The Digression Sessions - Ep. 119 - Beef Sesh! w/ Josh Kuderna & Mike Moran!

Episode Date: June 9, 2014

Follow Us On Twitter! @BetterRobotJosh – Josh Kuderna @MichaelMoran10 – Mike Moran @DigSeshPod – For Podcast Updates!   Hola DigHeads! On this week’s episode, Josh and Mike sit down for a long awaited one on one session! These fellers had their first big fight and they aired out all of their filthy dirty laundry on this here pod. A scheduling conflict messed these two up for a minute, but their LOVE IS TOO STRONG! While Mike and Josh do engage in their lovers’ quarrel for a good portion of the podcast, they also talk about other stuff and make good jokes. This is a compelling and interesting episode. We hope…! Thanks for all the love Dig Heads! If you can swing it please drop our asses a few bones via the “Donate” button on the website. Also please subscribe to Digression Sessions on Stitcher and iTunes. Thanks everyone! We love you!         

Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey everybody, I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to the Digression Sessions Podcast, a Baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians writers musicians and anyone else we find creative and interesting yes

who's the guest this week no guest there is no guests on this week's program. It is just Mike, Moran, and I and the beef. That's right. It's the beef sesh. It's all the fans are calling it the beef sesh. And by all the fans, I mean my friend Ryan.

B-b-b-b-beef sesh. In all seriousness, Mike and I, we're good buddies, good friends. Love them to death. Love them like a brother. And we got into it. We had our first couples quarrel. And we get into it here on this podcast.

We're all good in the end. We're still friends and we work it out. But they're still friends. It was all over scheduling conflict over the cover band that we play in sometimes and mike wants to make it more serious i didn't know that and there was a scheduling conflict and we were both kind of inflexible and trying to see each other's viewpoints but uh i'll let you guys hear it and uh yeah i would just want to say that mike's mike best. I love him. And it's going to happen

with friends. Sometimes, you know, you're going to come to disagreements, but we worked it out and you guys get to hear us fight. Yay. White people fighting over stuff. All right. Yeah. So I hope you guys enjoy it. And I, you know, a lot of this podcast is our relationship. So at the time when we recorded it, we weren't doing so hot. But, you know, we're still really good friends and we worked it out. So I love you, Mike Moran. I love you guys for listening. Sincerity.

We're going to get into the episode. Just a couple things to plug here. Let's see. Both of us, Mike and I, we will both be doing stand-up. Me, Josh, Cotton Candy, Kaderna. We'll be at Coco Lane in Ellicott City this Wednesday at 9.30 doing some stand-up. Let's see. Tuesday, I'll be in D.C. at the Beer Baron.

And then Friday, I'll be at Summit Hill in Pennsylvania. I forget the name of the place, but it'll be up on the calendar. All of our live dates are at digressionsessions.com slash calendar. So come see us live. Follow us on Twitter. I am at BetterRobotJosh. Mike is at Michael Morantan. I'm also at BetterRobotJosh on Instagram. So please follow me, guys. I got some funny stuff up there. Sorry for the delay again in posting episodes. I got behind and then I went on vacation with my lady. We went to the Outer Banks, bruh. And I just, I was going to post an episode and then I just ended up floating in the ocean like a pebble, like a rock and getting all of my edges sanded down. And now I'm back, back ready to enter cubicle life. Okay. All right.

Thank you guys so much for listening. And we'll have some new episodes up soon with the very funny Josh Furlinger and Mike Fonazo. And we'll keep

this thing rolling. Thank you guys again for listening and listening to our lovers quarrel. And speaking of love, we love you. We love you.

Beef Sesh. Beef Sesh. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. All right. All right. Sounding good. Sounding fine.

Sounding fine in 2009. Save that. Write that down for five years from now. For when we have time travel. That's going to kill. Oh, yeah. I forgot. I was thinking it was 2004.

No. 14. 21-9. Uh-huh. 20- What? It seriously doesn't- It feels like it may as well be 2004 like either one if you told me either one i'd probably believe you yeah it does get weird when you start talking about the 80s

and you're like oh 30 years ago here's something that's gonna trip you up you ready for this weezer's blue album 20 years old 20 years old i've already come to that BuzzFeed article before me. Well, yeah, there's that. There's that. And I've come to accept that I've been doing a lot of thinking about how 1994 was 20 years ago, so I'm not shocked. Uh-huh. It's crazy.

It's crazy. It's crazy. Why can't we get a politician who will do something about how fast time seems to go by? No, we need to get on that. All right, listen. Hey, Josh Koderna here. Mike Moran.

How the hell are you? I'm well. I'm well. I can't complain. Good. It's been a minute since we've reported. That's a new character I'm working on. The nice but curt guy.

Great. What's next? Love it. You look great. Losing weight? You do look like you're losing weight. I've been hitting the gym pretty regularly. I'm giving up food soon.

It's going to be awesome. Giving up all food. Giving up... All sustenance intake. Well, let me explain. Nope. All the time we have. I'm going to try this Soylent diet.

Have you heard about this? It sounded like you said soy-less. No soy? No, no, no. Soylent. You're giving up soy for lent. Is that what you're saying? In essence.

I don't know. I'm a little green when it comes to this topic. So basically, it's for people that don't really want to eat, don't want to spend money and time on food. It has all the major nutrients. It has everything you need. I mean, obviously, I'll eat other stuff, but I'm going to give this a whirl. Apparently, you can survive off of it.

Soylent. It's very cheap. You're talking about Soylent. Soylent Green? Well, that's what it's named after, I believe. Now, you're being honest. Yeah, I'm really going to try this. This is an actual product.

You're not referencing the film where they make food out of people. Well, I think the name is a reference to that, but it's not my reference. That's a pretty ballsy business move. You know that one iconic term that's based off of cannibalistic eating? Yeah, I think this dude's taking the approach of like you know i want people to get this you know like i want them to but that's it sounds like he's taking the opposite approach you know the charlton heston film where he found out the food was people right i want people to have this i want people to know about it i i still don't know if you're fucking with me i'm not no there's really a product be sarcastic there's really a product

called soylent that you can survive off of what's in it like everything like every nutrient is just distilled down to it to its basic uh form are you talking about vegemite no sounds like vegemite it's it's probably in the same vein it's like that what's that stuff they give the starving kids nutty butter or something? Puffy nut? 13 cents a day. It has a really cute name. No, yeah, yeah. Fluffy nut or something?

Yeah, yeah. And it's like that, basically. It's like a paste that you... Mm-hmm. And... Are you... Okay, so you just told me you're going to start eating paste. Is that what you're saying?

Well, I think you can mix it. I think you can mix a little chocolate in there. Into a fine gruel. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh, yeah! Imitation gruel or something.

Soiless gruel. For those on the go. I wish I had a dumpster brand trash receptacle. All right. Well, it's been a while since we've done an episode together. Yeah. And there was a little bit of tension between you and I A little bit

Do you want to talk about it on the podcast? We can if you'd like to I would like to Alright Because, yeah, we haven't done an episode in a while I haven't hung out in a while Right I don't feel like there's any love lost between us

No But Well, there wasn't any love in the first place Right Well, I mean, I didn't want to reference that. There was no love to lose. However, a positive spin-on would be to say there is none lost. Right, right.

I mean, you can't lose what wasn't there. Yeah, just like I didn't, you know, there was no love lost when Hitler killed himself. Like, I wasn't mad at him for killing himself. Like, how could you do that? But there is no. Right. Okay, yeah. Now, that is a fair analogy to our relationship that's

completely analogous hitler's suicide and you and i uh quick side note it's mother's day when we're recording this i spoke to my grandmother today because you got to make the ancillary mom calls you know like grandmas and stuff um crap well yeah i was talking to her and uh somehow came up to the holocaust she was like because she recently fell and kind of to her, and somehow it came up to the Holocaust. She was like, because she recently fell and kind of injured her arm. She's fine. She had to get a cast and stuff. And she's like, well, I mean, could be worse.

I could have a tattoo on my forearm. And you're thinking like, really? A bad tattoo would be worse? I could have got that tat in Ocean City that summer. No, like, it's like... It would have been worse. I could have got my nose pierced in the late 90s. I could still have that Blink-182 tattoo. I could have got a Japanese symbol on my hand.

