught up nice and you're on your way to bethlehem yep pennsylvania to uh perform in the motherland, the holy land.

Doing an improv festival. What time are you performing today? I don't know. Good question. You never know anything. Not really, no. If it's not this Kierkegaard fella, then you don't care. I don't know.

Somebody knows, though. They told me to leave it to. Okay. So I'll get there. Okay. How far is Bethlehem, Pennsylvania from Baltimore? I don't know. If I knew that, I would probably know what time I'm going on, now, wouldn't I?

Come on, Josh. What are you, stupid? Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. They told me I should leave it, too. Uh-huh. And I have GPS, so what's the big goddamn deal? Okay. So they told you when to leave

oh man they told me not to take any tattoos from strangers to my credit do I ever miss any obligations that I'm signed on for I mean we've recorded two podcasts without you I was not signed on for those I did not sign my contract.

That is true. We sign a contract for every show. Every single podcast. It's true. It's true. You never know when someone's going to leave and try to take half. Yeah. No.

You've been there. Alimony. By the moon and the stars. How does alimony work? It sounds ridiculous. I don't know. And how has there not been a weird al album called alimony yeah especially if he goes through a divorce just a bunch of sad cover songs about you know like most of his album titles are like al themed

like alapalooza uh-huh alpocalypse uh-huh um Al-Qaeda Alcohol Alternating Currents That one was a little boring Yeah The Alamo It's got to be the Alamo Alamoney I think there's one called Albuquerque

I seriously think there is Or a song or something. Probably. I believe it. I believe it. Well, how have the shows been going? What's going on with the open mics? You got a lot of new material?

Yes and no. To answer your question. That is Mike's new improv learnings. That's my new way of saying no. Yeah, yes and no is usually a good way of saying no. That's what he's bringing to Bethlehem, everybody. I'm not bringing frankincense. I'm not bringing myrrh, right?

What the fuck is myrrh? Yeah, the one guy, he must have really got lucky. And he's just like, well, I brought myrrh. And they're like, thank you? Yeah. Thank you. Don't open it yet. There's myrrh in there. It just lit from his pocket.

I brought myrrh. It's really valuable. Myrrh. Myrrh. Yeah, myrrh. And the guy's like, I brought gold. He's like, fuck. Is frankincense a type of incense?

It's Frankenstein's bones. Ground up. No. If anything, it's incense. If we're going to go with a bad joke, it's incense that smell like hot dogs. I feel like you're being incensitive right now. That's a little better. Thank you.

No, I've been doing, I haven't really, for a year or so, I really tried to write every day. Yeah. And I haven't been doing that. Instead, I've just been taking all the thousands of ideas that I've amassed, most of which will probably never work, and just trying them. I'm making, actually doing the open mic the number one priority and putting everything else second. I'm trying it that way. I don't know if it'll work out. You're recording all your sets?

Yes. That's good. That's good. Yeah, I was talking to Sean Joyce. He doesn't record his sets. I'm like, wow, that's a bitch. That's crazy. Well, don't tell him that he should do that because we want as little competition as possible.

No, he was just saying, he's like, no, I just know when I say something, and if it doesn't work, it feels so bad. I'm not going to forget that that felt bad. Yeah, I don't have that type of intuition. I don't have that type of memory either. Yeah, my memory is terrible. It really is. Yeah. Well, yeah, there'll be times where I just forget to say a few words or just talking over a laugh.

Just stuff that I'm not cognizant of in the moment where it's like, what the hell was I doing? A lot of times one or two words can make or break a joke. When I say, fuck the Jews. If you're saying black people are shit and you forget to say the word the shit,

then I can edit that. That would just be the whole podcast. black people are shit and you forget to say the word the shit yeah then thank you right right edit that this is be the whole podcast mike how you been black people are shit whoa buddy geez no wonder you haven't been on in a while what have you been doing in your white power bunker what have you been doing in your white power what did you think i was doing you have an eyepatch and you just wants to get tattooed you are the most racist neo-nazi i've ever met in my life what have you been doing in your white dark mark was telling me about that's his name that's his stage name this is a true story i know i want to i want to circle back to that uh he was telling me how he would he used to play basketball with a D.O. Nazi. He was like, yeah, he's a pretty cool dude.

Are you sure he's not just thinking of that Ed Norton movie, American History X? Maybe. And anyway, he was in there for giving a guy a curb smiley. I was like, yeah, he was cool with black people. He just believed in separatism or something. I was like, that's the laziest Nazi I've ever heard of. Why not just not be a Nazi at that point? Yeah, what's like, hey, man, we can play basketball and hang out.

But I wish I could put you in a camp where you would die. I wish you were dead. Anyway, hey, good game, man. I'll see you next Saturday. What the fuck? Yeah, it's bizarre. Okay, yeah, there's a comedian in the Baltimore area. Fellow's name is Dark Mark.

Yeah, he's a great comedian. Yeah. We should have him on at some point. Very funny. But what's always funny is, I might have mentioned this on the Isaac and Luke podcast, but when I went and did their room, all the comedians know him, so sometimes they'll reference him from stage. You just assume they're racist? Well, I think the crowd does that, which is really weird.

It's just like, yeah, I mean, Dark Mark knows, and the crowd's just like, Jesus Christ. So I went up there, and I was like, it must be weird for you guys. God, I fucking hate these Polish people. Hey, Polish Paul, you're cool, right? He's cool. He's cool, everybody. Don't worry about it. Well, it's not even.

It wouldn't even be. That would be the equivalent of African-American Mark. It would be more like. Yeah, dark Africa. Same thing. I know, but it would be more like, I don't know, slanty chow or something. Jesus, Mike. No, that would be the equivalent.

That's what I'm saying. What have you been doing in your white trash bunker? You've changed. Fuck, what was I going to say? Probably something about how great I am. Yeah. Yeah. Come on.

Come on. Bring it into the station. You can do it. Yeah. Come on. Come on. Bring it into the station. You can do it. Oh. Oh, yeah. This is totally going to be worth it at home, folks. Or in your cars. At the Paper Moon, where I work, we often refer to home fries as homies on the line.

And I wonder how often somebody here is like, send those homies out. Oh, Jesus Christ, more homies? These homies are way too dark. Can you get them out of here? They're practically burnt. What the fuck is this? We can't serve this. We can't serve this.

