The Digression Sessions - Ep. 16 - Foxworthy Keytar Die Hards w/ John Bennett!

Episode Date: December 20, 2011

Hey now, Digheads! Welcome to ep 16 where Baltimore film maker, improviser, podcaster, and all around good guy (and so much more) John Bennet joins your favorite ear buds - Mike Moran and Josh Kuderna - for a hawt Dig Sesh! Various topics in this sesh include: Train, Lil Wayne, work lunches, Die Hard w/ keytars, Point Break the Musical!, Point Break as a gay treatise, Mr. MTV, Rocky, confirmations, Foxworthy jokes, Dan Lisle Roast, Ferris Buehler theories, baby talk, salad talk, and much much more! Check out John's podcast - The Chuckwagon Revival John's sketches - Strictly Platonic  @JohnBennettTwit [e-mail]

Now I have a machine gun. Pro, pro, pro. Checking. Mic. Microphone to check. Microphone to check. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your headphones aren't going to work at this point. They're not going to work at this point.

Alright. Alright. Did you wake up and say I'm going to be an unprofessional fuck today? I didn't use the word today. Oh. Oh? Oh. Oh. Yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh.

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Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. account. No, no, no. Hop aboard. Even if you got to get on the caboose. Full steam ahead to podcast land. This conductor is going wild. Please tell me we can play the train song at some point in this. What's the train song? That song from the 90s that was like, I thought you were talking about the band train What did they sing?

Oh fuck what was the terrible song It was like Tears of Jupiter or something Drops of Jupiter She sings like rain And she dances like fall He kept doing that What was the producer thinking When he kept going

He was probably like This is going to sell millions of copies and he was correct keep it going keep that uh weird trail off thing always bullshit though when they use the metaphors and songs that make absolutely no sense but they just act like they're artsy like yeah she walks like january it's like it doesn't mean anything little wayne is one i know it's it's pretty much just like train but little wayne is uh one of, I know it's pretty much just like Train, but Lil Wayne is one of the biggest culprits of that. He just smokes weed all day and drinks his Sizzurp, which is just cough syrup. One of his lyrics on the Carter 3 is like, what does he say?

He's like, I make so much money, I shower at the bank, it rain money. Or something like that. Like he makes it rain at the bank where he takes a shower so something like that and then the Carter three that's the one where he fights mr. T right yeah little Wayne killed fucking Apollo Apollo Creed it was just an exhibition all right Wow we're really good with our references, as I've learned lately. Like, we're on fire with our references. Yeah.

You know? Uh-huh. It's almost like we should. Like, what was it they said in the movie Wall Street? Luke, I am your father. That's not a stock. This is a stock. Stock.

That's not a corn stalk. That's a stalk. That was children of the corn. Michael Douglas in Children of the Corn. So Mike Moran, how the hell are you? I am well. I am very well. Can't complain.

Got a little ill this week. Yeah? Yeah, you're Got a little ill this week. You're also a little sick too, right? It was mainly just my communication. It was pretty ill communication. That was a Hanson album, I'm pretty sure. Marilyn Hanson. Those guys, those chicks are hot.

They were. Those hot chicks. Other than that, just sick, but you're doing pretty good Yeah, I'm doing well, can't complain Things are going well Cool, what about you, Josh? I had a good work week, things are going good You know, got a lot going on But my team leader

Took us all out for lunch today And then at lunch he said, hey, it's on me Wow Wow, that's nice Did you protest? No, no, it's on me. Wow. I said, oh, wow. That's nice. And did you protest? No, no, no. Give me the bill, waiter. Don't give him the bill. I'll get next time.

Flip the table. No! I'm paying for this fucking meal. Jesus Christ! We should do a sketch like that. No, no. Allow me. Just punch me in the face. I also emceed the Yankee swap at my office. Nice.

Non-denominational holiday party. Awesome. Did you get that gig because of your status as local comedian, Josh Goderna? No. Basically, I was on the holiday planning committee, and they had a meeting that I couldn't go to. Do your coworkers know that you're a mini-celebrity? Are they like, oh, we got Josh over here. Tell us the joke.

Uh-huh. No, none of that. None of that. They're just like, you do improv? He's like Bobcat Goldstrand. I told you about that, how my boss was like, you play guitar? Yeah. He's like, is that it?

I was like, well, I play drums and bass. He's like, well, why are you here? You should be on MTV. That's all it takes. That is a great idea. I should. Get me Mark Curie on the phone post-haste. Hello, Mr. MTV.

This is Josh Katera. I'm pretty mediocre at guitar and drums, and I could fool around on the bass a little. Oh, the plane's outside? All right, thanks. I'll meet you in... Josh is being modest. He's actually exceptionally good at music. Ah, the plane's outside? Alright, thanks. I'll meet you in... Josh is being modest. He's actually exceptionally good at music. Ah, no, no.

But I learned at the MC... MCing the Yankee Swap, which is basically Secret Santa, but you can steal gifts from other people or swap them. I learned that my co-workers would kill their own mothers to get a bottle of wine,

basically. Wow. It was just a bunch of women that were, like, gunning for Shiraz or whatever types of wine. They're just like, ooh, is the white wine still available? And they'd go and, like, take the bottle from somebody, and they'd have this look where they're trying to smile, but they're just like... And does your office insurance cover 28-day stays? What's that?

Does your office insurance cover rehab? No, I don't think so. It should. Yeah. No, I don't think so. I think that's the only time there's really wine around. We didn't drink it at the party, but... Yeah, it got pretty intense.

You could just see the looks on their faces. I'm gonna get that bottle of wine. You fucking bitch. There's a limit too, so none of these bottles are more than $10. I'm gonna get that fucking vino. But yeah, it was good. I made it fun as the MC.

I just said, hey, so-and-so, come on down. That's all I want. Like Bob Barker? Who? Bob Barker. I know my dog is barking, but what? Like who? Never mind. The kids today,

all they know is Drew Carey. Who? Yeah, that is one thing when you mention improv. They're just like, oh, whose line is it anyway? I'm like, yeah. Well, at least that's an easy, like, go-to. You know, you can just be like, it's like, whose line is it anyway? Like, you don't have to be like, you know, well, I kind of would.

You know, like when people ask me about stand-up or, like, what kind of music do you play? Or, like, it's like, I don't fucking know. It's fucking really funny. Please not talk about this. It's great. That's all you need to know. It's fucking really funny. Can we please not talk about this? It's great. I feel it. That's all you need to know. Exactly.

Speaking of good. Tell your dog to shut up, please. My dog has great manners. And we got a good guest this week. He's a self-proclaimed dickhead. Munza. My dog. Munza.

Is this a bad time to let you know that I filled my pockets with milk bones? Oh. Just hand over the milk bones. I'm just a really extreme couponer, and I don't really need the stuff. I just buy it. These deals, I can't avoid them. I actually made $50. I have no idea how.

Really? Yeah. Wow. Whole house is filled with maple syrup. Just bottles. Mike Moran, would you introduce our guests? Absolutely. I'm going to...

Today on the Big Sesh. Occupy my dog. We've got a revolutionary over there. Yes. John Bennett. I was trying to think of a funny middle name. That was not successful. John Bennett. I was trying to think of a funny middle name that was not successful. Danger Bennett. I don't know.

