The Digression Sessions - Ep. 114 - Josh & Mike (Solo!)

Episode Date: April 15, 2014

Follow us on Twitter! @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 @DigSeshPod And come see us do live stand up and improv! DigressionSessions.com/calendar --- Hola, DigHeads! On this week’s episode, Josh and Mike let it all hang out and go guestless yet again! Your two favorite ear buds catch up on life, liberty, and the pursuit of fry holsters, on this most revealing yet absurd solo episode! Fry holsters aren’t the only thing discussed this week however, as the boys also chat it up about local-comedy life, Josh’s “very productive adult day,” and what time Day Light Saving’s Time starts. Spoiler Alert: its not midnight. Thanks for all the love Dig Heads! If you can swing it please drop our asses a few bones via the “Donate” button. Find our page on Facebook! Also, please subscribe to The Digression Sessions on Stitcher and iTunes. Thanks everyone! We love you!

Hi, long time no podcast. Hi everybody, it's Josh Koderna, one half of your favorite pair of earbuds. Before we get into this long overdue episode, just a couple of announcements up front. Mike and I will be playing in a cover band this Wednesday, April 16th at the Auto Bar in Baltimore, Maryland. We're going to be playing a bunch of songs from rock bands of the 90s, some newer stuff, but mostly like Fugazis, Pixies, Modest Mouse, that type of thing. And then Mike's band that he plays in, Echo City Summer, we'll be playing after that. This is going to be a really fun show.

It's an excuse just to have a show, but more importantly, we'll be celebrating Mike's 11 years of sobriety. So come on out and dance to a few songs. It would mean a lot to Mike for you guys to come out if you're in the area. Again, that's April 16th at the Auto Bar, and I don't think I gave the time, but it's at 7 p.m. So be there. A little bit of an early show, so get some dinner, and then come rock and roll. Throw up in the pit. Get crazy. Yeah. And then on Thursday, Thursday through Saturday, I'm very excited about this. Me, Josh Cotton Candy Coderna.

I have my first hosting gigs at a big Baltimore comedy club. That's right. I will be hosting at McGoobies April 17th through the 19th. One show on the 17th. Two shows on the 18th and the 19th at McGoobies, April 17th through the 19th. One show on the 17th, two shows on the 18th and the 19th at Magoobies. Your headliner is Nick Griffin, who's a really, really funny comedian based out of New York. He's been on David Letterman a bunch of times,

been all around, really funny guy. And then the feature will be that prickly pear and former guest Stavros Halkias. So that's going to be a really fun show, or a really fun bunch of shows. And so, yeah, check those out. Please, please come out to those. Yeah, sorry for the delay in the episodes. I was in Chicago, did some shows out there for the Chicago Improv Festival.

Got to do some stand-up. Had an awesome time out there. And then I've just been busy. Game of Thrones came back, and, you know, it just takes time. But I just want to say thank you so much to all those that are listening. We're going to try to get more regular with our episode postings. So, yeah, before we get into the episode, just the usual plugs. You can follow me on Twitter.

I'm at BetterRobotJosh. Mike is at Michael Moran 10. The podcast is at DigSeshPod. Come say hi to us on Facebook. There's a Digression Sessions Facebook page. Let's see, digressionsessions.com for past and previous episodes, as well as iTunes. There's a donate button at digressionsessions.com and digressionsessions.com slash calendar. That has all of our upcoming dates. And we would love to see you guys at some shows. We have a bunch of standup and improv shows coming up. But before we get into this episode with just Mike and I and just talking a little smack to each other, nothing, no guests. The only guest is the love between the hosts but um most importantly guys please come out to

the auto bar april 16th that's a wednesday in baltimore maryland where we well we will be walking we'll be walking so hard we will be rocking and rolling and we hope that you guys will be there thank you again for listening and uh now the ramble's over. Let's get into the episode, shall we? Let's get into it. Welcome to the Digression Sessions podcast. Hey, everybody. I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran.

And you're listening to the Degression Sessions Podcast, a Baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers. Join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians, writers, musicians, and anyone else we find creative and interesting. Yes. Who's the guest this week? No guest this week. What? No guest.

No. No, sir. Oh, that's just you and I talking a little trash about minorities. The show's changed since you've been on it. I hope you know it's a white power podcast primarily. Right. We also talk weather and sports, but we like to focus in between those subjects on white power. Yeah.

Okay. And that brings us to our first sponsor, White Power Aid. White Power Man 5000. White Power Aid. Sure you got your blues and your reds of your Power Man 5000. White Powerade. Sure you got your blues and your reds of your Powerade flavors. Oh, my God. I didn't even think about that angle. Yeah.

Like it's a different color. Like it's accidentally racist. White Powerade. I love White Powerade. Lordy. Mike Moran. Yeah. I see you got a haircut.

I did. What do you think? Looks good. Thank you. I Moran. Yeah. I see you got a haircut. I did. What do you think? Looks good. I like it. Thank you. I like it. I think this is me. That's you.

Throughout my life, I've tried to grow my hair long, and it just never feels right. Yeah? Yeah. It just doesn't. I think you're a short-haired man. You think so? Maybe, yeah. Okay.

Or I don't know. Maybe you look really good with it really long, too. Maybe. My longest was probably fifth grade, honestly. I seriously My longest was probably, like, fifth grade, honestly. I seriously, like, grew my hair the fuck out. In fifth grade, you're like, fucking, it's on. Yeah. You're like, if I'm going to be learning multiplication at this level, fuck it, man.

I was like, I'm going to be a rock star. By the time I get to middle school? That's what I thought, honestly. I thought I was going to be, like, a kid rock star. Really? Yeah, when I got a guitar. That's primarily because you played kid rock songs all the time. Right.

Kid rock star. Yeah, I got it. Thank you. Kid rock star. You know what I'm talking about? You know what I'm talking about. I remember thinking they'd probably let me drive if I was a rock star, too. What?

I remember thinking, like, if I was like a... I don't know. I just somehow in my mind, I figured that kids, celebrities were allowed to drive. Because they're freaking celebrities. Who's going to stop them? So your parents wouldn't have taken any umbrage with this? They were just like, ah... I don't know.

I never had to talk with them. That special moment never happened. Yeah, you were just taking the... Special moment where a kid asks his parents if it's okay if he drives if he becomes a celebrity. That rich moment in all of our lives, you know? You didn't have that? No, no, I was robbed. Can I take the Jeep Cherokee?

No, I'm sorry. Yeah. I'm sorry. I can tell that you're visibly tearing up, and I apologize. I'm the worst guy to tearing up. Yeah, I thought you were going to be a rock star. Yeah. I had it all planned out. The you were going to be a rock star. Yeah. We could just try.

I had it all planned out. The band was going to be called the Black Knights. Uh-huh. I drew pictures of me and my friends wearing glam metal clothes. Oh, boy. It never occurred to me that glam metal was a passing fad at all. I thought that was just how rock and roll was now. I don't think most people realize most fads are fads, you know?

Otherwise, you'd be like, I'm going to look really ridiculous in pictures in five years. Really? You think, like, most people that are into style and fashion don't, like, realize, like, wow, this is going to be forever? Well, I think music and fashion are different. I'm not saying, like, the music that you're into. Most people, like, they probably would have thought that glam metal and all that stuff would last forever you know really yeah you don't think they're like there's an expiration date on this i don't know it's a good question actually i mean they still tour and play all that shit like like those bands are still together it's not like they're right but

but it's a nostalgia thing for the most part it It's not like it's still cool. Yeah, well, for them, they think it is, and so do the people that are there. It's not like they were like, well, Rat, this is one stop on the evolutionary train that is our music. I think they were pretty set on Rockin' Around the Clock or whatever it was. Rockin' Around the Clock by Rat? Whatever their song was. Rockin' Around the Clock came out in the 50s and was one of the first rockabilly songs. But didn't they have a song that was like... Round and Round?

