The Digression Sessions - Ep. 15 OneFoxyComic w/ Justin Jones!

Episode Date: December 12, 2011

Heyyy nowwwwwwwwww, Digheads! Your two favorite ear buds - Mike Moran and Josh Kuderna are back! And we brought one foxy comic with us. His name is Justin Jones. He's a comedian that hails from Baltimore. And we talk a whole bunch of smack about, but not limited to: Die Hard, Human Centipede 2, Christian Scientists, cat videos, Justin Jones, youtubes, Whose Line Is It Anyway en Espanol!, Metallica, sexy sex, ad much much more! Rate and subscribe to our show on the iTunes! Plz! Thanks! Check out all that is Justin Jones here - http://www.youtube.com/user/onefoxycomic?feature=watch @theejustinjones @jkuderna @michaelmoran10 [e-mail]

Oh yeah, what's going on out there in iTunes land? Podcastville. Audio recording county. All our favorite people out there in the audio world. It's your two favorite earbuds. The municipality of audio stimulation. It's your two favorite earbuds. I'm Josh Koderna.

And I'm Mike Moran. Hi, everybody. Welcome to another Digression Sessions. Are you ready to digress? In a sense, before? I guess. Just answer for the big heads? Well, I was thinking maybe we could use that in a song.

Digress and I guess. That might be good. I guess it's time to digress. We should probably be a little bit more confident in ourselves then, I guess. And I don't know if my mic's on. Go on to Microsoft Word and look up synonyms for positive. Okay. I'm only showing an synonyms for positive. Okay. Yeah.

I'm only showing antonyms right now. And Mike Moran is the number one thing that keeps popping up. So what's going on, Josh? Nothing, you know, just living in this crazy workaday world. You know, living out my dream in a cubicle under fluorescent lights. Right. Love it. Are there really fluorescent lights right love it really fluorescent lights in the office uh-huh is that standard that seems like what you put in the basement of a

warehouse yeah i actually work in the basement of a warehouse that was my dream but i'm tired of all this sunlight i'm tired of all this human interaction you work in like a uh a factory like massively live but there's a cubicle wrapped around you to make you feel more professional. People are tired of looking at me. I wanted to raise. Come in with a tie on. Give you a cubicle. Still come home with soot all over my

face for some reason, but I have a suit. I worked with a guy once who was really creepy. I think he was a manager. He's like, you want a raise? Why don't you go stand on a chair? Okay. Can we get him on the show?

Yeah, he'll be on next week. It'll be Crazy Ron. The Ron. The Roninator. Crazy Ron in the morning. The Roninator. The best funny for your money. The best how, with the most pizzazzo. So much humor, it'll give you a tumor.

That was my Dan the Man set. I like that. That's good. Shout out to Dan the Man. Speaking of man, how the hell are you, Mike Moore-man? You're asking me if I'm Mormon? That was my sneaky way to find out. no not yet um maybe in a latter day you'll be a mormon yeah or maybe latter today we'll see i'm well i'm well can't complain things are going well good good um not a whole lot to report hopefully I'll be in the next issue

of Skeptic Magazine which I believe comes out next week I don't know I don't think it's going to work out yeah I mean you have to look at these things

realistically I guess yeah the odds are kind of against me that's for sure you are the 99% true played my first show with Polaroid Rage

you may have heard of them because you play drums for them You are the 99%. True. Played my first show with Polaroid Rage. You may have heard of them because you play drums for them. Big Heads might have heard of that band, maybe. Yeah, hopefully. Deep Cuts. Deep Cuts for the Big Heads. Yeah, played a show at the Record Theater. It was... It was...

I mean, it was... We certainly played the show. It wasn't bad. I mean, it was a good warm-up show for me. Yeah, it was good. It was an awesome stage. Everything sounded really good. I'm pumped about it.

I think it's going to be a good band. All right, all right. You're already in. You can keep jerking me off under the table, though. You're in the band, for sure. So you don't have to pay taxes. Kosher hand job. Was that hand blessed?

Just the hand? I swear someone was trying to convince me the other day that the blessing from the rabbi actually makes the food taste better. It was me. Was that you? Yeah. Okay. No, I was just saying that the kosher pizza from this one place,

I don't know what it's called, but I work with a guy. Oh, that's right. And then we made jokes about the rabbi dust dust boom rabbi dust like he's the the jewish emerald if we called a pizza place in order to coach your pizza from you don't have a rabbi there bless it there's just a rabbi with like a green papa john shirt on like all right all right i'll do it i guess all right yeah the uh the show at the wrecker went good the band before us was uh very very close to being papa roach i think in a couple more years they can do it i was shocked that band still exists yeah they were killing it are are you know getting out their their oldus albums and dressing up in borderline hip-hop clothes.

Incubus, I would not put in the same sentence with Papa Roach. Pretty different. Well, much better. I wouldn't say that they're necessarily that different. Incubus never did the whole rap rock thing, though. They had a DJ. Yeah, but they never rapped.

That was never part of the music. Yeah, but I mean, you know, that whole... Just, you know. That whole time in music. I would put Faith No More kind of in that genre too, but they just did it very well. Compared to Papa Roach and... I would say

you're lying, but I don't want to lose another bet. Big heads. Big heads. I lost that bet. Turns out Dee Snider did do the voice for MSNBC So that means that Josh Kaderna Will be a changed man As he will be one of those people

You've heard about Who's a shell of a person now Who's actually viewed the human centipede too We're going to have Shepard Pratt on speed dial Oh my god The greatest cinematic masterpiece of our time or any other yeah until human centipede 3 comes out right yeah you know what i heard that they do not go full sequence in this one though like they promised in the subtitle oh spoiler

alert i guess i don't have to watch it now thanks right that's off i don't think that's the most shocking part about it i don't think that's the most shocking part about it. I don't think that's the part you're going to walk away being disturbed by. Like, oh my god. The subtitle was misleading. Where the fuck was the full sequence? I just smashed my TV. Apparently this one's in black and white. Yeah, and they have a really creepy guy playing the main.

And apparently he's actually pretty enjoyable as a character outside of the hardness. I hear it's pretty gnarly. He hits people in the mouths with hammers. I heard that it's actually, because of the lead actor, it's actually pulled off in a decent way outside of the absolute. I mean, they just pushed the limits with the cruelty and the nihilism and the gore. All right. Well, maybe on like a Sunday afternoon, I'll just pour a glass of wine, curl up and check out.

You're not allowed to get trashed for this, by the way, Josh. I'm not going to get trashed. You're not allowed to be completely inebriated for your bad punishments. I don't remember that being a stipulation of the bet. Let's just move on, okay? Let's just move on. You're not allowed to be in a blackout. All right, that's fair. Well well i want to actually witness the movie no no i don't i really don't

well then maybe we should throw in part one as well no let's go ahead and put part three on the netflix queue i don't think part three's they're probably filming it now but isn't there like something or you can reserve movies that are like kind of being filmed currently sure or yeah i mean stuff that's in the theaters i think you can is that as far as it goes you can't like you can't like reserve a movie that's you know like like a good day to die hard i couldn't i couldn't no i don't think so as an american i think you should but what are some other like good die hard titles they could come up with? Live Free or Die Hard. A Good Day to Die Hard is the next one.

What about Roll the Die Hard. I don't know. A Roll of the Die. What about Live and Let Die Hard. Win, Lose, or Tie Die.

No? We should have jobs in Hollywood. I'm sorry, I missed. What was your last one? Live and Let Die Hard, which actually could be feasible. Yeah, I could see the Guns N' Roses track in the trailer, too.

It's like, so live and let die. Go, go, go, go. You know, he's like shooting people or flying a jet or whatever he did in the last one. Right. All right. What about like, do not ingest purple dye hard? So it's the plot of the movie accidentally ingest.

