The Digression Sessions - Ep. 166 - Mike & Josh Solo (@JoshKuderna & @MikeMoranWould)

Episode Date: September 14, 2015

Josh & Mike don't need no stinking guest this week. Josh talks about his Dad's heart problems and Mike relishes the days of smashing stuff. Thanks for listening, dawgs. @JoshKuderna - Twitter & Instagram @MikeMoranWould - Twitter @DigSeshPod - Twitter Also, like our FB fan page located here! Give us some feedback or post goatsie pics or w/e.

hey everybody i'm josh kaderna and i'm mike moran and you're listening to the digression sessions podcast a baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers. Join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence, as we interview local and non-local comedians, writers, musicians, and anyone else we find creative and interesting. Yes. Oh, yeah! Who's the guest this week yeah yesterday i was just feeling kind of depressed of like uh everything uh everything went well with uh with my dad this week uh and still like at the end i was just like i just want to sit like i don't know it was weird

i didn't have a feeling of uh jubilate like i felt good i'm glad everything went well but still like like last night i just wanted to isolate it was weird yeah yeah yeah that's kind of how i get to yeah like it doesn't i don't know it's it's strange it's a weird world like it's for me it's like i'm depressed but but I'm happy about my life. But I don't really get excited about anything. I don't know. It's really strange. I don't really care about anything or invest my time in anything.

No, I do stuff, and I'm happy about everything I'm doing. Yeah. But I still just, you know, I guess it's like Robin Williams, like, you know, I'm going to hang myself. No, not really.

Jesus Christ. No, it is kind of like you like do every single thing you want and then it's like, oh, but what about this thing? Yeah.

It's like always another plateau. Always, yeah, there's always more mountain to climb. Like as soon as you get what you want, all of a sudden, just like in your face, it's

like, well, but you haven't done this. What about that thing? That guy's doing this. Yeah. So how come you're not that guy? And then that guy looks at another guy. It's like, I wish I was doing that. How come I'm not?

Is there like one guy that's just at the very top of everything? That's just like one, all of it. And he's like, yeah, I'm totally content. I think Kevin Hart, maybe. Probably. I mean, like of everything, not just like one all of it he's like yeah i'm totally content i think uh kevin hart maybe probably i mean like of everything not just comedy like no kevin hart he's like you see his portfolio the best yeah there's there's nobody being like well why aren't you doing this yeah exactly he's pretty much doing whatever he wants i'm pretty sure. Hello, everybody. Long time no podcast. We were going to release one, but then I got busy and we didn't.

So let's – oh, we're supposed to have Brian McDaniel on the podcast. He's a comedian. And we did a quick interview with him, but most of it was about his shows last Friday and Saturday. So I didn't post that because but he was still a really cool guy and uh and uh i hope his shows went well and it'll be in the box set yeah 2036 yeah on a record store day or whatever it'll be a b-side for sure uh well why don't you explain what's been going on and why you've been busy well let me talk about what's important excuse me my twitter and my instagram of course at josh could turn on both of those platforms of course uh digressionsessions.com has all of our uh past

and future and current episodes now we've upgraded the website and uh thundergrunt.com check that out write and review us on itunes and stitcher and uh say hello on the facebook page i like that i like interacting with people and uh getting comments through the safety of the internet yes exactly through the anonymity of the world yeah i like pretending to foster a community of people i've never met i enjoy that i like meeting people when i don't have to awkwardly make eye contact or touch them. Yeah, and I can be in my naked self. I can be naked.

I want to be naked. I can be my naked self. Josh could turn this story. A raw, raw sociological look at society. Michael, what would you like to play? A sociological look at society. With eyes. The title just keeps going. That helped me see.

Follow me on Twitter, at Mike Moran Wood, W-O-U-L-D, smart guy. And are we plugging shows and stuff now? Yeah, sure. Why not? Read my columns in BYT Baltimore and Brightest Young Things. I've got one up right now at the Single Carat Theater. Theater. And I shall have one soon about Baltimore's only known serial killer.

Interesting. It'll be a Halloween. That'll be fun for Halloween. That's dark. That is dark. I want to get into that. Let's dark. That is dark. I want to get into that. Let's see. I will be at the Wonderland Ballroom September 25th for Don't Block the Box.

And then on the 26th, I will be at the Hyatt Hotel, Hyatt Regency Hotel, Michael, in Bethesda. And on the 16th, you're going to be at the Auto Bar. And I don't know what we're doing, but it's a celebration of your birth. Yes. In some capacity. We're going to reenact my birth. Okay. I'm very excited for that.

Yeah, no, there'll be music. We'll be doing some cover songs. Bring your ponchos if you're going to be in the first three rows. It's going to get messy. It does get messy. You're in the splash zone. We're going to have a little roasting going on. Now, am I roasting you?

I would like you to. Okay. I've got to work on my roast jokes. Let's go up with two or three. Okay. You don't have to have a whole set. You can break my balls in a few sentences. All right.