Yeah, there you go. Close enough. You're confusing Rat with Bill Haley and the Comets. Who cares? Weirdly, those are the two genres I was into when I was a kid. 50s, rockabilly. See, there you go. It's a perfect mashup.

Perfect mashup for you. Anyway, enough about Rat. How are you? I'm well. How's Rat doing? I guess okay. I don't know. They still play music to weird guys in their 50s probably.

Apparently every one of those hair metal bands that had black hair, there's a big solid distinction between the black hair and the blonde hair glam metal. Mike, I was joking about the racist thing. i don't know why you keep focusing on color here the band is black knights black hairs aren't good what's happening what are you doing jewish people are genetically inferior you know the old glam metal saying weak people should be killed out to make way for the strong. No, but they're all pretty much one band now. I don't know.

All the black-haired metal band guys may as well be the same band. I feel like you're making some general statements here. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's the whole point of my statement. It's pretty rude. What do you mean by that? They're so incestuous now. All the members are fucking their family members?

Wow. See, they've fallen on tough times. And you thought they're going to be this band forever. And here they are fucking their sisters. Well, that doesn't mean they're in a band together. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Yeah, so you're saying the guys from Poison and Warrant are making supergroups or something? Poison and Warrant are very clearly blonde-haired glam metal guys.

Very clearly. Mike, I'm sorry. God. I'm sorry. I never had a glam metal phase. Well, you were born in 2004. Of course you didn't. Yeah, yeah. I mean had a glam metal phase. Well, you were born in like 2004. Of course you didn't. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, things go in cycles. When the world of rock music was introduced to me, that's what rock music was. Uh-huh. So. So. I mean. What?

In the same way that I think of Ronald Reagan as the president all the time. Still. The president. Right. So you're telling me if you were born in Nazi Germany, you'd be like, well, this is all I know. Yes. Depending on who was in power by the time I was of conscious age to recognize such.

Okay. All right. Fair enough. In the same way, I still always think of Harrisonburg, Virginia as my hometown, even though I haven't lived there for 20 years. Uh-huh. Minus like a year and a half. It's where you were born and bred

no sorry bred? isn't that the same as but people say that I was born in North Carolina but you were bred twist your turn

twist and turn shout around the clock yeah that was what were we talking about the... What's that fellow's name? Petey Pablo? That's him. The poet.

Yeah. Okay. All right. Fair enough. Poet Petey Pablo. Yeah. That's his full name. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Work today? Nope. No? Off. Really? Well, we had a two-hour meeting. Oh. Yeah. You go to the meetings? Are you a manager? No. Really? Well, we had a two-hour meeting. Oh. Yeah.

You go to the meetings? Are you a manager? No. But sometimes we have, you know, like server meetings. Well, it's an everybody meeting. Everyone who works there. What's the state of the union at work? What's going on? Well, we're closing Tuesdays. I don't know. That's weird. Yeah. Most people close either

Mondays or Sundays. Sundays? Who closes Sundays? Well, besides religious people who are burning out. I'm sorry, this little mom-and-pop organization Chick-fil-A. Have you ever heard of them? Are they really closed all day Sunday? Let me ask you this. And I'm assuming that you have an understanding of theology more so than a week ago.

Of course I do. When did the Sabbath turnath turn from saturday to sunday uh that's the day god rested man but i thought god no it's saturday the jews do saturday yeah and that's why they're going to hell i don't understand no in the bible it's the the sabbath is saturday which bible the jew bible or the one that we subscribe to? Maybe it was like a decision the same way they always put Halloween or change like. What? You know how they'll change daylight savings time or something to make it more convenient.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we all vote to change the Sabbath to Sunday. Yeah, why can't we make daylight savings time the middle of the day on a Monday or something? Why can't we Just jump that hour. Yeah, I don't know. It's always got to be in the middle of the night when I'm sleeping. But it's not like it's... It's when the new day starts.

No, because it's normally like 2 in the morning, isn't it? It's not like at midnight. What do you mean, what? No, it's not. Daylight savings time starts at the beginning of the day. No, it doesn't. When it jumps ahead, it becomes 2 in the morning at 1.

But that's what I mean. So you're saying... I think a lot of the TV stations and stuff change at 2 o'clock. I know, but I'm saying past midnight is the beginning of the next day, yes? So therefore, if it's turning at one right that day has already started not at midnight is what i'm saying i don't know the exact i do i'm telling you it's never at midnight well it's definitely not two if anything it would be one why why do you say that based on what okay? Because, okay, so if it happens at 1, then it jumps back to midnight.

Yeah. On fallback days. But I'm just saying it doesn't always do that. I could swear it's 2 o'clock. Let's see. I think the late shows go on as normally scheduled and then TV changes it like 2. The late shows? I don't think God does it that way. Well,

yeah. Let's see. Here we go. Daylight savings time. 2014 in the United States began at 2 a.m. on Sunday, March 9th and ends 2 a.m.

Sunday, November 2nd. Is that your sources? Google's. Right there. Oh, well, it's on the internet. It must be true.

I remember when people would say that for a long time. And then it became like, oh, it's on Wikipedia. It must be true. And then it turned out that Wikipedia is pretty damn accurate. Yeah, pretty good.

Democracy works. They ask for money a lot, but they're doing okay. They're doing okay. Well, they are free. Well, there you go, Mike. I just handed you your ass, all right? 2 a.m. Boom.

Let's move on to something else. Something that I'm right about. See, that's what I'm saying. 2 a.m. Now look up why the Sabbath moved to Sunday. Why Black Sabbath. Again, it's a racist thing with you. Moved to Saturday.

Why the Sabbath? Let's see. First thing to pop up, why the Sabbath is important. There we go. Why the Sabbath is Sunday. Yeah, why is it important? Who gives a shit? I mean, like like what's the

Christianity.about.com Slash OD Slash what does Bible say Slash F Did they pay you to say that Slash Sunday worship Brought to you by White Power Aid Let's see here.

In Bible times, Jewish custom was and is still today to observe the Sabbath on a Saturday. Yeah, let's see. How many references in books do we have? God, this is really long. It would be better to get that boring day out of the way, you know. Which one? The Sabbath day. The day that we're not allowed to do anything. Christian groups that adhere to a

Sunday Sabbath feel the Lord's command was not specifically for the seventh day, but rather one day out of the seven week days. So you could you're just allowed to choose your own Sabbath? I guess. So you could make like Tuesday or Sabbath? Let's see. By changing the Sabbath to Sunday, what many refer to as the Lord's Day or the day the Lord resurrected,

they feel it symbolically represents the acceptance of Christ as Messiah and his broadening blessing and redemption from the Jews. Oh, my God. So he resurrected on Sunday. Let's see. I think. That's when he had his big resurrection show. Yeah, yeah, okay. So, yeah, he was resurrected on a Sunday.

Like, hey, let's take a break. This guy came back to life. Let's watch football. Doesn't sound like Jesus was resting on that day. No. He comes back and he's just sitting around. Oh my God, it's Jesus. Why are you just sitting there?

It's Sunday. I came back to life for this. For this. In the time that we've been podcasting, I saw that Book of Mormons. You saw it just now in the time that we've been podcasting today? Since we've podcasted together. It was amazing. Very funny.

But they make fun of, they have Jesus in the play. I heard the musical just for a second. And he's like, I didn't know this, but Mormons believe in that three days from where Jesus died and was resurrected, he went to America. And then, it was just really funny. It was just an American it was just in America and Jesus shows up and he's like hey guys it's me, Jesus there was a big

confusion when western Europeans discovered America and made it something other than a shithole no I'm just kidding we took it back from those savages that lived off the land. No, but I think people were like, wait a minute, why didn't the Bible

say anything about this? This doesn't make any sense if Christianity was supposed to... Wait a minute, that book of bullshit doesn't say anything. So I think they were searching for ways to justify America's existence. But I mean, they didn't say anything about that in the New Testament.

