The Digression Sessions - Ep. 180 - Hal Sparks (@HalSparks)

Episode Date: February 8, 2016

This week, we have the very kind and funny, Hal Sparks! You know Hal from Talk Soup, Comedy Central, VH1, Lab Rats, and as the guy in the memorable "kind of rides up in the crotch: elevator scene in Spider Man 2! This episode is also the first Dig Sesh interview to not feature Josh Kuderna -  just Mike and Hal on this one! Though, the DigBoys do a long discussion/intro before getting to the Hal segment. Follow your boys, Mike & Josh, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.  Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram Mike - @MikeMoranWould on Twitter The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook For live stand up and improv dates, check out - DigressionSessions.com/Calendar Thanks for listening, all! Do us a favor and rate and review us on iTunes & Stitcher plz!      

hey everybody i'm josh kaderna and i'm mike moran and you're listening to the digression sessions podcast a baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers. Join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence. As we interview local and non-local comedians, writers, musicians, and anyone else we find creative and interesting. Yes. Who's the guest this week? Hal Sparks is the guest on this week's podcast, Michael. And he, you might know him from the show Queer as Folk.

Yes. Especially you, Mike. Oh. Numerous stand-up specials. And I was first introduced to this fellow from Talk Soup. Oh, yeah? Back in the day. And I was first introduced to this fellow from Talk Soup back in the day. And I always thought he was funny. And it turns out he's a really, really sweet, talented man.

He really is. Very good stand-up. And he was at McGoobee's this past weekend. And you can find him on Twitter at HowSparks. HowSparks.com. Find out if he's coming to your town. But Fonazzo worked with him last year or the year before and said he could not have been a nicer guy yeah he's totally awesome and uh so your friend uh and my friend rachel reached out to him on twitter asked him if he wanted to do the podcast on our behalf which is very nice definitely and

he said yeah so you got to uh you got to interview house sparks solo on this one in the magubi's green room yeah a dig sesh first. I gave you the gear. I took you to the bus stop. I waited with you. I packed your lunch. I know. And I sent my baby boy off into the world. And he came home with a podcast. I'm proud of you. Yeah. Hal Sparks

hates us now, by the way. Does he? No, I'm just kidding. Oh, no. God damn it, Mike. He just hates you. What? I listen to the podcast. He's just trashing me the whole time. Hal's like, oh, yeah, God damn it, Mike. No, he just hates you. What? I listen to the podcast. He's just trashing me the whole time. I was like, oh, yeah, I listen. That guy's a douche. I would stay off the internet for a while.

Avoid all the comment sections if you could, pal. Don't look at your at replies on Twitter. But what did you guys talk about? I don't even know what you talked about. You know, it was one of those, and I think this is what a lot of people appreciate about the Dig Sesh. It wasn't a back and forth joke session. Yeah. It was a kind of philosophy of life type thing.

Interesting. And boners. Lots of boners. Okay, philosophy and boners. No, you know, we talked about kind of our motivations for comedy, why, you know, we talked about his philosophy on why he loves stand-up and why he feels like it's like a un-tappable, like it's, you can't tap out on it, you know? Like there's always material to draw from as long as you're living.

Right, right. And we talked about Faith No More, and we talked about skepticism, and we talked about skepticism and we talked about ghosts. You sound like the perfect guy for this podcast here. Yeah, yeah. What are his thoughts on ghosts? I don't know. He refused to talk about them. I kept bringing it up.

Really? I kept pushing it. No, I'm just kidding. No, he's of the variety that believes nothing is paranormal, that there's only science we haven't discovered yet, and perhaps ghosts fall into that category. Interesting. Okay. All right.

Well, this guy sounds right up your alley with the skepticism. Yeah, we had a great time. Wow. That's some good booking right there. Yeah. You know, that's the universe, too, lining you guys up. Yeah.

He might actually, we talked about replacing you with him. But maybe someday we can have you as a guest, you know? I would love that. I mean, especially if you guys are going to record in my basement. Yeah, yeah. I mean, don't hold your breath. But, you know, who knows?

Who knows? Okay. Okay. Slow news. Yeah, sure, sure. That's fine. So I'm glad you got to interview Al. And we're going to get into that in a second.

But first, let's promote some of our own stuff. Let's do it. And let's you and i catch up a little bit because i haven't seen you since the last podcast and you weren't even on that podcast so i haven't seen you for like two weeks i think really it's been a minute yeah or no uh no concept of time anymore last sunday so like a week ago when we went to uh uh cellar door for the show yeah but even then we only like hung out a little bit. Right, right. Yeah, I tried to avoid you as much as I could.

In the backseat. Just keep moving your rearview mirror. Okay, so stuff to promote this week. This Thursday, I will be doing the Power of Positive Drinking show. Not sure where that is. Sorry, I'm blanking on that one. But if you go to digressionsessions.com slash calendar,

you will see all of Mike and I's dates. But I know that Friday and Sunday, I will be, so what is that, the 12th and the 14th, I will be at the Nota Viva Vineyards in Virginia, in Purcellville, Virginia, hosting shows for Jason Weems. Excellent. Yeah, I did it last year. I did one show. It's this show that Jason Weems, hilarious comedian, that he does every year at this vineyard for Valentine's Day weekend.

And he normally does one show, and this year they're doing three. And, yeah, it's great. I love entertaining white folks that like wine. Sure, who doesn like wine and that's what it's all about. Absolutely. It's a, it's a lot of fun. Um, so yeah, I'll be at those if you live in the area, but, um, the big one I want to promote for Baltimore, it will be this Saturday, the 13th. I'll be closing out the second Saturday shit show. Very excited for that. It's in the upstairs of the Auto Bar here in Baltimore, and it's free. Doors are at 7 o'clock, so get there right at 7. Let's hang out, have a beer. And the lineup is really good, too, so I'm very excited for that one.

So come out to that. And that's all I got this week. Michael? I don't have anything this week. I do, however, have something on the 19th i'll be at the uh platform art center doing the art of comedy at uh 9 p.m where is that uh it is in mount vernon ah okay so baltimore yes okay uh on the 20th i'll be doing improv at the mercury theater and then i will be doing the shit show next month on the 12th nice nice yeah it's

always a fun show so come up to the upstairs of the auto bar and uh yeah all the stand-ups are good it's a good environment and then we get out of there pretty early so come in and then the show's usually done like around nine because you have to be done before the band start downstairs or it's terrible and very loud um yeah so so come out to those. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram. I am at Josh Koderna on both of those. The podcast is at DigSeshPod. Michael? I am at Mike Moran Wood.

