The Digression Sessions - Ep. 13 Poopy Pants! w/ Jenn Tisdale

Episode Date: November 28, 2011

Heyyyyy nowwwwwwww Digheads! We are back! And the first lady of the podcast, Jenn Tisdale, oh my god she's back again! Too! Listen up as Mike Moran and Jenn Tisdale regale each other with pant pooping stories. See if you can tell when Josh Kuderna was the most disgusted! FYI poop talk starts at about 52 minutes into the cast, digheads. Mike Moran tells one of the most epic pants pooping stories of all time. Topics: Michael Ian Black, roasts, the Aflecks, 80s movies, Weekend at River Phoenix's, drug experimentation, Mel Keller and the FAP Cast, menstrual cups, improv, passive feminism, and of course Jenn and Mike talking about the many times that they pooped their respective pants.  Don't forget to rate us 5 stars and write a nice review on the Itunes! Please! For all things Jenn Tisdale - http://www.facebook.com/JennTisdaleComedyBronze http://www.facebook.com/pages/Digression-Sessions-Podcast/143386225753595 @michaelmoran10 @Jkuderna

I'm a little bit excited about him, courtesy, but don't be like, yeah, we fucking loved him. We did fucking love him. You were relieved that he wasn't terrible, and that's enough, alright? I want to start here and, oh yeah, we fucking loved Mike Moran. Fuck that guy. He's never had it so good. I want to hear this shit about, oh, great, great, my favorite comedian I ever saw.

No. I'm your favorite comedian. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Mike Moran is serviceable. Don't tell me you was great. I don't want to hear this shit.

I want to start off with conflict tonight. This was supposed to be a fun night. And then you're throwing my brain in my face. He came off the stage and I was like, you did a great job. You did it, you know what I mean? Oh shit. Uh oh. Getting props from the man. Yep. Uh-oh. Getting props from the man. Yep.

Michael Ian Black. Yep. The man in black. You must have been feeling pretty good about that one, Michael Moran. I was and am. Yeah, it was extremely flattering. And my ego has gotten extremely large. I know. You could barely fit has gotten extremely large. I know.

You could barely fit in the door tonight. I know. I know. I said, come on. What is that? An ego? Right. That's what I said.

Do you remember when I said that? Yeah, like 22 minutes ago. Yeah. To be exact. Yeah. That was. But congratulations. Thank you.

Thank you. We, dickheads, we have not had a chance to talk about Michael Moran's great success opening for the questionable homosexual that is Michael Ian Black. Right. He says he's married. He's also a comedian. Oh. Really? Yeah, that's not the only thing he has.

I thought he just goes up there and just has some, just is masculine. I think homosexuality is like mainstream enough now that it's not that you don't get to be famous. If, if you're maybe gay anymore, you know, maybe, maybe like back in like the 1400s, they'd like put you on display and make you travel around the world and be

like, this person might be attracted to his own sex. We don't know. Right. Right. But no, that's not the case. He goes and he does his standup routines.

Uh huh. Was he funny that night? Yeah. Yeah, he was. Yeah. Not that's not the case. He goes and he does his stand-up routines. Was he funny that night? Yeah, yeah, he was. Not as funny as you, though, obviously. Blew him off the stage. No, he was good. He definitely had the audience on his side the whole time. Accidental break. Accidental break.

And we're back. It's not enough that you interrupted me live. Yep. I had to interrupt you in the future and the past at the same time. Yeah. Wow. Take that.

Huh? Well, yeah, you opened for Michael Ian Black a couple weeks ago, so we hadn't got a chance to talk about it, so I figured I'd say congrats. But we had a chance.

We just didn't. No, we never had a chance, ever. Remember, we said, Mike Stork, do you want to talk about Michael Ian Black? He said, no. I'll cut you if you bring up Michael Ian Black. Did he really? Yeah.

You don't remember that? Do you think he would have acted on that? I don't know. He does carry around a butcher knife. I thought you were just going to say a butcher. He just brings a butcher with him. Yeah. I was in New york i saw norm mcdonald yeah and uh he was good did you talk to him after no there was uh it was a theater theater

situation and uh there were a bunch of people there and so we didn't want to hang out afterwards right i don't even know if norm mcdonald is really the hangout right take pictures afterwards right he was very funny. He's turning into an old prospector. He has, like, gray hair and talks like a weird old guy. Right. Instead of politician, he says politicians. Yeah, he's politicians in that.

Yeah. So what was the overall feel of his show like? It was really good um yeah i i'd never seen norm do stand-up except like old stuff where he's talking about uh homeless people with dogs he's like dog must just be like hey i don't need you here to walk me around right it's like weird norm mcdonald stuff but right that was a good norm mcdonald. Oh, thanks. He was actually really funny. So, yeah, it was good times in New York. I'm sorry I had to miss it, but I'm sure you'll be opening for other luminaries.

I hope so. Actually, you know what? Next time Michael Ian Black comes to town, he'll be opening for you. Wow, it'll be like a Kiss Blue Oyster Cult situation. Exactly like that. You'll be wearing makeup. You'll have, like, 10-inch boots on. You'll be pointing to your watch the whole time.

Pointing to my watch? Basically, when he's on stage, like, wrap it up. Oh, okay. Okay, right. You ambiguous homosexual. Right. Wrap it the fuck up. I can see it now.

But anyways, so I can tell you're thrilled about it. So we'll move on. We'll move on. No, it was awesome. Thank you so much to everybody for coming out and supporting me. It was like probably the greatest night of my career thus far in comedy. Yeah. And it was so awesome.

Thank you, everyone. And thank you, Michael Ian Black, for ranting about me on stage and for being cool. Uh-oh. Not that he's listening. Coming to the podcast with Jason Schwab. This is just like drinking a bottle of wine. Man. Straight from the bottle.

Good. How are you? How are you? You want to hop on the mic? I have a feeling this is going to be a night of, like, sober guy hanging out with trashed people. You know what, Mike? Like, Shut up. It's not even going to be like that, man.

Are you going to give me a drunk inspirational speech? You are so... You are just a good person. Don't let anyone... You just say those obvious things. You know, you're good. Just keep being good. And if you're good...

Because you can't let anyone tell you that you're not good. You be good to the universe. And, like, if you ask. Yeah, it's even worse when they start getting into, like, spirituality drunk. Like, if you ask the universe for something. Just put it out there. It'll totally give it to you. That's how it works, man.

Just put it out there. Yeah, like, I used to think that I wasn't going to be able to open my own small business. And I just told the universe, this is what I want. And two weeks later, I was granted a small loan. I'm sure I squandered it. I'm living in my mom's basement. You guys sound like you're writing a chain letter. Sorry.

You're not exactly being spiritual. It's like, here's what I wanted. And then I sent out five letters. Hello, universe. And I got it back. I've got a Jesus rug I got in the mail. It's awesome. Well, we put out to the universe that we wanted a great female guest.

And Wanda Sykes didn't show up. So Jen Tisdale's here, everybody. Returning guest. You're a black lesbian, aren't you? I'm black enough. I'm black adjacent. Didn't we discuss that she went to my high school? So it's like, it's sort of...

Did she really? Apparently. I feel like that's an urban legend along with the fact that P.M. Dawn maybe went to my high school, which again is like... Where did you go? What is P.M. Dawn?

That sounds like a... Are you kidding me? You don't know who PM Dawn is? He's like 12 years old. PM Dawn was popular when I was in like fifth grade. Christina Applegate. You gotta turn me on.

What? That's like, that's from Set Adrift on Memory Bliss. What? Have you never seen the film Boomerang starring Eddie Murphy and other black actors,

blackters of note? Black luminaries. Not directed by Spike Lee or Tyler Perry. Or Spike Jones. Yeah, it's not a Spike Lee joint. Nope. Get on the boat. You ever smoke a Spike Lee joint?

No. Don't. Yeah? It's probably laced with PCP. It's racist. Why is it that every time I'm here, we're just horribly, horribly racist? And by horribly, I mean just racist. Right.

Because is there a really great racism? Right, yeah. We're just really, really super positively racist. This is like racism, but it's like optimistic good racism. It's like the silver lining of racism. Blacks are inferior, but maybe one day they won't be. Who knows? We're going to talk about the positive stereotypes, for example.

The good parts of racism. The bucket of chicken is half full all right all right guys oh wow oh mad dog 2020 vision wow that's called a before and after oh well jen thanks for coming back to the podcast the last time that i saw you you you also michael moran uh there was a roast here yeah in baltimore of local baltimore comedians and international one international and maybe jim myers crossed the canadian border at some point i don't know maybe he's made a run for the border. Oh.

Are you saying he goes to Taco Bell a lot? Is that what you're saying? I am implying it. Thanks for putting it out there. I just wanted to make sure. Jesus Christ. Sorry. I'm sorry. Do they still say run to the border for Taco Bell? Make a run for the border? I think they're holding

on to the... Make runs? After the border? I think they're holding on to the... Make runs. After the border. I think they're holding on to the fourth meal thing. Right. You know, it's like you have breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and then you get wasted and you want a fucking burrito. Right. They're encouraging you to drive to Taco Bell.

