The Digression Sessions - Ep. 133 - Patton Oswalt! (@PattonOswalt)

Episode Date: September 24, 2014

Follow us on Twitter! @DigSeshPod - For podcast updates @BetterRobotJosh - Josh Kuderna @MichaelMoran10 - Mike Moran @ThatMikeFinazzo - Mike Finazzo @PattonOswalt - Patton Oswalt The Digression Sessions - @BetterRobotJosh & @MichaelMoran10 Wow. Well, somehow Patton Oswalt, yes, Patton Oswalt, was a guest on the Digression Sessions Podcast. Yes, it’s really him. No, it’s not some friend we have who has the same name, or some b.s. like that, it’s the real Patton Oswalt, of King of Queens, Werewolves and Lollipops, and the New Agents of S.H.E.I.L.D., T.V. show. And no it’s not some, “we got him to say two words into the microphone, so technically he was a guest” crap, we actually sat down and did an interview with Patton Oswalt. And the man was cool. Beyond cool. Like, maybe-he-doesn’t-realize-how-famous-he-is, cool. Josh and Mike are, not only eternally grateful for Patton to take the time to do this, but inspired too; Patton Oswalt was incredibly kind, and accommodating, he even thanked us, for the interview and bought the boys spiced pumpkin lattes. Did I mention how cool Patton Oswalt is? Thanks so much Mr. Oswalt, your comedic brilliance is matched by your strong personal character!    

Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey, everybody. I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to the Digression Sessions Podcast, a Baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers. Join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians, writers, musicians, and anyone else we find creative and interesting. Yes. Who's the guest this week?

Patton Oswalt's our guest? No, seriously, who's the guest? Patton Oswalt. You heard of him? You know who that is? Yeah. Yeah, it was just this guy hanging out at a coffee shop. Does he have a following or anything?

I don't know. It might be a new thing we do, just kind of interview just random people. But if you know him, you can do it. We like to give people a shot. Apparently he's been in a few things. He's going to be involved with the new Marvel show, S.H.I.E.L.D. Yeah, you know. Comedians of Comedy.

Yeah, there's that. He's on King of Queens. Yeah, well, I've performed at Chuckle Storm. Right? Yeah, me too. Well, he has a bunch of great stand-up albums. He's pretty prolific. Yeah, well, you know, I've performed at Chuckle Storm. Right? Yeah, me too. I mean, well, he has a bunch of great stand-up albums.

He's pretty prolific. Yeah, yeah. I'd say he's probably like, what, one of the top 20 comedians in America? Probably, yeah. As far as popularity.

Yeah, definitely one of my favorites. Yeah, but let's not forget, I headlined Hightops recently. Yeah, yeah, and I've opened for Bobby Slayton. Yeah, that's true.

So, you know we we all have our things going on we like to give guys like that a shot here at the digression sessions holy fucking shit patten oswald is on the show yeah this is not a lie this is not a drill i don't think it might i might like realize that i'm dreaming or something but i think that's most elaborate prank ever. Patton fucking Oswalt's on the show. I'm sure we have a lot of first-time listeners here. So thank you for listening.

I'm Josh Koderna. I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to The Degression Sessions. Well, let's not ramble too much. Let's just give a little background on how we got Patton on the show. We're a podcast based out of Baltimore, trying to do our thing to get some bigger names on the show. And Patton happened to tweet that he was at a coffee shop in my neighborhood, and he wanted to meet with John Waters. And I said, if you can't meet him, how about me? And luckily, he responded.

And when he responded, I was in the middle of a meeting at work and i said i need to leave right now and that's exactly what i did i called you went home grabbed my mobile rig missed half my workout mike skipped his buys and tries today so it was a big uh you gave up a lot big sacrifice for you today but we sat down with pat oswald who could not have been a nicer guy yeah i cannot believe how accommodating he was yeah and our good friend uh mike finazzo also a very funny comedian sat down with us and uh we all just kind of round robined it and picked his brain on hp lovecraft comedy and it was really cool to hear about how he got started doing kind of shitty one-nighters in the dc

virginia yeah i didn't know that he got his start in this region yeah he's from here from northern virginia so uh dude just could not be the nicest guy. He even bought us lattes. Yeah, and he wouldn't let me pay him. Yeah, well, I think he's making decent coin. Well, maybe after his appearance on this podcast. Yeah, I didn't know he had pumpkin spice latte money. Sure.

Hey, hey, un-fucking-real, man. Unbelievable. This is great. So, I hope everybody enjoys the show. We recorded it in a coffee shop shop so there's going to be some ambient noise sure but you know what what podcast name a good one that doesn't have the sound of a blender in the background um you can't no i tried exactly exactly so this is this is so cool patten just said uh that he remembers the comedians that were nice to him on his way up yeah and uh this

is him just paying it forward. This is a very inspiring experience. Yeah, exactly. To know that such a nice guy can make it and be so generous with his time. At that level, too. Just hanging out. He was nice to everybody that came up to him. And he's been in the game over 26 years.

Wow. And he's still just like, yeah, we can hang out. It was amazing. Wow. So we're really excited like, yeah, we can hang out. Yeah. It was so amazing. So, wow. So we're really excited to have him on the show. And, you know, if you live in Baltimore and this is the first time you heard of us, if you're in the area, we're doing our first live show. Yes. This Friday, September 26th at the Wind Up Space in Baltimore. Yes.

We're going to have a bunch of really funny people on. Yes. Maybe Patton will roll through if he's in town. Who knows? Or if we can just stalk him politely um so please come on out to that and uh if you're feeling nasty feeling froggy follow us on twitter and instagram i am at better robot josh michael moran 10 nice and we have a facebook page and digressionsessions.com calendar has all of our live stand-up and improv dates.

So come out and see us. And yeah, we hope you enjoy the episode. Wow. I know, I fucking did. I can't. Unreal. I know. Un-bugging real.

Thanks, everybody. We love you. Uh, no. Hello. Hello. Hello. uh no hello hello hello yeah yeah it actually you are the two hosts we are yeah what are your names again mike nice to meet you hi mike and i'm josh nice to meet you patten thank you um well we'll save it for the oh we're we're rolling this this this is it this is it so if you do you want to get out all your blasphemes and racist remarks so you guys um yeah this is a white power podcast right yeah i thought that's why you hopped on it yeah that's what i'm trying to so they're like why would he just do some nuts podcast out in the street oh it's a white power podcast okay i could do could do that. Show ourselves the white power rangers. The white power rangers.

The first thing is, the first time I ever was told about you was by a woman working here right outside of this. It was right when I was getting into stand-up and she said, have you heard of Patton Oswalt? I said, no.

This was like five years ago. And I ran... Here at Common Ground? Right here. Right here. And then even stranger, she said, in five years, you're going to interview him here.

Yes. Yeah. And it happened. And she said you in five years, you're going to interview him here. And it happened. She said you were going to get hit by a bus afterwards, so be careful. And she disappeared into a spray of glitter. And we never saw her again. Did she? I'm not joking about that part. Wow.

So wait a second. You were just starting out five years ago doing stand-up? Yes. Are there places to go on stage? Yeah Where? Yeah, here we have two of the bigger clubs I guess it's the Comedy Factory and then That still exists?

Well, kinda And they've moved to a new location, right? That it's like, it's inside of a hotel now, right? I work at the Comedy Factory If you want to add to the conversation, you raise your hand Yep Alright It's inside of a hotel now, right? I've worked the company factory. If you want to add to the conversation, you raise your hand. Yep. All right. Mike.

