The Digression Sessions - Ep. 147 - Tommy Sinbazo (@TommySinbazo)

Episode Date: January 5, 2015

Twitter & Instagram @TommySinbazo – Tommy Sinbazo @JoshKuderna – Josh Kuderna @MikeMoranWould – Mike Moran @DigSeshPod – For Podcast Updates! Hola Digheads! You know this week’s guest from Meanwhile, At The Skullbase, LARPing, and seeing your Mom’s boobs…it’s comedian Tommy Sinbazo! Josh and Tommy have themselves quite the carcast on the way home from the Arlington Drafthouse! They discuss the white guy rapping, seeing your friends’ moms nude, pee in super soakers, and more! Please do the Dig Sesh a solid and subscribe to and rate us on iTunes, or Stitcher! Say hi on Twitter and Facebook. And check out the rest of the Thunder Grunt podcast network!  

hey everybody i'm josh kaderna and i'm mike moran and you're listening to the digression sessions podcast a baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers. Join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence. As we interview local and non-local comedians, writers, musicians, and anyone else we find creative and interesting. Yes. Who's the guest this week tommy simbazo hi everybody tommy simbazo is the guest on this week's program he's a comedian based out of the baltimore area a good friend of mine uh and i say this about everybody on the show but he is very funny tommy is genuinely one of the the funniest people you will meet just conversationally, on stage, everything.

He's a hilarious dude and a sweetheart as well. And it was really fun to do this podcast with him. This is a car cast. Tommy and I were doing a show in Virginia. And on the way back, we decided to just get some content in because we don't want to waste a car ride just talking to each other if we're not recording it. It's got to be for the people. So this was a fun one because we started talking about memes that we like. And one of them had to do with a woman and her kid and some nudity. And Tommy

asked me growing up, how many of my friend's moms did I see nude? And I had to say zero. And Tommy thought about it for a second and said three, i thought was a lot so so i got him to break down all the uh all the nude moms he's seen in his uh in his days as a youth and it was a really good conversation and then it leads to uh urine and uh semen being thrown on people and our uh yeah we'll just let it get you know well you know i don you know, I don't want to spoil anything for you. But, yeah, it gets there. It was a fun conversation. And, yeah, so check out Tommy. Him and I are actually on the same network together.

We're on the lovely Thunder Grunt. You heard the bumper in the beginning. We're on the Thunder Grunt Podcast Network at ThunderGrunt.com. And Tommy and I are actually on the same podcast together. We are on meanwhile at the skull base and uh tommy plays a character on there called overlord skull bludgeon and he does a great job at that and uh the uh the final episode of season two is actually dropping this tuesday so hopefully you guys get into that that is going to be on the 6th, so check that out. That's on iTunes and all the other wonderful places you can get podcasts.

You can stream it at ThunderGrut.com, as you can with this podcast as well. Yeah, so check out Tommy. He's got TommySambazo.com. He does a bunch of shows all over the East Coast. He's on Twitter as at TommySambazo. So. He does a bunch of shows all over the East Coast. He's on Twitter as at TommySimbazo. So yeah, check him out. Very funny, very funny guy, very nice guy. And he's going to be on the live podcast we just did. We actually had Rapper Height and Tommy on. I got Tommy to tell the nudity story because I thought that'd be a good jump off point.

So yeah, so this is a nice little preview and extended conversation of uh what we did on the live show as well which hopefully we'll be releasing soon and uh yeah okay good episode nice car cast uh i want to say hello to everybody josh kaderna here of course happy new year hope uh 2015 is goddamn great it's mond. You're probably going back to work, you know, listening in a cubicle as I am slowly doing, slowly dying, you know, under fluorescent lights.

But hey, let's keep it positive, huh, guys? Come on, let's keep it positive. And I'll stop rambling eventually if we can just plug a couple other things. We here at DigSish HQ, and by we, I mean me. Let's see here. I got some shows coming up uh I will be at a uh

at a place called rag time and it's a bar in Arlington on the 21st I'll be doing a little bit of a longer set there I'm very excited for that on uh January 21st um I'll be in Delaware at the world cafe with Mike Fonazo good friend of the show and on the 30th I'll be in Delaware at the World Cafe with Mike Fonazo, a good friend of the show. And on the 30th, I'll be at the Wonderland Ballroom doing stand-up for the Don't Block the Box show, which should be a lot of fun. And on the 3rd, February 3rd, I'll be going to the dentist. So come out to that. Do what you can. Go to digressionsessions.com slash calendar.

That has all of our dates there listed for Mr. Mike Moran and I, my co-host and co-pilot when Jesus calls out sick. He has some shows listed up there as well. You can follow us on Twitter. I am at Josh Koderna. Also on Instagram as Josh Koderna. And Mike is on Twitter as Mike Moran Wood. The podcast is at Dig Sesh Pod. Follow us there for podcast updates. Tweet us. Let us know what you think of the shows. Who do you want to hear on the show? A bunch of people coming through the Baltimore and DC area. We're reaching out to a lot of folks to get them on. And yeah, we'd love to know what you think of the show. We have a Facebook page,

tons of social media for you to get in touch with. And yeah. So yeah, I just want to say thanks to everybody for listening to the show. I think that's it here., yeah, I just want to say thanks to thanks to everybody for listening to the show. I think that's it here. Oh, yeah. Check out Mike Moran's column. He writes for brightest young things dot com. Go over there and search for Mike Moran. Always has some interesting stuff to put up over there. And that's it. I'm ready to post this thing. I'm sitting in bed and I'm going to post this thing, eating some peanuts in the nude in bed, recording a podcast intro like a modern man. All right. Now, let's go to Tommy and I with our conversation already in progress in my 2005 Grand Marquis.

