The Digression Sessions - Ep. 178 - Josh & Mike (@MikeMoranWould @JoshKuderna @DigSeshPod)

Episode Date: January 21, 2016

We got an epic one this time out, with subjects of conversation ranging from the feel-good, screwball, comedy Dear Zachery (spoiler alert: not something to watch while in the midst of a break up), to the moral and ethical, pros and cons of life size child dolls for pedophiles, to the boy’s dissenting opinion of the NWA biopic, and of course a little Making a Murder discussion to boot! Follow your boys, Mike & Josh, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.  Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram Mike - @MikeMoranWould on Twitter The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook For live stand up and improv dates, check out - DigressionSessions.com/Calendar Thanks for listening, all! Do us a favor and rate and review us on iTunes & Stitcher plz!

hey everybody i'm josh kaderna and i'm mike moran and you're listening to the digression sessions podcast a baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers. Join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians, writers, musicians, and anyone else we find creative and interesting. Yes. Oh, yeah. Who's the guest this week? All right. You want to start this thing sure all right you want to start this fucking podcast let's do it and it's what the fans want another guest without a celebrity guest another show let me start that over oh yeah we are guests without celebrity to some degree. Welcome to Guest Without Celebrity.

Hey, everybody. It's just Josh and Mike on this one. No fancy celebrity guests. No. All right. Well, you did say Mike, right? Yes. Sorry. Besides the illustrious Mike Moran. Outside of Mike Moran, no fancy celebrity guests. Nope, nope. Munza may

drop by. Maybe try to sniff the mic here and there. and also get on the microphone that's our show everybody thanks for tuning in we appreciate it no how the hell are you we're a little late um i don't yeah we're late on this one but you know what you should be happy it's free yeah okay it's fucking free here it? You can fucking enjoy it. What are you doing for me? Nothing. Exactly. I mean, they could come see us live.

Sure. We perform all the time. Yeah. So fucking get out there. Yeah. We got new buttons, right? Right. Michael got some nifty little dig sesh buttons. Yes.

You can put it on your fucking jean jacket, you punk rocker. Huh? You bad boy. Prove it. Put on that dig sesh pin. All right? Piece of shit. See on that dig sesh pin. All right? Piece of shit. See that?

We're nagging them. We just berate our listeners into doing whatever we want. I'm taking the pimp at like... I think we should be a little more aggressive. Yeah, exactly. You want to break them down then build them back up. Exactly. Fucking idiots, you know?

Look, we know we've been hard on you. But who loves you? but it's only because we love you exactly who gives you an episode pretty much every week sure pretty much every like what 15 years now or something they're just like uh mark maron no god damn it no not mark ira glass shut up no us god damn it uh yeah so thank you for tuning in welcome to the dig sesh it's just me and my buddy mike in my basement yo catching up and uh we do have pins so if you come see us live we'll give you some fucking pins uh we got to order some more shirts we're gonna do that but uh i don't know if you guys know the shirts are expensive they are so the price of

shirts is skyrocketing right now. In this economy? With the weather, El Nino? Oh, yeah. Shirt farming has been way down. The crops? Yeah. Just picturing a farmer looking at acres and acres of tattered shirts. Like, oh, no.

My lovely shirts. What are we going to do with all my shirt crops, Cobra? And just so you know, we don't buy from those factory shirt farms. No, no, no. We don't outsource at all. It's all American. Right. All organic, all local.

Gluten-free. Yeah. It's good for your allergies because it's local. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. We go straight from farm to body with our t-shirts. So come see us live. We've got some shows coming up.

Crazy Kids. I will be hosting at Magoobies at the end of the month the 28th through the 30th and nate bargatze funny guy will uh be the headliner and then on the 31st i will be at the cellar door closing out the show uh in frederick maryland at the cellar door really great venue so come out to that and a quick shout out to a friend of the show mike fanazo he made a movie with another dear friend of the show jason weems and the movie's called wits end and it will be premiering at the creative alliance on february 4th and uh yeah you can go see the movie i think i think the movie starts at 7 30 so show up um i'm in it. Nude. So show up just for that.

Get into it. Are you really nude in it? Nah. I show off my... I'm wearing a camouflage tank top in it, though. So, you know, pretty good. Pretty good. So come out to that.

And follow us on Twitter and all the social media stuff. I am at Josh Coderna on Twitter and Instagram. We have a Facebook page, The Degression Sessions. And go to degressionsessions.com and all that good stuff for upcoming dates as well. Now, Michael, you got some shit going on.

A little bit. A little bit of shit. I've got a show on the 21st at Zizimo's in Hamden in Baltimore. Yes. That'll be 9 o'clock around there. The 22nd, I'll be doing improv at the Mercury Theater at 8 with Population 6.

And the 4th of February, I will be performing at Raleigh's Oyster House, I believe it is. That's a really good show. At 9 o'clock, yeah. I did a few minutes before, and it was great. Nice. I was shocked. Normally, you don't expect a show with the words oyster and house in the title to go great.

No. They have a nice little setup down there. Yeah, yeah. It's a good stage. The lighting's good. It's actually a really nice venue. Yeah. It's actually really nice.

And it doesn't smell like fish, which I was really happy about. Yeah, and you didn't see any fish did you not one okay good good that's uh that's not a phobia of yours not at all just for people listening if they think that's how they can get you by no way throwing a dead fish in your face oh my god that happens i will be so fucking angry hey it's mikean. That's my off limits joke. You can embarrass me, humiliate me. Pull down his pants. Give him a noogie. Yeah, you could murder my family member.

You got me. You're just covered in the blood of your family. All right, pretty good one. That's a good one. And I would laugh. Right. But there's one thing that's just off limits. And that's fish good one and i would laugh you know right but there's there's one thing that's just off limits and that's fish it is it's mostly it's mostly the eyeball isn't it the it's the face of

the fish like if you see a fish without a face you're all right right fish without a face like it's cut up or it's it was like born de, no. I mean like when you're at the supermarket. Fish without a face. Such a... Like at the supermarket, if like you're passing by where they have all the fish, like they have like salmon steaks. It's like a filet? A steak? Yes.

Like a tuna steak. I guess that's not... Yeah, I guess the face is like the focus of the disgust, but the whole thing's pretty horrible to me. Okay. Okay. All right. Do we know why that horrible to me. Okay. Okay. All right. Do we know why that is?

No. No. No? No. And I'm not going to find out, Josh. No, I've researched phobias, and apparently there usually is some traumatizing childhood event that kicks it off. Yeah.

But I really don't think there is for me. Yeah, like one of your parents didn't wake you up with a fish in your face. It's time to go to school. There was that time that I watched my father drown and fish and die. Okay, well, yeah, you're right. I don't see what would be the problem there.

There's that time that I watched a guy get stabbed to death at SeaWorld. Huh. No. No, I can't think of anything i've definitely been horrified of sharks since i was little that's fair that probably has a jaws tie in there yeah it really does yeah um yeah i became obsessed with the jaws films and i uh was horribly scared of sharks yeah still am that's fair that's a fair assessment but it's

i don't know they seem like two different things for me though yeah okay i'm just just wondering if there was an inciting incident i don't think so okay um what about you do you have any irrational phobias besides homophobia besides these immigrants besides the xenophobia do you have any non-xenic i'm pretty scared that we're not going to build that wall that donald keeps talking about that's a gora phobia oh okay fear of open spaces build that wall and then build another one and then another one and another one and make sure i never have to go outside of them and make sure amazon delivers my groceries it is a good time for gore phobics i'll say you can get pretty much anything fucking delivered somebody brought that up the other day that most people

that advertise on podcasts it's like trunk club get t-shirts and clothes delivered to your house and now like amazon prime delivers groceries and like everything will just go to your fucking house you never have to leave essentially yeah and it's awesome. And VR porn is getting better and better. Really? I saw a video this weekend of, it was, I think, fuck, I forget what it's called. I think it's called E3, which is like this big tech conference they have. And Samsung made like virtual, not virtual reality, but I guess like basically sort of like the old, it looks like the old school virtual reality goggles that you wear. But I think it's supposed to be used for like phones and stuff too.

