The Digression Sessions - Ep. 139 - Sean Patton! (@MrSeanPatton)

Episode Date: October 27, 2014

Jumbo Shrimp Follow Us On Twitter! @BetterRobotJosh – Josh Kuderna @_SeanJoyce – Sean Joyce @DigSeshPod – For Podcast Updates! @MrSeanPatton – Sean Patton Hola DigHeads! On this week’s episode, Josh  and special guest cohost Sean Joyce are joined by the hilarious comedian, Sean Patton, in a DC hotel room. Sean has numerous TV appearances and is a based in Los Angeles and New York, by way of New Orleans. Sean was in DC to shoot an episode of the unscripted travel show Best Bars in America for The Esquire Network, which he stars in. Josh, Sean, and Sean discuss Sean Patton’s last appearance on Conan, his honest thoughts on Best Bars in America, the terrible things they did as teenagers including TPing a kid’s yard with a war-like strategy and concern, human feces on doors, and butts on volleyball player’s faces, and more! Please subscribe to and rate the Digression Sessions on Stitcher and iTunes. And check out our podcast network, Thunder Grunt! Thanks everyone! We love you! Thanks everyone! We love you!

hey everybody i'm josh kaderna and i'm mike moran and you're listening to the digression sessions podcast a baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers. Join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence. As we interview local and non-local comedians, writers, musicians, and anyone else we find creative and interesting. Yes. Who's the guest this week? Sean Patton is the guest on this week's program comedian sean patton uh who you can find on twitter he is at mr sean patton and his website is seanoliverpatton.com that has all of his uh upcoming dates and all that and he's also the co-host of the best bars in America on the Esquire

network. And, uh, he, uh, he co-hosts that with another very funny comedian, Jay Lawson. And, uh, they go around America and they look at the goddamn best bars and they say, Hey, this is a pretty good bar. And, uh, fortunately for us there, uh, the show was shooting in DC last week. And, uh, yeah, I got to do a show with those guys, which was awesome. I'm a big fan. And we tried to line up a podcast with Jay, but he couldn't do it. So then, yeah, we went to Sean's hotel room and just banged this thing out. And it was a lot of fun.

And I have a special co-host on this one to make it more confusing for the listener. His name is also Sean, DC comedian, very funny guy. Sean Joyce is my special guest co-host because he hosted the show that we did with Sean and Jay. So yeah, very funny guy and he was nice enough to fill in. And yeah, you can check out Sean Joyce online. He's on Twitter. He is at underscore Sean Joyce. His website is undergroundcomedydc.com. And he runs a bunch of different shows in DC Tuesday through Sunday. Sean is running rooms where you can see live comedy Tuesday through Sunday. It's fucking

awesome. So make sure you go out and see a show if you're in the area and check out best bars in America. I don't know if Sean... They're shooting the second season, so I don't know if Sean Patton will be back for the third. But towards the end of the episode, we can get into it and just exactly how he feels about Best Bars in America. It was an awesome interview. Sean's a really, really nice guy. Very funny guy.

Big fan. And so, yeah, this was really cool. We talked about everything from high school to doing stand-up and, of course, Best Bars in America towards the end. And Sean Patton, for those that don't know, he's going to be the one talking about microphones at the beginning of the episode. His voice is going to be a little more hoarse, I think. And that's probably due to their grueling shooting schedule,

which he gets into where they're drinking at three bars a day and, you know, filming all day and all that stuff. So before we get into the episode, just a couple things to plug here at the Dig Sesh HQ. First of all, thank you for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, me, Josh Coderna, I am at Better Robot Josh. The podcast is at Dig Sesh Pod. My usual co-host is Mike Moran and you can find him he's at michael moran 10 uh we got some shows coming up this thursday i'll be at beer baron in dc doing stand-up and it's gonna be a halloween show so come dress up get into it all the comedians will be dressing up mike moran uh he'll be doing a similar thing this wednesday october 29th

at mcgoobies in balt And it's going to be, they're shooting something for like a horror movie. So yeah, so go to that. It'll be a fun kind of theme night thing. And then November 7th and 8th, I'll be hosting for Kevin Nealon at Magoobies as well in Baltimore. So come check that out.

What else we got to plug here? If I could plug our network, the Thundergrunt Podcast Network. Go to Thundergrunt.com to check out all if i could plug our network the thunder grunt podcast network go to thundergrunt.com to check out all the other podcasts on our network um thanks again to sean joyce for uh filling in his co-host this was awesome uh next week we're gonna have joe de rosa on the podcast and fingers crossed we get big old kevin nealon we're gonna try to land that whale hopefully he doesn't hear me call him a whale. Anyway, done rambling. Done.

Yeah, thanks to everybody for listening. This was a really fun episode. I hope we can keep getting some really cool bigger comedians on the show. And, yeah, that's the end of the rambling intro. Let's get into it. Let's talk to the Shons, shall we? All right, bye-bye. We love you.

You ever realize how often when you look at a microphone, first of all, how often do you ever actually look at the microphone? Not really. Unless you have a bit about the microphone. No one does because Unless you have a bit about the microphone. And you don't. No one does because then they'd have a bit where the microphone is a dick or a joint or a lever or a missile.

Let's see. I've seen them. A spear. I've seen a spear. Spears and sperms. Spears and sperms. Birds of prey. Right. Meteorites, comets. How do you do a bird of prey?

I saw a dude Dude, just use your imagination You're just hanging out All of a sudden a god damn falcon's coming at you Then you're like You're dodging that falcon And it's swooping Like so

For the audience listening I'm sure verbally they got that. I knew that it was a bad idea to ask what it looked like because nobody would see it, but I'm glad I asked because it does look like a bird of prey when you do that. It does, right? Yeah. I was completely convinced. All the things you see a football or any ball,-huh or any ball baseball not a basketball actually that's the one ball that's the one ball anyone use a microphone don't dribble the mic but yeah like

how often though when you look at your microphone are you do you ever you're like oh my god it's a microphone and then you like have that realization of oh yeah, I do this so much I don't even notice that I'm holding a microphone. Yeah, you just get right to it. You're not even looking at it when you grab it, really, even off the mic stand or anything. I'm looking at both of you with a microphone in your hand, and we just met. And I've now, probably at this point in our relationship, of the time you've been here in my room and a couple nights ago on the show,

I probably know you both better as people with microphones in their faces. Yeah, there's more time, yeah, more time has been spent talking into microphones than directly. Yeah. That is great. It's like, hey man, good set.

Okay, yeah, see you Thursday. All right. I'm starting to feel more comfortable in life just like this. Yeah. I just hold my hand up with no microphone now. Yeah, man. It's actually kind of cool.

It's actually, everyone should try this. Yeah. Just walk around. Yeah. Because you do feel like it's not just like, oh, hey, how are you? It's like, hey, how are you doing? It's official. Yeah.

How many times have you ever done a show, though, where the mic goes out and it's like a smaller room? So the host or the booker's like whatever we're still gonna do we can still do the show is everybody's user you know speaking use your thespian voice your ted talk with dick jokes right right and and how you see so many comics go up and just still use the mic yeah yeah because you're so used to having your hand like that. Yeah. So there's the thing. There's both.

I embrace the power of the mic, but I've done enough sets where I don't use a mic so where I can also relieve myself from the tyranny of the mic. Did you have to do that on any late night shows with no mic? I chose every late night set I've done, I've gone mic-less. Except for when I did a half hour. But yeah, on the late night sets, I always just felt like it's a gimmick. Because A, it is a gimmick. When you do a late night set, it's a mic.

They put the mic on you. You're wearing a live mic. That's the live mic. The mic you have in your hand is a dead mic. So it's a prop to begin with. It doesn't work. pound on it it won't make any sound right um and second they actually tell you in some late night sets avoid that don't do the do do do is this thing on yeah it's like i wasn't i mean don't close with your is this thing on joke sean that's like a bad sign if you've gotten to that point.

Also, just don't do that. Yeah, please. Even when you're not on the show. David Letterman doesn't like that. I just feel like it's like on late night, it's like, hey, you know what? No one else has a microphone. Yeah. Like, why the fuck should I? Mm-hmm.

