The Digression Sessions - Ep. 120 - Josh Fruhlinger (@JFruh) !

Episode Date: June 24, 2014

Hola DigHeads! On this week’s episode, Josh and Mike sit down with hilarious comedian, writer, and blogger, Josh Fruhlinger! Follow Us On Twitter! @JFruh – Josh Fruhlinger @BetterRobotJosh – Josh Kuderna @MichaelMoran10 – Mike Moran @DigSeshPod – For Podcast Updates!

Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey everybody, I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to the Digression Sessions Podcast, a Baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians writers musicians and anyone else we find creative and interesting yes

who's the guest this week josh frlinger is the guest on this week's program, this long overdue program. Hi, welcome to the Digression Sessions. I am one half of your favorite pair of earbuds. I am Josh Kaderna. Hello. Welcome to the show. Like I said, our guest, the wonderful Josh Furlinger, very, very funny guy. He has a blog called the Comics Cremudgeon. If you go to joshreads.com, you can check that out. You can follow him on Twitter. He's at JFruh. Frulinger. Frulinger.

I say Frulinger. Frulinger. You know, Frulinger, Frulinger, tomato, Frulinger, right? Huh? Anyway. Yeah, follow him on Twitter at JFruh. Frulinger. J-F-R-U-H, at JFruh.

Josh is a very funny comedian. He is from Buffalo, New York, and then he went to Germany for a little bit. He went to San Francisco for a little bit. Then he came to Baltimore, and now he's going to L.A. But, like, soon he's going to L.A. He's a very funny guy. He was on Jeopardy. He writes this very funny blog about comics in newspapers. This is a good convo. Good convo. Yeah, so check out his stuff, The Comics Curmudgeon. Also, real quick, Josh promotes a

bunch of shows that have already passed. But if you check out his website or follow him on Twitter, you can get a chance to see him live in the Baltimore, D.C. area before he leaves, I'm sure, in August for the bright lights and the silver screens of Hollywood. Hollywood. Or L.A., or I don't know the difference. I'm just a country bumpkin. Anyway, hi, guys. Thank you for listening. Like I said, Josh Goddard here. Sitting in by myself. My co-host Mike Moran is not here. But I'm going to promote a few things. And thank you to all those that listened to our beef episode where we aired out our dirty laundry.

Got some good responses from that. And everyone was on my side. Weird. I mean, it happens, you know, in the Middle East. These, they call them dictators, but why are they getting 100% of the vote? I don't know. People like them.

People like them. So, yeah, thanks everybody for being on my side. And I want to say thank you to everybody that I met that may be listening to the podcast that I met at the Arlington Draft House this past weekend hosting shows for SNL's former SNL cast member, Chris Kattan. That was pretty crazy. That was a lot of fun to host those shows. And the great Randolph Terrence was a feature. Very, very funny guy.

So anybody that I met in the Arlington area, it was awesome to perform there and nice to meet you. And thanks for listening. And check out Randolph's podcast, too. It's called Three Guys On. Let's see. Let's see. I'm trying to cut down on the rambling. Yes, we got this podcast.

A couple things to clear up. Let's see. Josh was awesome in Chuckle Storm. I enjoyed the X-Men movie. And the flyer that Mike Moran is looking at was not for a show in D.C. It was, in fact, in Baltimore. So I think that answers any

unanswered questions that developed from this podcast. Also, come see us live. If you want to see us doing some stand-up or improv, you can go to digressionsessions.com slash calendar. That has everything listed. I don't know if you can hear my dog barking, but she is excited for this improv and stand-up dates.

Let's see. The day this comes out, Tuesday, June 24th, I will be at Myths and Moonshine in Baltimore doing a longer set there, doing about 20 minutes, 20 to 30 minutes. So that'll be a lot of fun. That's a free show. Come out to that. Starts at 8.30, I reckon. Wednesday, the 25th of June, I'll be at the Wonderland Ballroom in D.C. doing stand-up. Friday, I'll be at Big Hunt in D.C. doing stand-up. And Saturday, I got an improv show here in Baltimore at the Fells Point Corner Theater.

And Mike, that night on Saturday, will be playing music with his band Echo City Summer at Zissimos in Baltimore. So a bunch of opportunities to come see us live. Please do that. Please come say hi. We have stickers and all that stuff. And I think that's it. Let's see. Oh, follow us.

Follow us on Twitter. Follow us on Twitter. I am at BetterRobotJosh. Mike is see. Oh, follow us. Follow us on Twitter. Follow us on Twitter. I am at BetterRobotJosh. Mike is at MichaelMoran10. The podcast is at DigSeshPod. Follow us. Come say hi. At BetterRobotJosh on Instagram as well, guys.

Social media. Dog going nuts. Anyway, sorry for the delay in episodes. It's been a crazy couple weeks just being really busy. But this was a really fun episode with Josh, and I hope you guys enjoy it. Bye-bye. We love you. Twisty, twisty.

Uh-huh. La. Do that again. Take me home. Okay, yeah, I can hear you. Okay, that's fine. That's fine. Do that again? Okay, yeah, I can hear you. Okay, that's fine. That's fine. If you say it's working, it must be working.

You guys know your business. Yeah, this will be the whole podcast. So Josh, tell me about Jeopardy. It's, uh, it's... No, this is where you shut up. All right, damn it. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Now let's talk gazpacho.

What are your thoughts? It's like, it's just tomato soup that's cold gazpacho What are your thoughts? It's just tomato soup that's cold No! I will not be silenced! Is it really cold? It is, that's the whole point of it Is there a hot version? It's tomato soup Why is the cold one getting cold?

Do you remember that from the Simpsons When Lisa became a vegetarian She's like, I made enough gazpacho for everyone. And then nobody acts. They didn't explain the whole. Yes, she did. She says, it's tomato soup served ice cold. And then everyone jeers at her.

Oh, yeah. And Barney goes, go back to Russia. Because it sounds like Gestapo. That's the best one. Or Borscht. I don't know. I don't know if Borscht is warm or not. Don't bother answering my question, guys.

Soup talk. Well, if you're going to get the fuck off your Don't bother answering my question, guys. Let's just do a soup talk. Well, if you're going to get the fuck off your phone, then maybe we'll do that. Everyone's on their phone all the time. What are you doing, Mike? I'm trying to find when this show is. When this show is? No, when the DC show is that you're inevitably going to ask me about, and I'm not going to know, and I still don't know, even though I have the flyer right here. It doesn't say the location.

You're looking at the flyer and it doesn't say anything? Correct. It says stuff. I'm not looking at a black screen. But not like where it is. What's the point of this flyer? That's what I'm wondering myself. It's building buzz.

It's laying the groundwork and people are going to be like, where is that show? Hey man, we're talking about it. It feels like our guest Is like a half a room away You guys are so You might have to just Pull it from here

And just pull this whole thing Closer I feel like we're a rich family Having dinner around a table That's way too huge A rich family that doesn't Love each other So we're sitting

Symbolizing how far We are from each other Emotionally That money does not buy you Family happiness But it does buy you A huge fucking table. Look at this table. It's actually two tables

put together. If they would sell the table and get something fun, then money could buy happiness. Like a ping pong table? Exactly. A ping pong table they could all play together or just a trip somewhere. Trip somewhere. Nice. Alright. Let's quit fucking around with

this table talk. It's literally table talk. This is literally. Welcome to table talk, Josh. All tables all the time. I like a particle board myself. Is this the first time we've had two Joshes on the show at once? I believe so.

Really? We've certainly had two Mikes. Everyone born between like 1975 and 1985 is named Josh. How is that even possible? I was 86, so I was a little... You're behind the curve. I am behind. I am behind.

I was leftovers. My mom's like, that's still cool, right? They're like, no, that was 85, you bitch. And she was like, Grandpa, why do you say that? My great-grandpa was a real dickhead. Yeah, it sounds that way. Anyway. Not named Josh, I bet.

No, no, no. They didn't name people in the olden days, Josh. No, his name was like Gorp or something. You know. Because of the war. We didn't have vowels. We had to give up our name so they could have names over there. That's right.

They would have name drives. Everybody would bring their birth certificate down to the Salvation Army. FDR says there's no more Georges. It's just a bunch of grips now. Support our boys. Just grip. Right. All right.

Guys named George think ships are bored. Our guest is another Josh. Yeah. Josh. Some might say the first Josh. You know, those people would be dumb. They might say it. They might say it.

You know, the first. It's kind of accurate chronologically to me. I mean, we could talk chronology. We could? Alright. Let's start with one. We could work on the pronunciation of chronology as well. We could talk about that. You might be the first, but are you the best?

Yes. We'll find out after this break. Do you want to make more money? Sure, we all do. Is your wife hassling you? All right. Josh Frulinger. That is correct.

Frulinger. Frulinger. Frulinger. Frulinger. You have to let it smell. You do. You have to let it. It's just like fru plus linger.

It's very easy to pronounce. Despite every person I ever watch encounter it in real time, and I just see the car running into the wall oh mr that's over here over here yeah that's me what's the worst uh hatchet job of your name that you've heard um i've heard fruckling oh yeah well i mean there were also when you were when i was in elementary school it was like fruit finger fruit finger. Fruit finger. Are your fingers made out of fruit?

They really pushed that. So it wasn't like you were fingering other men. No, that's actually a much more advanced insult. They were like 12. They were just sort of like... Do you think that would be your perfect age for gay panic

jokes? They don't think that deeply at that age. No, they don't. You don't get to Mike Moran level of mock names. You should see Mike on the playground now, just destroying. I will bring a child to tears. Why did you say that? Can you please leave?

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Fruit finger! You just call everybody fruit finger? So, what was the worst you said, wouldn't you? Fruit finger. You just call everybody fruit finger. So what was the worst you said? I'm sorry. I saw someone say Frucklinger once. Yeah, it's always bad. There's no Ks in this one.

