The Digression Sessions - Ep. 177 - Mike & Josh & Making a Murderer (@JoshKuderna & @MikeMoranWould)

Episode Date: January 7, 2016

Hola Digheads, it's another solo one but don't you worry the boys put the endless suffering that is there lives lately on hold and indulge in some very funny recent occurances! Seriously guys, this may be the funniest episode we have had in ahwile. Josh goes into graphic detail about his recent admission into the prestigious "Adults who have Shit their Pants while Sober Club" and the ensuing illness that was nice enough to accompany him to the ball. Also, Mike explains his recent "Uber ride that almost got porny" in just as graphic, but slightly less nauseating detail. Oh and we toss on an appendix as the boys couldn't resist screaming at each other over this "Making a Murderer" bussiness. Apparently Mike is the only person on the planet that thinks Steven Avery just plain did it. Thanks for the support DigHeads! A lot of you have told us that our recent revelations about our personal lives have been something you can relate to. That means everything to us!  Thanks for listening, all! Do us a favor and rate and review us on iTunes & Stitcher plz! Follow your boys, Mike & Josh, on Twitter and Instagram.  Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram Mike - @MikeMoranWould on Twitter The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook For live stand up and improv dates, check out - DigressionSessions.com/Calendar

hey everybody i'm josh kaderna and i'm mike moran and you're listening to the digression sessions podcast a baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers. Join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence. As we interview local and non-local comedians, writers, musicians, and anyone else we find creative and interesting. Yes. Who's the guest this week all right let's uh let's just let's get right into this fucker let's do it let's get right into this fucker right here bam right in the kisser no guest yes as you probably know by looking at the episode description sure it's just mike and i baby well i mean mean, maybe the reason they're listening to a podcast is they don't feel like reading.

Well, but how are they selecting it? Blindly? You'd be amazed what your phone can do for you these days. Really? Sure. That brings us to our sponsor of the week. Lazy fuck. Oh.

Yeah, the phone. Have you seen these things uh no just me josh kaderna my good friend mike moran and we've left a chair open for elijah yes he decides to show up sure elijah wood open invitation to elijah wood come on over buddy let's talk north bring that fucking ring bro yeah you know what i mean and Let's do it. Okay, so let's just promote. We got the mashup show this Friday. That's the big one that I want to promote for this week at the Mercury Theater. That is going to be 8 o'clock this Friday.

Yeah, 8 p.m., son. Friday, January 8th. We got three stand-ups from D.C. coming up. We got three troops from Baltimore. We'll be improvising off of their stand-up, their live stand-up. It's one of the funnest shows to do and to see. You're damn right. I really enjoy it.

I'm going to be doing some improv. You'll be hosting, maybe getting in the mix, doing some improv. Who the fuck knows? Anything could happen. Anything could happen. Maybe I'll do a scripted monologue. Whoa, whoa. Fine.

Listen. Maybe I'll decide it needs a third element. Bring it. And that element being my opinion. I hope so. A one-man sketch. Do it. Do it.

I know this. There will be blood. A lot of it. That's why we're giving out ponchos. I am doing a 40-minute performance art piece called A Man Who Sits. Uh-huh. Where we just pour buckets of blood all over you. Yeah.

Okay, good. It's a critique on the history of religion and politics. I love it. First nine rows, they call that the splash zone. Bring those ponches. Fucking A. Anything else, Michael?

Well, I'll be at Zizimo's on the 7th, the day before the improv stand-up mashup show. In Baltimore. Baltimore, Maryland. And that's about it for now. Should have a new article up sometime soon. Okay.

Somewhere. Cool, cool, cool. And I will be in Pennsylvania this Sunday and I forget where, but I think Hanover? It's a small state. I'm sure they'll just, you know. They'll figure it out.

If you really want to see me, go to the website, digressionsessions.com slash calendar. Yeah, let me Google that for you listeners. Yeah,

that'll have all the fucking details you need, all right? And you can follow us on Twitter. I'm at Josh Kaderna. The podcast is at Dig Sesh Pod.

I'm also on Instagram at Josh Kaderna. Michael Moran at Dick Seshpad. I'm also on Instagram at Josh Kaderna. Michael Moran is on Twitter. He is Mike. You like to feed me everything except for the actual. Mike Moran Wood. W-O-U-L-D. W-O-U-L-D.

Yes. W-O-U-L-D. Yes. L-D-S. L-D-S. Church of Latter-day Saints. Oh, my God. So find us, interact with us. We got a Facebook page.

Write and review on Stitcher and iTunes. If you're nasty, we appreciate it. So, yeah, just Mike and I this week. And we got some things to talk about. We do. And by things, I mean mainly one thing. Me and only me. I was a man who saw myself better than you.

Maybe not better, but different, Michael. A man who saw himself separate. Oh, you're ripping off my monologue now. Not necessarily equal. Yeah, just start throwing blood on me no Michael I was a man who walked around unscathed

I felt like I was favored maybe by a god who knows tough for me to say but I certainly felt like I was in the light of whatever force it may be you understand sure I knew I was a man just in the light of whatever force it may be sure you understand and sure i knew i was a man just like the rest of you mortal beings walking there of course of course i'm just like you guys

but there was something about me that was pure that i tended to favor and enjoy and what i'm talking about is never having pooped my pants sure yeah yet i come to you humbled broken weakened stinky a stinky covered in baby powder and apparently i wear i wear the scarlet no the brown letter now i wear a brown pea Chocolate powder and Febreze are your solution It's been like a week Pantsless Michael I have a confession to you And the listeners

For a long time I prided myself that feces Had not once Touched my underwear nor pants Much like man's fall from grace In the garden of Eden Of course Lucifer's fall from grace in the Garden of Eden. Of course. Lucifer's fall from heaven.

Or Icarus. Sure. I flew too high. Way too close to the sun. Yes. And I sharted while driving home from D.C. on I-95. Okay. Okay.

Let's slow down here. Yep. Let's paint a picture. Please. I'm sure that's what the listener wants. We'll be posting it on the Facebook page. Can we be a little more graphic? I'd love to see pictures. Check out that Facebook page, guys.

This is why we have it, okay? We'll be doing a 3D printing of it as well. In an art gallery show. Show up to that on the mashup show. It'll be in the audience. Okay, so let's define shart here in your situation, because that runs the gamut. Sure. From just a little sprinkling.

Yeah. A light. Dusting. Sure. Yeah. To. Sounds like weather. Just like we're going to have just a slight dusting of shart today.

Bring your umbrellas. Flurries or a blizzard? It was, you know, when you're driving and like maybe it rained the day before. Sure. It smells like worms. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah. There's dirt in the air.

When you're driving and like it's all clear clear but maybe you drive under a tree and that still has some residual drops on it on like a leaf or two and then it falls on your car just a couple droplets that's what we're talking about okay just okay it was a small small release okay uh now how much if we were to put this through a uh macaroni strainer, would there be any solid? Zero. Zero solid. Zero. Okay.