So you can kind of see everything right in front of you. But of course, the good people that make pornography caught wind of this. And now they're making porn specifically for this like samsung apparatus thank you yeah and they show just uh like a random uh well not random but like a tech reviewer he puts the goggles on and you can kind of see do they have like his his penis like metered to see no they didn't have a monitor to see the amount of blood rushing to his cock. No. All right, let's move on.

But he's in his hotel and he's like, okay, I have the goggles on. All right, now I'm seeing the porn. You kind of see what he's looking at. And the perspective is you actually see a male, a ripped body. And he's like, whoa, I'm a porn star. From the neck down, he thinks it's him, this huge ripped body. And he's like, whoa, I'm a porn star. Like, like from the neck down, he thinks it's like him, like this like huge ripped dude. And, uh, and he's like, okay, girls are coming in. He's like smiling and laughing. And then you see his hands, like trying to like grab stuff, like involuntarily. And, uh, the girls push the guy on the bed and involuntarily he falls back

and he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So it's so good that it's actually tricking your mind. Wow. Yeah. So we're like, it's getting, the VR porn is really, it's starting. So it actually incorporates, is it like, are you instructed to sit on a bed before this particular? No, no, no. He just was in his hotel room. Right.

And like, so he was kind of just like standing up like right by his bed yeah and i think he would have whatever it was he would have fallen down like just because when he had it on it just felt so real that like he fell back does the computer like incorporate the fact that you're in a room with a bed like does it incorporate your real environment no no no it's you're just watching okay it's like just having the porn right in front of you. And I think that all your visual senses, because you have basically a mask on. I did it last summer at the fair. Oh, really? Yeah, not the porn stuff.

Step right up, son. Would you like to do the VR porn? No, I did VR with the Avengers. It was awesome. It was badass. I was jumping through a window with the haw and it was awesome. It was badass. I was like jumping through a window with the hawk next to me. It was all in

slow motion. Force hammers spinning next to my head. You turn and Captain America's there. Now imagine the porn. There's Jizz flying by your head in slow motion. Oh, hawk, look out! Jesus Christ, bro! But I was joking with the guy that showed me uh the video

and i was like man this is where it really starts to ramp up like throughout history once a breakthrough in technology comes through like from the wright brothers like flying at kitty hawk to then like what like right 40 years later having having a commercial flight of people? Yeah, and then going to the moon like 20 years later. Yeah, so that was Kitty Hawk, and that's where it all started. I proclaim this Titty Hawk. That's very good. Thank you. That's very clever.

Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Please keep listening to the podcast. It's going to get better. I'm not going to say Titty Hawk again. I often do. Titty Hawk down. listening to the podcast it's gonna get better i'm not gonna say titty hawk i often titty hawk down that's the guy that's masturbated too much like oh we got a titty hawk you have to kick the door open he hasn't been to work in months get this man some fluids

yeah i often think about what's what's gonna happen when like virtual reality is anything like like once it's actually feels real, am I going to do anything other than just have sexual fantasies 100% of the time? Yeah, and especially... Why would I do anything else? They're going to have the robots too, so even if you do want to have that tactile sensation,

I'm sure... I think they'd probably develop some technology before actually just having a robot there where it would just feel like you're yeah doing it with somebody um but they kind of have those like the real dolls and all that stuff already yeah it's not really like a robot but yeah that's a little creepy though i like that's the judging part like well i mean of course we're all going to masturbate with VR helmets on. I don't have a plastic doll. Weirdo. Weird.

Okay. No, they're actually developing child ones for pedophiles to hopefully keep them from real children. Oh, my God. There's pictures of them on the last podcast page, and they are very, very disturbing. Oh, what the fuck? Well, you know, maybe it'll help them. Yeah, I guess it is kind of a good thing. But at the same time, that is so fucking disgusting.

Yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. Where it's just like, I need to get my doll. I'll be right back. You gotta go. Oh, God. The ladder falls down through the window. I'll be right back. Oh, my God. the ladder falls down through the window oh my god

well you know it's gotta suck to be a pedophile cause not a lot of cons in that game I was talking about this with a friend it's not like not looking at child pornography is hard for me

it's not like it's a temptation using heroin or like you know eating too much fast food yeah i just don't want to do it you know well it's it's also when it's your sexuality it's a whole different thing yeah it'd be like mike don't be attracted to booze yeah impossible exactly yeah i'd be like, well, just kill me. Right. Right. But I mean, it is like, you know, we all have fantasies that we don't act out. Yeah. And I guess that's kind of just what you do if you're a pedophile and don't want to hurt children.

Yeah. But still, it's like, you know, even if you haven't, you know, like had sex in a while, like you get pent up, you know, it's not like, I don't know. It's just, you got to go get your doll. Yeah. I wonder if they're like just told to just masturbate like at least twice a day or something just to like make sure you don't get too see yeah i guess yeah like before you leave the house jerry make sure that seems like if if i were if i had sexual impulses that i couldn't control i think that would kind of be the the key to your little kid fuck doll and make sure you... Oh, gross, dude.

Jesus Christ. Imagine somebody coming over like, oh, do you have kids? Is that like a toy? Yeah. Yeah, that's what that is. Oh, my God. Are you feeding it a mayonnaise sandwich? Oh, my God. Jeez.

Did the dog chew up the pelvis area? What happened? Do you have a dog? I was hanging out with a couple of dc comedians last night and uh we were talking about like um uh stories of seeing couples fighting in public and uh uh andrew bucket funny dc comedian he was telling a story of he was staying at a hotel um one time and he was walking back to his room and there was a woman in the hallway and she was like kind of in like a silk kind of like sexy robe and she was like up against the door kind of like just to the left of the door and uh she had her uh foot up on the wall kind of like james dean style like shoulder like arms crossed and uh she was

like leaning in and like talking towards the door and kind of like could see that she was like arguing maybe with somebody in there and then uh as he got closer he heard her go like and i didn't even come like wow what a terrible argument like it's just they're already fight like she just looks like it was supposed to be a sexy weekend it's just they're already fight like she just looks like it was supposed to be a sexy weekend it's like i didn't even come like well maybe it was like uh you know i was supposed to go meet you and i didn't even come so there well i don't know i don't know i think it i think it was a sexual thing maybe so you don't know that do you i i don't know for sure one can infer am I allowed to infer in my own house?

I suppose. What you do behind your own closed doors is behind your immigrant wall. Yeah. Behind my immigrant blockers? Yeah, that's fine. That's what I'm just going to call my walls now. See these immigrant blockers? They're in brick.

Yeah, engine proof uh and then uh it made me think of one time i did a show um and i was talking to a couple um after the show and uh the guy had like sunglasses on he was kind of like drunk and just aloof and uh his girlfriend they they both kind of like came up to me and his girlfriend was like being real nice and was like saying like she really enjoyed the show and we were talking for a sec i was like oh what's your name and she told me and then uh i go to the guy and he still has sunglasses on he's not really like looking at me but he's being like friendly and like jovial but he's still just kind of wasted and uh i was like yeah i'm josh and what's your name and he doesn't make eye contact with me. He's still looking off in the distance. And he just goes, show him, baby.

And she removes her hair that's on her neck and points to his name tattooed on her neck. What? Isn't that amazing? Are you sure this wasn't in a movie? I swear to God. This really happened. I swear to God.

Wow. Show him, baby. Doesn't even say his name. And then she didn't even flinch. Just flicked her hair off of her neck and pointed to his name. So this is what he does all day long when he meets somebody? Yeah. This is just standard?