Guys, we can't serve those homies. Throw those homies in the garbage. I never want to see those homies again. You understand me? Oh, man. They look like they've been on the floor. Those are the worst homies. I see homies like that again, I quit.

Just smelling them makes me sick. This whole restaurant smells like filthy homies. Make sure they don't touch anything else. I'm scared they'll taint it. Get those homies away from my pancakes. Can't we separate them from everything else? Come on, guys. There's regulations in this country.

Guys, come on. If the health inspector was in here, he'd have our asses in a sling. Come on, guys. There's regulations in this country. Guys, come on. If the health inspector was in here, he'd have our asses in a sling. Come on. Get it together. Throw them in the trash. Put them in the dumpster, please. Get all of them in the dumpster.

What was I going to say? This is a bad segue, but we watched that documentary, The 12 O'Clock Boys. Oh, I think I saw a poster for that or something. Yeah. It looks interesting. Well, it doesn't look interesting, but the reviews insist that it's interesting. Well, it's funny. In the trailer, they show all the reviews that are like spellbinding, blah, blah, blah.

And it's in gigantic, like 80 million font. And then who it's from. You're a fucking idiot if you don't see this movie. Yeah. Who it's from is in the smallest font. And it looks like they took one review and just broke it up into 90 different pieces. It's all the same thing. It's like spellbinding complex.

Completely interesting complex. Like whatever the name of the website was. It says complex twice. Well, complex is like the name of the website. It keeps saying the same things. Dude, that could be a funny concept for something. Have the exact same review over and over, and it's the same person. It's like my mom or something.

Fantastic, Mike's mom. Fantastic, Mike's mom. But it's different fonts every time. It's like italics. Mike's mom is in agreement. It's curvy and cursive. It'd be funny for an album cover Or something like that But it's

For those that don't know Check out the trailer Listen to this podcast Actually push You can push the pause button They already downloaded it That's all that matters Yeah yeah

We already got that We got that Hey and if we have any listeners In London You're ours now You fucking idiots Deleting this from the cloud FNAZO's app was downloaded A lot in London You're ours now. You fucking idiots. Deleting this from the cloud.

Fonazo's app was downloaded a lot in London. Really? Like the most we've had. I don't know if... I can see British people being into him. Into the Nas man? I can see that. Okay. He has glasses.

He looks like us. He looks pale and sickly like us. The picture I posted on the website, he is eating fish and chips. Okay, that makes sense. He's got the Union Jack tattoo. Better Queen's English eaters. Very nervous. Let's listen.

And then we just lost all of our British listeners. We lost Phil. Turn it off. We lost hearts. Put it off. We lost our answer. Put on off your nanny. A prostitute's been killed in white chap hat. If you put it with the pony post. Scotland Yard up me ace.

What do they call it, Scotland Yard? I don't know. I think that's what it is, right? That'd be like if we had British airwaves in America. Can you imagine? Why did we fight off the yoke of tyranny to have British airwaves? Huh? We want the airwaves.

Yeah. Airwaves, airwaves. I don't know. Look. You don't know? It's airwaves. It's very clearly. It's British airwaves? I don't know. Look. You don't know? It's airwaves. It's very clearly. It's British airwaves?

I thought you were talking about the airline. Yeah, sorry. Thank you. If you could edit that to not make me look like a total idiot, I'd appreciate that. I'll press the non-idiot button for you. It's all good. Thank you. What was I going to say?

Oh, yeah. So the 12 o'clock boys. Okay. These are these fellas, for the most part, that ride dirt bikes in, like, huge groups. Right. I think it started in, like, the late 80s, early 90s. They would just ride dirt bikes in the city, Baltimore city limits, which is illegal. And they would just take up, all of the, all of the, like the roads.

So, you know, causing traffic jams, all kinds of stuff. And since then it's only gotten bigger and, uh, it's, it's the worst. I've experienced it a few times where you're driving and then there's just like a 13 year old, no helmet, no pads on a dirt bike. Right. And they call it the 12 o'clock boys because they do their wheelies. They try to get completely upright in the 12 o'clock position as if they were on a clock. I've seen solo ventures, but I've never seen a big group of them.

Yeah, where we used to live in Charles Village, I remember some came by. Sometimes they're on four-wheelers and stuff. But it's all about doing wheelies. And the cops cannot chase them like right it's been said that like they're not supposed to chase these guys because because it calls more damage yeah more collateral damage because the kids will get up on the sidewalks and stuff like that and they're going so fast and you know those kids could easily die if they you know you think there'd be other ways to stop them though i mean can't you well take their picture well in the in the uh the documentary

they have uh they make use of helicopters basically so the helicopters can track them from up high and they even have like thermal scans now where they can see their bodies but in the documentary it's so it's such a weird thing like i kind of get it what they're saying like with the dirt bikes so like you know we feel free it's just such it's like sure it's a fun thing to do and like they try to paint it as it's not like this nefarious thing to do but at the same time like when cops come around like man fuck the cop blah blah like this one guy's on a dirt bike and he just kicks a cop car you know and they're like you know and they're like they chasing us it's illegal to chase us it's, it's also illegal what you're doing.

Yeah, yeah. I hate that. It's like, hey, man, the cops are illegally chasing us doing something illegal. Right, right. Yeah. I want the kids to be standing up to corrupt cops who treat them like shit. But if you're doing something illegal and they're trying to arrest you. Yeah, yeah.

Well, there is a few redeeming characters in the documentary. They show this one guy who, it's kind of weird, though. He brings out younger kids to learn how to ride dirt bikes on these cool trails kind of outside of the city. It's like, well, that's fine. But he's actually just kind of training them for when they're older to be out on the streets doing videos and stuff. Do they refuse to wear helmets?

No, I think it's just kind of part of the culture where it's just like it's like skateboarding it's just like complete bravado you know it's like i'm gonna do like the biggest wheelie i can no pads no nothing and go as fast as i can down the street has there been casualties yeah yeah there's been a bunch um and there's also like uh there was um a story not too long ago where a guy was uh i think either he was um he had a green light and was going through an intersection and a kid on a bike ran into him or he was stopped and a kid just ran into him either way this guy wasn't at fault um so uh he gets hit and he gets out to make sure the kid's okay. The other kids that are with him nearly beat this guy to death.

Jesus Christ. Just for being there. Like, he didn't do anything. So it's just all this, you know, and I'm sure there's tons of injuries. Like, they show one guy was doing a wheelie, lost control, ran into a kid, all this type of stuff. And it's just such a weird thing to, like, take so much pride in, you know?

