The Digression Sessions - Ep. 111 - Josh & Mike Solo!

Episode Date: March 4, 2014

Follow us on Twitter: @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 @DigSeshPod And come see us do stand up and improv live! DigressionSessions.com/Calendar *** The Good Year Blimp Said Good Things About Us Too! Hola DigHeads! On this week’s episode, Mike and Josh have a good ol fashion sit down! Josh and Mike discuss Pacman related fevers, Courtney Love, Super Mario 2, ET: A Steven Spielberg Joint, farting unabashedly in the gym, Mike’s writing children’s ghost stories, the beautiful majesty that are Longaberger baskets, and discovering exposed brick and the ecstasy that comes with it! Thanks for all the support as always Dig Heads! If you feel so inclined, feel free to donate to the Dig Sesh! We have a donate button on DigressionSessions.com, and any support is much appreciated! We will send you a Digression Sessions sticker in return and the money goes towards hosting services! Also find us and say hi on our Facebook page! And come see us live! 

Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey everybody, I'm Josh Kederner. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to the Digression Sessions Podcast, a Baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young and handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers. Join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians writers musicians and anyone else we find creative and interesting

yes who's the guest this week it is the love between the two hosts. That's the guest on this week's program. Me, Josh Cotton Candy Cadernus sitting down one-on-one with my main man, my co-pilot when Jesus calls out sick, Mr. Mike Tugboat Moran, have ourselves a nice little conversation all about Ice Cube, Courtney Love, and you know, some other things that I can't remember at this point. But no, this was a super fun episode, and we just have a couple episodes to plug up front, episodes, a couple shows to plug up front, and then we'll get into this sweet audio butter that is this guest list episode. You can see Mike Moran and I today, Tuesday, March

4th, for a free show at the Wits End Saloon, which is connected to the McGuby's Joke House in Timonium, Maryland, at 8.30 p.m. We'll be doing about eight to ten minute sets with some super funny comedians. Mike Fonazzo is hosting the show. It is aptly entitled Tuesday Night Lights. So, yeah, Texas Forever State. Come see us tomorrow doing stand-up. Really funny lineup, like I said. Jason Weems is closing out the show. That is Tuesday, March 4th, 8.30 p.m. at the Wits End Saloon,

which is connected to the Magoobies Joke House in Timonium, Maryland. You can see Mike on Friday. He'll be in D.C. doing improv at the Happy Buddha at 10 o'clock on Friday, March 7th. March 8th, I'll be doing stand-up upstairs of the Auto Bar.

I believe that's a free show coming out to that. I believe that starts around 7.30 or 8, somewhere in there. And Sunday I'll that. I believe that starts around 7.30 or 8, somewhere in there. And Sunday I will be at the Iota Cafe in Virginia for the show called We Are the Nine. I believe it's in Arlington, I think. Check out digressionsessions.com slash calendar for all the additional info and to make sure I didn't mess anything up, which I may have, but you know, we like to keep you on your toes. We respect our audience. You don't want to be spoon-fed everything, do you? Do you? And on an unrelated note, let me spoon-feed you some

social media stuff. Follow us on Twitter. I am at BetterRobotJosh. You can follow Mike Moran. He's at MichaelMoran10. The podcast is at DigSeshPod. We have a donate button at DigressionSessions.com. Feel free to hit that and donate whatever you'd like. We'll send you some money. No, I'm just kidding. You send us money. We'll send

you stickers. You donate us. You donate your stickers to us and we'll send you money. Also, find us on the Facebook page. Come say hi. That's always awesome talking to the dig heads. Yeah. Thank you so much for listening. We really appreciate it. Come see us live. Got a bunch of shows coming up.

And yeah, let's get into this episode. Thanks again, guys. We love you. One cotton-picking minute. Why you cotton-picking? That's a pretty racist thing now that I think of it, isn't it? You cotton-picking? Maybe.

You cotton- slave Well I'm sure there was Other maybe like cotton pickers Were kind of considered the lowest Form of labor And reconstruction in the south You're doing the stuff the slaves used to do Which were slaves Like yeah I was a slave Until like 20 minutes ago what do you expect

I didn't get to earn my PhD while I was working for free. Excuse me, Massa? Jesus Christ. So you said. What about breakfast? I think it was me that said, at least we have that in common. Is that the next line in the song? Something close. At least we have that in common. I that the next line in the song? At least we have that in common.

I don't think that's it, Josh. I know the melody. I don't know the words. It's the one thing they could agree on. I don't know. Why are you busting my balls about fucking breakfast at Tony's? Tony is the one thing we can agree on. Yeah, 2012.

Let's get it done. Let's get it done. Is he ever elected, by the way? I think so. From the great state of georgia i have noticed a lot of times i'll find out the beginnings of these news stories and then never find out what happens well the really weird thing is the guy that started the video like got naked and danced on the highway or something not even just danced i think he was high on crystal meth and he was naked and jerking off they say oh i didn't actually think he was naked i know he had some sort of breakdown but yeah

yeah which is like uh he's like yeah we need some real change and then a week later he's just you know it's i suspect foul play it's it's which brings me to my next point what about tower seven What about Tower 7? What? Yeah. What is that? Oh, WD40. WWF. Yep, yep. The Tower 7. Yeah. That's like a group. It's just seven gigantic guys.

I don't think there's gigantic guys in the WWF. Your cynicism is always correct. I do hope future generations get the two WWFs confused, you know? I don't think they will anymore. It's WWE now. I know, but I'm saying when aliens come to Earth and start piecing together our civilization. That's where they start. Yeah.

What's going on in the squared circle? Let's figure that out first. Oh, yeah. So I was watching Behind the Music on YouTube. First of all, Courtney Love is like the most annoying, like, oldest teenage goth girl I've ever, never met on TV. Heroin addict skank. Yeah, just not even that. I mean, that's not even like the annoying part.

Courtney Love hasn't been relevant for a while You're like, what is her deal? Am I the only one that's not going to give Courtney Love a free pass? No, I just watched her behind the music And it was like watching the diary of a 16-year-old goth girl It was just her? They didn't do like Hole or anything? No, it was Courtney Love

Wow Yeah, she seems pretty insufferable. Yeah. But anyway, I was watching at least T behind the music as well. I've seen that one. I haven't seen the Courtney Love one. I've seen years ago. It's worth watching.

Did you know she was the original lead singer of Faith No More? No. And God. Really? So weird, yeah. I thought you were going to be like, did you know she killed Kurt Cobain? Did you hear about this? You guys know about this?

Did you guys hear about this? 9-11 was an inside job. It's true. It's a true story. Jay Leno's new stuff. You heard about this? You seen this? 9-11?

Yeah, so what about the iced tea behind the music? I don't know how I forgot this part, but he was saying that his book was being taught in philosophy classes across the country. And then he was like, a lot of them say I'm a whole lot like Nietzsche. He made some comparison to Nietzsche.

It was the weirdest. I can't believe I didn't catch that last time. They're really teaching iced tea in universities? I think so. I believe it was iced tea that said, I'm a nightmare walking. Psychopath talking. I forget how it goes. Cutlers.

Cutlers. Oh, no, wait. That was Play-Doh. Excuse me. Always mixing up my iced tea and Play-Dohs. Yeah, iced tea is a weird, weird guy. You know about his wife, right? Coco.

She's got that giant tuchus. Coco. Yeah, I know about her. Yeah. She's on Instagram. And I was looking at her pictures. I was looking at her pictures for the articles, by the way. And every picture is her doing squats like gotta tone

up my butt gotta do this gotta work out gotta get a six-pack and then when there are pictures of her in iced tea like in a bungalow at the beach and he just has like a beer gut on top of a beer gut and is balding i always wonder how like dudes don't get insecure about that when they're just like letting themselves go and their girls like i'll be at the gym for four hours. Well, he's like 60 years old. That's true, yeah. He is up there. He was even kind of old when he was a popular gangster rapper.

Yeah. He was in his 30s. Yeah. But not even trying to maintain any tone or anything. Well, how do you know? Maybe he's genetically predisposed to be like a big fat piece of shit. And that's like his peak physical. He looks great.

Yeah. Maybe he's like. Right, right, right. Do you know? Okay. This is not weird for me. I'm being a little hard on iced tea. Yeah.