Let's see. I'll be at Sismo's on the 24th upstairs. In Baltimore upstairs In Baltimore In Baltimore And we're doing the Podfest on the 30th Yeah, that's right, September 30th We will be in Arlington, Virginia Just outside of D.C. at the Bossa Lounge

And we're doing our first ever live podcast in D.C. Very excited for that Our guest is going to be the great Lee Camp A political comedian, very funny guy, very nice guy live podcast in dc very excited for that our guest is going to be uh the great lee camp a political comedian very funny guy very nice guy and host of the popular show with the kids redacted tonight so uh should be a lot of fun and um we might have a live podcast in november for as part of uh charm city fringe fest oh yeah i will uh talk to you about yeah but uh yeah so we might be doing that in november cool yeah go to uh digressionsessions.com slash calendar i'm gonna update it hopefully

before this episode comes out and i'll have all of our stuff on there and uh so yeah come see us live and uh see us do stuff that we enjoy doing but are reluctant to probably do in the moment what you know like what we were talking about where you're like i gotta go do this thing like well but but i wasn't talking about podcasting what about stand-up i'm generally pretty excited to do stand-up really every time not not every time but most times yeah and and it's it's rarely ever the doing the stand-up that i don't enjoy on those rare times it's more of the the uh getting there and whatever goes along with that anxiety building up to it or whatever or that doesn't that's been a while since that's bothered me honestly yeah

it's definitely there yeah it just doesn't bother me as much right right right um but it's just you know like when it's just like an annoying trip to get there or there's like some weirdness with somebody, you know, in the audience or something like that. A past lover? Is that what you're getting at? I've actually, I've had like a weird thing lately, not with a past lover, but with a friend's past lover where it's like, i don't know what the proper way to approach this is hello person i don't have any social obligation to anymore yeah it's weird like at

first i thought it was something where we're just gonna both agree to pretend to not know each other yeah or maybe the other person doesn't remember me i can never tell you know right because i i don't know i usually remember people you know i can't tell the etiquette for if other people remember me or not yeah it's especially with uh stand up because you run into so many different people at mics like even comics or people just go to shows yeah the worst is when you're like hey i'm josh like yeah i know we've met like four times and you're like see i'm usually the other guy and that i just want to crawl inside my butthole i'm like well i'll see you later just crawl inside my butthole see ya yeah yeah i did have a thing with that where i think the person kind of hates me now because i didn't recognize

her the first time oh really yeah it's weird i don't i don't get it like yeah i don't think i was rude about it i think i was just like oh yeah now I don't uh some people you know me from yeah some people are just offended by like yeah we I know you yeah and it's like I think I get offended easily like how's that person gonna yeah how are they making it through life I've seen like uh it's funny I've seen younger comics go up to older comics and uh like hey man good set he's like oh thanks and then like the person's still there he's like yes what's going on he's like i'm sorry man what's your name he's like oh we you know i'm so-and-so we've met like a bunch of times right like what a faux pas like because the older comedian like the only thing you're doing at that point is just pissing them off

right you know what i mean like like oh we've met a bunch of times like what's he's like oh i'm so sorry well i mean i've definitely had that happen, where I'm on the receiving end of that. Yeah. And, I mean, all you can really do is be like, I'm sorry, man. I really. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I've done that. Most times people have been cool about it.

And then the one person that's like, we met like four times. We've had sex, Mike. What? She just, when I was leaving, I was like, hey, I just want to apologize. I'm so sorry. I know that you look familiar. I just didn't know your name. She's like, oh, no, I was just talking about you, actually.

And I was like, here we go. No, she was like, she said like, oh, I just, I was telling the person I'm sitting with that I hate. I did the thing that I hate. Like when you're like, oh, we've met a bunch of times. And so we cleared the air. So we're cool. And do I know that person's name? No way.

Absolutely not. No way. Shout out to blank. And if I see that person, I'm going to go the other goddamn way. It's weird for me because it feels like I've always been, like most of my life, I've been the guy who isn't the one who's not remembered, you know? So, like, it's weird being on the other side of that. Even now, like, people from high school, like there's several that are involved in comedy, people from my high school, who have, like, no idea who the fuck I am. Right.

I remember them. I know their first and last name. I can recite stuff they said. Yeah. But I was just, like, such a quiet weirdo in high school that there's, no way that they remember me right you can remember conversations you had in 1999 i i literally i have that ability josh it's really strange it's not just that i was quiet and and like was observing all the time but i have a strange ability to remember useless bullshit and nothing important hey there you go so i i do have this very creepy

ability to not only remember people from the past but to recite actual things they said including my current roommate who does not remember being in class with me in ninth grade interesting yeah it uh yeah it sounds like you are evolving but like in a really wrong way like you veered off like i have a superpower that's completely useless? Like anything important you tell me, I'm just like, what? Like five minutes later. But you're like, I have that ability, Josh. I can recall what you said yesterday about the Simpsons.

Yeah, yeah. It's totally what it is. Yeah. It's like nothing important. My brain just like hates me. Well, you seem to be doing okay. You and your brain are... It seems like you have a truce.

We've made a marriage of convenience to some degree. You're uncomfortable bedfellows, but here you are. It's an uneasy alliance. It's like when America had to team up with the Soviets to fight Hitler. Oh yeah. Yeah. I was like, I didn't really feel that comfortable with it,

but we'll do it for now. Great. There you go. Well, I hope you, I hope things go well and there isn't a wall in between you and your brain eventually that Mr. Gorbachev has to tear down. So let's, let's get into it. Let down uh so let's let's get into it let's get into this get into it let's get into it let's get it into this week this traumatic week

yeah went to the state fair mike wow no i uh i did we talked about that on the last podcast i want to circle back to the lost episode um but yeah so uh tuesday morning I was getting ready for work and I saw there was a voicemail from my dad. And he was like, hey, Josh, I'm headed to the hospital. And I was like, oh, this is good. I had a tightness in my chest and the nurse at work sent me to the hospital. So I was like, all right. So I don't know if it was my brain trying to calm me down and treat it like it's not a big deal.

