The Digression Sessions - Ep. 161 - Jessica Murphy Garrett (THE GURPH)

Episode Date: July 20, 2015

Hola DigHeads! Say hello! @JoshKuderna - Twitter & Instagram @MikeMoranWould - Twitter @DigSeshPod - Twitter Jessica Murphy Garrett - Acting! Also, like our FB fan page located here! On this week's Digression Sessions Podcast, Josh and Mike sit down with the incredibly talented Jessica Murphy Garrett! Jessica is one of Bmore's best stand up comedians, a founding member of Bmore's Single Carrot Theater, and (sadly) soon to be a resident of San Diego! We are going to miss Jessica dearly! Join us as we discuss Jessica's decision to leave, her history with theater and comedy, and Josh and Mike's confusion over the apperent existance of a Shakespeare charecter know as Mr. Squiggly? Thanks for the love and support DigHeads! Please do the boys a solid and give them a 5 star rating on itunes & stitcher. We love you!!

Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey, everybody. I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to the Digression Sessions Podcast, a Baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers. Join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence. As we interview local and non-local comedians, writers, musicians, and anyone else we find creative and interesting. Yes.

Who's the guest this week? Jessica Gerfie Merritt, I believe is what... There it is. Nailed it. That sounds like a totally normal name that someone would have. Hello. Mic checks, everybody. Mic check.

Mic check. Mic check. All right, I think we're good. I'm going to go get coffee. All right, I'm out of here. Love you, guys. Oh, Mike, did you bring my book by any chance? Oh, fuck, I forgot.

Sorry. Son of a bitch. I also forgot to read it. It's hard for me to read real books these days. We've only had it for like three months, so. I think it's been longer than that. Probably. Three months now is like eight months.

Really? Yeah. Each year, the months. They change the months, I think. It's a good book. I tore through it. What book is it? Adam Resnick.

He was a writer for Letterman, and he wrote Cabin Boy. And it's just a collection of essays from his life. And they're so fucking great. From what I read, they were very funny. It's just difficult for me to read stuff that's not electronic. And I just like to talk about it, because it's the only book that I've read in years. Just showing off. Guys know about books?

It's a thing, right? Any conversation about books. I too enjoy books. You always have it open to the middle. You always have a bookmark right in the middle. Yeah. The rest of the pages are blank. I just got John Ronson's book.

It's called So You've Been Publicly Shamed. That's right. I have multiple books. Really? Wow. And that Playboy book. Yeah, yeah. That one's bendy.

Really hard to not... No, he has a hardbound collection of classic Playboy photos. That's actually pretty cool. And it's really hard to not browse through when you're waiting around. Yeah, it's like a 50-year celebration of Playboy, so there's some tasteful nudes in there. Sure.

But then there's also Anna Nicole Smith's clam, which is nice. Really? You can kind of see it. Oh, wow. It's not like spread open. Not like, you know.

You know, like I said, classy. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Sure. Yeah. Black and white. Why was Anna Nicole Smith in Playboy?

She had them titties, though. That's how she got famous. That's stupid. Yeah. She seems like she should be in, like, I don't know, Country Girls and Pigs or something. Oh, here we go. Wait, I don't mean Pigs because she was large, but look at her.

Whoa. I just see her posing with, like, farm animals. Jesus, we've been recording for, like, two minutes, and sexist Mike Moran is already out on full display for everybody. I'm just saying she should be holding a pitchfork and doing something with hay.

Mike Moran says Anna Nicole Smith, pig. You know she's dead, right? Look, controversy sells, okay? Jess, is there anything controversial you'd like to say? I'm okay right now No, no, no, cut, start again

Don't worry, I will cut up everything Throughout the podcast, I'll put something together By the end of this, you'll be a Nazi Yeah Great, that's why I came, actually Good, good Yeah, this is a little catch-up session uh of the podcast we haven't done in a while yes so uh our guest today kinda i guess

i i guessed i guessed oh boy we're rolling now jessica girthy merit i believe that's what there it is nailed it that sounds like a totally normal name that someone would have Gerphy it's a good drifter name I think Gerphy yeah

if I ever need an alias I'll go with Gerphy Merritt so that no one will ever know that it's me that's really gonna trick the FBI

yeah it's gonna be like that usual suspects moment where the guy drops his coffee cup where he switches the G and the M he's like my god it's been her the whole time yeah yeah well uh there's a real kind of girfy merit to her yeah girfy does sound like a hobo drifter

girfy have you seen girfy and i just physically blend in so well that i think i could totally pull that oh yeah yeah yeah you do like camouflage yep social camouflage see me against the glasses make you pop out a little bit a little bit that wall has glasses on what's going on with that so you're a comedian and actress actress yes a lady that's true a coffee drinker um that's all i got in your bio that's all that's all your friend the creationist yeah right right absolutely that's yeah that's all that your uh agent sent over as far as uh my dossier yeah that was in the dossier They didn't really need to include a folder. It was very short.

It could have been a post-it note, really. It would have been fine. But yeah, you were in Baltimore for a while with the Single Carat Theater. Indeed. And now you're moving to San Diego. It's true. And so let's talk some Single Carat Theater. Okay.

SCT for short. SCT for short. SCT for short. Break it down. Tell us about the inception of it and now why you decided to leave it behind and you don't care about it at all. Right. That's exactly it. That's for words in your mouth. You obviously hate it because you're leaving.

Go. That's exactly what happened. That's what I thought. Mike, how you been? I went to the University of Colorado in Boulder and there was just a period of time in my last

summer there, so 10 years ago, where there were a bunch of us that worked for the Shakespeare Festival because it takes place on campus which is great and so it's kind of a summer camp for place on campus, which is great. And, um, so it's kind of a summer camp for all the theater majors, which is lovely.

And we just got to talking right before I graduated and it was, you know, I, I love acting, but I didn't have any interest in moving to New York or LA and just like auditioning for plays. I was never going to get cast in well and I was told my whole college career like oh you'll grow into your type like you're meant to play Margaret and Hamlet or Mr. Squiggly and Henry V or whatever wait there's a guy in Henry V named

Mr. Squiggly yes Mr. Squiggly read a book Mike no I love Shakespeare love Shakespeare. I heard Mr. Squiggly, too. And so I was told that I would be like 20 years... He's like Miss Doodle Bob-em. Mr. Squiggly drives a purple car made out of crayons. Just like, Jesus, I like Shakespeare,

but he really went off the map on this one. Jesus Christ. I think maybe I can read Shakespeare now. Mrs. Doodlebutt. Sorry. On the search for the lost pineapple tree. All right, sorry.