I could have that butterfly right on my lower back. I could have gotten the two stars on my shoulders. Yeah, or on your abs. Yeah. No, it's like, well, Grandma,

I just wanted to call and say I hope you're having a good day and here we are talking Holocaust. She's like, I know, I'm having a gin and tonic.

Well, she says she's getting wasted and hey, it's her life. You know, hey, I wasn't judging. You were judging.

You said wasted. She had one gin and tonic and brought up the Holocaust. I just told you I'm going to live off of paste. You are going to live off of paste. Was your grandmother around for the Holocaust? She was six years old at the time.

I mean, so she could have gone there, except she lived in America her entire life. Right. It is sad how all the Holocaust survivors are dying these days. Not survivors anymore, am I right? Oh, yeah. New low for the podcast. All right, back to us. Right.

Sure, we had a couple fights, but we could have had tattoos on our forearms. That's very true. That is true, right? Yeah. All right. So you and I, we've never really had any bad fights, I think. Right. We've known each other for, I mean, the podcast is what, like two or three years at this point?

Something like that. Something like that. Feels like way longer. But who's counting? Right. And then we've known each other before that for like a year, maybe more. Sure. So like four years, no real big blowups.

Right. And then we had one. Yeah. I wouldn't even, well, yeah. There was some animosity there, right? Yeah, there was some anger. All one. Yeah. I wouldn't even, well, yeah. There was some animosity there, right? Yeah, there was some anger. All right. Yeah.

We're bringing her out. I'd fuck Mike's wife. All right? Mike doesn't have a wife. Anymore. Then who did I fuck? Where did I get these scraps from? Who the hell did I fuck?

Listen, no. Mike, we had a show scheduled. We were going to play a show with the cover band. We had one show scheduled, then we added one a week before. It was like a warm-up show, but it was on my sobriety anniversary. The day of it. Yeah. Yeah.

And I was going to, yeah. So we had that. Yeah. And then, so I said that I could do it because i didn't think i had any other shows and i was booked on a show unbeknownst to me before i said i could do that and then i did that show so right and that i understand it's it sucked to cancel it was like a week out and i canceled right but we still did a show the next week at the auto bar and that was a lot of fun but But I still feel really bad about canceling. Well, you should. Okay.

But hey, I mean, in my defense, you guys could have done something still. Yeah, but it's... See, this is my final thought on it, really. Uh-huh. Final thought. I don't really, like, I feel like you should have asked, is it okay if I do this instead? Instead of just saying, I'm doing this instead. And, yeah.

Would you have said it was okay to do instead, though? Probably. Yeah. Probably, but not necessarily. I mean, you didn't really know how important or unimportant it was. I mean, it's me working with a promoter. You didn't know if I already had people coming. You didn't know.

Right. And I didn't tell you to cancel the show. Yeah, but I mean, being a drummer for a band and a week before it saying, I can't come. You guys could have done an acoustic thing, could have done something. Honestly, it's not a music venue where this was scheduled we were scheduled to play a music venue the week after where there's a sound system right sound engineers nonetheless you were signed on i agree you you you know it was me like say it was more important than you knew. Like, it would have been my ass on the line. Right. It also, you know, it's, I am, I know to you, like, you can't do the cover band full time. I don't expect you to or anything like that.

Yeah. But I, you know, I have really no career options in my life right now besides comedy, writing, and cover band. Like, those are the only things that I'm possibly going to ever make money on. But you do work full timetime as a server yeah but if i'm ever going to get past that then one of those if i achieve my dream of i know being able to survive the cover band's going to be part of that i mean that's something that could potentially make some money but the show at this tiny bar wasn't right wasn't predicated upon sure but it starts with having a good reputation and showing up for commitments

but also you know the promoter wasn't a stranger they do shows there every thursday it's a guy you're tight with right um they would have done an open mic instead right like a very sparsely attended well this one was actually pretty packed the one that you don't want that night yeah okay i want the open we were supposed to perform after the open mic. It was going to be the open mic and then us. Okay. So what time have we gone on? I don't know, like 10 or something.

So that's pretty late. On a Thursday for a cover band? But there was a lot of people there. Also, I think it would have split our audience in half. Like some people would have gone to Autobar, but not to Zismos or, you know, the two shows. Yeah, but that's not really why you... That's not why I did, but I mean, if you think about it Also, you know, we would have been playing the same song

Nonetheless, I would have absolutely asked What the situation was, what the circumstances are And is it okay if I do this? Well, I agree, but I felt like I was inferring Like I was saying, like, here's the deal So I'm going to do this show and it was an opportunity to host it's a paid gig it's a it's it was in dc it's a way to get in with another another tier of comedy and like you were saying like you're very serious about comedy and wanting

to like get into that so this was a thing where i couldn't cancel so it was more like i don't know i thought there was kind of an understanding that cover band was something we do for fun and kind of recreationally now and again right and then comedy is something we're much more serious about so when it came to an opportunity to do comedy right versus right in a dingy bar play but for me it kind of man might be a part of my career right see but i didn't know that. When you say career, though, I mean, there are no cover band careers. I mean, there are some.

Well, I don't have a day job besides waiting tables and writing. Writing. Writing's good. So if I am to achieve my goal of not having to wait tables and performing every night, cover band will probably be the only musical route that that will happen. There are plenty of people.

You can make a living off of cover bands, believe it or not. You might have to work in a coffee shop or something during the day. I mean, yeah, you can, but it's going to be pretty hard. Well, it's like doing stand-up. Yeah, I understand. I just didn't know that you were so serious about the cover band. I knew that you guys were talking about the cover band i knew that you guys were talking about maybe doing like yeah i mean it's in the early stages and it's still up

in the air but potentially that might be a source of income right so i didn't know all that was like pushing behind this this show i thought it was more like hey we have a chance to maybe do one other thing yeah i mean maybe i didn't quite explain that you know right well i mean i just to me it felt like just like a, like, eh, why the hell not kind of thing. It is. But even that still isn't the point. I still think that it's, I mean, if you sign up for something,

especially when it affects other people, and then these other people say, oh, we screwed up, but you're on this show or whatever. Well, they didn't really screw up they just didn't didn't let me know that's all so yeah right i mean so the way it works and yeah i feel like the burden would lie on you to ask us if that's okay i i agree maybe i should have said is this okay but i mean we're all friends so it's more like hey it was more saying like here's the like what's going on like i have

the opportunity to do this probably not going to be able to make the show right more so it wasn't like you know i mean and also i think you guys would have all said like when it comes down to the permission thing you would have been like yeah go do that like you know the yeah we would band is in our priority we would have probably i think what got lost through because this was all through tech so i think what what gets lost is the, what's the word I'm looking for? The tone of things, or basically, not the conceit, but the connotation of things gets lost. So it's more like, hey, I can't do this, versus you getting a text that's like, hey, can't do the show, this is what's up. It wasn't as cut and dry to me.

It was more like, holy shit, hey, as soon as I found out, I let you know. So I think maybe if we would have had a face-to-face thing right away, it probably wouldn't have got out of hand. I don't even know if that's true, honestly. I'd like to blame technology. I think every now and then you have to concede with people that you respect that you just completely disagree. I know.

And that's that's all of it. But it's not like I don't I don't think that you're so, you know, it's like you said, that's like the one time that I've really been not OK with something you did. And everybody you work with is going to do things that offend you from time to time. But I do think we have to say that it's like a agree to disagree type of thing. Because I don't. Yeah. I think that we're fundamentally opposed in our opinion about it. Yeah.

Well, see, that's the thing. It's just I didn't know there was that much going behind it that you wanted to make the cover band one of your things. Yeah, there's that. There's that there's that too but even even without that i think i would not feel right without you know like you're kind of like oh what do i need to ask your permission and it's kind of like well yeah you kind of do like when you when you sign when you're like affecting other people and you're signed on i think you do have to say you know do i have your permission to break this verbal contract? Yeah. Well, okay.