And I have been for a long time. I know. And we're all kind of getting sick of it, honestly. Why must you bully such an old man? I'm not trying to bully the tea. I'm going to leave him alone. Mike? Yeah. Moran. Yeah. How are you, buddy? I'm pretty good. Okay. Can't complain. Feeling all right? Feeling all right. All right. We've been in the middle of a bit of a snowstorm. Yeah. As we record this. Yeah, we have. Bit of a shit storm, too. It really, I mean, it was just like one night of snow.

Then the next day, some, a little bit. Or no, yeah, I guess it was like, it was Thursday night. We did an episode with Danny Charnley and Toc Moffat. Toc Moffat. Who is supposed to be on the podcast today with Ryan Nazer, but they had to cancel. Why? Ryan said he hates you. Okay.

And he forgot that it was Valentine's Day. It was in the doghouse with his girlfriend or something. So he had to make up for it today and take her out to dinner or something. I know how those ladies can be. Ladies. Sleeping on the couch. You probably forgot to put the toilet seat down. Yep, yep, yep

She probably left the crust on his sandwich And then he laid into her a little bit And stepped on one of her Longenberger baskets What is a Longenberger? It's these weird Super expensive baskets That women go through

Menopause tend to love They're extremely expensive They're like handcrafted baskets. That's it. That's all there is. My friend's mom was really into them. They have Longenberger parties and stuff. No way.

People are so boring. We'll have a Longenberger party. I know. They're so expensive. What kind of basket do you have? That is so dumb. Let me try to find a picture. We'll put one on the website for those listening. I can't believe there was a time when I

wanted to be like other people. And now it's like, be like me, or leave me the fuck alone. I want to hear about your Longenberg basket, Normie. You're going to love this. A picture of a basket.

That's their headquarters. Oh, shut up. Shut your stupid basket-picking mouth. Their headquarters is a giant basket. Oh, man. Do you think bears attack it regularly? Just a giant bear. Like, I told you.

We should have built a regular building. Just a giant bear. Steals you We should have built a regular building Just a giant bear Steals it Picking a big basket Like rips the insides out And chucks it in like Omaha or something Just grabs 15 people and like 19 desks

Just blood everywhere If there's like a new giant ape movie anytime soon It should feature that building The Longaberger headquarters Yeah, yeah Absolutely If there's a new giant ape movie anytime soon, it should feature that building. The Longaberger Headquarters. Yeah, absolutely. I told you we should have just gone with a regular building, but no, no, no. You wanted to attract giant bears. I'll be honest.

That building is the best part of this whole awful existence. Yeah, well, it takes, you know, got to break a few eggs to make a basket. It's like that old saying. To make mediocrity. Yeah, yeah, it takes, you know, got to break a few eggs to make a basket. It's like that old saying. Mediocrity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to do something impressive to justify mundaneness. Speaking of Longaberger, I brought that up. So the other night we had, that episode might be out now, but we had Danny and Taco over for like a quick episode.

And I was supposed to do stand-up in Bel- Air that night, and it was snowing like crazy. My car is horrible in the snow. And a bunch of people canceled on the show, and I talked to Brandon, the guy hosting the show. Brandon Lascure has been on the show. I didn't realize his middle name was... You're turning into like a 90-year-old guy on CNN or something. The thing about the financial report.

They're really going to be speaking about redistricting. And moving on, however. Redistricting. Jury mandering in the snow. So Brandon Lascure, a bunch of people canceled. And he's like, hey, look, I can't do a show without comedians. And I was like, all right, I'll go. I'll go.

I've already had four people cancel. He's already had four people cancel. I'll go. Risk life and limb to get there. Sure. Get there a little late. And he reads you the riot ads. What the hell do you think you're doing coming here late?

Get out of here! Yeah, so I showed up late. They started the show. I was supposed to go first. They had Justin Hancock fill in. And when Brandon's up there, he's like, look, we're going to do the dating game next. I didn't know when you were going to get here.

I was like, look, I'd rather just do this now and then get it out of the way. He's like, all right, that's fine. So Justin's on stage, and there's these four women up front, middle-aged, menopausal kind of age, perfect Long and Burger Basket crowd. And I couldn't see anything from the back, and I could kind of hear what he was saying, but the door was closed, so I could kind of hear every other word. And when I got out there, they were just super chatty and like super rude and there was like a weird vibe in the room um apparently

justin had told them right before he got off stage he was like uh i don't know what he was doing i guess they were talking and like said something about her butt and she's like yeah he's like yeah it looks good you have a 20 year old butt and a 60 year old face and everybody's like, yeah, it looks good. You have a 20-year-old butt and a 60-year-old face. And everybody's like, ugh. Wow. So then I'm like, hey, everybody, how are we? They're like, I don't know. Wow. But no, it was still cool.

It was still a fun set to do. And I talked to him a little bit. I was like, look at you guys, a bunch of chatty Kathys. He's like, my name is Kathy. And I was like, OK, shut up. Your parents had tremendous foresight when they named you, huh? Kathy, shut the fuck up. I don't know where the term chatty Kathy comes from.

Probably that broad in Bel Air, Maryland. I doubt it. Yeah, probably her. Probably. So anyway, then we're supposed to have Liz Mealy on the show. Hilarious comic. Creator of the web series Damaged, cartoon series. And Snow prevented her from coming.

Right. Didn't get that podcast. We were supposed to play a show, the cover band show, also canceled. Yeah. Postponed. Postponed. Postponed. Same with Liz.

Same with Liz. I mean, I would have preferred pwned, but at least it got postponed. Pre-pwned. Well, I mean, pwned is fine with me. Pwnage. You familiar with the term pwned? No. Cornpwn?

No. Who's cornpwn? Cornpwn? I think that's something you just made up. No, I've heard that before. No. Who's a 90-year-old man now? No, no no no i've heard uh i've heard

people being referred to as country corn pone country corn pone yeah no you have it yeah like trashy like redneck people you have it yeah you're making it up oh yeah you're right i swear i've heard that before oh Corn Pone. Oh, fuck. What were we just talking about? Corn Pone? Oh, yeah. Corn Pone. Don't get me started. God, I forget what I was going to say. Oh, snow preventing us from doing snow.

Oh, Pone. It's a gamer term. So, like, this one guy, LegendHazit, he was in a video game tournament, and he beat this other guy to win all the Mountain Dew in the world or something, whatever the prize was. All the Mountain Dew. Just like the ancient Olympics. Rip his head off, bring Mountain Dew home to country.

And instead of saying owned, he accidentally hit the P, which is right next to the O. P-W-N-E-D. And now it's become a popular slang term, pwned. And if you're killing a bunch of people, you rack up pwnage. So there you go. There you go. Huh? Learning something over there.

Did you ever hear about the legend of the video game that made people go insane? Are you talking about Super Mario Brothers 2? Yeah. No, here's a fun fact. Super Mario 2 is actually... I did suffer from Pac-Man fever as a kid. Severely. That's actually not funny, Mike.

I had a brother die from Pac-Man fever. I fear it's the worst. It's Pac-Man fever. I fear it's the worst. It's Pac-Man fever. The ghost will eat his body soon enough. If he doesn't get those cherries. There was a... Did you know Super Mario 2 is like another video game with Super Mario imposed over it? No.

Yeah, it's like some other game from another country. Oh, wow. That's why it looks, it's like some other game from another country. Oh, wow. That's why it looks and feels nothing like the other games. Jim Meyer was telling me a story about, I think it's

the E.T. video game. I think it's the E.T. video game. How do you spell that? E. Stole it from Ampersand. Homer.

Stole it from Homer. How do you spell that? I stole it from Ampersand Homer I stole it from Homer I just spelled it The Something like I think it was It was definitely A Steven Spielberg movie I think it was E.T.

Uh huh And one of the reasons E.T. and Spielberg joint Yeah How come other directors Don't call them Joints Yeah

An Alfred Hitchcock joint That's what other directors don't call them. Joints? Yeah. An Alfred Hitchcock joint. Sidney Poitier joint. The E.T. game, apparently they had to rush it because it was right around when video games were getting big. So they're like, all right, E.T. is going to be huge. The movie came out and they're like we got to make a video game and then uh it was like the worst game ever yeah yeah and then the uh somehow in the deal like games like that were taking like years to develop or i mean as they do now but even for what they were at then took years and uh somehow it got misconstrued like in a meeting steven spielberg's like uh're like, how long do you think it'll take?