Patton. Josh Koderna. I'll take my answer off the air. It worked out. Exactly. Nice and candid Yeah we don't even have to do This guy

It's just a muffin Come on quit it Alright now do the Oh good And the lattes right on time Thank you Are those the pumpkin spice Amazing Oh thank you so much

i jokingly said on twitter because you said uh you're like do you want any coffee it's like anything pumpkin spice is fine and that well there's no no context i was like damn it get these boys pumpkin spice now i'm already doing them a huge favor, but I'll do it. I'll show you the power of being on basic cable. I can make those appear with a snap and then a 20-minute wait. Boom, they're there. As soon as a podcast starts. They're coming right out.

Oh, here we go. Thank you. Excellent. Thank you so much. Are we recording? Oh, here we go. Thank you. Yay. Excellent. Thank you so much. Are we recording? Yeah, we're rolling. Today's episode is brought to you by the fabulous people at Common Ground. Yes.

Nonfat cappuccinos and pumpkin spice lattes at the snap of a finger. Right on time. And a lot of vegan, gluten-free muffins and snacks. Because who cares about flavor? And a front room full of people working on screenplays they'll never finish. Come on by the Common Ground and watch Quentin Tarantino's mini Quentin Tarantino's

never get out of the gate at the Common Ground. It's your one. It's your failed screenwriters home away from home. And again, I'm saying that jokingly, but the coffee here is amazing. It's your one. It's your failed screenwriter's home away from home. And again, I'm saying that jokingly, but the coffee here is amazing. It's good stuff. Very good coffee.

Smoothies here are incredible. I think smoothies? Yeah, unless they don't do that anymore. They used to. I think it's different ownership now. No, there's smoothies. It'd be a weird owner. He's like, shit's going to change.

No more smoothies. It's completely normal. Hang on. Before we go any further, what's popular here? Okay, smoothies, gone. Gone. How are they doing? It's a new day here at Common Ground.

There you go. All right. A lot of cold-pressed wheatgrass. That's what we're doing from now on. That's all we're doing. Think of the long run, people. We're playing a long game here. They come back.

They come back. I run it. And that's how we like it. I want everything to be enjoyed with eyes rolled. That's what I want here. That's a common ground. So, yeah. So, Patton, I hit you up on Twitter because my friend screencapped your tweet.

And he goes, holy shit, dude, Patton's in your neighborhood. And I was like, I'll try. I'll reach out. I'll ask. And you said, okay, I'll be here. I was like, I'll try. I'll reach out. I'll ask. And you said, okay, I'll be here. I was like, all right. I was literally in the middle of a meeting, and I work for the Social Security Administration, so it's going to be a new fiscal year.

A lot of stuff's changing. Okay. And we're in the middle of a meeting, and my phone's going off, going off, and I'm looking. And you're like, yeah, I'll be here. And I was just like, I have to go right now. Yeah, I was like, I have to go right now. Exactly, yeah. Your pills are going to have to wait.

And you can thank Pat Noz, move to Canada. I have to go talk to a semi-recurring actor on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. It's belt-tightening time. You're going to be on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.? Yeah, tonight. Well, I don't know when this episode drops. I didn't know that existed until like yesterday. Yeah, I'm on tonight.

Is it within the continuity of the Marvel film series? Very much so. Oh, my. So every movie tapers off into an episode. So whenever a movie comes out, the next week, the episode deals with the fallout from the movie. Oh, that's really? Some serious. Wow.

Yeah. Man, they're really playing the long you just saw. Oh, that's, really? Some serious. Wow. Yeah. Man, they're really playing the long game with this golden series. They are very much, especially for the fact that they just are given, I mean, it is such the, how can I put it? You know what it is? It reminds me, it's the CBGBs of the comic book universe where they do not get the big acts. This is the early 70s.

Sure. You want your Peter Frampton stadium filling guy, but no. Right now we've got Ramones and Talking Heads. Bad Brains. And no one knows who they are. And so they're not giving them the big properties. But they did give them

Deathlock. They get to use Deathlock. Get to use Crusher Creel this season. Mockingbird is on. Elastic Man. Oh, for the love of God. Plastic Man is DC. Was he? I'm sorry. Not Marvel.

Let's cut his mic. Okay, guys. Thanks a lot. And it's great to be on your show. Yep. Yep. Thanks for coming by. Those twins that can turn into shit. I'm sorry. Your associate had his hand up. Mike Fonazzo for Pat Noswell. Michael. Mike Fonazzo, Hamden Crop Report.

No, but I think... Jesus. I think you're right about the attitude of that show with Marvel, and it even trickles down to the lead of the show is Clark Gregg. He's a fantastic actor, and I love so much stuff he's in, but he's not like your typical leading man, especially for something that's like hero-driven

or comic book-driven. But he's so good on that show and so good in general. And he's very much... How would you operate when you are in a world full of super beings and you've got limited resources but still have to save the planet from spinning into the sun. Right.

It's pretty interesting. I love that from time to time. Yeah. Man thing? We got man thing on there? Well, they mentioned it last season. No way, really? Yes.

But I'm not kidding that he was mentioned in the second to last episode. And I can't say anything more about that. I know some stuff that's coming up, but I can't talk about it. Cool. You're going to want to kill me, but the battery's about to die. We might have to move inside. That's fine. Okay. So this was our opening

segment, and now we're going to pause for a word from the Hun bar. Yeah. A word from the Hun bar. The post-credits scene. Gentrified and turned into art spaces. Yeah, the gentrification fairy is like slowly sprinkling dust upon it year after year. Wow. You got to be like really careful where you park, you know, because a few blocks away and you might seriously be in trouble. So anytime you're in like a crack den now, just go, wow, in 2031, this is going to be an amazing John Varvatos.

The coolest bands are going to play here in 30 years. Oh, my gosh. You're not even going to hear of them. The rents, forget about it. I'm so glad it's a crack den now and affordable. So you guys are all stand-ups here in Baltimore. Yeah, and Mike and I do improv as well. And now, there's an improv scene out here?

Uh-huh. Where at? Like, where do you guys go up? Well, we... We just got a theater in that same kind of area. We're with the Baltimore Improv Group, and there's about 50 of us,

and then go down to D.C. a good amount, too. Oh, good. With the Washington Improv Theater, too. And then there's a bunch of, like, indie scenes and stuff like that. Oh, that's nice. So then, besides Magoobies and um and that is the factory outlet what are the other comedy

clubs are the rest just like spaces you go up at yeah there's a lot of like one-nighters around here but i go to dc a lot and like work the improv arlington draft house which i think you were there at some point yes well back in the day man you would it was all one-nighters outside of uh dc and it was always like run by some sketchy local comedian that would go to a don't worry i know that guy yeah i know actually i mean i could name him but i'm not gonna um but he was classic for he would go to like a restaurant or bar and say yeah let's put a comedy club in here and they would give him a restaurant or bar and say, yeah, let's put a comedy club in here. And they would give him a $1,000 budget. And then the opener would get $25 and the feature would get $75.

And he would just send any. He didn't care about putting the show in. It would maybe last at the most three weeks. And then he would just move on to another place. It was all just like a shark thing. And then I remember I did some Chinese place out in Winchester, Virginia, and the guy that booked the club, this comedian, had told me to tell the headliner that you are getting this much money.