There it is. W-O-R-N-E-L-D. All right, well, let's you and I just catch up for a second. All right? Let's just catch up. I bought a $900 bed. Yeah. Sorry, I tried to whistle there.

You just blow it. People just hated that. I just blew right in their earbuds. Yeah. Well, that's apparently how much beds cost. God, how does anybody make them in this world? I don't know. I have a pretty nice bed, but it was a hand-me-down.

Yeah, I've always had hand-me-downs up until like last week uh-huh and where did you go to purchase this bed uh just out of a van just a guy was driving around ring billy bed bugs yeah well he's counting big yeah ringing a bell no bed bugs uh now i went to uh sleepies, which happens to be this week's sponsor, Sleepy's. Their beds are expensive as shit. I think I was one of Charles Manson's girls. Sleepy. Sleepy. Tried to kill the president.

Yeah. Yeah, I just went to, yeah, there's a mattress store not too far from where I live, so I just went there and was like, what do you got? And it was just me and one lady. Her name was Kim. She was very helpful and laid on a few beds. And she's like, put your shoes on there. Just go for it.

Wow. Get comfortable. And I did. Now, what I'm worried about, Michael, is the... Everybody else put their shoes on there, too? Yeah, but there's like a little slip cover thing. And she's like, roll on your side. If that's how you sleep,

you gotta know how you're gonna feel on the bed. I was like, all right. make humping motions if you must josh do you want to eat a bowl of macaroni and cheese at two in the morning that's fine you lay on your back and you masturbate or uh what do you do you're one of those weirdos that gets like on your knees kind of like hunches over go for it i'll put a slip down yeah um and it is funny too like the old school like stereotypes and she's like and the sides of the bed have extra foam because you know if you have a lady she's gonna be sitting on it putting on her makeup we love putting on our makeup you know how those ladies are watching the notebook on the side of the bed yeah and i was like good point

good point binding up her feet yeah i put a little kitchenette right next to the bed so this way she can just cook right there god i could not in a million years be a salesperson like that yeah it was yeah i i felt bad too haggling because it was all going to be like a thousand dollars and i was like can we do cheaper like i don't even know like i don't even know that's your first time yeah i don't even know how to like at least like speaking not be a thousand yeah like even just speaking metaphor is just like what i would like is for the bed to be cheaper perhaps we can roll over on those prices. You could not make it $1,000. So she's like, all right, what do you want to do?

Maybe you suddenly threatened to burn the place down. How about for fire insurance? How much does that factor in? I'll murder you. Let's just say. Yeah, so she's like, well, what do you want to do?

And it's like, $800? And she's like, I can't do that. No, I cannot i cannot my boss is gonna kill me for this pretty much yeah and then she had to like call some managers and get approved to knock it down a hundred dollars so again i don't know if i made like a good deal like that could be a part of it like the phone probably wasn't even plugged into a wall she's like gary there no i'll call back then all right all right i'm gonna have to go out of district and call down to whatever shop i'm gonna talk to captain sleepy himself i bet you like both walked out captain sleepy i bet you like both walked out of there like yeah exactly exactly uh so i may i may uh switch the

mattress out and try to get a new one because I have up to a month. And if I exchange it, it costs $150. Well, we'll see. You can't put a price on a good night's rest. It's true. And I think I like that it's firm, but I don't know. I was totally being sarcastic. I didn't expect you to agree with me.

No, it's true, man. So literally. You spend 90% of your life sleeping. I spend more than that. Have you heard that statistic? There is a statistic out of your entire life. You spend 300 years of sleep if you put it all together. Yeah, if you put them all together and lay it down in a straight line,

it could circle the earth twice. Yes. That's how it goes. It could go to the moon and back. Same with your intestines. Did you know that? More kids can recognize a mattress than can recognize the Christian cross these days. And that's the real problem.

I'm Josh Katerna. Jesus Christ. Polar bears are dying. To get on this mattress. But I looked it up online and what it costs online in Sleepy's, like the whole package was $1,300. So I feel like i did all right okay well do you were you having flashbacks to our years old episode with brian preston in which he explained to us the uh seedy underbelly of the mattress industry no you don't remember that no i know that there that the mattress industry there's a

lot of haggling involved that's why i was like let's make it not expensive right and that's how that's i read the art of the year a smooth one smokes a cigarette all right you got me you got me over a barrel on this one let me call down this round let me call down to mr sleepy himself and glenn bernie or like she opens an office door and like a big scary guy's looking a chair that spins around he has like a severed head in his lap yeah petting it but it's like a really cute mascot She opens an office door and a big scary guy is looking at a chair that spins around. He has a severed head in his lap and he's petting it. But it's a really cute mascot.

It's just a big pillow with eyes. What did Brian say? Well, one of the points he highlighted was that they will do the if you don't care about the color trick. I guess with the box spring and the mattress matching. yeah she didn't do that okay that's the only one i remember the only box spring part was do you want like a nine inch or a five inch or 13 inch or five inch yeah i wonder which one josh picked six footer six footer uh yeah so uh so yeah bought a bed and i hate spending money it's what like some of my family and friends and stuff like finazzo came over and uh he's like just get a new bed what do you just hate spending money and i'm like yeah i'm the same way like yeah like

who like wouldn't isn't it more favorable to be cheap like wouldn't you like wouldn't it be a more of a bummer if you came over and i was like gold toilet pretty cool huh not bad yeah but that's a gold toilet's different than like a comfortable right you need a gold toilet sure right yeah but i mean or like just buying dumb shit like i don't know like it's just weird like oh somebody's cheap like yeah i want to hold on to my money oh yeah i i don't know i'm weird with that i'm i'm pretty good with money i think yeah compared to like not you but most other people that i know it seems like most people our age are just kind of like financial wrecks you know yeah they just it's just very flu like i'm broke and i'm like

are you yeah like oh i can't afford to to go to chipotle or something like what literally you can't spend nine dollars right yeah jesus christ yeah but it's like i don't know i've always been really anal about that um i don't know like i just i've wanted to prove my independence or something yeah i don't know what it is for me either maybe it was growing up well you're kind of on your own well i was growing up in the depression and then time traveling it really messed me up yeah and plus you blew all your money on the time travel program. Yeah, I know. God damn it. What are the odds? No, I don't know.

I mean, I grew up fine. It was all still just middle class. But as an adult, you were kind of like just... A little bit, yeah. Once it got around college and stuff. But yeah, one time my grandma got in my car and I had a banana peel on the floor on the passenger side. She slipped on it.

