The Digression Sessions - Ep. 176 - Josh & Mike (@JoshKuderna & @MikeMoranWould)

Episode Date: December 28, 2015

This week on The Digression Sessions we have 0 guests but many things to discuss! Josh and Mike talk about what they do and don't like about a new film entitled Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Spoiler Alert: they like but don't love The Force Awakens. Don't worry it's not all nerd talk on this one as you DigHeads seem to really enjoy when the boys get down and dirty with the darker parts of their fragile psyches. Mike has a humbling story about being viewed as a "fake comedian" and Josh reveals more of his surprisingly sorid origin story. But there's plenty of laughs along the way!  Thanks for listening, all! Do us a favor and rate and review us on iTunes & Stitcher plz! Follow your boys, Mike & Josh, on Twitter and Instagram.  Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram Mike - @MikeMoranWould on Twitter The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook For live stand up and improv dates, check out - DigressionSessions.com/Calendar

hey everybody i'm josh kaderna and i'm mike moran and you're listening to the digression sessions podcast a baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers. Join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians, writers, musicians, and anyone else we find creative and interesting. Yes. Who's the guest this week? Take a look to see. Before I get started, is there still pornography on the internet?

Uh-huh. It's so... that's true and it's an affront to God who gave you that ability to get a boner so what are you supposed to do with an erection just say no thanks God sure and rock and roll God is a generous guy unless you're that job fella boy does he

not care for you too much i never got how that was the story of how cool god was job because this devil's like look man i'll make this guy hate you he's like oh yeah i'll make a bunch of terrible shit happen this guy i bet you he'll still like me let me put it into an analogy that we can all understand hold on does the bible do analogies not very well okay they're just real real obvious okay all right good did did you did you stick with metallica during the load years and reload and reload i'm familiar with the load years in the reload years i didn't own the albums but uh i needed fuel i needed fire sure give me what i desire exactly uh-huh that was that was like god testing you are you still loyal okay did you stick with him through the saint anger era now is metallica god in this analogy or metaphor? Well, in real life, for me, yes.

Right. So you're the guy that's been spray painting my basement. Metallica is God. We are Job. Uh-huh. Metallica is God. Right. They're testing us.

Testing you. Like, okay, they got haircuts. We can stick with them through this. It's okay. Well, you stick with them through the haircuts. Yeah. Through the electro remixes. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Through the power ballads yeah the power ballads the kind of poppier or almost more um what's the one where it was uh like it was like that real over the top it looked like an art project basically like they're kind of in hell until it sleeps yeah that one's awesome until it sleeps yeah i fucking love it i love that video and the song yeah i uh i i have to admit i am a fan of the the load albums that's fine to this day that's fine i just don't respect you no i uh i was never much of a metallica fan the first song i learned on guitar though was enter sandman really yeah never heard of it that main riff it's uh it's like a b-side i thought you were a fan i figured you'd have heard of it they just released it in um it was like uh not even a europe release it was like it was a european yeah like a weird cover

that you could find it like sam goodie in the like import section yeah yeah it was just a helsinki import actually only in helsinki i actually kind of thought Inner Sandman wasn't that great and was kind of disappointed that that was the one that people knew, you know? What about when he says boom? Boom! Well, of course, except for the boom, yes. Precursor to Here Comes the Boom by P.O.D., right? Right.

I consider it a spiritual sister. Certainly, certainly. Okay, Michael, let's get into it uh this is our first podcast after christmas um and that doesn't mean we don't have stuff to promote doesn't mean we don't have gifts for the uh for the dig heads uh let's see here let's see what's going on i think the first thing i want to promote is the show on January 8th at the Mercury Goddamn Theater in Baltimore. And that's where we're doing our improv stand-up mash-up show. You understand?

We're going to have three comedians. Three stand-up comedians. Right. Doing sets. A trilogy. Doing sets. Sets or sets? A little bit of both so sets that good uh so then uh yeah so they'll go up do their set they'll be paired with a improv troop and then

the improv troop will use their set as input for their set see that dramatic dramatic pauses that's what radio guys do i think you were thinking about how to not be redundant and did not figure it out you've kind of set me up yeah uh so yeah that's on the 8th and uh let's see what else i'll be in harrisburg i forget where on the 10th and then um on the 16th we'll be at the banff cafe which is right next to uh the mercury theater here in baltimore and that'll be at the Banff Cafe, which is right next to the Mercury Theater here in Baltimore. And that'll be at 1 p.m. When I say we, I mean me and Alex Broslowski are kind of doing like a morning show. At 1 p.m.

Good morning, America, at 1 p.m. version of Chuckle Storm. So it'll be like a talk show, but during the day. It'll be fun. Sure. We're going to have stand-up and music and all kinds of stuff. So come to that. And it's free. So're going to have stand-up and music and all kinds of stuff, so come to that. And it's free, so get a cup of coffee and have a good time.

And all these dates we are going to post on the Digression Sessions website, of course, digressionsessions.com slash calendar for all those dates. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram. I'm on both of those things, at Josh Kaderna, and the podcast is at DigSeshPod.

Michael, what would you like to promote? I would like to promote the cover band. We'll be doing some Ramones songs at the Sidebar on New Year's Eve. That sounds fun. Come on out. It will be fun. We have Dighead Ryan Murphy joining in. Dighead?

Yes. It's very close to Dickhead. Yeah. Dickhead. Gotta be careful with thathead. Yeah. Dickhead. Very, it's got to be careful with that one. Right. And then I'll be doing Zizimos in Hamden on the 7th at 9 p.m. Boom.

And then hosting the show on the 8th as well. Yes. Hell yeah. The mashup show. And you're on Twitter at Mike Moran Wood. You're damn right. You're goddamn right. All right.

Let's get into it. How was your Christmas, fella? My Christmas was good i think i have a gun to your head i had a good time it was good that christmas happened uh-huh uh any good gifts are you beyond the gift giving stage michael no no. As far as family? Yeah. Are you receiving gifts? Yeah. Yeah, we all give gifts. Okay.

We all give gifts. Gifts? A lot of cards. A lot of gift cards these days. That's fine. Sure. What are we talking? Gas?