You know? And if you write, I mean, but then again, I don't at all fault anyone else with using a microphone. Some people just, they fucking are better when they do. I mean, I've had some weird late night sets, so maybe I should have used a mic. What was the weird one? The most recent Conan I did was pretty bad, actually. Really?

Yeah, I didn't like it. I didn't think so. Why? I mean, it wasn't like, it just, I told, I did one story, and it's something I've been doing for years and years and years, and everyone always enjoyed it, and I enjoy the shit out of it. But just for some reason, it just, well, not for some reason, just, you know, late night, the thing about doing stand-up late night is it is a strange, it's never normal. It's always a ferociously awkward situation well conan seems

weird too because are you facing the audience are you facing the camera no no you're facing actually conan's setup is a lot more natural than well no it's not exactly true it's very it's a lot more natural than you would think though yes you are facing they actually moved the mark so that you'd be closer to the audience oh that's smart but they are you know it's just a you know and i after you have a bad set on coney you try and blame it on a thousand different things like you know the ceilings are too high it's a weird studio it's pretty bright in there too bright yeah freezing in there i think the nor'easter was coming through you can find a dozen reasons yeah but like mainly, mainly it was just one of those sets where like, I came

out, I think I started too fast and I just never connected with the audience. And it was just sort of like, I got through it and got, you know, I wouldn't say I bombed but it was definitely not good. Like, to the fact where the booker

who is, at this point now, a buddy of mine, like I've known him for a few years. He's booked me to do the show twice. You know, he's a very affable, like, you know, friendly dude. And he still, he wasn't mean, but he didn't like, you fucking, you fucking ruined us both, Patton. You're done. But he did say the thing that people say to you after you do something that isn't and it's not good, but where they don't want to be the first to tell you that it wasn't good. He said, how did you feel about that?

Yeah. Which is the ultimate. Like the psychiatrist flipping it on you. Exactly. How do you feel? How did you feel about that? And he said, hey, man, how did you feel about that? And it was like, I had to be like, oh, good.

You know, I did. And I didn't at all say what i was feeling sure yeah if i said what i was feeling i would just dropped to my knees i wouldn't you know what i would have done i probably fainted it's like oh i got the vapors i felt good about it i felt really good you're just crying on your knees well it's got to be harder too when you're doing a story because you can't really like bail or like like all right, on to the next thing. Here's the truth. On the WB set, this set, by the way, was coming up on a year ago. Okay.

It was November 12, 2013. And that was another thing. I thought I requested that date when he asked me if I wanted to do it again I requested that date just because I thought it would be cool to do it on 11-12-13 you jinxed yourself exactly that's a jinx man you should have known that but I fucking

Conan shoots on the Warner Brothers lot if you've never been on a lot in Hollywood it's exactly how you imagine just dozens of studios. Yeah. You know, each one a different show. So Conan shoots, I think, on stage 14 across the parking lot is where the Pete Holmes show was shooting at the time.

And Bill Burr, who is my favorite comedian, is. Sean and I aren't offended, by the way. Yeah. You shouldn't be even if you guys even but burr's the kind of guy where even if people are like i don't get him i'm like i don't i'm like you know what i'm never gonna say anything oh i'd love he's amazing it's like some people i know some guys who would be like what you don't like bar you're fucking ignorant and i'm like if you don't like bar you're just that tells me everything i need to know about you right right you're missing out because you don't get it means you don't

appreciate the anger of the white man which has it's like that's what i love about him so much is like he is he's one of the most open-minded friendly guys you'll ever meet and he'll flip the fuck out and it's it's and it's still like you know it's not there's nothing he oh man he just he can get away with anything and it makes me so jealous but it's also because he's earned his stripes he's been at it for so long yeah but he just he like he like him venting it makes me feel better as a human even if i don't 100 agree with him yeah on what he's venting about i'm still just like ah but he's getting it up like you gotta respect a guy who will just fucking say it to uncooked unprepared just i mean obviously written into a bit yeah but the actual emotion

itself and feeling is raw and i fucking love that about Bill. But Bill, that same day, was taping. He was a guest on the Pete Holmes show. But he had like two hours to kill. So he walked over to the Conan stage and was like, Hey, I'm fucking going to watch you do your set. And I was like, I wish to God I would have never known that. Because he watched it from the green room. And afterwards was like, Hey, man, that was a funny story.

Being really nice. He was a nice guy. But he knew as well as I did. Is that running through your mind when you're doing the set like god i wish bill fucking burr wasn't watching the tv like he bill's being there was like number 15 on my list of things yeah right um because that was yeah but i mean yeah whatever you get over you get one out the way you know yeah you know what i think about with bill burr all the time is i think about him sometimes his girlfriend gets mad at him or i guess are they married now yeah but they i think they are but he would talk about on his podcast how he would do stuff at parties sometimes and they would get into fights

because he would say shit it would offend a bunch of people right it would cause a problem and i'm like bill burr does this sometimes it's okay that i do this too i don't have to be perfect bill burr is causing problems he deals with he used to apologize he's gotta he's gotta sit there and think about the shit that he said that he wish he didn't say in front of certain people like even everybody has to worry about what they say even though he's he seems like he can say anything right there's still parts of his life where he's got to pull back and just think about what he said. Because people reacted to it. And in stand-up, he can say anything.

He's got everybody behind him supporting his art. But in real life, when he's talking to people, he's got to... Or to strangers. It's like, Jesus Christ, what's your problem? But yeah, with his bits, he even opens with a really strong line you don't even agree with. Of course. It's like, well, women aren't equal. Not allowed to hear me out.

And then by the end, you're like, he's got a point, you know? So you don't think women are equal, Josh? No, of course. Which brings us to our next segment, Women Aren't Equal. The Women Aren't Equal Hour. Yeah. No, the fuck. With Josh Kuderna.

The, uh... I just want to make that noise for a minute. No, it's funny because, yeah, uh, I shouldn't make that noise for me. No, it's funny because, yeah, man, I mean, especially today, in today's society, where it's like, it's almost like the general consensus is to be over the top PC, almost in a way to compensate for years of no political correctness. Right.

But I don't feel like it's really helping because like the term racist gets thrown around a lot and you want to be like you understand do you know what racist the definition of racism is because it comes a point where you're shouting wolf after a while right and something you know i mean because like if if if you point out like for example if i see this this is gonna be good no this is a good one this black guy over here who haven't talked to at all yet no no there's a there's a there's a no there's a there's a comedian in new york named uh michael che who you guys yeah now everybody knows he's super famous great you know that guy he's i've heard people try and shit on him be like

whatever man he's only been doing stand-up for five years like yeah well some people get it faster yeah might be fucking great yeah new uh host of weekend update yeah he's awesome great guy too very chill i saw him once uh stick up for it was actually a pretty we're at a bar in new york and there was some girl who earlier in the night, he had, you know, had a drink and had a flirtatious or a friend, who knows. They were just chatting, friendly. And then Mike had other friends there, and he was talking to them. And he noticed a much older guy, like, kind of getting up on this girl.

None of us really noticed that happened. And Michael did. He walked over, and he stood up for her. Just was like, hey, man, I don't think she likes having you know i don't think i don't think she likes having uh your hands all over her and the guy said something to michael none of us really heard and but the girl clearly made it clear like no you're right dude i don't want this guy's hands all over me it's freaking me out and michael just like got between him and like you know he's a not a small guy. He's like a six foot two,

very fit fellow. He got up in the guy's face and the guy left the bar. That's what kind of guy he is. Grew up in Jersey. But anyway, I thought I saw Michael Che. I was like, where's the racist thought? Exactly.

And I go, and I'm sorry. I'm so racist for that. That doesn't sound racist at all. I think people are over'm sorry. I'm so racist for that. Like, that's not racist at all. Call me racist. I think people are overreacting. Why do they keep calling you racist? You know what, though? You're making a point.

The way it's going now, in five years, it will be considered racist for a white person to talk about a black person, no matter what the context. It's kind of fucked up, dude. Right. It's fucked up that you're white and you're talking about something a black guy did. Yeah. It's a long, like, okay, but I saw but I was in Brooklyn and I thought I saw Che. I thought I saw him.