All right, everybody. We love you. Tommy Cervazo. What if people just, if they do the cable drop? Like, you can just take the cable out. Yeah, like, that's just as effective. You can't hear me. You still cannot hear me.

But I'm respecting other people's property. Microphones aren't cheap, y'all. If I can leave you with one message. Hello. Hello. Check, too. Check. Check.

Microphone. Check. Hello. Driving in the car. Check. Driving in the car. P-words. P-words. Pizza.

Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza.

Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza.

Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza.

Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza.

Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza.

Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza Platypus Hello Yep that's it Hey Tommy

We're headed home I'm gonna start off with a freestyle rap Yep Tommy Sambazo hit it Yo my name is Tommy Sambazo And I'm here to say I rub fruity pebbles in a major way That's it that's all I got That was great that was really good

Hey if you ever quit comedy man You got something going That was in a major way. Hey. That's it. That's all I got. That was great. That was really good. Hey, if you ever quit comedy, man, you got something going. My favorite is when white people try to freestyle rap, and it's always like they say their name, and they'll tell you that they're here to say something, and then they do something. Or they'll say their name, and they'll tell you what their game is. And what they're all about. Yeah. You know, like, here's what I'm here to do. Have a good time with you.

Or they'll be like, Rappin' Ron, that's my name. And spittin' out rhymes is my game. Like that kind of thing. Yeah. And that was great. That was great. That was really good. All right, Tommy, we're headed, we're driving.

This is a car cast. Probably illegal, but we are headed back to Baltimore. I think we're in a gray area. Yeah, I don't think they've legislated this, right? I don't think there's any official ticket for driving while podcasting. We just passed a TARDIS. We'll circle back to that in case we get lost. We're passing the Washington Monument.

It's very scenic. We're out in Washington Monument. It's very scenic. We're out in the nation's capital. A little patriotic. Yeah. After telling our dick jokes. Yeah. I believe that's the Jefferson Memorial. That one?

Yep, that one. Very descriptive. Very descriptive. Podcast. That one. Ooh. Yeah. People might know the jig is up that we're just recording in my backyard.

Oh, that thing? Shaking things around. Oh, and here we just passed the Eiffel Tower. Whoa. Are those the pyramids of Egypt? Good gravy. Well, we're headed back to Baltimore, making the trek home from the Arlington Draft House where we just performed. That was a fun show, man.

That's not what I pictured it looked like. The front room? The whole place. I've never been to the place. Well, you didn't get to see the theater. The theater is much bigger. I would assume. Yeah, yeah.

I would assume that a movie theater is bigger. When I say much bigger, like five more seats. Yeah, yeah. But I knew that there was a front room, but I thought the front room. Was like a theater as well? No. I pictured it as a long, narrow. Hallway?

Bar area. Okay. Like kind of like how. Almost like a Red House tavern. Do you remember Red House? Yeah, yeah. For those of you listening, Red House was a spot in Canton. Yeah.

Canton. Canton. Canton. It was in Canton, Canton. It was in Canton. You ever been there? I don't feel like that bar was too long. You mean like the stage would be right there and primarily it's just like a bar.

For some reason, I pictured it bathed in a white light. I imagined it like death. Let's say, is this just in your dreams, what you imagine? Like, how I'm going to go out is in the green room of the Arlington Drafthouse with a long bar. We always see some, there's some rooms that you'll see people that they performed at, and you're like, oh my God, that stage must be beautiful. Like, what's the one that has like, it's a purple, you perform in a purple corner, and then there's all these Victorian pictures around you?

Oh, down here in D.C., maybe? It might be in D.C. In La Bamba? It might be La Bamba. I think it's La Bamba, yeah. Looks really nice. It does. People are really good at that.

Like, another packed house, and then they just take a picture of, like, the five people that are there. When I was a kid, I was an extra in um major league two really yeah how did you land that gig uh they just were like hey we need to fill this uh stadium with people come on out watch a fake game but how did you know about it my parents knew uh-huh and they're like you're coming it's a hollywood movie i knew that we as, even as a child, I knew we weren't going to be in it because we were sitting right behind home plate. And I'm like, yes. But there was a kid that was standing right against the fence that was wearing a shirt that said Major League. Like the first, he was wearing the first movie shirt.

Charlie Sheen's character's name is on it. Will never be in there. Hollywood movie But what they would do is For different scenes they would make This 250,000 people Or however many people showed up They would make us all move to the other end

Or they would put up these They had cardboard stand-ups Place fillers They still do that now I think when they did What was the third Dark Knight movie? Batman something or other Yeah, what was the third Dark Knight movie? Batman something or other is what it was called. Yeah, Secret of the Ooze.

Dark Knight Rises. When they did Batman, Secret of the Ooze Rises. They did the same thing when they filmed in Pittsburgh because they used the Pittsburgh Steelers to be the Gotham Knights or whatever they were called. Yeah, so they had to move everybody around. But now they can CGI. What did you think of Dark Knight Rises? I really loved the first few minutes. they were called yeah so they had to move everybody around but now they can uh cgi so i don't what did

you think of dark knight rises i really loved the first few minutes uh i just felt like it couldn't live up to expectations you know like dark knight just just brought the bar so high that everybody's like this film better be fucking amazing and it's kind of just like just give me my check yeah yeah so i i felt like the beginning was really cool. Really cool. I felt like that was cool. But the airplane scene and all that stuff with Bane, and then he's the one in the mask, and like, oh.

Yeah, that's Bane. That's how he reveals himself. I'm the bad guy. I don't know if you know, but my name's Bane. I'd like to clear up any misconceptions. I'm the bad guy. I have my alarm. They did this thing on YouTube where these guys did the audio knots. Yeah.

