The Digression Sessions - Ep. 109 - Dana Bell!

Episode Date: February 17, 2014

Follow us on Twitter! @DanaCBell @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 @DigSeshPod And come see Josh and Mike do improv and stand up live! DigressionSessions.com/Calendar  !!! *** On this week’s episode, Mike has to work and Josh sits down with the hilarious DC based comedian, Dana Bell! Dana works for Media Matters, but you know what else matters to her? COMEDY! Josh and Dana discuss Dana’s job at Media Matters, creepily hanging around Dave Grohl, talking to Barack Obama, tweeting,  the nostalgia bating of buzzfeed, eat drinking chocolate milk, Macgruber, how Dads don’t get improv comedy, and Josh’s dad’s battle against a moldy tasty cake. Thanks for all the support as always Dig Heads! If you feel so inclined, feel free to donate to the Dig Sesh! We have a donate button on DigressionSessions.com, and any support is much appreciated! We will send you a Digression Sessions sticker in return and the money goes towards hosting services! Also find us and say hi on our Facebook page! And come see us live! 

What was the line? I love ya! Uh, it is, uh, the digression sessions. Yeah, the digression sessions. Not your grandpa's third favorite podcast. In Baltimore. In Baltimore. The digression sessions.

Not your grandpa's third favorite podcast. In. In. Baltimore. Baltimore. In. I'm sorry. In.

En Español. Por. I'm sorry. In. En Español. Por Fútbol. Okay. Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey everybody, I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to The Degression Sessions Podcast, a Baltimore-based comedy talk show

hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers. Join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians, writers, musicians, and anyone else we find creative and interesting. Yes.

Who's the guest this week? Dana Bell is the guest on this week's program. Dana Bell! Dana's a comedian based out of the D.C. area. You can find her on Twitter, at Dana C. Bell, for her very funny tweets, as well as when she'll be performing live. I met Dana doing stand-up, and she just started

doing improv not too long ago. So we chat all about that and how unless you were at a show or in a show, you probably don't care about that improv show, especially if you're one of our dads. We learned that improv stories just don't translate unless you're involved, and especially if you're a dad. Dads just don't get improv. But yeah, this was a super fun chat. Dana's super funny, and we talked all about the time that she almost met Dave Grohl and the time that she talked to Barack Obama. We talked about comedy in general and us being hungover and being total badasses. Mike could not be there for this show, but yeah, it was still a good chat. It was a nice little one-on-one.

And I hope you guys enjoy it. And like I said, go follow Dana at Dana C. Bell. And a couple more plugs for your favorite pair of earbuds. Me, Josh, Cotton Candy Coderna. You can find me on Twitter at Better Robot Josh. And Mike, Tugboat Moran. You guys like that dramatic pause? Uh, you can find him at Michael Moran 10 and we've got some shows coming up this week. Uh, Friday, no Thursday,

February 20th. I will be at the topaz in DC, uh, doing standup at 8 PM, uh, Friday, February 21st. Mike and I will be in Baltimore at 10 PM at the Meadowmill theater.

And we're going to be hosting and performing in our stand-up improv mashup show. It's one of my favorite shows to do. We're going to have three comedians and three improv troops, and we'll be doing improv based off of their stand-up, using their stand-up set as an input. We're going to have Nick Oldershaw, Natalie McGill, and Mike Stork there. It's going to be awesome. And then on the 22nd, I'll be back in D.C. doing stand-up at the Joint Custody Record Store.

This is going to be a lot of fun. It's going to be a really cool show. As usual, all of our dates are posted at digressionsessions.com slash calendar. So come see us live. Come follow us on Twitter. Yeah, we really appreciate you guys listening. We've been getting a lot of

good downloads across the pond. And that's the sound of everyone overseas turning off the podcast. No, I really appreciate it. Mike and I both really appreciate all those that listen And I think it's really cool that the podcast

Is getting an international audience And we want to hear from you I want to know how you guys found the podcast Maybe it's a complete accident Maybe you hate the podcast Maybe you have listening parties Just to trash us, I don't know Even so, the downloads

They make us feel good We like them So yeah, if you're a new listener, we really appreciate that. Or if you're listening outside of the U.S., that's fucking great. We want to hear from you. Hit us up on Twitter, at BetterRobotJosh, that's me, or at Michael Moran10. Or find us on Facebook, the Digression sessions, a podcast, a page. Um, yeah, just say hi or let us know what your favorite moments are, anything like that. And we'll send out some, uh, some dig sesh swag to you. So yeah, I mean, that's about it. I'm done rambling and, uh, yeah, I, I can't stress that enough that we really appreciate, uh, all those that listen, um, come see us live, follow Dana on Twitter. And I think that's it. Let's just get into the episode. Yes, we love you.

Okay, that should be good. All right, cool. All right. All right, cool. All right. All right. Dana Bell. Hello. Hey. Hi.

Hey. I understand you have back problems. I'm just kidding. I do. Let's talk about it. Let's go back to your back problem talk. Back problem talk. Everyone's favorite subject.

Personal body pain. We all have it. We all have it one way or another. Yeah, let me tell you about my hips, which I'm kind of worried about. Oh, really? I think they're related. I like that. Most chicks bragging about their hips.

You, you're like, I have hip pain. My hips don't lie. They're in a lot of pain. Well, I'm sorry that you're in pain. It's okay. It's not that much pain. Yeah? All right.

And it's just kind of just from existing, not really like a sports injury or... No, it's still... I think I'm like five. Hold on. God, I feel so bad. I should have adjusted this earlier. Are you good now? Yeah, I'm comfortable.

Okay. All right. Sitting up perfectly straight. Excellent posture. Yes, I'm trying. Dana Yeah, I'm comfortable. Okay. All right. Sitting up perfectly straight. Excellent posture. Yes, I'm trying. Dana Bell. I'm trying. You're doing great.

Thank you. Doing great. Thank you. We got our coffee. You did some work, you know? Yep. Which is how most guests do. They show up to my house and they're like, hey, I need your laptop so I can do some work.

That's what podcasts are for, right? It really is. It's just like a productivity workshop. Yeah. I'm one step away from being a library. People just show up and use my shit for free. Yep. Urinate in the corner where the periodicals are.

That's why I came all the way from D.C. I was like, God, I hope Josh has internet and a computer. You're just worried for that hour train ride, fingers crossed. Yep. Although I noticed you have a very old macbook okay the listeners did not need to know that which is but it's the one that i have yeah the white the white macbook how long have you had that i don't know what has it been like seven years 70 years 70 years yeah i mean 70 years ago it was really cool yeah now not so much it's

impressive that you've been able to keep it that long. Yeah. Yeah. Well, as you can tell, a lot of the keys are kind of brown, which is weird. Do you know how to clean it? You see that my MacBook's disgusting. It's not even that. Only the keys.

If you use rubbing alcohol, if you get like a Q-tip, it's so satisfying. And I highly recommend it. Are you a very clean person? No, no. Not at all. Absolutely not. Not even close. No, but I have cleaned my MacBook, and I have the same one.

It's really satisfying and gross to clean it. Do you use it at work, too? No, I don't. Okay. I try to use it for work, but I can't really anymore. Like, Tumblr doesn't work on it. Really? I can't use it.

Yeah, I can't. Like. Like Tumblr doesn't work on it. Really? I can't use it. Yeah, I can't. Like Safari's like, nah. Yeah, so I can't use Tumblr. Uh-huh. And what else doesn't work? I don't know. There are a couple websites that it doesn't support anymore because the technology has gone too far. Pornhub, that type of thing.

Yeah. Etsy. Yeah, Pornhub, come on. Yeah, that happened to me. I had Spotifyify it was like get the new version for free and i was like okay so i downloaded it's like oh bro this isn't compatible with your whatever so you got to upgrade that and then i go to upgrade it and max like or apple's like now we don't do it for this yeah I can't even back up my iPhone with my computer anymore because I can't

get the new iTunes. It's too old now. I just haven't backed my iPhone up in I think 40 weeks. I would never do that. I have some app backup assistant, but I would never plug it into this because I think my iPod

would just self-combust. It doesn't work anymore. It would just self-combust or something. Yeah, it doesn't work anymore. It would just somehow end up in a fire and then in water and just get ruined. Every part of it. Every single fucking part of it. I'm very nervous about it, definitely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate that shit, though, with technology.