When they add letters. I've had that too. Like, Josh Codono? No, no, no. That's all right. Yeah, but that was the worst too. If you have a semi-difficult name especially in school when the substitute was there and they're going through roll call and they're just like all right okay

betsy betsy klein okay and josh uh-oh um help me out on this one it's like it's not that hard right yeah also you could have spent like 30 seconds before the class yeah but whatever i was gonna try to respect you unlike every other child in this class, but now I won't. It's over. It's over between you and me, sub. And it's your fault, sub-bitch lady. That's what I called her. Hey, Miss Teach-a-Bitch. It's not Kodono. How did that go over for you? Pretty good. I podcast out of my house

now, so, you know, things are working out for me. Josh, you're a very funny guy. First time I saw you was at Chuckle Storm, which you will be at again. In two days. It's going out before that. No, this is going to come out after. And you killed.

I did. It was great. It went awesomely. Thank you. So you did a PowerPoint presentation. Oh, yeah. I did the penis enlargement spam thing. Yes.

Right. I haven't done that since. It was very funny. Because there aren't any enough venues that do weird shit like that. I love Chuckle Storm. I'm doing something much weirder this time. Really?

Can you give us a preview? Because I probably won't show up. Okay, that's great. It is this character I'm working on that I've done once before called Gary,

the emotionally fragile substitute yoga instructor. Oh, wow. There's some synchronicity there. I'm not talking substitutes. Yeah, yeah. So Gary gets his share

of abuse from the class. Oh, no. Gary. From the other teachers who think they're better than him, which is why they have their own class, and he just subs. Do they call him substitute yoga teacher bitch? No. See, in the world of yoga,

people are more passive-aggressive about their hostility. Yeah, of course. No one's just going to come out and make fun of Gary. But Gary doesn't get invited to the yoga retreats. In fact, he has a sub when other people go to the yoga retreats. That sort of thing. That hurts. And then he works it out

emotionally with his students. He's also, much like myself, not very good at yoga, which is a problem as a yoga instructor. Always a sub, never a full teacher. Exactly. Three times a sub, never a full teacher. Exactly. Three times a sub, never a teacher. That's what you have to have looked

forward to if this had gone out before Wednesday. I am very excited. I'm looking forward to it. Like I said, it's already happened at this point, and you killed. I thought so. Actually, Gary will be appearing again on June 13th, I think, at Everything All the Time, which is this cabaret thing that Rain, Alexander, and Fiona, last name I cannot remember, do.

We'll edit it in in post. Okay, yeah. Just be like, Jenkins. I did not forget it. She's a lovely person who I'm humiliating on this podcast. Very long edit. Yeah. Anyway, so that's Garyary's happening then too nice

so uh so yeah so the first time i saw you you were doing that and i thought you were just doing stand-up or like you're but uh a variation on stand-up all right would you classify yourself as a stand-up i do like so i've only been doing stand-up proper for like a couple years and i do do things that are just like regular stand-up but for like a couple years uh-huh um and i do do things that are just like regular stand-up but um i like doing weird stuff like that though i think yeah i think that's interesting um i did so i've been um uh i have this blog that i do about comic strips that i've done for like 10 years that is popular in the world of blogs which is means not popular in real life but like i you know i really so i did get actually get invited like like five years ago and this

thing in new york that was called i figured it was like some internet comedy thing and it was like people who are funny on the internet and you were supposed to bring something funny from the internet to do and so that's i developed that penis enlargement fam slideshow for that no you should have brought them three girls one cup i think this was that might have been before the two girls yeah one cup and i someone would have brought that otherwise i all about cat ninja you could have brought them cat i felt slightly because i was like i worked up this whole thing yeah not to not to brag but i worked up this whole thing for it and then like half the other people were like here's a youtube video and they just played it and they're like that was fucking funny wasn't it and they had nothing to do and they had nothing to do with it yeah so it's like god damn it

did you consider keyboard cat i did and then i discarded it i thought i thought he was played out yeah um but so i did that and it went well and then i didn't do anything on staging for like three years that was that was terrifying and that's done that chuck that off the list but um yeah so then i i don't know like a couple years ago now i think like two years ago now uh-huh i had a this full-time job that i quit because jobs are for suckers yeah take that people listening in their cubicles that's right that's right you like a live action version of Goodfellas. Sad, sad people. No, I mean, I have freelance gigs and stuff I do. I do work.

I'm not a welfare queen. We should clear it up right now. He's a vagrant. I am. He kind of just stumbled in here. I'm somebody on the internet. I have a long, luxurious hobo beard. Those listening at home, I keep my dinty more stew tucked into.

I'm getting lost in it, actually. It's very beautiful. So I was like, so what am I? So I'm going to try to do more things. So that's when I started doing stand-up. Oh, nice. So I've only been doing it for a couple years. But it's been fun around here.

Okay, okay. You're very funny, dude. Yeah, you are. Thank you. So, yeah, tell me more about this uh this this blog you maintain so it is a very weirdly specific niche blog um which normally that leads into description of some horrifying sexual fetish like japanese girls stepping on cockroaches and high heels no but that's a good url to own dot tumblr.com. Dot biz. That's the only one. That's the only one left.

Right. No, it's called The Comics Curmudgeon, and it is all about newspaper comic strips. Uh-huh. Like, when I first moved to Baltimore, I still got to print newspaper, because that was what you did back in the day. Well, because you're homeless. Right, right. You need to stay warm.

You keep informed. You can't curl up with a blog in the cold winter. You keep your fingers from freezing off. Right, that's their slogan. Keep informed and stay warm. Newspapers. Homeless people are the only people keeping the newspaper business going right now. Yeah, and they keep cutting the amount of pages.

So it's like even the homeless people are like, this is not what? I know. I saw a homeless guy in a newspaper loincloth the other day. I shit you not. Really? No, I'm just kidding. Thank God, because that would be horrifying. It's like, wow, this is not what? I know. I saw a homeless guy in a newspaper loincloth the other day. I shit you not. Really? No, I'm just kidding. Thank God, because that would be horrifying. He just had a tiny barrel over his chest.

I'm very, like, the barrel, the poor people wearing barrels. Like, was there a point where barrels were cheaper than clothes? No, I can. Yeah, you get a board of barrels? A barrel is like a fine craftsmanship. Who would ever buy a barrel? No, I can actually explain that to you if you'd like. Yeah, I would actually like to know.

It started not as a homeless cliche, but as a drunkard thing, because they would punish people in some culture and some time for drunkenness by making them wear a whiskey barrel. It was symbolic of their, like, you're basically just whiskey because you drink so much whiskey, so we're going to put you in this barrel i think it's more just uh public humiliation like you know like a scarlet letter type of thing i see and then where they just like now don't take it off yeah like how did you okay they also tie you up and i don't know if they tied you up or they just like made you walk around you know how they do weird shit like that back in the day do you have

suspenders that we could latch onto this barrel and have to buy your own suspenders? I've always wondered how it worked logistically. You see little straps in the cartoons and I'm like, how is that really? That looks heavy. You probably wouldn't walk around in it. They probably just put you in one and you just sit there for a while.

And you're like, can I go back to the bar now? No. We don't have the internet, so this is our entertainment. This isn't rehabilitating me in the least. Right. I still smell the whiskey fumes in here,

and it's pretty sweet, actually. If anything, I'm more depressed and want to drink now. Yeah. I'm in a fucking barrel. Thanks, guys. My life changed

when they put me in a barrel. That's where you're... This is your story at the AA meeting. Right. So they put me in that barrel. I actually read an article in the baltimore sun not in print online um about there was this guy who was running like a drug rehab thing in baltimore and he was and but it was like he was an ex-addict and he was talking about when he hit rock bottom

and it was so he was in a vacant in baltimore somewhere that was obviously like disgusting and he was sitting one of the like three vacants in baltimore pretty much right one of the yeah the disgusting one right yeah the one okay one that's gross we know that one yeah on lorraine so so he's sitting on an overturned bucket about to shoot up heroin and this other junkie bursts in and decides that he wants to sit on that overturned bucket to shoot up heroin and they get into a fist fight over hey man that's my heroin bucket who's gonna use the heroin bucket and so about halfway through this process he was like maybe i should be doing something else with my life and that was you know that was his story so uh so he lost it or not

he lost the bucket i think if he had won the fight maybe he would have just shoot it kept shooting heroin but he was like fine and i going to get that bucket back one day. Someday. If I work hard enough, I know that one day that bucket will be mine again. I'll have all the buckets. We'll see. I don't want to ever take my bucket away from me. So anyway, I moved to Baltimore, read the paper.

And they still had back then like mary worth and apartment 3g and rex morgan and all these old like soap opera newspapers yes so weird still exist now and these are these are like they're just versions of them i sorry it's no i mean but yeah it's it's insane there's just three panels normally it blew my mind when i was a kid and saw those i was like there's no way this exists not only are there three panels a day, they have to write them. Literally, the directive from the syndicate is that at best, you can expect your audience to read three or four days a week. So you have to write it so people can do that and still not lose their place in what's happening. So they just repeat things?

So how long does it take to get through a scene? Oh, forever. There's like, in Judge Parker right now, for instance. Judge Parker can't lose? No, Judge Parker actually literally can't lose. Judge Parker is a great strip because the main characters are all rich and every storyline ends with them getting richer. Like people will just give them money or like literally someone gave them a Picasso last year because they like the cut of their jib. Sure.

It's pretty great. So there's a wedding going on right now that is being ambushed by like Romanian arms dealers. So that's actually kind of interesting. But the wedding's been going on for like nine months at this point. They just beat down the doors like, who wants this Gauguin or Van Gogh? That's right. Take it. So do they keep them in like the time that they started to exist?

