The Digression Sessions - Ep. 125 - Ben Rosen! (@Rosen)

Episode Date: July 28, 2014

Do You Want To Plot It On My Graph? Follow Us On Twitter! @Rosen – Ben Rosen @BetterRobotJosh – Josh Kuderna @ThatMikeFinazzo – Mike Finazzo @MichaelMoran10 – Mike Moran @DigSeshPod – For Podcast Updates! Hola DigHeads! On this week’s episode, Josh sits down for a great conversation with writer and comedian, Ben Rosen! Josh is also joined by guest cohost and lover, Mike Finazzo! While he’s based out of NYC now, Ben began performing comedy in Maryland. He’s incredibly humble, hilarious, and insanely nice.  On this ep, Ben tells us all about his journey through the New York comedy scene while working as a contributing writer at Gawker, Buzzfeed, and now as an editor at Viral Nova. Ben was also very open about his asexuality, which was extremely interesting. Good ep! Thanks for all the love Dig Heads! If you can swing it please drop our asses a few bones via the “Donate” button on DigressionSessions.com! Also please subscribe to Digression Sessions on Stitcher and iTunes. And check out  our podcast network, Thunder Grunt! Thanks everyone! We love you!

Thunder Grunt Podcast Network. Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey everybody, I'm Josh Kaderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to the Digression Sessions Podcast. A Baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers. Join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence. As we interview local and non-local comedians, writers, musicians, and anyone else we find creative and interesting.

Yes. Who's the guest this week? Mr. Ben Rosen. yes who's the guest this week mr ben rosen ben rosen is the guest on this week's program the new york-based comedian very funny fella who you can find on twitter he is at rosen on twitter and his website is rosen comedy uh ben is a super super funny guy who I've run into a couple times. And he was back in town in Baltimore for the huge free festival that happens here every year called Artscape. And they did two stand-up shows as a part of that. And Ben was hosting. And we were doing the show together. And I was like, hey, you should do the podcast. And he was like, hey, okay. And then we invited our friend Mike Fonazo along because Mike and Ben are really tight.

So he was a special guest co-host. You know, Mike Fonazo, a dig sesh favorite. You can find him on Twitter as well. He is at ThatMikeFonazo, and his website is ThatMikeFonazo.com, where you can find his album, The Cheery Side of Denial. Ben is a super interesting guy, where you can find his album, The Cheery Side of Denial. Ben is a super interesting guy, very, very funny, and one of the nicest people that not only have I met in comedy, but just in general.

Super, super nice guy. We talked about everything from doing stand-up in Baltimore and making the transition to New York and how tough that can be. As well as you think you're doing wherever you started out, getting to New York, you start all over again, just back of the line as far as opportunities go. It's like, yeah, everybody else is waiting for the same thing you are, and you just got here. But Ben persevered, worked really hard, had great jobs. He worked at Gawker. He worked at BuzzFeed. He talks about that. And now he's working at a place called Viral Nova. And you can check out that website. It's similar to BuzzFeed, but it skews a little bit older. It's viralnova.com. And then Ben also, about an on stage here and there And it's just a part of who he is And he defines what asexuality is And he knows that it can be Kind of strange to hear And even for him growing up

It was really hard to figure out Like what was going on So it was really cool of him to Share that on the podcast That's about an hour in You find out all about that So yeah Thank you to Ben for doing the show. Thank you to Mike for doing the show. Check those guys out. See them when

they're doing some stand-up. And speaking of dates, I have some. Hi, Josh Coderna. I'll be performing soon. July 29th? No, July 30th. Professional! Professional. July 30th, this Wednesday at 7.30, I'll be performing with my troupe, my improv troupe, Gus, for the Baltimore Improv Festival. We will be at the Theater Project here in Baltimore, the Baltimore Theater Project at 7.30. And Mr. Mike Moran is also performing as a part of the Baltimore Improv Festival with his group Pop Six and you can see them on Friday at seven o'clock at the same theater at the Theater Project that Friday I will be in DC if anybody's down there I will be at the Wonderland Ballroom for recording of the You, Me, Them, Everybody podcast. I'll be doing a

little bit of stand-up, and then I'll be a guest on the podcast as well. I'll let you guys know when that comes out. And finally, I'll be at McGuby's the 14th through the 16th of August with Mr. Mike Fonazzo. I'll be hosting. He's featuring. And Mr. Bobby Slayton, the pit bull of comedy, is headlining. I'm going to ask him if I can just have that nickname. I feel like I should be the pit bull, but, you know, we'll talk about it. I don't want to get our lawyers involved. I don't want it to go there, but, you know, in May.

And that's it. Thank you to everybody for listening. We really appreciate it. We've got some great episodes coming up. We just interviewed John Moffitt, who played for the Denver Broncos last year, and then he just quit in the middle of the season because he didn't fell out of love with football. It was a really interesting interview. We got Jason Weems, John F. O'Donnell, a bunch of really cool things coming up. So please look forward to those. Please look forward to them. No, please listen to them when they come out. Please check those

out when they come out. Oh, and check out our network, our home. Check out the Thunder Grunt podcast network at ThunderGrunt.com. And Thunder Grunt's also on Facebook, and so are we. Come say hi. Follow us on Twitter. Jeez, so much stuff to promote. Please like us in so many avenues of social media. Follow me on Twitter.

I'm at BetterRobotJosh. The wonderful yet absent Mike Moran is at MichaelMoran10. The podcast is at DigSeshPod. We have a Facebook page. Come say hi over there. Find me on Instagram. Do you guys like my vines?

Hello? Anyone? All right, let's get into the episode. We're on the road. Ben Rosen. Hey. Guest on the podcast. How are you?

I'm doing great. Good. Really excited. I'm done with you. Okay, I'll stay here. Be quiet. Mike Vanazzo. Hello, Josh. Guest co-hosting with me. Or maybe second guest. great good really excited well i'm done with you okay i'll stay here mike be quiet venazo guest uh co-hosting with me or maybe second guest i don't know huh really matter yeah i think it does okay oh wait he's hosting well co co-hosting apparently it doesn't matter man i just got so much more

nervous i'm just here to hang i thought he was my friend just to be yeah co-interviewed no no pod pod podstid podstid yeah we're all either way we're all casting right bros yeah just a couple bros just a couple bros hanging out uh-huh uh-huh all right ben rosen not gonna move my arms now you can move your arms okay you can move your arms okay finazzo yeah you're good you're good i can't move my arms yeah heonazo, yeah, he has the shitty mic. He has the Mike Moran mic. Is that because Mike Moran was on that mic, or are we just saying that Mike Moran is shitty,

and that's what we nickname the shitty mic? Ben, you said it. No, no, I'm saying because I love Mike Moran. This is on you guys. Don't try and put this one on me. Wow, shots fired. You guys called the shitty mic Mike Moran. I guess that's how New York comedy works, huh,. You guys called the shitty Mike, Mike Moran.

I guess. I guess that's how New York comedy works, huh, Fonazo? Yeah, you go to New York. No. For shitty old Mike Moran. No. Anyway, that's been our time. Thanks for being on the show, Mike. Well, I guess I got to go all in on this.

You know what, Mike? We got a rivalry now, buddy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I got backup singers for this rivalry. Shots fired. It's all good. Yeah. She's backup singers for this rivalry. Shots fired. It's all good. Yeah.

She's in the studio with us. Those are the digression session singers. We pay them a lot. Yeah. And it's worth it. It's in vogue. They've been out of work for a long time. Just looking for something to do.

It's amazing how quiet they are when they're not making that same noise. They're professionals. Yeah. They're professionals. Yeah. Yeah. They never, like, sneeze or anything. It's really good. They're professionals. Yeah. They're professionals. Yeah. Yeah, they never, like, sneeze or anything. It's really good.

I appreciate that. Well, Ben, you started out comedy in the Maryland, D.C. area. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, I'll do the sound effects. Oh, sorry.

I'm sorry. And now you're in New York. I'm in New York. This little podunk shit town New York. Yeah. They got comedy up there there's one or two shows where some guy's doing a thing yeah it's just seinfeld's open mic and everybody goes to it and they just and if you win you get to ride in a car with them for a little bit

amazon drones follow you he's gotten to the point where when he goes into comedy clubs like like everybody it's like the president is coming into town. And comedy clubs treat it where nobody's allowed to tell anybody that he's here. There's extra security. Everybody who works at the club goes there. They've got the water bottles placed out perfectly for him. That's how it was when Tom Myers came to Fish Head. So stuttering through that punchline helped. Mike's got a nice rivalry built up with Tom as well.

Exactly. I don't have backup singers. We're going to just set the world on fire today. I know. You guys are just going at it. I know you guys are such gangsters. Who else do we hate? Yeah.

Fuck Chili's. Yeah, Chili's. Hold on. At Chili's. Hold on. Hold on. Okay, let's talk about Jerry Seinfeld, and then we'll get into Chili's. Yeah.

So you've done shows where Jerry has graced everyone's presence? He has. I have entertained the same audience as Jerry. They didn't care for him. No, I'm joking. That'd be great. Tap him on the shoulder. Keep it up, man.

Yeah, he really had a bad set. I kind of buried him. No, he was great. He stopped in. Sometimes that's kind of the fun of it. Sometimes a nice surprise guest will stop in when you're doing the Yamity Yams. I love that club. Yeah, the Yamity Yams.

Yamity Yams is one of the many clubs that Jerry does open mics at. So it was great. You know, he'll stop in. It's always nice to see a legend kind of. Yeah. And then I'm sure seeing people, like, develop material that you would later see on a special and all that stuff is fun. Yeah. I don't really watch that much TV, so I wouldn't catch a special.

I don't know if he was just. I was quoting. You told me this. It was a Jim Gaffigan bit from his last special that you told me like two years ago. Yeah. You saw him work it out. It's still one of my favorites. Which one was it?

It was What's It Like to Have Five Kids where you picture drowning, but somebody hands you a baby. But yeah, you had told me like you had seen him do an open mic and he did that bit, yeah. So a lot of times I'll host the New Talent Nights at Gotham.

Oh, cool. So that's where Jim typically stops in and he'll work out his material. But it's fun to watch him typically stops in and work out his material. But it's fun to watch him work week in and week out and grow his material. And it's just, it's always entertaining to see him do that. That was one of the bits that I really enjoyed of his. It's a great bit. Yeah.

It's a bit that you can't steal unless you got five kids. Good luck, guys. Yeah, exactly. Get out there and start making babies for that one joke. Babies for Bits. That's my cause. Babies for Bits is a great charity. That is what I'm working for.

Yeah, I'll go, dude. Babiesforbits.org. Yeah. We're a nonprofit. We couldn't get a.com. We're trying. It's going to be fun to Google that later and see what it really is. What is actually there.

Yeah. So how long have you been in New York? I've been in New York now for three years. Oh, wow. Three full years. Three years? And then how long were you doing comedy before you made the leap? I did it for about a year and a few months.

And you were like, I'm good. I think I got it. Him and I started within like a week of each other. We did. We did. And I've been encouraging. And now our careers have taken such different trajectories. Guys, we're all doing the same show tonight.

Things are good. Mike's working at a Starbucks down here. I'm working at a Starbucks up there. It's really just. Yeah. We're still banging the same bookers for time. I thought you said banging the same bookers. I was like, yeah.

Yeah, that's my new web series. It's comedians in cars giving ham jobs for hosting spots. Yeah. Bangingbookers bookers. I was like, yeah. Yeah, that's my new web series. It's comedians in cars giving ham jobs for hosting spots. Bangingbookersforbits.org. Get on it, people. Blowing bookers for feature money. Please. Go to our Kickstarter, Blowing Features. Oh, my God.