All right. Well, we're not doing too bad so far. Zero. Nothing to be ashamed of. Well, it was also predicated upon me having one of the worst vomit experiences I've ever had. Okay. One of the worst so i was driving down to dc um to do a show and um actually even before i left work i had like i felt a little something

in my stomach and uh i had eaten peanuts like an hour before and sometimes they do that the peanuts from the vending machine i think because they're super salty right my like my stomach's just trying to break them down you're eating peanuts from a vending machine yeah i'm a modern man okay on the go where do you get your meals huh i uh i stopped by peanut emporium look who's high and mighty now you saying i'm in the pocket of big peanut let's go to phil's peanut kebab i support local look over you have the monocle of the mr peanut guy um the uh yeah they're not always the best but the vending machine i try to look for what's quote unquote health sure and peanuts you know they got some protein in right right you go past the the honey

bun even though it's not covered in frosting right yeah it just has that weird like liquid on it at that point and like, it probably still tastes good. Right, right. And you find yourself in the peanut department. Yeah, I'm going past the Cheetos, the Fritos, the like fried peanut butter inside a cream cracker. I have a feeling you're feeling pretty good about yourself about this. I'm not feeling great because every time I eat them, as I'm eating them, I'm like, these are good. But then my body's like, peanuts i think it's just peanuts from the from

that's a little racist to me what do you mean what are you talking about in george washington carver invent the peanut yeah and well i mean let's look at him huh okay so are we talking salted unsalted honey roasted i think uh just dry roasted plain peanuts covered in fat back nope just salt and uh so it's just too much too much salt i think but i either way uh when i eat those i'm like no i feel a little something but never like oh sure but as i'm leaving work i was i was walking out to the parking lot and i had the feeling like don, don't throw up. Don't throw up in front of your coworkers. Right. You don't want to do that.

Even people that I don't really want to do that. I get that every day. As soon as you get there. Hi, Mike. Don't throw up. Do not throw up. Don't do it. Don't do it.

So I get to my car, and the feeling kind of subsides, and I'm like, okay. All right. That was kind of nothing. And then I'm driving, and then just when you get that feeling, that weird thing in your brain. Whenever something happens, like that weird fear thing, like you should get out of here, that type of thing. It's just like, you're going to throw up. I'm feeling that right now. That you should get out of here?

Yeah. Well, you asked. I'm telling you the story. So I had a grocery bag that I was carrying my lunch in that day, luckily. And then luckily it was double bag. So I had two bags and I just fucking throw up like all peanuts in this goddamn bag. Did you get the lunch out first? Or this is later in the day?

Oh, hold on. I think my friend Rudy. Just died on the floor? Yeah. Stumbled in with a knife in his back? Help. No, I think that's months of just going nuts up there rudy would text me um so yeah i just vomit like peanuts into this fucking thing it was just gnarly

and uh i felt a little bit of relief afterwards and i was like and i was like maybe like a half hour from dc and the show i was going to was a mashup show we were doing in dc and i felt bad because i kind of helped put it together like i booked the improvisers that were doing it so i felt responsible for the show so i was like i should try to power through and go um so like i'm feeling a little bit better just just for the relief like i was like okay maybe they're just like bad peanuts but um how does wait wait a second here how does where does the peanut go bad i didn't realize that was a food that can probably did it curdle like was it turning yeah i guess that's a good point i don't know like i just don't know if the factory like they just fell all over the floor and they're

like fucking bag them up still who knows like even then i don't think it would be like i mean how do peanuts i mean turn toxic was there like a grime but either way that spider's nest burrowed in one it ended up not being the issue yeah i'm just throwing up spider eggs like oh my god these weren't peanuts at all they were spider eggs and they've gone south um spider eggs are spoiled disgusting uh so so then uh uh it's like all right maybe i just i just need to go to the gas station like i was like i'm gonna get a piece of gum rinse my mouth out and i'm feeling a little bit better but still like a little little shaky um so i text uh my friend pete who's doing the show pete bergen and he's like just power through and i was like all right you're hoping for like a hey man no problem yeah

take the night off but i was also still so close i was like fuck it and then i pull into the like the the neighborhood of uh of dc like right around the neighborhood of dc the neighborhood of dc where the show is uh on a small neighborhood in baltimore called it's no it's a busy so it's like right on u street and like 14th like so it's like this busy busy part of dc and it's like fuck now i need to look for parking and blah blah and then i have to vomit again so i pull off into like a residential part and i have my leftover lunch from that day which is uh like spaghetti so i just take the spaghetti and just throw it like i open my door and just throw it in the street yeah so i have a receptacle to fucking throw up in what you should have done was offered it to a homeless person oh i threw it

on a home let him eat it out of the thing and then puke into well i puked in it i rolled down my window and i said you're disgusting that's what i told him get your life together get it together come on and yeah uh but so then then i threw up and i saw the oatmeal that i ate that morning and i was like okay this is this is terrible. And then it was even worse when I was throwing up in it. There was residual pasta sauce smell, marinara. So that was even grosser. So now are you able to eat pasta again, you think? Maybe. I don't think it was food poisoning.

I think it was just the flu. Yeah, but it's still just you associate the smell with like... I, to this day, well, I had a long spell where I couldn't eat sesame chicken because Ihuh because i like vomited up in 10th grade and i also can't hear the song the bare necessities from the jungle book what without masturbating furiously because i was home sick from school and i'm an animal what i was uh what i was homeick from school in third grade or so eating um grape popsicles because i was vomiting and i don't know how those two correlate but i was definitely eating great popsicles thoughts like oh boy i need a popsicle and i remember just just feeling horrible

and the in the while the bear necessities was playing and and just i i probably had to get up and puke like during the song yeah and to this day like i if i sing that to myself which i do a lot i mean it's hard to go anywhere without hearing the song the bare necessities from the jungle book as you can imagine every time i go to see a band and i'm like all right now here's our cover of the bare necessities yeah yeah come on, Cannibal Corpse. It's on every single radio station. Here's that new one. The Bare Necessities.

I'm like jumping around. By Jewel. Acoustic version. Sure. So, yeah. So, I was just like... So, I throw up again. I'm like, God damn it. Now, I'm like a minute away from the venue.

Now, I don't know if this is just my low self-esteem. Maybe somebody with self-esteem would be like, I'm fucked. I feel terrible. Whatever. These guys can figure it out. So I pull up and there's a parking spot right in front of the venue, which there never is. And I was like, God damn. I just thought it was like the

the universe fucking with me just like just it's right here just go on in and i was like all right fine i'll fucking uh i'll give it a goddamn shot so i park and uh i pay for parking i go in and peanuts yeah oh god no uh ahmed uh vallejos who is one of the uh comedians who's going to be performing on friday at the mashup show uh he is performing on this show as well on wednesday and uh he's like yeah i just bought ginger ale because my stomach wasn't feeling well you should have some and i drank it and like immediately i was like oh that's not sitting well like just immediately i kind of feel like that's probably a myth, the whole ginger ale thing. Yeah,

I bought ginger ale the next day and I looked at a 20 ounce of it and it had 59 fucking grams of sugar. Yeah, it's not, I mean,

unless you're getting some, like, really weird, like, expensive organic, like, made with real ginger, ginger ale.

