The Digression Sessions - Ep. 112 - Jamel Johnson!

Episode Date: March 17, 2014

Follow us on Twitter! @BetterRobotJosh - Josh @MichaelMoran10 - Mike @DigSeshPod - Podcast @NonProfitComic - Jamel --- Hola DigHeads! On this week’s episode, Mike has to work and Josh sits down with the hilarious DC based comedian, Jamel Johnson! Jamel is one of the funniest people around and Josh bought him a sandwich so he would be on the podcast and the results were fantastic!  Josh and Jamel discuss mankinis, “ice grilling your tits,” Jamel’s hate of animals, hockey jersey’s, Living SIingle, Jamel’s dislike of white people enjoying themselves, writing “80085” on calculators, Josh’s trigonometry teacher the great Mr. Ickes, Jamel’s breaking an arm by running backwards, Josh smashing his front teeth on the monkey bars, Spanish Dracula impressions, Cricket commercials, throwing shotput, and some pretty good god damn ideas for True Detective season 2. Thanks for all the support as always Dig Heads! If you feel so inclined, feel free to donate to the Dig Sesh! We have a donate button on DigressionSessions.com, and any support is much appreciated! We will send you a Digression Sessions sticker in return and the money goes towards hosting services! Also find us and say hi on our Facebook page! And come see us live! 

Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey everybody, I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to the Digression Sessions Podcast, a Baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians writers musicians and anyone else we find creative and interesting yes

who's the guest this week jamel johnson is the guest on this week's program. The very funny Jamel Johnson, DC-based comedian and all-around good guy, Jamel Johnson. You can follow him on Twitter. He is at Nonprofit Comic. Follow him for funny tweets as well as when he's performing

live. Jamel's one of the funniest dudes around. Love this fella to death. And there was a delay in posting this episode he talks about some shows at the end of the show but he has some some other stuff coming up that he would like to plug you can see him doing a show called welcome to shalom city part one at the wonderland ballroom on march 21st in D.C. Part 2 will be at the Brixton March 25th in D.C. So go check him out. Like I said, follow him on Twitter.

He'll give you all the details. Jamel's one of the funniest dudes around, and I was happy to sit down with him and have a conversation. He took the Mark train up from D.C. I bought him a BLT. Bing, bang, boom, we got a podcast on our hands. Folks, we talk about his ice-grilling ladies' tits. Talk about that. Talk about hockey jerseys.

Talk about living single, which is always a good time. And we got some good True Detective theories as well as Matthew McConaughey's spinoffs that we talk about. So, yeah, even though we all know what happened in True Detective, this is like a time capsule, you know, where we were all wondering, where all of America was like, ooh, what's happening? Is Marty made of twigs? You know, remember when we were all thinking that? Yeah, it was good times.

And I would like to apologize, me, Josh Cotton Candy Coderna, for the delay in posting episodes. I was super busy and I was kind of sick and I was like I don't feel like posting. I don't feel like editing. But we are back and this is a really fun episode. The wonderful Mike Moran,

my co-pilot when Jesus calls out sick, could not be here for this episode. We just had, Jamel and I just had ourselves a nice little chat and we're going to get into that just a couple more plugs as always follow me on twitter i'm at better robot josh you can follow mike he is at michael moran 10 the podcast is at dig sesh pod you can go to digression sessions.com slash calendar for all of our upcoming dates. Wednesday, 19th, I'll be at McGitty's Pub in Baltimore. Friday, I'll be in Leesburg doing stand-up there. I forget the name of the venue,

but go to digressionsessions.com. And on Saturday, the 22nd, I will be in New York doing improv at 3.30 with my troupe, The Bully Union. We'll be at the 22nd, I will be in New York doing improv at 3.30. With my troupe, The Bully Union, we'll be at the Pit Theater, a part of the New York City Improv Festival. So if we got any digheads up there, come on out. It'll be an awesome, awesome time. And, yeah, my rambling's done.

Like I said, sorry for the delay in episodes, but we are back, baby. We got some good episodes lined up, and I'm excited for this one. So thank you all for listening. I seriously appreciate it. And if you want to follow me on Twitter, I fucking dare you. I fucking, you've got the stones. You think you've got the stones to hit the follow button when you come across my profile, my Twitter profile? Hey, well, do it.

Do it. Hey, do it. If you're feeling adventurous, find me on Instagram. Same name, at Better Robot Josh. You want to see my pictures? You want to see my contrasted lo-fi pictures, F.A.? Do ya? All right, and with that, that's the end of the rambling.

Let's get into this fantastic episode with the wonderful Jamel Johnson. We love y'all. Let's get this thing started. I like animals. I like them just fine. I just don't. I just. They're animals.

So it's like it's a different thing. Like, OK. Uh huh. The animal doesn't even like me. You know, it's like it's a different thing. Like, okay, the animal doesn't even like me. You know what I'm saying? It's like it's a fucking animal. Hey, Munza likes you? She kissed your ear a lot?

I guess that's liking. That's a sign of affection. Is it? How many people do you hate who have you licked their ear? You're like, oh, I can't stand that guy. Four. Four. Okay.

Four people I hated. Okay. Well, that was just one day, one day That was like a weird day I mean They just all happened to be on the bus that day I don't know That guy Ron that you hate I just feel like animals just don't want me around

Like I think that's your own insecurities Yeah Putting that on the dog Just give you some animal space Like they're just ironically wagging their tail Like I'm excited to see Jamel Ugh Just give you some animal space. Like, they're just ironically wagging their tail. Like, oh, I'm excited to see Jamel.

Then they make a doggy jack off motion. This fucking Jamoke. This fucking guy. Look at this mook over here. Yeah, that's how my dog talks. She's from Brooklyn. Fresh off the boat. Italiano. I'm a fucking gabagool.

Two gabagools and some ziti. Yeah. With my fucking gabagool treats. She doesn't even like raw heights. If it's not gabagool, she's not going to sit for it. Bacon bits? Are you kidding me? Where the gabagool?

Give me the garlic bread. You fucking do more yeah hey oh you've listened to the podcast you know how much the uh the audience loves the lip smacking oh there you go i wanted to get the chips out of my teeth uh-huh and you just sucked the whole nectarine raw that's solid through the peel yeah impressive mouth skills and then you spit the stem out wow i've sucked a lot of penises okay oh wow that's how that translates huh so that's how that's how you stay limber in the off season the off podcast season yep oh you know i just I just do dick sucks. Hi, I'm Jamel Johnson.

When I'm not sucking dicks, I suck nectarines. You're welcome. You can use that if you want. Thank you. You can use that if you want. I love Jamel. Well, Jamel, we're started. This is it.

This is the podcast. This is the show. You don't even say welcome to the show? Well, I'm going to do an intro beforehand. I do a separate intro. Thanks for listening to the show. Dude,'t even say welcome to the show? Well, I'm going to do an intro beforehand. I do a separate intro. Thanks for listening to the show. Dude, I don't do my research. What do you do, Jamal?

The research was, Kaderna's going to buy me a sandwich. Bung. Boom. You're in. I was like, good to go. Well, I mean, I'm glad you showed up because we made a date for this. I'll say date. And I thought about canceling. I tried to cancel to your face.

Well, not really. You canceled all the time. Yeah. Well, it went from you being like, hey, let me sleep at your house to, hey, I have to go get my picture taken because I'm a pretty princess and I can't do your podcast. Professional man photo shoot. I don't think that's what it was called he said it was for brightest young things sounds gay that's my first question is it gay i didn't ask that brightest young things i saw a dude i wound up djing their fourth of july party with andrew

bucket last year and the bouquet yeah the bouquet? Yeah, the bouquet. Uh-huh. And the gayest man in D.C. was there. Yeah? So gay. This dude. Who are you talking about? This black dude. He's buff as hell.

Yeah. In a bikini. No, no, no. Like bikini top? No, bikini bottom, B. I was going to say, if he's wearing the top, that's a bit excessive. He was like on the speedo gang and i'm like uh he was sponsored by speedo right and i was like hey we're only taking requests from

hot chicks and this dude walks up what about hot dicks yeah he's like can you play some beyonce and he was just so gay that i had to play it because I didn't want it to be like a hate crime. Yeah, the cops show up. You didn't, excuse me, you couldn't play something on B-Day? Yeah, nothing. Nothing? Nothing kind of sexy. Who do you think you are?

You know who you are? Get the paddy wagon. We'll send you to jail, Mr. I hate gays, and see how that works out for you. It was the ultimate gay straight alliance pool party. Because there was a gay. And then once we put on, like, the dance hall, like, reggae stuff, then it got real gay. Really? It was like everybody's outside of the pool kind of dancing.

And there's some chicks. There are some definite titties around. But there was a definite dude on dude twerk per capita. Dude on dude twerk per capita. Dude-on-dude twerk. Yeah, not like one or two man couples, like a few, like a bushel. Right, to make it official at that point. Yeah, to make it official. It's not just an anomaly. It's like, okay, this is happening.