How are you doing, Mike? Good. Good. How are you? I'm doing fine. Thanks for coming by. Yeah, yeah. How's your week been?

It's been fantastic. Got a lot of stuff done. Yeah. We got a regional bohemian coming up on Monday. This might be a good time to talk about regional bohemian coming up on Monday. Regional bohemian hour. We're going to have a few

comics that are still to be confirmed. We got some good stuff coming up. So they're not Catholic yet? They're not Catholic yet. None of them have been baptized. They are all going to die in nirvana. Well, I'm not really clear on the Catholic. Isn't it like being confirmed something?

You're like, they're not confirmed. You're not confirmed. You haven't reached God's inbox yet. Confirmed. That is a Catholic. Yes, sir. You've been starred on Google. We got you. Google Mail. That is a Catholic. Yes, sir. You've been starred on Google. We got you.

Google Mail. It is confirmed. Well, John Bennett, you are deep in the comedy game. The Baltimore comedy game. Deep in that shit. I guess so. I mean, I do one show. Oh, quit being humble.

Well, you do the show and you do videos. I do videos for Strictly Platonic. Strictly Platonic. i also have a podcast going no are there other podcasts wow there are other podcasts wow i guess we're trend centers i guess you guys inspired us we're the chuck wagon revival really when did it start uh that started uh before you guys but i've invented the time machine, so I went back. Yeah, that's how you got on this episode too, isn't it? I literally

talked you guys into it about three days ago, having used the time machine. It is a beautiful summer day as we record this right now. Do you think I've lost weight since then? Yes. Okay, good. You look really good. Thank you. Yeah. I feel like my posture's gotten better too. Yeah. As you crouch to feel like my posture's gotten better, too.

As you crouch to get that coffee. That's because you set the microphone down. Oh, yeah. It's just like you got fired from your job because your boss hates you. Everything is... I got fired from my job? O-E-E. This is the worst way to find out. Yeah, sorry.

So, John, you do funny stuff, huh? I do funny stuff, yeah. Oh, my God. What am I going to do? Sorry. No, continue, guys, please. Yeah, I do Choco-Agg Revival, which is a podcast available on iTunes. Let me grab the knife real quick away from me.

No reason. You can still have cake. Okay, all right, relax. Grabbing the knife. Doing some home surgery over there. Yeah. We do Chuckwag Revival. Available on iTunes.

Where is it available? iTunes. A what? Yeah, there's a whole music site. iTunes. Yeah. Not familiar. Yeah, I know.

The primary format is Zoom. We all know this. Yes. Everybody's got Zoom. Okay, yeah. There's an up-and-comer coming up that's really going to rock the mic. That's iTunes. I don't know if it's going to last in the Zoom market, but we'll see. Yeah, it sounds a little presumptuous because it's iTunes.

Right. Wouldn't it be MeTunes? That's stupid. That's not going to work. Or WeTunes. Right. Share with your friends. Anyway, that's what this Nike show is. There's no I in music. Or WeTunes. Right. Share with your friends. Anyway, that's what this Nike show is.

There's no I in music. No. In podcast. Anyways. There is an I in music. It's between the S and the C. I meant philosophically. Okay.

Not meant to be an actual or a factual statement. And, yeah, I have other things going on. Prove it. Prove it. Right now. Regional Bohemian Hour. What is that? Explain it for the digheads out there that might not know.

The Regional Bohemian Hour is a blend of improv, comedy, and sketch. It's a smoothie? Is this what you're talking about? Yeah. I have an improv troupe that comes out and bores the audience for 12 minutes. Oh, wow. I hope this improv troupe that comes out and bores the audience for 12 minutes.

Oh, wow. I hope this improv troupe isn't listening. Yeah. No, no. We do okay. I mean, it seems like when we start, we start really early because it's only an hour show. Right. Uh-huh.

And when we get started, everybody's just sitting down with their first drink. Not easy to mix the improv and the stand-up, I've noticed. Yeah. And not easy to do improv in bar the stand-up yeah yeah and not easy to do improv in like bar settings it's like rock and wrestling it just doesn't work right yeah hulk hogan made it work yeah well actually roddy piper made it work really he has an album wow that's right macho man randy savage made it work but he did more on a hip-hop album yeah yeah yeah he had lightning pants well did he really he did was his album. He had lightning pants. Did he really? He did.

Was his album called Ride the Lightning Pants? I think so. Yeah. I think it was called, what was it called? He had the Be a Man Hulk song. What was the album? The actual album called? Yeah, what was it called?

Now without a frantic phone Google search. I'm not going to help you out. For a second, I thought you were actually naming the album. A frantic phone Google search. Before'm not going to help you out. For a second, I thought you were actually naming the album. Frantic for Google Search. Before Google was around. I remember actually seeing commercials on TV for that CD. Internet searches! That would be a great name

for an album, because if you go Frantic Google Search, if you were texting somebody, they would be like, wait a minute, are you searching? Or is that the name of the album? It's like the who's on first for the digital age. You know what I think would be a great name for an album? Greatest Hits. That's a little presumptuous.

Yeah. I think it should be like volume three, though. You got to add something to it. Double live plus one. Wasn't there like an 80s band that released one album, and then they had a Greatest Hits that was basically that album? I think most bands that have had one album have found some way to to have like a greatest hits compilation right usually like including outtakes or like remixes

they have that target definitive collection you know yeah they have like this weird is it like mariah carey they do this like remastered like They literally pulled it off a cassette tape and recorded it. Mariah Carey, like you've never heard her before. Yeah. Well, maybe you've heard it similar. It's just a little more revered. Yeah, it's always bullshit with the remasters. It sounds exactly the same.

It's like an engineer took one level on a board and went, there we go. There it is. Or the demos, when they put the demos on CDs. Yeah. Thanks for the garbage. Isn't put the demos on CDs. Yeah. Wow, thanks for the garbage. Isn't this what you threw out? Yeah. It's like when they find new stuff from Nirvana.

That bothers me a lot for some reason. But that was kind of surprising when all of a sudden there was a brand new Nirvana song that was an actual song. Remember that a few years ago? I was like, what the hell? Maybe because his friends thought it was inappropriate. Yeah. They were like, maybe we should release this. What about when they released his diary?

Do you remember that? That was a kick in the... Courtney Love sold his diary as a book. It's like, wow. You have no soul. Jesus Christ. They photographed Courtney Love's house today, and she had a vision board. You know what a vision board...

Is that like secret type stuff? Where you write all your dreams hopes aspirations on like one single board and one of them was like Oscar 2013 question mark who is Oscar and why does she want to get this picture Oscar the Grouch. I want to play Oscar the Grouch on Sesame Street someday. Just furiously masturbating. Not far off for her to be hanging out in a trash can and berating people. I could see them smoking a cigarette together. Kind of a Sid and Nancy relationship in a trash can. Courtney and Oscar.

There's some sort of heroin epidemic on Sesame Street. This is fucked up. Big Bird's really skinny. It's kind of weird. Hey, Bird. Count would be the drug dealer. It's a different show when you think Big Bird was a drug hallucination. No, Snuffleupagus was. Oh, Snuffleupagus was? and you think Big Bird was a drug hallucination the entire time. No.