Make a chain food dye hard. Well, that could work. Maybe he battles the Chinese who are putting all poisons in food dyes or something like that. And then John McClane has to bring down the entire... Well, I don't think the movie has to have anything to do with the title

necessarily. Well, this is where we disagree again. Don't you wish they didn't kill off the bad guy in the first one now? I'd love to see him in the back. Jeez, what's with you and spoiler alerts today? All right. Let's move on. Let's bring our guest in this week.

Yes, and ask him about Die Hard. You know him as the man distributing roofies all over your local playground, Mr. Justin Jones. How dare you say that about me? That's not true at all Your name's not Justin Jones? No that is You're not our guest

You got me good How are you Justin? I am great today Today I am feeling very well Good I'm medicated Oh yeah It's good man

What do you got? I got it all, brother. All the drugs? No comment. Oh, whoa. For legal reasons. Allegedly. Yeah.

Allegedly. Allegedly. You guys sound like you're doing well. Yeah. Things are good. Going good. Yeah, things are good. Can't complain.

Living the dream. Living the dream. Dreaming to live. Josh and I are working very hard at our various projects. Yep. Yep. We've got a six foot by six foot God's Eye that's very close to finished. Yeah.

A lot of good colors in there. Both becoming God sized. Great. Yes. Yes. And fun sized. Yep. Nothing wrong with that.

Just like a Snickers. We're now in 36 bands together. Mm-hmm. It's going good. I'm loving it. Loving it. And, yeah. That's great.

You're good, Mr. Justin Jones, Baltimore comedian and beyond. You may have seen his cat videos. He likes to show off where his cat goes to the bathroom. Yeah, cat bathroom. Your cat uses the bathroom? Well, yes, it does, actually. A kitty bathroom. Yeah, they call it a litter box.

And what happens is the cat goes into the litter box and poops and pees in the litter box. Wow. Are you getting this, Mike? It does number one and number two in the litter box. It's amazing. What's your cat's name? Lucy. Lucy.

And I also have a cat named May. Mayhem and Lucifer. Oh. Much more dark than one would think upon first hearing the names. Yeah, I was about to say, those names are cute. Yeah, they're cute all the time. Nuts. Yeah.

You ever go 1.5? Let's take a break. Because I just did. Justin Jones. Yes. I am here. Let's take a break. So Justin Jones, comedian.

How long have you been in the game, sir? The stand-up comedian game. I normally don't say. I don't like to tell people, to be honest with you. It's been more than 100 days. I can say that. All right. More than 100 days.

And less than? Less than 55,432 days. So mathematically. You just missed the cutoff. We do have requirements. No! Now I'll never be cool. Well, you might. You can start smoking.

That helps. I tell you what, it couldn't fucking hurt. I'll give it a try. Why not? Smooth, smooth Marlboro. Brought to you by your sponsors. They can ban them from television advertisements But they haven't touched podcasts yet No sir

I think I'll have the delicious flavor of one right now Our listeners are in podcast land But we're in flavor country right now You know Josh Moving on Yes Mike Did you know that scientists have yet to find a positive correlation Between cigarettes and lung cancer?

I'm not shocked at all, those silly scientists. Yep, and Surgeon General can't touch us here. They just make them up anyway, those scientists in there. Facts. Yep. Let's not forget what they did during the Holocaust. Yeah, and the Christian scientists are pretty bad, too. Oh, my God.

Somebody should monitor them in some type of paper. Yeah, like that guy, Barack Obama. I think monitor them. Christian scientists. Yeah. Like that guy, Barack Obama. I think he's a Christian scientist. Is he really? Yeah, I guess so. So he doesn't ever go to the doctor? No. Why would he?

He's the president of the United States. He doesn't have to go to the doctor. He is the doctor. That's Barry Obama. Christian scientist and leader of the free world. My man. Do Christian scientists not go to the doctor? That's the number one thing they've got to sign off on.

That's pretty bold to be like, I'm a Christian scientist and I don't believe in science. Like why? Well, I think Jim Henson was also. That's part of the reason why he died. You know, I think I heard that too, actually. Yeah. Yeah, it's like the Lord will heal you. Yeah.

That's so stupid. James Hetfield's mother was one. I can see that. Look how he turned out. If you can recall the God That Failed off of the Black Album. That song's about? Christian science. What?

I'm fairly certain, yeah. I swear that's about his hamster that died in the seventh grade. His hamster? Yeah. It may have been. They probably couldn't take it to the 7th grade. His hamster? Yeah. It may have been. They probably couldn't take it to the vet. That's true. I wonder if you're allowed to take your animals to the vet.

Probably not. Yeah, probably not. Talk about a bad roll of the die. I'd be jealous, you know? I mean, I guess you could like... Right, you're taking your pets to get healed. In Duff McKagan's autobiography, he was talking about how certain STDs,

because none of them had health insurance, it was cheaper to go to a veterinarian and get... Could they do that? Yeah. I guess in Hollywood. In Hollywood, that kind of stuff works very well. In LA... There are certain fish antibiotics that humans can take, too. Wow.

Maybe they just sell them at pet stores. Maybe that's where you can just buy them. Right. Instead of having the human equivalent, which would require a prescription. Right. Wasn't he also a heroin addict? No, I don't think so. I think he was just a drunkie.

He used fish heroin, though, to be fair, right? Which is legal. So good for him for finding a way around the system you know you mentioned cat bathroom it's a video that I made I'm very proud of it actually has 1 trillion 555 thousand

million views on YouTube and it's one of the top viewed videos on YouTube if you go to youtube.com backslash watch question mark V equals PDN 5XU13DMI you can check out Cat Bathroom. What was that URL again?

I'm glad you asked. It's youtube.com backslash watch question mark V equals PDN 5XU 13DMI Oh yeah! Alright! So everybody, go to youtube.com PDN 5XU 13DMI. Oh, yeah. All right. So, everybody, go to YouTube.com.

I'm not going to read it. I've been waiting all day to do that. You have no idea. That was the best. Just go to YouTube and type in one foxy comic. Remember those days when we had to type in an entire address? Yeah. It was earlier today for me.

So, yeah, I remember it well. HTTP colon slash. Oops. Wrong slash. Slash. Slash. How many slashes are there? Front slash and backslash?

Yeah. Okay. What's your favorite slash? Front. Really? Yeah. Justin? That's so typical slash? Front. Really? Yeah. Justin? That's so typical.

Mine would be the backslash. Fuck yeah. Yeah. See, this is typical hipster slash bull. No, I just think it's a better slash. Oh, is it? It's way cool. It actually means something.

Yeah, man. Get with it. Mike Nazi on you. Oh, Josh and your mic adjustment routine. Oh, I was just trying to help you out, man. Get with it. Got to go with Mike Nazi on you. Oh, Josh and your mic adjustment routine. Oh, I was just trying to help you out, Mike. Was that an OCD thing? No, it's just better for the sound. That's important.

Uh-huh. Yeah, it is. On a podcast, I'd say it's the most important thing. Well, and having good music. Yep. Well, that's also sound, if you're not aware. Music. Music?

Oh, I don't know. Mr. Christian Science. The MTV generation over here. I love those music videos. Don't even realize that music is sound. What? Oh, you can turn the sound up on these? What the hell are you talking about?

People are making noises. It's like, I really like little Kim. She's a great artist. Then I finally hear it, and I fall even more in love with her lyrics. She can swallow a Sprite can or something like that. Is that what she says? Yeah, she raps about that. That's stupid.

