The Digression Sessions - Ep. 117 - Valance Michael & Ronald James!

Episode Date: May 12, 2014

Follow us on Twitter! @BetterRobotJosh - Josh Kuderna @MichaelMoran10 - Mike Moran @DigSeshPod - Pod Stuff Guests: @ValanceMichael - Valance Michael @RonIsUnthawed - Ronald James *** Hola DigHeads! On this week’s episode, Josh sits down with a couple of damn funny fellas named Valance Michael and Ronald James! They’re two Baltimore based stand ups as well and it was a blast talking to these guys. And they just happen to be cousins! (Shut up, you racists!) They host the soon to be podcast “Too Legit To Quit” together and Ronlad hosts the film podcast, “Movie Schmoive.” Josh, Valance, and Ryan discuss black people hating dogs, marijuana, hipster heavens, comic books, slowly going the way of the yuppie (having dogs, salmon steaks, corn in husk cooking methods, etc), inspirational quotes from rich people, Ronald and Josh basically being the same person, weed socks, and more! Thanks for all the love Dig Heads! If you can swing it please drop our asses a few bones via the “Donate” button on the website. Also please subscribe to Digression Sessions on Stitcher and iTunes. Thanks everyone! We love you!  

Welcome to the Digression Sessions podcast. Hey everybody, I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to the Digression Sessions podcast, a Baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians writers musicians and anyone else we find creative and interesting yes

who's the guest this week valence michael and ronald james are the guests on this week's program two very funny stand-ups based out of the baltimore scene here you can follow these this week. Valance Michael and Ronald James are the guests on this week's program. Two very funny stand-ups based out of the Baltimore scene here. You can follow these guys on Twitter. Valance is

at Valance Michael, spelled just like it is here in the episode title there. And Ronald James is at RonIsUnthawed. And that's just a cool way to say is cool, right? You like that, kids?

Slang. Hey now. Hi, everybody. I'm Josh Kandurna. And yeah, welcome to this week's episode with Valance and Ronald, two very funny guys. And I met them through doing stand-up here in the Baltimore area. And Valance, I wanted to get him on the show, and I wanted to get Ronald on the show,

and then I was booking, and I was like, well, I see they're friends. Maybe they want to do it together, and they're like, well, we're actually cousins, and I was like, what? Wait, you're brothers, but you're cousins? Yeah, and said that, but you're cousins? Yeah. And said that, and then they just kind of stared at me for a while, and I apologized, and then we worked it out.

They came over on a lovely Sunday, looked past my racism, and we had ourselves quite the talk. It was a lot of fun, actually. They're two really cool guys, and that's one of the cool parts about doing the podcast is getting to know other cool people that do comedy and are into the arts. And speaking of, Ronald also hosts a podcast of his own with a couple of his friends called Movie Schmovie where they review movies. So, yeah, check that out. Follow him on Twitter and they'll keep you up to date with all kinds of shows they've done. They'll tell you about the shows they've done. No, they'll tell you about the shows that are coming up.

Maybe I should rerecord this, but you know what? I'm powering through here. And, yeah, so follow those guys. Go see them live. They're awesome. Listen to Ron's podcast. As for us, the Degression Sessions, me here here josh cotton candy kaderna um you can follow me on twitter i'm at better robot josh also on instagram under the same name so get at me dogs

uh michael moran is at michael moran 10 who is uh absent from this episode but uh we do have an episode uh me and mike coming up actually Actually, me and Mike got into it a little bit. We had our first lovers quarrel, and we worked it out on the podcast, so we'll be releasing that soon. Everything's good in Dig Sesh HQ, but yeah, I'm glad that we worked it out. And yeah, so what else? What else as I ramble before we get to this awesome episode with Valance and Ronald? Oh, speaking of live shows that I mentioned like an hour ago, we have live shows coming up, Mike and I. This Friday, May 16th, I'll be at the Avalon Theater in Easton, Maryland.

I'll be hosting for the great Mike Fonazzo. And it's going to be a lot of fun because I grew up not too far from this area. So got friends and family coming. If anybody else listens in that area, please come out to Easton. If you'll be in the Baltimore area, we have our mashup show that is happening this Friday, May 16th. That's where we have three stand-ups and three improv troupes. And the improv troupes are paired up with a stand-up stand-up will go up do about 10 to 12 minutes and then uh a troop will use their their set as input for their set and uh provide for hilarious results uh no the show is really really fun and we have some great

stand-ups coming through we got justin hancock, Luke Winnike, and Luke Marshall. And so please check that out. And then three troops from the Baltimore Improv Group, including Mike Moran's troop. And he may be hosting that too. And as always, you can go to digressionsessions.com slash calendar for all of our upcoming shows. digressionsessions.com has all of our past and future episodes.

And yeah, check us out on iTunes if you're listening on Stitcher. We really appreciate it. Hit us up. Let us know how you listen. And if you want to donate, any amount you want to donate at digressionsessions.com, we'll send you some free stickers. Thank you guys so much for listening. We really appreciate it. You guys are the goddamn best.

And thank you. Now let's get into it with these fellas. These two funny fellas. These two funny fellas. And we love you. This is a special podcast. The best mics. Radio quality. You guys hear yourselves? Yeah. Can I?

I can't hear myself. No? No. No? Maybe. Now I can. A little bit? One ear?

This ear. Oh, yeah. Huh? Huh? You guys hear that? All right. All right. All right. We're podcasting, guys.

This is it. This is it. Ronald James, Valance Michael, two black guys. How the hell are you? I'm pretty good, man. Awesome. I'm pretty good. Hey, get closer to that mic, sir.

Really closer? Yeah. Get up on it. Yeah. Get up on that thing. Hey, come on. You feel better? Yeah.

I think he's trying to test your skills at S&D. Put your mouth around it. Yep. This whole podcast is a ruse. I just want to see how well you guys fillate. That's all. The only thing is, who else's mouth has barely touched this microphone? Oh, yeah.

There's pictures on the wall of past guests. Some of the people. The nastiest people. Umar and Mike Stork. Yep. Tommy Sambazo, his filthy mouth. All right. So you guys got some comic books in hand?

I have some comic books. So I was looking for the end of Superior Spider-Man. I'm following that right now. But they didn't have it. So I got Kick-Ass 3 issues one and two just because I'd been reading it a couple years ago. Uh-huh uh but they didn't have it so i got kick-ass three issues one and two just because i i've been reading it a couple years ago uh-huh okay i read comics a little bit a little bit i i did back in the day not not as much anymore yeah yeah i'm a some i don't know and that's ronald by the way everybody yeah for those and i just brought some socks with uh cheetah chong on them

because you know. And you have an Adventure Time t-shirt on. Do you smoke pot, Balance? I'm going to wager to say that you might. Quite a bit, sir. What? Quite a bit. Quite a bit.

I am a, yeah. You do. That answers that. I don't. No? I don't do any drugs. Nothing? I don't drink. I don't do it? I don't do any drugs. Nothing? I don't drink.

I don't do it. Weed is not a drug. Weed is not a drug. It's a natural supplement. That's true. It's a performance-enhancing supplement. Especially for comic books, I'm sure. Yeah, man.

Why not? Yeah, I got hired and read a comic book. I got hired and read Death of the Dynasty, the Joker shit. And it was Death of a Family. I Joker shit. It was Death of a Family. I'm sorry. Yeah, Death of a Family. Batman series. I was into it. I've never been that drawn in

while reading something. You know what I mean? Because reading is hard. That's marijuana's slogan. Because reading is hard marijuana because reading is hard exactly exactly i'm glad that you uh powered through that i did man i was like it was like when i like stopped when i like stopped reading i was like oh yeah the world still exists that's not real yeah it was like i opened my eyes back

up to like reality there's no spider-man it's a spider-man this reality i don't know what to do next in your life joker really had his face sewn on and he was killing people with hammers yes it was amazing man amazing tale hey the jokers those are the good ones though yeah as far as the batman series yeah. It was amazing. Okay, okay. So, Ronald, you don't partake. Do you drink? No, I don't drink either.

