The Digression Sessions - Ep. 157 - Josh & Mike Solo (@JoshKuderna & @MikeMoranWould)

Episode Date: May 20, 2015

Twitter & Instagram - Josh Kuderna - @JoshKuderna Mike Moran - @MikeMoranWould  DigressionSessions.com/Calendar for live dates Hola, Digheads! On today’s Digression Sessions we do an old fashioned Josh and Mike only cast! Josh is sick with food poisoning and Mike is feeling kind of insane, so the resulting conversation is very much entertaining. The boys catch up on what’s going on in their lives and discuss Josh’s misadventures in Pennsylvania with an angry mob of rednecks and an even angrier crab cake, and Mike’s utter misunderstanding of how banks, cars, and computers work.  Please do the Dig Sesh a solid and subscribe to and rate us on iTunes, or Stitcher! Say hi onTwitter and Facebook. Keep those positive comments and reviews in iTunes coming guys! Feels great to see them! We love you!

hey everybody i'm josh kaderna and i'm mike moran and you're listening to the digression sessions podcast a baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers. Join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence. As we interview local and non-local comedians, writers, musicians, and anyone else we find creative and interesting. Yes. Who's the guest this week? Sharing microphones. I took off yesterday because I got a tooth removed, which really sucked.

I look like a hockey player that just got braces. Isn't that gross? Isn't that gross? Well, good. I'm glad you're coming down to my level. Looks nice. Thanks, man. Thank you. you're coming down to my level. Looks nice. Thanks, man.

Thank you. No, it's... Yeah, it was fucking terrible. So I wasn't eating all day. I'm just peeing out of my butt. Butt pee, eh? But let's plug some stuff, shall we? At least butt pee doesn't come with penis poop. It doesn't go the other way around.

It's like, oh, God! poop yeah it doesn't go the other way around i guess that's kind of like what a uh uh kidney stone is like dude i have just been shitting out of my dick all weekend i called that one you in the bathroom no Oh, God. Oh, God. Kill me. That one was bigger than my penis somehow. How's that possible? All right. But on a serious note, like kidney stones.

Yeah. Suicide. If I get them. Fuck that. I've never had them. But yeah, they seem terrible. I'm not doing that. No.

I quit. If I do that, I quit. I quit life. Not doing it. That's like your manager asking you to do something ridiculous but yeah, they seem terrible. I'm not doing that. No. I quit. If I do that, I quit. Just quit life. Not having it. Not doing it. That's like your manager asking you to do something ridiculous. Like, no, sorry. You can find somebody else.

I'm out of here. Look, I'm not supposed to even be cleaning the fryers. Hire somebody else to do that. That's not my gig. All right. So we got some stuff to plug. Do we? Yeah.

Well, we got shows, don't we? Yeah. Theoretically. I don't have a lot, though, coming up. Theoretically? I just did a whole bunch. Well, we got shows, don't we? Yeah. Theoretically. I have a lot, though, coming up. Theoretically? I just did a whole bunch. Oh, nice. I will be, this weekend, I just found out, I will be at the Arlington Draft House Friday and Saturday.

Two shows. Excellent. I think the first one on Friday is at 7.30, then 10 o'clock, and then Saturday at 7 and 10 o'clock with Fortune Feimster is how you say her name? She's a comedian, of course, and then a regular contributor on the Chelsea Lately program. So I'm hoping a lot of people come out. Awesome.

I have a joke where I say fag in it, so I think that's going to get cut. I believe she's a lesbian with a big gay following, so I don't know how that's going to go. But yeah, hopefully you guys can come out to those shows if you're in the area.

It should be a good old good damn time. Michael? I don't have a lot. The 29th of May, Population 6 is performing at the Mercury. That's your improv troupe. At 8 p.m., yes. Let's see. I'll be doing Zizimos on the 18th of June at 8 p.m.

And that's kind of all I got right now. Nice. I do have a new column up in Brightest Young Things about past guest Michael Lowry. Ooh. Drummer of Future Islands. Yes. He's a bad dude. In a good way.

No, he's a good dude. In a good way. Like Michael Jackson bad. Oh, okay. When that was still a good thing. Right. You know? I don't know if it was a good thing when he was saying that sure it was he's like who's bad in a good way it was in

parentheses and that backup band um yeah dude got a tooth pulled fucking sucked and uh it's really strange too how they can numb you up and have you ever had a tooth pulled um i've had wisdom teeth removed right were you awake for that or out no i was yeah i did ever had a tooth pulled um i've had wisdom teeth removed right were you awake for that or out no i was out i did however have a tooth kind of ground down to a nub i guess it's like a root canal and then covered with like a metallic robot tooth yeah see it's oh yeah i can see that looks good it's in the back there yep's not bad. The tooth that I got removed is right in the front. Right. So it's like I just have this gaping hole now. It really fucking sucks.