She can fit a big old dick in her mouth. Why is that something you want to rap about? I mean, I rap about it and I can explain why. Obviously, you want to have street credit. So you brag about that. You want that street credit kids are talking about. Yeah, that

you could suck a huge massive dong. That's a good name for a band. The Girthy Dongs. Wasn't that a country singer from the 60s? Girthy Dong. And now, Girthy Dong. Gerthy Dong. Right. Gerthy Dong. That's a good name for a band. Yeah. The Gerthy Dongs. Wasn't that a country singer from the 60s? Gerthy Dong. And now, Gerthy Dong.

I got a big, I got a big old one. Gerthy Dong. I'm changing my name to that. Gerthy's beautiful. That sounds like a character I may be doing on the open mic scene. Yeah, I did watch. I was checking out some of your videos at youtube.com slash watch question mark V equals P D N 5 X. When can we start inserting the emoticons into web addresses?

I don't know. Tongue sticking out with a slanty mouth. The boobs symbol for porn. You ever done that? The parentheses with the periods in between. Make the boobs. No, that's a great idea, though. Yeah.

Boobs. Boo. Boobs. Let me write this down. One of them dildos. Tooties. Bunch of tooties. That's my character, the redneck.

Inquisitive. Guthrie Dong. One of those dildos. It's about everything. So then he brings home a new cell phone. What's that those, dildos? It's about everything. So then he brings up a new cell phone. What's that iPhone? Dildo? Red Naked thinks everything's a dildo. What are them over there, dildos?

What's a vitamin water? Hot dogs or dildos? A bunch of dildos. Justin, I was watching one of your videos on the YouTubes. Got it. And you intentionally did a terrible set.

Yes. In front of a bunch of college students maybe, but it looked mostly to be an African-American room at College Park. Yeah. And can you do your Kanye West joke if you wouldn't mind? I thought it was hilarious. I don't know if I remember it. That was a long time ago. What was it? Go ahead I don't know if I remember it. That was a long time ago.

Go ahead. I don't even really remember it. It was the opposite. What's the opposite of Kanye West? Kanye East. That was one of the first jokes you'd sold. Nice. Was it crickets?

Yeah. What was the motivation for you to do an intentionally bad set? I was doing a lot of those bringer contests at comedy clubs, and I was not doing well. I mean, I had a good reaction from the crowd, but I wasn't winning. Right. So I was like, you know, screw this. I'm going to do a contest and just do the worst that I can and just be a complete dick and just make fun of the whole process of it.

And I really had a good time doing that. Wow, that takes balls. How did you think that strengthened you as a comedian? Yes, definitely. And I really, you know what, I just enjoyed it. All the comedy that I do is just for me, really. I'm not trying to become famous. I just want to have fun and have a good time.

And I don't care. That's the fun thing to watch, too. It's much more enjoyable. Anybody, music, comedy, watching somebody that's enjoying what they're doing. Right. It makes it more fun. Porn. Oh, my God.

I love it when the ladies have smiles. Well, I mean, most. I think in porn, the women usually do enjoy it. Well, yeah. Right? They get pretty vocal. I mean, they're willingly doing porn. I think they porn, the women usually do enjoy it. Well, yeah. Right? They get pretty vocal. I mean, they're willingly doing porn. I think they enjoy it.

I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. Doug Benson has a joke about porn. He's like, it's a good thing you can't see emotional scars because porn would be disgusting. Why? Lots of emotional scars on the ladies. I don't think so. I think you might be wrong on that one.

No, well... I watch a lot of porn. Probably some sexual abuse going on a little early on. A lot of daddy issues. That's the downside of porn. Yeah. I hate seeing giant cocks, but yeah, I guess that's the downside for you. Oh, you're telling me that giant male genitalia is worse than sexual abuse.

Depending on the situation, yes. I guess they go hand in hand often. That's true. What if she was beaten by her father's giant cock as a young girl? And maybe that's why she's drawn the giant cock now. No, no, no. If that happened, she wouldn't be doing porn. And what did he do with the giant cocks,

Clarice? He beat me with it. Yeah, but that was awesome, man. That definitely took balls to just go up there and purposely tank. I thought the jokes were... I was cracking up because I could hear people laughing in the back too. Did you tell the other comedians what you were going to do?

No. I just, I, I told the MC to tell everyone it was my first time doing comedy. Yeah. Yeah. And, um, shout outs to CJ Bernie. That was the guy. CJ is, he's a regular at the comedy factory now. Oh, cool.

He hosts a lot of shows there and MCs there. Cool. I'll never get any work there because of, you because of that set I did at that contest, obviously. But that's okay. Moving on. We're being upbeat. No, you were really funny. Thank you.

When you went to the stage and you're like, it's good to be here. And then you pulled this note out of his pocket. It's like, college park. It was awesome, man. I was cracking up. Well, you know, if people want to watch it, go to OneFoxyComic. That's my screen name, handle. I don't know what they call it.

Your handle. On the instant messengers. Yeah. It's all one word. OneFoxyComic. Check that out and become my friend and watch my videos. All four of them. How pissed is Jamie Foxx that you stole his handle?

I haven't really gotten that many letters from him. A couple bricks through your window though. And he burned a cross on my front lawn. Weird. I know. That's just trying to fuck with you, right? That's weird. It is weird. Did you know he changed his name

to sound feminine so he would get more stand-up gigs? Yeah. Smart. Isn't that weird? Yeah. Maybe I can do that. I could be Justine Jones. Yeah.

You know what would be a great idea? What if I performed in drag as Justine Jones? I feel like you've had this idea kind of swirling around for a while. And now you finally can dress in drag. I saw a comedian, a local comedian here, Violet Gray, who actually I thought was a woman. But after buying him her a lot of drinks. Really? And disappointed to find out that it was not really a woman. It was a man in drag.

Supposedly... The real question is how and when did you discover this? Suck in his dick. Wait a minute! Whoa! You are not a woman. Or a hermaphrodite.

You're just a man. My wife is going to be so mad at me. I mean, it's just... Whoa, whoa. You are married, aren't you, Justin? Yeah, I'm married. So my wife would have been really mad about that. To your job?

Yes, I'm married to my job as a karate fighter. How long have you been married? I've been married just for a few months now. Weird. It's all right. I mean, it's great. It's great. God, I'm being recorded. I should months now. It's all right. I mean, it's great. It's great.

God, I'm being recorded. I should say positive. It's wonderful. Are you going to have children sometime soon? Not sometime soon. When can we expect some little JJs running around? Not for a little while. I mean, we live in a pretty crummy part of town. Obviously, it's bad because I said crummy.

So a pretty crummy part of town Here in Baltimore So we're not trying to have kids right now You know that term actually comes from Hansel and Gretel Where they leave their breadcrumbs Like when they say a crummy part of town It's like where you want to follow the breadcrumbs out And you know what else? I just made up that fact Really? That was great

That totally made sense It really did I was trying to make the connection in my brain And you had me. So you share the name of a famous country musician, correct? I don't know. Do I? Who apparently went to my elementary school. Oh, yes. I've heard about this.

Girthy Balls? No. It was Girthy Dong. Girthy Dong, yeah. There's like a famous kind of indie country guy. From Southern Maryland, I guess. From Harrisonburg, Virginia, where I grew up. Yeah, I guess I've heard about that.

But he's never contacted me. You've never had any weird... No, not at all. There's no wacky stories where you go to this country and western bar. No, I can make up one, I guess, if you really want. Somebody slid me a cold glass of sarsaparilla. Sarsaparilla. Who thought that would be a good marketing term for a soda?

Is it soda? Coke, Pepsi, sarsaparilla. Yes. It's like the original. I think it's like the template for root beer and birch beer. That's not too bad. And cream soda. What's his name?

Sam Elliott in Big Lebowski drinks a... Oh, yeah. Sarsaparilla. Yeah. Got a good Sarsaparilla friend. What was the point of that there? That he was a teetotaler? I thought he was God, actually, in the movie.