Like, three months? And then somebody said, well, you know, and he's like, okay, three months. And they're like, holy shit, three months to make this huge video game? I've never heard that aspect of it. Something happened. Oh, I don't know.

Something happened like that. And basically, from what Jim Meyer was telling me, is that the one guy that was in charge of seeing over the entire project, he was like, all right, here, I'll do this. But what you need to do, I'm going to lock myself in a room. If I knock once, that means bring me cocaine. If I knock twice, it means bring me pizza.

Why would he do that? Because he wants cocaine and pizza. Well, who doesn't? You realize you can just tell people that. He didn't want to come out of his room. He was focused on the game. Okay. All right.

I'm just telling you what I heard, buddy. Is that it? I guess. Yeah. Then the game was horrible. It bankrupted the company. I don't even think you can get a copy of it today. They just buried them all in the desert. I never have heard that there was some misunderstanding of how long it would take to make the game. Or that a man had a secret knock for pizza.

That's not a secret knock. He just knocked once. No, twice, I think. Why can't he just open the door and say, hey? Because he's focused. Pizza. He's probably staring at a computer screen that knocked on the door. I never heard all that stuff, but I have heard that.

I heard it was more a result of an oversaturation of the market where they could put out anything and it would sell. Okay, well, I heard it was a cocaine pizza infused. And so they didn't really try very hard, and they put this game out. And all of a sudden, there was a big downfall. Video gamers suddenly realized that they should be not buying every video game that came out. And they realized it was a piece of crap, and nobody could really play it. And they ended up putting a whole bunch of cartridges in the landfill. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then that year, video games lost a lot of money in general. All right. Well, I mean, your story's not as fun as cocaine and pizza right i mean i feel like if you could add a few knocks yeah something like that something like that i'm trying to look okay so like the president of the video game company was like knock once if you think we should make video games for everything whoever was in charge of that project. This is my story. Oh, sorry. What did you say? I don't know. Let's see this legacy here.

3.5 million unsold copies. Ultimately wound up in a landfill in New Mexico. Encased in concrete. Jesus. What? That's gotta be bullshit. I mean, that's what they do with, like, bombs and stuff.

Hey, this was one of the biggest bombs of all time. There's also copies of Chris Cross's follow-up album to Bomb. Nude pictures of Whoopi Goldberg. Simpsons really tried to throw that home. Urban Legend. Did you know there was a third crisscross album

where they tried to like gangster it up and they talked about like having threesomes with girls repeatedly. Crisscrossing it again? Yeah.

Is that what it was called? No, it was called Young, Rich, and Dangerous. Oh. Oh. YRD. Huh? Huh? Huh? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's like Oh. YRD. Huh? Huh?

Huh? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's like us. YRD. Young, rich, and dangerous. Huh?

Huh? Yeah. Minus just about all three. Late 20s, mild-mannered, and living okay. Didn't have the same ring to it. Hey, R.I.P. that one guy, though. He died. Yeah.

The dark one. Buddy. Dark Chris. Buddy. One word. Oh, jeez. Buddy. Buddy.

So, wait. What were you talking about? Oh, yeah. The snow. Snow. But I traveled back and forth to the show unharmed, which is great. Good for you. Yeah, I heard it was amazing.

I'm kind of sad I didn't go. The show, I mean, my 10 minutes when I was up there. Well, maybe it's already achieved legendary status. Because the next day, everybody was like, oh, so great, despite the snow. Thanks to everyone that made it out. Snow. That's the people that were in charge of the show. So they're not going to be like, oh, that sucks. So you're saying they're pepper rooting.

Mike's staring at a pepperoni pizza right now. I didn't eat today. They're propagandizing. No, no. They're playing with the books. I did not say that. Are these masturbation metaphors now? Playing with the books. Yeah, you're in there playing with the books. I did not say that. Are these masturbation metaphors now? Playing with the books.

Yeah, you're in there playing with the books. The Lord can see you playing with the books in there. Because you're looking at porn? Mike, I don't know. What am I, porn books? I remember when I was a kid, sometimes I would come across an erotic picture in one of my parents' books. Their yearbook. Who is Stacey Hammerschmidt?

That was the era of the streaking. My dad's college yearbook with the naked swimming. Remember I told you about that? No. That wasn't really in the yearbook. I just made that up. Okay. I was excited for that story.

The naked swimming. Yeah, my dad swears. They fired the coach very quickly. No, they had naked swimming in college. Oh, in college? Yeah. Like, that was a course he took. Naked swimming.

101. He also had naked sociology. No, they had swim class and they were naked. Naked lunch. But as a part of the curriculum? Yes. They had swim class and they were naked. Naked lunch. But as a part of the curriculum? Well, I don't think it was built into the curriculum. It said in there, if the student is clothed for more than three-thirds of the class. Yeah, was that a part of their syllabus?

It was just a naked class. The same way that you wear proper tie hair to a softball class. Cleats. Yeah. Chew. Right. Hat. That's it.

Yeah. For this. I'm just in my cleats. Nude from the chin on down to my cleats. Chewing a big old thing of tobacco. Spitting it. What was I going to say? Did I talk about my senior picture on this podcast?

I don't think so. I was trying to do this as a bit the other day. When I got my senior picture taken, I forget. Some of us were talking about how dumb people look when they have to take their pictures as it is. In school, you always have to do that thing where they're like, okay, stare to but towards me now bring your chin towards the big dipper you're like why do we all have to have to look uncomfortable as hell in all these pictures like and we always know what they're doing they're professional photographers but they always look stupid like everybody looks like they're like just missed something beyond the camera you know like just looking right into the barrel. And then we were talking about senior pictures.

And in our senior picture, all the guys, they wore like a fake tuxedo. Yeah, we did that. That had the Velcro in the back, you know. Mine is still in my mom's china cabinet as we speak. The picture? With like my frosted tips, yeah. Oh, you should get me a copy of that. Put it on the website.

Or the Facebook page. Say hi on our Facebook page, guys. Do that. We're not fucking with you. Fucking get on it. You think we're fucking with you? Please, get on it. If we were fucking with you,

we'd probably be some other stupid podcast. Put that coffee down. iPods are for clothes as well. We could be some other shitty podcast like what? Oh, like, you know. The Nerdist. I don't know, This American Life. Why don't we start like a beef with someone famous?

Oh, podcast beef. Yeah. Yeah. Rappers do that. Who should we go after? I've had enough of this Bea Arthur gal. She's still around Maybe the Orphan Annie radio show

Superman was pretty popular Yeah, fuck that guy So my senior picture Well, let's Who should we have a beef with? Let's decide right now Joe Rogan Okay

Alright, it's on Alright I selected the one guy The one comedian that's really, really into fighting. Is he? Yeah. He's an MMA guy. Oh, okay. I thought you meant like fighting with other comedians.

Oh, no, but I mean. He's into fighting. What's his name? George Lopez. No. Carlos Mencia, you racist. All the same old racist Mike, huh? Margaret Chow.

I don't know. Chow. I don't know. Chow. Richard Pryor. Whoever. All I know is that if he ain't white, there's something else. Richard Jewish or Richard Lewis, whatever. Jerry Seinfeld. Not a white Anglo-Christian. I don't care about it.

Oh, so I'm getting my picture done for my senior picture. And the photographer, her face is almost like right. Our faces are touching. Her face is kind of to the side of me as she's putting the Velcro dickie on me. It's called a dickie? I guess. People have been saying that. But it was just like the front of a tuxedo and the back.

It's like Velcro. Okay. So as she's Velcroing it was just like the front of a tuxedo and the back is like Velcro. So as she's Velcroing it, she just burps right in my face. She just goes, bleh. And I move my head. I was like, oh. And just kind of instinctively because she kind of burped right on my cheek slash my ear.

And she didn't even break stride with the Velcro. She just goes, that's just a little soda. Just a little soda. Just a little soda. That's like me. Well, I don't care what the source of it is, lady. Oh, good. I thought it was something unhealthy. I thought you were an alien or something.

Like I'd never heard a burp or anything. I thought it was like human flesh. Where's that gas coming? Oh, okay. For a second, I thought I was going to be eaten by you. That's just a little soda. And then I was trying to riff on it. Then she just blows it in my face.