No, of course not. That Book of Mormons. The Book of Mormon was written like 20 years ago. The New Testament was written like 2,000 years ago. Hey, I don't know, man. The Book of Mormon came out in the late 90s. Did it? No.

Like 1800s sometime. Yeah, yeah. No, I thought you meant like it was like a New Testament or something. Apparently, there was a thing with Mitt Romney where people thought that he was a part of some Mormon prophecy. He was like the white horse or something like that. I'm not surprised. Yeah. Yeah.

Was he? Yep. Turned out to be he was a horse in an elaborate costume. Part of the reason he lost, Mike. I'm surprised you don't remember this. Do you vote, Mike? Yeah, I do. But I think I might quit.

Quit voting? Maybe. Until I understand politics more. Does anybody really understand politics? I know democracy is good. That's all I really know. Yeah. I mean, for the most part.

It does breed some bullshit. What about a benevolent dictator? You know, somebody that always works well. Somebody that you can trust to get stuff done. Right. Yeah. No one ever takes that too far. Yeah.

There's not. You show me in the history books where one dictator took it over the line. I don't know, like, a manager who doesn't take it too far. Like, their power corrupts like so easily yeah like that's why it's so important to have elections and like uh you know four-year terms yeah that is fun humans are just like we get a tiny little dose of power and just take it to like the nth degree that is funny though yeah you're working alongside somebody then the next day they get bumped up a little bit and And they're like, Mike, I notice you're fooling around a little bit. You and I used to talk all the time.

Like the power of the gods. Time to lean, time to clean. Mike, get these Jews out of here. Like, oh, my God. He's taking this managerial job. We need to take over Arby's. We're going to expand. If we don't, they will destroy us.

They're the reason we're broke and lost World War I. Arby's, I tell you. Yeah, in college, I took a history of film class. We were looking at films from the Great Depression in America, Russia, and I think Italy, I think. But in America, there was this movie that did it was really popular I forget the name of it but it was basically about um this guy who becomes president off of like special interests and stuff and it takes place in the 30s when uh the great dictator no I don't I don't think that's what it's called. But he's just kind of like partying and not really paying attention to his job. King Ralph.

King Ralph. Yeah, the John Goodman film. Yeah. I loved that one as well. But he's partying too much, and then he's driving drunk, and he almost – or he wrecks, and he almost dies, and an angel shows up and tells him what he's supposed to do. And then he just becomes this dictator almost but people love him because he starts getting stuff done like i think he basically like gets rid of congress somehow and he's like look at him cutting through all the red tape that's what we need

and it's not with charlie chaplin no no it's not a comedy okay um and no it's a serious serious movie and then there's like a serious angel? Yeah, you know, like an angel. What does a serious angel look like? He's got a furrowed brow, beautiful wings, a to-do list, no nonsense attitude. We're talking about angels. I don't know what else they would be. So then Angel comes to him and is like, hey, you've got a job to do. And he's like, okay, I'll do it.

Right. And then at the end of the movie, he invites some, I think it's somebody from Russia over, like some, what are those, ambassadors. And he has them out on a boat, and then he shows them all of U.S. military might. And he's like, yeah, you're not going to want to fuck with us. And they're like, whoa, what a great president. And it did so well in the 30s because stuff wasn't getting done you know because of the great depression like yeah maybe we do need a dictator and then we got one fdr right what a

shithead what a shit he wasn't even president for four terms yeah yeah how is that possible i don't i think he was like fuck this i think before before World War II, people were seriously questioning democracy. Well, I don't. Yeah. Yeah. Because, I mean, capitalism failed everybody. Why wouldn't you? Where you had no, there was no recourse or any net to work with.

It was just like, you just went to the bank and they're like, nah, it's all gone. Which freaks me out today, too. Because, you know, like a lot of our money, like I have one bank account that I opened online, and I could just go to it one day and just be like, nah, you have zero. You know? Right. I've never physically. Yeah, but it's, I mean, it's pretty unlikely.

I mean, even if you look at the Great Depression, as bad as it was, it wasn't like a lot of people didn't starve to death or anything like that. What are you talking about? I mean, it was pretty bad, but it wasn't like. It was horrible. It was like a decade a decade of like complete ruin for most people it was pretty bad but not like but not like war-torn fucking like i mean it was still poverty like everywhere it was insane it was a depression but i'm saying if it was like 200 years before it would have been much much worse it would have been people like decapitating leaders in the streets and shit like that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I'm saying 100 years after the Great... Well, almost 100. It wouldn't really be that bad. It was still pretty goddamn bad. Pretty bad. Oh, I saw something on Vice the other day. Do you know we have the most amount of slaves in the world right now than we ever have currently um i've heard that before in fact i remember writing it in a paper but i kind of question that why uh

i think that well number one there's no country in the world where slavery is legal but people look the other way yeah there's certainly corrupt countries, corrupt governments. I don't think it's technically slavery. What it is is really poor people have to work somewhere, and then they have to take out a loan. And basically, since they're so poor, they just take advantage of them. They're like, oh, you haven't paid us back yet, and now you got this new thing. Yeah.

But you got to remember, like, the natural state of humankind is to, like, is, like, far more brutal than we think of it today. Oh. I mean, people just, like, you know. Yeah. Like, tribal societies, which is, you know, 99.9% of our history was, like, you know, something like 50% of babies wouldn't even make it past the first year. You know, lots of people starved and life was brutal.

So, like, if you look at it like, you know, we're getting better than we're always going. We have it way better than a lot of people in the world. Oh, yeah. I would say that. But, yeah, I was watching it on Vogue. But as a whole, the whole world is getting better um yeah i mean yes and no i mean these people like they technically have somewhere to sleep and stuff to eat but it's not the best stuff it's not the best i mean it's not even like what you would what we would consider decent yeah

conditions are decent food yes but on vice they did a thing about this brick company in India. Basically, they do what I was just saying. So some people, like, they're looking for work. There's so many people in India. It's like a billion people. And this company is like, yeah, you can work for us, and we'll give you a little bit of money. And then they're just stuck there forever. And their jobs for everybody, like an entire family is to make a thousand bricks a day

jesus christ seven days a week i mean the caste system really is kind of a form of slavery if you think about it's government imposed poverty basically but uh that's loosening up somewhat i think it's better than it was 20 years ago yeah no i'm just saying it's just just so insane it's just like your job is to make a thousand bricks. And that's it. And then to try to get a little bit more money, they're like, what if we get our kids to make some bricks? And then they're stuck. Well, you know, it's like it's not to like, you know, put down what they have to go through.

But it is like, you know, children not working is a relatively new idea. Yeah, but, I mean, you would agree that it's better to not have your kids making bricks all day. Yeah, of course. Right. But then, if you look at the other side, like, once a people becomes wealthy and abundant, we're less happy, too. These people aren't happy that I'm talking about. Well, it's like there's kind of a level of very impoverished, war-torn people, refugees and things like that, aren't happy. And neither are really wealthy people like us, generally, which is why we have so much depression and suicide and misery.

It's kind of in between where you find the happiest people. Yeah. Yeah, but I think we have something to strive for. I mean, I would generally say I'm not a sad person. No, you're pretty sad. Hey, I was crying when you came over, but it's just because I saw this piece on bricklayers. Our physical problems are mostly solved as best they can be,

which gives us the chance to find happiness. Sure, sure. Well, and not having to worry about making a thousand bricks seven days a week for the rest of your life. I mean, it's like no opportunity to move up or anything. But it's getting better. Good topics to talk about on a comedy podcast. Good topics. Yeah, it is depressing.