Coffee? Nah. Amazon, iTunes. Amazon's good because you can basically get whatever the fuck you want. Right. Can you? Yeah. But just from Amazon, right?

Yeah, but Amazon has everything. Right. i can't like buy gas with it maybe i don't know see what ups does when you order gas i wouldn't be shocked if you could just order gasoline now probably could i wouldn't fucking doubt it order gasoline i really think so um but you got me a really good gift card for my birthday. That was like, just do whatever the fuck you want with it. Oh, yeah. Like one of those. I immediately threw it out.

It's your world. I burned it in front of you. Doesn't Metallica have a gasoline thing going on in one of their songs? Yeah, you're just singing it. What was it? Yeah, gasoline. Isn't that how he says it in there yeah from amazon prime you know it's the modern remix yeah no you get those uh just like a visa card

yeah it's awesome they're kind of a pain in the ass because sometimes you don't really spend like if it's like 25 or 50 you rarely spend that exact amount and then you just have a card with like $2.13 left on it that you don't want to use because you don't want to be like, oh, I'm going to pay in cash and then I'd like to put the $2.13. Why not? Isn't that exactly what you want to do with it? You do, but

and I do it too, but I feel like I'm being a nuisance with that. I think you should relax a little bit. Alright, fine. I don't know why I just almost mispronounced the word relax. You should fucking relax. I'm being a nuisance with that. I think you should relax a little bit. All right, fine. I don't know why I just almost mispronounced the word relax. You should fucking relax. I'm fine.

You should quit being a fucking cunt. How about that, Michael? I mean, when I was a cashier, I felt great when I could do something like that and pull it off successfully without getting a manager. Oh, God, it was the best. After two or three years at a place. Yeah, you just see that gift card coming out, and you're like, oh, no, I'm going to screw this up. Oh, God, it was the best. After two or three years at a place. Yeah, you just see that gift card coming out,

and you're like, oh, no, I'm going to screw this up. Oh, God. God, cashier anxiety is the worst. You get that? Yeah, totally. Well, you don't need it anymore, right? No, but I probably will soon. I'm probably going to have to do something like that soon, unfortunately.

Really? No more Ubering? I mean, I'll do both, probably. Okay. But Ubering just ain't sustainable. You should get a barista job. A place where you can get free coffee. That's what I would like, I think. Yeah.

But I'd probably have to Uber on top of that. Yeah, but then that's not too bad. I have a very simple life, but I'm obsessed with staying on top of my bills. You're a simple, simple man. Thank you. Keep going. You're basically retarded.

Very, very simple. Here's a ball. Would you. Keep going. You're basically retarded. Very, very simple. Here's a ball. Would you like to bounce it? Michael, I've got my keys. Jeremy's iron. What? Remember the palindrome game or whatever? Yeah.

Jeremy's iron. Genuine class. Anyway, okay. So, yeah, you're thinking about getting the coffee uh barista job yeah maybe but it's so fucking nice not working with anybody now i'm really kind of spoiled yeah but i don't i mean it's not like you'd be working with a ton of people i know like a coffee shop job yeah nothing wrong with that and then you get free coffee maybe some free food yeah not bad yeah sure okay all right how's the ubering going anything going on it's great i really love Not bad. And then you get free coffee, maybe some free food. Yeah. Not bad. Yeah, sure.

Okay. How's the Ubering going? Anything going on? It's great. I really love it. I wish I could just do it, but I can't. The ratings are okay? Yeah, the ratings are fine. I've noticed you kind of just level out.

It's more profitable to just kind of let it go down a little bit and just kind of stay there than to constantly be trying to get a five uh-huh yeah like for a while i was like obsessed with like making sure it was going up and like buying little snacks for my riders and like keeping the car spotless and like yeah if i felt like i had a bad ride then i turn in for the night so like you know uh but uh what would make a bet like it's like a bad set yeah nothing's here not nothing like that didn't open well my closer sucked right right just like you know if i missed a turn or something and like i apologize but the person's like yeah you know seems kind of pissed or whatever right right right which i usually compensate by being if i like make somebody a few minutes late i'll like

just like stop the ride now so it doesn't keep charging them you know oh that's nice but still yeah you get a four and it just like devastates everything jesus yeah yeah well don't be so sensitive about it yeah i think yeah just uh hey mike ride it out right but i've noticed it doesn't unless you really suck it doesn't go below a certain point yeah i mostly just give people fives i think i even the woman that I told you about that ran a red light and could have murdered me, I was like, four stars. I'll show her. You better think about that next time

you pull up to an intersection like that with the flashing red lights. Think about it. I do have an anecdote about, I guess kind of a bad set that I received last night or two nights ago. A bad stand-up set? Yeah, it wasn't a terrible, yeah, kind of a bad set that I received last night or two nights ago. A bad stand-up set? Yeah, it wasn't a terrible...

Yeah, kind of. Real quick, I want to tell one just in the half hour later. What did you want to say? I did a show. Every other week, I hosted this place, Ragtime in Arlington. I hosted a stand-up show there.

One of the guys that was performing he lives in la so he's back in town for the holidays so he had some friends and family come out which is understandable and then his uh uh he shows up and i get there a little early and i'm like there's a fucking toddler in the audience here and uh it's a little girl she's maybe like two or three i don't know and uh'm like, I hope she leaves before the show starts. Right. Not on her own, of course. She's not going to get on her big wheel and be like, deuces.

See you at home. But it's like, what the fuck? This isn't like a kid's show, you know? So what happened was his wife's friends were supposed to get a babysitter and then come to the show and they're just like well babysitter didn't show up so we just figure we bring a little alice i'm like why would you do that like what was your plan like oh we're gonna go see the new quentin tarantino movie babysitter fell through bring her anyway who gives a shit right so just during my set like mostly as i'm hosting like like they're right up front and they're

like, no, we're cool. You can cuss. And I'm like, yeah, I can. But there's like a fucking baby two feet from me. You said it like that? Yeah. A fucking baby. Yeah.