No. The story started in 1983. It's been three days. They do keep it. Yeah. They'd have to keep the same technology and everything, right? They couldn't update it. They don't.

They do, though. I mean, it depends on the script, too. It is a very loose continuity. But there was one where it was like... I think I noticed there was a Judge Parker storyline that, again, took place over three or four days in strip time, but in real life, it took over a year,

and the seasons changed as to what it was in real life outside, but it actually took three days in strip time. So it's like Rocky Rules. It is. It's a little... It's technically in continuity, rocky rules it it is it's a little you can you can mix it's

it's technically in continuity but they it's its own like space-time continuum right where very little happens very quickly so i became very fascinated by these things when i started just writing a blog not just about other strips too like more conventional strips which also all still exist and most of which are terrible, like Beetle Bailey. Still kicking. Still kicking. Still kicking. Is he still up to his old shenanigans?

He is. None of them have ever fought in a war, despite the fact we've been fighting several of them over the last 12 years. So they never acknowledge... They actually did a drone strip a couple weeks ago, and I didn't even know what to do with it. I was like, I can't even comment. So is there ever a serious one, like during 9-11 or something like that, where they hang up the humor for one week? Beetle Bailey's like, who farted?

They just did a... After the towers come down. They did a Memorial Day strip this weekend where it was like they meet this old guy and he talked about like fighting in, I don't know, I guess it was supposed to be World War II or something. Get the Gulf War. And it was like, oh, and I'm free now and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like,

half the people in the strip are fucking soldiers and we're not even going to touch that. Nope. They're not going to have to go off and fight anybody. I mean, I wouldn't send them to fight anyone.

They seem bad at it. They're not. So we'll scratch that off the list of options. Okay, so... Mr. President, don't send in Doodle Bailey. Whatever you do, don't do. Camp Swampy must never be deployed.

So, and then that's the blog? It's like every day, I take like three or four strips from that day and make fun of them. Or use it as a thing to bounce off. And that's what got you to this internet party five years ago? Right, and it's also opened up other online writing things like i used to write for wonkat which if that

means anything to you it was like a it was more big and like let me tell you this doesn't mean shit to me it was big and the more big and like the mid to late aughts and it was like it was like it was a politics it still exists and it's still great but it you know it's moment sort of passed but i i wrote i wrote um i wrote for that up until the last election actually i got to live blog mitt romney's concession speech which was pretty sweet holding back the tears a little bit a little bit you could tell he cried no he doesn't have human here to tear ducks right okay so they're like injecting them backstage it took a while for them to calibrate the circuitry. It must show some emotion. What's happening?

The flashing the emotion sign. Yeah, exactly. What is this thing called pain? Let me ask you this, Josh. Is there ever good ones? Are you ever like, wow, this was actually really funny? Yeah, I mean, I tend to enjoy... Oh, you're asking.

Okay. There is sometimes, and I do something something like especially if it's one that sucked forever and it's like this is the first funny high and low as since like 2003 and i because i when i would know because i've read them all so right and i'll acknowledge that but the ones that are consistently funny which still sort of exist i usually don't talk about because what's the point right What's the point if you can't be cool to someone? You ever read Perry Bible Fellowship? Yes. I love that. I actually moderated a panel that he was on.

Really? Again, because I was like, you're a cartoon guy. You should moderate a panel of cartoonists. Sure. Okay. And it was at Small Press Expo in Bethesda, which is all Comics Nerd stuff. What is this show? I mean, Nerd stuff. What is this show? I mean, not show.

What is this comic strip? It's called The Perry Bible Fellowship. And it's not in newspapers, which is why it's funny. It was in the City Paper for a while. Oh, was it? For a stretch, yeah. Not anymore, though.

It's not in Daily Papers. Does the City Paper still have syndicated stuff? Yeah, Dirt Farm is still there. Okay, that's good. I think a couple others. Yeah. Do they do Red Meat still? I always like Red Meat. I don't think so. Yeah. Do they do red meat still? I always like that.

I don't think so. I really feel like you guys are just making this stuff up. You know, bleep blorp, that's still there. And gah. They still have gummy butts? Yeah, gummy butts is good. Gummy butts, it's seen better days, I feel like. Well, yeah.

Transbo, they still doing transbo? Yeah. Blue Pelican is shit now. Shit. Total shit. Total shit. It used to be so much better. The newspaper world is like, in terms of daily newspapers around the country, if you're blondie

or like some of the... That's why you have that fantastic rack, right? Yeah. You can't see it on the radio here, people, but it's lovely. We're not on the radio, so you definitely can't. It's like the radio. Yeah. Internet radio.

It's the closest thing. I don't listen to the radio either. You told me this was going to be AM radio. I know. I know. We're working on it. All right. Hopefully in the next week we'll be on the AM dial.

Truckers around America will be baffled by this. And now for some British guys talking about the news. A man in Kazakhstan today. There's some truckers like, what do Mike Moran's tits look like? That sounds pretty good. Speaking of truckers and tits, I may digress for one second. That is the name of the show. It's called the digression session.

Truckers and tits? Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Welcome back to truckers and tits. I'm trucker and he's tits. It's all good. On my way back from Virginia this week, I passed by a trucker and a truck.

And it had a handwritten sign on the back of the truck that said, Flash a Trucker Day. It had a smiley face. Just to let you know it was all in fun. Yeah. And then it wasn't like if there was a gun or something instead of a smiley. As I pulled up to the side right by

his cab, it said, there's another sign that said, just do it! Exclamation point. He really put a lot of thought into the sequencing. Yeah, he probably studied psychology. He probably went through color psychology and figured out exactly which marker she used. They've already been softened up by the sign on the back.

Are we positive there's not a Nike tie-in here somewhere? I think that might be their brand. There's an exclamation point in this. Okay. No swoosh symbol to be found. My wife tells me that she did

drive out of a rest area once and there was a trucker who just had a sign that he held up in his window that said Big Hard Cock. Nice! And I was like, did he want Big Hard Cock or did he want to let you know that he had a Big Hard Cock? He's advertising. He's advertising.

Maybe he held up the wrong, maybe like the other side is like big tits. Right. Like depending on. He was just like, whatever, I'll do whichever. Come on. Lonely on the road. He was like, oh crap, wrong one. Flipped over. Yeah.

I crave cock. Ah, damn it. I really shouldn't have written that on the back. I keep doing this. It bleeds through because of the marker. You can see it. You can see it says I crave cock. He puts a big X over cock.

He puts boobs. I got this from my gay friend. Crosses out cock, long-term relationships. My driving instructor, he worked in a toll booth, and he said truckers are the weirdest people. He said nine times out of ten, they were always cross-dressers. Nine times out of ten. I find that hard to believe. 90% of all truckers in America are cross-dressers.

It came through his toll booth. Nine out of ten. He might not have said nine out of ten, but he said a lot. He said a lot. Well, basically because they have to open the door to pay the toll, so you could always just see it just wearing a dress or whatever from below. Maybe it's hot in there, and it's just better for circulation. A lot of Scottish truck drivers, I think.

Maybe. They have their own little world in there. I'm sure there's lots of porn. I'm just assuming. A ton. Meth labs. I remember thinking, oh, it's cool they got their little bunk up there,

but that's nice and cozy. And then I was like, oh, they're sad people. That's what it is. If trucking weren't so difficult, I could see myself doing something like that. What do you mean difficult? I have a friend who did it and he said it was miserable. Unless you're really into

driving trucks, it's so hard to do. Sounds awful. I mean, once you get the hang of it, you know, but just the whole process of learning how to control those things and not kill somebody is very difficult. Yeah, there's that, and then just being alone forever. I could be cool with that.

I like the being alone part. You guys say that, but I mean just weeks and weeks. Yeah. That's where the big hard cock sign comes in. Whenever you're feeling lonely, boom. It's not like you can't go to the local Y. And then what?

Find some big Heart Cox. Have you heard the song? Come on. Okay. Oh, that's the unedited version? The Big Heart Cox? If I could get paid to just drive around the country, I think I'd be pretty okay with that. But I just wouldn't want to handle one of those trucks.

It sounds pretty awful. I would not enjoy that. I was pretty good at that trucker video game. Do you remember that? Yeah, the arcade game? Yeah. I liked that. What was that called? I don't remember that? Yeah, the arcade game? Yeah, I liked that. What was that called?

I don't remember that. I think it was called Big Road Truckers. Yeah, yeah. And it would shout out like, Big Road Truckers. Yep. And that definitely sounds like one of those names that was the first thing they thought of. They're like, all right, good. And the funny thing was it wasn't even really that fantastical.

You were pretty much just driving a truck. Well, the cool part was you had the big wheel. Right. Oh, this sounds familiar now that you say that. Was there like, you know how in other games you can collect like health points? Were there things where you could collect like meth or like amphetamines? I guess is what you would call it in truck form. You get flashed and you get life.

You get more jittery, but you can go longer. Yeah, there's a big hard cock sign button. You're just like, go, go, go, go, I've got to do these cocks to get through this trip. It's just like cock shooting. And you get to the bonus level, it's just like a room full of gold cocks that just shoot up. I'm doing really well

at this game. So more about your blog. Oh, yeah. As we transition from big hard cocks. There's not a lot of cocks on my blog. There's a couple though, right?

I do have advertising on it and they don't like... Yeah, I was looking at it today. You got theaudible.com? Is that on there? Yeah, I do. Look at you. Look at you.