So many good causes. Which one do I pick? Yeah, there's a lot. A lot of bracelets, too. You can't even see my forearm. Just tons of colored bracelets. So was it scary when you went to new york or had you established yourself up there a little bit yeah i would i

would love to to tell you that i went up there and i was like yeah this is i'm just i got this i don't think anybody does most of like the comedians that i've met that have gone to new york and then like come back like a month later or something like friends of mine, they just have that 10,000-yard stare. Like, how's New York? Like, it's hard. Everybody looks like they just got back from war. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's how it feels. Yeah, because around here, you can get spots, you can do longer time. People are nice.

Yeah, people know you. You feel like you're part of a community, and then New York, you're just another asshole in the way. Yeah, you probably have to do like 3,000 shows with somebody before you guys remember each other's names. Right, you probably have to do like 3,000 shows with somebody before you guys remember each other's names. Right, right. And then you're like, I see you around a lot.

Which one are you? Right. It's fun to listen to people describe other New York comics that you don't know. Yeah, and you're like, that's what you pick up on? Yeah, do you know Dave Johnsonburg? He's the tall one with a beard. He wears shirts sometimes, right? Yeah. Yeah, he's that tall one with a beard he wears shirts sometimes yeah yeah yeah he's a mike sometimes that we're at you know it's where i'm impressed when people know comics and can

remember comics but you know evan williams right i do know evan williams he's so funny he is really funny i did a show with him here and somehow he remembered me from the creek in the cave open mike from like six months ago what a sweetheart you do like 20 spots a week how do you remember who i am because he's the nicest person guy yeah and he also could murder us with his hands he's just he's a human action figure he's got weapons yeah yeah it's great it's a good thing he's he's a nice guy because if he was a mean guy right i mean kill us all yeah yeah really funny yeah you don't want him to be taking off his leather coat. Like, you're Mike Fonazzo, right?

Flexing his knuckles. Yeah, so how was it those first couple weeks or months? Well, I actually was kind of an idiot. I went up there thinking, well, I've done a lot of spots down here. I've done 45-minute sets. I've made crowds laugh before. I can do this. And then I went up there and I was like oh no i'm terrible what happened i made a huge mistake i thought i was gonna go up there

and be like oh yeah you know i'll meet a few people get in the community and i'll be put on all the shows all of them rosen come to the comedy cellar yeah well everybody kind of expects that you go up to one of the comedy clubs And you just kind of like Do what you do here Which is just hang out enough And be funny Around some people

And then you can kind of Work your way into some spots Yeah But I think I'm on like A ten year plan At most comedy clubs Yeah Where they're like

Yeah there's 4,000 people In the queue ahead of you Right Yeah You better hope for Some kind of State of emergency Yeah that's the scary thing

About New York Yeah it's just back of the line. You know what I mean? Yeah, even if you're established here, then you get to New York, it's like, well, I'm doing pretty good in the D.C. Like, who cares? Everybody is. To be completely honest, what happened was I put on my networking hat, and I was like, oh, this is great. I did a lot of shows in the movies.

It's like a cowboy hat, I assume? Yeah, it's the same thing as a cowboy hat. Yeah. But it's just douchier. Networking hat. It says, I'm networking. Yeah, I'm the same thing as a cowboy hat. Yeah. But it's just douchier. Networking hat. It says, I'm networking. Yeah, I'm networking right now. It goes with a t-shirt.

Follow me on Twitter, guys. Yeah. So I went up to Gotham. I had done some shows at Gotham. I bussed up when I lived in Baltimore. I would buss up for the night. Bolt bus, baby. Yeah, it was Megabus.

I'm not plugging Megabus. Do not use Megabus. It's the southwest of the land, right? Yeah, it is it was Megabus. I'm not plugging Megabus. Do not use Megabus. It's the southwest of the land, right? Yeah, it is such a bad experience. Do not use Megabus. You're better off just sucking off a hobo to get up to New York than you are. I don't know why he's got transportation, but they seem to get around. I was going to say, is he like a genie?

He's like, all right, there you go. He knows how to get up there if he wants to. They got those hobo secrets that they pass around. They hide them in their penis, apparently. It's one of the three things that they focus on. So I won't get into the other two. I think we can figure it out. Yeah, you kind of know.

Dick Suckin' is one of them. Whoa. What? Hey, whoa. You said it. Yeah, that's how they get up there. That's how they get the most things. Anyway, I'm not speaking from experience i was doing some

shows at gotham yeah i would bus up and do the shows and then come back in the in the late night and so i kind of established this thing where i knew the manager there and uh the manager was friends with some people at mcgoobies and i was like oh this is great you know i'll when i move to new york i'll try and make Gotham my home club, and I'll just hang out. They know me, and they know me through other people. Like I'm established here a little bit. Build on that.

He could vouch for me that I've done a few shows. Right, other places. Yeah, that would work. That's how it would normally work. But in New York, he goes, yeah, well, here's the thing, man. There's a couple hundred people who have been asking me for a lot longer than you have. And yeah, I guess the most you can do is just get funny and be around the end. You just gave me the fuck off speech.

You just write that in your notes. Be funnier. Be funnier. Yeah, got it. Yeah, okay. I'll be back tomorrow. Do you have a cheat sheet for that? Is there a joke that you guys find hilarious that I can tell in front of you?

What do you think's funny? Yeah. Just tell me how to be funny, please. Please, I'm begging you. So now, did that happen after you had moved? That did. That happened after I moved. And were you just like, oh, good.

Yeah, I was like, okay, well, let's just start barking. I did that, by the way. Barking, obviously, for the new people in comedy is when you just eat away at your soul out on a street for a while. You lie to people. Hey, kid, you have too much soul. Get out there and grind it away. Get out there and lie to people.

Hey, tourist, do you want to come see maybe Chris Rock? I don't know. He's stopped it once in a decade. Right, yeah. I was talking to, we had Liz Mealy on the show yesterday. She was saying the same thing happened. to come see maybe chris rock yeah i don't know he's stopped it once in a decade right yeah i was talking to we had liz mealy on the show yesterday she was saying the same thing happened so like yeah dave chapelle's gonna be inside right they make you say that too they'll give you a they'll give you a a necklace with a thing on it the what is it it's called the the little like a placard or something yeah they'll give you like a thing where uh where a lanyard that's what it is gotcha

not a necklace i hear you necklace would be nice yeah fucking hardcore give me a gold chain and then i just go out there and muscle in some people it says i don't have a soul in diamonds yeah but you go out there every single night and you try and dope some tourists who don't speak any english into going and seeing a real live new york comedy show and you're like, all these people from Comedy Central. Yeah, Letterman. Whoever you think is funny is inside. Yeah, no way. Yeah.

He's in there. What, Ted from work? Yeah. Get the fuck out. Who's the most believable guy that you think's coming? Because he's totally here. Jay Leto. Yeah.

So I did that every night. And they would do it. They give you like 10 tickets. And if you sold enough tickets or you know you did whatever which is uh insane then they would give you like five minutes or six minutes on the show yeah and i did that for a little bit and there was one night i was working a job like a nine to ten to six job nine to five whatever you call it working ten to six yeah that's how the song goes yeah remix yeah so i'd be doing that all day i'd be exhausted i'm learning a new job

and i'm working my ass off to try and like pay to live in the city and then i'm going out immediately after a night and barking for three hours and there was one night in particular like three or four weeks in and i was barking and i just it just didn't happen for me i just didn't sell a ticket which you know is probably odds are that that's going to happen more than it won't. Yeah. Yeah. And I go back to the club and I'm like, hey, man, look, you know, I didn't get any tickets tonight. I've been getting tickets from all week.

And he goes, yeah, well, maybe tomorrow. I don't know. I can't put you up. And I'm like, you fucking asshole. Like, I just spent three hours out there. Yeah. I'm not doing this as a scam. You know, I'm not just like

yeah he just sees you as an employee not like an artist or somebody trying to be funny it's like well you didn't push any tickets so fuck off and his room is like a hallway with like three other comics and four people from australia and then that's it right it's just sucks so i stopped barking that day i was like you know my man uh fuck off yeah it's such a shitty like experience too it's not conducive to being funny at all like you work all day and then you have to go out there and hustle and lie it's like now go be funny for five minutes you know and baltimore is such so much better about that there's actually like a there's steps that you can take to get it's kind of fair you know what i mean if you're, then you'll start getting shows. Very democratic. Yeah.

You know, if there's people we hate, we never talk to them again. Tommy Simbaza. A name, I thought that was like the Voldemort thing. We're not allowed to say Simbaza. It's going to be bleeped out. Yeah, of course. Go for it. Simbaza it up all you want. Yeah.

Have fun. He's doing well, right? Everybody? I haven't talked to Tommy in a while. We love Tommy. Yeah, no, he's doing great. Okay, good. We actually, we're on a new podcast network with that guy, Mike Fonazzo.

What's it called? Thunder Grunt. And there it is. And he does a voice for... Hey, I do the sound effects that he does. Yeah, exactly. And yeah, he does the Meanwhile at the Skull Base podcast, which is like an audio comic book thing.

And it's actually really cool. So check it out, guys. He's super funny. There's a lot of people that are super funny you guys should check them all out check them all out yeah next week on the show we're gonna have dave chappelle yep from the office everybody from letterman and comedy central is coming in yep they're all on the thunder grunt network as well so yeah check it out lennie bruce lennie br Bruce. Thundergrunt.com. Yep. Carl Sagan. Yeah. He's making it.

Yeah. Yeah. From the cosmos. He's back, baby. Sagan in the house. Those scientists are super funny. Yeah. So, okay.

So you stopped doing that. And then I guess you just keep plugging away, like after the barking thing. Yeah, after that stop. I'm just going to keep getting up where I can. I just started to do some mics. I actually, I've told you this, Mike, I really lucked out in the comedy scene in New York. I mean, it's not really something that you can duplicate too easily,

but the job that I was working at happened to have an event at a comedy show. What's this job? I was working at Gawker, actually. Oh, okay. So I was working at Gawker, and one of their websites is Deadspin, and Deadspin does a comedy week every year. Okay. And part of the comedy week is that they do a live show, and they pick a venue to do the live show at.

And they all knew that, you know, I was friends with all of them. They knew that I was doing comedy. Yeah. And so they said, hey, do you know any place that we could do this comedy show at? So I met one guy, oneer uh there who you know promoted at gotham actually that's how i met him and i was like yeah yeah i know a guy i'll put you guys in touch with him so i reached out to him connected you know the dots there put on my other networking hat you got a lot we got a lot of hats i got so many hats nice yeah i can give

you one if you want a hat owner yeah i mean if you want to give me a hat sure i've got so many i just don't want to say loner on it you know or like one if you want to give me a hat sure i've got so many i just don't want to say loner on it you know or like one that i give away yeah the one hat that i give away hat yeah i don't want that hat yeah we'll work we'll work on it do you have a rastafarian hat like the fake ones that have the fake dreads that's actually my networking hat really yeah wow that's the other one write this down so i'm gonna pretend to write this down so i was yeah so i i kind of connected those two and as a reward for doing that they were saying oh well you know deadspin was like hey you can why don't you do the show as well nice so they they kind of like packed out the show with good

good comics better comics than me jerry seinfeld seinfeld people from letterman like mike caplan right mike caplan was one yeah Yeah, Mike Kaplan is amazing. And he closed out the show. I think that they had, I can't remember if they had Judah Friedlander there. I think he might have been there for the show. He's very funny. He stopped by Gotham a lot. But anyway, so I got on that show.

Oh, he's so nice. Yeah, yeah. The world champ. So I got on the show. I made sure to do the best jokes that i could put together you know i really worked on that set uh i think i did a nice job and he how long were you doing uh at that time i think i did about eight okay on the show so it was just a nice little chunk super tight eight yeah super tight eight super cool eight yeah you know people want to

do tight why not cool why not a cool eight make it cool yeah. Yeah. You know, people want to do tight. Why not cool? Why not a cool eight? Make it cool. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Every time I've done my laymate, it just, never get invited back. I hear you,

man. I'm grinding out my laymate right now. I hear you. Does anybody like cross stitching? Hello? How we doing, Essex? Yeah.