I think so. They're just like, where do you live? Show him, baby. That's what I was going to say. Lifts up her shirt. Right. Says Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Yeah. And how are you doing today show him like he has to like point to which what's your favorite movie show him baby it's like a drama section comedy and uh we were joking around last night like

it's like like what's your name like show him baby and it just says lack of a positive male role model you know right there growing up desperately seeking father for you exactly show him baby um help me yeah get me out of call the police show him baby uh but uh um makes me think of, I was just at the DC Improv this weekend and had a lot of fun. And there were a lot of attractive women at the shows. And one of them in the lobby after the show, the DC Improv, they have a whole little sort of photo booth set up. It kind of looks like an Instagram picture already. So it's like a little box, like a whole little like sort of photo booth setup it kind of looks like an instagram picture already so like it's like a little like box like a frame so the headliner is supposed to be in there and then if people want to get pictures with them underneath it says like hashtag dc improv and stuff like that so which is a good idea good like social media marketing thing

and um uh so the dc improv has a staff member out there to take pictures for people so i was kind of to the right of this thing talking to some other people and uh a chick from the show was to my left and she was kind of like at the little photo booth thing and she taps me on the shoulder and she's like can you take our picture and i was like oh no like uh that guy will do it for you and uh she goes oh because you performed you're too good to take really sure too good and i was like and i was like no like i just didn't want to engage and just kind of like gave her the like head nod of like okay all right see you later and i just kind of turned away and um as she was leaving she like tapped me she goes you should have gotten visalign damn this face of like jesus christ and then she goes don't be mad braces don't be mad and i was

like what the fuck is your problem yeah total fucking cunt yeah total cunt yeah that is that is crazy yeah and i just yeah i do think people like kind of like once you're in like a like some sort of position of power like that like yeah think that they can that you have like no feelings or emotions yeah or that no i and i think it's just it's just classic like not even drunk girl just drunk mentality of like you know somebody's like uh like somebody this weekend they were trying to use the bathroom in a separate they have two little showrooms so somebody's trying to go in the wrong showroom they're like i just gotta go to the bathroom security's like well you can't there's a show in there you're in here and he's like you don't gotta be a fucking dick dude it's like he's not you're being the dick like

it's totally what she was doing like yeah like just like, what the fuck? What, are you too good to take my picture? Like, no, that's just not my job. Like, also, you're being a cunt. Like, should I just be like, oh, right away, man. Yes, yes. Let me take two just for safety. Have fun. Yeah, I kind of got into altercation with,

does altercation imply violence or is it just physicality? A physical? Well, there wasn't anything physical. Yeah. But I got severely reprimanded by a crossing guard. What? Yeah. Like a police officer? I don't know.

She told me to give her my license and registration, so I just did. That's why I like- Is this some crazy lady? I'm just thinking the whole time. Give me your license. No, I made an illegal Ue uh-huh and you know i she was right to to say something to me which i you know i freely admitted like okay i'm sorry yeah i shouldn't have done that and um but she like wouldn't fucking stop like she was just like going off on me and i was like being like totally polite and like oh i'm sorry you're right yeah and uh she just like and like i had passengers it was during an uber ride and like yeah yeah that was my next question like at least you weren't ubering no i was

and they wanted me to make the i was like should we just make this all right let's make this oh and then she got so pissed. Really? She's like telling them like, you better not ride with him ever again. He doesn't care about you. It just like kept going on and on. God, sounds like their mom like, doesn't respect you. Yeah, yeah, totally.

No daughter of mine. It was one of those things where like for a second I was like offended, but then it was so over the top that was like okay this is just funny yeah and like yeah it's kind of how it was with that chick i was just like this is so out of nowhere it's like yeah don't be mad don't right should have gotten visible yeah okay yeah like when it's so like they're acting so stupid that it's just like you're just kind of indifferent you know like that's that's the best way for things to be because yeah it sucks when you like get emotionally invested yeah yeah it's not like you're just kind of indifferent. You know, like that's the best way for things to be. Yeah. It sucks when you like get emotionally invested. Yeah, yeah.

It's not tying you in because eventually then you're just like, oh, this is insane. Right. Like there's a power in that that it's not getting you anymore. And totally like the – for some reason I've learned that like the best way with dealing with like angry authority figures I think is to just like be polite and stupid. Uh-huh. You know, just be like, oh, really? really okay and like she's asking me for my registration and i'm just like kind of

like taking forever like pulling out the wrong things and stuff and like hand her a spork is this it she was like she was like so pissed at me already yeah and like uh and she was like kind of like making me anxious by like you know by yelling at me to get my registration and stuff. Right. And then so finally she was like, you know what? I'm not going to wait for you to find your registration. I've got to do my crossing guard thing. So you consider this a warning.

And proving that revenge is a dish best served cold, I totally kept my cool the entire time until I got my license and my registration. Well, I got my license back. And then right before I left, I turned to her and I was like, hey, listen, don't be too nice to people. And I drove off. And she started screaming. I think she called me a jackass. That's pretty good.

That's like out of a movie. That was pretty good. That's like the beginning of the Mike Moran movie. That's where the wacky music comes in. That's like out of a movie. That was pretty good. That's like the beginning of the Mike Moran movie. That's where the wacky music comes in. It's like, ooh. And my riders were totally on my side, too. Really? You get a good rating?

I think so. Nice. Well done. And I ended it early so I wouldn't overcharge them. So they didn't have to pay for it. Good guy Uber driver. That's a good guy. And yeah, it's kind of like you had an audience for

that too yeah well done yeah i was happy about that um i had that once where uh um a cop uh i was at an intersection in uh it was like just outside of annapolis and i was leaving my uncle's house one day and i was at a stop sign and And when you come out of his community, like the road is like a pretty busy road and you can go like pretty fast. I think like 45 miles an hour. And a cop was coming from he was on that road and I was going to make a right to get on the road. And he was going much faster than i anticipated so i go to turn and then like he almost hits me and then pulls me over and was just a total fucking dick and like he uh like roll you know came up to my window i rolled it down and he he pointed at the stop sign he goes do you know what that is it's the worst can

you can you tell me what that is see i can't like i can't not just just like do something in a situation like that and he was just like just this middle-aged slubby piece of shit with a mustache just like you could tell he's just very very entitled and like yeah and like just leaned in and was just like i was like yeah it's a stop sign he goes it's a what and like just totally like just double down he's like because you almost hit me because i thought you didn't know what it was it's just like it's like what the fuck and i remember him just giving me like the most yeah just giving me like the biggest ticket he could and of course i went to court to fight it

and the best part was he showed up as well judge sided with me nice zero points zero fine i just had to pay the court fee nice what was his like response nothing i just kind of gave him a look and he like didn't i don't know just moved on yeah it's like it felt fucking great right because yeah it just what a fucking cunt yeah and i explained to the judge i was like i'm so i was staying at my uncle's and blah blah and uh and i just went to turn and he was going much faster so i kind of threw that in that like the cop was driving too fast yeah and uh that judge i was kind of nervous that day because uh i saw a bunch of other uh like moving violation um like defendants i guess i don't know what the word is but a bunch of people went there for

tickets as well i'm an idiot um and like try to defend themselves and one guy was one guy tried to use the i had to pee defense really yeah like i think a few people did like uh your honor i had to use the bathroom so i moved into the left lane and blah blah he's like oh that's not an excuse and then like gave them and i was like oh fuck if they're getting the ticket i'm definitely gonna get it and then one guy said uh he's like i was simply moving at the same rate of traffic and then the judge goes well everyone's speed so obviously you were speeding and then like gave it gave him the fine that's a pretty good response yeah and then so when he came to me i was pretty surprised he sided with me so maybe he knows that cop's a dick i'm sure that's not uh out of his norm to be a fucking cunt right maybe he knows

that guy like what a dick he is i've gotten some bullshit tickets man uh on ken island once i uh i was on i was on like just like a back road not too busy it was late at night i was dropping somebody off uh that i worked with that uh lito's pizza i was taking them home doing a good thing yeah and uh somebody was riding their bike in the in the lane and uh i went to go around them as you do and uh it was a double yellow line and a cop gave me um oh fuck what did he give me he gave me yeah he gave me herpes a ticket and then um reckless driving because he goes uh he's like what are you doing crossing that w line what you can't do that and it's like what the fuck am i supposed to do just follow this guy on a bicycle for like 10 miles to fucking and uh i was like it was it was it was

fine he goes ah no i've seen way too many people die like that or something like that like crossing that line like what the fuck got off for that one too nice people die like that. Something like that. Like crossing that line. Like, what the fuck? Got off for that one too. Nice. Yeah. You fought that one? Yeah.