But I think, like, you know, I do think the world is getting better. Poverty and war are declining despite what the news tells you. And as far as, like, any guilt for being in an economically secure place, I send my check every month. You know, I send money.

To what, your landlord? Yeah. To Girls Gone Wild for the monthly newsletter. Look, you want to point... I mean, I send money to what, your landlord? Yeah, to Girls Gone Wild for the monthly newsletter. Look, you want to point fingers? I send money overseas. It's a pretty small percentage of my paycheck, but I do it. I spend some time every month attempting to help people in some capacity over here. Yeah, you want to point fingers at me?

I send a check. No, it's not so much that. It's just to relieve my own guilt about being in a privileged position. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Ain't nothing wrong with that. I mean, hey, it's more than I said. You know what charity I'm worried about? That Josh Koderna gets a bigger penis fund. We're all concerned.

That is where I sit my money. Yeah, I know. I had to set up an account in the Cayman Islands. These rich government bureaucrats getting taxes off of my dick money. And I won't stand for it. I won't stand for it. So, Mike, you're doing well. We have no guests here.

I was before you reminded me of how miserable the world can be. Hey, hey, I was just saying hello. It's a deep, dark place. Yeah, my team leader, or my ex-team leader the other day, she came by and she was talking to me and she was like, oh, you're in a good mood? And I was just joking around, making like typical cubicle talk. I was like, well, I mean, the sun's shining.

I got my coffee. I'm blah, blah. She was like, well, I mean, the sun's shining. I got my coffee. I'm blah, blah. She was like, well, it's not going to be shining much longer. You know, it's supposed to rain later. I was like, what's wrong with you? Who are you? Like, yeah, you're happy now, but you know we're all going to die someday. You know that?

All right. I'll see you later. She's like, hey, why are you trying to? Humans are obsessed with doom. Have you noticed that? Yeah. Well, I think we're the only ones that really know about our own demise. You know, like, I don't think a cheetah is like, someday I'll die.

Yeah, but not with death, though, with doom. Like, maybe you didn't hear me. The video game? No, like, we're always assuming that the carpet's going to be pulled out from under us at any given time. That's the thing. I don't think other animals have that cognitive connections. Well, yeah, I guess technically we're the only animals that are obsessed with anything psychologically. Yeah, everybody else is just like... We're irrationally doomful, I think. Everybody else is just like, am I fucking or am I eating?

And then there's what animals think right uh yeah i don't know i i think that's i think you have to kind of train your brain a little bit too because you rhyme yeah you gotta train your brain i wrote a song all about it here we go okay that's great thanks man um no i i you know just certain certain ways that your body can just get used to things like your internal monologue and you just gotta kind of cut it off versus train like you do have to train your brain to how it thinks about things doesn't mean like oh i can't have a bad ever, but just kind of harping on stuff and letting stuff take root in your brain, you know? And that's why I drink White Powerade. Clean it up.

Get my electrolytes, my positive electrolytes. Cleanse the whole system. Get the dark thoughts out. The gross dark thoughts. Get them gone. Purify. Yeah. Yep.

Oh, yeah. So, Mike, you've been doing good. You've been performing a lot. Yes. Yes. Laying a little low this week because somehow I'm up six performances on my five performance minimum. There you go. And Chuckle Storm is tomorrow.

Yeah. I'm excited about that. So even if I don't do any others, I'll still be two up next week. Nice. Nice. But, yeah. Okay. okay okay and works good you're not gonna be open on tuesdays correct it's a weird day weird day yeah you keep saying that it's weird i don't get it i don't get it um how are you doing josh i'm doing okay doing okay i got a bunch of errands done today a bunch of weird grown-up stuff you know had a very productive day today.

I did. I was like, I'm going to get some laundry done. I'm going to vacuum. Exposed brick? I didn't find any exposed brick today, but Lord was I trying. Did you rescue any dogs? I did. I put together a reclaimed wood table. You know what that is, right? No.

That's a new thing. You rescued a wood table? Yeah. It was in peril. I just what that is, right? No. That's a new thing. You rescued a wood table? Yeah. It was in peril. I just pull it out of a dumpster. Like, you're mine. I rescued you. I rescued this thing.

I rescued you. I rescued a bag of stale donuts behind Royal Farms. Like, oh, wait a minute. You're a hobo. Now I'm a hero. Other H word. I'm a hobo hero. There's a headline today on Patch

which is not the onion that said... Ah, crap. What was it? It was something about a monkey. What about the onion patch? God damn it. I forget. It was something really funny. Something about a monkey. But it was intentional? They didn't mean to be funny? Monkey angered or something.

Local monkey angered. Yeah, something like that. Non-banana status. Rising costs of bananas. When reached for comment, the monkey said, Monkeys are fucking terrifying. Yeah, they're evil, man. It seems like in the early 20th century,

if you look back at a lot of horror stories, there's always evil ape stories. That's probably just a very thinly veiled metaphor if you look back at a lot of horror stories, there's always evil ape stories. That's probably just a very thinly veiled metaphor for immigrants. I do think it did have something to do with Darwin. Sure. Sure. There's always a murderous ape.

You don't see that a lot these days, do you? Yeah, well, Grape Ape turned that around. Grape Ape? You remember Grape Ape? No. He was a Hanna-Barbera character. He was a giant grape, purple ape, and he would just say grape ape. That's all he would say?

Sounds awesome. I don't understand how that didn't thrive. I know, right? How did he say grape ape? He would just go grape ape. And that's all he did? Pretty sure. I'm pretty sure that's all he said.

Wow. Man.'s all he did? Pretty sure. I'm pretty sure that's all he said. Wow. Man. Good stuff, huh? How does he not have his own movie series? Well, they're going to be making those pretty soon. Tyler Perry presents. Actually, that was oddly racist. Great baby.

Oh, boy. We're going to get hate mail for that one. Hey, I'll take any mail. Yeah, on Innocent Looking Bookstore podcast, they were like, man, we get some hate mail. You guys have to put up with this? I was like, I would just like any mail. We get nice tweets and stuff like that. It doesn't have to be like digression sessions.

Someone would just write me every now and then. I'll take your bills, anything. Just send it our way. Shit, what were we talking about? Oh, yeah, what I did today. Called my insurance, and because I have a crack in my windshield, you know, you drive next to

one of these construction trucks, and a rock flies off. They're like building something on the truck. It's really dangerous. They drive around so they don't have to pay the property taxes until they put it in. They construct a house. This guy is just barely hanging on. Yeah, it's pretty dangerous.

Hammering nails. In India, they still have children doing it. I know! They have to build a thousand houses a day on these tracks. And it's... The cracks only got worse because we were having this weird apocalyptic weather where it's The cracks only got worse Because we were having this weird apocalyptic weather Where it's Springtime but snowing currently So we're going from like hot to

You got a pretty bland idea of the apocalypse But go ahead I mean it's the worst I swear If we get another cold day Apocalypse now I'm looking for the four horsemen every morning You expect at the end of Apocalypse Now To just be like changing weather patterns

And there we were It's really cold out there I was tracking Kurtz And it started to snow No but so it's been going from pretty warm to cold Which is increasing the size of the crack You know because the window's expanding And not expanding

Condensing I think is the word I'm looking for. I don't even know. Contracting. That's what I'm talking about. It's gone into contractions. And the crack's like about a foot big. Did his water break? Not yet. Still got the mucus plug up there.