I was like, oh, it's Che. And it wasn't. Right. And then the guy I was with was like, that's racist, dude. You think all black people look alike? Wow. I'm like, no, I don't. I do not think all black people look alike.

I do, however, think that black people only look like other fucking black people. Like, how is it? That's the thing where it's like that one leave that one let that one go right nobody fucking thinks black people all like it happens to me all the time i get called fucking galifianakis just because you have a beard and i'm not and i'm not at all doing that thing because i hate that thing when white guys try and compare their plight to black guys it's just a a thing that, like, get over it. Like, white people, because black people don't seem to be getting offended by that one.

And also, you can clearly tell, it's not that I think you look alike because you're black. I think you look alike because you're black. Because you're fucking black guys. Yeah, I remember there was a Mexican guy, like, is that Michael Chek? Like, there's a comedian, he lives in Kansas City now, brilliant fucking guy named Chris Cubis. Mm-hmm. You know who that is? I've heard the name. I've heard the name also.

Yeah, I've heard the name, but I can't picture him. But people always mistake him for Reggie Watts. Oh, okay. But even like Chris himself said, well, he is a large black guy with a giant fucking afro in a comedy setting. Right. You know, it's one of those things where it's like, it's not racist. Right. Racial, maybe? Yeah. afro yeah in a comedy setting right you know it's one of those things like it's not racist racial maybe yeah but like race the definition of racism is with negative connotation attached or being hateful but if you look similar right yeah and if it but or if it's just like you can't

you're at something there's some and it's specifically white people we all know this who are almost asking all races to kind of homogenize and ignore their own individuality and be like, no, you should acknowledge racism when it happens to you. Okay? If a white guy says you're good at basketball and you're a black guy, even if you're actually playing basketball when it happens, and he goes, man, you're great at basketball, that's racism.

He's probably saying that. That's a stereotype. Exactly. It's like, man, you're great at basketball. That's racism. He's probably saying that. Exactly. It's like, no, that's not what's happening. But that's going to hurt the cause in the long run. And I think Burr, making a full circle, is one of those guys, one of those unique voices who can make you understand the holes in logic

and patch them holes up and be more logical. Yeah, yeah. And he is such a smart guy, too. I mean, there's that anger there, but that's just to mask, I think, the larger points that he's trying to make. He knows how to do it. I just stay away from basketball courts. I don't go near watermelons.

I don't do anything that's got any past racial connotations. I just stay away from it. Weekend update? Don't even watch it. You're done with it now. Stop it. I can't. I just don't go. I just stay away from it. Weekend update. Don't even watch it. No, I stopped. I can't. I don't know.

I don't want to be. I don't want to watch it like racially. I might do it wrong. Yeah. Why take the chance? Exactly. I'm just going to stay here with you guys. I'm very comfortable.

I can't cause any problems here. We can just talk about our stuff and we're not going to have any problems. Right. We're just comfortable. We're just three white guys just hanging out. We don't have to worry about anything. Finally, right? Well, I noticed you shave your head like black guys do. I know.

Is that because you think you're black? It's a... Hold on, what's the right answer? What's the right answer? Exactly. I'm trying to think. I'm like, wait, should I be... Is that...

Because I don't want to say that I don't want to be like black people. Right, because I could be... I want to be like black people if they want me to. Right. Or not because I don't want to say that I don't want to be like black people. Right. Because I want to be like black people if they want me to. Right. Or not. I don't know. What am I supposed to do?

If I know. Whatever you guys think. If I say no, is it racist because I'm saying no? But if I say yes, is it racist because then I'm saying the only way white people can succeed in life is if they're actually a white person like me? I'm just trying to stay on the right side of history. Yeah, that's a smart bet right there. Yeah, but I mean, you guys are in DC.

This is where safe, everything's cool and friendly here, right? Nobody. Yeah, everything's fine here. It's very politically correct here. Yeah. People are very sensitive. Origin of politics in the United States or close to that. Yeah, it's very politically correct here yeah people are very sensitive origin of politics in the united states or close to that yeah it's funny yeah it's like political but everyone that lives

here is liberal i mean right there's i mean there are there's like pockets of conservative people but not a lot there's no mix in that much and you just don't run into conservative people in dc no and if anything if like the the liberal, especially comedy shows, sometimes even a big hunt like in DuPont Circle, they're like, well, he said black person. Yeah. Don't say it. No, it's not racist. Just if I say, oh, this guy was black.

You can't even say gay. Yeah. No, don't say gay. They'll pull back. Don't say black. Yeah. Definitely. Don't say gay black.

Unless you're pointing out how brave that you wish. I wish you are brave. You wish you are. I wish I was a gay black man. I wish I were as brave as a gay black. Unless you're pointing out how brave you wish you were. I wish I was a gay black man. I wish I were as brave as a gay black. Black people aren't allowed to even talk about being black half the time in DuPont, in this part of the city. It happens. They're like, I'm allowed to talk about it. I'm black. And they're like, everyone's like, not comfortable.

Please talk about something else you know what that's the fucking thing that bothers me about a lot of it is like who where is it written that everyone gets to be comfortable all the fucking time yeah like that's where it's like sometimes you gotta be a little uncomfortable yeah here what's really going on to hear a point yeah to hear what is possibly the truth like i hate that like i'm uncomfortable so therefore you need to change what you're doing it's like no i'm not i'm very comfortable everyone else seems to be fine yeah yeah why don't you adjust you're the only one it's also the only way you think about anything when you start to feel uncomfortable you wonder why oh never mind

i thought that was the fucking it sounded like a pc police police Oh yeah we're fucking shut down I told you man I told you not to talk about this stuff here It's not acceptable Eyes and ears all over this place You guys have offended You guys are under Confiscated

Racist podcast You're going into comfortable jail So how long have you been in DC Just for the week No we got here on fucking what's today thursday we got here on monday night when was the show tuesday yeah yeah we got here on tuesday like afternoon and then we leave monday all right on so it's just i don't come to dc as much as i would like to to be honest like i do i've done a fest i did a festival here and my shows were at the dc improv years ago and then i did this really bad room i don't know what it's like now i can't wait i can't wait But it was last summer. It was called like F18 or F Stop 18 or maybe.

Was it in the city? It's in the city. I haven't even heard of that. It was basically this. It was my agent contacted me. He was like, look, Arlington Draft House is trying to open up or help open up the second comedy show. It's in the city on F Street. I remember that much.

They put you up at a hotel. Is it a living social thing? Yes. Yeah. And it was like the second on F Street. I remember that much. They put you up at a hotel. Is it a living social thing? Yes. Yeah. And it was like the second floor. There's windows. Yeah. It was real bad.

Was it? I never got to see one of those shows. They did them for a little bit. Living Social was trying to get into events. Yeah. And they had this comedy series. And I think the Draft house was helping them out, booking it.

But I never heard about how it went, but I think that's over with. I don't think they do that anymore. Everything about that place was nice, very nice building. Yeah. But the show was on like the fourth floor. They had windows,

which is just weird in a comedy setting. Oh, yes. Yeah, like open windows. And it was one of those situations where like, you know, if you're going to in a comedy setting. Oh, yes. Yeah, like open windows. And it was one of those situations where like, you know, if you're going to be a comedy space, you need to have an identifiable audience. I think that's just how it needs to be. And they were just clearly like,

these people all want tickets off of some podcast. It's comedy night. What it was for them is they're just a group that's just trying to do stuff in dc and they were like what is a thing we can have and they're like comedy is a thing that people go to yeah they don't know anything about comedy they're not comedy people they're just like we're events people let's throw an event right like it'll be a comedy show yeah but they don't know anything about comedy and i guess they i guess they didn't have enough input from the Drafthouse people.

Or maybe they didn't listen to them. Sometimes people ask me for input. I tell them what to do. They don't listen to me, and then the show's no good. And I'm like, well, yeah, you shouldn't have a comedy show like that. But if that's what you want to do, that's what you want to do. Yeah, dude. It's amazing. It's amazing that that even still exists because that happens a lot around the country.