you should be able to, like, see the ginger in the fucking thing. it's not like, I mean, it's just like, sugar and like ginger

flavoring i looked at the goddamn ingredients for ginger ale canada ginger ale and they pride themselves like made with real ginger in the ingredients it doesn't say ginger anywhere really yeah it's probably just like remnants of ginger yeah it says like the first ingredient is peanuts fuck oh god damn it's peanuts and spider eggs i cannot escape these fucking imposter sauce jesus christ no that's sodium benzoate in it and the bare necessities which which made me think of uh the simpsons thing when he's like he's like here's a doll and homer's like oh that's good he's like but it's cursed that's bad we also have frozen yogurt all right what does he say he doesn't he goes frog i call it frog yeah yeah he goes oh that's good but it

has sodium benzoate in it that's how he says yeah i'm pretty sure he's like uh he's like that's bad um so so anyway so he gives me that and like the venue we're at it's a place it's called the handsome cock sure and uh named after mike moran i believe um i think i performed there once actually yeah yeah they used to have an open mic there um there's some sort of depression show was that there probably you need a hug or something probably they uh yeah probably they they do kind of weird shows now like every wednesday like weird kind of like the mashup show was like one of the shows they're they're doing but there's like a weird contingent that works there slash hangs out there that is like this eastern europe kind of vibe like on

the big screen tv i'm telling you like hey how are you a bunch of eastern europeans hanging out at the handsome cop yes not a bunch but like like six or seven like eight or nine like it's a small small spot like it's as big as my basement basically and on the flat screen the last time we were there not this time the last time we were there it was playing some weird fucking compilation of like rage compilation or compilation compilation it got close to compilation but a compilation of like rage compilation or compilation compilation it got close to compilation but a compilation of um weird like dance parties that they have all over russia and it was just like zooming in on chicks tits and guys like and there were like the last time we were there there were like four people there

and i guess they worked there and one of them was like a couple and they were watching it like and they're like snuggled up on this couch like that's their date night i'm like what the fuck is going on that's yeah so it's so weird i love you sweetheart yeah i love a relaxing evening alone yeah they're like making out in public and shit on this couch and anyway um they have three bathrooms and i knew this from the last time that i was there and i was like fuck i think i either have to like because at this point my stomach's going nuts i'm like i need to throw up again or i need to like shit my fucking brains out and i knew that they're three like their toilets they have three doors and one of them just is like carved on the door

says no toilet seat another one i'm pretty sure it says no wait yeah no toilet seat yes carved on the door what why so it's like so for the rest of the time that building exists there cannot be a toilet seat that room the thing is it would be so much cheaper to replace a toilet seat than replace a whole door we're never getting that fucking right just carve it right in there wow so what does that mean there's like a urinal or no there's a toilet and there's no seat there's no seat there's just the bowl so like you can piss in it but you're technically shit in it. You could, but not in my state. I mean, technically, you could shit in a turtle shell, too, I guess. And I will.

You bring a fucking turtle shell in here, I'll fill it up. You understand? But the... I just could not fucking... Like, when you're sick like that, like, the last thing I want... The last thing you want is, like dingy gross eastern european no toilet imported from eastern europe yeah just like so they have one that was decent probably like communist propaganda hanging from the walls and stuff busts of stalin yeah like putin like a nice

picture of him but i don't know it says like pooping with putin no seat you don't know. It says like pooping with Putin. No seat. You don't deserve seat. Install it and take it down. Sorry. That's terrible. So I went like the decent one that they have and I tried to shit. Couldn't throw up. And I was like, all right. And I just told like everybody could see that I was sick.

And they're like, just. You were shitting in front of them. Everybody could see that I was trying to shit. Oh, uh shitting in front of everybody can see that oh my god yeah close the door it's being broadcast on the tv out for like look at the man's shit we love this live live he's shitting date night um so they're like dude just just go home and it's like i feel so so fucking bad sorry guys um and then so i go out to my car and as i'm pulling out immediately just like throw up again it's like this is this is terrible like it was vomiting too like the like it's never fun but the worst kind where i was just like i felt like i was convulsing like and it just

hurt like my whole stomach was just being like wrenched like like it hurt my lower back like it was just engaging like all food poisoning well I I don't know cuz Amanda got it too and we like we're on separate schedules and not really eating the same stuff I mean it might be she didn't really get the shitting aspect of it or so she says I don't know she's a lady did you check her stool I would like to I would like to. I would like to. She stacked up a couple turtle shells. I'm going to take a look at them, all right?

I say, you fill those things up or you don't come out of them. Right, yeah. That's what I tell her. When I used to go hiking in the mountains, you'd always bring a few turtle shells to fill up, you know? Yeah. That's how we do it. Uh-huh. And then you toss them.

I get it. Yeah, nobody can tell, you know? The, okay, what was I going to say Oh yeah so I'm in my car And throwing up And I'm making like old man noises Like I feel like I'm being tortured I'm like Matt look

You're like giving directions to people When they clearly can use GPS Resistance on Israel You're going to turn left at the Costco when they clearly can use GPS. What's your stance on Israel? You're going to turn left at the Costco. I'm like crying and throwing up. Pull your pants up. It's a goddamn travesty.

What's your problem? You should be ashamed of yourselves. No, like where you're like throwing up where're, like, throwing up, where, like, water's coming out of your nose and your eyes and it's all just, like, coalescing into this just gnarly fucking pool. Yeah, it sounds like your body's, like, evacuating everything. Everything. I've had that before and it's just the fucking worst. It's

terrible, man. That's the most I've ever had it to that extent. Whenever I get, like, horribly sick like that, I always think about Andy Dufresne crawling through the pipe and puking. 500 yards of shit-smelling foul. And thinking, like, God, I'm glad I'm not doing that right now.

I don't know if I could do it. The warden had bare necessities playing in the shit pipes. That's how they used to torture him, I think. You're being obtuse. Throw him in the bear necessity chamber he had to crawl through 500 yards shit smelling bear necessities um yeah so then at that point like i just want to get out of dc and like it's uh you're at lights every block stop signs and

like just i just want to yeah the universe is like conspiring to annoy the fuck out of you. Yeah. And I'm like, I must have looked just fucking crazy. Because I'm just holding Tupperware. And I'm like leaning over in my life. Like hunched over. Like full just old man. Like, oh, it's terrible.

So eventually I get on the 95 North, the fucking, I'm headed home, the gateway to salvation. And I starts to feel a rumble in my tummy on the south side. Oh, I think I know where this is going. And I'm like, well, that makes sense. I probably got a lot of pressure building up. Wait, on the south side of your digestive system? Yeah. Okay.

Towards the anus Yeah. Okay. Towards the anus exit. Okay. And me and my butthole have had a strong, strong relationship. Sure. I trust my butthole. Yeah, me too. With my life. I trust your butthole.

Yeah. Thank you. In a lot of ways, I feel like your butthole has kind of become my butthole, you know? Wow. Yeah. Well, we've shared a lot. Because as you know, my butthole wasn't always there for me so no it's let you down and it's let out some pretty gnarly farts it has for sure and so is

mine but i you know i when i felt a fart coming i felt good about it i would i would force them out i say just clean that colon out yeah go for it and this one uh it just feels like a regular old you know just just a classic, traditional. Not even, like I just, yeah, traditional. Just kind of right across the, a classic, just right across the plate. Vintage. Yeah. A nice 89.

A day like any other. It really was. A fart like any other. A fart by any other name. And so I go to release, if you will you will sure and i feel a little something extra and i was like oh no i've done it what have i become destroyer of worlds what did that guy say when he made the nuclear bomb you know i'm talking about he said like i am death destroyer of worlds now i forget what it was what uh some guy from the manhattan project like i wasn't born in the 30s i wasn't

around but you are aware that things happened in the 30s i didn't know it's always the worst argument like uh you know i wasn't around in the 40s like yeah, yeah, you know World War II happened, right? Like, you know. I don't know. If I ain't seen it, I don't believe it. Which is why I don't believe in Argentina. We have a black president. I ain't never seen him. I never saw him. Show me him, then I'll believe it.