Fuck yeah. Did he show up? Yeah. Yeah, because that one was bullshit too. Like reckless driving. What the fuck are you talking? Like how many people have done that thing where you just kind of go around like a cyclist? Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about?

I almost always get off with warnings though, no matter what. No, that guy was just a fucking dick i've uh i think i've only gotten one ticket that actually i think i got a pbj on it where i was way in the wrong i was driving my mom's car and uh i didn't realize it's a little toyota echo so it's just like a fucking go-kart compared to the huge cars that i drive and i was in the left lane just doing like 85 and the guy's like yeah you know you were going like way too fast right and i was like yeah i guess yeah i didn't even know so and uh so that guy was cool and he's like i have to give you like you're doing 20 miles like 30 miles over the speed limit because it's 55 and i was like yeah

um and then i took that to court but since I had a clean record PBJ Nice So I think I'm good Yeah Knock on fake wood here Sure So I think that's good man Awesome How about you?

Any tickets? Well I got a DUI when I was 19 Oh yeah What happens if you get a ticket If you're an Uber driver? Anything? I mean I think you just get a ticket I mean But I mean like Do you have to notify Uber or anything? I don i think you just get a ticket i mean i mean like it you do you have to notify

uber or anything i don't think so nice i think it would just kind of be like you know if you're with passengers so they very well might give you a bad rating but if you're with that yeah i could see that if you're with child if there's a baby on board and you don't put up your baby on board sticker but uh yeah i don't it's it's so weird like just how non-intrusive uber is with everything yeah like it's like having an absentee boss isn't that where they get flack though because like you do they take care of their employees because that's what i've seen like uber basically like not really yeah but it's kind of like that's kind of how i kind of like having like a landlord that doesn't really do anything but it's like never at the house you know right all right yeah i kind of prefer the pros and cons it's like

they're not like oh what a mess like you can just live right right over like up your ass all the time like salt dishes in the sink they don't give me shit about my pedophile dolls dolls yeah you know like a good person yeah exactly exactly exactly um i am uh i'm speaking of landlords uh our landlords are uh they're pretty cool because uh our furnace stopped working last week and that fucking sucked because i don't know if you noticed but it's been pretty pretty cold out it has have you noticed that that? Yeah, people are talking about it. People be talking about that cold weather. Yeah. So the furnace stopped working, and that fucking sucked.

And a guy came over, and it's happened before, and he fixed it. And then I think it was last Monday he came over, and he was like, he was like, oh, it's dead. He was like, dead? And then he goes, yeah, I mean, it's 23 years old. old and it's like how the fuck do i know how the furnace is um so luckily our landlords are cool and they paid for us to stay in a hotel really last couple days wow yeah it's really cool but i i talked to a few people and i thought i was like yeah it is really cool isn't it and they're like no that's what they're supposed to do like really yeah i've never heard of that because they have to take care of like they're supposed to supply

all that stuff my landlord would never do that really i don't fucking a hotel i seriously doubt it well so he's just gonna take it out of rent like next month yeah so it's not like i'm making right money or anything but uh yeah they couldn't put install a new furnace for a couple days. So we got to stay at a hotel. Yeah, it was fucking awesome. Which hotel? The Pier 5 Hotel. Nice. So it's like on the water in the harbor of Baltimore.

And yeah, and then like I got super sick last week. I have bronchitis. So I took off work as well. So I'm like staying in this hotel when like not working it was fucking awesome wow it's awesome uh i pulled a nice white trash move and brought the playstation 3 with me and brought some roseanne dvds i just watched a ton of roseanne and that's what it is i love roseanne it's such a good show i enjoyed it growing up i don't know if i would like it as much today i mean is it one of those things that holds up as an adult?

Totally. And for me, it's kind of fun seeing all the dumb 90s clothes and stuff. There's a couple of hacky jokes here and there, but I think the show did such a great job of actually showing a real family. There's real ball-busting sarcasm. Yeah. It really kind of went off the rails the last few seasons, though, right? Yeah.

It went nine seasons. The ninth season is the one where they win the lottery. I feel like even before that, it was ridiculous. Every other episode was a fantasy kind of episode where they're like rock stars. I think early on there's one like that but it's just Roseanne's dream.

Yeah, but I swear the last few seasons, they had some weird fantasy thing where there were police fighting terrorists. Really? Yeah, I remember thinking, how many times are they going to do this? I forget what's in season eight, but season nine is the one where they win the lottery. Yeah, and then it's stupid. Dan cheats on her supposedly and then it's sort of uh at the end you find out like she's having all these fantasies because dan died yes the well no she like right i don't know it started before that though that was a weird ass

fucking last episode i hated it really i kind of like the i kind of like the fact that they have they mended like the fact that the show had totally gone off the rails and took it back to reality. But it's so dark, too. It was very dark. Oh, man. But it was all supposed to be fantasy stories that she had written since an early episode where she was given a writing room by her family for her birthday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's such a weird ending.

And then we find out the real things that happened to all these people. Yeah, and then Dan cheating on her really breaks my heart because those two are like, I just don't like it. Because they're always such a good family. And seeing them break up like that feels like watching my parents. I'm like, Dan, how could you do that? You're such a good guy, Dan. She was there for you when you had the motorcycle shop yeah and then he opened up the lunchbox together you know yeah i remember that i love those guys yeah it's a fucking it's it's a great

show i'll stand by it so i'd watch it again i checked it out i loved it like for years and years like i'd watch the reruns yeah there's some really funny shit on there and they handled um they have a character on there leon that was gay and he's not like super over the top right i think the way they handled that was awesome yeah that definitely was revolutionary yeah and then i think they had several gay characters like wasn't her friend nancy or something yeah nancy because i think sandra bernhardt in real life ends up or is gay or is like bisexual. Yeah. So, yeah, they have that kind of like woven in as well. But I encourage everybody to go watch Roseanne.

Dan and Roseanne didn't sleep in separate beds. Nope. Nope. Yeah. They're like a queen size bed, which is weird. You know, and they had a colored character once. Chucky. Is that what you're talking about?

Yep. Yeah. It is funny in the early seasons to see how much Tom Arnold pops up when they hurt him and they're like, get the fuck out of here.

I liked also how his name on the show was Arnold Thomas. Oh, yeah. It was Arnie. Yeah. I have a weird... What's that called

when you... I don't know. You see a memory that... You see something or someone and it triggers like a weird thing in your head? A memory? A thought? Yeah.

Like you kind of go back to a traumatic event or something, like when you see or smell or feel something. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. see or smell or feel something. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah? So, like, John Goodman's face brings me back to when I was really young and had night terrors. Oh, no. We may have talked about this before. Maybe. Yeah, this is kind of triggering something for me. Yeah.

Like, I had this weird phenomenon. It really only lasted a few weeks and then never heard from it again when I was in, like, second grade or something where i would like have nightmares and like walk around the house and shit and like freak out oh my god it was like really terrifying and this isn't related to fish at all you know not not that i can remember john goodman just throwing fish at you you don't remember that um but anyway so like part one of these night terrors that's like still real vivid in my head that just won't leave was somehow my brain combined with the trailer for King Ralph. Okay.

In which John Goodman- Is knighting somebody. No. Close. I think he's wearing a crown. Yeah. And he is bowling in Buckingham Palace. Yeah.

And his bowling ball very comically destroys a priceless vase or vase. I believe it's pronounced vase. I'd also seen some sort of educational film about the French Revolution in which I was shocked to watch them behead kings and queens and royalty

and toss their heads into baskets. In my head, I had this dream that they did that to king ralph oh and went bowling with his head off john goodman's head yeah and in my head i can still see his head bouncing with a bloody stump that's a big head yes okay well i'm sorry you have that for me john goodman source of happiness. Sure. Because in that show, he's hilarious and a sweetheart. My dad said he was grumpy in real life and not very friendly. I can see that.