But yeah, those shows were fucking rough. Oh, you had to do multiple shows there? Three. I had to do one. Wow. I did one Friday and two Saturdays. Wow. That's crazy.

It was a contract, so it was like I had to do three shows. And then it was that thing where like – Was there a crowd? All three shows were like 70% full. Okay. And that room could maybe seat 200. Okay. Maybe.

But they were not good audiences. They were just too like – It would always be the same thing where by the end of my set, I was playing to three tables. Really? You know what I'm saying? Not like people walked out, just meaning like – They they just couldn't focus everyone else had clocked out and it was like all right that table in the back likes me this table front left likes me and that table in the

far right i think they like me or they're watching a youtube video i don't know i'm just gonna pretend like it's me it's unbelievable the the difference in a group of people that intentionally went to see a comedy show because they like stand-up comedy or they like a particular person compared to people that are like, oh, someone suggested that we go here. If you get a whole room full of people that don't really know, there's not a mass of people that are all there for the same thing. It can be bad yeah and they're living social is normally like hey uh kickball for adults no it's living social now they're like the whole point of living social is is to try new things yeah they're like here's a new thing guidance counselors basically yeah and then they probably don't want to laugh at some shit that

you're talking about you know what i mean like if they're just like, oh, I don't find that funny. Oh, because they're not. And they're all there in a group. Exactly. So you have that dynamic going against you. Yeah, worried about what their friends think. Exactly. Like, oh, I don't think anal sex is funny.

That's nothing to talk about. And black people and anal sex? I don't think so. Do you guys have trouble socializing? No. You don't strike me as guys who have trouble socializing. That kind of shit just seems very weird to me like who like to be like oh we don't know what to do yeah yeah let's join a group or hire this yeah should we knit in the park one week all right i guess we should that kind of

shit's just fucking strange to me man that's that's that just but that just goes back to the like i mean with the exception of like people who are mentally ill or physically handicapped you know like there's certain there's certain people who it's like yeah that's a segue for you yeah i start all my jokes with that let's leaving aside mentally ill people people living socials were retarded people what's your next question mentally ill mentally handicapped physically handicapped disease people who actually need care and yeah a lot of people there's that there's that rat there's that just whole like chunk of the population where it's like just fucking just do it slap yourself in the face do whatever whatever you got to do. Get over it. You're a whiny puss.

Stop it. Why can't you do shit right? Just go. Doesn't have to be right. Just do it. Yeah. You know, like, you can't make, I can't make friends. Go fucking make friends.

Mm-hmm. You know, like, I'm offended. Stop it. Yeah. Tell me why and man up and tell, I'm just, I'm afraid. What are you afraid of, really? Mm-hmm. You know, and everyone, like, it's just, like, fucking come on.

Maybe that could be your show. You just slap people. They bring them to you. You give them a pep talk, slap in the face, then they walk off, and then they go out to life. Yeah, you become a motivational speaker. I would rather them watch me slap myself in the face every morning because, believe me, that's me until I slap my face. But it works. You're like, just get out of bed.

I wake up, I'm like, why do I have to get out of bed? I'm sweepy. I'm scared. I wish everything was easy. Slap. Okay. Sean was this close to playing kickball in the quad today. Buddy.

I don't know. The quad, will they judge me? Yeah. Well, no, it's very supportive. There's no strikes. There's no outs. We're all getting trophies afterwards. It's so fucking ridiculous, man.

It's like that society wants to create, we want to create a civilization where no one gets hurt, no one feels uncomfortable, no one gets offended, where instead we should just be creating a society where people learn how to stand up and be strong in the face of being offended or being hurt or being uncomfortable thus canceling out yeah those three things instead of making them so powerful because we're trying to no no don't acknowledge it and it's not right if

someone else does it should be the other way where it's like oh what is that something yeah scary or mean fuck it yeah and then it's like oh i just don't want that in my life. And then you continue. Yeah, and it doesn't hurt. It also doesn't hurt my life. No. I also... Did you see that some woman in Florida got Toys R Us to pull Breaking Bad toys out of Toys R Us? Just because one woman complained.

Why do they have Breaking Bad toys? Yeah, I don't know why they have those now. It's like the little miniature meth lab. I don't know. What is the toy? Now with the smoking RV. Yeah. No, it's like the characters. I lab. I don't know. What is the toy? Now with the smoking RV. Yeah. No, it's like the characters.

I guess they do have guns and shit, but it's no different than like G.I. Joe's. Why is there? There should have been Toys R Us. Yeah, that should, I mean. But it was one woman. Yeah. One woman.

I think that was like a complaining litmus test. Yeah. Let's see how fast we can get to the point. Yeah, right. Yeah, that is. Yeah, that's a test.mus test. Yeah. Let's see how fast we can get through the complaint. Yeah, that is. Yeah, that's a test. No way. Let's see how the puppets.

Because I agree with the existence of those. Yeah. I just don't. Because that's funny. That's like a funny, just add water. Watch balls. Yeah.

Blue smokes coming out. They're like, yay. But yeah, still, it's like- Comes with candy blue crystals. Yeah. Just don't buy it for your kids it's not like they're going in there to get them i mean people and people think without their opinion some things will never change right right yeah i need to stand up against these breaking bad toys

right that's ridiculous that's also interesting going back to something you guys said earlier how here in dc everyone's liberal that should be like a point that liberals make during, like, just like, oh, by the way, in the headquarters of the nation, 90% liberal. Just want to point that out again. Yeah. But anyway, you were saying, what should we do? And then, but then the counter argument would be like, well, and that's what's wrong with the country. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Do you think, though, that, do you think that there are things that are happening that are, that are fucked up? Do you think that there is, like, a systematic discrimination against women or, and against black people or any minority that, where there are people that are saying, like, like, for instance, you know, a lot of attention gets paid now to like the violence against like young black teenagers. That didn't happen before. And that's kind of an Internet thing. It's kind of a new thing. It's like a blogger, like, you know, blogger posting on social media thing. Right. And to me, that seems like a good thing. It seems like, oh, you know, I didn't realize these dudes were getting shot for doing nothing.

I didn't really know all about that. But now I'm conscious of it. And sometimes, you know, I understand. I mean, I understand the annoying bloggers. Well, sure. But I also think part of it. But I also think that there's I think that there's good parts to that. I think that there's good.

Oh, sure. To raise awareness of i mean even uh and and like of sexism is kind of like an an easy one i think that i think it's true you know i think a lot of it is true and i think it's can be helpful i think it's like a give and take like i think some of it's good and it pushes it you know it pushes it one direction and then you have a conversation about it you think about it i think no i i agree with you i mean there's definitely good and bad whenever there's an emergence of some sort of informational outlet you know what i mean there's definitely especially one like the internet which is completely unchecked which is what we love

about it yeah yeah um but i mean that's that's what's that's what's here's a fucking frightening fact right part of the reason the internet is so advanced is because of child pornographers. Really? A friend of mine, he's a code writer and a firewall guy. He's like an internet guy. I was wondering where that friend of mine thing was going to go. I got this guy. If you need something.

Not me. The way he explained it to me is that the reason child porn sites were even able to exist is because they're not on a.com or a.net or a.biz. It's like a. series of numbers that changes constantly. Some weird shadow internet. Wow. So these guys were constantly creating these, like you just said, shadow URLs.

Yeah. And, you know, hackers and the government are constantly chasing them down. And as they chase down and catch each one of these, they learn more and more and push the envelope of the internet further. So it's one of those sick fucking dichotomies where it's like,

well, because of child pornography, we have Twitter, basically. You know what I mean? If you really think about it, it's a balance. So next time you enjoy Twitter, just remember what the fuck it came from. Next time you read a tweet from Anonymous and are so happy that they can do what they do, realize that it's because of child pornography. You're into child pornography, you fucking asshole.