So then I agree with that. But then I talked to Scott and Mike, the other guys in the band. They're totally fine with it. Right. And so it was like, I don't know. Maybe if it was just like you were saying, if there was the buffer in between of asking permission. But then the permission thing is weird, too, because then it's like we're all adults and then like having to say like can i go please do the thing that i'm most passionate about you know i mean like i understand

like it sucks to have a choice that affects other people but when asking permission like that from like your friends to go do something that you want to pursue, it makes it just like in a weird area. You know what I mean? And then also you being in comedy and then understanding that sometimes stuff pops up and you have to hop on it. Right. Versus like we've been doing it. I really don't. I don't think that would fit into my.

I think unless it was like some crazy ridiculously good opportunity but that's not how it works i wouldn't i think i would still feel morally obligated to say yeah i signed up for this i i'm not gonna like let my friends down unless i know everything's cool yeah but what it came down to if you guys would have said no we don't give you permission to do the show. Right. I would have gone and done that show anyway. I would not if it were me. Really?

No. Versus it's something that, like, you're, like. If we were total assholes, then yeah. But, you know, we wouldn't. I mean, if it were something where I was, like, no, you know, like, we, this is, like, important for whatever reasons. If we had, like, reasons, if I, like, invited a whole bunch of like we, this is like important for whatever reasons. If we had like reasons, if I like invited a whole bunch of people, they're supposed to show up. Yeah. Then if I were in your shoes, I would have said, okay, I'll follow through with my commitment.

I genuinely would do that. Yeah. But then you wouldn't have any animosity. I'd be like, all right, well, let me go do this thing. I'm 25% committed to versus something that I want to do all the time. I don't know. I guess it will depend on the circumstances. I may, but I would still. I mean, it's the exact circumstances we're talking about is what I'm saying. Like, I get, yeah, that you should be angry about canceling,

but it's more so like when it comes down to it, like where I'm coming from is that what I am more interested in doing and what we both are, which is comedy over a cover band, right? Yeah. Right, so that's kind of where it fell in that. And we had a show lined up the next week at a bigger venue with more people

and a better thing versus a Thursday night 10 o'clock show versus a Wednesday at 8 o'clock. I still stand by mine. No, I agree. I mean, when it comes down to black and white, yes. You know, that type of delineation. Yes, I should say, hey, guys.

And I did. I apologized a million times, but I didn't ask for permission. Apologizing for like something you you can still change is like different than being like, sorry, I fucked up. I won't do that again. Like, well, it's more like, you know. Sorry, but I'm not going to. But when you say, like, it's just like, it's like honoring commitments. It's like if we were going to go to lunch and something popped up and I was like, well, I can't go to lunch. You know, I'd be like, well, you're not honoring your commitment.

Like, to me, but to me, I didn't think a cover band show at a tiny bar that doesn't even have a piece like on a Thursday night. I didn't know it meant that much to you. And I apologize for that. But I think you should have asked how much it meant to me. Mike, I just didn't assume that a show at this most and those for those listening. It's just a tiny, tiny bar around here. And we had the bigger show. Originally, we were going to do that one show on that wednesday the following wednesday and that was the show and later it's like well why the hell not i was like okay let's do it it was never framed as like guys this really means a lot to

me from from the get-go i thought that show was like a why the hell not yeah i still completely disagree, though. About what? About the, I think it's disrespectful and hurtful as a person to devalue something you're committed to. And to put it down like, well, it's just a, you know, it's just a show. You know, like, you don't really know what it means to the other person. Well, that's the thing. These cover band shows have always been more for... It's a fun thing to do on the side. It's not like I never... I don't think you've even ever said it's what you want to do

or make it a part of your future. Right. Maybe I should have made that more clear. But nonetheless, I still don't cosign that type of well it's just i yeah so i mean i i agree that i guess we're we're not going to agree but i'm just saying like i didn't do it maliciously to hurt you and i wasn't like and believe me i was very like all day i was trying to work this thing out with you so it wasn't like, and believe me, I was very like all day. I was trying to work this thing out with you. So it wasn't like, and even like the days after that. So it wasn't as callous as I think you are.

I never thought you were like intentionally fucking with me. Yeah. But, but like, yeah, that's still not, that's not the argument at all. I'm just saying the indifference is what's offensive. But it wasn't even indifferent. Like, cause I told you I wasn't indifferent. I told you that I apologized. I really sucks to do it.

Because you guys also were talking about getting a replacement drummer. So I was like, good, what's that guy? I didn't know. I thought he was going to be up to speed. That's what I'm saying, though. If it were something where you asked to try to work it out.

I did ask to work it out. But it was predicated with i'm not coming it's not yeah if this if we can't get this to work out i'll i'll honor my commitment or whatever you guys want me to it was just like i'm not coming let's try to figure this out but at the same time too like what you're saying is like not worrying like it's offensive to you to be for me not to be thinking about how you feel. But then also how I feel about having an opportunity to do something that I love doing. Right?

So it's just. But I would have considered that. But what do you mean? I would have worked with you. I wouldn't have said no way. I was hurt by the saying, I'm doing this, period. Yeah, but that's how it would have been anyway. But I'm saying, I'm doing this, period, is kind of like a false way to look at it.

Because you're even saying, you wouldn't say, no, you can't do that show. You know I would be reasonable. Like, I'd be flexible. Yeah. We'd try to work it out. But it felt to me like you weren't trying to work it out. You were just saying... But why?

Why, when I said I was talking about all those options of doing an acoustic show, to have the other drummer do a Polaroid Rage show... But it was predicated with something that was just disrespectful and hurtful and, in my opinion, kind of unprofessional. I mean, technically, yeah. But, I mean, it sucks to cancel.

But there was still the other show there. And I did try to work it out. So it wasn't like I said, like, hey, here's the deal. Fucking good luck. It was just, yeah, I'm going to be doing this show because that's what I'm more focused on. And if you had a chance to do a better stand-up show that night i feel like you would right i absolutely like i've said repeatedly i would not just say i'm doing it good luck you know that's not what i said i said what can we do there were other things there like trying to get you guys to like i said

before i absolutely would not be like i I wouldn't decide for you guys that. I didn't decide for you guys. I did not decide for you. Well, how did I decide for you when I said I can't make it? Well, when you're the drummer for a band and there's only four people in it and you say I can't make it the week before, you're pretty much deciding the show's off. But I'm not because you're being inflexible in that situation. Do an acoustic show. You had another drummer. play in a whole nother band that has songs you guys play shows you guys could have done that but also you've got to consider the fact that like

putting putting on a music show is freaking stressful it's not like putting on a stand-up show like there's a lot of components in it like what like having four people bringing all the equipment and making sure everybody knows every song they were gonna do that mike you already play in a band where everybody knows the songs with with uh yeah but who knows summer well first of all we didn't i mean we wouldn't have been able to warm up or anything and in like you know who knows if everybody would have been able to make it but that's the thing ask like there were still options there just because that's not the point at all but that is part of it because you're saying I made a decision for all you guys, and I didn't. I didn't decide for all of you.

I simply said I can't make it. I'm really sorry. I can't make it. And that doesn't mean that you guys can't do something. I disagree. I mean, yeah, technically it doesn't mean that we can't do something, but it's already stressful enough trying to put together all that stuff to say, well, you can play with a new drummer, too. Hopefully you have enough trying to put together all that stuff to say like well you know you can it's all play with a new drummer too like hopefully you have enough time to practice you've been practicing with that guy you told me that a few times at that point but not nearly

enough to like okay play a show but there's still a week there and then your other band you guys play shows all the time and practice we weren't like warmed up or what do you mean warmed up when we would need at least one practice before we would do something then have it try to schedule it yeah but you know that my schedule is completely busy all the time like there's never put it put it in place of uh of the well you know that it would be stressful and difficult it's all the same stuff though like mike is the guitar player in both of those bands. Other Mike, a different Mike.

Right. You play in both bands. Scott could have sang on something if he wanted to, or we had the following show the next week. It would have, I mean, at that point, everything was, like, pretty much down to the day as far as, like, practices. No, it was eight days out when I told you. Right. But, I mean, I'm generally pretty much packed, like, morning to night as far as, like, what I'm doing. So, the, but, okay.