Come to my house, so-and-so. Mr. Peanut Man, if that is your real name. Is that what you're calling the president? Yeah. Because he's black? Yeah. That's what they love, making peanuts that get me sick yeah it's a conspiracy i know i'm sick of all those rap songs glorifying peanuts they're just throwing peanuts at women it's like oh that's hurt please

uh so yeah so i was just like oh man that's just even worse. But it was like, well, I guess we should get graphic now. Just like basically. Just let it out. Just, I did. Just let it out about letting it out. Oh, okay. And it was basically just liquid, just gone. And then I proceeded to throw up even more on the way home.

Into your Tupperware? Yeah. And I was like emptying it out. I had like stopped. Like I had emptied it out before I got on 95. So was like emptying it out and like stopped like i had emptied it out before i got on 95 you just dumping it out on the street yeah are people looking at you like hey don't dump your fucking vomit on the yeah they're pointing to signs it's such a problem in dc like no vomit there's like a stick figure like circling a line through the stick figure vomiting throwing out tupperware full of vomit don't do that so i um yeah dude it was so fucking gross vomit like your kids live here exactly yeah yeah so this sounds like an

utter nightmare it really was man just driving and like throwing up and of course i'm texting i gotta text of course i was gonna stop you from texting yeah you could be i fucking inside a gas chamber you're goddamn right and you gotta text you gotta check in with my homies yeah what's going on right you know what i mean yeah what's up with that fantasy football league sure you know check my draft kings yeah you know what i mean uh so no i just i just feel like death and like i'm just just want to get home i want to fucking take my pants off and get busy yeah and do some i want to have sex and then i'm going right to bed i don't feel great i'll be honest i've been vomiting and i shit myself but i sure would like to bust a nut. Just going to bust a quick nut.

There it is again. Nuts, huh? It's full circle on this one. Yeah, that was totally intentional. But I got home and I had undone my pants because I felt like my pants were too tight. So I get out of my car and I have probably vomit on me and I've shit my pants and my belt buckle is undone. Just like, eww. You're wearing your Who Fed t-shirt i got a beer and a beer koozie like camouflage beer koozie yeah you've got that hat that says shithead and has like fake poop on the brim real poop on it this time and uh yeah i just go inside clean up and uh when

i take my pants off and i go to get like i just had thermal like long john underwear that i wanted to put on and a sweatshirt but as i'm changing i've never felt more cold in my life and i was just in my room like it's like am i withdrawing from heroin like what is happening did i accidentally get addicted to heroin wait a minute but i was just like like just shaking just so like cold where it was painful really yeah and then like i get like i have like sweatshirt like just a full like suit on and uh go to get in bed and uh and like i sleep for a little bit and then i start sweating and then i have to like go again and like i'm on the toilet and luckily uh our bathroom is small as shit so like the sink is right there so i'm just lean like i'm shitting the best so i do the double oh i hated it hated it hated it and it's just like just water coming out of my just pissing out of my water yeah the nastiest sure and i just felt

fucking so i just slept and uh oh there's nothing you can do either like amanda like eventually there's like is there anything i can do like came home late and like kept trying to wake me up like are you okay like i just need you to leave me alone just please like there's nothing like when you're vomiting you there's nothing somebody else can do. They're just like, do you want... Can I just get the fuck away from you? Can I bake you a loaf of some kind?

Would that help? Peanuts? Anybody? Souvenirs? And so I just felt terrible. You want to play Skyrim? Yeah. What's your problem, bro?

And yeah, so then it just kind of lasted for a couple days and i was just like pissing out of my ass and like shitting out of your day yeah i lost like seven pounds over like three or four days it was crazy um and uh and i will say i had another accident i uh the following day thought i was out of the woods and i was like butthole you done me wrong cocky nobody's perfect we all make mistakes right sitting on the woods and i was like butthole you done me wrong cocky nobody's perfect we all make mistakes right sitting on the couch and then bam sharted again snuck up on you sharted right out the right never never trust just just that that liquidy just right out there oh yeah

it was fucking gross yeah so it wasn't until so that was it all started wednesday night and uh that's how i rang in the new year the next day, just feeling terrible. And it wasn't until Sunday morning where I actually had an appetite, where I was like, oh, I actually kind of want food. But that's my saga, man. That's how I was brought back down to earth. I'm a mere mortal, just like you now. Just like you. Just a nobody.

Just a scar You know Just a A scarred man How is there not a rock star called A mere mortal Like first name Amir Amir But wouldn't you wanna I mean

Rock star you wanna be cool You wanna be on a pedestal Exactly So So that's That's his rebellion He's being humble I'm normal yeah fuck yeah

so uh so yeah so that was my saga so sounds awful yeah so i i luckily i on thursday i i got to work from home so so i could like still be close to the toilet like every time i had to fart from then on out and it's like i just i gotta fart on the toilet fart on the toilet. Every time I had to fart from then on out, I was like, I gotta fart on the toilet. Better safe than sorry. Couldn't trust the old butthole. Sure. You ease into it and then I was just kind of risking it. I was like,

I'm gonna let this one fly. I took some healthy dumps, I believe is the medical term today. We'll post those on the Facebook page. Take a look at them. Fill up your turtle shells. And yeah, that's where I'm at, man. Wow. So I'm

kind of back to normal. I got a bunch of stand-up going on over the next couple weeks. So luckily that all kind of happened over like a holiday weekend with like the new year and all that shit. So it was fucking gnarly. i've uh i i've had the the worst vomiting slash shitting experiences i've had have been with food poisoning

because your body just kind of decides all right you know what you just get it all out everything take everything yeah i don't know who the it's like the thing you know it's like uh i'm not sure who's doing this i'm not sure who's hiding this. I'm not sure who's hiding being the thing. So we're just going to kill everybody. Yeah, like, sorry. We just have to. You guys, you all got to go. I'm sorry.

Yeah, everything needs to get the fuck out of here. You can go out the front. You can go out the back. I don't care. You just need to leave. Everybody go. Rush, rush, rush. Yeah, and then urine is on its way to the butthole.

And it's like, I normally. Urine, just go out the back, please. Listen, I really don't want to cause a fuss. I know we're all supposed to go. But I usually go kind of out the other way. Look, as long as poop doesn't come out of my pee hole, then I'm cool with that. It has to happen sometimes, right?

There's got to be some disorder where like... They say anything's possible. Usually it's about dreams but i don't know they're talking about poop coming out of dicks but sure could could so uh so yeah dude it was uh it was fucking terrible but um yeah it happened yeah sounds awful poop my pants man wasn't a lot of poop do you get that thing where like after you you vomit yeah you you feel wonderful for a little while with this no because it just felt like like like what you're saying like normally kind of when you vomit like if it's like drinking or if it's something like weird that you ate you expel that one thing but with this like your body's still like just digging up everything like when i threw up my fucking oatmeal from 8 30 that morning at like nine o'clock that night

that's when i knew i was like this is fucking this is terrible yeah because yeah that was my body just being like no no all of it you actually saw a few urkelos in there that's how old it was yeah exactly some boo berry cereal halloween was months ago. Man, that old. Yeah, it was fucking gross, man. So, yeah, I just really didn't do fucking anything over those couple days. A couple Kool-Aid bursts. Yeah. It was kind of nice to just have an excuse to sleep.

