The Digression Sessions - Ep. 152 - Ralphie May! (@Ralphie_May)

Episode Date: March 23, 2015

Hola Digheads! This week, host Josh Kuderna and guest cohost Tommy Sinbazo interview 25 year veteran comedian Ralphie May! Ralphie’s new special “Unruly” is available on Netflix now. Follow us on Twitter! Josh Kuderna - @JoshKuderna Tommy Sinbazo - @TommySinbazo Mike Moran - @MikeMoranWould Podcast - @DigSeshPod Josh hosted 5 shows for Ralphie over the weekend.  After the last show, Ralphie talked to the boys at 1 in the morning of the green room of Magooby’s. He came in a little hot and fired up about Heath Ledger, but he told some fantastic road stories and what it was like when he started stand up.  Great guy. Like the Digression Sessions page on Facebook. Rate and review us on iTunes & Stitcher! And check out the rest of our network at ThunderGrunt.com 

hey everybody i'm josh kaderna and i'm mike moran and you're listening to the digression sessions podcast a baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers. Join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence. As we interview local and non-local comedians, writers, musicians, and anyone else we find creative and interesting. Yes. Who's the guest this week? Ralphie May is the guest on this week's program. Comedian Ralphie May, longtime vet.

He's been in the game 25 years. Insane. Insane. Ralphie May, very funny comedian who I just worked with this past weekend at McGuby's Joke House here in Timonium, Maryland. And he was nice enough to do the podcast with me, Josh Kaderna, and guest co-host Tommy Simbazo, who we've had on the podcast before. Refer back to one of our recent car casts where Tommy discusses peeing and possibly ejaculating in a super soaker and spraying that at someone, go check that out. So you can know Tommy's oeuvre. But Tommy was hanging out at the club and I did five shows

with Ralphie this past weekend and his hilarious feature, Haley Boyle. And Ralphie was nice enough to do the podcast in the green room after the last show on Saturday. And he does two hours in the late show. And then he does a meet and greet afterwards. So he didn't get finished, I think, until 1230, somewhere in there. His set was finished around like 1215, 1230. Then he did the meet and greet. And I set everything up in the green room. And I thought he

knew that we were waiting for him, but he was waiting for us out front. So when this podcast starts, he's coming in a little hot. He's a little annoyed that he had to wait. And yeah, Dark Knight was on. And he drops a couple N-bombs, but in reference to Heath Ledger. And I just let that fly i didn't know didn't know what was happening he says it in his act um i'm sure that's the only time that's been said about heath ledger but uh i don't know i think ralphie gets a pass on it i'm not sure but he was one of the sweetest dudes and uh really really funny the fact that he can just sit on a stool for two hours and command an audience was really really impressive this guy's uh probably doesn't get his due as a performer and a comedian but uh

he has a ton of specials out and he tells some really great stories in this about uh mitch headberg which is really cool and then some road stories i don't want to spoil but this was a really fun episode and uh thanks again to ralphie for doing it. Thank you guys for listening. Ralphie has a new special. If you want to check that out, it is on Netflix. It's called Unruly and he's on Twitter.

He's at Ralphie underscore May. Tommy is at Tommy Simbazo. That's S-I-N-B-A-Z-O and we're both a part of the Thunder Grunt Network, of course, and we do voices on Meanwhile at the Skull Base, which is going to have a new season soon. Check all that out at ThunderGrunt.com uh mike moran could not make it he had to work in

the morning and we did the interview at like one in the one or 1 30 in the morning or something so uh check him out too he's on twitter he's at mike moran wood and me i am at josh kaderna on twitter and instagram i got some shows coming up this week. I'll be doing some open mics and stuff in the D.C., Virginia area. I'll be at Ragtime on Wednesday. Make sure you guys come out to that. That is on the 25th. That's in Arlington. Host that every other week.

And then let's see. What do I got going on? I'll be hosting at the Hyatt in Bethesda, D.C. on the 4th. Doing some improv on the 11th. I'll keep you at the Hyatt in Bethesda, D.C. on the 4th. Doing some improv on the 11th. I'll keep you guys posted on that. And, yeah. Okay. I think that's it as far as plugs.

Let's see. I want you guys, if you can, if you want to write in or have any questions or comments, please hit us up on Twitter. The podcast is at DigSeshPod. We have a Facebook page. We got an email, digression.sessions at gmail.com. I want to thank Ryan Cornwell, a faithful listener here in Maryland. He emailed us and asked about his magnets. And he said, don't you hate pants? And yes, Ryan. Yes, I do.

I think that's it as far as the rambling. Oh yeah. Ralphie had, he had a barbecue sauce, makes his own barbecue sauce this fella and uh i'm excited to try it his uh tour manager hooked me up with some and uh it's very cool also had condoms sells condoms this fella and uh i accidentally brought those up in front of um the owner of mcgoobies in front of his kids who are all like i don't know five seven and nine yeah ralph even has condoms and the owner of mcgoobie goes uh and his kids who are all like i don't know five seven and nine yeah ralph even has condoms and the owner of mcgooby goes uh and his kids kind of have a look and he goes oh don't worry about it i'm sure they don't know what they are then his son goes yeah you put it on your

penis that's what you do dad the daughter goes yeah you put it on your penis and i was like i'm never gonna work here again so yeah so thanks If, yeah, this is your first time listening, we really appreciate it. Long-time listener, appreciate that, too. Spread the word. Hit us up on Twitter, Facebook, all that stuff. Yeah, that's it. Thank you, guys. I really appreciate it.

Josh Kodarna signing out from my bed for the evening. I love you guys. Let's talk to Ralphie. We love you. I'm sorry, dude. No, no worries. Were you waiting on us out there? Yes.