And it was just awkward too because it's like, yes, I can say what I want. But every joke she's like, yeah, yeah. And like kind of like fussing about and because her dad's holding her like this is so goddamn distracting so luckily they left and then um and my set was okay but it was mostly just like kind of dealing with what was going on there so i was just trying to like set the table for everybody else and uh somebody went up and they were they didn't know that they had left so they kept like asking like where's the baby and stuff and uh some other people came in and then they were sitting where the people that left were and uh i was like oh you guys might be confused they're talking about a baby there's a baby here but uh we ate it and it was just like a dumb like it's

supposed to be like a throwaway thing got like zero laughs and i was just like well here's the next guy i didn't i don't know why i mean honestly it's not that funny of a line but i wasn't like this is gonna crush you just want to like a little rumble just a little bit of a chuckle to kind of keep things moving and uh not on board with eating a baby joke yeah i i'm still not i feel like the best thing to do in that situation is just to move on right away. Unless it's really obvious. But for a throwaway line like that, where it's not like you're building up and building up and then a punchline. You guys want to know?

I'll tell you. Hold on, man. Hold on. But I'm so bad at that because it just hits me in the gut so hard. No matter what. It's just like, oh, God. Yeah, because you kind of have to walk the line of like all right i know swing and a miss but that's okay i'm still

fine yeah because the crowd just wants to know that you know what you're doing you can't just be like oh anyway uh okay so tell me about uh your set oh, yeah. So I had, I mean, it wasn't anything. The set itself wasn't something I, you know, it was that big of a deal. But, like, I guess a year ago I did a Christmas employee party at the auto bar, just like a little, like, 10-minute thing. Uh-huh. And it was just, like, awkward. You know, it wasn't, like, horrible or anything, but it was just.

Yeah, holiday parties can be weird. Yeah. Yeah. And it was just, like, you know, the guy who announced me just kind of like, instead of getting everybody's attention and being like, hey, he was just kind of like, so we're going to have a stand-up comedian real quick. We're going to have Mike Moran. Dude, I had the same thing.

Same thing a couple weeks ago. And so I go up and it was just a little awkward. It was just people talking and not knowing what the fuck was going on. But there was people that were into it and it was fun or whatever. But yeah, they think it's like when a band plays. Like, oh, we can still carry on our conversation, not knowing that a comedian needs full attention for this thing. Yeah, yeah.

Good. And just nobody knew I was coming. And also another factor was there was some live boy band tribute that they all love from Dundalk. Okay. There's a boy band tribute band from Dundalk. They come and they do the dances and they sing the songs to the CD. Dundalk Boys? Party Pizza or something. Okay.

And it's pretty awesome, honestly. It's just four regular guys not very attractive, dressed in street clothes, doing all the dance moves perfectly and singing. Is there choreography and everything? Yeah. It's pretty fun. Maybe we'll get the pizza boys on the show.

Dude, we should. That'd be fun, actually. If we do another live podcast, we should get them to open it. Yeah, totally. That'd be fun actually yeah um if we do another live podcast we should get them to open it yeah totally that'd be a good opening uh so everybody was excited about them and the big secret of the night was i think they weren't gonna come but then they found out they could come and so everybody's so everybody's like bummed that they're not coming yeah but the secret is that they're really gonna come and there's's whisperings and rumors about it, but they get me instead. They're probably pissed about that.

But they eventually did show up. Yes. This is what the person said to me the other night when she met me. She was like, oh, I remember you. Weren't you that fake stand-up comedian? Fake? Yeah. Who opened for pizza party or whatever and then she was like yeah weren't you like part of the joke like oh no we have this bad

stand-up comedian no they're really here god yeah I mean I don't know if she said bad but she was like weren't you part of the joke? Like, oh, we have this guy. No, they're really here. I was like, no, no, that was that was real. You're talking while you have a gun in your mouth. You know what? I don't think that would be me. Like, yeah. Yeah, it was awful.

Like, it was on fire. The set of like, can you imagine if we book this shitty stand up instead of the people we wanted? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it was already hard. I mean, not that I, you know, I can look back on shows like that and be like, whatever. You know, it's not that huge a deal. Well, yeah, because that's not really a stand-up show. Right, right. It's not like, it's not really geared.

Like, you have to measure that on a different scale. Right, right. Like, it's not like you're set up to kill. Yeah, and it ended up like being fun or whatever because it's just like, when you realize there's like little groups of people that are into it, you just kind of like cater to them and it's fine you have to yeah yeah but uh yeah it's just like god i'm already like feeling bad enough about my stand-up career like right i'm now being seen as a fake comedian and it's one of those things where she's not trying to insult yeah she really wasn't i did kind of feel bad that i like clearly was like

offended you know yeah which which can make it worse. I tried to laugh it off, but I was kind of like, what? Yeah, yeah. What were you supposed to? Oh, yeah, I'm terrible. Yeah, it was extremely awkward for both of us, too. And she was kind of like, oh, well, it wasn't you. She was just like, we just couldn't really hear you.

That's all. Yeah, that's what it was. we just we just couldn't really hear you that's all yeah yeah that's that's what it was i was like oh okay and then i and then i like it was pretty awkward because i just like kind of bad like i didn't even end the conversation i just kind of like slowly backed away you know and like disappeared like homer homer leaving flanders yeah it's just kind of a flanders event you just sink into the bushes right yeah yeah it was kind of like that and and the woman i was with was was kind of like like i think she knew how awkward it was and was just kind of like all right you know what we should probably go we were leaving soon anyway but she's like roll out the front door yeah basically yeah yeah so yeah no those insults the ones that aren't

intended to be insults always cut oh yeah deeper than the ones like if she would just like you suck you'd be like fuck you right right she's like oh man you were like it was cool that you were the terrible guy you're like no i'm not the terrible oh man but you weren't really set up for success either when they're like hey guys the people we want to see aren't going to be here but here's this guy yeah i mean i wouldn't i wouldn't you know i don't take it like seriously personally or anything but like they don't know either like one year finazzo and i did speaking of dundalk we performed at the christmas party of the mva in dundalk yeah employees and uh they had their uh party it's sort of like an elk's lodge kind of thing in towson and so we show up and uh there's a guy that works there uh that works at the nba he's like kind of