I think as you get older and you're pretty overweight, I bet your body... For me, I'm 29 years old and I just shit my pants for the first time. I also did an old man thing yesterday in the shower. I went to my dad's house to watch football and then i was uh gonna go to dc and uh do another show uh so i showered at his house before i was leaving because his shower has two shower heads no way it's fucking awesome wow it's like one on each side yeah and i asked him i was like whoa do you use both of those he goes i don't think you can and i was like you haven't even looked ever tried yeah and then i was like and then i was like they fucking work and he's like yeah well i was like

what do you mean it's fucking great uh but yesterday i was in the shower and as i was getting out i do like the the wet dog thing usually and i just kind of shake my head out and shake the water right shake the water off my head and i pulled something in my neck doing that and i came downstairs i was like oh fuck i fucked my neck up and my dad was like how it's like i shook my head in the shower and he just goes can't do that like everybody knows that like what do you think you're some type of superhero what's next you're gonna tie your shoes before you stretch what are you crazy everybody knows you don't shake your shoes before you stretch? What are you, crazy? Everybody knows you don't shake your head in the shower.

Yeah. Yeah, so that. Have you ever heard the saying, like, don't shake your head in the shower? Yeah, it's like. It's like, don't throw the baby out of the bathwater. Yeah, you're 29 now. What, do you have a death wish? Like, I don't mean to shake my head in the shower here, but. Yeah, I'm not going to do something that crazy.

But I can only imagine as you get older and you're, like, overweight and just all that, like, pulling on your bones probably put you in a pretty crabby mood yeah I'm in a pretty terrible mood all the time I'm not even that overweight no you're not overweight at all yeah I know but I do feel like my body is just broken permanently

now really yeah like you know when you're younger like you just kind of if something just kind of hurts like chronically it's all it is all it does yeah or like you're like wow my uh my what is that weird pain in my side yeah i'm gonna go get a burger yeah i just don't think about it but when you get older like those things become like physical like you know ailments that you know what i mean like the thing in my neck that used to feel weird is now like my neck not working in certain places right yeah i i saw a um something on the internet like a little like comic strip of like

comparing injuries as you get older and it's sort of that same thing and it's like then once like 35 and on like you stub your toe and it's like well this is how it ends huh like that's pretty much how i feel i'm like am going to fuck up my neck forever? Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's how I honestly like. I swear to God, like one night when I was like 25 or something, I was lying in bed and I felt like a muscle slide off my knee or something. Slide off?

Yeah, that's what it felt like. I was like, what? And then ever since, like the right side of my body is just like broken a little bit. I felt the muscles. Yeah, it's the weirdest thing. What? I don't know what the hell it was, but something jelly in there just kind of like slipped. And it hasn't returned?

No. It's all gotten worse. Have you told a doctor that story? Josh. Come on. See? She didn't laugh. I know.

I still got that bronchosaurus cough. Remember that summer when I had that horrible cough every time I laughed? Oh, yeah. Because I was being poisoned to death by my air conditioner. That was the worst. Yeah, because you didn't vent out your air conditioner. No, that wasn't it. I bought a portable unit because I didn't have a window in my room.

But isn't it supposed to go out to something? Well, no. I vented it to the vents in the wall. Yes, but that goes throughout your house. So you're just recirculating. I don't think that was it. Because I tried the vents in the wall. Yes, but that goes throughout your house. So you're just recirculating. I don't think that was it. Because I tried it again in the basement, which has a window. I did the same fucking thing.

Okay, so maybe it's just a faulty machine or something. I don't know. But still, that's not good. Yeah, it was awful. But yeah, I kind of have the old man laugh. Yeah, if you laugh too much start coughing um i want to give a shout out to a a dig head real quick yeah um mr ryan cornwell uh we were talking about uh you and i last week or last episode we're talking about the christian side hug video sure and he was not familiar and then he watched it and then said holy shit how have I never

seen this this is one of the funniest things ever I meant to share it on the Facebook page but yeah if you still haven't watched Christian Side Hug please watch it because it's a gift it makes you believe in God it's that Christian Side Hug

I referenced it too to some comics uh this past week none of them knew what i was talking about really three people like i don't know what you're talking about yeah that is always a little bit of an uncomfortable feeling to be like you have to watch this video right now yeah and then you're showing them like the word yeah that is the worst feeling when they're just kind of like what yeah yeah yeah and it's not even that long it's like it's been 11 seconds and you're not laughing. Right. It feels just like an eternity.

And you've got like a big smile on your face that's slowly fading. It's like creeping in. And you're like trying to think up excuses and reasons to like give these people. It's pretty loud in here. Like if you go home and watch it, you can hear it. Like you could totally. Yeah, no, I just, I thought it was funny when they do the little dance thing. I just, you know.

Yeah, like, you know. I think it's just when they do the little dance thing. I just, you know. Yeah, like, you know. I think it's just because, you know, my friend thought it was really funny, so I thought it was. Yeah, he was laughing a lot. You know, and then, like, you know, the other guys. That is the fucking worst. Laughing. Or, yeah, that's just like a tiny version of, like, oh, you haven't seen this movie? It's so funny or so good or whatever it is.

And you're, like, 20 minutes in and the person's just like blank facing. Well, I like it. I think I saw it when I was younger. So that's why it kind of resonates with me. It's a nostalgia thing. You know, it's just a silly action. You know, it's fun. It's not like it's high art.

Yeah. It's not like I'm saying this is an Emmy winner. Right, right. Movies, Emmys? If it's a TV movie. Emmys is TVs. Okay. The TVs.

So what's the movie award? Oscar. All right. Golden Globes, too. Golden Globes does both. All right. And what's the music video awards? I don't know.

The Cable Ace Awards? Is that what you're talking about i almost yeah well um at the hotel i was thinking about like getting like a pay-per-view something or other have you seen straight out of compton by the way oh fuck yeah i saw it like the first day it came out in the theater oh that's right and you liked it right yeah and i'm really excited to see the uh director's cut i have it if you would like to watch it. Really? Yeah. What do you mean you have it?

I downloaded it. Really? And I'm going to say I did not like it. What? I just thought, like, well, you know, it's just supposed to be a fun thing. When I saw it in the theater, you know, and, like, everybody was in a good mood. Well, I was into the comic book. That's why. That's how it into the comic book. That's why.

That's how it's supposed to be. It's supposed to be bad. I watched the cartoon as a kid. Right. And it was really cool to see it as a movie. It's intentionally campy. Bad on purpose. It's supposed to be bad.

To me, it was just so clear. When it's produced by Dr. Dre and Ice Cube. Oh, yeah. No fucking shit. Oh, yeah. Ice Cube, who turns out to be this genius. Oh, yeah. I just thought it was so heavy-handed.

It shows him writing Friday, and he's like, I'm going to knock you the fuck out. Now, that's funny. I wasn't so. And his wife's like, how's the script coming? He's like, it's hilarious. I wasn't so offended by that. I did think it was bullshit how they whitewashed, especially Dr. Dre's habit of beating the shit out of women.

Yeah, and then him marrying some chick and ignoring his child and shit like that. Yeah, it's like, wouldn't it be a better movie if you had a character arc of somebody whose fame got to their head? Yeah, and try to have redemption. Yeah, yeah. arc of like somebody who's like fame got to their head and yeah and try to have redemption or yeah i just it's just like dr dre's this like mellow genius throughout there's like nothing wrong ever and i guess you can't really show the intricacies of making a song but like how they do the snoop

dog thing too like they're like here's a beat snoop dog does it's like one two three i think that's fine because you have to like fictionalize it like that. I know. I know. I guess for me, there's just too many of those things. It's just like, oh, that's dope. Hit record. Like, no.

Yeah. It takes a long fucking time to figure this shit out, especially back in the day when you're recording on reel to reel and shit like that, analog style. And just knowing that's not how it happened. Like Snoop Dogop dog when he first met snoop dog he was like super timid and like dr dre had to like coach him up and all that stuff in real life yeah yeah yeah it seemed like it yeah but even in like the movie in the movie he's like too cocky yeah like all like all of a sudden like and then they're rapping back and

forth like he like points to dre and dre has this great verse and they're like i don't know you were rappers can do that yes but not for like a classic song like that like you can fuck around a little bit but it's not gonna be perfect the first time you do it i was okay with the heavy hand heavy-handed like i i don't know like forced kind of character and plot development i guess and that the line too of ice cube like i wrote all that shit it looked the white guy like i know cube i know you're a genius or whatever he says it like i know you're all over that record yeah i did i liked that they didn't make jerry heller to be out like they didn't make him look too bad you know yeah they could have really made him like you know they made him look like a scumbag the only version i've seen is the director's cut one oh really and I didn't realize that's the one I downloaded when I was like, I looked at the time and

I was like, holy, there's still an hour. It's like three hours long almost or some shit. It's like two and a half hours, I think. Yeah, I want to watch it. Yeah, it's real fucking long. I also thought they kind of downplayed Easy E's brilliant. I think he was the reason why they got famous, really. Yeah, and I don't know.