They're just like, oh, man, it's not compatible with this. I guess you got to buy a new laptop, huh? It's like, no, that's not fair man it's not compatible with this i guess you gotta buy a new laptop huh yeah no that's not fair it's not even that i mean seven years it's like old but it's not that old like it should be 10 years at least yeah like chinese people slaved over this right and all of a sudden i just need to get a new one yeah it's still where i can still watch netflix on it yeah that's my like as long as i can still watch netflix on it i'm fine and i'm not gonna get a new computer because do you have a tv yes look at you bragging bragging bragging again yeah um we can get that netflix app on the tv dog i know well yeah i don't know how to do that okay i didn't know that that was a possibility. Yeah, I, again, I don't want to brag. Seven-year-old laptop.

I also have a TV that connects to the internet, and it's the best. Oh, like a, wait, Roku? No, no, no. Like, the TV itself has, like, a Wi-Fi thing. That's crazy. Yeah, so I get, like, it has apps on the TV, like a Netflix app, a YouTube app, a Pornhub app. What? It makes it way easier.

An Etsy app. There is shit like Facebook and stuff. I don't know why you would ever do that on your TV. Yeah, you just want high-def pictures of your friends. Like, I really want to see this BuzzFeed list in high-def. Yeah, like, oh, who got married? Who's having a baby? Let's see it in high-def.

Oh. Yeah, friend's ugly baby. Just need it on a big screen. That's the name of her album, like, My Ugly Baby. Hey, I hope that if I have a baby and it's ugly, that I'm going to be honest about it. Really? You think you will?

Maybe. The whole time? Like, hey, here's my ugly monster of a baby. I mean, i'm pretty sure i'm not gonna have an ugly baby so i i'm not super worried about it but if i did i'd like to think that like we'd be cool that takes a lot of courage thank you good for you good for you in the face of adversity you're being you you know yeah and that's that's important i'm gonna be a dick to my future child and i'm ready to admit that now you just have to commit even if it's a gorgeous

baby now you just committed like oh look at this fucking i'm gonna call well because i don't want it to get like an inflated sense of self-esteem oh yeah yeah break it down early yeah break it down early exactly so the work you did on my computer, what is it that you do exactly? What if you just hack some shit on my computer? Like, can I just use your thing real quick? Yeah. I wish I worked for the NSA. And I'm just installing this thing.

Edward Snowding-ing my computer. Snowden-ing. Snowden-ing. Yeah. We're Snowdening. Snowdening. We're snowed in. That's what a kooky NSA worker said when he found out they'd been hacked. We've been snowed in. He took all our files.

And they're like, that's not funny, John. He's like, yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. I'm going to recall that email. Too bad I sent it to all staff. Everyone in the NSA. Oops. Sorry.

Maybe shouldn't have included that Beyonce gift. Oh, boy. Anyway, come see my improv troupe, y'all. We're going to be a lot of fun. So, yeah, what is it? What the fuck do you do? So I work for this thing called Media Matters, which is a website that does fact checking of mostly conservative misinformation, quote-unquote. And then, so we publish stuff every day.

And then I, along with another woman, will work on social media to put it out into the internet. To the world, right. Yeah, so that includes tweeting and putting it on Facebook, Tumblr, Pinterest. Etsy. You got like a. You need to drop the Etsy. Sorry. I'm just trying to.

I'm advertising for Etsy. Are you selling something on there? I don't work for the fabulous website Etsy. Etsy.com slash Josh Kaderna. I don't know what you're talking about. Oven mitts shaped like my face. What? I don't know what you're talking about. Oven mitts shaped like my face? What? I don't know.

No. I didn't know. Well, that sounds fun. It's cool. Yeah. Yeah. It's okay. Yeah.

Does all that stuff wear you out? All the politics stuff? Because it's just never ending. Yeah. I mean, it's very specific. Like, I thought it would be more i was like i'm gonna learn so much about the news and the news cycle and then you you don't really because there's such a specific like set of things that like fox or any of the or like wnd well i guess we don't

really do wnd. But like Fox. I said it. Whoa. A lot of people didn't want me to say it. You're going to get some conspiracy theorists who are going to be coming up in this podcast talking about the Illuminati. Good. Hey, WND heads, suck it. Uh-oh.

I don't know. That's a firestorm. I don't know if you're prepared to start. I'm ready. Okay. Me and my seven-year-old MacBook, if I could say it. Uh-oh. I don't know. That's a firestorm. I don't know if we're prepared to start. I'm ready. Okay. Me and my seven-year-old MacBook, if I could say it. My MacBook. My MacBook.

Mach. Mach Book. But you're not learning anything? It's just general stuff? Oh, no. Well, I am. It's just like very, you know, it's a lot of Benghazi stuff. I know a lot about Benghazi. I know about certain nominees for the district courts.

Oh. What else? So at parties, you're just trying to throw out specific stuff. I'm like, what do you guys think of Debo Adigbele? I think that I pronounced his name wrong. And we just did a thing about how everyone was pronouncing his name wrong. Anyway, it doesn't matter. You're like, what about this?

The judge guy, right? You guys know about him? He was on Sesame Street. It's adorable. Anyway, and now he's... What was he doing there? He was a child. He was what?

He was a child. Oh. He was one of the child actors. Like in the 70s. I thought he was just recently on as a judge. Oh, no, no. Oscar. A judge?

On Sesame Street? I don't know. Sesame Street Idol? Sorry, Oscar. You're not allowed. To be homeless anymore. You're not advancing to the next round. This whole run has just been a competition.

Atrocious. Atrocious at best. Yeah. Yeah, so i work for social security administration and and uh one of my earlier jobs was uh i'd have to get uh certain articles related to like we worked in the office budgets and stuff stuff related to our appropriation and Congress and all that stuff. Yeah. And some of, actually what Alaje does at like, what is it? National Journal. Yeah, I'd have to summarize some articles from there.

It's just like, you just see how much BS everything is. It's like. Yeah, well, especially with social, I used to work at a social security nonprofit lobbying firm. Really? Yeah, so I know a lot of social. So I know you're a comedian, but can you talk right into that mic? Oh yeah. I might not.

Wait, you're just a little to the side of it. Oh, sorry. Okay. There you go. I was getting too cash. I mean,

you can lean in too much. Hey, that's what a good podcast. Right. Yeah. It's like you forget that you have headphones tethered to you. And there's a thing here. Yes.

Political talk. Social security. Let's talk about the trust fund. Is it going to run out? We'll find out after this. Yes. In 2037 or whatever. Yeah. yes in 2037 or whatever um yeah so i would uh i'd have to like summarize all that stuff and i hated it because it was just so obvious it was like republicans want to blah blah you know they're

like hey we think spending uh we're spending too much and it's bad and democrats are like yeah us too but we want to do it differently and you're like right it's just so obvious it's all like posturing well and like back when i was working there it was a lot of like it was they were re-upping the grand bargain thing so they're like you know let's what ways are we gonna cut social security like let's do what about a cola getting rid of let's do a chain cpi and you're just like and and like what we do and my job now is like have focused on certain newspapers and like coverage of social security and it's like overwhelmingly like pro cutting it always it's crazy i know it's very sad yeah no it's it is

really sad especially when you realize that we're gonna if we see any of that money by the time we can retire, it will be so minuscule. You know what I mean? Yeah. They'll probably figure something out. Hopefully. There are a bunch of ways that they can figure something out. It just depends on if they're going to or they want to, which is up in the air. Yeah.

You know? Well, one of the craziest things is up to, I think it's like $108,000. If you make $108,000 a year versus somebody that makes like $108 million a year, they pay the same into Social Security. Right. And that's crazy. Yeah. There's like a bunch of stuff where it's like, how many days do people pay into like Kobe Bryant or something? And it's like, he's done paying into Social Security for the year on like the 5th of January. Yeah.

And then that's it. Yeah. Yeah. Just the interest he makes on like whatever's in his bank account. He's good. Yeah. For like that day. Yeah.

But you and I, the common working man and woman, you know, updating our Facebooks and stuff. Yeah. We are going broke. Poor. Paying into it with our fucking bullshit 401k right god yeah whatever whatever politics yeah no it's terrible i'm definitely like i feel like i'm getting burned out but yeah yeah because it's just never ending and it's all the same shit yeah it's just like yeah like republicans is like well i think the blah blah and they're like well wait a minute we think the blah blah no and the amount of times that you have to like

read or write just be like uh fox is spewing falsehoods or they're smearing this nominee well and people will like comment and stuff and they'll be like of course they're like why do you even watch this stuff it's like this is why it's why are you on our facebook like this is all we do this is my job this is my job what do you think that we're gonna do otherwise like that go to somewhere else go to another website like etsy like a good website go to etsy.com slash josh caderna if you don't want to see. You said it. You said it. Of course. Yeah.