And then in the space of me picking the headliner up and driving out there, the guy, the booker, had changed his mind and cut 50 bucks off the guy's pay and didn't bother to tell me. There were no cell phones back then, so we get there. And we're driving. He goes, well, what am I getting? You're getting this, like, you're getting $175. And then we get there there and they gave him

125 and he's understandably pissed off and gets the guy on the phone and he's saying well

you know Patton told me I was getting 175 uh huh okay I'll put him on and then

he puts me on and the booker's like what the fuck did you tell him that for like because you told me you tell him that for? Because you told me to tell him that. Yeah, but I changed my mind.

There was a problem with the money. Don't tell him. He was angry at me for not lying, for not covering his scuzziness. And it was all probably for some minor thing. He owed money to another one of his awful one-nighters. So he just, again, no conscience, but just, oh, I'll just lob that guy's money off. No biggie. And I'm the one getting screamed at.

And for a while, I couldn't work his clubs anymore because he's like, you guy fucked me out of $50, this little idiot. And it was just the classic, of course, of course. Was this booker's first name Ricky, by the way? No, it was not. Although it sounded similar to Rick. Yeah. And I'll leave it at that. Yeah, we know the same, I guess. It's funny how the decades change, but the names are kind of interchangeable.

It is. It's like at the end of The Wire. It's like, oh, it's all new people, but in the exact same roles. There's a new Omar. There's a new McNulty. There's, oh, it's all new people, but in the exact same roles. There's a new Omar. There's a new McNulty. There's, oh, okay. Right. And actually nothing changes.

Right. There's a new Bubbles. Yeah. So there's a new. Dookie becomes Bubbles. Yeah, exactly. Right. But there is that, you know, oh, that guy that I had, you got your guy, but they're

the exact same guys. Right, right. Yeah, because Ricky owes me $50, too. Yeah. Or whatever. Yeah. No, they all do. Right, right. Yeah, because Ricky owes me $50 too, or whatever. Yeah. No, they all do. There was a great

club out in Greenbelt, and he was famous for, you would finish the weekend, and you'd go, okay, well, I'd like to get my $125. Well, what we're going to do is we're going to roll it over. I got some more gigs for you.

We're going to take that $125,000 and you can just leave with $125,000 now. Who cares? What I'm going to do is I'm going to put it into the next room. But the next room is going to pay you even more. The next room will get you $300,000 if that money goes into that. In other words, if you forego your pay now

to put it into this other room I'm opening up, you'll get that pay. And it was just this constant, you just chased this money that you would never get. Right, right. It would never get.

And then he went out of business when comedians just started, I remember the Fat Doctor, Darcelle Blackburn, who I loved, I loved the Fat Doctor. He teaches a class in D.C. Yeah You know what

Look He was Maybe not the most Original comedian around But he was an amazing performer And if you had to Do an open mic On a Tuesday

In front of four people He's the guy You wanted to open the show Because he could get The crowd going Get The Fat Doctor Yeah Just get The Fat Doctor

He'll just get it going Not the most We gotta open this to, yeah, just get the fat, he'll just get it going. Not the most, yeah. We gotta open this thing up. He also had, by the way, he had one of my favorite lines, it's weird,

me and Louis C.K. are obsessed with comedians that, maybe they're not the best comedians, creative, but then out of nowhere they have an amazing line,

you're like, how is that in your act? And he had this great line where he goes, I used to work on the suicide hotline, but I got fired because people would call in and I kept seeing their point. That is an amazing line. That is

perfect. So, you know, that's just... But people like him and Dave Chappelle were just like, you have to pay me right now. Literally, the reason he went out of business was the comedians, it was like the way a pyramid scheme falls apart. Like, I'd like the money back that I invested. Oh, well, then I'm going to go out of business. I don't want that.

The whole thing's going to fall apart in one piece. This only works if you don't ask for it. Yeah. He's like the worst investment guy. Like, yeah, you could get paid now, or you could do this shitty one-nighter and let it roll over. Or see it in the mystery box. Behind door number three?

It was always hard for me. Look, these are awful human beings. People like Bernie Madoff. Terrible comic, too. Well, really, a good juggling bit at the end. He had a strong closer, and that was it. Yeah, yeah.

Dirty for me. But someone like him, again, he's a horrible sociopath, and his famous quote was, fuck my victims. Whoa. Sidney Jingles, fuck my victims. Whoa. But at least, because I was always used to guys that were doing, they were doing Bernie Madoff shit, but the stakes were $75.

Yeah. You know, for an extra, oh, I can get $15 out of this guy. So the fact that Bernie Madoff was like, well, I'm going to go for billions. And bankrupt people. Part of me respects the fact that at least he went big. Because I had always been getting screwed over by guys. A, then they would lie to

your face, and then part of the deal was he knows that I know he's lying. And if I want to keep working, I have to swallow it. And he's not even making the effort to really scam me. I almost respect someone that's like, he respected me enough to really work up a good lie and go, I better. But when someone barely tries, you're like, well,

the shrimp freezer broke. I'm sorry, is there such a thing as a shrimp freezer? Sure, yeah. In this case, yeah, and so now I can't pay you. This is a burger king. This is a burger king, yeah. That is, that was... We all were, it was constant.

It was constant, Yeah, just... They... God, I had one place I went to where it was up in Harvard to Grace and the guy... I did my set and I was supposed to get...

Again, this is... And I gotta stress to anyone listening, this was never for huge amounts. Like, I would... I would weirdly respect someone trying to get, and again, this is, and I got to stress to anyone listening, this was never for huge amounts. Like I would, I would weirdly respect someone trying to go, how can I fuck this guy out of a grand? Okay. Grand. I see that.

This is, I'm talking 25, $75 a time. Yeah. And I, and I got done with my set and he was set up. He was, and he was like, uh, yeah. So, uh, why your, your show that you just did that set, huh? I go, yeah, so, wow, your show that you just did, that set, huh? I go, yeah, yeah. I have to go up to, like, I need to leave right now to get to the next gig the next night. So I need my $75 because that will put the gas in my car.

Yeah. $75, I know. I just, they didn't, I mean, would you say they laughed like the whole way through your set? Like the whole time you were up there? And I said, well, for the most part, yeah. He goes, ah, see, that's it right there. For the most part. I charge five a month.

For the most part. Like, I just, they got to be laughing the second you hit that stage. Yeah. Did they laugh $75 worth? I just don't feel it. And he was literally, and I finally said, you have to give me the $75 now and I have to leave. And I just got really, and again, I'm not a courageous,

I hate confrontation. So my version of confronting people is to get really kind of robotic and almost autistic. Like I'm not, you have to give me the $75. Like get that kind of, and then he was like, okay. And he gave it to me in this way like i'm really like you could have learned a really important lesson here and i'm but i guess you're gonna take the easy way out like if you had let me yeah he's like like you didn't earn this but all right man if you want to take the easy way out if you had let me just give you 37 dollars

you really would have learned an important let you You would be a better comedian. But I guess that's if you're just going to be a wuss about it. Yeah, if that's your game. Yeah. Did you see Mike Birbiglia's movie, Sleepwalk With Me? Yes. Which I love the scene where the club owner's trying to rip him off about the chicken tenders where he wants to

charge them. Oh, God, yeah. And finally, he's just like, I'm not paying for these fucking chicken tenders. And I just remember standing up at the theater going someday i'll do that i'll make a stand for myself yeah because i'm the guy that yeah yeah oh there were so many times i backed down and i let them i i was i remember i was at a one-nighter in oh god it was a it was a town in ohio that started with an o and i want to say oxford but i'm not sure if that's correct but they said you know you can get a meal off the menu and i got you know it wasn't even crazy it's like a sandwich and then the they did that thing of well it's you got off

of this section oh and you're not allowed for comedians it's just this i'm like well you didn't tell me that right and he's like I mean, this part is shaped. And it was that thing of, you know, and I backed down. Right. Because I still had that thing in my head of, well, this is a circuit and this is a network. And if you screw up here, they all talk to each other. Yeah. And they'll shut down all of your, you know.