Really? I gave it up. I'm 30. I gave it up when I was 21. Uh-huh. That's the perfect time. It is, man. I'm drinking illegally.

Now I can do it legally. Let me hang up my spurs. If you live in a shitty neighborhood in Baltimore, you can acquire alcohol and drugs at a very young age. So I started drinking. I'm going to write this down. What? Shittier neighborhoods? What?

Because they don't care about anybody in the neighborhood. They don't. I was drinking. I could go to a liquor store at 13. Our corner stores were the liquor stores. Yeah. Wow. Because I sounded like this at 13.

Seriously. My voice changed at 13 overnight. Yeah. And i sounded like this at 13 seriously my voice changed at 13 overnight yeah and it was like this and i realized that i could just if i seem confident enough in the face i could get anything i'd be like yeah can i have a hennessy uh a bottle of hennessy please you're not even mixing it up with other stuff you're like uh you know a magazine periodical or two please i love how your dog knows that it's like podcast time. Yeah, yeah. She's just like...

That's respectful, man. Yeah, yeah. She's like super chilling. This isn't her first rodeo. Plus, she knows I will beat the shit out of her. I thought your dog was a... I don't know how else to say this. I thought it was a nigger hatin'.

Yeah, like I said, she's trained well. You know what I'm talking about? Like, some people are very like... Yeah. Dogs are very, like... Dogs take after their owners. They're like, bigger, bigger, bigger, bigger, bigger. Very racist dogs.

That would be so awkward at the dog park. I think she's saying bigger. Very awkward. That's a bigger dog. Anyway, we're going to get out of here. Thank you. Bigger. Like, oh, okay. It's Flipper, the big hating dolphin. Anyway, we're going to get out of here. Thank you. Negro. Like, oh, okay.

It's Flipper, the nigga-hating dolphin. No, she just gets very excited. And her move, too, I don't know if you noticed, she will bark and back up. She's like, I'm tough, but I'm a little scared. I like that. I like that more. That's a pretty. No, she loves people in general, except kids on skateboards.

Those drive her nuts. Those drive her nuts, and I don't know why. She likes helmets. She wants to put helmets on. I let her do her thing when that comes around. Take control of that situation. How do you like living in this neighborhood? It's like...

Hamden? Hamden, Baltimore. Uh-huh. Also hipster heaven. Yeah, a little bit. Hipster heaven. There's a mix of grizzled natives. Like the real natives.

Right. Like their stoop was built around them, you know? Yeah. Like we used to live next to these people, this woman. She was always on her stoop. And her business was your business, basically. Like she didn't work. One day she knocked on our door.

She's like, hey, you got maggots in your trash can. I'm like, why are you looking at my trash can? First, I mean, that is gross, but it was weird. But no, I like Camden for that mix. There is like a good kind of artistic community. White, right? Am I right? Oh, yeah.

No, I like Camden for that aspect but there's a good mix a good mix of stuff going on where did you guys go to atomic books yeah yeah i'm a big fan of atomic books yeah it's a good spot what's the broken arrow the consignment store oh i thought you were talking about The hit John Travolta film And then View Skate shop Oh yeah yeah yeah So a little bunch of shit Yeah I like a bunch of shit around here There's a 7-Eleven You guys heard of those?

We went on a tour As if we don't fucking live here Yeah You guys did show up With like your Like touristy bags And stuff We went to Common Ground

They have coffee You guys seen this stuff? Have you heard of this? What? baltimore really is like like five different states yeah one yeah so you need to walk around just be like there's a whole new world yeah i i really don't leave hampton too much unless like to do shows or anything but fed hill never going there canton not really going there too much yeah i think it's kind of crazy that you do stand up at a lot of the places that i've been to and we've never met i know we crossed paths the one time fucking weird and you had google glass on google glass

did a whole set yeah that was weird it was fucking weird you kind of look like a futuristic robot guy and uh it was great i like to believe that I look like Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man. A little bit. Minus. Ronald does have bleached hair. I thought you looked like... I thought you looked a lot like Ray Charles

from the movie Ray. But not just any Ray Charles. The picture they show at the end of him in the first band, he's just like, with the glasses on. It was like a black and white picture. Have you ever looked at old pictures of Ray Charles? He often looks confused.

He did. Yeah, he can't see anything. He doesn't know what the fuck's going on. He looked a little autistic. Artistic? Artistic and autistic. He was a little bit white. Is that what you're saying? A little bit. A little autistic. Artistic? Artistic and autistic. He was a little bit white. Is that what you're saying?

A little bit. A little bit. Yeah, man. That's. It was interesting. Yeah. Yeah. Did you see that?

Like the footage? The footage is still being like edited or whatever. Oh, okay. And that was a while ago. I don't. This guy's like. Yeah. Slow as fuck.

That is funny too Yeah I'll get you that video man Six months or so Yeah exactly He's like you gotta record your special You gotta record your set You know how many videos I'm waiting to get back Oh yeah

That's crazy People are so quick to be like Let me do this for you And then you're like okay cool and then like you never hear from me again yeah yeah it yeah seriously it's like you didn't have to volunteer it's cool i want to see how google glass picked up that older white lady what's her name what was her name um i want to say barbara she wasn't ugly no she was she was okay she was i feel like Gina

Her name was Gina Because I called her Her guy Martin That's really crazy That's ironic as fuck Because I sang the song at the end Did you? That was like a part of the set

Oh that's right Yeah It's fucking weird And I had No That was like That's a joke I tell Uh huh

That's so weird man See that's just the comedy gods You know Just working together Just lining us up You know Somebody Somebody in the crowd Was probably like Man they They fucking tell uh-huh that's so weird man see that's just the comedy gods you know yeah just working together lining us up you know some somebody somebody in the crowd is probably like man they they fucking work this out they're a team yeah this is jesus great minds alike man i think so i think and now look at us talking comic books in my office look at us man look at us we're doing good

sipping out of a Santa Claus cup. It's not Christmas time. We're crazy. It's only 80 degrees outside. Yeah, whatever. Whatever. Christmas is July. I enjoyed that you gave me a big enough cup that I can really enjoy this water.

Oh, dude, you got to get into that. No bitch cup. I have people give me sippy cups. What? Yeah, well, it would be weird if I was like, here's a sippy cup. Sippy cup. Ronald, don't make a mess. Do not make a mess with that water. Now, you see this gold, whatever you call it.

Balance, you're doing a lot of visual shit. I'm going to tell you that right now for an audio podcast. You're like Ray Charles when he was looking like, and nobody could see people listening. Because next time, if anybody's listening, they fucking go back and watch the Ray Charlesles movie they're gonna see that and they're gonna laugh their ass off that's my humor something that you could take with you later on in life yes but uh that looks like the perfect thing to stash weed in yeah you don't smoke no no i i rarely smoke pot that's where like old women keep buttons and young people keep yeah yeah yeah, yeah. Yeah, there is going to be some crossover at some point, though. There's going to be weed and buttons in there.

Getting old. Very, very boomy temple. Yeah. Yeah, speaking of getting old, me and my friends, we got together last night. Some friends that I grew up with and I hadn't seen in a while, but we all have dogs. We're like, we should get all our dogs together. It was such like a white, kind of y yuppie thing and it was the best we had to be like have fun grilled salmon steaks like look at our dogs salmon steaks are the best they're

fucking good right right on the grill oh and then we cook some corn on the cob in the husk you guys do that shit it's incredible yeah balance thoughts no Balance? Thoughts? No, I haven't. Very good. Get the fuck out there, Val. We're talking corn and husk. I don't know what you're doing here. Yeah, man. Completely lost on that. Good as shit, man.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All right. Well. I haven't come to my neighborhood yet. You can do that. I don't think it's like on a truck. You can do it.