So I called the insurance and I told them, they're like, oh yeah, we can have somebody fix it. It's actually pretty cool. They can just show up to my work and seal it up or replace the windshield or something really but i gave her my policy number and all that stuff and uh this is the first time i've ever had to call to do something like that and then she's like okay so what's gonna happen is um i couldn't find you in the system so if we don't find you in the system in the time that it gets fixed you might have to pay for it out of pocket and then um yeah it's like and then do i get reimbursed she's like well let me check with my manager like what's up yeah it's like what's happening and then put me on hold is

this weird porn music why is all like porn music it was was like it wasn't like the sounds like porn sounds. I fall asleep to that every night. You might have

put on some porn noise. Ugh! Ugh! Fucking horse. I cannot sleep without

this. Call me daddy. I can't sleep a wink without that. and she's like so i asked my manager and just um we just couldn't find you in the system so it's like so you were just gonna let it go like she's like well i might have put in a number wrong your policy number is like well let's go over it like it's such a weird thing like i could have just hung up and be like oh okay and

then i'd have to pay out of pocket to get a new windshield. I was like, don't I have insurance? And isn't this why we have computers? What do you mean you couldn't find me in the system? Did you send an owl with a miner's helmet into your cave of files? It's really weird. And then it turned out that I just gave her too many numbers because wherever it was listed, she's like, oh, I didn't need those last four. Yeah, here you are.

You're in the system. You can just pay for it now, blah i was like what a weird thing like how can you just be like yeah we just couldn't find you so yeah so uh just i'm gonna hang up on you now so uh click yeah like she just has like a pile of papers Like I don't see Josh in here Just puts him in a shredder Or you're like down in the Rolodex Yeah exactly I don't know

Judging by my abacus you'll owe us 90,000 shillings Or whatever So yeah did that Made some doctor's appointments Did some laundry What doctor's appointments? I made an eye appointment.

I hope it was for you. I'd like to make an eye, a me appointment. With the optometrist. Call a psychologist an eye doctor. The new eye doctor from Apple. The eye doctor. I do feel like it's a horrible problem. It probably won't be long before our phones

cure us of diseases and stuff. Maybe. What do you think? We're just going to have a cancer app? Yeah. Just slide it. Cross the eyes. Give me cancer app.

It'll be like a loading bar. 100% cancer free. Like, fuck, why is it still buffering? I need to get to work and I still have cancer. What's happening? I need to give blood and I still have HIV. Sorry, do you have Wi-Fi? My phone is not.

We have Wi-Fi. I'm dying. Is there a hot spot? Please. Is there a hot spot? Because I'm being eaten alive by parasitic worms. I need the internet for that. The inside out.

Yeah, and I made an eye exam. Psychologist. Going to go see this old broad again one more time. Yeah. I haven't seen her since October. Yeah. And how has your life changed since then? It's actually been great.

What are you going to talk to her about? Things are going really well. I think I may... Me? Is this about me? Mike is driving me crazy. You have to see a shrink just to deal with me.

Let's keep this podcast afloat. It is a nightmare. A living nightmare. She hands me the tissues. You're stronger than this. tissues Give me a box of tissues Thank you She's like

You know how many men I've met Who have been tormented by Mike Moran You can overcome it just like they did They call me it There's a whole pamphlet on Mike Moran So you're suffering from Mike Moran So you've decided to continue Hanging out with Mike Moran. So you've decided to continue hanging out with Mike Moran.

Against doctor's orders. What to do if he's having a fit of anger? Or horrible depression? Does Mike have the blues? Here's what to do. If he's coming down off of caffeine. Did he work all day? Is the paper moon going to be closed on Tuesdays?

He's decided to grow his hair out again. Growing hair. He's not getting laid. Growing hair, a growing problem. A Mike Moran story. He's resentful of your success. No, things have been great since I haven't seen it. But I was like, I don't know.

I mean, it's like 20 bucks. Yeah. I think talking to someone in general. Honestly, mean, it's like $20. Yeah. I think talking to someone in general. Honestly, I think our solo episodes helped me. Yeah. This is my therapy. Yeah, you need them. You're my Dr. Ruth. Alright. What do you got? What do you got for me? What's going on?

The lambs will not stop screaming. Uh-huh. That's pretty much it. That's all the time we have, Mike. Thanks for coming by. Oh, yeah. Hey, I know you got that lamb problem, but. It's all good. Thank you.

There you go. I'm going to write you a prescription for a thousand cc's of. It's all good. I think I might be suffering from Bieber fever as well. Oh, really? I hear that's been going around. Yeah. Don't, don't, don't touch me.

Don't. Mm-mm. I just got over beaver fever. Okay. Yeah. So, I'm feeling good about it.

Feeling good. I was down for a minute. You've overcome beaver. Is there like a ribbon for beaver fever survivors? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It's shaped like a penis.

Really? Yeah. There's a problem with the ribbon factory. It would be pretty funny if a prominent politician had a perfectly pressed suit and then a penis. I don't know. A penis lapel? Yeah.

But it had an American flag. Yeah. It was just super conservative. Yeah. Hey, dig heads. Get on it. We got any lapel makers? I want one.

But for me, how have things been? Things have been good. Doing good. Doing shows. Working. Went to New York this past weekend. That was a lot of fun. How was that?

That was good. Did improv up there. And then our set was kind of, it was okay. We started out a little like meh. But we ended on a decent note which was cool. That's all that matters. When you go out of town for a festival you want to drop the mic and be like that's how Baltimore do. But we went on at

like 3.30 in the afternoon and you know. Why were you using microphones for improv? Well you want to just like brought one in a duffel bag. No, your space work is so good that they know that you're... Oh, you're dropping an improv mic. Yeah, they can hear it.

Now, are you holding the improv mic the entire time you're performing? Just so I'm, like, pointing to it, like, remember this. This is improv. Here it comes. Here it comes. And, yeah, no, it was all right. It was all right. Yeah, had a good time in New York.

Did you do anything else? Well, I went and saw some friends, and then I saw Omar Shocket and his girlfriend up there. Cool. Stayed with Mike and walked around Brooklyn and got pretty fucking drunk. Did you? Well, it's a good place to do it. You can walk around. Yeah, it was fun.

Ride the subway all night Yeah, yeah Actually we just walked around Brooklyn Which was cool And then the next day We went to a hardware store That had a parrot And a foster pig

Foster pig Like you know They didn't adopt the pig You know they have foster dogs No You don't know about that? Like dogs that live with you for a while uh-huh no i didn't know that yeah so it's a it's this thing where um like a aspca or something like

like a shelter they'll have so many dogs that they can't house them there or like dogs are starting to get weird because they haven't been around people that long so right people will take the dogs in for like six weeks or something like that. Apparently, because it's Brooklyn, they have that with pigs, too. Right. Because some people are like, I'm ready to take on a pig, and then they weren't ready, and they had to give up this little guy. But how is there like a pig problem in Brooklyn?

There's like pigs running around? Like feral pigs? They run most of Williamsburg. It's a mess. It's a mess um i think uh i don't know i guess they probably just go through like a normal shelter but maybe it's like why would there be pigs at a shelter um because some people are getting them as pets it's a trendy thing yeah and i our former uh guest russell had a pig. He had a pig. I want a pig. I'd love to have a pig. It wasn't cute.

It was kind of a nice little pet. Yeah, yeah. But they require so much attention all the time. Really? They have, like, the brains of toddlers. They're way different than dogs that way. But I think dogs, if they had the brains of human toddlers, that would be extremely impressive. Who, pigs?

Yeah. They literally have them. That's what they eat. No, but that's what they say extremely impressive. Who, pigs? Yeah. They literally have them. That's what they eat. They eat. No, but that's what they say their intelligence level is, pigs. They're the fourth smartest. So they can talk

a little bit here and there? A little bit. A couple words. Mama, dada, juice. And they have tons of energy. Yeah, they're the fourth smartest species on the planet. Really?

Pigs, yeah. What's number three? Dolphins? Josh Cadernas. Yeah, they're the fourth smartest species on the planet. Really? Pigs, yeah. What's number three? Dolphins? Josh Kedarnas. No, I don't know. Asian people. Jews. I guess it's humans.

Dolphins. Chimps. Chimps. Pigs. Pigs are really number four? Yeah. Let's see here. Pigs.