Oh, yeah, this is, we're here now. This is what we're up against here. I'm like, all right. Uh-huh, uh-huh, okay. And I saw that fucking, I saw the Beyonce i saw the beyonce guy on the train when i was on the way here really yeah he was on the mark train comes up to you he's like hey you got any beyonce on your ipod i just didn't we share your butts i know i don't know the policy on remembering gay people is that like well i think they're just like

they're just like human people listen hey i'm gay, but I assume they're like humans. But this is what I'm saying. If I'm a guy and a girl comes up to me like, hey, I remember you from a thing last summer. She wants it. Yeah, that means she has invested some time in thinking about what my dick looks like. And your next thought is like, what's my mom going to think of this gal? Right? How's she going to be at Thanksgiving?

That's exactly where we go from there. I would say, hey you a plane ticket already it is true though it's just like anytime uh a female is nice you're like oh man this poor girl you know it's like oh is that a new shirt i like your haircut it's like ah sorry baby i got a girlfriend you got to reel it in a little bit shut up bitch they can't just be nice bitch. They can't just be nice people. Yeah, they can't just be nice people. It must be tough to be a woman, especially a generally attractive, like a non-ugly woman. It's got to be tough. Just in general.

I mean, can you imagine? You can't be nice to dudes. No, never. Never. Yeah. And, I mean, you can't even just exist, you know. Yeah. As much as we think we're sly like oh wow look at her uh breast look at her butt they know they know they know as much

as you're like oh i could be looking at that canary over there but they've leaned into it with the yoga pants real hard so i don't understand what's happening anymore i always feel uncomfortable at hooters because i just don't understand like am i supposed to be looking at your titties ma'am uh-huh they're here uh-huh the place is called hooters yeah but you're like a woman yeah you know with the and you're not talking about the staff it's just a woman you're not you're not a sex slave you are you you get paid to work here and i'm sure you don't want me ice grilling your tits. Or maybe you do. Maybe you do.

I think maybe Hooters needs to put. Oh, sorry. We've offended the dog. She is a lady. Yes. Sorry. She's alerting all the other feminist dogs. Sorry, you bitch.

Whoa. Hey. Hey, she licked your ear. Hey. You are bringing out your issues. Hey, hey. Hey, she licked your ear. Hey. You are bringing out your issues on her. I don't want no dog pussy. Get out of the studio. Listeners, he's shaking his head no right now.

He's saying that, but his eyes are asking for something else. And we see it. I know that's right. Oh, goodness. Goodness, Jamel. You're too much. Look at you. Too much. Wearing your hockey jersey. Do you like hockey? Yeah. Goodness, Jamel. You're too much. Look at you.

Too much wearing your hockey jersey. Do you like hockey? Yeah. Do you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Look, I wouldn't have started watching if the caps never got good. Okay. Because, yeah, I feel like every time I see you, you are in a jersey for the most part. That's usually how I roll. Hockey when it's cold. Basketball when it's warm. Right. And I've got like, yeah, I could wear jerseys for a whole calendar month if I saw it necessary.

Yeah. The show we did last night, you would have liked payment in a jersey. For sure. And I don't know. And I bricked on that. That's all right. I have a problem. Well, I don't know.

I'm a weirdo. I've always been into logos and I've also been addicted to sports. So it's all those things. And in elementary school, the Cavs got waxed by the Red Wings in a final. I think it was 97. Yeah. We got swept. Shout out to Peter Bondra.

Yeah. I started watching. He's a dickhead. He's a listener. Nice. So, yeah. What up, Pete? We call him Pete. Yeah, Pete. a listener. Nice. So, yeah. What up, Pete? We call him Pete.

Yeah, Pete. Petey Bonds. Yeah, dude. I've just been watching ever since. And also, all the rappers from the 90s used to wear hockey jerseys. Your Snoop Doggs. Really? Queen Latifah, Living Single.

Season 2, all hockey jerseys. What? I loved it. Kenan. Kenan and Kel. He was big on it as well. I remember seeing Busta Rhymes with the Nagano Olympics, the Czech Republic. Yeah.

Their Nagano joint. You got an eye for these hockey jerseys. No, I have a, yeah, it's a real. Queen Latifah, as I remember, is the key necklace. Always had the key. Yes. She did have the key necklace. You're the only white person I ever met. Hey, in a 90s kind of world i'm glad i got my girls

hey right darns right yo right we're tight like glue true blue yeah i wish i remembered more of the song now oh i know it all okay you were good no pressure no. Keep your head up. What? Yeah, what? Keep your head up. That's right. Yeah, that's right. Whenever this life gets tough, you got to fight. Katerna's over here standing on my left and my right. True blue.

It's tight like glue. Yep. Check, check, check it out. Yeah, we're living a single. Single. Yeah, we're living a single life. Extended version. Yeah, yeah.

They only used that like two episodes. Yeah, that was for like the dramatic. The pilot joint, yeah. Oh, yeah. Pilots always had the longer intro. Because I think they get away with that. They're like, we wrote like 12 minutes of show. Like, that's cool. We got a six minute intro.

It's going to eat up a lot of it. And it's slamming. Yeah, just when you think it's over, it starts all over. We got Dallas Austin. Uh-huh. We got Queen Latifah singing. Uh-huh. It's going to hit real horde.

Horde. Horde. That's what they said at the business meeting. Real horde. And I understand it's going to hit real horde. Every podcast I go on, I talk about Living Single. No. Yes.

No. Yes. Okay. I think that's a problem. Everything I do. I think it's because you bring up Queen Latifah probably every podcast, too. Well, yeah, because I'm always wearing a hockey jersey, which then leads to me. Am I asking the hack podcast question?

Jamel hack podcast question is, Jamel, are you black? Jamel, are you black? Uh-huh. Are those glasses? What's up with the hockey jersey? Jamel Woodbridge? Uh-huh. Question mark?

Uh-huh. And, yeah. Well, we talked about animals. I got to the heart of that. I got to some really. We never got to animals. Yep, yep. I'll ask you some serious stuff.

Here we go, buddy. Come on. Is that seat getting hot? Because you're in a hot one. A hot seat. Here we go. Oh, let me warm it up. What are you? A Libra in a hot one. A hot seat. Here we go. Oh, let me warm it up. What are you?

A Libra with a rising Virgo sign? Straight Virgs, man. You're a Virgo. Wow, I just guessed on that one. Gotcha. Gotcha. Got me. Gotcha.

Gotcha journalism. Gotcha, idiot. Fucking idiot. This is where I grill you. I lulled you into false sense of security. Damn, dude. You fucking piece of shit. Is this because I said I don't like House of Cards? This is where I grill you I lulled you into false sense of security Damn dude You fucking piece of shit Is this because I said I don't like House of Cards?

Hey, a lot of that was shot right around the corner from my house Whatever And I have a thing for bisexual deviant politicians Don't we all? Yeah I just wish they would put the tapes out Yeah, yeah, yeah This House of Cards shit is not enough

I need the real raw pornos. How much did you watch of it this second season here? Like a couple episodes, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just on the humble. Not into it. Just not into just certain white things in film. Okay, like what?

Because I like just like that. Yeah. I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like... Yeah. I don't like the good wife. I never watched it. Just the commercials. So you're talking about like when you say white stuff,

the like overly dramatic for no reason seeming stuff? Just... Like my husband cheated just anything in general just just white people having a good time that bothers you period periods too body oh god periods yuck with an exclamation point on that huh no question marks there on periods period talk with josh and jamel i don't know i want to i want to do a uh video documentary of me uh-huh this is jamel's relationship with white people in television oh yeah just watching and just seeing what I actually like and what makes me upset and what will make me cry.

Make you cry? Yeah. Oh, like actually cry because you're emotionally upset or because you're so angry that it brings you to tears? All of the above. I mean, if you think about any MTV movie awards you ever saw. Which I do often. Some real tearjerkers, tear jerkers man yeah yeah yeah is that i don't know just i don't know what i'm trying to say i don't know just white people having a

good time bothers me really just being devious uh-huh or you know enjoying soul music yeah which i which i've been doing a lot period yeah don't i invited you over to my house and it's like hey remember when this music was popular huh yeah you had a big hose yeah when you have like an industrial fire hose i'm just pointing to a shitty uh water fountain huh jamel what about this? You remember that? Anyways, let's podcast. Let's podcast.

Let's have some shots. Now let's get drunk. Shots. And listen to it some more. Yeah, let's get drunk and depressed and think about this some more. I don't know, man. Yeah. I feel like, am I bringing you down?

No, I brought myself down. Yeah. I started thinking about House of Cards. I just started thinking about white people in a certain way. Do white people bother you? No. Do I bother you? No.

Okay, cool. No. Okay, good. Good. Good. Good. No. The long protracted answers always make me feel good. You know I'm telling the truth because my voice. The higher it goes, the more sincere it is. No. The long protracted answers always make me feel good. You know I'm telling the truth because my voice.

The higher it goes, the more sincere it is. No way. Those are the rules. Those are the rules right there. Well, let's talk comedy a little bit because you're a super funny dude. And the first time I think that we talked was online. I had just put out Finazzo's album. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're like, hey, you want to put my album out? I was like, how long have you been doing it? You're like, two years. I was like, okay. And then I think it just fell apart from there. No, because I thought about it, and I was like, well, how much time do I actually have? And then I was like, well, fuck.

If I put it out, then what does that mean? I have to stop doing it? Right. I got to do more? Do stuff already? Like, fuck that. Right, right. So I just protracted.

You bought a protractor. I bought a protractor for that. Followed up on your trigonometry. Yeah, yeah, T-square. Got real sick on it. Radiuses, diameters, all that stuff. Yeah, I was saying last night, I failed algebra 2 because I just refused to switch over to a graphing calculator. Yeah, that's right.