That's just me being an asshole. That's just it coming out the other side. That's my feces on your face. Now turn to the left, but towards me. Yeah, didn't apologize. I've been farting a lot at the gym, unfortunately. It's kind of tough not to sometimes. Now, you're a fan of the elliptical.

I'm a fanatic of the elliptical. Is this when you're on the elliptical? Are you mid-stride and you're just letting them roll? They just kind of rip out. Uh-huh. You're losing control of your butthole. And when I'm listening to music, it's kind of like it doesn't matter. Well, are they audible?

Oh, yeah. They're audible.com. Are your farts audible? Speaking of. Speaking of. Our sponsor. Let's take a quick break. You know what else I smell?

A plug. Unplugged. Time to plug. Is she doing an unplugged episode where there's no plugs? No plugs. What if we do Ty Crashing Sessions unplugged? Unplugged. And all we do is skip the plugs.

Edit the plugs. Yeah. And that's it. Yeah. So I think this is a problem, Mike. You can't just be audibly farting. I don't mind some quiet ones, some one-cheek sneaks and that type of thing. I think I'm caring less and less about being accepted by anyone in the world at all.

What about... Other than when I think I can get laid. Which I don't think is ever going to to happen again so it's not okay well i just want to tell you you farting in public definitely limits the the amount of sex you're going to get well certainly not certainly not helping yeah that's true there is a chick that's attracted to that hey watch out i'll take her on you'll'll fart on her? Yeah. Okay. I mean, there's a time and a place, you know? I'm not going to do that when I'm out on an

OKCupid date. Right. But I am going to do it when I'm next to some guy on the elliptical whose balls are visibly bouncing in the mirror and I can't help stare at. I have noticed it is really hard for me to not look at other guys' penises in the gym. You're having a tough time at the gym. Yeah, it's a weird environment.

You're farting all over the place. You're looking at dudes' balls. No, I said penises. Well, I thought you said seeing their balls bounce. Oh, yeah. Well, through their shorts, yeah. Okay. But what if there's a guy next to you just ripping farts unabashedly?

I would be very offended. Yeah, you're off very offended. Yeah. You're offending everybody. Yeah. And you're okay with that. You're okay with that. See, the difference is that wouldn't be me. Okay.

So you've lost the ability. It does not bother me when I do it. It bothers me when others do it to me. So you've lost the ability to empathize. You're on your way to being a full-fledged. I'm not farting on purpose. I'm just not being very mindful about not farting. Yeah.

What's the butthole control situation otherwise? If you feel a fart coming on. I could be a little bit more vigilant about it. But, however, with the diet. You need that vigilant butthole. Please. With the diet that I've been doing. You've been eating

a lot of farts. Yeah. Uh-huh. And I've been eating a lot, a lot of vegetables. So it's like fart control is at a minimum

when you're on a diet like mine. Okay. Minimal fart control. Uh-huh. But when you need to, you can, you know. Uh-huh.

Like I haven't had like any really embarrassing like farting on first date types of things or at a funeral you know like uh-huh during oral sex have you ever done that not that i'm aware of i've definitely okay i've done this before i've definitely like been getting intimate and and the girl kind of of goes for my pants sooner than I think is going to happen. And so I just slid one out to get it out of the way, you know? But then she dives right in, and it's like, oh, wait.

I'm trying to buy time, you know? Yeah. That's just hard to get off. Right, right. That fart's still trapped in there, and then it's slowly seeping out. Yeah. Yeah. Like, ooh. Right. Yeah. No,'s still trapped in there, and then it's slowly seeping out. Yeah. Yeah. Like, ooh.

Right. Yeah. No, I don't think I have. I don't think I farted. The shower. Shower sex, like, just noise-wise. That's a problem. I don't like that.

So you fart during shower sex? I don't. That's, like, ten times worse than farting during normal sex. No, I don't fart in there. I'm talking about just, like, the noises. Like, it's like the suction noise. I'm talking about just like the noises. Like it's like the suction noise. Sure.

It's just... What is it? I'm talking about embarrassing sexual noises. Whose list is that? Sexually related noises. Me? That throws me off

when something's like... Yeah. I don't know if I've... I don't think I've had shower sex in a long time. Yeah, me either. I don't like it. I've had toilet sex recently. Oh, how's that going?. I don't like it. I've had toilet sex recently.

Oh, how's that going? Without shower sex. How's that going? That's all right. It's okay. Oh, good. Well, I mean, you've got to multitask in this day and age. Yeah.

Look, I got it. Is it rude to listen to a podcast while you're having sex? No, not this one. Okay, good. No way. You think people have done that? I mean, by the sheer uh number of downloads probably not intentionally but somebody probably well yeah i mean it's a number if you add it up there's probably

it's a fucking numbers game yeah there's literally a few yeah you know there's just not enough multiples of occurrences for it not to happen right and they didn't weren't like intentionally listening it's just they happen to be then they, some may have been. You think so? Sure. You think so? Yeah. Okay. I mean, it's hard for me to put down the old iPod sometimes.

Yeah. Especially if I get a funeral or something. Come on, guys. One second. One second. I'm listening to comedy. I was at 7-Eleven last night. And I can't do too much hating because I was listening to my iPod as well.

But the guy working the counter was listening to his iPod. And I got a soda and then I asked for some hot dogs. And he couldn't hear me. So he just charged me for the soda. Did he have both buds in? Both buds. Oh, that's too much. Double budding.

You can't double bud it. Exactly. Even I pull a bud out when I'm the customer. Yeah. That's the right thing to do. Yeah. Unibud. Yeah.

I pull them both out, I think. I sometimes do. Yeah. Depends on the world. I'll at least put it on pause. Yeah. I'll sometimes do that. Okay.

But anyway. You rip a big fart. Pull a butt out. Yeah. So he doesn't hear me. And I have to be like, no, I need two hot dogs. He's just like, what? He still doesn't even take his buds out when he can't hear me.

I love that you went hot dogs at something serious. He's like, excuse me, sir. I said two Bahama mamas. What? Bahama mama. And you got him? I'm not sure. Am I boring you, Mike? Oh, no. What's wrong with you? I'm not boring you, Mike.

Oh, no. Sorry. What's wrong with you? I've been really busy lately. What have you been up to? Let's get to the root of it. Hot dogs. I feel like it's impossible to be a stand-up comedian and eat healthy, isn't it?

Like, what do you do late at night? There's, like, nothing to do other than get fat. Eat pizza. Yeah, that type of thing. I mean, you can eat some veggies if you work out during the day, too, to balance it out. Yeah, I do that. Okay. Yeah.

You know. But it's like, after a show, there's nothing that will not make you a fat piece of shit. I mean, unless you make something at home that you already have. Maybe a sockeye salmon cooked up with some garlic and extra virgin olive oil. I don't think so. Broccoli on the side. Potato. Maybe a garbanzo bean or two. Just one or two.

Just one or two. Just cutting it with a little knife and fork. No, I often have that too. Especially with, yeah, after shows. You know, like, oh, that was fun. Let's eat. Or, oh, that sucked. Let's eat.

Right. Let's do something to continually fill this hole yeah and it's just i don't know for some reason i i like i can be healthy and like focused all and disciplined all day long but when it becomes like late at night i just don't care about anything at all like i just want to eat and watch tv and then die like that's all i want to do like i just i just don't care. It's so weird. Yeah, I've been snacking real hard at night.

And I don't know. I had to cut myself off last night. I was like, should I make mac and cheese? I should probably make mac and cheese. It's like 2 in the morning. And Amanda and I were watching House of Cards. The new season just came out. House of Cards, you familiar?

No. No? Don't know? Don't know? Don't know? Big shock there. It's actually Kevin Spacey's in it, and it's a Netflix original series. Yeah, I know that.

Okay. But for the second season, they filmed a lot of it right on the avenue, which is pretty cool, yeah. Yeah, the first episode, they're in Golden West, and then the next one, they're at David's Furniture Store, and they went to Rocket, and you're like, oh, that's fun.

I do know Kevin Spacey was at the Moon at one point. Yeah, they were in town for a while. It's like, that's not D.C., guys. You can't fool us. That's Baltimore. But what were we talking about? Oh, like taking care of yourself food-wise. I don't know.

How often are you working out? Well, almost every day. I mean, I'm doing the elliptical almost every day. And then I'll, like, do some weightlifting stuff here and there. And I do Pilates pretty regularly at home. I don't know. Yeah, I guess I feel like the exercise should balance it out, but I don't know. I mean, everybody's different to what works.