djing and stuff and he was our contact person so we go in there he's like oh hey hey what's up guys and like kind of like quiet kind of like shepherds us over to like a corner and he's like oh it's good to see you good to see you okay so we're gonna have you guys go on at like seven but here's the thing and he like leans in they don't know they're gonna have a comedian perform and you're like he expects you guys to be like yes yeah exactly it's like oh yeah and then so it's we're doing the thing like you were saying we have to like fake and be like oh man cool thank you which is because he doesn't know he's not trying to sabotage us but surprise comedy is one of the worst fucking things you can do yeah that's why it open mic you go to with like the tvs are still on and there's no announcement

like hey by the way it's like you thought you're gonna talk to your friends but guess what listen to these assholes yeah yeah so that's totally how it was for us, where it was just like this uphill fucking thing where there wasn't terrible, but it was just like the guys like, all right, I hope you're having fun at the one night of the year where you can drink and talk and hang out. And you thought it's like, but anyway,

here's two comedians you've never heard of that you have to pay attention to. And the whole room is set up with circular tables. So half the audience already isn't facing you you know what i mean so you have to like fight for their attention and they're doing the thing where they're like turning around over one shoulder and pay attention for like half a joke and you're hoping your soul doesn't just like fully erode right by the time you're done but uh and the worst is like when they whisper something to each other and then laugh. He's stupid.

He's stupid. But it actually ended up being fine. Did I talk about the thing that me and Ramin Mostafavi did in Philly? I don't think so. The corporate event. So we did stand up for Dave LaSalle. You know him, right? You know the old Dave LaSalle. Oh, yeah.

From the Baltimore Improv Group. His brother, a company that he works for in Philadelphia, they wanted to have comedians at their holiday party. So I was like, sure, let's do it. So Dave first messaged me about it and messaged his brother. And I was like, yeah, we'll have you do an hour. And I was like, I can't do an hour. So I was like, let, we'll have you do an hour. And I was like, I can't do an hour. So I was like, let me bring my friend, my friend, Ramin.

So I did 25 and then he did about 40, 45. But the thing is, it's at 10 in the morning in a fucking ballroom in a hotel, in a double tree in King of Prussia. Just imagine if you had to do a fucking hour for that. I know, I know. But yeah, it was weird, weird too because we drove overnight to go because we're just going to stay at the hotel because to get there at 10 in the morning driving from maryland would be ridiculous in the morning so yeah we just took uh yeah we just went overnight got a hotel room and i think we ended up getting there at like two going to bed at four and then

you wake up and get coffee and then entertain these people for their holiday party. Yeah. And they're dressed all nice. And the way the guy was bringing me up was just kind of, not Dave's brother Brian, who was actually really, really cool, but they had a guy up there, I think, just kind of going over their year like, well, we had a strong first quarter,

and I feel like in the fourth quarter, we're going strong and now comedy from josh and rami and i was like like i had like i was like eating eggs from the buffet i was like oh yeah so i just went up there and uh i don't know they were cool so i just kind of like eased into it so i had my coffee and it was kind of one of those things where where we talk about the podcast we have where you just wake up or kind of more fun because you're a little loose right right so it's sort of like that i was like all right round of applause for this guy round of applause for that guy and just kind of joking like what if that was my whole set so that got a good laugh like me just being like and how about you because they all have name tags it's like ted let's hear for teddy and i was like all right guys let's get this fucking show started huh comedy at 10 in the

morning and uh they were on board there was just one joke where uh my my bit about carlene where i say black don't crack and uh there's only one black person in the room and uh and no one like their buttholes got so tight and it's's like, okay, all right, you guys never noticed that? Okay. Because it's a different dynamic when you're joking for, well, also like if like a mixed audience, but a different dynamic of people that work together. So like you don't want to be the guy that laughs at the anal joke. It's like, Jesus, Jim's a weirdo. He must be into that anal stuff.

Yeah. Explains why he's divorced. So, yeah, they just don't want to seem insensitive. They're like, no, I've never noticed. So, afterwards, I was talking to Brian, and Brian was really cool. He's like, man, I should have paid you guys hazard pay. That's fucking rough. But, no, the sets were good.

You just have to look at them on a different scale. Yeah, definitely. And I was like, hey, man, sorry I said black don't crack. He's like, oh, that's okay. I think the bigger problem was when he said poontang. Okay, fair enough. Fair enough. It's weird how you and I are just so relatively clean

compared to so many other comedians and non-offensive. But then if we do one thing that's like crossing the line a little bit yeah it's it's true though it's it's your character yeah kind of in the episode that andy haynes was on um i think our last episode before this one it's weird uh you got to think about branding now and like what the audience like as soon as you get up there they're already like yeah this is this guy yeah i think they this box. Yeah, I think they always assume I'm the nerd guy. Yeah. They think I'm going to tell Star Wars jokes or something.

Yeah. Which we'll get to at the end of the podcast. We have a whole lot of them. And I think if I say something that's jokingly racist or whatever, people are like, is this guy some sort of Nazi eugenics? We're okay all right charles manson where did that come i think everybody assumes i'm intelligent because i'm tall and have glasses and white and white yeah so it's like if i if i you know like if i was like a

bad boy comedian i could like say something racial and people would be like oh he's just dumb he's a bad boy but like for me they're probably probably like, he's probably read Mein Kampf. What if you get hosts to bring you up as Mike, the bad boy of comedy, Moran? That was my joke for a while. Did you ever? Yeah, I used to. My opening line for a while was, how come no one ever introduces me as bad boy Mike Moran? And then one of the hosts did it. And I came up and I was like, how come no one ever introduces me as bad boy Mike Moran. And then one of the hosts did it. And I came

up and I was like, how come no one ever introduces me as bad boy Mike? You didn't just roll with it? You're like, man, you've seen these pussies nowadays. They be shaving pussies. Damn, bitch. That's my catchphrase. The whole crowd goes nuts.

I'm going to stand up. Stand up. Sit in a movie theater for like eight hoursase The bad boy of comedy Gets a stiff back if he sits too long That's sciatica The bad boy of comedy The bad boy of sciatica Man I'm gonna fuck you up if my back's okay Let me wear my heating pad for a little bit

We should do like the bad boys of yoga tour. Man, he doesn't even do child's pose. He just goes right through it. What a bad boy. Damn. Talking about a downward dog. Namaste with me, y'all. It's going to get pretty dirty.

