The Digression Sessions - Ep. 12 Pouty Vikings w/ Mike Storck

Episode Date: November 23, 2011

Hola, Digheads! We are back from baron lands of guestlessness. And we discovered the oasis that is the international comedian Mike Storck on our voyage home. Hawt topics in this episode include, but are not limited too: the closing of the C&C Music Factory, taking 16 No Dos at one time, burlesque, stunt asses, stunt feces, Baltimore accents, influence of acid while working at an old folk's home, Crazy Larry's!, comedy on cruise ships, open mics, Canada, and etc…,,,, For all things Mike Storck go to - http://mikestorck.com/v2/      and @mikestorck Like our facebook page and send us an email! [e-mail] @jkuderna @michaelmoran10

Wait, before you start it... Do you know this one? Sounds familiar. Sounds familiar. Is my mic on? Can you hear me? Yeah. Da-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da. What is that?

I kinda like it. I feel like this is in Blade or something. This is too, I kind of like it. I feel like this is in Blade or something. This is too, like, happy for Blade. Nah. What's, like, that dance sequence they had in the beginning? I haven't really seen Blade. Oh. But you know it's not good enough for Blade.

I just could not picture this in Blade. But you've never seen it. Right. I've tried to watch some of it. What if I told you this is Wesley Snipes' personal soundtrack? Wesley Snipes should be one of these guys. He should put it out on an album like this and speak over it and be like, Riddles, control the beat.

Don't pay your taxes. The IRS is fake. No shirt, glow sticks. Yeah, yeah, totally. Black sunglasses that he pulls off several times. Fucking sandstorm. Literally. Black sunglasses that he pulls off several times. Oh, oh. Fucking sandstorm. That's what this song is, by the way.

Is that what it's called, or is that the artist? The song is called Sandstorm. I thought it was the artist. You're like, fucking sandstorm. It does amaze me when groups like that can make instrumental music that's still really catchy. What's that? No lyrics. Right. No vocals. It's like that can make instrumental music that's still really catchy. What's that? Like, non... No lyrics.

Right. No vocals. That's what I was saying about the CNC Music Factory. It's like, we don't need the lyrics. Right. You know what I mean? It's like, nobody's listening. You know what I mean?

Right. Like, when they're in the studio, the guy's like, man, I can't wait to lay down my verse. The rest of the band's like, yeah, that'll be cool, Richard. Right. We're going to go get some coffee. He's like, all right, you're going to lay down my verse that's the band's like yeah that'll be cool richard right uh we're gonna go get some coffee he's like all right you're gonna miss this killer verse what does he say like what's his first thing gotta have it gotta move it gonna move to a nut or something getting a nut i'm just i'm just a scroll trying to get a nut i don't know let's find out the most x-rated part of that song as far as i can tell um i think maybe he did coin that phrase what's that squirrel i'm just a squirrel trying i feel like that's got

to be something in the 70s like hey groovy mama i'm just a squirrel trying to get but calling it a nut didn't really happen until like easy right you think easy invented well i think he popularized it i don't know I don't know. Like bust a nut? I'm thinking bust a nut had to be around for a while. Really? That doesn't sound like a 70s phrase to me. I'm pretty sure it's in the Bible.

Thou shalt not bust a nut on an animal. It is detestable. Even if it is your sister's pet, thouou shall not bust one nut. And he begat unto them a busted nut. Abraham begat his nut. I found the song on Wikipedia. I have to grab

my giant beer. I'll be right back. Alright. Are we not recording? Are we? No, he's lying. Although he does sometimes like to sneak some pre-show banter in background and writing let's see if that has the rappers performed by freedom williams ah free will and the vocal everybody dance now by disco house music

artist martha wash so everybody dance now that That was her. Right. The original music video features Zelma Davis lip syncing to the actual Martha Walsh vocal parts. Walsh perturbed by the fact that her image had been labeled unmarketable due to her girth. Oh, I think I knew about this. Remember this? Remember this? Yeah. She, like, sued.

So, successfully sued to receive proper credit. Yeah, I remember seeing this on MTV News. Yeah. Oh, yeah. MTV News. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. They did like, do-do-do-do-do-do. They played the Megadeth bass line.

Oh, yeah. That's right. Do you remember Sway? It's like, what's up, world? I'm Sway. Do you remember Brian McFadden? I met him. Brian McFadden.

He was like later era. Oh, that's true. After Kurt Loder and Tabitha Soren. Is he a white dude? Yeah. Young guy. Blonde hair. Yeah.

I know who you're talking about. What was his name again? Brian McFadden. I met him at the Metallica concert in like 2000 at the Ravens Stadium. Thank you. Did you get his autograph? No. I was completely trashed though. Did you get his autograph? No. I was completely trashed, though.

What did you do? Carson! Carson Daly! What the fuck, dude? No, I just joked around with him and shit, probably in a semi-obnoxious way. You ever titty-fucked Jennifer Love Hewitt? I would.

No, I did say something about Tabitha Soren, and he responded with something about her tits. Yeah. Where's Kurt Loder? Alright, I found gonna make you sweat lyrics. What the fuck? I'm going to make you sweat.

That's that. Gonna make you sweat. Shouldn't they be called Everybody Dance Now? Or like Everybody Parenthesized Dance Now. Oh, here it goes. Everybody Dance Now. Everybody Dance Now. Everybody Dance Now.

Everybody Dance Now. I hope they wrote it down that many times, too. It goes on like that for a while. Then it gets to da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da. Wait. Da-da-da. Da-da-da. Is someone actually saying dot there?

That's what it has here on the lyric. It's probably like back in the background. Dot, dot, dot. Everybody dance now. Give me the music. All right. Here. This is the first lines that the dude has.

Here is the dome. Back with the bass. Boom. What happened? Come back here, you cocksucker. Here is the dome. Back with the bass. I don't remember that part in the song. Here is the bass. Boom. What happened? Come back here, you cocksucker. Here is the dome back with the bass. Wait, I don't remember that part in the song. Here is the dome back with the bass.

Get back here, cocksucker. Yeah. Here is the dome back with the bass. The jam is live and effective. I don't waste time on the mic with a dope rhyme. Just to the rhythm. Jump, jump to the rhythm. I don't waste time on the mic with a dope rhyme.

Oh, yeah. It's always dope this. Shouldn't it be I? I waste tons of time with dope rhymes on. Jump, jump to the rhythm. I don't waste time on the mic with a dope rhyme. Oh, yeah. It's always dope this. Shouldn't it be I? I waste tons of time with dope rhymes on. Yeah, exactly. The jam is live in effect, and I don't waste time on the mic with a dope rhyme. Okay, so there's a period after waste time. Nope.

A comma? Semicolon. They got nothing as far as punctuation here, So that's, I guess, up to interpretation. If you could imagine he says, I don't waste. He left it ambiguous on purpose. I want Blood Bowl as a tricky lyricist. It's like Shutter Island. Like, you can believe, you know.

You decide for yourself, exactly. All my raps to be like, choose your own adventures. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it's like Inception. You make up your own ending to this movie on the mic with a dope rhyme yeah it could be that he doesn't waste time on the mic with a dope rhyme that's what i'm saying or it doesn't make any sense he doesn't waste time period on the mic with the mic with a dope rhyme right we really should be recording this we are recording oh. Oh, we are?

Yeah, we've been recording everything. I told you guys that like nine times. I thought you were joking. Mike goes, are we recording? It's like, yeah. And you're like, no, he's just kidding. Okay. All right.

Well, that's all the time we have, Mike. I appreciate it. I can't believe we just wasted however long talking about C&C Music Factory. I don't waste my time. I'm just talking about the dope rhyme about C&C Music Factory. I don't waste my time talking about the dope rhyme from C&C Music Factory. Let's talk about something of substance. A lot of people got laid off from that C&C Music Factory. That's how Michael Moore did a documentary about it. Yeah.

Michael Moore. A documentary about the closing of the C&C Music Factory. In Muckanucka, Wisconsin. All these grizzled people just going to the bar. Fucking CNC fucked us all. Including that girth woman. I used to make dope rhymes. Now look at me.

That's all I know how to do. Outsource my rhymes to India, those sons of bitches. Now I work at Pizza Hut. Like working in a factory is all that great anyway. That's what I don't understand. It's still a job. Yeah, but you can find another factory job, can't you? No, the factory industry is dying, bro.

Are you talking about the music factory industry? Well, that too. CNC factory. What was the one that they always had in the mail it's like the catalog for cds wasn't that a factory the columbia music where you sit at columbia music house yeah there's like 18 cds for a penny yeah how did that work exactly i think if it was a scam yeah i think if i think it was that you would get like your first album for a penny right and then they would bill you like you know 20 bucks a month or something and every month you would get your first album for a penny, and then they would bill you $20 a month or something.

And every month you would get three albums, whether you liked it or not. And you would get charged. Everybody dance now. The remix. Christmas edition. Jamaican roster. Christmas edition. Everybody dance.

I remember there being a slew of Macarena releases that were all like Christmas mix and stuff like that. With like jingle bells in the background. Yeah, probably. You should look that up. What was that group called that sang the Macarena? It was like two old men. Yeah, it was like two old guys.

It really was. The video was so creepy. Just guys in suits. Just like, hey. Bags all like arthritic. Gray hair. Like gross skin. They're just surrounded by a bunch of chicks.

They're wearing three-piece suits. I sell pork sandwiches and cocaine. Hey, Macarena. All right. So I guess we've started the show already. I guess so. Unless you're still pulling one. No, no, no.

We're definitely recording. Okay. All right. Well, if anybody's even listening at this point. God bless them. They're like, scout CNC music back. I got better shit to do than listen to this crap. We're the only podcast out there talking about CNC factory.

I doubt that. Have you heard of C&C Cast? Do they break down the lyrics like we do? Just like, was there a comma there? I don't know. What do you think is intentional? Today we'll be discussing the second verse of Everybody Dance Now. Hey, how you doing?

Hi. Hi, Amanda. Come say hi. Let's take a break for the lady. Break, break, break. Listen, I love that. That's one of our hot segments.

Who's digging in their ass now? Can you tell? And now it's time for this week's installment of Who's Digging in Their Ass? Dig! Dig! Dig! Digression Sessions! That's why we're called Digression Sessions. Dig Session. Oh, yeah. Hot Dig Session. I didn't take my Adderall today either,

so I will be especially add which leads to lots of digressions and that oh that's good if you think that adderall is what you do in math class you might be a redneck if you was it somebody had a bit it was like you might be a – oh, it was Preston, Brian Preston. Oh, yeah. You might be a child molester. What is it like? The only one I remember he says is,

if you refer to the back of your van as the ball pit, you might be a child molester. But the burlesque thing, like, I it's kind of like like like you guys been to like night of a thousand elvises or anything like that uh no i've heard of it it's like weird shit you know it's like i think after a while it's like for me like i get uh you know it's like you know how many times you're gonna go out to a fucking bar right or go see a band or whatever and you're just like yeah yeah you want to see something different yeah you can only take so many drugs to make it

like different you know yeah so it's like you hit a point where it's like i want something it's the most depressing thing you can only fucking do so much crack cocaine right heroin and before you reach the end of your rope blur out pain. Wake up next to the bum with a taste of gun oil in your mouth. Got a callus on the roof of your mouth from a gun. Callus on the roof of your mouth. You say, I want to see some titties swing in a clockwise circle, you know. Pick me up out of this dark, damp hole. You get tuberculosis from living in a dark hole.

Tuberculosis. That's my favorite burlesque dancer. Tuberculosis. Miss tuberculosis. That's the thing, though. It's like if you get, like, fucked up and you go to, like, something like a burlesque show. Yeah. Or, like, something that's just fucking, like, different and, like, right out there.

They're fun, too. Yeah. Because there's that whole, like, teasing element and then, like, the songs. It's more, it holds your attention more than just a girl, like, dancing around naked. Yeah, there's a more fun element where it's not, I mean, it is, like. Yeah, it's sexual. There's definitely a sexual element to it, but it's more, like, tongue-in-cheek kind of fun. Right, right, yeah.

It's more, like, respectful towards the women, probably. Like, sort of. Especially, like, when you, like, you think about, like, all the shit that you can, I mean, you can literally, like, anybody, any kid, anybody can get on their computer. Right. In five minutes have, you know, not just pictures, but, like, live video. Not even five minutes. Of anything you want. Of girls.

Well, I'm figuring for the streaming and the buffering and stuff. Well, you've got a good connection. People shitting on each other's faces while a guy's jerking off in the girl's eye socket. And what's the dressed for this? Yeah. But you know what I mean? My uncle was an extra in that, actually. What's that?

My uncle was an extra in that video. That's true. He was wanking off in the closet number two. Yeah, he was. That was actually his shit. Yeah. Didn't get credited for it, though. But, yeah.