Are you guys wrapping this up yet? Tell us more about Squiggly. At any rate, I'll just move on from that entirely um there i feel like that's what most of our guests do just us yeah okay well before you rudely cut me off whatever that was i'll just keep going something that only you two thought was funny. Let me go on about my adult business. Okay. All right. Sorry.

Should I do that now? Or should I? Sorry. Just a few more comments about Mr. Squiggly. No. I don't think I even need this microphone. No. You should get out of here. It's actually not on.

You're making it weird. Yeah. Me and Mike are trying to have a conversation. And you keep butting in. This is how threesomes go awry. When you're like, we should bring someone else in the bedroom. And then you just get cut out of it. Because the person just wanted.

Every time Josh and I try to have a threesome, that's what happens. They usually just get us Gatorade for the most part. Right. The third person. I feel like that's absolutely the case. Yeah, it is. So anyway, Gatorade. Good.

Before you rudely interrupted my connect long story short i i just wanted to do the kind of theater that i wanted to do and i didn't want to just go audition for whatever and not get cast and um and a friend of mine said, you know, I wanted to start a theater company, which is what every theater student says, but I trusted him, and we started having meetings in that last summer there, and I said, I want to move to Chicago, but when everybody else graduates, I will meet you in whatever city we go to. I was going to say, between New York and L.A., I figured you were closer to Chicago, So I figured that might be an option. Yeah.

I lived in Chicago for two years. I did comedy. Uh-huh. And I took some writing classes. And I was a preschool teacher. And it was great. Really? I didn't know that.

Yeah. Cool. Is theater big in Chicago? Yeah. Theater is huge in Chicago. Yeah. There are like 200 storefront theaters in Chicago. And there's like five in baltimore yeah yeah uh remember chris jones who was in the baltimore

improv group who is chris jones uh uh this is where you try not to be racist uh kind of like tim meadows he's a fella tim meadows right i mean i guess he's black i don't see color no he looks like tim meadows not really no okay then i'm thinking of somebody else yeah that's where you try not to be like disparaging like he's black and gay do you know who i'm talking about that's that's him he looked like he looked exactly he was a dead ringer now you're being racist no no not even close both had cornrows both had hands you know what i'm talking about tim Meadows. He's out there and he's in some prestigious acting thing or something like that where critics come out and review your showcases and stuff like that.

Yeah. Wow. That's pretty intense. We probably should have had him on the podcast. Yeah. Yeah. But Chicago, yeah, it seems fun but brutal in that sense where there's a ton of competition. There's a ton of competition and there's just a ton going on all the time but what i like about chicago that i don't see here as much

is that everybody's and everything like everybody's an actor and a comedian and a writer and a musician everyone's a comedian yes and here there's only like there's only like three or four people in the comedy scene that are actors which which I think is really interesting. I was really surprised about that. I assumed there would be more of a natural crossover. I played Peter Pan in eighth grade. There you go. I played Mr. Squiggly in ninth grade.

She was production of Othello. I was Mr. Squiggly. I was Jimmy the Banana. I've been in a couple sketches, but I don't know if that makes me an actor, but I would say it does. I'm definitely a fake person all the time.

Really? This is a put on? Are you just like such a sunny individual in reality and this is all? Yeah, I honestly kind of, yeah. I do not believe mike does full musicals by himself nobody has to put in my room black t-shirt black socks no i that's actually kind of true i think i think but i think it's more like i i would be a sunny fun individual if i weren't broken down by the bleakness of existence and so I have to like act around that. That's ridiculous.

Welcome to my shitty world. That just means that you are that person. I am a sickness role individual. You can't say if it wasn't for my entire existence I would be this other person. Right. No, but I used to be when I was like three. Really? You were different when you were three?

Really? You weren't like a depressed individual when you were three? Actually though I do't like a depressed individual when you were three? Actually, though, I do picture you like that. I'm telling you, there was a person that I was and then my psyche started cracking apart and my whole world turned into Lord of the Flies and now

I'm just faking my way through this. So you're saying that you aged chronologically like a human? Yes. Because that's what happens to everyone. But he was already depressed, like smoking candy cigarettes out in the yard. Dude, I was like the little kid that would sit on the porch. I'd be happy and fun, and then I'd get this horrible melancholy and sit on the porch and stare at the field in the backyard and think about how sad the world is. Like four.

Seriously. What's the point gi joe's always gonna fight cobra cobra's always gonna fight gi joe the cycle continues i do remember i remember once having a fantasy where i was like fighting an octopus did you ever just like have play fantasies when you're a little like i'd just be like on the couch like throwing cushions and stuff yeah and i pretended i was like fighting an octopus on an island. I remember just thinking, what's the point?

It's going to end. It's fun for a second and then it's over. There's no moment you can hold on to. Did you just let the octopus kill you or did everything just fade away? I don't remember how that concluded. Just picture you just throwing down your fake sword and shield.

Like, let's level. You and me and you octopus, let's level. Nothing's going to happen here. I do recall, like, grabbing the tip of the mountain in the center of the island and hurling it at the octopus. That's a good move. You grabbed the top of a mountain. Well, yeah, it was like the point at the top of a mountain. I cracked it off. Still, that's strong. Yeah. That's good. See, that's good move. You grabbed the top of a mountain. Oh, yeah. It was like the point at the top of a mountain.

I cracked it off. Still, that's strong. Yeah. That's good. See, that's good imagination. Sure. But even then, you're like, not enough. Yeah.

I remember just having this epiphany that it's always just on to the next moment. You're never happy in the moment. Well, that's what you've got to focus on. You've got to be happy in the moment when you're killing that octopus with the top of a mountain. There you go. It's all in my new book. Be happy when you're killing that octopus with the top of a mountain. Well, I think

you're doing better. Yeah, I am. You seem like you're in a good spot. Yeah, I am. But it's still just like a maneuvering around the brokenness that is my world. Speaking of brokenness, Jess, you were just telling us about,

so you're in Chicago. And so the single carrot, did you guys know it was going to be called single carrot theater? That came right before we moved here. The name. Okay. So you were in Chicago for two years. Yes.