Exactly. Maybe if Taco Bell delivered, we wouldn't have this problem. Why is it only pizza delivers? Who decided that? I mean, why can't you? Haven't you ever had Cluck You Chicken? The greatest chicken. No, never actually.

Speaking of black people again, sorry to bring it back to the black people, but the greatest chicken ever is Cluck You Chicken. Really? Didn't Spike Lee get his film degree at Cluck You? Yeah, probably. I don't think he graduated, duh. He was on a running scholarship. Come on, let's be real. That's true.

Edit all of this out. Wow, we should be the racism session. You should be the regression session. We'll redo the picture for the podcast. Segregation nation. It'll just be Amos and Andyy and i was yeah it's awful it'd be good uh but yeah at this roast i just want to say i felt really terrible for you guys because the roast was for comedian dan lyle yeah guest on this show and he got off pretty easy gas on this show he passed gas and he was

yeah but but you know obviously in the on comedy, and I was going to say traditional roast, but I'm only obviously going off on Comedy Central. Right. Like what you used to do at the Friars Club. Right. You and Dean Martin. Right. Don Rickles.

What were those old-timey roasts like? Were they like, this son of a bitch here? Yeah. Well, those are kind of more fun because you could tell they were friends and stuff like Well, that was the problem with us is that a lot of we didn't all know each other and then at some point every once in a while it would just be like

a slew of inside jokes that the audience was just like, I don't know what's happening. Which is why Tommy Sambazo would be our interpreter. Yeah. Every once in a while

he would go, this guy's a booger. Yeah. He's a comedian. Did he really call someone a booger? A booger. Okay.

That would have been below the belt. That would have been a snotty remark. Chauffeur's probably a booger as well. Thank you for the rim shot. Which, by the way, I wish it was called something else. Thank you. But yeah,

I said great things about, well, great. My jokes were great. I maintain that my jokes are great. I also maintain that they would have been better received. I like that you're taking the strong stance on your jokes. They would have been better received if I was a man, because they were good jokes.

But I heard a lot of from the audience, because I'm up there with my vagina getting sassy. But why did you make so many jokes about your dick? That was the thing that was so confusing. Thank you. Dick is slang for penis.? That was the thing that was so confusing. Thank you. Dick is slang for penis. I'm doing the Tommy Zimbazo.

Tommy Zimbazo. Being that this is a male club. I got it. So anyway. You can't see this at home, but Josh just tried to adjust his microphone to be taller and slammed him in the nose. Can we add a sound effect? Not that anyone can see it, but like... Not that anyone can see us adding it.

I was going to be a bigot. I was going to continue to be a bigot. And I was like, I guess I could stop the bigot train here. No, no, no. Yeah. I mean, if it ain't broke... If it ain't broke, it never happened. Right.

Right. Exactly. But yeah, I was just... I was glad I was not on that stage because really because i thought it was fine i thought it was for me anyway at least yeah nobody had anything worthwhile to say except for one one thing which to me says oh i'm a pretty good comedian because none of you none of you dickheads said anything about my comedy right well. Well. Not one person said anything about my comedy, right? That's true.

Mike, they ragged on your comedy, but I think that was some sour grapes. I didn't rag on your comedy. I just ragged on your economic status that I don't even know about. I just assumed. I actually have really good credit. I know that. And this is where we insert a commercial for free credit with a terrible jingle yeah by the way uh not to go all the way back to the beginning but listening to that michael

liam black thing i had like a very uh being john malkovich feel he said your name like a thousand times i know it's awesome i was like malkovich malkovich malkovich malkovich malkovich malkovich there's some more breasts in the house. Oh, don't say that about Jason. Jason is trying to work out. Do not come at me. I already made fun of him in that respect. Hi.

Hey, guys. Okay. Really? Thank you. What kind of food? Melanie Keller. Hi. That's Jen Tisner.

Killer. Melanie the Killer. Melanie the Killer. At the roast. Oh, yeah. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. At the roast. Melanie the Killer. At the roast in which everyone learned I was a whore. They were like, that whore. And I'm like, eh. Yeah, yeah.

Mel has a great podcast for whores or feminists. Jesus Christ. What's it called? The Fabcast. The Fabcast, yes. Everybody check out the Fabcast. But not the FUPA? No, no. The FUPAcast is thecast. But not the Fupa? No, no.

The Fupa cast is the sister cast. What was that? Thank you very much. That's what I was like. I don't perform. What I don't want to say is like, sorry, like, oh, Jen, it's radio. You pretend you have a baby. It's radio, Jen.

Right. I don't have to pretend. It's really radio. I have one. I just don't hang out with it. All right. Well, hi, guys. I don't know your name, but nice to meet you.

Hey, Kaylee. Hey, Kaylee. Thanks for coming in the right. Well, hi, guys. I don't know your name, but nice to meet you. Hey, Kaylee. Thanks for coming in the basement. Hey, Kaylee. Kaylee seemed excited about the FUPA podcast, so we might get together. All right. Yeah. Discuss that option.

Digheads. Check out the FUPA podcast. FUPA heads. Digheads. The FUPA. The FUPA. The FUPA podcast. Oh, I like that. Ta-da.

Or the FOPOD, which is a fake iPod. Suckers. No? Too much? Too deep? Yeah. That's too deep. If it's made of foopas, then I think we can do that.

You have to see it written out. Faux pod. Right. What about King Foopa? Like King Koopa? I like that. And then it like steals the princess somehow. Yeah.

It just steals her fupa. What? A fupa stealing another fupa? That sounds a little cannibalistic. I'm tired of this fupa. We've digressed. The digression session has just sort of digressed. From what?

I don't know. What were we talking about? I'm tired of this fupa on fupa crime. Bigotry? Yeah. Bigotry. Sorry. It's hard to get lower than bigotry, but somehow we found that spot.

Yeah. And it's above the pussy. We should start like a... I don't want to be a bigot, but I want to be classy pussy. We should start like a tree growing campaign called Big A Tree. Ooh, I like that. I like that. What do we dig a tree or plant a tree, though, for?

Like when somebody does something extremely racist, we'll plant a tree? Yeah. Right. Okay. We're going to be planting a lot of trees. Yeah. I'm exhausted at the thought of it. Just in my own mind.

Right. I like it. Every five minutes, I'm like, I got to go plant another tree. We can narrow the definition of racism. Ooh. Okay. What are you thinking? Like, maybe just for people that are, like, 14% Mongolian and the rest.

I hate those goddamn Mongolians with their Mongolian noses breathing up all my white man air. They do have big noses. Oh, my God. There's one thing I know about Mongolians. It's they have great food. For sure, too. I heard that's because Genghis Khan murdered everyone who's taller than him. I'm pretty sure that's what it was.

Well, according to Bill and Ted, he loved Twinkies. Right. Big sugar fan. Right, right. And they were pretty historically accurate in that film. You know they're making the third Bill and Ted? Can you pass me? I've already, I know about, Mike, please.

Sorry. Please. I already know about it. They're making a brand new trilogy. I feel like whenever you guys get together ring together it's like 80s movie talk recap yeah well it's not 80s movie talk recap well I did you know what I had an 80s movie recap with Jason via text recently he was like Jason who's not here briefly came downstairs drinking wine directly from the bottle classy man he was like, Jason, who's not here right now, who briefly came downstairs drinking wine directly from the bottle. Classy man.

He was like, have you seen Explorers recently? I was like, have I seen Explorers? I've never seen Explorers. What? Who's in Explorers? Starring a young Ethan Hawke and a young, not dead River Phoenix. And they just drive Ford Explorers everywhere? I've seen like the DVD box.

No, basically what happens is they all start getting these, like, they have these dreams and they're getting fed these, like, these schematics. And they build a little spaceship made out of a tilt-a-whirl. Might I add my favorite part about it. Where'd they get a tilt-a-whirl from? From a junkyard where everyone, from the amusement park. Yeah, Mike, Jesus Christ. Safety last. How did these boys carry a tilt-a-whirl?

It was, like, had wheels on it, so they wheeled it down the street and then they built a little rocket ship out of it. It's a great movie. Look, River Phoenix is in it and he's not dead. That's all you need to know. What movies is he in dead?

The Sixth Sense. Weekend at River Phoenix's. Nice. Return of the Living Phoenix. I don't know. Oh, yeah. It's weird that Joaquin Phoenix is his brother. You ever notice that Joaquin Phoenix has a weird shoulder?

It's like one's higher than the other. It's like chilling. I kind of have that a little bit sometimes. Maybe the weird thing on his lip is heavier. You know, they're brothers. There's a girl, too. There's a sister. She's got a weird name, too, because their parents were hippies.

That makes sense. She's married to somebody. She's like, oh, Casey Affleck. Casey Affleck is her husband. That's why they did that River Phoenix documentary. Casey Affleck is her husband. That's why they did that River Phoenix documentary. Casey Affleck is married to River Phoenix and Joaquin Phoenix's sister. Why do I know that?