It's that good with the bad situation. But no, man, you're 100% right. I mean, all the exposure of ferguson and all the expert like those fucking teenage those fucking high school kids who videotaped themselves fucking that raping that yeah who were all in prison yeah that shit wouldn't be out there like thank god for the internet and yeah like because those kids wouldn't have had phones with cameras on them in the past and that shit would have that shit did happen and nobody knew about it and now it's like now everybody can get a beat into their head earlier in life that like hey yeah it's not that's not maybe we never talked about this but

let's real quick go over it yeah not cool don't do the gang rape yeah yeah that's not a cool thing activity and that's an interesting conversation too because you hear people when they were all getting sentenced there was that small majority or manure that small majority yo small majority okay small majority that is an oxymoron you know what is not an oxymoron jumbo shrimp because here's the reason yeah here we go now it's getting real finally we get to the real shit. People say jumbo shrimp is an oxymoron. No, motherfuckers. Shrimp, the actual shellfish.

It's been on his mind for a long time. Yeah. Sean is standing up now. I'm standing up to this. Looking out the window at the Capitol. Shouting this. You hear me, Obama? Pissing on what Americans like. Now, shrimp were around before they were used as a metaphor on an American flag. No. Shrimp were around before they

were used as a metaphor to describe something small. Right. See what I'm saying? It had the name first. Exactly. So there you go. Jumbo shrimp is an actual just a fucking large shrimp. Alright. Hey, I don't condone the things you're saying on this podcast. When I say small majority, huge,

huge oxymoron. No, there was those people who'd be like, well, they're just kids. Why do they get sentenced to life? It's like, A, they're not fucking kids. They're 17. Yeah. And B, your goddamn moral compass should kick in way before that. Like, way before that.

I'm sorry. Like, if you're 17 years old and you don't, I don't give a fuck how much natural ice you've drank. I don't give a shit how fucked up you are. Hey. If you're 17 years old and you don't i don't give a fuck how much natural ice you've drank i don't give a shit how fucked up you are hey if you're 17 years old are you on natural ice right now i don't care how fucking cool you're trying to be and who you're trying to impress right like but if you can't stop yourself when it's like hey inserting my penis into this unconscious woman's probably virgin vagina is wrong yeah if that doesn't

if something doesn't kick in yeah so i'm not spiking you're you're a rotten egg you're fucking yeah you are default defective man yes oh totally to the factory yeah and it's not sorry that's gonna be the only time that happens it's like and then he became a lawyer like it was just no he would just go on to do that shit at college. Exactly. It would just get worse and worse. It's like there is that balance, too, of like, no, I don't believe in the death penalty. Right. But I do believe in lifelong incarceration for rapists, regardless of how young they are when they do it. Oh, yeah. Under whatever bullshit circumstances they cry about being under, you know?

Oh, totally. No, you got to be pulled out of the general pop. You fucked up. And put into the general pop. Yeah, the other general population of your cohorts. Yeah, I'm not afraid to admit this. Go ahead, buddy. But I'm a racist.

But I do, yeah. I do have some moments in my past when I think back to being like a teenager when I was kind of an asshole. Yeah. But I didn't, you know it's like what what what was my moral compass at the time how big of an asshole yeah what's what's the incident you're referring to the thing that i feel most guilty about yeah was and this wasn't my idea i like that we can hear I don't know if the podcast is here but there's definitely cop cars yeah what there was

they would I this is super gay by itself but I played volleyball in high school you're a tall guy you got probably some jump

yeah very yeah get in there I got excellent fundamentals in volleyball but I played volleyball when we would not we

these guys thought it was they the thing was when we would, not we, these guys thought it was, their thing was when they would haze the freshmen and they would put their ass on their face. Yeah. And this one time I held down a kid while another dude put his ass on the kid's face, which I only did one time. Yeah. But I think back on that and i'm like that was pretty fucked up

now let me ask you this did you ever get an ass on your face no because i did not play when i was a freshman i started when i was a sophomore and i just missed okay i just missed it because i was gonna say they might have created a monster with that process you know i think that didn't last very long i think that that did not happen a whole lot like i don't think it happened for that long and i think it was just like two guys that were really into doing it while no it's this thing that we do we put our asses on their faces while you were holding that kid down yeah for another kid to put his ass on his face yeah were there other kids ain't raping him no as well no see not that bad but i still feel bad about it though but I still feel bad about it I'm like

That was a fucked up thing That's a fucked up thing To do to somebody If we did that to you right now Yep If we recreated that moment That is the closing segment If that erased it from my past

I would do it You're even I would be into it If I could If that If it made that never happen I'd let it happen to me To make it go away

Yeah Karmically you're even at that point We all do Like when I was 17 Yeah Me, myself and two guys I knew I'd let it happen to me to make it go away. Karmically, you're even at that point. We all do. When I was 17, me, myself, and two guys I knew, we played mailbox baseball. Oh, yeah. Driving around, hitting mailboxes. The guy driving, his name was Tommy.

The last house we hit at like 4.30 or 5 in the morning, it was 5 in the morning, was a girl who had broken his heart's mailbox. As we fucking did it, her dad happened to be walking outside saw it happen and saw tommy's car recognized it right called tommy's house on like this was in 1997 yeah just called his fucking his parents were out of town yeah that's where we went back to because we knew we had just been caught called his house on fucking repeat i finally answered and pretended to be Tommy's dad. Oh, yeah. I'm pissed about it. And told him that I was angry, too, and that it wasn't Tommy in the car.

It was these two other kids. They were black. No, no. It was two guys who I knew sort of from high school, but they both lived in my neighborhood, and I just kind of knew them both. Right. And I just completely dropped the dime on them. Oh, shit. It was these two guys they stole time they took tommy's car without

telling me we got it back i know it's a real i'm you know awful situation kids what are you gonna do hung up i the guy believed me enough i gave him their phone numbers because i knew their phone numbers i was like i'm gonna let you call because you know they got i got my prop my son's property back what they did to you i know and those two kids went through a world of fucking shit. Wow. Because I turned into a turncoat snitch just to save our own ass. That's pretty bad. Does it eat you up?

Yeah. It ate me up for a while. And in fact, one of those guys, I ended up giving the best man speech at his wedding a decade later. Really? Does he know? He knows. Okay, yeah. And that was part of the fun of just being like,

you know, man, I hope that this marriage is as good to you as I was bad to you as a friend over a decade ago. Yeah, I... You're just crying.

I'm sorry. When I ratted you out for something you didn't do. But yeah, we all do awful, awful shit. I can think of... There's like 10 things in life that I did. Yeah. I can think of, there's like 10 things in life that I did.

Yeah. I can just remember those moments where I'm like, that was the wrong thing. I think I did the wrong thing. Yeah. I've forgotten about a lot of them. I mean, but high school, I remember we rubbed shit, human shit on this kid's door.

And I feel so bad about that. Like, door to his house? Yeah. Like, that his parents live at. And, you know, it's just like, that's not right. As a parent, you got to be like, ah, they went with that shit on the door, Rick. You know, kids are getting more sophisticated.

Weed-a-gone dog, maybe even horse. But human. This is human. These kids are good. We have it in their fingers. We used to egg people's houses. Yeah, we did that too. And then my friends were trying to step it up.

Then we started throwing pomegranates at people's houses. And then my friend was like, let's do cantaloupe. And so he gets a cantaloupe. What the fuck? We go to this other kid in our grade's house. Yeah, and he throws a cantaloupe at the house. It just goes straight through the fucking window. Just like a cannonball, right through the window.

And he's like, holy shit! And we just take off. We're like, that was a mistake. Cantaloupe, not an okay replacement for eggs what a weird thing to throw through a window like the dad came home

and was like what the fuck happened here whole cantaloupe sitting on the floor yeah he's like Jesus fucking angry about that

but he picks the cantaloupe puts it in the fridge we're gonna eat that it's not bad it's good it's a free cantaloupe you know I don't like the delivery system

but it's free everyone everyone likes melon White people, black people I'm not being racist I'm just pointing it out There was a fucking kid in high school That me and two of my best friends

For like three and a half months We rolled his house Once a week And we would vary up the night What does that mean roll his house Toilet paper We thought he was such a fucking goober And he wasn't like a nerdy guy

We were picking on He was like a cool kid He was like a preppy dude We just thought he was a piece of shit Thus getting us to toilet paper Because you're a piece of shit We're going to roll your house We started doing it

We did it two times in a row on a Tuesday at like midnight and then we suspected he was on to us because the third time we go the lights are on so we're like let's go back in two days and then we seriously like crafted a schedule and we changed times and we would do it sometimes we would all sneak out and meet at like 3 30 in the morning to do it right sometimes we do it at midnight you know we yeah yeah we did it fucking fast every time. And then finally, dude, I mean, I'm talking like months, like weeks and weeks of like, and it wasn't like we covered the house.