Okay. Let's talk Star Wars. Let's get into it. Sure. It's a little indie picture. Yes. The Force Awakens. Oh, I thought we were talking about the Clone Wars. No. The CGI movie

that came out in 2008. No, Michael. No. No, we're not. Sorry. The latest incarnation of the Star Wars. Of the Star Wars. Of the Star Wars. Yes. What's your thoughts? What be your thoughts you know I as of right now I'm kind of underwhelmed yeah I I don't uh I don't know it didn't really blow me

away it was like fine you know it definitely the look of it I I was mostly impressed with it was better than those prequels but like all the story stuff aside with the prequels, the look of it just kind of was lame. You know, just like super CGI, everything fake, you know. Uh-huh. And this one was much more organic looking. Yeah, they integrated puppets well and stuff in the CGI. Definitely.

Yeah. Although I did think that that giant evil lord looked kind of shitty. Oh, yeah. I think he was kind of supposed to though because he was a hologram. He was a hologram. Yeah, I guess so. Oh, yeah. We think he was kind of supposed to, though, because he was a hologram. He's a hologram. Yeah, I guess so. Oh, yeah. We should just say spoilers.

People have probably seen it by now. We're going to get into it. Yeah, I liked. I thought visually it looked really cool. Cinematography was cool, but there's just certain stuff. And maybe I'm just being too hard on it because it is like a fun sci-fi movie. Yeah, well, it's like the biggest movie ever i think yeah but but uh so yeah let's let's just nitpick it from the beginning my my thing um with uh with the fucking uh like finn and the the pilot the pilot for the

resistance i'm blanking on his name um the guy the guy helps escape yeah so they're escaping and it's just like it's like a like a little kids show it's just like what's your name you know what i'm gonna call you finn and now you're my best friend ever like yeah and i like you too yeah it's like what the fuck's happening here yeah a little like forced character development yeah just like right away yeah it's all right it's a little cheesy um i don't i i don't understand uh why the uh the resistance no not the resistance the what are what are the bad guys in this one uh they have a new name i can't remember i fucking forget whatever it is i just saw it like an hour ago. I know.

Whatever they're called. Let's call them Darthies. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Michael. Jesus Christ. Darthies. I didn't even think of it. Oh, this is 2015.

Well, they are part of the dark side. Jesus Christ. I didn't name them that. Well, I did, but I didn't name them the dark side. Whew. Okay. Oh, my God. I didn't name them that. Well, I did, but I didn't name them the dark side. Whew. Okay. Oh, my God. I didn't even realize it.

Yeah. Racism just flows through you, huh? Let's talk about the dark side. The Darthys, if you will. The evil Darthys. They ain't got no video cameras in there? Any surveillance cameras? When Rey's running around, they're like, we got to find her.

I don't know where she is. They're like, okay, well, let's just walk in every room kind of aimlessly. That's the weird thing about a movie that is based on what people in the 70s thought the future would be. Right. You know what I mean? Because the plans to find Luke would just be in the cloud. Yeah. That's another thing, too, about Luke.

It's like they had a 200-piece puzzle, and they had 190 pieces of it. And they're like, oh, what are those final 10 pieces? Right. And then R2-D2's like, oh, it's right here. They're like, oh. It's just like a bathroom or something. Yeah. It's just something stupid, like the puzzle. They're like, oh, it's an eagle.

You know what I mean? It's like, yeah, we already knew what it was. You probably didn't need those 10 pieces. They had the whole fucking thing. Well, now it's shaded. Oh, okay. I get it. I get it.

And the, yeah, so like Kylo Ren, Rilo, what's his name? Rilo Kiley, the Han Solo and Leia's son. Oh, I don't know. Trent Reznor. Emo Darth. Adrian Brody. Emo Darthy. He tells his overlord, he's like, Han Solo's here.

He's close. I can feel him. And then when Ren or Rey or whatever. MC Ren. Yeah, is running around. the chick that with the force is running around on the same base he's like ah i don't know where she is it's like you can feel that your dad's like on the same goddamn planet but then when she's in the same building as you he's like well maybe he has a connection with his dad because yeah but the whole thing is like the

force so like she can i mean obviously she has it too. I don't know. Just no video cameras either. It seems like in that universe, like, you know, the force works like when it's convenient. Like if, because like otherwise, wouldn't they just know everything and like feel everything all the time? Yeah. And be able to like convince anybody to do anything, you know? I guess that's what the Jedi masters do.

I guess so. But why, where is there a conflict then if they can just do that, you know? I guess that's what the Jedi Masters do. I guess so, but where is there a conflict then if they can just do that whenever they want? Well, if somebody's really good at the bad stuff, somebody's really good at the good stuff. You know what I took issue with? Sure. So, like, these stormtroopers.

They got a black fella flying an X-Wing. There's no colored people flying X-Wings. No. So, the stormtroopers are are like, in this one, they're humans that were forced to be stormtroopers by the Empire. They're basically child slaves. Yeah. And the resistance blows up. Yeah.

So we're supposed to be okay with them killing everybody? It was a lot easier when they were clones, you know? Yeah. Yeah. But like, so, yeah. Awesome. That was weird. No, it is weird, too, because they're like, you know? Yeah, yeah. But like, so, yeah. That was weird. No, it is weird too because they're like,

whew, man, it's a good thing we're the good guys and we murdered all those child slaves first to be soldiers. Yeah, there's that and then just blowing up the Death Star for the third time, basically. But they're like,

but this time it's bigger. But it still has the same fatal flaw as the other ones like what how many times no it didn't it was it was a little bit different the first one was like a vent shaft or something yeah and they just shot missiles down it and that's pretty much what they did this well no they lowered the shields yeah and then they shot the one they shot the one place uh that would blow it up right you know who knew about that the fucking janitor like that guy when he's like he's like oh i know where its weak spot is how do you know how yeah okay right why would they even tell stormtroopers