So, basically, what you're saying is, like, just because I said I couldn't do it, then everything else is out the window. Not, like, 100%, but it makes it extremely difficult. Why? To have one practice out of eight days? With the level of stuff that I had that week and with just the stress of trying to get two bands together for the next week, it would have been difficult. Yeah, and that's the thing, too. Polaroid Rage was playing that following Wednesday,

the show that we played. We didn't practice until a day before that show. And you guys did great. Also, the show was just at a... It's just... I don't know you're not winning points by like putting down my project i'm not putting down your project i'm just saying that show was never billed as like this is it guys it was like eh we'll do it because you know we got an opportunity it wasn't like this is the one the show on the following wednesday was that

this was like an extra thing. Okay, think about this. The podcast, it's not like the end-all, be-all of my career either. It's not like the number one priority. I missed, early on at least, when I was working nights and stuff, I missed a lot of open mics and things like that to make it to the podcast. I always tried to show up on time always you know honor my commitment um you know before i had a car i was like walking over here in the rain and the snow whatever you're walking back late at night uh you know it wasn't the most important thing in the world but i i still tried you know i i never said like oh well

it's just some little ass podcast it doesn't matter you know like yeah but that's but and i respect the fact that you do pretty much all the work on the podcast just like i you know put in all the work for the the cover band not that you didn't show up in practice you did but like yeah you know it was my show that i was putting all the work into both of them right i mean but still like we would have all been there i would have been there help loading in unloading all that stuff like i'm still there for that i understand what you're saying about the podcast but there have been times where you can't make it for for a show or rehearsal with other things but not not like for some event that you have planned or something like that but i mean every podcast is a planned event technically like i mean you you have people

guests that are gonna show up do i make it stressful or difficult for you like do i make an effort to make it not as as like it's your podcast like i i know that i you're you're the one who's done the work you put in you know um most of the time i try to do what i can um but i try i think i try to make it as little stress for you as possible. I try to show up on time. I try to do what I can. Yeah. I would say, yeah, it's definitely a fair part. I don't make you like rearrange all the time. Like if you need to do it without me. But we have done that before. We rearrange stuff, stuff you've had. We're like a work like worker. I think like that's pops up. We have rearranged stuff. It happens. So it's like I and I don't mean to and I'm'm not trying to say that the Zissimo show isn't important.

And I didn't know. For me, I would have done the show. I was down to do the show. The cover band is fun. But the cover band wasn't ever a thing where it was like, guys, we've got to make this work. This kind of means everything to me. Well, neither was the podcast. But I tried to do that. that i mean i missed out you know that's early on i should have been hitting open

mics every single night you know but yet usually one night a week that i was off i was here doing the podcast but that's that's one night out of out of like the six or also when we recorded you could have gone to a podcast or a open mic afterwards but what i'm saying is for the show it's something the podcast we've rearranged stuff but for that show it was never like hey it was never like all right guys this is this is really important to me i really want to make this show something that we work really hard to make it special it was always a thing of like if we can why not yeah i mean so that's i mean maybe that's on me for misinterpreting it or missing things

that were out there but i never thought that this show was something that meant that much to you and i apologize for that but at the same time we have we're flexible with each other we know that our schedules can be a little crazy and with comedy you get last minute opportunities for things and things get crossed so it was never a thing like demeaning the show. It was more just like where our priorities lie, I guess. So it was like, I feel like with comedy, both for us, comedy goes above playing music, right? Yeah. Right.

So that's kind of where it came to. It was a shitty thing. I hated having to do that, but I really wanted you guys to still do the show and we also had the show scheduled the next week so it was more like if we can't do this kind of because it was like a it was like a warm-up side thing you know right and i never said that we weren't going to do the real thing didn't mean that i didn't respect you guys and i called scott and uh mike the the guitar player right away. And they, you know, so like it was more just like, I think, just a misunderstanding of like respect, really. To some degree, but I still don't quite agree. I know that you wouldn't do that type of thing chronically.

So I'm not going to like hold it against you. The ratio, I think, working with people is usually 100 times more difficult than it is with you and I, I think. Yeah. For the majority of people. Right. Same thing with Mike C., the guitarist. You two are two of the only people in my life that I can consistently work with and not have to deal with a whole bunch of bullshit drama you know which is probably why we've been able to you know last so long and what makes it more impressive is I am your baby mama exactly baby mama drama is easy right sure dig up but I still I am genuinely kind of hurt but I

will well that's that's what I apologize for i never meant it as all right a thing like a dig at you or like a way to disrespect you because i love what we have i mean if you think about it what we have on the podcast and then outside of being like friends right it's really it's it's kind of uh you don't come by it much yeah i mean these are the good old days you know what i mean like we'll remember this stuff for long like we're living you know like five years ago like i i was taking an improv class and my life was a nightmare i was like had horrible depression and like you know i met you you were working the diner yeah and now we're like opening for stars and shit yeah yeah and we're and we're you know we're like doing our dreams like how many people we're doing the things that

everybody else talks about when they're drunk you know what i mean right hey man we're, you know, we're like doing our dreams. Like how many people, we're doing the things that everybody else talks about when they're drunk. You know what I mean? Right, right. Hey, man, we're going to do it. Right. Right. And I know that I'm like very much a, I have to train myself to not just focus, like I'm the type of guy who will just focus on the negative things of somebody like, and let them eat at me instead of like being grateful for all the positive things. Right.

And I feel like that's a human quality too it's like you want to when everything's not perfect like something's out of the pattern and it's not going well why is this not going well and then i think we're both very um internal think in our head kind of guys until we talk to somebody and they finally pull us out of our heads yeah because that can kind of just rotate and rotate and then feed on itself and it's like negative yeah hamster wheel basically of like well why the fuck did he do that like what the fuck and i'm like oh yeah it's just gonna cancel on me and then versus like you know i mean and it yeah i i know i'm definitely guilty of that and i i'm sure i was in this situation especially like on that first day when i was really pissed off like and i take it too far like the story becomes like more and more dramatic in my head right versus like the kernel of truth from it all and then what it like

spins out to right spirals from and and yeah and i do the same thing too where it's like and i think i got defensive because i i don't ever want to be the guy that's like seen as somebody that's like well whatever you know like especially to my to my friend one of my best friends i don't want to i don't want to be the guy that's like well you know just leave like a wake of shit behind well it's also part of it is the contrast like if if you were just like some average jackass in my life who i don't like really expect much from who's like kind of a friend but i don't really like trust you all that much like then it wouldn't be that huge of a deal right but it But it's like I hold you to a gold standard. You know what I mean?

Right. So when something like that, I'm like, what the fuck? I didn't expect that. You bought a ticket for dad to come to the big game, and I got wasted. Right. Didn't show up. There's an empty seat. But yeah, I definitely.

Into the microphone. I want to, you know, I definitely, I need to concentrate on the two members of the original line of Alice in Chains that are still alive instead of just the two that are dead. Yes. That was exactly what I was going to say. And I do definitely appreciate how much you've done for the podcast. Like, it's, you know, it's one of those things where it's like, I pretty much constantly feel bad. Like, because you do.

I like the 19 A's in bed. Because it's not really a 50-50 work thing with the podcast like it should be. Well, part of that is we don't have a mobile setup. Right. It's at my house. Yeah. In a perfect world, I would just pay for everything, you know. But I can't really do that realistically no and and that's totally fine like yeah and i

understand you've been very patient and courteous with that and also um you uh to to your uh to your credit as well like you're like hey show me how to do this and then sometimes the same thing with us being busy or having to you know and not even it's not like we're like these high-powered like executives or anything but we just we have shit to do so it's like you know to carve out an hour to show you how to edit this thing we're always like well we could be doing this we could be so it's more like eh we already have it this way and i totally understand like i mean we split the fees and all that stuff and you know yeah if i get rich i'll totally hey thanks man thanks man i'll buy you a lexus or something oh man i was just still not editing the podcast i'll get you a lexus i'd rather do that garage band in a computer yeah i do i do appreciate that like everybody just kind of assumes that it's

50 50 you know like you and josh's podcast you know right and i and i try to be like assumes that it's 50-50, you know, like you and Josh's podcast, you know. Right. And I try to be like, Josh, it's Josh's podcast. I'm the sidekick. That's sweet of you to say, but I do feel like it is our thing. And I will do solo episodes sometimes. Right. And that's just the result of scheduling. Right.