I thought y'all were going to come get me. I didn't know where the fuck y'all went. I don't know. I was hanging in here waiting for you. I'm sorry. You're doing your meet and greet thing. I did it. And it's done.

That was done. That was done a long time ago. I've got a vape pen and a beer in my left hand and a mic in my right. Do you understand? Let's get it over. I was over. I was done. How long is this line for the meeting?

Ready for these 17 people to hear this download. It's going to be awesome. It's really important, man. Wands of people will fucking love you in Marylandaryland if you do my podcast ralphie that was the sales pitch to do this shit but i'm in it to win it especially after you do the show man leave fucking batman on this is great with the joker this is the one watchable yeah you know when heath ledger died i was like they finished batman right that's all i gave a fuck about don't fuck up my summer movie nigga because you can't handle

your drugs like an amateur fucking mixing booze and pills what a little nigga stupid fuck dummy you know just a dummy all right it's like people boohoo i don't feel bad yeah an amateur you know i mean if he'd been a fucking, he'd have known that. Yeah. You fucking do a six-week run with Dougie Stanhope in 1992, nigger. All right? You learn that quick. Don't mix your peels and your booze, playboy. Neither one or the other. Or sometimes you party on a budget, you know?

Right. It's like, hey, I don't have much money. I got enough. I got two free drinks from the club, and I got a Percocet. Let's make it count. Stretch it, Jack. Stretch it. Last for the weekend stretch it stretch it i'm breaking that fucking 15 325 and a half killing it what's your what's your schedule now though do you just smoke after the show yeah yeah yeah i don't get fucked up before the show i i it's just not i mean and i get accused of it man i just got accused of

it in uh denver actually it wasn't in denver it was in grand junction colorado people accused me of being high on stage and i wasn't i was fucked up on cold medicine okay cold medicine was the fucking problem not not weed i was i uh i have a problem problem with doing things into excess. And I had boogers that would not stop running. And it was nasty. And they were like fucking the Triscuit boogers. It fucking hurt. And if you're up on stage, you can't just have a fucking runny nose.

You can't be wiping it. Where was I? And boogers are all over your hand because they were the green nasty ones. Okay. Uh-huh. And so I fucking took every cold medicine I had, which was a lot. Sure. And it was like Zyrtec, Claritin, Dayquil, and Mucinex, and something else. Theraflu Day. Oh, shit. I took all that, and it made me shaky as fuck and i'm trying

to fucking smooth it out yeah it's real speedy yeah and i um and i uh fucking uh tried to even it out with some night quill and uh that that's what sent me to the fucking moon jack that quill put that quill on it i didn't know that stage though what yeah i have yeah but i don't do it anymore do you find it it makes you low-key or like or thicker um i it's it depends on the weed that i'm smoking if it's a sativa i can't perform at all because it's all head head high you know but if it's a body high i'm fine no problem at all the indica yeah the indica is where i stay you know but that's just me i call it joke steroids you know it's uh that was me right and that way it's deductible you know

because i live in a legalized state so we deduct it right shrooms for me are like that yeah right shrimps are fucking amazing okay the only problem with shrooms is that the toxins build up in the fat, and the toxin is pretty fucking gnarly. And it has damaging properties, so to say. But don't do it all the time. Okay? Don't do it all the time. But if you do it, you know, in moderation, as always, with hallucinogens,

you know, three caps, two stems, you'll be all right, baby. All right? You'll be all right. Trust. All right, you'll be all right. Trust me, we'll make it through the night. We'll make it. Tommy. I did a quarter ounce and lost my mind at Star Trek End of Darkness. Fuck yeah, man. I've done that, man.

Let me tell you what. I had a quarter of an ounce one time. Me and another comic were at the Aspen Comedy Festival in the early 90s and uh we were crashing the festival okay it was like fuck them they want to invite us fucking eat a dick we'll go up there and fuck it anyway we'll hang out and fucking party and yeah we had a blast and i brought a pound of weed a pound of shrooms and a bunch of pills i bought in El Paso. Jesus Christ. It's like some fear and loathing shit. You got the suitcase. Well, you know, that's fucking amazing you say that.

Really? Okay, because we were at a bar in Aspen, and this old guy starts cracking us up, and he's fucking crazy, and he gets crazy, and we fucking take it a step further and get crazier to the point where I'm standing on the bar and i dropped my pants and fucking got my cock and balls out fucking wagging and slapping fucking

people in the face of my cock and balls all right and he's fucking this is awesome and we start hanging out with this guy and he invites us back at the end of the night to his cabin and we're like fuck yeah and we didn't put it together till we got there it was fucking hunter ass thompson what holy shit and we are uh we threw dynamite off the back of his porch and shot it uh we uh he would throw we did three days there we stayed there three fucking days up the entire three days no not all of it not all of it but we had a fucking blast man that's we had a blast okay it was two comics and a hunter in his fucking cabin and chicks would come up every now and then and then there was a um there's a beer uh maker there in um in uh aspen and uh uh he gave the the cabin to hunter to stay rent-free, basically.