Because what's the point if I can't spell, if I can't handcraft the word boobs? Right. Like, I could spell it in English, whatever. No, I want to craft it from Sumeric text. Yeah, and have to be able to flip it upside down. Like the ancients. Right, right, right. like our elder forefathers exactly and there's like 8085 what does this mean flip it over boobs right there right there right

there it's incredible every time you do it it's always funny it's always it's never not funny somebody tapping you on the shoulder like jamelel, Jamel. And you turn around. Boobs. Right there. You're like, hey, I get it. Chicks have boobs. That calculator says boobs. Bringing it all together. We should get some boobs in here. Speaking of equations.

Oh, in here? I mean, no. Like, in the classroom. Teacher, can we get some boobs in here, please? Some boobs over here, man. Post-taste? Yeah, my trigonometry teacher. My trigonometry teacher.

Arthur Treachers. Yep, that was him. No, it's this fella named Mr. Ickes. He was about like 5'5". Nice. Built like a garden gnome, like bald on top with a big bushy gray beard. Oh, beautiful. Oh, he was the best.

And his name was Mr. Ickes. He was my favorite. It's like he has spells in his pocket. He might have. Like a little sack that he could just draw a palace from. Yeah, definitely garden gnome kind of troll bridge guarding type. Ah. No, but more like, more grizzled.

More like in the mountains. Like, ah. Oh. A little bit of that. A little bit of that. Lightning strike. Not that much. Not too much?

You're kind of going towards Gandalf now. Now it's just kind of like backwoods, kind of like, ah, Mr. Kuldurna. Like that type of thing. Kuldurna. Kuldurna. And he had a misshapen pinky that had like this huge calcium deposit in it oh buddy and uh he used to joke around a lot and um i remember we were doing an equation or something some uh word problem and uh he's like a man uh he's up 450 feet high on a bridge he's up real high and then somebody asked

uh somebody asked him like oh mr Ricketts, do you get high? And he's like, to grade your papers, I have to be. Now, anyway. He had, like, a good sense of humor. And his misshapen pinky, he was just like, Mr. Kulderna, he follows my every move. Keeps his eye on my misshapen pinky. Oh, my God. And I was like, no, I don't.

No, I don't. That's not true. I look at it from time to time but i don't i don't i move on i look at your beard but uh back to the calculator he um he had the ti-83 and he could plug it into like a projector and so he could show everybody like what we're doing with like the like tang equations and stuff. It's getting really popping. Yeah, exactly. Like, hey, this is how you break it down. So what I would do is I would change it to the font function before class started, before he got there. I would write penis on it. So when he turns it on, boom, projected right on the screen.

Penis for the whole class to see. So he would go turn it on, and the class would be like, laughing a little bit. And then he turns around, he's like, oh, God, who put this penis up there? I was like, I did. I'm a genius. Hello. That was me. Mr. Cool Turner.

If you could go back, you would write boobs, though, right? I thought penis was just funnier. Yeah, I understand. I agree. Hey, hey. I mean, well, i think that was the evolution you know we had hell we had boobs let's do penis let's do penis let's show them yeah let's show them what we're made of i kind of just wanted to hear mr rickus say penis who put penis on my

ti83 i used to just play phoenix phoenix phoenix it was like a little game yeah yeah well i know she's like galaga oh yeah yeah snake was good ienix phoenix it was like a little game yeah yeah well i know she's like oh yeah yeah snake was good i like that one then there was like drive she had like that little like zero kind of thing going on there very nice yeah yeah yeah mr kiss was awesome though he uh one time he was uh writing on the chalkboard we could see blood on his forearm like mr because you're bleeding he's like oh i fell off a ladder this weekend. I'm like, yeah, but it's like Tuesday. What's going on?

He just couldn't find time to get a bandage. I guess. No cause for that. And he fell off a ladder. It's because all the vitamins are in his mid-shape. They couldn't.

They're just collecting that. Yeah, we got to get that around. I had a shitty math. All my math teachers sucked. Yeah. Oh, they shitty math. Oh, my math teacher sucked. Yeah. Oh, they all sucked. Hey, they might be listening. Fuck.

Hey, okay. Algebra one. Here we go. Well, first off, all right, Mr. Oh, fuck. I forgot his name. Math head. Seventh grade math.

Druniak. Mr. Druniak. Druniak. Mr. Druniak. Druniak? Mr. Druniak. That's a weird name. He used to scratch his nuts. What? And then shake hands with people.

Ugh. Seen him do it many a time. Eighth grade, Miss McKenna. Uh-huh. This bitch used to fart in class and blame it on the children. No. And she used to just kick me out of class all the time. Would she audibly fart?

Or would it just be some, like, silent but deadlies? Nah, she just busts. Well, I think it was a a few silent jams but she busted off a nice one one time it was real nice it was very nice uh when she just like god damn it martin and he's like what miss mckenna what up yeah i hope you know what itunes is bitch because i hope i hope that fucking gas passing bitch is a dig head. Ninth grade was cool. I just. I forgot.

I had one class and I wasn't supposed to be in that class. So the second half of the year I was in another class and I don't know. Teacher was cool. Miss Ashmula was all right. Uh huh. Uh huh. I feel like more pot would help your memory right now. Yeah.

10th grade. Uh-huh. Mr. Burke Bigler. Biggest dickhead. Burke Bigler. As in Dirk Bigler. Yeah. Yeah.

Because he was like the stupid gay version and the uncool version. Burke Bigler. Uh-huh. He was just whatever. Just a dickhead. And he had this weird voice, and he used to have chalk stains, like, on his nipples and butt cheeks. Because he would lean against the board,

or he just had a good fetish going on? We don't know. We never knew. We never knew. I didn't want to know. Another dude who didn't fuck with my antics. Yeah, yeah. Were you the class clown type? I was a little clowny.

Yeah, yeah. Like, hey, let's play the penis game. didn't fuck with my antics. Were you the class clown type? I was a little clowny. Let's play the penis game. Let's write penis on the calculator. Yeah, a little penis on the calculator. A little subtle get up, use the Windex to clean my glasses. Very subtle. Little subtle jams like that.

Just to kind of show like, hey, you think you're in charge? I'm going to clean my glasses right now. How about that, Ms. Teacher Bitch? I believe one time I just was yelling satin panties in class for a while. Just like a minute. Just like a good 30 seconds. That's a long time to be yelling.

Did they try to stop you or they're just like so 47 the answer was just let him just the war of 1812 just let me go uh-huh he's gonna tire himself out soon enough i uh i remember in our spanish class speaking of a penis you know the penis game of course you try to yell you know the game is you gotta yell penis keep going it's got to get louder someone just yell penis and see that's what i'm saying i just cut the game out yeah i was just like let's just i'm just gonna yell it like we all know yeah it's like a drinking game you're like no fuck we're all we want to drink let's just drink we want to say penis let's just scream penis let's get right to it let's just be men yeah like our forefathers

before us. You think they waited for an escalation in the penis game? Nah, dude. It went right to the top of penis mouth. George Washington was yelling penis on his own. So much so, it broke his goddamn teeth. Teeth off his mouth. Yep.

He shouted so loud, it just shattered them. You think that THX noise is loud. You've never heard the old Georgie Wash shout penis on the Delaware. George Wash. That's him. The washing machine. Did you ever see The Wash, the movie? Yeah.

Snoop Dogg? Yeah, Eminem. Yeah, Snoop. Eminem main character? Yeah, Eminem main character? Yeah, Eminem main villain? Yeah. Does he come back or is he just always prank calling them? I think he just comes out and then I think... I don't think I've seen all of it because it was really bad.

I think Debo just hits him on the top of the head. I like that he's always known as Debo no matter what he does. You'll be Debo. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, real quick. In our Spanish 101 class, I remember our teacher was Miss Almagor, or Professora Almagor. And we played the penis game in there one day.

And she let it go probably for like 30, 45 seconds. We were like shouting penis. And she was trying to ignore us. And then she just turns around. She goes, like shouting penis. And she was trying to ignore us. And then she just turns around and she goes, coma que penis. Which made it all the better. You can't be shouting penis. Coma que penis.

En vivo telemundo. Pantalones. Bye, man. Pepsi, cola, wild cherry. Tossed white marsh mole. Tu quieres Facebook? Donde es iPod? Donde es el iPad?

El iPad Air. That sounds like a real word, iPad Air. I like bad I like bad air That sounds like a real word I bet air Yeah that's kind of sound like I bet me knee Now it's getting a little panini-ish Panini yeah Whatever

Donde es panini How fucking long have you been doing stand-up man? 14 months 14 months So what were you doing before that improv all right all right still do improv though i did improv i'm doing this is like my third year of improv i think i think yeah so i'd say you got what you're rolling up on five years in the mr funnies game uh maybe somewhere in there what we had no funny yuckles when I say three, I think that includes classes and stuff, too. So I think I'm at, like, maybe two, two and a half for, like, improv.

I don't want to say professionally. Yeah, I was going to say professionally. Because you never get paid. I was just about to say professionally. Yeah, no. If anything, improv has cost me a lot of money. All right. Well, good.

Well, just because, you know, you go to a show, you're going to buy beers afterwards and hang out and all that stuff. That's why winter's the best, because you just sneak the booze in yourself. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, that's why you got the jerseys. Just your whole arms are just lined with canteens. Yeah.