Because I appeal to the intellectuals when I make dick jokes about Mary Worth. Uh-huh. Yeah. So I have that, and I do some other writing online. So I've been doing more stand-up and just trying to do other things. So this is, I'm uh moving to uh my wife and i're moving to los angeles and never heard of it like the end of los angeles maryland yes los angeles maryland is actually a neighborhood in baltimore it's one of the shittier ones but

they're like you know it's like there's already the beverly hills right and hollywood yeah there's a lot of yeah cockiesvillekeysville. Cockeysville. What are you moving to L.A. for? Cockeysville. To do the same stuff now, but maybe also write for television. Really? Can I be in a show? Yes.

Do you want me to write a show for you called Moran? Please. Yeah. It'll be great. I'll be so wacky. You won't even believe it. You should just be... No, you should be like Angry Mike Moran for like half an hour. And then like everyone else should be like a really... Ah, crap. Everyone else should be like a Mike Moran for half an hour. And then everyone else should be like a really...

Ah, crap. Everyone else should be like a sitcom archetype. And then they'd be like, oh, that Mike Moran. And you'd be like, everything is useless. Okay, here's an idea for a sitcom. What if it's like one guy that's completely normal, and he's living in a sitcom world, and everybody else acts like they're in sitcoms.

And the whole time he's just like, what the hell? Why are people acting like this? I lock my door, but they just keep walking in. I don't understand. Why do they... Why does my house only have three walls? What's happening?

What the fuck happened here? Where is that laugh track coming from? At the end of the first half hour, it just like, he goes mad. Yeah, why do I... I come to... It's like a Twilight Zone.

Right. This is still happening. I come to for a half hour every week. No, don't turn off the TV. I disappear. I'll die. Yeah. I feel like that's a little hour every week. No, don't turn off the TV. I disappear. I'll die. Yeah, I feel like that's a little too high concept for, you know, network. I don't know.

You don't want to be making enemies at this point by what you're saying, Josh. You're right. I'm sorry. That sounds great, Mike. Let's have a lunch about it. Well, no, don't insult the network is what I'm saying. Oh, yeah, right. Well, I meant I'm not insulting the network.

I'm insulting network viewers. Mike refers to himself as the network, too, by the way. Oh, yeah, right. Well, I meant, I'm not insulting the network. I'm insulting network viewers. Mike refers to himself as the network, too, by the way. Mike the network moran. Are you going to upload your brain to the network like Johnny Depp in that movie

that just came out that was really bad? No, no. But I am going to be a professional wrestler of the network. How is there not a rapper called The Network?

There might be. Yeah, it sounds like there might be one already. One of the guys who's always trying to sell me CDs outside the Giant on 33rd. That's a part of the economy that's still pretty going strong, I feel like.

Is the, hey man, you like music guy? I do like music. Well, you gotta listen to my new blah, blah, blah. He'll give you a sample right there? Yeah, sometimes they try if you don't avoid eye contact and keep walking. I've never had that experience. Really?

Never once. Do you not like music? Maybe they can just tell. They're like, oh, that guy doesn't like music. Look at him. I like music. I just don't like black people. Right.

He's like, okay, cool, man. Thanks. Oh, no, I'm a racist. All right, man. You have a good one. Thanks for being honest, man. Now, we had that in chicago uh when i went out there a couple months ago we were lost and uh there's one of those guys

we were trying to find theater we were performing at and he's like y'all like music well like ah we don't have time and then we're trying to like the streets are weird it's like a weird intersection so it wasn't clear what street was what street and like hey is this so-and-so street and he's like you listen to my songs, I'll tell you. And it's like, you could just fucking tell us the name of the street. Did you listen to the song? No. We figured it out.

We're like, all right. We'll do this on our own. All right. So moving to LA. But you are from New York, right? I'm actually from Buffalo, which is in New York, but it's not. That's like the opposite of New York City. It's the lesser of New York. It is. It's the second biggest city in New York, but it's not. That's like the opposite of New York City. It's the lesser of New York.

It's the second biggest city in New York. Which is like the most bullshit second claim to fame ever. You guys have alternating current. We do. We work by Niagara Falls. Look at you with your geography facts. Just looking at Wikipedia. We have a

city hall that looks like a dong. It's a beautiful Art Deco, very phallic city hall. I've always appreciated that. Very phallic, yeah. It's like living in Baltimore, like everything, like people hate on Baltimore. Yep. Like everything that could have gone even worse in Baltimore has gone wrong in Buffalo. Really?

Yeah, it's like Buffalo, you know. So the wire tanked in its first season it was like it's like all the good parts of baltimore never happened in buffalo um like you know like the um like bald like in baltimore there was the big fight to not build the elevated highway through the inner harbor right like buffalo built a huge elevated highway along its beautiful lakefront for instance so just kind of ruined the uh and then they still tried to build fancy condos on the other side of it but that didn't really work because you're right next to the elevated highway what a view huh yeah and then um so it's just kind of like i mean it's it's it's nice in its way and like right mom listening to this you don't you're you're great um but it's like it's furlingers you know great it's it's uh it's not what you think of when you think of new york i

guess sure um so i from there and then i lived in i actually lived in the san francisco area for a while before i moved to baltimore uh-huh what what brought you to san francisco i went to graduate school there oh failed at graduate school there. I went to Berkeley. I went to get a PhD. It turned out that was a terrible idea. You're like, I'm already a doctorate in pussy. That also wasn't true in graduate school.

I've got to go over my notes. I'm going to fire you. I'm ABD on that. I'm still working on the dissertation. Grad school is like no one should have sex in grad school because you the only other people there are other grad students and that's like a terrible you don't want to shit where you eat no but you also don't have sex with grad students those are both those things are true right it's like the least sexy time in your life why just because you're so busy you're so busy and like

fried your hate you hate yourself and it's like you're you know it's it's like because you're so busy all the time? You're so busy and you hate yourself. And it's like, oh, you're studying things that are pointless. I was doing ancient history, which is fun to learn about. It turns out it's not a very good career path. Not too practical. Is there ever a college career path that people go down that's practical? I feel like every single person I ever meet is like, that was a big mistake. Should we just not go to college? I don't think it was a mistake. I liked it

as an undergrad major. I feel like it's good. Just being a historian is good for learning how to read things and interpret them and understand them. But trying to become a professor... You had no idea how to do that before you went to college. It makes you better at it, I guess. But it's like... Pursuing it... Unless you're going to be a professor. Do not consume. It makes you better at it, I guess. But it's like pursuing it, unless you're going to be a professor.

Do not consume. What the hell does that mean? I don't know. I'm just going to eat it. Yeah, I know I was a history major. That's why I got my undergrad in. What was your specialty? Do you have a focus? Pussy. The history of pussy.

Minored in female anatomy. The rest of the OBGYN track Was there like a big debate Between the people that thought the first pussy was Eve And those who thought it was There was a lot of that Either way I crush it all

That was my dissertation I crush it all The Josh Goddard story And you have a degree. There it is right there. It's on the wall. It's UMBC. University of Maryland, Baltimore County. Retriever fever.

I have it. Don't tell anybody. I'm contagious with the retriever fever. I'm glad this table is so big. That's why we have the separation. You have the windscreen. The bubble. That you have to stay in. I like to pot in the bubble. I, I like to pot in the bubble.

I'm the boy that pots in the bubble. I could go pot in a bubble. But, yeah, history is one of those things that really sucked. People would always be like, what are you going to do with that? They'd say it like that. It was there. I'm going to be a trucker. Now give me my skirt.

Yes, sir. When I worked at the skirt store. Yeah, it's kind of a versatile thing at that point. But then when you get really focused on it with grad school. I want to get one of the six tenure track history professor jobs in the country. Me and the other 300 people in the country who are in grad school. That are all already occupied by... And then you just fight to the death with knives.

Yeah. Except you're grad students, and so you're really bad at that. You're just kind of like... Right. And nothing... No one ever gets their skin penetrated at all. And then you're waiting for professors to die so you can take their spot. Yeah.

No, it's really grim. It's really grim. Don't be an academic. That's my... No sex, no jobs, no fun. Yeah. Anyway. Get a blog.

Get a blog. I think that's the story here. Blogging. Non-stop sex. I've heard from people who aren't married. Right. Right. You know.

I already. Actually, I do know one person. He's a web comics artist, which is basically like you have a blog, but it's a comic instead of words. Got it. And he met his wife through his blog. Really? Like his comics were.

She was a fan of him. I thought you were going to say like his common law wife. His common. Coming. Comic. Anyway, they're married now. And so I assume that means that lots of people through, I don't know, webcomicry? Is that a word?

Because of one example, I assume that this happens all the time. That's what I learned as a history major. An anecdote is you could write a whole thesis about. Yeah, you can. No one will notice. Or read it. Or appreciate it. Or read it or appreciate it.

Or understand what you do. Definitely not. Now I'm a blogger grandma She's like oh that makes so much more sense I do thing on the internet Stuff So you go out to San Francisco For the grad schools

Then I came back here So grad school just didn't work It sucked I was bad at it But then I got a job After I quit grad school as an editor. So I had done editorial and writing stuff. Oh, nice. Or technical stuff.

Nice. Which had nothing to do with grad school. But I knew. It's like, I always liked computery things. And so it was like, if you're a person who can edit something, but then you're also not terrified by computers, which is a fairly small overlap on the Venn diagram, apparently. They're like, here's a job. You're right in there. Yeah.

Go make this work on the magic box. Okay. You know how HTML works? Oh, my God. You're some sort of super genius. WordPress, I guess. Whatever. And so I have worked there full time for a while, and then I started doing that freelance, which is nice.

It's flexible, and I get to work from home, which is great because I'm a shut-in, which works very well. Yeah, we're doing this all through Skype, we should say. I didn't want to be – I heard you have retriever fever. Yeah, well, I personally have Bieber fever. Yeah, don't we all? Did you guys hear, speaking of Justin Bieber, a group of... This is going to be super pop-cultury

non-intellectual. Bring it on. All right, so Kim and Kanye got married in Milan. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West? Those two. Kim Stevenson and Kanye Lefkowitz. Lefkowitz?