That didn't come by my house. It's like the people that got freed in the South. You're like, did you know that we were free? No, I didn't know. That didn't make it here yet. Does it look like I know? I've been a slave for three more months than you. Fuck you.

The wave of freedom has not hit my co-sign. All right. Well, how long have you guys been doing stand-up because i guess ron you've probably been doing it for a bit right i was a year and like three months very recent nice yeah i'm about the same yeah i i love it yes it's interesting i mean i've been really into like lately just crowd work i mean crowd work ends because I realize like people say that it's like a crutch or whatever, but it really takes a skill. It is definitely a skill. And then when you see people do terribly at it, you realize that it might not be the worst thing to develop the skill set. No, no, no. Talk to people.

Yeah. You got to have those muscles, right? Yeah. You're not using them. You can show off now and again. It's a joke kegels. Yeah. That's right. That was going to be the name of this podcast.

It's weird that you say that. Welcome back to Joke Kegels. Some tense moments. And then we release. It gets better every week. Then we squirt. That's how we end every podcast. How about you, Balance?

Two and a half. Into the microphone. Two and a half years. Are we interrupting your phone time? There's like a life happening, man. What's happening? Apparently, Russell Simmons just tweeted something. To you?

No, it just goes right to my phone anyway. What the fuck are you checking up for? Do you have alerts from Russell? I do. He's just like, FYI, my life's better than yours. He tweets very often. I've been following him because I... Because you're gay?

I don't mean that. Ronald just zinged you. He's awesome. I don't know why I said that. Just anything. You're a fucking jerk. I listened to his audio book, the last one. Was that good?

It was really good. That's the meditation one? I started meditating So he puts out all these inspirational messages Yeah he's one of those guys Rich people only feel like that Rich people give out inspirational shit It's only after you've achieved A certain level of money

Well yeah Nobody wants to hear A homeless person talk about how great life is. Yeah. Like, man, yeah. And you'd be like, shut up, man. You have nothing. I'm not listening to you about anything.

Your hygiene is in question. I can't listen to you. Cut off all the fingers of your clothes. That's the secret. That's the secret. Now you're comfortable. Thanks, Joe. I don't know how you have Twitter, but thanks, man.

Tweet from the library. So, yeah, I've been doing stand-up for two and a half years. Okay. Long story short. Long story short, I started back a couple years ago. Okay. And long story short, I really enjoyed myself. Oh, good.

And long story short, I started hosting at places. Long story short, congratulations on you hosting at Magoobies. Thank you, man. Yeah, thank you. Magoobies. Magoobies.

Yeah, it was awesome. That's a good space, man. Oh, it was so cool. Yeah, for those listening, Magoobies is just outside of Baltimore. It's like a legit comedy club, and they have big headliners come through and great hosts all the time.

All the time. You hosted recently. I'm part of the club. Yeah, you're in that. Ronald? Ronald? No. I like to host.

Get out. Get out. I feel so inadequate, man. Yeah, well, you should anyway. Let's talk hosting. What's your favorite part? Oh, my God. Who was the headliner when you were hosting?

Ryan Stout. Oh, he's funny as shit. He's a great dude, man. Yeah. He told me a lot of shit. Took all my information down. Really? Yeah, he's a cool guy, man.

Nice. My headliner, he was 47, divorced, and he's on the road 40 weeks a year. Wow. And he wasn't like cold, but just at first he wasn't very talkative. But as the weekend progressed, he was never a dick or anything. But he gave the quickest answer all weekend when I was like, man, 40 weeks. Do you like that? And he was like, no, I hate it. Cool.

What do you say to that? Nice. Okay. Okay, cool. All right cool all right all right that's cool my man okay all right okay what's that somebody's calling me i gotta walk away okay all right terrible yeah 40 weeks a year wow that doesn't sound fun yeah i mean but he killed he's amazing on stage um nick griffin super funny guy but yeah like after the second show on saturday he got a ride to the bus stop and went back to new york and like the 1 a.m bus it's like man you really want to get back and he's like yeah yeah i do right on oh wow get the fuck out of timothy pretty much pretty much wow but yeah hosting was a lot of fun i was nervous as shit the first night there's comment cards and um stuff you ever look at things is that not the most confusing part like

yeah when somebody's like go host uh do your jokes and then bring this person up yeah when there's like other stuff that you have to do, like make sure you announce this and bring up this, it throws you the fuck off. Yeah, because you can't worry about just being funny. You're like, oh shit, this is a job. This is a job now. It's scary as fuck. Yeah, and it's weird too when you're like, you'll get ten free passes to an upcoming show. And people are like, uh-huh.

You're like, no, that's good. We're having fun. We're giving away stuff, that's good. We're having fun. We're giving away stuff. Yes. Yes. You use those secret words like free and giveaway. Yeah.

They like free. Whatever it is. Yeah, free. They're all bored with that. Bitches love free stuff. Bitches be loving it free. Bitches be loving their free shit.

Yeah, and then having to be like kind of clean or like PG-13 up front and then like Stav was the feature and stav stav uh stavros halkia super funny but like as soon as he gets up there he's like i'm fucking and pussy and they're like yeah meanwhile i'm like hey watch your fannies and they're like all right that's how they treated me every show that i'm on that he's on he makes

fun of me oh really, really? Without fail. And I kind of love it. Yeah. He secretly hates you. I think so. Every time I watch him. It sounds like he openly hates you. He makes fun of me a lot. And I love it.

I cannot help but love that. Yeah. Stav's a big ball buster. How was his 20-minute set? Shit. He's a hack. He's a piece of shit. Fuck that guy.

Right, Ronald? Right. Fuck that guy. No, Stav. Fuck that little Stav. He's funny, man. Stop. Killed, man.

Killed. Super funny. That's where I'm trying to get to next. There's always steps. Yep. You know what I mean? Uh-huh. I've hosted once, and I'm already looking beyond that.

Yeah. That's good, man. But I brag. I have my Little Richard story. Little Richard, you might not know this, Josh. Why? Because Little Richard has this thing where he's might not know this, Josh, but Little Richard has this thing

where he's like, I created this. I'm the best. I'm the best at it. You're talking about young Richard Nixon? Yeah, yeah. Exactly.

But I go around bragging being like, I'm part of a very small club that has actually hosted Mugubi's and the Comedy Factory, man. Oh.

It's a very small club, man. Yeah. Very small.ubi's and the Comedy Factory, man. This is a very small club, man. I have not done the Comedy Factory. Sounds scary. Because they have their set and host. Oh, yeah, Alabama. So whenever he takes a break, that's when it's like, hey. I had an opportunity to host, or maybe do a guest spot,

I don't really know what it was, the night D.C. Kerry was there. and I couldn't fucking go because I had to fucking work. Growing my balls, man. What's the day job? I work at a warehouse for Philips Seafood. Oh, okay.

So if any of you guys eat crab meat out there, that's from Philips. Alan's got the hookup. Yeah. Some great jokes were told around that crab meat. I'm sure. I'm sure. I blessed your crab meat.

You know how Jewish people have the rabbi come in and bless them? For your kosher? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I make my food. That is how it works. You put up air quotes. Kosher. It's totally different food now that I fucking talked over.

Their religious beliefs, quote unquote. But that's what I do for Phillips if they're crab meat. Gotcha. You bless it. I bless it with black bean. Funny. You know what? I have a thing called blessing.

Okay, so I go to, I'm a lonely person. So I go to bed and breakfasts every couple months. By yourself? By myself. Why? I finally just started dating somebody, so I went recently with somebody. But yeah, like Jerry Seinfeld. Is it Jerry Seinfeld?