Yeah, it's weird. I think I'm doing okay, but I want to be in pretty good shape. Now that I'm old, I want to be a fairly in-shape old guy. You're not old. Yeah, but I will be very sick. You're like old. Yeah, but I will be like very sick. You're like what, like 59? Something like that. You're not even six decades in.

You're not an old man. You're not a Gary Oldman. What about some push-ups? Things like that. Yeah, I do. I do things like that. Jeez. I apologize to our listeners.

I do things like that. Jeez. I apologize to our listeners. I do things like that. But weirdly, everything I do, like push-ups and stuff, it always screws up some part of my body. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I have that too. A little bit. Yesterday, I shoveled Amanda and mine. We shoveled our cars out.

Then afterwards, it's like, oh, my shoulder blade hurts. All I do is just lift some snow. Yeah, and it's not like the good kind of sore where you're, like, building muscle. You know, I get, like, weird pains that are like, nah, that should not be. You know, that feels broken. What about stretching? Are you stretching beforehand, bro? You got to stretch.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, but maybe not as much as I should. My warm-up's just as important as the cool-down. I think so. I'm just repeating stuff. What's a cool-down? Well, you stretch afterwards, too.

Okay. Yeah, you know, you can't just go. I'm pretty good at stretching, I think. Okay. I do, like, yoga and stuff. Okay. Like, when I'm watching TV, I do a lot of stretching. Okay.

I'm going to do some stretching right now. All right, good. Wake you up. You're sleepy. Sleepy deepy. I don't know. I mean, you're a fairly in-shape dude. Working out a lot. Yeah, it's not so bad. You eat healthy. Yeah.'t know. I mean, you're a fairly in shape dude. Working out a lot.

Yeah, it's not so bad. Eat healthy. Yeah. You know, and actually the eating pizza and stuff like that is probably good for your system too to shock it and deal with stuff like that. All right, I'll tell my sister from now on. Yeah, there you go. I'm just making it up. Hey, you know, there's all those.

A tiny piece McNugget for me tonight. There's all those diets with cheat days and whatnot. I'm just shocking my system. The cheat day, the guy just fucks like his wife's sister.

It's like, it's my cheat day. Just eating a donut. He worships another god. But he's like eating a donut just like completely hedonistic behavior.

God, I love these cheat days. Give me that heroin in a donut, just completely hedonistic behavior. God, I love these cheat days. Give me that heroin in a donut. All right. Well, what else is going on with you, Mike? I've been doing a lot of solo episodes. I know. That's mostly just schedule-wise, so we're going to get back on that.

Right. And, yeah, what else is happening? I don't know. I've been writing children's ghost stories really oh yeah really yeah how many uh well i have like and to what probably five or six half done uh one completely done but it probably needs to be heavily revised that was the first one i kind of banged out just as a tester hey don't don't say you banged out children's stories Don't say you banged out children's stories. So I banged out children's stories and I banged out children's stories. Did you see the Impractical Jokers where he has to read a wedding speech?

No. No. Like one. He was at a a wedding speech. No. No. Like, one. He was at a real wedding? Yeah. Holy shit. They made him read, like, a speech that they had written. Why?

Like, as his punishment or whatever. Oh, okay. Like, it wasn't just some stranger's wedding or anything? Well, I think, like, the bride and groom knew what was going on. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. And, like, the way it was written it was written at the end of one sheet,

it was like, and I didn't mean to break the hymen. And then he switched sheets. Family tradition. Oh, my God. Yeah, impractical joke. It's just so funny. Did you ever watch the Comedy Central show, Nathan For You?

No. Oh, so good, so good. So good. The whole conceit of the show is that he graduated as a business major, and he helps struggling businesses with creative, innovative ideas, like out-of-the-box ideas to help their business. And recently he just opened a place called Dumb Starbucks. Oh, I heard something about that.

I wasn't really sure what it was. That was him. It was so funny. It's the same exact thing as everything. It just says dumb in front of it. It's like dumb macchiato, dumb coffee, dumb tea. And he gets away with it because it's under parody law. So Starbucks can't sue him.

Parody law. Yeah. Wow. I could just see that being passed. Like Weird Al comes out to show his support. Dumb Weird Al. Parody law. And it was open for like four days.

And then I think on the fourth day he came out and said that he was behind it because everybody's like, what the hell is this? Well, it was a real store. No, yeah, it was a real functioning store. They sold coffee and cakes and all the stuff that Starbucks would sell. And on the fourth day, he had a press conference in front of the dumb Starbucks. And as he was giving the press conference, the health board but the people that do the inspections, the health inspector. There it is. There it is.

I think you could have said board of health, too. Okay, okay. The board of the health inspector. I'm going to edit all that out. They showed up and shut the place down because he never got a license to serve food. Really? Yeah. What? And the punishment for that is like license to serve food or anything. Really? Yeah. What?

And the punishment for that is like up to six months in jail. Jesus Christ. But what he's saying is the reason that it's a parody law and he can get away with it is it's an art installation and them serving the coffee is part of the art. Like that's the whole. Oh, man. He's going to open one in Brooklyn. So he's going to keep doing it?

I think so, yeah. Without getting doing it? I think so, yeah. Without getting a license? I think so, yeah. He'll probably have to. Maybe. Or not even open the next one. But, yeah, they shut it down. It was open for four days.

So his point was you can pretty much rip off any business idea if it's protected under parody law. I mean, that's what it is. I could make Mountain Screw. Right. Probably. Well, that's what Jimmy Kimmel would say. He's like, what's next? Like, dumb Dunkin' Donuts?

Or you just dumb everything? Yeah, I guess you could. Yeah. Well, there is also how they make those movies that are direct-to-video ripoffs of movies in the theaters that have similar names. You mean the ones that are designed to fool old people? Yeah, like Transmorphers. What are all these boys becoming women? Where are the robots?

Transmorphers. What were some other ones? There's something that was like Exterminators, I think it was called. Exterminators Judgment Day? I'm pretty sure that's what it was. There's also a Titanic 2. I shit you not. Give me your ants, your crickets, your clothes, your little tiny motorcycle.

Your little tiny motorcycle. His ant riding motorcycle. Your cute little helmets. Your adorable little biker jackets. Give me your biker jackets with eight arms. It's so lame that he doesn't kill anybody at the beginning of Terminator 2 before John Connor tells him not to. He really fucks some people up, though. Yeah, but he doesn't kill them.

And they make it blatantly clear that he doesn't kill them. I mean, would you rather be dead or thrown on top of a grill? I'd rather be thrown on a grill. Really? Well, Mike, we got a grill here. You'd rather be killed than thrown on a grill? I wouldn't want to live with all those burns all over my body. They weren't that severe.

They were pretty bad. I think they could probably fix most of this. I just feel like, you know, at that point, why even continue to be a biker? Richard Pryor was completely lit on fire. Yeah, and how did he look so good? Lots and lots of skin grafts. Okay. Painful, horrible skin grafts.

Oh, okay. How long did that take? I think months. I think he was in the hospital for months. He probably had to go back for surgeries, too. Wow. Yeah, my dad was in a huge accident when he was younger. And his mucous membranes had to be removed, some of them.

Yeah, he had a huge scar. He had like 300 stitches or something crazy like that. But he doesn't have any scars. And he said the reason is where they did it, they did it along his eyebrows. So you couldn't see the scars. I was like, wow, that's really cool. That's smart. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I think that's why they'll often go in through the nipple for breast implants. Oh, right, right, right. What did you think I was going to say? I don't know. That's usually why they go in through my butt to fix my teeth. Got a cold, huh?

Take those trousers down, Moran. We'll get to the bottom of this. You're the doctor. God, I do remember as a child when they would put the thermometer in your butt. Get on that mic. That's what they would say. Get on that mic. Just pointing to a giant dildo-shaped thing.

They had a chair with a thermometer built in, sticking up. No! The girl one had two. Oh, my God. It had the little bunny thing that rubs the... The what, Mike? Rubs the what. Moving on.

At any rate. There are people on. At any rate. There are people that say at any rate. That's so stupid. Yeah, I don't like that. I guess that's protected by parody law for anyway. It's like a parody of anyway. At any rate. At any rate.