I mean, I do have some Fox News sweaters that I made. Crocheted. Yeah. Out of Asian girl's hair. But it's like, you know, if you want that, sure, I'm selling it. Yeah. So whatever. It's pretty affordable, I would say.

Feels great. Really useful. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I like that you're crocheted doilies. Oh, yeah. You saw those? Mm-hmm.

Thank you. Beautiful. Yeah. Beautiful. Really stirring., you saw those? Mm-hmm. Thank you. Beautiful. Beautiful. Really stirring. Could you tell it was Kid Rock? Yeah, I was going to say. Okay. Good.

I was worried about that. I must have been so hard to crochet his face. I can't even imagine. Yeah, because you get lost in those eyes. Right? And the slight sunburned crow's lines. Really, you can never get the suntan lotion in there. The sunblock doesn't go in the crow's feet at all.

You got to make sure you get those, kid. Yeah. Kid rock. Kid rock. He's like almost 50 now. Come on, kid. Get it together. Yeah, you kid.

You crazy kid. What does he call his child? Is it kid kid rock? This is my kid kid. Maybe. Junior kid. Kid rock junior kid rock junior kid little kid rock i don't know we'll figure it out yeah we'll fix it in post we'll take care of it um i uh yeah i'm i'm a bit hungover today. Yeah. And I apologize for that. Me too. Did two shows last night. Oh. Yeah, yeah.

Damn. Did you have the unscripted one? How did that go? It was a lot of fun. It was awesome. It has been such a rewarding experience. I just pulled out a pamphlet that I just read from. It is so great.

And I am self-realizing. I think we talked about this a little bit before. But was it funny? Yeah. We made it funny. There was some sad stuff. But we were discussing, too. Oh, should this character die?

No. Nobody should die. Let's all be alive. Like, okay. So, yeah, it's this two-act improvised play. And it took place in Alaska. But like six out of the eight of us all had these Brooklyn accents and we're on stage in this. Do you know who Kathy Carson is?

I don't think I've ever met her. Yeah, she's a Baltimore comedian. She goes down to D.C. sometimes, but her character was from Phoenix and just moved to Alaska. And so she just spoke normally she's like why does everybody in alaska talk like they're from brooklyn they're like we came here for the job opportunity like it was just like this silly thing and yeah yeah it was a lot of fun and i ended up uh uh falling in love with this girl who i thought was having my baby but it was another guy's baby so then i had to take a job on one of those like deadliest catch boats or something

like that and and then I was like I need some time to think yeah and I thought on that boat and then when I came back like it was the beginning of the the second act and it's so cool there's like music and lights there's always music in between scenes is like a transition and when I was like i don't care i love you i want to raise this baby and then like we had like this super like lovey scene and the lights go down and then creeds with arms wide open came on uh it was amazing it was like we created life with arm it was so cool that sounds really fun yeah and then i went over and did stand-up at a friend's house. He did a benefit for the Maryland Special Olympics.

Yeah, it was fun. It was weird, too, because there was a bunch of pot smoke in the room. I was like, okay, all right. It's just weird. Yeah, let's support the Special Olympics. Pass the bong. That's like with a lot of any charity event where it's like we're doing this for charity but we need to get really drunk so free booze come on guys yeah go

for it it's for charity get drunk for charity yeah so i mean smoking weed is not really that far off no no i mean i don't go to a lot of charity events you know you know what my biggest charity is josh kaderna all right that guy needs needs some help. I don't know if you've heard about this Social Security Trust Fund. It's going bankrupt. It is... Let me tell you something. I don't trust it. No. No trust. There's no trust in that trust fund.

Absolutely not. Not with these politicians. With these swindling, using government money, using Social Security to pay for their pet projects. Whoa, whoa. Hey, you pay for your own pet and your projects, especially your pet projects.

I'm not here to build your rock garden, Senator Greed. He's like, oh, damn it, I'll have to find somebody else. I'm so greedy. Who's going to do my rock garden? Yeah, it was just going between two shows. And it was just uh and so going between two shows and it was friday and i was like yo i'm gonna get drunk i get loose and i did nice i got real drunk yep so i'm crazy yeah i'm just letting you know right now i party yeah i'm letting listeners know too i'm crazy it's it's especially fun like hearing you say that in this really

pleasant room just drinking coffee very casually yeah i go hard you don't know me what is this headphones in npr voice on for the rest of it um i go a little crazy. I like to make it rain. And also. Just iriglass. I enjoy twerking and getting my eagle on. I like to make it rain. Preferably. That's my favorite form of precipitation is hundreds falling from the ceiling on a stripper's ass.

Benghazi's in the news. Oh, yeah. Benghazi. Yeah. You know. four people died Obama lied you know who else died me

I don't know because I'm so hungover because I go home I wasn't paying attention to the news oh no all our riffs are going to be so terrible terrible riffs everything just falls flat I don't know the punchline to this joke. I'll fill it in in post.

I'm a little bit hungover. Dana, I'm going to need you to take care of this interview, okay? With yourself. You got to take over. I'm hungover, too. You can't put this on me. I will put it on you. What?

Yeah. What's your excuse? What did you do last night? I went to Big Hunt. Uh-huh. And then I went to Heaven and Hell. And then I didn't go up at Heaven and Hell because I was drinking. And then Dave Grohl was at the Black Cat.

So we went over to see Dave Grohl. I would do that. I love Dave Grohl. No, it was great. I didn't end up talking to him. But he was there. He was there. I saw him.

My friend's cousins live in virginia and when um his cousins are like 12 and this was a long time ago they uh they saw dave kroll at blockbuster and then they just followed him home on their bikes oh my god not like but like as he was like on the road like of course like he drove way faster than me like. Dave, Dave Grohl. He's like, okay, you weird kids. Well, there was a big... He was just at the bar and hanging out. And then we sort of went over and were hovering. And then a lot of people came over and were hovering.

And we were sort of getting closer to just be like, hi, Dave. I don't know what I was going to say. Yeah, just a lot of side glances, just checking Daveave out yeah hey what are you doing oh cool oh um what like just oh man are you dave that's so funny i'm dana um it's so funny because i'm a completely different person it's so crazy wow it's so crazy that i know who you are and you don't know but now you do right which is great so like you know so i'm best friends right yeah no we i thought of a bunch of like terrible things to say to him but they were mostly like related to kurt cobain dying or you know who else died kurt cobain kurt

i'm gonna put that in earlier to that earlier riff oh yeah it'll all make sense now. Call back. It's like a call forward back. Yeah. Call forward. Yeah. Foreshadowing. There we go. Yes. Oh, yeah.

We're good. Okay. I'm sorry. Yeah. It was just like a lot of puns. No, no. The only one I said a lot, but that was one. And the only other one that I came up with was just asking him if he was glad that he wasn't performing at the Super Bowl.

But that's, because that's where they would be if Kurt Cobain was alive. You think so? Yeah. Nirvana would be like. Them and Bruno Mars. Right. Oh my God. And backing up Bruno Mars, it's Nirvana.

Yeah. And like their instruments wouldn't even be plugged in. Yeah. That's sad. I don't understand. Apparently, that's, like, a normal thing. Mm-hmm. But it doesn't really, I don't understand why.

Yeah. Like, there's a reason that they do that, but I don't know what it is. So, the Red Hot Chili Peppers didn't have their, they basically just played to like a tape right right and like beyonce did that for well the inauguration and i know that it makes sense but i'm also sort of like well then what's the like why and what's the point yeah um well also didn't bruno mars did they play live because didn't he like play drums and all that stuff too oh yeah i don't know i really don't understand it and i don't know how it works um i think the biggest thing is that when you're in somewhere like in a stadium or any place it's really big it's like the sound coming back at

you and you can't really hear what's going on yeah but they all have monitors there and everything so i don't i don't know it's yeah i have no idea really reaching like it's like why the fuck even do it then right that's what i'm saying also you're the red hot chili peppers you're good we everybody knows who you are right but it's just like they don't want it to sound because then it doesn't make sense that when you're watching it you're like oh this sounds like it's on the radio or something right and it's not like it sounds like a live performance which sound terrible when you record them yeah or like the beyonce thing where like she's like running a marathon and you never hear her like take a breath like all those dance moves and they're just like on it the whole

time right right like yeah pink at the grammys was like flipping like like aerobatically like in the air and stuff and like i would be i mean maybe they're like really in shape but wouldn't you just be like hey no i mean did you guys see that i literally just flipped in the air i wish that beyonce was just like panting just being like oh sink away bottle of water please excuse me just like oxygen to the stage. Because I definitely always assume that it's because she's so in shape and has been practicing. But it's impossible. No, that can't be. Right.