So what was the point of him not drinking alcohol? That he was God. Just wanted to maintain movie. So what was the point of him not drinking alcohol? That he was God. Just wanted to maintain purity, I guess. Was he God? That's really your analysis? Yeah, because he was narrating the entire movie. And he knew all about the dude's life, pretty much, the way he's introducing him. And then he's like, do you have to use so many cuss words?

I think that was supposed to be God. So the religious right, the moral majority, they're kind of right about what God is. A white cowboy who likes sarsaparilla? Yeah. Yeah. Who doesn't curse. If it's Sam Elliott, I'm down with that.

Has he ever played anything where he wasn't wearing a cowboy hat? Yes. He was in Thank you for smoking but he played the marlboro man but he played an argument there he played a latter-day marlboro man so he wasn't actually wearing right but he was still playing cowboy he's playing a guy that played a cowboy yeah but he never wore a cowboy hat in the movie, I don't think. He just has cancer. Guys, I don't know if we should talk about this. You might be pissing off the sponsors.

Yes. Exactly. Sponsored by cancer. Now in chocolate flavor. Surgeon General warning, cancer may cause cancer. Cancer is cancer. Delicious. Now in your pancreas.

You guys, are you on Twitter? Yeah. Yeah. Individually. Wow, what's up? Are you about to plug your Twitter? You are a shameless... You are a shameless...

I am. I only have... If you heard that five years ago, it would have sounded so dirty. Yeah. Justin Jones is about to plug his Twitter. I am. Cut the mics. He's plugging his Twitter. Cut the mics. He's plugging his Twitter. Cut the mic.

Cover your eyes. I started Twittering two weeks ago. I like it actually. I'm a newbie to Twitter as well. I haven't really kept up much with it. I should. I don't have a smartphone so you know I can't

do it. I have Twitter but it's stupid because I have to wait until I go home. If I'm in a hot spot, I can do it with my iPod. I like it. I think it's fun. It's interesting. I enjoy reading people's witty comments. I should get

back into it. It's all right. It was exciting for me for a couple days, and I just kind of got out of it. Mike, what was your one about asian uh you had an asian joke on twitter about by asian do you mean oriental yes good you had a joke about chinaman i'm pretty sure chinaman no asians uh elections oh why was it that i thought i just thought about that in my head a little bit and dismissed it i actually put that out there yeah well my friend scott my friend scott retweeted it that's how i saw it like um asian people have huge no elections or something no that's pretty good why do they love democratic viagra?

I think it was. Really? I just thought of that. I'm not in your head. Apparently you are. Okay, here's a good premise for the show. Stuff on Twitter is appearing from my head. I didn't even write it.

So that's it? So that's it? That's your movie pitch? Yeah. It really straightened my thoughts pretty quickly. It's good. Can we make it NC-17? I think it would have to be with Mike's mind. A lot of gay sex

in that one. The conclusion would be that it's some new experimental Twitter feed thing that they're experimenting on me with. Where thoughts just go right to Twitter. So this would be in the future? Sponsored by Twitter.

It'll be like the social network. Yeah, except for with me and Twitter. And robots. I want to see you pitch that to a Hollywood executive. It'd be just like the social network, but with me. Imagine the social network meets Total Rico. Boobs. Mike Moran. And digression sessions.

Total Rico meets digression sessions. It'd be like a social network, but more chicks with three boobs. Well, slightly more. Just a couple. Yeah, but what is your twiddle? What's a twiddle handle?

What's a twiddle handle? Actually, I really wanted to ask you what yours was. I know, well, Josh, you follow me. I follow you, but I didn't. I'm not sure what Mike's is. I just follow Jesus. I was kind of putting it out there to see what

Mike's Twitter was.? I just followed Jesus. I was kind of putting it out there to see what Mike's Twitter was. Let's take a break. We're going to take a break. Excuse me. Someday I'm going to have control of that board. Never. And we're back. All right.

What was your Twitter handle? Michael. Take your. Unless there's a button on there that says. Sorry, what? This is the level of. Go ahead. Professionally.

This might be the last. Do you not want people to follow you? This is really mature. Oh, yeah. It's all good. This is good. I'm going to write stuff down and Justin Jones is going to say it for me.

No, no, no. You can't do that. My name's Justin Jones, and I smell. Hey! I didn't. That wasn't actually. He spelled Jones wrong. Write that down.

That's funny. Change that into something. What's the other thing I was thinking of that you need to make into a bit that you want to steal if you don't make into a bit? The Cyndi Lauper thing? Americans just want to have guns? No. It's something I was thinking about in the shower today. Me nude?

That'd be another funny joke. What was that thing I was talking about in the shower today? Oh, you mean Holocaust? There's some jokes that I'm working on regarding pizza bagels frozen pizza and the holocaust and pizza

pizza hut I've got a whole set of hut jokes playing dominoes dominoes pizza you're going to get lots of corporate gigs bullies you could be the official comedian You're going to get lots of corporate gigs. Pizza Hut. Bowls. Bullies. You could be the official comedian at Pizza Hut.

Here comes a jalapeno pizza to the stage, which you can get for $11.99. Ah, the fresh, delicious taste of Pizza Hut pizzeria-style pizza. Mmm. Delicious. Warm and delicious. Delicious digression sessions. Uh, no. Is that not ringing any bells? No.

Wait, was it about Pizza Hut? No. I do have a joke that I'm working on on pizza bagels, though. Yeah, you told me that one's funny. All right. I like that one. If you were to be hit by a car tomorrow, could I have that? It seems like a joke you might say.

It seems a little dark for you, but I think it's more in your style. In my wheelhouse? I think it's in your dark wheelhouse. That didn't make any sense, what you just said. You're like, I think that joke is for you. It's a little dark for you, but I think it's good for you. Yeah, it's like saying, I have something exactly like that, but it's brown and it has a stripe on it.

Exactly. That's exactly. I literally have something exactly like that. So the pizza bagel joke that I'm working on is they say you can eat a pizza. Oh, God. I love it. Wow. Fucked up.

That's it? That's it. That's great. That's it. Thanks. More comedians. You can eat pizza. Jokes like that.

Justin, I should bring you over more often. I can relate to that. You're very encouraging. I like that. I, I should bring you over more often. You're very encouraging. I like that. I like it, yeah. Now, they say when pizza's on a bagel, you can eat pizza any time. But somebody should tell my grandpa that. Because he was literally staring at me the entire time during my grandma's funeral.

You're going to have to streamline that punchline a little bit. My grandpa was staring daggers into me during my... No, my grandma... My grandpa was staring... You should tell my fellow Paul No, my grandma or my grandpa was staring... You should tell my fellow Paul there. How about that? Yeah, that shortens it. See, Justin and I know.

Yeah, you gotta shorten it. I don't write jokes like that. That's funny. My jokes are not funny. My jokes are really stupid and not funny at all. That's why they put me on shows. Yeah, they are like Josh's. They put me... I think I get put on shows because I make the other comedians look a lot better. No.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's what happens. Yeah. You're like really... I'm that guy. I'm okay with it. That's fine.

I don't mind. So come see me at Magoobie's Joke House, December 29th. $30, check it in. 30th with Larry Lancaster. 12 drink minimum. Oh, my goodness. Magoobies.com, December 29th and 30th. How would you describe your comedy, Justin? I think he just did, didn't he?

Awful, stupid, awful. No, you just have to add good to all of those things. Awful, good. Stupid, good. That's just stupid good. You could be my manager. You should be my manager. That was really well said. No problem.

I'm on it. I don't know how to describe my comedy. It's dumb good. Hold on. We're going to have to take a quick little break. And we're back it's all good sorry about the break dig heads let's keep it going we were talking to justin uh on the break about his favorite sitting position yes well i don't know if i want to put this out there because i've gotten in trouble in the past, but I work in the education field. And we...