And then, so I guess you guys just stayed in contact like yeah through email and myspace yeah kind of i'll keep you in my top eight all right yeah that was uh that was the thing then and then we did it we voted on the city yeah and how did baltimore come up uh we put 50 cities on a chalkboard 50 mid-sized cities no new york no la no chicago no twin cities no cockies no cockies fell and then we had a city search committee and then uh we graded the cities based on a series of random criteria and anything that got a b minus or above we kept and then we voted what was the criteria um there were things like plus plus plus plus plus like

cost of living arts funding um climate walkability that kind of stuff okay and baltimore made it to the top it did it was in the top it was uh in the end it was between baltimore philly columbus ohio between Baltimore, Philly, Columbus, Ohio, and Austin. Interesting. Yeah. So when was this? This would have been, we started having the meetings in 2005, and then I moved here in 2007. Okay. So did other people move out first?

Yes. The founding artistic director and his wife moved out in 2006 and then there was sort of a group of four or five of us that came within like six months of each other um and then a few more and then that was it from cu i think 10 of us came from colorado that's crazy yeah i've never heard of that happening before. I didn't really think it was that weird, but after moving here, I got told how weird it was multiple times. I don't think it's a weird

bad thing, but it's awesome. Yeah, it was great. It's like a thing that people would talk about but never do. That's, I think, what I hear the most. Well, it is the best idea. Me and Alex Breslovsky talk about it all the time of doing like just a cool people exodus to a new city.

Yeah. That's always a scary thing. Like before, like you want to move to New York, but then you're like, oh, I don't know anybody or, you know, you don't have a community. Yeah, exactly. And then you're like, well, what if like 10 of us all just moved at the same time it'd be fucking great it was great it was great it was scary as hell because denver is you know utopia and not like like baltimore at all um white people yeah don't experience

what i've learned strife yes i got strife i got strife by the bucket so much strife i'm sitting on a pile of strife in my furnished basement yep yep things are tough um yeah buddy i think you're right i when we moved here it was we were very insular for like a year we didn't make any new friends or do anything other than hang out in a basement i had the same experience when i moved to maryland from virginia in high school what go on no no tell us more about that no no yeah mike traveled i just had no friends for like 50 miles so it's pretty much the same. It's the same. It is exactly the same. Now, is this pre or post wire? Or are we mid wire? I would say we're, I think it was the tail end when I got here.

It was probably the final season or two. What's that? AW era. Yes. Okay. AWs. For the most part. Okay. So Baltimore is kind of on the map a little bit a little bit a little bit um and i grew homicide was my favorite show oh really nice

yes my father and i would watch it constantly same thing my dad loved homicide loved it it's so good homicide colon a show for dad it's so good yeah that and the commish yeah dad's definitely love the commish i need to re-watch homicide um man so yeah that's that's cool that you guys did that and then were you thinking that like you said you weren't really thinking that it's scary but were you excited or just like well this is a new thing i'm doing yeah i don't think it really hit me how different it would be and how much we work we were gonna have to do until it was too late and we were already here and doing it. I mean, I think I was naive enough to not realize that we were starting a small business. You know, that's the part that I, all the theater work and all of the like rehearsal and performance and building sets and all of that, think we were all prepared for yeah but the you know

applying to be a non-profit and filing our taxes and getting insurance and trying to pay people and stuff was not something i don't think we really thought about as much as we yeah it's weird all that shit you have to fill out like having a record label for two years and even just putting out two albums in two years was a shit ton of work it's not related to no it has nothing to do with what you're actually doing yeah i was not prepared to be a small business like sign here sign sign here sign here you owe us a thousand dollars i'm like what what did i do like just to sign this it cost you a thousand dollars but if you don't sign it it's illegal yeah exactly so it's So it's like, oh, all right. Man, so did you have help with that?

Did you guys have a lawyer friend or anybody like that? I mean, ultimately, that's why we chose Baltimore was... Because you could pay off people. City officials. It's so corrupt. No, it's the only city of the final four or maybe more where we would call people like Doreen Bolger, who runs the BMA and, um,

the late Nancy Harrigan, who, um, was running the greater Baltimore cultural Alliance and Vinny Lanchese, who runs every man theater. And these people like pick up their own phones and that's, and, uh,

really like that doesn't happen anywhere else. Even in really small cities, you couldn't call, you couldn't call up the head of the Denver art art museum or the seattle art museum and they're like hello right and suck and be like i'm 22 i'm moving from denver and i'd like to take you out to coffee and they're like great and that's exactly what happened here and they're like yeah come here something's happening in the art scene that that is really cool and you should be a part of it that's cool that i mean that's an the city is incredible at doing that um yeah there is a lot of accessibility yeah even going to artscape which is going on this weekend you see tons of people walking around oh

yeah like oh hey it's or like like dan deacon dan deacon is like i think he tweeted that he's like i'll be working at this record store for the day in Hamden at True Vine you're like what like he's just touring all over the world he's like and I'll work at this

like hole in the wall record store for a day come through yeah and that Dan Deacons and John Waters and David Simons and stuff

just like live and work and go to the bar and talk to people and the guy from the Kiss My Bumper commercials too who's that guy what are you talking about remember the Kiss My Bumper commercials, too. What? Who's that guy?

What are you talking about? You don't remember the Kiss My Bumper commercials? No. Yeah, like, kiss my bumper. Just kiss it. What? He's like some local guy. He's like a comedian now, and he advertises as the Kiss My Bumper guy.

Yes. Actually, I saw his ad on a bus one morning when I was going to work, and I was super groggy, and I looked over, and it was like, so-and-so from Kiss My Bumper. I was like, what the fuck is this? Okay, I know who you're talking about. Sadly. Kiss My Bumper. Did those commercials not run in Maryland?

I never saw the commercials. I have no idea what you're talking about. I posted it on Instagram and other people knew what it was. But I guess he does stand-up too. That's so weird. Yeah, we recently found out that John Waters picks all of his fan mail up at Atomic Books in Hammond. That's incredible.