So I did the show and it went well and, you know, the promoter said, hey, you did a nice job. Thanks for helping out.

Why don't I get you a couple of guest spots on the new talent shows? Wow. So I did a few guest spots and I made sure to still do some other stuff. You're crossing out Lame 8 in your notebook. Yeah, no lame, no lame. That's a part of your Eminem 8 Mile story writing in your hand on the bus. Crossing out Lame 8. That's all I write in my notebook.

Lame, lame, lame, lame. No, no, no, no no no no no yeah i just had lame in front of every premise that i have i'm gonna do this lame premise about preakness lame preakness lame preakness is a great joke lane bryant lame lane bryant yeah all right yeah okay so that goes well so that's cool so then you start getting shows there and then does that give you like some credibility yeah it gave me some credibility with him and he liked how i was doing with the audiences so he kept giving me a little bit of you know some spots here and there uh i i also just assuming that he just thought that i would always be able to hook him up with good shows oh right his fault that's not happening yeah that was a one-time deal but he didn't know that so i

kept getting spots and eventually one or two times he asked me to host the show and i didn't know the layout of the like where they where their lights are and all the things i was supposed to do but i just acted like i knew everything uh-huh and when he told me he would tell me stuff and then every time he would tell me stuff i'd be like yeah no problem i know that what like like just stuff about the venue or yeah like he'd be like okay and then the lights over here i'm like yeah totally yeah that's where the fucking light is you don't think i knew where the light was as soon as i walked into here yeah come on man so i just wanted to make him feel comfortable with me as a host

i did that a few times and i've been hosting that show ever since excellent i still you know i've been in there a couple times a couple times a month you know so fake it till you make it i fake no lame stuff i get it but that's not a real if people are listening like oh that's how i do it that's yeah i think they're gonna be two open bikers that are like i need to get a job at gawker and then i'm gonna make it yeah and then i'll wait for comedy night and then i'll hook andy up with it yeah i gotta get a hold of andy yeah andy's the one he's your guy. So how long were you in New York before that happened?

That's why I was so lucky. I was probably in New York for about five or six months before that happened. Wow. So I got hooked up quick. Excellent. And then it's like the cheat code. I game genied my way to New York. Yeah, I'd still be at the one open mic right now. Right, right.

Rubbing two sticks together. Munza hates that open mic, by the way. Yeah, I'd still be at the one open mic right now. Right, right. Rubbing two sticks together. Munza hates that open mic, by the way. Oh, yeah. So what has been your best experience and your worst experience in New York so far? Or in comedy in general. Besides this show, which of course I hate. This is definitely the high watermark for me.

Of course. I'd say the best experience that I did, or let's start with the worst. The worst one I did is I went to there's a mic called The Pit in New York. It's a two minute mic at 11 o'clock on Mondays. There's a pitch for you. That's a promotion.

The Pit. That's The Pit. It's a people's improv theater. Okay, so it's there. Gotcha. It's like a stadium seating type place. Everybody's just kind of miserable there as most mics are. No, no,'s like a stadium seating type place everybody's just kind of miserable there as most mics are no no we all are it's just everybody's just trying to get it is a pretty big theater like considering a two minute open mic or yeah yeah and i for whatever

reason i just got really high right before the show and i never do comedy high yeah so i was like i can barely get high and go outside i know right like it's so it's so impressive when people get high and then get really productive yeah no i i rarely smoke as it is i just need to know like the day's over yeah me and my girl like let's watch um deadwood and eat ice cream like okay now let's lock the door no one can no one can know i don't want to talk to anybody exactly just want to watch Blue Planet all day. Yeah. We watched a 3D movie on the coral reef, and it was amazing.

It was great. Is it just a guy with a 3D camera going around the coral reef? Well, it's coming at me. No. I'm freaking out. There's a shark. Maybe. Maybe.

The only time I've ever done comedy high was I did this open mic, and it was at the Terra Cafe, which I don't even think exists anymore. Yeah, in the city here. Yeah, in Baltimore. I was really high and I kept apologizing in my set for going over my time. I was just like, I'm sorry, just one more, just one more joke. And then it turned out I had done four minutes. Really?

And I was supposed to do like 15. So like as soon as you were up there, you're like, one more second, guys. One more, guys. Well, I did this bit, which I thought was like a really long story. Yeah, I guess it was way shorter than I thought it was. Where were you getting high? With somebody at the show? Was there a circle and you were like, I'm hip?

I'm with it? I don't remember. I remember I ate edibles. And I think it was one of those things that was like right after New Year's, and we had like pot brownies left over. Right. So I ate one,

and it didn't like kick in. Yeah. Oh, my God. Until like way closer to the show. So you did a pot brownie before this? Yeah, which if you don't know, way more potent. Yeah.

Yeah. When it goes through your liver, it's like something like four times more potent or something like that yeah the only good thing that came out of it is usually when i bomb i'm like so self-hating with this time when i bobbed i just ate fucking checkers i was like this is the greatest night ever i just did an hour and a half set right i deserve this yeah yeah i've only done pop brownies once And I'll never do them again I'll do mushrooms No problem

Uh huh Pop brownies I'm not touching stuff The first time I did pop brownies I was in college First and last And we made eight of them Uh huh

You know So they're big Fucking brownies Yeah And I ate one My friend ate one And like He had to go to the store

To pick up something So about an hour goes by And I call him up. I'm not feeling anything. I'm like, hey, dude, are you feeling stuff? He's like, yeah, I've been feeling this for the past 15 minutes. And I'm sitting there like, man, maybe I just, in my head, I worked this out. I was like, maybe the weed was that kind of like weighted down to a different brownie

or a different side of the pan, and I just didn't get it. I love the logic, the weed logic. So I was like, yeah, yeah. I had a corner piece. Yeah, I had a corner, pan and I just didn't get it. I love the logic, the weed logic. So it's like, yeah, yeah. I had a corner piece. Yeah, I had a corner, so maybe the weed didn't get to the corner, so I just ate a regular brownie. I should go eat another brownie. And I went and I ate

another brownie and then almost immediately, right after it, the first one kicks in and I'm like, oh, fuck. Yeah, and now that one's just going to process later. He he came back i was like in the fetal position on the couch just shaking rethinking every thought you ever had in your life never eating these again i've been there high and not high yeah that whole fetal it was just a regular

brownie the fetal position just friday night you know why is crying fetal so good in the fetal position i don't know yeah fetal friday feels like home fetal friday that's what i'm all about that's a great new hashtag hashtag fetal fridays follow friday yeah that's what i'm about that's what i'm about never again okay so uh so with the the show at the pit had you smoked or you would eat so i i had not eaten a brownie okay you're like i'm not doing that i just got got really high, and I was like, oh, you know what? I'm going to try. Maybe this is my thing.

You ever do that? Maybe that's my thing. Maybe I'll get high before shows. I'm the riff around guy. Yeah, who knows how funny I'll be if I'm high. Let me go to the pit, Mike, and try this. So I went to the pit, Mike, and I had the similar experience as what Mike did. I went to the the uh show i was doing something some kind of bit about uh the

commercial for uh montana or something it was like wyoming that's what it was okay it's like a commercial with some horses in it for wyoming right like come vacation in wyoming yeah but they had a weird they had a weird uh i don't even remember what what i found so funny about it but it was something about their slogan of uh roaming free and what they did with the horses in the commercial i don't know it was like it was something backwards but i was trying to explain what the commercial was like and making fun of wyoming yeah but uh that was like that's like what i would try to do when i was not high when i was high yeah i just said wyoming a bunch and horses and i thought i like it's only two minutes i got like 30 seconds into my set and i'm like am i done it's like the guy's like no i said wyoming and horses like nine times i'm like i'm like guys i don't know if this is funny

and then like one guy's like it's not i'm like'm like, all right. Oh, no. Okay, well, you got to see the commercial. Baby. Are you sure it's not funny? I'm the weed guy now. This is my thing. You guys are ruining my thing's first night. I think there's nothing worse. The only thing worse than being paranoid while high is having your paranoia validated.

Somebody going, no, yeah, you're right. No, it's a fucking train wreck. Oh, yeah. Okay. It was yeah. Okay. It was a miserable experience. That one was the one where I'm like, well, that's not my thing. Yeah, well, at least it was a two-minute set.

Two minutes. It was a very quick, brutal experience. Quick, but very long, I'm sure. Yeah, those are always fun. Yeah. The best experience that I had, even though I didn't get it uh i was asked to audition for a show on comedy central just for like a like a uh it was not like a comedy central presents or

anything like that it was uh just like a stand-up show like a show with stand-up in it and i audition for it and the audition went like really really well like i i had a really good set and it just wasn't like what they were looking for but yeah that was like a really good moment it felt really good to like go up and have like a killer set yeah to know you just did well yeah i'm pretty i'm pretty real about my sets i don't i don't have laugh years too much and i'm more often than not like i'll hate on my set more yeah i'll like my set so i felt really really good about that one i so like after the pit set on facebook you weren't like crushed it last night found my thing i just at at the pit hey guess what guys guess who loves wyoming horses at the pit with jerry seinfeld just killed it no that was that's

one of those shows where like even though you don't you don't get the thing it might not be what they're looking for yeah they validated the fact that it was a good set and it just wasn't what they yeah it didn't fit the the vibe of the show or whatever yeah they were just like yeah you know keep working at it like keep letting us know whatever you're doing yeah that's much better than not getting it because you bombed yeah like yeah i did the best i could i killed it but it just it wasn't yeah and i also like agree with them still and i'm always gonna agree with anybody that says I'm not ready. You know what I mean? I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know I'm not ready yet, but soon. Right. Is that a thing with all comedians, though, at all levels? No. I've heard. No? No. I'm going to stop you right there.

No, it is not a thing. I've heard Ray Romano say that stuff. He still thinks he's going to get found out as a fraud. Yeah. I've seen a lot of comics who, in year one one are like, yeah, I think that's ready. I think I'm ready for the right time. I mean people that are honest with themselves, I guess. But no, I know what you mean.

Yeah. We're in a delusional industry. Yeah. And there are some delusional motherfuckers. You have to be delusional to a certain extent. Yes. Yeah. But yeah, we know some people that-

But delusional about the right things. Don't be delusional about your own comedy. You have to be delusional enough to keep doing it. Yeah. Right. When you suck it. You have to be delusional that this is a viable career for all of us. If you do it long enough, you'll be able to sustain yourself.

Something will happen. Yeah. But not delusional like my jokes are killer. And I heard three guys laugh in the show of 500 and i'm great you know six months in and i'm i'm at the top ready this is as best as i can do even when you're six months in and you have a great set you're so not ready like yeah it's it's so hard to explain that to people it's like you could have a killer five and like you do that five and it works 100 of the time but you are so not ready

i love here i just heard an interview with chris rock and he's talking about when he got discovered by eddie murphy it was like three years into comedy and he had a set at the comic strip yeah and they asked i think it was actually wtf or might have been another podcast but they go did you kill and chris rock says it was a good set for back then yeah like because even he has the awareness like yeah at the time it probably was the set for back then yeah like because even he has the awareness like yeah at the time it probably was the set of my life but like i know like yeah there's still so much room to like get better yeah yeah i i feel like i'm just so far away from where i need to be always well i think what we need to do is just put comedian in front of our names right right

yeah yeah that's what changed the game for Chris Rock, too, right? Comedian Chris Rock, bigger and blacker. Yeah. Okay. At comedianrealbenrosen.mp. Doing it big. My dad didn't feel like an office furniture customer service agent until he put that as his first name on Facebook.