I guess from my perspective of, and know, and you have it too, of like doing stand-up and doing shows, it's so like it just doesn't happen that way where it's like you do one show at a roller rink and they're like, whoa, everybody knows the words. I don't think that's how. I think it was supposed to be like after a year of them getting big and they're low because it would like skip years, you know? Yeah, I guess. I don't think that's... I think it was supposed to be after a year of them getting big and they're low.

Because it would skip years. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I don't know. That's just how people think it goes. It's like, yeah, I just went up and played a song one time. Well, but for a group to get as huge as they were, that requires a perfect storm of things going right. Yeah, culturally, people hearing it and like

for the vast majority of artists we have to like spend years like you know yeah perfecting it and slowly working your way up but like yeah i think for like a lot of like rags to riches every now and then there's going to be a rags to riches type story totally and like those are the ones we're going to hear about yeah and i guess i for time's sake, you have to gloss over some stuff, but also, yeah, and like the first time Ice Cube raps,

he's like on meter, on beat, and like, when Dr. Dre's performing at that venue, and he still has like, his like, Dr. Getup.

I don't think that was supposed to be the first time he rapped. Yes, it was. Really? Yeah, live, the first time he rapped live, like, they made it? Yeah, live. The first time he rapped live.

They made it seem like, he's like, you ready for this shit? Don't fuck it up. He's like, yeah, I'm ready. I've been writing rhymes my whole life and blah, blah, blah. And then he just goes up and just murders it with all this confidence and shit. They're like, that was dope. It could have been. You know what?

They should have gotten the director of 8 Mile to do it. It could have used a little more grit and a little more realism, like you're saying there was some stuff like again i don't know what was cut out like they do show a scene where like they were outside of the studio and the cops are fucking with them like what are you doing in the side of the town yeah it's a true story yeah and then that's supposed to kind of be like what uh inspires fuck the police but um yeah i i don't know i it was just it's just very clear that dr train ice cube produced the film like you're not like wow mc ren really has a lot of admiration for ice cube like it's the arabian prince did it have the arabian prince in the longer version uh i don't know he was like the sixth member that's on the cover of Straight Outta Compton, but like

if it left right before they got big. If it does, I don't remember them being like, yo, Arabian Prince. Maybe. I don't know. There's some hangers on at Eazy-E's house when he's pissed about like downsizing his house and shit. Is that in the movie? Yeah.

But that was like after NWA. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah. I don't know i liked i liked some of it but some of the like heavy-handedness maybe i was just being too hard on it i was like expecting like it's like because everybody's like it's a great movie yeah it wasn't it wasn't perfect like it definitely yeah like some people are mad it wasn't nominated for like best picture and i was like no It's still like the B movie.

Dude, it's a notch above made for TV movie. I wouldn't go that far. Like an HBO movie. Maybe a really good one. Yeah, that's what I mean. I thought it was like... I don't know. It wasn't as good as Boys in the Hood. Right.

I would say it's better than Friday, though, but I'm not a big Friday fan. Well, you should talk to Ice Cube. I don't fucking get why people are so obsessed with friday i remember loving friday as a kid though but i think it was like i was the perfect age for it just like you got knocked the fuck out i watched it when i was like 15 or something really and i was like i don't know maybe i was like 12 or something i don't know well no i'm in the minority though everybody fucking loves it. Yeah. Quotes it and stuff. Yeah.

I had a great time. Is that really all that funny? You got knocked the fuck out? I think just cussing in general. Chris Tucker is hilarious. I don't know. I liked the whole Ice Cube getting fired on his day off and how people, how that kept coming up. People are like, how the fuck did you get fired on your day off?

Stealing boxes. No, I liked it. I remember seeing Next Friday in the movie theater when it came out. I remember my friend Scott Backman being very excited when we went to go see Sleepy Hollow and saw a poster for Next Friday. His introduction to there being such a thing. Interesting.

That's how you learned back in the day. Yeah, that was weird how you could just go to the movie theater and find out there's a thing. Interesting. That's how you learned back in the day. That's how you learned. Yeah, that was weird how you could just go to the movie theater and find out there's a sequel. Yeah, or like a poster for a movie that's coming out in six months.

You're like, no way. Right. Another Batman? Wow, Batman forever. Oh my God, I remember when I saw Ninja Turtles 2 poster for the first time.

Oh. Oh boy. Mike is sweating. He has a mint julep in his hand. My Lord, them turtle boys is at it again i remember just staring at the poster up and down and like what was the ninja turtles 2 poster it was like the first one is them peeking out of the manhole yeah which i had on my wall yeah me too and really wow um i think i i had the sequel was them standing around a broken vial of ooze.

Oh, yeah. They probably said ooze on it in big letters. Just to be clear. And in the shadows, we saw a shadow of what turned out to be two humanoid animals that they fought. That I think we all thought were going to be Rocksteady and Bebop. Yeah, Bebop and Rocksteady. And I think they were the same animals as Bebop and Rocksteady, and yet somehow they were named something else.

Oh, yeah. Which was really weird. Now, is 2 the one with vanilla ice? Yes. That has Go Ninja, Go Ninja Go? Correct. That also has another thing that it just catches on, like it's's in the newspaper the next day do you remember that in the movie what i uh i think um uh the podcast how did this get made did this uh went over that movie and it's like like they showed

the next day like frontline like headline news it's Ninja Turtles fight at the pier or something like that. Yeah, that should be in the papers, shouldn't it? Wow, Mike, great job. You crushed the poster. Your recollection. I may have had that poster in my room too, actually. I'm looking at it now.

Well done. Actually, this says it's the book cover, which is probably the same as the movie poster. Let's see here. Go, Ninja! Go, Ninja! Go! Yeah, I think Ice has done an updated version of that song as well. Really? And how did that go? I assume the words go and ninja are used several times.

I think it's playing on the recent trend of juggalos to use the word ninja. Ah. Yeah. How they like to use that word instead of the N word. Right. In reference to themselves. Sure. Interesting.

Yeah. Interesting. Let's see. well um all right do you want to talk about the uh the the daytime show at all or oh yeah yeah i want to talk about that oh well let's uh before wow we're like an hour in this is great um i want to talk about um uh the one the sad moments in your life we talked about it last time after our stephen avery argument right making a murder argument i still don't fucking understand how everybody in the world is into friday and thinking stephen avery is innocent and i don't get it i think there's there's definitely tampering going on do i know if he's innocent there's

no but there's definitely enough fishy shit going on that it's fucking weird. Right. But we'll save that for another time since we're an hour in here. But tell me about one of the darkest moments in your life surrounding a film. I'm sure many of you dick heads have experienced the film Dear Zachary I personally experienced it while breaking up with a

long term girlfriend pretty much fiance I would say of about four years you know it's kind of the weekend move everything's boxed up all the memories the apartment's looking bare uh it's rainy it's like march i think march or may so it's all right it's all rainy and cold and foggy outside yeah just the you know just one of those

horrible horrible times and like we it's not something where it's like I left and never saw her again and have my stuff sent to me. It's like we're actively working to end our relationship together. Yeah, and movies gloss over that stuff. It's like, well, it's over, but the logistics are glossed over. Exactly. We've got to divide up our shit. The next day you're not moving out.

You've got to schedule all that stuff, so you're in this relationship purgatory right yeah which is the worst fucking place to be yeah and um i uh and the worst part was like it was it we were breaking up basically because i was depressed like oh god. As though it couldn't get worse. Right. I'm so depressed, and then we break up because I'm really depressed. Jesus. Yeah, it was awful, man. That's the saddest snake eating the saddest tail.