No, Snuffleupagus was. Oh, Snuffleupagus was? Yeah. Which one was the imagined one? Snuffleupagus. The kids saw the Big Bird, yeah. Are you old enough to remember that, when he was just a hallucination? Yeah, I remember that.

Wait, I thought you were just fucking around. One of them was a hallucination. Yeah, I feel like we talked about this on a dig sesh once now. Possibly. I don't know. You tell us, John. Yeah, you tell us. No, you guys, I don't remember you guys getting into the Snuffleupagus minutia. Snuffleupagus was originally intended as a figment of Big Bird's imagination, right?

He was, yeah. And then suddenly he was seen one day. Right. And do you know the reason behind that? I read on Wikipedia that it was because... Snuffleupagus wanted more money. He got an offer to join the Muppets. He said, we've got to lock this guy.

He was arrested. Yes, they are. Those two universes are one? Yeah, it's like She-Ra and He-Man. John, is this true? Yes, it is. In fact, one Muppet special combined the Sesame Street cast, the Muppet cast, and Fraggle Rock.

Really? Weird. I didn't know Fraggle Rock was part of that one. Fraggle Rock was part of this one. It was one of the modern ones when they were in the 90s and nobody cared. Oh, really? So they had to bring it all out? Yeah, they were like, see, remember us, please?

Well, okay. We introduced a new Muppet named Test Marketing. Don't you remember Kermit would be on Sesame Street and stuff? No, I don't remember that at all. He was all the time. He was a news reporter. Oh, yeah. No, I don't remember that.

But anyway, there's a bunch of high-profile child molestation cases in the news, and they didn't want kids to think that the whole thing with Snuffleupagus was that the parents didn't believe Big Bird that he existed and they didn't want kids to think that parents wouldn't believe them if they told them something. Oh.

If you were molested by an enormous woolly mammoth you'd want to have the courage to tell your parents. A woolly mammoth. You'd want to have the courage to tell your parents. Picturing a woolly mammoth in the closet being like, shh. He doesn't have tusks. He's not a woolly mammoth. He said woolly mammoth.

Stop making noise, bird. Come on, bird. Tell anyone. So with your podcast, John, do you guys mostly talk about movies? And the couple that I listen to in the future, there was a lot of movie talk. Yeah, there was. Films.

We actually take a film from Netflix InstaQ. And usually it's gotten to the point where we just pick films that enrage another member of the podcast. Yeah, the one that I listened to extensively was the Star Trek episode. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, that's the one that got all the hits.

You guys were a big fan of those flares, solar flares. Spielberg is a huge... J.J. Abrams is like Spielberg-like. He does a lot of Spielberg stuff. What are lens flares exactly? Lens flares is when you point a camera

at a light source and all of a sudden it just blinks out everything like you got hit with a flashbang or something. Like in Jurassic Park when they open up the things holding the DNA. It's so bright and it just blanks out everything on the screen.

And there's another thing, he does Spielberg face a lot which is Spielberg faces, if you take a bright light and you point it at somebody. Spielberg's about to come. I really think this is the face he makes when he cums. Because, yeah, it's all like awe and it's staring off into the distance. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I guess there's a lot of that.

Mouth kind of open. Like Tom Hanks in Saving Private Ryan when he's just like, what the fuck? Or Elliot with the glowing finger. Uh-huh. That could be it. Or Jacob when he sees the Amistad. Oh, man. I've never seen that movie.

I don't know what it's in. When John Adams looks at the Amistad. Hell, he's so many blacks. I do declare that vessel's full of Negroes. One of them speaks English. He can.

A Negro and a witch. I think I have a court case on my hands. Your dog looks like the shark in Jaws when he's chewing on the air tank and his face is up in the boat. I'm hoping her face explodes at this point. I kind of want to say a smile, you son of a bitch. Daughter.

Can I make a confession, guys? I've never seen Jaws. I think I might have brought it up before. What? That's why you want to have a Jaws party? Yeah, I've never seen Jaws. That's just stupid. That's a weird way to program parties.

It's like a shortcoming of mine. We're all going to have a forgive my parents party. Would you guys like a premature ejaculation party? You guys want to come to my eye contact party? It's going to be really cool. Oopsie daisy. It's going to be really fun, I swear. Yeah.

Well, Mike, that was just going to be a private thing for you and I, but never mind. Oh, jeez. Now the big heads will be tearing down the door. I tell you. Well, I will be watching Human Centipede 2 tonight, though. Really? If you'll recall, I'll be bet. I've seen Human Centipede 1.

I hear this movie makes that movie look like snuffleupagus snuff snuff porn i'm a little i'm a little weirded out by just the fact that they made a second one because the first one is like egregiously awful yeah i think this i think with this one they tried to make it much worse. I think he kills a baby. I think he steps on a baby. There's apparently everything. In addition to that, they show everything that they implied in the first film. Right.

I heard that was the major gripe with the first one. It was gory enough. You don't get to see it. Yeah, the review I heard of the first one, they were all shocked by how tame it actually was. Apparently not John Bennett, though. Well, the thing is, the director of the movie has some sort of weird porn name, like he was a character in 8mm. His name is like Max Amazing or something. Right.

Or Thick Long Shirt. Yeah, Ted Long Dong. Isn't the star named something really weird? Yeah, he's an insane German actor too he's literally insane really house like Klaus Kinski insane yeah he was really I heard he was like the only good part of the movie yeah cuz he's so intense he's like even even when he's trying not to be creepy he's creepy right right you like a glass of water and I heard the the lead in this second

one is actually decent, too. Really? And the only good thing about the film. I don't know why they filmed it in the UK. It was like, is it cheaper? Yeah. Why did they do that? I don't know.

Because the first one's weird. He loves his dog. The plot is he loves his dog. He loved his dogs. And he created some sort of way to keep them alive forever. and instead they all died because apparently you can't eat shit. What? Yeah, relevation. And he's a doctor, too.

What is happening? Why won't they stay alive? Montel, you keep that up, and you're going to be part of a triple dog. I'm going to put your fucking face on an ass, too. You're going to be the middle dog. The worst part about the human centipede one is there's a trucker in the beginning who's just like pooping on the side of the highway. What? He just, yeah, he can't stop.

He had to go. Well, yeah, I guess it happens. So he shoots him with a tranquilizer dart and kidnaps him. And then he kidnaps three other teenagers, which end up being the human centipede. There's three people. And he ends up killing the trucker because he was too big. Like his ass was like too far up or something and he couldn't line up. I guess that makes sense.

I'm glad that they took care to go with technical details like that to acknowledge them, you know. Yeah, like he could have saved himself so much trouble if he just kept one of those IKEA measuring tapes. Okay. I know. Like Buffalo Bill. Oh, bill oh yeah yeah ask the people first yeah are you a big fat girl and a half feet off the ground there'll be with your couch do they make any trip do they make any triple dog derriere jokes? Oh, absolutely. No, no.

First off, the only person that's allowed to talk is an Asian guy. They put that Asian guy who's yelling in Japanese the entire movie. And then they take the two talkative women characters and just put them like ass to mouth. So they're just going. So it's a really entertaining movie. It's just a German guy yelling at a pseudo-dog that's yelling at him in Japanese. I wonder if those chicks told their parents. Just like, Mom, Dad, I got a movie role.