It's weird, because I work in a minefield. Sorry. You look great, though. You haven't lost any limbs, or... Well, I had several extra ones that are now gone. That's why I thought it would be a good career for me. So it worked out okay. My dad, Ganesh, is so pissed off.

What? Ganesh the Elephant. He has six years. Ah, good one. Thanks. That's for all of our... Indian listeners. English listeners.

Indian style jokes. Yes, Indian style. So you can't say that anymore if you work in a public school system. You're not supposed to say Indian style. Say Indian style. Now they say crisscross applesauce. That makes sense. Not even Native American style?

I do say that sometimes, but I think that's probably offensive too because I don't really know how Native Americans sat. Yeah. Back in the day. Usually on infected blankets. Pray them together. See, that's a good joke. Thanks.

Good thing you're recording this That is a good premise though You can't use Indian style But what do you Do you know most Native Americans Prefer to be called Indians I didn't I thought they liked to be called Redskins Is that now

Yeah They like it They do I don't know any Native Americans To be honest with you I don't think they're around anymore. They all live in Alaska. I can see how Native American would be offensive.

It's just like... Native American style, now! I think it's just the abrupt change after hundreds of years. Also, it wasn't America to them. I'm not a Native American. It's just forcing.

It's even more. Native land of the buffalo. Yes. Natives of the buffaloes. You gorgeous people. Buffalo people. Yes. That's all I know about Native Americans.

Yeah, I don't know much about them. Native Americans. They're bigger than buffalo. They love diabetes and gambling. Yeah, that's for sure. Yeah, and I think they're Mormons also. Mormons. I'm pretty sure Joseph Smith was an Indian. Yeah, that's for sure. Yeah, and I think they're Mormons also. Mormons. I'm pretty sure Joseph Smith was an Indian.

Oh, yeah. Well, according to Joseph Smith, Jesus was in America back in the day, right? Right, something like that. I talk to Mormons, and I live near Patterson Park, so I talk to them all the time about this and constantly ask them bizarre questions and mess with them. And that is true. I really do do that. They see you coming. You're just like, hey, guys, one more thing.

Elder Rose, you're a king. Oh, fuck. He's not going to convert. Jumps out in the traffic. Joseph Smith saved me. Yeah, exactly. It's fun to talk to them about that. Yeah, Joseph Smith, not exactly like the most glamorous.

He's like a deity, right? He becomes kind of a god when he died, right? I don't know. I don't think anybody prays to him or anything. I think he was just a conduit. But I think he's like Jesus too, isn't he? He found the book or something that Jesus left him because it had God's real writing in it or something.

And only he could read it. I half listened to the answers that the Mormons give me. What about the black people thing? I asked them about that. I'm tired of them. What's your take, Justin? The black people? You mean the native Africans?

Yeah. They love, Mormons love them now, I guess. Well, yeah. I don't know. You can't hate anybody and be in contemporary America and be a popular religion that goes around trying to convert people. Right. I know of some black Mormons, actually.

Mormons, we call them. The ones in Patterson Park. The Jamaicans. Mormons. Mormons. Mormons. The ones in Patterson Park are trying to convert a lot of the Spanish-speaking people. No, it's all right.

I had to give that one to myself. I made a... All right. This conversation... We are digressing. Before we continue, what do you say instead of Native American-style sitting? I say go to Twitter. The Justin Jones.

T-H-E-E. Justin Jones. And the kids are like, what? Yes. Go to Justin Jones. T-H-E-E. Justin Jones. And the kids are like, what? Yes. Go to Justin Jones. At Justin Jones. Yes. I work actually with four-year-olds and five-year-olds.

So Twitter is very confusing to them as they don't even really know how to spell words. The kids these days. I don't know, man. Like in China, they can do it. When I was a kid, we knew everything about the internet. Everything. Yep. Everything I learned about the internet was from war games.

The movie War Games? Yeah. Did they actually reference the internet in that? Was there a form of internet that existed at that time? I believe so, yes, because he was hacking into like... And it was just like... But it was more like a... What's that called?

Where it's confined to like a... Like a thing with the stuff? Where it's not like everywhere. It's like a closed network. Gulag. All right, sure. Grokking? No, there's some term for it.

Intranet, right? Intranet. Yeah. Yeah, that's like where it's... Yeah, okay. Whatever. He ends up saving the monkey from the radiation, so it's all good in the movie.

That's all I learned. Call this episode Spoiler Alert. Jesus Christ. Wait, I think you might be talking about the movie Outbreak. Oh. I think that's what he's talking about. Yeah, monkey versus... So I guess I didn't learn anything about the internet.

No. Sorry. Nope, nope. But you're still sitting crisscross. Applesauce. That's what it is. I don't think we ever said it. We don't say Indian style anymore.

We don't say Native American style. We don't say sit the hell down. We say sit fucking crisscross applesauce, you dickheads. Now, I've been trying to make it more modern. I've been saying crisscross Sonic sauce because kids like Sonic the Hedgehog. Still. They love it. Are the kids into the Sonic?

They love Sonic the Hedgehog. Really? I like that. And Mario and Luigi. It's all I talk about. They've met, right? Like Sonic and Mario now they're owned by the same, I think the companies have merged. I think so because there are games where the characters are all together.

I think Sega was bought by Nintendo or something. Ooh, in their face. I thought PlayStation bought Sega but I could be wrong. I'm pretty sure some agreement has been met where Sonic and Mario are appearing in games together. Do you think they ever merge into one

guy? Like Snario? Mario? If they haven't, they should. You may have just come up with a really new, awesome game for Nintendo Wii. Snario the Plumhog? Exactly. What would that character

sound like? What did Sonic sound like? I don't think he had anything. Then he'd probably sound like Mario. But he'd just talk less. But he'd be really fast, too, right? I guess he'd talk fast. Like a super fast plumber.

Yeah, I guess so. Like he's on speed or something. You haven't thought this through at all. Well, I just came up with it just now. Oh, sure. That idea was so two minutes away. I know. I know.

That's not going to work anyway. Sorry. It'd be like the pred alien pred alien pred alien yeah there's a pred alien in one of those movies now it's a predator and an alien you really should call this spoiler alert wow yeah i know exactly what you're talking about the end of i guess it's alien versus predator yeah i haven't seen it but i heard about yeah yeah that they infect the one that It'd be fun if you referenced a movie that didn't even match up. It's like, yeah, Marley and me.

Turns out there's a predalien. That's what kills the dog at the end. Just a predalien lands. The dog dies at the end. Duh. A dog always has to die. Yeah, I hear that. Remember those stories like when you were a kid?

Like they'd just be like, oh, wonderful little kid stories, getting to know each other. And then like something horrible always has to happen at the end, like the retarded guy dies, or the best friend dies. That's horrible to you. Or someone dies. It'll always be like the retarded best friend,

and they have this wonderful summer together, and then he dies. Right. Like Star Wars? Spoiler alert. The retarded person dies in Star Wars. Spoiler alert. The retarded person dies in Star Wars. Luke Skywalker's retarded. And he kisses his sister. Well, that's he's retarded.

Cut him a break. Cut him a break. He really shouldn't be handling that lightsaber. No, no. He figures it out, though. I do like how the lightsaber is safety proof. It goes off when you take your hand off of it. You know, drop it out, though. I do like how the lightsaber is safety-proof. Like, it goes off when you take your hand off of it, you know? You don't have to drop it on your foot.

Well, didn't stop some people from cutting their hands off. Boiler alert! What if you opened your lightsaber backwards, like you're holding it backwards? It just goes right through you. You've had too much to drink at the Katina. Like, that's a big, serious battle that's about to begin, and the contender just kills himself. It's kind of like that football player who shot himself in the leg.