I don't know. Some comedian has a joke about people that run bed and breakfasts. They're like, one day they were just like, man, not enough strangers are fucking in my house. I need several. Yeah, house. I need several. Yeah, exactly. I need several. Bring them on. Okay, so you're going to some B&Bs.

Yeah. You've got comic books in tow. Yeah. So last time I read Hunger Games when I was there. But I have this thing where I bless things. It's when you dip your balls on anything that's like ball level. Just bless it. That's called blessing.

I'm pretty sure that's what rabbis do, too. They just dip their balls. Bring that matzo over level. That's just blessed. That's called blessing. I'm pretty sure that's what rabbis do too. They just dip their balls. Bring that matzo over here. Dip, boop. A little dip. Do you do that? You're rubbing your balls on B&Bs? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm blessed. Okay. Oh, blessing. Sorry. When I say it like that, it sounds like you're being rude. It sounds like I'm just being a fucking asshole. Yeah.

You got to put that tag on it. Right. I'm ignoring the holy aspect of it. Yeah, exactly. It's the wrong as we're determined. Guys, I'm sorry. Okay? I am sorry.

Ronald, what's the day job for you? I work IT. Oh, yeah? IT. Okay. At Under Armour. Oh, really? Yeah.

Corporate headquarters. Nice. It's fucking crazy is it yeah it's a crazy job you're getting you're getting free shit you're getting all the coolest mesh underwears huh yeah yeah getting cleats and whatnot somewhat uh-huh somewhat uh-huh man i can honestly say that i have never worked at a place with more beautiful people in one place oh really it's kind of crazy what is like Armour listing right now or something? I don't know, man. You're a corporate chill, Ronald.

I feel like one right now. Can I just say that this fucker over here, Ronald, is my cousin. And we grew up together, right? Somehow, I think he was raped with a horseshoe. Can you say it in the mic? I think he was, like, raped with, like, a horseshoe.

Can you say that in the mic? I think he was raped with, like, a horseshoe. And then somebody, like, left the horseshoe in his asshole. Because throughout his entire life, he's always managed to be put in these situations where he receives free shit. I know. I get a lot of free shit. Like, the rape was probably free, too. Like, the rape of the horseshoe. Like if it's like a raffle or something or some kind of like, you know, sign up and you might win a prize.

He fucking wins. You know what it is? I figured out what it is. It's positive energy, man. Yeah. I put a lot of positive energy out into the world and I get it back. That's what it is, man. In Valence, you're just a dark fucking clown.

And I'm not trying to be racist. I get Whatever I hope for in life, I get the opposite. Like, I hope that girl is a woman. You're setting the bar pretty low, too. I'm just hoping that's as advertised. Everything goes wrong in my world. I'm sorry, man. It's okay, man. I'm used to it now.

Damn. I made peace with it good i write jokes about it your neuroses i write i write jokes about buying like 60 shirts and it never fit the right way again after the first wash that's fucking frustrating life yeah you have to like clothes dry all your stuff yeah i. Stretching it the whole time. I'm thinking about getting back into boxer briefs. Yeah. I've never stopped. Yeah.

You wear boxer briefs? All the time. Yeah. Why wouldn't you? They're the best. Because I don't like something hugging my dick quite like that. I'll take a dick hug any day. There's more of a chance of like spontaneous hard-ons.

Because it's hugging you so close. I'm like, fabric. Touch of my dick. I once brought a bag of boxers, regular boxes from a cheap-ass dollar store or something. That's a good spot to get underwear. It's a perfect spot to buy drawers. Spare no expense this month. These things ripped immediately, like paper.

The actual fabric was like... Like a $60 shirt? Yeah, I'll do that. A dollar underwear? That seems right. A dollar for a pack of three? Come on. Come on.

And those things burst open immediately, man. Just catch flames. Maybe you just have a Hulk dick. Maybe, man. And you haven't found underwear that can adjust to the stretching? It was like comic book-y, so it looked like I was just wearing the comic section of a newspaper. Oh, that's pretty cool. That is cool.

It was newspaper, though. I believe it was. Literal newspaper. She just ripped the newspaper. This is classifieds. I was like, here, let me pick this up for you. Did I just unplug everything just now? You yanked it back?

I did. You're good. It's that Hulk dick. This fucking Hulk dick. It's got a mind of its own. It needs some elastic drawers. I think that was a roundabout way of you trying to say you have a Hulk dick. Is that what you're trying to get at?

So I bought this cheap underwear and my dick just burst out of the underwear. I got that hot dick Ladies Oh by the way I work with a lot of people That say that When women pass Oh yeah

I don't understand that Ladies Ladies Ladies Ladies Does that work out well No Gentle fucks

Bitches Bitches. Bitches. Whores of the evening. Vagina havers. Hello. Hello. Oh, I don't understand that. Yeah, the office environment is a whole different environment.

What do you do for a living? I work for the Social Security Administration. Yeah, I'm a budget analyst. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Sounds cool. It's not. Sounds very cool.

I was a history major, and now I work with spreadsheets. I was a radio major. Really? Yeah. You got a good voice. Thanks, man. I have a podcast. Get out.

I can't have any competition on the show. Is that what this is? It's all a commercial. For the Ronald Hour. It's a coup. I'm fucking have any competition on the show. Is that what this is? It's all a commercial. We're going to destroy it. For the Ronald Hour. It's a coup. I'm fucking punning. A coup clocks.

It's a crop. I like the idea of having an exchange. Okay, so closely related to KKK. I was in Rising Sun, Maryland. I like any type of segue that involves the KKK. Yeah, bring it. I was in Rising Sun, Marylandland i like any type of uh segue that involves the kk yeah bring it i was i was in rising sun maryland and i was trying to find uh and you might have been with me rising sun maryland just sounds racist rising sun is like the founding members really of like kkk and maryland were or in this is where i act like i'm not a part of it i'm like what who told you that i mean go on they recently had like flyers

for kkk meetings like very recently like four years ago so a couple years ago i'm obsessed with waffle house okay uh and i want to go to the one in bel-air that's technically almost in rising sun gotcha so i stopped at like a 7Eleven to ask someone where it was. Yeah. And I got one of the craziest responses. He didn't call me a nigga. He wanted to, though. So I come in.

I'm like, hey, is there a Waffle House around here? Yeah. And he looked at his friend and said, Bubba, Bubba, there's a Waffle House around here. Bubba's like, ain't no Waffle House around here Ain't no Waffle House around here, boy I don't think you need to be in here Oh Boy, too

But it was a very courteous warning, though Yeah It was like, hang around for a little bit Call some friends of mine He was just like, this is going about your way, man. This is not a good place for you to be. That's what proper thugs do. Right?

Yeah. When you're in a bad neighborhood, they be like, hey, man, you belong around here? Uh-huh. I don't think you should be around here, man. It's not a good place. Yeah. That's a fair one. It is.

They're not trying to be assholes, man. They're just like, this shit can get real, real quick for you around here, man. Yeah, like, I'm not going to be a dick, but I hate you. Okay? I hate you. I don't know you, but I hate to see your guts across the fucking sidewalk. Just your face in general is bothering me. It's bothering me.

You can get out of here. You look very similar to some chicken I just ate the other day. You should leave immediately. You should leave. But, yeah, it was a weird interaction, man. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, oh, okay, so you don't know where it is? Okay, cool. All right. Cool. You should leave. But yeah, it was a weird interaction, man. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, oh, okay.

So you don't know where it is? Okay, cool. All right. Cool. Thanks. Welcome. Thank you. That was weird.

Well, you didn't deal with any racism in Hamden, right? No. Until right now. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. This first half hour is bullshit. Now we're getting to the real deal.