Casey Affleck is Ben Affleck's little brother. And he was in Good Will and Good. I no longer care. Have you seen Gone Baby Gone? I loved Gone Baby Gone. It's very good. Is that with Michelle Monaghan? It's very good. Is that her name? It's very good. Is that with Michelle Monaghan?

It's very good. Is that her name? It's very good. From Kiss Kiss Bang Bang? Yeah, but Gone Baby Gone is very good, except there's one really corny part. They're basically looking for a kidnapped child, and they go to this drug dealer. I feel like the really corny part is the title of the film. Well, that's... Sounds very, like, 90s post-pulp fiction.

Well, that comes into play. It's not very pulp fiction-y, but they go to this drug dealer named Cheese, and they think Cheese kidnapped this kid. Oh, that big to think blow out of there. Yeah, and he's all like, I didn't kidnap her, blah, blah, blah. And then he goes, if you haven't found her, I bet she's gone, baby, gone. That's like when you listen to a song and you finally figure out where they got the title from and you're like, oh, that line. Yeah.

And I hate it in movies when they try to shoo in the title like that. I'd say she's gone, baby, gone. Right. What's another example of that? Batman. The Breakfast Club? It's Batman. He returns. Sincerely, The Breakfast Club. Yeah, yeah. Sincerely, The Breakfast Club? It's Batman. He returns.

Sincerely, The Breakfast Club. Yeah, yeah. Sincerely, The Breakfast Club. Hot Tub Time Machine did a nice wink to it. And I don't know if you guys saw that. No, I didn't. I loved Hot Tub Time Machine. It was actually pretty good.

I loved it. It made me want to do massive amounts of cocaine. It was depressing. Everything makes you want to do massive amounts of cocaine. You were saying that when I told you there was no toilet paper in the bathroom as well. It was depressing. Everything makes you want to do massive amounts of cocaine. You were saying that when I told you there was no toilet paper in the bathroom as well. It's true. Yeah.

But they just say, like, they realize it's a time machine, this hot tub. And then Craig Robinson looks in the camera. He goes, it must be some sort of hot tub. Hot machine. But then that's like tongue in cheek, so that's acceptable. Yeah. That's acceptable. Terminator. If we realize that, it's silly. Do then that's like tongue in cheek, so that's acceptable. Yeah. That's acceptable. Terminator. If we realize that, it's silly.

Do you remember when they did it in Terminator 2? They said, that guy's a Terminator. Well, they're like, Terminator 2. Judgment day. They're like, that guy's a Terminator. And before they could say it, some guy went, as well. They were like, cut, cut. Now the line is two.

No, man. No. Also, god damn it. What about when they title sequels, they spell out two, like T-W-O? Isn't that stupid? Name nine examples. There's something out now that does that. There's something I've seen commercials for.

Is it Happy Feet? Very possibly. Very possibly. I think that might be true. You know what's funny is that I made a Break into Electric Boogaloo reference. Yeah, I saw that. What was it? It was Thanksgiving Food Day 2 Electric boogaloo reference yeah I saw that what was it Thanksgiving food day to electric boogaloo very good very good speaking of the I've never

seen either once again bring it I'd be scared to see the second one if the first one I see pieces of it you have to be good enough to have this or break in 3d because there should be. No, but fun fact. Not really. You can edit this part out. I feel like we need a fun fact theme. Step up 3D. Right. The star of that film is the son of a guy whose brother was my mother's high school sweetheart.

So there could have been a chance that that kid could have been my cousin. He's beautiful. All right. So I'm glad that we're not related. Good story, Tisdale. Uh-huh. Is that it? Let's get him on the line.

Should we call him out? What about when someone tells you that, like, that guy looks just like this guy that my brother used to know? You know what I mean? Like, when people will be like, that guy looks a whole lot like my aunt's boyfriend. Yeah. Doesn't matter to me. Your aunt's boyfriend's hideous. Sorry, sir. Phillip is not hideous phil up be funny if his first name was phil and his last name was up and what about

what is his middle name so let's talk about your improv tonight okay is this now is this welcome to improv tonight i'm mike moran That's my house band over there. Co-Cheese and the Cheese Bombs. Hit me. This is the group that you are now in, Josh, and that you maybe want me to audition for? No. No, we're not at that level yet. Jesus Christ.

I know you're a woman, but you are stupid. You are so stupid. Just in case you thought your uterus made you smarter, guess what? Go like conservative talk show host. You should put your eggs back in there. Maybe guess what? Go like conservative talk show host. You should put your eggs back in there. Maybe that'll help. Go Tom Likas.

What if I tried to save them every time? I just got to save them. I don't want to age. So you just have a bunch of menstrual blood. Yeah, just try to catch it in a cup. Wow. Someone proved to me today that asexual reproduction exists. Not to gross you guys out, there's actually a form of menstruals

that's like a little cup. And you put it in your vagina. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You put it where? You put it in your vagina. You put it in your ear. Why did you point to your press when you did that?

I went like this. It was down here. Sorry, I'm wearing all black. You probably thought I was way high. I was down low. Too slow. That's how deep Jen's vagina goes. It's really, it's got a lot of...

Roomie. deep thoughts. Cavernous. With my vagina. Deep thoughts with my vagina. Look at Spelunking. Save that for the Fabcast. Fupa. Spelunking the Fupa. Episode 9. Check it out. So anyway, what were we

saying about that? The improv thing. You did not, are not a part of this improv. Well, he did not perform not a part of this improv well he did not perform with his troops i know he didn't perform but you auditioned and are in the way group well yeah baltimore improv group is like a collective right but you probably have subsets just like the groundlings because i have when i lived in la i went to see the groundlings all the time and i would see different groups that i liked a lot yeah there's different troops that are comprised yeah there's and when i am i still out to audition absolutely now when i audition am i just as like a general

audition and if somebody likes me they'll pick me for their team uh yeah what happens at the auditions you just come out and have fun i freeze i freeze sometimes on it's weird like i'm good at like well that's why we should like have some kind of workshop or something. We'll just continue to talk about it without following through. We're going to have an. Excuse me. How about that? But I've been busy sleeping.

Just not enough time in the day. So, yeah, we can do an improv jam together, you guys. Yeah. I'm free. What is it? Like, this is going to sound ridiculous and maybe not actually. How does one practice for improv? Because obviously improv is something that is.

Well, you get together and you practice improvising. And you practice different games and different ways of performing. And do you know all the terms? Like, I know things like long form. I don't know what that means. And herald and mer. I don't know. Yeah, most of them.

You have a great attitude for wanting to join an improv troupe. You're so blasé. I'll tell you why. I know long form. No, no. Because I started to do it once a long time ago when I first went to college. And I didn't immediately excel at it so of course i threw it no one no one does well i didn't know that at the time i was

only 19 except mike moran that kid whoo yeah i actually did do pretty well with it from the beginning mike moran is serviceable i'm also really selfish and i know like the big theme of improv is giving the joke away and i'm like why would I want to do that? That's not the big What if I have a really funny joke? Somebody else be funny if I'm well, I think the yeah I mean there is like my problems that I will always think my joke is funnier than everybody else's cuz they do stand-up and I'm used to being all right. No, I

Don't think I do like your acts when you do that either Yeah for now What's that character called again Greta miss kitty? Right. No, I don't think there's any. I do like your act when you do that. You go, meow, meow, meow. Yeah, for an hour and a half. What's that character called again? Greta? Miss Kitty? Meow, meow, meow. No, it's Beaker. This is Greta the Kitty.

I want to work on a character that's going to be the passive feminist. Right. Like, I'm equal and you should respect me, but if you don't want to, that's fine. I want to work on the over apologetic rapist Oh, I'm really sorry is this gonna work for you? No, okay? Do you feel really good right now absolutely not still not my problem. I'm gonna work on the positive racist Oh Yeah, the affirmative racist like affirmative affirmative action but the racist it's affirmative affirmative racist action yeah right which is basically what affirmative action is anyway it's

racist it is very sorry we had to cut out the middleman just then and bring that to light everybody anyway back to improv enough about affirmative action how does that improv work about how we're to get murdered after this podcast airs. No, we're tapping into a new audience. Yes. Actually. Deep South. Southern Maryland.

Yeah. We're trying to reach those guys. Germany, circa 1938. This is an international podcast. We have several downloads in Germany. I don't know how it happened. It was me. It was you.

Somehow. I think there's a famous Jen Tisdale in Europe. There's a famous Jen Tisdale, Ashley Tisdale's sister is named Jen Tisdale. Who's Ashley Tisdale? The chick from High School Musical. I bought my sister a High School Musical card the other day for her birthday just because it looked really funny and cheesy. I mean, my sister's like, you know, not a child child but i thought it was a funny card but not yet a woman no she's older than me okay she's she's pretty old you're older than me as well no she's older

than you oh my god that's pretty old so like you're bragging about your sister at this point i hope she at least has children like little kids are point My dad's he's very cool. My dad's beat your dad up. I just know you could Seriously, yeah, good. No, my dad has a great job. Yeah, that's a karate instructor. He has a big truck Does he own the Cobra Kai? Dojo by any chance and he's a partner in the ownership. Does he regularly suggest that you sweep the leg? Just regularly. Sweep the kitchen and sweep the leg, Mike! Yeah, Josh, I was going to...