Right. So the thing when I stood up for myself on Havre de Grasse, it was because I had no, if I hadn't, I would not have been able to drive my car to the next gig. It was either do something or just live in Harvard to Grass. I can't get out of here. I think you picked the right path. Yeah, it was a nightmare. That's a good bumper sticker. Stand up for yourself or live in Harvard to Grace.

Live in Harvard to Grace. Stick to your guns. Oh, John Waters just called me. Close personal friend as well. You could take time out for that. No, no, no. I just wanted to say that on your podcast. All right.

For those listening, Patton is not looking at a phone. He's just touching his shoe. Okay, sorry. Fooling them all. is not looking at a phone. Yeah. He's just touching his shoe. Hee hee hee! Wee hee hee hee hee hee! Okay, sorry. Fooling them all. Well, that was your intent. You wanted to hang out with him, right? And you got us assholes. He just texted me that he has to leave for New York tomorrow,

but I'm going to be back in October, so we're going to try. We almost, I mean, I talked to him for two seconds at the Independent Spirit Awards, and I just feel like that guy especially, So we're going to try. We almost. I mean, I talked to him for two seconds. Yeah. Independent Spirit Awards. And I just want to. I just feel like that guy, especially for a lot of reasons. I owe him like a really nice meal.

Really? Yeah. Because he was the first guy. And I didn't realize this till much later in my life. With his movies. You know, there's always been fringe art experimental cinema, but if you look at stuff like Meshes of the Afternoon and a lot of this Brockage stuff or Breakage, I know I'm mispronouncing his stuff,

and like Ken Jacobs and the Kuchar brothers, they always did it in this very exotic, shot it in an exotic, odd netherworld because that was part of it. And he was the first guy to do avant-garde and the experimental just in the suburbs and never tried, that the suburbs themselves are very unnatural and dreamlike and kind of inhuman in a very charming way. And he was the first guy to really, really do that. That was a really, I think, major leap

that had to be made from, he was saying all the weird art house midnight movies mm-hmm way weirder shit is going on literally on your block if you would just take a second and really look at it and that was you know and also the funniest the the scene in a movie that makes me laugh the hardest still for everything I've ever seen comedy wise is is the opening of Female Trouble is one of the funniest openings of a movie I've ever, it's so perfect. I haven't seen it either.

Oh my guys, guys, it is, it is, it's, it's Divine and Kuki Mueller are high school students that are sitting in their classroom and it's Divine literally saying, it's like Christmas Eve, and she says,

my parents better get me them cha-cha heels I asked for. And then they just cut to, it's Christmas morning, and the parents, and it's just, again, it is the most normal-looking 70s Polaroid living room, which, again, because they've never shot that on film, looks really weird, even though it's what you saw every day. It's really startling to go, why would that be in a movie? And the parents sing

the worst rendition of Silent Night you've ever... Before we open our presents, we gotta sing Silent Night. And it's just... It's like something out of a nightmare. And then she opens up her box and it's a pair of sensible pumps. And she goes berserk.

It's like Jay Hoberman in his book Midnight Movies described it as she acts like a mama elephant who has been denied her foal. It just goes in a rampage, dumps the Christmas tree on top of her mom, runs away, and she's just running through the suburbs while this Christmas song is playing. She's crying. She's in her pajamas. Then she gets picked up. She goes hitchhiking, gets picked up by this guy who is divine but not in drag. Takes her to a junkyard. Kind of rapes her, but rapes himself.

And this is the first five minutes of the movie. And here's the opening of our story. He's always one of those... He's always one of those guys Well, yeah, he's always one of those guys. And I said this this year when I was hosting the ISAs. I said, look, there's been a lot. It's 2014, so there's been a lot of. We're beginning.

We are now on the baby boomer nostalgia death slog years. These next 10 years. I mean, it's 50 years since this. It's 50 years. Yes, we know. Okay, we's 50 years since this. It's 50 years. Okay, we know. Isn't it bizarre seeing the hippie generation get elderly? Yeah.

I guess the World War II generation is pretty much gone now. Yeah, but the World War II generation aged perfectly. They aged the way you're supposed to age. Gracefully old, crotchety. And then the baby boomers are going. Yeah, I will actually trade off some racism for a little bit of grace and self-effacement. Because the baby boomers are going down like braying T-Rexes in the tar pit.

I mean, it's so ugly the way they're aging. It's really gross. And I was on stage. I said, look, there's been a lot of 50th anniversaries this year and a lot of deservedly great films, but this is also

the 50th anniversary of John Waters' first film. In 1964, he shot a short called Hag in in a black leather jacket. He was a teenager living in suburban Baltimore, probably in Hampton. Timonium. Timonium?

I believe so. Where McGoovie's at, actually. Well, the movie is a... Full circle. It's a Klansman officiating an interracial wedding on the roof of his parents' garage. That was his first movie. Wow.

He's a teenager. In 1964? In 1964. So I was like, holy shit. Any of you young... Below the Hays Code. Yeah, exactly.

I was like, any of you young, thrill-seeking indie filmmakers looking to kick open the envelope and went, am I going a little too far with this? Just remember, 50 years ago,

a openly gay teenager in Baltimore shot a mixed race wedding presided over officiated by a Klansman in the suburbs so man the fuck up and go for it

like it's already he paid he could not have blazed a wider path for you guys so just go through the he's been holding the door open for you for 50 fucking years. You know,

so it was that kind of, yeah. And that's where he started. That's insane. It's like, I got an idea for a film. That's his first. And,

and he still maintains, he turned a profit cause he would show it a little coffee houses. So he was like, his whole thing is every move I've ever made is turned a profit. He stole the film on that movie too. I just read an interview. He was writing his book that just came turned to profit. He stole the film on that movie too. I just read an interview where he was writing his book that just came out and he actually stole the film used

to make that first scene of the film. I'm sure he did. By the way, all young filmmakers, you steal everything. It's what you do. I was talking, I remember when Bobcat Goldthwait started making movies and I was like, wow, what's that, All the permits and stuff

He goes Oh yeah I never asked for You just start shooting And when the police show up You're like Oh thank god you guys came Is everything okay Like you're really excited

And you find the biggest star You're working with And then have Hey come over here Meet the You know And then talk your way He goes

If you can't talk your way Out of a ticket from the con You shouldn't be making movies Right Why are you doing this Yeah You know Go to a college campus

Find some 18 year old So they'll get you a case of beer go buy short ends with your student id save me all this money like just you gotta constantly think of those terms i think bob yeah yeah i can't wait i can't i love stuff like that chris lamartine is gonna flip his shit that you're actually gonna watch this he's a he's a friend going to watch this. He's a friend of ours. Massively. You'll love that. Massively. I even went to Providence to you.

No, no, back in 2008. Speaking of old-time erasers. Yeah. Went to Providence, did a club called Lupo's. What a stupid name. It's an A club. But I got there a day early because I wanted to go to Swan Point Cemetery and visit Lovecraft's grave. So I get in a cab and we're driving around the cemetery and I can't find where the tombstone is. I know there's an obelisk for the Phillips family and that his tomb is near.

I know that enough. So we're driving. We can't find it. I'm like, God damn it. So there was this woman, like a park ranger or like the attendant in her little parking attendant car. Short, five foot tall, wide squat black woman standing by her car, just out. It was a nice day.