They're like, oh, what is it? She's like, ah, it's this thing. You don't want to. I swear, in the review of the second one that I heard on Now Playing, they said one of the female stars actually showed up to the preview. Because one of the guys is, like, an L.A. critic, and he has, like, access to – and with her mom and grandmother. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah. That was good, honey. That was very good. The way you ate shit like that. Look at you when you when you played uh when you played one of the ghosts in the christmas carol in fourth grade my little girl's all grown up but you gotta admit you know a lot of people come to a lot of shitty premieres

really i don't know do they yeah like you know bobcat goldwain is like a hot to trot going yeah awesome i brought my whole family, like 15 free tickets. Yeah, I have heard about that. Like he brings his daughter to shit and she's like 11 years old. There's bestiality in his movie and stuff. My dad has forced us to watch Heaven Almighty several times. Oh, man. Because he sent it briefly.

What part? He's very visible in the first few minutes. There's like some sort of montage. Your dad is Morgan Freeman. Steve Carell. Where Steve Carell is running for office or something. Yeah. And he's in that.

And then he's seen briefly at the end running onto the Ark. Is he the human that populates the world afterwards? It's like, well, it's just you and I. He's on the back of the box wearing a leaf. Yeah. He's just injecting himself with that Jurassic Park amber so he can switch. Don O'Dean-y.

Clever girl. A little bit of frog. Hold on to your butts. Clever girl. Well, let's take a break Wow, John Bennett, did you hear that? That was a digression session dancer I'm actually impressed

I felt like I was in a Sega Make Your Own Music video With Chris Cross Yeah One of the least selling games ever Yeah It was like Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch to Sega, make your own music video. With Chris Cross. Isn't that like one of the least selling games ever? It was like Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch and like C&C Music Factory.

Did you actually play it? How did that work? First off, it's like working a controller that's written in Korean. You have no idea how it works. It's just like buttons and you don't know how it scores either. It's really hard to figure out. How do you make a video on a like a Sega Genesis like it just takes like little clips it's like like three second clips of a guy walking with tennis shoes and

then like a lightning bolt something else so there's just a whole variety of little times yeah it's like making a gif it's like making a minute long gif are there is there like a thousand boring shoes Yeah, there's tons and tons of yeah Because it still sounds really for range of the CDs Yeah Right I want to do an inner like an interactive CD history because I remember those so hard those CD-ROM games that were insane They're just written like lunatic super shark yeah and there was jack

the ripper with christopher walken no way really yeah yeah wow was that for like sega cd or was that like a computer game that was that was a computer game like most of them were like cd rock now did he speak did he just oh yeah yeah really and he was supposed to be like a british detective did he do a british accent absolutely not. No, of course not. A whore has been killed. There's a dead girl. This girl's dead. Oh, my God.

Press A. And then he danced. Did he dance like wearing an old-timey hat? Press the space bar. Please, press the space bar to continue. Yeah, that's funny. So were you a fan of these games in the 90s absolutely and i i didn't have a it was like they were so expensive to buy like i would always go to like kids houses that had them they were awful games they're really awful yeah i feel like that genre

never really took off yeah like they were supposed to be like the new movies like that was the movie right right experience it was gonna change it was gonna be like has there ever been a video game There were supposed to be the new movies. That was the movie experience. It was going to change. Has there ever been a video game that really had a good story and a good plot? Any game? Yeah. I've never heard of a video game where people love it because of the story. A lot of Final Fantasy fans out there. I was never a fan of the RPG role-playing game.

What the hell, man? Where you would just type in a code and then your guy would go fight someone. fans out there i was never a fan of the rpg role play yeah what the hell man where you just like like type in a code and then your guy would go like yeah well that was the thing that bothered me in the fight you'd have to wait for the other guy to hit you back it's like oh i did my thing that is now you just stand there thinking that was the lamest thing i'd ever see selecting from a list of options yeah exactly should i potion this guy yeah it was like a west side story thing where they're just like shaking back and forth like waiting for the other guy to do their thing like might as well be snapping but i remember being really excited for final fantasy 7 when i heard

it was three discs for playstation like holy shit i mean that's a lot of fucking game right and when i played it i was like this is a lot of fucking boring game like it was terrible never once played a Final Fantasy game I like the Resident Evil stories I guess they're kind of lame now when you think about it just like zombie stories those were movies too yeah no realistic Raccoon City what that's the name of the city yeah why is it called Raccoon City? I have no idea. There's no... Just call it Raccoon City. And it's like a big city? Yeah, it's supposed to be like a major city in this universe. That's stupid.

And it's called the Umbrella Corporation, which is really like... They fucked up everything. You're not hiding that you're evil if your name is the Umbrella Corporation. Eveco. Yeah. Yeah, but other than that, I don't know. I haven't played video games in a long time. I remember Shut Up and Jam 2 had a pretty good storyline.

We had to shut up and eventually you could jam. Based on a lot of my friends on Facebook, Skyrim apparently is the greatest story ever told. Yeah, people beat off the Skyrim. Skyrim is like, apparently it's like Dungeons and Dragons, but it's like you're half dragon and you go around and you live in this world. There must be a Dungeons and Dragons online world. Wasn't there a PlayStation game called Drago or something?

I don't know. They tried it. Drago, the spinoff from Rocky. The Russian dragon. Yeah. The Drago game. You know there actually was at one point a... There was at one point plans for a Draco movie. Draco? Draco, yeah.

Draco. Draco. Such Eastern promises. Oh! Yeah, John, you got it. He just has a shiny, shiny chest. That's all he's got to offer you. I know, I know.

Because he can't even beat up a diminutive Italian, aged 40-year-old boxer. Well, Sylvester Stallone ran up an entire mountain in like two minutes. Yeah, that was amazing. I don't think I remember that scene. He runs up a mountain. He's like, Drago! I don't think he yelled Drago.

What's more impressive is he grew a beard within four days. Yeah, really. Yeah, he must be Italian. Seriously, do you question your trainer? First off, his trainer was Apollo Creed's trainer. So he killed Apollo Creed, essentially. Gave him the wrong tactics. It was just an exhibition, though, to be fair.

So he goes to Russia, and it's like, train in this shitty bar. Just lift this oxen cart with all of us sitting in it. So it looks impressive. I'm pretty sure that's what boxers do to this day. They just go out to barns. What is he going to do if he blows a rotator cuff while trying to lift an oxen cart? It's like, can we postpone the match? Can we just stop this match?

We can't. I don't know. He's super tired during the match because he had to milk goats at four in the morning and stuff. I noticed the training montage in that one was so long that it has an intermission. Yeah. And the emotional montage that came before it actually contained pieces of film that were from ten minutes ago in the same movie. Yeah, it was ten minutes ago and parts of Rocky. So he just cut out an entire section of movie that didn't have to.

He just says, I can't write this 10 minutes. I know scenes from other Rockies. I think they normally do that in the Rocky movies. They'll have the scenes from the previous ones. But they threw in scenes from the same movie that just happened it's such a like uh uh encapsulation of writer's block that entire scene because the song that's playing is no easy way out oh that's perfect and he's just it's a shitty scene because it's like one of those scenes where you put a car in a warehouse and you just shake it you put a light through it it looks like he's driving.