I have a fun joke about condoms and the karate kids. Step, step, step. All right, let's hear it. We've got to take a break. Let's get some music for that. All right, let's take a break. Let's take a break and then we'll hear this joke. And then we'll do the condom joke.

I think you should beatbox along with that. Oh, yeah. And we're back. And we are back. Next time you should play some PM Dawn so you know what's up. PM Dawn sounds like a Vin Diesel movie. You'll know it when you hear it. I feel like you'll know that.

I feel like they heavily sampled a song that had only come out a few years prior. They sampled Crowded House, I think. And wasn't that like six years before them? You can't like sample a song when it's going to be your whole song when it just came out. Yeah, well. You know what I mean? No, I'm with you. That's how it ends, I guess.

Wasn't that like the... Yeah, this is the way it goes, I guess. And I'm like, oh, okay. It's all conjecture. I guess. This song is all... We throw it up in the air. We don't know.

Okay, you ready for the joke? Do you have some music? Do you have some kind of music? Oh, but it's not going to be like joke, joke. But basically, it was a joke I used only a couple times where I talk about the awkwardness of making a guy use a condom. So I've resorted to using Karate Kid lines. So at some point I'll just go, put it in a body bag, Johnny.

Even if his name's not Johnny. I like it. Just like, put your penis in a body bag. Do you feel that that. The condom will kill it every time. Does that encourage you to date men named Johnny? No. I don't date.

Men named Johnny? No, no don't date men named Johnny. I just don't date. There was a period there. She said, I don't date. I just don't date. Period. I'm not really good at it. Right. Not good at it.

No. What's the matter? Thanks for setting me up with your friend. Just kidding. Hey, shout out. Sorry. I'm probably going to be a terrible person to date I'm just not you know

I don't really I don't really like date people Either like I end up with people But I don't like Hey you want to go to the movies sometimes Yeah I've never been like you know Picked up and taken somewhere I'm normally like banging somebody on the first

I wish this was I don't care how this makes me look It's just the way it is. I guess. Throwback. That was called a throwback, y'all. Yeah. I'm going to sing while you say what you're about to say. Lonely.

Guys. Anyway. No, I just... I don't know. Jen, you were going on About what a whore you are Sorry You know Why is that whorish Why is that whorish To decide

Why is it whorish To decide that you Want to have sex With somebody I don't know Why don't you bring it up On me I've already decided

That I want to have sex With everybody That I possibly can Do you really Kind of Does that include Minorities Have you ever wanted

To have sex with someone That we might know How about comedians Yeah of course How about ladies I want to have sex With hot that we might know? How about comedians? Yeah, of course. I want to have sex with hot girls all the time. I'm the hottest girl I know. Oh my God, Mike, do you want to? Have sex with myself?

Of course I do. No. What about lady comics we might know? Is that bad? Sure. Should we not throw this out on the podcast? Why would I? Yeah.

Lady comics is like. Guys want to have sex with every hot girl. Yeah, lady comics. Yeah, but now you're running on the assumption that there are hot lady comics. There are. I just want to say that lady comics is my favorite pop musician. Yeah, right? That's all.

That's all. I just wanted to say. That'll be the next big thing. Lady comics. Have like a Spider-Man theme. Right, right. Maybe. We'll just Hulk out.

Garfield costumes on stage. Swearing like the blazer with the big shoulder pads. I had a dream that I saw. You did? What? I don't get it. That's a character Jen's working on. It's the overzealous listener.

Okay, just tell me all of it. What? I don't get it. That's a character Jen's working on. It's the overzealous listener. Okay, just tell me all of it. What? Just everything. Everything! Is everything. Go ahead, Mike. What am I talking about? I have no idea.

You had a dream, Martin. Oh, yeah, yeah. I had a dream that Motley Crue were wearing black Batman costumes on stage. And that was like their new persona. Like that was their new like era. I love Motley Crue. Did we talk about that? I think we talked about this last time.

Did I say the same thing? Reading their biography. No. We talked about like I read The Dirt. The Dirt. Yeah. Yeah. And then Nikki Sixx.

You have to read Vince Neal's. It is so embarrassing. It's so bad. Yeah. Does it chronicle his weight gain? No. No. Nobody ever mentions that too. It's so bad. Does it chronicle his weight gain? No, nobody ever mentions that. It's weird. You can't be a rock star and a big fat guy. Just like, what was

that joke I made about Tommy Zambazo? You were just fished out of the river after three days of bloating. Seriously, that's hype. That was a good one. But you have to read Vince Neal's. It is so stupid. It's the most insulting like self insulting

Autobiography even the part where you're like remember that time I got off for murder like he yeah I can't they have the interview like other people in his life And they just say all these really embarrassing things about him apparently just a total dope Oh, he seems that way like what you just brought up when he got when he killed those people in that car accident, right? That's why they're behind the music is great. It's fun. It's like, Oh,

there was a time we snorted ants. And then Vince Neil, right. Fucking killed people in his car. And you're like, what? Like he's still drinks and drugs. Like he had a DUI recently.

Yeah. And then like his daughter died of cancer. Yeah. And like, he has her name tattooed on him. And now he's like, i will say that was the only genuinely respectable part of that autobiography he's like he really did like put a lot into taking care of his daughter and he really loved her a lot and that was like the

only genuine and that's what i thought too and that's kind of a joke that's i think is that where the behind the music kind of ends with him and it kind of talks about i believe are they still doing the reunion no this is like the old one yeah this is like a decade old of that because they i there was talk about like vh1 bringing back pop-up video i know they did they did you know i think they do actually have behind the music no i'm i'm sure they just started behind the music again they have an usher they did one on little wayne a year ago yeah okay that's not that's not music that's behind the um bullshit i mean i just those are not musical artists there's an awesome documentary of little wayne the carter why do people have documentaries when they're a too young and be like still actively like oh it's like that's like

having a where are they now for someone who's still releasing albums like why we know where they why is like retrospect necessary for a documentary why can't can it be like a current well i think i think what jen's trying to say it's kind of like an autobiography at that point but it doesn't have to be an auto you're in your what your your 30s maybe a little bit he's like 25 in that documentary even worse like but why but it's why documentary can be current i mean it doesn't have to be like uh it can be but it's touted as like a you know like a look back at look back at what the first 25 years of your life i love that there is a documentary though because when he's he's addicted to uh like what is it cough syrup yeah

yeah no he's addicted to cough syrup it's so is he really like robo tripping it's so uh no no the stuff that like has uh some codeine and stuff. It's so funny. He calls it his purple drink. His purple drink? I think he disowned that documentary because it made him look like such an addict. But that was the best part. It was great.

You can disown it all you want. That's your face in the footage. I think he sued to have it stopped. Yeah, but he couldn't. You've got to read the... I think he sued to have it stopped. Yeah, but he couldn't. Too bad you were so hopped up on Cody and you forgot to read the fine print of your documentary, sir. Oh my god.

He's literally the most unattractive person in Hollywood ever. You think so? Well, that's just because you're a racist. That's true. Moving on. That little way, it's great. he's just smoking weed the entire time and just this stuff how the hell do you do that the stuff that comes out of his mouth is so funny because you know what it is people react differently to drugs so for me personally

when i the times i've tried pot which is not a lot all i want to do is like go to bed yeah that's how it may be like paranoid and scared But that's not how everybody is. I know. And I always want everybody else. Some people like sell on it. They're like, it's so life changing. And I'm like,

life changing. Yeah. Yeah. I think it depends how you're feeling in that moment as well. You know, if you're in a good mood and then you smoke pot. I haven't smoked in a while, but yeah,

I got to that same point too. I was never, I liked, um, again, we've already brought this up. I like to cook a lot. I've always liked to cook. Really? I've never tried it. I've never done I liked, again, we've already brought this up, I liked Coke a lot. I've always liked cocaine.

Really? I've never tried it. I've never done it either. I never will. I don't put it out of the realm of possibility, but I've never done it. I just wouldn't do it if I were you. Like, it's just never, don't start that. Right.

Yeah, that doesn't seem like it. Also, double negatives, use those. That's the cocaine talking people. Never don't, no, not. Okay? Just give it to me. That's all. Yeah, don't you do it just give it to me that's all yeah don't you do it like the thing about coke is uh it's great for like a few hours and then you're up for more than a few hours and you can't

sleep and you're anxious and you want to kill yourself so what would be different for me exactly yeah um yeah my both my parents were addicts so really like really yeah my mom's a drug addict yeah oh that's why we're all so funny we've gotten to the root of it you guys here it comes my parents aren't and weren't pay attention to us oh well well they were but i've never had that thing like i you know i like an alcoholic beverage now and, but I've never had that thing. Like, you know, I like an alcoholic beverage now and again, but I've never been to that point. I'm like, it's fucking, it's Tuesday at 10 o'clock. Let's get wasted, guys. No, I've never been like that. Although I do, like, binge.