They did a thing on YouTube where they dubbed over Bane's parts. And there's one where Bane freestyle raps at the scene in the stadium. Like he goes up to the guy and he's like, Who's the only man that's ever beat me in a freestyle rap? And the guy's like, it was me. He's like, that's right, you. And then he snaps his neck and he's like, DJ, give me a beat. I'm Bane and I'm here to say.

Well, the name of the song is I'm Bane. Right, yeah. But it's my alarm when I wake up every morning So it's always Bane It's like I'm Bane yes That's my name Say it too much and it becomes a name And cracking necks That's my game

So okay so the We talked about this earlier off mic When the mics weren't hot when we were driving down There was a lot of stuff we shouldn't we talked about this earlier. Off mic. When the mics weren't hot when we were driving down. There was a lot of stuff we shouldn't have talked about. I do want to circle back to some of that stuff. But you said that you take a bath in the morning. I do. I'm a bather.

So the bane alarm goes off. And you say, oh, I got to fire up the bath. I get up. I go in. This is the exact. And I don't deviate from this. If you think it's disgusting, fuck you I don't care

You don't know this but I'm 75 years old I like to say 75 years young I I wake up I go into the tub You hear Bane I wake up Tommy Get a lukewarm bath

I go in First things first first i pee in the tub before while the water's running yes okay start the water running don't i don't clog the drain yet let me just cut you off right there i i'm fine with peeing in the tub okay totally fine with it but then you don't bathe in it well i like how you're making fun of me Like hey I'm the weirdo here Okay I'm the one that bathes in my own piss I don't think I've pissed in a toilet in the morning In quite some time

Uh huh So then I make sure I rinse it all out And then I lay down And I'll sit there and I'll just lay And I'll splash my face and splash my arms. With the piss water. With the piss water.

It keeps me youthful. It's full of electrolytes. It's sterile. Yeah, exactly. Sometimes it has a little blood in it. Because I'm 75. Yep. Uh-huh.

I get out. Yep. My cortisones dry me. Uh-huh. Or Lou. Because Lou dries me. She does my back because she hates it when I... I'll just get out and then I'll lay on the bed and air dry.

Right. But then I leave wet footprints and then Lou steps on them in her socks. And Lou is this woman you've kidnapped? Yes, Lou is my slave. Uh-huh. And she'd be like, oh, Mr. Tommy. So much blood in your peep but so lou will actually dry my back yeah that's your your fiancee yeah i'll go and i'll i'll lay for another five minutes

or so and then i uh i get up i put on my watch before the underwear or anything else. The watch goes on first. Right. Then I'll get dressed. I'll brush my teeth. Yeah. Then I will put wax, I mean, pomade in my mustache. It sounds like it takes you six hours to get up in the morning. It takes me a half hour and 45 minutes to get ready in the morning. That's not bad. I wax the mustache.

I blow dry it. Picture the rest of you looks like shit, but your mustache is immaculate. And then I'm good to go. I'm ready to go. Uh-huh. You're out the door. All right. What about you?

What's your morning routine? Morning routine, I am not showering. No bathing, no showering. Do you do it at night? No, I shower at work. We have a gym at work. So I like to go to the gym during lunch okay get a little pump you don't shower until one o'clock yeah at least actually it's closer to 125

but yeah somewhere in there okay and yeah and everybody's like oh no wonder or they're like oh you smell like no you didn't know that i smelled you didn't know until i told you that i don't shower i got in your car earlier well Well, that was Farts and Burger King, which is Calvin Klein's new scent, which is a sponsor of the show. Farts and Burger King. By Calvin Klein. Excuse me. In the morning, so I think I'll get out of bed at 7.40 and I'll be at work by 8.30, like door to door. When do you shave?

Well, like every other man has to every two days, you know. I really only shave before a show. Like I did a show last night, so I shave for that in the morning. Okay. I need a haircut because my sideburns are starting to look forefather-y. Well, they're approaching your mustache. They are. I can't touch.

For those, you almost have a, what is that, like William Burnside. A Garfield. Yeah. You look like you're about to lead the. Like Andrew Garfield. Yes. The president? Was that him?

Yeah. You look like a president. Or that you're about to march like on the south and burn it down. I look like I may have owned people. He is kind of steam punky, but his facial hair says he owns people. I love my mustache, but I don't know how to trim it properly without cutting the whole thing off. So in a year's time. A picture of you with scissors like, oh, here we go.

And I cut it all off. Yeah, every time I try, I end up fucking it up. You ever think about going to a barber? Shape that thing up? Like an old-timey, like, hot shave? I'm not going into a barber shop and saying, one plantation owner, please. It's on the wall. You point to the black and white picture.

That one. You point to the lithograph. The fisticuff. I'll have the bare-knuckle boxer, please. That boy right there, please. I'll take the fisted cuff i'll have the bare knuckle boxer please that boy right there please i'll take him right there right this way sir uh no you do sound like a kind of plantation owner when you wake up like the alarm goes off and i get a bath i get a hot bath i'm like lu lucrez draw me a bath. Draw me, woman. And after I get clean, I'm going to slumber again.

And then I'll put on my watch, my time piece, and that's it. A fine glass of juice. Mint julep as I sit upon the porch and dab my mustache with a white handkerchief. You know I don't know how to cut it my damn self. Alright. So Tommy Zimbazo. Very funny comedian. Everybody knows

Tommy's a funny comedian. I don't have to repeat that. And you're a funny comedian too. Oh thank you man. You had a really good set tonight. Oh thank you. I felt good about it. Felt the crowd kind of pull away a little but I felt like it was good. It was one of those things where they're on board, but they're just like, I don't know. I had moments like that, too.