Yeah. Yeah. But the bottom gaps aren't always as sexy as upper gaps. No. I yeah. I wish I was good at Photoshop because I was going to put fall into the gap like you know the gap style gap brand clothing. Sure.

I'm going to get a sponsorship from them. But yeah, it's the... These pants are from the Gap, actually. Hey, there you go. From my mouth, right there. That's right. That's how big the hole is. You can fit Mike's pants right there.

So... Why did they pull a tooth? Are you sure they were supposed to do that? I hope so. You sure they just didn't fuck up and then they're like, oh, no, we should pull that We were supposed to put an extra tooth in why why would you why is there ever a good reason to pull a tooth unless it's like killing your face well it was a killer tooth actually it sent me a lot of a lot of evil right spiteful messages

no that's the thing i thought too i was like are you sure we have to do this and uh apparently yeah like there's so much crowding up front that they had to remove it so when everything is straight, everything's going to push in eventually and kind of equal out. And this was at that gas station bathroom? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. You've been there, right? Yeah.

Roy. Yeah. Dr. Roy, he calls himself. Dr. Roy? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He's a good guy. He's a good guy.

Friends call him Roy, though. You don't have to say Dr. Roy. So you're going to be minus a tooth. Yeah. But it's not always going to have a gap there. But it'll just be like the other guys just fill in like in a photo. Mm-hmm. But how's that going to work?

Because they're going to be like, I mean, are they going to be centered? Yeah. No, it's not like everything's going to be off to the left. There's going to be a hole. I know, but it seems even weirder to push everything together. Then your canines are going to be off to the left there's going to be a hole i know but it seems even weirder to push everything together then your canines are going to be in weird places no they won't be they'll still be close like basically what they're going to do is pull everything back in a way so like the front teeth will be pulled back to the canines you know what i mean and this one canine here is up too far on the right.

So once that one is pushed back, like everything is going to kind of just fold in. Okay. Essentially is what I'm told, is what I hope. Because, you know, when they yanked it out yesterday, believe me, I had the same thoughts you did. I was like, did they have to, like when I'm just staring at this giant hole,

like, do we have to do this? So, yeah, it it's gonna be fun getting used to for a while well hey you're making progress i guess it is a weird thing too missing a tooth it's like like all right let me just yank out your credibility right there like i could say the smartest thing in any conversation now and be like and that's how i proved quantum mechanics and religion are the same thing like i sure you did yeah it shows that jig that you made up cletus this is before after you just blow on this jug yeah this is before after you cooked up meth in your grandmother's basement it was before uh yeah so so yeah dealing with that yeah she's done she's out of here so uh thank you for

podcasting with me in this uh this nice trailer that i got where i make my meth uh no amanda's in you know she's been here a while she can't leave now she could leave oh she can't why because you do what what what do you mean she can't leave now what are you talking about it's not like she wants to pay yeah it's not like i would kill her. Unless she wants to pay. Yeah, it's not like I would kill her parents or anything. Sure. Yeah. I'm not a monster.

So they prescribed me Tylenol 3. That's good stuff, Mike. Wow. Tylenol 3D? Yeah. Comes with the glasses and everything. Very cool. Nice.

So I go to take it to the pharmacy, and do the whole thing they're like uh this is gonna take like a half hour which i never understand it's like you guys aren't making pills i worked at a pharmacy once how's that work they're not like cooking up pills there no but a lot of times i mean was there a line no i did well i don't know when i came back there was i did run into the two stereotypical like old women right like the man said these were a dollar and now you're telling me they're a dollar 55 i don't think it is jesus christ guys you know yeah well they have like a block of tylenol four in the back they have to chisel each pill individually yeah that's what they do they run it they just have a pick at a chisel

yeah they have to move a huge rock to get to it sunlight it's all natural i mean they like they they get the rocks from like you know siberia they get them out of caves and they ship them over here that's the good stuff yes that's the good stuff so uh so yeah i leave and i come back to like oh hey and this is after i'm waiting in line for these women she's like oh okay i, okay, I got you, I got you. And I was like, all right. So these two women take like a half hour to buy five things, of course. And she's like, oh, so your doctor's name and her DEA number,

which I didn't know was a thing. Apparently that's like... DEA, like a drug enforcement agent? I don't know if that's what it is, but they have some type of code that's supposed to match up with their name right for when you're getting a prescription yeah and those two things didn't match so they're like oh we couldn't fill it and i was like oh cool like yeah and we called your dentist office and they're closed so good luck thanks so did they think you were a fraudster no i don't think so i mean it looked legit it was i just gave him the piece of paper that gave me it's not like it was like written in my hand on the back of a sears receipt it's like oh

sign dr tooth yeah uh yeah it's pretty legit dr tooth is the best in the business the cavity fighters i don't know like the corral of cavity cowboys yeah exactly trying to think up like cartoon uh dental like the stuff they showed you in like fighting gingivitis yeah yeah yeah like there's a war going on in your mouth yes like shooting cavities in the head and shit blindfolding them and lining them up and shooting each one. Cavity's children in front of them. You get out of here. No Cavity's in this town. They keep one for like a sex slave.