I get like that too sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's weird what your brain does to comfort you in the moment. And so I was already kind of dressed for work. I put my tie on. I was like, okay, well, he didn't have a heart attack. They didn't say. I mean, he might have.

I don't know at this point. And he's headed to the hospital. He's going to be fine. I'll check in on him later. I probably just uh go to work check in see how my email situation's doing let everybody know and then say hi to belinda yeah and then get some gluten-free cake and then i'm gonna head over to the hospital around lunch right after you stop by chucky cheese to play a few rounds i gotta got to get my skee-ball game going. Sure. And then I was driving to work, and I was just like, oh, that's fucking stupid.

I should just go right to the hospital. Why did I even get dressed up? I don't know. It's weird. I think because I didn't want it to be a serious thing, but it is. I would have felt like such an asshole if he was in surgery or something. And I was like, well, I went for a half day at work you know like i have leave like sick leave and shit i can use for this so i just i just emailed everybody and was like hey i'm this what's going

on i'm going to the hospital and they're like oh of course take all the time you need yeah but it's that thing that you and i talk about where you're like well i probably should do this thing or even like when we're sick we feel like we can't take the time right so um so yeah i went went and found him and he's in the emergency room and uh he was feeling better when he got there it's just uh he had triple bypass surgery 17 years ago and uh they took an artery from his forearm i forget which one that is right there and basically they cut it in like threes and made the three arteries on his heart. And the cardiologist back then said,

hey, these usually last like 15 to 20 years, 17 years later. And so my dad had told me about that, but he was saying, he's like, yeah, like a couple of weeks ago, I was playing basketball and I felt that tightness in my chest like and then it was kind of going down my left arm and he's like whoa this feels like what it felt like

to get have a heart attack like the beginnings of it but I was like well I don't know man it was super hot out you're playing basketball you haven't done much cardio and he's like yeah I hope that's what it is and then Monday he was at home and he's moving soon so he was clearing out his basement he was like going up and down the stairs and it was really hot and he had the same feeling and he's like all right i gotta take it easy and then on tuesday he's a carpenter at uh where i work and uh he just had a cart with all his tools on it which isn't much and he was pushing his cart and he got the same feeling so like now it's not even that strenuous right he was getting the tightness so went to the nurse

and they're like yeah you got to go to the hospital so so at the emergency room he was feeling better like basically he got like kind of like right to the precipice of like possibly having a heart attack and then like since he stopped, it probably prevented him from having one. So at the hospital, they're like, well, what we're going to do is a stress test and try to see how healthy your heart is. And that entails basically just running on a treadmill really fast. With those white things on his chest. Yeah, with all the electrodes connected to you and stuff and he's like well you can do that but i'm probably gonna die if you do that i don't think you understand like and everybody looks

around like oh that's fun yeah you're cool with that all right so 8 30 tomorrow stress test good deal good deal because he's like yeah i mean i was pushing my cart and i felt a tightness like if you push me to that edge i'm gonna have a heart attack so like oh interesting okay so so uh they weren't really sure what was going on with his heart so the way they had to figure it out uh they just scheduled uh god i forget what it's called but it's like a catheter you get a catheter through your artery basically and they had to go in through its groin and uh so the cardiologist who is a fucking badass he uh he did the procedure so first they were just going to see where the blockages were so they put the catheter through through the groin all the way up to the heart and then they put a dye in there so you can see where the dye is going right and uh one of his arteries was

wide open one of them was completely closed which they call occluded and then another one was like almost completely closed i think it was like 80 or something like that so uh while they were looking at it like jesus christ so while they were in there already and already had the catheter in there they just put two stints in his heart and uh so they opened those so they're both wide open now so which is great but um the uh the cardiologist man to i just had so much respect for that guy like as far as like putting people on a pedestal of like athletes and rock stars and stuff like to me like and i got to see a video of what he was doing afterward and he explained everything like That's fucking insane.

You can basically thread a needle through somebody's goddamn groin into their heart and then feed two stints, like two balloons, essentially, all the way up there. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. And this was all while he was talking to my dad, because my dad was starting to get a little uh uh like he like the camera whatever they were using like to see into his heart was like right on his face basically so he started to get a little claustrophobic and kind of like sweating and uh so the doctor was talking to him the whole time like hey matt so where'd you go to school blah blah like the fact that you can

carry on a conversation and then do all that stuff and basically be playing god at the same time yeah and putting balloons in somebody's heart like jesus fucking christ so so it was successful but he had to stay in the hospital another two days and yeah so i just went back and forth a lot and then it was cool amanda uh she was off for a couple days so she hung out and yeah man it was uh it was just i don't know like everything went well and he's doing all right and he has all his medications and stuff it's just i feel like maybe it's just getting so close to that point and kind of just thinking about all this shit like friday finally when i came home like after dropping him off at his house and then like i don't know it just kind

of hit me i guess like i guess all week I was just kind of in this mode of like, all right, we got to do this. And like, I was positive and everything was good. And I don't know. So just on Friday, I just kind of felt just depressed,

just emotionally drained. Yeah. I think like too much to handle. I, yeah, I think that's what it was. But, um,

but, uh, yeah, I had a chuckle storm meeting and I went to that. So it was me, Alex and, uh, Bridget. And, Alex, and Bridget. And then Alex was headed to Alewife, which is where Amanda works, and they were going to have dinner.