Fourth smartest. What about apes? Oh, well, let's see. Do chimps count four? Yeah. Let's see here. Pigs, fourth smartest. What about apes? Oh, well, let's see. Do chimps count as apes? Let's see. Let's see what NBC News has to say. This just in. Pigs, fourth smartest animal.

Yeah. We interrupt this spot. We interrupt this baseball game. Oh, come on. Just give me a goddamn list. That would be really funny if a news station decided to interrupt something really important with, like, a really mundane news story. Like something about a missing airplane. Hey.

All right. Here we go. Number 10, octopus. Number 9. Number 9. I don't believe this. This list has to be bummed. Dude, octopuses are fucking creepy.

Octopi? Octopi. Like, they can, like, sneak out of a fish tank. Yeah. Like, if they're not perfectly sealed, like, they have to be, like, specially sealed. They'll, like, come out. Flip it open with their tentacles. Really?

Yeah. I've heard that they can, like, fit through a crack. Like, everything's so fluid. I've heard that they can fit through a crack. They get everything so fluid in them. I believe that. And they'll be on your floor staring at you when you come home. But that's, yeah. Octopuses are so creepy. With those human eyes.

The octopi eyes are really creepy. Also, too, that a lot of them, I don't know if all of them can, but the ones that do camouflage are the ones that can camouflage themselves to the seafloor. So we could be surrounded by Occupy right now. We could be occupied by Octopi. Yeah. This whole room could be full Occupy. But that's why we pray.

To make the Octopi go away. Really? Yeah. That's the one reason. I guess I'm not up on my theology. I've been praying for end of war. Lots of two octopi real quick. Just those little suction cup things. Can't we just kill species like that?

We have the capability. And how they eat things, too. I'm guessing their mouth is under that big sack, and they're just putting stuff up there. Also, they use tools tools which is weird which is a real sign of intelligence really yeah they'll be working on your car they're like they'll take your brakes out they're on those construction trucks you seen those they're non-union too they're real dickheads um number nine uh i have some skepticism about this pigeons what they're reptilian they're yeah they're real dickheads. Number nine. I have some skepticism about this.

Pigeons. What? They're reptilian. Yeah, they're fucking dumb. I guess there's different criteria besides, you know. But you would think it would be all mammals who have the extra layer of brain. Let's see. It says that they're really smart because they can remember themselves.

They can recognize. You can do that easy. Mike Moran exists. I can do that any time. I can do that in my sleep. I can be wasted. You wake me up in the middle of the night. I'll tell you.

I get a lobotomy. I bet I can still do that. I'm a pigeon. No, wait. Sorry. I'm Mike Moran. Hi, I'm a pigeon. Wait. Nope'm like right hi i'm a pigeon wait nope wait a minute time out can remember hundreds of different images and photos learn routes to their home from long distances oh i guess because there's carrier pigeons yeah i guess intelligence is kind of

relative well this is saying number eight is pigs. According to the most 10.com. Barely even pigeons. I know, right? Another interesting result for me is pig. It is said that they have emotion, sensitivity, hurt feelings, and easily bored. They're very sociable to humans, and they are trainable. Some say they are more trainable than dogs. In laboratories, that is.

Pigs play video games better than primates. Pigs can also dream and recognize their own names. Wow. Okay. This has rats at number five. Sheep, number four. Dolphins, number three. Elephants.

That's a sleeper animal, number two. Number one. Gorillas and chimpanzees. These parentheses, number three. Elephants, that's a sleeper animal, number two. Number one, gorillas and chimpanzees, parentheses, black, no, primates. Oh, yeah. Is that including humans as primates? I don't know. It's just animals. I guess we're animals. I guess we are.

Either that or divine creatures created by God. I mean, yeah, either or. Six in one, half a dozen. I never we are. Either that or divine creatures created by God. I mean, yeah, either or. Six in one, half a dozen in the other. I never researched that. I think it's one of the two. I don't have time. I'm a busy man. Busy, busy man. No, we're fucking part of the great ape family.

Isn't that crazy? The grape ape family? Yes. The grape ape family. Yep. We're related to grape ape. I believe it. He's a handsome man. He got it. He's a handsome man.

He got around. He's a giant purple ape. You want some of that in your gene pool, right? No. Oh, sorry. My bad. But this pig, his name is Frazier in Brooklyn. Frazier in Brooklyn?

Frazier in Brooklyn. No, it's just funny. I just always remember, I guess there still are some parts but just thinking about like Brooklyn like Notorious B.I.G. back in the day like we're Brooklyn at we're Brooke you know like very like yeah you don't fuck around in Brooklyn right I'm in this hardware store and they're like this is our adopted pig and we're hoping he finds a home remember uh the New York of the 80s is not the new york of today what haven't you seen every 80s movie it was covered in graffiti steam everywhere

there's always steam yeah always wet streets too yeah yeah it's wet in alleys even though there's no alleys in manhattan, exactly. People getting murdered on the subway. Trash everywhere. Ninja turtles living in sewers. Get those ninja turtles out of our sewers. This will be my number one. That's what Rudy Giuliani said. We will get these mutants out of our sewers.

We will do it today. Did you ever see the SNL skit where it was about them i was uh rudy giuliani was the host and you know he like is credited for cleaning up new york and getting rid of graffiti um they did a little digital short where he was he's like if you want a graffiti fine that's fine but we're just gonna do this and it was like somebody's tag like their name was like i don't know like like star knife or whatever. And they just had a stencil that said Eats It. So they just spray painted that below it. It's like, yeah, you're going to feel pretty silly when you see that on the side of the train.

I feel like it could be something even more humiliating like Loves Ponies or something like that. Don't try to rewrite a sketch that's already in the can. Hey, what are you, Jim Meyer? What are you, Jim Meyer? That's his column in the City Paper. In the City Paper. You still working on your children's short stories? Yeah, but I've taken a hiatus because I might work

with the guy who does Junior Skeptic to write something about the Pied Piper of Hamelin. So I sent him a few sample paragraphs. Junior Skeptic. It's the does Junior Skeptic to write something about the Pied Piper of Hamelin. So I sent him a few sample paragraphs. Junior Skeptic. Yeah, it's the magazine within Skeptic. Oh. Children's magazine. I don't believe it exists.

Well, then maybe it doesn't. Maybe I... Deepak Chopra tells me that if I don't believe it, it's not real. Yeah. Yeah. Which is why... I don't believe it it's not real yeah yeah which is why i don't know which is why i don't know anything i don't believe why i'm pretty sure santa claus exists i don't believe i have a brain

i don't man but um man trying to try to avoid this this cold that's going around yeah you know i'm trying to stay healthy yeah do you look like you're either tired or sick right now? Or hungover? I might be both. I haven't showered yet today. Like I said, I've been doing a lot of... You had a very productive day today. I had a productive day.

Did a lot of stuff. Going to get my window fixed. See an optometrist in the future. Got the sheets clean. Got some laundry to put away, though. window fixed. See an optometrist in the future. Right. Got the sheets clean. Yeah. Got some laundry to put away though. You know. And yeah.

Rescue the table. Yeah. Rescue the table out of a dumpster. Been doing shows. It was a lot of fun. Did Leesburg, Virginia. Yeah.

And talked to a woman about Longaberger baskets. That was fun. Oh yeah. You told me about that. Yeah. Because it was just a bunch of drunk people

in the crowd. Right. For the most, yeah. You told me about that. Yeah, because it was just a bunch of drunk people in the crowd for the most part. And I forget what I said. I said something about Baltimore and you guys like Baltimore? And they were like, boo. Really?