It kind of reminds me of like skateboard culture when we were growing up yeah yeah but with this i don't know i guess with skateboarding because i'm just trying to think like versus what's what you gain and what's at risk i'm riding these dirt bikes like there's nothing to gain really except you just kind of ride around i don't think that's how the adolescent mind works, though. But these aren't adolescents. This ranges from dudes that are like 13 to like 40. Right.

You know? Well, I don't know. You're saying it's irrational for grown men to... I mean, they obviously love it, so there's that, right? Right, right, right. But there's just always so much risk. Like, the cops show up immediately. Right.

Well, that's probably part of the thrill of it all. Yeah, yeah. I mean, showing that you're a risky, ballsy male can be something desirable for a lot of people. I personally don't give a shit most of the time. For those listening, I mean, I am podcasting on top of a dirt bike. I've been doing a wheelie. Yeah, but you're wearing pads. You're wearing fluorescent knee pads.

Hey, my mom didn't want me to get hurt. Not again. My mom would always try to get me to wear a helmet whenever I roller blade or skateboard. So annoying. We're talking about these guys risking their lives on dirt bikes. Like, man, did you ever have to wear the wrist guards when you rollerbladed? I had those, too. Those look so stupid.

Yeah, I used to hate wearing a helmet. I would try to get by and not have it clip underneath. Like, it's on, but not really. I could easily fly off, and I could still get brain damage, you guys. Yeah, that is pretty true. I mean, anything that's going to happen where you're going to hit your head, that thing's not going to stay on. Yeah. No, no.

No, you could hit like the smallest of rocks and just have the helmet fly off. Yeah. But the movie, it follows one kid for three years. And I think he's 10 when it starts. And his name's Pug. And at first it's like kind of cute. Like he idolizes these guys. He really looks up to them

and he's like, oh, there they go, there they go. I'm a B1. And he has like this little ATV that he rides around. And just over a couple years he just becomes like the biggest asshole. Really?

And he's like, man, fuck them motherfuckers. I'll fuck them, bro. I'll fuck the police. I think all teenagers are kind of assholes. Yeah, but this is pretty extreme where he's getting kicked out of school for fighting. And he's like, here's how you slap a motherfucker. And you're like, oh.

And then at the same time, he's like, these are my turtles. He's just a little kid. And his mom's like completely insane you know like just cusses at him openly in front of her other kids it's like that's not what the fuck you supposed to do you get up in this motherfucking house and then you know like he uh that sounds pretty depressing yeah yeah because you know she's calling people it's like pug ain't been home since nine o'clock it It's damn near motherfucking 6 o'clock. I'm not putting up with this.

It's like, well, why did you let him leave the house? You know? I don't know. It's weird. And she's like, I'm doing everything I can do. I got him that bike. I get him the best clothes. And now he fucking up like this?

I can't. I fucked his bullshit. I kind of think just fuck teenagers in general. I think we should just, like, send them to jail from 13 to 20. 13 to 20. Just send them to forced labor camps. Teenagers are kind of sociopathic in general, I think. Yeah.

Amanda was saying that that's mostly a symptom of most first world countries. Do you think that happens in other countries where they're just kind of working all the time? I don't know. Working on the fields, that type of thing? Well, I don't know, but I would suspect that by nature we're naughty. Those are like our warrior years. That's by nurture. Those are like our warrior years. That's when nature is designing you to be an asshole because you're supposed to be raiding other tribes and nations and raping and pillaging.

When you're 12? Yeah. I am way behind on my raping and pillaging. When you're 12? Yeah. I am way behind on my raping and pillaging, by the way. Yeah, I mean, we look at less developed countries and we're like, oh my god, how do they send 14-year-olds to war? But it's like, that's pretty normal up until recently. I mean, that's when you're at your peak of adrenaline and just ferocious sexual energy. It's true. By nature. I mean, Lord of the Flies is pretty accurate.

People are supposed to be assholes at that age. So, you're defending these child armies in Africa. I'm saying that forced child soldiery, if that's a word, is right.

No, I'm not defending them. I'm saying, thankfully, it's getting better. As life improves, we get less violent. And children don't have to do stuff like that. But by nature, that's kind of how humans are. Okay. As far as tribal Paleolithic society, which is 99% of our history.

Okay, so you're saying we should be killing people when we're young, not eating a lot of carbs, no wheat, no pizzas, more murder. Exactly. Okay. Alright. No, I'm not saying that it's right. I'm just saying it's getting better, but we still have the

tribal instinct in us. This world is very different than the world we are evolved for. Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, like you said earlier, you're a white man. Talk about hitting the jackpot. We're a white male in America. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah, it's pretty sweet. Pretty fucking sweet. It's not the best, though. Everybody assumes that we have the best standard of living. I mean, there are some other countries that are better. But we definitely are pretty lucky and fortunate. Like your Dubais, your Uruguays. Although, if you look at it, maybe we're not that fortunate because we're also less happy than poorer people.

Is that because we have too many options? Got too easy? I would say that's part of it. You don't think a child soldier gets too existential. You know, he's not like, am I meant to be killing other kids? He just kills other kids. Right, right. Well, yeah, it's the more physically comfortable you get, the more emotionally bad you are.

Well, no, generally speaking, like people that don't have physical, like societies that have less physical challenges have more emotional and psychological challenges. Right. And part of it is like the modern world is just so different than what we're made for. Yeah. challenges right part of it is like the modern world is just so different than what we're made for even though it's better it should be we should be like really happy to be living this life but our brains aren't equipped to like deal with like all the choices and right the fact that like everything's done already you know like i mean as far as as far as like we don't have to hunt we don't have to worry about our shelter, natural predators and things like that for the most part. So now we have all these...

People aren't really designed to make very many choices ever. You pretty much just do what you do in the paleo world. But now we constantly have to be deciding what's right and what's wrong and always have this anxiety. Yeah. But not me. I just pop a wheelie on that dirt bike and i'm free that's what i do well good well good for you good for you um just make sure you're home by six yeah speaking of um and uh the uh and the in dreams too like just referring back to like how we're

supposed to be in like older man and that type of thing like dreams are supposed to be scenarios that are preparing you for the future. Really? I've never heard that theory before. So yeah there's like stuff that you get like a nightmare is something you're supposed to be they think that's where dreams are a a form of evolution.