That was awesome. Yeah. He's trying to look super intense and pissed off. He's like, no easy way out. Didn't he get his trainer a robot in that movie, too? No, no. He got Uncle Polly a robot. Uncle Polly.

And it's a robot. It's not a toy. It's like an actual robot. It's like a servant, too, right? Yeah. And it's like robot. It's not a toy. It's like an actual robot. It's like a servant, too, right? Yeah. And it goes, hello, everyone. Like, it's a thinking android. It does stuff.

It actually does things. Yeah. It was like back in the 80s when all robots were just to serve you drinks. Yeah. Like, that was the entire, if it is for all robots. Like, Sylvester Stallone. He's right. He's like, that would be pretty sweet, right?

If you had a robot. Just Uncle Polly's entire character arc is to just illustrate how nobody, not everybody should be a millionaire. He requests the dumbest things in every Rocky movie.

Hey, buy me a snow cone machine. Like you live in the coldest part of Philadelphia. Why would you need a snow cone machine? Oh, like a snow cone. Oh, I'd like a snow cone. I'd like a snow cone. Oh.

Pauly. Yeah. Speaking of Pauly, break time. Break time. And we... All right. We have a stuck door. I just kind of jammed it right on the button. Button's stuck.

Hey, guys. We're back. All right. We are back. We are back. Got a little worried there. Oh, are you okay? Yeah. There's this elevator malfunction in the news. back. Alright, we are back. We are back. Got a little worried there. Oh, are you okay? Yeah, there's this elevator malfunction in the news.

No. Oh, really? That lady who got sucked into the elevator. Dude, she got split in half. Yeah, split in half. Like a Final Destination death. Did she die? Can you explain the story to our own Mike Moran here?

This woman, who's like a 40-year-old ad exec, like put her one foot in the door. The door shut and sucked her right up. And the thing that stopped the elevator wasn't the elevator itself. It was the fact that her body was ripping on the side. How much of this did she survive? She didn't. Did she die immediately?

She basically got torn in half. Wow. Literally. Because one leg just split like a chicken. Wow. Yeah. You'd think it would just tear her foot off and she'd be fine. And the sensitive New York Post was like, I think it was the Daily News or the Post,

was like, New Yorkers are afraid of elevators now. Like yourself. Who's reading this? You pussy. You think you had a bad Monday morning. Yeah. Guess this lady really couldn't get a leg up in the work world, huh? Next time, take the stairs. Good night, America.

This message brought to you by the Stair Council. Climb it! I guess you can say she's half the woman she used to be, huh? Oh, my God. Sorry. It's like the worst morning crew ever, like going over the news. Wow. In further news, young man commits suicide in family's bedroom.

Oh, boy. Guess he won't be taking the garbage out tonight, huh? No nightlight for him tonight, you know? Because he's dead. One less plate at that dinner table. Oh, yeah. Hey, pass me that extra bone of chicken. First dibs on the Xbox.

Because he's dead and he's not going to use it. He's dead. Moving on. John Bennett, tell us about yourself more. What's your sign? What's my sign? I'm an Aries. I knew it. You're on fire the whole time. Yeah, I'm a cardinal sign, if you will.

Oh, yeah? That's what they say. I'm also the sign of the monkey when we want to do Chinese New Year's. Oh, I'm a tiger. You're a tiger. Oh, I can't fuck you. I can't. You can't fuck me?

I can't fuck you. Why not? It says avoid tigers. I don't think that means the same as fuck. I can have sex with a dragon or a rat. Right, but I don't think avoid and fuck are the same thing. I thought that's what you're supposed to do with everything Chinese.

I'll try fucking someone and avoiding them at the same time. Everything in a Chinese restaurant, you're supposed to say in bed after it, right? So it all has a sexual connotation. Right. Avoid the tiger in bed. Yeah. Mine's cock. That's cock?

Yeah. Oh, man. Are you the cock? Yeah. Nice. Yeah, but what's your Chinese symbol? Yeah. Honor. Honor.

Tattoo on my lower arm. Got that in 99. Nice. I want to get a barbed wire tattoo, but the barbed wire would be made out of the Chinese symbol for strength. Just going around my arm. No, the Chinese symbol for barbed wire. That's what I want.

Going around my arm. I'll get the Chinese symbol for barbed wire. That's what I want. Going around my arm and barbed wire. I'll get the Chinese symbol for combination 14. I don't get it. Pork fried rice. Pork fried rice. Whatever it is. Yeah. Get a can of soda with that.

Yeah. Yeah. If you get the combo. Sure. Like, if you can read my arm, I'll just make it for you. Check it out. Yeah. What's my order? Let me flex. Check it out. What's my order?

Let me flex. Check it out. General Tso's. Give it some eyes. Wrapped around my shit. Would you really wrap General Tso's? Around my shit. Yeah.

I literally would. That's a weird way to make it look bigger. Make a little, like, Maybe for you. Like it's mountain peaks. Unless they're chunks of tofu or something. Well, I think the general would give it a nice

military esteem. If you hang them with strings, it would look like there's avatar islands floating around your penis. Avatar? Avatar. I don't make fun of your speech. Avatar. Everybody loved Avatar. I don't make fun of your speech in front of it.

Avatar. Everybody loved Avatar, right? It's like a redneck reviewing Avatar. I've seen that Avatar. I'd fuck that blue bitch. I like that average tar. What's wrong with tar? There ain't nothing wrong with tar. If you think avatar is mediocre, blacktop, you might be a redneck.

I was trying to think of a bit for Jeff Foxworthy. He's trying to be relevant and talk about internet memes. He came back. He's like, if you have a Facebook for your cat and it has more friends than you, you might be forever alone. Get a forever alone thing. It'd be funny if he has a son that's being groomed to be honest. Just picking up all the internet memes. You might be a Nyon cat if you have rainbows follow you everywhere.

Your bodies have Pop-Tart. Your bodies have pop tarts. You're flying around in space. If you think an emoticon is when somebody lies about how much they like you. Yeah. If you think meme is when someone's nasty to you, you might be a redneck. Now he's got to beat him with a switch, because that one wasn't Jeff Foxworthy.

Oh. Yeah. That wasn't too Foxworthy. Sorry, John. That's all right. No, I do the rim shots out of love. You know what's Foxworthy? The Cleveland show. That's all right. No, I do. I do the rim shots out of love. You know what's Foxworthy? The Cleveland show.

That's pretty Foxworthy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Definitely. Anything on Fox. They deemed it Foxworthy just by its existence. I missed that one. Yeah, I didn't get that for a little while.

I'm sorry. Until you said Cleveland show. Now I got it. That's okay. When you explain the joke writ large, that one day they won't finally come around. I liked it. I liked it.