Like the whole new bit about my sister. Like it's such, I love it. You did good. Well, I mean, the crux of it is like your sister, you say jerk people off. Yeah, she works in a massage parlor. Where she jerked people off. And then at dinner, she's in a massage parlor. Where she jerked people off. And then at dinner she's talking about

her day at work. Well, actually, the real story is she would come home while we were all smoking weed in the basement and want to talk about it. But it's funnier.

Hold on, hold on. This is you, your mom, and your dad? No, no, no. Oh. She would come home from work at like 2 a.m. Yeah.

And my buddies would be over like a Friday night and we're just smoking weed in the basement and she would come and talk about the shit that happened. Because in your bit you're saying it's the dinner time and your mom

and dad are there. It's family time. We're getting high in the basement. That's the joke. I get it. I get it. You embellish things. I did. I did because it's not... Yeah. But anyway, they were on board but they were just like, oh, that's sad. How was your day?

Don't ask her that. She had to jerk off a tiny penis. That's sad. That's sad. She told me once that she had a client, a John, if you will, come in and she went to go cup his balls, and her finger went in. Oh. And it was a hermaphrodite. Whoa. She went to go cup his balls And her finger went in Oh And it was a hermaphrodite Whoa

Or she said He was a hermaphrodito Hermaphrodito Hermaphric Hermaphric Hermaphrodito You know like his genitals said ditto Now you gotta think

Like someone who is you know Going to get manual release Yeah And you're born a hermaphrodite you gotta have body image issues sure right sure my sister the saint that she is the feeling kind human being freak the fuck out on this hermaphrodite call him a nasty ass motherfucker like you gotta get the fuck out you fucking freak like yeah so that guy's probably dead wow how does the hermaphrodite thing work though i thought you could be born that way but they basically kind of make a choice right i don't

know i mean she could have she could have put her finger in the guy's butthole but she said that she cupped it and she was like oh what the fuck what if it was the butthole and the guy's like you put it in there like you nasty fucker it's like, I didn't ask you to put a finger in my... I don't know how this goes. I'm sorry. It's my first time. I had a buddy. He's just ashamed. I had a buddy in college, this young guy, Mohammed.

And I mean, like, college, like, when I went last year. Okay. And Mohammed was from South Africa. Uh-huh. And he was, like, 18 years old, and he had just had his birthday. Yeah. Over the weekend. And I was like, oh, Mo, how was your birthday?

And he was like, my friend took me to a massage, to get a massage. And I was like, okay, cool. And I'm thinking he went to like a day spa or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got the nails did. I was like, what kind of massage? And he was like, oh, my friend. We went there, and there was two Asian women.

And they told me to pick which one i wanted and i didn't know you know i didn't know what was going on so i picked the one she's giving me a massage and i was thinking to myself this is the worst massage that i've ever gotten and then she told me my birthday is ruined she told me to roll over and she started jerking me off then he said jerk off yeah yeah and i was like oh you went to one of those you say yes but but then she rolled me back over scooch my ass towards the end of the bed and licked my asshole wow and i was like holy shit i was like so how was that and he was like i am going back next week.

A repeat customer. Yeah, where they lick butthole. That's insane. You're licking a stranger's. Are they cleaning the butthole? You're licking a stranger's butthole. Yeah. That's completely insane.

I think like in Japan, you can get like a full on. I don't want to say just Japan because I think it also happens in Korea. I don't want to be racist. I don't want to sound like I hate Orientals, but I assume it happens all over. But like apparently like you'll go and like you'll pick the girl and she'll bathe you. Yeah. Give you a massage. Right.

And then I think have sex with you. And then lick the butthole? If that's included. If you're getting the grand slam as they call it. Is that lick the butthole? If that's included. If you're getting the grand slam, as they call it. Is that what you think it is? Like there's a happy ending? Yeah. And then it says happy ending, $100. Tongue punch the fart box, $250.

I remember, $250. I remember I got a notification from Twitter once. It said, at tongue, my fart box is now following you. And I said, all right. What a proud day. Not bad. Not bad. Doing good. All right. Well, I want to circle while we're talking about tonguing butts. On the ride down, you asked me, you said, how many of your friends' parents have you seen naked? Yeah. And I said zero. And you said. I said I've seen three.

Three. Three whole friends. I feel like three is a lot. One is probably the average, like the give or take average. Three is a lot. I have no frame of reference. That's true. That's true.

If you're listening. My base is three. If you've seen less than that, you're a weirdo. I'm the weirdo because I'm like, I don't know. I might have seen like a bra. I don't know. Tommy's like, let me tell you my stories. All right.

So let's get into it because not only have you seen them naked, you've seen them in various acts of depravity. I forgot about this. Until this ride? Because I wanted to tell it on stage, and you told me not to. No, of course. You've never done this room before. You're like, let me just tell you this story that I've never told before. Well, I never did that whole E.T. bit at the start.

You've done that. Well, you've told that. I've seen you tell that before. I have? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard that before. Yeah, yeah. I stole from myself.

I don't know if you've told it maybe just hanging out, but I remember hearing that. Okay, well, here's the story. And that bit went well tonight by the way anyway yeah let's let's hear okay let's we're gonna go through all three let's start should we say yes let's build okay yeah let's build um okay so the first first one i'll say there was a young kid in the neighborhood probably four years my junior yeah uh who lived across the street and his family uh his mother and father were good friends with my parents and everything. And he was like, everybody had that young kid that would hang out in their group of friends. Right, with the older kids.

You're like, oh, he cusses. That's cute. He can hang out, yeah. So his family went to Disney World. And they come back from Disney World. And he immediately comes across the street and knocks on the door. He's like, Tommy, we got you a gift from Disney World. We got you a souvenir. And I'm like, oh man, thanks. And he was like, do you want to come over and get it? I'm like, okay.