Doing her job. And we passed her a bunch of times while I'm looking around. I found this camera. I'm like, could you just pull up to her? I'll ask her. So he pulls up. I get out of the car, and I start walking. I take two steps, and she just looks at me.

She goes, you want that monster man? He's right over. Like, she literally just looked at me and goes, oh, another one of these motherfuckers. She sized you up real quick. Yeah, I know what he wants. Yeah, you guys. Yeah, he know what he wants. Yeah, you guys. Yeah, he's right over there. The monster man.

Didn't even need to. Because I realize guys who look like me come up to her all day. Do you know where? Yes, I do. It's right over there. Excuse me. Beastly sorry to interrupt you. The great H.P. Love.

May I see the crypt where the sepulcher remains? Yeah, just shut the fuck up. Monster Man's over there. Jesus Christ, man. God damn. Did you sense the power of the old ones? You know, there is something about that town. And I had a really odd day the day that I went walking around because I took a tour of, like,

I knew where the house that inspired the Shunned House was. and I knew where the, you know, the downtown Providence, there's a church where this bell that rings, but it's on, like, a tape loop. It's not the actual bell, and something's wrong with the tape loop, so it has this kind of weird wavery. Yeah, it sounds very creepy. Is it like a Billy performance where it gets stuck and keeps repeating? No, it sounds like, again, it sounds like it's coming through another dimension. Really? Yeah, and there's a lot of little, like, you know, bookstores and shops have little Cthulhu trinkets everywhere. Sure.

Because he is the star attraction of Providence, basically. He's the A-Club. Well, it's Lovecraft and the Farrelly Brothers. It's those two. So you'll walk along and there'll be little octopoid statues and windows, but not in reference to anything. And the streets are very narrow and brick. So at one point I went into this store full of all these weird,

giant, misshapen paper mache heads. They were making giant puppets in this store. And there were these two guys in there, and they weren't really paying attention to me. They were just making their puppets, working on these really deformed puppets. And one of them started talking about, yeah, so I saw this documentary,

and it's this guy. You know, the whole, all of 9-11 traces back to this guy named Saeed Qutb. And I had just watched, and I knew what he was, because it was a documentary called The Power of Nightmares. And there's this Egyptian guy called Saeed Qutb. And I had just watched, and I knew what he was going to do. It was a documentary called The Power of Nightmares. And there's this Egyptian guy called Saeed Qutb that is the, he basically, he inspired bin Laden

and all those guys. Like he is the, I hate to say it, but yeah, he's the Ramones of radical Islam, basically. He's the Ramones to bid Laden's green day. He wrote like one book and then was executed in his 30s. Now he's this weird cult figure. Really? I've never heard of that. But he has this name, Saeed Qutb.

And the guy was like, the other guy said, Qutb? And the guy just started going, Qutb, Qutb, Qutb. And it was like he was chanting this name, which sounds very Lovecraftian. There's no vowels in or anything. And he's chanting it

among all these giant misshapen puppet heads in the middle of Providence. And it was the fact that I had just been watching that documentary on my laptop on the plane. Now I'm walking around and I run into two guys who aren't looking. They're not talking to me. They're talking to each other. I mean, he's just chanting basically this name that is connected with just like the Necronomicon by the Mad Monk. It's that same kind of figure. So it was one of those, I don't believe

in any kind of cosmic synchronicity, but there was a weird, it felt like I was at the end of maybe an evil bit of ribbon that was connecting me to something. There are Lovecraft followers that come to the town who believe that

Cthulhu is real and that Lovecraft was writing fictionalized versions of these stories being dictated to him from the great old ones. I just read an amazing book by a writer named Michael Shea. He just died last year, too. Died way too fucking young. And he was, in my opinion, even better than Thomas Ligotti, that he's the heir to Lovecraft. And he wrote a book called The Color Out of Time.

And what it is, it's about Lovecraft. An actual thing happened a hundred years earlier and Lovecraft, when he wrote The Color Out of Space, changed it to make it seem like a fun pulp thing. But the whole idea is everything he was writing about was something that actually happened.

And he wrote this, this guy, Michael Shea wrote this in the early 80s. And it is a very, just because what he realizes, he's a huge, he was clearly a disciple of Lovecraft. And he's like, what Lovecraft was doing during his time was, I'm trying to create something that feels real. So the next step is to make it seem like what HP was doing was a way to ameliorate. I can't really write the truth out. It's too horrifying. I'll make it seem like a funny, you know, cheap pulp fiction story so people can deal with it.

But then it'll actually be this. So, I mean, if you ever want to read really good Lovecraft, pick up anything by Michael Shea. Okay. In Yana, A Touch of the Undying and Color Out of Space are just... What's your favorite Lovecraft story? You know what? My favorite Lovecraft story is The Shadow Over Innsmouth.

Yeah. And there's a guy on... He was Edgar Winner's old drummer. His name is Wayne June. And he reads Lovecraft now on iTunes. He records all the Oh, the LibriVox recordings? Like the free audio? Yeah, those are great.

And it literally, he has a voice if a zombie could talk, it would sound like Wayne June. It is the scariest. If these zombies could talk. It is one of those things where now I just wait for him to, because now I'm rereading Lovecraft through Wayne June. I just wait for him to record a new one and listen to it. It is always the creepiest.

It sounds like somebody went to some asylum where one of the patients was channeling one of the old ones and talking and just recorded them. They're just amazing. Have you heard the HP PodCraft? I've heard of it, but I haven't listened to it. Check it out. You'll love it.

It's really well done. Oh, you know what? We have you lined up for about 10 hours. I'm happy to do it. No, it's great. You should really check it out. I think you'd love it. Yeah.

I forget what I was going to say. But I love the idea of that guy like sitting in a booth with like a young dude like recording him like a young engineer and it's just creepy guy it's like you want to take that creepy part uh from the top again yeah just uh okay that was my riff june's recordings is and again he gets lovecraft he's not he never does the whoo-hoo-hoo. He talks in this very flat, scientific manner where there's no emotion in his voice. But his voice is very, I mean, there's something really inhuman about his voice. It's a deep voice, but it's like something's off. So it sounds like you're listening to something that knows it's horrible.

So it's doing this parody of how normal humans talk. And it is so unsettling. Yeah. The fact that it sounds like something that is creepy normally, so it's trying not to be creepy, and it makes it ten times worse. It's just a great way to read it. And it really will give you the willies listening to his stuff. I think you've got to pay for them.

But, I mean, it's not expensive expensive, and man, is it worth it. Oh, is he scary. Were you always a horror fan? Yeah, from an early young age. I just was always drawn to horror movies, and then when I started discovering people, I remember I had a fourth grade teacher that would read us Edgar Allan Poe, and it was a way to teach us vocabulary rather than to creep us out but I

always honed in on the that dude's being buried alive yeah that's great yeah yeah yeah and there'd be a few pages of like weird old timey dialogue descriptions of old villages and stuff maybe I'm wrong.

In The Fall of the House of Usher, aren't some of the books in Roderick's library, they get referenced later in Lovecraft's works? They're fake books that Poe made up. Yes. But they're referenced in Lovecraft, so there's a continuum there. I believe so, yeah.

Not sure, so. Yeah. Yeah. Not sure. Yeah. Yeah. There's some creepiness there. You ever read The Hounds of Tindaldos? By Frank Belknap Long. Yes. Yes.

He was... Frank Belknap Long wrote a really interesting biography of Lovecraft where they... Because he was his buddy. Well, yeah. He was the first guy to do Lovecraft fan fiction. Yeah. I guess it wouldn't be called that, but like in the Lovecraft universe. But then there's like some kind of sort of touching pictures of him and Lovecraft like on a tour, like an architectural tour of New York.