Plaxico Burris. Yeah, same thing, but more sci-fi kind of reference. A sci-fi version. Both sci and fi. What did you say? Did you say what happened there? Yeah. Plaxico Burris, wide receiver for the New York football giants. Both Psy and Phi. What did you say? Did you say what happened there? Yeah.

Plaxico Burris, wide receiver for the New York football giants. I think this was freshly after they won the Super Bowl, pretty much. He went out to a nightclub, and he got to be strapped at the nightclub, of course. Word. Of course. And he tucked his gun into his sweatpants. And, of course. Why was he wearing sweatpants to a nightclub, first of all?

Yeah. Stug life. Yeah. You don't know, man. So. And what, he shot his leg? Yeah, like the gun went off and he shot himself in the leg. And then he had to go to jail, I think, for a year. For having, like, a firearm.

Okay. It might have been unregistered. Yeah, you know, I think I saw Chuck Clausterman's response to that. Yeah. How, what's, why are guns just going off you know like isn't there a trigger there for a reason they're sensitive what if you just like whack a gun and goes off yeah sensitive so like if you if you find wouldn't it be more effective to just whack the gun to shoot people than to well i don't think it happens every time. Less reliable than the trigger.

Just giving it a shot like, why the fuck doesn't it? Because you can just whack it over and over. Yeah, you can. Well, his gun may have only had one bullet in it, maybe. It's true. Otherwise, it would just go off over and over. Right. Stop shooting my leg.

Ow. Yeah, he just tucked a Tommy gun in his sweatpants. Your Tommy gun still exists? Yeah, he's going retro, man. I could totally imagine a guy named Plexigo Burris carrying a Tommy gun in his sweatpants. Plexigo sounds like an innovative

new corporation. Yeah, Plexigo Burris, we're making the finest plastics. The Plastico. Some wide receiver Here at Plexico Burris, we're making the finest plastics. Plastico. Some wide receiver in the NFL made fun of Plexico Burris, too. His end zone dance, I think it was last week or the week, maybe two weeks ago. He's in the end zone.

He does his dance, but his dance is pretending to shoot himself in the leg, and then he, like, hobbles over. Then he's like, ah! Wow, really getting elaborate with the end zone dances. He got fined for it. Do they ever have multiple people dancing together? Yeah. Really?

They turned it into a penalty ever since. You should be allowed to dance if you want to dance. Mike Vick rode a horse after he got a touchdown one time. He brought a horse onto the street. No, he didn't. Nah, he didn't. But yeah, what did that happen? He did kill many dogs. What? When did the penalty thing come into play?

Because, yeah, it would just be a bunch of guys just like, yeah, let me touch your butt. And they just act to their butts. Touch that butt. Let me touch that butt. Acting out scenes from porns. It's just too much. You've got to get a 15 yard penalty for that. Reenact the from porns and it's just too much. Yeah. You got to get a penalty for that. Throw the flag. Exactly.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Doing improv warm up games. Guys, we have a game to play here. Football. Getting paid millions of dollars. But improv is my love.

Zip. Zap. Big booty. millions of dollars but improv is my love zip zap big booty i've always wanted to get involved in improv like i don't know anything other than like people tell you what to do and then you do it like i guess that's improv i don't know much about it but no that's fascism oh it's a big difference. But I always, I've been meeting a lot of comedians who have done improv in the past, and they always talk about, like, the games and, like, but no, or whatever it's called, or and why, like, all these games that people do.

Yeah, just, like, the common kind of principles of yes and or no but, which all just basically come down to agreeing. Supporting your partner. Right. Wow. Sounds complex, actually. Yeah, there is kind of a Zen philosophy that kind of springs up around it with people because it's like this group thing where you're supporting each other. Didn't you always have that one person who tries to be better than everyone.

Well, I'm only in one troop, so not always. No, not in yours, but maybe in other troops. It's like that one guy. No, I am that one person. Oh. And but why? Shut up. Agreed.

No, you're a construction worker. Agreed. Thank you. No, you're a construction worker. Agreed. Thank you. That's just all your characters. Yeah. I'm going to kill you. Yes. Agreed.

I am in agreeance. Not a problem. Hell yeah, you are. Someone's going to die. Well. We're all going to die. But why? Two of us tonight. No dun I I don't know I did try out for an

improv troupe I guess yeah uh-huh that uh Comedian was trying to do years ago and they gave me they were like we want you to be a sexy stripper who has superpowers that will save the world. You say, guys, I'm here to play pretend. I do that enough during the day. Exactly. I looked at it, I was like, I'm not going to do this. I'm sorry, I can't. This is...

Yeah, normally improv really isn't that specific. Okay, good. Could have turned me off from it, to be honest. I mean, normally what we generally do is have an input, and you do whatever. I guess we allow more freedom than when you get to more short form, whose line is it anyway type stuff, then I guess that's a little bit more specific a lot of the time. But we generally do long form stuff.

That seems more fun. Yeah, I mean, both have their merits. I think they both can be really fun. But, yeah, there's a little bit more freedom in that we just usually just take an input, just a word or whatever, and you do it with everyone with that, you know. Yeah, that seems like fun. When I did tryout and it was a bad experience and I was just kind of like turned off from it. I was like, I hate improv. I hope you guys die.

Not you guys here, but those people at that trial. I was going to say, that would be weird. I was like, I hope Mike Moran and Josh Katerina die. No, no, because you were not there. So this is why you wanted to be on the podcast. Yes, now you know. I wanted to ask about improv, actually. That's why.

Put curses on us. Voodoo Jewish curses. Because I'm Jewish, so. Are you Jewish? I am. And you practice voodoo? curses because I'm Jewish. Are you Jewish? I am. And you practice voodoo? Yes. Yes.

I'm a full-blooded Jew. Jew voodoo. Do you practice Judaism? Jew do. No, I don't actually. But I just wanted to put it out there that I'm Jewish. So that we can make Jewish jokes.

Obviously. I wish I would have known this before you came in my house. Let's take a break. I know. This podcast isn't kosher. This is disgusting. I kid. I wish I would have known this before you came in my house. Let's take a break. I know. This podcast isn't kosher. This is disgusting. I kid.

I kid. No, but seriously, if you could go, that'd be great. Shalom. No. Yeah. Did you take any classes before, or was it just like a trot? Jewish classes, or improv? Yeah.

You're talking improv, or what? How'd this Jewish thing get started? We do practice in a synagogue. Did you take classes or? Of course I took classes. I had my bar mitzvah when I was 13 and it was fun. And actually, can I be honest with you? I hated Hebrew school because I have Tourette's and I had a lot of tics when I was younger.

Right. And the kids in, I grew up in Howard County, which is a very rich county. There were a lot of asshole rich Jew teenagers in this class and they would constantly

pick on me and bully me so that's fucked up it is and it kind of turned me away from religion you seem like

kind of a big guy though you couldn't you couldn't kick some ass well at 13 though right I mean not like a big fat guy

but you seem like you know you'd be like no I was very like scrawny and I had Tourette's, so I had lots of tics. I kind of picture all Jewish kids like that, though. Yeah, there were a few that were more involved in sports. There's a few Goldbergs.

Yes. Amongst the Woody Allens. Yeah. So, fuck those guys. Do whoopie Goldbergs around. I was the whoopi Goldberg. Are you kidding me? He said, ooh, child, leave me alone.

Jumping jackflash. I can see ghosts. Exactly. Yeah, that was. I saw that in the theater. You saw ghosts in the theater? When I was like really young. It was like my mom and sister, I think.

And you wanted to sign up for a pottery class immediately afterward? i was just like you know after mighty ducks i wanted to play hockey after karate kid i wanted yeah your base was just riddled with all the like movies that you've seen it's full of turtles after you saw ninja turtles did you have that i actually i did get a turtle you have radioactive ooze in your basement just Just rolling around in. Yeah. Yeah. After I saw Batman, I wanted my parents to die. There's an awesome meme out there. It's Exhibit. And it's like, yo, we heard you like blah, blah.