Oh, yeah. Which was good. Yeah, that's the best thing about being sick is that you can be lazy. But it was one of those six you couldn't enjoy, though, because it would be like, all right, try to drink some water because I didn't want to get dehydrated and then it was like oh now you're throwing up that water you just drank so really you're throwing up water yeah uh yeah like yeah you can die from that i know i know that's why i was seriously like as gross as it is like how like liquidy my poop was like because i was like i'm just pissing out like i'm gonna get super dehydrated i was worried that that I had dysentery

or something. But I don't. I'm okay. I'm fine. You weren't dysentery? No, I wasn't. I would never. I love Terry. He's a sweetheart. A rock star name. Dysentery? That's a rock star name.

Absolutely. A guy named after liquid shits. For one of those funny like punk bands with the funny names like pat smear and that's me johnny rotten is it pat i guess pat smear it's not his real name is it as well he was part of uh uh like a very punk group called the germs yeah where they all had like funny names that they made up oh pap smear supposed to sound like pap smear oh well are you just now noticing that yeah wow i was just pat smear like i'd never yeah i think it's supposed to sound like like the lead singer was like i don't know billy wrench bottom or something i don't fucking know the drummer was mama graham yeah they're all just they're all just stuff that

women get to like get checked out mammogram mama graham on drums it's like yeah they were like the first uh ob gyn based based punk band. It was a very short-lived era of gynecological rock. They called it Gyra. They weren't pussies, I'll tell you that. Michael? See what I did there? There's Tammy Pond

on bass. Tammy. Tammy. Jesus Christ. jesus christ uh all right we've talked for a while about me me shitting and uh puking is there anything else going on with with you that you want to talk about um i do have a little bit of a story that happened to me this week i would love to hear it. I was eating peanuts. Okay. I don't like where this is going.

Got a little sick. Don't like where this is going. Well, I had what very much could have been the quintessential pornographic experience of being an Uber driver. Really? Yeah. Oh, what happened here? I got to talking to a lady.

Mm-hmm. She, we, like often happens. Yeah. I become like ridiculously intimate with her very quickly. Sure. Not in a sexual sense, but I, for some reason I, this is Uber? Yes. Rider?

Yes. So how do you start chatting? Do you just text her like I'm outside? How does it start? Wait, how does the texting? No, she's riding with me. I'm driving her home from a bar. Oh, okay.

So you're getting personal that way. Yeah. Which often happens. Gotcha. Okay. Partially because that's what people seem to do with drivers, and partially because that's what people seem to do with drivers and partially because that's what people seem to do with me for some reason. Yeah.

I think people like to chat. Yeah. It's part of the experience. Which makes it really easy for me to take advantage of them later. No, I'm just kidding. So, she, you know, we're just talking about things. She shows me pictures of her kids, tells me about her marriage. We're hitting it off, like very often happens.

She asked me about my life of children, marriage, and whatnot. Where you like slip it in. She's sucking my dick. We're talking about her 401k. So I slip it in. Yes. Hey, hey, you know. Okay, so it's just a very kind of get to know you.

We're just talking. We're just getting to know each other. And, you know, I kind of explained to her that I'm not really in a monogamy right now. I'm, you know, I'm just. I jerk her with my right hand, jerk her with my left hand. Do whatever. I don't care. I just, you know, I just explained to her that I'm kind of living the single lifestyle

and enjoying it and don't really want to settle down. And she kind of decides that that's really a big turn on for her. Weird. People are so weird. And she gets, she's really drunk. So I'm not trying, you know, like I'm not'm not gonna try anything and she's fucking married and shit um but she like she makes it clear that she's like she's like well i should probably go because i kind of want to fuck you whoa what yeah and she like kind of tries to kiss me, I think,

but I just kind of do the hug. Christian side hug, right? Sure. Of course. You know, Jesus never hugged anybody like that. Yeah, and then we later did the Christian side fuck, so that was fine, too. Because you know Jesus never fucked nobody like that.

Right, yeah. Did the Christian side bukkake as well. Yeah. You know Jesus never bukkake'd like that. For those that don't know what we're talking about right there, Google Christian side hug and watch it on YouTube. I thought you were going to say Google Christian side bukkake. Yeah, you'll see a video that I made.

Yeah, no, it's like a video of how you shouldn't hug people from the front because it's sexual. Yeah. And Christians should hug from the side. It's five white guys doing their best, like, black guy impression. If it weren't comical enough to see nerdy white Christian people rapping. So let's say, yeah, it's like they're at church but it looks like one of those like nice like not really a super church yeah not a mega church but they're like performing like it seems like it was like the church talent i thought it might be a

mega church or something it's it looks pretty big whatever or it's like some type of like church it might have been a mega death concert who knows these days you never know uh but yeah like five white guys come out like waving towels. Yeah, just very stereotypically. And they're a hip hop group. And the beat's playing. The beat even has like gunshots and stuff. Really?

Yeah, yeah. You should listen for it. Maybe not gun. I think it has. It has like ambulance sounds. Yeah, it definitely has the sirens, like police sirens. But I'm pretty sure it has gunshots too but uh yeah their whole thing is that you're if you're a christian you don't hug somebody face to face you hug them basically shoulder to shoulder because that's the christian side hug

right and where the fuck they get that out of the bible is insane but uh they have like that like gangsta like in unison chorus how How's it go? It's like, that Christian side. That Christian side. I'm a rough rider with Jesus Christ's love. Like how they even say Jesus Christ's love, like not even Christ's love. Well, you got to stay within the meter.

Like making Jesus gangster. I'm a rough rider. ride with christ i ride with an ancient israeli deity christian side hug it's so weird i think like the god of the bible and they act it out too they're like jumping in like yeah oh yeah they have like a whole dance they have like fly girls right yeah yeah yeah doing like choreography and shit um so early on in dig sesh history you and i toyed with the idea of doing a parody called christian side salad the idea being that you shouldn't order a caesar because that's pagan you should always go with the house salad yeah like uh and what what can get you, sir? That Christian side salad.

Give me that Christian side salad. A what? A Caesar salad. Man, Jesus never ate a Caesar salad. And like, the lyrics are something like, I'm a roughage eater.

Cleanse Jesus Christ palate. At least, I think I thought that up. I don't know if I shared those. Yeah, that's pretty brilliant though. I love it. Yeah, and I also thought it could be something about Constantine.

The only Caesar I'm down with is Constantine because he turned the Romans Christian. I like that. I had a rhyme for that. What the hell was it? I like that. But yeah, sorry. I didn't mean to had a rhyme for that. What the hell was it? I like that. But yeah, sorry.

I didn't mean to detract from your story. But was that where the night ended with this guy? Oh, my God. Now. Don't yell at me. No. Shut up. No.

Listen to me. Is this the president? Let me ask you that. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Mike is on his feet. Yeah, he's going to show me his dingus. No, I'm not getting up to act out anything.

I just, my stupid back won't let me do anything for a while without doing something else. Have you thought about not calling your back stupid if you wanted to do you favors? Good point. Thank you. Yeah, so this lady, yeah, she made it clear that if I wanted to take advantage of her, I totally could have. This lady. Yeah. And she's my age.

She's 34. Wow. But that to me is still like an adult. And I'm a kid. Well, yeah, she's married with kids. Yeah, yeah. So she's an adult and I'm a 21-year-old boy. She's got a total fetish and loves. She must just feel totally bogged down by her life.

Yeah, that's the thing. It really sounded like. And then here comes unshaven Mike Moran driving his Uber. Right, right. With a devil may care attitude. Yeah, she kind of looked at me. It was weird because I witnessed this woman questioning her own lifestyle. Oh, man.

This is like a taxicab confessions, but for a new millennium. Yeah, and it genuinely seemed like that moment of vulnerability in her eyes. Not like, oh, I do this type of thing all the time. You know what I mean? It's just her genuinely questioning herself and being like, that's really kind of hot. Oh, my God. This went from Uber to do-her.