Yeah. And it happens all the time. They just do flips and spins and triple axles. And then they're like, and we're done. But for the Beyonce Super Bowl, I didn't know what was going on for a majority of it. Then she had holograms of herself. There were like 12 of them or something. Maybe they were clones. Maybe.

What if she was like clone technology and it's like the prestige? Yeah, could be. Do you think she's a magician? Is that what the prestige is? She has access to a magician. I'm sure. That's like the new level of rich besides a personal chef. You have a personal magician.

Just feeling kind of low. What do you got for me over there? And he comes in and he's like, oh, is this a coin behind your ear? He's just the worst magician? Yeah! Great job. Great job. Thanks. I feel so much better.

Now go back to your home. We saw how happy all those celebrities got when David Blaine was. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Went to their houses. Yeah, what did he do? I just saw headlines on BuzzFeed. He put a card. David Blaine knocks Bryan Cranston's dick in the dirt with this thing.

I wish that that was what that was. Hey! Hey, we're BuzzFeed. Ten things that'll totally knob your dick off. It'll melt your face into your dick and you'll die. Tommy Pickles Rugrats pictures.

You won't believe how old you'll feel after we show you all these pics of children's dicks. Nostalgia, you fucking idiot! Get the fuck on it. You're a fucking loser. Hey, you remember Gushers, you idiot? Yeah, I do.

Thanks, BuzzFeed. Oh my gosh, that's right. I remember them now. Those are candies. Oh, I used to eat them, and now I can buy them because I'm an adult. Oh, wow. That is a nice perk of being an adult. I eat pizza a lot. Yeah.

Yeah. Again, I feel like I've been bragging. Yeah. I do. Pizza a lot. I drank chocolate milk a bunch. You eat, drink chocolate milk? You're crazy.

First, I freeze it. Then I eat it. Fork and knife. Because I'm an adult. I'm an adult. Yeah. And I put, it's a classy way to eat your chocolate milk. Yeah.

As a kid, we would just bite right into it. You know, and you're like, no, no, no, no. You're going to light a candle. Yep. Put a napkin on your lap. Put on some Enya. Of course. Of course.

Scented candles. Drop a bath for afterwards. That would be amazing. You're just eating that in the bath. This is so relaxing. Chocolate milk soup. But it's melting because it's, you know, but then you just drink the rest of it and you just have chocolate milk. Yeah, as it melts into the tub, you're okay with it.

No big deal. Totally. Oh, I think the dog's home. Dog. She's going to go crazy when she comes in here. Okay, I'm really excited. So talking about Dave Grohl, what is the biggest celebrity you've met or, um, kind of occupied the same space and stared at?

I saw Barack Obama on the street once and we exchanged words. Really? Yeah. When he was a Senator. Oh, cool. Was he just by himself? No, he was giving an interview and he... And you just butted?

I did. You do like the black cat thing where you just get closer and closer no but like i actually did that because he wasn't he was a senator but he like we'd been reading his book in history class like he was getting to be a big deal yeah like he wasn't running yet yeah but he was like yo fuck the iraq war yeah and everyone was like totally in awe of him and so i saw him on the street and i was like holy shit it's barack obama and it was just him and two like a guy doing like video or sound and then the guy interviewing him so i just went up and like sat next to the guy doing sound i was like can i sit here and he and the guy was like okay and was probably really weirded out until he became president and then i was right so um what do you care about this

senator uh yeah he's um president yeah don't even worry about it um and then he like walked past and he's like you creepy girl. Let's have a chat. He was like, what would you think about being part of my cabinet when I'm president in the future? Since you obviously have so much faith in me. So he walked past and then we made eye contact and I said, hi, Mr. Obama, how are you? And he said, I'm good, how are you? And then he kept walking. And then I was sort of like, okay, what am I doing here?

Why am I sitting here? I thought you just had a full existential breakdown like how am i what am i doing here why am i not a very popular illinois senator yet why am i not on track to be barack what the hell where's my audio book right my top selling audio book yeah why am i not winning any grammys for my audiobook i mean that's a fair question dana yeah why aren't you winning any grammys for your audiobook well there's still time sure sure but i kind of feel like that's a little bit of a cop-out you know it is there's always more time i mean look i was nominated okay just because i lost out to tina fey yeah i i don't know who else has won grammys for audiobooks stephen colbert did him okay uh pablo naruta i just made that up i don't

know i don't know is pablo naruta still alive probably not okay it'll be a very boring audiobook just silence for two hours end of chapter, but like very conceptual. Yeah. The poetry of death. Right. Really nice. Right. This comedian, Peter Muth, he's the one that hosted the charity event last night.

Speaking of dead jokes. He was bringing up Justin Schlegel, who's headlining. And Pete does a lot of like one-liners. So he was like, hey hey guys isn't it uh it's weird that uh patrick swayze was in dirty dancing and now he's just in dirt and everybody's like oh okay but and then like it was great because it was like quiet and then when people got it there was a laugh and then like died off it's like all right and here's your headliner like okay but it was yeah and that's especially great because he was also in ghost oh that's right good point yeah where he's which is

much better but it's better that he did the dirty dancing because it's not as obvious yeah yeah he's just in dirt ah good good stuff yeah good stuff peter muth has that that christmas song that he does i don't know if you know that one that got stuck in my head like all throughout the holidays which is like i don't want to like it's like i faked my own death for christmas and i was like every time i was buying presents i was like this is and it's only like four lines and it was just on repeat yeah and you're just thinking of killing yourself as you're buying presents yeah no i was thinking of faking my own death okay yeah yeah sorry yeah i was projecting yeah that was on me yeah pete's a really good singer too which is yeah insane um uh so let's let's talk a little comedy we just mentioned the one liner um how

long you've been doing stand-up um like a year a little over a year really three months or something oh nice yeah me too i'm hovering around there yeah yeah yeah and you're doing the improv now i am doing the improv stuff yep yep uh yeah What were you doing last month? Because we were trying to put this together for a minute. I had. Well, I didn't realize that it was an afternoon thing because then I definitely could have come out probably. Yeah. But I had improv shows on Saturday with my group.

My group. Yeah. My grouper. My grouper. Mm hmm. You guys did Magruber Actually That's one of my

One of my teammates That's his favorite movie I love Magruber Yeah I've never seen it Really I haven't Most people are like

Really like in SNL Like first of all Like SNL movies Don't have a good pedigree But Magruber is seriously One of the funniest movies That's what Dan said But then

Pedro who's also in my group Saw it and was like Dan how is this Your favorite, who's also in my group, saw it and was like, Dan, how is this your favorite movie? It's amazing. Is it? Okay. Yeah, like it starts out

fucking phenomenal too. Okay. Okay, I'll watch it. You should. Okay. I implore anybody listening as well. I like to always

look at the computer. I'm like, the listeners, you're inside that box there. My dirty keyboard. Yeah, so we had shows. Okay. And was it just like just a regular just improv show?

Yeah, it was improv and sketch. So there were like four groups, and then I think it was like three improv and then one sketch every time, and they sort of varied. Every Saturday? That's pretty awesome. Yeah, it was great how are you how are you liking doing improv i love it it's so fun yeah it's great when uh sean joyce was over here and he was like improv terrifies me yeah i had it took me a long time

to warm up to it well i a lot of it like especially all the warm-up like literally the warm-up games and all that stuff oh they're it. Oh, they're awful. But it's mostly just being, like, don't be afraid to look like an idiot. Right. Right. You're doing, like, Zip Zap Zop and Bunny Bunny and all, like, whatever. Right. Bunny Bunny is great.

It's just, like, getting to that point, it's frustrating because you're, like, paying for it. And you're, like, seriously paying money to pass a snap it's like i fucking hate that game i don't think there's any value in that i hate it oh well it gets group mind going no it doesn't it doesn't with that attitude boring get a real ball or something oh are you doing like the sound ball like oh no i don't do that one but you said that like a total like improv diva like no i don't soundball all right that is well i know but i mean i've never i haven't done that in yeah yeah i've never done that yeah like it's never been presented to me as though things do right

right so i don't mean to sound no no no not a problem snobby but no it is uh that's a funny thing too it's like just uh improv where's like, do you guys do this? You're like, no, we don't do that warm-up. We do glibbly gloop or whatever. You're like, oh, it's glibbly gloop, like clappy dappy or whatever. And you're like, we don't say ba-did it. We say ba-da-da. Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. In Chicago, I know they do ba-da-da. Right. Yeah. There's definitely parts of improv that you're like, this sounds the worst to other people. But it's great

to do it. It's so fun to do it that it doesn't really matter. But it definitely is hard to talk to other people about it. We had such a funny scene about clams. It was amazing. I try to explain to my dad sometimes, he's like, how was the show? I'm like, oh, it was great.