We mainly just did the tree, but we made sure to do his car. We made sure to always get shit on his car. And he never parked it in the garage. We don't know why. We still don't know what was in that garage. But it was always on the street. It's probably like it's unpredictable. I don't know when the fuck it don't know what was in that garage. But it was always on the street. It's unpredictable. I don't know when the fuck it's going to happen. What am I supposed to do?

And then he fucking hired a security guard. Which, not an actual security guard. We suspect it was like his uncle. Right. Or like a family friend. Who just had it. Well, it was just a guy who would sit on the front porch. And he didn't have a gun or anything. Smoking a cigarette. Yes. Smoking cigarettes.

He definitely had a baseball bat. Sometimes it was like a golf club. And there was just a guy there. And it was like, all right. And he would be there. It was like two weeks straight he was there. And then one time we're just kind of driving by. And seriously, we're fucking doing this like private detective style.

We're at the end of this cul-de-sac. We see him walk to his car which because it's just the way the parking was was like around the corner out of sight of the house and we were like holy shit so as soon as he went back to the house we fucking made our way shifty around and rolled his car oh because he couldn't see it doing it happened meaning that when he went in his car that morning when he got off fucking duty yeah car was rolled like a message yeah oh shit don't try to don't try to secure this residence yeah exactly right they were here exactly do you have any idea how many classes i failed because of that because of that three months of focusing yeah yeah you're just drawing up plans constantly

late night stakeouts yeah you're like you're just looking at all the times where they leave the house that you've marked down you're trying to get their get all the routines down yeah and you're smoking cigarettes too stressing out like that gotta happen now that was like three months and then i ended up having to go to summer school and i was like well that was because i had my summer just adding i had my fun already you're just working out the toilet paper budget all the time you're like what is your allowance you put it in your spreadsheet

figuring out physics of like the trajectory the time it would take hang time when it's colder does it move faster right right right we all do awful things oh as teenagers yeah it's colder, does it move faster? Right, right, right. Yeah, dude. I mean, yeah, we all do awful things in Iceland.

Oh, as teenagers? Yeah, it's the worst shit. But it's also like, that's the thing about bullying. I'm glad there's more attention focused on that, too. I'm glad there's more like, don't fucking bully. Right. You know what I mean? But the truth is, the only way you can really sort of police that is it's almost like you want to, I don't want to say fight fire with fire.

Yeah. But fight fire with like a hot stone. Right. Well, it's kind of like you were saying, like, have a spine. Yeah. Stick up for yourself a little bit. Right, right. Like, there is sort of, but no, also, like, no, I no I mean like I would fucking love

like my little brother's 14 years younger than me oh yeah that's right yeah I remember on your album the the memory race thing

and well now he's 21 now he's in college and he was never like a nerd or anything but he also wasn't like popular he was just one of those just like guys

middle of the road everyone liked him guys guys that was the road. Everyone liked him. Guys. Guys. That was the thing. Nobody remembered him. That's all he said. But I think because of that, he became just an exceptional person after high school.

Okay. Because if someone's super popular in high school, that ruins you. You're peaking way too early. Right. He was just chilled out, smoked a lot of bud, but got good grades, got into a good school. Now he's an exceptional human being. Nice. He was never picked on much when he was younger or anything like that.

But believe you me, there was one time where he was like 16 where he told me about these two dudes. I just fucked with them all the time in high school. And eventually he just ignored them and they stopped. Because he's kind of a big guy. And he's like, that's the problem is they're both like younger, smaller guys who just want to fuck with me because I'm taller now. i'm taller now yeah they're like trying to like you know we want to fucking beat up say something daniel say something you know just guys fuck with

believe you me man that was you know five years ago i remember being like i would give i would love nothing more than to grab like two fucking guys i know like the biggest guys i know and go down to that fucking high school and scare the shit out of them. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, no. Frighten them both.

Oh, definitely. And to me, that's like... Oh, you can get it if you want. Pause it. That is my girlfriend in London who is trying to FaceTime me right now, and I told her I couldn't do it yet. So anyway. But yeah, you know what I mean?

That's what I mean by active, not just people being like, hey, bullying isn't cool. Right. But active, straight up vigilance against it. Oh, yeah, yeah. If you're like 25 and you see a kid get picked on and he's 16, go over there and stand up for that fucking kid. Oh, yeah, yeah. Right. If you're like a fucking, if you're like 25. Yeah. And you see a kid get picked on and he's 16. Go over there and stand up for that fucking kid. Oh, hell yeah. No, because that's going to teach that kid not to fuck with him too.

Yeah. Because they think they're at the top of the food chain. Right. You're like, nah. Then you and your buddies rolling in the Camaro in leather jackets. Yeah. I mean, I remember my, one of the greatest fucking things ever is my best friend, my age, his name's Darius, his sister is two years older, and she's a fucking spark plug, just demon wind of hurricane

power for it. Like, she's a great, great person. She's older now. She's mellowed out. But she was one of those girls who was just like, fuck you, fuck everything. Not sexually, just actually like, I don't give a shit yeah get in my face loud nothing was just a total like dragon in a huge body fuck everybody i'm gonna do my thing when we were seniors my friend darius having a party yeah and this thug dude this you know ryan fandal was his name doesn't matter his

name is ryan he showed up shout out to right but this big like huge thug in slidell louisiana white guy by the way uh parents are both doctors shows up just like yo and he's got his crew and it's that kind of thing you remember those parts in high school it's like oh that person's presence just ruins Yeah Everything about this And we were all just like This fucking sucks Like he's here Everybody's freaked out Walking on eggshells

People are trying to leave Right right right They're Bogart and the keg And he's like what what You don't want to hang out Just being a fucking asshole And Scheherazade Who had come home

Early from college Uh huh For that summer Yeah And she had a shaved head And she's like a little girl Uh huh And told her the situation

She's like what Fuck that And she like steam rolls over to him And gets in his face Really And he gets back in hers And she's yelling Suck my dick

Like G.I. James Right With the shaved head and everything And then She fucking pushes him in the pool And he can't swim What She fucking pushes him in the pool

It's only a nine foot pool Yeah And she pushes him in the pool He's him And all his boys start freaking out Like yo man he can't swim. What? She fucking pushes him in the pool. It's only a nine-foot pool. Yeah. She pushes him in the pool. Him and all his boys start freaking out. Like, yo, man, he can't swim. Yo, man, he can't swim. And they're, like, fucking reaching out to help him. And everyone watched this happen.

And when he got out of the pool, by the time he got out, like, it was just, it was one of those things where it's like, dude, don't act tough. You can't swim. Yeah, chill out. Like, you should have spent all that time, all that tough-getting time tough. You can't swim. Yeah, chill out. You should have spent all that time, all that tough getting time on learning how to fucking swim.

At least get a doggy paddle going. It was one of those things where it's like, if Scheherazade, a little five foot two monster hadn't pushed this dude in the pool after telling him to suck her dick, the rest of us would have just kind of probably accepted being bullied all night.

Yeah. Not like actively, but sort of like. But just let it keep happening. That's right. You know? I think that's true. I think when it becomes a thing that gets in everybody's mind that it's not okay, there's enough like kind of with everyone together to stop it.

Whereas, you know, there's always like two kids who know the right thing to do. Yeah. And then, but they're kind of, they seem weird and everyone else is kind of neutral, and then there's the piece of shit. Right. But if everybody knows the right thing to do, it kind of makes it different. It kind of makes it different. Yeah, man.

We all just got to know the right thing to do, man. That's what we're trying to do. We're just trying to spread it. We're all just trying to do the right thing, man. Through podcasts. That's what it's about. That's how people learn. That's why we do this.

That's what we're here for. I think we've done a lot of good. Yeah. I mean, we always do. Always. Always with this podcast. You know, envelopes. We've pushed envelopes so far.