He's like the girl in the Everybody Dance now. Your girth is unmarketable. He's involved in a class action lawsuit. I'd like to say more, but he's a lawyer. That was my excrement. They put in another ass. They shoved his feces up that guy's ass. Stunt turd um but it does it seems like there is like a uh new wave of like

50 like like vintage kind of erotica you know what i mean like uh uh pinup girls type stuff suicide girls right yeah yeah which i think is kind of good you know like kind of uh you know i think it's like hot and like not in a demeaning way you know it's like something oh that style of pornography yeah it's like yeah more classy than like celebrating the ladies versus like demeaning type stuff jerking off on their face and punching them in the eye right yeah but in a classy way right in a classy way with a white glove right you have your as long as you have your pinky out while you jack off on a

girl's face, it's fine. You're classy. That's what separates us from the animals. As you go, my lady.

And you have a monocle on. That helps, too. That's instant class. I do believe I'm going to ejaculate on your face.

Oh, Baba. Call her love a few times. Love, dear. Huh? More? Love, you know, kind of like. Oh, this is love. Hello, love.

Yeah. I'm going to ejaculate on your face. Perhaps after that we can go get some fish and chips. Come on now. Who the hell's eating fish and chips? Don't be coy. And why? Fish and chips, it's like coy Don't be puss Fish and chips

It's like Chips are fries right? Accent was slipping there on the end No I was actually I actually realized I was still doing the accent It was like Sliding kind of like a Baltimore thing

Actually you know what's The Baltimore accent If you ever listen to somebody That's got like that thick cockney Same shit It's very close Oh no Yeah Is that where it comes from cockney? Same shit. It's very close. Oh, no.

Yeah. Is that where it comes from, you think? I think so. Yeah. Some Baltimore accents are so bad it almost sounds British. Right. Traditionally, Baltimore is kind of an Irish city, though, isn't it? It's Irish and German.

I don't know if you know this, Mike, but there's a large black population in Baltimore. Get out of here. What? Show me your facts on that one. This is true. This is true. Wow. Is it 70%? Black Irish?

No, Baltimore is 70% black. No, I'm just kidding. Yeah. Black Irish. Is it really 70? Yeah. Well, 68, I think. Really?

Wow. But yeah, Baltimore, because Baltimore or Maryland was a Catholic colony. Right. And so that's why you had a lot of German and Irish and Italian immigrants coming here, because, you know, everywhere else, if you're Catholic, you couldn't get a job. Nobody would hire you. How could they even tell? I mean, can't you just lie about being Catholic?

What separates you from being Catholic? I had no idea. There's so few differences between, like, Protestants and Catholicism. So, Mr. Seamus McCurdy. Oh, no, I'm not Catholic. What if you're German or Italian? What's the other thing? You're a Catholic.

That's so weird. Do you think there's any anti-Catholicism in America today that you can think of? Oh, yeah. Like Lutheran shit all over Catholics. Really? Do you know anyone that's been discriminated against for being Catholic? Yeah. Well, the Klan doesn't like Catholics.

Yeah, but the Klan isn't really that prominent of a force anymore. It's not like they're like, let's go to Cecil County. Did you know the biggest Klan population is in Pennsylvania, actually? I think I've heard that before. Pennsylvania should be in the south. What are they doing up here? Dude, it's fucking... Pennsylvania?

I mean, honestly, you go to North Carolina, you're like... Yeah, this is like New England. Yeah, there are people wearing polos and fucking North Face jackets and shit. I feel like North Carolina should be in the north and Florida. West Virginia and Pennsylvania should be in the south. Yeah. Right? Especially Pennsylvania, though.

Pennsylvania is worse than West Virginia. You think so? Yeah. Yeah, because it's funny because you'll see Confederate flags on pickup trucks. And I'm like, all right, so this dude either failed geography or history because technically we're north of the Mesa. Well, you don't have to live in the area that you. Well, he can't really have that defense either. He's like, it's a southern.

Ah, shit. Yeah, that's very true. That's very true. You can't be like, I'm celebrating my culture and heritage. It's heritage, not hate. No, it's mostly hate. Well, it's mostly. Yeah, you're like, buddy, you know, you're not in the south. Yeah, I knew that. It's more's mostly hate. Well, it's mostly... You're like, buddy, you know you're not in the South.

Yeah, I knew that. It's more about the hate part. I ain't stupid. I got a lot of hate, for sure. I'm not living in Germany, but I got this swastika tattooed on my arm. Swastika's heritage, not hate. That's usually the argument, though, isn't it?

Adolf Hitler's stepkids in upstate New York. Well, that's West Virginia, actually. You know the story behind that? West Virginia actually seceded from Virginia because they wanted to be in the north, right?

That's weird that they didn't agree with the slavery thing. That doesn't seem right to me. What do you mean? That they were against slavery? Yeah. West Virginia was actually more progressive, I guess. Really?

But what was West Virginia like back then? Same as it is now, pretty much. There's a few less gas stations. But you're telling me that West Virginia is more progressive than Virginia in the modern day? They were.

There's a little bit more meth and a lot less slavery. Because you figure you had coal mining, right? You had a lot of Irish immigrants. So it was people who probably couldn't afford slaves anyway. Right. And it's all fucking coal mining and shit. There's no plantation stuff going on out there. Right.

But like Virginia, you look at Virginia, and it's like peanuts, cotton, fucking tobacco. Tobacco all over the place. Tobaccy. Yeah. I like West Virginia. I haven't traveled there too much, but my cousin used to live there.

It's quite nice. It is wild and wonderful. Apparently meth is a big problem in West Virginia. Yeah, and in Virginia, too, the more rural parts, like around where I grew up. How does meth become an attractive option to someone? What adult does crack or heroin for the first time thinking, like, I'll just give this a shot? That's my thing about heroin. This might be a good idea for me.

Give it a whirl. Heroin. Try new things. Has anyone ever heard a good story about heroin? Like, you like you're like me and my buddies did heroin last night it was so fun i do i do have friends that have like dabbled in that stuff a little bit and like come out fine but it's like horrible but it's touch and go i mean like the smoking pot stories are fun because you're like oh we watched a movie and we laughed and ate pizza and then tripping. I can see the appeal in that, but every time you hear a heroin

story, they always end with I sold everything I had. I'm still chasing dragons. Dude, I sold so much stuff to the Paul job. I'm so miserable right now. I'm just saying, man, if you want to go score, that'd be great. I'm shooting up just so I don't

throw up. I don't even get high anymore, man. That's how much shit I do. I haven't had a bowel movement in days. I just want to not feel horrible. Yeah, so that's what I mean. How somebody's like, I'll give heroin a shot. Everybody else seems to be enjoying themselves a little bit.

Maybe it's a progression. You do coke or something, and it's like, ah. Personality type, too. I think we've all known people that like you know they were just about getting fucked right yeah like just any means a lot of like deadhead types i think i have friends that used to huff air freshener right you know all kinds of shit i tried some pretty wacky stuff in high school yeah robitussin and stuff yeah oh how how'd that go? Where you just drank a whole bottle? Robo-tripping? Yeah. It's just...

Yeah. It's disgusting. I vomited a lot. Oh, really? A lot. But I also tripped pretty hard. Yeah. What was your trip like?

Were you hallucinating? Mildly. Mildly. Mildly. It was... I remember it being somewhat fun once I was not sick, but not... You know how acid and stuff and like shrooms those make you feel good they don't just make you trip they make you feel like high you feel a little giddy and giggly at

first this was more like you know just medicated like right that's what it seems seems like you're just kind of out of it right yeah like super drowsy but yeah i remember i can't look back on those memories without feeling a little nauseous and right i had a friend he he rode my bus in uh it was either when we were ninth grade or eighth grade i think and uh he was robo tripping on the way home from school and we got to his stop and he i was looking i was like oh let's see you later he's like no i can't get up are you crazy he was tripping so hard he just got off at a later stop like they stopped for his house and then he just had to get off the bus at a later point. It's like, okay, I'll see you later.

I had a friend that dropped acid. We were working at this nursing home, and he was a dishwasher in the kitchen, and he dropped three hits of red lips acid. At work? At work. work washing dishes those guys always like me out right like do drugs at work like and of all the jobs it's like if you were like i don't know working at blockbuster all right that's not gonna be any job even a blockbuster you got the washing dishes and like that hot steam and you're scraping half-eaten food off the plate. From old people.

From old people, right? It's disgusting. Pieces of corn that have been gummed into mush. Yeah. Right? And then you're wearing those big yellow rubber gloves with steam and pieces of French fry flying up and sticking to your sweaty forehead. Maybe that's his thing, man. And you're going to do acid.

Three hits of acid, not just one. Three. I was like, dude, you're out of your mind. So what happened? He got fired. They knew he was fucked up. He broke so many dishes that night. Really? And they just stared at him for hours. This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I get it, man.

Every like ten minutes or so, you'd hear... God damn it! Fucking shit! Why is the universe against me? Yeah, he was... Man, I wonder what he's up to now. Doing acid washing dishes.

He's like doing acid at his accounting job now. Dropping files on the floor. God damn it. Got to amortize the loan. He's like a judge. Oh, your face. If you can make your face turn nine more colors, you're free to go.

You're totally free. You're reading my thoughts right now, aren't you? You know what, man? We're all free, actually. This is horse shit. You're free. And you're free't you You know what man we're all free actually This is horse shit you're free and you're free This whole system Is just crazy because humans Cannot be contained anyway Hey man

I'm not going to put you in a cage man Just promise me you will You will find yourself Promise me I would tell you that you're free to go But really I think that's your choice But if you haven you that you're free to go. But really, I think that's your choice. But if you haven't realized you're free yet, you're already a slave, man. You ain't going nowhere.

All right. Peace out, brothers. I'm going to ride a tiger into Jupiter. Goodbye. And then he just turns into a laser. Everybody stands up. I got to turn into a beam of energy. I'm out.

Yeah, doing drugs in a public setting like that, like especially hallucinogens, seems utterly terrifying to me. Yeah, I don't know if I had any experience. He took acid at Golden Ring Mall once. Oh, wow. Acid in a mall seems like a terrible, terrible idea. Yeah, it was.

I'll tell you what else. A whole box of no-dose. At the same time he did that? No, I did that. Okay. I remember taking it. It was like 14 or 16 pills, I think. That was a bad idea.

What do they recommend you take with those? Two at a time? One. One. One, I think, was equivalent to, like, four. He did 16 times the recommended dose. He still hasn't slept. No, it was me.

I'm the one that took all that. Yeah. You haven't slept in 20 years. I actually didn't sleep for, it was, like, three or four days. Oh, my God, really? It was awful. I was hallucinating. What about, like, right in the beginning?

Did you feel like your heart was going to beat out of you? Oh, I thought I was going to die. Yeah, like heart attack. Because my friends, like, I was making myself throw up. Like, you know at Golden Ring Mall, like, where the food court is, right? oh i thought yeah like heart attack my friends like i i was making myself throw up like you know at golden ring mall like where the food court is right you're talking about golden ring mall like it's existed in the last 15 years is that anything in towson no white marshmallow white marshmallow um yeah with the carousel and stuff yeah the white marsh where it like funnels in

right and there's the steps and it used to be like Bolo on the Beach was on the right. I forget what's on the left. But yeah, I was in those bushes to the side, to the steps. And I was making my... This is funny, actually. So I had taken all this no-dos, right? Because we couldn't get any good drugs or anything. And it's just like, well, fuck it.

This is... Better eat 16 of these. It's a drug. That's how I was in high school. Yeah. Just fucking something. Right. Jesus Christ.

So anyway, so like I realized I'd made a grave mistake and I'm like, I got to get this shit out of my system. So my heart's going. Yeah. So this my buddy Tim was trying to talk to these girls. While you're vomiting in the bushes. Right. And so Tim and Sean are talking to these girls.

And they're like, so what's going on? And I look like a fucking dirtbag, circle jerk, skate punk. Right. And I'm like, like shoving my finger down my throat and throwing up in the bushes. And all I heard was one of them goes, like Tim or Sean goes, so, like, you know, could I get your number? And this is all I hear in between me heaving, and I hear one of the girls go, what's wrong with your friend?

Whose legs are sticking out of the bushes, throwing up. I thought it was a picture of you just, like, coming out of the bushes, up i tell this picture you just like coming out the bushes wiping your mouth who's your friend i need to get to a ladies which one of you ladies would like to drive me to the hospital i got a hot date at the er if you want to jerk me off on the ride over that's your choice that's cool i won't i won't blame you. Oh, shit. Yeah, it was bad. But one dude's mom was a nurse. She was the one that picked us up from the mall. She took my pulse, and my heart rate was, like, way the fuck.