Just form arm-fitted fucking flasks. Mm-hmm. Nice. Wooden. Yes. Like multiple. Flask-shaped sleeves. Yeah. arm fitted right uh fucking uh flasks mhm nice wooden yes flask shaped sleeves yeah dude

but yeah haven't been doing stand up that long per se but alright yeah you're like the uh

you're like the you're like the dude right now like not you're like the like the young you're like AVN

AVN 2014 new starlet, Josh Katerna. I don't want to be on that trajectory. So in three years, I'm going to be like blowing some guy on a white leather couch just for meth? Yeah, man. If you like meth, dog, if you see fit. If you're lucky, man. Yeah, boy. What are you talking about?

Fingers crossed. If I get another free sandwich, I wish. I wish. If I could blow you and maybe get a Timberwolves jersey out of it, yeah. Yeah. I mean, we'll talk. I don't want to give you a hard yes right now. Yeah, but take my know, take my card.

Take my info down. I'm not going anywhere. Okay. All right. All right. See you, Bear. See you, Bear and Jamal. Let's see.

Let's see you. Let's see you. What do you mean? What do you mean the dude right now? I mean, you're just like around. Yeah. You're getting on some things. Well, I was going to bring that up.

Going down to D.C. from doing shows in Baltimore and then going down to D.C. It's fun, but it's kind of scary because everybody knows everybody down there. Oh, you mean because it's like fucking Degrassi? Yeah. You're reading my mind. Yeah, it's exactly like Degrassi. No, it's like, I don't know, yeah. No, no, no, which isn't a bad thing, and nobody was mean or anything,

but when you start to go to shows and then you're hanging out in the green room area and everybody's like, hey, remember that inside joke? We all know each other, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Trash cans, you're like, oh, yeah, trash cans. Oh, fire truck, man. What'd you think about that weirdo Josh Geraghty? What you think? Me?

I put trash in trash cans as well, fellas. What'd you say? Nothing. Nothing, man. I put trash in trash cans. Who the fuck? Who do you think you are, dog? Hold on.

I got to pretend I just got an email. Hold on. Who do you think you are, dog? Hold on, I gotta pretend I just got an email. Hold on. Did you just pull out a two-way pager? No. Out here? No, no, no. I mean, it's... It's a flip phone.

It's a flip phone. You're going 19th. Okay. And I never want to see you again. I'm not even going to introduce you. I'm going to leave the mic at the stage empty. And you're going to have to fill in the dead air. Yeah, I mean, it's the same thing in Baltimore, too, though.

Coming from D.C. to Baltimore. I mean, it's probably like, it's just like that in any scene. Yeah, it's just weird to have, like, eight dudes just kind of look at you for 20 minutes. Yeah. Hey. Yeah. I got. have like eight dudes just kind of look at you for 20 minutes yeah yeah hey yeah yeah i got in like the game of like verbal double dutch you're just like let me jump that i got a riff i got a rip here comes a here comes a uh here comes an insight into what you're talking about hey benghazi benghazi been there, right folks? I know. Okay, guys, I'm going to drive an hour in the dark.

See you later. I'll see you at another open mic. Yeah, that's pretty accurate. Yeah, I tell it like it is on this podcast. But whatever, you did it for a while, and now... Yeah. And everybody's cool i like that it's it's nice last night was nice you know hanging out with people like hey i know your name you know my name you know you want to trade lunches i have an ecto cooler yeah i have a couple extra high c's it's a capri sun without the straw, though, if you want that.

Nobody wants that, though, right? Nobody wants that. I'd fight somebody if they tried to make that deal with me. Don't ever bring that to my... Don't ever bring that bullshit to my attention. Why do you even have that? Excuse me. Come on, Colby.

I think your second-hand medicine's getting in my brain here Getting a little high here Getting a little A little toasty You can say that in Baltimore I can say that out loud What's the podcast laws

You can say whatever you want I can say whatever I want I mean this podcast does just go to Baltimore I mean it's not an international thing True Well let's keep talking comedy. Let's do more comedy. You want to talk comedy?

Sure. Actually, I want to get to the bottom of these jerseys. What are you doing with them? Jamel, I'm looking at my notes here. It says you wear glasses? What's that? Okay. All right.

They are real. The rumors are true. Oh, yeah. Thank you, En Vogue. Yeah, it was pretty cool to get there. We've added Vogue in here the entire time. They're a great, great group of girls.

See? They're having fun. Can I pay them $74,000 just to do... That's three gals. I'm in debt. Up to my eyeballs. Making the podcast way better. Way better.

The forefront of podcast financing. Josh Canerna, what were you going to say? I was going to say, what's your favorite En Vogue album? Whichever one is the set it off soundtrack. Didn't they do that whole soundtrack? Queen Latifah. Bringing it back.

Bringing it all the way back. Bringing it back. That was her cornrow days. Because if you're going to rob a bank, you want cornrows. You got it. Can't have hair getting in the way. Right? All right.

Next question. When did you start comedy? I started comedy in april 2010 uh-huh it's 419 whoa a little 419 action huh oh yeah and the next day you started your medicinal weed smoking i'm sure living that fast comedy life huh yeah I'll just keep talking while you do that. Hey, hey, hey. This is me vamping. These are my improv skills. Hey.

Oh. I was doing some crazy dancing just now. You really were. I didn't even know your knees could bend like that. That was crazy. Oh, man. Where'd you think Chris Brown, where'd you think he got it from? You taught him how to dance.

That's all you taught him though right i mean what the fuck are you i'm not trying to insinuate anything but he has a checkered past what is that even so the dance instructor did it i'm not i mean i'm just curious hey i didn't come here to talk about that look i'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Wolf Blitzer. What? Back the fuck off. Whoa. You can't talk to Wolf like that. He's an old man. Dude, I was on his podcast.

Wolf Chat. He's trying to grill me about, ooh, did you take Chris Brown to the strip club as a child and also beat up strippers at the same strip club at the same time and then film it and then, you know, sell it at local record stores that sell white tall tees. Wolf asked the hard questions. Yeah, that sounds like something he'd ask. And I told him go straight to hell and I'm going to tell you the same thing. I kind of feel like you should answer the question, though. The people want to know.

This is exactly how they got Tanya Harding. Mm-hmm. And I refuse to speak on it. My dog is going to hit you in the knee with a lead pipe. Yo. That was Tanya Harding, right? Yeah. Yeah.

No, she hit Nancy Kerrigan. Her boyfriend did. Her, the bodyguard, who was not actually the bodyguard. Yeah. Did it. Did the hitting. Pointing is good on a podcast, too. Yeah.

Jamel just made his point by pointing. I kind of pointed. I poked it on the table as well. Yeah. Just reaffirming it. Okay. Whatever. So, look.

Comedy. April. Yeah. 19th. How'd it go? I almost peed my pants. Really? Yeah.

You still get nervous? Of course. But like a good nervous? Yeah, usually. Brings you in the zone. A little fight or flight response. Yeah, get a little jacked up. A little adrenaline.

Yeah. For sure. Okay. So how did it go the first time, even though, like, you were super nervous? Did you get... I got some laughs, and then I did not get some laughs. Right. That's good.

So as long as you're getting some laughs the first time, right? Right? Yeah, no, it's fine. What were you talking about? Chick's panties? Sat in panties? Living single? I was talking about...

You guys seen this key around Queen Latifah's neck? What's up with that? What is that about? What's seen this key around Queen Latifah's neck? What's up with that? What is that about? What's that about? Is that the key to her heart? I hear she's a lesbian. Guys, I'm Jamel. Have a good night.

Close. No, I did some shit about not having health care. I did some stuff about how tea party guys don't like fat asses. Yeah. I did some stuff about... As a tea party guy,'t like fat asses. Yeah. I did some stuff about that. As a tea party guy, I'm going to say that's not true. I did some... I like my budgets slim, but my ass is fat.

I tell you that, huh? Hey-o. Hey. Go ahead. Sorry. No, no. I just did some America's Best Dance Crew stuff as well. Okay.

Okay. Okay. And I don't remember. There's something else that I forgot, but I don't remember. Okay. Okay. Okay. And I don't remember. There's something else that I forgot, but I don't remember. Okay. Alright. You look really perplexed. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Alright.

Hey. What? What? Are you the policeman? What? You're looking at me. Me? What? You know, man. What? You're looking at me. What? You don't know, man. What? Why you tell me to come to this podcast, man? What are you talking about? Who the fuck is parking the car outside? Who is that out there? That's my friend, Mitch. He's got a great mustache. You don't got no friends, man. Come on. Yeah, it's Mitch. Everybody knows, man.

I don't know. No, for real? Me and my friends throw trash in trash cans around here. Do you have any gun sound effects on that board? Because nobody's leaving this room now. Oh, what? I'm not going down like this. Oh, okay.

To hit the gun. No, no. Jamel took his pants off, for those listening. And I am kind of scared. I am kind of scared. Why don't you talk about comedy now hey mr funny guy mr i could come to dc and hang out with my friends yeah yeah i bet yeah i bet you would i will can we do podcasts like that like uh like angry no i just want to start doing podcasts in hostage situations.