Yeah, I heard that's what really popped. Yeah. It popped on Tumblr, too. Furniture salesman Don Fonazzo. Is your dad's name don did i know it close oh it's got it so close don and tony are brothers for sure i think he has a brother dot all right i don't know why i had to say i think he does have a brother i think my uncle's name is yeah i'm pretty sure don's my uncle yeah um oh fuck what were you talking about you're talking about like delusion being delusional you're talking about obama yeah so what's the best

new york experience you know that was it that was the uh that that audition was probably the best one that was at the stand also i had a really good a meal at pie face at like two o'clock in the morning that was pretty good shout out to pie face oh i highly recommend pie face you guys have pie faces yet nah i didn't know like it came to new york like a year ago and i didn't know if it like overtook the east coast or if it was just what's what's so great about this fucking pie face ben well uh they have pies and they're open 24 hours a day and it's delicious it's i think anybody who's done any form of comedy knows that there's a point where you didn't eat dinner because you had to rush to a show yeah the show's over it's like 11 30 12 and you need to get dinner uh-huh you haven't had dinner

yet yeah and you only have diner or fast food yep and that's a quick way to die so like i need something that's just a step above that. Right, right, right. I don't need like a steakhouse or anything. Just give me a pie. I'm trying to be healthy here. Give me a pie. A steak pie would be great. Yes.

They do have delicious steak pies. Hey, there you go. That does sound amazing. Yeah. Where is it? New York? Oh,

all over now. God, I feel like they owe us so much money now. We did a lot of promoting here. Yeah. I'm just hoping for some follows. At Pie Face. Yeah, you said Chili's followed you?

Chili's follows me. This is me trying to make a smooth transition. Now, Ben, I understand Chili's is something. So Chili's followed me. It popped up on my phone. And when you get it popped up on your phone, you don't see the actual account. It just says, like, a Twitter twitter notification you have a new follower yeah at chili's is now following you and i was like i wonder if that's the real chili's or if it's just

some dude who got the account you know if it's real like a restaurant's real and it says restaurant chili restaurant chili's like that's the way to do yeah i was looking for like Omaha Chili's manager at Omaha Chili's manager. So they follow me. That's my Twitter account, actually. Oh, yeah. I get a lot of young folks. I have seen you. I knew I saw your tweets.

Yeah, man. It's just specials, right? Yeah, a lot of it's just me tweeting at 16-year-old girls like, hey, do you need a ride home? That type of thing. You know, as a manager, I like to take care of the girls. Yeah, those get RT'd quite a bit. like to take care of the girls yeah those guys are t'd quite a bit yeah a lot of rts a lot of faves yeah a lot of faves that's what i'm all about i don't like how they show the fave number now because i'm an over favor oh really i fave

everything oh so like on your profile yeah they show how many faves yeah i'm breathing it yeah you're breathing face and i'm a breathing a brief you are uh you don't have time you're a new yorker yeah i'm moving I'm moving. I'm moving, baby. I need to get that pie. Yeah, that's why Chili's follows me, because I get to the point. Fucking A. So they followed me, and I tweeted at them something like, let's be best friends forever.

And, you know, something awesome. Yeah. Which is super awesome. And they responded with a GIF. And then Mike. They responded with the Clifford Step Brothers. Yeah. He's's like did we just become best friends yeah yeah which was good i was i was a proud i was a proud moment for me

yeah and then mike sees this yeah and he steps in mike and i uh two years ago we did a show or three years ago we did a show at high tops shout out and big ups you we made a poster for it with the step brothers poster where we photoshopped crudely our faces on the Step Brothers photo. I like that. He was John C. Reilly and I was Will Ferrell. We kept the curly hair. I think I kept the curly hair because I'm Jewish. So I was like, that makes more sense.

So Mike jumped into this whole Chili's interaction and was like, fuck you, Chili's. He's my friend. And I think I was just more offended of the Step Brothers reference. I was like, that's our thing. And then they start tweeting. Now they're friends. And now we have plans to have an orgy with Chili's. I'm sure they'll be happy to hear that.

That's excellent. I highly recommend everyone follows Chili's. And that whole thing, it was weird how I went from fuck you, Chili's, to I'm like, thank you for not being Red Lobster. happy to hear that yeah that's excellent i highly recommend everyone follows chilis yeah and that whole thing it was weird how i went from fuck you chilis to i'm like thank you for not being red lobster you're the best chili i was hoping that red lobster would jump in and try and win our love why can't we all love each other it's always funny when a brand takes to social media to just to just interact with with you it's always funny to watch when somebody's complaining to see the social media person try and fix the problem with no power.

I'm so sorry to hear that you think we're cocksucking faggots. How can we help you? Look, honestly, we've been working very hard on our cocksucking faggotry. It has been brought to our attention several times. I've submitted a document to uh my boss and at cool dude 69 420 has told us all his problems and we're working on it very hard very hard they do it's it's always funny it was like when um was it united i think was it the united twitter handle that somebody this was so great i'm sure you guys saw this united was

somebody tweeted at them like fuck you united i've been on the runway for two hours this sucks you know and uh they were like oh i am so sorry to hear that you know obviously that's uh out of our control because we're uh a fucking plane company and you know what i mean they didn't write that that would be great uh you know they're like oh we're so sorry you know we'll do something and then he goes yeah yeah you sound real sorry about it or something like that he tweets back at them uh-huh so they said if you'd like to submit a formal complaint please you know do so here right and uh what i hope was intentional in my dreams this was intentional. The link was just a photo of a naked girl with her legs spread and a model plane in her vagina. Wait, United sent that? United sent that out and left it up there for four hours.

It wasn't like he tweeted it. It was like, oh, shit. And then it immediately was like, trash, trash, trash. Yeah, yeah. Oh, delete, delete, delete. It was like they left it up there for a long time it's like i'm taking a long lunch just killed it yeah and it was you could totally just google it and it's like united yeah okay i think i remember hearing about this it was so funny and i was hoping i in i just hope yeah that they meant to do it and that everybody was writing back like lol united

oh my god what is this like this and everybody was writing about it like all the media companies were writing about it yeah and i was hoping that they just stood by it but i mean yeah yeah we meant to do that like that's their new brand is they're just like fuck you i swear to god if a brand just went all in like that, I would use them constantly. They would win me over so hard. If the social media team was like, you know what? Yeah, fuck you. Yeah, fuck everybody.

You could submit your complaint right in this porn star's cooch. I'll stuff it in there with this model plane. Put it right there with all the fucks that I don't get. Oh, it's amazing. That was so good. I heard Megabus did a similar thing with a complaint, but it was with one Friendster involving a picture of Rosie O'Donnell.

Wait, really? No. The joke was they don't have Twitter yet. I don't even know where that was going. Let's cut that one out. Nope, that's all the podcast is going to be. I don't think that there's editing here. If you'd like to submit a complaint,

I have a photo to show you. Tweet at Rosen. MyDick at Gmail.com. Yeah, this is why I could never get a job as a social media manager. The temptation would be too great to just school people. Yeah, well, that's great. Go fuck yourself. Yeah.

Oh, let me calculate the ways that you can fuck yourself. Exactly. All of them. I'll get right on that. Yep, looks like you can fuck yourself. Exactly. All of them. I'll get right on that. Yep. Looks like you can keep doing it. Speaking of technology, I'm just going to shoehorn this in because I'm a little sad about it. My phone died.

I was telling you about this, Ben. So sorry. My phone died and I didn't have it backed up on the cloud because I'm an idiot. And I was like, I think the cloud costs money. So I'm just not going to do it. That's what I said at the Apple store. And then when I got a new phone today, all my voice memos are gone of like all my recordings of everything. Like stand up and notes and everything.

Do you record on your phone? Yeah. Yeah. I'll just put my phone like right on the stool. I never could get into that. And you don't back it up on your computer? No, because my computer is so old, it's all messed up. So, yeah.

So, I fucked up hardcore. I could never get into recording on my phone i don't know what it was about it i just never got around what do you do do you record your sets oh man i i'm avoiding eye contact with mike for a reason right now as he knows the reason i i told mike when he first in the first year that he was an idiot if he didn't record every single one of these well not just for cool because i told you that I record all my sets. You said, no, you need to film your sets. You told me. You were like, because if the audience watches you,

you have to watch yourself. That's what I said. And I totally believe that. And guess what I'm not doing right now? Any recording at all? No, I'm not doing at all. So you know this advice I've been taking to heart for years. Yeah, you know, I'm going to try and justify it somehow because it's not... Yeah, I want to hear it. Yeah, you know, I think it's okay because it's me. You know, I don't know try and justify it somehow because it's not. Yeah. I want to hear it. Yeah. You know, I think it's okay because it's me.

You know, I don't know. That kind of works, right? Because I'm great. I'm comedian Ben Rosen. I know what I'm doing. But Mike, you need to film your sets. You know, I just, I just like the idea of, you know, Ben in the back of a stupid pie shop,

telling open micers what to do with their careers. All right. Here's the thing. Did you get, first of all, did you get the steak pie okay okay good film your sets man what's wrong with you just work at gawker yeah just all you gotta do is get a cool job and then everyone will like you jesus christ that's a spell dead spin you idiot oh my god right yeah yeah i i stopped working at all the notably cool places yeah you were at buzzeed for a bit too, right? I was at BuzzFeed for a bit.

It was funny because I was working at BuzzFeed before BuzzFeed was cool. Can I say that in my hipstery voice? I was there before it was cool. I was doing list before list. I invented lists. I was there two years ago. Started two years ago. I would tell people I worked at BuzzFeed.

Nobody knew what it was. They probably had about 25 million people coming to the site every month which is still a lot but it wasn't you know a huge site or anything i mean it's not like digression sessions numbers yeah it's decent yeah it's not like lemon party you know yeah that's the i can't even imagine how many uniques they get a month that's the political party i support yeah the lemon party yeah i saw a really good troll of that like somebody put up posters like tired of the republican party tired of the democratic party why not lemon party it's like at flyer for lemon party like well i must check it out can't be worse yeah it's what some libertarian guy like hell yeah friend on there like steve no so yeah i worked BuzzFeed for a little bit. So they started at 25 million people a month going to the site.

Yeah. And when I left. We're talking unique views. Unique visitors. Visitors. I couldn't even get the right, the same word right. Yeah. I got you.

Yeah. I'm hip. Is everybody, is this a pretty big tech audience? Sure. We got a lot of UV rays out there. We could talk CTRs, UVs. All fucking day, Ben. CTRs is not that techie. I think a lot of UV rays out there. We could talk CTRs, UVs. All fucking day, Ben. CTRs is not that tacky. I think a lot of people know it.

Yeah, we all know condom, Tammy, Rosers. Yeah, go ahead. I love shortening things. When I left BuzzFeed, I think they were up to about 160 million people visiting the site every week. Why leave the BuzzFeeds?

First of all, I love BuzzFeed. I love everybody who works there. I love that company. That was an absolute dream job for me. Okay, for the listener at home, Ben's rolling his eyes and giving the fuck you sign. Yeah, I'm actually holding up two middle fingers right now. No, they're all great. They're really like...

He's being sincere. All of my friends. I'm actually crying right now. They're all my friends. I think the site's so funny, and I think that it's successful for a reason, and I'm glad that everybody loves it. But I got an opportunity to work at another website where I'd have a bigger role, so I'm an editor at another website now.

And what's that website? That's ViralNova. LemonParty.org. Yeah, LemonParty.org. No, I'm sorry. What is it? It's ViralNova. Okay. I'd seen them around uh when i was working at

buzzfeed uh they had a really cool position available uh a lot of creative freedom to work on the site um i get to make some big decisions nice so yeah the i think the audience skews a lot older so the content right now is a little bit different than what you'd find on buzzfeed you'd see some some overlap but for the most part, I think their age is like 35, around that range, a little bit higher than BuzzFeed. So we're working on growing the audience younger as well. Well, that's a good idea too because these buzz... It's got so much less fun.