Like, I do drink. When I'm drinking, I drink. I like 10. Are you shitting me? Don't you do bad things? Sorry, this daylight savings time is fucking me up. Sorry, guys. Hey, y'all.

Hey, hey. It's been dark for 10 guys. Hey, y'all. Hey. It's been dark for 10 hours. Hey, y'all. That's crazy. The cocaine thing, I've heard from people that the first time you do cocaine, the only thought in your head is, let's do more cocaine. That's it. That's the only thing you want is to do more. I burn

it off so quickly. I have friends who do a lie in an hour, and I'm doing one every 10 10 minutes and i'm like what's wrong with you guys wow i'm picturing that like what the fuck why don't you guys want to do more lines you're like sweating you have a lobster bib on for some reason like the great outdoors like i'm like doing the 96er and i'm like come on you guys I'm like shaking You're in charge of a girl What the fuck guys Earn your cocaine badge We're scared

That's funny I've smoked some marijuanas and I've done mushrooms a couple times. Oh, I loved mushrooms back in the day. Really? Yeah. That's one of those things that you're scared of before you do it, but then when you do them, you're like, I need to do this all the time. Really?

But then I had a bad trip. Oh, see. Yeah. That was scary. That'll do it. Were you in a bad mood beforehand? Yeah, I remember being kind of sick, not feeling very well, kind of having a cold or something. Well, that'll do it. Were you in a bad mood beforehand? Yeah, I remember being kind of sick, like not feeling very well, kind of having a cold or something. That'll do it.

The doctor was like, I was going to prescribe some NyQuil, but I think mushrooms will really knock this right out of you. That was Dr. Little Wayne, though. Yeah. Drank this purple drink. Purple drink. Smell some whey. I don't know whey thing. It was the first time I ate mushrooms. It was me and my ex-girlfriend in high school.

She's a whore. Total fucking bitch. Oh, my God. Thought so. And we ate mushrooms and nothing happened. Like, we went to my house, we ate and we're hanging out. And a few hours go by nothing's happening and then we're like all right well fuck this i guess we'll just go to bed so we're going

we go to bed and then i start to have the craziest dreams i've ever had like i you know at carnivals or wherever where there's like lights around like a sign like a marquee well i was on like a path with those lights i was going like a path with those lights I was going like around stuff and the lights are changing colors the lights were becoming like purple and I was like like going around and then I kind of woke up as a little weird I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I go to the bathroom and I turn on the light and I start giggling I'm like oh like and i was like all right maybe i'm just kind of like drowsy and then i look at the sink and i look at the faucet and the faucet's not on then i look at

the mirror and then i start laughing then i look back at the faucet the faucet was on and then it's off but i never touched it and i just go oh so i go back i go back into my room and the light's on and my girlfriend at the time she wakes up and i'm like are you are you are you feeling anything and she's like i think so because i watched your drum set float away and she goes all i thought was that was expensive nice that's the thing like i feel like that never Really happened for me When people tell stories Like that I didn't hallucinate Like that

I never hallucinated I just felt great I felt good But then I freaked out I remember getting Very scared The first time we did it We were on a dark

Golf course I was scared And I was scared Of creepy things I was terrified Like ghosty things Yeah Well that happened to us too

We went on We went on my roof We were like Well let's go outside. Then we're looking at the stars. The stars were amazing. The stars were moving. I saw two trees hug. It was great.

It was hippie. And I was talking to my house. My house was alive at the time and stuff like that. And all of a sudden, we hear this huge noise on the fence at the house across from us. And we're like, oh, maybe a bunny ran into it. A giant bunny. Yeah, exactly. That's how we think. We're like, it, maybe like a bunny ran into it. A giant bunny? Yeah, exactly.

That's how we think. We're like, it must have been a bunny. It was just a bunny. It was a dark crystal. That was a deep cut. Exactly. Go ahead.

I've never seen that either. Oh my God. And then it happened at the garage door. We're on top of my garage at this point. And then like something slams into the garage. And to this day, I don't know if we both hallucinated the same thing. And then we just went inside.

It was probably one of you slamming into the garage. Maybe it was just like something quiet that was just amplified in your state. Yeah, but we were on top of the garage. So there's no way that we would have hit the garage door. Yeah, but what if something blew into it or something? Exactly. Yeah, something like that. But then we went inside and we woke my mom up just kind of trying to be casual.

That'll do it. Yeah, we were like 17. Meanwhile, your pupils. You woke your mom up? Yeah. of trying to be casual. That'll do it. Yeah, we were like 17. I was like, let's wake my mom up. You woke your mom up? Yeah. Oh, man. Your eyes are black. Bad eyes.

You're like, hey, mom. Yeah, exactly. I think she kind of knew, but I don't think she knew to the extent. She just thought we smoked weed. What was your excuse for waking her up? Because we were terrified. We were just like, what the fuck was that? We were tripping.

Oh, so you were like, there's something outside? Exactly. Like, well, this is the first time we've ever hallucinated. I don't know how long this is going to last. I don't know what's reality. So we wake my mom up, and then she's like, huh? And then, like, looks at us, and then I think she kind of realizes what's going on. It's like, all right, well, I'll hang out with you guys.

And we go downstairs. We're watching TV. Oh, my God. You went and got your mom. Yeah. And she was fine with it. I don't know how. Or maybe she was just up. But, yeah, I think either way, we're went and got your mom. Yeah. And she was fine with it. I don't know how, or maybe she was just up.

But yeah, I think either way, we're hanging out with my mom. And then we go downstairs and we're watching TV. And Chris Rock was on. It was his Never Scared stand up. I just remember Chris. Ironically. Chris, exactly. Chris Rock's face was contorting and all these shapes.

You know how he's very anime-like? And then the woman's there. But his face is like this. It's like making it into triangles. It's like, ah! Chris Rock is freaking me out. I used to do ecstasy a lot when I lived in Los Angeles. This was the early 2000s.

Right, right. Kept over from the 90s. And my family came to visit me. You have a chemical brother, don't you? I. And my family came to visit me. You have a chemical brother, don't you? I do. My family came to visit me. We went to Universal Studios. I was sober. My grandmother was there too, weirdly. And we went on this ride. It was an ET ride.

And you actually got on these fake little bikes. It was like a fake little ET and then you rode through it. And that was that. And then I went out with my friends that night and I did a bunch of ecstasy and we went to this club. And there was this moment where I was like a fake little et and then you rode through it and that was that and then i went out with my friends that night and did a bunch of ecstasy and we went to this club and there was this moment where i was like sitting next to my friend and i kept seeing et in this mirror in front of us and i was having this whole conversation with her about it and then i turned to her because i thought we were going to go somewhere else and i said so are we going to go

to this other bar later and she goes what are you talking about and i was like we've been talking about going she goes you haven't moved for 20 minutes and i was like who is i talking to wow in my head i used to get like what if we're hallucinating right now and our lives are not what we think they are well i have to take a shit that's pretty real that's a sign of the mushrooms let's see if we can read something to make sure we're not in a dream right now oh yeah that's right you can't read and you can't tell time right that's the way that you could tell the light switch too light switch yeah well at least according to waking life the film you if you uh if you flip a light switch on and off it shouldn't affect the light michael mor, let me ask you this. Do you try to do the lucid dreaming?

I have before with really fantastic results, and I want to get back in the habit of it. Because it's a lot of fun. When you don't do drugs, it's a good time. That's when you have fun, kids. Dare to have good dreams. There's that. The more you know.

How about you, Jen Tisdale? You get lucid with them dreams? Getting lucid up in here. I don't really. I'm obviously a good self-aware. I'd be awesome if you did that in your dream. Get lucid in this bitch. And you fly away.

Obviously, I feel like that's the ideal lucid dream scenario, right? It's to be like, wait, I'm dreaming. And then you fly. And then you fly. And you to be like, wait, I'm dreaming, and then you fly. And then you fly, yeah. And you're just like, hey, what am I waiting for? You're Southern all of a sudden. Yeah, well. Yes, finally.

You fly away in overalls. Whenever I would dream and fly, I would never fly, fly. I would run and then sort of fly, but then like touch down and run and then fly again like that was my metaphor flying yeah very hard to like completely break the laws of physics consistent flying in my dream it's just like my body or my mind was still aware again of like like yeah it's very hard to like break the rules when you're so used to it because then you just wake up to the moment you're like oh i'm dreaming well i tell you something i have i kind of forget in my sleep before i've shit my pants and what's in your sleep and it happened in real

life just like in a night i've shit my pants while asleep and i woke up and it was like i've done that a few times in drunkenness not necessarily you were at work and you just no no no it's the thing that happens when I sleep. There's just something about me. Like, I'm closely tied to fecal. Fecal matters. Right. Yeah, no, we all suspected that about you. I have a lot of, like, shitting my pants stories. I have a few good ones.