Or it's like the usual suspects. He's like, and then he showed these men what real power was. Do you remember that? Yeah. He has to kill his own family. Yeah. Cavity killed his own family. The war in your mouth. You're going to do some terrible things you never thought you would do in there it's for a war son so uh and

children collateral damage yeah so i had that and then uh i don't know if it's crab cake sandwich that i had at the harrisburg comedy zone not gonna put them on blast i don't know if that's what it was but ever since sunday i have just been peeing out of my butt it is terrible when in doubt it's probably the seafood yeah that's what i was thinking so it does kind of feel good to pee out of your butt though i mean you feel horrible otherwise i don't like it it's a nice feeling to just have a nah it's like running a hose down there just cleaning it i like a good solid bm do you yeah i like it when mine is nice and loose really just falls apart oh upon entry no upon impact like a like an armor piercing bullet it explodes as soon as it hits no that's see that's no good because then i feel like something went

terribly wrong inside you know yeah and i don't but it could also just well in my case it's often if i'm eating really healthy. Well, like kale shakes and stuff. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Like Joe Rogan has described his kale shakes. He's like, and you will poop like your poop is late for a plane trying to get to the airport.

That's how your... Right. That's how your poop leaves your butt. Yeah. Yeah. Would you say that's an accurate description of your poop leaving your butt um yeah cinnabon stops uh not applicable right right no baggage right not checking anything yeah yeah oh i just spilled a ton of water on my crotch things are going well

yeah so dude got the tooth out and then just feeling just generally terrible yeah you look kind of shitty. Thank you. Thank you. I mean, you always look good, but you got like a little bit of the sink face going, you know? Yeah. The death face. I think I've lost probably some weight over the past couple days.

You could probably play a zombie right now and not have to use a lot of makeup. Yeah. Thank you. You got bags under your eyes. Yeah. I feel it. Yeah. I feel it.

Yeah. I just went for a run, too. I was like, you know what? Maybe I should. I feel it. Yeah. I feel it. Yeah. I just went for a run too. I was like, you know what? Maybe I should try to feel better. That's a bad idea. It was. It's terrible. I used to think that too.

And then I've come to the conclusion that you just got to rest. Yeah. Just allow yourself to be a lazy piece of shit. I just go through that thing where I'm like, oh, I just feel terrible. I just don't want to be lazy. Yeah. Because that was like most of what yesterday was. Yeah. It's awful. I know what you mean. you mean yeah like psychologically you just feel like god damn it's

such a waste yeah i guess but yeah i guess you just need those days where you just lay down and you do just like rest and water is like all you can do basically yeah and i went to bed at like 10 30 last night and then i got up a few times to go to the bathroom of course but then like got up at like 10 so it's like plenty of sleep. When I was a teenager, I fucking loved that feeling of not having to do anything and just lie in bed and watch TV all day. Yeah. Now I want to kill myself after an hour of that. Well, now there's real consequences.

It's not even that. I feel like sometimes it's okay to take a day off or whatever, but my mind like i'll just my my mind will just be like really it's 2015 i'm 33 i need to get up and work constantly right well that's what i mean like as far as consequence like when you're like 16 or 17 you're like yeah there'll be something tomorrow well but i mean looking back i wish i would have done a whole lot more i'm talking about your mindset at the time right it's not like at the time you're like yeah you know what i mean like you feel like you have plenty of time then as you get older you're like oh i don't have as much time as i thought yeah yeah so i've just been trying to deal with that then like today

like vacuumed and cleaned and shit like i don't know it's it's just stupid i'm being productive yeah i would say give yourself a break and just like read a book or watch tv yeah i think that's what i'm gonna do you know watching some documentaries whales they've been whales eh they've been up to some stuff oh yeah what are they doing these days we're talking about the country right uh nope nope talking about uh the sperm whale you've seen these things you've seen these motherfucking sperm whales do you know they hunt in the ocean deep do you know then the ocean deep where it's completely dark really the uh the mariana trench if you will not specifically there but real deep the ocean deep. Did you know that? In the ocean deep? Where it's completely dark. Really? In the ocean deep. The Mariana Trench, if you will.

Not specifically there, but real deep. It's the only deep part of the ocean right now. But just basically like so far down in the ocean where there's no light. Why? What are they doing down there? They're killing fucking giant squid. They breathe regular air.

Yeah. You can eat stuff up top, whales. You don't need to be... Some of them do, but the sperm whale, the largest predator on the planet, Michael? Really? They go down to the ocean deep. The way they hunt shit down there is...

Stop saying the ocean deep. The deep, deep ocean deep. The ocean deep. 20,000 leagues under the sea, Michael. They do something like... They weren't specifically calling it sonar, but they basically shoot out a noise from their nose, basically.