But they're goofing around on film, like trying to have a fight. Wow, that seems kind of out of character. Oh, that's right right he was goofing he essentially wanted friends right yeah he had a pretty creepy life when you read about his childhood and everything oh my god and then the outsiders are pretty

apt well yeah that was his yeah the outsider is the outsider that's the Lovecraft gateway drug for most people I think but also the outsider is Lovecraft's purple rain Like that is his This is my soul Like yeah

I'm just gonna Tell it to you So that's his way Of putting it But yeah But he also like You know Those early years

It's also really Poignant to think about how He died in what 37 or 39 I don't know Somewhere around that Never made it to the 40s But near the end of his life

He was He was starting to actually travel. He would visit fans. Yeah. He became a little bit more open with his... And he was starting to, in some of his last letters, he was making some oblique references to some of the stuff I wrote, especially a lot of

the racist, racial stuff. He was like, oh, I was... The absolute worst. There's one where, I forget what story it is, but at the very end, like the M. Night Shyamalan horrific twist is that the woman finds a picture of her grandmother and discovers that she's a fourth black.

Yeah, I know. The last word is, and she held a picture. I think that's the horror of Red Book. Of a negress. The last word is a negress. Yeah, but like... Oh, my God. I thought you were going to say the twist

was he had the girl jump into Lake Winnetonka naked. That's not Lake Minnetonka. But I always wonder if H.P. Lovecraft had lived, would he have become an apostate to his early beliefs and gotten to where he was like, oh, this is how, and been open enough to go see what I used to think, especially because World War I really screwed with him, the idea of just mechanized death.

So if he had lived to see World War II, the camps and the bomb, would that have affected him? Would that have also made him go, oh, my God, was I wrong? I think a lot of people in America did change during that. I think World War II was the change for a lot of people. Yes. Like, old-timey racism was kind of the norm, like, before World War II. It was really Hitler

that, like, killed that for Americans. I mean, the people that didn't, the person that formed the Red Cross believed in eugenics. Yes, as did the woman who formed Planned Parenthood. Yes. Yeah, they're both from eugenics programs. But it was after, you know, the Nazis, they went, oh, this goes somewhere bad. The Nazi program was...

Hitler was inspired by a lot of American eugenicists in Swedish. And here's a fun fact. Did you know Charlie Chaplin made The Great Dictator because he had heard that Hitler was a fan and he wanted to persuade him to be not such a fascist asshole? I didn't hear that. Nice. I heard he booked a one-nighter

in Habit of Grace. Well, you know, I remember... He knows how to work a crowd. I mean, say what you will about the guy. I was, when I drove across country from Northern Virginia to San Francisco in the early 90s, 1992,

to move to San Francisco, my car broke down in Truckee, California, which is this mountain town, where there is a statue in commemoration to the Ku Klux Klan. Really? And because, as one of the bar people said, there's all the Chinese built a railroad out here, and then they're all buried up in the hills. They just killed them.

It was horrifying. Whoa. Killed them. But then there was this theater, this old-timey preserved theater that I took a little tour of. And there was pictures of Charlie Chaplin, who took a tour of America and performed in this theater in Truckee, California, back in the 20s. Right. And I was asking the docent who was giving the tour, I was like, wow, how did he, how did his show go here? And then apparently they said, didn't do very well.

They did not. So even Charlie Chapman was having shitty one-nighters in little towns, you know, out in California and just eating it. Yeah. These assholes

don't get any of this stuff. This isn't a good tour, right? Well, that was, and that was like, I think the March Brothers were on tour down in like Nacogdoches, either New Mexico or

Texas, and they had this nightmare, and they just started basically hate-fucking the crowd, making fun of them, and they almost got the shit kicked out of them. So it's like even back then, there were the, you know. You know, they're just backstage like, Jesus Christ, what are we doing with our lives? I'm W.C. Field. Next! Boom! Were some of your worst shows around here, like those one-nighters?

Oh, fuck yeah. God. Yeah. Because you're from Virginia, D.C. area, right? Virginia, but then were all these little one-nighters we would go to. I mean, I went to... I remember going to...

There was a place in Leesburg called Easy Street. We've all done a shitty show in Leesburg. Yeah. Less than a week ago, Friday. Yeah, I was there I think like a couple months ago, and then these guys just did it. When I was there, I was like,

alright, Leesburg, chill out. Just because you have a Roy Rogers. This woman goes, we have two. And I was like, all right. What was the place called? It was a bar. It's McDowell Kitchen or something. Brew Kitchen. There have been at least four or five shows I've done there.

One of them is called The Balls Bluff Tavern. And apparently there was one called Del Rio, which was there for like ever. Wow. And it had like 10 different bookers.

So I might actually have been around. Jesus. Yeah, you were around. I had Easy Street was where I was sitting at the bar and I was reading

James Elroy's Suicide Hill. Not a thick paperback. And I'm just at the bar reading and a guy, and I know this sounds like a cliched story but this happened to me.

He gave me that excuse me, I had to bug you man. I go, what? He goes, how do you read a book that big? I said, what? I thought he was like

fucking with me but it was that thing of he wasn't a dumb, it was like this, look. You really should be a god amongst these people. But it had that tone of

oh no, I know how to read, but not that much. It would be like me going, I mean, I can lift weights, but how do you curl 75 pounds? That's crazy. So there was that. And then one night I was at a place out in Staunton, Virginia, in the mountains. Stanton. Everybody says Staunton. But it's St mountains. Stanton. Everybody says Staunton.

But it's Stanton. I grew up in Harrisonburg. Okay, well, it's up on 81, and it was me and a comedian named Lord Caret. And you know Lord. Yeah, yeah. So I got out there. They gave me the wrong time. The fabulous people at Garvin's.

This is one of their one-nighters. And, oh, you guys ever had to experience Garvin's, did you? No. Good for you. No. So, oh, that guys ever had to experience Garvin's, did you? No. Good for you. No. So, oh, that was an evil empire. So they gave me the wrong time, so I got there half an hour late. So Lord went up first and burned through an hour of material and then brought me up.

Damn. To fill out the time. Because back then we were all about, both guys got to go up or not going to pay you. And it's this giant ballroom that easily sat 600 people, and there's 70 people there, in a little knot in the front. And he's

struggling, and I go up and totally eat it, because he had boom, boom, boom jokes, and I'm this young, man, you ever... Just bullshit. And it was terrible. And then we, and it was terrible. And then we go off and we, yeah. HP, oh crap.

So anyway. You don't have a great old one. You know the black goat of the woods with a thousand young. So we go into the bar and we're talking and we have one more show and it's a frigging, and you see where this is going. We go back out there and we gotta do our second show for the same audience. What?

They had just, because they, it was a, you know, free comedy night and they just stayed and we went up on stage and it was just,

and I would love to tell you that we found a way, like, maybe I went up and was laughing about, like, oh, guys,

let's go, all right, I guess we're stuck. Nope, I went up and the whole crowd, if a group of people was like,

they sighed in perfect synchronicity. Not this guy. Echoing through that ballroom. There's not enough people in there so it's just bouncing all over the place. The same thing happened to me in a comedy zone in Charleston, West Virginia. Oh Jesus In a comedy zone in Charleston, West Virginia

Oh Jesus, the comedy zone That was a nightmare caravan Does that still exist? I'm still not going to talk shit about that Because I need work Good for you Wonderful place for a young talent to develop But yeah, it was the same thing

It was an 8 o'clock early show And it was whatever It thing. It was an 8 o'clock early show, and it was whatever. It was 40 people in the room, and then the same 40 people at the late show. Of course. And you could tell there was this air of, oh, we thought it would be different comedians. And even if we didn't like the first show,

the second one will be different. It's just like, nope, still me. And just that idea of, well, we got this for free. Right. And we're going to sit here for the whole fucking thing. They're resentful that they're going out. I've done clubs

and there was a club called Slapsticks with an X in Baltimore. The Baltimore Comedy Factory replaced that at one point and then moved again. Yeah, because it was in an abandoned mall, basically.