We're now. I thought that was a stamp.com thing. I was like, yeah, I don't know where this is going. Stamp.com. You know, envelopes. Talking about envelopes. Yeah, we can wrap this up actually pretty soon because I think we both got to get going. Oh, yeah.

Got to go do some stand-ups. This is where we do like the, well, got to do some stand-ups. Yeah, you know how it goes. Doesn't seem necessary after all this good. I know. We already did good. Yeah, let's just take the night off. I might go rest on a bed of hero-dom.

Yeah, that's right. And pussy. Yeah, okay. Self-satisfaction. If it were to be. If it were just. I wish not find myself in pursuit, yet be the prey I may, and fall to the predator I shall. If that were to be, would it become?

I wish I had some sort of very elaborate form of Tourette's where after midnight I spoke. Like it was like, knoweth I that this annoying thee shall it be, but against it I cannot fight, for it is my cross to bear. That's not even good Shakespeare. No, no, no. That's like 1201. That's where you start. Yeah. But yeah, just like that's it.

Sean's going to talk like this till the sun comes up. Right. That would be amazing. Hopefully he'll pass out soon. But yeah, just like, that's it. Sean's going to talk like this till the sun comes up. Right. That would be amazing. Hopefully he'll pass out soon. But yeah, man, thank you for doing the podcast. Guys,

thank you for coming up here with a motorcade. Yeah. Yeah. We had to clear him out of the way, but it was worth it. Thank you. They knew what's up.

Yeah. They're like, yeah, this is for the digression sessions. Yeah. And they were like, oh, yeah,

yeah. Clear it. Please do. Thank you for sharing other sean about how you once helped torture i think i sexually i was involved in a sexual assault i think basically yeah you're an accomplice on the face on the face it was you know he turned his head to the side it was brief yeah it wasn't like anything it was just like a cheek on the temple it was a butt cheek the temple. It was a butt cheek on the temple. It was a butt cheek on the temple, guys.

It was a butt cheek on the temple. Come on. If you grew up in this country, you know at some point in your young life, you're going to get a butt cheek on the temple. It's going to happen. But someone still owes Sean one. I'm ready to take it. I want it to happen to me.

I want it to go away. Justice will be served. I'm going to have my girlfriend do it tonight for sure. Yeah, that seems fair. I'll see if I feel better at the end of it. I'm not sure if that's going to be good enough. Uh-huh. And you have to be like, can you get one of your girlfriends over here to hold me down?

Yeah. Just to make it fair. Yeah, right. That's it. You're doing it for the righteousness of the humans. Exactly. The aura of humanity. It's for everybody.

It's not just for me. You're putting a positive energy into the universe. Into the ether. Yeah. It's one more step to's not just for me. You're putting a positive energy into the universe. Into the ether. Yeah. It's one more step to everything being right. Yeah. And I think that's what we all got to do. Yeah.

The prophecy is written. Good on you, man. You're very selfless. Oh, well, thank you. You're just such a good man. Before we get out of here, I do want to ask you about shooting for best bars. Is that rough when you're drinking all night? Uh, yeah. Because what are you doing like

like because you talked about on stage the other night and you were faux kidding i think but you're like i'll be dead there won't be there won't be a season three it's pretty fucking brutal because like i don't know man like people nobody everyone who anyone who watches the show and which thank you for doing that yeah if you are listening this and you watch but like here's the thing people want to say you got the best job in the world yeah no it's it's if remember it's it's it's it's it's a reality tv show which i mean it's different because we're hosting it and we're like but it's still 90 reality no no reality tv is 10 reality 90 tv you know so i mean it it can it can it oftentimes is fucking terrible it really is dude like i i season two can't wait oh I pretty much hate it. Like, it really sucks, man.

It's actually one of the worst decisions I've ever made. I mean, look, it's great because people like it. And that's good. That's good. I'm glad that people like the show. Yeah. And I'm very honored to be doing it in a certain way. Like, the only reason I do it is because we get to go to pretty cool cities.

Jay, I fucking love hosting with Jay. He's great. Jay's like the uncle you want. You want Jay Larson as your uncle. Yeah, yeah. And he's not. I think he's a year older than me. He'll bust your balls and shit like that.

Oh, he's so fucking funny and smart. And he knows a lot about like wood and whiskeys. You know what I'm saying? Man stuff, yeah. And like, you know, wines and cottages. You know, beards and ryes. Cars and shit. Exactly.

Yeah, yeah. And you know, like a paint job. Yeah, and you're just like, I like beer. Exactly. And I do like that we get to have a comedian guest come on every episode that's always a lot of fucking fun yeah but i mean dude it can be so fun like okay i'll break it down yeah we do three bars a day we spend roughly two and a half to three hours at each bar. I'd say about an hour of that is set up breakdown time.

So roughly an hour and a half to two hours shooting at every bar. Now, if it were like it looks on TV, where Jay and I just fucking blow into a goddamn bar and sit down and say whatever we want and drink whatever we want and talk to everybody and get the fuck out of there,

yes, it would be the best job out of there. Yes, it would be the best job in the world. However, it is the exact fucking opposite. It's always the same goddamn fucking thing. Like, we go, it'll be like we're in there

and the first, like, they'll be like, the first, like, ten minutes is gold, but the cameras weren't in the right position. So we gotta try and recreate that.

I'm not blaming the cameraman. That's just the nature of fucking movement sometimes. Yeah, especially shooting in a real location. So now you're trying to recreate something that was good with someone who isn't an actor or a performer, the bartender. Sometimes, no problem. Most of the time, no chance.

Most of the time, they don't repeat the line the same way or they repeat it a little differently or they don't understand what's going on. Yeah. And sometimes, the bartenders fucking suck. Sometimes, we get in a fucking bar. Oh, God. This happens so much.

He's staring at the Capitol building again. He's going to say that. This happens so much. Sometimes, we'll go to a fucking bar, and it'll be like the producers always scout the bar out, and they know everything before them. Yeah. Look, I don't mean to shit on the producers. They're very nice people.

They're doing their job. But reality TV people can be the densest, most hard-headed fucking just ding-dongs. Well, they're not comedy people. That's where you guys are coming from. And they're also not like movie or TV or, you know what I'm saying? Or scripted people. So like they – Or talent.

Right. They think like they try – they can't – they want to be in the moment. Yeah. Yet they want to find beats in the moment and find ways to beat out the moment. Okay. It's like, fuck that. Just let the moment happen. Okay.

So it's like completely inorganic. Like, Jay, could you just say that one more time? They want it to be organic, yet it's not organic at all. They don't provide us with. And then they want like, there's like little things they don't, we waste hours a day shooting bullshit like Jay and Sean getting out of a cab, walking in the building. And it's like, look, I understand how fucking shooting works. You need to get as much coverage as you can. You never know what you're going to use.

But we know what we're going to use by now. We're in a fucking season two. Okay. And if the audience is too fucking stupid. How did they get there exactly wait a second they were in a bar we went to a commercial now they're at a different bar so this is all lies what are they just time travelers i don't even understand what do they tell up what does that even i'm trying to change the channel like if that if that's what happens please change the

fucking channel i don't want you looking at me i don't't want you knowing who I am. Or Jay would probably say the same. But it's a goddamn, like they just don't understand. Like it doesn't need a fucking beat. We don't need. It's crazy watching those shows. When you watch those shows, you're like, this is so the same as every other show. And it's just like people don't talk like this. This is not how people talk. And they always make it into it well something jay and i stopped doing which because if you

watch any reality tv show you'll notice when they're like doing a camera with it was interview it's you don't see an interviewer and you don't hear a question get asked you just see a person and oh like what do i think of jay exactly that's what i think yeah you'll notice it always ends up being something like well dc's great i'm glad we're here. I look forward to next time. The reason it's always something like that is because that's usually the fifth to tenth take. Not that much. Fifth to sixth take, meaning the four things the person said before that

were all fucking golden. However, I guarantee, maybe not. Maybe the four things before, depending on who the person is, if it's just some schlub who works at an automotive shop, maybe the first four things were garbage. Those guys are pieces of shit.