Yeah. So, yeah, because we were trying to get him on the podcast. He loves Atomic Books. Yeah, he doesn't have a Twitter or email or or website or anything yeah yeah exactly uh yeah so i guess 2005 too like baltimore's art scene is still growing but 2005 was probably a good time to get in it was perfect and now there's so many you know theaters that are not exactly single care it's kind of in a weird like we're like the littlest big theater there's there isn't another theater that's exactly our size um but so what are the biggies you mentioned i would say center stage is the biggest and then every man um and

then and chesapeake shakespeare just moved here from ellicott city and they're next where's that um it right now it's it's right downtown i'm like it's right by sidebar actually really uh-huh and they just moved in that boat they just had their first season it's beautiful yeah um your guy's theater is really nice yeah it is yeah how did that work out um and a lucky elevator ride we were in load of fun for years on north and howard so like kind of like a smaller yeah we were in like a garage yeah didn't jason weems record his yeah yeah and we were on the other side of that wall was our theater but um but yeah i went to that um and we knew we were growing out of it. Um, and so we started looking, so we, we were already prepared to move before a load of

fun closed, which was good. And, uh, our managing director, Elliot got, was riding in an elevator with the guys who run Seawall development and they just got to chatting and the guys for those that don't know seawall is taking an area of baltimore called remington pretty much bought remington yeah knocking all of remington down and rebuilding starting from the ground yeah it's really they and they wanted they had just done miller's court on 26th and across the street from single care where charming tenses okay and they had just done that and it has like teach for america was in there and young audiences was in there at the time and and smaller non-profits that are like mostly education based and they

wanted to do something similar across the street but they wanted um a small arts non-profit entertainment and dining right one building and so single carrot fills the entertainment and then parts and labor is the restaurant and then young audiences is the cool arts non-profit yeah and parts and labor is like the hoity-toity it's so hoity-toity but that ham hock is incredible ham hock it's so good what is a ham hock i don't even know like a ham i don't know what it is is it like the i don't care what it is something i feel like it's that's the wings the wings no uh pigstone so so they were just in the elevator and he's like hey you're the seawall guy i mean you this is just how i imagine what it's like to be a white guy where you're like hey white guy i have an opportunity for you and then the other white guy's like great uh-huh yeah you just walk out if you're

like out of money or something if you're wearing like a blue button up and khakis which i imagine both of the sea what both evan and um tebow from seawall and elliot i'm sure we're all wearing the same outfit and like just have this like sort of like confident white guy yeah swagger that's probably how they broke the ice i think so oh wait a minute blue blue hey wait a minute that's how it is in my head absolutely when you're a white guy you can generally just walk out the door and find another white guy. I love that. I love just following white guys around in restaurants and things and just getting. Just getting the runoff. You get to say anything with a certain amount of assertion.

Sure. And people are like, oh, sir, well, your meal is comped, of course. And I'm like, yes, it's amazing. I have noticed that the deeper my voice gets uh and the more confident i am people do just kind of just do what you like when i was like a scrawny like anxious younger awkward guy people wouldn't listen to me but like now that i have some confidence yeah and can like stand up tall and you know speak with authority people are just like oh yes sir right away right away anything you want sir yeah it's awesome yeah we all live like the monopoly

guys totally we'll take baltic avenue please like even hotel on it maybe it's like getting older too but like even cops like now it's like i don't know i'm not like so intimidated by them and it's almost like wow am i the one that's like dominant in this conversation here yeah this is great look at you getting off on some dominance here white power finally finally comes out all right uh yeah and then so baltimore too it's so it's a weird spot because there are theaters but i don't really think of it as a theater town yeah so that had to be scary it was super scary but it's also people were like wanting that and and now i mean in the last 10 years in the last eight years things like the bros didn't exist baltimore rock opera society yeah um glass mine theater didn't exist the annex, Acme Corporation. There are over a dozen of the small to medium-sized theater companies now.

Baltimore Improv Group. Baltimore Improv Group. Hey now. Which is really incredible. And there were one or two when we moved here. If that. Yeah. I think Big was probably the only one of those it was

definitely the only one of those that we mentioned that even existed yeah and that was just like two troops at the time yeah and there were there there were some small theater companies um and some of them are still around and some of them aren't but now it's like several fold yeah yeah okay so so now like, so you were here for a while, you're moving to San Diego. Are you still going to be involved with a single carrot? I would like to be,

but I don't want to be that person that's like, Hey guys, you need me to vote on something. I want to be, you know, available for whatever people need in the transition. And then I would love to come back and do a show or help write a show or something. Do you have a board position?

Because that sounds good. Are you going to be on the board or something? I don't think I would be on the board. Are you a trustee? Yeah. Will you remain a board woman? I think I want, selfishly, I want to have a company member like emeritus page on the website do you have tenure i think i have a tattoo of a carrot on my body so i think that's my tenure i don't even know

what tenure is honestly i just know it's the thing you gotta get it that's what people want you really you gotta get tenure yeah if nothing else give me that give me that some some tenure yeah just a little bit of tenure. Do I have tenure here? Well, you're on thin ice, but you're doing okay. Am I a member of the board of trustees for the digression sessions? Yeah. Just be confident, lower your voice, and yeah, absolutely.

You can be on any board of trustees you want. Hey, Josh, I'd like to be on the board of trustees. Of course. Right this way, sir. Nice khakis. Yeah yeah beautiful blue college shirt um so you said you did stand up in chicago i did a little bit not a ton i did more improv and sketch okay in chicago um i was also not super good at stand-up really when you first started? That's weird.

Everybody's usually... Yeah, I was totally great from the beginning. I had an HBO special immediately. Yeah, I never bombed. Everybody loved me. I didn't even know what bombing was. I would just personally give up if I weren't good my first time. Right. But I was a whore.

I was overly confident because in college, I was good for a college comedian. Because everybody knew you, like in the audience essentially? People knew me and I was like producing my own shows and stuff. And then, you know, then you move to Chicago and you go to some open mics. Ain't nobody know you. Ain't nobody care about you. Jessica Gerfie.