So back in the day, a guy would dream about what if a saber-toothed tiger. I don't know. I'm dumb, so I don't know if there was overlap between man and a saber-toothed tiger. So a nightmare for him would be him being chased by a saber-toothed, because that would be something that could happen to him in a way. So this way, in his mind, he's preparing for it in a way. I had one of the weirdest dreams today. And you're wondering what it's preparing for you.

Exactly. Speaking of just man today and we have nothing to worry about, listen to how weird this is. I was hanging out. It was me and Amanda. We were hanging out with Tori Smith, who's the wide receiver for the Ravens. Sure. And his wife.

Are you talking about the dream now? Yeah. Okay. Well, I was telling him about this dream earlier this morning. I was telling him about the dream. You've refused to listen. I got a restraining order. Anyway, back to the dream.

So it's the four of us hanging out. Sure. And we're talking about video games. And he asked me what my gamer tag is. And that's your username. So when you play online. Right. And I told him.

And he was like, oh, man, I think somebody's been playing on your gamer tag. You got hacked. And I was like, what the fuck? So then Amanda and I go home because i got to check my playstation for some reason we're living in florida right and uh we get to the apartment and we walk all the way to the end of the apartment no nobody's there and then as i turn around i see like six older people all wearing beavis and butthead masks like going to leave the house that's pretty creepy honestly honestly. It's really creepy.

And then a man and I round him up somehow, and I have a guy in a chokehold. And I'm like, which one of you stole my gamer tag? They snuck into your apartment to steal your gamer tag? I guess. I don't know, Mike. And then I woke up, and I was like, what the fuck? Did any of that mean?

Well, you never know when that's going to happen, you know? Some old people in Florida in Beavis and Butthead masks. That is a really interesting thing, though. I've never heard that before. I've never even really thought about what dreams mean. What dreams make him. Oh, man. Dreams are cool how they allow you to experience things that you don't really experience.

Isn't it fun? Yeah. Which I kind of. Like happiness. Well, that's why that theory, I like that where it's, like, kind of preparing you for stuff. Right. And that whole thing, too, makes me think about, like, people that are these lucid dreamers And how you work on that stuff How you play an active role in your dreams

Let's do it right now, let's check if we're dreaming Read something I'm gonna read I'm gonna read this white power pamphlet you brought Alright, it says digression sessions on there Okay, right? Now look away Are we dreaming? Ask ask yourself am i dreaming

now look back it's whoopi goldberg naked it still says that we're not dreaming okay good so put your pants back on um but no like that type of thing like uh i've heard that people um who get good at it it's amazing to have the lucid dreams but i can never do that like in that situation i should have just been like, what the fuck's happening? And just flown away or something. I can occasionally. And sometimes it is fucking awesome.

Yeah? Yeah. I've had a few where I'm like... What are you doing? Flying. I remember one where it was like... Yeah, why are we all just flying all the time? Where it's like,

Mike, you got to help me fix this lawnmower. And you're like, nah, I'm just going to fly. Because you don't realize that's an option i know it's the worst well um i've heard there's an app now where it like you it tells you that you're dreaming like while you're falling asleep what yeah or or or like create scenarios that are desirable like being on a desert island or having sex how does that work uh with with sound okay so you have your earbuds in and it's yeah or you just put your ipod next to you uh uh okay and so the sound it's like sounds of sex and that would go into your dreams yeah that sounds like a horrible i definitely When I fall asleep listening to podcasts,

I dream about the podcast pretty often. And a lot of times it'll be like somebody talking, and I keep trying to say something, and they won't stop talking. It's like you guys aren't listening to anything I'm saying. I very specifically remember one where I was listening to... I think it was F This Podcast. It was something with Thomas.

And it turned into us interviewing him in my dream. And he wouldn't let me get a fucking word in. He just woke up angry, not knowing why. Whenever I do that, if I fall asleep listening to a podcast, like 20 minutes go by and then I wake up and I'm like, what the fuck? I just get annoyed. Take the earbuds out. And then I slumber.

Slumber. Yeah. Slumber. Some lumber. Slumber. Slumber. I barely get annoyed. Take the earbuds out. And then I slumber. Slumber. Yeah. Slumber. Some lumber. Slumber. I barely know her. You had any weird dreams lately besides that? Not any that really stand out.

I usually forget them. Forget them pretty quickly. But this one stuck with me. It's weird, too. Even if I tell someone about it, I'll still forget it. And if somebody tells me about their dream, I'll still forget it by the end of the day. Oh, interesting. Yeah.

Interesting. Yeah. Switching gears here. Speaking of stand-up earlier. I did stand-up in Tawny Town, Maryland. Stand-up comedy? Stand-up earlier. I did stand-up in Tawny Town, Maryland. Stand-up comedy? Stand-up. I just stood there for a while.

Yeah, stand-up comedy. Tawny Town, where the hell is that? That is like Northwest Maryland. And it's... Panhandle? Does our thing count as a panhandle? I've never heard that. I think it should.

It should. We got a panhandle. Yeah, it's up there in a panhandle? Does our thing count as a panhandle? I've never heard that. I think it should. It should. Totally. We got a panhandle. Yeah, it's up there in a panhandle. Normal people love talking about panhandles. That would be great. Yeah, just every question. Like, oh, is that the Target?

Oh, the panhandle? That one? Hey, that's economy, man. Me and the wife are going to get a shed in the panhandle. Upstate New York. What? This guy kept talking to me about his applesauce at work. Get the fuck out of here.

What? I don't know why this is so funny to me, but he was like... What a weird thing to take pride in. Yeah, it's just so weird. Like the things that normal people want to talk about. Like he's like. This guy is not normal for the record. No, this is normal old guy talk.

He was like. He's like. Real quick. Applesauce, by the way. Yeah. You're either super young or super old. Exactly. I feel like old people like turn into children when they get old.

You're losing your teeth. You want the mushy, easy, digestible food. Not for those reasons. They talk. They're stimulated by things that little kids are stimulated by. Maybe it's from raising kids. I don't know. I didn't poop my pants, and I had a nice cinnamon applesauce today.

Now my stories are on. And I don't have to work. I have a lot of applesauce today. And now my stories are on. And I don't have to work. I have a lot in general. And I can play with toddlers. I can play with my kids. I watch daytime television. And now I can play with my Hot Wheels. Just hold on.