Fuck automotive people. You know what I mean? I do. I'm not trying to be classist. But, like, when it's two comedians who care about what's coming out of their mouths, the first four things we'll give them are usually good, but they can't use it because it was too real or it wasn't positive enough guys have you guys are not involved in editing at all so they'll be like that has to be infuriating well yeah they would ask us for the clean take they could be like can you just

give us a clean take but have fun with it exactly and that's when we were realizing this happened last season we're like oh if we keep giving them clean takes that's all they're going to use yeah so we don't do clean takes anymore wow j. Jay's actually a little better about it. What do you mean by clean take? A clean take would be like, ask me a question about a bar. I'm going to give you what's called a dirty take first.

What was your favorite part of this bar? I mean, it was great. The whiskey was good. That bartender was kind of a weirdo. Someone else could have poured my whiskey and I'd have been fine with that. But you know what? It was loud in there.

And I like loudness because then I can't hear the destruction of the alcohol in my brain. You know? You can do something with that. Here's a clean take. Well, cool bar. You know? I can't wait to come back next time. Just take that every time.

Just give them a button. Because they're like, well, we don't want to seem like alcohol is destroying your brain. Yeah. Or we don't want to seem like maybe you didn't have the funnest time. Or maybe you had too much fun in there. We need to tone it down a little bit. Just a little bit, yeah. We need you to remain this vanilla neutral.

And it's like, no, you fucking don't. There's the mic. And that's the fucking thing. Bird of prey coming at you. Yeah, the bird of prey. That's the bird of prey's dick that I will suck. It's a mediocre vanilla bird. Exactly. Because here's the best part, dude.

Yeah. Every reality TV producer in the world wishes that they could be Anthony Kiedis' penis. I mean, not Anthony Kiedis, Anthony Bourdain. Definitely not Anthony Kiedis. I was wondering if they got naked and wore the sock. I was wondering where that was going. Every reality TV producer, every network that does reality tv thinks anthony bourdain is god right and you know why they think that because he does a very unique he does it his way yeah just himself and said it's like maybe if

you just let some of the people hosting your show do it their way you'd get the same fucking result you goddamn cowards. You know what? You know what? I listened to it. There was a podcast where Dimitri Martin was talking about his, I think it was his Comedy Central Presents, and he used the easel with his drawings, and he did it intentionally so they couldn't rearrange any of his jokes because they wouldn't make any sense with

the easel, the way he was flipping the way he flipped at the end of each joke there was no way for them to cut it and piece it back together and he knew that if he did it that way they wouldn't be able to change it around because he wanted it and he set it up intentionally for the jokes to be in that order and that's what he wanted and then he was like i do regret it a little bit because there were some things that would be good to take out and you couldn't and then it was impossible to take it out but i did it i knew but it was kind of it was almost like you once you realize how they do things it's like you can't reason with them right you can't explain it to them no all you can do is passive aggressively not do the bullshit that they want you to do about commercial

breaks and that type of thing not necessarily content but it's like content editing it can all be done yeah editing is a goddamn limitless art field really based on what you give them yeah especially but i was gonna say the amount that you guys are shooting yeah if you're if you're somewhere for shooting for an hour and a half and you're using five minutes there's gonna be a ton of good shit in there you don't know how many times you know how many times they've been like this oh my god this bartender he's so crazy everybody knows him as big crazy al and then we get in there cameras are up and he the guy goes from y'all better watch out i might take

y'all's jobs because i'm crazy cameras are up and it's just like so we're like oh so hey man what what's your specialty drink he's like oh it's a my tie with bourbon instead of rum just they freeze up yeah everyone you know and like sometimes it's like all right we're gonna talk to this wacky guy at the bar yeah talk to him it's like he's not fucking wacky he's a drunk asshole yeah and it's and yeah like and look i'm not you know what that chiron like al drunk asshole and then like and then those so okay i said three bars like i said let's say the three that's roughly nine hours but the shoot days are like 12 or so hours so then we have that time in between bars where we're both fighting either sobering up or falling asleep yeah and

the only option there is to just pound coffee or get stay drunk right and at first stay drunk seems like the logical choice until you realize oh wait you have to work still yeah like you have to know you're on camera and you're like hey all right i gotta do this yeah do this right chicago right sometimes it's been fun as fuck and like i don't want to i really don't want to shit on the production team we got they are good people they are they are doing their job though and it's and it's and it's the network and it's not just the network it's the advertising revenue it's like it all goes back to like not wanting to offend or frighten or confuse your viewers yeah it's like yeah but guess what sometimes

confusing frightening and offending the viewers weeds out the suckers and you get the better audience you get a better product challenged because that's what any of that really is not to mention all the people that start watching that you two are pulling into that show yeah they don't they don't want a clean product yeah like comedians they don't want it we're psyched like oh there's two comedians at a bar. It should be funny as shit. And I'll say this. Season one turned out far better than I expected.

And season two will probably be the same because we got the same crew. And like I said, I get a little angry with them sometimes, but I know they're just following a protocol that they've got to follow for now. Comedy people. But I'm hoping it'll be good. I think the second season will be actually probably better than the first season. But I definitely don't want to do this after this season. Wow. I'll say that now, and if anyone hears this and it gets back to them, fine.

But I've had a great experience. We're doing DC, and we're having fun so far. And we've got a few more cities after this right but it's like i mean this amount of drinking and just the stress of constantly dealing with and what you're getting out of it like if it was like all right we're drinking a lot but we have this really great product jay and i have total creative control that would be a different story oh yeah yeah yeah if you're in the edit bay on that. It's like, no, I want to... Because there's so many times where it's like, guys, why don't we just allow... Like, we're fucking hammered.

Let us stumble out of this bar. What is the risk to them anyway? It's not like it's on ABC, you know? But it's Esquire. That's how bad advertising revenue is, or how much control it has. Right. Well, we don't want to attract or, you know, not.

It's. But I say I don't want to do it anymore because two seasons is great. But it's also like, man, I don't want to be the guy who fucking dies because of his TV show job. Yeah. And plus, I don't want. I hate hosting. I despise it because oftentimes I don't give a shit.

It's like, oh, hey oh hey guys you should find out about this bar it was made in 1906 too much pretending like you care yeah no that's exhausting it's a wooden bar with lacquer on it fine jay however cares because he's a better person than i'd be such a great throw to him like i don't give't give a shit, but Jay cares. Trust me, all the things that matter, Jay asks those questions. I'm barely color commentary at this point. I'm just loud, and sometimes I say something witty. Yeah.

And every now and again, I make a funny situation out of a thing someone said while we're all hammered. But for the most part, Jay's definitely the host. Yeah. And like I said, he does care about things like that. It's great for him. But there are times where it's like, even him, where they're like, guys, so this bar, I mean, it's been around since the 60s.

I mean, can you ask who was drinking in here in the 60s? And Jay's like, why? Yeah. Also, who gives a shit? Yeah. You think Lennon was drinking in here? Yeah. He wasn't.

It's a dive bar in fucking Detroit. Like, no, who cares who drank here 60 years ago about who's getting drunk here right now? And he makes a good point. Yeah. So it's like that sort of shit. I mean, but I don't know, man. I mean, to everyone who has watched the show, thank you. And it's season two will be the best.

But at the same time time I hope you watch the next thing I do fucking A well thank you for doing this man website Twitter all that stuff

yeah my website is Sean Oliver Patton at dot com Sean Oliver Patton dot com it's not my old

website of I am Sean Patton that one sucks it's down it is Sean Oliver Patton dot com check sucks. It's down. It is SeanOliverPatton.com. Check it out. There are tour dates, things of that nature. Boom.

And on Twitter, I'm at MrSeanPatton. Yeah, Sean Joyce, my guest co-host. Anything to plug at the end here? Yeah, check out UndergroundComedyDC.com. Six nights a week in D.C. Yeah, killing it. Shows everywhere. Yeah, so go check those out.

I'm Josh Kaderna. Follow me on Twitter at BetterRobotJosh. RegressionSessions.com for all past and future episodes. iTunes, rate us, all that stuff. Sean, thank you for doing this. Thank you, Josh. Yeah, thanks for having us. Thank you, guys. Later.

Let's go beat up some black people. We'll see you next time. you