So Dan, Lyle, DVD is what I'm looking at. Yeah. The Dan Lyle roast. Are you trying to cover up calling John Dan? Well, it says Dan Lyle roast. That was really good. And I wanted to ask you about the roast. I just wanted to say, if it says dan lyle really good and i wanted to ask you about i just wanted to say if it wasn't for the virtue of eye contact i would have been like really so mortimer yeah um go ahead joe you work in sales i think you said i work in sales

let's take a break okay Okay. Holy fuck. Jesus. Hey, we're back with my favorite John Bennett. Hey, John. Oh. Hi. As big that is sharpied on your arm. I'm a little upset by that. No, no, no.

I don't think John McClane wrote names larger than that on his forearm. Die Hard. What? Ho, ho, ho. Now I have a Korg keyboard. That's when they turn it into a musical. The Die Hard musical. Die Hard the musical.

Ho, ho, ho. Now I've got soul. And I'm not afraid to show it. John McClane has a keytar, and he's just running. He's like, ah! But he has a keytar taped to his back. Hearts! So many actors are injuring themselves because they duct taped the entire keytar to their back.

They have to tear it off in one motion. Many actors are injuring themselves because they duct taped the entire keytar to their back. Shoot the handbells. Can you imagine tearing a keytar? Covered in duct tape. The best part about taping it to your back is you can see it from the side. You're not even hiding it. It's like sticking out over your back. Shoot the percussive plastic eggs.

Don't worry. Julie Campbell will figure it out. She'll figure it out. Yeah. Yeah. It's enormous. I think we should work on this. And the whole time the limo driver is listening to sounds of violence in the limo. People killing each other.

We've replaced Agent Johnson with Agent Johnson with a spider goddess. I like this, guys. We should do Die Hard the musical. I think this would be good. That would be a really good musical. Why break the musical in LA? No, really? Really?

Yeah, and it's still running, too. Is it supposed to be tongue in cheek? Yeah, it's hysterical. It's just like a stage play of every line from Point Break. That's awesome. I hear it's pretty accurate, too. Point Break is one of the most underrated comedies, I think, of all time. It's a bigger treatise on homosexuality than Top Gun.

Really? I can prove it, too. All right. Because, okay, Bodhi. Prove it or improve it? Improve it. Let's take a break. I'm just saying.

All right. So here's the proof. You've had time to put your documents together. He's in the FBI. And the first speech in the movie is just like, you've got to wear a suit. You've got to come in at 8 o'clock. You've got to not drink, not smoke.

You've got to be gay. He's got to be straight. He's got to be straight. Straight, straight, straight. That got to be gay. What? He's got to be straight. He's got to be straight. Straight, straight, straight. That's what the FBI is telling him. And then he meets a guy. Ooh. And then he meets Gary Busey.

No, I'm serious. Then he meets Gary Busey, right? And then he gets introduced into the beach culture, right? That's all these guys are a little more loosey-goosey. Sure. Like they're Rob Banks. And, like, you can tell as soon as the first scene that he has such, like, he's like, man, I feel this chemistry with Patrick Swayze. Well, let me stop you right there.

What is robbing banks a metaphor for? Robbing banks is the sexual abandon of the 70s. Oh. The excess. Okay. The excess. The bathhouse culture. How is that Robin Banks?

That's exactly like Robin Banks. Okay. Is that Lil Wade we got over there? Listen, it's like one, two, Robin Banks. You're talking about Robin Banks, the 70s gay icon, right? Look, I have a phone book treatise here. I'm only up to page 273.

I know. You have the PowerPoint behind you. But seriously, the climax of the movie is, okay, Patrick Swayze jumps out of a plane with a parachute, and Keanu Reeves has to choose between staying in there without a parachute and not going with him you know so he jumps out of the plane jumps on his back and essentially has protected sex i i swear to god you watch the scene again it's like wait a minute he just jumps on a boatie i think is a boatie's

back and they just basically have this, like, wrestle fest. And then they just, like, when they come up at the end, when they're on the ground, it's like they just finished having sex. They're both smoking cigarettes somehow. Yeah. As they fall to earth. Yeah.

And Laurie Petty is extremely mannish in the movie. It's like, wait a minute, hold on. I'm not convinced. What did you say? No, I see it too. And then when he wants to kill Bodhi, he doesn't do it. He just... He doesn't go, I'm going to be straight.

Right. He's going to be like, I want to go with you. I'm sexually frustrated. Ga, ga, ga, ga, ga. Yeah. Yeah. That's one of the best scenes too. When he's just...

It's Keanu Reeves shooting a gun in the air on his back on the ground. He's like, Keanu Reeves is such a bad actor. It's such a different movie when you watch it from that perspective. It's like when you watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off and you think it's all in Cameron's head. That's a theory that

Cameron is dreaming all of this. Ferris doesn't even exist. And when Cameron kills himself in the pool, the rest of the movie is his last thoughts. He really does kill himself in the pool. Has that been confirmed at all? It's just a theory. John Hughes is like,

no, that's not the movie I wrote. The movie is not Catholic. Would he do that type of thing? Was he known to... What, Cameron? Yeah. Well, if you notice, nobody talks to. I guess some people don't talk directly to Ferris.

They talk to Cameron. There's a lot of little things that happen where you can go, well, this is a different movie. That was really strange how that movie changed tone so drastically when it got into Cameron's misery. Yeah, because his two fantasies consummated, and now he's upset because they don't need him anymore. I'm going to research that a little bit. There's some other movies that have been accused of being thinly veiled homosexual rocks.

Top Gun. Top Gun. Batman and Robin. It's not very thin. It's pretty thick. Pretty thick. That volleyball scene. Batman and Robin. It's not very thin. It's pretty thick. Pretty thick. Batman and Robin. I think it's actually finally been confirmed that A Nightmare on Elm Street 2

was intentionally made as a metaphor for homosexual... They just cut out all the sex for the European markets. It was just a wall-to-wall hardcore gay sex. And they were like, you need to reshoot this.

It actually started as gay porn. Yeah. You know, there's so many, like, parody pornos out now. Yeah. It's like the latest trend, I guess, to get people to rent TV. There's even, like, Golden Girls. Nuh-uh. Yeah.

Ooh, let's watch it. Are the women old in it? No, they're not old. I think it's just chicks that wear gray wigs and stuff. That. Yeah. Ooh, let's watch it. Are the women old in it? No, they're not old. I think it's just chicks that wear gray wigs. Right. That's stupid. But it's just like, it's really weird, like, what they're doing now. Because I never was like, you know, my penis needs a theme.

My sexuality isn't like a row in Party City. Speak for yourself. Ooh, Spider-Man. Yeah. I like nostalgia when I beat off you really do? yeah I love it I have my yearbook open

and I fucking watch a Star Trek porn there has to be I mean there is something to I mean you know when I watched Full House

I definitely had fantasies that there would be an episode where you know we saw Uncle Jesse doing it with Comet the dog or something like that

right? no we just hit confession time yeah no I was just Jesse doing it with Comet, the dog, or something like that, right? No. We just hit confession time. Yeah. No, I was just kidding. I wanted to see Dave Coulier, but no, Uncle Jesse, he was too cool to have sex with a dog. Right. I don't.

Well, seriously, though. He was a confirmed bachelor. That doesn't mean anything, right? No. No. That's totally normal to be confirmed bachelor. That doesn't mean anything, right? No. No. That's totally normal to be a confirmed bachelor. Did he ever date anyone on that show? No.