And sometimes having to just get content up for these fucking hungry piece of shit animals. Yeah, I know. They're like constantly at the door. Yeah. Give us more dig session. You're like, all right. Right. But yeah.

But no, I see it. I'm glad that we talked about it because we've we've had this discussion before. I mean, ever since it's happened, we've seen each other and I just wanted to I'm glad that we could clear the air, at least to have it be on the podcast, too, because yeah, because we were supposed to do a podcast like the day after and like you were still pissed at me and i'm glad that that got canceled because that would have been like mommy and daddy fighting in front of the kids yeah especially for a comedy like if we were like a politics talk we could sort of mask our resentment

our resentment yeah like crossfires like well i I think the Syrian rebels should listen. You know, I think it's really unfair when when he when he canceled his show, Biden should make sure and check. I think Obama should should check with Biden before he goes ahead and cancels the cabinet meeting that morning. Yes. But I think it's cool that we can be an example of people who can disagree on things and not hate each other's guts. Right. I think we both saw where we were coming from.

We both agree that it's fucked up. But it wasn't done maliciously. If you were doing stuff to me just to hurt me, I wouldn't be friends with you. That would be weird. Yeah, I would never expect anything like that. Yeah, and I know nobody's perfect, and you got a pretty good record with me. I hope I do with you. Now you're taking high status.

Nobody's perfect. You're kind of perfect. I understand Now you're taking high status. You're like, nobody's perfect. I know. You're kind of perfect. I understand that you're, you know. You know Mike Moran. For being as pathetic as you are. I can understand. You're a broken boy. If I were Josh Kuderna, I would have those difficulties too.

I know. I know. And then even worse, you and I were supposed to have this podcast on Thursday and I got a last minute show. Right. And I had to cancel it. Yeah. Oh, man. The universe is not on our side.

Well, see, but that's – Yeah. I mean, you know, that's like your – this is your party. Like I'm not going to get pissed when it's like you're doing, you know, like, oh, you're canceling you doing a bunch of work for me? Right, right. And you've been good with like, you know, you've allowed me to interview some of my podcasting heroes.

Yeah, and even that was great for us too. Because, I i mean those people that listen to those episodes exposes us to an audience that i wouldn't have known about or like you know cool artists and other fellow podcasters and stuff so i i do i do love our friendship and i'm glad that we can work this out and i think deep at the bottom of it it was more like it's like god mike i love you just understand you know it's never like this fucking guy was just like it's more than a business relationship i don't i don't think our yeah you know people repeatedly you know even even when i was i was kind of like venting to

a couple people not i was talking a bunch of shit but i was explaining my problems to a few people i had the same thing and they were all like and they're very much like you guys have like a dynamic together like don't don't like give that up. Right. And I said the same thing. I talked to some mutual friends and of course I talked to Amanda about fucking Moran. Right. And she's like, well, I mean, you did.

I mean, she basically said everybody that I've kind of talked to has kind of said both things of like, yeah, it is shitty to cancel, but at the same time, and this is what you want to do. And that's what he wants. You know, it's just going to be, I think other people get it but beyond that beyond those simpletons right the two perfect people on this pod i'm glad that we could work this out yeah me too now let's start the podcast all right let's start our recording can we can we hit that r button it was it was funny how like day after, I was like,

all right, how can we exploit this on the podcast? Can we have like... I was thinking we could have a moderator come in or something. Ooh, a Dr. Phil type. Well, because I knew that we have the reasonability to stay cool. Yes. You know? Yes.

So, you know, I think it could make a good... I think this will be a good episode. Nah, this is shit. Yeah, probably. This is shit. You need to try harder. Right? All right? If you want this will be a good episode. No, this is shit. Yeah, probably. This is shit. You need to try harder. Right. All right?

If you want this to be equal. Okay. All right. Now, who are you thinking to be a moderator? Did I have anyone in mind? I feel like I may have. You probably had some Moran apologist in mind. Yeah.

And now for the moderator for our disagreement, my mom. No, I think I was thinking... She just hits me with a rule. I was kind of thinking Brandon Lascure might be a good... Because he's like a big fan of the podcast. And he's like... I don't think he really has allegiances to either of us particularly.

He's got no skin in the game. You know what I mean? Also, Martin Friese, our number one fan. Oh, yeah. We got to have him back. We have to have him on. Have we had him before? In my dreams.

I do want to have him on. He's like, yeah, I'll interview you guys. I was like, that'd be fun. Yeah. That'd be a fun episode. That was our first episode, was technically your roommate interviewing us. Yep.

That was fun. That went well. I remember when we were friends. I was kind of sinking in my seat during it. I don't recall that. It was fun. That went well. I remember when we were friends. I was kind of sinking in my seat during it. I don't recall that. It was fun. It was a fun episode. Chris is a great guy.

Yes. All right. And he did the dildo prank call. Yes, he did do the dildo prank call. All right. We've cleared the air. Okay. We're friends again.

Yeah. How have you been? I've been pretty good. I know you know you're busy i am busy but it's all it's almost all good stuff i think at the bottom of this this episode if you just um just tear away the layers this is an argument over who's busier i think no i'm busy no i'm i am very busy as well um that was an exercise we had to do for unscripted when we're doing an improvised play we would do a scene and then we'd have to run it again and you'd have to do the basis of what you're saying like the underlying meaning like if it was if it wasn't

just like hey how are you you when you rerun it you you would be saying the intent beyond that right i'm asking how you are because i want you to ask how i am because i'm sad yeah or something like that so that's really interesting so it was it was a really hard acting slash improv exercise so i think at the bottom of this it was like look i love you but i'm big right but yeah Yeah. I'm very busy. How are you? How did the comedy festival? I'm just tapping my watch.

Mike, can we wrap this up? You're doing the spinny sign with your finger. The Oscar fade-out music. Your eyes are like going towards the ceiling. Uh-huh. Breathe heavily. Go on. Anyway.

How did the... I heard you killed at the festival yesterday. Thank you. The Charm City Fringe Fest. Fringe Fest? No, it's not Fringe. Comedy Fest. Charm City Comedy Festival. Yeah, that's what it is.

inaugural year. Yes. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. It was tough because it was at a huge it's at an old church so um it's gigantic and cavernous so i feel very uncomfortable well i i yeah one of my new jokes i say crush that pussy and uh as i was saying that you there was a stain gigantic like 40 foot stained glass window of jesus like at the stations of the cross and i'm like crushed that it's like felt weird but right at the same time no i yeah i had a lot of i had a lot of fun i went

up at five five o'clock and uh there's still it was mostly like friends and then like other performers and stuff so it was like a good uh supportive uh crowd yeah. And also, the Baltimore Improv Group's theater has flooded, as you know, but telling our listeners, so the theater that we perform at was flooded, and we had to get some last-minute spaces

to do our scheduled shows, and so we were doing shows at churches, so these past two days, I've done three shows at two different churches. I'm on the Baltimore church circuit of comedy. And things are going real well for me. You know what's really funny?

We did the show with, what's your name, Jill? Bernard. Yeah, yeah. He's awesome. Yeah. So we did that show in a church basement. And, like, there's this dude that's involved with improv that I don't really know him i don't even know exactly i guess he's in a troop or something now he's kind of a new guy yeah and like awkwardly we were kind of like aa friends like a decade ago and i don't

really know like what's happened to him since you know uh so and i haven't brought it up to him and so like we're in a church basement that like the chair is set up like just like it looks exactly like an egg. No, it looks. Yeah, that's the thing. When you perform in these churches, it's all folded out chairs. And that's what I said. I was like, this is the weirdest support group.

It felt like a refugee camp, basically. Like, well, we're all going to laugh. It was so weird because it was like we were setting up a meeting just like we did a decade ago without either of us acknowledging it. Because I don't want to be like, so, what have you been doing? You know what I mean? Yeah, I don't want to be like, you still a friend of Bill's? Yeah, I don't want to be that guy. There's coffee and donuts in the back.