that like couldn't a jedi easily get the the info from a stormtrooper yeah i guess but apparently not every stormtrooper knows just the super important ones that are janitors sure you know and well maybe it's you know like in the breakfast club the janitor says i am the ears of this school i am the eyes and the ears of this school i read your notes you don't know but i do so you think those are in the same universe yes okay okay fair enough that's a good point i didn't know that i stand corrected but actually the breakfast club and ferris bueller are in the same universe okay okay fair enough that's a good point i didn't know that i stand corrected but actually the breakfast club and ferris bueller are in fact in the same universe and set in the same school which are all prequels to star wars yes got it got it um now um what else did i want to complain about this movie i don't like how easily everybody

can use a lightsaber either like they're just like like it took Luke, who is like the baddest dude in like all of the universe, the chosen one. And he had to practice for years and wear a goddamn puppet on his back. But yet everybody's just like, oh, I got a lightsaber now. Yeah, but they probably weren't like masters of it. I mean, both of the people that used it had the force in them, right? Finn, I don't know if he does. I'm guessing i think finn has a little bit of force you think so that sounds a little force and finn you think he stole it well jedi i don't know he probably has a lot of midichlorians um the black people can't have the force josh hey i'm just saying i mean i guess it's a new era

you know back in my day we kept things separate i think it's like a sickle cell type of thing oh my god uh what was i gonna say oh did you know sickle cell they think is um that it comes from uh uh trying to the body trying to form immunities to uh malaria really yeah wow interesting yeah uh anyway uh side note quick digression there oh uh one thing i wanted to point out was it like an intentional misdirect to think that the bad guy was luke like were they trying to make everybody be like oh i know what's going on here yeah well yeah so there there's that too and then the very ending pissed me off too where it's like do you want to hear luke talk well we'll see in 2017 nerds and bring your fucking wallets yeah fuck you yeah that seems to be how they're marketing

movies these days like it's not just one like they have to set it up for more yeah i think they're doing a whole new trilogy. Yeah, they are. They're setting it up. But it's just annoying. The ending is just Luke with his fucking hood. Huh? Beard.

Huh? Boo? Huh? Credits. Okay, why do they always have to do this in action movies? When they land the Millennium Falcon in the desert, and it kind of crash lands, it's like, oh, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

And then it has to almost go off a cliff and just stop there. What's the point of that? It doesn't go anywhere. It almost flew into that fucking... So it's just another thing that's pretty implausible that happened. And, you know, it's like... It serves no purpose.

Sure it does. They could have died, you know? Yes. It's like, how many times does that have to happen? A lot of times. I mean, we're on our fucking seventh Star Wars movie. I'm surprised it didn't, like, fall off the side. And then, like, at the last second, they shoot, like, a harpoon up. And, like, catches it and dangles.

Spider-Man catches him. Yeah. Like, gotcha. Fuck, what did I want to say? Oh, yeah. So, the force thing is annoying like the uh the the emo darth vader he's been training his whole life basically in the ways of the force his lightsaber he studied with luke skywalker the greatest jedi of all time

arguably all right well you know i that there was y was Yoda. Yeah, yeah. I mean, but then Yoda trained Luke, you know? Right. So anyway, the baddest dude, Luke, is training emo Darth Vader. And then he goes to the dark side, and some would say his powers get even better. Right. Then all of a sudden, he's facing this girl who's had the Force for like two seconds. Yeah. And they're pretty much equal.

Right. Well, maybe she's like some sort of Jedi savant like Luke was. I guess, but even Luke had to had a train like for a long time well michael i don't know i do think it's unfair how some people get like extra lightsabery stuff you know like he has like the crucifix lightsaber yeah yeah it's like an old school sword that kind of like guards you a little bit yeah the fuck yeah well i don't know i think his is homemade i think right i don't know uh so that was my complaint there and uh uh good friend of the show listener of the show ryan cornwell pointed out that they couldn't afford any type of railing in these like super long walkways above like oblivion yeah don't they

always kind of do that in Star Wars it's so ridiculous like I was just weird joking about like the engineer and like the blueprints and stuff like what the fuck is this in real life that phenomenon seems to exist for whoever makes the subways like why is there no railings

like when you're getting on the car yeah well because it would block you to get on the car not if they're just open where the doors are But I don't think they stop at the same spot every time Even still you think they would think of something That doesn't just leave a big open pit Where certain death is imminent Within like a few feet

It's not that big of a pit It's a pretty big pit and it's full of electronics that will kill you And a train that will crush you Yeah but the same as It's for like saying when you're crossing the street, should every sidewalk have a fence? No, but I don't know. I just think we're so careful with everything in our society.

We're overly cautious. I don't think that's as close. And yet the subway is just waiting to murder all of us at any time. I don't think that's as close as the fucking- Pit to nowhere. Pit to nowhere in Star Wars where they're like, yeah, let's build this 100-foot walkway and zero railing. Well, was it supposed to be a walkway, though, or are they just using it as a walkway?

What would it be doing? I don't know. It's just a bar supporting, I don't know. No, it's a walkway, dude. You think so? Yeah. All right, well. I'm just saying.

It's like, oh, no railing here. Not like the railing would have helped with what happened. And when you find out that Han Solo was Kaiser Sosa. Also, I think them killing Han Solo was totally just, why am I blanking on his name? Harrison Ford being like, I'm not going to do three movies. And they're like, okay. Apparently he's wanted to die for a while in the movies.

I was glad you finished that with in the movies. He actually, he seems like one of those guys can be a total dick. Like I've heard him, like when he was on The Nerdist, he was just very kind of prickly. Just kind of. Seems like kind of seems like it but he had a decent sense of humor jimmy kimmel did a really good bit with him a few years ago with uh chewbacca was in the audience and uh they made it seem like chewbacca uh had an affair with harrison ford's wife and harrison ford just played it like completely straight it was just really great so chewbacca is just talking in his language and harrison ford's like that was my wife you son of a bitch and i'm like oh uh so yeah it was it was okay but just a little little

too many a little too much of uh like like yeah this could have like of course she's super good at it like the same rules just don't apply to everybody and then just blowing up the death star again it wasn't called the death star then just blowing up the death star again it wasn't called the death star this time though what the death planet i mean they even made a point like we're supposed to life planet like we're just supposed to be like oh it's bigger so it's different yeah oh okay yeah cool right yeah yeah you think by now they'd kind of like learn that star wars fans i don't think necessarily want like a bigger is better type of thing going you know like they want intelligence i think we're in the minority though because everybody loved it like for the most part it seems like people