Everything in the mall was closed. So the audience go to the show walk through this totally abandoned creepy like are we gonna get jumped is this a trick and um we did a and it was run by this fucking this this i don't care if this guy hey the guy that ran slapsticks back in the day was one of the single dumbest adult human beings that I've ever met. To the point where one night, me and Blaine Kapatra were working, and we thought we were having really good shows. And he brings us back into his office and says, we got these comment cards. He's holding up six comment cards. These people hated you. And then there's this big stack of comment cards next to it.

And I wasn't even trying to be a smart ass i just said what are those cards right fuck you pat it doesn't matter please we cannot have any negative these people are because that was back when people who bought drinks were gods that was it that was the only reason the clubs was open uh-huh and then so later that so that wasn't that was a I think, on a Thursday night show. Then a Friday night show rolled around on the same week. And this group came in. They were so drunk. They had clearly gotten drunk out in the parking lot.

And they were just going to come in and each get a glass of Coke and save themselves some money. They are pulling pictures off the wall. They're coming in yelling at waitresses like just screaming and I went up to this guy Chris who ran the company he's like hey let's we should

get rid of them right and they're like god damn it you and your fucking attitude they are buying drinks unless you buy he goes I'll tell you what and he does this like

calls me out in front of the wait staff if you buy as many drinks and snacks as they're gonna get then I'll fucking throw them out. And then,

I'm sorry. And then we go up and they're screaming and fighting with the other tables. They had to call the cops and had to give refunds to the whole crowd. It was just the,

you know, again, one of the single dumbest adult human beings I've ever, he was almost fascinating. I wanted to see how else he would react to things. Yeah, exactly. Just, what's he going to do?

Yeah. I think that's the crazy thing about doing stand-up. When you do it, you're like, oh, I want to get laughs, and I want to be personal. You look at it as an art form. But to these people managing comedy clubs you really are karaoke or a DJ or and they're angry

that like you are a mechanical bull that can talk back right and that really because they they got into this because there was a time

and it was a fad so it was this you plug in a mechanical bull and you don't kind of think and then that went away or you karaoke actually no mechanical bull

then it was stand-up, and then stand-up got replaced by karaoke. But it was, for a while, there was a time, before I did it, I know in the mid-80s, didn't, you could,

it was the idea that you had stand-up. People would just go, okay, great. And then you have to think about anything, and you'd sell drinks and make a billion dollars.

And that was it. And so after a while, they were like, it was, these club owners would be back in their office counting out drink receipts and they would just listen for people at the wall going,

woo! And they would go, okay, that's a good act. But they weren't fans of comedy. They don't give a shit. Right. Right. So.

Was that pretty much indicative of the scene around here? Like, how was DC? Were you doing the improv? The improv didn't exist then. Really? When I was doing it, it was the Comedy Cafe,

which was a really good club, and then there was Garvin's, which was an absolute shithole. Right. Run by just these douchebags that didn't... They were always shorting you on money and screwing you over.

I mean, they banned Dave Chappelle from their club for asking to be paid for his work. Wow. So there's always that. But what was good was the one good thing that I liked about it being shitty, and

the same thing that happened in the early 90s was it was so bad that if you really wanted to become a good comedian, you had to go find your own space and find your own rooms. And it made it... And that, the badness of the late 80s, which was the end of the boom,

and then the boom dying in the early 90s, the one good thing it did was it shook out a lot of the awful comedians. A lot of the comedians that were just like, I'll just go up and say, you know, hey, how you doing, ladies and gentlemen? You know, Pee Wee Herman, right? Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Hey, how you doing, ladies and gentlemen? You know, Pee Wee Herman, right?

Is that yours? But there were guys that were making, you know, probably half a mil a year in between being in clubs and these one-nighters. Because they could just do the easiest shit, and then all the crowds went away. That was another good thing, too, because I saw a lot of guys who spent as if the mid-80s were never going to change. And then suddenly I saw headliners I was working with getting their cars towed, getting liens put on their houses.

So it was that thing of, oh, that's right. Every day is a rainy day in this business. And there's no solid ground ever. Anytime you think you're on some kind of solid ground, some new technology comes along and changes everything. Jesus. Sorry to bum you out, guys.

Good luck. Good luck. And then the clouds rain blood. Okay, thank you well i realized my grandmother was a negress well thanks patten for the time that was very inspiring so fun to i love inspiring young minds yeah yeah well how long have you been doing stand-up now it's been 20 it was actually, yeah. This Hang on, I'll tell you in a second. It was 26 years this past July.

Damn. How long have you been doing it? Almost two years. How about you? A little over five, almost six. Five or six? I think Mike and I started right around the same time. Where was you guys' first open, Mike?

Where'd you go up? I did, there was a guy in D.C. who runs these rooms. It's called Stand Up Comedy to Go. Did you know Kurt Shackelford? No. Yeah, he actually runs really good rooms out there. Oh, nice. The first time I did it, I did three minutes in between comics from Last Comic Standing

and people with TV credits and stuff. And I'm like, this did three minutes in between comics from Last Comic Standing and people TV credits and stuff. I'm like, this is what comedy is. The second time I did it was in a dive bar in Baltimore. There were homeless people. I was like, oh no, this is what it really is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. And how about you? Where was your first open mic?

It was at a pizza place and Joe Squared, which has good pizza, but i was only supposed to do four minutes and i was so nervous i was doing improv but stand-up was a whole nother thing like sure just by myself oh that's crazy and uh it's like uh the guy hosting is like you know just do four it's like four are you fucking crazy i'm gonna be lucky to do like two minutes then i'll get out of there right he doesn't like't like me. I'm up there for seven, and I just never stop talking. So it's like if I stop talking, they'll know they're supposed to laugh there. So I'm just going to keep going.

Smart. Yeah, right. Exactly. And it got me here. Don't interrupt me, people. I have things to say. And I was just talking and talking. Then finally he gave me the light, and I was like, okay, great.

And then I recorded the set and I was like, seven minutes? Are you kidding? And then they're like, yeah, it was seven minutes. Seven horrible minutes. No, you did good for your first time. You did decently. No, no. I remember looking at people's faces just like, okay, all right, you're going to be done.

What's this guy doing? Yeah. You're doing it, right? Yeah. Thank you. Good night. Good night, people. All right. You're going to be done. What's this guy doing? Yeah. You're right. Thank you. Good night. Good night, people. Really.

Help me out here. First time, mine was High Tops in Simonium. Just kind of a sports bar, restaurant type of place. Yeah. Yeah. Right next to the fairgrounds. Did like, what did we do back then? Like five minutes, six minutes?

Went pretty decently. I'd spent several months with the comedy Bible, Judy Carter's comedy Bible. Are you familiar with that? So I had an act constructed. I think one or two of the jokes I still pull out occasionally. And it went pretty well. It went okay. And then my ego got to me and I died for like two more years after that. That's actually a very typical story.