I do feel like a big part of my psychological makeup is the desire to go back to the time before school. Like, that was the golden era for me. Yeah. Like, three to five. Home with mom all day long. Plus, my mom would babysit so there would be kids over. That helps because

for a second there, it sounded like you had some really bad mom issues. It was just me and my mom. It was great. We'd go to the park and stuff or just watch Sesame Street. Sounds like you're talking about an ex-girlfriend.

I'm getting to that. No, we went to the park. It was fucking awesome. We watched movies. The only bad part was the freaking naps. That was excruciating. Did your mom ever try to make you take a nap in the middle of the day? That was the

hardest thing ever. I think I'd day. That was the hardest thing ever. I think I'd rather like... That was like Saul for kids. You monster! Just like, no, we're turning out the lights. You're not allowed to move or play with anything. Would you like to play a game? Like right after lunch, too.

Like, God. Fucking torture. Yeah, living in America is tough for the white guy. And that's why I don't talk to my mother anymore. She knows what she did. She knows. Wait, what were we talking about? I got lost there.

Before the childhood fantasy thing. Yeah. Oh, applesauce. Okay, so this really isn't much of a story. I believe we were oh applesauce apple okay so so this guy this really isn't much of a story but perhaps we were talking about much let's talk sauce um you're the apple of my eye sauce there's a letterman thing years ago where they would do that like tonight's top 10 list is brought to you by sauce i have seven seven sauces. What's your favorite sauce? Worcestershire?

Hot? All right. But anyway, so this guy was like, this guy was like, for some reason, he comes in there often, and he usually gets a pancake, like, after he eats breakfast for some reason. What's his breakfast? I don't know, but it has applesauce. I can tell you that much. Wait, is this the writer guy? Yeah.

Yeah. He's like a teacher or something? Yeah, yeah. Here, pull that. I didn't, I don't feel, but it has applesauce. I can tell you that much. Wait, is this the writer guy? Yeah. Yeah. He's like a teacher or something? Yeah, yeah. Pull that. I didn't, I don't feel, not the Hopkins professor who, what are you doing? I want it closer to your mouth. There you go. Not the Hopkins professor who had a stroke.

Okay, yeah, that's who I was thinking of. Okay, no, not him. He's cool too, though. He gave me a copy of his book, The Antichrist, which is really good. Yeah, he gave me a copy of a couple of his plays. Anyways, no, it's some other guy who I think also teaches at Hopkins. But he has his applesauce left over from his initial breakfast, and now he's going into the pancake phase.

Now, are we talking that he brings his own applesauce in? No, no, we have applesauce to the moon. Okay. And he, and so he, you know, I ask if they want anything else because he's with a woman. And he's like, well, I'd like a pancake for my applesauce. And then he elaborates, I don't need any syrup. I'm just going to use my applesauce. So he says, like, hey, I would like a pancake for my applesauce.

Well, no, he said it exactly how I said it. Just to be clear. Just to be clear. I will be. Yeah. I don't need syrup. Right. Because I'm going to mix these motherfuckers. Yeah.

Yeah. But he, you know, he really thought I was going to be as impressed with this idea of using applesauce with a pancake as he was. Uh-huh. And that's pretty much it. That's. impressed with this idea of using applesauce with a pancake as he was. And that's pretty much it. What was his style? Did he put it in the middle and wrap it up like a burrito and just bite into it? I don't know. Was he dipping?

Or was he using it as a chaser? Was he rubbing it in his gums like Coke? He's putting it on his pinky. Now that's good sauce. Blows it up that woman's ass. Mike just snorted applesauce for those listening. I don't know. I didn't pay attention.

I will next time, though, if it happens again, and I think it probably will. Listen, I'll tell you this. I appreciate this guy. Because I feel like applesauce is an underrated condiment. Okay. Now, I catch a lot of shit for this. And I'm fine with that. You put it on your steak and you dip your fries in it.

I have caviar. I'm just dumping it. Pour it on your salad. What do you possibly use? I have aiar. I'm just dumping it. Pour it on your salad. What do you possibly use? I have a hot dog. Just pour it some applesauce. You're like grinding it onto your salad. Say what?

Okay. Let me preface this. Sure. There's a couple questions for you. How do you feel about apples in general? As far as fruit go, I'd say they're pretty far up on the totem pole.

The fruit totem pole. That's a good looking totem pole, by the way. Thank you. Got some pineapples and melons. How do you feel about cheese? I like it. For those listening, I'm holding a gun to Mike's head.

I'm not the biggest cheese fan on the planet. Okay. When I was a vegetarian, that was my favorite substitute. Get closer to that thing, would you? That was my favorite substitute. Even in high school? I wasn't a vegetarian in high school. I was talking about teachers.

Anyway, listen. You like cheese. You like applesauce. Sure. Now, you're familiar with the wine and cheese party. I know you don't drink wine, but sometimes there'll be some fruit with the cheese. Yeah, we actually did a little bit of that. Not wine, but, well, other people did at my dad's birthday dinner the other night.

Oh, and did you have maybe some apples with some cheese? No. Did other people enjoy apples? No. Absolutely not. No. This is a party. End of discussion.

This broadcast is over. I cannot do this. This interview is over. I reject the premise of the question. Jim, I'm not answering that. It's funny. For some reason, they always know the reporters' names. Bill, come on, man.

Deborah Wiener. Quit it. Wien. Wien dog. Everybody has to. Listen, okay. Tracy Balls. I got to get to the point here.

Okay. I would be a worse last name than Balls. Wiener. We'll come back to that, too. Now, I like a grilled cheese. Sure. Now, I remember being, as a young man, my mother would serve. As a young man, I'd have a grilled cheese.

Was this before you were in the service? Yeah. Okay. We had the Kaiser on the run, as I recall. Right. And we had the grilled cheese and a side of applesauce. Now, I'm supposed to eat them separate. Then one day, it just dawned on me.

Right. Why not dip the old grilled cheese in the applesauce? Yeah. Now, that has spread to me sometimes, even to this day, if I'm feeling super lazy. Putting cheese and apples in a blender together. Snorting it. And just going on a murderous masturbatory rampage masturbatory yeah i i shoot i shoot twice shoot guns shoot my dick

anyway okay mac i i like uh mac and cheese you like mac and cheese and i'll dip that i'll get a nice spoonful of mac and cheese mac and cheese i get a nice spoonful of mac and cheese. You like mac and cheese. And I'll dip that. I'll get a nice spoonful of mac and cheese. I get a nice spoonful of mac and cheese, and I dip it in applesauce. That doesn't make any logical sense. It's good. Cheese and apples. You could possibly submerge a spoonful of mac and cheese in applesauce, reemerge it, and then eat it. But dipping?