He was his landlord. And his dynamite connection. That's my dynamite hookup. And my landlord. And so he'd bring up a case or tell us, don't explode at night anymore. It wakes people up and dogs start barking. Yeah, if you're going to blow up dynamite, do it during the day, guys. It's a day activity irresponsible all right and uh as so uh we that that's how we crashed the

aspen comedy festival young comics out there by all means if there's a festival uh get some drugs and go crash it okay all right get some good drugs and go crash the fucking festival fuck them they didn't invite you invite your fucking self right all right get some good drugs and go crash the fucking festival fuck them they didn't invite you invite your fucking self right all right hey you're a fucking comic this is a comedy fucking festival and you're a comic that's where you should be be there okay be there get your dick out you might hang out with hunter s thompson yeah exactly fuck yeah that's right so you seriously you didn't realize that until you got to his cabin you're like wait a minute i know this fucking guy yeah yeah well he wasn't wearing the hat oh okay he wasn't wearing the hat and the sunglasses there he was like yeah no no no we saw pictures and we're like what the

fuck oh what the fuck what the fuck dude this is one of those fucking thompson man what the fuck man he's like hey guys want to blow up some fucking dynamite let's do this man hey man come on come on he said it would be groovy he said groovy a lot and jack that's where i got fucking saying jack you said that a lot this weekend yeah yeah i've always said it after that okay between that and all the black guys i knew. Okay, Jack has been part of my vernacular for 30 years almost. Right. That's pretty great. Yeah, if you're blowing up dynamite, you can say Jack. Yeah, right.

That's fair. That's pretty fair. Listen here, Jack. Especially if you're high as shit with dynamite. Yeah, yeah. We're fucking laughing our balls off. One stick of dynamite blowing up and shooting it, okay? Do you know how hard it is to shoot when you eyes are watering

from fucking good shrooms and you're laughing balls okay so you're you know you're fucking your hand is so shaky you've got adrenaline rocking through you okay all right you're unsteady okay and then there's like seven of them at once so you just pick the one in the middle and try to shoot the one in the middle all right and boom a tree blew up are you down the tree motherfucker for hours hours hours oh man being woke up with an explosion from uh 30 feet away from you is quite a hell of a way to wake the fuck up okay wake up guys come on time to go that's insane yeah is that is that the craziest thing you've ever done no on on tour at a comedy festival? Because that's up there.

I mean, that's like all time. Was it the first comedy festival you ever crashed? Yes. Yes. And I've subsequently crashed six more. Anything good happen at those? Yeah. Yeah.

Always get drugs. You started out pretty strong. We did heroin with Darth Vader. No. No. We get back and we're like, this is the Death Star. Holy shit. Holy shit.

I see the pictures on the wall, him and Luke. Yeah, right. Dude, we're doing coke with the greatest American hero. Believe it or not, I'm walking on air. So when you started out, were you getting high before you went on because i mean now if you're doing two hours a night without a set list that would be pretty hard to be kind of scrambled and right that's what that's what dummies out there don't understand yeah you can't do this high right and do it well do it well yeah you know can't be done. Some of the best comics I've ever seen, Mitch Hedberg couldn't do it.

He tried, but it would fail. Yeah, I heard some sad stories towards the end where he would just kind of collapse. Yeah. People would have to pull him off stage. Yeah. Yeah. Did you tour with him at all? I knew Mitchell very well.

I love him. He's a great dude. He was so funny. He was an incredible comic. He was a really nice guy, too. In one of my early specials, I talked about doing acid with him. We were talking about hallucinogens. So let's just stay in that place.

Let's do it. It's a story about Mitch and hallucinogens. Sure. so let's just stay in that place okay it's a story about mitch and hallucinogens sure right yeah um if you're gonna do them guys all right hallucinogens are fucking awesome all right all right they're enlightening you don't have to tell tommy you can't uh you can't uh die from them um you can't od on them uh the The permanent damage done from them mentally, I think, honestly, the information is scattered at best. And if not willfully misleading is what they've told you about the damage that it does. And I think that those are extreme cases. So have fun.

Alright? Have fun. Vendors too coming out. Yeah. Well also make sure you have things ready. Like don't ever do these drugs for the first time by yourself. It is not a by yourself type of drug.

No you need a Sherpa to get up that mountain. I didn't salve you the first time by myself. Freaked out. I was watching Tom and Jerry. I hit the bong and all of a sudden everything disappeared. I was in a grocery store with a shopping cart in front of me

and I could still hear the Tom and Jerry like... And I was like, oh, I'm on supermarket sweep and I'm running down the aisles fucking filling up my shopping cart and then five minutes later, pow,

I was back laying on my fucking bed and it was it was unsettling unsettling at best did i just time travel what the fuck just happened i uh um we did five hits of acid okay each each whoa okay and um There was four of us total. Myself, Mitch, a friend of ours, John, and another friend, Carl. We were at the Allen Park Inn in

Houston, Texas. Carl LeBeau? No. Try and guess it. If I would, I wouldn't even tell you the names whatever it's not even dignified carl malone keep on the car okay okay carl's famous junior carl who's carl's junior famous carl carl winslow carl senior carl wins senior yeah um i uh carl winslow family matters I Carl Winslow Family Matters okay alright I'm gonna keep trying

not enough of the Carls okay seriously so we all did five hits each okay and

we proceeded to fucking fry melt for about 48 50 hours

something like that okay and that's way too fucking long like like a 10 hour trip is enough yeah that's one hit but we did five so that's you gotta ride it out you know yeah even like the 10 hour one you're like this is never gonna end yeah i'm stuck i'm stuck in this but for two days straight two days straight yeah. First day was pretty anticlimactic. A lot of people get lost in rooms and shit, and corners are fucking baffling to people and stuff like that.