are like yeah it's good i mean i know i'm in the minority and i i think you are too as far as like not thinking star wars is the greatest thing that's ever happened yeah all right i mean how how big of a fan are you on a scale of i've seen all the movies but on the scale of episode one to return of the jedi what am i a phantom menace is that what you're a phantom menace or uh phantom menace to society you better believe it uh i don't it's okay i like them but i was never like yeah yeah that's that's where i am too like i'll watch them and they're like fine or whatever yeah i'll fantasize about fighting someone with a lightsaber in the bathroom with the plunger occasionally um but i don't get what

the big fucking deal that's only fair yeah there's people that go nuts for this shit it's kind of like radiohead yeah i like radiohead i like them but i don shit. It's kind of like Radiohead. Yeah, I like Radiohead. I like them, but I don't like- They have kind of become an institution. Right, right. Yeah, where people just fucking go nuts. I kind of feel the same way about the Beatles, too, I have to admit. Yeah, that's one of my musical blind spots for sure. I mean, I'm familiar with the catalog.

They're good, but it's just like I don't see why they're life-changing. Yeah, and I just don't know if that's because we've heard all the music they've influenced you know maybe and then so like when you hear it it's not as groundbreaking but why i don't think that's really a factor though as far as like music just being good like why would what came after it be a factor in that you know like because you taxi driver's still freaking awesome even though like a bunch of movies have copied it and like, but you're so, but it's still not like you're one of your favorite movies. I'm sure you'd probably prefer a modern movie.

What I'm saying is like the music that you, that you hear is so influenced by it that it's not as mind blowing as when it first came out. But, but should that really be the crux of what makes it great? Like, no, it's innovative.

Like it's always helpful, but that's not what's going to keep it classic. No, I mean, they're still good songs. I'm just saying, I think for our generation and younger people, it's just tough to identify. As you get further and further away from when it was first created. I don't know. You don't really hear too many 17-year-olds being like, Beatles, best Beatles of all time.

Dude, people our age and younger are obsessed with the Beatles. Who? Phil? Phil. Skibby? He's making up names. Phil, electronic drum set? Josh?

Josh Kajernensen? I love that guy. What did he say about the Beatles? Loved them. Loved them. what did he say about the beatles loved him what did he loves him what did he say yeah i i gotta give it more of a listen but uh the song tax man love that song like that song could be a fucking q and not you song taxi man tax man the movie we're just talking taxi driver tax man how does that go Cause I'm the taxman Pretty sure that sounds horrible

Let's see When the taxman Testifies Hold on Yeah Taxman By the Beatles You're thinking of a

Summer superhero film What What Yeah It's a fucking Yeah It's on Revolver It's a fucking awesome song

Well how's he go jesus christ i already told you tax man that's how it goes yeah but the drums are really cool and then there's a guitar part that's played in reverse and came out in 1966 i like uh you never give me your money what'd you say to me i like how you never give me your money let's come to this maybe the version i heard is different than that one josh put down that guitar and stop singing it back to the podcast that's how great i sound oh maybe uh maybe that's not what i'm thinking of maybe i heard a remix of it yeah have you heard a dj mouse or whatever yeah have you heard the remix of this oh yeah

rick ross on the track hold on i want to pause this because I want to find it. Hold on. That's the song I was thinking of. That's the song right there, Michael. You should have told me we were back on. Tomorrow Never Knows. No, it's a great James Bond movie as well. Yeah, Michael. You should have told me we were back on. Tomorrow never knows. No, it's great. It's a great James Bond movie as well. Yeah, exactly.

Anyway, yeah, it's tough for me to be like, oh, they're fucking great. I mean, because they are. They opened a lot of doors, but I'm not the biggest fan either. Like singing bassists. What do you mean?

Oh, yeah. Did you know of a singing bassist before Paul McCartney? Gene Simmons. Yeah, that's true. Uh-huh uh-huh yeah kiss performing black and white ed sullivan theater the early footage of kiss just they're like spitting blood on well-dressed men in the audience yeah they're like it's this they have short hair and like suits on but they have the makeup on you did go through a period where they cut their hair and tried to be like a prog rock band.

Oh, really? Yeah, they did like a conceptual album that had a storyline and stuff and was all sci-fi-y. Yeah. Yeah, it's ridiculous. Was that Psycho Circus?

No, no. I'm afraid not. Was that the prelude to Psycho Circus? Psycho Carnival? It was a prelude. Uh-huh. It was called

Music from the Elder. The Elder being a motion picture that was not made really oh yeah wow and the elder is different than the movie the kiss movie that they made where ace freely would stop showing up so they had a black guy yeah i've never seen that i i heard it was a disaster though apparently the band i don't know if it was released i guess so i mean i think it was a disaster, though. Apparently the band. I don't know if it was released. I guess so. I mean, I think it was a TV movie, but they released it on theaters overseas. Okay.

Because, yeah, I saw in the behind the music, they show footage of it. But I mean, how like Ace isn't showing up to film anymore. Like, all right, fine. We can get a million guys that look just like him. Right. Or this black guy. Yeah. They're wearing makeup

he not his hands and i think peter chris they had to overdub every one that's true put gloves on him at least i think they had to overdub peter chris's entire lines because he refused to show up to do the uh like overdubs or whatever and like he sounded terrible on it yeah so it's like someone else's voice just some guy like yes i think they would also re-record his drums in the studio without telling him oh my god yeah that's a pretty and he just like didn't notice for years that's a pretty big fuck you yeah he didn't notice he's like man i crushed it yeah listen to my vocals that has to be weird when he's leaving the recording studio. Alright, well, I guess we're out of here. We're just going to stick around and see if there's a thing. We're going to help clean up.

We're going to help. But you can go. What do you mean? Alright, well, I'll see you guys. How come our records always take a year after I'm done recording the drums? I don't remember playing strings on this, but apparently I'm credited. Wow. I'm a really good drummer. I don't remember playing strings on this, but apparently I'm credited. Wow. I'm a really good drummer.