No. Nobody cares about old Gerf. You got a lot of Gerf coming in here with that kind of confidence. Okay, so then when you come to Baltimore, I guess you're probably more focused on single care and getting that up and running before doing stand-up. Yeah, and at the time there was another guy in the company who started another company in sarasota um brendan and he was also a comedian

so he and i would go do it every now and then okay and like sometimes center stage would ask us to do stand up for like teen night and stuff really yeah it was very it was very straight i mean it was awesome um and we were grateful to do it you're doing jokes about my space probably probably i'm trying to remember what my set even would have been at a time like so what's up with this wild orchid group you've seen these motherfucking pokemons super sloppy double? I think it was sloppy enough before. Come on, man! It played so well

to the center stage teams. I bet they loved it. They loved it. Bulbasaur? Bulbasaur? I don't know. I think it's a Pokemon. Pokemans? You see this David Bowie hair in Labyrinth? Yes.

Like teens from the 80s? That's what I'm saying. Like we're too old to be. 2009 or something. Yeah, Labyrinth came out in 2009. Yep, I'm pretty sure that's right. So much CGI in that. Okay, so then I guess as single care probably is uh up and running you have a little more free

time a little more free time but then in the early days i was doing like three or four productions a year so i was in rehearsal or performance most of the time and then later i started doing one or two productions a year and that so i was like on the periphery of the baltimore comedy scene for like four years and then in the last couple of years i haven't been acting quite as much so i've been going out and doing more shows yeah it kind of shocked me like you just came out of nowhere and it's like oh wow she's like probably one of the best comedians in baltimore and just like emerged from probably okay I'm definitely not one of the best comedians thank you no seriously though you are I think you are probably my top three of Baltimore slash DC comedians oh bringing DC into it but then again I only know five comedians great I better be top

three now you are excellent thank you to you that imaginary octopus and then the tip of them yeah the tip of the mountain and mr squiggly um love that guy and then i started so yeah like i would say like two years ago i started going out like a couple times a week right yeah right on doing the damn thing where does the name single carrot come from um it comes from a quote from a painter french painter paul sazan i'm very familiar with him i've heard of him josh and i are big fans yeah yeah a lot of people like pre impressionist post impressionist that's my thing i thing. I prefer his earlier stuff before he was on a major label, but that's just me.

I love bowls of fruit, and then he's like, let me paint a mountain. I'm like, what is this? Sell out. Fucking sell out piece of shit. Unplug your guitar, Mr. Dillon. Paul Cezanne. What is this, Reload? I think you've made some

excellent points about Paul Cezanne. When is this, Reload? I think you've made some excellent points about Paul Cezanne. When he cut his hair short. What is this, The Unforgiven 14? I appreciate the lesson. Yep. Anyway, sorry, what did he say? He said, the day is coming when a single carrot, freshly observed, will set off a revolution. That's what he said.

He must have been high as fuck. Probably. Wow. Did that actually happen? If that really did cause a revolution, that would be some crazy shit. Especially the elite. The rebels are revolting.

Really? Why? One carrot. They're going to murder us all. A carrot is their god? We're done. There's stuff like that. That one guy getting lucky and shooting the other guy

that started World War I. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. History lessons with Mike Moran. And Annie Oakley almost shot him in the head years before that. that's how history works oh no uh okay so now that you're moving to sandy san diego what is the what's the plan uh the plan is to close my eyes forever um for at least a couple of weeks. I just want to be horizontal and doing nothing. So you're going to get on heroin.

Yep. Get a nice coffin. Yeah, I would love it. Sometimes don't coffins look so comfortable? Yeah, that's why my room rules without new windows. It's a badass. Except for he put a, what'd you put in there? An air conditioner that didn't vent anywhere?

That nearly killed me, I think. Dummy. If you listen to digression sessions from two years ago. Did you put a window unit in a window? No, I didn't. No, I didn't just put a window unit on the floor, basically. No, I bought a portable one, and it has a tube that vents. And he put it in a floor vent which just circulates

through your house that's i don't think that's why it made me sick i think that was a pretty good idea no mike it doesn't go anywhere yes it goes downstairs and out through the rest of the house why would that make me sick spreading the poison evenly exactly it's supposed to go outside if it's all in your house i don't still terrible. I don't think that's why. Well, everybody else would have gotten sick, too. But the point of origin is your room. I'm sure not all of it is making it directly into the vent. I taped it up pretty good. I bet.

It sounds like a foolproof plan. If you listen to digression sessions from not last summer, but the one before, you can hear me nearly dying on the mic every time. The lost era of Mike Moran. Okay, so you're going to get a coffin. I'm going to get a nice coffin. I want to write and just focus on comedy and on writing and not be an actor for a little bit and not do theater for a little bit.

Okay. I love it, though. it's just very time consuming and we also got to take a break from the shit that you really enjoy yeah yeah get some space from it in perspective otherwise it'll kill you i totally agree um and i figured a nice place to do that would be in san diego now that's because you have family out there. I have family there. And, um, uh, yeah, my cousin lives there,

but my parents took her in when she was like a wild teen. So she has, we're, we're very sisterly. A little bit. You want some fruit snacks? A little guy like, yeah,

she lived with my parents in Albuquerque and my dad was really afraid she was going to get pregnant. So he got her a job at a lesbian coffee shop. And the lesbians looked after her. God bless them. I know. So I'm going to go stay with her for a couple months and figure

my shit out. Okay. She lives like eight blocks from the beach. It's incredible. The town they live in is called Cardiff-by-the-Sea. That's amazing. Wait, that's the full name of it? It's not just Cardiff?

No. So there's several words. Cardiff-by-the-Sea, Encinitas, California. Wait, that's the whole name of the town? Yes, look it up. Good luck writing letters. It's going to take forever. Yeah, you good luck writing letters.

What year is it? Speaking of letters, real quick, sidebar, if I may. Look it up. Good luck writing letters. It's going to take forever. Yeah, you good luck writing letters. What year is it? Speaking of letters, real quick, sidebar, if I may. I was home on Thursday teleworking, which, by the way, telework is the shit. Yeah, you don't have to wear any pants at all. I know. The first time I clocked in from home, I was like, signing in in my underwear. My manager's like, TMI, Josh.

We all know what telework is. All right. So we can work in our underwear at home. But the male lady came and she had a big sash on that said like 50 and loving it. She had this like, yeah, it was a big blue sash. She had like a little like blue tiara on. And I was like, oh, it's your birthday. Happy birthday. I'm sorry. I'm in my underwear. She's like, yeah, it was a big blue sash. She had like a little like blue tiara on. And I was like, oh, it's your birthday. Happy birthday. I'm sorry I'm in my underwear.