And it tracks stuff there. And then if you get stuck in this, basically you can't move. And they're fucking eating giant squid. Well, if you get stuck in their sonar, you can't move? Kind of. Well, basically, it doesn't hold you in place, but once they've tracked on you, you're basically done. But they never eat humans, right? Well, how often do you go to the ocean deep, Michael?

I've been to the ocean Delaware several times. Uh-huh. You see any sperm whales? No. They're just in the buffet line. Excuse me. Excuse me. They're getting henna tattoos.

Eating everything. Snowballs. Yeah. So that's the thing. I've just been laying around watching documentaries. Excuse me. They're getting henna tattoos. Eating everything. Snowballs. Yeah. So that's the thing. I've just been laying around watching documentaries. All right. So sperm whales are eating giant squids. Giant squid.

Now, the giant squid, that was an example of a creature that was believed to be cryptozoological for many, many years. I heard it was supposed to be the cryptozoological list. Squid around. No? As far as squids go, sure. Yeah, okay. But yeah, that was like something that was considered to be not real.

Yeah, they called them giant squids. They're freaking real. Freaking whale. Yeah, you got to call a squid a squid, you know? You really do. A giant squid's a giant squid. If a tentacle's like a squid, it's probably a squid. Hi, I'm Mike Moran for the giant squid.

So what have you been up to? Nothing. Besides saying I look like a zombie. Just doing the same things that I always do. I've been going to D.C. a little more. It's been a lot of fun. Yeah, it's been going well? Yeah, yeah, really well. Good. Besides saying I look like a zombie. Just doing the same things that I always do. I've been going to D.C. a little more. It's been a lot of fun. Yeah, it's been going well?

Yeah, yeah, really well. Good. Yeah, it feels good. And I might become an Uber driver. Really? Yes. Interesting. Yes.

You need to get a working GPS or something. Well, I can use my phone. Okay, good. Yeah, I have this new curvy phone. I know. I've seen it. I don't understand why it's got the curve, but it works for you.

Well, no one asked you, nor did they. I wish they would have because I would have said, hey, the flat phone seems to be working just fine. Yeah, you're right. Okay, so what are you going to do for the Uber? How does it work? Is there much of a registration thing?

There is. It's not a lot, though. It's like, are you a murderer? You check yes. They're like, I see you erased yes. Oh, yeah, sorry. I wasn't paying attention. I thought you meant of delicious steak.

My friend, his dad died, uh he had a bunch of guns you started this with uh so everyone's dad died yeah it's good it's good and he had a bunch of guns and uh he wasn't gonna do anything with the guns he's actually listening to the show ryan shout out to ryan uh and uh so he sold the guns brought him to a gun store. Right. And you had to fill out something like a check sheet. It was basically like, are you a criminal? And then the next, I think one line said, are you Spanish? And then one line said, are you an immigrant? Or something.

What? It's just like shit that just should not matter. Wow. Yeah. That's crazy. Are you Spanish? It was something like that. Ryan, text me and Yeah. That's crazy. Are you Spanish? It was something like that. Ryan, text me and correct me on that one.

Are you Swedish? It was seriously along those lines. Like, you ain't an immigrant, is you? It says that. Yeah. How many stars are in a Confederate flag? Dude tail boy. Yeah.

Okay. So anyway, so you're trying to become an Uber driver. Yes. What's the word yeah uh well i submitted to the background check should be good uh although uh well i probably shouldn't say anything but i had a little trouble with the law when i was a little younger but i think that's well beyond the scope of uh background check yeah You haven't been to a cockfight in like years. Yeah, at least one year. Yeah. At least a year.

Multiple days. Yes. Uh-huh. And yeah, I'd have to get another car though. Okay. Why? Your car's not good enough? It's too old.

Oh, yeah? But here's my question is, okay, so it's got to be 10 years or less. Uh-huh. But if I get something that's from 2006, does that mean in two years I got to get another one? Probably. You think so? Mm-hmm. Well, that's not fair.

I don't know. Look, what do I work for Uber? What do I look like, Mr. Goddamn Uber? I was thinking maybe I could lease one. I hear, this is what my pod tells me, leasing is a rich man's game. Is it? It seems not to be to me. Because you just end up spending more money than you would.