You know? Yeah, like that same thing. Like, we were looking for clams, but somebody had oysters or something. He's like, uh-huh. And you're like, but it was funny because what he said is, never mind. Yeah. No, my dad came to one of the shows. And, like, it was one of those things where it, like, felt really good. Yeah. No, my dad came to one of the shows. And it was one of those things where it felt really good.

Yeah. And I came off just really excited. I was like, that was so funny. That was our best show. It was so great. Nice. And then, hang on. No, I know there's some like.

And I was talking to my dad after. I was like, I'm so glad you saw that one. It was so good. And then I watched. We taped it. And then I watched the video of it. And I was oh no that was all in my head and it was like i mean there were funny parts of it but there was also it's a 20 minute show or whatever 25 minutes and there's definitely just like a lot of weird yeah stuff where i thought it was really funny because we'd get big laugh

breaks right but then like most of the time in between is sort of like wait what's going what's happening yeah yeah but that's yeah it's it it's like with improv it's in the moment you're like oh that's great but if that was like a sketch that you guys wrote like this is a fucking horrible sketch like you get a lot of leeway because they're like okay they're walking that wire making it up on the spot right however if they had written the clam sketch it'd be like quit comedy you're awful but at the moment you're like oh it's a crap yeah i mean improv audiences are so great oh yeah yeah because yeah it's with stand-up they're like make me laugh yeah with like improv like you can make us laugh we're here yeah come on do it this

is great i can't believe you came up with a name for that person. That's not her name. I'm not Xavier. What are you doing? Oh, my God. You're the queen of comedy. It's amazing. Yeah.

But, yeah, I do love doing it. But, yeah, I'm glad that there's, like, more comedians doing it, like stand-up people getting into improv and stuff, which is fun. Well, because you've been doing improv for a while, right? Yeah, I've been doing it for two years, two or three years. But yeah, I know what you mean about taking the classes too, where it's like, I'm paying $150 here.

And then especially in the beginning, you get those people that are like, everybody just says I'm the funny guy in the office, so I want to be on the other side. I just feel like I need to loosen up for my career. And it's like, okay, well, can we be in different classes, Ben? Because we want different things out of this. Right, yeah, we should have, like, middle-aged professional class or whatever.

Oh, sorry. Professional podcast where the mic cuts out. But I think it's because I hit the wire earlier. Quit fucking up, Dana. Get it together. But those people in the improv class are part of... That's part of the fun in the end. You all go through that and you're all like,

oh, you remember this guy. Oh my gosh. I remember in it might have been like my first or second class there was this guy who didn't wear shoes that was like his thing and he'd be like sliding all over the place

not like Tom Cruise style like in Risky Business but just like you know naturally slipping because he's in socks oh he didn't wear his shoes but he wore socks Risky business. Yeah, risky business. But just like, you know, naturally slipping because he's in socks. Oh, he didn't wear shoes, but he wore socks. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Which was just like, what are you doing? Why? Anyway. Yeah. It's like, oh, I feel comfortable or whatever. And they were doing this scene and it was him and another girl who was like really, really funny. And she was like miming like shoveling or raking or something and uh and uh she initiates the scene by going like hey tonight we're getting out of here and then he was raking too or whatever and then he stops that's one of the funniest things too in improv when somebody

has like an object and then they're reacting like they normally would with like their hands like oh you just dropped your cup like yes that is correct yeah um he drops his rake and he goes you can't do that you're a slave it's just like oh my god and then uh the teacher was just like uh time out clem clem uh we're not slaves we're never gonna talk about slavery it's like take one of the like yeah you just know that that level of improviser is never gonna be able to like definitely handle slavery yeah it's like we're not he's like well i mean i think it's funny it's like no it's not let's just do it again and you would just yeah so you would have those bonding moments with like scenes with him we're like

running with like a parachute on or something you know you're just like all right you know like he steps out into a scene and everybody's looking around like you're gonna go you can go you can no oh all right man we had this one woman who was like i don't really know why she was doing improv this was like level three so you have to be like pretty committed yeah or maybe it was well it's like three classes in and then then she would just, like, whatever the word suggestion was, she would just go into the scene and be like, I'm blank. So it would be like, the word suggestion is neon. And you'd set it up and she'd be like, I'm neon.

And then she'd start doing this, like, weird, like, goofy shit. And it was so frustrating. It's supposed to be like, all right, grandma, let's get it together or whatever. Basically. Once she did that, I was just like, no. Stop. Which is, like, such, I don't even know. I don't know if that was the right thing to do.

But it was, like, I was so frustrated. Well, that's just the real you wanting to, like, sit, like. Yeah. Like a squirt bottle for, like, a cat. Because you need to, like sit like. Yeah. Like a squirt bottle for like a cat. Because you need to like set up like a realistic scenario. And so it was just like, stop doing that, you child. I don't remember. But yeah, it was something like that where you have to figure out why she's being like annoying.

Yeah. Just because she's just annoying. That's all. She was really nice but yeah doesn't really doesn't cut the mustard yeah i went and saw my friend's uh showcase he was taking a class and it's like how's the class going he's like oh it's good this one guy is always doing a george bush impression like that's awful so i went to their their showcase and uh there there's a game called um bus bench or park bench have you heard of that uh no it's just so it's just two people and uh what you do is one person sitting then another

person comes over and then they're on a bus bench and they have a conversation then one person has to find a reason to leave and then another person comes in and whatever oh okay so as soon as this guy sat down um guys like hey like, hey, good weather. And then he goes, yeah, I guess. And he looked at the audience and like, you're the worst. Why are you taking an improv class? Also, it's like Barack Obama had been in the office like three years. You're like, don't.

That's Munza. She's all fired up. She went to Petco. Oh, my gosh. She's got an adorable little bandana on. Yeah, she dresses herself. We let her. Oh, it's okay.

Amanda, Dana, Dana, Amanda. No, it's all right. I knew that would happen. Keeping it professional. We've maintained a pretty professional team. I think we need a little. Oh. Oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yep. Dana, do you want to rap? No? Oh, okay. I was waiting for the- Oh, okay. Okay. Dana, do you want to rap? No? Oh, okay. I was waiting for the... Oh, okay. Okay.

Well, do I want to rap? Okay. All right. Sitting here in the podcast chair. Uh-huh. Hanging out, looking at Josh's hair. Yeah. Sitting in the mic, talking about stuff.

Uh-huh. Feeling a little bit gruff. Oh, yeah. Woo! Yes! Great rap. Thankuff. Oh, yeah. Woo! Yes! Great rap. Thank you. Hey, thanks for looking at my hair.

I appreciate that. It's really greasy today, but hey, I don't care. It's cool. Yeah, it is really cool. Yeah, it looks cool. It looks like I'm a hard partying podcast guy, and I don't even give a fuck. Whatever. I'm going to make my Starbucks coffee with Dana and hang out.

Watch her update her Media Matters stuff. Yep. And fucking whatever. Who cares? This is the life. Yeah. This is the 20-something girls world. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is what we do. Yeah. I'm a girls. Yeah. Yeah. Lena Dunham. I'm just like her. You're totally just trying to find

your voice. I know and it's like just give me a chance. Maybe I want to have sex with a doctor for three days or whatever that episode. Who doesn't though? I don't know. I've yet to meet that person. Right? What a monster. They save people's lives. Yeah.

And that's the least you could do. The least you could do. Literally. What do you contribute to society if not to just pleasure doctors? That's what I'm here for. They save lives. Who's saving them? Right?

Who's saving their D's from being bored? Their dicks? I like to call them D's. Okay. Because I'm a lady. Right. I like that they can get bored. Don't let your D get bored. Don't let your D get bored, all right?

Don't let your D get bored. You've got to keep your D entertained. Especially as a doctor. You're Dr. D. You're Dr. D. Keep it entertained. You're Web M D. D.

Web M D D. Yes. Medical Dr. Dick. Yes. Exactly. So with this comedy stuff yeah what's the goal dana what do you do you know what you want to do you want to move to new york you want to go to chicago you want to go to tulsa definitely not tulsa build a rock garden i want to be

change my name become senator greed yeah i. Yeah, I would love that. It would be great to just have, like, Senator Power Hungry. Senator Big Pharma. Yeah. Just get it out there. I don't know. I mean, I want to do something with it. Senator Sex Addict.