She's like, it's all right. I'm not looking. But I said to Amanda that we should get her a birthday card. And she's like, why? And I was like, she's our mail lady. She's like, do people do that? Now, we should give her a card, right? That's a very nice gesture.

I think that's a really nice thing to do. Right, because she's excited she's 50. It's not like she accidentally had this sat like, oh, I'm wearing this again. That's embarrassing. Oh, boy. I had nothing else cleaned. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All my other sashes are dirty.

Yeah, here's the thing, though. I don't know her name. I think it's the same woman. It was pretty funny when we first moved in. I think it was like the second day we were home putting all our shit away. And she was delivering the mail. And they're like, hey, how you doing? And she's like, oh, you guys are new here.

My name is Audrey and I am the answer. What? What does that mean? I am the answer. Yeah. Damn. She probably just read like some Oprah self-help book. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right before like Be The Answer. Be The Answer. Yeah. But still, it's like, well, that's good. I'm glad you think that. Great. But forget her name. I think it's fine to not know her name.

I think it's okay. Happy birthday. I think the very fact that you're going to that length is nearly enough. I think it's really sweet. Yeah, I bought a card yesterday at Artscape. Artscape here in Baltimore is this huge free festival. You guys know. I'm going to look at the recorder like they're strangers.

Now, you guys don't know. But yeah, big free festival. There's music and local vendors and all this stuff. And stuff gets pretty esoteric. There was a woman that had a booth that just had hand-stitched cards. Hand-stitched? Yeah, she took a card. Yeah, so it's like string-stitched

into the card. And the card's like a three-by-five. It says, Happy Birthday, and it's just stitched in it. And I was like, oh, let me get a card. This is perfect timing. I figured it'd be like two bucks. Ten dollars. Jesus. Ten dollars. Wow. And I was like, well, I'm not gonna stop to get a birthday card somewhere else. I'll just get

this. And it didn't even sing a funny song? nothing nothing like that no shirtless cowboy? unbelievable right disgusting or like the hole in it like oh your money fell out happy birthday you ever get one of those? put your dick in this

that's what I get to my mail carrier congratulations you're 50 put your dick in this you earned it girl you're the answer you're the answer like an old lady with like giant boobs hanging out or something like that you know like who says you're old over the hill yeah uh had a fun time by the way Artscape. We were working the booth yesterday. Oh, yeah. I love Artscape.

And my favorite thing by far was giving away bubbles to little kids. If I could have a booth just to give bubbles to little kids. Bubble booth. They love those bubbles. They really do. My nephews love bubbles. Yeah. But, yeah, this little, like, this this lots of people come up well also we're right next to

a booth that makes like homemade soaps and shit so it smells amazing yeah but there's no divider between our booths like fight club yeah so most booths have like a little like separator so you're like this is the where we make the cards where i stitch into them and i sell them for four thousand dollars a piece and then here's the baltimore improv group then here's the soap so us in the soap there was no divider and the amount of people that thought we were like connected yeah and like you know it clearly is a huge banner behind it says baltimore improv group and they're like do you guys take cards one girl we went we did like four laps with her she was like what's your credit card limit we're like oh as much as you want we'll take it we're here at the baltimore improv group we'll take

all the credit cards she's like okay okay grab soap she's like how much are these it was like four thousand dollars all right and then like kept going like that eventually she had the soap she's like so do i pay you? Like, we're not connected. We're totally different things. Totally fucking different. Wow. But then, yeah, like, families would walk over and be like, oh, what's this? And we had bubbles to, like, kind of, like, attract the attention of young, unsuspecting children.

You got to get them young. Uh-huh. And, yeah, just one girl was like, oh, you can blow some bubbles. And then I was like, do you want to keep them? And I looked at her mom. I was like, can she have them? And the little girl was like, yeah, she can. Talking about herself.

And I was like, yeah, you can keep them. She was so happy. It was awesome. Nice. Yeah, if I could have a booth where I just give away bubbles, I would. That would be pretty good. But then they'd probably be like, you're a pedophile, right? That's your thing.

Yeah, that's not. What do you do here at the booth? I just give children free bubbles. I just give away bubbles to children. I just do it for their smiles. I just like it so much. Yeah, I really enjoy it. It makes me feel great.

That sucks that we can't do nice things for children without being labeled as pedophiles. Pedophiles. They ruined it for us. I know. They ruined it. They really did. Is that really a thing that, like,

sex offenders have to go door to door and announce themselves as a sex offender is that oh i don't know i don't know if that's like a tv thing or what also i have to pee oh boy well let's see how long it happens when you have a lady on your podcast you guys just be right down here like mike and i do just go in the corner if you have to pee go upstairs and then keep going upstairs because this toilet down here is malfunctioning. Or you can do what Josh does and pee in the sink.

Just mix a little soap in there so it doesn't stay. Yeah, just sit in there. You guys came upstairs and I was sitting in the sink. I wouldn't be shocked. I wouldn't know what's going on. Oh, good for you. The toilet's broken. There's a brief trend in my fifth grade class among my friends and I of peeing in the sinks in the bathroom.

That's all. We thought it was really fun. Yeah, it is. I try not to do it that often. Where are you peeing in the sink now? Home. Really? Yeah, the bathroom upstairs, like I was just saying. Oh, you pee in in the sink now home really yeah the bathroom upstairs like i was just

saying oh you you pee in the bathroom sink uh-huh that's disgusting it's sterile man come on i mix a little soap people wash their heads and stuff so do i look wow it's just returning to the source that's all water pee that's not the point it's all the same thing man yeah but that's not the point all It's all the same thing, man. Yeah, but that's not the point. All the same. The fact is you're getting urine all over the porcelain that people are trusting to be a cleansing place. Nobody's rubbing their hand on the bowl of the sink. It happens pretty frequently.

Just rubbing it on there. Yeah. I go in there and I... Isn't that how a sink works? Like you're supposed to scrape your hands along the edges. That's where all the good stuff is. While Jess isn't here, let's just talk mad shit about let's do it she's the worst what the fuck is up with this woman good thing we're not gonna release this yeah really uh michael what's been going on with you well you and i can catch up while this monster is out of the room

this monster um same old the room. This monster. Same old, same old. Been doing some Uber driving. Yeah, how's the Uber life? It's pretty awesome. I like it a lot. You meet like everybody. Like every fucking person's an artist that you want to hang out with almost.