Hey, so how long you been a hostage? I'm going to get caught in a hostage situation and podcast it. How long you think this thing's going to go, huh? I'm going to put it up on Tumblr. Do you think the police are going to get us the chopper we asked for? What are your thoughts? What do y'all think? You guys think, huh?

Get a little warm in here. Don't worry. We're going to get you a pizza very soon. Feel free to email us any questions you have to... Yeah, to... Stockholmes... Pete Stockholmes. Stockholmes Pete.

Stockholmes Pete. Hey, I'm Stockholmes Pete. Welcome to the hostage situation. The sitch. All right, Jermell, I'm going to need you to get off your phone. Speaking of fucking Pete Holmes, see, that's another guy. The white people enjoying themselves too much for my liking. Yeah, sorry.

And that, what I was saying earlier, Pete Holmes is a guy. Well, he annoys white people, too. I can just tell he's actually afraid of black people and it's not a bit like it just seems like for those listening jamel made a disgust face kind of like not even a disgust face like oh oh geez little boy oh geez oh. He hates black people for real. Oh, no. There's black teens next to me on the train. So I'm going to smile uncomfortably.

I don't know. I think he's probably okay with black people. I guess. I guess. I've emailed him several times. Ari, you your obvious racism. That's the subject line. I'd like to thank you for not responding again, Mr. Pete Holmes.

I know these are going to you. I get the red receipts. I know. I spend so much money on stamps why am i mailing these it takes such a long time um no i i think he uh i think he probably annoys a lot of people anybody anybody that that is that uh happy all the time it can't be real you? And I think that's what annoys people. It's like, come on, settle down. You're not that smiley, you know? Yeah, man.

I want to see. We discussed the real stuff here. I want to get real for a minute. Yeah, let's do it. I want to say. Here we go. You're exactly right. What you said earlier, life, it's not about smiling, dude. Yeah.

It's not about having a good time. No. It's about. Especially on this podcast. It's about putting your dick in the dirt. Uh oh. Get in the shit and start swirling it around. Uh huh.

I wish I could but I potted my dick off already. Did you know that? Your dick, it's gone. Knocked it in the dirt. With a goddamn sledgehammer, man. a goddamn sledgehammer man my verbal sledgehammer funniest video

to never be filmed I don't know just somebody getting their dick sledgehammered off just like but like

knocking it off like a like a lego piece or something yeah like an icicle hanging off like a rafter yeah it's a, like an icicle hanging off of a rafter or something. Yeah, it's a real comical separation from the body.

Because otherwise, I couldn't watch that. Can you watch those videos where people, it's like, this idiot rides a motorcycle into a wall. No, I don't like that shit. Yeah, I don't like that either. I had an opportunity to get a video on Scarred. Oh, that was an MTV show, right? I don't like that either. I had an opportunity to get a video on Scarred. My friends were- Oh, that was an MTV show, right? Where people are like, my knee's made out of a computer now.

Yeah, pretty much. I tried to do a nollie down a 20 set. You said I couldn't do a nollie on a unicycle. They were right. Hi, I'm a white suburban kid with too much time. Exactly. So me and my friends are at the elementary school they're fucking skating around scoping for chicks as you're want to do at the elementary school i'm taping it and camera's about to die so i turn it off my friend's little brother's on a bike as i've been pressing the power button he's like like, hey, check this out. Yeah. And he tries to bunny hop over a bench.

Back tire catches the bench. He flies over the bike, the bench, the whole nine. That was like a, it was a rad-ass fall. Rad-ass fault is what he fell on, huh? That's what he did, yeah. Just like that game Road Rash. Yeah. One, two, and three.

Mm-hmm. Did he break anything. One, two, and three. Did he break anything? Any cuts? Any stitches? A couple cuts, I think. He just really knocked the wind out of himself. And he hit his fucking dick on the... Into the microphone, sir. Especially if we're talking dicks. Yeah, sorry. No, he

went straight over the handlebars within his dick. I feel like now you're speaking at like a Senate hearing. Excuse me, Mr. Johnson. Yes. For the record, we're going to need to hear about what actually happened to his dick. I'm sorry, Mr. Prime Minister. It's all right.

Go on. His dick went into the handlebars and then strided upward at a high velocity. High velociter. I don't think that's a word. High velocity. That's not a word. Velocity. Is he a velociraptor? I feel like you're trying to say velociraptor.

No, no, no, no. That's different. This hearing is bullshit. I'm going to say it right now. I like to thank you all for your time. I've been Jamal. Follow me on Twitter. People do that at congressional hearings.

Yo, I want to do dumb congressional hearing videos. EPA guy. At EPA guy on Twitter. You just want to say, yeah, stuff like that. Yeah. Hold on. I want to circle back to it. Did you ever injure yourself trying to do some dumb stuff or accidentally?

No, I've injured myself just being fat and stupid. That's what the doctor says, like, Jamal, buddy. Your brain is too dumb. He's looking at your file. Look at your dumb body. We ran your blood. You're fat and stupid. What happened?

I mean, I could run the test again. It's a plus or minus one error scale. It's in bold aerial font on the paper. I don't know what you want me to do, buddy. So here's some vitamins. So what do you mean? You just like fall sometimes? Yeah, I fall.

Silly stuff. Yeah, I've fallen sometimes. And I've kicked mics. Exactly. See, that wasn't planned. That wasn't. Nope. I broke my arm in sixth grade running backwards in PE.

Just tripped and fell on my arm. Just running backwards like, hey, ladies. Most guys run forward. Look at this and fell on my arm. Just running backwards like, hey, ladies, most guys run forward. Look at this guy. Check me out. Oh! Fell, busted my shit. I mean, a couple sprained ankles. I sprained my ankle one time

running down a hill on wet grass. Okay. I've fallen on a, like, stepped onto a longboard absolutely incorrectly and just fell on my shoulder like immediately as soon as I stepped on it you didn't even do anything on the board

just getting on top of it it was enough I was done I did this sick trick where you stand on top of it I fell down a set of bleachers one time I fell up the stairs at the mall you sound like the Mr. Magoo I've down a set of bleachers one time. I fell up the stairs at the mall, Potomac Mills. You sound like the Mr. Magoo.

Yeah, I got a few. I fucked my knees up a few times over the years. Like a New Year's party, I fell into a ditch. Yeah, just like a drunken kind of stumble thing. Yeah, it was like one of those long pipe stem driveways. And so it had like two ditches on either side and they were full of dead leaves. I'm running at about three miles an hour. Yep.

And yeah. Miles per? Yeah. Proceed to bust my shit. Yeah. I fell into it. Then I fell down the bleachers. What else happened? Oh, yeah.

I RG3'd myself at the Benson Ball party. Felon that slipped on the deck. Ooh. Busted my ass, but my me ended up swollen. So I think I hyperextended it. And then Haloti Nada tackled you. Yeah. Which didn't help.

That just exacerbated the situation. Yeah, but the whole situation. And he proceeded to just do a tight five about it. It just tackles you off stage. Yeah. I mean, there's still some time to kill here. I got some material. And I'm a giant.

That happened. I did the same thing on a sewer grate on M Street back when Dre was still hosting Old Glory. Uh-huh. So just some falls. Yeah. Just kind of just like some general like just a general style fall right right right right at any given moment i have vertigo and hit your glasses on the mic yeah now it's just you're all over the place

you're wild you're a wildman not that there's anything wrong with that. You seem to be okay. You're making it work for you. It's like, it's like the American werewolf in London. Uh-huh. But now he's in Baltimore. Uh-huh. Just getting,

getting too clumsy. Like, he must be stopped. There's tattered clothes everywhere. That goofball's on the run again. I, when I was younger, you know how on the playground age,

maybe like early elementary school around there, the monkey bars, right? We're all familiar with the monkey bars, right? Yeah, yes. And normally you just climb up the little ladder part, you grab on the top part, and you kind of move across the monkey bars, right? For sure. And then some hotshot changes the game by jumping to like the second bar. He's not going to start with the first

one. Have you seen this? Yeah, yeah. They're going to skip the bar. I'm going to jump to the third bar. Exactly. Ladies, you seeing this, right? Yeah. I am the fairest. I don't start with the first bar. Move right to the third, ladies. I am the fairest lad of the world.

He's got his little Velcro shoes on. Kindergarten maidens. Hello, maidens. Freckly maidens. So I'm like, I got to get me some of this freckly maiden cooties. Yeah, I'm trying to put some cooties on. I'm trying to get cooties. I'm trying to give cooties just wherever'm trying to give cooties. Just wherever the cooties are.

Wherever they are. And so I want to jump to the bar, right? I go to jump, hit my two front teeth right on the bar. Knocked them right out. Nice. Yeah, it was awful. That's great. Yeah, it really is.

And thus began your comedy career. Yeah, like, guys, no, I meant to do that. I'll be at daycare all week. I'll see you guys tomorrow. Give it up for your other monkey bar jumpers. And then I got out of there. They're not called monkey bar jumpers, you fucking idiot. What are they called?

They're called... Oh, okay. You just trapped yourself. Yeah, that's what you're trapped you talked a lot I can't even think anything dumb you talked a lot of shit

shit man yeah yeah Moncletas okay that's what they call them in Spain Sons

Moncletas Con Aloe Vera I was gonna go Corn Flakes that's what I was going to go cornflakes I was thinking cornflakes no cornflakes cornflakes

corn aloe vera oh mass sugar sounds great I think that's how you say it there I don't know yeah I don't know I don't know Sounds great. I think that's how you say it there. I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know. Nothing, man. I don't know. Nothing, man. It took about 50 minutes, but yeah, you don't know nothing. You've been exposed on this podcast, sir. Damn, dude. See, I just lulled you into a false sense of security. I'm like, hey, tell me about the jerseys.