No, she was just like, oh, my God. Creationism is real. Whoa. It fits right in my hand. No, she just goes, she's like, just buy it. Just buy a new car. And it's like, there's a fucking banana peel. And then I think my dad was in the backseat and was like, oh, got him.

He's so cheap. I'm like, hey, man, it's a fucking banana peel. And also, cars are just so cheap. Just go buy a $20,000 car. You can't throw out the banana peel. You just have to demolish the car. Burn it. Oh, that is what that is.

Put it on Steven Avery's lot. The woman from Sleepy's told me, she's like, there's a $150 charge if you want to exchange the mattress and that is because we destroy it. Really? Yeah. And it's like, that doesn't seem very economical. No,

like why destroy it? Like give it to somebody. Yeah, give it to a hobo or something. Yeah. Send it to fucking Africa. Yeah. Also,

just calmly saying we destroy it kind of gave me chills too. What do they, do they have like a big furnace in back, like a crematorium? More mattresses! They come through on a conveyor belt? Yeah. It's like in A Christmas Carol or whatever?

Yeah, all sleepies run on a furnace of burning mattresses. They're just a guy just shoveling them in. They destroy them. Yeah. More mattresses! Or they have a big sulfuric acid pit in the back. They dip them into. Exactly.

So, yeah, I'm living large on that tip. So, yeah, not bad. What's going on with you, man? Same old stuff, you know. Yeah. Starting a rock band with an all-comedian rock band. Oh, who's in that? So far, we have Mickey Cacella.

We have Tommy Zimbazo, past guest. Eric Woodworth. Ian Salyers, I believe, is going to cover the leads. Okay. Eric and Tommy both play guitar, I assume. There's going to be like 14 guitars in this band. Yeah, everybody just plays guitar. But, you know, it's not going to be about the musicianship.

Yeah, and who do you have on drums? Ryan Nazer, we believe, is going to cover drums. Okay. I mean, you know how it is with bands. Half the people that sign up will drop out before the first practice. Yeah, yeah. But we'll see. Everybody seems to be pretty excited about this, too.

Cool. And cover band, I'm sure. Yeah, yeah. Also, our friend... Matt Betts. And also Matt Betts. What's Matt playing? He might do some of the leads as well.

Okay. So we've literally got, I think, five guitarists. Yeah, that's so like comedians, too. Just like, I'll play lead. I'll be out front. Okay. All right. Who's going to play? No, actually, it was kind of the opposite. Everybody's like, I don play lead. I'll be out front. Okay. All right. Who's going to play?

No, actually, it was kind of the opposite. Everybody's like, I don't want to do the solos. Oh, okay. Okay. All right. Well, that's good. Well, let me know if I can fill in on a couple songs on drums. Absolutely.

Does Nazer have a kit? No. Okay. Mickey does. Oh, he does. I think. I kind of do. I might need to buy some stuff, but I'm going to buy a car soon.

Are you? No. I'll just keep driving my shitty car. I'm fine with it. How many miles you got on that bad boy? Like 152,000. I think when I got it, it had like 18. Really?

Yeah. I mean, it's a few trips to like very northern New Jersey, Outer Banks a few times, D.C., Virginia. Very northern Parkway yeah yeah so yeah i put a ton of fucking mile between going to like dc every week and stuff too yeah i've put in 20,000 miles since the summer on my car yeah that's an uber amount of miles come on i'm just trying to lift your spirits uh i'm glad you ride-shared that with me. Thanks for ride-sharing. I hope our Uber black people fans enjoyed that.

Hey. Wait, was the lift your spirits thing also a reference? Yes. I missed that one. Jeez, come on, buddy. I was trying to think of a lift one. Come on, buddy. Let's see. There's something I wanted to circle back to real quick,

and we can get in. Oh, we've been chatting a while. People, they want to hear the house sparks. Absolutely. They just want to hear the non-Josh. Yeah. Like, oh, God. Real quick, Michael.

That was so awkward. This made me think of it because I was going to try to make a joke about Uber helicopter. Did you hear that they might do that? No. i i uh this made me think of it because i was going to try to make a joke about uber like helicopter could you hear did you hear that they might do that no i don't know if it's just a rumor but awesome yeah i mean how fucking rich do you have to be like let me pull out my app to get a helicopter to come why isn't that a thing why are there not like helicopter services i don't know there might be i think that's i think they're kind of floating the idea it could just be like an internet rumor but it could work too at the same it's one of those

that's just crazy enough to work but it would have to be so expensive um that should totally be a thing you should just like go to a platform yeah wait for a helicopter i guess helicopters can't really carry that many people though yeah well you probably like two or three same as a car i bet yeah that's true but like an airplane yeah well we'll get that uber airplane together uh i got to work from home four days in a row last week wow and it was lovely nice i was this close to becoming a shut-in very close uh because obama he visited his first mosque. Yeah, he got me stuck on the freaking exit to the highway.

Fucking Obama. Yeah. Yeah, he... Lost my vote for third term. Sorry, pal. Two's enough. All right? Nice try, Eisenhower.

Yeah. He was historically visiting his first mosque, if you believe that. Right? Okay, Comrade Obama. But they were using our parking lot at Social Security as a landing pad for his helicopter. It was on a Wednesday. Now, I already telework Monday and Thursday, so they're going to practice on Tuesday for Wednesday. And so four days in a row, got to telework.

Wow. All because of Obama. So thanks, Obama. Is that a, I can't tell if you're angry about that or not. No, I appreciate it. I wish he would land his helicopter, visit all the mosques. Sure. Come back every goddamn week.

Yeah. It was great. Yeah. Remember when he visited that mosque, Charmington's? Oh, yeah. Yep. Yeah, I do. He made that really poor joke.

He was like, I'll have a la the coffee. I'll have a latte. Yeah. A latte. That's an inside joke. There's a coffee shop here in Baltimore called Charmington's he went to one time. Are you referencing Phil Anselmo there? No.

Oh, you didn't hear about his controversy? No. The whole metal world is against him now for doing a sea kale and a white power on stage with Dave Grohl. Wait, what? Yeah. Him and Dave Grohl did it together? No, he did. Dave Grohl was on stage with him. Why would he do that? He claims,

this is why I thought you were referencing him, he claims it was an inside joke about drinking white wine backstage. Hmm. But, yeah, everybody's really turning against him, like hardcore. Yeah, well, I mean. He even offered to quit down because they're getting kicked off of all these events. Well, to be fair, he did get Dimebag Darryl murdered.