Well, at any rate. No, no, not any rate. All right, there's several rates that I'm not okay with. Bonnie rate. Okay. I don't agree with that. The clearing of the throat segment. Oh, yeah.

All right. God, don't do that. Sam Harris is a big offender of saliva people. Oh, yeah? F this podcast? No. No. No. Who?

What? Who? Sam Harris. Of? Famous Atheist Guy. Why did you assume he was F this podcast? Isn't there a guy named Sam on there? Yeah, but I don't know if their last name is there? Yeah, but their last name isn't Harris.

Well, this has been Josh Doesn't Know What Sam Mike's Talking About. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Sam Harris. Don't know. Don't know.

So how are you doing, Josh? I don't know who Sam Harris is. You don't have to fucking grill me on this. I'm good, man. I'm good. Feeling good. I'm off every other Friday from my job, right? Okay.

Okay. All right. Okay. This Monday coming up is President's Day. President's Day. Dana Bell episode will drop. And they give us off work so we can spend it with our families. To talk about our favorite presidents.

And so I was on a four-day weekend. Then that snowstorm hit on Thursday, got off. I'm in the middle of a five-day weekend currently. Wow. Yeah, it's nice. Valentine's Day was yesterday, which is great because Amanda and I didn't get each other anything. Really? Yeah.

It was fantastic. It's always nice. Yeah. I'm so glad Amanda's not into like jewelry and shit like that. Yeah. Whew. It's good. Good.

I was in a relationship like that once where that type of stuff was expected. It was a nightmare. Yeah. Fucking nightmare. You love me, huh? Well, go spend a bunch of your money and prove it. I would just dread whatever holiday or event was coming up. Yeah. Fucking nightmare. You love me, huh? Well, go spend a bunch of your money and prove it. I would just dread whatever holiday or event was coming up.

It's like, well, there goes every last dollar I've ever saved up. That was like a huge chunk of my monthly budget, you know? I'm picturing your portfolio like that little pie chart of what you spend on. The huge chart is like bullshit that she wants. Yeah, yeah. It's like 65%. Oh, Mike, look at this brooch. I would love that for flag day. I walked away with that relationship with nothing at all to show for myself.

Nothing at all. Nothing at all. Nothing at all. Yeah, why do we have to buy shit like that? It's stupid, man. I've decided I will not pay for people's companionship. I like buying stuff for my friends. I like buying stuff for girls that I hang out with.

But it shouldn't be, you know, I have to pay you for my... It just becomes prostitution at that point. Exactly. Basically. I could be arrested for being a pimp. Wait, that doesn't make any... No, a John. P. Basically. I could be arrested for being a pimp. Wait, that doesn't make any sense. No, a John. Pimp John.

And a red ice cubes of John. What? Like, the lights of the good year blimp said ice cubes of pimp somehow. And you're just desperate for rhymes. And it was a good day song? Yeah. The lights of the good year blimp.

Ice cubes of pimp. Why would it say that? I saw a t-shirt recently that had the Goodyear blimp and it said ice cubes of pimp on it. Oh my God. Yeah. Oh, what a great thing to see. If you were just having a really good day, like, oh, look at that. I know, that could have been the entire...

If something like that happened to me That would be the entire song It was a good year for me I don't need to go play dominoes I don't need to get paged by Brenda I don't need for none of my friends to get killed I don't need a breakfast with no hog From my mom If a good year blimp

Josh could turn as a blimp I'm good I'm good. I'm good for like a week. How much would it cost for me to? That's our song. We just keep repeating. He's going through his whole day. I'm just like, I saw on the blimp that I was a pimp.

Once I saw a blimp. Good for him rhyming blimp and pimp. Good for him. Yeah. Good for him. I want to follow that myself. But hey, he had a good day. He got to dig out Brenda, which he's been trying to do since the 12th grade.

No, he dug out, her name wasn't Brenda. Uh-huh. That was the same Brenda that had a baby in Tupac. No, no. It was the same Brenda. I got a call from, what was her name? I can't remember. What else was in Brenda?

This has been the Mike Can't Remember segment. I keep thinking that's the intro to Faith No More's We Care A Lot. What time do you play that? It might be. No. The first few beats sound like it. You don't know. You don't know.

What were you talking about? Yeah. I wanted to say like at the Goodyear office, like the marketing office. It's come to our attention, ladies and gentlemen, Ice Cube's quite the pimp. I know we were going to circle the Super Bowl today or some college game, but let's get Ice Cube's

a pimp on there. Fly it around the city. Yeah, that is a weird, random thing to throw in that song. Did somebody pay for that? I want to hear more about how this happened. He just tosses it off. It's like a two-line throwaway thing. I'm looking for the lyrics of Today Was a Good Day.

I call this bit, by the way. No. Oh, okay. That's fine. That's fine. Mike. Yeah. Vamp while I get to look.

Do we still have Professor Griff's phone number? I think you do. Nah, that's my old phone. I kind of want to tell him that he's been written about in Skeptic Magazine this month. You talked about him? Yeah. And I want him to accuse me of being in the Illuminati or something like that. You know what I mean?

How honorable would that be if Professor Griff came out against Mike Moran? Yeah, speaking of rivalries or somebody to pick a fight with, you should do that. Seems like a nice guy, though. I mean, I don't want to hurt anybody. I mean, for a guy that says he hates the Jews or something. Well, Hitler said the same thing. Oh, yeah. That nice young Adolf boy.

Oh, right. Some comedian recently was like, well, Hitler was a terrible man, but at least he killed Hitler. I know. I brought that up. man, but at least he killed Hitler. I know. I brought that up. Oh, did you? Yeah. Okay. The last episode with Danny Charnley and Tuck Moffat.

Yeah, where he said, hey, say what you will about Hitler, but the guy did kill Hitler. Yeah. I've heard, though, that he actually didn't put the bullet in his head. It was an officer. He had really bad Parkinson's. Yeah. Really? Yep. Okay. really bad Parkinson's. Yeah. Really? Yep. Okay, so let's see. Two in the

morning, got that fat burger, even saw the lights of the Goodyear blimp and it read, ice cubes of pimp. Yeah. Drunk as hell, but not throwing up. Halfway home. So he sandwiches that little factoid with going to Good Burger and not

puking. Yep. Yep. Like, he just bookends. Yeah. That should be the greatest moment of your existence. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Let's see.

Picked up a girl I've been trying to fuck since the 12th grade. Right. It's ironic. Dig in the MTV version. It's ironic. I had the brew. She had the chronic. The Lakers beat the Supersonics.

How is that ironic? I felt on the big fat fanny, pulled out the jammy, and killed the punani. Jason Weems was riffing the other day about who calls their penis their jammy. I always thought he was saying pulled off the jammies, like he pulled her pajamas off. Pulled out the jammy. I thought he was talking about a condom here. That was my first guess. Oh.

Who calls a condom a jammy? Hey, get some jammies. Not without a jammy. No jammy, no fanny. That's what they say. No poo nanny. And my dick runs deep. So deep.

So deep. I put her ass to sleep. Like, he hit a button. I know. i remember wondering about that too like girls just fall asleep like hit her brain like i don't think you're doing that well if that's what happens like i'm pretty sure you killed that would be like the worst insult ever if you're like banging a girl and she starts snoring like there's nothing to be writing a rap song about. Right, and he's so drunk at this point, too. He just raped a girl.

Yeah, good point. He's like, well, I'm having a good day. He's like, no, no, it's just that it was so good she fell asleep. Ice Cube, you had sex with an unconscious woman. I don't think so. I pulled out the jammy. I got up in that family. I can't find so. I pulled out the jammy. I caught up in that family. I can't find the part about the page, though.

Kim. Her name was Kim. Yeah, okay, you're right. I got a beep from Kim, and she can fuck all night. Called up the homies, and I'm asking. Probably not if you're hitting Good Burger at 2 in the morning. She fell asleep already. I can fuck all night after I go to Fat Burger.

No, you went to Fat Burger after. Well, I think... We should make a timeline of events for this song. Yeah. Did you see that a

while ago? Somebody figured out like what exact day he was talking about. It was like April 1992 or something. Really? Because of like the

dates? Like Lakers and the Supersonics and all that stuff. Wouldn't that be the only historical marker in that song? Well, they found Kim's diary.