Boom. Gotcha. Much like Connie Chung did to Tonya Harding. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You backed me into a corner. Don't make me unzip this mask. It's Josh Kaderna mask to reveal.

Serious ass questions. Connie Chung underneath. Yeah. I wouldn't even, if it actually happened, I don't know. I would just laugh until I died. My mic. Yeah, I'll just put you with the rest of the podcast guests that have died. When you pull the Connie Chung trick.

Yeah, that's what that smell is. That's why I have the wild honeysuckle scented candle going, just to cover up the dead comedian guest. I did almost die of laughter one time yeah yeah a friend of mine uh i didn't ask about it i don't give a fuck no go ahead go ahead i'm just thinking about it come on it's making me come on a friend of mine overloaded a uh oh yeah one of those uh overloaded one of those uh soulful r&b yeah bong packs too much bong in the bong okay i smoke the whole bong uh-huh and then i become bonged billabonged i'm where i'm at pack son now You got your chain wallet on Polo shirt

Frosted tips Yo the tips were so frosted man Like a frosted flake He frosted flakes Our Spanish guy is slowly becoming like Dracula As they all tend to do Blood And frosted flakes yeah so no and then i couldn't talk for a while and then i had to leave i was driving

yeah and yeah driving high never good i'm usually fine but uh yeah i don't know my friend said something and i started laughing i don't even remember what was said yeah but it was the slightest gesture right it just it just destroys me right and then i couldn't stop laughing it went on for 30 minutes 30 minutes of straight laughing and i didn't want to laugh after about two minutes right and then you're just stuck in it. Yeah. Stomach muscles getting tight. Yeah. No, it was getting. I thought I was going to die like that for like the second half of the whole thing. Yeah. Like you're the victim of like the Joker's attack or something like that.

Because I thought I didn't know stuff like that was possible. Why am I still laughing? Yeah, dude. No, it was. Start to cry. I can't impersonate it. I can't. It was wild though. It had to be there. One of a kind experience. It was. Start to cry. I can't impersonate it. I can't. It was wild, though.

It had to be there. One of a kind experience. It was. Yeah. It was straight dick holes, man. It was not cool. You're getting. I feel like we're getting very NPR about the time that you laughed too high.

You were too high and you laughed too hard. Welcome back to fresh air. In my experience, it was straight dick holes did i tell you about my idea to have uh i just want to do a video of peter muth as the president no i would like it's just him in a sweatsuit oh his hat well like the way like his sweatshirt just normal peter muth yeah normal peter muth yeah state of the union address and it's just all about how Netflix should have all the movies? Every single movie. It's like, come on.

You pay $20 to see a new movie on your computer, right? Wouldn't you? Come on. That's him talking to the press corps. You, with the New York Times. You don't want to watch some new shit, right? Hey, how many times have somebody told you they went to see Frozen? You're not going to leave.

How many times have you heard about Frozen? Nobody's leaving the house to see Ender's Game. Okay? You might rent it at home, right? It's like, I go $40. I go upwards $40. I'm paying for convenience at that point, and I'm okay with it. What I hate, I hate these cricket commercials.

Have you seen these? No. I think you brought those up. Do you watch Hulu at all? Yes. Yeah. I have not seen the cricket commercials. Well, it's just this guy.

They're this faux. It's supposed to be like they're just catching an honest moment. It's this guy. He's at a cooking class. And the way the commercial opens is he goes, oh, so that's how raviolis made. I thought they always came from a can. And everybody's like, oh, you're so funny. And he goes, you know, this was one of my goals was actually to cook more for the year.

What are your guys' goals? And everybody just acts like they're on board. They love this guy. He's like, oh, I want to go to more concerts and one guy's like oh i want to learn to play guitar then this woman goes i wanted to take a pottery class but then you got to pay for like the clay and stuff and then he goes oh why don't you switch to cricket she goes like the cell phone company they got clay it was just yeah right first of all that's part of the class they're not telling you to take the pottery class and bring your own clay but i just hate that as soon as he's like switch to cricket they're like oh the cell phone company nobody knows what the fuck you're talking about

especially at a ravioli cooking class see that's the thing about commercials man it's they can't i don't know they're legally not allowed to make sense and they never have yeah and they never will and it's just getting ridiculous now look what the weird the weird bro oh i was right you're good the weird bro era, hyper beast, shroomed out bro, Old Spice is a tiger in the tiger's blood. Right. It is mountain burst. Be the tiger that rides an eagle to work. Yeah, you were saying, like, two, what's with the burly man?

And I've never seen more soft. You're so soft with these beards, man. man yeah soft dudes with beards is an epidemic that i i i don't want i don't want soft dudes with beards to get married i feel like gay people should get married before whenever they like before soft guys you're anti-soft dudes with beards like if you ran an establishment you'd like, we don't serve your kind here. And it's a particular type of softness. I'm a sensitive man. You know what I'm saying?

I have feelings. I don't know what you're saying. But it's like, okay, it's not soft to cross your legs. It's not. But it is soft if you're a dude and you cross your legs and then you tuck the hand inside your crossed legs. Oh, under your thigh? Not under the thigh, even in between. In between.

Yeah. That's soft, man. Right, right. That's ridiculous. Close cousin at holding the knee. Holding the knee. Yeah, holding the knee can get, that's really on the borderline. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Depending on how sharp your outfit is. If you really want to just be like super GQ about it, I can understand it. Right, right. If you've got on like wooden bottom shoes. That's the only case. Maybe. Right. You know what I'm saying?

Then you can hold your knee. Okay. I mean, I feel like this is stuff that President Peter Muth could talk about. And no more soft dudes with beards. Getting married. Yeah, like. It's 2014. We've had enough.

He does that weird point, that politician point with the thumb. The poke out, the thumb. Yeah. And then fedoras bother you, too. Fedoras in general. Yeah, just if you get the Jason Mraz... Yeah, as you call them, Jason Mraz hats. The Jason Mraz.

Jason Mraz raps. Them shits are, I don't know, man. I don't want to tell people what they can and can't do, but there's just some things that make me feel uncomfortable. So your nightmare for you. the Jamel Johnson nightmare, is a soft white dude with a beard, currently getting married, wearing a fedora, and just smiling his balls off. That's your nightmare right there. Just a really happy white dude.

And then at the reception, he's like, we're going to listen to soul music. I'm like, oh my god. Why am I at this wedding? Why did I go? I don't even know anybody named Caleb. I don't know why.

I don't know any Terrans. Talent. You alright, Jamal? Not good, huh? That was a bummer scenario. I shouldn't have brought up your nightmare scenario. Such a bummer. I've been telling this dumbass joke, like, I don't know.

What, like, all year set? Ha, gotcha. Yeah, burn. Oh, yeah. Hey, man. No big deal. It's all good. Don't worry about it.

It's all good. And even more so. I love you. You can't wait 45 minutes to hear the show. What? You know what I'm doing over here. You've been watching me. You can't.

Oh, you're derailing the program with these awesome sound bits. I don't even know. Hey, the ladies of En Vogue are going to do their own thing. So you guys are doing great. You did pay them a premium. Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. They did.

Money up front. $74,000 a piece right up front. I put it all in three separate wheelbarrows the way they like it. So this fucking joke. I've been caught up in this scenario where I wear sweatpants at Mike's a lot in the winter. And I don't. I mean, you know, whatever. It's cold.

So I'm wearing sweatpants. So what I'll say is, hey, guys, excuse my attire. I was running late from my other job. I coach a youth basketball team of all white children. And they're all named Cody and or Mason. Two kids named Cody, three Masons. And then I'll just tell my jokes and at some point just start yelling basketball plays.

Oh, I like that. Two Cody and Mason. Cody, throw the ball to Mason. Post up. Mason, screen. Come on. Pick and roll. But they're like six. Yeah. I like that. I like that I like that

Have you seen this show Hold on First off Do you even know That the Esquire Network Exists Yeah Cause going back to Hulu

They run Esquire commercials You fuck with Friday Night Tykes What They got a show Is that related To Esquire Or you just asked No it's on the esquire network that's what

i'm saying so wait i fuck with friday night lights because i'm a white dude hey yo um no friday night dykes is what it's called dykes tykes friday night dykes i was like wow esquire pushing it yeah they're they really uh they really rebranded themselves. Friday Night Tykes. It sounds like that's just like the cops setting up a sting operation for pedophiles. Like if you tune into Friday Night Tykes, immediately you see cop lights outside. It's sting operations. They've told all these dudes on the internet that little kids are going to box each other. Is that what it is? No.

No. gonna box each other is that what it is no it's just like a reality show about like youth football and just like these crazy parents and shit it's like texas youth football oh yeah so they're like like some peewee football like 10 and under like damn it's ridiculous i i watched like two episodes yeah just in a row one, and that's all I saw. But I got the gist of it. Bradley, come on, buddy. Get on the ball. A lot of stuff of that nature.