Do you really though? But it's like $2,000 down and then like $200 a month or whatever. And like no repairs or anything. What do you mean no repairs? They take care of all that. I don't know. Depends how long the lease is i guess right uh maybe yeah it could work and then then again i never looked into what my dad said because i

did the same thing i was like think about leasing us nah it's not right it's for the rich and i was like okay because i mean even even if it's like two three thousand dollars a year that's still gonna be way less than buying a new car i mean maybe not after like five six years but yeah how long would the lease be i think they usually last like three four years three or four years and you're only paying two thousand well but actually the upside the upshot would be i know um weird how the upshot is like the downside but i think the upshot would be that i i would probably use way more miles than you're allowed because you're only allowed a certain number of miles oh right right right yeah because it's either the like the year or like the like the duration of the lease versus miles right yeah

yeah so i don't know there's extra fees and stuff that go along with that but i still just think it'd be easier than like trying to come up with twenty thousand dollars to get a car i don't think you need twenty first well i mean for something that's a few years old you would get a loan though yeah yeah i am alone no no you would get a loan from a bank right and they yeah you don't need twenty thousand up front you just need i know percentage of that i have it though have what 20 000 okay but that would be like all my money ever yeah that's what i mean you'd be you'd be dead broke and like say something happens to your cars right yeah so this way yeah if you get a loan you know what i mean you would only be paying 2 000 up front you can

sit on your 18 and then pay a monthly fee. How much do you pay a month generally in situations like that? It depends on your credit. I got damn good credit. Do you? I should, yeah. That helps. I've never had any debt or anything.

Well, go, what bank do you use? MNT. Shout out. Yeah, sponsor. That would be great if we get sponsored by a bank. That's big money. They have free money right uh yeah go to your bank and then say hey i'm mike fucking moran and i have great credit and i'm looking at car i'm looking to get me a car so what they would do is they would say

oh you're you know how much do you want to spend on the car and you'd say i don't know 15 to 20 so they would try to go with the highest and they say oh yeah you're you're approved and then you're what you would pay back like the percentage on that like interest is what you got to pay attention to i got lucky with mine i have 1.99 which apparently is like the lowest you can go almost really yeah so um yeah so anything like you know like three four percent is pretty good right so yeah if they're like yeah of course michael with just 20 interest we can give you a loan blah blah uh so tell them to shove it yeah but if it's good they'll print out something that you can take to a dealership so when you go to buy it basically i'll have a note yeah yeah yeah exactly like a note from your mom saying that

you can buy a car assigned to m&t yeah yeah exactly so this way you don't have to empty your savings on a car right which depreciates in value as soon as you buy it sure so sure yeah do that all right well thank you josh this has been, do that. I mean, that's my limited knowledge. Or I'll sell you my car for $4,000. How old is it? 2005. So you don't have that much time to enjoy it. Well, I'm going to find out from these Uber people if you can.

How long it could last. Yeah. Yeah. Is yours four-door? Mm-hmm. Really? Maybe I will. Mine's perfect for the Uber.

It's the Grand Marquis. It already looks like a taxi. Does it look really nice? No, it's kind of fucked up. Yeah, it's got to look shiny and new, I think. It's fucked for the Uber. It's the Grand Marquis. It already looks like a taxi. Does it look really nice? No, it's kind of fucked up. Yeah, it's got to look shiny and new, I think. It's fucked up on the outside. Really? The paint's peeling for some reason.

Huh. Oh, well. Drive too fast, bro. Too fast. Can't drive 55. I can't. I really can't. Legally.

And because of that whole speed thing. I wonder how many people have died because of that song. You think they're like screaming it? I can't drive 55. No, I don't think that's why they're... They're like singing along, not paying attention. They're rocking out so hard. They're actually driving 37 miles an hour.

Just really enjoying it though. It's just so distracting how hard it rocks. Yes, this rocks this rocks uh no i mean but it's probably justified a lot of speeding you know i don't think so sorry officer but i just can't drive 55 run along you scamp i could see that happening i wonder if david uh not david lee roth who did that one sammy hagar hagar you think mr hagar has tried that probably yeah probably yeah i think celebrities do get away with stuff like that pretty often you know he's super super rich from his tequila really like really really rich his cabo. Yes. He sold it for like a billion dollars. Did he really?

Yeah. Wow. Crazy. Well, he still sucks. So, you know. It doesn't matter how much money you're going to have. You're still Sammy Hagar. It'd be so shitty if somebody edited your Wikipedia to say that.

Like, Mike Moran, worth one billion, but he still sucks. So, what are you going to do? Jesus Christ. You got a source for that? It's to do? Jesus Christ. You got a source for that? It's your mother. Jesus Christ. It just says your mother. God damn it.

And then it goes to her page and a bunch of insults there. Mike, you have any run-ins with any drunken assholes as of recently? No, not that I can think of. I had a lovely time at the harrisburg comedy zone this weekend by the way with raymond the amish comedian it was fun it was a two-man show uh he turned butter on stage yeah that's his closer and he hands it out it's great no he was really funny uh but um i'm i was sitting in the way back during uh during his set like i went up did my thing and then i got something to eat i got the crab cake sandwich in question and uh i'm sitting

behind this table that had been like talking the whole time and people were throwing napkins at them and i didn't know that so i'm sitting like right behind these drunk people. Somebody throws a napkin at him. And then like this fat white trash guy turns around. He goes, why'd you fucking throw that? To you? Yeah. Oh. And I go, throw what?