And he was like, yeah, you guys should come. And it was actually kind of nice to be a little like social. Sure. And then like kind of see some people that I knew and it was nice seeing Amanda and stuff. But yeah, and then today I'm just kind of chilling. I'm kind of still just like in the same mode. It's weird. It's just like everything went right and it's good.

But now I just, I don't know, maybe it's just this feeling of like, well, the stent could collapse or this or that. You know, it's just, it's getting close to death and like thinking about that stuff. Yeah, it's scary. Yeah. So, and then, yeah then yeah my dad you know

he doesn't uh he's not like you know they have a girlfriend or anything so nobody else was there and then his brother who he's really close to was on vacation in belize so you know even if you are getting a procedure like they didn't have to like cut him open or anything but it's like it just sucks to be alone in the hospital yeah yeah. Luckily, his nurses were really cool. I liked his one nurse. I think The Watchman was on TV. She's like, well, what's this, The X-Men? No, I mean, it's similar.

She's like, I love The X-Men. She's like, I named my son after Professor X. Really? Really? Yeah. She's that familiar with The X-Men, but she didn't know it was the watchman yeah well she just looked at the tv real quick and saw superheroes so uh yeah her son's name is uh phoenix xavier you think at that level you'd be able to look at a movie yeah second glance and

know if it's the x-men or not well i phoenix leave Fiona alone. She did a great job. Well, at least it's not like Iceman Magneto. Yeah. But... This is my son, Wolverine. He's a very smart boy. Why do we love Wolverine so much? I think because he's gruff.

Tells it like it is, you know? He doesn't sugarcoat it. No, not at all. Calls people doesn't sugarcoat it no no people bub we love to call people bub yeah that's true listen here uh yeah man so that that was my week and then i i canceled a bunch of shows because i just didn't know if like yeah i was gonna have time but everybody was cool about it and uh and uh which makes sense who would be a dick about it you know like who would be like oh little josh oh my dad's heart has a boo-boo now i can't tell dick jokes yeah it was so uh it wasn't it was uh it was good and bad at the same time. It was cool to hang out. Yeah, it just sucks, man.

Hospital life, terrible. Yeah, very depressing. They come in and wake you up like every four hours too, even when you're sleeping. Just to make sure you're doing good. Yeah, and then you have like the blood pressure thing on your arms. That squeezes you every hour. So just, yeah.

Yeah. And as cliche as it sounds, the food did look terrible. Right. Like, he got meatloaf. I swear to God, it was like, I don't know, it looked like carpet. It looked like the color of a gray, nondescript carpet. Right. With gravy on top of it.

Yeah. And it was like, bon appetit, pop. Enjoy, huh? Enjoy. Remember when I was a kid, I really kind of wanted to stay in the hospital for a while it looked like a nice relaxing vacation theoretically it it looks like one step above a hospital because then you're like i mean one step above a hotel that's what i meant right a hotel come back i'm gonna edit that out uh but yeah you have a room you got a tv you had this bed

adjustable bed adjustable bed but then people are coming in just to see how well you're doing exactly you know if hotels had that nobody can be like why aren't you mowing the lawn why aren't you doing more i'm sorry doctor it is though it is it does suck a little bit these days that you can't just be sick or in bed for a while. There's always a way to do your work now. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, fortunately, he didn't have any of that. But it is weird, too.

It's a learning hospital, which I guess a lot of them are. So there's resident doctors that are like, they're doctors, but they're still getting all their hours logged in and stuff. So yeah. So like. They're shadowing. Multiple, multiple doctors would come in and they just have smiles. They're just like, uh-huh.

How are you? It's just, I don't know. I feel like it would be weird to have a group of like five, 25 year olds just staring at you. Right. Does your chest hurt? No. Okay.

Yeah. That's kind of how I felt at the dental school that was a little weird oh yeah there's nothing like creepier than like lying on a bed with like your mouth propped open and like you know 22 year olds just like staring at you and leaning over you everybody like has their own smell you know and taking notes on your mouth. One time a guy I almost got into an argument with him while I'm lying there. While your mouth is out. I don't remember what my mouth

situation was, but he kind of implied to the older doctor that I kept taking off my sheet or whatever, but he kept knocking it off or something. It was weird. I was like no that was you like you like secretly unhook yeah he kept accusing me of like it was like he was passively aggressively implying that i was like taking my my little sheet thing off is like the

patient won't uh right yeah it was just like huh every time i leave i come back and it's gone or something like that and i and i was like no you knocked it off like it was weird i like wanted to defend myself because i'm just like lying there at these like old people standing over me you know yeah the bright lights it was really awkward yeah it's like yeah that's what i do that's my low stakes low stakes prank that i do at the dentist i take this thing off when you leave yeah is that is that weird that i'm like that i care about stuff like that no like i just like that i care about stuff like that no like i just don't i'm not willing to just lie there and just be like yeah i'm doing this little thing wrong that would totally drive me nuts too because it's like no that's not what i did

i didn't do that yeah you're fucking you're full of shit it's not cool and it's like it's weird because it's like they're constantly trying to look good for their superiors you know yeah and i waited till the guy walked away before i was like, no, you knocked it off. Oh, well, that's nice of you. But I remember thinking like, should I care at all? Like, what's wrong with me? You didn't have to spit on him. No, I didn't.