But the second day is when shit really kicked in and got weird. You had sleep deprivation to your illusion, and you just turn it up and uh we come in and uh a guy had uh uh was freaking out because he thought a dragon was about to kill him okay and we're laughing and we're like it couldn't be a dragon they're crazy they never existed it's a mythical creature yeah and i'm like it could be a pterodactyl though all right you know because i'm still a comic i'm still a comic okay you know that other shit wasn't real but this is all right so i uh i hit him with uh that pterodactyl and every time he turned his head we were like looking around and we were laughing about that and and i had gotten already lost for like eight

hours looking at the tv and uh the tv wasn't even on okay i was just amazed at the little fat guy sitting on the couch in the tv and i'm like look at him he looks like me i and okay i love this show it's kind of boring but hey man, what are you doing there? Okay, how'd you get in there? Are you stuck? Man, I was fucked up, man. I was fucked up. Right.

All right, but we go into another room, and we hear Mitch scream in another one, and we run in there, and Mitch has got his balls out, and he's hitting his balls. He thought his, he later told us he thought his balls had turned into a wasp nest okay and they were stinging him okay and the pain he was feeling was after he hit his own self in his balls okay all right now you want to fucking talk about funny he's like they're stinging me they're stinging me and he was doing it like over and over and over just yelling they're stinging him till he vomited and passed the fuck out okay holy shit and we are crying laughing because i wanted to stop him and tell him hey it's not a wash nest it's your balls right okay but i couldn't because i was paralyzed okay with laughter i i

mean if you ever say to your friend hit himself for the balls repeatedly okay uh that is worth everything in the world and by the way we all had our balls out because mitch had said he he had his balls out earlier and we all got our balls out because we were like, dude, why do you have your balls out? Whoa, bro, it's way gay. And he's like, no, I think that if they get air, they wouldn't be as wrinkled as they are. So I wanted them to be smoothed out.

The wrinkles in my balls have younger, smoother balls. And we were like, that makes perfect sense to us. So we all took our balls out. And we were like, that makes perfect sense to us. So we all took our balls out, okay? And we were in a hotel. We had free reign of this whole place. And we called it the Montrose Country Club because it was like this hipster place in Houston before hipsters were hipsters, okay?

And all these young people were in the area, and nobody had a fucking pool. Nobody had had a pool and it gets fucking way hot in houston yeah and you could get a room there for like 40 bucks and so we went there and their pool was like a fucking garden it was amazing dude and the pool was open all night long all day long whatever you wanted to do it was open all night long all the day long whatever you wanted to do it was oh it was ready to rock right man where the fuck are we gonna go this is awesome this is our playground yeah nobody gave a shit about us all the time everybody knew us we were cool we had barbecue there at the hotel at the hotel we didn't give a fuck you just brought your own grill one day yeah we barbecue fuck yeah i had a blast the manager

gave them all cheeseburgers and shit they loved us over there man we didn't even pay for rooms wow we didn't pay for rooms it was awesome the bellboy pushing a grill yeah man yeah and uh we're at the park in yeah it's not there anymore it's a it's big fucking i think it's a skyscraper now wow skyscraper there but um we really we did a lot of fun stuff, man. But, yeah, I mean, we were paralyzed with Mitch. But, yeah, he was fun. Another story with Mitch, this was a different, this was a year before that. We hung out a bunch.

We were headlining, we were co-headlining, rather stop in Houston, and Mitch picked up this stripper, right? And she was hot, big tits, nice. And one thing led to another, and she invites me to go back with her to her condo, and we're all going to get in the hot tub. She said she's got friends coming over, no problem. Well, Kennedy hears that guy named Scott Kennedy, he's a gay guy, and Scotty, he said, I'll come too. So we're all naked with Mitch Stri know. I'm naked with Mitch, a stripper and Scott Kennedy in one hot tub.

Right. And, uh, and like Scott, Scotty had never seen a pussy before. She showed him her pussy and shit. He got the finger. And,

uh, I know, I know. And I was like, I ain't seen it. I ain't seen it. I ain't seen it either. I know. Bring that pussy over here. I had, I was bringing a glass in here and it. I ain't seen it. I ain't seen it either. I know. Bring that pussy over here.

And I was bringing a glass in here and stuff like that. Where's your dick go, lady? Yeah, is that where your dick goes? In there. Oh, heaven. It's like free samples. Do you want to try? And Mitch went upstairs, all right?

And she was making out with me. And she had a friend come over. And then she made out. Her friend made out with me and a good time right and uh i remember mitch got back into the uh was getting back into the hot tub and uh that girl fucking swooping or the first girl's place but i'm glad she had a friend come over fuck it i already made out with her yeah all right and uh her friend was i think cut, cuter anyways. But she starts blowing Mitch, okay, and the fucking thing. And Scotty goes, yeah, I'd like a wrangle at that, all right?

And Mitch is like, I'll give it a shot. And the girl, yeah, that really happened. And the girl cock-flocked him that's what was hilarious really yeah yeah that was what was funny

wow yeah so nothing happened and Mitch was down he was like yeah alright yeah you're my bro why don't you suck my dick bro

yeah right it's all good no no he didn't care it was like it was like whatever we're already here we're all kind of sharing yeah right it's like he didn't care. It was like, whatever. We're already here. We're all kind of sharing.

Yeah, right? It's like, he didn't care. But it was so funny. It didn't happen, but it just, you know, I don't think it would have. Right. But I think it was something that he was just daring him to do. Like, okay, whatever. Let's see how far.

He'd be like, whoa, whoa. Are you playing gay chicken? Ralphie, if you're ever on a podcast, don't bring this up. They don't exist yet, but please don't mention it. Yeah, right. Please don't mention it. Yeah, right. I don't care.