He goes, don't fuck with me. Oh, man. Why'd you throw that napkin? I was like, dude, I didn't throw that. Wait, why does this white trash guy sound like he's from Brooklyn? Hey, bro, why'd you throw that fucking napkin? No, that's just what he sounded like. He's like, why'd you throw it then?

I was like, I didn't. And then I love this classic drunk guy thinking. Or they're like, so matter of fact, he's just like, my friend saw you throw it. That's impossible because I didn't throw it. He's like, all right. His friend is like, dude, don't do anything. If he throws it again, we'll fuck him up. What do you guys think that I'm going to do?

I host the comedy show and then I throw a napkin. That's what I do. That's my thing. The guy was sitting three feet away. And I just point and throw it at him. Josh's napkin throwing Kaderna. Yeah. And then later I saw him.

Throw that napkin. Then later I saw him at the bar and he goes hey man just tell the truth all right you threw the jesus christ if you threw it just say it just be a man about it i was like i didn't throw the fucking napkin he goes well it was either you or the guy you're sitting next to and i go that was the owner he goes look man i'm friends with the owner's son all right i don't give a fuck. And I was like, well, then tell him. What do you want? What do you want? Wow.

Yeah. Wow. So how did it end? I just walked away. I was like, all right. Yeah. You don't take things like that personally? No.

I was more just annoyed. Yeah. When the guy's like so dumb. Yeah. And then he had like three friends too. And I was like, I wish I knew how to fight. I'm sure they didn't either. And they were

super drunk right so i would have just gone for his balls just licked him i mean i would just i would just try to pummel his balls sure yeah yeah it's the move right just go for the balls or or kick his kneecap like the wrong way with both feet and both hands you can grab all four sets of balls yeah i mean well at least you can make contact with all four sets of balls yeah what about this move where you kick their knee the wrong way like straight on and it bends the wrong way and they collapse yeah i think there is a proper way to do that and it is extremely devastating and requires like yeah months and months of rehabilitate rehabilitation yeah like if you shatter the kneecap or whatever like i heard al magical talking about that.

Very funny comedian. But somebody would say because he has a real anger problem. Like don't you like worry about getting in a fight? He's like, no. I'll just fucking kick him right in the knee as hard as I can. And then I'll punch him in the throat. Yeah. I think the problem with that though is that he could probably sue you for a lot of money.

I mean if he attacked me first. And you could go to jail yeah yeah if he attacks you first i mean it wouldn't be like he's like hey why'd you throw that napkin i just kick him in the knee as hard as i can i wouldn't do that yeah i think people do forget that like bar fights can put you in jail for a long time and cost tens of thousands of dollars and oh yeah you know and you can kill people too yeah it's crazy yeah like you hit somebody uh they fall backwards and hit their head on something or anything yeah yeah and on top of that i have no idea how to fight right no either

no idea i mean i've watched a lot of movies uh-huh but movie fights never end up like real fights do they nah like movie fights i mean in this situation you'd be like dodging chairs it would hit somebody else you would drop to the ground and kick someone and jump up and jump on the bar and like throw something at one guy. Yeah, I would do that move where you run up the wall and you do a backflip over the guy. Yes, yes. And then I tap him on the shoulder. Right.

I go, guess who? I just kick him in the knee as hard as I can again. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Guess who? You have a good catchphrase for each one.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When I kick him in the knee, they're all personalized. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When I kick him in the knee, like, ooh, tough break. Nice.

That'd be the move right there. And then I rip his tongue out. Cat got your tongue? I would be dressed like a cat, of course, from the Broadway play,

Cats. How did Adam make Eve how with his rib he breaks his rib the guy plays along how do tell I'm listening go ahead remember that stupid Batman and Robin movie like they set up

an entire scene I remember the Batman and Robin movie bite your tongue i'm not talking about the dark knight rises okay um though they both feature bane oh yeah there's like a whole scene in a museum have you seen mad max yet by the way no okay um and there's a dinosaur there for some reason even though it's like a museum with diamonds in it and then you know it's the dinosaur diamond museum yeah and it's like the whole scene is set up so that at the end arnold schwarzenegger can be like you know what killed the dinosaurs the ice age which is historically inaccurate number one and number

two like huge meteor yeah basically lit the world on fire it's the exact opposite yeah yeah and but they needed to put this stupid dinosaur in a diamond museum just for that right right right but other than that it's a flawless sure yeah it's really good i do think it is a little better than people get a credit credit for it's fun to watch the ice age it looks it looks cool yeah who... Yeah, they had Bane in there, and then... Poison Ivy. Poison Ivy. Is that it? And Dr. Ice Doctor. Dr. Ice Doctor?

Mr. Freeze. Mr. Freeze. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Freezeman. Bill Freezeman. The Ice Age.