I had no idea. I wrote half these songs. I had no idea. All right. Well, let's wrap it up here because I know you're tired. You're worn out from the Star Wars. Of this, yes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I am like abnormally tired. I mean, I'm always tired tired but i fucking need a nap yeah no i had that last night we did uh did christmas at uh at my dad's place and we ordered chinese food because they're all a bunch of jews and uh yeah no it was fun we got that and then i had a couple beers and then just eating chinese food coupled with like a couple beers and just kind of eating a ton. And juice. And the juice. They bring it out of you. They took my money and my soul.

So I was just very tired. So I was like, you know what? I'm just going to go to bed at like 8.30. No big deal. And then I woke up at 11.30 and then I was just up. And then that messes up the rest of my day because I wanted to record some music. I wanted to clean.

Do you get to fall asleep to podcasts? Do I have the privilege of doing that? Yeah, because when you're in a relationship, sometimes it's difficult. Yeah, you can do that. You can just put an earbud in. Yeah. But it's a little uncomfortable to sleep with an earbud, isn't it? Yeah.

Oh, so you mean just playing it from a speaker? That's one of the perks of being single. Uh-huh. All the podcasts I can handle. I'm like, oh, man. Really? I got to switch to that. That sounds good. of the perks of being single uh-huh it's just the podcasts i can handle like oh man really i gotta switch to that that sounds good yeah it's fucking awesome really so you just put it on the timer so it just turns off no i just let it play oh really i can't do that because i'll wake up yeah sometimes like you know if it's on stitcher or something it'll just keep going and sometimes i'll wake

up to like the weirdest shit and i have no idea what's going on oh yeah it'll play like it's like if you like this and you'll like yeah it always pairs me up with like the weirdest things yeah so i started having these like crazy dreams about like a political uh podcast about redistricting what is this um oh god one time i woke up to like the long version of the twilight zone song it was really creepy. Very unprofessional. It's my papa. Hey, Pop. Hello? Can I wake you?

No, I'm doing a podcast. Can I call you back? Do you want a barbecue tomorrow? Yeah, let's do it. Wait, is it supposed to rain? It doesn't matter. It's under the porch. All right, well, let's do it. I is it supposed to rain Well it doesn't matter It's under the porch Alright well let's do it

Uh I'll probably get tuna steak Okay You want me to pick up anything else No I got a steak Oh Okay good deal Unless you want

Unless you want a steak I'll thaw it out for you Ah Nah I have a show later that night I don't want to Shit my Shit my pants on stage Good idea Thank you though Yeah let Let's do it Okay No, I have a show later that night. I don't want to shit my pants on stage.

Good idea. Thank you, though. Yeah, let's do it. All right, I'll see you tomorrow, Pop. All right, bye. I like how his response to, I'm doing a podcast right now. You want to barbecue tomorrow?

He's like, I don't know what that means. I don't know what that means. He's a sweet guy. Love that guy. Him don't know. I don't know what that means. He's a sweet guy. Love that guy. Him and his brother wore matching. Yarmulkes? No. God, not collaborating.

What's the complimentary Christmas colors? Nice. And they said they did it accidentally, but my dad had a nice red shirt on, Johnny, my uncle, green. Red and green coming together. Well, I don't think that's beyond the sphere of coincidence on Christmas Day when that's what people wear. There's a conspiracy here, okay?

Shirts like that don't melt beams. You understand? 9-11. Controlled demolition. 9-11 here. I'm going to show Michael a picture real quick. If you follow my Instagram, you can see it look at that looks like they planned it

huh look at those look at those cuties they planned their haircuts as well oh boy hey don't you take shots at them

don't you take shots at them alright well let's let's wrap this up here alright cause I I want to do a little bit of music

and I have to do an improv show tonight and I haven't done improv in a long time. So, yeah. You better do some warm-ups. So, I better fucking just throw the sound ball around. Sure. You know?

Okay. What's a plug here at the end? Yeah. Go see the mashup show on the 8th. Go to that shit. On the 30th, too, I will be in D.C. at the Handsome Cock, which is a bar. too I will be in DC At the Handsome Cock Which is a bar And I'll be doing improv there

And yeah Go to that on the 30th At 8 o'clock That's free We got our mashup show Mike's trying to Get as far away from The recording table

Because he's farting Couldn't hold on to that For the next couple minutes Couldn't hold on to that I was courteous enough to walk away, Josh. I could have just stayed put. Don't walk back towards me. Stay in your fucking fart corner of shame, please.

But yeah, go to digressionsessions.com slash calendar. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram. I'm on both of those platforms at Josh Koderna. The podcast is at DigSeshPod. Michael is at Mike Moran Wood on Twitter. And you are on Instagram now. You're getting it now.

Yes. What's the username? I think mikemoranwood, but I'm not sure. You got to do that. Synergy. I'll check. You got to have synergy. Okay.

If it's not, look for Michael. Look for kissfan420. That's you, 365. And yeah, that's it. Thank you, everybody, for listening. Yeah, stuff has been crazy as of late with family and relationships for both of us. So sorry that podcasting has been infrequent. But yeah, my mom got back in touch with me, and that was always fun.

That's always a fun conversation. And yeah, so well, I hope the holidays were good for y'all. Have a good New Year's. Oh, my God, your fart is starting. You can smell it from there? Jesus. What do you mean? It's like five feet. I'm good New Year's. Oh, my God. Your fart is starting. You can smell it from there? Jesus. What do you mean? It's like five feet.

I'm like two houses away. No, you're not. Jesus Christ. I think you're placeboing this. Yeah, that's what I do. I want to smell a fake fart. That's what my brain goes to. I remember when there was that earthquake.

I didn't feel it for some reason. I tried to convince my coworkers that they were experiencing a mass hysteria. One person suggests it and then somebody else believes it. Uh-huh. There really was an earthquake. Yeah. Seismologists are faking it too because they don't want to seem weird. Yeah, we noticed it.

Yeah. All right, kids. Thank you for listening. We'll be back next week with somebody. If not, it's just going to be just Mike and I. Yeah. And my folks. All right. So this is Josh, Mike, and Mike Sparks signing off.

David Koechner, take us out. Dick Russian Sessions, coming to an end. Thank you. We'll be right back. Oh yeah, oh yeah