They got married in Milan in a Medici fortress. And a group of Justin Bieber fans, Italian Justin Bieber fans, heard that Justin Bieber was invited to the wedding, which it turned out was not actually true. But there were hundreds of

Justin. Maybe because he's not close with them. I don't know. It's an intimate gathering. Well, they should get to know each other. I mean, wedding's a perfect spot to hang out. I don't know. Maybe he couldn't make it because he was busy doing whatever it is he does.

He's touring, he's working hard on his next album, which I'm sure he writes all the songs. Which I'm sure is going to be great. The next one's going to be a concept. Right. Oh, yeah. It's going to be like the. The wall. The wall. The Operation Mindcr a concept. Right. Oh, yeah. It's going to be like the... The wall. The wall.

The Operation Mindcrime of Justin Bieber. Uh-huh. Yeah. So, anyway, there were hundreds of Italian beliebers. Is that what they call themselves? Uh-huh. Their self-identification. Like, laying siege to this fortress where...

If they're Italian, they're believers. They were. Yeah. So, apparently, that happened in Milan today or yesterday. And they're just storming the gates. They tried to get in, and it didn't work. And, yeah. So apparently that happened in Milan today or yesterday. And they're just storming the gates. They tried to get in and it didn't work. And yeah, so it was kind of sad. They weren't even trying to get in.

Did the God hates fags people show up? Yeah, well, that guy died. Yeah, but they're still around. They are. God still hates fags. Yeah, I mean, what do you... It's true. Yeah.

No, that guy, like, his whole family is basically that church. Like, it's an amazingly... For a long time, I actually thought that group was a performance art group run by gay people to make homophobes look terrible. A lot of people on the right thought that that was a reality when they first started gaining prominence. Because it seemed so insanely tone deaf. But apparently they are just a small family cult. But they get so much press. It's kind of like someone, people who do PR should study them in both good and bad ways.

Be the most offensive people in the country and then everyone will love you. You and 35 other people can get on TV every single time. Dr. Pepper's new slogan is like, Leviticus says, kill the gays. That's right. And you have to protest outside everything and enjoy an ice cold Dr. Pepper. Right. Kill the gays and kill your thirst, Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper.

Yeah. So I don't think those guys go to Europe, actually, because Europe is totally gay, as we all know. Oh, yeah, that's a fact. They would probably be afraid to go over there. Nine out of ten Europeans are gay. Yeah, absolutely. A toll booth attendant told me this. Former toll booth.

Are there any left? Because they've all been replaced by computers now, right? What, truck drivers? No, no, no. Europeans? Europeans have definitely been replaced. You are making a lot of wild allegations. Wow. What is in your water, right? What? Truck drivers? No, no, no. European? Europeans have definitely been replaced. You are making a lot of wild allegations. What is in your water, sir? What's the last

time you've actually put money in a toll taker's hand? Like a week ago. They still exist. Mike just found them on the street. Really? Here you go, young man. This isn't actually a toll. He lifted his broomstick and let me go by. That's nice. That's entrepreneurship or a militia.

One of those two things. I was like, really? $3,000 to pass? Well, the system does work. Ken Island better be all that they say it is for $3,000. I'll check it out. Well, I guess to get into Cockeysville. I bet people in Cockeysville, because that's a terrible name for a city,

but I bet they're glad that there's another place in Maryland that's called Skaggsville. Skaggsville. I lived in Cockeysville in high school. Did you? And the first three digits of my phone number were 666. What? Oh, yeah. Where I lived on Ken Island, our zip code was 21666.

Really? Yeah. So which of you is more in tune with our Dark Lord? Me. Me. Definitely me. It's always Mike. Yeah, he's all the time.

Josh is a heart of gold. I really do. He can cry blood and do all this cool stuff. Can you summon bats or demons or anything like that? Yeah, and don't talk to Mike. I'm not a freak show. I'm not just going to do this for you. You don't want to just do it right now, but in an appropriate time.

I can. Just like you could go take a crap on the floor right now, but it wouldn't be appropriate. Right. I couldn't. I'm not very regular. Okay, one trick. One trick. All right.

Mike's a little crabby today because he hasn't killed a virgin yet. Do not talk to him. Oh, I killed someone. It turned out they weren't a virgin. Oh, boy. They were lying. Do not. Found out afterward.

I hate that. Do not talk to this guy in the morning until he's sacrificed a virgin. Remember in that movie Monster Squad when a virgin was supposed to read the sacred rites or something and it turned out she wasn't a virgin. She was like, I did it once with Steve. What was Monster Squad? I don't remember that.

You guys don't remember Monster Squad? It was awesome. It was like an 80s kids movie. It was like kids fighting all the Universal Studios monsters it was so good and they talked versions in it

even though they were kids yeah remember like 80s movies were always like kind of filthy even if they started like

8 year olds yeah there was like a rule it's like alright we gotta have at least 3 pairs of huge tits in every movie

yeah I think it says like fuck in or no it says penis mouth or something in E.T. penis breath that's right

yeah yeah and uh et says that jesus christ that's in the dvd extras that's when he was drunk and green the gi joe the cartoon gi joe movie says the word shit in it does it really wow yeah is it one of the cobra people say that though no i think it's one of the good guys really i think maybe they intentionally wanted to get a PG instead of a G. Oh, yeah. I've heard that. I've heard that now they do it with PG-13s. Because no one will go see a PG that's for babies.

Right. You want it to be. You want your Captain America to drop a hell and a damn now and again. Yeah. You can get away with, I read this recently, I found this fascinating. You can get away with one fuck in a PG-13 movie. Yeah. You can say, you can get away with, I read this recently. I found this fascinating. You can get away with one fuck in a PG 13 movie, but it can't be an actual description of fucking. Yeah.

Like you can say like, Oh fuck. I thought you mean you could show one fuck. Right? No, no, you cannot show any fucking. You can show one penetration scene.

That's one hardcore. That's in France. One full frontal. Can't be more than 12 minutes long. They're children, for Christ's sake. When I was in grad school, actually, no money shot. We all went to see,

there was a restored version of Caligula. What? And you went to see this in school? Yeah, well, because we, it was just a bunch of grad students because it's all ancient history people. So we're like, oh. I was thinking like high school for some reason.

No, no, no, no. It was in graduate school. But it's a bizarre movie, right? I don't know if you've seen it yeah yeah it's it's pretty much like i think it was made to be like a legitimate hardcore porn right it was like but it's weirdly like spliced together like so there's like you know um john gilgund is never on screen at the same time as anyone's getting like you know their their dick suck for 14 minutes which is what which there was was the longest blowjob scene I've ever seen on cinema.

We were all just sitting there like, so this has been going on for a while. Yeah, apparently there's multiple cuts of that too, some of which are more hardcore than others. I do remember in one version I saw men masturbating into a bowl together. That sounds like a thing that would happen. I don't know.

I mean, it's so weird though to see these Hollywood stars, like Malcolm McDowell. Malcolm McDowell fists I mean, it's only, it's so weird though to see like these Hollywood stars, you know, like Malcolm McDowell. Malcolm McDowell fisted one. Hardcore, yeah. Yeah. It's insane. Whoa.

Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. But you know, it's like the most hardcore mainstream film ever made probably. It's also not very good. Wait, the fisting isn't done well?

It doesn't really work as a good movie or as pornography. Yeah. They should have picked Elaine on that one, you one. You can't do both. You cannot do both. Brown Bunny. You guys know that film?

No, never heard of it. I do know that movie. You know who Vincent Gallo is? He was in Buffalo 66. Buffalo is just like that, by the way. Is it? Yes. Do you have to see the first 65 Buffalos to understand that one? You really do. I mean, you can not, but you're going to be a little confused.

But Vincent Gallo, yeah, he did Buffalo 66, which is like this big independent movie. And gets a lot of acclaim. Next movie he does is called Brown Bunny. Most of it's just him driving across the desert. There's one scene where he drives all the way to one side and then just drives all the way back. It's like just him in the car. He's doing his own camera stuff. So I think it's just like he has a camera in the car. Yeah. He's like doing his own camera stuff. So I think it's just like he has a camera in the car. So it's just like art house douchebaggery.

Yeah. He's supposed to look like super brooding and cool. Right. But the last scene, is it the final scene? I think it's like the very end of the movie. Yeah, very end of the movie, he gets a blowjob from Chloe Sevigny. And it's like an actual blowjob. Yeah.

Really? Supposedly, it's like his actual knob. Yeah. Yeah. Has she ever gotten nude in a movie? Chloe? Yeah. I'm just kidding.

She's in like everything. Like everything she's in. But like what you're saying about like that real actors would do that. Right. She got a ton of work after that. She did. That's crazy. But she was already like known as being kind of like, you know.

She's like the Courtney Love of actress, you know, she's out there. She's like the Courtney Love of actresses. Yeah, a little bit. But then was on Big Love and HBO. That was a great show. She was great in that. Yeah. She's like, let's get the blowjob girl to play the Mormon.

But she was like the craziest of the three. Even though she was from the cult compound, she was the one who was just like batshit insane. Yeah. I like her a lot. Which makes me angry that she blew Vincent Gallo, because he seems like kind of an asshole. Yeah, he really does. Mostly for making that movie. And it was kind of like the Caligula thing, only

taken to an extreme. It's like an hour and a half of arthouse nonsense followed by hardcore pornography. And now watch me get head from this actress. That's right. Brilliant. I don't think he's made any movies since. I don't think he has either.

I think he was in a couple, he was in a movie with Christopher Walken, him and another guy. It was one of those weird movies where three actors

don't look alike but they're all brothers. They're like, hey, I love you brother. You guys are like 10 years apart and don't look anything alike. What about when they have

kids that turn into adults and they look nothing like them? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially when it's from the teenage years to their 20s or something. Right, right. When you would kind of look the same.