Really? Except for college drunk girls. Yeah. Everybody else is like an interesting creative artist. Now, what's your move? Are you, do you start the conversation? Like, hey. Well, yeah, you gotta let it flow naturally. You know, some people don't want to talk.

Yep. You just feel that out. Yeah, and then I get resentful and start like thinking revenge scenarios in my head. What I could do to this person while they're in my car for not being interesting to me. Completely zoning out, driving through red lights and stuff um and and other people do want to talk and uh you know it almost this podcast is getting mad promotion really because that's yeah people just want to as soon as i mentioned stand-up comedy or anything like that like oh really yeah yeah and i will happily oblige them on how cool i am hold on she's She's coming back. Oh, Christ. So I was just saying that Jessica Ruben-Garrett is a super talented person.

Not terrible. And I totally don't think that she... We're talking about Mike's Uber life now. Yes. My life is an Ubermensch. Ubermensch. Ubermensch. Is there one interesting patron that stands out?

Weirdest thing so far? Anything cool? No. I mean, I've met a lot of cool people. There's been a few weird ones. One guy that just smelled like vomit. And another family in the middle of the night. Seven people, I think.

Just piling in with like kids on laps and what the fuck yeah and and just like driving me to all these weird places like that there's like stop and get food and stuff and whoa yeah that was kind of strange but they were nice enough at first i was like oh jesus christ yeah but they're they're friendly and it's you know it's not that hard to just drive where are you guys headed your house and uh i had a weird thing last night where these two girls were whispering about a

child dying. It was really disturbing. Why are you laughing? I don't know. I guess I'm turning down the radio. What are we talking about? So I do stand up. Speaking of killing. Yeah, no, it was,

I couldn't get a gauge exactly on what they were saying. Like if it was someone they knew or if it was just like in the paper or something, but they were just like very solemnly whisper talking about someone having been murdered. A child being murdered by an adult. I thought the kid just regular died. That's why I was laughing.

I didn't realize it was a murderous situation. Nobody talks about people that regular die. If it's a child, they do. If it's kids, yeah. Well, a white American kid does.

I'm with you. I'm with you. Maybe. The coroner's report says regular child death. Open and shut case. So there's been that. And I found out

that I hate college girls I'll tell you that right now There's nothing more annoying than a college girl Even if they're nice Now where is this? Towson? No not necessarily I guess there's Hopkins girls

But where are these Because college is out right now So I guess people live in the city? I don't know. I guess so. Or maybe they're just not in college. They got these broads. Gotta put them somewhere.

These broads gotta live somewhere. Gotta put them somewhere. That's the thing with broads. They always gotta live somewhere. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I learned that early on. So they're just annoying?

Just chatty? Yeah. Yeah. What is it with the scratchy voices? The vocal fry? Yeah. Are they doing that on purpose? They're partying too hard. Yeah, yeah. What is it with the scratchy voices? The vocal fry? Yeah. Are they doing that on purpose?

They're partying too hard. It's just an affectation that I don't think they're doing it on purpose. I think. It's hard to do on purpose. It's just something that you pick up when other people are doing it. Yeah, that's what I mean. I mean, it's like not natural. It's not like they're all screaming the night before. They're like doing a Lindsay Hogan.

We don't all belong to screamo bands. I mean, we don't all talk like this now. We used to. You used to talk like that? Most of them do, yeah. Well, okay. I was vacuuming and making dinner at the same time. The ball game was on Joe DiMaggio.

Exactly. Doing the Lindbergh on top of the flagpole. When who showed up but one fatty Arbuckle but so last night these girls were like going on and on about like seeing music and being like I'm gonna see

Sublime with Rome we saw Sublime with Rome and then they start listing Sublime songs yeah and then one was like, they did date rape. And the other one was like, I love date rape.

And so do you pull over? All right. Uh-huh. The record scratches. You know who else loves date rape? Well then. Use that low commanding voice.

If I got her on tape saying that, then I'd probably use that in court. You do record every conversation like taxicab confession like richard nixon yes but also like hbo's taxicab confession i'd say more like richard nixon but uber yeah but it is it is weird how like people will just say anything

yeah i already weirdly kind of have that like where people feel comfortable like telling me their deepest darkest secrets within like five minutes of meeting me for some reason interesting yeah it's weird i kind of i like it though but like even more so with with drivers so so i know where several bodies are buried now interesting yeah i've had a couple uber rides where uh yeah i just remember one guy where uh i was telling him i was going to new york i was like, yeah, I'm going to try to do comedy up there. He's like, oh, that's so cool, man. That's a cool hobby. I don't do anything.

He's like, okay. Great. It was just so kind of sad. He's like, I just work. I go home and that's it. He's like, okay. But he had a big smile. He just really liked it.

All right. Okay. All right. Cool, man. Cool. I want to give a shout out to my friend Ryan Cornwell, who listens to the show a lot. Yeah. Known him for a while and recently got married.

And it was his birthday this past Thursday. And they wanted to go see some comedy. They're like, are you doing any shows? And it's like, well, I'm doing open mics in D.C. And they're like, okay, we'll go. They're just open mics. Like, no no we'll go so that is always weird when people get yeah it was kind of fun though so I did three open mics and they came to all three of them like we walked wow one yeah yeah it was it was really cool so it was like weird to have

like that's really impressive you have like a team with you yeah like the open mics and stuff but I felt yeah I felt back so I'm like you're gonna see me do the same jokes three times basically yeah and i was gonna try to mix it up for them but they were so cool they were like no no it's fine you just do you you work on stuff and uh it's the first time they saw me do stand-up too oh really yeah so luckily the first mic went well because if the first one sucked then they'd be like you know we just remembered our car is parked on top of a fire so we need to go to that but yeah him and his wife beth it was it was so cool and then the third mic that we ended up at was a science club in dc and uh i think by the time i went up there were like eight nine people in the audience plus the two of them and like my energy