Sure. So we go across the street. We go right in the front door, right upstairs where he opens his bedroom, his parents' bedroom, and there's his mom butt-ass naked. Just like, ah! Right. And she was in the act act maybe she just got out of the shower or something yeah something like that i don't feel like that's the standard story like you know like that's where i've seen it before like the mom's doing laundry and she's like whoa yeah okay yeah she wasn't like can i help you or see something you like boys you boys hungry okay so the second one uh had a friend friend named Danny that lived up the street.

That's the Magic Mountain. I got you. What if that was a souvenir? He's like, it's my mom's pussy, Tommy. There it is. Drink it in, brother. He's 12. He's been the master the whole time.

But so Danny. Yeah. What was his last name? Peterson. It doesn't matter. Yeah, but if you're listening, I don't know where Danny. Yeah. What was his last name? Peterson. It doesn't matter. Yeah, but if you're listening, I don't know where Danny is anymore. Right. It was during the summer.

Danny comes down, knocks on my door, and he was like, dude, you got to come see this. Right? Yeah. So, we go back up the street, up to his house. Yeah. He takes me right up to the parents' bedroom. Real quick, is this before or after Magic Mountain, kid? This was, that's a good question.

I think this was before. Okay, so this is the first. Yeah, we're not going chronologically. Right, we're just in the amount of intensity. Yeah. Okay. And we go into his parents' bedroom. He lifts up the mattress and pulls out a binder.

A binder. And in the binder, there were these sleeves that had Polaroids in them. And it's of his mom like spread eagle naked and i'm like why are you showing me this yeah he's like not bad this is my mom i'm like she is hairy as shit oh now do you have to see these women afterwards yeah i gotta have sleepovers and shit she's like have you seen the polaroid like where's the camera all right so those are still pretty intense like that's fucked up for that kid to be like yeah right it's my mom's butthole that's crazy the the disney kid that's like no fault of his yeah

that's him just like i want to show you the Mickey Mouse ears we got here. But if I remember right, the gift was a deck of Disney playing cards. Oh, well, that's pretty sweet. Yeah. That's shitty. What am I, a magician? That was my next question. What am I going to do with cards?

We're going to play Spades. But you were into like D&D and shit, right? Yeah, but it was playing cards. I think this was before D&D. Oh, okay. Okay, all right, all right. Okay. Either way, it's still the thought that counts.

Again, with this one, with the Polaroids, what is she doing in these Polaroids? She was, like I said, spread eagle. It wasn't anything tasteful like you'd see in Playboy. This was straight hustler or something called Truck Stop Tramps or something. Or that you would see an anatomy textbook. Like, here we have the vulva. If you've ever seen Hustler, where people would send in their own homemade amateur pictures, and it'd be Hustler's beaver hunt.

That's the level of taste. That's what the pictures might have been for. Well, it's weird because like i'm in the bedroom i'm looking at the bed that's matching up to the bed in this picture right like you're on the same angle like it's almost like it's a ghost photo or like you're on a hollywood tour this is the bed from the picture wow can you take my picture yeah that's what we should have done a series of me fully clothed. And put those in the binder?

And slip them in. Oh, my God. It's apparent they would just die. I would just kill myself. Like, well, that's the end of that. Well, we're moving. Witness protection program it is. All right, so those are still pretty crazy.

Now let's hear this third story. Okay, so growing up i had a best friend john elizondo i love the last names love jonathan vincent elizondo social security number i farted sorry yeah well i'm doing that too okay good yeah i thought it was burger king and farts catalytic converter yes um oh sorry yeah all right i'm gonna going to pray to Jesus. So John Elizondo's mom had this degenerative thing in her ears. So over the whole time I knew her, she was getting deafer and deafer. So there were actually times when he was a teenager where she would be driving, and he was in the passenger seat, and I would be in the back,

and he would just turn to her and be like, You're a stupid fucking cunt. You fucking bitch with your sloppy titties. And she would be like, why did you date Jonathan? And like, she couldn't hear him. So she was dating this guy, Sheldon.

Sheldon! Picture what you think Sheldon looks like. Listeners, picture what you think a Sheldon looks like. That's not from Big Bang Theory. But like, this guy looked like Newman from Seinfeld. Yeah, when you say Sheldon look listeners picture what you think a Sheldon looks like that's not from big bang theory but like this guy looked like Newman from Seinfeld yeah when you say Sheldon I literally picture like a humanoid turtle like just like exactly exactly and uh so the way their house was set up was the uh the parents bedroom her mom's bedroom yeah uh like, if her door were to open, it would go straight down the hallway. And right across from it was their spare bedroom. They turned into a computer room.

So during the summer and stuff, we would go in there and we would play video games. We'd play computer games. Right, right, right. And there was one day that her and Sheldon were over. We were in the computer room. And we were playing video games and there was a fan over, we were in the computer room and we were playing video games and there was a fan, a box fan in the window.

And we found out that the air pressure would build. Like if we went to close the door to the computer room, you would hear the fan go as the air pressure would build. So we did that a couple times and then we finally let it just open the door up.

Right, you're just kind of fucking around like, oh, this is weird. That's a crazy noise. Not realizing what the air pressure would do once we released it, and it opened her mom's bedroom door across the hall where she was, Sheldon's sitting on the edge of the bed,

and she was on her knees just sucking the shit out of his dick. Like, going to town on this guy's dick. And she was deaf, so she didn't hear the door open. So this hasn't stopped her. Yeah. Like, she felt a breeze, but she's like, oh, that feels good. That feels good.

Like, Sheldon was like, oh, and she's like, yeah, baby, give it to me. You know. Like, she was about. And, like, she was going at the speed at the speed he was right about to come. Oh, no. Yeah, she's in it to win it at that point. And I'm dying laughing, and John's just like, oh, fuck. But his mom still can't hear it.