You know, New York. Maybe LA. Who knows? I don't know how. I don't what like the process i don't know getting uh i don't know obviously i'd like to like do something in comedy whether that's like writing or performing right but i don't know how to do that that is a thing like so much of it is just like luck you know somebody's like hey do this show with me you're like okay yeah all right yeah like uh yeah i'm going up to new york to do stand-up at the end of the month my first time doing stand-up there so i'm a little nervous yeah i'm going up next week and where oh we're at uh the only place

that i have booked right now i'm doing ben kronberg show oh nice yeah i'm doing that one too oh cool on the 28th but he won't be there okay oh. Oh, right. Because he's filming a special. So, yeah. I think he's in Denver doing stuff. Yeah. Yeah. So, I'm doing that next week. Oh, awesome.

Which is exciting. Yeah. Is Nick Mullen going to be there? Yeah. I think so. Maybe. Because he's in New York. He is in New York.

Yeah. Yeah. No, that seems so terrifying. Like, like having to start over basically like like you know i don't know like i talked about this a little bit on another podcast but like you know in dc it's like you have a bunch of chances to get up and you show up the rooms like oh dana we know dana but then when you go there like you know new york or wherever it's like you're the next asshole just in the way. No, and I was Facebooking people and just trying to be like,

how do I do this? How do I comedian? I feel like a little country bumpkin just being like, where do I go? Do I get on the train thing? Where do I stop? Where is the metro? How do I? Is my bus pass work here? don't know yeah yeah i'm that way when i go to new york anyway i just follow my friends

we gotta go to the l to the r and get off at the thing yeah i try i try and pretend i know how to get from like grand central to one particular part of Brooklyn. And then that's pretty much it. That's all you need. That's all you need. And then everything else is just. As long as you look like you know what you're doing. You know, there's like a New Yorker. You're like, oh, this is my stop.

Yeah. I'm going to do things. But that's exhausting. Like, you know, I don't want to try and do that. Sometimes you just got to be confused and it's okay. Yeah. Yeah. I could do that. Maybe get mugged.

You don't want to look too confused though, right? No, I don't think so. But I've never had a bad experience with New Yorkers even. If I ever ask somebody something, they're very helpful. Oh, good. There you go. You just chat everybody up. You're like, hey, Barack Obama, how's it going?

He's like, good, you? Yeah. It's like, what's someone going to do? Be like, sorry, I can't give you go. You just chat everybody up. You're like, hey, Barack Obama, how's it going? He's like, good, you? Yeah, it's like, what's someone going to do? Be like, sorry, I can't give you advice. He'll be like, I've talked to the president. I know how he's doing. Who the fuck are you? He's like, the train conductor? I'm sorry.

Get off this train. You're being very. Fuck you. I'm calling the president. I talked to the president. I am from Washington, D.C. Capital of the country, asshole. Yeah.

Ever heard of it? Ever. Probably not. Because you're stupid. Because you're a dummy. You're a nimrod. Anyway, how do I get to the Q train? Jerk off.

Yeah, fuck. And then they're like, oh, that's not a New York thing to say. You fucking Big Apple idiot. That's a New York cut. off yeah fuck and then they're like oh that's not a new york thing to say you fucking big apple idiot that's a new york cut right there you can use that if you want yeah big adams apple more like yeah yeah gross whoo yeah um so doing is this the first time you've done stand-up in new york yeah you're nervous yeah yeah what are you gonna do if uh you don't kill what are you gonna do you're gonna break down i'm probably gonna come up with a bunch of excuses why like well the audience was weird i wasn't prepared i shouldn't

have told that joke yeah that way i ate a hot dog three days earlier that was still messing gas i should have drank i drank drank too much. Yep. I should have smoked weed. I shouldn't have smoked weed. Back problems. Back problems. I was in pain. That really trained conductor. Everything.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Well, you seem prepared. I'm trying. That's great. Well, good luck. Thank you.

I'll let you know. Break legs. Yeah. Circling back to your dad coming out to see you perform, is he supportive? Is he like, hey, go for it. Yeah, he texted me today and he was like, I'm bored. Do you have a show tonight? Oh, really?

Yeah. That's awesome. Which is the first time he's ever done anything like that. But yeah. Are you an only child? No. Oh, okay. I have a sister.

Oh, okay. And a stepbrother. Are they performers? Are they doing stuff? No. No? No. No? No. My sister is a chef-cook person.

That's what her title says on her. I don't know if I can technically call her a chef, but she's, you know, a line cook. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Been there, done that. Have you? That's cool. Yeah. That's how me and my girlfriend met.

We worked at Paper Moon together. Oh. And I was cooking up's cool. Yeah. That's how me and my girlfriend met. We worked at Paper Moon together. Oh. And I was cooking up a romance. Oh. And pancakes and stuff like that. That's adorable. I know, right? Right.

Yeah. So, yeah, that's really cool that he comes out to your shows and stuff. My dad's been to a few. It's so funny. Does he live in Baltimore? No, he lives in Maryland, like Northwest Maryland. And I did a show up there the other day. And it was like this shitty bar show.

And I'm just trying to get more hosting experience. So I was able to host. And when I showed up, there were like 30 people there, which is decent for like a bar show. But he was already there. And I was like, hey, you got to get out of here. of here this isn't gonna be good and i was just joking around and uh he he's like oh it's all right i already got my poster and there's like a poster with like my picture on it so i was like what are you like the sweetest guy alive you like it uh he's like he had like he already it's like

i took it off the door you know like he's like i'm so sneaky i know my mom had like the first like showcase thing that i did where they made a poster which was with district comedy and like the barking dog in bethesda right and it's like you know my i was like feature one of the like five feature acts or whatever so my picture is like in the corner and it's just like i had a big picture of tommy simbazo right and stopros yeah in the corner and like we had that on my fridge for like a year or something that my mom kept. Oh, that's so sweet. But it was adorable.

But also I was like, wow, you can get a better poster. She's like, no, no, no. I love Tommy Simbazo. I just love the caution tape. It just really spruces up the kitchen. I love that. The yellow really brings it out. It's very nice.

Yeah, I have the same thing with my dad, where it's just super sweet. But yeah, when I try to tell him about improv shows and stuff, he's like, yeah, okay. Yeah, I don't know if my dad was a big improv fan. I'm going to be honest. Yeah, he came to one of my improv shows. He's like, they didn't let you talk. I wanted you to talk. I'm like, well, improv, it's a give and take thing.

I'm not just going to be like, hey, everybody, it's my turn now. Time for me to start telling my jokes. It's the Kaderna show. Sit on down, oyster guy. Right. Oh, and my dad recently, while we're talking about my dad, because I brought him up. Funny you should mention my dad, because I have a good story about it. Anyway.

He's my dad. How are you? He hasn't had power for the past three days. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, which is insane. He said the inside of his house, it's 29 degrees. But he got a generator, so he's just been in his room, basically.

And, like, so he has, like, a space heater in there, and he's been all right. And then I was like, well, what are you doing? Like, you can come sleep on my couch. Like, he's like, no, I'll be okay.

All right. I'm like, all right. Well, can't force you to live comfortably, dad. I like how the roles are reversed. I'm like, young man, you get in here. You come to this house. Oh, man. Role reversal with parents is the craziest thing.

I don't like it. It's awful. Don't like it. I had to take my mom to get, like, she had eye surgery done last week and this week. Just, like, cataracts, which is just, like, LASIK surgery, basically. But I had to, like, take her and, like, bring her back. She back and like she's all like woozy from like the painkillers and stuff i was like i don't yeah yeah you don't want the person that raised you being like let's get yogurt like she it wore off pretty quickly but for a while she was just like, they put me in and I didn't know him.

I'm like, okay, well. Then we both drank juice boxes that they gave us. Oh, that's nice. It was cute. Yeah, it was good. Yeah, we don't want that person that you confide in and go to for life advice being rudderless and fucked up oh man um yeah yeah i i had the same thing i think i told you about this um i'll circle back to the power thing about my

dad but um he uh when he had to get his endoscopy he was all fucked up from that and he was like he was just like uh what did he say oh first, first of all, he's had stomach problems, so he went and got an endoscopy. And he thinks that the stomach problems stem from eating a moldy tasty cake, which is crazy. Which is also like, yeah, it's probably untrue, but also he ate a moldy tasty cake. Well, he said that it was like he just didn't look or something like that like he just went opened it and then like took a bite and then he looked down he was like oh it's yeah i don't think he ate the whole thing it was like oh fuck i think he took like a few bites and uh so he has xendoscopy and then i go back there and he's like still like kind of fucked up from whatever they

gave him like anesthesia and uh he's like oh hey hey what's going on what are you doing like kind of fucked up from whatever they gave him like anesthesia and uh he's like oh hey hey what's going on what are you doing like kind of like reaching for me i'm like all right let's let's calm down and uh the doctor comes over and he's like all right so this is what happened uh you know we biopsied this i don't think it'll be anything and he's like hey doc let me let me float this by you. I ate this moldy tasty cake about a year ago. And he's like, do you think it was that? And the doctor's like, no. He had this look like, are you fucking with me? It must be so weird to be a doctor because, like, as a non-doctor,

I am convinced that, like, all of these weird little things are doing harm to my body. Right. Which, if I was a doctor, I would know that they weren't. Right. What do you mean? Talking on a cell phone and that type of thing? Yeah. I'm trying to think.