So we did this. And it's from Pimp My Ride. Remember? It's like, yo, we heard you have a fish. I never saw it, but I've heard about it. But it would be stuff like, yo, you got a fish tank? Well, we made your car an aquarium or something like that. So you had to enter it wearing an oxygen mask. No, well, they would do stuff like that.

They'd be like, yo, we know you're a cook, so guess what? We put a grill in the passenger seat. Like, ah. That's how the show would be. Great idea. Smoke everywhere. Flipping pancakes at the stoplight um no but the meme is just a picture of like a little kid wearing like a batman costume and he's crying and then they put uh exhibits picture in the corner it's like yo dog we heard you like batman so we killed your parents it He has like this big smile. Everything I ever come up with has been cited by someone.

Yep. Been there, done that. The internet did it. What are we going to do? How are we ever going to find new comedy when every fucking thing has been done 300 times? And it's being done right now, too. You got to do it better. Faster, stronger.

We must be better. Take steroids. Yeah. That must be better. Take steroids. Yeah. That might help you. Become Jewish. Not you. You don't need help. But I mean, other comedians who need help should take steroids or human growth hormones.

Yeah. And it might make them funnier. Sure. It's just a thought. Take some tiger shark testosterone. Maybe I will. Does that exist? Yeah.

Are you citing the Deep Blue Sea film? No. No, I? Yeah. Or are you citing the Deep Blue Sea film? No. No, I'm not. Josh? I often do quote that movie, but I'm being very serious. You should take some Deep Blue, Tiger Shark, Testosterone. And it will make your comedy that much more efficient. Aquatic.

Sharky. Did you know that Deep Blue Sea actually started as a proposed sequel to Jaws in which Richard Dreyfuss' character is working on? I'm Richard Dreyfuss. Yeah, it's a movie called I'm Richard Dreyfuss.

This sea is deep and blue. I'm Richard Dreyfuss. Credits. It would have made millions. All right. Oh, yeah. So improv. Did you take any classes or anything?

No. No, it was just like an audition. No, tonight was going to be my big class where I was going to ask you guys a bunch of questions and see what I could learn. So if you guys could start. What questions do you have for us? Let's take a break. Just start. And questions do you have for us? Let's take a break. Just start. And we're back.

And we are back. All right. I've learned a lot. So thank you. I'm ready for whose line is it now anyway, buddy. Yeah, exactly. Is that the Hispanic ripoff version? Whose line is it now anyway?

Anyway, buddy. Donde esta el line? The line. The line. Where now, anyway? Anyway, buddy. ¿Dónde está el line? The line. Where is the line? Anyway. I don't know how to say anyway in Espanol. Or line. No, I don't.

No, I'm pretty sure it's just line. It starts with da. El. El line. ¿Dónde está el baño? Where is the bathroom? It's L-Line. L-Line. Donde esta? El baño. Where is the bathroom? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the translation right there.

Señor Kerry. Muy, muy. El negro. Win Brady. El homosexual. Greg Proops. Is he a homosexual? No, no.

You sure? Yeah. Now that I think about it. No, he's not. Is he married? Yep. Oh. To cock.

No, just kidding. Just kidding. Married people can be gay too. You guys aren't married, are you? I mean, let me rephrase that. Are either of you married? Well, as soon as this state gets its head out of its ass, yeah, we will be. And then we'll get our heads into each other's asses, all right? Legally.

With some tax breaks. Shut up. We don't do that. Get tax breaks? No. The gays don't pay taxes, I don't think. Yeah. They don't have to.

Honey, I'm gay. I don't pay tax. Mm-hmm. Neither of us are married. Good. You guys want to go out and have some fun? What? I was just asking if you guys wanted to go out and have some fun.

Do you want to go blow some cocaine up our asses and go party? I don't know. That's what fun means around these parts. No. No, I don't want to go blow some cocaine up our asses and go party? I don't know. That's what fun means around these parts. No. No, I don't want to do that. I see you shaking your head vehemently, yes, over there. I just want to give a shout out to my wife, actually, who's listening. Hi, wife.

I love you. Aw. I love you, wifey wife. You are the best wife in the whole. Mrs. Jones? Yeah. That's not actually my last name you know stare at the beautiful woman the stage name you know i'm gonna i'll just tell you all my dirt i

had to i had to use a stage name because there was a parent that complained that i did comedy really my real last name really yeah and they did a google search because they were like why is there a male teacher yeah it is thank you why is why is a male teacher? Yeah, it is. Thank you. Why is a male teacher... That's stupid. Why can't you do whatever the hell you want in your free time? Exactly. And then the principal of the school got upset with me. That is unfair.

That is unfair. It is. But it worked out better because my last name is like a long German last name. And Jones is much easier to say. Can you whisper it to us real quick? I'll tell you off the air, but I don't want to say it on... Okay, and we are off the air now. Just kidding.

Gosken Fleschker. Gosken Fleschker. Gosken Fleschker. Justin Gosken Fleschker. Same ring. Hey, wait! Is it still on? If you're going to make up a fake last name, we're not even going to pretend to be recording. Jesus Christ. Actually, my last name is Fonazo.

That's my real last name. Justin Fonazo. Big shout-outs to my homeboy, Mike Fonazo. Mike Fonazo, past guest of the digression sessions. Yeah, he's a good guy. I like him. Yeah, he's a really good guy. Yeah.

Good dude. Yeah. You and I were going to make a movie together at one point. I bet you were. Yeah, you were. Oh, I get it, guys. You're suggesting the film in question was pornographic in nature. Yeah, yeah, that was. Actually.

Ha, ha, ha. That was sarcastic laughter. You would have an erection in the movie. A big erection. Uh-huh. That's it. That was your Viagra joke, by the way, that you never told earlier, I don't think. Okay.

Do I have a Viagra joke? The Asian one. Why do... Oh, yeah, yeah. Tell me my joke again. It was like, why do Democrats like... Why do Asians like Democratic Viagra? Erections.

Huge erections. No, it's just... Just erections? It's just because it's supposed to be elections. What about the... Yeah, I know. Might be free erections, I guess. No, it's not erections. It's just because it's supposed to be elections. What about the... Yeah, I know. Might be free erections, I guess. No, it's not.

The erections, maybe. Yeah. Why do... Follow Mike on Twitter, everybody. You should play with, like, why are... Why do Chinese men who used Viagra against communism, they'd like erections? Why are impotent Chinese men Against Maoism

Why They'd like to have Elections Mike you gotta tighten up that Mr. Tell my grandfather that At my grandmother's funeral Because he was staring knives at me

At me I think that's perfect if you do it like that. Yeah. That joke. That's very funny. Thanks, Justin. Just let it go on longer and longer and longer. Because he was staring at me because I was eating pizza and bagels.

They're delicious. The priest was speaking. Mom was crying. Mom's crying. A lot of female priests these days. Have you noticed? Is that a problem for you? It's not.

I mean, it's good that they're breaking on through, but a lot of times I'm kind of like... Is that what that Doors song was? Breaking on through to the other side of the room? That's what it was about. Female Catholicism. But what do you call the female priests? Mother?

Aren't the nuns mothers? I call her sisters. Some of them are white. Annoying. That's what I call them. They are annoying with their beliefs about stuff that happens in the sky. All right. I'm not going to stand for this Jewish propaganda.

No, you will listen to this. Or my dreidels will attack you. I may have posed this question before in the aggression session. Back in the day, like, you know, when people in medieval times and whatnot, they really believed that heaven was like up in the sky, right? Hell was like below the ground.

Yeah. And if you dug enough, you could actually get there. Hey, I believed that until I was like, I don't know, 17. 22. Yeah. Yesterday. Right now. Until you ruined it. Ridiculousness. That's why you have that big hole in your backyard.