We're getting to the nitty gritty. As he said that, a fucking rebel flag rolled down. Yeah. Ripped my shirt off. Swastika. Hologram of a KKK person. Everybody dance now. Doing a running band.

Choreography dance. We practice really hard, guys. Chalk Jams Volume 1. KKK Jams Volume 1. It's KKK in the morning. Nothing says I love you and wake up like a nigger hanging from a tree. Now for our first hit. I have no idea what I'm talking about.

I didn't have a song. Go to commercial. Go to commercial. Nervous KKK guy. We're not ready. We're not ready. We're not ready. Yeah, I've experienced some racism in my day, guys. Really?

No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just fucking with you. No, of course not. Everything's great for me. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Life is beautiful.

Life is great. No, I'm trying to think. You know what I was thinking about? If this were our podcast, that would be offensive. There are two monkeys. Our logo is two monkeys in front of a mic. Two big mouth monkeys at that. Yeah.

Some big mouth monkeys. They got glasses on. So let me ask you this, Valis. Which one would you be if this were you and I? Okay. I have ADD, so I'd be the one looking off. Yeah. Still screaming. glasses on let me ask you this valis which one would you be if this were you or not okay uh i have add so i'll be the one looking off yeah still screaming still still screaming in the moment but clearly looking somewhere else yeah yeah the guy that did our logo he's like what do you think

that's like it's okay i guess it's not racist right it has a it has a good look to it man yeah okay well endorsed by black guys. Good. Good. I actually still have a few of those. Will you guys pass out the stickers? Oh, yeah. We have a bunch still, too. I'll take some.

Yeah. I'll give you guys some stickers. Yeah. Go put them in men's urinals. Spread the word. Spread the word. Or spread the turd. Hey.

Pun intended. Don't say that, Ronald. Do not say that. Don't talk about turds. I will punish you. Yeah. Pun? Huh? Huh? Am I right? Everybody? Don't say that, Ronald. Do not say that. Don't talk about birds. I will punish you. Pun? Am I right?

Everybody? It's all good. Yeah. It's all good. I love those sound effects. Uh-huh. Me too. What other ones do you have?

Look, guys, don't worry about it. Let it happen organically. You're just going to bust them out. Let it happen organically. It's all good. Ooh, Valance, you could sit in for the Korg if it's ever broken. Whatever you need me, man. You sounded like a fat black woman from house music. You know, it's like that one soulful black woman that you could tell weighs about 350.

Yeah. And in the video, they just shot her eyeball so you could never know how big she is. Or they just have a pretty white woman take her place. Yeah, that too. That too. Crop top. Yeah, like, I take her place. Yeah, that too. That too. Crop top. Yeah, like, I can sing too. These are my vocals.

Do you guys ever perform music at all? You guys do any music? I like to play the guitar, drums, all that stuff as a white guy. I've been known to make electronic beats on-huh you've been on my computer you have a reputation i have a what are we talking fruity loops that fruity loops uh-huh i used to mess with the fruity loops uh what the fuck all the stuff on mac stuff i can't remember any names right now i have a crazy brain for a garage band and the other one logic uh-huh yeah i've been known to make things on those okay val's got you fucked your microphone up

Yeah, oh wait my back. You're like you're alive. You're back. Oh And we're back. I'll just hold it like and we're black now you might better like it Yes Oh Okay now She was about to get really real Yeah The microphone was just like I know Yeah

I was like I set that up too Cause Valen's like Let me talk about my skills Cut the mic Cut the mic Cut the mic Cut it

This is gonna take forever But yeah I've been I've dibbled and dabbled In the Fruity Loops. There's some hot beats, some rap tracks out there.

DJ Ronald over there, huh? Ficky, ficky. Featuring us. You guys should send me one of those. I'll put them on the podcast. Okay, yeah, I'll put that on. My cousin and I are working on a mixtape. I did all the beats.

It's coming out pretty soon. Okay. Yeah, I'll send you one. You should send it to me. I'll send you several. Yeah, I'll drop them in. Might drop one in right now. No, I'm just kidding.

I don't have time for all that editing. I don't have time for that. And it's pretty good soulful shit, man. It ain't no Baltimore local artist type of music. Yeah, because fuck those people. They're dreams. Yeah. Fucking stupid.

It ain't none of that, I'm going to kill you, fuck your face, eat your pussy. Oh, I love that song. I really like that song, bro. All that. You don't have to shit on the song that I wrote. I'm sorry, man. i'm sorry man i'm sorry yeah i purposely brought this whole music conversation yeah just to let you know that song was fucking horrible whatever man look i put it out there you know i'll put it out to the world

yeah exactly so you play the guitar yeah that's how it's pronounced i'm glad you uh glad you know that yeah uh bass drums a little bit of keyboard. Oh, wow. Bit of a virtuoso, guys. Do you have any music on the nets of any? I do. If you go to soundcloud.com slash tremendousathlete, you'll find my stuff. Oh, wow.

Oh, yeah. I like that name. Tremendous athlete. I actually took that from, well, because I'm not good at sports at all and then um there was that video of um they're making fun of espn and how every time they were referred to a black quarterback they'd be like tremendous athlete like steve young he's got poise in the pocket he's great great passer michael vick tremendous athlete tremendous athlete and i was like hey that's me i'm a person i'm a young young black man so that so that's what I mean.

I'm actually trying to put something together, man, that you can help me with. Okay. I'm not going to get into too much detail. Oh, you can't put it out. Somebody will steal the idea. But I got a character that I'm working on that does kind of like a funk singer. And I'm trying to get. A funk singer or a funk singer?

I said funk. I pronounced it right. Which I love also. Yeah, funk singer. Funk leads the funk. It does. It really does. Am I right?

But I was going to write these songs. It's awkward. I was going to write these songs and perform live in character. Okay. So I was looking for a nice little. If you're looking for a band, talk to somebody else because I hate you that much. That's how that goes.

I'll try to help. I'll see what I can do. I'm a busy man though. We all are. Are we all? I see your shirt. You came in here with your weed socks. Do you call that a busy day? It's my day off. I cleared my schedule for you, man.

Hey, thank you. Thank you. No, I am happy that you guys are here. I'm reaching my quota because the podcasting association is like, hey, Josh, you need some black people. And I'm like, okay, fine. I thought the monkeys and the logo was enough, but okay. All right. You guys don't see the logo?

Yeah, we had talk in here. So three in one day is pretty good. I recently saw Toc's set for the first time. He's funny, man. Toc's funny as shit. Toc's really funny. Yeah, him and Ryan, funny dudes. Ryan.

We just came from that Coco Lane set, man. Yeah, Coco Lane was fucking phenomenal. Wow, that was such a good room. I haven't been to Coco Lane since you had a bad experience. Yeah. Oh, you had a bad show? Yeah, man. It was when it first started, though. I haven't been to Coco Lane since you had a bad experience. Yeah. Oh, you had a bad show? Yeah, man. It was when it first started, though.

I want to go back. You didn't have your Google Glass. You were thrown off. I told this amazing Black History Month joke that just didn't go over. I was like, what the fuck? This place doesn't get Black History Month jokes. I debuted some new impressions of mine. Oh, yeah, yeah.

It went over really well. I'm excited about seeing those. Get closer on that mic. I know you've got to lean over a little bit now. I just keep getting it lower and lower to my crotch. Balance. Is this how people normally perform? That's how you get on. Is this how they record?

He needs that back of the mouth spit. Real thick. When will this air? When is it going to air? Let's see how well you do. Are we live? Is this a radio show? Am I getting Twitter followers from this?

Follow my tweets. I'm working on this joke about how I don't really like porn scenes anymore But I do like the last couple minutes When a girl gets like jizzed on And The idea of money is no longer a thing And she's out of character Have you ever watched that?