And also farts. So we've got to get our fart demographic up and boners are down. Hey, go after that fart dem. I know we are. So we're growing. We got to get our fart demographic up and boners are down. Hey, go after that fart dem. I know we are. Yeah. I actually texted you. That's where my sister-in-law was a huge BuzzFeed fan.

She just always like reposts a lot of stuff. And there's some of them where before looking at the name of it, I knew it was yours. Really? And the one was like what? 19 Ways to Know You're Ben Rosen. Oh, yeah. I know which one you're saying. It was like farting on Jim McQuibbitt.

I was like, that's Ben fucking Rosen. See, I pitched this to a client. I worked in ads at BuzzFeed. So I'd write the sponsored posts for advertisers. But I could also contribute to the site whenever I wanted, if I wanted to just write an article for me. But I pitched this idea to a client and they they accepted the idea they said yeah we'd like to do this and we moved forward with

it and i built it out uh it was the 13 worst gym machines if you're holding in a fart nice which is an important list i mean yeah we can all relate yeah sure so we built the whole post out and they already approved the idea and when it got to them they were like oh right no we don't want to do this you know all right now i don't know what they thought it was going to be uh-huh but they were like yeah no we just filmed gifs of us at the gym making fart faces great on different machines and then wrote copy about you know what the was. So you had to pitch to somebody, and you mentioned the word farts in the pitch. Oh, I absolutely mentioned the word fart. I made sure to mention the word fart.

And after that meeting, were you just drinking coffee, looking over the New York skyline, like, I made it. I've made it. I'm established here. I almost walked out off the building. What's the status on that up? Can't go anywhere up from here. It's like the idea of the mad men series finale

it's gonna involve don draber's fart article yeah yeah yeah it rivals the carousel polaroid thing starting to cry farts we all make them so it was yeah so they when they declined it i i posted it myself i was like i'm doing yeah this is gonna be it has to go live yeah so i put under my name yeah why i mean you're gonna let a masterpiece like that die of the vine of course not what the fuck the one that i was really surprised that never took off uh like i thought it would yeah was the uh eight health benefits of being an asshole oh that was so funny i loved that post i mean i was i wanted to do that post for about six months or seven months we've been talking about for a while me and a couple friends and i wanted to what we what the goal was was to talk to a fitness expert and get real good scientific estimates on real health benefits of the factors of being an asshole for example

how much how many calories do you burn when you give someone the middle finger or does shouting release endorphins? Or like, you know, it was like, say I were to leave the toilet seat up. Is that healthier than touching it? You know, which I think it is. All of those things are super important. And I made that list and it came out, I thought, pretty well. We had eight items on there.

It was backed up with science. And I published it and people just didn't want to share it. Maybe it was because it wasn't funny i think it's also that i assume that most people think like comics where they're cool making fun of themselves but i don't think what i thought would happen was people would ironically post it like oh i'm such an asshole good thing now i can yell at people still right i thought that that was going to be that was so clear in my head that's how people are going to share this yeah and when i posted it people just were like yeah i don't want to associate myself with being an asshole or they didn't want to curse on their facebook page or something right right and it was a it was a big learning experience for me i was like yeah i guess

people don't want don't want to share that so now let's get into some farts not assholes but farts so maybe i i changed the title to just just health benefits to being a shitty cunt. And it took off. People love that post. Tagging their friends, Karen, you're a shitty cunt. Oh, you know how we be shitty cunts. I don't know why she had that weird accent. Shitty cunts.

You know we're shitty cunts. Yep. What were some of your favorites besides those? The one that's my absolute favorite post that I got through for a client, for Skittles. Oh, really? Skittles had an ad initiative with a commercial. It was their cloud, their Skittles cloud that they have.

Oh, yeah. There was an old lady walking the cloud as a pet, and then it rained Skittles. She had a pet cloud that rained Skittles. And they wanted – this is kind of how it works when you do sponsored content. A brand will come in and say, okay, we've got this commercial. It's a cloud pet, and we need ideas about pets and clouds. And relate it back to this, the video. So I'm like, okay.

So we came up with the post uh 12 cats who might be clouds okay and i just it's a real fun article i put cat pictures of cats and then i would find clouds that were shaped in the exact same way as these like fluffy cats right right and i'd find pictures of clouds that were shaped like them and then i would name the cats like just really stupid names right and i had uh one it was like uh so i'd go through and it'd be like uh you know long yawn silver and then it'd be like uh eric and then it would be there was one it was just like a bunch of very like you know quick names and then there was one cat that was just staring at the camera and i i called him gorbazon ruler of the ninth realm and greater hypeteron galaxy

and then the next cat was cinnamon you know it was like just to play it up uh-huh that post got like 120 000 views or something like that just like took off how did the skittles get involved in that i mean like the very bottom of the post we include okay the skittles video and it's like pets and clouds ah like if you like that what about this yeah what's better than a cat that looks like a cloud is a cloud that looks like a cloud now eat our sugary goodness yeah enjoy skittles yeah man so that's awesome that's a fun job yeah you're doing you're doing great it's just this cliche story. Boy goes to New York, does stand-up, works for Gawker, works for BuzzFeed.

Yeah. That's awesome. Super cliche. So yeah, I'm kind of happy. The only thing I'm happy about with leaving BuzzFeed besides you know, that I hate everyone. No. Wouldn't that be a great twist if I just went back on all that stuff? Yeah, that they're shitty cairns.

And Karen and theairns go fuck yourself they're the best uh so uh shout out to karen yeah the the thing that um that i am happy about now that i've left buzzfeed is that i felt that when you have a job where comics are interested in your job to get stuff out of you you You know what I mean by that? I think we all kind of know generally what I'm talking about, where there's a comic who's like, hey, I'm only going to be nice to this person because they could potentially help out my career type things.

Rather than just be a good person. Yeah. I think like, yeah, instead of just like, you know, being a friend with somebody for the reasons of just friendship. Yeah. It happens sometimes and more often than I'd like to admit to. But I'm happy that I left a job like that because now I can get a little bit more

of an accurate read of myself as a comic. Interesting. And it really, it's not something that I enjoyed. It sounds shitty to say something like that. I didn't enjoy the advantages that a job was giving me for comedy. Well, you want it to be real.

Yeah, I don't want to get put on a show because of my job i want to get put on a show because of my comedy yeah and it's not helpful for me to do it and then also that person turning around wanting something out of you oh yeah it's awful and then you just have to be like oh man like i thought that person was really my friend you know yeah and not even like i mean some of my friends really do like actually you know need something and are doing it honestly. Some people are just like, I'm going to cozy up with him because he could get my web series on BuzzFeed. And it's like, dude, I can't get your fucking web series on BuzzFeed. Yeah, I can't get my web series on BuzzFeed. Have you seen any of my shit up on BuzzFeed?

No. There's a reason because they're not going to put it up. Yeah, you can't just abuse this. I don't own the site. I'm not the ceo man like i'm not i'm not even an editor that controls that stuff i would have to take your web series which we all know is not funny yeah you know it's not funny i know it's not funny right and then i have to go talk to one of my friends at the company and say hey could you look at this please because my friend really wants it up there and then they're gonna go yeah this is terrible why did you send this to me and i go i don't know

they made me yeah and that just makes you look like a douche too like you don't have any judgment and then if there's something that really i think should go up on the site and i think is really funny and like i like if honestly i if there's friends of mine that are listening to this if you have something that's genuinely funny you don't have to ask me to put it up i will go out of my way yeah i think it's like world beating funny shit yeah and that's the only way you're gonna go viral like don't mislead yourself like if it's funny because it's like kind of amusing or you do have a few jokes in there whatever yeah but if it's like in that top one percent funny and it really is hysterical i will absolutely like like show it to those people and they will absolutely put it up because it deserves to be this goes back to the delusion thing because

everybody thinks everybody is the top one percent they all think they are the top and right now there's there's i guarantee you there's people who are listening who are going oh yeah yeah i totally know what he means he's talking to me he's talking to me yeah yeah yeah i know what you're saying man i totally get it but this thing that I have is in the top 1%. Right. And you're living in a fucking fantasy right now. You're just coming off stupid, if I can quote. I think it was Step Brothers.

Yeah. Yeah. There we go. We're back to Step Brothers. Wow. It all comes back to Step Brothers. Well, I was going to plug my web series, but forget it. It's cool.

I mean, Josh's web series is in the top 1%. It's called Josh is Cool. That's the name of my web series. but forget it. It's cool. I mean, thanks for coming by, man. Josh's web series is in the top 1%. It's called Josh is Cool. That's my web series. That's the thing. You know what? I'm going to plug a friend of mine, Paul Schistler, who's a friend of mine in New York City. He was always, I think it was in the Great Gatsby book. I think he's literate.

Okay. There's the quote of, you ask too much, I think is the quote. And that's like the thing. And when he said that, I was like, yeah. Yeah, man. I don't think you'll ever catch me asking either of you guys for any favors unless I need a trip back from the hospital or something like that. Maybe.

You're not even my top picks. I like that you quoted Step Brothers and Great Gatsby within 30 seconds. Within 30 seconds. Here we go. He's got range. I got range. Time for clueless quotes yeah man don't even get me on uh on space we can get into some technical terms uh-huh yeah i mean we are gonna

have carl saying it on the show so here's the thing i love space i've i when before cosmos there was a show called the universe on the same it wasn't on the same network it was on a discovery channel i believe or yeah i saw some of that on netflix i think it's on there now yeah the universe on the same it wasn't on the same network it was on a discovery channel i believe or history yeah i saw some of that on netflix i think it's on there now yeah the universe it was a great show i used to watch it all the time yeah and i just when i'm interested in something like that it just naturally kind of retains if i'm not interested i'll i will never be able to remember it right and so i like know all these little terms from that show because i love space and so i was in a conversation with, with somebody the other day. Sometimes you're just like joking around with friends and there's like, these are new

people that I met and they were on this thing, like a quiz game. And they're like, ask me a question. I'll give you guys a quiz. I don't know. It was a stupid game. I'll give you, I'll give you a question and you asked, you know, you determine how difficult of a question you want. And then I'll tell you, you know, what the answer is or whatever i don't know we were drunk and so so he's he gets on the topic of space and he does a space question and i answer it and i'm like okay i got a really hard space question if you guys want to answer it and they're like okay yeah and then i made the mistake of going way too hard into it and i was like all right what's the difference between a blazar and a quasar and everyone was just like yeah all right fuck off guy i'm like no nobody knows okay i thought

what those are thought we were having a quiz yeah i thought you guys wanted a hard question then i nerd flexed and i walked off fucking nerd yeah nobody likes that guy no the guy blazars and Quasars. No, nobody does like that guy. Please tell me there's one person who's listened to this like, I fucking know this. I hope they feel validated. I know the difference. One is pulsating and one's...

Yeah, what is the difference? All right, so really, if I can give you... And I hope to dear God I'm remembering this correctly, because I've never... It would be even better if I'm wrong. Yeah, so it's like, fucking idiot, don't if i'm wrong yeah it's a fucking idiot oh my god oh my god so uh blazer and a quasar it's when you have a black hole that uh emits energy it sucks in too much energy and it shoots out this like beam of energy out of it no i'm kidding no this is really important and like one of them pulsates and one of them doesn't. Gotcha. Yeah.

Okay, that is interesting. You guys remember that scene with Step Brothers where they played the drums and he got mad? I just want everyone to learn about space. Farts. My dad doesn't care about space and it drives me crazy. Yeah? Yeah. When there was the gravitational waves discovery that came out. Can we turn this into a space cast?