Yeah. Like, uh-oh, uh-oh, yeah, give it to me. He has to throw a Nerf ball at her to, like, get her attention. Smack in her head. He's dragging her around the room by his dick while he's trying to shut the door. Ah, kinky boy. You're not getting away from me. Give me that cum, Helden.

Jesus Christ. Give me that cum like it'll make me heal. Talk about a cochlear implant. Oh. Oh, this freaking guy. So what happened? Did she eventually get wind? I mean, time freezes when stuff like everything runs.

Oh, it slows down. Yeah. So, I mean, it was probably like maybe like five seconds, and she was like, but five seconds. Imagine this, everybody. One 1,000, two 1,000, three 1,000, four 1,000, five 1,000. All that is dick suck. Yes, and watching your mom suck cock.

They're like unrelenting. You know, like if you see something that's bad enough, they're like immediately, they're like, oh, no. But like she's going for it. Like that is what your mom looks like sucking cock. Newman's cock. Have you now at that age, had you seen porn? Were you familiar with that? Oh, yeah.

I knew what she was doing. I mean, you get it. I knew what she was doing. I mean, you get it. She knew what she was doing. Are you like, nice technique? Not bad. Oh, my God. I called next. I put my quarter on the bed stand.

Sheldon, my man. I got it. Sheldon, tag me in, bro. Tag me in. Tag team champion right here. So what happens with your friend? Like, you can't just keep hanging out playing video games. You're just like, well. Well team champion right here. So what happens with your friend? Like, you can't just keep hanging out playing video games. You're just like, well.

Well, we hung out. Like, he lived literally the next street over. Yeah. Like, we were best friends until 18 when I sprayed him with a Super Soaker full of my own piss and cum. Oh, and cum? And cum. A little bit of cum. Jesus Christ.

Is cum the deal breaker? Like you're fine getting sprayed with piss? Here's the thing about cum. It doesn't matter if you're like, it's a little bit or a lot. It's cum. Either way. It's still a billion sperm. Exactly.

It's exactly. It doesn't matter if it's a thimble or a bucket. It's cum. There's cum in there. I watered it down with asparagus piss oh all right bro because he tried i was dating this girl and he tried uh well i was dating three girls and play were these the three women you saw naked yes yeah i became a player it came to fruition no i i was i was just dating these three girls and he told this one girl that i was

dating this other girl just so you could get with her oh and like this guy was my bro right and he sold you out he sold yeah right so i uh i did some devious shit like i didn't talk to him for a year yeah because the girl moved away to like alabama right uh or wherever they fuck cousins. One of those places. And so I told and like her handle, her internet handle was destiny777. Okay. Okay. And this is like AOL instant messenger days. Yeah.

So I made a destiny777 at hotmail.com. Oh, nice. And I emailed him and I told him, hey, I'm coming back for like Easter, summer break, spring break. Erica's going to throw me a party. I'd really like you to be there. I know why I put on a girl voice when typing.

I don't know why I did my nails. Hey, Jonathan. It's me, Deaf Debbie. It's me your mom I had to spell everything Def It's like story checks out It's me your mom

What does he mean by the mom Oh But um So he was like responding Okay yeah cool I'll come to the party And I had my friend Erica Was gonna throw a party for Katie Was my friend erica uh was was gonna throw a party for katie was the girl's name yeah katie was gonna come home right so um katie then

was like oh i don't have the money to come and i told erica i was like still have the party keep the party going yeah and uh three days before it before the party i went and I bought a super soaker. And at work, I ate nothing but asparagus and drank cranberry juice. And I would get like a big 36-ounce or 32-ounce jar. And every time I had to piss, I pissed into this jar. Now you brought this jar to work? Yeah. I was serving. It's not like I worked in an office.

Okay, so you're outside. Yeah, I was out in the field. People weren't incredulous when you're like, I'll be right back, and then you had a jar of piss? No, I told them what I was going to do, and then no one believed me. That's the worst part. When people tell you they're going to do something horrible, believe them. I think that's what drove me is that no one thought I would actually do it. Yeah, it's basically a green light at that point.

No one stopped me. I tried to tell you. I told you all knew exactly what I was going to do. Yeah, you're accomplices at this point. So I pissed in the jars and then like i got home and i jerked off into a cup yeah and so it was just one load in there it's okay just one load like like like you're in the courtroom you're on it was just one your honor come on who amongst us and not like're like, I've been backed up for a few days load.

This is like a daily, you know. It's really just medicinal at this point. It's not much. Yeah, it's a maintenance load. Yeah, exactly. So I filled the super soaker, right? And then, like, people were, like, telling me, like, hey, look, don't. I guess they were like, oh, he actually has a super soaker full of piss.

And, like, my plan was, and everybody was cool with the plan of me luring downstairs to the basement, beating the shit out of him, and then spraying him with the super soaker piss. Wow. And cum and be like, what's my cum taste like? Or something cool. I hadn't worked out. You're picturing your comic book panel of what you say. Like, if I was on Die Hard.

Right, right, right, right. This was going to kill him. And the camera view is from the bottom, and you're looking down at him. Oh, how very reservoir dogs. Yes, yes, yes, yes. So the day of the party comes. Uh-huh. And I still brought the super soaker, and it was there.

And they're like, dude, don't fucking do it. And my one buddy was like, dude, just talk shit to him. Hold off until I'm there, and then we'll just jump him. Real quick, how many days in the making is this? Like, in total, it was maybe like a month. A month is a long time. Yeah. Are you still pissed off throughout the month?