Have I ever watched porn Ronald? No The last couple seconds of a scene They're like hey say goodbye to the camera. She's waving her camera. And they keep it on for too long. Yeah. In the face, the real feelings come out. I'm a big fan of that.

When they have to pretend to smile like, I'm having fun. Also, I want to do a joke about jizzing on the face and how it's fun for no one. The guy's just like, all right, all right, god damn it. And then when it finally hits the girl, she's like, good for you. I am enjoying this. It's never practical. I mean, the only spot is porn. And then it's like, you can't do that with your longtime girlfriend.

You can't just jizz on her face and be, so, are we having lunch with your parents tomorrow? Or what was the plan? And then if it's just a stranger, that's a pretty big risk, right? You can't just do that on a one-night hookup. You might not be into that. You're like, whoa, Jesus. I tend to go for the pocket. You're just jizzing the pocket.

You call a vagina the pocket, right? What I'm saying is I have a lot of illegitimate kids what i'm saying i go right in that pocket right in there so what's the podcast you host are you do guys do it together? We actually are starting one. Okay, because, yeah, I heard a while ago Tommy was talking about. We were thinking to start one. Too Legit to Quit is the name of the one that he and I are starting. We're going to start posting them pretty soon. Let's hammer this home.

I know. I know. All right. We're having fun. Okay. And I do one called Movie Shmovie. Okay. I've been doing that For like two years

Sounds like a Jewish thing Is it a Jewish thing? Meshuggah Yeah It sounds Meshuggah Movie reviews I get a lot of Advanced screenings

To movies No shit Yeah How do you do that? I have a friend You're like I work in IT Like I just said man

It just Fucking free shit man Yeah you're right It just fucking falls Into this thing Put it in It just fucking falls into this thing. It's like I have this horseshoe. I don't want to go into it. You put it into the mic.

I was so determined to bring – my fucking lip was like touching the mic. I wanted to make sure that you realized the point that I fucking made. My bottom lip was on my mic. Your index finger is like in my eye like, hey, you see? I just fucking told you that, right? I told you. Like the spit that came out of my mouth when I said fuck bounced back off the microphone into my face. That's how close.

And it was on fire. Weird enough. Okay, so you have a friend? Yeah, I have a friend. Well, that's a part of the podcast. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

The screenings. So we get into a lot of early screenings. We're covering the Maryland Film Festival, some of the movies from oh nice what's uh what's the big one this year because i know bobcat gulf weight was at the last one yeah oh my god man uh i don't know what the big one is i i need to look at the schedule but that was amazing i went there and uh john waters oh really popped up and asked him a question oh yeah yeah it's fucking incredible how was uh how was the movie the what's it called it's it's a sasquatch movie but what's god damn it i haven't written yeah i know what you're talking about but it was it was weird oh the movie's weird it was a strange movie man yeah

he makes good stuff though i like he does he does i don't know how i felt about this one in comparison to all of his others it was like a found footage sort of thing yeah yeah it's weird though it hasn't i haven't seen it anywhere not even like on demand or anything usually those come out pretty quick but not that one for some yeah like world's greatest dad i love that greatest dad was crazy yeah he's good very dark yeah really sad yeah yeah when he finds his son who's just like so you like movies yeah i'm a fucking i'm a human being who doesn't like movies some people don't like movies? Yeah. I'm a fucking, I'm a human being. Who doesn't like movies? Some people don't like movies, man.

Name 10. Every woman I've met aside from the girl that I'm dating. Really? Yeah, man. Fucking. Don't they make rom-coms for these broads and they're not respecting them? What's with these who-ers? What's with these who-ers?

Who? I tried to show a space ball. The fucking bitch didn't like it. I said make space for these balls. Put them in your pocket. How are you feeling about that one? No, yeah, I love movies. Okay.

I'm a fan, man. We should keep in contact about this movie. Yeah. Hey, have me on your show and I'll talk about a movie. I'll talk some shit. You want to talk some shit? Yeah, sure. Yeah. Hey, have me on your show and I'll talk about a movie. I'll talk some shit. You want to talk some shit? Yeah, sure. Talk some shit, bitch.

You know what that's from? No, I think you're just being very mean to me. Fucking that fucking chat, thug chat thing. Oh, man, I got to show you that video. It's a fucking party line

for thugs to talk shit to you. Okay. It's so good. You just call them up And they just talk shit It's a funny fucking It's like the opposite Like a sex line

So funny I gotta show you that video The world we live in today What are some movies As of late That have knocked your dick In the dirt Hmm

One of them isn't Wolf of Wall Street Didn't like Wolf I thought it was alright I don't know how I felt About it at all. Well, it's tough too when you realize, oh, these are all real pieces of shit. Yeah, he's a fucking terrible person.

I loved her. Spike Jonze's movie, Her. Oh, yeah. Her was good. It was fucking great. Her was good. The Raid 2. Oh.

Yeah. Do you like action? A little bit. Do you like action? I feel like you're doing the commercial for Raid 2. Do you like action? Do you like sequels? If you like action uh a little bit you like action i feel like you're doing the commercial for do you like do you like sequels if you like action you like do you like indonesian men fucking each other up do you drink almond milk i'm like this is specific this is very i drink a lot of almond milk you should man i'm lactose intolerant uh-huh so um shit will come out of my dick oh cool if i fucking you can stop bragging right again look it's so blessed this guy's You should, man. I'm lactose intolerant. Uh-huh. So shit will come out of my dick.

Oh, cool. If I fucking have too much. You can stop bragging, right? Again, look, he's so blessed, this guy. Shit comes out of my dick. It will come right out of my dick. Whoa, jeez. Always bragging this guy over here.

I'm all about the almond milk. Original. No vanilla flavor. I do vanilla unsweetened. Yeah, same. Yeah. It has to be cold, though. That's the thing about almond milk.

I can't really drink it by itself. I just put it in my cereal. I have to put it in my cereal. Have you guys experienced almond milk ice cream yet? No. Is it good? I had vanilla almond milk ice cream, and it was fucking delicious. See, this is why I have black guys over, so we can talk almond milk ice cream.

Yeah, man. Exactly. I'm lactose intolerant, too, man. Oh, really? It's good. I plan on having so many milkshakes this season. Ooh. Ronald, we got to getant too, man. Oh, really? It's good. I plan on having so many milkshakes this season. Ooh. Ronald, we got to get you something, man.

This fucker here loves milkshakes. I love milkshakes. He's a milkshake cunt. Milkshake drinking motherfucker. That's a milkshake drinking motherfucker. One of the most innocent things of milkshakes. This cunt over here. This cunt right here loves a milkshake.

Put a banana in it. It's fucking crazy. Some cooties. A little cootie. I said banana. He wants some banana. Man, I went to Burger King and asked for a veggie burger, and this guy behind me went, What?

For 30 seconds. He did not stop. His head just exploded. He would not stop saying what. He had to send an Arabian man through a desert to find a fucking veggie patty to bring it back to cook for you. He's like, I thought it was just a rumor. It's true. We do.

It's true. It's like the secret burritos at Chipotle. It's kind of like that. He could not believe it. Are you a vegetarian? I'm pescatarian. Oh, me too. What? Ronald no we have so much in common fuck out of here blow each other already i know we have been playing footsie this whole time but that's just normal for every guest yeah man i'm pescatarian nice yeah i was vegetarian and then i um i fell off the wagon i was vegetarian

for like six years and i was like maybe i maybe I feel good, but maybe I feel horrible. I don't know because I haven't eaten meat in so long. So I did a month of meat, called it Meat Month. That was great. And it was during the summer, so there was like steaks and all the good grill stuff. But then I still wanted like some flesh, you know. So now I'll do like tuna or salmon steaks. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Man. Yeah. I eat a lot of like vegetarian meals, though. some flesh you know so so now i'll do like tuna or salmon steaks yeah yeah okay yeah man yeah i eat a lot of like vegetarian meals though i like make a lot of like uh some talking some meatless beef crumble uh tacos oh yeah fucking meatball subs with the fucking fake meatballs yeah i try to stay away from the fake shit though i i I partake now and again. Supposedly all that soy is bad for you. Like the GMO soy. You get titties. I mean, that's no...