He makes, like, every... He even uses, like, at least one bad pun that the Simpsons parodied Schwarzenegger on using years before. Like McBain, who is the parody of Schwarzenegger, does the ice to see you joke as a joke pun. And then they actually use that in the movie after the Simpsons

did. It was such a good McBain too, where he's in the ice sculpture of Venus de Milo. Ice to see you you have you seen the trailer for his new movie maggie no arnold schwarzenegger it's supposed to be like a serious turn where it's christ that always goes well it's uh it's the zombie apocalypse but it's like months after so everybody's kind of used to it and then his daughter is becoming a zombie and it's more of a slow turn like it

takes like a month right to like really okay i think i heard about this and his daughter's supposed to be quarantined but he's not gonna let it happen and the weird thing is he's like in idaho and he's like a farmer or something but you know just like leave my daughter alone you know i'm just a regular down home american man i'm just a working man-home American man. I'm just a working man. I go to my truck. I work hard. I play hard. Yeah, exactly.

My zombie daughter. They always do that with Schwarzenegger movies. They just don't acknowledge that he's a giant Austrian man. Yeah, exactly. He's just a New York City cop or something. Well, I think they have it. Yeah, yeah. We do it all the time.

So, yeah, i haven't seen maggie though but i saw you saw mad max everybody's going nuts for everybody's raving about it it's this year's lego movie to me where i can't believe that it's good but everyone sees that i dug the lego movie yeah mad max not so much really everybody so you're the one percent on rotten tomatoes i think so i didn't hate it but i but essentially it's just a car chase for two hours. I'm not seeing where the problem is yet. Which is okay. It's okay.

Was it not too fast and not too furious enough for you? No, I don't know. It just didn't really knock my dick in the dirt. The end, the final... Climax. Yeah, it's pretty good. Like, the third act is pretty solid. Right.

But essentially, spoiler alert, this isn't too bad, but, like, they do one thing the whole movie. Like, video games used to do this. They probably still do, but, like, you do one thing for, like, an hour and a half. You fight monkeys with barrels. Right. And then they go, wait a minute.

We gotta undo the thing we did right now let's just go back the same exact way we did so it's like the whole beginning of the movie is pointless because they're just gonna turn around and go back to where they came from wait they do that in video games yeah well they'll be like you missed the amulet head back and it's like i didn't know there was supposed to be a you know what i mean like yeah yeah yeah so it was that type of thing and then also tom hardy's character he's doing a weird bane like voice he's like i'm mad max it's like what are you what are you doing why are you he plays mad max yeah weird which i'm fine with but yeah like it seemed like he didn't know what to do with his voice right it's like i'm being chased right like it was really weird now are there some really great scenes of course but

everybody that's like dude you gotta fucking see it so why does everybody think it's so great then i don't know because it is so over the top like they're like during the chase there's one truck that is just devoted to this guy that plays a double guitar, electric guitar that has like... You know those guitars that are like double guitars? It just has a ton of amps and he's just playing guitar while they're chasing. Yeah, exactly. Wow, that sounds very 80s.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's just playing guitar and there's like flame shooting out of it. He's like surrounded by like a million amps. he's just playing guitar, and there's flame shooting out of it. He's surrounded by a million amps. He's like, ah, playing guitar. It's weird. I mean, for it to get that high of a score on Rotten Tomatoes and get the good reviews that it's gotten, I would assume that it is actually a good character movie. You actually like the characters, and no?

You don't even really get to know. I don't even really get to know i don't know maybe i don't i haven't seen enough of the old mad max movies to i doubt that'll be much of a factor but they do a whole thing where he's like haunted by i guess it's just his family turner no she i think she's not in it i don't know why they... Only count me out. Yeah, they forgot about that. But yeah, he's like... The whole time he can't tell what's real. He's haunted by, I guess, his family died. Yeah, yeah.

So, I don't know. Visually, there's some really cool stuff. There's definitely some amazing scenes. But for everybody to be like, dude, it's fucking perfect. Right. It's like... Right. Okay.

It's okay. Yeah. All right. Yeah i i feel like that about certain movies from time to time and rock bands that everyone likes yeah maybe that's the thing too is built up too much maybe if i went in like zero expectations sure but yeah like dude it's like fucking 99 of rotten tomatoes right avengers 2 didn't like that either didn't see it probably won't see it yeah did you see the first one yes it was pretty good i mean i'll watch a movie like that but i like the first one yeah i i like the second one too but there's a weird uh everybody's seen it by this point but there's a weird subplot where you find out that one of the avengers is married

right and their whole thing is they have to get off the grid because they're bad guys everywhere he's basically in the internet right and so they go to his house that he lives out with his wife and his several kids Hawkeye the guy that shoots the arrows sure and they're like where are we he's like we're at the safe house so and it's just his family and it's so fucking stupid it's like he's an avenger and uh there he's talking about like uh remods he wants to do in the house and he's like putting on a flannel and he's like yeah i think if we knock down this barrier are they like playing it for laughs or is it like no it's supposed to be like this sentimental

thing and like the avengers are all beat up and it's like i don't want to fucking know that an avenger goes to like home depot on the weekends and he's like yeah i think we can really open up the sun room and i'll work on that and she's like no more projects like i swear it's my last project and then his wife goes uh it's just the two of them and he's like talking about how the team's messed up and they got to get their shit together and uh she's like well you just have to help them, and he's talking about how the team's messed up and they got to get their shit together. And she's like, well, you just have to help them. You have to be sure that they're on your side.