That's the most extreme game of gay chicken I've ever heard. That's how good her blowjob was. He didn't care how it finished. I don't care. Put a dude's mouth on it. Man, you know what? It was a fucking amazing blowjob. That girl was putting down work sure she was putting down work sure now what just look over like what jesus christ now what's the morning like after that the diner

like hey mitch remember when you were gonna let uh no no no you laugh about it and it's like i wouldn't have it i don't i don't i believed you that it would have but it was funny that yeah that it did it's crazy and and got i know some people are gonna go well it's very convenient uh both those guys have died it's not my fault they died okay do i lose a story because of it this is a quandary i've had okay you know it's like do you lose a story because the two other participants that you that people could know to verify i've died yeah there's a story not have happened yeah i don't think i don't think the story should not have happened just because they are past right i mean i'm kind of letting my buddies live a little more yeah if there was like a montage of their lives like i will remember you

and it would be like never got to blow it fades to black and white i know kennedy years later would tell me he goes dude man i'm mitch would have let me blow on it but i don't know but you were had balls to ask you you were close you weren't naked and he wasn't then having a wrecked penis so i mean other than you were like eight feet away. Hey, you. You didn't say hi to me tonight. Catherine. Fine. Katie. Catherine. You didn't say hi to me tonight. You know, you did not.

You did not. You did not. You did not even say hi. Hi, how are you? Good, good, good. Ralphie's putting out the vibe. I like it. Catherine is a bartender here at Magoobies. Hello, Catherine.

What's it? And yesterday was really funny. Catherine, you were showing your exposed midriff, and when Ralphie saw you, he goes, God damn, you must really need to pay your rent. It worked, didn't it? Working for kids. Right?

Exactly. Exactly. You got to use it. for tips. Right? Exactly. Exactly. If you got to use it. It works. Right? It works. You make the people laugh, and I give them something nice. Yeah.

Yeah, right? Exactly. Exactly. Yeah, right? Are you done? Almost. Almost? I got like three people in there I got to kick out, and then.

Ooh. Can you get me another one of these? Can I? No, this is all the podcast is Can I get another Dale's please? Yeah, please, thank you Vodka Tonic? Yeah, thank you

Vodka Tonic? Whatever kind you used last time Paleo? Oh, I used Tito's Oh, okay Yeah, okay, kettle I know nothing about vodka You're an used Tito's before I did. Oh, okay. Yeah, okay. Kettle. I know nothing about vodka.

You're an expensive... Tito's is very fucking expensive, and so is fucking Kettle One. Yeah. All right. I just did a show in Frederick the other night, so got some pox. Tom is high class, very much so. Well, I got the first vodka tonic. I got it, and I just gave her a 20, and when she brought back the money, I'm like i'm like no no so maybe it was like 50 cents yeah this is all my yeah yeah no she kept all that for sure absolutely absolutely all right where were we what were we talking about blow jobs

i don't know i'm loving these tour stories does that i don't think anybody probably has better tour stories than you do there's, there's a lot of guys. In the book, I Killed. You know the book I Killed? Yes. Isn't there a story about you? Yeah, about Sam Kinison. Yeah.

And me. Oh, is this when you first started? Yeah. That's a great story. Yeah. All right. I'm sure you've told it a million times. I know. A million and one.

You don't want to tell it again. A million and one. All right. You can do the abridged. We're going to get the fuck out of here. This thing's long enough. All right. You can do the abridged. We're going to get the fuck out of here. This thing's long enough. All right. Trust me.

I've already done enough fucking charity for this fucking shit podcast. Ralphie's eyes are closed now, by the way. He's going to tell this story while he's asleep. Yeah, right. He's told it so many times. I was 17 and I had gone to school i'd gotten into a program um called the beginning scholars program university of arkansas and i had gone to school that summer and i was going to i'd gotten selected to be able to go to school in the fall uh i was going to go to high

school and college at the same time and um and i was meeting with my uh study group at shaky's pizza in uh in in fayetteville and uh uh they had a stand-up comedy contest and uh the winner got 50 bucks and a free tab. And so they're like, Ralphie, go up and tell jokes. You're funny. And I'm like, okay. All right, I'll try.

Was that the first time you ever did stage up? No, it wasn't the first. I'd done it like eight times before in talent shows and stuff. Not on a stage with adults, though. Just kids. And I killed and I won. And that night I got a blowjob from unattractive girl

oh and uh those are always and uh that by the way is when i solidified that i uh i was never gonna go to college okay right there no afterwards i was like you know i just got busted my ass and got an a in organic chemistry that's what the study group was for right and i was the only one out of the study group that got an a and no one sucked my dick but i dealt five minutes of dick jokes and i get my dick sucked i'm like fuck college because all colleges are trying to get money to get your dick sucked okay that's all you're trying to do that's all it is okay it's just a constant effort to get your dick wet and i'm willing to make that happen so i was getting it happen with jokes so why fucking spend the money and go to

college yeah or expend the effort you know spend the effort on yourself instead of learning the knowledge of others you know find your own ways you know and maybe maybe have fun doing it i don't know add a natural thing at it and that win entered me into a stand-up comedy contest to open up for sam kinnison that next thursday and um it was gonna it was he needed an opener it was sponsored by the radio station and they had like 20 people perform. And I won that. And I got to ride. And this was in 1989. So like the height of Kinison. Yeah, 1989.

And I got to ride over in his limo. And it was the first time I'd ever been in a limousine. Thank you. Yeah. So you're just on like cloud nine like holy shit like this is coming together pretty goddamn quick like i'm telling jokes and shaking pizza cut to i'm in a limo yeah on my way to perform for sam kinnison exactly yeah completely insane insane especially too because you had you been serious about stand-up before that you just kind of like messed around a little bit yeah okay yeah i wanted to do it but i decided to be

something i did in addition to you know that was a goof i didn't know like a hobby i could really make it but i figured if i tried maybe i could give it a shot you know have fun i'm making people laugh you know and i was nervous was nervous about Being from a small town That I was inadequate to the sophisticated ways Of a larger audience I didn't know if they'd get it But once I got past all that shit I was fine So where was the Kinison show?