It was like. Why did you take your pulse? Did you tell her you were on? I told her. Because, dude, I was freaking the fuck out, man. So you were, like, confessing? Yeah. Dude, I took 16 fucking pills of caffeine right

you know i'm like right i'm like i'm gonna die like right like i was literally like like i think i need to we need to go to the hospital right i'm gonna fucking die yeah and so she i told what we told her was that i drank like two pots of coffee or something you know i'm not gonna tell her like oh you eat a whole box of fucking no-dose right right so um so she took my pulse and it was like you know say like a normal heart rate's like 95 or something mine was like 160 or something holy it was like it was like way yeah you know it was like you know almost double any like any higher and it would it i'd be dead. And so my parents called poison control and all that shit. And I just kept trying to throw up.

And they thought you were on coffee this whole time? No, I told them. I said I took a whole bunch of no-dos. And they're like, what the fuck did you do that for? And I'm like, because I'm stupid. 15 and I'm dumb. Yes, you are quite stupid. It all makes sense now put this dunce hat on and throw up yeah so to this day like I refuse to take any kind of

caffeine pills or any of that kind of shit yeah that ax alert yeah do you remember a drink a few years ago called frappio you could get like get at the gas station it was like kind of shit. Yeah. Do you remember a drink a few years ago called Frappio? You could get it at the gas station. It was kind of part of the energy drink craze. Nope. It was really bizarre. It had some herb or something in it that just made you feel weird. It was so weird. Like guarana.

Yeah, something like that. I remember I took it. I drank one, and I felt like I was having a panic attack or something. It was really strange. I remember the first energy drink I ever had. It felt like I was doing something wrong. It was one of those giant cans, like the monster cans before Monster was around. And it was called Crazy Larry's.

The only energy drink that was around before that I think was like Jolt. It looked like it was a Japanese thing. Something you'd see. Like, Crazy Larry! Right. The can. Sketchy Russian energy drink.

Crazy. Larry's crazy. He making pub. You drink. Like a blank white can. Well, the can's like either bright red or bright blue, depending on the flavor that you want. But Crazy Larry is a skeleton with two strands of hair going crazy. And he's wearing a tuxedo that's ripped, and he's holding dynamite. And it was like, Crazy Larry's. So it's the same thing when you're 16.

You're just like, we should drink these. Yeah, right. It's good. Yeah. And I'm holding this giant can, and then you start shaking. You're like, should we be doing this? Like, we might. Yeah.

Guys. The whole time, I just picture, like, crazy. I gotta go clean my house. I just picture Crazy Larry going down my throat like, I'm Crazy Larry. He's punching me in the head. Throwing dynamite. Mom, Dad, I tried Crazy Larry's. You're dead.

What? We didn't raise you this way. Meanwhile, there's like a dancing Russian. Like a fur coat. You are never going to sleep. You never sleep. You're never going to sleep. I blow up hearts. Your parents get David Crosby on the phone.

What do we do? Talk me down. We've all done Crazy Larry, Josh. It's okay. The important thing is that you admit that you've done Crazy Larry. It's like... Just come back to the lake. David Crosby.

Wasn't that Lionel Hutz's sponsor? Yeah. Of The Sim back to the lake. David Crosby. Um, what was that? Lionel Hudson sponsor. Yeah. The Simpsons. Yeah. Lionel Hudson. He calls David Crosby. He goes,

David, I'm really feeling tempted. He goes, I love you, man. He's like, I love you too, David.

Sweet, delicious, perfect. I can't believe it's not a law firm. It's awesome. Or no, I can't believe it is a law firm. It's like, oh, they messed this all up. There's no punctuation here.

Oh, no, that's the one where they're getting it for free or something. It was like, free law advice. And then it was like, free? Law advice? Something like that. We can't smoke inside, right? No. No, I'm sorry. I see you holding that thing. Do you want smoke inside, right? No. No, I'm sorry.

I see you holding that thing. Do you want to take a break? Do you want to take a smoke break? Can we? Might kill the momentum of the podcast. Nah. I doubt that. I don't think so.

We're already at a nice... When we come back, we'll get to know Mike Stork a little more. He hasn't really told us anything. Yeah. Who is this character? Who is Mike Stork? When we come back. In essence.

The man that ate 16 no-dos. Let's get to the bottom of it. When we return on Digression Session. Firecrackers. Wait, wait. You ate firecrackers? No, I lit Ritz crackers. Probably seven packs of firecrackers.

I probably snorted like seven packs of Ritz crackers. I break them up, put a little peanut butter in there. I snorted gunpowder once. Wow. All right. We'll leave that for the break. Let's tease that. All right.

And we're back. Uh-huh. And we're back. We are back. Back from the break. Back from the smoke break. I think when we... This is back from the smoke break. Hi. Welcome to Titty Talk.

I'm Jacob Titty. Here's my co-host, Miles Boubet. Coming up next, we've got our special guest, Busty Mayhem. Oh, that'll be a real treat. I love it when he comes by. Yeah, that's great. Well, Mike Stork, I believe that's how you pronounce your last name. I knew it.

That's your real name. I knew it. I've known you for a long time, and I knew it. I've known you for 14 years, and I was pretty sure that's how it was. I was pretty sure that was your last name. Stork. Here we have Mike St was your last name. Struck. Here we have Mike Struck. Anyway, there he is.

I had an emcee once when I was in Rochester. He introduced me as a different guy every show. On purpose? No. Completely different name? Not even Mike? He didn't give a shit. He showed up one time wearing sweatpants shorts and a shirt with stains on it.

Sweatpants shorts? Yeah. The owner of the club was like fucking yelling at him. He was like, this is a goddamn comedy club. What the fuck is wrong with you? At least wear sweatpants, sir.

I'm running a business. Right. Please. Yeah, one night I was Matt Strom. Next night I was like Matt Storn. Minestrone. Minestrone. Mike Story. Mike Stone. Matt Stroke. Minestrone. Minestrone. Mike Story.

Mike Stone. Matt Stroke. Stroganoff. And Stroganoff. Stroganoff. Welcome to the stage. Beefy Mike Stroganoff. Beef Stroganoff, everybody.

All right. Mike, the beef Stroganoff. Where's the beef Stroganoff? He's coming to the stage. He sure is. Hey, forget about it. That's your old stick. Your beef Stroganoff. He's coming to the stage. It sure is. Hey, forget about it. That's your old shtick. Your beef stroganoff.

Hey, what's going on? It's got to be the beef. What's up? What's going on? I'm the beef stroganoff up here. Wear another jacket. Forget about it. What do you call a masturbating cow?

What? Beef stroganoff. Hey. Oh, man. That joke made me laugh so hard in middle school. And yesterday. The one night he introduced me as Mike Stroke, and the headliner's like, dude, what the fuck? Like, why don't you say something?

I'm like, dude, it doesn't matter. Nobody knows who I am. Nobody's going to fucking remember, you know? Right. But when he said Matt Stroke, I went up and I was like, hey, how about another hand for him? Talking out of one side. It's funny if you don't say that. You're just drooling into the mic.

Oh, shit. Doing a bunch of stroke and nurse-related humor. Right. Aren't you here when your nurse is changing your bedpan? I can't say the number between four and six. There's two of them. Fuck! Fuck.

All right, Mike Stork. Good times. Local comedian of the Baltimore area. International comedian. International comedian. He goes to Canada. Yeah. Oh.

I used to go to the Bahamas, but whatever. That was just for fun? That was just for fun? Nah, for comedy, but it sucked. Really? Were you a cruise boat comedian? I did that, too, but no, I did that for like six months, but. Did you really?

I didn't know that. It sucked. Yeah, yeah. They had this contest thing. It was called the Carnival Comedy Challenge. And I did it in Charlotte, and I won. So when you win, they give you a bunch of cruise ship work. Right.

And later on, like I say I won. I think I did the second or third one. But they would do it in different cities, right? But it got to the point where by the fourth or fifth one, they would give the winner one week of cruise work. Because some of the people that won really weren't good for the cruise ships. But yeah, I did it for six months or so. And it was good money, but the shows are awful. Just awful. Right.

Like, just awful. Like, they were just the dumbest. Right. I'm picturing the fattest people alive wheeling in on rascals with Hawaiian T-shirts. Oh, yeah. Air tanks behind them. Well, it was, like, and I joke about it, like, you know, in, like, act and shit. But, like, it's not so much that they were old.

It's just that Carnival is, like, the cheapest cruise the so it's like the southwest of the sea yeah it's like mcdonald's you know it's like you know it's like every other cruise stand up at mcdonald's yeah you know and it's so by default notice how the mcrib is delicious come on everybody yeah throw in a bunch of promotions right Right. Man, I can't. All this laughter has got me in the mood for a nice shamrock shake. After a show, I like to kick back and enjoy a Fribble.

Fribble? What's up with that name? I mean, who cares? It's delicious. You got a milkshake and you got a Fribble. What's the fucking difference? I still don't know. Ronald McDonald? Tell me he's not molesting the Fry Kids.

Right? You know what I'm talking about. But, yeah, it was all right. Right. But, yeah, it's just, you know, it's like you can only think so dumb, you know? Right. It's like you would. Speak for yourself. Yeah, you know? Right. It's like you would... Speak for yourself.

Yeah, really. Come on. What is the deal with peanuts? I like turtles. Turtles are cool. Turtles are cool. Yeah. But, yeah, I don't know.

So I stopped doing the cruise ships. It was kind of, you know... I couldn't imagine that would be a fun situation. Yeah, because you spend so much time traveling, and then you get to the ship, and then you've got to do the shows, and you're just exhausted. And then you go on stage, and the sound of 1,200 people not laughing is fucking deafening. Right. I mean, jokes that I had that are fucking bullet laughing. Right. Fucking deafening. You know, like, I mean, like, like jokes that I had that are like fucking bulletproof,

right. You know, like the joke is written to work. Like it doesn't, you know, like you can deliver it wrong. It'll still work. You can be tired.

It'll still work. Like, it's just, you know, that classic sort of writing style. And I would do like jokes like that to try to pull myself out of the hole. And they would just stare at me. You just dig deeper.

And, like, how do you not get that? Like, that joke, it's, like, the easiest joke that I've got. And they just stare at you and you're just like, fuck, like, you know. Yeah, I had one situation like that, not with 1,200 people. And I still don't know what what it was you know right like where i was doing like my stuff that always gets laughter and people were just staring at me and it was total crickets yeah yeah it's weird like some crowds just get off the bus and you're just like what the fuck happened right you know like that like i did a joke the other night like

and i know what happened but like it's like you you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I hit this one joke. And, yeah, it was a little, like, whatever. But, like, it's basically, like, the pocket pussy, you know, the fake vagina, you know. And I bought one of these girls. I mean, I don't know. What? They make those?

This girl's like, she's like, that's not, it's never going to be the same as a real woman. And I'm like, yeah, no shit. Like, no matter how hard. That's not what they advertise. Like, pocket pussy. Just like a real woman. Nobody don't need females anymore. Right.

And guess what, guys? I was like, yeah, no matter how hard I try, the pocket pussy's not going to cry when I put a hot screwdriver to it. Right. And you didn't win the crowd over the crowd fucking just bailed they were just like nope we're out i was like okay you told her you're gonna murder her pretty much no yeah well i i actually told the crowd i'm like look i don't really i don't really put hot screwdrivers to people like it was a joke like yeah sure okay what's that hot screwdriver doing in your hand pressed against that woman?

You've had that screwdriver in a fire pit the whole time. And you're like, oh, Jesus Christ. You're right. I didn't realize that. Dad, it's stuck on the other end. All I need is a candle and a putty knife. So would you just go out for a week how long would the the cruises last um it'd be like anywhere from like two or three days to like four days see yeah anywhere from two to three days

anywhere between like i don't know four and five days and six days any combination between who's hell out there you know any mathematical combination between between two and six yeah it's you know i mean a plethora of possibilities wow a lot of variety of this yeah but that just must be shitty like trying to get into the open mic scene like i am like just doing open mics getting into comedy and stuff it's like well if that sucked at least i can go home but if you fucking eat shit in front of 1200 people you see them the next day at the breakfast buffet oh yeah hey how you doing how's it going all right remember me nice oxygen tank okay see you later yeah you can't even they don't let you drink on deck like Like, you can only drink in the crew bar.

And you're not allowed to gamble on the ship. And this is just after you bomb. They're like, your drinking rights have been provoked. No talking to anyone. You get coughed. You sleep in the boiler room, Mike. Right. The only thing you're allowed is coffee and a mirror.

Just to see. So you can see shame and what it looks like. You can stay up like up and look at you get locked down in the lower uh uh bumps like with the poor italian immigrants the room like your room is literally as big as big as this bathroom like it's fucking tiny and like the showers it like what they do is they take the corner of the room and they make a little door and that's the shower right it's like uh it's really like it's it's really fucking small it's like a person could just barely fit in there literally you just you can't you can stand and you can't move one way or the other you're just standing in one spot and uh

um and like you know you've got igor the russian steam fitter in the room next to you you had igor the russian steam fitter in the room next to you that You had Igor the Russian steam fitter in the room next to you? That guy is so funny. Is that your opener? He's listening to old communist fucking music. He's listening to underground communist broadcasts. Oh, you hear the sound of vodka bottles? I went to the bar the other night. I said,

what is this, the Gulag? Come on! Igor the Russian the other night. I said, what is this, the Gulag? Come on. You're the Russian steam fitter. I go to fix toilets. Steam no fit. What gives? America. He's like Larry the Cable Guy.