Yes, that's great. Thank you for adding that in. You're a do-her driver. Or boob-her. Right. Thank you. Drive your cock into her pussy. That's a good-her driver. Or boob-her. Right? Thank you. Drive your cock into her pussy. That's a good one, too.

See, what I'm saying is... Lube her. Uh-huh. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, so anyway... If you get sued for sexual harassment at some point, this is going to be terrible to play in court. What are you talking about? I totally didn't take advantage of a drunk lady that I could have like fucking totally had like badass fantasy sex with but later felt terrible about it afterward but later what happened later uh she started calling me oh

how does she have your number i guess you have it's a there's a weird thing where you can call the person who you're picking up, and they can call you, but it's not your number, and it's not their number. It's just like the number Uber gives you. It's the same number. That's smart. And I think until I drop the next people off, she could still call me. Oh, so that number is still viable. Yeah.

Like Uber assigns you a new fake number. No, it's the same number, but somehow it goes to me until I drop the next person off. Probably so in case she forgot something or whatever. Okay. Okay. Yeah. And I already had an incident that night

where somebody had left a pocketbook, and I couldn't get ahold of the girl. So I, uh, I had to report it. What's that? Spent all her money. Yes. She said she would listen to our podcast and return it for me. Shout out, shout out to her. Uh, anyway, she's like, Jesus, I dodged a bullet. Anyway, uh, he fucked the other woman. Oh my God. she um so i so i have to like report that because i can't call the original girl directly so i have to like be like i found an item in my car and then uber contacts her and then she'll contact me and i'll bring it back uh so i assume it's her calling me ah and it's not and i don't even like realize it's not for a little while while talking to the drunk lady.

Uh-huh. So it's all like, oh, yeah, hey, yeah, that's me. Yeah, no, I drove you earlier. And then it's like, where are you? Oh, boy. And then I realize that it's not the pocketbook girl. Uh-huh. And-

It's the pocket pussy girl. Right. Uh-huh. That's what i have her saved to my phone ass yeah so anyway she just she just i'm kind of like oh uh uh yikes i um jeez uh so anyway like she basically i i basically she's like will you call me back later and I'm like okay and then it ended but it just blew my mind that that was like totally

like fucking you know don't call her could have been I don't have her number anyway I wasn't going to wow but you know that's temptation man I think if I wanted to I probably could have had sex with her while her husband was upstairs in her house that's insane i i think that could happen but

you also understand her children are present as well i think they were away and i wouldn't do it either way josh but okay okay but in the fantasy world come on yeah sure i mean that's uh that's pretty insane yeah if she wasn't if she wasn't married if she was divorced, I'd say go for it. Absolutely. Yeah, if somebody's single. I mean, even if she was married but not drunk, I would maybe consider it. Because every time I've turned somebody down for that, I've kind of regretted it. Yeah.

Because it usually just doesn't work. They usually just end up cheating with somebody else or they leave their... Oh, yeah. Yeah, that always amazes me when people start a relationship out of cheating. It's like, you guys know your foundation is just pure shit. Yeah, I've almost had that several times. Oh, my God. And both of the ones that I can think of right now i declined getting too

intimate with right until they were to break up with their and and both of them i look back i'm kind of like yeah i probably should have just done it yeah wow well good on you that's that's high moral fiber on your part man well what can i say I said, I wouldn't do it anymore. I would totally do it now. I regret my actions. Wow, man. All right, well, good on you for being strong. The life of an Uber driver, man.

Isn't that crazy? It was weird. She just kept asking more and more questions about my life. Yeah. And this non-monogamous kind of thing that I'm doing, and was just getting more and more fascinated and turned on. Yeah, yeah, because it's like, wow, he's just so wild and free. I guess so. Oh, my gosh.

And then she's like, do you meet a lot of girls through Ubering? It was just classic pornography. I'm just picturing you being like, just completely like unaware. Just like, oh yeah, you meet all kinds of people. It's just like, oh wow, wow. And do you get intimate with them? Oh yeah, I get intimate with a lot of people. Sometimes right here in the car.

I probably do too much if I'm being honest with myself. You like sneeze. Sorry, I think I'm coming down with something. She's like, God, you're an animal. Look at you. You're so free. Man, I think I'm coming down with something. She's like, God, you're an animal. Look at you. You're so free. Man, alright. Do you make love with these women?

I'd like to think that there's love, yeah. Yeah, sure. So tell me about your kids. Do you think they'd like to ride in my Uber? They're welcome to. Hell, I'll give your husband a ride too i'll give the whole family a ride oh you god you beast you wild

i doubt that's how you respond oh my yeah well she likes it she likes that you're out there out on the fringes of society she's living in her nice little buckled down world. Wild Mike Moran comes along. Beautiful blonde locks blowing in the wind in my convertible. Wild and free. Don't box me in, baby. Really, it's short brown hair and a Honda Versa

or a Nissan Versa. Wild like the wind. Sorry, I don't have power windows. She's. Sorry, my window. I don't have power windows. She's like, oh, my God. There's a little bit of vomit in the console. From a previous Uber rider.

Yeah. Oh, Lord. You can see the perspiration beneath the radio panel still. Somebody broke my mirror off. Now I got that face in. That's like the sexiest thing in the world. Hey, listen, if it still smells like vomit, I got Febreze in the trunk.

Oh, my God. My auxiliary jack is broken, but, you know. Taliesin has a pretty good conversation. Sorry about the dirty clothes at the back. I've just been fucking busy. You want a cup of Soylent? Oh, my God. All right.

Well, oh, let's talk about before we get out of here, as we wrap up, how was the cover band show? You did the Ramones. Yeah, it was good. Good, man. Yeah, it was good. Good, man. Yeah, it was fun. It's always weird. I feel like it's hard to tell what you sound like while you're on stage. Singing, for sure.

Yeah, like singing and just, I don't know. That's the thing that always freaks me out. You just can't tell, or at least I can't tell, like, if we sound terrible or not, you know? Probably, if it sounded good to you, Sidebar is such a tiny venue, like. No, it kind of sounded bad to me, though. Oh, okay. But I kept being like, does everything sound good out there? And everyone's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's like the audience is reacting, but they're not, like, seriously reacting, so you can't tell if they're, like, really into it. Right, right right right and like i don't know it just feels so weird like wrapping up and just not knowing if people are gonna be like that was great or if they're gonna be like oh man yeah well you tried you look like you were having fun you should stick to stand-up comedy that'd be a nice insult. I hear Costco is hiring. Stick to comedy, pal. Stick to being a performance god of another boy. Okay, buddy. All right. Well, let's wrap it up here.

Thank you for listening to my shit and vomit stories. Sure. With this episode, I had a little bit of everything. There was some romance. There was also your story uh rom-com there was uh all right well language yeah well uh everybody uh hope you're uh hope you're having a good new year and uh there was uh political for now if i just keep going there was drama there was comic comedy. There was tragedy.

Mostly from Josh's butthole. It was... So, yeah. So, that's... So, that's the episode. Thank you for listening, as always. We really appreciate it. And hit us up on the Facebook page. Comment on the pictures of my poop.