So this wouldn't be his first brush with controversy. And, yeah. this wouldn't be his first uh brush with controversy and uh yeah i yeah i i root for that guy because i was such a fan of him as a kid but he really kind of turned into a piece of shit yeah and i do feel bad for him his neck and back are all like really really fucked up right right i saw like a mini documentary about it like every morning he has to do like a ton of like stretches and exercises before he even starts his day. He just wakes up in crippling pain. Yeah.

Because I think he already had back problems, and then I'm sure constant touring and then jumping around on stage. Well, yeah, I think he got it from stage diving. I think it was one specific event. Oh, God. But I don't know. I kind of liked him the last... I thought he was kind of a douche but then like the last few years he seemed like really self-deprecating and like kind of making fun of

his younger self a lot you know um yeah yeah but i don't know just the thing of like i know he says it was taken out of context or whatever in that interview because that's the whole thing that led to dime bag and getting shot and the crew members. You know what I'm talking about, right? Yeah, I think that was just speculation. I don't think the guy actually... I don't think there's any evidence that he was influenced by anything he said. Well, there certainly seems to be a correlation to me when an interview Phil Anselmo says, the reason Pantera's not getting back together is Dimebag Darryl.

That guy should be fucking shot. No, he didn't say shot. He said beaten severely, I think. Did he? Yeah. I'll look it up. Either either way he's asking for violence arguing over citations about time yeah anyway yeah i i don't know he's still asking for violence to be committed upon time bag i don't know and i think the guy is just nuts yeah that too but i mean that could have been the thing that i don't know well yeah obviously yeah yeah yeah well way to end it on a high note mike way to end it on a high note god damn it um here

how about this i'll uh remember uh i told you i'll uh i'll uh i'll uh akbar uh uh remember at the dc improv i was telling you like everybody was really nice when they're coming out of the show and that one chick was like really nasty about braces and stuff just out of nowhere yeah uh i was at the harrisburg comedy zone this past weekend had a blast had a lot of fun and uh everybody's really nice and like oh like thanks you're so funny that type of thing and it's really really cool to hear and uh just one guy's like, you're so funny, that type of thing. And it's really, really cool to hear. And just one guy's like, man, you're really funny, but you look like Justin Bieber. But you look like Justin Bieber.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, eh? It's like, okay. It'd be a lot worse. Okay. Yeah. It's like, I know. I need a haircut, sir.

I got to figure out my adult haircut. I haven't figured it out yet. All right? But you look like Justin Bieber. Like, that's the worst insult he could give you. Like, I'll give you this. You're funny. But on the downside,

you resemble an extremely attractive, popular young icon. Internationally known, handsome man. Not trying to bust your balls. Just being real with you. All right. But yeah, I had a blast there. It was a lot of fun.

Cool. And yeah, you want to get in this Hal Sparks interview? Yeah, let's do it. Now let me ask you this, Mike. Do you thank or do you tell David Koechner to take us out at the end? Yeah. Mike, I'm going to listen. I'm going to find out.

I did off the record. I did, but it sounded a lot like your voice. Oh, really? So I did it but it sounded a lot like your voice. Oh, really? So. I did it. Go ahead. Let me. Why don't you do it for me and see what it's in your voice. Yeah.

I support the neo-Nazi party. Trump is attractive I wish I was Mike Moran I'm just trying to do my best impression of you Josh I know but to the David Take us out David Kector Okay Alright Glad that's what artists work.

I'm glad you did that. All right, everybody. Thank you for listening. And shout out to Hal Sparks. Thanks for doing the podcast. And check out all his stuff. Come see us live. Like I said, digressionsessions.com slash calendar.

We got a Facebook page. Say hello. We really appreciate it when you guys reach out. And we love it. So, yeah. Let's go to the green room with Michael Moran. How sparks. Love you.

Alright. How's it going, Digheads? We have a very special episode in that number one, Mike is the only host this time, which is rare. There's normally two of us, and if there's one of us, it's usually not me. But we also have a very special gentleman by the name of Hal Sparks.

Thanks so much for being here. Absolutely, yeah. How are you doing? I'm spectacular. I'll get better. You look good. Yeah. You do.

Sometimes with famous people, you never know what they're going to look like in real life. This is true. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm wildly attractive. I'm doing a show, so there's every possibility that I could be all dolled up for the show and just looking better than expected. But we're like three feet away.

I'm pretty whizzy wig. Yeah. What you see is what you get. Yeah. Yeah. So, Hal Sparks, you got your start in improv, correct? Well, I kind of all hands on deck. I did everything.

I grew up in Kentucky, and there's no possibility of an arts career in that state. It's just an absurdity, especially when I was a kid. And so, when I moved to Chicago, and I realized it was a job like any other being in the entertainment industry right it just is um I started going to second city I started stand-up at the same time and I started acting at the same time so they all kind of went at once and I mean as as somebody who has no family in the industry and no yeah I had like one second cousin who was a writer on soaps. Right.

You know, but that not only didn't help, but it was actually a negative when I actually reached out in that regard. That I just knew I had to try everything. If I was going to punch forward to what I wanted to do. Yeah. You know, if I wanted to be an actor, I was going to have to have every iron in the fire I could possibly have until one of them got hot. And then I'd wait for the other ones while that one was working. Which is why we saw you in, what was that motorcycle movie from 1989? Oh, Chopper Chicks and Zombie Tent.

Yes, exactly. Yeah, which originally was called Chrome Hearts and was supposed to be an airplane-style spoof of zombie movies and biker chick movies from the 60s. The whole point was to do a comedy that was like a fusion of the two of those. Almost airplane-esque. And then over the course of it, the guy who was directing it was so intimidated by the actresses

that he had cast as these dream women of his own and the thing, that he let them rewrite their parts effectively into sort of a serious situation. That's how it works with the beautiful people. They get to do whatever the hell they want. Yeah, yeah, they do. I don't have that problem.

Yeah, nor do I. I have to skate on personality. But in that, it became kind of semi-serious, which is the worst thing that can happen to something like that. Although, to have your first movie Where you're playing A blind orphan Carrying an Uzi By the way Opposite

Billy Bob Thornton Who was also in the movie Right And Ed Gale Who was Chucky And has the longest fire burn As a little person Oh he was

He was in the doll I thought it was That wasn't Warwick Davis No No Warwick Davis was The leprechaun Yes he was leprechaun And he was willow.

Okay. Yeah, Ed Gale's been around for a long time. Okay. And Don Califo was in it. Very funny guy. So that was kind of cool as well. So the good part about that was that I just moved to L.A. and I booked a movie right away.