In my adult. Can we take a break and then come back with these shitting stories? Shit pants stories, yeah. I think we should tease this. Sure. Okay. Scat talk. And we're back.

Scat chat. Scat chat. Scat chat. Hi, I'm Carl. I'm Carl. I'm Carl Scat man returns Scat man, this is a serious matter. It's a fecal matter.

Fecal matters, you guys. Welcome to Lido Pizza. What is a fecal matter to you? That was the original working title of Family Matters, and then they were like, hold on, it's about black people. Is this going to be okay? Can I say something real quick before you guys get to your poop stories? Sure. I worked at Lido Pizza as a young'un when I was a teenager,

and my dad was a general manager. And when we had to request off, we had request off slips. We had to put the date, and you had to list why you were asking off. And the reason why, I put, it's a fecal matter. And my dad was so pissed. You were like, it never gets old.

And when it does, it's easy to pick up. Did he ever reprimand you in front of his employees just to show that he wasn't scared to punish his own son? Yeah, to destroy all nepotism. He was probably harder on you. That's how it goes, right? You're always harder on your own. So that everybody understands that there's no nepotism. Yeah, I don't know why you had to spit.

So he was like shitting on your face. Exactly. I don't know why I had to spit in my he was like shitting on your face. Exactly. I don't know why I had to spit in my face in front of customers. He was like, fecal matters. How's this for a fecal matter? You're the boss, Dad. By the way, I don't want to eat at Lido's ever again. That's cool.

But yeah, he was pissed. He suspended me for like a day. Really? Yeah. Oh, wow. I get a day off work. Exactly. That's tough, Dad.

But he's like, if you were were anybody else I would have fired you You're like why aren't you that's what I'm trying to do What's the big deal it doesn't seem like that I know I said dad quit being so shitty Heyo I'm having a crappy day But he was actually pretty cool One time I was cutting a pizza I would hope so at Lido's Pizza

One time How were you doing there I was cutting a pizza and i was talking to my dad and then like i drooled just accidentally right in the pizza and we had this moment where he just paused and he's like as the manager and as the worker i was just like oh no he's like i'm gonna pretend i didn't see that because we were like we were like really busy and it would meanwhile those customers died long ago from some crazy disease that was dormant in your saliva. They had HPV before they got that veggies lover.

Okay. All right. They were HOV. DJ. What was it? DJ Dysentery. DJ Dysentery. MC Dysentery.

Dysentery Josh. So the typhoid Mary. Getting shitty on these tracks. Put it on the wax Alright let's wrap this up I'll poop on your backs Are we telling these stories? Jason walks into the basement

Let's wrap it up Would you like to say a few words Jason? I'd rather not from Jason Could you say that into the microphone? Would you rather not say some words? What's the status of that wine bottle? Are you done? Jason, no one can hear you.

We can. I can hear him. Yeah, but we don't. Are we really not going to tell our shitting pants story? No, we can tell our shitting pants story. I got really excited. You go first. Let's take a break.

And we're back. Jesus. Our breaks are really fast. yep let's take a break Mike come on it's not the first time somebody's pointed out how fast your your brakes are double tap you should have saved Ellen for the roast double tap to the table you should have saved that one for the roast. Double tapped the table for you. You should have saved that one for the roast. I thought of no less than 20 roast jokes post-roast. It's just like that thing where you're frozen and then you're like, fuck, man, I should have said this.

Did you guys ever see Norm MacDonald when he did that roast? You're obsessed with Norm MacDonald. I am. I love Norm MacDonald. Josh, we didn't see Norm MacDonald. All of his jokes were so cheesy. He goes, yeah, there's Susie Essman. She's a vegetarian.

Yeah, that was brilliant, man. He was doing, like, the worst jokes. She's a vegetarian, but I find that hard to believe because she's full of bologna. The crowd's just like, boo. Did they eat it up, Josh? I remember watching that roast, and, like, it started as, like, what is he doing? And by the end, we were all just, like, rolling with laughter. Well, you figured out that it was, yeah, that he was being, I remember watching that roast and like it started as like what is he doing and by the end we were all you figured out that It was yeah that he was being I remember that one. Yeah, I was dying laughing

Yeah Anyway speaking of dying you guys shit your pants. Yeah. Yeah All right, let's wrap first you want me to first you can go first Okay, you have to do one story. So pick your best. All right. Well, okay. This is my best only one I've got a couple. Sorry, we're on a time crunch. It's true. Uh-oh.

I was going to a meeting of a certain 12-step program, and I got there early, and I guess I had, like, drank too much coffee in the morning or something. That's weird, because the 12-steppers don't normally drink a lot of coffee. Yeah, I know. That is weird. This was a 12- because the 12-steppers don't normally drink a lot of coffee. Yeah, I know. It is weird. This was 12 step-by-steppers, right? It was for the show Step-by-Step. Or maybe for New Kids on the Block, the song Step-by-Step.

Sorry, I'm a girl. Go ahead. You should be sorry. You should have been born a boy. I'm so glad you finally apologized. Oh, wow. It's like China down here. It's so... You're feeling about my femininity. Are those feet bound under that table? Yeah.

That's Japan. That's Japan dick back. Oh, they're all the same. It doesn't matter. Yeah. Just throw her in the woods and forget about her. Finish it up, brown eye. So, okay.

So, I'm at this meeting and I got there early. Finish it up, brown eye. And this guy's setting up and like, I'm talking to him. I don't know him. And like, I'm just like you know just talking about stupid anonymous right I seriously don't know who the hell this guy is and whatnot you know and he's like in the little kitchen area and I'm like in the hallway like talking to him and I guess I go to fart

and I just like and I'm wearing like the middle of summer. I'm wearing like, like light tan shorts. Hold on. Time out. Just one, one question. Does it make a noise? No, nothing that he heard. I don't remember. It fell in a forest, Josh.

But it was, it was like, I mean, it was like a dump truck. Mike Moran shits his pants in the woods. Doesn't make a sound. So this guy has his back towards me. I've got maybe a third of a second to react here. It's all over. I look down to see how much is on the actual floor. What?

With one foot, I swipe it and smear it as much as I possibly can, and I start heading towards the restroom. Hold on. And I hear, hey, where are you going? Let's break this down. As far as shitting your pants stories, we're at like DEFCON 5. Yeah. Whatever is the worst.

You asked for my worst, and this is my worst. You're wearing shorts. Right. No underwear either. I was going through a phase where I wasn't wearing underwear. If this was in a movie, nobody would believe it. This would be in an Adam Sandler movie. He shit his pants, and it fell on the floor.

This actually happened. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. This is the one true story that that I actually considered telling on stage besides I've told my shit man stories on stage So I So I smear what I can across the floor so that it

You know disappears somewhat and I hear like I stop you right there as well Now is there just a shit rainbow on the floor? A shit rainbow. I smeared it sufficiently so that it wasn't too obvious, I think. So most of it's just on the bottom of your shoe. So it was a solid shit because you can't really. No, it was liquid. The majority of the damage was on me. I'm just trying to figure out.

All right. Let me finish. All right. Let me finish. Can I finish? Can I finish? Can I finish? Can I finish?

Can I finish? Can I finish? Ross, bro? Can I finish? Can I finish? So I smear it, and I start heading towards the restroom, and I hear like, hey, where are you going? And I'm like, oh, I don't feel well or something. It automatically kicks in that I'm sick, and that's how I'm going to justify this whole thing. Defense mechanism. I make it to the restroom, and I get in the stall,

and I assess the damage, and it's bad. It's like brown streak. It's really bad. Are we talking shorts? On both sides. Very light tan shorts. No underwear. Very, very visible. No underwear.

Trail of shame everywhere. Wow. So I, of course, do the first thing thing Which is you get the toilet paper And you clean off your legs Because it's all over the fucking place Probably down to my socks So I clean that off and I take the shorts off me And I'm looking and I'm like oh my god

And I'm thinking like I got my cell phone Should I like call someone Oh and also I don't know like A friend Call a friend and get them to bring me Ghost get them to shit myself somebody crossed the streams So I ghost I did that and then I and and okay So also the stuff that I had like my disc man in my book with me or something disc man

Yeah, I was like walk to the meeting way to date yourself. It was like maybe three four years This was three or okay, maybe four, four years ago. Do you think? This was three or four. Okay, maybe four or five years ago. This was ten years ago. I shit all over my Razor scooter. I was pissed. Yeah, my limp is conceded. My Sony Walkman will never be the same. I ruined my best pog slammer.

I was so pissed. Nice. Sorry, I'm not that young. Okay, so I. Your story is so much longer than I like. Well, let me finish. All right. All right, so I like Well let me finish Alright so I like

My stuff is like In the meeting room which is like a separate room What is your stuff? I just had a couple things with me that I already said in there Discman, book Maybe I don't know whatever I had with me And I The book is how not to shit yourself in public

For dummies Not shitting yourself for dummies Yourself in Public for Dummies. Not shitting yourself for dummies. Toilet training for dummies. If only I had read past the introduction, none of this would have happened. So I'm freaking out. I don't know what to do. People are filing into the meeting. I can hear them coming in.