Apparently we are. Go ahead. It's happening, guys. Take it. Sorry, this is where my energy is Apparently we are. Go ahead. It's happening, guys. Take it. This is where my energy is going right now. The black hole of comedy, everybody. When that discovery came out, damn it. When that discovery

came out about, I'm going for it, about gravitational waves where they were sure that they figured out that it was the Big Bang instead of anything else. Oh, yeah. Do you remember that? I was so excited about that news and I confronted my dad about it. I was like, yeah, yeah. Do you remember that? I was so excited about that news. And I confronted my dad about it. I was like, yeah, they just figured this out.

And it's so amazing. The big bang. And he's like, yeah, I don't care. And I'm like, ah, disown me. Couldn't even pretend, huh? Yeah, he's like, I don't see why I should care about what happens in space. It doesn't have anything to do with me.

And then I'm just like, I don't have the reason why, but you should. Yeah. It's important because of reasons dad we're in the universe you just don't get it man i mean it's at least interesting it is it's so interesting it's a it's a search for greater meaning besides people that's fun right isn't that why we all do comedy uh-huh Mike just looked down at the table I don't even know why I do comedy anymore It's because we all come from broken hopes We all need love It's because my dad didn't like space either Hey dad, do you want to watch Cos?

No? He calls it Cosnos Cosnos? No, Cosnos? No, Cosnos That was a terrible joke I'm so sorry Don't worry, we'll leave that in This is a segment called Everyone Hates Ben Cosnos? No, Cosnos? No, Cosnos. That was a terrible joke. I'm so sorry. Don't worry. We'll leave that in.

This is a segment called Everyone Hates Ben. No, if they're still listening at this point, God bless them. They tuned out way before they started the interview. No, no. Well, we're going to wrap it up soon, but I did want to ask you about... Space? Quasars and Quasars. You got it, man. What do you got?

Uh, no, in your, in your act, in your, in your little jokey jokes. Yeah. You say that you're asexual.

I am asexual. How does that work? And I'm sure you've probably gotten this question a bunch of times, but I want to know, I just, I want to know everything. Yeah. Um,

so, uh, for those of you don't know, it's asexual or they're people who are not sexually attracted to either gender. I have written material about it. I think that that's – I'm kind of at a cross. That's not the right word. I'm at a – it's not at a cross with it.

What's the term? Crossroads? Crossroads. Yeah, crossroad. I guess it's a cross too. Sure. I'm at a Jesus with this thing. Yeah, you're on the cross.

Yeah, I'm on the cross. You're crucifying yourself for being asexual yeah where i don't want to use i don't want to i want to talk about it because it's interesting to people on stage and i want to i want to write material about it and i think it's i could do a lot of material on it yeah also don't want to be known as just the asexual comic guy right you know what i mean right like it'd be like you don't want to be the gay comic yeah i was i was gonna say that too or somebody just like i'm gay y'all that's like all they do yeah yeah you want to be you you want to be ben rosen right i wanted it i wanted to be just yeah one factor of something that i've talked about right and it's just kind of like a a sub

piece of information that people know yeah but i don't want it to like be my hour right i mean that'd be so weird so um and cheap it's like a really cheap way to like i don't want it to be my hour. You know what I mean? That'd be so weird. And cheap. It's like a really cheap way to... I don't think it's cheap. I think it's very unique to you. Yeah, I mean, that's what I'm saying. It is a part of who you are, so you should talk about it. But I'm thinking about it like, alright, in 30 years, if there's more

asexual people doing comedy, then it's like, oh yeah, that guy wasn't funny. He just was talking about something that was interesting back then. You'll be so rich, and then you'll have to turn down all that yeah, that guy wasn't funny. He just was talking about something that was interesting back then. But you'll be so rich, and then you'll have to turn down all that dick and pussy you want. Yeah, that's why I'm doing comedy, to get rich. That's the most effective way to get money. That long-term plan.

This is the most beautiful thing about being asexual. People are like, you can't do a job and do comedy you have to do one or the other and like a lot of people struggle with that balance there's no it's like there's no shows at two o'clock in the afternoon that i really want to do sure so i find jobs that i could work remotely yeah and then i just do comedy at night i don't have to go out dating i don't have to go see a movie with my girlfriend i don't have to do out dating. I don't have to go see a movie with my girlfriend. I don't have to do any of the stuff that takes up everybody's time.

I can just go do comedy. When I'm not at work, I have nothing to do. I like the idea that my wife is listening to this going, how come Ben's asexual life sounds like Mike's married life? He just does comedy all the time. He's at work and does shows. It's so beneficial to having the comedy career as well.

Right. I honestly have mapped this out in my head hundreds of times of how I could maintain a career that actually pays me money and maintain a career in the thing that I love doing. And I think that BuzzFeed was one of those things. The reason why it was so great also is because it was complimentary you know i could do creative work all day yeah and you're doing comedic stuff too so those muscles are reinforcing each other i always thought it was like a jar where you just have like a certain amount of creativity and when you use it up you're spent but it's not it really is like a muscle it's like if you're working in the morning you're working at night You get better So Interesting

Yeah It's so good for that So I would do Yeah I can do that That easily And have fun at a job And work

You know Right From Kansas And do You know Some kind of comedy festival there So with The asexual thing

Is it something that you always knew? Like did you have to fake it in high school? Like I do want to go to the dance with you yeah i like you for for the earlier parts of it it was something that i knew was a problem and i didn't know what it was interesting you know everybody else is like attracted one way or another and like your friends are talking about stuff video games still yeah you know maybe maybe I just really like video games. I don't know. That could be it.

No, I just, I would wonder what the issue was, and I wondered what the problem was, and I tried to Google around to see what was happening, and Google wasn't very good back then for this. Like, asexuality as a term is a relatively new thing as of like as of like five years ago four years ago that kind of stuff so like you know in high school and college that wasn't something that i was equipped with so i'm just at like frat parties and there's like girls around and i'm like i kind of just can i bartend you know like right right i always loved bartending because like i could talk to people it was like cheers i can make drinks it's like science it's

such an interesting thing with you because you're such a personable part like yeah as it is like it seems like all the time yeah you're working with people you're selling ideas to people like you're doing comedy you know how to talk to a crowd and then you're like yeah i'll just be on my own that's it's so interesting and it's like people people have their you know uh their assumptions of what is causing it that's not the thing they're like no this isn't a thing so you you know uh their assumptions of what is causing it that's not the thing they're like no this isn't a thing so you you know what it is it's this or this or this so they'll say like oh you've been eating a lot of steak pie so that's probably what it is yeah they're like oh you're embarrassed about being naked i'm like no i've been i've been naked with

people it's not embarrassing to me that's fine uh-huh um i'm naked right now as you guys can attest that's how we don't have any air conditioning so we have to podcast yeah uh so i i'm comfortable with that people say like oh did you have were you like abused sexually as a kid like no um there wasn't anything like that it's like uh there's no anxiety about it the only anxiety that was that i was getting from it was that i didn't know what it was and like why i didn't want it. And you research it back then, and they'll give you the, oh, it's erectile dysfunction. That's what it is.

You don't have any libido. You don't have any libido. You don't have testosterone or something like that, which is that's the wrong diagnosis because erectile dysfunction is when you want to do something and can't. But it was like... You don't have the desire. I don't have the desire to do it so i don't want to do it and this happened like as early as you can remember like this has always been i find see

if i want to get super technical on it and i don't on stage because it's like i don't want to turn it into like a biology lesson it's like a ted talk yeah it's like it goes very far away from comedy if you really get into it if i'm going to get to the very specific nature of what what my version of it is because there's different shades of it okay i am a heterosexual no heteroromantic asexual heteroromantic asexual so if i were to settle down with somebody i would still want it to be a girl i'm still like i find girls like oh i find girls pretty and attractive like that girl okay so you can objectively be like that person's pretty like i think that that girl is very pretty yeah i don't want to put a penis in her but she's very pretty not just your penis but a penis yeah it's like oh what a beautiful painting you have oh do you want to fuck the painting no i don't it's just a

really nice painting i don't know i like art they would kick you out of museums really fast i've had at least two women tell me that they would fuck you not asexual. Into the mic. Hello. Hi, Mike. Hello. I'm Ray Romano. We used to do Ray Romano impressions. Nobody does Ray Romano impressions, by the way.

Oh, gosh. Deborah! Deborah! Everybody loves me. Am I Italian or Jewishish i don't know maybe both i'm a man of a certain age i'm kind of a muppet no i'm just saying so yeah like they're i've i've fucked up my own joke because i was going to be like there are so many women that would say they would sleep with you and then i want so many i mean two they've actually said they would make like make you not asexual yeah good looking nice girls yeah but um but yeah it is just like an odd thing to

just to explain in detail it's just like i pay i like you and if i was going to do this thing it would be with something with a vagina yeah but just i'm not gonna yeah it's kind of like it was like the bastard version of what you just said i just did so i don't like to put my d in a p sorry my cliff notes i have i have i have tried sex with a few people uh it's not like something i haven't tried to experience yeah because i'm sure like early on too it's like maybe if i do it all like well that was that's that's the hardest part to identify yeah is that like i am like i am attracted to girls in the sense that like yeah i do find them attractive it's just like not anything physical is that weird to say it's like it's not anything physically i in my head it's very clear i'm hearing myself say it and it's very confusing

no i i see what you're saying like it's like you can objectively recognize those things yeah like oh wow that girl is very attractive like that's that's good for her that's great great for everybody uh but then good for the world good for the world but then then like if i was a caveman i would not like drawing her boobs on the penis inside like it would never occur to me to do that i would just be like oh that's a really attractive girl maybe you know maybe we can play video games together. When we invent video games. Yeah, when we do that. That would be fun, right?

We can have a good time. Sure. Yeah, but I've tried to have sex with girls. They're not bad sex people. They're not bad at giving sex, the sex to people. You are great with the terms. Yeah, they're not bad at making sex on you. They're not bad at giving sex the sex to people you were great with the terms yeah they're not yeah they're not bad at making sex on you they're not bad at it it's not like it's not like i picked people who are bad you know in fact i went out of my way to try and pick people that

i thought would be good at it uh-huh and to sway you to like yeah like maybe maybe like i was always thinking if i just do if i get one out of the way yeah then i'm good and i tried a couple times and every time i did it i was just so bored it was so boring wow it's repetitive just thinking of lego batman yeah well and it's just like why am i not playing that game marvel lego superheroes is just available to me interesting it was just and you know i've done i've done stuff with girls and it just never was exciting to me it's always more of a chore than it was like uh-huh like a thing i wanted to do that's interesting yeah i mean at least it i think it's cool you can be open about it too because i mean when you brought it up on

stage i didn't know that that was like really a thing yeah and and that's funny to me too where even that statement and i agree with you that like when people say wow that's like you know people be like it's very brave. I'm like, dude, if I don't say that, do you know how much harder it is to exist as like, not saying I'd slay as a single man. But if girls come up to me, it's such a painful conversation to have to like, first of all, you can't get it out of the way right away. Even if you know the girl's like flirting with you. Yeah, you don't want to seem like an asshole. You can't like,

like a girl starts flirting with you. Yeah, yeah. Well, here's the thing that I am. She should be like, I'm not even flirting with you. Yeah, how dare you? So you have to like go all the way to the point where she makes the move

and is like, I would like to have sex with you. And then I'm like, no, I don't do that. No sex person. And then they're like, why did you waste my night? And I'm like, now how you what you do to other guys oh i blue balled you boom well you're doing a service doing the lord's work good for you man i got you good for you no i

don't ever do that i i try and make it very clear yeah um and and have it known right as much as i can but i think that's what I like about your bits about it. And I've known you for years, and I've been a fan of your stand-up for years. Oh, come on. I have. This guy has always been way funnier than people in our class. At the year mark, you were way funnier than anybody else

who was a year in it and so on. But when you started doing the asexual bits, I was like, oh, he's finally being himself. Yeah. As opposed to you were talking about Pop-Tarts or just whatever you thought was funny. Yeah. but when you started doing the asexual bits i was like oh he's finally being himself yeah as opposed to you were talking about pop tarts or just whatever you thought was funny yeah but it was just like wow this this is fucking real and there's something so appealing to me who wants to be personal right and i was just like i i could watch you not even necessarily talking about asexuality but just more about your life on stage yeah i thought that was so good and just so profound

when i heard it. Yeah. There's also, I've noticed, I have watched one or two films of my own stuff, so I'm not completely out of the filming yourself, you know, game. But when I watch it, what I've noticed, and I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing yet, I haven't determined. I'll have like my whole set, I usually put it at the end because it weirds people out at the beginning.