Exactly. That's what it's picturing. Get it happening. Make it such that it happens. Be like Stalin and make change. I met a girl in a Vlasovskaya stock. And she was like, Igor, you're so handsome. I was like, make a thing happen.

I sell lighters after a show. Underage prostitute? Make it happen, sir. No? No? If you warm yourself with newspaper clippings, you might be a communist. If you do not have ownership over your property.

If your idea of meat market is container down at Shippey Hart, you might be communist. What is the... If the only letters you know in the alphabet are KGB. The only letter is KGB. You know, Yakov Smirnoff has a theater in Branson, Missouri. He's still alive? Dude, that guy. Branson, Missouri is like Vegas for the Midwest, but wholesome. I want to go there because it's got to be weird and scary.

I'm sure it is. It's like Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. I don't quite understand. I've heard people talk about Yakov Smirnoff. I don't think I've ever seen or heard him. What is this whole deal? Are you serious? He's like exactly what we were just doing, pretty much.

Just like, in Russia, Khodradu. Was he actually Russian? Yes, he was. And he came to America and made fun of Russia, basically? Yeah. He was kind of a dissenter, right? In America, you could bathroom inside the Vals. What a country.

Yeah, what a country. And this was during the Cold War, right? This was in the mid-'80s. So he was like, was Russia pissed off at him? Was he like dissenting? I don't think they gave a shit. Yeah, really? I don't think.

Oh, that's a good deal. Boris Yeltsin's online, too. He just heard that toilet paper joke. If you're in the midst of what could at any time become a nuclear war, and you go to your enemy's country and joke about how much your own country sucks. No, he defected to America. I mean, it's not like he was an ambassador to. Right. That's what I'm saying, is he gave up on the Russian government, right?

Yeah, he came here. Comrade Yeltsin He's probably just half Russian Was there an American who did the same thing? Who went over to Russia In America You can drive your own car In America food's plentiful

They put him in the gulag immediately You come with us And then they put him in the gulag immediately. You come with us. What do they do? Like, Comrade Yeltsin, the Americans have nuclear weapons aimed at us from Turkey. He's like, yes, but that Yakov, he keep making joke. He will ruin us. I don't think that's what happened. Although Kashuk's stand was pretty pissed about Borat.

Yeah, there's a list in Mineral Floss magazine of the 20 most influential movies, or movies that have had the most impact, and that was on there. Oh, yeah. And also another interesting one was The Truman Show. Apparently now it's become like an official mental illness, like Truman Show disease or something. I think we talked about this on a prior dig sesh. What prior dig sesh what were people think that they're being yeah we're schizophrenics i'm sure it existed in some form before but after that movie it really took off

we're schizophrenics think they're the subject of a of a show or a movie and they'll do stuff accordingly to like try to end the show or anytime they have like a funny line they'll go ah like look at wherever they think the camera their breakfast burnt toast again one guy like went to the top of the empire state building because he thought that would like sorry that would like finalize the show or something that would be like the big finale and then he could be free to live his life and someone else thought that 9-11 was a plot device in the show. Oh, wow. It's like these fucking writers, man, pulling out all the stops. This is fucked up.

Yeah. Paranoid schizophrenics, I read an article. It was kind of interesting. It's like they don't, if I remember correctly, it's that they have an overproduction of dopamine. And so what happens is they're getting this chemical signal that's telling them that, like, this is important. Right. Like, it's like the opposite of ADD where it's like nothing is important.

And so what happens is it's like, you know, the iPhone is sitting on the table, right? And to us, it's like, yeah, so what? You know, it's just you set your phone down that's that's the end of it but because the paranoid schizophrenic is getting this really strong chemical signal this means something like this is important right there's there's there's a reason i need to pay attention yeah i need to really i need to pay attention to this there's something important about this right and so what happens what happens is that the logical mind and the chemical message that they're getting in order to rectify the two, that's where they come up with these stories to make sense of it.

And that's where they come up with these crazy fantasy stories. So they'll just kind of focus on something and then fill in the gaps. Right, right. Like, why is everybody talking about potatoes? Like, what's going on? And then they come up with these crazy stories. Why is everyone talking about potatoes? I don't know.

We'll tell you next on the 8 o'clock news. And we're back. Sweet potato or sour potato? You tell us. At 11. What you don't know can hurt you. That's like the most overused line in local news. Coming up at 11, what you don't know can hurt you.

Do you see how I did that? I changed the cliche and I said can. Wink. Coming up on News 5. What you don't know can and will. I like when they leave, like, they have, like, super important information, but they leave it for the break. They tease it.

All right. A common household cleaner will rip your skin off and turn you inside out. Find out which one at 10 o'clock. Remember on The Simpsons, they were like, they kind of played with that. Like, one of these, these, a popular soda is now deadly. We won't tell you which one unless you tune in at 11. Exactly. They may as well say that. Exactly.

Your child is about to get raped. Find out why. And which one. After it happens. These commercial messages. I saw a news story that in some high school, girls are dipping their tampons in vodka and then putting them in their vaginas to get fucked up it's an old trick a bad idea yeah

dudes were doing it too they're putting in the boots were they really yeah yeah well that's like girls they tell you you could like if they couldn't take their uh birth control you could shove it up their vagina and it would absorb in. Really? Yeah. So if you soaked a cotton ball in Everclear and put it up your butt, you'd get drunk? Oh, yeah. Really?

You can just pour alcohol into your butt and it'll really fuck you up. But the problem is... And that wouldn't make you sick, right? Because it wouldn't get in your stomach. No, it can kill you because it goes right to your bloodstream and your liver doesn't have a chance to break it down as much. So, yeah, you could kill yourself. Pretty much. So I should start with...

Don't take that beer bong out of your ass right now, Mike. Take it out. Anal beer bong. No jello shooters in your anus. Why do they have to be jello? Like, my anus knows the difference. You see, like, a coffee table with, like, five Jäger bombs lined up, and then a bunch of frat boys with their pants around their knees.

Just fucking squat on it. Don't be a queer. Put it up your ass, dude. Come on, fag. Don't be a queer. Don't be a fag. Come on, dude. Yo, come on, Chaz.

Don't be a fag. Shove that shot glass up your ass. Dude, Chaz, I'm going to shove so many fucking shot glasses up my ass. You're gay. Not me, dude. Fuck you. I'll fucking down a bottle of Jack. Get your baseball hat on backwards.

You can do this. It already is, bro. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Bro. Would that be like the same drunk if you did that? Like you think it would feel the same? No, it'd be stronger.

No, you get drunker faster because it enters your bloodstream faster. It's like eating pot brownies as opposed to smoking. Right. That was always weird. I think I only did that once and it made me feel insane. And if you put a pot brownie up your ass, you get really fucked up really quick. I'll say. Really quick. Can anything anal you can do

with marijuana? Is that possible? Probably. They have marijuana suppositories. Let's take a break and find out. Marijuana suppositories are being forced on your children. Find out when. Find out in what exact fashion. You always wonder why they call them brownies. We'll tell you why at 11.

Do you guys ever see the, there's a video on youtube of cops i think they they confiscated uh pot brownies or they made pot brownies and they ate them and they called oh yeah yeah see that yeah we think time has stopped we might be dead we need help yeah that is crazy. Yeah, they get fired. Of course. What do they do? 9-1-1. Oh, how embarrassing. Wow. That shows mustaches and weed, don't make. Did you ever have a situation like that where you did something really, really stupid, stoned?

Never. I feel like pot wasn't that type of drug where it would make you do like really. I was this close to the cure for world hunger. This close. But no, I've never done anything stupid. And then I just ate some Twinkies and I was fine. Yeah, it was great. Drunk, I lit off those firecrackers on my stomach in a bathtub.

Oh, is this the firecracker story we were teasing? Yeah. That was pretty dumb. But that was drunk. Did it burn you? Oh, yeah. Do you still have scars? I do, actually. Wow. It was very radio-. Did it burn you? Oh, yeah. Do you still have scars? I do, actually.

Wow. It was very radio-like. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Still have third-degree burns still this day. See if I can do it radio-style. Did I have any burns on my body? You better believe it.

You know what else is burning up? This new track from the Black Eyed Peas. Here we go. That's right. Here comes the Black Eyed Peas, and we'll be right back after these messages. It's the depressed radio host who just slips in depressing things about himself. Contemplating suicide. Also contemplating a hot track, commercial free.

Here it comes. If you're looking to get your car tinted, head down to Easy Tint on Pulaski Highway and they'll help you pull a gun out of your mouth if you're thinking about canning it all. Shout out to Mike. Thanks. I'm going to go pop some pills and wait

for the big sleep. Here's a five hit. Tell them the crazy fox in the morning. The crazy fox. No morning. Five hit rock block. The crazy fox. No repeat afternoons. Oh, shit. Yeah, I'm trying to think if I've done any really super dumb shit.

I went on Stage Stone a couple times, and I was like, ah, this was a mistake. Yeah, just bad idea. Just pot? Yeah. You were on pot? I was on the pot. Are you on the pot right now? How long have you been on pot? No, I haven't smoked? I was on the pot. Are you on the pot right now? How long have you been on pot?

No, I haven't smoked weed in a while, actually. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm kind of like... What's it been, 10, 15 minutes? Yeah. You scum. Yeah. I don't know. I'm just kind of like, eh.

Just not really feeling it. Right. What does pot do for you? Pot never did anything for me other than make me feel crazy. There goes our pot sponsorship. Spons sponsored by pot this is uh pot yeah i was trying to think of what marin's coffee sponsor was but anyway like oh yeah like yeah i know something dot co-op something coffee only coffee or something like just coffee

just coffee but i i was in uh i was in canada and uh and like you know it was like one of those nights where it was like you know seven comics on the show and it was like a, and it was one of those nights where it was seven comics on the show, and it was a strong lineup. It was a lot of the good Toronto comics and stuff. Was it in Toronto? I think it was. It was either Toronto or Ottawa. And we had all been hanging out all day and smoking, and up there it's like pretty much legal you know and uh and so like we were one of the comics had gotten a bunch of brownies or cookies from like one of the um

they have like these uh so you guys put all the brownies on a table well no like all your pants literally like all the comics had been last one to suck up a brownie with his ass is a fag here we go come on fag come on do it so uh so like we were all pretty toasty you know and uh it was hilarious too because like you know like the comics like now fuck the audience like we're doing the shows for each other and stuff like all right you gotta say turd as many times as you can and you're saying okay all right nobody said what's up turds how you doing you know so the other day i was walking along right this turd fucking and like dude he said turd like 20 times in his set the audience is just like like you know like

i've never once thought of like like at work we'll do stuff like that like dare each other to say things to customers you know right or do some weird thing repeatedly at the paper moon diner a lot of like when you're serving tables yes you gotta clarify for the listeners for the dig heads right yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like, one time I was doing it. It was me, Paul, and this guy Joe. And we're like, all right, like, we've got to tell this joke. You tell the first part.

I'll tell the second part. You tell the third part. And so it's like, it's a dumb joke. It's the Lone Ranger and Tonto, and they get surrounded by Indians. And Lone Ranger's like, what are we going to do? And and tana is like what do you mean we kimosabe that's it that's the joke right yeah that's not even a joke right i told i didn't tell it tell it but you know that's the what do you mean we kimosabe like you're on your own pale face kind of thing right and uh but like you tell the first part and like i'll

tell the second and then when paul gets up and does like the actual punch line yeah it's like we told the joke amongst the three of us kind of thing you know it made no sense but let's say the crowd had no idea i don't know what the fuck's going on right so but like it was funny to us you know um and things like all right like you gotta lose the audience right just lose them isn't that what you're doing already though yeah then get them back you know right right but uh i bet the owner was thrilled he's like great job tonight they don't fucking know they don't know what's going on really they're just like you know like you know where's the vodka? You know, whatever.

Steamfitter Charlie runs this club. Igor. We need more vodka. Jokes. We have dead girls. I escaped Stalin. Open comedy club, yes? Canada. Much steam in Canada.

It's cold, like Russia. Remind me of home. Too much toilet paper. Everyone very pale, like Russia. Oh, yeah, but, like, so the MC was, like, when I was all fucked up. And MC's on stage, and I turn to one of the other comics. I'm like, dude, I'm too fucking high. I can't go up.