And I'm like, I don't know what the hell to do. Somehow I decide to take the risk to leave the stall completely pantsless and bare from the shirt down, because I'm not wearing underwear, to go to the sink and spray off my pants at least. So I do that, and fortunately no one walks in, which I'm very grateful for. I think I decided at that point that if anyone walked in, I was going to tell them that I vomited on myself, and that's why I was cleaning my shorts. I vomited on the inside of my pants. Vomited with my asshole.

Right, yeah. I essentially did. You just opened your pants. What I decided was it would look better to completely douse my shorts with water and have them soaking wet than to. You could have just gone home. I don't think you would. No, no, no. He's got to escape.

Did you ever think, I'll just say I pissed myself? Does that seem like a viable option at this point? Well, the thing was, the water wasn't going to get rid of that brown streak. I mean, it was like too, it was stained. Good point. It was a stain. Okay. And so, and I knew this, so I'm like trying to figure it out.

And I'm just kind of thinking, I'm going to say I vomited on myself somehow. Like I got ill and I puked. On my butthole. Yeah. somehow like i got ill and i puked on my butthole yeah but i so i i leave the bathroom and there's all these people everywhere i smell i'm very obviously uh covered in shit i um i just file through all these people i walk into the meeting room and grab my stuff someone says hi to me i say hi i'm sick and i just march out and i and somebody else stops me no and oh yeah yeah and i say i just got sick i have to leave and i had to walk all the way home through hopkins this was yeah so i got

out of there but now i have to walk all the way home you walked the middle of the day through through a busy campus and everyone's gonna know that I smell and that there's a huge streak on my pants. So what I do is I take my glasses off so I can't see anyone. And I crank up my Discman so I can't hear anyone. And I just walk home. I just love the word Discman. I haven't heard it in so long. Each time you say it, it's like a little gift.

I'm like, Discman? Okay. So you just ended up in Towson. I'm like, Discman? Okay. So you just ended up in Towson. I'm like, thanks, Steve Jobs. Well, I live here now. I'm going to start a new life. I'm going to occupy this particular area. Right.

Discman and I will make it on our own. That's right. Wow. You guys are going to starship it together. Did you ever think for a second maybe just to like pass it off like on somebody else but who shit themselves it stinks in here i gotta go like the great thing about farming in public like make it seem like somebody else did it uh well they well what if they look down and saw my tan shorts that were brown point over there several places that guy in the corner

now this this was like so painfully obvious. It was horrible. Did you go to the meeting the next week? Same people? Same bat time. I went back. I didn't really care. Same shark channel. It was something where immediately I was like, okay, no one's ever going to hear about this.

And then very shortly it became a very popular story for me to tell. You don't admit it next week? Hi, I'm Mike. I shit my pants last week. Hi, Mike. Mike. I shit my pants last week. Hi, Mike. Yeah. Wow. I have to say that is one of the most epic shit stories.

That's a good one. That's probably the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me. Right. That's the most embarrassing. Well, as far as, well, potentially embarrassing. I mean, I've had worse. Like, in my drinking, I definitely had some really bad stuff. Well, I feel like an AA meeting is kind of a good spot

to do it where people are very accepting. But the thing is, they'd probably be like, what is he on drugs? Exactly. That's what I'm picturing. There's always that suspicion. Like, I wouldn't shit myself because I took too much Klonopin, so I understand. It was from Mexico. Totally

unpredictable Klonopin. Totally unpredictable. Montezuma is a Klonopin. Totally unpredictable Klonopin, you guys. Klonopin's revenge. It's called Crazy Dave's Klonopin. Crazy Larry. Jason, do you remember Crazy Larry's? Say yes. Okay.

It's radio. Back in Mexico where you're from. Yeah. Oh, Kent where you're from. Yeah. Oh, Can Island. Can Island. Jason said yes for the record. I'm familiar with Can Island. All right.

So that was an epic shit story that probably can't be topped. Jen, what's your shit story? You know what? Mine can't really top that because if I combined two shit stories, it could. So I'm trying to figure out which of my. Stack them up, sister. I've got like four shit stories. Uh so i'm trying to figure out which stack them up sister which i've got like four shit stories but um uh-oh all right are we there all right one just happened wednesday night i shit my pants on it really um i shit my pants on wednesday night okay thanks turkey

turkey eve hold on mike do you mind if we go through all four stories? No, no, no. They're too long. Are they? I will say that the first one that happened was I was living in Los Angeles. And it's really easy to go on unemployment when you're in California, which is probably why they're so horribly economically in the fucking red. And so I was on unemployment. And you could look in the city paper. Or it's called the LA Weekly. and i'm sure they have them here and it's like one of those ads where it's like are you depressed and then you do like you know like a study you do as you're shitting your pants i'm pretty depressed this is pretty depressing are you impressed about shitting

your pants we signed up we signed up for one of these studies it was a double-blinded study and the options were um paxil which is an antidepressant, Ativan, which is like Valium, and then, of course, a placebo. And I sort of freaked out about getting, like, I didn't want to take anything. And, like, there's a double-blind, so you can, like, break open the capsule to figure out what it is. And we figured out that my friend Anna, we did it together, she got the Ativan. So I was like, what am I? What's Anna's last name? Lotto. Yeah. Believe it or together. She got the Ativan. What's Anna's last name? Lotto.

Believe it or not. She didn't shit herself, did she? She hit the lotto. I was like, well, I'm sure they didn't give me the same bag from the same thing. So I either have the placebo or the Paxil, and I didn't want to take it. But we had to go in and check in all the time. So the first time we went in, I freaked out. I was like, what if they take a sample of something?

So I took like six pills at once to try to get it into my system. I go. All they do is make me fill out something. I was like, this is so lame. We're driving home, and my stomach does this thing. And I was like, oh. I was like, that's a new thing. What was this thing?

A rumble? It was like, you know, there is no Dana. Yeah, that is disturbing when your stomach starts making noises that you're not familiar with. There is no Dana, there's only Zool. And I drop Anna off. She's like, do you want to come in? I'm like, no, I'll make it. Except there was construction on Sunset Boulevard that day,

and so I was wearing jeans. I shit my pants in my car in my jeans and went all the way down my leg. Can I stop you there? What is that moment when you're like, this is happening? There was no moment because it happened so fast. Like one minute I was fine. The next minute my entire like anus just was like, you know. It just leaked out.

Like it went everywhere wow when i got back to my apartment i like hobbled in to where i lived and i was like standing in my tub and i called my mother and she was like are you gonna save the genes why and i was like you and josh are like good with the inappropriate parent you know i used to call my mother on Coke. It'd be, like, 5 in the morning. I'd be like, I hope you never die. And she'd be like, are you on Coke right now? I'd be like, yes.

Anyway, she's used to it. At least she'd call me. Can we call her right now? She's in Italy right now, so we can't. Oh, jet setter. So I, like, peeled the pants off and, like, threw them away. And I was just covered in shit but but like similar to your story was like the other story where i was running i went i'm from from crofton

and we have like this circular area called the crofton parkway and i had shorts on and i went running and like again the stomach thing out of nowhere so i veered off into the woods. And before I could even break the plane, I had shit myself all down my legs. I had no socks on. I had three miles left to go. I had to walk home with my legs covered in shit. You didn't wipe them off at all? I couldn't. I had nothing to wipe them off with.

I had to use my hand. I couldn't do it. There was nothing. Leaves. They just roll around on the ground people would pull over and ask me if i was okay because i was covered in shit and what do you what do you oh my god what do you say to that i'm great i was like i slipped in the mud i was like i was like please go just please drive please keep driving like for so for three miles i was

like stumbling running home and covered did you still run and shit did they think that you had fallen in the mud no there was no mud it was just me it was like clearly shit it was clearly shit it was shit that's what they think and i get home and my mother's like what happened and i'm like really there's only a few moments in a person's life right where you can go what happened and not truly know what happened. Wow. Or she was probably specifically asking about what led up to this happening. I was like, I ran through a shit sprinkler.

Somebody stabbed a colostomy bag right in front of me. That's it. I'm riding in the city. Somebody take down those shit sprinklers. A deer shot one at me. Yours is better, but. Yours is better, but. But, but. But but but mud yours is a better butt story but yours is a better story about a bot star okay shitting my pants all right well i have never

shit myself oh shut up the night is young my friend that's true i did just turn 25 recently. Wow, 25, huh? Maybe it's all downhill from here. Jesus Christ. I was probably 25 when that story happened. Really? Probably. I was like 23 and then 24 and 25. I have another fairly good one.

Lost a good pair of shorts last Wednesday. R.I.P. You can hold on to them. I'm sure they make other shorts that say boot. Yeah, you can put them through the machine. Why don't you just get another pair that says bootylicious? Actually, they said Bubba's on the back. So you were close.

Oh, wow. It's not too far off. Only a few letters, really. Yeah, really. Mike, you were going to say you had a recent shitting yourself? No, this wasn't a recent one, but I have another fairly decent one to tell. Do you want me to? I feel bad.