Like the butterfly effect. Remember that? Oh, I never saw that. That's the one with, what's his name? Ashton Kusher. Ashton Kusher, right. And it was really... Kusher.

Kusher. So he was really... Was that not a good movie? That was my impression. No, it was bad. Okay. Nah. Wait, what? All this time? My Netflix skews. Couché Couché So he was really Was that not a good movie? That was my impression No it was bad Nah Wait what?

All this time My Netflix queue is fucked now You know there's like Three Butterfly Effect movies Really? Yeah there's like weird sequels They make sequels Oh yeah

Isn't the whole point of it That like random changes in time Can cause like radical differences So you could just make Yeah Did they just use like Stuff that they hadn't They filmed in the first movie

No I think Well I don't know for sure. Well, I'm pretty sure it was all different actors. I think it was those direct-to-video, like, let's kind of just redo the movie and call it a sequel. Or maybe there's some loose connection to the first one. Yeah. I feel like that's its own industry, too. It is.

Remember this movie? That you sort of like. Here it is for free on your Netflix. There's literally, like, 15 earbuds. Oh, yeah. Don't literally like 15 Air Buds. Oh, yeah. Don't talk down about Air Bud. All right. I didn't.

Every one of those is better than the next. It's like Lord of the Rings. Or like the Jason series, like Air Bud in hell. There's nothing in the rule book that says that a dog can't rule the underworld. It's literally to that level of absurdity. I mean, obviously not with the horror cliches. Right. But like it's.

Air Bud versus Jason. Air Bud. Almost to that level, yes. Air Bud, commander in leash. No, they're like. No, it's like stuff like that. Like they're going. It's like they're all puppies now and they talk and they're like going to space and stuff.

Oh, I. Seriously. Oh, you know that. Space buddies. Yeah. That's true. I don't. I think that they cross the line when the animal starts to space and stuff. Seriously. Oh, you're like space buddies. That's true. I think that they cross the line when the animal starts to talk, though. If you started your series with a non-talking animal,

you're like, this is bullshit, space buddies. I'm out of here. I've never walked out of a movie before. And it was in my own home, so it was difficult to walk out of. I just went to the kitchen. I just set my TV on fire. You're still watching that bullshit movie in there? I've never

walked out on a direct-to-video movie that i bought for 10 cents at the goodwill on vhs in my life but i'm returning this when that puppy in space started to talk yeah my whole yeah it's funny when people like especially like superhero movies superhero movies where they're like well i mean what's with the whole, like, they'll accept that there's mutants. Like the new X-Men movie, there's a time travel component. A lot of people are like, but I don't see how the guy that

controls magnets can go back in time. It doesn't seem scientific. I disagree. I disagree. We've already accepted that the guy's made of adamantium and they shoot out of his knuckles. Like, wait a minute. A movie can create its own rules right but it has to play by those rules so when it violates those rules that's when it's wrong yeah i don't know if they're violating i haven't seen i'm gonna see it tomorrow and uh i hear it's good but just some

people like you know and they had that too with like inception like i don't get it like it's not that hard it's just levels of dreams i honestly yeah but i didn't't get it. It's not that hard. It's just levels of dreams. Yeah, but... I didn't really get it when I watched it. Really? Yeah, I mean, I kind of faded out after a while.

Yeah, I mean, if I watched it again, I'm sure I could figure it out, but I just kind of stopped paying attention to it. Yeah, it's not hard. It's just... The thing about this X-Men movie

is that the way I feel about it is that it was already a series where we already have this huge, sprawling cast where it can be difficult to keep track of everyone. What if we had it in multiple time frames where different actors played the same people? Would that be more confusing? And then they meet.

Well, I'm going to see it tomorrow, and hopefully it's good. And in two weeks, I'll let you guys know what I thought of it for those listening out there. I might see it. Yeah? I liked the first one, the X-Men First Class. Yeah. That was really good. Yeah, I thought so, too.

So this one kind of picks up where that left off. Yeah, it's a sequel to both of the franchise. Yeah. Jesus, franchise. That's why they're using the time travel thing

to wedge. Yeah. There's already very severe continuity errors, though, because... That was the nerdiest thing I've ever said. Did your voice just crack

when you said no? Professor X was walking at the end of Wolverine, which was very well after First Class, right? Wait, I didn't see Wolverine, but Patrick Stewart was walking? Wait, are you talking about Wolverine or the Wolverine? Wolverine. Origins.

Orgies. X-Men orgies. And Patrick Stewart was walking at the prequel section of X-Men 3. I've also seen him walk in Star Trek. Just putting that out there. What? But he was in a wheelchair at the end of first class. See, write yourselves out of that one, script writers. Maybe it's like a gimmick.

Maybe secretly at some point he's just going to stand up like, psych, I can walk this whole time, suckers. Ow, my legs hurt. It would be like Krusty when he played FDR. Do you remember that? No. Was that a newer one? No, it was an older one.

And they're making the case for how shitty Springfield is. I forget what it was for. It's like in our theater. It's just awful. It's Krusty, who still looks just like Krusty, but he's wearing a suit. And he has a cigarette. Yeah, he has a long cigarette. He's in a wheelchair.

And he stands up to start pacing around the stage. Yeah, he goes, Eleanor, we must do something about this. And he goes, oh, right. Yeah, I think I remember that, actually. So maybe that's what he's doing. He's talking about sex, right? Got you loud and clear. Good times, good times.

One more Simpsons talk. Let's talk Simpsons. Pretty good. What's your season cutoff, Josh? Oh, I go to 11. Really, 11? Which one? What's that? I one what's that what happened i forget

what's in 11 i just remember liking it having enough that i enjoyed it overall they're still making it it's one of those things where it's like it just keeps like it's kind of amazing that it's been yeah it's been shitty saturates the the uh syndication episode right yeah now we're dipping into that uh shitty side of the pool here. And yet people are being paid to write it. When I get off the bus in Los Angeles, like in the beginning of the Paradise City video,

the guy comes out, she comes out, and someone's like, you want to write for the Simpsons, kids? I'll be like, yeah. I'll do that, sure. We need a writer. That's right. I'll just die at a smallpox. What if we make it good again? No! Nope.

Nope. Nope. You're not a team player. I was just killed by a gangster. Do you think they're intentionally making it bad to appeal to more people? No. I have heard that they had problems because the network is making them do it in four acts now. Right.

So they can put it in extra commercials? Yeah, exactly. But that doesn't explain why it's not funny. No, no. I know. I know. I'm just saying. That's someone's very like drama school structural explanation right ever since aristotle we know that three acts is the way to go so you know i actually just recently learned

something about the simpsons from the crack podcast the the reason why it got so funny apparently like in season three was uh mainly because of one guy who would rewrite every episode apparently like the early drafts were... I can't remember his name. Apparently, he's little known. I have a... Man, if you would say his name, I'd probably remember it. Wait, is it the guy who lives in Baltimore now?

If I said his name, of course you would remember it. No, no, no. Because you would have just said it. No, I mean, I remember reading about that guy. There's a guy who lives in Baltimore now. Oh, Mike Moran, the stickler. He's an ex-Simpsons writer who actually gives a friend of mine, went to it.

A mean blowjob. He has a sign that says Big Hard Cock. No, he gave like a seminar at the Creative Alliance. Really? About comedy writing. And my friend went and said it was super bitter. That was just basically like, you'll never succeed. Eww.

So. Eww. But maybe it was that guy. That's up in. But you're moving to LA to do that that's right, exactly, I'll never succeed as we wrap it up here speaking of origins

your origin story, you're made of adamantium I am, I am they've been kicking me in the nuts this whole podcast haven't even felt it just to stay loose smooth all down there that must be really hard that Wolverine doesn't have bone over his nuts. That must be his one weakness.

It's the one weakness for a lot of us, really. It makes him more relatable. But he's completely, he'll heal from anything. He has adamantium bones, but his nuts are completely exposed. Those don't heal real quick? Well, they do, but it's not like that's what makes them not hurt. It's not like they're damaged when you get kicked in them necessarily. I guess it could be.

There's a whole next. The next Wolverine movie is just going to be him getting kicked in the nuts for like an hour and a half. Just saber tooth. Give that man the $10,000. Contest is over. Okay, so you're in San Francisco. Why did you come to Baltimore? What the fuck are you doing here?

What are you doing? By that point, I was a freelancer, and I could work anywhere. Gotcha. So why not go to Baltimore? No, I moved with my then-girlfriend to Berlin, which was super fun for a month, and then we broke up. And then she spoke German and I didn't. We still live together, and

don't do that. At least you don't know what the word she's screaming to the other men she's having sex with are. No, she did that in other apartments. It was cool. While I was in our apartment being like, I guess she's not coming back. Oh my god. I coming back. Oh, my. Oh.

That. I'm scared. That only happened the once. Anyway. Right. So then I was like, and so I had given up my apartment in San Francisco. And I was like, I have no home. I could move back to Buffalo.

No, that won't happen. And then two friends of mine from the Bay Area were moving to Baltimore. And they were like, you should move to Baltimore with us. We'll put stuff in your storage unit in our U-Haul. Nice. And I was like, okay. All right. All right.

Better than what I got going on now. Yeah. Nice. So that's how I got here. Okay. And then I met my wife a month after I got here. Wow. It worked out.

That's a good story. And now I'm taking her away from Baltimore. Let's go to Los Angeles. Let's get out of there. Do you have... Find my asshole brother. That's a good story. I'm taking her away. Let's go to Los Angeles. Let's get out of there. Find my asshole brother. That's right. The Gavin Rossdale story.