I didn't have to ruin his career. But it proved your point. Yeah. His house, you know, I'm sure you can buy another one. Yeah. It burned quickly. It probably wasn't all that expensive. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. So what's going on with you, man? How are you? I'm all right. How's the Maranster doing? I'm good. You know, a little bit of the old depression kicking in. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, just like how we were talking before, just kind of like no matter how much you achieve everything you want to, there's always like another like as soon as you get there it's like well but why am i not here why do i not have that always more mountain to climb always and just in life even outside of comedy just all i remember that when i graduated college you're like well are you gonna get your master's like god damn it i've only been in school for like 20 years now right you're like well how about some more school no i don't want to do that yeah it's it's just with fucking everything man yeah you

can even get a new car like oh does it have a backup camera yeah should i have a backup camera as soon as i like get money like i'm excited for two seconds and then it's like well i guess i should be doing this and that and right why is this person always pressuring me to do that and then i'm like resentful at that person yeah it's so hard to just like focus on the positive yeah and then it's midnight in the day you've just spent the day just up in your head right and done nothing yeah man it's uh yeah it's tough so i'm uh yeah i'm on that tip too where i'm like should i get a new car i should get something so i just hate all that stuff i hate fucking getting a loan i

hate figuring out the goddamn rates and all that stuff of the loan and going to the dealership yeah terrible uh i went to uh went to the state state fair before all this shit went down me pappy. And I had some fine American cuisine. Oh, yeah? Would you have like a tiramisu or like a nice broiled trout? Yeah, well, something that's right up there. Sure. Deep fried Oreos.

Mmm. Wow. They had a fried Oreos. Wow. They had a whole goddamn deep fried tent. Mr. Hoity Toity over here. Just every deep fried Twinkies, deep fried Pop-Tarts, Three Musketeers. They even had deep fried balls of cream cheese, cremed Chez. And it was served on top of a bed of uh deep fried meal worms which is good wow yeah we're really kind of taking it too far that's a bridge too far for you that's too far why is it like a cool thing to have they deep fried my pop tarts and i said nothing

come on there is a pretty big difference between like it's it's i feel like it's trendy to like have the most disgusting foods yeah existing these days right well it wasn't a it wasn't a hipster thing it was just everyday people like and i tried the oreos they were all right yeah they like put like a cake batter on the oreo it was okay yeah but fucking deep fried twinkie just deep fried fucking everything dude it was uh it was pretty gnarly and then uh realizing too like me amanda and uh our friend jason went to the state fair and uh i just realized like from an outside observer like an alien landed and look at looked at it it be like, well, why do humans do this? They eat fucking garbage, and then they spin in a circle

in various capacities. Every single ride is like, you want to spin in a circle? Want to spin in a circle? Spin in a circle, two bits again. How about spin in a circle while you're already spinning in a circle? Does that sound fun? Double circle.

Yeah, would you like to spin in a circle 60 feet above the ground? There's the zipper, like to spin in a circle 60 feet above the ground? Right. Yeah. There's the zipper, which is spinning in a circle while spinning in a circle and spinning in an oval. It's fucking terrible. Yeah, we rode one ride, like the swings where you're held on like a chain, basically, where they have like the three swings. And we were like 60 feet above the ground. And we're like, like yeah this should be kind of fun this should be fun and as soon as we got going jason jason just so plainly uh summed up

his thoughts it just it killed me he was like i am not enjoying this i could just see like it was just so honest well like as soon as it started he's like i'm not enjoying this i could just see like a sniper like just uh just taking out one of the swings while it's in motion so just flies like 40 feet oh yeah why don't sniper terrorists do more fun things like that it'd be fun for them too because it's a moving target it's kind of tiny and you'd have to line up both chains at once you know yeah you gotta hit, then you're... Right. Nobody even notices the person flying off, and the ride keeps going. Yeah, you just land on I-95.

Yeah. You're like, well, oh, well. I thought we had more seats on this thing. Oh, well. Yeah. It's not like the operator who had a Skid Row tattoo on his arm, by the way, would give a shit. Like, oh, another sniper. Come on, kids, next round. Yeah, it is just weird that snipers aren't doing

more stuff like that, you know? Hey, to all our sniper listeners, have fun out there. Like, why isn't there, like, a street sniper? You don't even have to kill people, but, like, why isn't there, like, a sniper doing really cool things to, like, impress people, like a street magician or something? Like, red light?

Uh-uh. Shoots it out. Yeah, totally. I gotcha, I gotcha. people like a street magician or something red light uh-uh shoots it out yeah i got you i got you um the uh yeah but it was just uh it's you know the state fair i didn't realize how much like every single ride is just you just go in a circle after eating like deep fried dough yeah somebody explained to me the other day that apparently there is uh something with adults' inner ears that makes them get sick by spinning things. So as you get older, it gets worse?

That's what this woman was explaining to me. Interesting. I don't know if it's true, but I've certainly noticed it myself. Yeah. No, I felt like a huge pussy. After the first ride, I felt like an old man. I was like, well, let's take our time now. Why don't we go look at the livestock?

Let's go to the agricultural center. I hear they have an award-winning turkey. That was always the lamest when you were a kid, when your parents would make you walk through the chicken coop. Yeah. We actually kind of enjoyed it. It was fun. We watched a heifer contest.

The best heifer. Josh, that is no way to refer to the patrons. Michael, those are the names of the cows. Oh. It is funny to hear. It's like, look at this heifer. Look at the teats on this heifer. Look at this filthy pig.

Just lying there. What a cow. Oh, jeez. Horse face. That is bull. Yeah, we watched that. That slang comes from the barnyard, I just realized. Mm-hmm.

Barnyard slang. Yeah. That's the hot stuff. Barnyard slang. Tell you what, man. Put my pitchfork in her. You know what I'm talking about? Huh?