He's like, oh, you'll be fine. And I'm like, uh. And I just went up, go up he's like oh you'll be fine and i'm like and i just went up and i like i mean i did my set but i the whole time i was just like all right just don't have a panic attack don't have a panic attack right this fucking that's how i was when i would smoke pot like yeah almost immediately i was like why the hell did i do this yeah yeah well that's the thing it's like the weed is so strong, it's like you can't moderate it at all. I remember I felt like I had such a low tolerance because I'd take one hit and be fucked up for hours. Right. People would be rolling blunts and stuff.

Rolling them is just ridiculous. That just turns my brain into jelly. I remember we smoked a blunt and we went and saw the movie 300. And that made 300 kind of fun but the whole time we're smoking this blunt like there's no way i can right you can only get so high right you you reach a limit at this point we're just wasting weed right to smoke a blunt there's no point i'm already fucking high as shit my brain is leaking out of my ears the idea of smoking oneself sober is that a myth probably exists you just probably just get so stoned you think you're sober.

Right. So maybe I'm really, really stoned right now. I think I'm sober. Could be. Or you could be really, really sober and think you're stoned. I don't know. Or you think you're sober. It's like a Mobius strip.

So I'm so sober that I think I'm stoned. And in that state, I'm so stoned that I think I'm sober thinking I'm stoned. Exactly. It's a cycle. I guess we'll never know. It's like the audio version of Inception. This shit's deep. Wow.

Yeah. It is. Absolutely, man. You think we can market it to fans of Inception, what I just said? I think so. I think so. Well, give credit to other Mike. I don't really recall mother mike doing much

mother mike mother mike i have the record the uh yeah because it's like it's like it used to like like what if you have like regular shitty weed like it's like getting in a fast car and starting it up and driving out onto the highway and then fucking gunning it. And eventually you get up to 100 miles an hour. Maybe. Now weed is like you literally are dropped into a fucking top fuel dragster and instantly rocketed to 250 miles an hour. It's like there's no, you know know it's just wham too much i never knew there were different strands like i knew there were different types of weed like hey man i got ak-47 it'll fuck you up but i never knew there was a difference between sativas and indica

like steve sativas are like more uh associated with like energy and things like that and then indica's are the ones that like chill you out and stuff so i like the ones that gave me energy yeah some some those are fun yeah some make you like more heady and trippy where you like kind of get into your own head and yeah and creative you know whereas other ones they just it's like it's more like just getting fucked up to where you're stuck to the couch right yeah it just makes you a magnet to whatever you're sitting in already i just never marijuana just marijuana just never, like, did. Like, I wanted drugs that made me feel confident and happy. That's why I drink Red Stripe, Mike.

I'm glad you mentioned that. Red Stripe. It's beer. See, I think, like, marijuana, like, excited my anxieties while alcohol depressed them. Right. Well, alcohol is a depressant. Right. And that's, I think, too, it's, like, it's easy, like, as a comic, it's i think too it's like it's easy like

as a comic it's like it's easy to like latch onto a crutch like i've had friends that like they would have to smoke like half an hour before the show yeah because they wanted to be on the on just over the hump on the down slope when when they hit the stage yeah because they had just gotten so used to that to where that was they were kind of in this sort of free flow kind of, you know. But it's like, and that's fine. What happens if you can't get any weed? Right, yeah. That's a bad cycle to get into.

I kind of do that with caffeine somewhat, but, you know, I don't think that's that bad. You can always find caffeine. Yeah. Like, I've gotten too jacked up, like, where I, like, I'll pound, like, two Red Bulls. Yeah, I've gotten too jacked up, like, where I, like, I'll pound, like, two Red Bulls. Yeah, I've done too much before, too. And you're just like, hey, what's going on, everybody?

Your timing gets all fucked up. I do find it's good for me to, like, kind of starve myself of caffeine before a show and then, like, drink a cup of coffee, like, 15 minutes before I go on or something. Right. It just gives me that energy. Because you're going through the withdrawals, then your body's like, oh, yeah, now we're okay. Yeah.

Well, it's like you don't want to – I was telling somebody about this the other day. It's like you can't spend – like you can't wake up at like 8 in the morning and spend all day like doing shit and hustling and being busy and then, you know, take a shower and this and this and that and then go do a show it's like if you have to do two shows that night like by the time you hit the second show like you're going to

be done like you're just you're not going to be on your a game you know and so that's why a lot of comics that we get into that like being on the road like sort of consistency to where it's like you know okay this you know this guy's like on the road more than he's not yeah right is a lot of comics will fall into this certain type of like like sleep and living pattern where it's you know you're you know you wake up around like you know 10 30 11 you know you eat something you get breakfast or lunch or whatever, you go to the mall, you do whatever, you know, some daytime shit. Right. But then around, like, five, you'll come back to the hotel and you'll take a nap for an hour.

And it's, like, so many comics do this, like, once they've been on the road for a while. Right. Because it's, like, a different schedule, I mean. Yeah. And it's, like, it's weird because, like, there were times where, like, I wouldn't take a nap. And then I would do the shows that night, and by the time the second show, I could tell I was off. Right. I've heard that it's natural for the human cycle to take a siesta.

The ideal sleep pattern is to not use an alarm clock, just let your body sleep, and then take a nap in the afternoon. Wake up naturally. Because, yeah, that'll actually make you more tired if you wake up in the middle of a sleep cycle because your body isn't as re-energized. And, yeah, when you wake up naturally, it's like you've gone through your cycles, you've gotten enough rest.

But if it's disturbed, it'll ruin you. And that's why I take 16 no-dos. No-dos. 16 no-dos. Not just no-dos. But 16. Your friend, all right. Go the way of the no-dos.

Do-dos. So to finish that, to go back to that story, your parents voted against taking you to the hospital? They called poison control. I think they said it's already in his digestive system. A stomach pump's not going to do anything. Just don't let him have any kind of soda, sugar, caffeine

of any sort. And your parents are like, oh, okay. We won't give him that coffee that we were brewing. Oh, man, I just made a whole pot. You're snorting a Kit Kat bar. What what they say honey don't chop up that snickers for him put the whoppers away come on stop yeah so i just drank lots of water i had like just incessant vomiting and diarrhea for like two days oh yeah it was do you have to go to school did you stay home from school it was actually it was

actually right at the end of summer because i remember i had i had just started to get to where i was like like starting to nod out a little bit right where like the the caffeine was starting to work its way out and i had to go i had to go to school because they have like at the beginning right like a week before the. Right. Like, orientation or something. No, no. That was the used book sale where you could buy last year's student.

You know, the books you're going to need for this semester, you could buy the used ones from the previous class. And it was. You had to buy your books in high school? Yeah. What the hell? Yeah. Really? Like, textbooks or, like, the books that you had to read in public school? Yeah. No, Calvert Hall. Yeah. Catholic the hell? Yeah. Like textbooks or like the books that you had to read? Is this public school? Yeah, no, Calvert Hall.

Oh. Yeah. Catholic, huh? That's where the rich get it. Uh-oh. Broke my microphone. Yeah, broke it, see? That's where you get it. That's what you get for messing with rich people.

Yeah, don't be smirched. Don't be smirched the 1%. So you're working for Calvert Hall now, too? No. They've gotten to you, haven't they? I've been wearing this Calvert Hall sweatshirt just because it feels good. I like the crescent. Because it says mother.

I've had this Calvert Hall monocle forever. Monocle. You have the Calvert Hall logo printed on your monocle. Monocle's just a giant C, c golden c my ex-girlfriend didn't want to go to the gym she said she could afford a membership i said just try walking it's free that's why poor people do it she got in her rascal scooter baby's free, too, because a lot of poor people seem to be doing that. Just kidding, poor people. Shout out to poor people.

To poor people. They can't afford a computer. They can't afford a free podcast. Those poor people. They're not listening. Speaking of poor people, it just made me think of this one guy that was on Lost. He ran into a homeless guy in New York when he was with kids. Do you guys watch Lost?

Not really. No, I never watched it either. But apparently he was a smoke monster, which was a big deal on Lost. And the guy that played the smoke monster, he was at Penn Station in New York picking up his kids. And I think they were like eight or nine or something like that and as they were leaving there was a homeless guy who was just like looking at him pointing at him like he recognized him and he's like all right let's just keep moving and the homeless guy's like smoky my motherfucker you a bad motherfucker smoky and then like saw his kids he's like oh i'm sorry but your father's bad

like thought he was like really smoky but that's when he realized that lost was such a phenomenon that even homeless people knew what the fuck lost was how are you homeless and you're caught up yeah lost like just hanging out in front of a store exactly like oh look at that smoke monster you bet i actually asked a homeless person about that once like how they stay current on Lost? Well, I was kind of like, how do you like, are you still cognizant of pop culture? And he's like, yeah, you can't get away from it. And I mean, you stay at places that have TVs.

And then they try to sell you a Boy George record. Hospitals. Fucking meth clinics. You know. Yeah, homeless people are in hospitals all the fucking time. Yeah. I'm going to get the good shit. I'm going to hit the bathroom real quick.

Body break. Do you have, like, some toilet sound effects? If. Oh, shit. Turlet. The turlet. Turlet. Turlet. The turlet. Turlet. Turlet.

That's one thing that's called for in the neighborhood house. Turlet. I'm on G and T for two, so I'll do it for now. What's G GMT? We're all going to commit suicide live on the air. Just kidding, digheads, and we're back. Your microphone's on, Mike. Are you sure, actually? Yes.

Okay, good. So, Baltimore comedy scene. What about it? What is the deal with the Baltimore comedy scene? Have you seen it lately? Have you seen it? Have you seen the scene? Baltimore comedy scene.

Mike Stork. Tell me, have you seen it? Baltimore comedy scene. Have you seen it? That's the new slogan for Baltimore comedy. Have you seen it? S-C-E-N-E. Baltimore comedy. Have you seen it? That's-N-E. Baltimore comedy.

Have you seen it? That's what I just said. Shut up. No, no, no. I made that up. And the thing with just a bunch of scenesters. The other thing that I stole. I came up with the idea for basketball and everything.

Mike Stewart. Baltimore comedy scene. Great scene or the greatest comedy scene in the country Your take I was asking you guys You never answered my question Quit avoiding the question What?

Quit aiming that light in my face Do you have lights on the inside of your cabinet? It has certainly gotten hot in here Why is your cabinet illuminated from the inside? It's got a poltergeist in there. Yeah, so you can see stuff in there. Let's point out some more stuff in the room that only people in the room can see. Probably the fanciest chandelier I've seen in quite some time.

Should you have that gold toilet? That chandelier looks like it was designed by Germany in the 1930s. Oh, yeah. Designed by Germany. Designed bys. Oh, yeah, you can... Designed by Germany. The whole country... Designed by Germany. The whole country got together and they said, Chandelier, we must do this.

We must make the chandelier. Attention, chandelier. German chandeliers are all the rage. That was my first band, German Chandeliers. Just don't buy the puppies. I was trying to write a bit about a chandelier the other day, and it went nowhere. It's like, if you think about it,

it didn't. I'm going to make it happen, though. Well, think about it. Maybe you need to illuminate on the subject a little more. Shed a little light on things. That's it. I don't mean to make things dimmer. Don't leave that joke hanging from the ceiling. Like a convicted felon who was hanged in the public square.

And they shoved candles in every orifice. And fill them with candy and break them apart. Boot Hill Chandelier. That's how the pinata started. They would force the prisoner to eat a bunch of candy before he was executed. And then they beat him to death until he exploded. I believe it. By the way, they did that on Schwartzen's show, Nick Schwartzen.

Really? They beat someone to death? It's like, become a piñata. And I'm like, motherfucker. Like, that was like one of my older bits. Oh, really? I was like, god damn it. Yeah.

I'm just going to hate that. It's always annoying when that happens. But, yeah, like, if you think about it, like, every house, every apartment, whatever, right, has a chandelier, you know? Like, even the shittiest fucking places. Right, yeah, my place has a chandelier. Yeah, and it's half, like, torn out of the ceiling. Yeah, Munson says, shut up. This is a nice My place has a chandelier. Munson says, shut up.

This is a nice place with a nice chandelier. It might be like, that's a fancy chandelier. Of course. There's still Jewish gold in there. The designs on the shade were kind of weird. See that mighty eagle? That's great. Your your third right very angular of course whatever happened in the first two reichs you don't hear a lot about them this is

like the most add podcast yeah yeah exactly that's what but we yeah the third reich what was yeah what was the first and second reich i think rome one of them. One of the Reichs. Right. I think I actually researched this once and there was an answer. Sorry. Easy there. What's the rule? The first, you'd have Rome and Greece. But Greece didn't extend into Germany. Well, I think they like to think of themselves as descendants of the ancient Romans.

Well, yeah, because the uh the nazi salute was like a roman thing but it was like with your fist you didn't extend your hand out you like hit your chest then put your fist out what were the arians were like something different too that they wanted to claim they were like let me get my dog she's barking at a balloon you've been watching the pseudo history channel huh you've been watching the pseudo-history channel? I was... Yeah, they believe that the Aryan race was the superior...