Just depressing stuff. There's always one kid who never wants to play, and then his parents make him play, and then the parents get mad that the kid's not playing. It's like the kid never wanted to be here yeah i quit peewee football i was playing i played two seasons second one i quit he's like fuck this fire look i get it i was gonna be the star running back but you know what let these other friday night tykes have it that's what i said true also i just didn't enjoy it i mean football practice just sucks yeah it's a bunch of shit you don't want to do yeah it's a lot of shit.

Yeah. I don't know. One of the drills is you just run into another guy as hard as you can while he runs into you as hard as he can. Like, this isn't fun. This guy's on my team. What's up with this? And that bull in the ring shit, what's up with that? So you already knew.

You knew at the age of nine that you were. I was like, I need to grow a beard. I need to get a beard. I'm a softie. I need a fedora. I'm going a beard. I need a fedora. I'm going to exchange this helmet for a fedora. And I'm only going to eat kale. And I'm just going to...

I'm going to snort kale. I'm going to snort kale. Do yoga. And I'm going to, you know... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I mean, I enjoy football. I just think at that age, I just didn't want to do it. I don't know. Do you play sports? Yeah, man. What do you I enjoy football. I just think at that age, I just didn't want to do it. I don't know.

Did you play sports? Yeah, man. What did you play? Football. Early? All through school. Uh-huh. A little basketball through middle school.

But then basketball didn't become fun. Yeah. Because I wasn't playing, you know? So I was like, ride the bench. I already play a sport. Yeah. And I'm better at it. I don't have to.

This bench isn't going to get any warmer. You know what I mean? Yeah. So I just chilled on that. Yeah. Threw'm better at it. I don't have to. This bench isn't going to get any warmer. You know what I mean? Yeah. So I just chilled on that. Yeah. Threw a little shot put. Really? Yeah.

Nice. You good at that? Nah. Nah. Not really. I just did it just because I didn't want to go home. I was just hanging out after school. Yeah.

See, I wanted to. I was like, I'd rather just go watch Living Single at 530 and The Simpsons at 6. Yeah. I feel you, man. Yeah. But see, I was to. I was like, I'd rather just go watch Living Single at 5.30 and The Simpsons at 6. Yeah, I feel you, man. Yeah. But see, I was getting, see,

but I was still like, all right, I'll be home and I can still get those Simpsons at 6. Right. And then I could get that Fresh Prince at 7.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe Seinfeld. Right. Maybe Seinfeld

if I'm lucky. It's better what's going on. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Judge Judy, if you're home too early.

Yeah. That 4 o'clock block there. My mom is addicted to Judge Judy. Really? Yeah. Why? I don't know. Does she say stuff like she's the boss applesauce?

She doesn't. She doesn't? She doesn't do that. I think she's just into small claims. I think she just likes to see people argue with each other. No, no, no. You were just about to say she's into small claims court. Yeah.

That's her hobby? Yeah. say she's into small claims court. Yeah. That's her hobby? Yeah. She just really enjoys small claims court. And you're like, ooh, rent disputes. Oh, that landlord didn't properly grout that tub. You see that? I don't know. That just relates to my mom.

My mom just knows a thing or two about rent disputes. So, yeah, it's in her wheelhouse. Look at this. Look at this. He's a dummy. Jamel, get in here. Look at this dummy. Yeah, that's happened more than one time.

Let's see here. Yeah, I'm trying to think. My dad, he called me recently, and and he was like he didn't even say hello he kind of doesn't do that if he has something he really wants to talk about he'll be like hello and then he just launches right into whatever it is and I was like hello he goes what's with this Hunger Games shit

now your dad's running bits on you have you seen this you heard about this Now your dad's running bits on you. Yeah. Have you seen this? You heard about this? No, it's just him not. He's like, I mean, I see commercials for it. Everybody says it's such a great movie.

It was awful. It's like, it's for kids. Yeah, man. It's not an adult. 40-year-old people 40 and up is not going to get this. Yeah, it's not for you. Not for you. But he was still upset about it.

Still upset. Hunger Games people, if you're listening, you owe my dad an apology. Did you see that Battle Royal? No, but that's the... Battle Royal! Is that how they say it? Battle Royal! That's how you have to say it too.

Like, yeah, I'd like two for a Battle Royal. Please? That's how you have to say it too. Like, yeah, I'd like two for Battle Royale. Please. Suce Battle Royale. Hey, babe, what do you want to watch on Netflix? Judge Judy or Battle Royale? Battle Royale. Royale. That's my.

Battle Danny Royale. Yeah, it's a character I do where I do all of Danny Ruyeh's jokes in Japanese in a school kid uniform in a school uniform with a sword the whole time

then I Harry Carey myself do you think you could get into prop comedy without a tire joke? You bring up a tire and in the middle is a giant A. You say, excuse my attire. And then blowjobs and cocaine rain from the ceiling.

For the sky. There's so much it breaks the roof. Breaks the roof off the motherfucker. It rips it off. And there's cocaine and blowjobs just pouring. Just pouring down. Yep. Showering us all.

And even the owner of the establishment, he's like, oh, my building's ruined, but I don't even care. There's so much cocaine and blowjobs. I've seen that in my dreams. True Detective. The legends are true. True Detective season eight. Hey, Marty, you ever hear about it? I was going to try doing Matthew McConaughey.

Yo, I told Randy, I mean, I don't know, whoever's got the McConaughey, we got to do that. Who can do it? I was talking about that with Adam yesterday. Yeah. It's like True Detective Season 2, somebody's playing McConaughey, and he's just like making can people

and describing the plot from The Wedding Planner. Goes to Girlfriend's Past. Yeah. Shit like that. Fool's Gold or whatever it is. Yeah. That's how you lose a man in 10 days, brother. Which one of you is the box guy?

Sanji? You know how to lose a guy in ten days? He's taking a long drag off a cigarette. It's ponytail. Oh my god, dude. Give me a six or a lone star, I'll tell you how to lose a man in ten days. Why don't you quit fucking around and show me the file? It is just a picture.

It is just a picture. The file is just a VHS copy. Yeah, that's what I thought. Right? Yo, that's hilarious I thought. Right? Yeah. Yo, that's hilarious, dog. You got to put that one down.

That's got to get done. Just him pushing the five. Yeah. Two disgruntled cops on the other side. I will be. I can easily play a black cop. Yeah, I think you could do that. No problem.

Do you know Toc Moffat? You know who that is? Oh, he would be great he looks like the older black detective doesn't he yeah he looks like that looks like an old version of talk it does he does look like grown-up talk so we get talk and who would be who would play the other one we're in a lot of mic problems this is gonna be an editing nightmare uh who could play the other one uh tyler richardson maybe yeah that's the first name comes to mind tyler yeah yeah or uh i mean i feel like we could

get you or tyler yeah no it'd have to those two would be perfect yeah but since it's my idea yeah i mean you gotta put yourself in it it'd be better for it but it's my idea i'm not even speaking that's the thing All I do is just Hand them A copy And look disgruntled And kind of like

Tap your finger On the desk a few times Yeah And then Yeah Well actually no You get upset Because that one guy

Was like You've been bullshitting Us all afternoon He's like You want to know About fool's gold brother Yeah Well that's just A fucking ghost He's like, you want to know about fool's gold, brother? Yeah.

Well, that's just a fucking ghost of girlfriend's past, ain't it? I think that's the one. What's another one? Because he's got like a good little chunk of them. He had a whole run there for a while. So we had How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Ghosts of Girlfriend's Past. Wedding Planner. Wedding Planner. And he did a Guy in 10 Days. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Wedding Planner. Wedding Planner.

And he did a couple with Kate Hudson. There's Fool's Gold, right? Where they're looking for gold, I'm pretty sure. Failure to Launch. Failure to Launch. Is that him? Yeah, he's in that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

God's not real, man. With religion, there's a certain failure to launch I want a writer's credit I think I just earned a writer's credit Nah you did You gotta help me finish it now Yeah I'm into it I'm into it Put it on

Yeah You know Did you see the latest one Where they were showing him pictures? Like, he shows up at every crime scene. Yeah, yeah. We could show pictures of him at, like, new shitty rom-com movie premieres. And, like, he's, like, behind the paparazzi, you know?

Like, how come you're at every premiere of every shitty rom-com, you know? Yeah. Like, is y'all going to fucking arrest me? I know my rights You wanna see You wanna see something else Get a warrant He does those

He has like The old man S whistle thing too Yeah But I can't do that Like You know what I'm talking about Kind of like the

Old family guy Character He's got that going on too But Yeah I don't know Yeah This season's really Blowing my nuts You know what I'm talking about? Kind of like the old family guy character. He's got that going on too. Yeah. I don't know. This season's really blowing my nuts out of the water.

That is certainly knocking my TV-watching dick in the dirt. I don't know how they're going to follow it up. I don't even know how it ends. I got a theory. My new theory is, okay, so the shit gets deeper than raps. Something with Marty's slutty daughter no yeah definitely see something happening with this oh you think she's gonna be a victim she could easily be a victim or nah i think a victim yeah that's the easy play right or maybe they could lean into it like dr jerry style she just she just kills herself for no reason like no like just separate

from a case like a case gets heavy yeah and you know marty and the wife are fighting and she just offs herself on some wild shit yeah yeah yeah overdose yeah some shit like that yeah she's wrong with the bad crowd yeah yeah she's getting trill yeah she's listening to three six at a young age she's getting too trill too too real. Too real, in fact, indeed. Too, too real. Too, too bennies. Yeah, so let's wrap this thing up. Let's talk some True Detective.