It was at the University Ballroom On University of Arkansas campus 3,500 people 3,500 Sold out This is like around your 10th or 11th time doing stand-up on yeah 10th and um i had uh uh on the way over there kennis is like kid are you nervous and i'm like no he goes kid uh do you have a closer and i go what's what do you have a closer? And I go, what do you mean closer? And he goes, it's a big joke to end your show with. And I did, but I didn't know it.

I didn't know what it was. It was just my favorite joke. I would just do my favorite joke, which is the big end. I didn't know. If I'd have thought about it, I'd go, oh, yeah. But I didn't know. I was just dumb. And so I go, I don't know.

He goes, kid, use one of my old ones. If you get into trouble, just start screaming and yelling at the audience. The more you scream and yell at them, the more they'll love you. And you just keep it going. Do as many as you can. And have fun. Keep on cussing them out until you get the big laugh and you fucking leave.

Have fun with it. I'm about five, six minutes in and I'm crushing. How much time did you have in your pocket? How much material? Total probably maybe seven, eight minutes. How long were you supposed to do? Seven, eight minutes.

Do everything I got and be done. I'm about seven eight minutes okay okay do everything i got to be done yep and i uh i'm about five or six in and i'm crushing i mean i'm doing good fucking outstanding like if i had just left there i would have been a big fucking bang you know it would have been awesome yeah but what i did i got excited and i flipped a punchline in a setup and then that next joke was precipitated on that joke crushing okay and it bombed again and so i remember what sam said and i was like hey you stupid inbred ned baity pig fucking y'all fuck Fuck your mothers, you fucking racist cunts. You fucking cunt motherfuckers. All right?

You fucking all fuck your mothers. You fucking pieces of shit. You fucking asshole. 3,500 people in unison. Boo! Boo! My 10th time. I'm 17.

Very sheltered. I started to cry a little bit on stage. And I leave stage. And before I even get off, Sam comes on from the other side. Can you believe that kid come out here and talking to you good people like that? He will never be in show business again. Oh, oh, oh! Oh!

And I am crying even more now. am like so devastated and there's a payphone backstage and i go to the payphone and uh i'm gonna call my mom collect to come pick me up yeah because i left our the other car at the Shakey's Pizza. And as I'm dialing, Bill Kennison, Sam's brother, comes up and hangs the phone up and says, Kid, Sam thought that was funny as hell. He never thought you'd have the balls to do it. You've got to come with us, okay, to the after party. I'm like, all right, no right no problem done let's go and uh

go to the after party and a 17 year old at sam kinnison after party is uh something that should never happen i am 43 now and i don't think i would stay at a fucking Sam Kidderson after party now to be honest with you. The debauchery. The debauchery is incredible. It's magnificent. There were rails to blow, piles to blow,

booze, weed, girls, tons of women. Lots of women. Drugs first. Excuse me, ma' women. Lots of women. Drugs first. Excuse me, ma'am. Pardon me. Can I put my penis in you?

I noticed you had boobs. Can we talk about that? That's interesting, isn't it? Ma'am, your vagina's showing. You have a nice pussy there, I think. Pray tell. I pray tell. pray tell uh i uh did you get statutory rape that night i did i did i had fun okay and uh i came out of the room all right and

sam came out of his room and there were girls everywhere and people doing blow and craziness okay yeah and he's like kid order, order some pizza, all right? And then he did a four-inch line with his right nostril and then came back with his left nostril and did another four-inch line doing a full eight ball, okay, in the process. He did a full fucking eight ball in fucking two lines, okay? Oh, man. He was a maniac maniac and he could eat on it too oh whoa that's crazy that you could eat on coke i was about to say like how's it gonna be like hey

we need pizzas yeah all right and so uh the pizza comes and he pays for the pizza and then tips the guy three little baggies of cocaine all right and then 30 minutes later we get a phone call hey you guys need more pizza you need some more pizza if you need more pizza we'll bring it over to you no problem exactly right and uh that's how it happened man god damn so what are you thinking like wow this is comedy huh this must be every night yeah he's the one who told me to move to Houston. And when I moved to Houston, he was there like a month later. When did you move?

It was a month after that that you moved? No, no. It was like six months. It took that long to talk my mom into letting me just say, fuck school. Okay, so you didn't graduate. No. Okay. No, I didn't graduate.

So, I mean, imagine. I went from honors i went from honors okay and getting into the university would be tested in at 17 to not even being a high school graduate because of sam i went and got my ged but yeah it was so much easier just to take a test and be done with it right but down in arkansas you couldn't take a ged and just opt out wow you know and uh they didn't want you to at least i think the money thing situation right but i i had a blast man you know it was it was fun you know he told me to go to houston i went to houston i um i got a job as an intern being paid like $200 a week for Stevens and Pruitt. And I worked like a dog for that $200 a week to make ends meet.

But I had a blast, man. Houston was awesome. The comedy workshop, his homeroom, had closed down. There was a laugh stop open mic. Spellbinders didn't have open mic they just had book shows and uh the comedy showcase i found the comedy showcase by accident and uh walked in and said hey i'm a comedian i want to be a comic and learn more about it and they laughed at me and said come back that night right and uh i came in and the owner danny martin is a great

comedian uh the comedy showcase was a very very rare club um it was a learning it was like a college for comics and comics from all around the country would come there because he would doll out 10 minute spots uh that was most of his shows or Wednesday or Tuesday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday and Sunday were all showcase shows so there would be 10 comics doing 10 minutes apiece okay and then Friday and Saturday he'd have a paid opener the opener be the only one paid through most of of the week. And if you did two spots, you'd get bumped up. You'd pay more. But it was fun, man.