Sure. Please. And rate, rate, rate. Review us on iTunes, Stitcher. Say hello on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. We're all over all that shit. Oh, yeah. If you want to see us live doing stand-up or doing improv,

go to digressionsessions.com slash calendar. We really appreciate it, and we love you guys. And bye-bye. Bye-bye. Oh, David Koechner, take us out. Bam. Little sidebar at the end little appendix are making a murderer uh sidebar before we go to sidebar yeah um so uh i steven avery definitely i mean there's enough fucking weird evidence there like to me what we were talking about when we shut the microphones off because actually we might have

to go i don't know if we can do this 7 35 let's make it the quickest review ever done it's just we're just talking about life and death for people like can we just wrap this up can we go out succinctly in 10 minutes okay the the crux of it is everybody who seems to have watched Making a Murderer except for me thinks that these people were innocent and they seem pretty freaking guilty. I think Brendan Dassey is definitely innocent. Well, maybe. I'd say I'd give him more room than the other guy. Fuck yeah.

He doesn't know what's going on. on but i mean like i i feel like i've you know as somebody who's like really into um the the the uh to like mass hysterias and like um crap like that like uh coercive uh interrogation techniques and stuff like that i just didn't see all that much of it there really yeah probably a little bit with brendan so they talked to him three times without his mom present. Right. First of all, and he's, what, 16? He has a 70 IQ. Right.

He has several classes where he's taking that are like, what's the word? Remedial or basically like slow classes. Right. He's taking several of those. And he's interviewed three times without his mom present. And the fourth one where they get, like, this big confession. They're interviewing for hours, and every single time they're, like, he just would make stuff up. You could tell, like, all right, what did he do, Brendan?

What did he do to her head? I didn't really get that impression. He literally says, what did he do to her head? And he goes, cut her hair. And he's, like, all right, what else? What else did he do to her head and he goes cut her hair and he's like all right what else what else did he do and he like you can see him just like the wheels turning like i don't know like just saying stuff and like he's just like uh what else brendan what else uh he caught her cut her cut her throat like uh-huh what else brendan what did he do like why wouldn't he

like just be like he shot her like why would cut her hair be the first thing like and there's no no way that he all that stuff happened because there's zero blood in the bedroom there's zero dna of hers in the house at all if they stab no way dude what do you mean no? I mean, they definitely killed her there, though. I mean, like... In the bedroom? Well, at least on the... Maybe not...

Maybe outside or something. But what I'm saying is, if you're going to take Brendan's word as fact, that they shot her with a gun there. Right. There'd be blood spatter everywhere. They slit her throat and they stabbed her. There'd be so much fucking blood and DNA all over that fucking bedroom. And that room did not look clean at all.

It would be in the ceiling. They fucking carved out his wall. It would be in the bed. What do you mean no? Not necessarily. Yes. You shoot somebody in the head. You don't think there's going to be some goddamn blood spatter?

It's not. Their head isn't going to blow up like in a movie. Mike, there's got to. They'll slump over and some blow will pour out. With a shotgun, it's going to explode. It depends on what kind of shotgun. At that close of range, if you slit somebody's...

There's going to be blood when you drag her out. Do you think they carefully wrapped her up? Probably, yeah. How? That house is a mess. There's zero of her hair. All right, Josh. Zero blood. Let's murder somebody sure and i will prove to you it's gonna be you because you're pissing but you can clean up after they had then

they have like days can't you like wash your sheets and yeah you just wash your sheets no but what i'm saying is oj didn't have that much blood on him he had blood on him that's a little tad he had some and he had like five seconds to clean up he had some on him there was did that house look clean no it wasn't it would be somewhere like it would be like in this basement if i fucking shot you in that corner there could be blood spatter all the way on that side or from when i drag you hair would be out they found zero of her hair zero dna in the house well okay saying is that like his story that they told that he told them is completely false and then they go on tv and they tell that story fucking ken

kratz that piece of shit telling the people which one was ken kratz he's the prosecutor okay and he tell me you tried to like yeah that piece and it totally made sense he seems like that fucking slimy douchebag, like totally full of himself, like this hot shot, like big fish in a small pond. Like, I'm the prosecutor, man. I'm in Wauke County. And it just, but when you go on TV and you do a press conference,

say we know exactly what happened. When it's based off the story that was given to a 16-year-old basically retarded kid. There's no mmm. I think a lot of times with those things, they will try to make somebody seem dumber than they are. How can you seem dumber when he's enrolled in remedial classes? He's not in special ed. He was in several special ed classes i don't think

he was a specialist yes he was mike he was in three special ed remedial class i didn't hear anything i think they would have played that up a lot more if they could approve they did play it up they said it so many times they called him slow his iq was a 70 well no i think stevens was a 70 and then uh uh uh brendan's was in the 70s as well which is like on the low side of the bell curve like when he was talking to his mom he didn't know what the word inconsistent meant and his mom she didn't know either these are not like super intelligent people like all of a sudden all of a sudden they're what are like their crime masterminds all of a sudden that they know how to perfectly clean up a scene? It's like, well, we raped, shot, stabbed this woman, and now let's make sure we sweep the entire scene.

Well, I mean, what would you really have to do? I don't think you understand how much mess there was. They're saying they stabbed her in the gut, slit her throat throat and then shot her in the head close range with a shotgun yeah you just wash the fucking pillowcase that's all you do no no gray febreze like it would be in the ceiling it would be in the tiles it would be in the walls it would be in the carpet hair anything would be everywhere pieces there's zero dna and they swept that house a million times and then theresa halbach is the only person on the planet that has just her fucking car key without her the keys to her house on her ring she's the only person that does that well but you admit that he

that steven avery probably killed her you're saying the kid wasn't involved i know i'm saying i don't know if he did i I mean, there's just so much... Yeah, but there's lots of physical evidence linking him to it that would only be explained with a conspiracy. Like what, the bullet

that they found five months later? A bullet, her hair in his car, or the car, the car on his property smashed. Was it like her phone

in his barrel? No. Yes, it was. He burned... The burn barrel, which I didn't know was a thing, contained her phone i'd have to look that up and i'd have to look that up and shout out to thomas he posted a thing that uh

that um it announced there was evidence that was left out of the movie that was the phone call stuff but including and not limited to uh him already having a record of harassing her. There's no record. Well, no legal record, but she had already expressed a desire to not return to his property because he was creepy to her. He harassed her on the phone and he tricked her into getting her that day by saying that it was his sister who was going to talk to her either way like that's still not murder that's still not physical evidence but there is but also like none of there's not physical evidence like the physical evidence is the these bones that which were every forensic person says like were clearly moved and that like the site was not.

What do you mean? There's bones in his yard of her and that's not physical evidence. Yes, that was moved. Like the forensic expert says like, yes, these were moved. What do you mean? He has a car crusher as well. Why wouldn't he crush the car? Also, that's not evidence.

That garage is such a fucking mess the first time they search it they find nothing yeah then months later from november into march all of a sudden they find a fucking fragment that's smaller than a goddamn penny and they they find that and well okay here it is also the key eight days later wow here's the key where'd that come from when they searched that fucking night stand like nine times it's i just don't okay well number one i i definitely thought to myself when i saw this guy's trailer whatever i was like if i were the detectives i'd be like you know what fuck this i don't want to i really don't want to go through this stuff you can't do that but i know i'm just kidding but um i just i don't think there's ever been a police conspiracy of that magnitude before.