Yeah. Oh, my God. And it fucking sucked. That was basically the bottom that I hit that has gotten me to where I am now as far as like. Well, then that's a silver lining. Yeah, definitely. No, it really is. Jesus Christ.

But yeah, so we decided to watch a film called Dear Zachary, as was our tradition to rent from the Video American. Okay. Back in my day, we had to rent videos Josh back in the 1840s huh uh-huh but the video store in Baltimore yes that no longer just that's defunct and so we watched documentaries together that's kind of what we did often. And so we watch a true crime documentary called Dear Zachary. Yeah. And it's already sad. Yeah. Because this kid's dad is dead.

And the whole narrative is the dad's friend making a documentary about the father's life for his son who is still alive. To show him like this is your dad. Exactly. This is his gift to Zachary yes and the the true crime part is that the mom is suspected of murdering the husband right and it's pretty obvious that she did it right but while she's awaiting trial yeah she still has custody of Zachary and so it's a weird thing where the family has to work with her and taking care of Zachary, the woman that they're accusing of murdering their son. Yes. And brother and whatever.

Jesus. And now we get our M. Night Shyamalan twist towards the end. And spoiler alert, everyone, if you haven't seen Dear Zachary. But it all ended up fine. Go check it out. Well, okay. your zachary uh but it all ended up fine go check it out uh well okay so we the whole thing is structured with you know like i said the father is presenting the whole documentary is this is for you zachary this is your father yeah and then we skip to zachary and the mom are missing and they can't find them and uh the narrator goes on to explain and the reason we couldn't find you, Zachary,

and the reason you're never going to see this video is because you're dead. Your mom killed you. And then killed herself. And killed herself, yes. Oh my God. And I said, so you're laying there with your ex-girlfriend

in your darkest moment. Yep. Watching possibly the darkest documentary out of nowhere. Just another punch right to the gut. Yeah, I remember I think I was actively like, oh, fuck, you gotta be kidding me. Just looking up at the heavens. What the fuck? I can still hear the audio of like, because your mother killed you.

Because you're dead zachary and it's like kind of like bordering on twilight and it's like the you know the room's not very bright because everything's packed up so we have like one light you know right yeah and it's just a barren room yeah it's awful fucking like portraits of us packed away in boxes and oh my god yeah it sucked oh but still like i mean looking back though that is just so funny because it's so it's so over the top i mean even at the time i think i had a sense of humor about it's like jesus because you're dead and then this is kind of unrelated but to highlight how badly my life sucked at the time, my legs stopped working.

Oh, yeah. You had that jelly muscle fall off. Yeah. Well, it might have been related to that, but I got fucking sciatica, I guess because I was so stressed out. At worst, my sciatica's acting up. No, but it made me not be able to walk. Oh, my God. In that same time frame?

Yeah. Within a few days, I had to move back into my mom's house, into my old bedroom. Yeah. After years of being independent and just totally admitting, well, I guess I'm just a piece of shit who can't do anything. No car. All of my money. My girlfriend at that time was going through law school, so like every last dime I had went towards her.

Wow, that's pretty selfish. Yeah, had fucking zero. Jesus, dude. And like no furniture or anything. Wow. And like was bussing tables. Jesus Christ. And I guess I was waiting a little bit at this place,

but I was mostly a busser. Right. Because I sucked at waiting there. So I was like, just make me a busser. because you'll never be a waiter mike moran because you're dead jesus oh so sad and then my leg stopped working what it's just the worst film like and you have no idea it's like all right well i guess we're both home let's check out a movie right and it happens to be about a kid yeah i was like you know what one last time let's go to video americaine get just a sweet documentary it's for a kid to learn about his dad his dead dad who was

murdered by his mom and then murdered by him and then she commits suicide anyway you need help with those boxes oh my god and i can't because my legs don't work and i remember like it wouldn't stop raining like for the for like weeks yeah like every day i'd wake up and it was gray and rainy like you're in the movie seven yeah yeah i remember like i and i'd have to like walk to the restaurant i worked at like you know in the morning with my like broken leg. Who's directing my life? David Fincher? What the fuck's happening?

It fucking sucked. It felt like that. It sucked. God, it sucked. I'm sorry. It's just so. I'm sorry. It's so fucked up.

It's funny. And I can laugh now because things are going great for you. So it's not like it's. Well, things. Yeah. I mean, things are. Yeah. going great for you so it's not like it's yeah well things yeah i mean things are yeah well you know i definitely you know there was definitely a good you know things went better after that slowly got better yeah you're fucking doing great dude i definitely felt like you know it was like i was thinking to myself like you know is this my fate

like am i just going to be like this yeah really depressed guy how old is mom at that time like 27 okay yeah but still like you still have plenty of time yeah yeah but at the time i don't know because like for years i like kind of i i prided my i felt like i had kind of you know proven that i could take care of myself and like i can live a solid life and be happy and you know yeah and then it was like okay well like i uh can't wait table successfully i'm breaking up girlfriend i'm moving back into my old bedroom yeah but everybody goes to that yeah yeah so um but no i think you're fucking you're doing great now thanks man you know just avoid those documentaries those sneaky uh you said it's like a meme now right where

people are like i'd like to recommend a film to those that haven't seen it. I think so, yeah. If you're looking for a nice little doc, just something, you know, you just want to chill out at home and watch a heartwarming movie, check out Dear Zachary.

Before we wrap this thing up. Laugh out loud. Comedy of the year. All right. I got to blow my nose real quick. So let's pause it before we wrap this thing up. And through the power of the pause button, we are back. Had to blow my nose real quick, so let's pause it before we wrap this thing up. And through the power of the pause button, we are back.

Had to blow my nose. Bronchitis still sticking around. That's quite the blow. Yeah, I just have these huge, like my snot is just huge white chunks, basically. Well, I think at that point it constitutes, it falls into booger territory, does it not? I don't know. It's just gelatinous and massive. Yeah, it's called a booger.

I guess. I just have giant fucking boogers. But yeah, so another comedian, Ramin Mastafavi, had bronchitis. Nick Oldershaw had it. He was coughing up blood. Really? Yeah. Wow.

And he said not just like, oh, there's a little bit of blood in my phlegm, like Tarantino produced his bronchitis. It's like the shining. Yeah. A Kubrick joint was, yeah. Yeah, so we're going to wrap up here, but yeah, there's another show I wanted to talk about at the beginning

of the podcast, but I forgot, but Alex Broslowski and I hosted we do Chuckle Storm and we mixed it up this month and hosted a daytime talk show. Yeah, it was awesome. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah, thanks for coming. Sure.

We called it Wake Up, and we did it at 1 in the afternoon on Saturday at a cafe here in Baltimore. It was fun as shit, man. The song at the beginning was so good. Yeah. I was the only one laughing. It actually was a really good song. Yeah, it was. I thought it was really good. That's what made it laughing like it actually was a really good song yeah

like i thought it was really good so yeah that's what that's what made it even funnier yeah but it was serious i love how they played it yeah so matt pagan and sean lotta uh produced a song for us called wake up and uh they're both dressed the same they had uh blue sweaters and like i think kind of like red flannel shirts collared shirts on underneath and uh just had sort of like a little like techno beat like and uh the song was called wake up little boy it's like wake up little boy and then they did that that fun thing where like vocalists go back and forth like wake up wake up wake up, so good. Yeah, that's how we opened the show. And then they played a little bit of music when we'd bring up guests. And then they'd go off and stuff.