I mean, it was a great learning place. And he taught me how to be a comic and a man. And I got really funny. I got really funny really fast. And what happens then was I was the 18, 19-year-old kid taking real work, headline work, away from the older comics. Like the veterans. Yeah. And I was the asshole.

Right. You know, you're the asshole at that point. Did you kind of like that at the same time? Like, did it suck to feel, like, separated from those guys? Like, I just want to be friends with everybody. Right. I love you guys just as much, you know i mean to the same aspect i mean when if you get to that point where you're that funny and stuff you would you would be thinking like well why aren't they treat me

the same because you know i'm funny yeah you know but then you have to learn the lesson that you can get further being marketable than you can being funny yeah exactly yeah yeah and and and uh giving respect and i didn't it was they thought it was disrespectful for me to fucking get a standing ovation in front of them okay that i was doing it on purpose i was just trying to be the best i could be you just want to be really funny performing and and uh you know doing everything i could do, and it worked. It was good. Yeah, it wasn't out of arrogance. It was more ignorance than anything.

I was just trying to be as funny as possible. Nobody would hardly talk to me. All those guys were fucking 15, 16 years older than me or more. Right. The youngest one closest to me was 16 years. Wow. Okay? I mean, that's a huge thing. The nearest one to you is 35 and you're 19 and had

you even been to houston before like you're in a completely new city you don't know anybody don't know fucking anybody right and you're like we're all funny right guys i'm like fuck you yeah exactly exactly wow there were such dicks that's incredible that's terrible man how long how long are doing those shows before you started to get some road gigs? Some gigs out? A year. A year. That's quick. Yeah. Well, there was the boom of comedy in the 80s.

And then when the bust happened, all the ones that still either – there was a max exodus from stand-up comedy, especially in the middle parts of the country. In the 90s, there wasn't this vast proliferation of road comics like there is now. There was the most of, I'd say 60% of stand-up comics between 88 and 92 stopped doing stand-up comedy. And the ones that left stayed in New York, or probably more than 60%, to be honest with you. They moved to L.A. or New York, and then, again, worked their way out of stand-up. People weren't in the middle of the country and so all these places that had clubs and had patrons needed stand-ups and so you could really work you could make some

fucking money and the first road gig i did was baton rouge louisiana the funny bone and uh i'm working and i walk into the uh the condo all right i go into the club got the I walk into the condo, all right, going to the club, got the key, went into the condo, and the comedian John Fox was butt-fucking the maid on the fucking sofa. His dick is still in her butt, okay? All right, all right. And he reaches out to shake my hand. No.

I know. I know. With fucking butt hand. I'm like, no, man. It's cool. He's like, hey, I'm John Fox. Pleasure to meet you, man. She's like, what are you doing?

What are you doing back there? I'll let y'all go. It's all right. Hey, thanks, man. Close the door. All right. Thank you. All right.

Hey, baby. It's cool. Boom, boom, boom, boom. And the door. All right. Thank you. All right. Hey, baby, it's cool. Boom, boom, boom, boom. And you just hear him start back fucking her in the butt. Oh, my God. Oh, God. Oh, oh, oh. It's so funny. It's so funny.

Holy shit. Yeah. But that fucks up the living room for the whole week. You know what I'm saying? Not making eye contact. Yeah, right. Hello, Mr. Fox Yeah

So with all those The older comics Shunning you pretty much Yeah How did you get that First gig out of town I was seen I was seen

And Danny Not all the comics Hated me A lot of them Like me They just weren't Assholes You know

And Danny Martinez Took me on the road. Nice. Yeah. And would call for me and make recommendations. He goes, yeah, he works my room. Or would put himself to be a recommendation. That's awesome.

So Sam moved to Houston about a month after you got there? No, no. He was performing there. Okay, performing. He was performing. And I came up to him, and he took me out of his wing. He goes, kid, you got balls. I can't believe you're here.

This is awesome. Wow. And we were just telling a story the other night. Okay, you're coming with us. And he did fucking three nights, two shows each night, 350, sold out. And then a month later, he was back in town he did the arena theater and then afterwards he came back to the last stop for a late night special show okay where he did an hour and a half of different material so i saw him do like six hours different material in like a month and a

half two months yeah and the guy was a fucking beast. And it's all killing. It's all destroying. Yeah. Okay? He's one of the greatest I've ever seen. Right. And he was a beast. What he did in a room, man, I've never seen people do that. He was a fury.

But he was a great guy to me. But also, he was great until about 11.30. And then I fucking got away from him. Because that cocaine gets you angry. Would turn. Yeah, he'd turn. So it'd be like, well, y'all go ahead and fuck on. Right.

Seeing him do all that different material from show to show, did that inspire you? Because I noticed, I mean, working with you this weekend, you don't have a set list. I know there's like stuff you're going to hit, but there's a lot of different material from show to show. Is that something you aspire to or is that something just kind of naturally? No, that's just what I've always done. That's what I've done. That's why I've, I mean, I've recorded 15 hours of stand-up in the past 12 years. It's never been done. No, it's true. I mean, I was looking at your stuff, too.

I mean, you were doing the hour thing before anybody was really talking about doing a new hour every year. Yeah. Because you just had all that material, which is natural. I recorded my first two specials for Comedy Central in the same night. We did two shows at the Tennessee Theater in Knoxville. I sold the first one out, and they go, well, we're going to do another show. And I'm like, great, I'll do different material. You got the cameras there.