They also found the basketball court where they were playing. Let's see. Wait, wait, wait. Are you telling me that he claims this actually happened? No, no, no, no. Well, I mean, some of it probably did. Are you questioning that the Goodyear blimp said Ice Cube's a pimp? Well, I'm not questioning that.

It's a semi-autobiographical song, but is he saying that it's based on historical events? There's a big difference between those two. I'm going to say yeah. And what you're saying is tantamount to libel? And Ice Cube is litigious? Tantamount. Stop using words I'm not very familiar with. I only know it because people say tantamount to trebel. And Ice Cube is litigious? Tantamount. Stop using words I'm not very familiar with.

I only know it because people say tantamount to treason. Tis the season for treason. What? So be careful. What? What? Do they ever say that around the government buildings? Tis the season for treason.

Keep your eyes watching. Yeah, as we're just getting rid of people's personal identifiable information and things. My friend that works for the nuclear program. Nuclear. Thank you. As somebody that busts my balls about all the stuff that I say. What? You say nuclear.

Yeah, you're right. Nuclear. Nuclear. It's actually a challenge for me to say it the correct way. That's your new nickname. But she says that they're all about watching out for treason. What is her job? I don't know.

Something with nuclear bombs. With what bombs? Like controlling the nuclear bombs. Oh, okay. Nuclear bombs. It's like new metal. Speaking of, yeah, if our episodes are played in a courtroom

for whatever reason, you repeating nuclear bombs nine times. You know what the worst is? My kind of go-to stand-up video, the Michael Ian Black one, I say internally grateful in the beginning instead of eternally. My small intestines, my large intestines.

Other than that, it's like my best performance ever. Yeah. But every time I listen to it, I have to hear myself say that right at the beginning. People know what you mean. I don't care. They also think I'm stupid, I'm sure. No, no.

They're not the Mike Morans of the world. They'll cut you some slack. You're saying people are kinder than me, so I shouldn't have to worry. Yeah, I think so. Cheer up, Mike. I think so. Not everyone's a piece of shit like you.

Not a piece of shit. It's the stuff that, like, if you saw another comedian's video and they said that, you wouldn't think twice about it, probably. Probably not. No. See, so they're not worried. They're not worried about you. Let's see. I'm trying to think of yeah, so these

past couple days, it was great. Amanda was off too so we just kind of hung out and ate some food, cleaned up the house. It was just such like a yuppie week for me. I went I did a side walk. Did you discover some exposed brick in your

house? You tore your wall down. Oh my gosh. I love exposed brick in here? Oh my gosh. I love exposed brick. I love exposed brick more than exposed boobs. People that are really into exposed brick

and going to places to eat. People that are really into eating out annoy me, I'm sorry to say. I love it. I just love food. That's my point exactly. You love going out.

Yeah, I guess so. I do, but it's, I don't know, it's just like, people that are like really, really into it. Yeah, with our conversation. Where did you go?

Have you had the encrusted salmon? Do they have a house chardonnay? Gosh, they have this kind of key wob butternut squash. You know, Roger had it the other day. Is that farm raised? It wasn't as good Do they have a house chardonnay? Oh, my gosh. They have this kind of keywob. You have got to try the Thai butternut squash. Oh, my.

You know, Roger had it the other day. Is that farm-raised? Is that locally farm-raised? It wasn't as good the other day, but he brought it home, and we heated it up, and it was great. Do they do wine pairings? What is the fish of the day? What was I going to say? No, ours is a—

Stop. Stop. No, we just eat pizzas and watch TV in bed. Right. It's great. That's not really yuppie behavior. Oh, okay. Well, beyond yuppie behavior.

That's like poor white trash. No, I'm sorry. Circling back to the yuppie thing. Took the dog to doggy daycare, you know, because it's good to socialize, right? Met with my landlord about maybe renting to own, you know, because that's more fiscally responsible. And I think that's about it. But, yeah, when I just did, I did a set at Sidebar, and I didn't have any clothes to change into, so I was still in my work clothes. I thought you were going to say I didn't have any clothes on.

I was just naked the whole time. But no, I just talked about the yuppie that I'm becoming. I had band practice for the cover band show. And I just said that I went to the gym. I was like, went to the gym, but I couldn't change any clothes because I had to go talk to the landlord about renting them. You should have said you were playing squash. I was playing squash with Karen, and she is quite the formidable foe. I walked into the gym the other day And I I got farted immediately

Like the king is back Hold on let me let the dog out The boys are back in town I walked in and I Yep Those brave boys We've lost so many of them. But I got to see somebody freak out like right as I walked in, you know, which is like my favorite thing in life is when somebody freaks out in public.

What kind of freak out like that matter? Yeah. Well, you know how like the squash courts, like all the sounds are like amplified by 40. Yeah. We should record an album one of those now i think about it but uh yeah as soon as there's like all these people watching the games and some kids just like i'm a ball or something just like freaking out about something like the whole like you know jim just like stops anyway was he freaking out about the game? Yeah, I assume Oh my god I heard the word fucking and ball So I doubt he was talking about, you know, his testicles

Look at my fucking ball Yeah, maybe he got hit in the balls Yeah No, but I think he was just like That's brutal, you get hit with a squash Ball in the ball Ball in the ball. Ooh. Ball in the ball.

The bang, the bang, diggy, diggy. The doctor's a big fan of Kid Rock. He's like, so what happened was you went, the ball, diggy, bang, bang. Blew up your testicle. My name is Dr. Schwartz. All right. I think we should bring this thing into the station.

Sure. Let's wrap this thing up. So you're doing all right except for farting in public. Farting in public. And maybe too much food at night. I don't know what to do about health care, but we can talk about that another time. Go to the Obama loves poor people.gov. I'm trying. Okay. But it's still like four

million you still have to be like a billionaire to get health insurance really yeah i haven't looked at the website do we all have to register for that no not if you have it oh okay you get a fine if you don't if if you don't have insurance yeah like next tax season oh that's another thing i gotta do i i have this, yeah, like for the past two days, I've just laid in bed, watched TV.

I did some stuff, edited the podcast and did some stuff like that, but like, oh fuck, I gotta do my taxes. Yeah.

Just use TurboTax. Takes like 20 minutes. Well, yeah, my uncle does it for me, which is even worse because I just... Uncle TurboTax? I take it to my uncle.

I'll just picture that TurboTax box at the Thanksgiving table. I'm like, all right, Uncle TurboTax? I take it to my uncle. I'll just picture that TurboTax box at the Thanksgiving table. Like, all right, Uncle Turbo. All right. What? TurboTax? Like, that's my actual uncle. We're over there for Thanksgiving.

And that little box that the TurboTax comes in. Can you picture that? TurboTax as my uncle. Okay, sure. Jeez, buddy. Come on. Your uncle. And then he starts bringing up really bad memories. Okay, sure. Jeez, buddy. Come on. Your uncle. And then he starts bringing up really bad memories.

Yeah, exactly. Uncle TurboTax. He's not saying anything. It's just an inanimate box. I don't want to talk about that. Uncle TurboTax. It's a dark time in my life. I don't want to remember it.

Uncle TurboTax, have you been drinking? Exactly. So you get it. You get it. Other than that, just doing a bunch of shows. The last night of Unscripted is tonight. I heard that's been going well. Yeah, it was a lot of fun.

Yeah, tonight we have to break everything down after the show, which is going to be a pain in the ass. Like all the stuff we built for the stage and all that. Aren't we bigger stars than that by now? I know. Shouldn't we pay losers to do those things? Yeah. Put out a Craigslist for winners seeking losers.

All right? That's what we do. Masters seeking slaves. Metaphorically. M4S. Yeah, so doing that and then just doing a bunch of shows and stuff. Going to New York at the end of the month. Oh, yeah?

For what? Going to do stand-up up there. Oh, yeah? For what? Some show. Oh, yeah? For what? Because I'm a broken, empty person and I need to get validated by strangers.

That's cool. How did you get into it? Doing those shows with Ben Kronberg. He does a show every Friday in Brooklyn. Oh, cool. And I was going to go and see my other buddy Mike. One of the many Mikes that I'm attracted to. Many Mikes.

All I need is one Mike. Many Mikes come and go. Think of all the Mikes that have come and gone in your lifetime. There's a lot of Mikes. Pretty popular name. Pretty popular name. But not unlike you, Mikey. What if I just called you Mikey?