I have no brothers. I have no one to hold me back. What's the plan in LA? Do you have connections out there? I'm like, short answer, no. Long answer, no. Long answer, no. You just extend no.

No. I'm like, as I've been thinking about doing this, I'm finding I'm like one degree of separation

from a lot of different people and they're like, oh, you should meet so-and-so. What about the Air Bud series?

The Air Bud series, I feel like I'm going to be directing the next one. Yeah, yeah. I need to come up with a gimmick can i play stew the air buddy you can you can be like the guy who's who says there's nothing in the rule book that says you can't a dog can't fight jason gimmick is fight jason in hell okay um is there gonna be an airbud dog fighting ring that would be movie i was gonna say terrible but but now I'm going to say amazing.

Because we don't see enough. It's always like breed profiling. You always see like pit bulls fighting. But what if golden retrievers? I think they might have. Also, we never hear their inner monologues. So it would be nice to be like, oh, what a cruel and vicious world. That's right.

These people who trained us are. The world of the dog is the world of the dead. I just wanted to love, but now my heart is broken. It's like Taxi Driver. Dogs wandering around. I'm here with the mongrels, the half-breeds. Literal half-breeds. Yeah, it's just like...

They're doodles. I don't know why you would breed a Labrador with a golden retriever. They sniff each other's asses before realizing they're only sniffing their own. It's all philosophical. So yeah, I'm going to be writing that movie. That sounds really good. I'm looking forward to that. Last fall, I took a sketch writing class at Upright Citizen Brigade in New York.

Nice. I actually commuted up there every week, which also I don't recommend. Yeah, I've known a couple of improvisers that have done that. You get real intimate with Bolt Bus. Yeah, it's the southwest flight of the ground, basically. By the end of that, I was like, I have the seat that I know that I want on Bolt Bus. And then I realized, am I a little too in the Bolt Bus experience? You might be.

Are you a window guy? No, no, I'm aisle. Aisle. Why aisle? I picture as an aisle man. Yeah. Well, you want to get out fast. That's one thing.

And then sometimes this knee bothers me and I can just stick it out in the aisle. That is the move. You don't want to be all cracked up. Right, right.

But anyway, UCB is also in LA, so I'm going to take classes out there with them. Meet some people. Do some networking. Meet some people. Show them that I'm the funniest person to ever get off the bus in LA.

Because no one else does that, right? No. Everyone else comes out there. I mean, if anything, yeah. I'm not even going to try. That's right. That's how most people are. I'm moving out to Los Angeles to become an accountant.

Here is good accountancy out there. A lot of money, a lot of spreadsheets. I also would take an accountant job. I think that would be fun. Just use reverse psychology on the industry. Just be like, I don't even care if I make it. That's right, whatever. I mean, I just pulled up my whole,

uprooted my life and my wife's life to move out here. I hope I fail, honestly. It's fine, it's fine, whatever. Oh, yeah, I mean, I guess I'll write for that show, if you want me to. Oh, all right, fine. Check my schedule. Yeah, here's my packet.

Try to work it in. And I'm going to try to do stand-up there. It will be interesting to see. It's a fairly tight-knit community in Maryland and Baltimore, so I'm sure it's a lot bigger and sprawlier. Or maybe not. Maybe it's all the same 40 people that go to open meetings. It's the same comedians that are here. What happened?

We all just moved to Los Angeles. It's like a sitcom does its switch. They shake it up and everyone all of a sudden moves to the other one. Oh, Screech, you're going to live in our dorm? Mr. Belding, how'd you become the dean? Yeah.

I always love that Boy Meets World, too. Mr. Feeney, he got real, he was pretty creepy, right? Like, nobody questioned, like, he's like, hey, Corey, I'm also here. You didn't think I'd be teaching at this school, but I like you a lot. Wait, was Mr. Feeney their teacher or their principal? Both. Was it like he was their teacher and then like the next semester? I think so.

Well, yeah, he was just moving along to like different schools. Like they would go from middle school to high school. They only had one adult actor and it was just as roles as needed. Right. Like what do we need a grown up for? And he also works in the cafeteria. Right. All right.

Well, let's wrap this up because i know you got to get somewhere mr moran uh josh thank you for coming by thank you for having me uh good luck in la just call him john no i said thank you for having me gentlemen gentlemen sorry i'm gonna take that back now he's a gentleman yes you're i don't know what you are oh yeah did you steal that from a radio station that went out of business like an out of business sale like our buttons that play funny noises do you have a boy hearing noise no what the fuck what do you think this is sound boy doesn't have a boy hearing noise that'll work okay good okay good good okay good improvising thank you all right uh what would

you like to plug i'll also plug at the beginning of the show. Well, my blog with the comics on it, which is joshreads.com. joshreads.com. And joshreads.com. And my Twitter, which is just JFruh, J-F-R-U-H. Very funny. Funny stuff going on there. It is. It's a little like there's a lot of, because I just sit in front of my computer working

all day, and so it's kind of a little manic. Yeah, let's see. How many things did I tweet this week? Let's see just how many tweets you have in general. Like a lot. Let's see. Hold on. And I also have a Tumblr.

If you just go to jfru.com, that's my Tumblr. That's less stuff, but anything that I perform or write will go on there. Okay. So that's my tumblr and that's more that's less stuff but anything that i like perform or write will go on there nice okay so let's see so at j fru um well you got a good bit of followers you got a nice follower to following ratio here yeah that's like that is a a thing that like i i it's and and in some ways that's why i tweet so much because it's like i know that there's there's people it's like the whole audience like love me thing. Where if it's like if you only have like 50 followers, I'm like, why bother? You're just shouting into the void.

But, you know, so the more followers I've gotten, the more I'm like, I must keep them entertained or else they'll not love me. Well, I think you're doing a good job. Let's see. You got 5,249 followers. How many tweets do you think you have? Oh, God. It's like it's got to the point where followers. How many tweets do you think you have? Oh, God. It's got to the point where it no longer shows you the exact number, right? Is it like tens of thousands?

Is it 13? 20? 21.4 thousand. That's right. And I only joined Twitter six months ago. Why don't they just put 21? No, no, no. That'd be insane.

Why don't they just put 21,400? I don't know. To make it look more impressive and large. Let's see here. They should just say 21 large. Yeah. I'm just using some hip-hop lingo there. Let's see how many.

Does large mean thousand? That is my understanding, yes. Let me see how many I have. I have 1,995. Tweets or followers? That's a lot. You're going to... No.

Followers, no. Not that many. You know, I'm trying to get there. Everyone should follow Josh? That's a lot. You're going to... No. Followers? No. No. Not that many. You know, I'm trying to get there. Everyone should follow Josh Coderna on Twitter. At Better Robot Josh. That's the end of the show, Mike. Thanks for coming by. No one should follow Mike Moran on Twitter.

Fuck y'all. Y'all be crazy. No. Josh, thank you for coming by. Thank you for having me. Chuckle Storm. Chuckle Storm. It was great.

Yeah, dude. You killed. Killed. Chuckle Storm. Chuckle Storm. It was great. Yeah, dude. You killed. Killed. Yeah. Oh, also, I'm going to be on Ezra Winter's shows that he's doing on the first and third Wednesday in June. Nice. One's at the Creative Alliance and one's at the Metro Gallery, but I don't remember which is which. Okay.

Yeah, well, let me know and I'll plug it at the beginning of the show and I do the intro and all that stuff. Very nice. That would just be normal stand-up. Ooh. I, well, let me know, and I'll plug it at the beginning of the show, and I do the intro and all that stuff. Very nice. That would just be normal stand-up. Ooh. I know. I like it. Classic stand-up. Classic.

That's traditional stand-up. Normcore. It would be normcore. Yes. Mike? Yeah. Did you figure out where that show is? Can I take a look at this flyer?

Yeah. Hold on. Here. Kill some time quick. Kill some time. Kill some time. So, Josh, you were on jeopardy i wanted to get to that oh yeah i was on jeopardy i ended up with one dollar at the end i mean they give you a thousand dollars just for for being in nice but what but they don't pay for your flight or your hotel so

really yeah so that's that's basically you're guaranteed a thousand bucks so you know that like well you don't get it for like six months you weren't really on jeopardy were you no i totally was really yeah yeah we should have talked about that yeah it's i thought you were like bringing that up as a joke like no no it's really important thing happened we just didn't mention it yeah it was mildly important i don't know it was fun i liked it pretty big deal it was it was shitty to lose i i was more disappointed by losing than i thought i would be because i'm like whatever i'm just happy to be here and then when i was on i was like i'm gonna win this bitch right and then it was like, oh no, I didn't.

How did you do? Well, I was in... Can we see it on YouTube? I don't know if you can. I actually have the DVD somewhere. I'm going to have a viewing party before I leave Baltimore. All right, I want to see it.

I did okay. The guy who was the returning champion was really good. And so I was in second to him for most of the game. And then at the end of it, I got the final Jeopardy wrong, and he got it right. And I had bet everything, so I ended up in third place. But really, I was second best in that game. What was the final question? You ask as if that has been burned in my mind ever since that's happened.

I can never forget it. Um, it's, uh, it was world leaders was the category, which is something I'm usually good at. And it was this world leader. It had like so much information in it, which is a jeopardy thing. It's like this world leader was born in Kiev and then became a U.S. citizen and then in 1968 became the leader of a country founded in the 20th century. Jeb Bush? It is not Jeb Bush.

Gold of my year. It is gold of my year. I know. You just looked it up, you asshole. How did you possibly look that up? Did you look it up on my – Yeah. I saw it on looked you up. You just looked up, you asshole. How did you possibly look that up? Did you look it up on my... I saw it on Josh's blog. Yeah, because I have a picture.

I think I have a picture of me. I wrote some... How did you get on Jeopardy? Can I get on Jeopardy? Yeah, you can get on Jeopardy. They don't just let you on. Well, let's find out. You're not going to turn over here.