Yeah, like the whole time, like their wheels are just spinning. They're still thinking about it. I like to fuck over the comic right after me. So I'm asexual and that's a thing. Bye. Bye-bye. And now Jerry Seinfeld, everyone. Oh, what's the deal?

Oh, my God. More realistically, like the next comic is just like some misogynist asshole. He's like, so who likes Robin Good's bitches on the bus? Yeah. More pussy for me then. It is funny to watch somebody do like a pretty vulgar set right after I do asexual stuff because it just never hits. Yeah. And it's just on the bus. More pussy for me then. It is funny to watch somebody do a pretty vulgar set right after I do asexual stuff because it just

never hits. It's just like, yep. Yeah, the table was not set for that. Yeah, you're welcome. This will make you better. I think also because you're so likable on stage, if you build up that trust with the audience by the time you do bring it up, it's just like, oh, well, that's

our friend up there. This is interesting. But my tone changes when i say like i actually deliver that whole set of material differently than i deliver the rest of the set which i've noticed and i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet it's kind of like here's the stick here's the stick here's the stick and realness this is me now you know you guys want to hear something fucking weird i don't fuck people oh yeah i get off on not fucking people yeah so wow that's great so just no no sex drive at all yeah well no that's no you know what's funny is that i do i do have a sex drive it's i still have testosterone i still have the need to release it's just uh so you'll just catch yourself in the mirror and be like you you look at you sweet looking man it's really the ultimate narcissistic thing because i love me no i i don't love anybody i

think i get the thing i get most excited about is just the idea that i'm about to masturbate really like it's like it's like you know a kid with a toy you're like oh yeah toy or one that you forgot about too it feels good no it feels really good and i like i get like excited it's like it's like you know a kid with a toy you're like oh yeah toy or one that you forgot about too it feels good no it feels really good and i like i get like excited it's kind of like a pavlov dog thing with my dick yeah where it's like oh masturbation time yeah that's what i call my dick too pavlov's dog yeah that's what you call your dick yep me too me too uh so what uh what are you masturbating to then is Is it just like you're just excited about this natural healing process? Yeah, I'm always very cautious. He's showing off the Chili's Twitter account.

Quasars. Quasars. I'm always cautious about saying exactly what it is. Okay. No, no, no. I will. I will say it. I'm always cautious about it because I know that it's going to give people assumptions.

Oh, okay. You know what I mean? Okay. I know that it's going to give people assumptions. Oh, okay. You know what I mean? Okay. I know that it's going to give people assumptions. Yeah. And it's always just like, it's an area where I'm like, look, it's, this is the thing where when I tell people what I masturbate to, this is where they're like, not going to believe anything that I just said.

Oh. I masturbate to bears. No. That'd be great. No, I masturbate. Large gay men? Yeah. For the most part, it would be just like lesbian pornography, mostly because it's like the

least violent of the porn. Yeah. And it's the least distracting pornography for me because I grew up like trying, I grew up straight. Like I guess I was raised straight. Okay. Yeah. And straight pornography was always like way too like distracting and like

violent well when you first see it too you're like jesus christ like it's like just a guy just it's just like and it's just like there's it's really funny also right porn is very funny yeah so it's like not a thing that i i like can do in the quickest possible way um i could i could get it done but it'll take a lot longer yeah and and the other way around is like i could at least like zone out a little bit and still feel like i'm normal you know what i mean like i put on pornography mostly because it's like the normal way to do it and it's the way that i've like grown up trying to trying to do it right my friend told me about porn i've like masturbated to porn since i've like grown up trying to trying to do it right my friend told me about porn i've like masturbated to porn since i was like a kid but it's like never really been that

great for me so i've always just kind of like yeah i just now it's like yeah i don't know if this is this is not going to be a one-to-one for most people but it's kind of a personal thing when i was a kid i used to i always used to take my poops on Sunday reading the comics the Sunday comics I mean you would poop on other days though yeah I would poop on okay I wouldn't say holding it for Sunday yeah let's like only day yeah let's save the good poop for Sunday but I'd always read the comics when I was pooping and now when I when I like when I read the comics a physical newspaper with the comics in it I feel the urge to poop right because your brain's like all right we have comics it's time it's the same thing for me with i can feel it it's the same exact thing with porn where it's like if there's porn on the screen right i feel

like this is the time to masturbate and it's just weird to do it in front of cars yeah you know you don't want to do that so i say that i like i never say that on stage i rarely say it in front of other like people yeah because it's an instant like like thing where they're like hey you're not asexual right so if you're doing that i don't even want to some idiot out there going so you're a lesbian then right yeah that means he's a lesbian lesbian bro yeah i like him a lot now there's a there's a graph that i draw draw people if i really want to about what how they should consider sexuality and it's the most act as far as i'm concerned it's the most accurate representation i've shown it to a bunch of people

i've shown to gay people and whatever it's my own it'll be in a science book one day the rosen chart the rosen chart of sexuality yes it's a it it i could describe it to you it's very easy to describe yeah it's an xy axis you know just think of your regular standard X-Y math class, sixth grade. We're all here. You can graph it out on the TI-83. We're good. So on the Y axis, which is up, that's the vertical one. That is how sexual you are.

So how sexually driven towards another person that you are. And on the X axis, left left to right it's men and women so a lot of people right now kind of say like well i'm bisexual i'm straight but there's like degrees of straight you know what i mean there's like i'm straight and a rapist like i'm really straight like i really want sex i cannot wait to solidify what you just said to make it seem like ben what are you attracted to yeah i'm straight and i rape like whoa yeah this is me there's like somebody who's like i love women and i'm so sexual it's all the way at the top of the y-axis i need to fuck girl it's a problem yeah and then there's like you know some guys out there like well okay i i really like women i exclusively like women but i'm not like

like a like a sex fiend you know i'll take it or leave it you know i like sex but you know i'm not you know whatever there's some people who are like you know what i'm really attracted to women but i could also like fool around with guys but i'd really like girls but i'm really sexual you know you could plot yourself on that graph there's the asexual line the no sex line and i'll put it just for visual sake it's the zero on the y not and it can go into the negatives you know what i mean there are some people who are asexual to the to the t of the definition where they're dead center you know uh right in the middle between men and women equally not sexually attracted to literally anything at all there's no physical attraction there's no physical attraction when you see it or like you know

they don't find people like you know pretty or you know just like it's just people right um but then there's varying degrees of like do you masturbate do you some people do some people don't you know that's why there's like there's degrees to this so i have to like spell that all out with somebody before i'm like okay and i'm right here here's where i am yeah i'm below the sex line above the masturbation line right and it's on the women's side. Gotcha. So I'm like negative three. You want to plot it? Yeah.

Which one comes first? It's XY, right? Yes. So then I would be like. Yeah, I think so. So let's call it 10. You guys are talking about science. 10 negative three.

10 negative three is where you'd plot me on that graph. 10 negative three. Okay. That's the name of my first and second album. Wow. 10 negative three. Nice. Nice. I'm just going to keep the same graph. 10 negative three. Okay. That's the name of my first and second album. Wow. Nice. Nice.

I'm just going to keep the same name. Yeah. Nice. Should. Well, that's, I mean, that's really interesting, man. Yeah. I mean, it's great that you know all that about yourself and like aren't living a lie. Yeah.

It's awesome. I need to because I get a lot of questions about it that I just, you know, would like to answer as the best I can to people. Yeah. I want people to understand it because it's so frustrating when you don't know it's a thing and you're asexual from firsthand it's really really really frustrating and really painful and scary yeah especially if you run into people like come on you gotta be attracted to something i thought maybe i'd take like a viagra or something and then like just knock one out and then i'm like no i love

this and i'm you know i did it and i know what i'm doing science yeah but it's just more just like i'd get like three minutes into sex i'm just like can we stop man this guy makes it three minutes doesn't even like it goes through jesus yeah it was the worst three minutes ever uh so what do you think of the like the future you're just totally cool with like yeah i'll just kind of be on my own my plan yeah you want to hear for we're ready for a creepy plan i got a creepy plan i didn't tell you about mike uh i've told you all my creepy plans i know so much about his creepy plans that'll be your fourth album creepy creepy plans 10 negative four yep or three damn it i already i guess i'd have to anyway we'll fix it in post yeah 10 negative three um negative four yeah i think my plan the safest bet that i have is to

just like continue being in the comedy industry continue to do stand-up for a while you know kind of i want to have success in stand-up i want to be allowed to come into shows and just stop and do sets and stuff like that um yeah pop in and be just known as like a comic and you know be in the community yeah um but i think it would be fun if i could also you know build up uh you know enough of a like retirement nest egg off the the the business side make my money on the business and then kind of like have a place like buy a place and then rent it out to other comics at a really cheap rate artist commune like an artist commune like a monastery for like comics who just can't afford right like rent in the city and stuff and have like yeah like the dream would be like what i'm really working towards is like getting one with like 10 rooms like a real world shit so and then just have like a rotating cast of comics in there and

just like wow you know just like whoever wants to if you want to pay like 200 a month or something like that or 300 a month do what you can i can. I was like, recently, you know P. Plot L, right? Yeah. Yeah. Used to live around here and now he's a New York guy. He told me that Amy Schumer put out this random thing where she's like, I'm going away for the summer. Who's a female comic in New York looking for a place to stay?

Yeah. And like all these like girls just like sent emails to this account and actually Sarah Armore lived in Amy Schumer's house. That's so cool. Yeah. For free. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it was so funny too because she's like one of those people who's like just put it out to the universe but you know if you want something put it out to the universe and you know people are making fun of her and then she's living rent free in new york in fucking

amy schumer's apartment well like i don't want to be i don't want to be alone just because i don't like sex doesn't mean that i want to just like a cave somewhere right right because you like just like a bag full of dead cats just like all right this is my house but i've stayed with him and it is the least lonely existence ever you have fun in your place i do have fun he's such a one of the sweetest things ever i know what you're gonna say i was staying at his apartment in brooklyn and it was like 5 a.m like we stayed up yeah we stayed up late and i i'd go into my room or the guest room and he says and i don't think he could tell anybody could hear him but just goes well bedtime for all and i'm just like that guy's figured it out. He's got the life. Well, I guess it's bedtime.

We've had our fun for the evening. Right. Yeah. That's going to be the ad for my future commune, comic commune. It pains me that there's so many funny people that just don't have, like comedy is not, I don't know if you guys know this. I mean, you obviously don't because you have a podcast, but nobody actually likes comedy. Yeah.