Sleeping on your side? Yeah. Just weird where I'm like, like oh i have a headache because i oh you know like eight whatever right then yeah bad for you yeah yeah just sort of these like pseudo right diagnoses right i had high fructose corn syrup this morning that's probably right exactly you're like oh i'm dehydrated well i blame everything on dehydration which i think is actually true. Yeah.

That does. Yeah. You got to hydrate. Yeah. Especially when you're hung over after partying. I know. Or just sipping coffee. This is my second coffee of the day. Mine too.

I haven't had any water. Yeah. Mine was like, I'd rather have more energy than be hydrated and even keeled. Yeah. So it's like, whatever. Definitely. Also, I'm fucking crazy. Right. I think we established that. Absolutely. I don't give a don't give a fuck hell hey here's to the coffee huh look at us

hey hey we're throwing caution tape to the wind right now we don't even care get it out of here just go crazy i will and i do um so my dad asked about that and the doctor was like no i don't no it's not and uh then when he was done he walked away and then i'm still there with my dad asked about that And the doctor was like No, it's not Then when he was done He walked away And then I'm still there with my dad And like five minutes later He's like Did the doctor come by?

I was like Yeah He's like Really? I was like Yeah You talked to him He's like

What did I say? I was like Well, you floated your tasty cake theory vibe And he was like Did I really? He's like Yeah He's like What did he say? He's like He i really it's like yeah he's like what do you say it's like

you said you're crazy what are you talking about but it's like one of those things that you would read because did you ever read the new york times used to run this thing called like medical mysteries which is was this amazing column where they would like go through somebody's somebody would have like weird symptoms and it would take them like a year to figure it out like some doctor house shit yeah it was awesome and like like this guy i don't remember what his symptoms were but he like came back he went to bermuda on his honeymoon and came back and had like some weird symptoms and like maybe stomach i don't remember right and they like couldn't figure out what it was.

And they're like going through tests and blah, blah, blah. Yeah. And then it turns out it was because he ate like some weird barracuda meat or something. What the fuck? So it's like that type of stuff happens. Oh, okay. So can you not eat barracudas normally? I don't think so. Can you not eat barracudas normally?

I don't think so. Or it was some special, like the barracuda had disease and then he ate it and then he got it. Or he got bit by a barracuda. I don't really remember. He fought a barracuda. He ate the barracuda. After he beat it up. Yeah, he got bit by a barracuda and then he was becoming one. Very slowly, that's what happens.

And he's the fish man now yeah well good for him yeah but you know they're preventing other people from becoming fishmen yeah thank god we gotta do something about that this obamacare right doesn't cover it doesn't cover no it doesn't of course it doesn't of course it doesn't. Of course. Fucking. Obama, right? Terrible. Ugh. Yeah. Oh, so, yeah, my dad, he didn't have power. And he called me yesterday. And I was like, hello?

And he doesn't even say hello back. He just goes, you're not going to fucking believe this. I'm like, what? What's going on? He's like, well, power came back on for maybe like a minute, two minutes. I was thrilled. I went outside. I went through the garage to turn the generator off.

I turn the generator off. I go in the garage. Power, blackout again. No. I'm like, what happened? Where does he live? He lives in Tawny Town, Maryland. So it's like northwest.

Yeah. And I was like like what happened he's like well i'm in pitch black and then i hear there's trucks outside it's the um the energy company out there i figure what they're called it's like i see their truck so i go i go over and i'm like what the hell happened the guy's like he goes uh yeah one of my, he just ran over one of the poles. And he knocked down like 200 feet of power lines. That's insane. I got this black fucking cloud. That's like out of a movie.

You're like, oh, great. Now I have the power back. And then for like a minute. Immediately after. And that it's a power company person. Who just ran into it. Oh, I didn't know what that was. I thought it was just a bare tree.

I've never seen one before. I thought it was a wiry tree. And I was going to run over it. Yeah, I was like, get this out of here. This is not what trees are supposed to look like. Yeah, I don't want to set up a dangerous trend among trees. Get the fuck out of here. The vistas.

It's fucking with the vistas. The vista prints. That's terrible. I feel really bad. Not having power is the worst. It's really hard. Yeah, he's just crazy. He's like, yeah, it's 29 degrees.

I'm like, well, do you want to come over? He's like, no, I'll be all right. I just found out that my mom got frostbite as a child a bunch. What? Yeah. How? They're just like more. I don't know.

Well, she lived in Wisconsin. So that's why she's missing her toes. They had to cut them off. Yeah. I just thought she was a weird toe lady. Yeah. No. It doesn't explain why I don't have toes.

But I don't get it. I don't get it. It's genetic. Maybe. You know, is that covered on Obamacare? Yeah. Oh, good. It's great.

The one good thing. The toeless feet people. Thank goodness. Somebody's taking care of us. Well, yeah. It's that big toeless lobby. Yeah. Very powerful.

I don't know. I just think parents have better, they're better at coping with stuff. My mom's house is freezing all the time so yeah we yeah our electricity bills are pretty high yep pretty high gotta keep it hot you gotta i want to be able to walk around in my underpants yes whenever i want that's all i do yep you're lucky i'm wearing any clothes now yeah okay and really? And really, for those listeners, it's not a lot. Not a lot. Just some boxers and knee-high socks. And an American flag draped across my back.

Yep. Just because I'm a patriot. Obviously. Yeah, and there's also some stripper glitter on my face. Yeah. Little nipple tassels also. Yeah, well. Just to paint a picture for the listeners.

It gets cold in here. You know? I might put my cowboy hat on. Maybe. We'll see. I don't know see i don't know i don't know got a steady iv drip of coffee yep i don't even care it's nope this is that's the theme of today's podcast is not giving a fuck yep yep when ironically i probably care about

too much stuff isn't that ironic? And we're back. Nice break. Nice break. Feeling refreshed. What time is your train? What time is it? I think it's at four. Okay.

What time is it now? It's three now. Okay, cool. We got plenty of time. Yeah. But I think we could probably wrap this up unless there's anything you want to chat about. Anything else? Anything else? No, no, no. We're checking out some tweets. you want to chat about. Anything else? Anything else?

No, no, no. We're checking out some tweets. You want to read some of your tweets? Oh, my gosh. I was very confused because I'm on my company's Twitter. And you're like, 50 million retweets. Oh, my God. I'm doing so well today.

And then, yeah. Does that affect your day if you're like man seven retweets killing it today on like your personal oh um yeah unfortunately yeah like if i have a good tweet i'm gonna be like happy about it i invest a little too much into that, too. Yeah. I wish I could say no, but I can't. I can't. I've got to be honest. Yeah. I was feeling pretty good about my Sochi tweet.

Oh, yeah. I felt good about that. Oh, yeah. You started it. Oh, yeah. Good. I got the Dana Bell retweet, which was nice. Yes.

But then it was really cool to see people in Stockholm were favoriting it and stuff. That's awesome. Yeah. And all of their words weren't English. And I was like, look at them. Yeah. Look at them liking my stuff. Yeah.

They're like, we only sort of understand this. Yeah. Very right. Yeah. Good job, Josh. We love you. We love you. Very big in Stockholm. Good job, Josh Katerina. We love you. We love you. Very big in Stockholm.

That would be great. I would love to be famous in a weird country. Yeah. I did talk to this- Stockholm, you fucking weirdos. I talked to this girl who got on shows in Ireland and South Africa, and I think that they paid for her to go out there. Who?

So her name was. Sarah. Carrera. Liana Carrera. OK. She I just like met her randomly at one of Ramin's shows. She was featuring on. Nice.

And yeah, I want to do that. Yeah. We've had we've had a bunch of listeners in London the past couple episodes, which I don't know if it's an accident. But thank you guys. Yeah. Again, I'm if it's an accident, but thank you guys. Again, I'm looking at the computer like, hey you guys, you Londoners in there? Thank you. Have you seen her? No.