The word Aryan was some other group of people from history that they claimed they were descendants of. Aryans were actually someone else. I don't know. We have the Caucasus Mountains, which is where the word

caucasian comes oh really yeah huh really yeah that's where like the whole concept of caucasian right you know the caucasus mountains it's like in like rhode island russia chechnya that sort of area right like um but yeah they... What the fuck? So the second Reich would have probably been Rome. Yep. Because that would have been closer in time. The first Reich, Genghis Khan, maybe.

I think Genghis Khan was after Rome, wasn't he? He kind of fucked up Rome a little bit. Oh, really? Wait, Genghis Khan... But Rome was only until like 300 or something, right? Really? That's it?

I don't know. I've been watching shit about this. Didn't they kill Jesus? Yeah. So I guess. And then like a few hundred years later, dissolved. All right. After they embraced Christianity.

That's what Christianity will get you. Well, they couldn't maintain how far right out Yeah, you'll start breaking apart and like it just became it didn't really like I don't I don't think there's actually like a fall of Rome like people think I think it just kind of evolved into didn't they get like it is a goths Actually might have been the ones that sort of ushered in the fall of Rome. They were listening to Cure. The barbarians. Yeah, they had black fingernails. Black lipstick. We're the Visigoths.

We're taking over. The Visigoths emerged from the food court. They smoked a couple cigarettes. Complained about their stepdads. Then they took over. They started building hot topics closer and closer to Rome. Hot topic at every camp. Yeah.

I like it. A lot of pouty Vikings. Yeah. Black pleather. Yeah. Lots of buckles. Yeah. Zippers.

Lunchboxes. Yeah. It's weird. The. Zippers. Lunchboxes. Yeah. It's weird. These, like, black-clad Vikings with, like, Hello Kitty lunch pails. Yeah. Whatever. That was weird how, like, the goth movement was, like, so dark, but then there's, like, these subsets where they'd be, like, super colorful, like, wearing, like, candy-striped,

like. Yeah, it's kind of part of the rave scene a little more. Is there, like, happy goths or something? I don't know, but a lot of goths in high school started embracing this really colorful, like kind of Dr. Seuss-esque, you know, like big hats and like wacky colors. I remember that in like the late 90s. Right. Early aughts.

Ecstasy influence. I guess so, but it didn't seem to be like merging with the rave culture. But I think that's where that fashion kind of came from, though, with the jelly wristband. It was starting to get glammy. Red hair instead of black. Sparkly stuff. Glitter became popular. Yeah, glitter.

That's probably from the Twilight type, you know. No, this was, I remember like in the late 90s, there was kind of like a glam goth. You're talking about the Oscar winning film Glitter starring Mariah Carey. That was a great movie. Greatest. It's a film. It's called Precious, not Glitter. That and Ice Pirates. What is Ice Pirates? Oh, God. It's like one of the called Precious That and Ice Pirates

What is Ice Pirates? It's like one of the worst movies ever Robert Urich Is like the big name I know that name but I can't picture it Spencer for hire Again, don't know Did some dog food commercials

Oh okay The guy that says here boy. With the meaty morsels. He admires his dog's coat. He rubs his head, I think. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Some coked out director watching TV.

He's like, there's my star. That guy. Give me the dog food guy. Give me the Purina Chow. This roll was written for you. Roll that beautiful bean footage. Yeah.

So, yeah. I have no idea. Yeah, I don't remember where we were. But we digress. So the Baltimore comedy scene is a lot like the Puppy Chow of America. Wow. Right. Right? How the fuck are we going to pull that one out? I think I just did it. I think I just did it.

I did it. How long have you been doing the comedy stand-ups? We're going to pull that one out. I think I just did it. That's what we do here. I think I just did it. I did it. No need segues or justification. How long have you been doing the comedy stand-ups? About 11 years. Mike Moran? Geez. I'm not talking to you. Nobody cares about him.

I know. I'm so alone all the time. I'm waiting for him to become famous. When we do that drinking game where you have to do the Mickey Mouse, Marilyn Monroe. Right. Marilyn Manson. You know, we have to know, you know, if you know double M's or double R's or double J's or whatever, you know. Right.

Mark Maron. Mark Maron. Mustafa Moran. Yep. Your dad. Mickey Mouse. Minnie Mouse. Martin Morrance Martin

Morrance I don't know Mickey Mantle Mon Mon Jovi You changed the first name to it. Mons Pubis. Mil Mar. Moe Monofuko.

Moe Monofuko. Mootros. Mootros Molly. Mootros Mootros Molly. Would it be Mootros Bootros Molly? Doesn't matter. What's his first, like, how does his name work? Boutros, Boutros, Golly.

What's his first name, though? Boutros, Boutros, or? I think his first name is Boutros. And then his last name is Boutros, Golly? It's possible. What's, like, Magnus or Magnusson? That world's strongest man guy? I don't know.

Like, of course, your name's Magnus Von Magnusson. And he's like a Swedish or Netherland guy or something. Netherlandian. Name your kid Magnus and then he's like some pipsqueak. Yeah, Magnus. Give me your lunch money, Magnus. Tiny. Yeah, it'd be like when they call strong men tiny.

Right. Or like short people. That's like classic 80s humor. Right. Tiny. Yeah, it'd be like when they call strong men tiny. Right. Or like short people. That's like classic 80s humor. Right. Tiny. Hey, tiny. Get him, tiny. Like the tough guy that works for the evil boss.

Right. His muscle that walks around with him. With a derby hat. Yeah. He's like, meh, she. All right. Mike Stork, how long have you been in the comedy game? 11 years.

He just told you. And seven minutes. All right. I think I did hear you say 11, but I wanted to make sure because I think we were making, like, dick jokes or something. Probably. How about you guys? Is this the high point? This is the high point of your comedy career?

No. It's opposite day, isn't it? I knew it. This is the low point. Worst in the cruise ship? Right now. Fuck. No.

I don't know. Right? You've just been doing stand-up for 11 years? Yeah. Right. I don't know. Like the last year or two, I've been getting kind of just tired of it. Really it really yeah just the local scene or just doing it in general fuck the local scene um like uh just yeah just i don't know in general like you just kind of get like yeah the thrill is gone

yeah i mean i don't know it's like when i'm actually on stage usually i'm like all right like i'm having you know like having fun unless it's like a shitty crowd or something or you know whatever but I don't know it's just like the extra stuff I'm just kind of like like writing you know like I'll sit down to like write and it's like

it's like I come up with a bunch of bullshit and then like I'll be on the phone for like 10 minutes with a friend and i'll come up with more funny shit than i came right yeah i get like that too like when i sit down to write i mean i can write like other stuff you know but but like stuff for the stage you know it just it seems to come spontaneously it always seems weird too and you're just like i really gotta get to work all right how many of this fucking dick joke?

I can sit down and do that with my column and stuff. But stage stuff, it doesn't seem to work that way. It sucks. It's frustrating. I want to feel like I'm putting in effort. I want to feel like I'm

working at building more material, but it very rarely actually happens that way. You know? And like I said, like I'll be on the phone for 15 minutes with somebody and like three things will pop out that I'm like, I could be a bit, you know, that's actually, you know. Right. I could work with that.

Yeah. It's like, God damn it. Why can't I get that when I'm sitting in Starbucks? You know? Right. Yeah. I hear you. I know what with that. It's like, God damn it. Why can't I get that when I'm sitting in Starbucks? Right. Yeah. I hear you. I know what you mean. Got to move to a different coffee shop.

Yeah. I actually go to Wegmans. Like I'll go to the cafe upstairs. Because it's just enough ambient noise to where I can focus. But it's not too loud or distracting to, you know. Like if you go to Starbucks, the music is fucking loud. Coffee machine and the grinders and the blenders and all that. It's just really hard to focus.

Can't write at home. I just can't. Too comfortable. Too comfortable. Watch TV, play with the dog. Get distracted. Yeah. Right.

So, I don't know. And it's hard to write. I've written with other comics. We'll get together and try to bounce shit off of each other. And sometimes that works, but most of the time it doesn't. Yeah. Because it's like, I don't know. It usually just becomes wacky time, I've found, when I try to do that.

Like what? Well, quit calling it wacky time and call it writing time no it just becomes like a silly fast forward just like acting like jackasses and throwing things snorting each other's poop and you know how it goes when comedians get together all right snort fecal matter yeah yeah i don't know i mean that's like we were talking about improv you know it's like the times that I've done it like I really enjoy it because it's like it's just play time right yeah

it's not and you don't have to be funny like you can just set somebody I'll give him the line set the scene yeah and that's what makes it funnier, too, is the building of it. Right. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Improv would really suck. You're just like, hey, poop, fart, blot. Right? Blot. You know. Yeah. The funny part that comes out of it is the situation that you've built.

Like, the scenarios. Yeah. Yeah. And it's good having other people on stage. Because if you're just, like, not in the zone, then you can just, you know, work on building the scene and let the other people be funny. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, and that's what we were talking about.

It's like you can have some people are just there. They're just it's kind of like open micers that are just, like, starting out. It's like they're so they're so hungry to race towards that easy punch line. Uh-huh. And, you know, but it's like they won't let it build, you know. Right. It's like, you know, da-da-da-da-da. Like somebody says something like, yeah, my dick.

Right. It's like, well, you know, that was easy. Like, why don't you just. Let it breathe a little bit. Wait for a minute. Yeah. You know, like you don't have to. Stop trying to be funny every ten seconds and wait for a good one.

When you really have that good line or whatever. For me, I've done an open mic three times now. I totally know how it feels. You're so scared when you're up there. I just need a little bit of validation. I need something to laugh but so i can see in the beginning especially because you're gonna suck everyone sucks you know you're gonna eat shit so you're just looking for just a little bit of comfort while you're up there so i think that just goes away with time you know like once you get

more comfortable on stage a little more confident yeah i do feel like it is the important thing is just doing it you know especially in the beginning. It's just doing it. That's what everybody says. What's my advice? Just do it. Yeah, just get on stage every time you can. Yeah, because it's like you've got,

somebody said it this way. They said you've got about 1,000 bad sets in you, so just start getting them out of the way as much as possible. Every time you get on stage, you're getting another bad one out of the way. The faster possible yeah every time you get on stage you're getting another bad one out of the way right the faster you'll get to the good ones right yeah right yeah pat and oswald said something similar that it takes pretty much five years before you actually

get good do you think can you pinpoint when you got over that hump of like i took 15 now i'm like a real now i'm like a real you know like comedians talk about that or they like it's just a mystery kind of for years and years and then all of a sudden you get it yeah do you think you had that yeah i think there's i think i i don't know that it's necessarily like one particular like moment like i mean for some people might be. That dick joke changed my life. That's what I said. I'm Mike Stork. Comedian. It wasn't until I said then the dick hit the back of her throat. Facebook occupation status.

Right. Hang on. Let me grab my Pepsi out of the freezer because I think it's going to explode. Okay. Alright. Pepsi. I really hate this Mike Stork guy. Always with the product placements. Mike Stork. I know, really. Sorry. Pepsi. I really hate this Mike Stork guy. Always with the product placements, Mike Stork. I know, really. Sorry.

Pepsi. Germany. It's so delicious. This German Pepsi. Pepsi throwback. Throwback. I wouldn't mind throwing back a few of those myself. I tell you what.

Especially when they're so cold. So cold. Sorry, continue. But there's been like a couple moments that... Ah, shit. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Everyone stay calm.

We're having a Pepsi-related emergency. I tell you what, that wouldn't happen with a Coca-Cola can, would it, Mike? Coca-Cola Classic you're referring to? That's the one I'm referring to. Well, you can't beat the real thing. That's a tasty, tasty soft drink. Oh, that works. I think there's coffee still in it, though.

Oh, Carol's going to fall over. Alright. Who would have thought that this could get... That was a great idea. Wow. Get them off. Nothing like interrupting a good flow of conversation.

You know what else is flowing? The Coca-Cola classic. Zero. But I think there's certain moments that you will take a step. One was I was doing a show. I was talking to somebody about contests earlier today and uh there was a i'm not gonna say who it was but there was a there's a local comic and there was uh it was a contest and apparently he was he was uh unhappy with with who the finalists were right he's like this is bullshit right And he's all fucking mad, right?