Honesty right here. You say that after every scene. You can call me if you want, man. Call me. You can call me if you're in trouble. Yeah, performing in churches is weird. But I had fun.

Yeah, church basement was weird and then this past weekend the two churches were really big. Right. Yeah, it was good. So, just been doing

a lot of shows and I have a show. Oh, yeah. Easy. That was an accidental oh, yeah. I liked it. You keep like an empty chamber where that first bullet should be just in case the gun goes off. Oh, yeah.

Oh, wait. Sorry. You're right. That's what they did in the Old West, apparently. So you have room for six bullets. Put five in there. That's what I've heard. There's a story about Billy the Kid and a bounty hunter that was looking for him.

He borrowed the guy's gun and moved the chamber once so that the empty chamber was on the... So then when he realized it was him and shot at him, he was able to turn around and shoot him. Oh, Billy the Kid. Yeah. I've been really big into Billy the Kid the last few weeks. Have you seen the Brad Pitt movie where he is Billy the Kid? That's a Jesse James film, I believe. That's not the question I asked you.

So, no. Okay. Thank you. Similar people. Anyway, hold on. I have a show coming up where I'm doing... It's basically like a homecoming kind of show. Grew up on Kent Island. Now I'm doing a show in Easton this Friday.

Cool. Which is like 20 minutes outside of where I grew up. So I have friends and family showing up and my dad's friend uh andrew is coming nice and um or and not andrew billy it doesn't matter if you say his first name could be anybody uh he's coming to the show and i haven't even seen him in years and uh he texted me he's like hey do i need to get your dad a ticket and i was like no i i got one he's like okay well i was, hey, do I need to get your dad a ticket? And I was like, no, I got one. He's like, okay, well, I was just buying them

and I wanted to make sure. And I was like, yeah, man, thanks. And I'm really excited you're coming to the show. He's like, oh yeah, it'll be great. I can't wait. And I was like, ha, I hope you're not raising the bar too high. This was his response. LOL, I figure if you're funny, I'll laugh at you.

If you suck, I'll laugh at you. A, either way, it's worth the price of admission. Besides, I live four blocks away, so I can get half fucked up before I come anyway. Wow. And I said, ha, ha, ha. Sounds like a win either way. He said, bingo. Nice vote of confidence headed into the show.

Wow, he's so good. All right, do you want to hear the message I got today? Yeah, it's time for our text message segment. Ready? Let's see, I'll try to edit this so that it doesn't give away to anyone who might know this person. Hold on, we need our text message theme song. Ready? Text message.

No connotations. Yeah, yeah. Whoa,ations. Yeah, well. Whoa. Whoa. Oh, my J. Emojis. All right. So this is a message I got from out of the blue from somebody that I went on a couple dates with.

Okay. And whom I made it very clear that I probably didn't want to get into a relationship with before we did it. Can we circle back to that sentence you just said? You said, I made very clear that I probably don't want to be in a serious relationship. But probably. Probably. No, I try to make it clear, like, maybe I'm looking for a serious relationship, but I'm not really sure if that's what I want to do with my life right now.

I just like to be like, I clearly and definitively said I could go one way or the other. No, well, a lot of people are looking for a serious relationship when they date someone. But you left that door open. Exactly. Okay, okay.

That's all I was saying. I'm not sure if I want a serious relationship or not. Let's see how it goes. This is the message I got out of nowhere after like a month of this person breaking it off with me. Uh-huh. All right. You were a dick to me, Mike. Uh-huh. You don't want to see me and don't care if other dudes do.

Cool. Okay. Comma cool. On to the next one. See, that sounds like a supportive with the cool at the end. Yeah. Yeah. If it didn't start with that first sentence, then I'd be on board.

She might have butt texted that. Right? Yeah. But if that was the... Maybe just like one word is wrong. Like, you were a gym to me, Mike, but it came out as dick for some reason. Autocorrect. I just get like a hash.

What's that called? Like the star with the. Yeah, the asterisk. And like the entire thing's different. She's complimenting. On to the next one. But if that was the case, why did you even bother coming to my house? First of all, it was an apartment, not a house.

Boom. You could have declined the invite. You just wanted to fuck me. Keep in mind, I made things clear where I stood before we did it. I thought that you were my friend and that you respected me and above all, that you were kind. I have come to discover that you are

none of those things. Thank you for showing me who you are, Mike. You're right. I am out of your league. You're dead to me. Yeah. Man. From your mom on Mother's Day. P.S. Can I have my Morrissey CD back?

I left my mid at your house. So things are going well in the love department. Oh, wait. Well, I guess we're still talking text message. I was going to play us off from the text message segment. Are you going to respond to that? Well, I guess we're still talking text message. I was going to play us off from the text message segment. Are you going to respond to that? Well, I already did. I was like, first I responded like, huh?

Like, question mark. And then I responded with, I thought you broke it off with me. And then I texted this person and I said, are you all right? Because obviously there's something going on. i'm trying to stay civil here uh-huh it's hard to get resentful when it's like that wacky you know but here's here's the other in the same way that you kind of offending me makes me feel better about not doing as much work as i should on the podcast oh this this this message makes me feel better about a stupid thing that i did a few months ago that I feel really stupid about, where I basically, out of the blue, sent a message kind of like that to a different girl.

And I immediately was like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, that was crazy, I'm sorry. But I've been feeling really stupid and embarrassed about that ever since. And so that makes me feel a little bit better. That you're not alone. That I'm not the only person sending crazy messages out of the blue um and plus you know attention is attention you know hey that's hey hate is not the opposite of love indifferences right right i mean two sides of the same coin right there tomato tomato yeah so i can't wait to go to your guy's wedding and tell this story. I can't. I remember she sent this message.

This crazy son of a bitch right here, I tell you. All right. Well, what's the move? Are you just going to – I mean, you're dead to her, so. I guess I'll see if she responds. I'll try to be compassionate. I'll try to be kind. Obviously, she's very hurt.

I can relate. I can relate to getting weird-ass emotions for no good reason. I would expect, if I did something like that, as soon as my sanity kind of came back to me, I would apologize and try to clear it up. Are you going to do a wait-and-see method on this one? I guess that's really all I can do, you know? Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Give her a little space. Yeah. You are dead to me. Maybe text her at 2 a.m. Just hear me out. You don't have to. You just text her.

Like, hey, DTF? No, no, no. No, no, no. You insinuate that. You just write sup. That's it. S-U-P. Maybe like a w that. You just write sup. That's it. S-U-P. Maybe like a winky face.

Or you up. That's it. That's it. See what happens. Okay. You just throw it out there. Okay. I should still try to make this a booty call.

There's still potential. I don't think it's too late. I think that's what she's asking for. You let her see other guys. Cool. Whatever she said. You're just handing me all the power in a shoebox by sending a note like that. You know what I mean?

Yeah. But I like that you're like, I feel so powerful now. Versus like, what did I do to hurt this person? You're like, I'm the king of shit mountain. Okay. No, I'm pretty king of shit mountain. Okay. No, I'm pretty certain I didn't do anything, though. Like, I'm, what else could I have possibly done? And I have, like, most women are like, you're a good guy, Mike.

You know, like, most women that I've dated, like, most exes are still cool to me, you know? Uh-huh, uh-huh. I don't, I'm pretty sure I'm not a dick. I'm pretty sure. Most of the time. And when I do, I try to apologize and make it right. That is true. All right.

Well, hey, good luck with this. Keep us updated. I'm excited to see what happens. And I think this concludes the text message segment of the show. This is the weirdest episode of Crashing Sessions ever. Don't talk over the song. Text message. What rhymes with message?

Yeah, I can see why you didn't want me to talk over it. I'm like, don't ruin it. Passage. Passage. Message. Essage. Essage. Message.

Appendages. No, there's nothing. Message. Is message the new orange? Message. Message. message appendages there's nothing message is message the new orange message digressions this is the text message from the digressions

yeah you can do message with digressions sessions okay the text message of the digressions. This is terrible. Sessions. Oh, yeah.