Some people do. Who calls you Mikey? Usually my sisters. Oh, yeah. Older. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want a younger guy being like, hey, Mikey. Some people that I've worked with have, like, sometimes at my jobs, Mikey becomes my name.

Not before they were sleeping with the fishes, right? Not after that. Yeah. You murdered them. What? Anyway. Yeah. So just got all that stuff going on.

And yeah, that's about it. All right. I'm feeling pretty good. Yeah. A little nervous. A little nervous about New York and just shows in general. I always get nervous with shows. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So do I, but I think I'm to the point where I mostly don't care. I mean, I care,

but I don't, like, have this huge dread of, like, what if I bomb? Right, right, right, right. Which maybe I should. No, I think it's that just fight or flight thing

where you get nervous before. Well, I think it's, we also just have to accept that we're in the beginning stages. Yeah. It's going to be a long time before we're really masters of the craft. So it's not that just doing it is important. Yeah, and just have to accept that everybody bombs. Like everybody poops. That's the next children book, you should write.

Everybody bombs. Get prepared for failure. I'm excited to hear about these ghost stories for chits. I want to say kids and children. Chits. What are they about? Various things. I want them to be very simple, like Twilight Zone set up, you know, like creepy premise mystery type of thing.

And then a terrifying twist and then bang. How young are we talking? I don't know. Like I'm thinking like middle school because I think they're a little too violent for. And they're a little more intricately. You know, they're not like super simple like three paragraph type of scary stories. They're a little bit longer. But they're pretty simple.

So kind of like Goosebumps level scary level scary yeah but i want to go like i feel like when i was in middle school like you know i'd read stephen king and stuff and i feel like a lot of people did you're ahead of the curve i don't know i think a lot of people were reading that stuff at that age and it's like you wouldn't really tune in for like a lot of it you know like during the boring character development bullshit and stuff and weird sexual innuendo. But then, like, something spooky would happen. So, like, I kind of distilled it down to those parts. Right.

Because I think, like, most kids can read, like, understand, you know, like adult books by their age. I keep it all killer, no filler. And I think that's better for kids' books, too, is you don't want a lot of, like, all the back story and stuff. Kind of like Twilight Zone-y type of stuff. I like that. That's awesome for kids' books, too, is you don't want a lot of, like, all the backstory and stuff. Kind of like Twilight Zone-y type of stuff. I like that.

That's awesome, man. Well, yeah, you should let me read some. I will. All right. All right. Okay. What are some of the titles? What are some of the titles? Yeah, weirdly, I'm finding the titles to be, like, the most important part of, like, very simplistic type things.

Are they, like, grown-up stuff? Like, Johnny deals with his existential crisis. Some of them I've – well, some of them do border on things like that. One I came up with today at the gym was this kid has to meditate on top of this water tower in order to escape this ancient god that's creeping into his psyche and making him miserable. Okay. All right. I like that.

It's kind of like a metaphor for teenage depression. Oh, letting stuff creep in and being like your mind's your own worst enemy. Yeah, like when your mind kind of turns against you. Right, right, right. Oh, I like that. But yeah, the titles. All right. So here's a few titles that I've come up with and then written from the title.

I'm just picturing you on the elliptical just like farting. Yeah, that's me. And then like, I got it. Yeah, that's totally me. You're sweating. Yeah, and then I'm like inuring you on the elliptical, just like farting. Yeah, that's me. And then like, I got it. Yeah, that's totally me. And you're sweating. Yeah, and then I'm like in the shower afterward. Balls akimbo. Akimbo.

Okay, here's the title. Yeah. Beware. He's watching. Okay. Is that about God? You know, I was thinking about maybe that could be the twist at the end. Because I just started writing it like, you know it from nothing and just figuring out what happens.

Right, right, right. I was thinking maybe it could be like someone is obsessed with the Lord and that's who's watching. Okay, okay. A Cry From Below. That's about a kid dealing with genital herpes. That's about a voice screaming from underground. Okay, kind of telltale heartish yeah kind of okay um uh what's another one the uh fuck oh the miserable the sick and miserable thing in the attic it's about the kid's grandma uh not far off there was a really scary stephen king story about

like a grandmother just like a dying old demented grandmother yeah and a little boy home alone with her yeah old people can get creepy real quick real quick laughing max okay okay what's that about that is about a boy who is tormented by a something. A knight. A something, something, something. Yeah. That something.

Okay. All right. I'm excited for this new avenue you're pursuing here. Children's books. Oh, and I'm going to try to write something about the Pied Piper of Hamelin. I've been talking to the guy who does Junior Skeptic. And we might get a little collabo going. Little non-believers? Yeah. Oh, I like

that. I like that. Okay. And gonna have some improv and stand-up coming up, right? Right, right? Yeah, probably. Yeah, with the Baltimore Improv Group, Unscripted kind of takes over for a little bit. Oh, did you have a show last night?

I did Tech last night, but I did join in the jam at the end. Oh, nice. How was it? It was good. It was really good. I was kind of surprised that many people came out on a frozen Valentine's show at 10 p.m. At 10 p.m., yeah. Oh, and we have the stand-up show coming up this Friday, the Improv Mashup Show.

I don't know if this will be out by then. Maybe it will. Maybe we'll release this as a special bonus episode. Special bonus. Maybe. Or maybe the Talkin' Danny one will be. I don't know. I don't know.

We'll figure it out. Who knows? But, yeah, I think this was fun. I had a good time. Yeah, yeah. I was doing these solo ones. I always loved the catch-up. I like those ones where we have guests.

I'm bored out of my mind. It's like, can't we listen to me already? What about me? Huh? Anyway, let's, yeah. I talked about bringing this thing into the station. Now let's bring it in, huh? Sure.

Let's bring it into the station. We care a lot. You just do that over any beat? Let's see. The first two beats sound... Not that one, no. We care a lot. We care a lot.

Plugs. A lot of people got them. But how many people use them? And so do we. That just ends right in the middle. So to all those listening, we really do appreciate it. I think we should say that. We should. And we'd really appreciate

if you fucking assholes would donate. All right? We're getting a lot of good donations coming in. Because how much, I can't remember, how much has this costed for the last several years for people to listen to? This costed, which I don't think is a word. Yes, it is.

How much has this costed for people no it's just cost how much has this cost for people okay yeah you're right oh man what's what's the what's the price to download an episode again ah you know let me crunch the numbers here. Okay, let's put on that. Don't forget to carry the... Oh, yeah? A little crunching music, Paul. Fucking zero. Zero. It's free. Zero. It's free, people.

Yeah. So, listen. Listen. You want to barter, we can barter. Yeah. But it'd probably be easier to just go through PayPal. I mean, we can talk dowries, but PayPal would be okay, too. Yeah.

PayPal would be great. So, we've been getting a lot of donations coming in and I always forget to print out the list of names of people that are donating, but let's just say Ron Garble is nice and he donated a lot. No, most of the donations

that come in are like a dollar or two bucks, five bucks, here and there. Anything really helps. It goes towards hosting fees, and we'd like to put it towards getting maybe better microphones, revamping our website, all kinds of stuff. And if you donate, whatever amount you donate, we'll send you out some stickers.

We're going to get new T-shirts soon. So everybody that's listening, from the bottom of our dark, dark, tiny hearts, we want to say thank you. Cholesterol-filled hatred. Beating with hatred. I always look at the computer when I'm talking to people listening. They're inside like, you guys.

That's where they live. That is weird how when there's nothing to look at, like when people stare at the radio. I remember in class when we listened to a tape or something. Everybody would stare at the boom box or whatever. Right, right, right. Or there's announcements before they had video announcements. Like the intercom.

Just stare at that. Just killing momentum over here. That's all I'm about. So let's see. Also, you know, what was I going to say? Oh, follow us on Twitter. I'm at BetterRobotJosh. I am at MichaelMoran10.

There it is. And he's 10 on Twitter, but number one in our hearts. Right. Right. And the podcast is at DigSeshPod. DigressionSessions.com slash calendar for all of our upcoming shows. Got some coming up in early March. We got some stuff in February.

Yeah, we got some improv shows, stand-up, all that stuff. And I don't know when this is coming out, but I'll plug the shows in the beginning of this show. Awesome. And so you will have already heard them. And, yeah, I keep rambling on all these intros. Intros and outros. Mike, what do you have to add? Anything?

No. All right. That's it. If you like somebody, fucking tell somebody. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you.