And I was like, boo. Boo with a southern accent. Yeah. Boo. I was like, all right, Leesburg, Virginia. You guys are acting pretty high and

mighty they never shot an hbo show about your town it wasn't like what would the wire be here like hey man let's get the re-up on some more wranglers or something actually hbo shoots in virginia pretty frequently but they never made a jesus they never made a show about their town. I don't know. I don't know where Deadwood was shot or where Deadwood takes place, but I assume it was in Leesburg. Sundown Towns. Band of Brothers shot in Leesburg. Isn't there a show called Sundown Towns that's about racist towns?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. That's by James Lowen. But then I said something about... Oh, because Nick Oldershaw was talking about their... He was so excited about a Roy Rogers that they had there.

Like, oh, fuck, let's go to Roy Rogers. And, like, really excited. I remember when Harrisonburg had a Roy Rogers. Yeah? And then it turned into a Hardee's. Yeah. Yeah, we had that on

Kent Island growing up. Hardee's, Roy, we had that on Ken Island growing up. Hardee's, Roy Rogers. Roy Rogers disappeared and got taken over by Hardee's. But then it came back. It was the weirdest thing. He's back, baby. Was that the campaign? I don't think so.

No, I think it seriously was something like that. Roy's back. Roy Rogers returns. The return. So in conclusion, I don't think I've ever eaten at a Roy Rogers. I have. Well, I said something about the Roy Rogers. And then so you guys are acting pretty high and mighty about your Roy Rogers.

And then this woman goes, we have to. All right. You win this round. She was very excited. And then her friend had longer burger baskets. I forget how it came up. I'm making fun of Leesburg. But Mike Stork will drive his motorcycle to Westminster, Maryland,

which is like 45 minutes from here, just for Roy Rogers. Really? Yeah. People fucking love Roy Rogers. Really? Don't they have like a holster of fries? Yeah, I think that's their thing. It's either them or Arby's.

No, it clips to your belt? Probably. What? It probably has like slit so you can put it on your belt. No. I'm pretty sure the side of fries you get is a holster of fries. No. It's either them or Arby's.

What about about the cops that have the holsters on their ribs? Like around your ankle. He opens up his jacket to reveal he has two holsters of

fries. I put them backwards like in Young Guns. Yeah, exactly. Pull them out sideways. You can tell you have fries just

because you have huge grease circles on your coat. It seems like something Chief Wiggum would do or something. Accidentally has his holster of fries to go. I rewatched Pulp Fiction recently, and I thought about The Simpsons, how they did a little parody of it on The Simpsons. It was the weird episode where Was it the 22 short films one

It was like 130 Like Springfield stories At once or something Yeah Where they like jumped around It's a really dark one To pick from Pulp Fiction The one where they're

Sodomizing guys In the basement And there's a gimp And leopards Yeah Whoa They even have Yeah they had Wiggum And Snake With the The ball gag And it's a gimp and leopards. Whoa. They even have, yeah, they had Wiggum and Snake with the ball gag in it.

So it's like, Jesus, it's pretty fucking dark. And like, Nolal's dad is just awkwardly standing there. You know, this place used to be a pet shop when I was a kid. Yep. Yeah, they even repeat lines, too. It looks like a spider caught a couple flies. Really creepy. Really creepy.

Mike, you seen any good movies lately? No, I've been pretty busy. I want to see the new 300, I have to admit. Really? I have a guilty pleasure for the old one. Maybe I should go tonight, actually. Oh, man. At the Rotunda.

I've got a lot to do, though. Hey, well, you know. You earned it. I've been watching some Netflix stuff. Uh-huh. Nothing stands out? No. Can't think of anything, really.

Do I really look sick? No, you seem tired. I am tired. Actually, I called out of work today because I felt awful. Really? Yeah, and then I started to feel a little bit better. I don't know if this makes me better.

I don't know if this is mature or immature, but I was like, well, now that I'm out of work, I can get so much stuff done. It was just like, well, that's better than me being like, I'll just lie around in my underwear. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I guess. What about you? Have you seen any good movies, John? I haven't seen anything lately that's knocking my dick in the dirt.

Trying to think, trying to think, trying to think. I've really been liking this show called Rick and Morty. Movies, I don't think I've seen anything new. Rewatched Wolf of Wall Street, which I liked. Which I liked. But Rick and Morty is really great. One of the creators of Community co-created Rick and Morty. And it's like, I don't know, it's sort of like Futurama, but a little bit darker.

And, yeah, it's really funny. I got hooked from the first episode where the premise is that it's like a normal family and they live with their grandpa who's like this crazy scientist and he brings along his grandson on these crazy missions and they're going from dimension to dimension and the grandpa's like this drunk surly genius guy and they're gonna go back they want to go back to their dimension or their time. But his, like, dimension gun or whatever he uses to travel with is dead. He's like, oh, God.

Now we have to go through dimensions customs. And it's really a pain in the ass and all this stuff. Right. And when they show up, stuff goes down. They're being chased by customs agents in these dimensions. But they look like crazy, like kind of ants, kind of. But they have guns and they're chasing them. And the grandpa gives Rick a gun. And he's like, you got to shoot them, Morty.

You got to shoot them. And he's like, I don't want to hurt anybody. He's like, they're just robots. They don't have any feelings. So he fires at them. And he hits one of them in the knee and his leg goes off. And just blood goes everywhere. And another one of the customs agents, he goes,

Jesus Christ, they shot Dave. Oh, he's bleeding out. Call his wife and kids. And the little kid that shot him is like, oh, man. I was hooked. Hooked since then. Awesome. Classic stuff.

Good stuff. What's the difference between Wolf of Wall Street and American Hustle? Can you help me with that? Sure, sure. Wolf of Wall Street is a Leonardo DiCaprio. Joint. Yep. And it's directed by Martin Scorsese.

And it's all about this guy. Whoa, you're telling me Leonardo DiCaprio is in a Martin Scorsese movie. I know. What's next? A Robert De Niro movie with Martin Scorsese? I know. It's a different time. This is Obama's America.

I don't know what to tell you. And it's all about this guy who exploited Wall Street and a bunch of people and stole a bunch of money, basically. Well, I don't know if you... I mean, kind of stole, but... Did he steal or did he just con? There's a lot of cons and then insider trading and then illegal stuff that he did. And American Hustle, I have not seen it. I don't really know what that's about.

I'm pretty sure it's the same movie. No. Released under a different name. I don't think so. Different. I don't have time to process several movies that are kind of the same. I don't think they're that similar, though. In my mind, they are.

I know. Your attention span for current American pop culture, not high. Not high. Is that your final answer? That show's still on. Nah. Yeah, still on. I remember when it got canceled.

Maybe like the daytime version or something. Yeah, but it's still that show. It's still on. Well. Yeah, still on. I remember when it got canceled. Maybe like the daytime version or something. Yeah, but it's still that show. It's still on. Well, that doesn't surprise me. I mean, freaking The Love Connection is probably still on. Okay, we're having a lot of fun, but I won't suffer another bad word about my favorite daytime talk show. Carswell's Cards or whatever is probably still on. What?

Wasn't there like some weird, this might have been before your time, but like there was some weird like. It sounded like you were having a stroke. It was the guy from the Love Connection that had like a game show during the day called like Cards Waltz Cards or something. It was like a card game. Sounds like just like some lazy executives like, I don't know, we could have a Cards. You know, there's just like a random like TV shows that you're vaguely familiar with that you've never really watched. Yeah.

What about studs? No. They parodied it on The Simpsons once. I probably didn't know what they were talking It was like an early 90s like Fox dating

show that came out at like 10 p.m. or something. That's what we should have called our podcast. Studs. Yeah. And I think the song

was like studs. Oh, and That's the shortest theme song ever. It like, Studs. That's the shortest theme song ever. It's like, Studs. Yeah, I think it was like, Studs. Studs. And who was the other guy that O.J. Simpson didn't kill? Ron Goldman.