We're making our guests wait upstairs. We're already in shit time. All right. We'll tell this story, and then we're going to wrap it up. It's weird that we both have had so many shitting events. Okay. Well, this one, I was working at the moon one night, and I... The end.

I think I got into the habit, I think, of drinking a lot of coffee before I left and eating something The end. I think I got into the habit of drinking a lot of coffee before I left and eating something after a shift. This was back in the days when it was super busy and you couldn't really eat at work. The Paper Moon Diner. And I think I just would chug coffee before I leave and I'd usually shove some food into my mouth

and I'd leave at midnight. I probably wouldn't leave the place until like 12.30, 12.45. And I think my body was attuned to going home and taking a dump. And then I'd take the dog out. And this night, I believe, I had to throw up a video off. That's your nickname for masturbating,

though, right? Take the dog out? I thought it was like, that was your shit nickname. You let the dogs out. Mike's sitting on the can. Hoo! Hoo!

Hoo! Hoo! The logs out. There you go. Jinx. But anyway, on the can who the logs out but anyway I think I think what happened was I strayed from my normal course of events and I went to drop a DVD off the video story so I did that so my body's timing was all off and as i'm walking uh up my block at like one in the morning um i i just like gotta go i just don't know what to do like it is coming and it is coming quick and it is coming now and it's liquid it's not solid and so i i i think i just i was like oh my god i don't know what to do and i think it was weird like i've never i've never

experienced this before or since, but I actually let it go. At some point, you just let it go. It's over. You give in to it. There is a failsafe after that, believe it or not, and that's pinching everything together. I pinch my butthole

all the time. Mostly fart related things. I had to pinch my entire body. My legs had to go. Oh no, everything. You had to put all your effort. The floodgate was open, No, I had to pinch my entire body. My legs had to go. Oh, no, everything. You had to put all your effort. Right. Yeah, I put 100% into keeping. The floodgate was open, but we were working hard. Moses was part of your Red Sea.

Right. I'm picturing a fainting goat situation. You're just tensing up. You just fall over. Yeah, exactly. And so my legs are pinned together because they have to be, but I still have a few more blocks to walk. So I'm walking, and because I'm concerned about what drivers in the middle of the night think about me i pretend that i've hurt my leg i've done that and i'm holding my leg walking i've done that when i've had to shit so bad that like when i'm running outside i like drag my leg behind me because i'm so tense

right i'm trying yeah like so there has to be a reason for why I'm walking this way. So I'm pretending to hold my leg and I'm making faces like oh god my leg. And then so I really didn't want to. So what I did was I got to my place. I had to walk all the way around my block to the back

of the apartment and take a dump in the backyard. I did that behind a church once. And fortunately it rained heavily the next day. Prince of Peace ironically. Oh and one time I take a dump in the backyard. I did that behind a church once. Fortunately, it rained heavily the next day. Prince of Peace, ironically. One time I took a dump behind what used to be the Blockbuster in that shopping center on 41st. Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

By the old Super Fresh. Not so super. I think the fact that you two have found each other is amazing. I know. Your fecal other is amazing. I know. I think it's destiny. Your fecal parallels are amazing. It is.

The universe works like that sometimes. It gives you messages. Did you think you'd ever discover something? It's like, I had to shit so bad, so I pretended I was dragging my leg. And it's like, me too. Yeah, me too. I have done it. I can see this developing.

You have no idea how much energy it takes. It's a full body effort at that point not to shit yourself. You're so tense. All you can think of is, if I can just get through this. And it's like, life will be perfect. I would never

be ungrateful for any other moment ever if I can just get through this. I will have a new lease on life. I completely changed after that moment. And you're here yep you're here to tell the tale the gent is dale all right let's wrap this up yeah somebody's got a poop all right let's take a break and we'll be right back to wrap this shit up And we're back. We're wrapping it the hell up. All right, guys.

Well, I think we shared some good stories. Drug-related, poop-related, and racism. That's a good mix. Only highbrow here at the Big Sesh. Another fantastic Big Sesh Hope this is not the one my mom decides to listen to Do you think your mom will listen to this? I've warned her that she probably won't like it

Because it's pretty explicit You don't think your mom has shit her pants before? I don't know It's possible It's genetic Every time I bring up the word podcast around my dad He he just looks at me like I just mentioned a unicorn. Right, yeah. He's like, what was that on the VCR?

Yeah, it's like a radio show. What was that, a pog? And he's like, what do you mean? It's radio. Like that. He doesn't know what radio is. Well, he's just like, I'm on the radio. Like, it's a radio.

What do you mean it's a radio show? Like, let's just talk about something else. You mean that thing that Einstein works with? Or, no, not Einstein. I like the thing my dad is, like, Larry the Cable Guy or something. He doesn't know what a radio is. He knows what the radio is, but. That box is talking.

Send it back to hell. Send it to hell. No, no, no, no. No, but me. The power of Christ compels you. The power of Christ compels you. Yeah. No, no, no.

By the way, it's so late. We're going to a party. There's two parties to go to. Are you sure? It's 1230. Wow. I don't know. We'll find out

if they're still raging. Yeah, dude. We're still partying, guys. Sorry I had to cut this thing so short because we're partying so much. It's a party

like it's 1999. Birth of Thara. Just kidding. No, we're not. Can I get a Diet Coke? Can I get some Diet Coke up my nose? When you were waiting

tables, did you notice that with the college girls? Can I get a Diet Coke up my nose? When you were waiting tables, did you notice that with the college girls? Can I get a Diet Coke? I remember when I first started serving, waiting on tables, these two bitches were so annoying. They asked for a water, a soda, a coffee, and a milkshake. Three beverage people are scary. Yeah, especially when I'm like, you know how long that's going to take? I don't think I've ever had a Forrester.

People don't understand how long it takes to make a goddamn milkshake. Right. Yeah, that's the bane of everyone's existence, too, is to make milkshakes. No, I know. I'm just going to go to the diner soon. Paper Moon Diner. Right. All right, well, we want to wrap this up, guys, so we can go party, do cocaine, and

then subsequently shoot our pants. Jen Tisdale, thank you very much for being on the podcast. Thanks for having me. As usual, come back anytime. I'd have to say Jen Tisdale is the first lady of the podcast. You would have to say that because she is. She is.

First and last. You blew it for the rest of them. Can we please do a prank phone call session soon? No. Sure, I hope Pauly Short's involved. Maybe. But I do think, can we please do a prank phone call session soon? No. All right, cool. Sure, I hope Pauly Short's involved. Maybe. All right.

Yeah. No, but I do want to have you on the podcast regularly as our... I'm going to cry. What's an example? As like our Batgirl. You know, remember on like the old Batman show, like they'd have Batgirl on some episodes, but not all of them. Right. Local Batgirl.

Ooh. Uh-oh. All right. Just keep shitting your pants, and you'll always have a spot on that microphone. Stay fecal. Stay strong. Literally a spot on the microphone. Spot on the pants and a spot on the microphone.

Judd Tisdale, everybody. Mike Moran, do you have any closing words? I would just like to say that you are beautiful no matter what they say. Thanks, Mike. I really pissed off at everybody that's saying that I'm not beautiful. Yeah, I know. I know it's become a problem for you. It really has.

And I'm there for you. Thanks, Mike. Gentisdale, any closing words? Sentiments? I'd love to wrap this up. I have to pee so bad. Uh-huh. And we will get to that just as soon as we bring in our next guest.

Oh, my God. Please, no. We're almost done with this portion of the podcast. Oh, my God. We'll be talking peeing our pants stories next. Also, I would just like to say thanks. Thanks, Dickheads. Anybody that's listening to this. If we have any new international listeners,

I doubt we do. I hope we do. And if we do, I'd like to say ak-tong and ola. Nice. Other YouTube. Nanu nanu. Hello. And no, you can't have our health care.

What if doing that thing when you speak to people of different nationalities, you just speak slower and louder? Mi amo is good day. Wow, second reference to that song tonight, actually. Weird. Dan Lyle started singing that earlier. How are you? That's the end of the podcast, everybody.

Hola, hola, hola. Hello. Chicken. Chicken and rice. Where is the bathroom? That's what Jaden Hissle said, right? Am I right? Because she has to urinate.

I'm a seven-urinate. We're out of here. Oh, yeah. I'm down, down. It's all good. It's all good. It's all good. It's all good. I'm going to get out of here in two and a half hours.

I'm really, really excited to be on this bill. It was weird that they asked me to be on the Michael Leith Live because I have this story that I'll tell real quick. I know this girl named Rachel who's a chef and she's telling me how annoying it is that everybody's like, Oh, Rachel Ray! Your name's Rachel and you're a chef! We got Rachel Ray over here! And I said, that's funny because a lot of people call me Michael Ian Black because my first name's Michael and everyone thinks I'm gay. Alright, I'm going to get the hell out of here. Thank you so much, Audubon. Thank you.

And I love you. Not. Thank you, Red. Yeah!