I'm gonna find you, devil. Punch him right in his face. I ain't afraid of you. My boys will whip your ass. Stupid devil. Doing all that bad shit. I'll fuck of you. My boys will whip your ass. Stupid devil. Doing all that bad shit. I'll fuck you up.

Do it. I'm going to get that golden violin I hear you play. Stupid fag. Dude, sorry. Damn, the devil got served. Golden violin. Oh, goodness. All right, should we take a break and wrap this up?

Sure. Wrap it up. All right, yeah, let's take a break. Let's take a break. Should we take a break and wrap this up? Wrap it up. All right. Yeah. Let's take a break. Let's take a break. Let's take a break. Let's come back for the break.

Oh, yeah. All right, big heads. We're wrapping it up. Fucker. What are we doing after the show, Josh? Partying hard, man. You off tomorrow? Nope.

Damn it. But I boiled some carrots, and I'm ready to put on some sweatpants and go to bed. Oh, yeah. Shit, yeah. Sweet you for it. No responsibilities. Uh-uh. Eight straight hours.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Justin Jones, I'd be a liar if I said I had a good time tonight. You liar. Thank you so much for being on the show. Yeah, thanks, man. Thank you. I had a really good time. I'd like to come back if it's okay with you.

Maybe in the future. Come back. I don't know about the future, but you can definitely come back. All right. Yeah. If you get a time machine and you want to be on an old episode, you're more than welcome. That makes no sense at all.

You're more than welcome to be on our old episode. Yes, it's a pass. We want to explore fresh new material in the future. No, man. Thanks so much for coming on. Thank you. You guys should come see me at Mugubi's Joke House December 29th and the 30th with Larry Lancaster. I hear he's very funny. Is there any way we can find you on YouTube?

YouTube, I'm glad you asked. You can find me with the handle, the screen name, OneFoxyComic. Oh, yeah. You have any shows coming up, Josh? I have some improv shows coming up at the Baltimore

Improv Group Saturday, December 17th I have some improv shows coming up at the Baltimore Improv Group. It's Saturday, December 17th at the Fells Point Corner Theater in Catonsville. Just kidding. It's in Fells Point. All right. If you like that joke, you're going to have a great time at the Fells Point Corner Theater. Anything else you'd like to promote, Justin Jones?

I would like to promote freedom and peace oh why don't you then i'm lazy well so you have a show coming up at the end of the month at magubi's in timonium yes you can go to magubi's.com m-a-g-o-o-b-y-s.com it's the shows with larry lancaster he's supposed to be very funny he's a local legend here in Baltimore. Oh, okay. We don't even know if he exists or not. He's a legend. Fingers crossed that somebody will show up. He does a lot of black rooms, and he's a very funny black comedian.

I shouldn't say black. Can we edit that out? I did not say black. He's a very funny guy. He does a lot of black comedy Yeah Like a Philip Seymour Hoffman movie Or something

You know I actually said that once I don't really like black comedy Like I said that out loud And you were in a Kentucky Fried Chicken No I was at my job Around a lot of African American employees And I thought about it Could that be taken as racist?

Because I don't see why it wouldn't be. No. Do most people think when they hear black comedy, they think dark comedy? I think it depends on the context. I used to be like, fuck, I don't know. It's different. You can't say Will Smith's next movie is a black comedy.

But you could say Philip Seymour Hoffman's next movie is a black comedy. Well, my exact words were, I don't like black comedy. I don't really like black comedy. You also said people in between black and comedy, didn't you? I don't like black people comedy. Like the Cosby Show? I don't understand those Def Jam fellas. I rarely drive my car like this.

Well, Justin Jones, if you're recording at Magoo... I think your mic went out. Hello. Oh, hello. Howdy. Hey, Justin. Yeah, come. You know what?

Just come and let's hang out and talk and have a good time and follow me on Twitter and YouTube and whatever. Well, that's the thing. If I wanted to see more shows and be... I want to keep abreast of future shows, I should follow you on Twitter. Yeah. The Justin Jones. T-H-E-E. Justin Jones.

I'm friends with Sarah Silverman on that, so I guess that makes me kind of cool. I follow her. She doesn't follow me, but I follow her. So that's follow me, but I follow her. So that's cool, right? I'm a winner. Yeah. I always feel like how cool you are is your ratio of how many people you're following versus how many people are following you.

Oh. It's like you have three people following you. I've approved these friends, but I've got way more applicants than I've approved. Yeah. Yeah, I don't have shit for followers. I think I have like 15. I don't even think I've checked mine. I'm pretty sure everyone I'm following that follows me, I also follow.

Yeah. All right. All right. Cool. Glad we talked about that. Really doing the social media. Right. Yeah. doing yeah yeah um social media right yeah there was some type of movie with you in it as like a social network in the future kind of guy yeah there was something some way to make

that happen yeah like i don't know like a total recall meets yeah twitter yeah total recall Yeah, Twitter. Yeah. Total Recall meets that sketch that I did. Exactly. Total Recall meets Mike Moran comedy when you Google that on YouTube. Yes. You kids into YouTube. Check it out. How about you, Michael Moran? Anything to promote?

No, I don't think so. I'll just look for the next Skeptic magazine. Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not even positive that I'm in it. I'm on eSkeptic, though. You can check that. Is that like eHarmony but for skeptics? It stands for electronic.

I'm not sure if you're aware of that. That prefix existed before eHarmony. Yeah, well, talk to the lawyers at eHarmony about that. Isn't that also a function of eHarmony, though? That's just to get updates on your eHarmony. Yeah, well, talk to the lawyers at eHarmony about that. Isn't that also a function of eHarmony, though? That's just to get updates on your eHarmony account? When you join it, you're either an e-male or an e-female. That's how it works there. And then e...

In between. E-either? E-either? All right. All right. All right. Well, Justin, thanks for coming on the show. Thank you for having me on the show. You're welcome.

Mike Moran, great to see you. Signing off. You too. This is Josh Koderna signing off from Podcast Land. We'll be seeing you, America. Come visit us in Flavor Country. Otherwise known as Hamden. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh yeah Uh uh Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah

Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Alright so if y'all ready for y'all first to meet him once again give me a hell yeah Hell yeah

Alright coming to the stage man this is his first time doing stand up comedy Give it up for Mr. Justin Jones Thank you. Wow. This is a nice crowd. Hey. So, good to be here in College Park.

Hey. Yeah. A lot of college students, huh? You're probably smart, so you might like this. What's the opposite of Kanye West? Kanye East. Ha! So, um...

So the other day, I was listening to this radio, and, uh, Beyoncé was on it, and she had this new song, you know, If I Were a Man, and, um, I was listening to this radio and Beyonce was on it and she had this new song, you know, If I Were a Man. And I was like, yo, if you were a man, I don't think Jay-Z would want to date you. You know what I mean? Because he's not, I don't think he likes guys. You know, he's got 99 problems and stuff.

Hell yeah. Everyone's been asking. Justin Jones. Where have you been? Have you quit? Have you given up on your dream? Nah. I don't quit. I create. This is my cat. This is my cat.

This is my cat. This is my cat. This is my cat. This is my cat. This is my cat. This is my cat. This is my cat. This is my cat. This is my cat. Yo, you ready to hear some cool jazz? I'm talking crazy cool.

Alright, then we're gonna kick it. This is where my cat goes to the bathroom. This is where my cat goes to the bathroom. This is where my cat goes. This is where my cat goes to the bathroom. This is where my cat goes to the bathroom. This is where my cat goes to the bathroom. This is where my cat goes to the bathroom. This is where my cat goes to the bathroom. This is where my cat goes to the bathroom. This is where my cat goes to the bathroom. Right in there!