And it was a funny movie. And as a comedian and as an actor, that was like, okay, on, great. So it was like you hit the jackpot. It wasn't like something where you went out there. You're probably scared to death that you're going to starve on the streets. Nope, never scared.

Really? Never. Why not? I mean, there's a sea of comedians out there, right? Yeah, but what does that have to do with me? I have no, statistics mean nothing to me. It's not a numbers game. It can't be because it's based on personality.

Interesting. The arts especially. If it was like, okay, there's a sewing factory job available and tomorrow is the lineup for everybody to go, then yeah, I'd be nervous as hell. If I knew how to sew, I'd be like, yeah, but there's 50 people who know how to sew. The genes are what it's about, not about me as somebody who can operate a machine.

But the arts are about personality, about individual personality. Yeah. So it's, I don't care how many people there are. It doesn't mean anything. Right. It just, you've got to stand out because you're you. Interesting.

So that's always been your philosophy? Always. Or is that something you picked up along the way? Always, early on. And I let it drift for a little while in the 90s where I kind of got humble about it and tried to draw back into, okay, let's treat this like a business and blah, blah, blah

and all the stuff they teach you to try. And it turned out to be bullshit. It was the worst advice I ever gave myself. And I started booking again when I allowed myself to be full of shit. Right. Just completely full of shit. Be full of myself. Yeah, I have kind of noticed that with myself.

Like when I try to get in with, try to impress some group. It just always seems to work better when I just do the best me show I can do. It seems to work out better. It's the only way it works out. That's good advice. That's good for me to hear because I've been kind of fretting lately about why don't these people like me? Why is this person

doing better than me? Oh, totally. Measuring yourself on a material level against other people like Twitter followers and shit like that is a mechanical thing to do. Okay, they got 300,000 Twitter followers and I've got 100,000. How can I get to three?

Right. Right. Because it's not that it makes me any better, but I do know that theaters will book me more if I have 250. That's the magic number for theaters. Really? Yeah, it is. So by hook or by crook,

if you want to be a comic, get 250 Twitter followers or 100,000 Facebook fans or whatever the fuck that number is there and hammer it. But it still doesn't reflect your value.

It's just a mechanic that you know is necessary. It's like being a great surgeon. You're in medical school. You know you're a great surgeon, but you need the degree to practice medicine. It's all it is. It doesn't make you a better surgeon.

It's like the end of the Wizard of Oz. The heart clock. It's all symbolic. Or the power water in Space Jam. There you go. It was just tap water the whole time. Yeah, the whole time.

Yeah. But also, it's like no matter where you get, like, in 10 minutes, if you have that mentality of trying to keep climbing the ladder, like, it's like there's always another rung to go up. There should be. That's the great thing about it. That's the great thing about the arts, especially stand-up. Stand-up is, you knowup is topless as an industry. Oh, sorry. There's no point at all where you're the best stand-up you can be.

Right. Nobody ever maxes it out. People think they do. They run out of ideas or whatever, but that's because they're habitually doing the same thoughts over and over again. But it doesn't mean you've gotten to be the most effective version ever. Until you walk on stage and every joke is bulletproof and you are blowing people's minds and they leave the theater with changed lives. Like Socrates. Huh?

Like Socrates. Sure. Or Nietzsche. Yeah. Mel Brooks' character In History of the World A bullshit artist Until you've reached that point You're not everything you are

So And that's a great Sort of unattainable Goal to have In stand up Right To arguably Musicians

Can top out There are only so many notes You can hit as a singer Right There's only so many So fast you can play As a guitar player Yeah But as stand up It is completely wide open Because the world is There are only so many notes you can hit as a singer. There's only so fast you can play as a guitar player.

But as stand-up, it is completely wide open because the world is your oyster as far as content goes. You can talk about anything. You can be anything on stage. So that's the best thing about it. You will never top that out. So that's the good part of it in that you don't have to torture yourself that you're not where you should be yet. A guitar player can definitely tell if they can't play arpeggios the way they want to play arpeggios.

I always wonder that though with musicians, it seems like they almost always stop getting better at some point. Not just in technique, but in creativity. Everybody seems to tap out after five albums or something like that sure

I always wonder like why can't you just keep getting better at writing songs unless they're Mike Patton you know or somebody like that where they

although I don't know man that new Faith No More did you like it I did I liked the first two singles but it's a Faith No More record you know what I mean he does more than that

yeah Peeving Tom is incredible yeah that's a like I mean God Hates a Coward has been one of my favorite you know pop-ish He does more than that. Yeah, Peeving Tom is incredible. Yeah, that's a great... I mean, God Hates a Coward has been one of my favorite pop-ish patent songs of the last 10 years. The point is, he can tell the fans to fuck off long enough to make the music he wants to make. Yeah. And that's usually what hamstrings a lot of musicians.

It's also what hamstrings a lot of comics. It's because they have a certain shtick that they're known for. They can't out-brand themselves, and they're stuck. Yeah. Yeah. She's here. Yeah. Same as... Yeah, but same as last night. For some reason, she was asking him to do five minutes after she gets off.

Oh, no, no, no, because of the podcast. He was just worried that we're in here doing this and that we should, no, no, no, it's fine. Yeah, we're good. We're totally good. There's no reason to fear ever. Thank you. Yeah, so the mechanics of backstage, all right.

I have about three hours worth of material that I have to crowbar into an hour most of the time. And I shuffle so much stuff that there's no way to get to it. And so I'm building a show right now for my next special. So I'm doing as many club dates

as I can fit in and rearranging bits in the show so that I do that and all the mechanic of that. So that's part of what's going on tonight and next week when I'm in Philly. But anyways, where were we? What was the big drop off on it? The essence is you are, most comics I think go run dry and most musicians run dry because

they get caught between their own fears of their own outreach capability, what have you, and their own fear that the fans won't like what they're doing. They're limited by the branding expectation

that they themselves have created. Right, yeah. And you have bands that are kind of similar to like Queen never had that problem. Mm-hmm. Queen never had an expectation.

Really? Did they just continue to put out quality? Yeah, I think so. But they never had an expectation problem. Right, right. I think they were actually one of those bands that if they put out an album that was uniform all the way through, it would weird out their fans. Right, right.