was already just super low yeah i'd done a bunch and i tried doing crowd work in the beginning with this guy like piggybacking off of the guy's previous set and they just weren't having it right like it was just like crickets and i was like all right well there's the scripted stuff and it went okay and then and then i asked if there were any couples in the audience to start off one of my bits and uh ryan and beth made the most noise and i was like okay so just the two people that i came here with nothing like doing crowd work with people yeah so i said i was like fuck it i just did super specific crowd work i was like looks like your name's ryan am i right they're like what's the

deal with this name beth like that's me so it was just really cool really tailor-made yeah exactly yeah it's like you ever walk in your room full of comic books he's like i do all the time so uh so yeah the set wasn't great but it was uh it was nice to do that and uh he's such a sweet guy so i wanted to give them a shout out because they listen to the podcast and ryan is one he's one of the funniest people i know that's not a comedian um i couldn't come to his bachelor party and he's like oh no no big deal and uh he's like we were texting back and forth he's like no it's fine and then a few minutes later he sent me a picture it was my headshot on top of his fire pit it's like check out this new kindling i got for my fire for the bachelor party he printed out like five of my headshot incredible on top of

his fire pit he's so funny so uh it was nice i appreciate that so i want to give them a shout out because he listens to the podcast. He actually checks all the speed cameras around, sort of like in Towson and the county of Baltimore. And he works really late. I think he works from like 10 p.m. to like 4 a.m. or something. Oh, yeah. You need something to.

Yeah. So he'll be listening to the podcast. And he told me a little secret. Speed cameras, they're not going to get you if you're under 12 miles an hour over the speed limit. Really? Yeah. I thought you were going to say under 12 years old.

Yeah, yeah. They don't care. For children driving cars, they don't even bother. Yeah. But we do have this booth with bubbles. Yeah. For your kids under 12. That's probably where they're driving to.

They're very excited. They stole a car. They want them bubbles. Kids love bubbles. They do. They love them. The Kids love bubbles. They do. They love them. The ones that don't get murdered. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The ones you don't murder. But I mean, that goes without saying. Sure.

That stands to reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine. Living kids. We should just clarify the living children love bubbles. Sure. Let's just leave it at that. Yep. I think that sums it up. That is how we normally end all our podcasts, right? Living children love bubbles. But yeah, as we reach the homestretch here, Jess, is there anything we missed?

Anything you want to mention? No. You know, keep just believing yourself, I guess. Keep, keep believing. Keep, keep. Keep, keep. Keep, keep keeping keep keep keep it on keep keep it on

as my mother would say sometimes you gotta just go down the road yeah you know yeah where is is your family in Denver

um my father and my stepmother are in Denver and my mother is in heaven oh and is that near Denver

yeah it's like just outside like Denver is 5,2 280 feet and then heaven's like right above right yeah well it's all utopia so right yeah i mean the only thing the only place you can go after utopia is heaven yeah fruitopia it's cocky's little utopia that's how it goes that's how it goes all Alright well thanks for coming by Before you leave Of course my pleasure

Thanks for having me guys I thought the last time I was going to see you Was at the open mic on Monday And then we saw each other again I know And I already gave you This big hug

So don't expect another one Nope Can't replicate that Nope Not again No way At a Empty open mic

Empty open mic hugs Empty in the sense that no one was there right the sentiment was full way full well

overfying where can people find you on the internet people can find me on twitter at tweets for jackie and on instagram at

jamus garrett and um on facebook at fuck you motherf motherfuckers. That shit's private. Whoa. Wow, you're one of those people.

No, I'm actually not. You can really easily find me on Facebook, I think. Wouldn't take much, huh? You can also just come to my house, which is 2902 Huntington. But I won't live there anymore. Okay. Sounds like you have a grudge against whoever's going to be living there after. No.

Best of luck to them. Just my address. Bring back Jessica. You know, my place where the bottom lock doesn't quite work all the time, people. And then Single Carrot. People can still go to their shows. I guess if you want to see a little less tall biracial girls. If you want to see the Jackson 5 without Michael Jackson.

Yeah. Sure. Single Carrot is awesome. We're about to start our ninth season which is crazy and here in Baltimore City on 26th and Howard you can find us at singlecarrot.com and on the Twitter and the Facebook and the

Instagram at single Single Carrot. Boom. Boom. Michael? Well, what I have got coming up includes, first of all, find me at Mike Moranwood on Twitter. He always knows this is happening, but never has his phone. Never.

And let's see. On the 25th of July, I'll be doing a show in D.C. opening up for a sketch group. Okay. At the some sort of arts,

the D.C. Arts Center, I believe it's called. Yes, that's a real thing. That'll be at 10 p.m. I'll be doing improv at the Mercury on the 28th at 7pm. And I'll be doing stand-up on the 31st at the Platinum Arts Center

with the art of comedy. What? I'm going to correct you. Go to digressionsessions.com slash calendar for all of our upcoming dates. I'm doing some stuff in September. I had a bunch of stuff this past weekend, and now's the time to plug it. It's already happened.

It's more about just saying I do stand up. I do things. So, yeah, I'll be doing Artscape tonight as in Saturday. So travel back in time and do that. Then I'll be at Zissamos as in Saturday. So travel back in time to do that. Then I'll be at Zissamos at 1030. So travel back in time for that. Two shows. Two shows.

And let's see. So I'm doing improv as a part of the Baltimore Improv Festival, which is happening July 27th through August 2nd. On the 31st, I'll be performing at 7 p.m. at the Baltimore Theater Project. Come out to that. And other stand-up stuff will be at digressionsessions.com slash calendar.

Damn right. And all of our shows are on iTunes, all of the past and future shows. Right, which is, we don't know how that works. Yeah, but the present shows, you got to dig for those. It is. A lot of time travel going on. Yeah, it does help, though, because then we can listen to the future shows to get ready for those it is it does help though

because then we can like listen to the future shows to get ready to record them yeah kind of know where it's gonna go right right right

breaking down the game film ahead of time yeah that's our thing and we're on Stitcher and then shout out to our

fabulous network Thunder Grunt which has a bunch of great shows PG let's see follow me on Twitter

I'm at Josh Kaderna and on Instagram it's at Josh Koderna and on Instagram it's at Josh Koderna branding right yes right

super clear get into it none of this moose bullshit listen I guess you know what you're doing but good luck yeah

Zach Thank you. We'll see you next time. Thank you.