I got a confession. Oh, that was good. Yeah, but that doesn't rhyme with message. All right. Let me just do the beat and you try to rap it. Okay. Okay, ready? What's my subject?

The text message. The text message segment. Segment. Okay, segment. All right. This has been the text message session of the digression sessions. Hey, I got a confession. I'm not the only crazy one.

This girl is sending me messages. I know. What a duo. An obsession with a woke up session. I think I might have a stalker. Yeah. Josh thinks that I can still cock her insides. No, I never said that.

He said I could cock her insides. No, I just said you said just say sup. You don't treat her like a tile floor. Can I cock her insides? No. That's what I should message her. Is that what you're saying? Yeah.

And then write damn autocorrect. I meant to say I'm sorry. I apologize. All right. Anything else pressing you want to talk about? You want to take any shots at me while we're emotionally vulnerable? Anything else on the... No, I don't think so.

I hate to think about nothing too pressing define pressing yeah um uh well let's let's end this on a little bit of a um story you ever had to kill anything what like a rodent yeah well Okay, with, like, you've killed mice? I've had, yeah, I've had plenty of situations working at restaurants where I've had to do stuff like that, and it's always, like, what? Like, I remember one time this dude was, like, torturing a mouse to death that he caught, and I, like, I really wasn't okay with that. And I, like, wanted to say something, but he was, like, kind of a tough guy, and, like, I was just kind of like man you're a sadistic motherfucker or something like that you know like i was trying to sound cool that's what's up and then i and then he like just left it there and then i felt like i need to kill this thing before he like tortures it more and i remember i just like grabbed a spoon

and it was like trying to kill it i was like trying to like crack its neck or something and it was and yeah it was awful and it's still and i you know i just didn't know what else to do. Is that the most brutal mouse killing you've done? Yeah. The whole thing is pretty disturbing. When they get caught in the sticky tape, I'm always like, how can I get them out? Why is sticky tape even illegal? It's crazy. How is that considered the more humane?

That is the worst possible way to die, getting glued to something and then tearing your limbs off trying to escape. Yeah, they'll shoot through their own legs to get out. How is that not assault punishment or whatever? Right. Exactly. So yesterday, Amanda and I, we went out to the mall, like the good capitalist we are. Sure. And came back from the mall, let the dog out.

We see the dog's freaking out, barking at something. We can't tell what it is. She'll do this thing where she barks and then is backing up, trying to look tough, but is clearly scared. And then we see that there's a rat laying there. He's about a foot, maybe, somewhere around, like a big, decent-sized Baltimore rat. Are we talking nose to tail or nose to ass?

Oh, nose to tail, I'd have to say over a foot. Over a foot, maybe a foot and a half. Big boy. Or lady, I don't know. But it's just laying there, and I thought it was dead. You could see it had puncture wounds kind of on its side by its hind leg. I wasn't sure if Munza got it. Munza didn't have any blood on her.

And then as you get closer, you see it's breathing, but its eyes are closed. It looked really serene. It was really weird. It's going to a better place. And it had flies around it, but it was kind of breathing hard, and so we're like, all right. Don't know what to do here.

Amanda had to get ready for work. Wait, where is this rat? On the porch? In our backyard. It's in the grass. Well, it's near one of our grass patches among the dirt that is our backyard yeah and um so it's like i really want to go for a run so i'm gonna go for a run and hope this thing heals itself and you hope you see it like running

down the street with yeah like next to me next to you it comes next to you. Like, hey, man, sorry about that. And it's like, race ya. Like, ah, ratty. He's like, hey, last one to the flagpole to Rodney, go. Then he gets run over by a car. Just like, Jesus. Oh, talking rat. Now he's dead. Yeah.

God, you cruel mistress. Okay, so I leave and I go for a run. Our friend Alex Broslovsky that we know, a co-host of Chuckle Storm, very funny guy he was supposed to come over and hang out we're gonna work on some sketches and i thought he was coming over at 4 30 but he was coming around four right i get back from my run a little bit before four kind of around there and i go to the backyard to check on this rat still there right and i'm sweaty and kind of uh i haven't been running much so i just feel like shit and uh just kind of discombobulated and i'm looking at this rat and then my neighbor ken who i share a fence with he's talking to me about the rat because his dog next door is going crazy because he can smell the rat and he's trying to get at it and uh he's like well what are you

gonna do and i was like i don't know what to do because i want to put it out of its misery if it's really hurting but sure what the fuck do you do? So he was like, well, you could put it in a bag and suffocate it or something. And I was like, yeah, that's an option. So we're going back and forth. And I'm a big pussy when it comes to this stuff. I mean, I'm a vegetarian as it is. And then, like, I mean, even just stuff on humans like doctor shows

on discovery channel and they pulled a tumor out and it had teeth you know like teeth or just whatever it is they're like when they're like digging inside and like yeah they're like people's guts and stuff so uh so i'm like going through this like weird crisis of what to what to do with this rat i don't want to just leave it there if it's in pain. Alex comes in the backyard. He's like, hey, what's going on? And my neighbor just handed me a shovel and he's like,

well, you'll have to like pick it up at some point. I was like, yeah, but I don't want to grab it. He's like, well, you can use my shovel. So I have this shovel and Alex is like,

what's going on? And he sees the rat and he thinks it's dead. Like, oh, you got a dead rat? And I was like, well, it's not dead. It's just injured. I don't know what to do with it.

He's like, oh, I'll just hit it with this shovel. I was like, really? And he's like, yeah. I was like well it's not dead it just injured i don't know what to do with it he's like oh i'll just hit it with this shovel it's like really and he's like yeah it's like and you're fine like you're gonna sleep fine tonight doing that to me it's like yeah it'll be it'll be not it'll be fine i've killed mice before i'm like but this is like a thick rat like fuck all right well we got to do something we got to kill this thing so i don't know what to do so i'm like, fuck, all right. We got to do something. We got to kill this thing, so I don't know what to do. So I'm like, all right. I give Alex the shovel, and I think he's going to put the shovel behind him, just get full force, almost like 180 degree, just bring the hammer of God down on this thing. He does about a 90 degree angle pat on its head and hits it. And I didn't want to watch, but I just wanted to make sure it was dead.

Hits it the first time, just injures it horribly. It's just like shaking. Ends up having to hit it four or five times. And it's so funny. I mean, it's so like, it's so disgusting, but it's so funny. Like, it's like, why didn't you just wind back and hit? He's like, well, I didn't want to like miss it. And it's like, cause you don't want to end up hitting it four or five times and that's

basically what he ended up doing anyway some people and then i thought he might use like the side of the shovel to tie just like decapitate it and some people were talking about using it just like just straight down that's probably what i would have done i probably would have just like stepped on the shovel and just like forced my neck apart. Right. Right. Yeah. Woo! So you feel emotionally for this animal, and you don't like the gore aspect. Well, the gore is a side effect of how it must feel. Like, oh, Christ, I can see its teeth getting shattered.

You know what I mean? Like, that has to... So, I mean, he's probably in agonizing pain for like 10 seconds, 10, 15 seconds, but still. Right. So then the thing's dead. The face is bashed in. We got to put it in a bag and throw it in the garbage,

as you do with dead bodies. And Alex is trying to get it with the shovel, and he can't really get it. It's like, all right, well, I to get it with the shovel, and he can't really get it. It's like, all right, well, I'll get it with the shovel. You hold this bag. It was just like a Target grocery bag. And I put the rat in there. And then I was like, all right, just kind of like knot it up, and we'll throw it in

the garbage. But there was like a little bit of blood on the outside of the bag. And he's like, well, I don't want to touch the bag. Right. And it's like, you just fucking murdered it. But you don't want to touch it because it has a little bit of icky. I don't want blood on your hands, huh? Wash your hands.

Meanwhile, it's all over his face. He's got guts. Chewing on guts. Shaped rat blood into 666 on his forehead. But hey, it had to be done. I was glad. He's wearing like a loincloth made out of a tide. Yeah, he's just like, eww.