And I just looked over at him. I'm like, how many times, like hundreds of times I could count where I've been at some sort of contest, competition, whatever, and there's somebody that's like, this is fucking bullshit. Right. Like a thousand times. Yeah. You know? It's like, it's ridiculous. ridiculous like it's such a cliche right yeah it's like welcome to comedy like yeah you know but but this guy was like it was like he was

just bewildered like he had never like oh what the fuck you know and so somebody asked me to like talk to him and i was like i was like i was's, what is he doing? Like pacing with a gun? No, he was like all, he was all like hot, you know, and pissed off, right? And,

and I was like, so what's going on, man? And he's just like, oh, like I've been doing comedy and this, this is,

and like in this, he, it's like, he's trying to like tell me that he like, oh, he's been doing comedy for over four years

and he's toured here, there and done comedy in this place. And I'm like, I'll try to bullshit me. Like, I've been doing this a lot longer than you. And I know a lie when I see one. Like, you know. Like, the dude was trying to say that he worked in, like, there's three towns that he named. And I know for a fact that he's lying.

I did the Paloogaloogaville Comedy Hut. Right. But the thing is, it's like, I know those towns because I've worked in them. Pocahontas, Virginia.

I fucking crushed that room. I went to, and they're just naming stuff in the room. I was in Windowtown. I fucking, I destroyed that fucking place.

Florville. And fucking Shoelace, Montana, man. Might as well burn the town down after I'm done fucking snap the mic in half i'm done yeah so uh but anyway the thing was is that he was so he was trying to but he was trying to lie he was trying to bullshit right and make himself seem

like more experienced than what he was and you know and that's the thing it's like he didn't realize that you know it's like trying to like didn't realize that it's like trying to bullshit about how much you race motorcycles and how fast you are on a motorcycle and not thinking to yourself, hey, I'm talking to a world MotoGP racer. This guy knows infinitely. While the guy just got off his bike and he's still in full leather and holding his helmet, it's like, oh, please tell me about racing. Really? What kind of carburetor are you using? Go on. So the guy's trying to bullshit, right?

And I'm like, all right, so now I know you're a liar. And secondly, I know that you're a liar because if you've been doing this for four years. I know you're a liar. And secondly, I know you're a liar. And secondly, I know that you're a liar. And more importantly, I know you're a liar. And secondly, I know you're a liar. And secondly, I know that you're a liar. And more importantly, I know you're a liar. Right. Because if you've been doing this for four years, then you would have already experienced multiple contests that were bullshit.

You wouldn't be, like, completely befuddled at this. Right. Right? So, you know, like, anyway, I got off track there. But, like, the thing is, is that. You digress. I digress. Like, but, you know, there You digress. I digress.

But there was a contest that I was doing, and one of the comics that went up, say fifth or sixth, just fucking destroyed. Nobody's going to follow this. We just watched the set of the night right there. Nobody's going to follow that. Next comic goes up, eats a dick. Next comic goes up, fucking tanks. That's a terrible next comic goes up eats a dick next comic goes up fucking tank that's a terrible act he just eats a dick on the page eats it right

and uh gallagher is really really no i don't know so he's got to revamp his act or something so i gave up and i was just like oh well like it doesn't matter like i i literally i took my set list and i threw it in the trash i I was like, there's no point. Like, I'm just going to go up and I'm just going to do whatever I feel like doing at this point, you know. Because I was, like, trying to plan it. Well, I'll do this joke because it'll show this. And I'll do that joke because it'll be, you know, whatever. And I literally, I just went up and I was picking the bits as I was going.

I was like, I'll do the MacGyver joke. And then I did that joke. And I was like, oh, I'll do the Donkey Kong, you know. And then I did that joke. And I was like, I'll do the Donkey Kong, you know? Right. And I wound up having like a fucking killer set. Wow. And I got off and dah,

dah, dah, dah. And I wound up winning. Wow. Right. And the thing is, is that I realized that the reason that I had,

I mean, like when I walked off, I was like, you know, like, Oh, this actually is a pretty good set. You know?

Like, um, the fact that I won, it was like, oh, had I not given up and just assumed that the other guy had already won it, I might have gone up there trying to have a good set and overthinking it. Doing your standard thing versus like... And stressing out. Right.

Versus just being like, fuck it, I'm going to have fun. Right. I think the audience picks up on that too, you know? Well, they do. And that's the thing. It's like, if you go up... Damn, it's still frozen. If you go up and...

You want me to put that Pepsi in the microwave? No. Okay. But that was one of those moments where I feel like I kind of moved up to the next level in one way. Right. And where I just realized sort of letting go a little bit. Yeah. There was a comic, Bob Summerby.

I was emceeing. No, I was featuring. And I'd gotten on stage. The emcee's on stage doing the announcements and this and that. And the headliner's sitting there and he's just reading the newspaper. And I'm just like,

I'm like, hey, you know, he's about to bring you up, right? Like I'm all like, you need to get up there, you know? And he's like, you know, he just went right back to his newspaper. And I'm thinking, what the fuck is he doing?

Like, you know, he's about to go up there for 45 minutes. He needs to get ready. He needs to obsess over his set list and start panicking and freaking out. Cry. Right? I mean, that's what I do, right? Right.

And the emcee finally says the guy's name, and he closes the newspaper, puts it on the table, gets up out on stage and destroys yeah it was like and i and i realized like okay he did the exact opposite of what i've been doing which is like you know obsessively looking at my set list and yeah and uh he literally just didn't give it a moment's thought right just walked out and just did it and and i learned a lot from that it was like who is this bob summerbee okay and uh like the instead of psyching myself up for a show i was psyching myself out you know and so that was you know i think anxiety is never it doesn't it's never gonna help no it doesn't it's important to put in your homework, I think. But once you're going

out there, just have fun with whatever tools you have, I think. That's kind of what I'm learning. And there's a difference between not caring and being blasé. It's different to be like, I'm not going to freak out versus like, whatever. I'm going to go up there.

I think you need to have a little bit of kind of a spark in you. I think it's that the initial fear and not having like, oh, God, what am I going to do? What if I'm mom? Yeah. Having that is sort of the pain that motivates you to write and to listen to your set. And how can I make this better? Where can I cut the fat?

How can I make it stronger you know whatever and because you have to put in that work because if you don't then you'll be one of those comics that's you know eight years in and hasn't gotten any better yeah and it's just you know in a rut it's tough work too i mean to like tear yourself apart like that and watching and listening to yourself, especially when you suck. Right. It's very hard. Yeah. Yeah.

But it's like, but once you get, once you've put in a, you know, couple years and you've been doing that, it's like, that's how you learn shit, like the timing and the rhythm and the fucking wording. And I can cut this and say that instead. And it makes it, you know, know make i get the point across quicker right more efficiently yep um and then you get to a point where you say okay well you know i kind of know what i'm doing i've sort of settled into my style and i've settled into my material and and now i can relax and stop freaking out so much and just let myself you know, be on stage. Yep. You know, and then one of the other moments was in Florida, and we went to an open bike, and the guy running it didn't know that I was,

like, you know, he just thought I was, like, it was my first time, you know. And I wasn't going to go up, but one of the other comics was like, oh, yeah, it's his first time, he's nervous, you know, and I was like, come on, right? And so I went up, and I was like, I'm going to try to bomb as hard as I can. I'm going to see how bad I can bomb. I want to try to get zero laughs. Uncomfortable as possible.

Absolutely, right? Definitely. And in my head, I'm thinking, what like what's everything I can think of? Like, I mean, when the emcee said my name, I picked the most congested path to the stage. Right. Knocked over somebody's dinner. People are moving their chairs and shit so I can get through. You farted.

Yeah. Like I'm like, I awkwardly shake this hand, shook his hand, you know, and and like fumbled with the mic. And, you know, just everything I could think of to do wrong. Like, I fucked up punch line. I'd say the punch line first and then say the set up. Titties McGee. Anyway. And I'd, like, stumble in and, like, try to be like, oh.

So, all right. So I was at a Burger King. Fuck. I was at a Burger King the other day, and I was like, hey, I was going to get a shake. You know, like that kind of breathy shit. I walked four people, right? And the thing is that doing it on purpose. How many strikes did you throw? How many strikes? Ah!

But, like, bombing on purpose, like, that's one thing. Like, if you see a comic that's on stage talking a mile a minute, right, it's because they're nervous. Right. They're afraid of the silence. Subconsciously, they're thinking, as long as I keep talking, nobody will hear the non-laughter. Yeah, I know what you mean.

And so to, like, go the opposite direction, to turn around and face that big silent gorilla that most comics run from and to, and to really drink it in, you know, and to say like, I'm not only am I going to bomb, but I'm going to fucking,

I'm going to like just swallow it whole. Like I am going to eat this fucking set. Right. And, uh, and to do it on purpose, it, it really like like it kind of changes your perspective a little bit that's pretty cool too because you if you do have a bad set you're like

oh this is the worst set on the worst but now you know where your bottom is you're like well i'm not fucking here you know what i mean like i had a shitty set but it's not the end of the world like i know where my shittiest set is right so and it teaches you like you're saying to not be afraid of it right so what if there's a little bit of silence yeah who cares be comfortable like you can use silence you know yeah create tension yeah dana gold was uh talking about that on a on a different podcast on the nerdist podcast he was saying that he likes to have those kind of uncomfortable moments because it makes the crowd pay attention.

And then he takes them in a different direction where he'll make it awkward on purpose and then take the crowd back. Be like, no, no, no, I'm in control here. We're all paying attention to me. So yeah, you definitely can use those silences to your advantage if you command them properly versus just like, so do they shake it you know but if you actually know what you're doing

yeah exactly yeah there was a comic who um he would actually hold the mic a little further away from his mouth be a little quieter take the bass out of his voice a little bit and just kind of talk softly and and like so the sound guy was trying to like and i he knows what he's doing right don't just leave the fucking sound where it is and uh what he was doing was that there was therety tables, and it got people to shut up. Instead of trying to drown them out and overpower them. He went NPR on their asses. Yeah.

Interesting. So it forced them to come to him. Right. And then once he did, then he brought it up a little bit when he needed to, and then he brought it up a little bit when he hit a punch you know and it's and he would amp it up like when he had like moments that he wanted to punch something and then it like you know it was like wow just and the crowd the crowd has no idea what's happening like they're not aware of any of this right right yeah but

all right okay of any of this. Right, right. Yeah. But. All right. Okay. Is there anything else you wanted to talk about, Mike Stork? Anything you want to plug? Yeah. Not really.

All right. Doing Toledo, Ohio next weekend. We have a lot of listeners in Toledo. Do you? No. Holy Toledo, Dewey. Toledo, Spain, actually.

I'll be doing that. I'll see you at Toledo. Damn it. Let's order a Toledo's pizza. Huh? Nah, I don't really have anything to plug. Me and Doug Powell might be putting something together.

I don't know. Get some shit cooking. Yeah, but where are you doing stand-up? We don't care what's in your oven. I've got to get home. I misinterpreted. My next show is in Connections in Toledo, Ohio.

So I don't have anything around here for a while. All right. Yeah. Cool. I'll be hanging out at Wegmans. See Mike Stork on the second floor. Working on some material. You know it.

Well, Mike, I wanted to thank you. You are a good guy. The first time I did stand up, you were hosting the open mic at a pizza place around here called Joe Squared. Yep. And the now defunct Mike Stork Experience open mic night. Yep. I'm pretty sure that's what it was called. Something like that. It was called the now defunct.

Yeah, the now defunct. That's what we ought to do. May as well just get it out of the way. So that way when it happens. who are we fooling now um but yeah uh my buddy and i we were gonna we were gonna do stand-up for the first time we were nervous as shit you were hosting and uh yeah you were just you were super cool to us you're like oh is it your first time you know just chill out take it easy don't be up there for more than four minutes and i was like i don't know where i would be able to perform you did like five i think i did almost eight i did 740 yeah i let you run too yeah no shit i was just like and then so this and stuff is

exactly what we're talking about we're like if i don't if i stop talking then they won't know right so but yeah i just wanted to thank you for being really cool. From what I can tell, every time I've seen you, you've been really good to local comics and stuff. I try to be. When you intro'd us, you did a nice thing talking about eating shit sandwiches.

You were saying when you first started, when I first started, I was eating a huge shit sandwich. And then as I kept going, there. When I first started, I was eating a huge shit sandwich. And then as I kept going, there's a little more bread, a little less shit, a little more bread, a little less shit. A little more bread. I think we just found a name for the podcast for this episode. Shit sandwich?

A little more bread, a little less shit. A little less shit. Are we going to be bread and shit? Would those be like our wacky names? Oh, no. I'm saying for this particular podcast. We usually name each episode after something. How about shit focaccia?

Focaccia. Focaccia. Yeah, focaccia. Focaccia. But, yeah, I just want to thank you for being a good dude, man. No worries. Thanks, Mike. You've been in comedy for 11 years, and you're still nice to the guys that are trying it out and coming up.

Well, there's like Pauly Shore. Was it? Right, right. He was last week. The Goobs. And he's got a reputation for being a douchebag. Nuh-uh. I know, right?

Are you serious? Yeah. You're in the Army now. I know. It's a biodome of shitty douchebags. I'm having deja vu. You're not my son-in-law. We already did this.