There's a lot of comedians who, David Cross and Brian Regan are both examples of guys who their first time on stage, they destroyed and then ate it for literally a couple of years. Yeah, that's kind of how I went.

It was like they were having a prank pulled on them. Right. Like their friends knew about their friends. Right. I said, I could get all these people

and give them a laugh and everything and then just fuck with them. That is almost what I did. I don't think it was that extreme. But I definitely stopped working at it other than doing it once or twice a week for a while. Yeah. But when you're new, I feel like it's just get up there.

Don't worry too much about anything else. Just do it as much as possible. Sure. That's cool. Yeah. So, hey hey Patton What else are you doing today? Hey man

I'm going to go walk up and down the avenue I want to go look at Atomic Books I just want to see what's on the street I just like walking around here Are you in town for Veep? I can't say why I'm in town I'm doing some things And I must keep quiet

So we'll just say he's in town He flew out for the digression sessions I took that Virgin has the digression. Yeah, I did. I took that. Virgin has a digression session flight now. Yeah, I took that. God bless him. It's pretty cool.

Richard Brandt. Yeah, we're tight. He was our first guest. We didn't even want to do a podcast, but he told us. I don't know if this is going to work, guys. Good luck. One day you'll be in a coffee shop. Oh, there's a ladder for me.

How to come to go to go. Good boy. One day you'll be in a coffee shop. Oh, there's a ladder for me, how to cop to go to go. Goodbye. Can we get some advice from you? Like, what would you say to young comics out there? You know, the main thing I would say is never, I just got this Facebook message

from a guy that he's in some town and I think he's in Louisville, I think he's in Louisville. I think he's in Louisville. Yeah. There's a local guy, club owner that they're, they're doing their own. A lot of the communities are doing their own little nights.

And he's saying, if you do these nights, you can't do my club. So never, ever, ever think locally in terms of what you are trying to do. If, if someone is trying to box you in locally

yeah just know that they can that can actually hurt you in the short run it never matters in the long run especially there are clubs that that fired me banned me and i just kept doing comedy and you know there was a rivalry i remember in um san francisco between a couple of clubs and but i just all the comedians alike just said i'm just gonna go as if that doesn't exist and do both of them i don't you know so if you don't even acknowledge yourself just you know um live locally but act globally i know that they say that in terms of you know whatever movement you are but that really applies to comedy If you get wrapped up in whatever is, oh, I gotta please just this one guy,

they don't, no one, think of your hometown comedy scene as high school. You're there for a few years, then you're gonna leave and you'll never see those people again. Right. Unless you want to. Yeah.

And is that a... Yeah, but just don't, do it out of fun, not out of fear. Right. And again, I know this sounds... If you get banned from a club or something, then go start your own. Right.

Boo-hoo, go start your own. Mm-hmm. There's just no... Especially now, I mean, I can say that with way more authority than when I used to say this before. There's no excuse not to just absolutely do your own thing. You know, well, this club, I mean, you know, there's too many examples now, you know,

people like Mark Maron and I'll just start my own thing then. And then they'll come back around to me. Yeah. So always think in those terms. You truly, no one has any power over you. Right. Not now, 2014, not networks and studios don't even any power over you right not now at 2014 not networks and studios don't even have power over you anymore you know so how does that feel to be an influence now

where it was like you know i'm sure you had guys you looked up to and you were a comedy nerd when you started how does that feel that people look at you the same way that you did for like steve martin and other guys you grew up on i try to remember the people that went out of their way to be nice to me and then pass that along because even people that... Jay Leno was really nice to me when I first met him. He had no reason to be... I've heard that a ton of times. Yeah, and I might not have been his biggest fan

when he was at the Tonight Show, but he was an absolute acme example of what a stand-up should be. They should be Bobcat Goldthwait, Bill Hicks. They were all those people that I met. I just remember them going out of their way to be nice. The Fat Doctor was nice to me. It's all just, you don't get ahead in this business because you claw your way to the top and steamroll people.

You get ahead because you're a nice person and people want to see you succeed. It's like, oh, I hope that guy makes it. He's cool. You know? Right. Well, like, it really tells you that when someone like Melissa McCarthy or Louis C.K. or a Dave Chappelle breaks through, no one's upset. Everyone's like, yes, thank God.

Right. And it's the people that did it the shitty way. Yeah. They're the ones like, what's with all the haters? You know what's with all the haters. Right. And it's the people that did it the shitty way. Yeah. They're the ones like, I can't, what's with all the haters? You know what's with all the haters. Right. You earn that reputation. You usually don't get haters unless you deserve them.

Right. Because I just can show you too many examples of people that break massively and everyone's happy. Yeah. Mm-hmm. You know? So. Interesting, man.

Well, thank you for sitting down with us. This was. Guys, thanks for hauling your stuff I hope this stuff sounds okay man no it'll be nice to have the blender

in the background this very much feels like a comedy club yeah exactly there's a line that Andy Kindler said one night I was watching him

in Montreal and he was eating it and he said I'm either doing really badly or the silverware is miked which is one of the funniest things I've ever heard he's hilarious that I'm either doing really badly or the silverware is miked.

It's one of the funniest things I've ever heard. He's hilarious. He's really nice. He was at the Arlington Draft House in the main room, and they do an open mic there every Saturday. And when he was done his show in the main room, he came out and he did the open mic out there. Here's another piece of advice,

and Andy Kinley gave this to me a million years ago, so I will pass this along. Awesome. Never, ever ask anyone to watch your act and give you notes on it, even if it's someone you respect. Really? Because all they will do, and they

won't do it out of meanness, any advice they give you will just make you more like them and less unique. Because that's all they know. They've struggled so long to find their own voice. That's all they know. They've struggled so long to find their own voice. That's all they know how to do. Yes, again, and people, but you are

hobbling yourself by asking for anyone to watch your stuff and give you feedback on it. Anybody, good or bad, never make your mistakes on your own and recover on your own. That's the only way to build a real voice. That's great.

And you will end up building the most unique voice. And that's what Andy Kindler told me a million years ago. He goes, stop asking people to look at your act. Just you go do it. Interesting. I go, yeah, but sometimes stuff doesn't work. Then you got to find a way to fix it. Right.

And your own way of finding it will be so unique that that will make you stand out. Wow. Yeah. Awesome. So always think of that. of finding it will be so unique that that will make you stand out wow yeah awesome so always think of that never ever ask other comedians to watch your stuff let your peers do i mean when you're hanging out with your comedian friends they're the ones that'll tell you dude that's so fucking heck come on man right but they'll never tell you how to do it right and those are the so value your friends more than your idols. That's going to sound like some lame philosophy,

but I asked somebody that about finding my voice once, and they described it as there was this college once that instead of building sidewalks, they just had grass, and at the end of the year, they looked where all the dead spots in the grass were where the students walked, and they built the sidewalks around just natural progression. Instead of saying, oh, let's force you to do this way, or let's recommend that you do it this way. We'll figure out where everybody's going.

And somebody compared finding your comedy voice that way. There you go. That's great. That was a better way to say what I just tried to say, so thank you. That was awesome. Fantastic. Glad you're here to bail this guy out, Vanessa. Thank you. Well, thanks for doing the show, man.

Anything you want to... My pleasure, man. Thank you. Thanks, thanks for doing the show, man. My pleasure, man. Thank you. Thanks so much, man. Really inspiring. I hope it helps, man. It was fun. Awesome. So now we got to start this podcast. Was that recorder not on?

Got all that out of the way. Well, back in 1991, I remember that I... Thanks, guys. All right, thanks, yeah.