Why? Because I was just thinking how much funnier it would be if he walks around and it's like a little earbud and then this tiny little cute pocket thing that looks like a little cigarette case, kind of, like a little cigarette case kind of like a leather cigarette case but it would be much better if he had to like carry around this funky computer and like he's that asshole at starbucks who brings his whole like g4 computer right but that's that's

his girlfriend right and he has to carry around and like go to the fair on the beach with her and then he's like oh crap there's sand in it and she's like shorts out like shaking it she's dying oh fuck i dropped my girlfriend in the toilet oh god damn it crap time to get a new one yep could that work i haven't seen her but couldn't he just get like a new computer or something if he broke up with her like a new yeah yeah knew her absolutely oh okay cool well that takes away from the tension you know you just well the tension is not like are they gonna break up that's that's what it is in my head you just think it's like there's some weird like dystopian thing where it's like what if you were in a relationship with your computer and you couldn't break up with them yeah i mean your computer's gonna be there all the time right no would be awkward. I'm glad that they didn't.

Because, yeah, if you got in a fight and then she's like, I deleted all of your emails. I sent dick pics to everybody. Yeah. Congratulations. I sent passive aggressive tweets to all your followers. I subtweeted you. I retweeted the KKK a bunch of times on your account. Yep.

That would not be nice. I would not be looking forward to that but no I have that too especially working in my cubicle I hate life guess who's got some likes on his Facebook look at this guy well and it's bad too because I do social media I also get the reinforcement

from my job so if I also get the reinforcement from my job. So if I'm not doing well on my job, social media either, then I get cranky. I'm like, why aren't people sharing this? I wrote it in a way that they should share it. And then they're not doing it. And then when they do share it, I'm like, fuck yeah. I'm a fucking genius. I'm a social networking artist. There it is. I'm a fucking genius. I'm a social networking artist.

Guru. Me. That's me. Guru. Me. Guru. Go me. Go me.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. What was that? I was going to say something. I forget. Dana, take over. Oh, my God.

Come on. Host. Host. Host. Welcome to the digression sessions podcast Okay, we're an hour and ten in It's good to welcome them now Great job, you're doing great

Thanks Doing great So let's talk about what's in the news this week Uh-huh Philip Seymour Hoffman died Yeah This conversation died yeah what do you what do you think about the old the old philly hoffs oh it's very i mean i'm sad yeah it would be weird if you said something different

great the plan worked he did all my heroin he did all my heroin success oh god i was gonna say something. I totally forget. Oh, boy. Sorry. I'm getting lazy and just putting my head on it. Just rest. Park off. That's like three-fourths

of the podcast. Let's wrap it up. I think this was fun this was a good chat we covered a lot of ground talked about our dads comedy, getting crazy Obamacare

Dave Grohl you made eye contact with him? you make eye contact? no I didn't even make eye contact I talked to his friend I was like are you here with Dave Grohl and his friend was like yeah

and I was like oh sorry we're all hanging around and then he was like it's okay and then I didn't even talk to Dave Grohl so he's like I don't care weird girl you're like okay cool very cool so let's

so let's plug some stuff for you. So you're on Twitter. I'm on Twitter. As discussed. Dana C. Bell. Yes. Do you want to plug? Oh, that was my question.

Well, yeah. What's your work, Twitter? Do you want to plug that too? No. Okay. So, yeah. Do you ever get into trouble? Because I wonder about that with Elahi too.

Since you're so connected to this proper political thing. And then you're tweeting, like, hey, bitches is cunts. Oh, yeah. No, I mean, I haven't. I just put my job in my bio. But I haven't had it there for a year. But it's pretty lenient. I mean, I'm not, the only thing I would get in trouble for,

actually, I don't know what I would get in trouble for. Look at you. Look at you, like, nothing. Well, because, like, what are they going to, it's a personal Twitter. Okay, they wouldn't just be like, hey, you can't tweet that or anything. So you just don't get in trouble? I don't think so. That's awesome. I mean, I've tweeted a lot of stuff that is not, like, I can't tweet or anything. So you just don't get in trouble? I don't think so.

That's awesome. I mean, I've tweeted a lot of stuff that is not like – and everyone at work follows me on Twitter. Oh, okay. That's awesome. Yeah, they're great. Yeah, I guess it's just my job is just so kind of old-fashioned. Yeah, right. I'll be like, oh, Josh said the F word. No, they're all much better at Twitter than I am.

They're like a lot of people. They have like a lot of followers and stuff. Followers is tough. They've got a lot, like thousands of them. That's so cool. Yeah, so they're really nice about that. And then as long as I'm not tweeting stuff from our account. Oh, like jokes and stuff.

Yeah, as long as I don't like mix it up, which I have like a bunch of mechanisms that I don't do that. Yeah, you're just like, man, Fox News said this. Also, Dana Bell will be a big hunt tonight if you want to come out and see. Well, once I posted a Media Matters update on my Facebook wall, and then someone liked it, and I was like, oh, this wasn't supposed to go there. And then it's like, could have been, you know, and then I like, it would be worse if I like looked over at Media Matters and it's like,

hey, nerds, come on down to see some bitchin' improv down at the fridge. And like, all the like 65-year-old fans of us on Facebook are like, what is this? Have you been hacked? We'll be there.

Yeah, that would be cool. We'll support Media Matters and Imp that would be cool. We'll support. Media matters and improv matters, too. We love you. Did I fucking? No, it's sorry. It's this cord. We're never going to get this. No.

Well, we're wrapping it up. Yeah, this is it. This is it. So Dana C. Bell on Twitter. Right. Going to New York soon. Going to New York next week. At the, what is it the cobra club this might

come out after that okay that's fine everybody get in a time machine go to the cobra club yeah support me okay um media matters bitches is cunts and uh cunts matter for America. Cunts for cunts. That's what I'm all about. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, yeah, thank you for coming by. Thanks for having me.

And as always, everybody listening, you can go to digressionsessions.com slash calendar. And that has all our live dates, me and Mike Moran, who I'm sorry could not be here today. You didn't get the full digression sessions effect. But I didn't make you cry. You didn't get the full digression sessions effect. But I didn't make you cry. You cried a little bit, I think. Yeah, they were like silent tears. You hid it when we were talking about social security and stuff.

I saw it. I saw it. You welled up, at least. There was a mixture of nostalgia and also fear for the future. Sure, sure, sure. A lot of confusing emotions. Yeah. Tears. Definitely.

I got her. Everybody listening. Gotars. Definitely. I got her. Everybody listening. Got her. Boom. I'm a great interviewer. Yeah, so go to digressionsessions.com slash calendar.

We have a bunch of improv and stand-up dates. You can follow me on Twitter. I'm at BetterRobotJosh. The podcast is at DigSeshPod. And thank you to everybody listening. And I hope there's actually listeners in London. It just wasn't an accident.

Me too. Okay, cool. Great. Thanks, guys. No, I say thanks, guys. You don't say thanks, guys. I just said thanks, guys. No, I say it.

You don't say it. But I'm thankful, too, to all the listeners. You're stealing my thanks. They're like, oh, yeah, we love Dana. She said thanks first. How dare you? How dare you? Part of a plan to steal this podcast from you.

That would really suck if you show up to my house every week and do a podcast without me. Oh, without me. Or with. If you're nice enough to include me on my own podcast, that'd be great. Yeah, so thank you to everybody listening. Go to iTunes and write us a, if you're nice enough to include me on my own podcast, that'd be great. Yeah. So thank you to everybody listening. Go to iTunes and write us a review if you want. And we got a Facebook page.

Say hi on the Facebook page. I'll just do that. And we got a donate button. If you donate, we'll send you a sticker in a strongly worded email, which would be nice. I wouldn't mind doing that. A strongly, just how fucking dare you. Aggressively nice. Hey, thank you very that. A very nice, aggressively nice. Hey, thank you very much. Lots of exclamation points, all caps, all that stuff.

We love you. And as always, if you like somebody, tell somebody. That's our new sign-off because I accidentally said that one time. I was trying to say, if you like the podcast, tell somebody. And I was looking at the computer for our upcoming dates, and I was just like, yeah, and if you like somebody, tell somebody. And Miranda's just like, what? That's the new sign-off. It's very true. Yeah.

You know? That's the sign-off. If you like somebody, tell somebody. Yeah. I like you, Josh Kaderna. Hey, Dana Bell, I like you. There we go. See, listeners, it felt good.

This is how it works. Yeah, we did it. Yeah. Yeah. And we're done. Bye. Okay, bye. And that's it. you