Well, Jen Tisdale hosted that show, and she was talking all about how she was. This was prior to her hosting, but she was pumped. Yeah. Supposedly, she's a real fan of the weasel. Yeah. Well, yeah, and that's the thing. Most comics are excited to open for people like Pauly or Screech or whatever. Carlos Mencia.

And still, after it happens. Right. And then they're like, man, who's Dick? Right. Fuck him. And the thing is, is it's like you have people that were famous when they were younger. And now they don't have that same adulation and attention that they used to have. Yeah.

That they're accustomed to. Right. That they're accustomed to. Right. And they're used to being able to get away with doing and saying whatever the fuck they It's like hot chick syndrome. Like, you get everything when you're hot, and then all of a sudden you're 40 and you're not attractive. It's like, shut up. We don't care.

It could also be. But when you're 19, no one ever told you to shut up. It's like, right. Yeah. It's so interesting. Go on. Do you think it could be the fact that the assholes just don't stay on top?

Like bullshit gets you on top, but it won't keep you there. Maybe. I'll say this. Some of the comics... I've worked with enough big comics to where I've started to see patterns. The comics that are I feel

are at the top of their game are decent people. Right. You know, like, you know, Pauly Shore, fucking, you know, Mark Curry. Remember him? Hanging with Mr. Hooper. Oh, yeah, yeah. He was a dick. Really?

And it's like, you know, as a comic, he was okay. Like, that's about, I would say he was okay. He wasn't great. Like, his acts acts you mean yeah his stand-up was like well it's not terrible right now like paulie shore has no act right you know but but anyway but uh but then you work with somebody like you know like jim gaffigan lewis black hedberg like those guys they're decent people right you know you worked with mitch hedberg wow that's awesome couple, bunch of times.

Wow. How was he? He was cool. Yeah. I mean, he's... I've never heard anybody say a bad word about him. It's like Brian Regan, you know? Like, nobody...

If anybody ever talks shit about Brian Regan, they're lying. Right. You know? Like, he has a reputation for being, like, a good dude. The nicest guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, Hedberg was cool as shit, you know? Wow. You'd sit around, you'd fucking shoot the shit. Gaffigan, same thing yeah you know hedberg was cool as shit you know you'd sit around you'd fucking shoot the shit um gaffigan same thing you know um i mean you know but then you work with trying to think of who i worked with it was a dick um i can't believe mr cooper was a dick he was a dick he's a cokehead right i don't know i don't know he's just a dick i heard he was doing like massive amounts of blow up Magoobies. Check out the Mike Panazzo episode. Was he there?

Was Mark Curry there? Yeah, it was Magoobies, right? I'm pretty sure it was Magoobies. I don't know. Somewhere recently around here. Maybe it was the Comedy Factory, actually. John Panette, he's a cool guy. Okay.

I don't know. Brian Regan's got a reputation for being cool. Louis C.K.'s a down-to-earth guy like yeah um you know so it's like you look at like you know okay of all these comics like even larry the cable guy like i know a lot of comics shit on him and like i i worked with him for a week and he was a nice guy. He wasn't a dick. He seems very nice. I saw a piece on him on 60 Minutes. He donates to charity and stuff.

He just seems... In his acts, you can't really hold a grudge against him. See, the thing is, I actually said this to somebody once. We got into a conversation about Larry the Cable Guy. I honestly think if you really break it down if you dissect it most comics i don't think most comics really have an issue with him i think they have an issue with his fan base right they it's it's not so much because if you look at his actual set if you look at like the jokes the material the set structure okay yeah it's a character it's a character. It's a persona.

But there's a lot of comics that have that. Right, yeah. I'm not offended by that. But it's like if you look at the actual. I just don't like getting things done. Right. Make it didn't happen. I'm a procrastinator.

So what? Right. But, you know, it's more the fan base. It's more the drunk redneck that yells out, get her done in the middle of your bit. It's that kind of thing that I think most comics have an issue with. And that he's a fucking uber millionaire, too. That's just like, well, he's fucking doing the easy stuff. It's like, well, you weren't doing it.

You're not doing it now. There's always resentment. I think that's another part of it. It's like, well, what the fuck? Here I am trying to write smart, interesting, insightful fucking material that broadens people's minds and all this kind of shit. Comment on society. This guy wears a flannel and farts and he's fucking rich. It's like, well, people are dumb. People vote with their dollars and if that's what

they like right so but but generally speaking i feel like like the good comics have that sort of you know they don't treat other people like shit right you know they're nice to everybody right not just the people that are important you know right right yeah and and so to me it's like that's you know i look at that as an example you know like this is you know i mean this is this is this is the way to be right like be you know don't be a dickhead you know right yeah where is that gonna get you i never understand that like there's no ultimate top spot in comedy that you have forever it's like i'm a dick to everybody and i do really well it's all mine right no it doesn't work like that but i think people can i mean i've seen it a lot just on at

the workplace where people get like a certain amount of power and they just go to their head yeah yeah i think that happens pretty well i think the people in general the competition part i think is what becomes the corrosive element you know what i mean like it's like i gotta do better than this guy when it's right like if they're doing well it means you're gonna do well it's good for comedy in general like i mean especially locally and stuff like that you know i mean if somebody's blowing up and doing well it's gonna get other people interested going out to see comedy and stuff yeah people people get like held back by petty resentments and shit all the time, I think.

It's always better to have a good attitude with anything. I think that's where some of the attitude comes from, is the resentment. You'll hear stories about a comic who got shit on and treated like shit by club owners and bookers and stuff. And then once that comic reaches a position where now they're on top and they get to call the shots, now it's payback time. Right. And I get it. I mean, I understand it.

There was a story about a famous comic, and I don't know if it's true or not, but it's a good story, where he had some crazy shit in his contract where they had to have a giant brandy snifter filled with green M&Ms that were cut in half or something. And one of the comics asked him about it in the green room. And he's like, I'll tell you later. And then once the waitresses and the manager was gone he basically said when i was coming up like before i got on tv and all that stuff this this that club owner was a fucking asshole right he wouldn't he wouldn't put the comics up in a hotel you know he paid shit you had to sleep on a fucking couch

in a green room or find a place to crash and you know he wouldn't feed you and he was just an asshole and and i always swore that like if i ever came back here i was gonna make him fucking right now like you know fuck you you know because you treat the comics like shit so right now right you know payback yeah so you know right on yeah i heard every time ed Griffin plays, I think the comedy store, they have to buy him a fresh pair of white Air Jordans or he won't perform. Are you serious? Yeah. Just that one location? I think so.

Or maybe it's every time he performs. I don't know. Apparently Eddie Griffin's like super nuts. Joe Rogan talks about it. He's like, Joe Rogan, I tell you, I was doing Taekwondo with Bruce Lee one time. And like just says like the craziest shit. All right. Well, let's take a break and then we'll say our goodbyes and wrap this motherfucker up.

All right. Wrap it up like a mummy. Oh, shit. Time to wrap it the F up. About to get wrapped in here. Wrapped up like a tasty cake in cellophane. Wrapped up like a tasty cake in cellophane. Wrapped up like a plot of a cereal story. Wrapped up like a Christmas package that is destined for children's hospital. Yep.

As the old saying goes. All right. Well, Mike. That's it? No more wrapping jokes? Wrap it up like the Not Wrap it up like a... Like the Notorious B.I.G.? Yeah.

Wrap it up like I'm about to get busy in a Burger King bathroom. What? Oh, oh, right. Intercourse. My name is Humpty. Pronounce it Humpty. Once got busy in a Burger King bathroom. Isn't that one?

Once got busy in a Burger King bathroom. Did they censor the word Burger King on MTV? The Humpty Dance is your chance to do the hump. You know what? I just missed my last chance to do the hump. No, you can hump forever. No, the Humpty Dance was my only chance to do the hump. The Humpty Dance is your chance to do the hump.

It says it right in the song. The hump, the bump, something to do the hump. Hump, hump, hump. It doesn't make any sense. Like the Humpty Dance is your chance to do the hump? That's like saying this dance is your chance to do this dance. Really? The Humpty Dance is your chance to do the hump.

The hump is the move. The Humpty Dance is the medium to which. So the hump is just one of many moves within the Humpty Dance. It's kind of like saying the electric slide is your chance to meet the girl. No, it would be more like the electric slide is your chance to slide to the left. Or that. It's also your chance to slide to the right. It's also your chance to do many things. It like the the mambo is your woogie woogie

it's like enlightenment it it's like the uh i don't know what's a dance is your chance to lift your heel the moonwalk dance is your chance to lift your heel. Lift it, baby. Lift it, baby. Rear. Rear. Rear. Rear. I don't know what's happening anymore. Bam, bam, bam, bam. You don't remember that? I knew we shouldn't have given you those.

He's like nine years old. Yeah. But that was like one of the earliest rap songs I think I was aware of. What, the Humpty Dance? Probably, yeah. Do you remember Microphone Fiend? No. That was a good one i remember that

digital underground yeah same thing had the schnoz yeah tupac yeah i remember i remember the hump but i don't remember anything else he did or tupac was a part of the digital yeah he was like a dancer he rapped a little bit too did he was he really yeah yeah that's how he like started out get the fuck out yeah there's he was in the videos and everything yeah but he he looks really yeah there's like an egyptian theme or something like that he's like dressed like a pharaoh in one of the videos before he became like super west side gangsta rapper i have to have to look for that yeah i'm pretty sure he's in the humpty dance video like somewhere before i came to the team i melted microphones instead of cones of ice cream. Remember that one?

Nope. They try to take the mic and say, yes, y'all. Say I'm too small. Cool, I don't get upset. I kick a hole in the speaker, pull the plug, then I jet back to the lab without a mic to grab.

Then I had all the rhymes I had. One after another. You don't remember that? Yeah, who was that? It was, I don't remember. It was Microphone Fiend. I like how we're like, no. He's like, well, let me sing the whole song

for you. I don't remember. But there was one line where he was like, he's like, the mic is a volcano, or the mic is a Drano, volcanoes erupting. And it was like, me and my friend could have sworn that he was talking about Drano bombs. Like, he's talking about Drano bombs.

Cool. He's blowing up mailboxes. That is funny when, like, as a teenager you'll ascribe meanings He's talking about Drino Box He's blowing up mailboxes Fuck yes That is funny when as a teenager You'll ascribe meanings to songs Based on your own interests Interpretations He's huffing paint markers just like us

What? He's talking about masturbating 14 times a day Just like us He's a. Just like us. He's a demon, just like us. I just want to do stand-up as a Tusken Raider. Okay. Just like hold a mic stand over my head.

You know what? Get like two or three other people to dress up like Tusken Raiders. And just like the whole time just like. What's a Tusken Raider? Sand people. Star Wars, right? Star Wars. Because that's what stand-up needs is more Star Wars references.

Fuck yeah, dude. Not enough. But like do something. Fuck yeah. And just have like the three sand people in the audience lose their shit. Hold on. Dude, that would be funny if you did it in Klingon or something and no one understands it, but then you look back

and there's a table of Klingons. Dude, that would be like a good hidden camera thing or something. Yeah. All right. Well, first of all, the term sand people offensive. Yeah. Well, actually, there's the National Association for the Advancement of Sand People. Oh, really?

I think Umar Khan is the chair. Wow. That's all right. Umar's not listening. No. Over two hours. He's busy making plastic explosives. Praying to that false prophet.

Fucking donkey god or whatever Whatever Donkey Kong Where's your donkey god now? He's praying to Donkey Kong or whatever He's going to that big burrow in the sky Whatever All right

Grabbing that diaper on his head Floating on a carpet and shit Fucking eating camels or whatever the fuck they do whatever whatever whatever god didn't create all right let's wrap this thing up like a wait for you to finish that one camels all right yeah i'm gonna shut up because we're never going to get out of here. All right. Thank you, Mike Stork, for coming over.

Come back anytime. And thank you, Mike Stork, for being the only one still listening. Yeah. Pretty much. Shout out to Mike Stork in the future. Mike and Josh. Our three listeners that are still with us. Me in the future.

Broke it it doesn't matter at this point shouldn't even have been on the whole time alright thank you everybody thanks dickheads rock on and we will talk to you soon zip it up and zip it out A councilman from Dearborn, Michigan is outraged over a 911 call.

He wants to know why no charges have been filed against a police officer who admits to confiscating marijuana from suspects and then baking it in brownies. And once he and his wife were full and high, they thought they'd overdosed and called 911. I think I'm having an overdose of my wife. Marijuana. I don't know if it had something in it. Can you please send rescue? No, I'm just, I think we're dying. I don't know. We made brownies and I think we're dead. Time is going by really, really, really, really slow. Well, instead of being charged, instead of being charged, the police department let the officer resign.

His wife was not charged either. So far, police officials have not commented on the case. How do you follow a story like that? Is there anything that you guys wanted to, like, talk about? No. No.