You know, that would be the only,, it would weird out their fans. Right, right. Limiting themselves would be the only negative. To some degree, it's like Mitch Hedberg in his second album where he was obviously hyped up on something that made him it was an amphetamine as opposed to pot, which was usually his thing. And it cuts against the other recordings of him and seems drastic and strange. And didn't do as well like after he died everybody kind of

scooped it all up but it was very different from who he's expected to be in the you know and and it it affects how you hear his stuff you know um i have no doubt that over time he could have adapted into a non-high version of Mitch Hedberg where it was beyond jokes into stories, absolutely he's a great writer and totally capable but I couldn't see him starring in his own sitcom or something like that

not at the age you recognize him but I could when he's 50 people forget, people have careers forever my goal is to be like Anthony Hopkins or Hume Cronin. I don't really care about my youth years at all because I feel like I'm in cocoon. This is the show starting. I feel like I'm in a cocoon now and will be until I decide I'm not.

So I'm always growing, always getting there. And then I'll go, okay, I'll blossom up into the next plateau of who I am. The nice thing about being a comic or even a musician or an actor, for that matter, is that you can plateau as yourself. Go, okay, I've really discovered myself as an artist. I can plateau for a while. And then you need to change it because it naturally alters because your life alters and all that kind of stuff. In my case, I changed because of audience expectation

then i had to change back to my own desire to get better because i had given away who i was i'd given the audience the reins to my personality as opposed to owning it myself right and as you know a lot of people do that it's a great business model quite frankly i just couldn't do it without making myself sick right so right um so being true to yourself has always worked for you well it's the only thing with legs is that something you think you developed kind of growing up in a rural southern town being kind of different no well maybe in contrast because everybody in the south is full of shit i grew up in virginia yeah like in the like like not dc virginia like real virginia yeah this the whole idea of you know southern down home everybody knows everybody stuff is a mask for everybody's got a veneer on that's just

impenetrable most of the time and total bullshit it's the it's a total shine on and it always like i it disgusted me as a kid going to like i was a churchgoer when i was a kid and all this stuff and i just see these people who are just sunday christians and you know uh friday drunkards beating their wives yeah yeah and i was just grossed out by it and so i said once i was in a place where i could be myself which was chicago initially and then la i just didn't want to stop you know i started tempering it a little because of the business. But for the most part, no. Like I said, it's the only thing with legs.

Everything else is poison. You'll eventually get tired of it and you'll get tired of yourself. I did shows with Doug Stanhope, who I love as a stand-up. And we were, like, it was in England. And we would hang out a little bit after the shows, a touch. He and I have such different lif different lifestyle. I don't drink, I don't do drugs. Really?

Or have, I don't have any judgment about anybody doing it, but I just don't. And he obviously does. Sure. Um, and, but at one point we were talking about,

he was like, he was having a great day reading a book and that kind of stuff. And his act was so angry at the time, all the stuff he was doing was just shitting all over everybody. And he literally, at one point after we'd had this conversation, he went on stage and said, this really sucks doing this show tonight because I was in a good mood. Now I have to be in a fucked up mood for you guys.

Because if I come out here and actually tell you how I feel, you'll hate me. Which is true. I mean, he's trapped in his own brand. It's like heavy comics are in danger of killing themselves because all they have are fat jokes and if they ever lose the weight their act is gone yeah so they're you know they're gonna drop off from a heart attack from it it's weird yeah that's why all my jokes are about getting laid because if i ever stop that totally smart yeah yeah yeah

you set up a premise then you have to maintain it So is that, I mean Obviously you have a lot of other opportunities Besides stand-up these days But is that the reason you come back to stand-up again and again Is because you just love the freedom of I don't know Like stand-up isn't something I do You know what I mean?

It's something I am Does that make sense? Like I don't do these things I don't act, I'm an actor I don't do stand-up I am a stand-up I don't It's something I am. Right. Does that make sense? I don't do these things. I don't act. I'm an actor. I don't do stand-up. I am a stand-up. I don't play music.

I'm a musician, if that makes any sense. It's like you're not an actor because in between jobs, you don't stop being an actor between jobs. You don't stop being a comedian between shows. And it's an identity. It has to be. Otherwise, you won't do it. You'll give it up because it's too much. Yeah.

So I'll always be a stand-up, and I'll continue to do stand-up yeah over the course of my life like all my heroes and you know carlin to george burns and groucho marx were funny till they were fucking doddering sure yeah and that's the only way to do it yeah yeah i agree yeah so uh yeah but i mean obviously direct and act and all that stuff now and those in and of themselves are careers right is there anything that you kind of always wanted to do that now you're you're able to do and you're able to like work on your dream projects yeah sure i mean being in the dga now because i was you know i took lab rats the kids show i do on disney i took that show for very specific reasons. Really?

The script came across. I had four that I had to choose from, sitcoms that I was literally testing for and making deals on. And one of them I thought was really funny, but I didn't think it would make it. And I was right. It lasted. I think they just made the pilot. They never made more episodes. Yeah.

What was that? I don't even remember the name now. It was like Carlson's House or some nonsense. It was like one of these kind of friends-like hangouts. Young professionals in New York in a loft. Yeah, that kind of thing. And it was funny. It was like they're very Marta Kaufman and David Crane in their writing,

but I was like, we've marta kaufman and david crane and they're writing but right you know and it but i was just i was like we've seen this it'll go away yeah so in that i i was like i don't necessarily see myself doing that for seven years right and then the two other ones i was like they're not funny and then the lab rat script was sci-fi live action special effects jokes and you know martial arts and that kind of stuff in it. And it was the first opportunity I had to incorporate all that stuff because I have three black belts and I've studied martial arts my whole life and I've never gotten a chance to use it and stuff. I was in an episode of martial law and fought Sammo Hung and that stuff,

which is great, but nothing in a series thing. So when I took it, I was like, this is the only one that's funny and the organic jokes are coming from the actual premise. They set up a premise,

they make jokes based on the premise, not some artificial, like, orange-haired guy walks into the coffee shop and they all start making orange-haired guy,

you know, jokes. That's pretty much how modern sitcoms are written. They set up a false premise, they have somebody weird enter the space and then they make fun

of the weird person that they just made up out of whole cloth that's fake to me and it drives me nuts when I see it on a show so Lab Rats was organic that way and it was some pretty adult jokes

for a kid's show which I thought was awesome and the other thing was I was very aware that they can only do four year contracts everything else is seven years that's the max they can do

and i i knew that in the execs liked me enough that over the course of that i could direct i would be able to in that four years i would be able to go all right starting year two or three i will direct an episode or two whatever and that'll get me into the union into the dga yeah and uh and i did that the end of uh two, I directed my first episode, and then I directed five the next year, and I'm doing two plus this year or whatever. So that was definitely one to chalk off. Now I'm in the DGA. That allows me the room to legit direct features,

single camera, television, all that kind of stuff, and largely it's for stuff that I want to be in. So I'm in most of the episodes I've directed on Lab Rats. Awesome. Yeah, my little nephews like it. Yeah, it's great. I mean, I love the show.