Nobody can date someone who does a Popeye impression right off the bat like that. That's a case of the bad dates right there. Yeah. The bad dates. Within five minutes of sitting down at Ruby Tuesdays, you'd be like, oh. That's something I'm going to have to gloss over when we talk about our kids. I'm not going to tell how we met when you greeted me as Popeye. It's like, cut it out.

Cut it out. This is out of control. Let's all take a sip of our beverages. Coffee. Is that coffee you're drinking? Yep. Oh, I thought it was just brown water. Rich roast.

Uh-huh. Steeping with flavor. Yeah. That's a... It starts off kind of spicy. Uh-huh. And rolls to the back of the tongue with a bold, robust smokiness. Are you talking about John Bennett or the coffee?

The John Bennett coffee. The John Bennett coffee. John Bennett house coffee. I actually rolled into some beans and I gave you guys a bag. Rolled into town. That was in one of your videos, right? One of your sketches. Oh, me rolling into an entire box

No, no, I was half dude How did you see that video? I was showering with another man Somebody's penis was in one though, right? Yeah, we had a penis shot Whose penis was it? That was Dixie's penis Who?

Dixie is like this crazy dude that we know Who shoots videos for Maryland Post Pavilion And 930 Club, heavilion and 930 Club. He works at 930 Club. And he does these videos, and they're insane. He'll do anything you ask him to. He's really, really a game performer, I have to say. Yeah, he had his dick in a goddamn sketch for the Internet.

He's just like, well, I'm never going to be a senator. For sure. Yeah, I might be in the House of Representatives, but not a senator. Yeah. What's up, Paul? So I want to hear more about this podcast of yours. Oh, the Chalk Wagon? So you watch movies.

We watch movies together, and we're just old friends from high school. So we're just incredibly, incredibly just like we're always one-upping each other and trying to be and it's very confrontational sometimes but it's a very funny podcast because it's just like old friends riffing like the whole point of it was to be like to to re uh to basically relive these 3 a.m diner conversations you might have right Right. Yeah. Right. So that was kind of the. That's cool. Yeah. Do you ever have guests?

Yes, we do. Really? Can I be on it sometime? Absolutely. Awesome. Do you have Skype? We recorded all on Skype, which is bizarre. No, I barely have a computer. I just bought my first laptop recently.

Yeah. Well, I think we can do something there, though. I just got on MySpace last week. Oh, really? Holy God. I'm still getting my sign from that. Did you get my Prodigy email? I got you.

I invited you to Prodigy. Prodigy chat. Oh, man. I invited you to ICQ. Do you remember that? I do remember ICQ. Kazam? Yeah, Kazam.

Did you get my free Napster trial? Did you get my free Napster trial? Does Napster still exist? No, it's gone now. But they tried to be, after they were shut down, they tried to be legitimate. Yeah, right. Like the Godfather. But it didn't happen

like everybody's exactly like that napster had to kill his brother and god kazam do you remember that short window kazam you guys remember that short window when napster was out and then you could get anything and then the stuff you were recording was like retarded like or you would you would have so much like you so many options by the time you burned everything you liked you started burning things you kind of like and then yeah yeah like i had the japanese koto drums for like an entire cd that was just japanese koto drums it was ridiculous yeah i was just like oh i like this i like to hear the first 10 minutes of rising sun over and over again like a japanese beer commercial just over and over again

it's like i'm not gonna ninja train anytime soon accidental break it's like they're really smarter than me. That's better than talking to babies like, what's up? What's up? Yeah, because they embarrass adults. If it really essentially means they don't know what you're saying, then why don't you talk to them? Yeah. It's not like it's going to do anything. And, I mean, best case scenario, what if you're saying sinks in?

Like, you don't want what you're saying to form their ideas. Just like, oh, I'm an idiot. You don't want to give rhetorical questions that will have to do with later. Like, oh, what's the riddle of steel? Why are you alive? Why do we exist? Why do we exist? Why don't bad things happen to good people? Why do they happen?

Should the model of city building be sustainability? Solar power? Accidental break. And we're back, guys. Is this the end of the 800-mile Caesar salad that they always talk about? That's the model of sustainability they always talk about. If you took a Caesar salad, like all the ingredients to make a Caesar salad, in certain places it would take – Are you talking anchovies as well?

Yeah, everything. Anchovies. I like it without anchovies. All the ingredients. Me too, yeah. You'd have to ship them 800 miles with all the trucks and everything to get the ingredients. So the end of the gas arrow will mean you don't have the 800 mile caesar salad you won't eat caesar salad

not really fantasies or salad though yeah because they suck i like caesar salad but not can i mean can we do it without anchovies is what i'm asking you really yeah that's what makes it a caesar salad though right i would say caesar dressing does yeah well yeah, but Caesar dressing is traditionally made out of anchovies. Call it whatever you want. I like the damn thing without the anchovies. Welcome to Salad Talk. We're tossing up a good conversation here. Today's issue of Crew Talks.

Mike is taking a heroic stance against lettuce salads. Iceberg. I don't care for it. Your take. We do all salad-based comedy. We have a caller talking about Cobb. I like bacon, but really, do we

need... I mean, there's too much bacon on the salad. Call me a traditionalist, but I think this chef can put whatever the hell he wants in the salad. Ham, cheese, bologna, I don't care. As long as the price is right. Why is there Jell-O in that thing? Why do they put Jell-O in the bar?

That's confusing. Pudding. Yeah. Pudding. What's that? Jesus Christ. The dog wants to eat all of us I know

She's too excited I'm sorry dickheads Should we take a break and then wrap this thing up? Yeah sure Yes let's All night that's why I'm wearing my rave gear I was wondering why you're wearing Nine different lollipops lollipop necklaces

You've been tossing around that fictional ball of color How come all of your jewelry is edible? That's insane What if we did rave improv? You've been sweating all night It's disgusting Can I have another glass of water, please? Rave improv, your jacket's so big You can't tell what kind of gestures you're making at all.

Everybody's just massaging each other. Just fall on the ground. It's really hard to see. There's only one black light on. Is this the Chemical Brothers or the Dust Brothers? Let's get this dude. Can we turn up the crystal method, please? Could we have a word from the audience playing at four-fourths of a time?

Over and over again, over our team. 160 BPM, please. Please. All right. Well, welcome to the wrap-up where we up the rap of the show. The rap-up. The per-rapper rap. The rap-up, sponsored by Reynolds Wrap. If you're going to wrap it, wrap it in foil.

The official... Wrap it, wrap it in foil. The official propylactic of Iron Man. Brought to you by Reynolds Wrap. We should have, like, a concluding little little segment like Jerry Springer's final thought. Just by ourselves where we just talk a bunch of shit about the guest. Now the problem with John Bennett is... I know, I'm bad.

I think people would appreciate that if we did that. After we do a little... What the fuck was that? You know it's a tragedy. About every single guest. Dude, yeah, if we had like. I don't know why anybody will come back to the show. It's bizarre.

Yeah, I remember you had an idea, Mike Moran. You're like, yeah, we should just mix up what people say and like make them seem bad. Like, it's like, no, no, no, nobody will ever come back on the show. If we just make them all seem like assholes. Did you guys start a meme of me saying rape breakfast? What is that? I'm pretty sure you said rape breakfast by yourself. I didn't say rape breakfast.