So, had to be done. Sure. At the end of the day, I'm glad he did it. Right. Could you have murdered that rat with a shovel? Yeah, yeah. If it's in pain, and I know I'm going to put it out of its pain, I will take the... Yeah.

Like, I don't like doing that stuff. Yeah, definitely when it starts, like when it's in more pain, that freaks me out. Also, too, he might have killed it on the first one, and that could have just been like involuntary muscle spasms. Yeah, definitely when it's in more pain, that freaks me out. Also, too, he might have killed it on the first one, and that could have just been involuntary muscle spasms, but still. Yeah, I definitely don't prefer doing stuff like that, but I will. It would be really weird if you didn't prefer. If it's going to cause it less pain, then yeah, I will do it. I don't think I'm quite...

I'm not all that emotionally attached to animals. I probably should be like intellectually i know that i should probably do no harm to anything when i can but for some reason i just like yeah i i mean i'm not like completely detached like i wouldn't want to hurt an animal or anything like that right right but i just like i just uh emotionally like i'm not all that connected with animals for some reason. Hmm. Hmm. No empathy, huh?

Part of the Soylent thing, though, is because I need to get back into not killing animals for meat. I've got to get back into that type of thing. I fucking love meat so much, man. Everybody does. It's delicious. It's great. I fall off the wagon now and again. Now and again. Yeah, I can definitely respect your vegetarianism because a lot of vegetarians think meat is disgusting.

There's nothing noble in avoiding something you think is disgusting. Yeah. Me, I don't eat shit. I find it disgusting. Right, yeah, exactly. Well, it's a lot easier for you if you find it gross. No, I'm not going to sit here and lie to your face that bacon isn't delicious. Yeah.

That was my problem the whole time I was a vegetarian. It was like, I want it so bad. I would pretend that cheese was meat all the time. Yeah, and then working at restaurants, too. When I worked at Paper Moon, we'd pre-cook, halfway cook all the bacon. So in the morning, you just literally have 90 pieces of bacon cooking on the grill, and it smells phenomenal. One thing to consider, though, is that rat probably tortured a whole bunch of other little animals in its lifetime. That's a good call.

See, I didn't know the wound either. It might have gotten in a fight with a rat. I think the neighbors. It might have been killing a whole village of gophers. I'm like, well, let's just nurse it back to health. This tyrant gets a second chance at life. That is actually kind of a decent pro-meat

argument. All those animals that are on the farm, they'd probably be out killing other animals if they weren't there. Cows? I don't think a cow. Would cows even exist if we didn't eat them? I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, how did they exist in the wild? They seem to have no

chance against any predator. I think they how did they exist in the wild? They seem to have no chance against any predator. I think they were like something else in the wild. Like they were bred into... Right. And maybe like the bulls defended a herd or something. I don't think they were... I think they were like a different... Just like dogs, they were like completely different before they were domesticated.

Right. That shit doesn't make any sense to me. I'm sure we've discussed this before. What's that? Like how dogs exist. Magnets? We're going to talk about magnets? No, like poodles.

How do they work? You're telling me like wolves, they like bred wolves so much that they turned into poodles? Chihuahuas. In like just the last 2,000 years? Like, come on. Maybe even, it's got to be more than 2,000. Yeah, maybe. Man's probably domesticated dogs for like a few thousand times.

Well, right. I mean, the planet's been here for 6,000 years. So, I mean. Noah's Ark, I think, was 4,000. Right. So, like, maybe that's when the domestication started. Probably. Right.

Probably after the water subsided. So, I think they used them to herd the dinosaurs. Yeah. Yeah, like I saw a thing on bulldogs, what they look like now. Like, they do, even when bulldogs were first a dog, they looked completely different. They were more of like this, you know, just kind of like a fat mess with a huge underbite. They were like these kind of sturdy dogs, full of muscle.

And then they're like, oh, it's cute with its underbite. And then just from breeding and breeding and breeding, and now it's just basically these globs that want to die you know as much as much as a darwin science type of guy i am i don't really get evolution like it doesn't really make a lot of sense to me i get it you know what i heard somebody say at the uh we got to wrap this up soon what time do you want to cvp at nine uh yes five minutes. They can be late, though. They always start late. Okay. What was I going to say?

Oh, I overheard at the gym this woman talking to another woman, these broads. Right. She goes, I just have too much faith to believe in evolution. You said it, sister. I fucked her brain. How is faith not the worst idea ever? I believe it was the Limp Bizkit that said, you got to have faith. I don't understand faith at all.

Isn't that just basically saying everything I want to come true will come true? Yeah. But there are studies, too, that people that pray and like actually believe it they get that placebo yeah i know that's that's a whole nother talk show but like that's that's something i've actually kind of been studying lately it's like like it's pretty clear that humans whatever humans like survived whatever like evolutionary bottlenecks that produced what we are today yeah we're heavily relying upon spiritual beliefs yeah well i think it just shows how powerful our brains are just of what you perceive things to be and then what it

becomes yeah imagination i mean we've got so much imagination yeah or like um i remember i saw something on uh it was like a pbs documentary on uh buddhist monks and i might have talked about this before but they they would do a thing where they would get naked, and then they would be like... Did they play the naked song during it? Yeah, it was Methods of Mayhem. They put on Methods of Mayhem. No, they got naked, and it was like the middle of winter or something like that. Either way, they would get really fucking cold.

So they would get naked, and then they would put on Get Naked, they would get naked, and then they would get these freezing cold towels. Towels that were in cold water and put them on their backs, and then they would meditate, and they would think about being in the hottest place possible. And then as they're sitting in a circle meditating, all of a sudden steam, like tons of steam is just pouring off of these guys just because they believe that they're so hot.

I'd maybe believe that, but I'd kind of be skeptical. It was a PBS documentary from like the mid-90s. It wasn't like green screened. Yeah, I know, but still, like, why? I would be kind of, well, number one, I think it would probably steam no matter what. Yeah, but not a lot. Right. I mean, if I got you naked right now put a freezing cold

yeah which is possible which is possible the way things are moving if i got you naked and put a freezing cold towel on you i don't think heat would billow off of you the way it was these guys they were like smokestacks these fellas um i don't know well first of all no that would not happen how do we don't really know that though first of all, that would not happen. We don't really know that, though. Maybe that's something that happens. Like, maybe you do get all steamy, like, when you're covered in, when you're, like, hot. I don't know. Okay, fine.

Maybe you're right. But I would want to look a little further into a story like that. Of course. I mean, but, you know, what I'm saying is in the vein of something you already agreed with, of saying, like, stuff that you tend to believe. I'm not saying, like, somebody that has cancer would be like, well, I don't have cancer because I believe it. But stuff that you tend to believe i'm not saying like somebody that has cancer would be like well i don't have cancer because i believe it but stuff you actually wholeheartedly believe you know like placebo is almost like real magic honestly like that's something like if you told me that that existed i'd be like that's the stupidest thing i've ever

heard of there's no way but it's real it's true it's real yeah so i mean people have done that of like curing themselves of things or being in medical trials with a placebo and then thinking it's working. Yeah. So, apparently, like, the human race is, like, pretty much everybody that has survived, like, the evolution of humans has the placebo effect. Like, we're just, like, made to have that. Yeah. And maybe that is an evolutionary thing. Like, all right, if I can trick myself, I can survive.

Yeah. You know. It makes sense to me well yeah i don't that's a whole nother thing but that's that's like well a whole nother thing than what like we have one subject for the show yeah but that's something that needs to be talked about more at length than the 45 seconds i have left okay well let's let's wrap it up here um i'm glad that we got a chance to clear the air. I love you to death.

You too, man. You're my best friend. You too. And follow me on Twitter. I don't want to sound heartless, but follow me on Twitter. I'm on Twitter and Instagram. I'm at BetterRobotJosh. I'm at FuckMikeMiranda. Yep.

Got a new Twitter name, guys. I love you, man. But okay. So follow me at at fuck like Miranda. And if you have any comments on this episode, hashtag it. Hashtag. Hashtag. Fuck Miranda.

OK, thank you. Great episode. Hashtag. Fuck Miranda. Yeah. Follow us on Twitter. I'm at Better Robot Josh. The podcast is at Dig Sesh Pod.

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