Brand her with my cattle prod. Yeah, it was a fun fun experience but the rides were terrible and then the inner ear thing uh yeah i didn't know did you know vertigo is actually because of like crystals unlike the inside of your ear that develop uh something like maybe yeah it's something like that i had no idea so much of uh yeah yeah, your ears are. Yeah, I know. Why does the ear get all this say? I don't know. The ear, you're saying like wax crystallizes? I don't know if it's wax, but it's some type of something gets in there.

So you're saying I have crystals in my ears. Probably. Can they be pawned? Are all your chakras aligned? I don't know. Probably. I really doubt it. I seriously doubt it.

I have a feeling one of mine is like in my, packed away, in a box in the basement. At least one. Yeah, you're balancing a Coke on your chakra as a coaster. Shouldn't do that, Michael. Shouldn't do that. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, it was a good time. And then the terrible foods.

We were watching in the the hospital we were watching the tv and there's a commercial for gogurt which is you know if you're such a busy person you don't have time for who has time for all the effort yogurt takes to eat you got to take the lid off you got to get a spoon well you forgot shoot that hot yogurt right in your mouth. Let's not forget, you have to find a place to put that tinfoil lid like a trash can. Oh, yeah. I mean, you can't just throw it on the ground. In this modern workaday world? In this world of digital stuff.

The kids today is what I'm saying. Yeah. You got to find a place to put that lid. Absolutely. So we're watching a commercial for that, and I don't think my dad had ever seen it before and he's like go Kurt it's like just like from the mouth of babes right I don't understand why is why is the yogurt I smell yogurt what is that what's happening with that have Have they replaced Y's with G's?

What's going on? Why have I not been informed about this new alphabet? So, yeah, it's just been a crazy week. But good overall. Well, I'm glad everything turned out well. Yeah, thank you, man. Yeah, it's just kind of stressful. Yeah, absolutely.

It's good. And luckily, work was cool. cool and like i said i have leave time and stuff so i got to use that but uh yeah man and it was uh it was nice that uh my lady took some time off too and hung out so it was cool it was uh it was fun man oh i'd like kind of fun like it was just kind of cool like the three of us hanging out which was nice sure so uh so yeah man just kind of cool, the three of us hanging out, which was nice. Sure. So yeah, man, just kind of dealing with that. Yeah, I was supposed to be at McGuby's this weekend, and if anybody came out for that, I apologize. I think Ryan Nazer had to fill in, so you had to deal with that bullshit. So a huge apology. Huge.

Huge. We will make sure that never, ever happens again. Just kidding, Ryan. You're funny. He's very funny. Very funny. So, yeah, that's kind of all I got, man. I'm just kind of hanging out.

It's just been a week, dude. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I've been listening to a few podcasts about some serial killers. Oh, really? I've been listening to last podcast on the left. Yeah, which serial killers. Oh, really? I've been listening to Last Podcast on the left. Which serial killers are we? I listened to the Ed Gein episodes. Ed Gein, inspiration

of Buffalo Bill, Norman Bates, and Leatherface. And Ally McBeal, weirdly. I'm not sure how that works. He was very skinny. That was his thing. And he was a lady lawyer in Boston. I think that's what it was.

Yeah, dude. Jeffrey Dahmer. I had no fucking idea that he was like... I knew that he was... Dahmer, we hardly knew you. Yeah, I knew that... I thought I knew you, Jeffrey Dahmer. I could take the murder.

I knew he was murdering people. Who doesn't? He was eating them of course but no big deal i didn't know he had like a barrel full of torsos and i know he was sucking on dicks like like their lozenges like severed dicks he was sucking on severed dicks yeah i wasn't aware of that but i'm not shocked you would like just put him in his mouth like that's the stuff well you know one of them he painted like like was like makeup he he was like i guess with serial killers they're so incredibly rare that there's no real classification i mean there's a few things you can classify but mostly they're just just have

weird brains that do crazy things yeah no he's in a league of his own for sure ed gein was kind of like that a little bit he was into like slicing up the bodies and making stuff out of them, doing little arts and crafts. Doing just a little bit. He had a nice Etsy shop. Sure. Well, you know, like the Native Americans. Yeah.

If you're going to kill something, use the whole thing. Yeah, and make a belt out of their nipples. Sure. That's what you need to do. You need to have a nipple belt. Exactly. Yeah, I had no idea that Jeffrey Darmer... I knew that like he was uh like his some of his victims he would try to essentially make them like

i don't know like live-in boyfriends essentially but i didn't know he was pouring boiling water into their brains to incapacitate them he was trying to create sex zombies yes yeah he would drill a hole in their head yes and like well they're like, well, how about a little boiling hot water? Yeah, I think he used bleach as well. Jesus. These were all experiments that he tried. Right. And the amount of times that his path and the cop's path crossed and to no avail, it's like out of a really, really scary comedy.

Right, yeah. Like, oh, look at this gay boy yeah he's a little weird yeah i think there was a racist slash homophobic element to it yeah definitely like it was just like mostly black guys disappearing from like gay bath houses yeah yeah because he was yeah he's into black guys and then like uh mexican guys i think but uh his uh yeah and also i think where he lived too is like a shitty part of whatever city he lived in so the cops would rarely show up yeah but the fact that one of his guys like escaped naked handcuffed i think bleeding out of his anus yeah and i think he was drugged so he couldn't say anything like the cops saw him like all right what's going on here?