I said it's grape. I eat grapes for breakfast. Yeah, while you rape, John Bennett, you disgusting piece of shit. I didn't rape. It's not even a charge. They got dropped. One time I raped and all of a sudden I'm the bad guy.

Listen, if you didn't know what language no is in that language, it's not rape. I'm pretty sure it's just no in Spanish. No in Spanish? I thought she was telling me what her favorite Japanese theater was. Theater style.

I think you guys are ignoring the bigger problem. It's illegal immigration, okay? It's not me raping. Yeah. It's immigrants coming over here. Micro macro problems here. Yeah. I'd gladly have sex with an American if fucking Mexicans weren't taking her job.

Yeah. Getting raped by me. Canadians are taking all our comedy jobs. Yeah. Jim Carrey. Australians are taking all our comedy jobs. Jim Carrey. Australians are taking all our acting jobs. That's true. All our action heroes. You know Clint Eastwood's

doing a reality show? What? Yeah, with his family. Why the fuck would he do that? I don't know. He's like 400 years old. He's 400 years old, probably. That's how they talked him into it. Keeping up with the Kardashians, it's always like a weak father. Like, it's always like, Hulk Hogan knows best.

Right. Weak father, weak father, weak father. Yeah. Yeah, because there's nobody to go, this is stupid. We shouldn't do this. This will embarrass you. And this will live on forever. You shouldn't do this.

It's like, I'm going to slide it up. It's like, well, I'm going to go in the kitchen. They're never like, no, you're not. Kim's going to do Playboy and then Kris Jenner's like, yeah, that's fine. I got to go to the other room.

She did Playboy a while ago. Really? She also did a sex tape, didn't she? She also did a sex tape. If you see Ray J's cock, it looks like it's seriously like my forearm. Good lord. It's gigantic. It has fingers.

It has a tribal tattoo on it. It's got a wrist. I believe H.P. Lovecraft described it in Call of Cthulhu. It's that crazy. Stranger-yie on cock. Leathery wings. Oh, the horrible urethra. They called it Hellmouth.

It's just a stencil of Ray J. In the book. A daguerreotype of his cock. Yeah. Oh, man. Like an etching. Yeah, exactly. The leathery boss.

We had to get several young boys to just acid print their penis on this book. And make it look like a hologram. And of course he said something racist about it. Yeah, of course. Oh man, he was so racist. Yeah, I know. The story of her big horrifying grandfather was black.

That's like the big M. Night Shyamalan twist at the end. It's like, it revealed the photograph of her grandmother, a Negress. And that's how it ends. Especially like colonial people. Just like, what? I think he did one story where it was like all these black people started slowly turning into fish men. Really?

Yeah, yeah. And they were just like, they brought this fish disease along, and they all became fishmen. There's one where the townspeople all become immigrants, like take over this town. So the old houses, which were loyal to their old white owners, collapsed and killed all the immigrants. Oh, man. Jesus. It's not because nobody decided to bring the buildings to code or anything. That had nothing to do with it.

H.P. Lovecraft, not really good on the causality. That's a total God hates fags conclusion. They collapsed because there was immigrants living there. The end. Who's the sci-fi writer who's really against? Orson Scott Card, I think. He's like a big libertarian or something Scott Card, I think. Like he hates. He's like a big libertarian or something like that, I think.

You wrote Ender's Game, I think. I don't know. Nerd alert. Jesus Christ, John. It's a good thing it's the end of the show, so I can kick you out real quick. Me and Pat Oswald. The only people who read that book.

Well, John, what do you got going on? What do you want to plug? Well, Monday is the last regional Bohemian Hour. We're actually going to do the last one. That goes on every... Oh, the last one. The last one, we're actually going to do a new show next year. What? Yeah.

Because 2020 was a little too close to national Bohemian. Really? So you're just going to change the name? I'm going to change the name and do something else. Have they concepted you? We're going to change the format a little bit, too. So we're going to try to figure something else out. Using the Natty Bow logo might not have been a good idea.

Actually, they are a little legit. They like to send letters. Really? Wow. I got talked to before. Really? By Natty Bowman himself? No. Yeah. The got talked to before. Really? By Nanny Bowman himself? No.

Yeah, the one-eyed guy. Yeah, I pictured him, but he has a monocle on. It's far more grotesque in real life. It's really hard to not stare at the empty side. He's an encephalite baby. He shows up with his wife, the Utz girl. Have you ever heard of a thing called thalalamide? What?

The birth hormone? The birth hormone that made all those people have like filthier babies and stuff like that. He's like, that's how I was birthed. By a negress. Shouldn't you have a Baltimore

accent? Shut up! Alright, I gotta go. Alright, so John, what are your plugs real quick? Regional Bohemian Hour, Monday, 7 o'clock. Yeah, that'll be today. On the 19th. Anybody listening in Baltimore. Come watch.

Will your show in 2012. If you disagree with my point break comments, just come anyway. Yes, please. And argue with me. Come in droves. Will the next show be every third Monday? Yeah, usually. It'll usually be third Monday. We might have a

hiatus in January, but we will be starting the show again. My man. And then check out Strictly Platonic Videos on Funny or Die. On Funny or Die. Good stuff. And YouTube. What was your podcast that's in the Zoom marketplace?

The Chuck Wagon Revival. Chuck Wagon Revival? Yeah. All right. Where we reviewed a movie called Jolene. I think we just talked about wagons, I'm pretty sure. I'll just talk about Chuck Wagon. Wagon wheels and the Oregon Trail. A bunch of wagon enthusiasts get together and kick it like they do.

I thought the best time to leave was May for the Oregon Trail. By the way, I just want to let you know that if you name your podcast something weird, like something that sounds like something else, you'll get way more hits than if you don't. We should call it the Digression Sessions.

You know Digression Sessions is like a Swedish blog for music. Yeah, well, they can suck in mean. Yeah. They have no idea. It's all in Finland. It's all in Finnish. Who cares?

Who cares? Yeah, fuck them. It would be The Digression Sessions. There you go. The. Boom. All right. Now it's trademark, bitch.

Cunts. Mike Moran, you got anything to plug? No, not really that I can think of. I have a new article up on Patch, North Baltimore, if you go check that out. Check it out. Other than that, no, nothing really going on. Is that the new one about the Hamden Street? Yeah, 34th Street.

Hopefully I'll have another one up soon, too. Cool. All right, dickheads. Well, John, thanks for coming by. Oh, I thank you guys. Come back any time. Any time. We look forward to being on your podcast as well.

Is it weird if it's tomorrow? I don't know. It's not weird at all. Yeah. No, not weird. I'm just going to be standing outside like a Shaolin monk. Just open the blinds. It's like, you trash kids, no. It's not weird at all. Yeah. No, not weird at all. I'm just going to be standing outside like a Shaolin monk. Just open the blinds. It's like, you trash cans, fool.

Oh, Jesus. John. Is this where they do Project Mayhem? You're stupid. You're never going to make it. I just want to make soap and make you guys like me. His name is Robert Paulson. His name is Robert Paulson. His name is Robert Paulson.

All right. Thanks, dickheads. You did my shit. We don't need. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.