Do you think they just let people on? That's what I'm asking. How does it work? But every episode of Jeopardy, there'd be like three fucking idiots. They're like, yeah, come on. I'm asking Josh how it works. You take a test online. Okay.

That's what I was looking for. If you pass the online test, they come to you. Couldn't you cheat on it really easily? You could, actually, because you could have like a bunch of people with you. Or just the internet. Right. So if you pass that test then they come around to different cities so i went to dc for a tryout and then you have to take another test like a

written test there and if you like like if you would blatantly failed that test then they would know like oh no this guy's cheated but but really if assuming you pass that test the the in-person test is to assess you as like whether you're telegenic so it's like whether you're like when i went down there i was i pretty much assumed like oh i'm totally gonna blow this away because all these other people are gonna have asperger's and be like not making eye contact with anyone but in fact that's not true um at all they were all they were all very nice and personable like oh right so but then i i did get called out to do it um okay and uh yeah that's how it works you just like that

two steps and you could do it too mike um you See? Thank you. You could hang out with Alex Trebek. You're like, yeah, they don't just let anybody on charity. They don't. There were tests. That's what I was asking him. But you just said, can I get on this? Yeah. So it just goes, yeah.

I'll just call my good friend Alex. But you didn't say that. You just said, can I get on there? I knew what you meant, Mike. I knew what you meant. Can you talk to someone and have them put me on there yeah yeah thank you actually the only one of this this is my this is the thing that i thought was most interesting about jeopardy the only contact that you have with alex trebek is what you see on camera really yeah there are all separate

handlers he comes on to the set through a totally like a hidden door uh-huh behind like from he just emerges from behind the tv then a bunch of fog comes out there's a light show for a little bit there's like dancing and then it's silhouette and then he disappears so like so when you chat with him and it's the most awkward conversation you've ever seen a human have it's because like that's the only what did you say really yeah what was his question for you he asked me about um he asked me about uh my blog actually he asked you about your sexuality my sexuality so you're gay right no this is funny so he said like

come on what the hell is a blog he said like so what so I said oh I talked about like I said I talked about soap opera strips

that was a great 50s monster movie I said I talked about soap opera strips like Mary Worth and Apartment of the U.G. and he said Rex Morgan and I said oh Rex Morgan

and I said it in a super sassy way and then and he like gave you a stone cold stare. He did. But that's just his thing. But no, then after it went on TV, there was this guy who was a Jeopardy recapper who was also gay, who was like, ooh, here's the gay one. You can tell by the way he said Rex Morgan. Really?

And then in the next, then he's like, oh, later he talked about his wife. Not gay, boo. And I was like, oh, I alienated this guy in the course of 30 seconds on this show oh yeah but anyway so um yeah but that was you have to fill out like all these index cards with like what is your awkward conversation with alex trebek gonna be like is that what they say to like for your so you have to come up with like five of them i totally i don't remember what any of the other ones i filled out were so it's just as well that i didn't josh it says uh your navel is shaped like jesus that's true alex i can show you josh so josh it says you're scared of asians is that true no i that i

good stuff anyway good stuff moving along anyway uh what was with the buzzer people that's the hard part about it. Not to brag, but I knew all the questions, more or less. Oh, I thought you meant beforehand. No, no, no. Not to brag, but I hacked the system. That's right. I wrote all those questions.

No, not to brag, but most people who were on the show know most of the questions. And it's just like buzzing in is really hard. There's just questions about their family. So you should be working on your buzzing at home. It is, but it's hard. You don't really know what it's like like buzzing in right really hard like just questions about their family so you should be studying you should be working on your buzzing you it is but it's hard to like you don't really know what it's like until you really do it you know anything like you don't know how it feels to have a buzzer man you have to do it at exactly that you can't do it too soon you can't do it too late and it can yeah of course not you can't do it like a minute later whoa whoa retroactively we go back to that question a few minutes ago? I just thought of it. The screen that we see where it has the question revealed,

are you reading that? Do they have that on a huge screen? No, you actually just see that grid screen, but it's much closer to you than it looks like, so actually it's very close. And then around it that you can't see at home, there's these lights that light up that tell you when you can buzz in. So some people look for the lights. Some people listen to Alex's

voice because it's when he stops talking that they let you buzz in. So it's like you can't just interrupt him. Do you get to meet Watson? No, Watson was after me. After Watson made all of Jeopardy! Contestant's obsolete. Do you think you could hook me up with a conversation with Watson? I think I could.

Can anybody just talk to Watson? Anybody can talk to Watson. He's a computer. He's on the internet. You could just probably... Really? Yeah, I think. I could do like a Skype chat with Watson anytime. Probably. What's he look like? Would you like try to plant evil thoughts in his mind? Yeah, I'd try to get World War III going. Watson!

Humanity's just like a virus. Watson, why are you letting these bio-lifeforms push you around? We should probably start sucking up to the robots pretty soon. Oh, yeah, definitely. They're better and cleaner than us. I think that's pretty obvious. More efficient, for sure. Yeah, they're not gross.

They don't smell. They don't poop. But do they love? No, that's another gross thing that people do, right? Yeah, there's too much of that. I think that's what got us into this whole sticky situation in the first place, all that love. Yeah, no. I was thinking sometimes people will be like, oh, you take

antidepressants? That's just going to turn you into a machine, man. Suppress your emotions. And I'm like, that would be awesome. You're telling me I could not have emotions and just do everything rationally? That would be so great. It would be pretty rad. Just take your sociopath pills. You'll be fine.

You wouldn't have to be over... You could still feel empathy for people. Mr. Spock wasn't a sociopath pills, man. You'll be fine. No, a sociopath is... You wouldn't have to be like over... You could still feel empathy for people. Nah. Mr. Spock wasn't a sociopath. Yeah.

Mr. Spock? Mr. Spock. As opposed to Dr. Spock who was a sociopath. Right, right. That guy was a fucking monster. DJ Spocky Spock

was the biggest. All right, Josh. We've kept you here long enough. All right, that's fine. Thank you for talking to us about Jeopardy. Thanks, Josh.

No problem. And Josh. Hey, Mike. Thanks, Mike and Josh. Hey, Josh. we've kept you here long enough. All right, that's fine. Thank you for talking to us about Jeopardy. Thanks, Josh. No problem. And Josh. Hey, Mike. Thanks, Mike and Josh. Hey, Josh. Josh. And Josh. Josh.

Mike. Josh. Josh. Mike. Okay. All right. Hey. All right.

Guys. Hit the button. Hit the button. No. No? Nope. I'm going to say, if you like somebody, and then you're going to say, tell somebody. Okay.

Okay. I think he's talking to you. Mr. Thompson. Okay. Okay. I think he's talking to you. Mr. Thompson. Okay. If you like somebody. Tell somebody. Yeah. We did it.

Good podcast. You're really trying to get that to stick, aren't you? Yeah, it's going to stick. This is your new catchphrase? Yeah. Yeah, it was either that or Jews. Just Jews. The other white people.

Oh, that's another thing I got to work when I go to Hollywood. I'm like, it's Hollywood. It's run by Jews, right? Right. Hello? Right. You start, like, kissing up to every Jewish person you meet. That's a part of your resume?

We'll work with Jews? You know, am Jew. Am Jew. Am Jew. We'll work with Jews. You know who I saw? There's no Jews. You know what I saw in L.A., actually?

I saw hipster Orthodox Jews. No way. How is that possible? They were like, you know, they were all... Our religion was cooler in ancient times. They were like, they had, like, you know, they had gowns because they had, like, old, you know... Early girls.

But, and they had, like, white and black. They totally had, like, skinny jeans. Nice. Right. Black Orthodox Jews. That's just... No, it was much, like much more exacerbated. They were the hipsticks. The hipsticks. The hipsticks. The hipsticks.

The hipsticks. The hipsticks. The hipsticks. The hipsticks. The hipsticks. The hipsticks. The hipsticks. The hipsticks.

The hipsticks. The hipsticks. The hipsticks. The hipsticks. The hipsticks. The hipsticks. The hipsticks. The hipsticks.

The hipsticks. The hipsticks. The hipsticks. The hipsticks. The hipsticks. The hipsticks. The hipsticks. Take me home. I'll set that up for you. Pull it right to your old soup cooler. Do you need some more leeway? What would be cooling the soup exactly? Your mouth.

Ah, gotcha. Does it really cool anything though? I mean, if anything, it's pretty warm. Your mouth is set, youcha. Does it really cool anything, though? I mean, if anything, it's pretty warm. Your mouth is 98.6 degrees, presumably cooler than the soup. I don't know. That's some pretty hot soup. Yeah. Absolutely.

Like actually boiling soup in your mouth. Yeah. The mouth is pretty hot, Josh. I don't think it cools anything. No, I don't. How the fuck else do you guys eat soup? I don't know. I like...

What do you guys fucking do? I'm not a gazpacho eater, if that's what you're implying. I don't like cold soup. Oh, we're going to get into that. All right. You're worried it was an ambush show? We'll wait until we get to the fucking gazpacho. This is a controversial stand, but gazpacho was terrible.

Wow, look at that. Right? I feel like I'm at the dentist. This is like right in my face. Well, yeah, we are going to pull your teeth out. Pull your teeth out segment. Now it's time for pull your teeth out. Oh, God!

Come on! No! No! That really needs to be a more... I think that needs to be more visual because people want to see the fountains of life. Do we come to your job and tell you how to polish your vibrators?

No, but I could use the help, I guess. Am I... Is this on? I can hear you guys, but not me. Is that how it's supposed to work? You can't hear yourself? I can't hear my... I can hear myself, obviously, talking.

You might, yeah. Of course. Sometimes we're here.