And yeah, if you want to see pictures, you can check out the ChuckleStorm page on Facebook. And Kirsten Pagan took some great photos. But yeah, it was fun, man. We had stand-up. We had a craft segment. And DDM, who was on the show, we we had him on i got to beatbox with him yeah that was cool that was so fun man he made me nervous really because he's a guy i think that doesn't like tolerate bullshit yeah he is like pretty remember when he was on the podcast he

kept saying like you're trying it yeah trying it like like uh i i wanted him to freestyle and i knew he was going to be down for that um and i didn't know if that's weird like like if that's like etiquette for like comedians like oh tell a joke it's like well it doesn't really you know like would you freestyle for us you're a rapper you know and so he was down i kind of think people that freestyle want you to ask them to freestyle yeah maybe it is different yeah um but yeah so i was just like yeah so i asked him to do that and then uh i wanted to beatbox for him and i brought my loop pedal because i can kind of do not to definitely not to the degree that reggie watts does it but like loop the beatbox and kind of

add stuff to it so i was going to do that but then he kind of challenged me like he gave me a look like i couldn't beatbox like so i just wanted to do it the whole time and uh he was just kind of staring at me so i was like all right i'm gonna do it but we have to stare at each other in the eyes nice and then when i started beatboxing he got like this big smile and he's one of those guys that has like such a warm personality when he smiled it made me really happy and i was like oh that feels good and then he was like you're being unprofessional if we were on stage i'd kick you the fuck off really he said something like that well i mean he was like fucking around yeah but uh he said we'll keep going but then yeah like beatboxing for him and then having him freestyle was so fucking cool it was a lot of fun and uh we

interviewed some random guy that came in that was fucking hilarious like that bordered on like like for a second i was like that's kind of not cool yeah but it it ended up being great all around he was the perfect guy for it so because we i i wish there was some audio of it but uh so we were doing it at a cafe and where we were set up was like right by the door and um like a bunch of people were there just for the show, but there were some people filtering in and out that were like, you know, it's just their cafe they go to on Saturday, have a coffee, get some work done. And where I was, I was right by the door.

And I told Alex I wanted to do this, like just have like a random person on the show, but tell the audience beforehand. And then so when somebody walks in, like a whole crowd of the show but tell the audience beforehand and then so when somebody walks in like a whole crowd of people just applauds them and like we're like oh my god it's so and so and have them but this guy like it ended up being a little bit different like i forgot to tell the audience we're trying to pick out the right moment to do it because we didn't want to do it during somebody's set while they're doing stand-up or interviewing somebody else

so it's just like the perfect transition moment right this guy like he has his messenger bag and he just looks like he just wants to get his coffee like he opens the door sees that there's like 50 people in chairs like all staring straight at him two guys with microphones and uh then he just kind of puts his hand up and does that universal like whoops sorry i didn't and then like it's like no no come on in and like and he's still like no yeah he's like nah i'm good but i had enough mic cord that i could follow him outside and i was like get the fuck inside and like he was just the perfect guy because he was so reticent at the same time but he was willing to play along yeah like it would have sucked if we had somebody it's like oh i'm just here to work on my boner,

like try to make a joke or something silly. But he's here to work on my boner. Just here to get a boner. You know, something hilarious. Let me write that down. So yeah, we brought him in, and Alex and I are interviewing him. And we're like, so what are you doing here?

And he's like uh math i think we asked him like what his job was what did he say it's like something it wasn't to well i think he he uh it was well he's going to school right he's going to school so i think he was just going to do his homework yeah basically yeah and uh and so we're treating that like this is next project like a celebrity like wow very cool that great. Tell us a little more about that. Yeah, you guys were rolling. We're like, so tell us a little more about that. He's like, well, it's based on geometry.

Wow, interesting. Interesting. And then Alex kept going and going. That's what's funny about you. And then Alex had the great idea of bringing parting gifts. So it's like he didn't have to be a complete dick like he we had a soup bowl and then somehow alex had a food sampler from food line yeah that was like i guess made for like like an easy like i don't know i think it's like just like a family package

because it was like mac and cheese and like soup and just like five random things and like i think alex joked that it's like for poor families like well how much money do you make a year it's like 20 000 like wow you're poor as shit so you can take this and like his name was vitality such a good guy and then i wanted to buy him a coffee do you remember that yeah and i was like can i get your coffee and he's like no no thank you and i was like well let me just get your coffee and he's like no i'm just gonna go somewhere and do my work and i was like we'll take a coffee with you and he's like no no thank you and i was like well let me just get your coffee and he's like no i'm just gonna go somewhere and do my work and i was like we'll take a coffee with you and he's like well i can't because then i'm bringing another coffee to another establishment very true but it's so it's such a perfect answer like uh he was the perfect guy that was one of those

things where you just have to thank the comedy gods like it was just a perfect moment so that was awesome but yeah everybody involved was great It was fun having a craft segment. And Ben O'Brien and Umar did stand-up. And Sean and Matt did a great song. And Matt Manning played a character and told a story. Yeah, it was fucking awesome. Which I didn't realize was an Alex Brozlovsky story. I don't know if it is completely.

I mean, he said the Moldova thing. But yeah, I don't know if it's that. He told said the maldova thing but yeah i don't know if it's that he told me that that's a story that alex has told and he just told his story without telling him oh wow i didn't know that that's awesome um so yeah so yeah check out uh chuckle storm on facebook you want to see all those pictures there's some really good pictures and we had a we had a great time i was nervous to do a show in the middle of the day but i think it was i think one o'clock on a saturday is perfect people sleep in you gotta eat something then you get coffee and then we were done at like you know like quarter after two and then you still have your whole fucking day yeah yeah so yeah and we might try to do that every month or yeah every other month but

yeah it was at the bamf cafe so everybody check that out and uh yeah it was great so if anybody's listening that came out to that thank you for coming and uh i think we can wrap it up we did like an hour plus here man um anything else uh no i want to give a shout out to josh for being an excellent friend oh wait and uh no josh peterson oh okay no yeah no uh you know josh has uh Oh, wait, me? No, Josh Peterson. Oh, okay. No. Yeah, no. You know, Josh has really been my homeboy lately, and I appreciate that. I kind of gave him some shit that I feel bad about giving him. Oh, buddy. No.

And, you know, I want to fucking say. I'm trying to have a moment here, Josh. Are you nodding off on heroin? He tried to have a moment here Josh Are you nodding off on heroin? He tried to have a moment What are you doing? No you're just leaning over And you have your eyes closed I want to say

Congratulations on Everything you're doing With stand up and everything You're doing a really good job Oh thank you man And I'm proud of you Thank you man I appreciate that

Not God damn it I am No man And I'm fucking proud of you. You fucking crush it. You're a great writer. And like, you know, the sky's the limit as far as that goes.

Like getting, especially now with like online publications and shit, like you're all over the place. So it's fucking great. Thanks, man. And always a hilarious dude. And you're my homeboy too. I love you, fella. I love you too, buddy.

Love you, fella. You want to watch a heartwarming documentary with me you wanna see my pedophile doll you wanna borrow my pedophile my two man

my two man pedophile doll like it's it has two shower heads come to the two buttholes man if you wanna does it kinda feel like you're in the middle of

like a male male female threesome with two shower heads uh yeah that's how i like to think about it yeah it's weird that they're shaped like dicks too but my dad said the shower heads came like that with the house so i don't know i did always think that was funny like in gym class or something for some reason like the the little shower heads would look like penises like you know like when they'd be like those old like they're like tiny they look like robot penises yeah let me go bathe in the robot cock before chemistry class tandem that's the word i was trying to think of a tandem tandem pedophile doll. Yes. Okay, let's wrap it up here. A pedophile doll built for two.

Oh, my God. What a classy note to go out on. But that's our show. So, as always, we really appreciate everybody that listens. So, yeah, find us on Facebook. Say hello. I love hearing back from people and uh what they think about the show and all that stuff and shout out to people that are listening to older episodes too we can see

how many people are listening to every episode each month and each month we always like i like to you know i like to look at our numbers for the current episode but if you go back there are people listening like to every episode each month. It's crazy. There's downloads. You can see it's not like it's fucking a ton of numbers, but still the fact that people will listen to one and be like, all right, I want to go back and listen to the back catalog. It's fucking great. Yeah, so we really appreciate it.

And if you guys want to give us a rating on iTunes or Stitcher, that would be the tits. And yeah, say hello on the interwebs. Come to a live show. Check out digressionsessions.com slash calendar. And yeah, thank you guys so much for listening. We'll talk to you next week. We love you.

Love you. David Koechner, take us out. Digressionsessions, come on to an end. Thank you. Oh, yeah.