Oh, yeah. Another thing I didn't mention, I was on creatine with a testosterone booster because I was working out. Okay, so you're pissed at everything. Yeah, I was having rages. You already have a short fuse, and this guy's like, hey, he's cheating. No, you're like, I'll fucking kill you, motherfucker. All right, so a month. I was going to say, because a month is a long time, because I have a very similar story,

but it took place within like an hour. Yeah, because you're being very supportive during this whole story. No one's calling me a monster. No, not i want to hear okay i have a similar thing but mine took place like immediately like this is month like this is a month of planning that would that and the fun part was the planning like to see when once okay so anyway this is where you're like diabolical yeah yeah yeah because i'm, it's going to be like Superman versus Lex Luthor. Uh-huh. And so... Oh, God. Oh, we're good.

Sorry. We just died. You will hear our death. Almost died. This is my death beg to die. I'm sorry, Jonathan. This is TMZ. Man that came in a super soaker once died. So, the night of the party comes. Now, there's still like 20 people at this party

Yeah Because she still kept the party going And I told everybody I was like look This party's a sham When the guy gets here I'm going to beat him up So 8 o'clock comes he's not there

9 o'clock comes he's not there Well he doesn't want to be an idiot You don't want to show up too. 9 o'clock comes, he's not there. Well, he doesn't want to be an idiot. You don't want to show up too early. 10 o'clock, ironically, or coincidentally, I'm taking a piss. And I'm picturing you just pumping the super sucker the entire time.

They talked me out of it. It's just sitting in a corner now. Like it's a real gun. Tommy, put it down, man. So now, my friend Carolyn, she knocks on the door of the bathroom like tommy he's here and i'm like all right and i'm lit i hear limp biscuit playing you know break stuff yep and then uh they were then she was like he brought people with him words like words out but they're little and i'm like fuck them right so i come outside yeah he's walking

up the steps to the porch and the porch has a railing like a four foot railing that goes around it right right and uh he's coming up the steps and as i'm coming out the door i see him and i'm like what's up bitch as soon as i said bitch uh-huh i saw red oh and i just shove him. And he stumbles back, flips over the balcony, and falls into the bushes. And he's struggling like a turtle trying to get. And I'm like, I yelled to the girl's cousin. I'm like, get my gun. As soon as he heard gun, he's like. So he brings the super soaker, and I just fucking While he's laying there

He can't fucking move So finally And the whole time He's getting up I'm still soaking him Yeah He goes Walks over to his friends

Which was one of his Ex-girlfriends That I fucked out of spite And then This friend of his That he was hanging out with That we used to call Pain Huffing Doug

Pain Huffing Doug And we I've just fucking Soaked all three of them And he got in his car and drove away at first because when you say get my gun like when you soaked him with piss he must have been like oh thank god yeah like that's a weird thing to go from like a real like he thinks you're gonna fucking cap him like this fucking testosterone steroid like roided up dudes like get my gun he's like oh this isn't that bad.

Oh, yeah. But you could smell it. Like, have you ever? Ah, yeah. It was asparagus. Yeah. And cum. Well, also, it's like festering piss in there.

Yeah, and it'd be sitting there. And pee-us. Like, I'm sure, like, they got in the car and somebody was like, Jesus Christ, dude. What is this? What do you suppose this is? Is that Calvin Klein? Is that Burger and Fart? What is that? What is this? What do you suppose this is? Is that Calvin Klein? Is that Burger and Fart? What is that?

What is that? So, like, the next, and I still had some piss left. So, like, the next day. Yeah, you can't waste it. I sent him a message from the fake account. And I was like, hey, hey, it's me. I heard what Tommy did. He's a jerk.

I was at the gas station getting Pepsi and cigarettes. And I was like, do you want to meet at the Double station getting pepsi and cigarettes and i was like do you want to meet do you want to meet at the double t diner and he was like no i think i'm done blah blah blah and then that's when i was like it's been me this entire time and he was like i knew it was you i was like the fuck you did you fucking idiot oh i played him it's so like early internet. You're like, no, no, no. Reply. Yeah. No, you did it. Caps lock. Hold on.

Edit. Bold. Italicize. You wait until emojis are invented. But now like he won't accept my friend request on Facebook. Oh, really? What a fucking asshole. Why would he? I thought we'd moved past it.

That was when we were kids. Hey, man, you know, I shot common piss in your face. My bad. We were young, huh? We all make mistakes. Whatever. He betrayed me. Yeah.

He stabbed me in the back. So now tell me yours. Oh, mine is very tame compared to yours. I was in middle school and we had a bus stop and there were like, you know, in the bus stop you have the neighborhood kids every morning and every afternoon same group it's like four or five of us and uh there was this one girl that i had a real crush on and she was friends with this one girl who was a total bitch this was like maybe sixth or seventh grade maybe and um i forget what like i took myself like kind of seriously like I remember I was like putting

gel in my hair and shit like that and what grade was this again like six or seven maybe might even been like fifth grade it was like early on it was like either like late elementary school or like early middle school so somewhere in there and early for gel and stuff I know I was going for it I was really going for it and. And I remember it was this girl. So it was this girl, Amanda, that I really liked. And then her neighbor was Amy. Blonde and had breasts. And that's all she needed.

And I remember actually when I first sat next to Amanda in elementary school, I could see her breathing in her sweater, and I was like, damn. I just remember looking at her chest. I remember telling my mom that story, and she was like, that's when I knew I was in trouble. What color was her sweater? It was pink.

And it had a little white design in it, and it was just something. I was like, wow, that's something. Girls breathe, huh? Look at that. Look at the breath on that. Yeah, exactly. Look at where breath should that. Look at the breath on that. Yeah, exactly. Look at where breath should be.

Look at the lungs on this bitch. The way she takes in air. Nice clavicle and split tail. Takes in oxygen, puts out carbon dioxide. She's a thing of beauty. Oh, look at the aerobic process. There it is. There it is.