That doesn't make any sense. It would slide off of the... Dipping is a term. It's in the name... Dunking. You're dunking is what you're doing. I'm dipping and dunking. I'm crazy. You cannot dip.

By definition, you cannot dip a spoonful of mac and cheese. Sure I can. You know how many boys you're going to lose? I'll go get them. I'll go on a reconnaissance mission. I'll get them back. Well, I'd say you're generally dunking, perhaps occasionally dipping. Well, can we agree on that?

Fine. Fine. You win this round, you fucking... Just say it. Jew. Are you going to say Latino? Yep. What do you think of that?

You grossed out by that? Latinos? Dip Latinos in applesauce. What do you think of that? We call mac and cheese at the diner Latinos, so I can just imagine what that... A lot of mac and cheese tonight. What do you think of that, Mike? Dip my grilled cheese in applesauce. I'm okay with that. I'll be honest, I'm finding the pancake applesauce. I'm okay with that. All right. It's not even so. I'm okay with it. I'll be honest.

I'm finding the pancake applesauce idea to be stimulating. I enjoy it. I'm open to it. That is not what I'm offended by. I am offended by this guy being mediocre. This fella? Oh, okay. And him thinking he's like above.

No, the opposite i don't like him trying to bring me down to his level of mundaneness and human boring attude oh okay i thought i thought you were mad that he thought he was gonna knock your dick in the dirt by being like applesauce yeah there's that too okay geez well he he thought he's gonna knock my dick in the dirt by being like, applesauce? Yeah, there's that too. Okay, jeez. Well, he thought he was going to knock my dick in the dirt with mediocrity. And you said, no, sir. And I said, no, I'm going to go read Plato.

And play with Play-Doh. Yeah. Okay. For the longest time, I thought that Play-Doh was called Play-Doh. Maybe even to adulthood. The philosopher was Plato? No, I thought that the Plato was like name after Plato. Ah, because he always made stars

and crescent moons out of weird paste. What is Plato? I don't know. Oh, some guy, I guess. Write in, guys. Tell us. I think it's Clay. Let us know. He's's Clay. Let us know.

He's mostly Clay. Let us know. God, what was I going to say? It's weird how Clay exists in nature. Yeah. Yeah. You'd think there'd be something made in the factory. Especially walking on that stuff.

It's weird. You ever done that? Yeah. I like it. You ever walk on Clay? What about these Clay tennis courts? What's up with that? Yeah. It leaves a mark when the ball hits. What's up with that? Yeah, it leaves a mark when the ball hits.

What's up with that? Isn't the ball just, like, covered in clay after a while? It just becomes, like, 50 pounds. Yeah. Just covered in clay. It's like, Jesus Christ. Lobbying it over. All right, Mike.

I think we could bring this thing into the station. I think so, too, but we're not going to. Anything else you want to talk about? Oh, buddy. Buddy. Testing one. Testing one. Hello.

We got a power outage. We got no power. There we go. How's Unscripted going? Unscripted, the completely improvised two-act play by the Baltimore Improv Group. Is that what you're talking about? No, I'm sorry.

I meant Grand Theft Auto. Oh, Grand Theft Auto. Beat it. Beat it. Fine. I'm out of here. I can tell when I'm not wanted. I meant to say I beat the game. The weird thing about Grand Theft Auto is I beat the game, but it tells you how much, whenever you save it, it's like, you've completed

this percentage of the game. When I beat the game, I've only completed 66% of the game. So there's still, by my count, 400% more. Isn't that called not beating the game? Well, you beat the... Well, I beat Mario. Of course, I'm only at level three, but...

This is like the oldest man. I've beat the Mario. Why do you keep positioning my microphone so that I'm at a level of submissive meekness towards you? Well, that's how I like it. You can raise it. Let's take a break. There you go.

Easy now. Easy now. Easy now. Comfortable? Good? Yeah. And that was the mic adjusting segment of the podcast. Mic adjust. Comfortable? Yeah Good? Yeah And that was the mic adjusting segment of the podcast Mic adjust, mic adjust

No, there's just a bunch of random things you can do Like, there's this thing where Just kind of, some of it's fun This one is pretty annoying Sometimes you have to, like, take a driving test Yeah, you do You have to, like, take flying tests and stuff like that. When you're riding around, stuff will pop up on the map.

You're like, oh, let me go check this out. And it happened to be this one time. I find this fella. He's stuck in a tree. He has a parachute attached to him. He's stuck in a tree. What? And then the mission, he's like, hey, thanks, man.

You ever want to go, you want to jump out of a plane? Like, okay, cool. So I thought that's all it was going to be. Like, I just jump out. Maybe I have to kill somebody or something. So we jump out of this plane. I have to land on an exact, like, target. And then I land on that.

And there's two BMX bikes. And we're on top of a mountain. He's like, alright, now race me down. Sounds awesome. So now I'm just pressing X as hard as I can to race this guy down a mountain. And that's all it is. It's just annoying. Why do you have to press X?

To pedal down the mountain? To pedal faster. Oh, okay. So you go from these missions where you're like, let's rob this bank and then we'll get in a speedboat. Oh, honestly. But if you think about it, it's like the amount of vigor I'm putting into it. I should just be riding a bike outside. I'm just like,

oh, I got to beat this fake guy with my fake character. Well, yeah. I mean, that's kind of the point of video games is that you don't have to do any of the work. Yeah.

You sure you can't just go down the mountain? No, because I kept flying off. I tried to shoot the guy. I tried to fly off the mountain. It was just like, mission failed. And here I was. Why did they never make an updated paperboy?

Oh, yeah. That would have been fucking awesome. Going around the neighborhood doing flips and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Going down chimneys. Stealing pies off of sills. Delivering myrrh to all the boys and girls. Yeah.

Let's talk Unscripted. I believe you mentioned Unscripted. No, we're on paper, boy, now. You had your chance. Unscripted's been fun. I had my first two shows last weekend, and I kissed two people. Really? Two kisses.

Where? It was backstage. Didn't count for the show. It was great. Cool. No, it was on stage. I mean, where on the body? Lips.

Nice. Both times. First time, kissed this hot chick named David LaSalle. And then the next night, I kissed Catherine. Wow. I was in last night's show. No kisses. no kisses. No kisses.