And they're like, what? You want to do two? I'm like, yeah, I got it. I'm fucking great. You ain't heard like are you for real i'm like yeah i'm for fucking for real i'm a bad motherfucker jack and i did an hour and a half and an hour and a half different different different crowds yeah we changed clothes yeah change clothes they uh put in a different uh curtain and so girth of a nation and um uh uh prime cut is are both uh uh filmed on the same night in tennessee wow and nobody had ever done that before especially too because you didn't set out

no yeah i haven't heard of anybody doing that no yeah especially because you didn't set out to do that they're like oh by the way you're like okay good great yeah yeah like i'll do uh i'll because they wanted a safety one of that one right and they go are you sure you don't need a safety i go no not at all and and the joke i opened with by the way on that one a girth of a nation the the uh cuba diving joke about the black movie theater okay that joke was only three weeks old i opened with it thinking if it bombed i'd just take it out yeah okay and uh it crushed i couldn't hardly follow it I couldn't hardly follow it. Wow. I couldn't hardly follow it. And that's why the joke that people have latched on the most. And they love that fucking piece.

And it's like, I didn't even mean to do it. I didn't even mean to do it. So what's your plan now when you record specials? Like when you did Unruly, how much material did you have for that? I had two hours. Wow. And then, so do you shoot the entire two hours and then whittle it down when you edit it? The only thing, we took out a piece that gave me, they didn't want to waste in this one, they thought.

They wanted to do another one where I do all my weed stories and stuff. And so I took out the Guam story and put in, but the only edit on what we delivered to them was editing a Magic Johnson joke where I said that Magic Johnson's had AIDS, I mean, HIV, so long he might have gave it to the monkey, for all I know. I wasn't there.

I don't know nothing. Don't ask me. Okay? I don't know nothing. All ask me okay i don't know nothing all right and uh i uh i think that joke is great i just say one of my favorite lines is that lansing's a crazy town okay i know i know that okay i i wasn't there but i'm just saying lansing's a crazy town where he went to college in michigan state all right and i go you know the hole in my mind it makes sense because because it was a green monkey

and the colors for the Spartans are green and white. And so I was just laughing about that. I just think that's hilarious. That's pretty great. Yeah, you're doing some of that this weekend. That was pretty great too. You had some really good lines in there. Thank you.

The line about the pool and all that stuff was really funny. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I went swimming in his lines in there. Thank you. The line about the pool and all that stuff is really funny. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I went swimming in his pool without goggles. Fuck you. Them HIVs ain't in him. They got to be somewhere, Jack. All right? I'm wrecking in there.

I want the nose clips, too. Okay, I'm going nose clipping. It's got to be somewhere. It's got to be somewhere. I ain't getting them HIVs because of you, son. Oh, my God, man. Wrap this fucker up. Yeah, I was about to say, this whole weekend has just been so awesome, man.

I was really excited to open for you. You did good. Oh, thank you, man. Thank you. Your crowds, they were just so great. I think they're the best in comedy. I mean, so many sold-out shows. It was just easy.

It was like, hey, you guys ready to see Ralphie? Like, yeah! I told Josh when I found out he was over for it. I was like, you're going to love Ralphie's crowds. Yeah, I think I told you that, too. I posted on Facebook, like, holy shit, you're hosting for Ralphie. Like, oh, he's the nicest guy. There's so many stories.

Thank you. Everybody that's worked with you, nobody had a bad word to say. It was all just like, oh, he's the nicest dude in comedy and it's i just try to fucking uh not be a dick you know i mean that's my whole goal it's like how you treat people it's like uh not be a dick to them yeah you know that just makes life a lot easier you know people people too often are worked up over shit when all they have to do is just not be a dick. Absolutely. I've had people ask, how do you get booked?

And I'm like, don't be a dick. That is a huge part of it. Do people want to hang out with you? Hey, if there's any young comics out there listening to this, go online. If I can help you or you think you're stuck in some kind of entertainment business or something, if you know a comic, ask them to do this too go online google my name

Ralphie May and the comedy store plus stand up comedy boot camp and there's an hour and a half speech I did about everything I've learned in stand up comedy and and every cheat life hack i can do for a stand-up i'll do for you wow and um it was it's like a ted talk on the yeah yeah that's

awesome that's great man yeah basically absolutely and it was a bunch of comics were there asking questions so it's real questions from real comics. Maybe stuff that can help you. Cool, man. Well, thank you so much for doing this. It was a pleasure working with you. On Twitter, it's at Ralphie underscore May. Yes.

Unruly on Netflix. Yes. You got barbecue sauce. You got it all. Yes. You got condoms, too. Yes. Accidentally talked about your condoms in front of the owner's children.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Did I tell you that? No. And then it's like, oops, sorry. And he goes, oh, don't worry. They don't know what they are. And Willie goes, wait, do you know what they are?

And his son goes, you put them on your penis. And his daughter goes, yeah, your penis. And it's like, I hope I work here again. Yeah, right. If not, it's been fun, my goobies. Going out on top. So thanks again for doing this, man. No problem.

My pleasure. Tommy, anything to plug? Check my website, TommyCimbazzo.com. And you're on the Twitters? I'm on the Twitters at TommyCimbazzo.com. And Thundergrunt.com, our lovely podcast network here in Baltimore. Thank you to everybody that's listening. Dig Sesh Pod on Twitter, digressionsessions.com, slash calendar for upcoming dates.

And that's it. Now let's hang out without microphones. Word. Thanks, man. We'll see you next time. Thank you.