Yeah, oh, there's the estrogen. There's no mistaking. Yeah. Do you guys know Alabama likes titties so much he grew a pair of his own damn self? I heard. Do you guys know about that? I actually heard that. It's a local comedian's joke.

I like to try to say that as serious as possible. I feel like it's a local comedian's joke and another comedian swears they wrote it first. I'm sure they did. We'll talk about this after the podcast. Not me, though. Valance is like, but not me. I believe we're talking shop, right? Yeah, Valance is like, I'd like to see shop like that.

We're talking shop right now. Hey, man. I had a stroke just now that? Doggy shop. Doggy shop right there. Hey, man. Take this shit out of the wood shop. I had a stroke just now. Doggy shop. Man, if you did, though, that would help these podcast numbers. That would be pretty good. Listen to Ronald James while he had a stroke.

The luckiest man and his downfall. Self-proclaimed to luck, and then he had a fucking stroke. Not so lucky anymore. Now his dick doesn't work anymore. He feels lonely at best. Sounds like the worst Lifetime movie ever. And his dick don't work anymore. His dick don't work.

No one's going to cut me off from this voiceover. Him dick no good no more. His balls are in a knot somehow. It's weird and gross. I have this Hawaiian lady on my job She's like She says she's Hawaiian But she's like, you know, fucking white

And she cannot talk Really? Like, she's just straight up just broken English Like, she made me say Her don't talk good That's how bad she was I was like, her don't talk good And like's how bad she was. I was like, her don't talk good. And she says, Kula, a lot, right?

Because that's a warehouse, so everything's refrigerated. And she's always like, we gotta clean up the Kula. And it always reminds me of the kid from Waterboy, where he's like, he's spitting the K-K-Kula. And then one of the top chefs there prepared a breakfast for us, which was fucking amazing.

Yeah, it sounds good. She was like, I ain't never had nothing like this. Who talks like that, man? There's a black man saying that. You're like, get it together, Hawaiian bitch. Get it together, you Hawaiian bitch. It's funny, man. When you see a Hawaiian person, you can't...

Mexican, very close in terms of the way they speak. Which way? Akari. I noticed that. I was like, I wasn't sure. When I went to Hawaii, I was like, it's just... It's a big world out there. Transports from California?

Are you immigrants? What happened? Are you immigrants? E-me's? E-me's? Are you a bunch of E-me's here? I hate E-me's. I hate E-me's.

There's a girl that I work with. She's from South Vietnam, I think. Oh, wow. Southern Vietnam. And her English is a little bit broken up. But she kicks my ass in words with friends. Like the other day, she put up the word ardency, and I was like, no, you're cheating.

You're fucking cheating. You barely speak English. You're kicking my ass in words with friends. That'd be the last time I played with her. But you can't call her out on it. You can't be like, hey, you don't speak good, and you just got 85 points. What's going on here?

She's clearly cheating. Yeah, I can't do that. Good game, Tom. I wish there was a mode on Words With Friends where I could just be like, instead of me playing, I just turn it to the computer and let the computer play you when you think you're playing me.

Did you really just? No. No, but why even play at that point? I don't know. Just get my name out there. The, just get my name out there. The community. Fake that I know words. I'll say this, too. John Yeager, other local comedian fella, pretty sure he cheats, too.

You think so? He put up the word egg cup. What the fuck is an egg cup? What the fuck is that word? Yeah. And it's one word? Egg cup. Egg cup.

Egg cup. I'm going to look this up right now. That's some horse shit. Shots fired, John Yeager. I think you cheated's some horse shit. Shots fired, John Yeager. I think you should. Shots fired. Coming at you. Is he on this wall somewhere?

John, no. No. He can probably do the show at some point, though. I mean, we've lowered the bar this low. You know, guys. Whatever. Egg cup is one word? I thought that was separate.

No, I mean, you know, sometimes Words with Friends has some weird shit. You know, like QI and all that stuff. Yeah, so what else are you fellas into? Because we haven't hung out that much. I've run into you guys at shows now and again. But see, this is what I like about the podcast. You get to

know some fellas and ladies around. You get to talk, man. You seem like a video game guy to me, Val. I am. Yeah? I am. Uh-huh. I knew it.

Did the weed socks give it away? Yeah. Yeah. Did the fucking weed socks give it away? Did completely give it away, but it was a hint. It was a hint in the right direction. Yeah. Not like I used to be.

Closer to that mic, by the way. I'm sorry. God damn it, man. I know. I'm sorry. I want people to hear you talk video games. I'm yelling into this thing. I do like video games.

I like the video games. I'll speak with a very loud, high-pitched voice to make sure they get it. Please. Please do. So I like the video games, and I can get it off the auto and shit. I stopped. Not stopped, but I stopped progressing with video games.

Like the systems, you mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I don't have the newest ones, like, one, Xbox One. Yeah. Well, that is bullshit, too. Like, once you finally get comfortable with the system, like, it's that new shit. Yeah. But, uh.

I had no games out before. I'm all about the 360. Okay. You're an Xbox fella. Yeah, yeah. I'm a Call of Duty. Okay. Okay. I like the Batman. I like the Batman series. Uh-huh. The Batmans? Yeah, yeah, I'm a Call of Duty Okay Batman, I like the Batman series Uh-huh, the Batmans?

Yeah, yeah I buy whatever system WWE release a game for Ah, gotcha That's how I progressed How are the wrestling games now? They good? They're fucking incredible Are they?

I thought the pinnacle was WCW Nitro for N64 That's a great fucking game. You're right. I remember renting just the N64. I convinced my parents to put $100 down because you had to put a deposit because I was a PlayStation guy. But the wrestling games at PlayStation sucked dick.

They did. What's the name of WrestleMania 2000? Mercy and all those back then? Revenge. Fucking amazing. Revenge. Oh, Revenge. All of Nintendo 64. Yeah, Revenge back then. Revenge. Fucking amazing. Revenge. Oh, Revenge. All of Nintendo 64.

Yeah, Revenge was tight. But, yeah. So you're still, oh, yeah, because you're huge into wrestling anyway, right? It's not like I used to be, but yeah. No? But I still play the games, though. Did you go to the most recent one? Because they just came through Baltimore, right?

I went. Oh, you went? Yeah. How was that? It was good. I hear there's some interesting characters that show up to these events. There's like this group called the Wyattatt family that's like this like dark stranger you ever see the movie the strangers no i feel like i've heard of it though that's a pretty generic title so yeah

one of those horror films yeah he breaks into the house yeah where they're wearing like bags all their heads yeah they kind of have that sort of dark, stalkery cult sort of thing. Also, we were very into the indie wrestling scene as well. What? We were talking TNA, that type of thing. Ring of Honor. More indie than that. What?

Like local? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know there was some local wrestling shit. We would go to Philly. We'd drive to Philly, watch a lot of their shows. CZW. Oh, I haven't even heard of that. Is that good shit? It's good shit. It's good shit. We would go to like Philly. We'd drive to Philly, watch a lot of their shows. CZW. Oh, I haven't even heard of that. Is that good shit? It's good shit. It used to be

anyway. Staples being shot in people's bodies. I actually used to kind of work for a company that was right here in Baltimore called RCW. They were at, not Russell by the way. I wasn't around. Oh shit. Thank you, Mayor. We were there when the wrestler got filmed. You were there, not Russell, by the way. I wasn't wrong. Oh, shit. We were there when the Russell got filmed.