So you're using your performances to cheat, basically. Oh, yeah. It's all under the guise of art. Right. So when we do the show, we ask somebody in the audience just for a quick little anecdote about something important that happened to them over the past year. And this guy told a story about he was dating this guy for like eight years. Then he suddenly left him. And so I played that guy.

Dave was the guy I fell in love with. And one of the things we practiced with Unscripted, it's been really intense. Like we practiced kissing dudes. I could see you just trying to ask some good-looking guy, you're trying to force a relationship scene so you can kiss a hot girl. Just being like, so why don't you tell me about your last romance? He's like, well, his name was Bruce.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. Anybody here go on vacation this summer? I think I heard hot girl was the suggestion. Okay. Thank you very much. No, penis.

Get him out of here. Get out. What if I was just like the creepy improv guy that was just constantly trying to find ways to hook up with women on stage? Hey. Oh, God. I'm good. You want to kiss old Uncle Mac? You're not even a character. You're just calling yourself by your own name.

Hey. I'm Mike. Hey, you want to? I'm Mike Moran. You want to put some applesauce on my pancake? Hey, we're doing a sex scene. Did somebody say sex? That's how you start

scenes saying what they are. Look, Mary, I'm not gonna pay you to rub your boobs on my face. You have to want to do it. Yeah, so we had that relationship where I played this guy who fell in love with Dave.

It was a lot of fun. It started out, and then you ask people where they want to travel in the world, and somebody said the Grand Canyon. So it started out with Catherine and Fred, two really funny improvisers, and they were at the Grand Canyon, but they kept calling it the Hole. And the Grand Canyon had these magical powers. The Hole.

Yeah, and then Fred was just like these magical powers and hole. Yeah. And then Fred was just like, tell the hole, the whole nose and like the gray. So it was weird. I like this magical element. And, uh,

Jess Hankin played like this kind of witch. And, uh, cause she, uh, it was a really funny moment where we have set pieces and stuff. And we have this, uh, like a bucket that we made look like a tree stump and they're around a camp around the hole and uh jess was saying something and she moved one of the tree stumps

and katherine pulled like a classic kind of improviser move where you call somebody out on their shit like throwing them under the bus a little bit you know and uh she's like oh my god how did you move that tree stump and then uh you know like they just kept going at her a little bit which was like a little like wink to the audience right we're not supposed to do it unscripted i guess but um crowd really liked it it was really funny and then uh katherine's like she's a witch she's a witch and fred was just like he's kind of this redneck guy but he was always very level headed he's like no no she uses her powers for good. It's okay. It's all right. So I ended up being the son of Catherine and Fred,

who are, like, these rednecks but, like, really understanding. And I had to come out to them that I was gay. And it was just really, it was, like, this really, like, touching thing. And Fred's like, I've always known. I love you. And you're like, you do, like. It is rare when you can get some, like, honest emotion into an honest emotion into an improv well no but that's what unscripted is like we i was gonna say doing during the rehearsals um i i imagine it's like these it has to be very similar to like an acting class because there were

scenes where people were legitimately crying in rehearsal really yeah good lord because you have to do that stuff like not every play is like, super serious because everybody wants to have fun in the end. But there are those, like, touching moments. So, you know, we practice stuff where it's like, yeah. Yeah, it's probably a good thing to do. Like, I never think to try and actually be emotional. Yeah, well, I think that's really where the comedy is, too. Like, if you think about all the great comedies, like, anybody that, even if you're playing it straight, like, if you're the straight man, I mean, like, the fact that you man i mean like the fact that you're being like so honest about it right the emotions is where

like the comedy is yeah but with this stuff since it's a two-act play you have to really like invest in the relationship over the arc and uh so yeah so you can have those touching moments where where it's like you know i love you even though you're gay but we can have fun that there's like a witch there and all this stuff and like joking around. And then eventually I asked Dave to marry me, and he left me at the altar, and that's how the play ends. Wow.

So it's like this super sweet and then kind of like sad thing. Right. And that's online now, actually, if you go on YouTube and look up Big Improv. Awesome. I'll look that up. Yeah. It was really cool. But last night I didn't feel as...

Like, last night, Prescott said everybody was kind of melancholy. I just didn't feel in the zone last night. It was weird. Yeah. It was just like... Yeah, I struggle with that, too. Like, really in general, let alone on stage. Yeah.

I just never know when I'm going to be, like, at my sharpest or, like, a total amateur, you know? Yeah, yesterday I was just in a weird mood kind of going into it. But you always get better as you do it. It's always three steps forward, two steps back. Yeah, and I think this is hard. Like Unscripted's been a lot of fun because everybody's so supportive in the cast. And it's a thing where like if you're not performing that night, you're probably doing tech or you're working like the front.

So it has like this really like collaborative kind of supportive element. And so when you feel you don't do as good you're like oh i let everybody down right you know but everybody else did great and you know i i was okay i was just kind of one of those characters that was kind of like a on the side and kind of help you know help the other people yeah i generally whenever i'm i'm like feeling bad about myself like sorry guys i just wasn't in the zone tonight people are usually like huh you know like yeah nobody else really notices yeah i i think um i think stan like uh doing stand-up i have that element too where it's you know it's just like if it's not a home run to you you know like most people like oh that was fun but you're like oh well if i would have said these

other three words or if i would have fucking done that callback i forgot about it been way better you know stuff that they don't even know it These fucking pancake applesauce-eating peons. But just really quickly, I just thought about this. Nope, we're out of time. Do you think it's possible to evoke any other emotions besides comedy, obviously, or humor?

Uh-huh. And, you know, like, sentiment in improv. You know, like obviously we can be funny. Sometimes we can be touching. But I think that's what I was saying. I think that's where something I'm trying to work on is you can have all that stuff where it's funny, like just like wordplay and just like witty kind of like going at it.

But then a lot of times, so if the relationships, if you have an established character who has a certain point of view, if you commit to that, as crazy as it is, like saying Jess as this witch, which if everybody was like, you're a witch? That's weird. But it was just normal for that scene. So her commitment to that and then everybody else kind of supporting it at the same time, I think, brings the comedy out. So it's that type of thing where it's just if your sense of commitment to it

definitely will facilitate that. Has been my thing. And I like playing the goofy kind of stuff. With Gus, I feel like it gets pretty wacky pretty quick. But you always need somebody to kind of ground it. You can't just all be like, we're on a fire truck on Mars. Oh, this is crazy. Is that one on tape?