And didn't Jeffrey go after him, like, oh, that's my boyfriend. Yeah, he's like, oh, he had a little too much to drink. He does this when he drinks. He just gets naked and bleeds out of his ass. And, like, the black women that were, like, begging the cops to help this guy were like, oh, they're like, okay, black ladies, come on now. Let's calm it down. These are homosexuals.

Yeah, who knows what they do? They're like, okay, black ladies, come on. Let's calm it down. These are homosexuals. Yeah, who knows what they do? They're wild. Yeah, they have like transcripts of the cops like calling back to the station like, oh, that sounds like they're going to have some fun tonight. That's a Jeffrey Dahmer pouring bleach into his skull like, oh, you're never going to escape again. Right. And then snuggling him.

Oh, so fucking crazy. Yeah, yeah. And there is a time too where he had a uh a cab driver i think i think this is what he was living with his grandma by the way and murdering people in his grandma's basement he was like moving a body to or from his grandma's house and uh the cab driver uh they're putting the body in the trunk because it's just in a bag. And the cab driver's like, what is this, a body? And Jeffrey Dahmer's like, yep. And they're like, okay, all right.

Very funny. Jesus Christ. Well, yeah. I think there was another time, too, when he was dumping trash bags full of skeletons. Yeah. And a cop stopped him. And he's like, why are you driving around this late with trash bags? And he's like, well, I'm gay.

Like, ah, that explains it. All right. All these gays in the bags and midnight rides. Driving around late. You know how these gays, I think he like told him he was going to the dump. Yeah. And he's like, well, my parents got divorced so I can't sleep. Yeah.

He was just a fucking, yeah, yeah man he was a mess yeah like just as from like a human being standpoint like he just like flunked out of college right he was a drunk too yeah and then he flunked out of the military apparently though there's a story where when he was a kid he called they like were on a field trip to d.C. and he somehow, he was like, I'm going to get us into the White House. And he made a call from a pay phone and somehow arranged a visit with the vice president and got his whole class to meet the vice president.

Oh, really? Yeah. Well, he's kind of industrious. I'll give it to him. Yeah. You got to have, I mean, if you're going to have an apartment

full of body parts just hanging out, you can get some things done. When you're not drinking or pouring bleach into the young brains of a young Latino man, you can schedule some stuff. At least he wasn't racist. We can say that about Dahmer. Yeah.

We support that 100%. That's true. That's true. God, Jesus. Terrifying. Yeah, it's weird just how serial killers all kind of have their own different little thing. And his was kind of just, I think, an obsession with the human body. Yeah.

Just like dissection. Yeah. They said there was a story when he was a little kid. A couple birds died in their backyard. And he was just obsessed with sifting through the bones and stuff like that. Which as a parent, what do you do? You're like, well, boys will be boys. He's like bathing himself in pigeon blood.

I mean, I don't know how he's bathing himself in pigeon blood. He's deep frying the pigeons and serving them at the fair. I put Oreos in the pigeons pop he's the one serving those worms well it's you know i do remember even even to this day if you really looked closely at my personal life you might be like this guy might be a serial killer like the stuff that i was into when i was a kid you know that like my parents didn't know about like what uh like eating people no like uh you know just like how else are you supposed to get your protein that's why you go body like i think they really didn't have any idea how violent the serial killer movies i was watching were you know just like the conversations you'd have with your friends

and like yeah pictures you draw and stuff like kids are obsessed with violence and gore oh yeah like the uh the amount of like toy guns that i had and like playing army and stuff like essentially i'm going in the woods and killing made-up people you know what i mean yeah that's like all you do when you're a boy is just kill imaginary people all day because you just see it in a movie like fucking yeah the terminators the shit so yeah i would go in the woods behind my house with like a fake m16 and then like an uzi straps my back and i'm like killing made-up people well he's a good boy i mean it is it is natural like for boys to you know at least i mean we're like engineered to be doing that to each other but like yeah these days can fake it i guess it is a weird release too like if you just go out like it to be doing that to each other but like yeah these days can fake it i guess it is a weird release too like if you just go out like it'd be weird if an adult did that it was

like they're like pretending to shoot a lot of i guess that's what paintball and yeah i bet you a lot of adults want to do that and i think i might kind of want to do that i mean that's kind of what like video games and stuff yeah video games for sure and then i guess when you get too, you can just go to a shooting range and actually shoot the gun and stuff. But it is kind of fun to go out in the woods and roll and pretend you're sniping somebody. I did have the experience a week ago where I started smashing dry branches off of a tree with a stick. That's kind of fun. And I was like, oh, this is fucking awesome. Dude, smash it. I wanted to do it a lot but i looked so infantile yeah yeah it is like it does

sound white trash but smashing shit is fucking awesome i remember the papa roach video for uh broken home oh yeah and they it seemed like they all they like the uh the video was that they're in a house and like the it seemed like towards the end they all got to smash one item and i remember the drummer he threw his bass drum through a glass coffee table and i was like fucking yeah i want to do that so bad there is something about just like just smack like uh yeah i just want somebody to put together a whole set of stuff that i can just smash one day yeah maybe we could start a business where it's just that would be fucking awesome i think about it like if you just bought like a bunch of cheap crap yeah somebody pays you to just come destroy it all yeah wow i think we just came up with a

really good idea i think we could do that too i mean because you could just buy a bunch of cheap shit from like goodwill right yeah or maybe even work out at like a deal with them like hey we're gonna take this much shit give us a flat rate of like 300 bucks yeah i bet you get so much smash let's fill up this cart or just dude even just around my house like you know how many like old tvs i have that don't work yeah like laptops yeah nobody uses and people have left there from years ago yeah you just give somebody a bat and they just go nuts we should have a smash party uh michael i will say the kids, they call sex smashing. Yeah, I have noticed that. I was told by a younger gentleman to, quote, get my smash on last week.