He was on it once. I'm pretty sure he did kill Ron Goldman. Didn't he? Not officially. I mean, he was tried for that case. The other person he didn't kill. Besides Nicole Brown.

Who was that other person? You're that guy that other person? Holy shit. Aren't you that guy that didn't kill those people? Hey, man. Aren't you the one that tried to leave the state and the country and you drove away from the cops for a long time because you were innocent? Wow. Yeah, well, that guy was on studs before he died.

Okay. Wow, weird. What was the plan with studs? What was that about? I would really have to. I'm just now thinking of studs for the first time in like 20 years. No wonder you didn't have room for current stuff. I do remember there would be two.

It was their studs and stud ads the ladies were the stud ads and i think generally i think it would be like two guys and three girls and it was just like a dating like they went on dates and like came back and reported and like yeah they just make up that word too they can't just be like and then the pretty ladies there's like stud like we have got to go with this studs theme All the way Hey what's this wall full of drywall And studs Alright And I remember they had to like

Velcro duds Like answers to their pants or like shirts Or something You know how they'll have the wall full of like Velcro Responses or answers like Was he a wet fish A big tuna or a catch of the day or something like that you know the lady's like i don't know what any of that is catching the day

good i don't know was he farm raised sockeye when it comes yeah yeah like stuff like that you know like stupid puns yeah and they was he a bowl of black bean soup or a tomato soup? Was he hot and spicy? Are we talking barbecue or snot nose? I don't know what you're talking about. What do they got like really offensive like?

Was he a house negro, a field slave, or died in the Middle Passage? That's easy, Chuck. Died in the Middle Passage. He died of dysentery. Literally, we ate at Arby's. He got 16 fry holsters.

How does that work with the holsters? It's just a paper. It's like a cardboard fry holder, but shaped like a holster. And are you attaching it to things? I don't think so, but now I'm starting to consider maybe you can.

Look it up. I don't ever want to have sex ever again. I'm just going to attach this here. I don't know. want to have sex ever again. I'm just going to attach this here. I'm done with it. I don't know. Maybe kids, like, I don't know. I'm done with vaginas forever. Let me just attach this here.

Fry holster. A lot of Googling. I trust that most people will get that I'm doing this ironically. I mean, I can't imagine it would cost that much to make two slits in it. Making something, like, attachable to a belt much to make two slits in it. Making something like attachable to a belt is pretty easy if you think about it.

Oh, God. It looks like it is a Roy Rogers thing. Well, that doesn't give us a view of that. Yeah, I mean, there's holes in the back for clipping it on to stuff.

Wow, I guess it is. This guy has it on his belt. Not pictured, the woman he's fucking. Why? Okay. Okay, yeah. Wow.

Why are we all doing this? Can we order our own holsters and go to local places? You have to put your waist up to the counter for a refill? We should call Golden West or something and be like, is it okay if I bring my own fry holster? What's the policy on personal fry holsters?

We're sorry. What a weird thing. Look, we all know good things go in holsters. Guns, fries. I mean, that's it. But what more do you need? Interesting.

Interesting. Interesting. Okay. Okay. I stand corrected. Yeah. There's the fry holster. There you are.

There I am. Got a little egg on my face. All right. Fair enough. I'm trying to think. Is there anything else I want to chat about? Did that open mic the other night, which was fun. There was that kid, what's his name, Joey Mann, at the Zissamos open mic.

Zissamos. Where there were seven people there and six of them were there. Was I there? Oh, yeah, I was there. Yeah, I was kind of having a freak out that day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I kind of forgot that there. Was I there? Oh, yeah, I was there. Yeah, I was kind of having a freak out that day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I kind of forgot that that day happened. What?

No, that's why I left earlier. I was like, I got to be away from people. Well, you went to the right mic. That's why I stayed as long as I did. Yeah. No, I just thought it was really cool. Apparently this guy's been going to that mic for like three weeks in a row.

His friends come every time. Yeah, they're fun. I actually did some pretty successful crowd work with them, which is uncommon for me. You're good. You got it going on, man. I don't feel bad about myself. I mean, other people do, but I think I'm great.

I think I'm great. The girl I'm using thinks so. Look, the girl that I'm abusing... We'll tell you. I don't want to talk about her. The girl that I'm manipulating psychologically. Currently. And holding emotionally hostage.

But the girl I'm stalking got me bumped back to 50 feet. Or 50 yards. Bumped down to 50 feet. That's what I'm talking about. But yeah, while he was up there,

he's like, I'm kind of blanking. Is it okay if I look at my phone? Like, yeah man, it's an open mic. Also,

there's like, yeah, I remember those days. Five people here. Of like freaking out over open mics like all day long. Oh, God, I don't know if I have everything memorized. Maybe I shouldn't do this. Maybe I should cancel it.

People are going to talk. They're going to know. And now I'm just like, all right, I should probably do something. You've been up there for 35 minutes. No, I'll do something. Let's see what I put in my fry holster. That's where you have your notes. That would be pretty funny.

Just reveal. In westerns, how people would pull the duster back to show their piece. Draw. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. That'd be funny if you had a holster full of fries and just didn't acknowledge it. Ever. But you just ate them casually. No, you just...

Mid-conversation. No, I mean on stage. Oh. Yeah, that's a good way to get sponsored by Roy Rogers. Sure. Couldn't hurt. Could not hurt. All right, Mike. I think we can wrap this one up. Yeah. I feel good about it. Sure. Couldn't hurt. Could not hurt. All right, Mike.

I think we can wrap this one up. Yeah. I feel good about it. I do feel really tired. I told you. You got me. You got me again. You son of a bitch.

Yeah. We got shows coming up, everybody. Let's see. So go to digressionsessions.com slash calendar. We got all our dates listed there. Right? There's a donate

button at digressionsessions.com. Feel free to hit that. We'll send out whatever you want. Because if you don't donate, we don't eat.

That's right. That's right. That's right. Yeah. You guys want us to starve? Yeah. It was good, starve? It was good man That was good

Let's see Also follow us on Twitter I'm at BetterRobotJosh Mike Moran I think you have to touch your chest every time I do Because I feel Like I'm going to get confused

I don't want Mike to think he's BetterRobotJosh No I just want to touch my heart Because that's where my tweets come from You know It's like I'm not doing this just because I'm sitting in a cubicle most times. I'm doing it because I care. Does the heart dictate the tweet or does the tweet

dictate the heart? I wish I knew. But I don't understand. I mean, sometimes they feed each other. It's great. Baby bird synergy. Baby bird synergy is what I like. And Mike, are you on Twitter? I don't know.

Well, I think you is. I am, in fact. Michael Moran 10. That's right. That's right. Let me see here. Let me see. And I think that's it.

Thank you, everybody, for listening. Sorry that I'm sleepy. I feel like this is a lazy ending here. It's all right. Usually I'm the low energy one. It feels good.. Usually I'm the low energy one. Feels good. No, I'm the low energy one. I see you suffer.

Mike, you want to rap? Yeah, sure. Okay. Give me a topic. Let's see. Redistricting. Moving them lines. Redistricting. Moving them lines. Redistricting pines.

Put them in another place. Let them see somebody else's face. Move the property. For you and me. Let it be. I don't think so Ooh, I've got to go Move in

Where does it end? Where does it begin? You were my neighbor Now you're just my friend Because you don't live Next to each other anymore Well, yeah, you're technically No longer my neighbor

But just my friend Oh, gotcha, gotcha Because you're a different longer my neighbor, but just my friend. Oh, gotcha, gotcha, because you're a different voting neighbor. Voting districts. Do me a favor. City boundaries. How does that sound,

G? I'm glad you found me. I like that. Because with all that redist like that It's hard to navigate So don't you effing hate Now I am irate Yeah Boom It's like that

Perfect well done Hey Mike Do you like somebody tell somebody there it is bye everybody if you like tell somebody