Yeah. Sweet. Fire truck on Mars. Does it have a ladder? You'll have to watch, Mike. Oh, I want to know now. Nope. You'll have to watch, Mike. Oh, I want to know now. Nope. You'll have to watch later.

So Unscripted is good. I'll be doing some more show. I don't know when this is going to come out. But Unscripted, everybody else is really great. It's a rotating cast of maybe like 15 people or so or something like that. So, yeah, come on out. Shows are going to be going on all through the 15th, I think. Oh, on the 15th, it's going to be really fun. We had this woman come in.

She writes erotic fiction. Nice. And she is going to partner up with us. She's going to read a piece, just a random piece from one of her books. And we're going to have to use that as input. It's going to like read a piece, just a random piece from one of her books. And we're going to have to use that as, as, as input. It's going to be the show.

It's going to be on the 15th, the show after, uh, Valentine's day. So it's going to have this romantic thing, but her fiction is exactly like the, like the stuff you think of. It's like,

it's like she was turned on and he knew it went to her blouse and unbuttoned, you know, it's like we did a a couple practices with her. We would do a couple scenes, and then our director, Prescott, he's like, so where do you think this would go? She's like, oh, they'd be having sex, and then she's in love with him, but he's cheating on her and all this weird stuff. So it's going to get sexual.

Sounds good. Real quick. Now silence. Now you stare at me creepily. Off the lambs. And lick your lips. Anything else

you want to talk about, Mike? No, I don't think so. No? Okay. Okay, playa. Okay, playa. I'm going to be in skeptic again next quarter.

Jesus, you're always in skeptic. And I'm going to be in Skeptic again next quarter. Jesus, you're always in Skeptic. And I'm going to try for another one. Lean into that microphone. They're going to publish the... They're going to publish my novel. The Brad Warner review that I did. Yes.

That was only on the online one. It'll be in the next physical one. And then I'm going to try to figure out if the Pied Piper really existed. Finally. Yeah. Thank you. Wait, what do you mean, the Pied Piper? Apparently it's based on a true story.

Okay. It started as a legend of something that really happened. What is the legend of the Pied Piper? Well, that's what we're going to explore. What we know is that there was some tragedy in Hamelin involving children. And there's Pied Piper imagery surrounding it. It had nothing to do with rats. What is a Pied Piper imagery?

There was a stained glass window with a piper playing a flute. Is that what a piper is? Well, a Pied Piper means a musician dressed. Is it Kenny G? Is Kenny G the Pied Piper? No, he couldn't be because if you let me finish, Pied implies like a musician dressed. Is it Kenny G? Was it Kenny G? Dressed. Is Kenny G the Pied Piper? No, he couldn't be because if you let me finish, Pied implies that he's dressed like Elton John or something. I'm going to let you finish, but Kenny G was the best Pied Piper of all time. He's dressed flamboyantly.

That's what Pied means, I think. Really? Yeah. Pied. You is Pied. We should bring that back. I'm in all Pied. You are looking pied.

It just means fat in our society. That guy's pied up. She's gotten a little pied over the years. A little pied. Send me info for all your shows so I can put those on the website. I don't really have that many shows coming up though outside of open mics. Okay.

Okay. Okay. So yeah, you're usually at Sidebar on Monday nights, right? Yes. And then Little Havana. Excuse me,

I'm a little plowed. Which is kind of a big sidebar, strangely. Big sidebar. Yeah, so any dates we'll have on digressionsessions.com slash calendar, as always. We've been getting some donations, which have been nice. Oh, really?

Yeah, which has been going to pay for the podcast. Awesome. We'll read a few of those names next time, but I forgot to print those out. That's how much we value our listeners. But your stickers should be arriving soon So thank you to everybody that's listening You can follow us on Twitter

As always, I'm at BetterRobotJosh And I am at MichaelMoran10 There he is The podcast itself is at DigSeshPod Yeah, feel free to hit that donate button Mike, is that your phone ringing? Yeah, but it's not this I got a new

phone oh this is my old ipod mike picked up his shoe for everybody i just learned how to answer it yesterday too i'd like yeah what is you and technology you're like i don't know how to answer my phone i think they made it that way on purpose like what if what if i just like got a phone that doesn't answer like this does Does this not have answering ability? No, it just goes to the machine. I didn't know you wanted that feature. It goes to the machine. So you have an answering machine with your cell phone.

I hook it up to my answering machine, yeah. Is it possible to hook a phone up to an answering machine? 1987. Yeah. The first time I heard an answering machine, it don't know. 1987? Yeah. The first time I heard an answering machine blew my mind. It was 1997.

No, it was... Yeah. Radman and Robin was in theaters. Radman and Robin? Yeah. It was a parody of Radman and Robin.

Starring Redman. Weirdly enough. I was watching Red and Method on NBC. Remember that was like briefly a sitcom No I liked How High though I remember liking that

I believe you Okay alright We're digressing a bit here Let's wrap this thing up Let's wrap it up Hey Mike If you like somebody Tell somebody Let's wrap this thing up. Let's wrap it up. Hey, Mike? Yeah. If you like somebody, tell somebody.

Yeah! All right, let's try it again where our voices don't crack. Okay. Let's go real deep this time. Bill. I'm warming up. Am I Bill? Bill. No, I'm doing the real world.

Oh. I thought you were trying to get Bill's attention. Two. What? I'm referencing the second real world. Who's Bill? I don't know, but they say it in the opening credits trying to get Bill's attention. What? I'm referencing the second real world. Who's Bill? I don't know, but they say it in the opening credits. They say Bill?

Bill? Yeah, it's like the one with Dominic where he's like, pick to live in a house like the Irish guy and the country guy. For some reason, he's like, Bill. What a weird reference. Tammy was there. Glenn. What a weird reference. Tammy. Who's there? Glenn. What a weird reference.

David. Puck. Puck's in the second? Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. Maybe the... I think he was the third, actually.

Yeah. Yeah, he was the third. Okay. Judd. Apatow. Who's there? Okay. Hey, Mike.

Why not? Mike. Hey, Mike. Yeah. If you like somebody. Tell somebody. That's right. Okay. Hey, Mike. Why not? Mike. Hey, Mike. Yeah. If you like somebody. Tell somebody. That's right. Thanks for listening, everybody.

We love you. Guys, we love you.