And it's super fun and everybody's great there and they let me write jokes. I pitch about 12 jokes an episode and get about six of them in. That's a pretty good ratio. Awesome. Yep. Cool.

Okay, before we wrap up, can we get in briefly into this no drugs and alcohol thing? How'd that come about? Were you ever part of the straight edge scene at all? Well, I was metal, and straight edge is more punk. Sure. I kind of made that decision because I was growing up in Kentucky. I just saw everybody wasting their lives.

Yeah. I just saw so much potential just being you know bonfire well that's great that you could have that perspective at such a young age i don't think it occurred to me until i was like 22 yeah like yeah what drugs and alcohol do to people yeah it just seemed like a waste of time and i joke about it my act but i like i don't need any help being weird i like i don't need any help breaking out of my shell or pretend you And so I was super aware of that when I was a kid. Plus, starting out in martial arts when I was eight, it was like growing up a gymnast. A lot of gymnasts don't tend to be drunkards and whatnot because you need your balance.

You need your focus and all that stuff. So to me, that was really important to have all my wits about me. The other thing was, and I've had an argument with rogan on his podcast about this is that he comes from the perspective that i am how sparks minus pot and my argument is he is joe rogan plus right yeah i don't think plus i don't think anything external that affects your mood or intelligence or experience lessens you by not experiencing it. Right, right. Therefore, the only way I can know my whole self is to experience my whole self without that stuff. Sure, yeah. good idea I had or the insight or the relaxation or the ability

to calm down in a public situation is because of my own worth and ability or because I was just high on something. And that seems like a waste. I would rather know that it's me. Sure. Yeah. Live as real as possible. Yeah. Authentically. Yeah. So have you ever?

Never. Never gotten drunk? Never gotten stoned? Never drunk. Never smoked anything. That's awesome, man. Never done any drugs. That blows my mind. It's hard enough to fight the peer pressure in your 30s, which is what I'm doing now. Let alone when you're like 16, 17. I couldn't even imagine.

Yeah, I had two tricks that I did in high school. One was IBC root beer and LaCroix mineral water. Those were the two winners. One was LaCroix mineral water came in cans, big in Chicago, and so I'd drink that at parties. And it's so harsh. It's horrible. And it's bitter and kind of rough to drink,

especially when you're 16. As you're older, it's not as big a deal. But as a 16-year-old, like, here, take a big gulp of Perrier. Guzzle this. It's harsh. And so the idea was everybody go hey go you want to drink i'm like no i don't drink i'm fine or whatever and if they made any joke about it being a weak thing i'm like take five sips right now drink when i'm drinking right now and they couldn't do it they couldn't drink it fast and i was like that's the point then leave me the fuck alone you you you know if this is a toughness factor you just failed your own test

so piss off the other one was IBC root beer looks like some sort of dark ale they don't put a label on the bottle it's just a dark ale

and if you're around drunk teenagers they're not gonna read the bottle they're just gonna think you're drinking some sort of dark lager from England

and leave you the fuck alone so between those two things they didn't start the conversation. The other thing was, quite frankly, when I moved to Chicago, I told three of my best friends that I started getting on there,

like, I love you guys, but if anybody asks me if I want something to drink twice, I'm going to punch them in the fucking face. If you ask me once, I'll decline nicely.

Ask me the second time, you're being a dick. Right. And I only had to hit one kid. That's not a bad ratio. No. It was good. It was a nice party fight. At that point, I was still

the peach fuzz redneck from Kentucky. I was a little unhinged at the time anyway, so it was okay. How southern of an area was your town in Kentucky? How did it feel? 46 people, man.

Right. One road, like sticks. Wow. Straight up sticks. Our living room was a log cabin. So just totally isolated. Burning stove. Couldn't do anything without driving.

Couldn't go anywhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. It was miles and miles and miles to town miles and miles and miles everywhere i think that gave you like a different perspective than most like stand-up comedians in chicago and la no no question yeah yeah i mean i it made me an outsider permanently which i think is healthy as a stand-up yeah i think you have to have as a stand-up you have to have a perpendicular view of the world from everybody else you have to you know i tweeted a little while ago Just because it came to me And I didn't want to say it on Twitter

I didn't want to say it out loud And I was like That's more of a reason to say it And it was that I understand you But I'm not like you Just kind of a blanket statement And it's true

And as a stand-up I think that's what stand-ups have as a gift We understand you But we're not like you. We share a lot of the same emotional experiences, but the perspective is so different that I can offer you a different perspective. Right, right. If I'm simply you, then what the fuck are you, why am I on stage and not you?

What difference does it make? Yeah. It's only if I can offer a different view. Interesting. I don't have any value in this circumstance. So I've always felt perpendicular to humanity in everything I do. And I think, quite frankly, that's an understandable position. A lot of people have.

Yeah, I think we all have at least a piece of our personality that feels completely isolated and alone. In fact, I think that's even a trick that fake psychics do. You've always kind of felt alone inside. Sure, right And also I think Almost everyone has a scar On their left knee So they'll throw that one Out there too

Oh yeah right You've got a scar On your left knee I don't I have a right one On my shin Oh yeah from what Alien biopsy I think

I was abducted That's most likely Yeah probably I don't know It's just a big scoop I don't know what the hell happened Sure sure Are you a paranormal type of guy I know you were in Some VH1 I did the celebrity't know. It's just a big scoop. I don't know what the hell happened. Are you a paranormal type of guy?

I know you were in some VH1. I did the Celebrity Paranormal Project. Sure. It's interesting because, I mean, this is a can of worms, but I happen to think there's nothing mystical or magical about it. You just think it's science. We don't understand it. Yeah, exactly.

I think it's, they almost put Marconi in a mental institution when he was explaining the radio. Right. And. Yeah, there certainly are mysteries of physics and science that we can't grasp. And so why not? What if people just leave recordings of their energy? Instead of a tape recording, it's a three-dimensional experiential hologram of stuff that's gunked up in the wall that only people with an inflamed pituitary gland can see or pineal gland or whatever. That makes total sense to me.

Why wouldn't it? And it doesn't mean there's a ghost there. It just means there's residue of psychic energy or something. That makes total sense. It's just weird that we're alive. Just the fact that this world exists is kind of supernatural and paranormal. So who knows what's out there? Well, again, there can't be anything paranormal.