Okay. And I think we can wrap this thing up. All right. Bring this thing into the station. Because what time is your show? 6-30? Fruitvale. We're headed to Fruitvale.

Yeah. The show's at 6-30, right? Yes. Doing some, I believe it. Yeah. It shows at 630, right? Yes. Doing some, I believe it's a racist show you're doing tonight, right? Yeah, I'm coming all racial. All racial. Y'all know Asian people don't drive cars for real? Y'all know they just got cyborgs driving them cars,

y'all. Y'all know this. Everybody knows this. Let's quit fucking around And act like we don't Y'all know it y'all Y'all Happy Black History Month

Y'all I was saying that at Wonderland I was just yelling that The music cut off The DJ was in there It was like after midnight It was just like Happy Black History Month

I'm like oh that black guy's right. Woo! Yeah! Mm. Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. All right.

So let's talk true detective. What do you got? What do you got there? I don't have any theories. No, I have, I'm thinking that preacher fella's involved somehow. Right? Okay. Why, you know, shows and movies kind of shoot themselves in the foot,

especially like a Law & Order type thing. That's the most obvious one when they're like, guest starring Mark Hamill. You're like, oh, well, Mark Hamill's the bad guy. Yeah, because they're not going to bring Mark Hamill on for like two scenes. Yeah, no. He's definitely raping multiple women. He has that in his contract. He's also in Law and Order.

I've got to rape five women. Before the first commercial break. Okay. Okay. You hear me, Mr. Dick Wolf? Oh, yeah. Dick Wolf sounds just like Invoke. Damn.

He's hanging out. What up, Dick Wolf? Dick Wolf Blitzer. What up, man? Another dumb idea, just a side note. He's hanging out. What up, Dick Wolf? Dick Wolf Blitzer. What up, man? Another dumb idea, just side note, Judge Dred Scott. Ooh. Just play with that in your own mind.

I'm playing with it. There you go. I am the law. I am the segregation law. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. No, I don't know. I don't know.

As far as I think that guy's involved, and then I think there's definitely like, by the time this comes out, I think this season might be over, and everybody will be like, yeah, duh. We know what's going on. Yeah, how many episodes are they doing?

I heard they're only doing eight for this first season. My thing is it's so good, I wouldn't mind if it just ended after the first season. Like a mini-series. Just enjoy this. Like they did Luther. Didn't Luther, what was that? Two seasons? Luther was three.

They brought it back again. Each one is just like... A little bit worse. Yeah, it gets a little crazier. They brought it back again. Each one is just like. A little bit worse. Yeah, it gets a little crazier. Yeah. They brought it back. This one, this last one was pretty intense just because I didn't think it was ever going to come back. Right. I thought it was just done.

Uh-huh. So I was like, oh. Oh, yay. Surprises. Idris Elba, he's back. Yo, he's back With the coat on Yeah

With the coat on Or something I remember when I first heard His British accent I was really surprised Like cause his On the wire Like he has like that

Really deep Like hey man What you doing And then his British accent Is like what's all this then Hey What's all this cricket Cricket wickets

Better than Queen's English, it is. Riding a tube and all that. He's got a frothy-ass mug of stuff. Just says stuff. There's just stuff on there. A stein of stuff. It might be a beer. It might be just like a...

I feel like old-timey, like pirates, like 1800s pirates, they were drinking like... Yeah. It was like beer with like toothpaste. Yeah, yeah. What do they call that stuff? Mead. Yeah, it was like, yeah, that means it was just beer with toothpaste. Froth it up.

Yeah, so I don't know. I think there's, as far as True Detective goes, there's definitely like a full-on conspiracy kind of secret society that goes all the way to the top, man. That's what you're thinking, man? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That task force, they're a part of it. Could be. I don't know. Yeah, man.

I just want to see where it goes. I don't mean to blow your fucking mind. Because I thought it was going to be Cole after episode one. No, that's what they want you to think. Yeah, so they want you to think. That's stupid. But then they bring it back to you in this fifth one. No, that's what they want you to think. Yeah, so they want you to think, but then they bring it back to you in this fifth

one. Yeah, but that's just the cops being in on it. I think they're just pawns a part of whoever is really behind all this conspiracy stuff. Yeah, we'll see. Alright, let's wrap this thing up, huh?

You want to wrap this podcast up? Is there anything else you want to talk about as it gets darker in this room? Nothing really. I guess I got some shows coming up. When is this coming out? Maybe next week, maybe. Week or two. Two weeks.

Church night. What's church night? Church night is the second Wednesday of March. Okay. And it is at the Wonderland Ballroom. Uh-huh. And it is a comedy program. In Washington, D.C.

In Washington, D.C. Uh-huh. And it is run by Lindsey Deming. Uh-huh. And I don't know. It just gets the most ridiculous crowd. Yeah? Yeah.

And it happens monthly? Yeah, it's monthly. Is it just a the most ridiculous crowd. Yeah? Yeah. And that happens monthly? Yeah, it's monthly. Is it just a straight stand-up show? They do stand-up. They're like a church. Yeah. So it's just like a comedic church. Okay.

Like imagine if you're going to a church and the hymn was like, Jessie's Girl. Right, right, right. And they're doing bits they got bits doing some sketches some bits yeah yeah they're doing some characters yeah

it's very nice okay so you'll be there yeah it's me and Romaine and Lettuce yeah I guess. I don't know the name of us yet for the bit. Oh, okay. The bit is like we're a visiting church. Oh, I like that.

And we're going to come in and drop some hymns on them. Some hymn knowledge. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. Zombie Jesus. Yeah. Yeah, the classics. For sure.

I get it. I get it. Well, yeah. Well, let me know and I'll plug all the stuff at the beginning, too. And you're also on Twitter. I'm also on Twitter. You're at Ron Paul Forever, right? Yeah.

That's you? That's me. Dennis Kusindix. Dennis Kusindix. Kusindix. Uh-huh. Too soon, Dix. Too many.

I'm sorry. It's a non-profit comic. Non-at non-profit. Non-profit comic. There it is. There it is. For all your funny tweets and insights. Yeah, so many funny tweeters. Uh-huh. You're going to be playing a panda soon? Yeah, I'll be at a panda

at a roast of a panda. A roast of a panda. Yeah, boy. Take that, pandas. Take that. Take that, you whores. I'm glad we're ending while the energy's like really high. Yeah, I'm pumped, dude. I've been sipping

Red Bulls for this whole thing. I was doing some cocaine behind a curtain. I didn't want to show you. You had an IV of meth. You just have a slow drip of meth. It's inside of me. Well, very nice. Very nice. Thank you for coming over. Thanks for doing the podcast, man. No, no, no. Thank you,

man. You seem so sincere. Thank you. No, no, no. Thank you. No. No. Thank you, buddy. Hey, no problem. And as always, you can find me, Josh, Cotton Candy

Kaderna. That's my birth name. Please don't laugh. Don't laugh. What's that? I'm on Twitter as well. I'm at BetterRobotJosh. You can go to digressionsessions.com slash calendar for all of our upcoming dates.

Yeah, sorry Mike Moran couldn't be here, the other co-host of the show. He didn't get the full experience. Fuck that nigga. Whoa. Whoa. that's controversial yeah i guess it's a good thing he's not here i didn't know you could also see with mike moran you could also see josh kulderna selling weed in a white grand marquee yep that's what i do anywhere you see me anywhere just come on up yeah white gentleman in a uh flat brim new era hat. Sticker's still on it.

Sticker's still on it. Got it. And yeah, usually bumping something. Bumping something cheesy. Some sick, cheesy, maybe a chameleon air. Whoa. Whoa. Hey.

Riding deer tay. I do ride deer tay. Anyway, go to digression sessions dot com slash calendar for a bunch of Mike and I's improv and stand-up dates you can find us on iTunes give

us a rating we really appreciate it and find our page on Facebook and yeah if you find us on Twitter or if you donate to the podcast at digression sessions dot com

Jamel yeah donations yep that's right we got some good donations coming in. So whatever you donate, it goes towards hosting services, hopefully getting some nicer microphones and all that stuff. Or sandwiches for your boy.

We have a really, we got a tight BLT budget right now and we'd like to get some more money in the coffers there for our guests. Thank you for springing that extra change for that Chipotle mayo. Yeah. Yeah,ameleon would not have done the podcast unless i got him a blt it's true he was pissed off i made him get his own lemon water but uh or whatever that thing is you're drinking over there is this in pellegrino limonada sorry i forgot you were

fancy with the pellegrino over there yeah dude i dude, I do only bubbly waters. It's boys day every day. Boys day forever. And, okay, so there's another long outro. I think that's it. Oh, yeah, so whatever you donate, we usually get your email off of the PayPal, and then we'll send you some stickers and some free digression sessions. Oh, God.

Microphones, microphones. Microphones. Microphones. Jesus Christ. One more time, Darence. Hey, that's why we need money for microphones. Anyway, thank you guys so much for listening. Jamel, love you, buddy. I love you more.

Oh, stop. Hey, and for those listening, if you like somebody, tell somebody. Right? Very nice. Very well said. Bye, everybody. if you like somebody tell somebody right very nice very well said bye everybody