And she goes, look, you know I don't mind your avenging. Ugh. Ugh. Wow. I don't mind your avenging. Jesus Christ. I don't prefer it. Yeah.

But I don't mind it. Yeah, it was just terrible to see. No one wants to see their superhero like putting on a flannel and he has like two kids like what does he do he just is an avenger from nine to five during the week yeah like i mean some superhero movies like like batman or whatever yeah are supposed to have like an element of realism but like the ones that are just like super fantastical it's just kind of like yeah why even try yeah like when wolverine went and stayed with that elderly couple on a farm i didn't see that yeah stupid yeah but i don't know i feel

like there's so many of those movies coming out these days that like unless it's like really kick ass i'm not even gonna bother i heard that the second captain america is surprisingly great i dug that yeah it was pretty good um yeah yeah yeah i like that one maybe a little bit better than adventures too but uh yeah mad max i don't know people who might be mad at me on that one but it was okay yeah good we're gonna receive a lot of hate mail over this good look any press is good press sure so uh yeah which is why i will be picketing a soldier's funeral this weekend. Going to be holding up a digression session to take it in. Like, if they can do that, then I should be able to do that. God loves dead soldiers and the digression sessions.

Available on iTunes and Stitcher. On the fabulous Thunder Grunt Network. So you got anything else going on? No, not really. No? No. not really. No? No. Okay. I'll be at Cocoa Lane Wednesday night.

I guess this will be up by then. Yeah, I hope so. So yeah, this is just a little quick catch-up episode. Yeah, man. It feels good. It's like the old days. Yeah, man. So yeah, and then hopefully maybe we'll try to get Fortune on the podcast this weekend.

She seems like a cool lady. Awesome. So yeah, other than that, I'm going to try to get some on the podcast this weekend she's cool she seems like a cool lady awesome so uh yeah other than that i'm gonna try to get some sleep because i've been uh yeah it's weird just not eating too you just feel like shit yeah yeah hate it i hate it uh good time you seem to be you seem okay though as far as other than the way you look i mean you look like shit but you seem like you're doing the best you can with the pile of shit you the way you look i mean you look like shit but you seem like you're doing the best you can with the pile of shit you've been dealt look god hates you but i don't pound all right okay all right well yeah let's let's wrap this thing up follow us on twitter

i am at josh kaderna on instagram as well as josh kaderna michael uh at mike moran wood on twitter on twitter not in the instagram yet maybe someday i can't wait till you get in there Michael? At Mike Moran Wood. On Twitter? On Twitter. Not in the Instagram yet? Not in the Instagram yet. Maybe someday. I can't wait until you get in there. Oh, yeah? So you can ask me questions about it.

For several years. How do I put a filter on it? How do I poke people? Who's in my top eight? Help me out here. I can't find Tom. Joshua? Can't find him.

Is he okay? Where's Tom? Digressionsessions.com slash calendar for all upcoming dates. We're on iTunes and Stitcher. Write us a review. We really appreciate it. We've been getting some in. Yeah.

And it's awesome to see those, the five-star reviews and that people actually dig the show. Yep. So, yeah. Thank you guys for listening. Check out the rest of the Thunder Grunt Network at thundergrunt.com. A lot of good podcasts happening there. Yeah, thanks to everybody for listening.

Thanks, everybody. Oh, actually, Amanda, my girlfriend, just got into the podcast. Yeah, yeah. So if you go to soundcloud.com slash more than a number, that is her inaugural... Inaugural?

Inaugural. Inaugural podcast. Inaugural. Inaugural podcast. slash more than a number uh that is her inaugural inaugural inaugural inaugural inaugural podcast uh racist race song to do asian accents uh hey i didn't say asian you did you were the racist that was that was a jewish guy i didn't know if you know uh but yo soundcloud.com slash more than a number and uh yeah she she works for a program where she works with people in rehabilitation programs in jail that are trying to further their education and try to get back into society for nonviolent offenders. And she speaks to some of these people about their experience in jail and out of jail, what led them there and getting rehabilitated and sober and all that stuff. So it's really interesting. There's some dark stuff in there,

especially about the Baltimore police. But yeah, so check it out. It's pretty good. It's nice to have another podcaster in the family. I swear, if she outgrows me, I'm kidding. In the ratings, I mean. In the ratings, I'm kidding. So check that out. Thank you guys for listening and uh we'll be back bye Thank you. you