Oh, there you go. And I was also. Was it Jeffrey Dahmer? No, it was not. He is dead, R.I.P. J.D. Someone else, some like Towson kid that I was driving used the term smashing. Yeah. Get your smash on.

Was that how he was leaving? Was he like, all right, man, get your smash on. All right, get your smash on. Keep fucking. Hey, it was nice to meet you. Get your smash on. Keep fucking. Well, we could have both. We could have a smash.

We could break a bunch of shit And then we'll have sex with each other I have to poop So let's take a quick break It's a fecal matter It sure is Wow, we're like ladies Our cycles are synced up

Our poop schedules are one and the same That's gotta be the worst part about jail oh the open toilet sitch yeah i mean you're in a cell with like three two other guys and then your toilet's just like right there that must be a fucking nightmare yeah i guess there's uh i guess there's an etiquette eventually it's like i won't make eye contact with you don't make eye contact with me that would be the least of my worries it would stink constantly like how do you get anything done when they're just like and that's just your own cell like you're surrounded by other guys constantly doing that too that are wide open yeah it's not like they can close the sliding glass door like

sorry about that everybody that was me uh the uh catfish tacos didn't agree with me today. It must just stink all the time in jail. Yeah, sure. Unless, I don't know, if you can hold it. Is there like, I guess there's no private bathroom. Sometimes there is. Sometimes there's like, you know, like if you go out in the courtyard or something, there's like bathrooms. Oh, I would save my poops for then.

Probably. I've heard that like they sometimes will refer to the handicap stall as the Cadillac. Oh. It's like the only place you can get any privacy. Yeah. A lot of guys jerk off in there. Jerking off in the Cadillac. I like the, at work, I definitely have some nice bathroom scoped out that I will, if I

have to poop, I'll walk a little bit further. I'll go to a whole different building. You'll go a long way for a comfortable poop. I will. You can't put a price on that. You really can't. A comfortable poop is manifesto. Huh?

Before we wrap this thing up here, before we went poop, you mentioned to me, Michael uh something about a bb gun ah yes the bb gun where do i begin what an invention um and in 1942 my name's bb now um invented by bb king bb king's brother bb Yes, because that's how brothers' names work. They had the same first name. Yeah, there's Deepak Chopra, then there's Tupac Shakur.

Chopra Shakur. I actually had a funny experience with that once, too. Back when I didn't hate Deepak Chopra, I actually was listening to an audio CD of his, and I told someone that it was Deepak, and I tried to explain who he was, and the person thought I said Tupac, but he still thought I was explaining who Tupac was in my own kind of way. He was a philosopher.

Yeah, I think that was the word I used. And the guy's like, yeah, I guess so. I guess, yeah. Okay, but anyway, a few years ago, my good friend Chris's brother came over to the house bearing a newly bought BB gun. I'm just picturing Deepak

rapping Deepak lines now, by the way. And Deepak talking about pseudoscience and physics. Because I fucked your bitch. You fat motherfucker Yeah Nothing funnier than people with foreign accents

Why don't they sound like us? What's their deal? Oh yeah So okay we got this BB gun And we just went to town in the backyard Just shooting stuff What is it like a rifle pump action? Yeah

And it soon got to the point where we were setting up contraptions uh like we bought lighter fluid imported everywhere and then set a candle up and tried to like shoot the candle so it would fall into the lighter fluid and like burn this box up oh that's kind of cool yeah it didn't really work no uh did you knock it over or yeah i think so but i don't think it really it just you know's kind of cool yeah it didn't really work no uh did you knock it over or yeah i think so but i don't think it really it just you know it kind of like went out or like didn't light or something gotcha gotcha um and we uh but the weird thing was like we after a while we we were like shooting it off of the porch into the yard and uh this this girl who was there uh somebody shot the gun and then her

glasses exploded oh no like the the bb had ricocheted back and and like if she hadn't been wearing glasses she almost certainly would be blind in one eye now yeah did any like the the shards from her glasses get in her eye No, I don't think so. All right. She certainly had to buy new glasses, though. Yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure. Wow. Jesus Christ. Well, it was one of those fun days,

like one of those days where it just descends into like guys doing stupid shit, you know? Sometimes that's just the best, though. Yeah, we just are in the backyard for hours just like acting like total jazz, just like completely throwing away any intellect and just like being like, yeah, we're breaking stuff. Yeah, we're burning shit yeah we're shooting shit i think yeah that sounds like a good goddamn time yeah let's open up our facility the smash facility yeah i think

it'll be awesome all right let's uh let's let's do that um all right well let's wrap it up here thank you to everybody uh for listening. And we appreciate it. I don't know why I said it. Like, yeah, we appreciate it. No, we goddamn, goddamn it, we do. Thank you for listening. Come see us live. Come see a live podcast.

Come see some live stand-up, live improv. We got it all, huh? Yeah. And, yeah, make sure you rate and review us. Say hello on the Facebook page I want to get that going I want to get this community of dig heads I want it so bad

but yeah that's it everybody have a good week and we'll talk to you soon thanks everyone bye bye dig russian sessions coming to an end. We'll be right back. Is there like one guy that's just at the very top of everything that's just like won all of it? He's like, yeah, I'm totally content.

I think Kevin Hart, maybe. Probably him. I mean like of everything, not just comedy. No.