Okay, so. So anyway, so I had known this girl for a little bit and now we kind of live by each other and i kind of had a crush on her but i'm not really saying anything and this chick amy who i had actually been like oh i kind of like you too i was i was big into the ladies and i remember she turned me down i was like oh fuck her she's the devil and so we had like kind of a little bit of a contentious relationship and one day for some reason when we got off the bus i think it was like a friday so we're all kind of just standing there like talking like you want to play tag later nice and amy out of nowhere throws her gatorade all over me gets in my hair gets on my white shirt

and i was like what the fuck is i was ready to kill her right yeah and i had no reason i i didn't i i didn't know why she threw red gatorade at me but she had she'd done it so i went back and like i i called amanda you know they live next to each other amanda and amy right right down the street from me i was like look i want you to call amy over to your house in like 15 minutes she's's like, well, she did that thing. I was like, yeah, I know. Just, just call her over. So I just, I go and I get a bottle and I was like, she throws Gatorade on me. So I just got this nasty mix of whatever's in the fridge. One of those things where it's like lemon juice, beef stew, like whatever it was, I just threw it in a

bottle. And then I was like, and then I had to pee and I was like, I'm going to piss in this. So I pissed at it too. And I just had another Gatorade bottle. So I go to Amanda's house. And we go out the back at the, like, sliding back door to her little, like, mini little patio where the steps are. And she calls Amy over. And Amy comes running in the backyard. And she's like, hey, what's up? And I was just like, oh, this is what's up.

And just, like, threw it all over. And she's like, what is that? I was like, it's my pee. And she's like, ew, what's up? And I was just like, oh, this is what's up. Just like threw it all over. She's like, what is that? I was like, it's my pee. And she's like, ew. And then ran home. And I felt so vindicated. But it was everything was in there. Like one of those things you do when you're little.

Like, let's just get all the stuff in the fridge. You put leaves in here. Yeah, exactly. So mine's not nearly as bad as yours. No, yours is bad. Because it was a little girl. Yeah, it was. It's not like I was like 25.

I was like, call her over. Thank God there was no coming. Call her over. Yeah, I don't even think I could come at that point, even if I wanted to. But either way. So I got some neighbor come. There's a guy next door who had been making this stuff every day. So I just got some of his reserve.

But, yeah, so I understand that impulse in the moment i don't know if i would have set it up for a month i was insane on yeah you were also supplements yeah you're also much older too yeah i old enough to know but but uh so did you ever find out why i don't remember. Well, I think it would have been a thing where we would, like, make jabs at each other, take jabs and make fun of each other and that type of thing, you know. Like, yeah, well, you're stupid. She had red hair.

And I remember being like, hey, copper top and that type of thing. So, maybe I would say some shit and then she just threw the Gatorade on me. You dug too hard. Yeah, yeah. Well, I struck a, and then I threw my pee on her. Well, that's what you get. That's the Josh Kudernas. You mess with the bull, you get the piss. The Josh Kudernas story.

This isn't going to play well in your biography, though. No, I think it's good. It's a lovable story. I have to make it a bully did that. To me? Yeah. To me, yeah. I have to make it a bully did that. To me? Yeah. To me, yeah. I had red hair as a young man.

I was a young ginger child. I was a young red-headed girl. And boy, did I have a temper. And I wasn't afraid to let the boys know it. All right, Tommy, we've successfully told stories all the way back to Baltimore. We're pulling back into Baltimore now. I think we can wrap this thing up, unless you have any other stories you want to tell.

No. Nothing off the top of the head. All right. All right. Well, we're both on the fabulous Thunder Grunt network. We are. Thundergrunt.com. And we have a live show coming up.

Another live show at the Wind Up Space here in Baltimore. January 3rd. There it is. January 3rd. That's a Saturday. Free show. A bunch of live podcasts. We're trying to get a big guest.

I'm working on somebody, and we're trying to line up the schedule now. We also have, with the new addition to the network, the Curioso podcast. We have Christopher Scarborough of the Curioso podcast, and he does sideshow acts. So he'll be doing his sideshow act. Okay, cool. So it'll actually be his sideshow act. Okay, cool. So it'll actually be fun stuff to see live as well as some live podcasts. The first night was a lot of fun, man. I had a blast. It was awesome.

Twitter, anything else you want to plug, Tommy? Facebook, Twitter. Just in general? Just the internet. Check them out. You guys heard of the internet? Tommy Sinbazo, S-I-N-B-A-Z-O, on Twitter and Facebook. I just had some of my leather work got used in a photo shoot. Really?

For what? They wanted to do a tattooed Game of Thrones thing. I'm like, I don't think my stuff will apply, but here's a giant storage bin full of it i think it could are you into game of thrones uh yeah i mean we watch it yeah yeah you're not crazy about it yeah i mean i'm not like yeah i mean i used to larp so you have to like it if you larp at least say it so casually look bro i used to larp larp all right something may not know about me i spray motherfuckers with piss i like to eat eggs and a LARP. I throw foam ice balls.

You know what I'm talking about? You know what I'm talking about? All right, Tommy. Well, yeah, so check out ThunderGrun.com, DigressionSessions.com. If you guys could rate and review us on iTunes and Stitcher, follow me on Twitter. It's at Josh Koderna.

The podcast is at DigSeshPod. And, yeah, thanks for listening, guys. We've been a little erratic as far as when we're putting stuff out, but thank you for sticking with us while I try to figure out the schedule of putting podcasts out. And, all right, Tommy, I think this is it. We had a good time tonight. Thanks for listening. Yeah, we can continue to tell stories with the microphones off.

Okay. All right. Bye, everybody. Good night. Bye-bye. And remember, Bye, everybody. Good night. Bye-bye. And remember, marvel in what you can achieve. I'm throwing this and cum on somebody. Thank you.