Yes, Michael, but that's so naive. This is such a small town. They can do whatever the fuck they want. Do you understand they did it the first time when he went to jail for rape? If you're saying you don't believe it, then you're ignoring the first time that he went to jail for something he didn't do for 18 years where he was railroaded. The weird coincidence of it is the reason that we're hearing about the coincidence isn't but all the players are the same the people that did that to him in the first place are all still present yeah yes and that's why we're hearing about it is because it's weird but ultimately it's not just weird

manitowoc or manitowoc should not have been involved in that case at all and at the guy that finds all the evidence is detective lank detective lank should not have been involved in that case at all and at the guy that finds all the evidence is detective lank detective lank should not have fucking been there he should have been looking for zelda he's the one that finds it both fucking times like oh hey here's that key wow just out of nowhere you're not gonna admit that suspect my my experience with uh police work yeah no the world of skepticism and the idea of conspiracies is that it's very hard to pull off yes there are yes there are cops but a conspiracy is literally could be two people if you and i have an idea that's a conspiracy it just takes two people i

just don't think there's any evidence that anything like that has ever been pulled off there there is what do you have there been cops that have planted evidence before yes but of that magnitude sneaking a car it's tiny as shit also like car onto the property coal burner coburn or whatever knew what the fucking car was before they even knew what they were looking for you remember that yeah and he goes uh like he calls the plate and then he goes oh yeah it's a 99 rav4 or whatever right and he is like so how did you know it was that before you saw it he's like oh right i don't know i mean and there's just it's just so much and how big that fucking place is and the woman that went to go see it was the only one that had a camera and she just knew exactly where to go and she says the

lord told her where to go which is a bunch of shit how do you know that's so stupid don't play both sides i'm a skeptic but the lord could have told her my ass my fucking ass but i mean everybody was like searching everywhere i mean yes but so you're saying she wasn't on the conspiracy as well i'm saying she's a pawn of it what i'm saying is how but mike i don't understand there was a conspiracy to convict him of rape in the first place you saw the drawing that it was a controlled demolition no the car no how can you ignore that there was a conspiracy in the first place there wasn't a conspiracy there was just shoddy police work it wasn't shoddy they railroaded them i mean they they did bad police work and convicted the wrong guy which

happens sometimes no they didn't they ignored it like it's when you're gunning for a guy that that's not really a conspiracy that's just yes it is when you draw when you draw the picture right of of when you don't listen to what she describes the guy has and you draw the picture according to a mugshot right in front of you and then you say we already got the guy when somebody calls you and tells you about the other guy that was like from another police force that is conspiracy i i would say you're right about the first one to some degree i don't know if i called a conspiracy but yeah it's true like how could it not the first one was bad police work how could it not be the fucking the wife of one of the cops was like oh i have it in for this guy and all of a sudden whoa he kind of fits this description even though he has an alibi for everything well but every step of the

way they fucking railroaded well but part of the reason that he was eyeballed is because he had a prior record of violence and harassment and shit yeah but that was like but it's still like what doesn't equate to rape i agree no i agree they bet they botched that and did it wrong but yeah but they did it wrong intentionally mike it's not like whoopsie daisy no they intentionally ignored other sources same way i don't i think they thought they were right and blocked out all the evidence against it but i don't think they like they were right and blocked out all the evidence against it, but I don't think they were like, we know this guy's innocent, but we're going to screw him over anyway.

I think what they're saying is, but the thing is, it doesn't matter if they think that he's innocent or guilty or not. Once they said, this is the guy, and when you ignore all the other stuff. Yeah, that's bad police work. And that's also a conspiracy to say, we're ignoring the other stuff. All the way down the line, this is what we're doing. I don't know if I'd call it a conspiracy, but. But I agree with you.

But it's still, like, all the fucking way down the line, everybody is gunning for him. The chick that signed the goddamn statement of, like, what happened, she said at the time she couldn't even read it. Right. And she was never even told about this other guy being a possible suspect they never even looked at anyone else besides him yeah i mean it's the same thing that happened with the uh west memphis three yeah but it's it's like i think there's a difference between just like deciding you've got your man and ignoring other leads and that's a conspiracy too if it's like we all agree that this is what we're doing well like okay but it's a different kind of conspiracy but it's still a conspiracy it's not this insidious thing where they where they get in hoods and say we're gonna take him down i think

what they're doing is that they're saying like this is our guy we all agree this is our guy we're gonna get him at any cost right which is a conspiracy maybe technically but it's a very different type of conspiracy what you are driving me nuts it's just a conspiracy nonetheless nonetheless you don't you don't think there's a big difference between like just kind of like assuming you have your suspect but they're not assuming they're like they're saying like whatever we right or wrong this is the guy and like ignoring the fucking roommate of teresa halbach and then her creepy ass brother who's deleting her voicemails and then they're hacking into her shit online they never even looked at them right and they're like hey join the search party you should walk around

like there was no one else that was involved with that yeah i mean okay for me like i know i personally have you know i'm fascinated by i think like you know the mcmartin preschool case was an instance of just absolute ridiculous railroading um driven by coerced confessions and and stuff like that uh the the west memphis three to some to a lesser degree yeah um you know there's i i'm you know a lot of stuff in the 80s like you know because i'm obsessed with the satanic panic and and the weird like theories that were going around at that time uh-huh um and i can easily see the coercive techniques of interrogation and yes within that and i just didn't see all that here i'm gonna watch this

episode with you after do you want to come over after sidebar? I'm fired up. I'm fired up here. Which episode? I want the goddamn episode where they show the interview with Brendan Dassey, where they basically tell him what to say. And they lie to him and they say, Brendan, nothing's going to happen to you. Just tell us.

Yeah. Tell us. I would say there probably was some BS in there, but I didn't see it as like a total like first of all there's no lawyer involved his mom's not even there the dude's a minor those cops know what they're doing yeah you can't fucking do that why would you bring that kid in without a lawyer or i'm pretty sure they were not within the law of their state or whatever but i'm not saying it's rightness but why would you do that if you're not trying to coerce something out of this kid oh i mean they are trying trying to coerce a true confession, you know. They're trying to coerce a confession.

And they tell it, like, all along the way. Like, they say, like, what happened to the head? Because they had the evidence at that point that she was shot in the head. So if they would have said, what would you do to her foot? We cut it. Like, it could have easily gone that way. That's why he was like, we cut her hair. We had sex with her. We raped i like didn't he go ahead i'm just saying like you could tell he's just grasping at straws and then like it just makes sense like he already did stabbing

cutting rape what's left uh it happened at the head we shot her like it's totally like wouldn't that be the first thing you lead with instead of like like, we cut her hair? Like, ah, Brendan, we got you now, you hair cutter. He's convicted of unlawful haircutting. Yeah, look at this haircut. No, I can't remember what I was going to say. Oh, didn't he accurately describe leg shackles that Stephen Avery had bought like a month before? No, I don't remember that. I think that might have been one of the things that was left out of the

documentary. I don't remember that being a fact. You've got to be really careful when you buy leg shackles and kill somebody. You really do. Buy them in another state. I hope these leg shackles are for fun. Or even buy leg shackles. Leg shackles are us.

The old leg shackle and porn? Shackle co. Old, you get it at a leg shackle and tackle and bait stores? Shackle and tackle. That's our motto. All right, we got to go. I hope you enjoy this addendum of Mike and I yelling at each other. I seriously want to watch this episode with you and just show you how fucking wrong you are.

I mean, the kid didn't know what the word inconsistent meant. And all of a sudden, he's like... Well, I didn't know what the word secular meant as of last year. Really? Yeah. When I was interviewed on Atheistically Speaking,

I had the definition reversed and I felt really fucking stupid. Oh, man. Well, I'll count that as a win for me then thank you for listening i was right Thank you. Oh, yeah.