Besides us. Yeah. You know, nobody does. Not a single one of us like comedy uh but but no we we like it but just people don't and it's not like well like to the extent that we do like where you could talk about it like the extent where it should be like a thing where people like where it actually people can be successful and like do a job and like be comics yeah like so that's a big problem and it pains me to see such talented and funny people right not be able to like yeah like live in an apartment with like water i'm like they're like yeah the electricity goes on and off there's rats here it's like dude you're paying like 700 a month and like you don't even know like enough to eat yeah your kitchen's

like three feet wide yeah and like i'm lucky lucky enough to have a job that pays me like a normal human. And I get the best of both worlds. It's funny. If you ever want to feel great, just feel like you're making it, get a regular entry-level job and then hang out with comics for a while. They'll make you feel like a billionaire. They're like, oh, you make $35,000 a year? Were you some kind of wizard? How did you do it?

Did you eat a sandwich? It was the Rockefeller. Oh, this guy can afford breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Right. It's like so, it's like that's not, it's a great amount of money, but come on, we can do, we could make more than $35,000. Come on, everyone. Not with comedy.

You don't know. No. With a regular job, you can make $35,000. It's hard to get jobs. I get it. It's tough. But I lucked into one. You can, too.

The Ben Rosen story. Yeah, luck into a job somewhere. I lucked into one, and so can you. Just lie. Why are you not lying? Fake it till you make it, baby. You know, does anybody ever checked what college you actually went to when you tell them what college you went to? No, there's a diploma on the wall.

I just printed that out. I didn't even notice that. Of course. I had to point it out. You could have told me you went to Emory, Princeton, whatever. I did go to Emory, Princeton, whatever. My dad was an alum. At Emory, Princeton, whatever?

Yeah, so I got in. I was a... Yeah, they're not gonna call just learn learn a few of the buildings at Princeton just like just google that shit

like a local dorms I stayed at this place I took these classes with this professor right yeah that was a great place

for local restaurants actually you know where I really ate I ate over here and all of a sudden you have a degree from Princeton you did it

you didn't even need to go and it you didn't even need to go and congratulations you didn't even need to get all that debt you know right right exactly well ben this has been awesome man thank you so much for having me yeah on the podcast i will recommend you to chili's oh please do i have my fingers crossed for chili's too chili's too but you know yeah the one that drive the drive-thru, right? Yeah. So if I could get the big one, that... You're making my day, man. At Chili's 2. Are they just a quicker tweeter

than Chili's? Just really fast. Yeah. But the account's not verified. The account's not verified at all. Chili's is like, hey guys, we got a great special on the molten lava cake. And Chili's 2 is like, cake now, come! Yeah, please. They're tweeting go get follow for follow every help every tweet just ends with get get it's just the same tweet but get

please go on get get uh okay so where besides chili's uh how are we gonna find you on the on the internet ben oh that's a good question. I, so I have my Twitter handle. It's just Rosen. Smart. Can I give you guys, I've done this at a podcast before. This is my little special treat. Oh boy.

Anybody who's, and you know, followed the whole way through. There's a secret to Twitter that if you want, uh, I want to handle that you can't access right now. Maybe there's a handle that nobody's tweeting from that you really want, but like someone took it. Yeah.

You can contact literally anybody who works at twitter doing any job and they can switch you into that handle if it's like not being used if it's quote-unquote inactive right there's like 11 tweets 11 2009 or something so i used to be ben rose in comedy as we talked about it yeah yeah well i mean with twitter you have to end up doing that stuff because yeah that your names are taken all kinds of things yeah i was at ben rosen comedy and then uh i met somebody who worked at twitter and i said hey man i i noticed that at rosen is not being used do you think you can switch me into that and he was like yeah no problem man and so he like the next day i was at rosen nice yeah and talk about talk about luck lucking into some stuff when i worked at BuzzFeed,

I talked to the guy who was responsible for getting verifications for people, and I got verified through BuzzFeed. Wow. And now that I don't work at BuzzFeed, my bio just says stand-up comedian verified. That looks good. Yeah. I'm a verified stand-up, because that's how I earned it. Yep.

There's like people on TV every night who are not verified comedians, and then there's me. You made it, man tv every night who do not have or not verified comedians and then there's me you made it man you're at the top of twitter so dumb you did it yeah congratulations so that's that's what you need to know so at rosen and then ben rosen.com and then yeah ben rosen i think it's just rosen comedy.com oh rosen comedy.com is the the ceo of compact yeah i was googling earlier. That old fuck. And I was like, Ben's doing great. He's ruining my SEO.

Look at him. Look at him. Okay, awesome. And then the website that you're working for again? Is Viral Nova. Viralnova.com. Yeah, we're hoping to appeal to some youngins. Yeah?

Yeah. I'm trying to hire a lot more comics, too. So if you guys do blogs and you live in New York City, let me know. I'll send you an app application. This is like the early stage. I'll send you an app. It's Kayak. It's the app for Kayak. I'm sponsored by Kayak. You can get flights real cheap. Kayak.com. Kayak.com.

You just keep repeating that. Well, thank you, man. Thanks for coming by. Mr. Fonazza, what would you like to plug? Purge 2. I'm not in it. I haven't seen it i like the concept uh-huh saracen friday night lights is in it oh is he good for him yeah he's finally doing big things good for him no um real quick real quick sorry on the on friday night lights i told my girlfriend

amanda that riggins might be in true detective 2. And she goes, I love Tim Riggins. But I like that we've all said a lot. We're not going to learn his real name. Some of us do, but Riggins is Riggins. Fuck the kid from Battleship. I only want to know Tim Riggins. It's Don, right? His real name?

Don Riggins. Call back to a joke that got cut out. Oh, man. No, it's in there. Good times. It's in the blooper edition. Last time I was here, I said I don't have Twitter. Just joined it three weeks ago.

Mike's killing it on Twitter, too. I know. You haven't favorited one of my tweets. No, but I know that you're killing it. You got Chili's to follow you. Yeah, I've got three verified people. One of them sitting right here following me. That's the benchmark, man.

Chili's. I haven't seen any of your tweets. You, Hal Sparks, and Chili's are my famous followers. Who has time to look at their feed? I guess I follow people back, so my feed's just up. I'd say you got like thousands probably going on there. I'm going to follow you, Rose. I might already follow you.

I think we follow each other. We'll check. Okay, yeah. What's going to make that happen? Can you get me verified, man? Yeah, no, I can't. I quit that job. Okay, cool, man. I know nobody now. Why did I have you on this podcast? I wanted to get verified. I can get your web series up on BuzzFeed, though.

Great. Thank you, man. I appreciate that. My web series is actually called Josh Katerna Gets Verified on Twitter. Hopefully that'll take off. Fingers crossed. Synergy. But yeah, you're on Twitter because I made you get a Twitter off. Yeah. That'll take off. Fingers crossed. Synergy. But yeah, you're on Twitter because I made you get a Twitter account. Yeah, you did make me get a Twitter account. Oh, you were the one?

You were the catalyst? I was. I was. You talked me into taping my sets, Ben, but you didn't talk me into joining Twitter. Yeah, I quit Twitter the next day. It's old. Yeah, ThatMikeFanazzo on Twitter.

And I have an album on ThatMikeFanazzo.com. I have the most sweat stains. Sweaty. See, I try to pass something, we get nothing but pit stains. Oh, my God. I ask the tough questions. Make them sweat. That's why I wore a tank top today.

I've never sweat this much. Really? Yeah. Welcome back to Baltimore, hun. Oh, man. Yeah. ThatMikeFanazzo.com. I have an album.

It's a dollar hey now and it's one of those things where you can donate more if you want to so yeah it's just it's a good album it's a good album it's a good album dozens of people have enjoyed it i've enjoyed it and i'm verified you said after every sentence you too you know i like this, and I'm verified. It's actually funny. You two are the first people to hear my album. You're always the first person I send shit to when I finish it. Because he always gives really good editing notes and stuff. Yeah.

Nice. That's for anyone. We recorded it. Yeah. And it's in my brain for weeks on end. I'm sorry. But, yeah, so there's that. And then also you and I

are doing shows in August. Let's plug that. What do we got going on? We got Magoo Abbey's joke house. What? Yeah. That's right.

August 14th through the 16th. I'll be there 15th and 16th because the 14th is a new talent. Oh, that was a shitty way

for me to find out I'm hosting new talent. Well, actually, you know what? I'm on the new talent show. No, well, Andrew said he's like, oh, you know what? I'm on the New Talent show. No. Well, Andrew said he's like, oh, it'll probably only be four shows because Mike.

It's not on the website. It's not? No. What, the New Talent? Like, I'm on Thursday, but New Talent's not listed on Mugumi's website. I check to see if I have to do New Talent because I hate doing it. Oh, really? It's funny because Andrew said Fonazo likes doing the New Talents.

He doesn't know me at all. As long as that checks cash, I don't care what he thinks I like. But yeah, that's what he said. He's like, oh, it'll only be four shows because Fonazo likes doing those. But if that's not happening... He is insane. It'll be 14th through the 16th. You're hosting, I'm featuring

for Bobby Slayton. Should be great shows. So come out to those and then this show will come out to those and then this show will come out after but we're also going to be in Virginia at the Alamo Drafthouse and since this happened already

we killed it. Nailed it. Did great. Crushed it. Couldn't have done better. The two hour. This came out, this is in the past now.

Yeah. It's in the past. It was the best show we've ever had. I would love it if you had one of those situations where like a Dan Ninen moment since this podcast was recorded.

Like you're plugging a show and then people can like this will be an evidence. Or it was like a famous story like Great White, like the venue burned down during the show. Oh, yeah. It was like this big tragedy. I know. We'd be all sarcastic. Killed it. No, we did great.

I fucking lit the room on fire. Yeah, we knocked it out of the park. We had the two-hour car ride each way that night. It was really fun. That was something, huh? Yeah. We had to stop and get gas. Yeah, we stopped at Wawa probably.

Oh, yeah. Girl. Yeah. You really know how to turn me on. What a plug for a show that already happened. Yeah, we killed it. But yeah, come to Mugubi. See Mike possibly on Thursday.

I might be there. Maybe. I don't know. I mean, I'll be there on Thursday. Regardless. Yeah. We'll see what level of happiness I'm at. Yeah.

If I'm doing my time, which I enjoy doing. Do you want to plot it on my graph? Yeah. 10-10? Yeah. You said 10-10. 2-20? Yeah.

As far as in asexual terms, I don't like new talent. But you masturbate to it occasionally? Yeah. You're above the masturbation line. Yeah. Perfect. I do go and knock one out to some shitty open mic or bombing with jokes about The Wire. Nice.

And three comics later, I went to different comics telling the same jokes. And then with 20 comics later and the same when a different comics telling the same jokes and then with 20 comics later and the show's still going on i want to hang myself and i'm doing auto erotic asphyxiation and the wits end saloon you know good note to go out on thanks for can we add the one uh winchester alamo draft yeah big little of course of course i'm sorry uh no thank you for coming by, man. I'm glad you were here because Ben and I don't know each other that well,

but we would have worked it out, but I'm glad. It was funny that this came about because Ben's one of my best friends and you're one of my best friends and when you told me he was going to be on the podcast, I was just like,

let me hang out with you too. You can't exist without me. That doesn't make sense. There is no Rosen or Katerna without me. But yeah, thank you. Thank you to both of you and thank you to everybody

that listened, right? Yeah, you guys are so great. You got it. Yeah, shout out to Chili's. Follow me. My Twitter handle is at Chili's. Now I'm at Better Robot Josh.

Fingers crossed on getting verified. Hoping that happens. Follow the podcast at DigSeshPod. DigressionSessions sessions.com digression sessions.com slash calendar for live dates uh including stand-up and improv and all that stuff and check out thunder grunt.com for our uh our network our family of uh podcasts and uh thanks for listening guys we love josh just turned into an ad i did i did anyway guys click on me double click to get

free hotels entourage sucks thanks everybody i'm straight and a rapist it's all good i'm straight and a rapist like i'm really straight i'm straight and a rapist I'm straight and a rapist Like I'm really straight