You were there, right? We were in Philly when. Oh, shit. I think I got it. You got it? I got it, yeah. Yeah. The movie, The Wrestler.

Uh-huh. We were, that was filmed in Philly at the CZW event. Oh, no shit. Yeah, yeah. It was quashed. We watched a lot of it get filmed. Oh, nice. And you're a movie guy, so that's right up your alley.

It is. Look at that. And by alley, you mean butt. Yep, yep. Pockets and alleys. That's the name of my other podcast. Right up my alley. Pockets and alleys. You like that.

You have a DVD copy of The Wrestler up your butt. Yeah, I do, man. Okay, cool. I just wanted to make sure. With a laser that I could play out out of my mouth uh-huh um so uh when did you guys get into wrestling i was big into in the attitude era that's what that's what i got into it yeah a little before that we got into a little bit before that our grandparents were like crazy into it really yeah like that's what made i'm pretty sure that's what made both of us start watching it was no shit they were i feel like i that must be like so unique like yeah my grandparents couldn't

get enough of that shit i mean they were like hooting and hollering at that damn tv screen laughing they really enjoyed it uh-huh and then like and i would always spend like the weekends with them so whatever came on like saturday night wrestling for wcw uh-huh that would come over we sit there and watch it the next thing you know know, I realized, oh shit, Nitro, Monday Nights, what, what? I started watching that. Then I was like, oh shit, Monday Night Raw is on this other channel? What? USA Network?

What? I felt like I was a part of the Monday Night Wars, man. Oh, yeah. I was flipping back and forth. It was great. Then we started going. Then we started going. Yeah, we started going. The Nitro and they used to have Great American Bash here, the WCW. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was in Maryland every year. There was shit, yeah. Oh, yeah, I guess because they have a circuit they move through. Like the chick, Sunny. Oh, yeah, yeah. Back in the day. I remember Sunny, yeah. Yeah, that's when that tingle.

That tingle down there. That's happened. That's been, yeah. I remember. Well, that's when you dick the wrong. Itle down there, that's happened. That's bad, yeah. I remember. Well, that's when your dick threw up. It was moist. Shit came out of my dick. It was a mess.

No, like when they had the swimsuit competitions. Sable? Yeah. Sable just had those hands on her fake boobs. I was like, whoa. Sable's breasts, man. I remember my friend, his parents paid for all the pay-per-views and he would record them on a VHS

and I was like, can I borrow that VHS? Just never gave it back. I need this in my collection. Forever. Just one second. Pause, play. Rewind. Track, track, track. Pause, pause, pause.

Those were the best VCRs where you just keep hitting the pause button. Just go for it. Just a little bit. Before slow-mo. It's the manual slow-mo. Pause, pause, pause. You know what really got me into jerking off more? What was that?

Love the segues of this podcast. You don't really got me tugging at my crank. Remember DVD players when they have the A, B ways in this podcast. You don't really got me tugging at my crank. Remember DVD players when they have the A, B mode? You hit A and then you wait, hit it again. That would be B and it would just keep playing that section

over and over again. Oh, yes. You can loop it. Yeah, you can loop something. Remember that movie? The wrestling movie? I think it was called Royal something with the dude from Scream. What's his name? Oh, David Arquette.

Yeah, David Arquette. Yeah, and Diamond Dallas Page was in that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was the bad guy. Triple Decker. Right, right, right, right. There was a match. There was a scene.

He's like, a diamond upside down is a pussy. It's a pussy. Yeah. I'll get you one ASAP. Another line. But there's this. Diamond Dallas saved my life. We can talk about that later too.

Oh, really? Yeah, saved my life. Well, I was going to continue talking about masturbating, but we could totally get into the life. I was going to talk about my passion. Yeah, I was going to talk about my passion, my dick. But if you're going to talk about your life, it's not as good now. Oh, my God. It's not as good now. Oh, my God. It's not as good.

I'm just saying there was a scene where they show the natural girls. Kimberly was a monster. She was a monster. Fucking monster. But I do DDP yoga. Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah, because that's his thing now. I just watch it.

You just watch Ronda do it? Sipping on some coffee? In the thong? In the thong. Lord have mercy. Put just watch it. You just watch Ronda do it? Sipping on some coffee. In the thong? Lord have mercy. But the thong is reversed. The thong part goes in the dick part. My dick just hangs out. My balls are hung up.

Too much description. That's a good image. You took an already borderline gay joke. It made it very uncomfortable for me. I'm good with going all the way in. You are, man. Very comfortable with that. That you are. All the way up the alley.

Balls, dude. I've said some pretty gay shit. Some people said some pretty gay shit to me. But you're like the only one, man, that makes me feel uncomfortable right now. Yeah. Well, I told Robert Andrew that I wanted to have front-facing anal with him, and I went up to him and put my dick in my pants as close to his asshole as I could. In a very, very heterosexual way. Okay.

Yeah, very heterosexual way. Which sounds like you're very secure. Very secure. I think that's one of the most beautiful parts about being 30 uh huh there's a comfort in my own skin that I

yeah you can put a dick on a butt I can put a dick on a butt and sleep like a baby sleep like a baby well on that note let's wrap it up I do want to thank you guys

for coming by if you want to plug your Twitters or anything any online presence you got the podcast. Oh, yeah. Go ahead, Valance. Yeah, because mine is very short.

Follow me on the Twitter. Valance Michael. V-A-L-A-N-C-E M-I-C-H A-E-L. Valance Michael. God, I love a good dramatic pause. Yeah, man. I have a podcast on iTunes, One word. Yeah. Love that.

I have a podcast on iTunes, Movie Shmovie, with my friend Steven John. Uh-huh. And my name on Twitter is RonIsUnthawed. That's R-O-N-I-S-A-U-N-T-H-A-W-E-D. What is it? Unthawed. Unthawed. Like, Ronald is cool. Oh, okay. Ronald is unthawed. Ron is Unthawed. Unthawed. Like, Ronald is cool.

Oh, okay. Ronald is unthawed. Ron is unthawed. Got it. Oh, thawed. He's not frozen. He's unthawed. But still cool.

You're in the sink waiting to go in the microwave. Yeah. Just a little bit. Waiting to be cut up and eaten. Just a little bit. Yeah. All right. Well, thank you guys for coming by.

Thanks for helping us, man. I appreciate you guys helping me reach my quota of black dudes on the podcast. Oh, man, I'm glad we can knock that out for you, man. As always, you can follow me on Twitter. I'm at BetterRobotJosh. The podcast is at DigSeshPod. The apps and Michael Moran. You guys will have to come back when he's here. You'll get the full effect of the podcast.

On the Twitter! On the Twitter! He is at MichaelMoran10. Go to digressionsessions.com slash calendar for all of our live dates. There's a donate button if you want to hit that and not be a piece of shit. Right, guys? Right. Don't be a puss bag.

Yeah. Whatever you donate to, we will send you stickers and all that free shit. I'll just leave my weed socks here for you. Hey, thanks, man. Oh, to donate? That's right. You're like, I'm going to skip PayPal. You can have my chichi chong.

Yeah, thank you guys so much for listening. You're like, I'm going to skip PayPal. You can have my Cheechy Chong. You can have my Cheechy Chong. I'm sorry. Yeah, thank you guys so much for listening. We'd appreciate a review on iTunes if you want. If not, you're a bad person. No big deal. No big deal. And we end every show by saying, if you like somebody, tell somebody. So I'm going to say, if you like somebody, and then you guys are going to say, tell somebody.

Okay. Okay. And if you like somebody. Keep it crispy. Nailed it. It's all good. Thank you guys. Ronald, Valance,

you guys are awesome. Thank you. See you later, man.