There can just be anything paranormal there can just be the normal you don't accept sure yeah you know it's like metaphysics yeah it's just a element of physics we don't understand right right dark matter yeah exactly i mean that's a that's that is dark matter is quantum physics spackle for all the stuff they don't know yet right right and they got to prove that it you know i mean i even talk about the hadron collider in my act yeah yeah i know yeah so like all that stuff is so necessary yeah we had a discussion with eric the host before and he like couldn't remember the the name of it no right so we tried to give him like uh hints well we gave him the wrong pronunciation of it oh and hopes that the hadron collider yeah yeah Hadron Collider? Yeah, yeah.

Positron Collider, which is what the Ghostbusters used. You know how long it took me to figure out that's what Bill Murray was yelling? That teach you to mess around with a guy with a Positron Collider. Oh, that's what he's saying.

He runs it all together. He doesn't even know what he's saying. I believe a new Megadeth album was conceptualized around ghostbusters part of particle colliders i don't doubt it well that hey john collider everybody's using it as the end of the world right you know and so i mean anytime you can fear monger about the end of the world that's a megadeth record right oh absolutely that's what that album that's

the entire 80s thrash genre right sure right fear mongering about the end of the world absolutely yeah they're like the tabloid press of the yeah the rock world it's like uh as if uh like punk albums were like yeah the world's gonna end but it's only it the world only extends to the end of your block right right or to the government maybe like that's the end of the world because things will crash and burn and be on fire yeah that's the end of the world whereas from a you know thrash metal point of view it's just like universal inverted collapse of the funny thing about megadeth what those like if you go back you can he's a born-again christian now and he wrote holy wars yeah yeah i actually i did a uh a whole column on the uh return of the satanic panic from the the 80s oh yeah how dave mustaine is like alex jones is the leader of that yeah i know i know yeah i don't know how he went christian and can spout the bullshit that he says from the 80s and how Dave Mustaine is like... Alex Jones is the leader of that bullshit.

Yeah, I know. I don't know how he went Christian and can spout the bullshit that he says. This is a better example of a full of shit evangelical than Alex Jones. I don't know what it is. And I've met that dude.

Have you really? I've been on his show. Oh, yeah. Really? Wow. Totally. Anybody who's listening to this, Alex Jones is completely

full of shit. That doesn't mean his theories are wrong all the time, because they're right some of the time. But he as a person is completely full of shit. It's a sales act. You're saying he doesn't even believe in the stuff he's preaching. Not really, no.

Really? He thinks he's far enough off to profit off of it. Wow. He may think the end of the world is coming, but he will be able to spend the money he is earning. Damn. Wow. It's like David Icke. I love David Icke. I think his books are hilarious. The ones with the alien

lizard people. Yeah, right. It's great. But I knew they were full of shit when I pulled them off the shelf at the Bodhi Tree in LA when I first saw them. And they had a picture of the author on the back. And he's like, it looked like a third grade portrait. He was like on a fence with an apple. And I was like, if he really believed this shit, the picture of the author would be like the the finkels in ace

ventura just a shotgun sticking out one eyeball peeking through the door he'd never let you see him if he really believed that shit you know and it's alex jones is the same kind of thing he's been telling people for years and he's gonna you know they're gonna snuff him or something for all the stuff he's saying yeah there's a whole list on youtube of uh failed alex jones predictions oh yeah well and i mean alex jones bless his heart will die of a chocolate cake induced heart attack like every other fat texan right yeah he's he's it's that simple he's a he's he's a screaming glutton who's making speaks to the age that we live in that most of us are going to die from being too fat or from being too old. While screaming about starvation.

Right, exactly. I'm being held like a Nazi concentration camp. Yeah, I'm a slave. Yeah, right. I just started working on a bit about how offended real slaves must be when we call ourselves slaves. You know, like, really? How about completely modern black people who had family members who were owned by the fat fucks who were saying, I'm a slave. Or Jews whose parents had tattoos on their arms from Nazi Germany going, this is Nazi bullshit.

I can only have one Trump sign on my lawn. You don't know what fucking oppression is, you cunt. I have no sympathy for that nonsense. I'm the same way. Yeah. And they get very upset and very whingy when you call them out on it. Right. Yeah.

You ever read Skeptic magazine? I don't. I met a couple of those guys. Oh, really? I've been on panels and stuff with a couple of them. I think, unfortunately, I find most professional skeptics especially and professional atheists to be as full of shit as an evangelical preacher. They are the Pat Robertsons of... Right, right.

Oftentimes. Yeah, of atheism. Yeah. I mean, like... And I think most of the time, unfortunately, they kill all the good things that they're trying to do about eliminating blind faith, following ancient tribal religious doctrine,

which is clearly bullshit. In the name of atheism, they end up being such dicks. They drive more people away than they help. Oftentimes. I feel like that era is kind of dying down a little bit, though. Well, Sam Harris is shepherding it, and Dawkins has his moments these days. Hitchens did it with this kind of Gore Vidal

alcoholic charm. Like, he always got this kind of thing that he was kind of drunk. Right. And he hated these people, but he was mad about it. Right. And he was, you know,

he was also a post-9-11 freakout. There's a lot of those guys who after 9-11 got Islam, they started singling it out as if it's not all the Abrahamic religions, which they clearly are. They're all the same shit.

Yeah. They all hate women the same amount. They all hate gays the same amount. Dude, there's, my friend's doing a podcast where he's reading the Old're all the same shit. Yeah. They all hate women the same amount. They all hate gays the same amount. Dude, my friend's doing a podcast where he's reading the Old Testament all the way through and making jokes and shit. It is insane.

You would not believe. It's goofy. I mean, it's tribal nonsense. It's beyond my expectations as far as, I mean, it's a guide to terrorism, basically. It is. I read it twice. Really? I was born again Christian when I was 11.

Wow. You didn't have to be in our church till i was 13 to your 13 uh you know when you're when your ball hair starts showing up and suddenly so does the devil that's a thing of indication of what they think of sexuality but in this particularly like sam harris in particular and dawkins i think they're dicks in the wrong angle and they blow it fucking blow it you're like, just argue reason and then shut the fuck up. Yeah. There are more, there are like less sensational skeptics out there these days. Sure.

Like Shermer and Brian Dunning. Yeah, I agree. But their message is being eaten alive. Of course. Yeah, the squeaky wheels on these good degrees. Exactly. That's just how it is. Yeah.

And I think intentional skepticism can be a doctrine as much as anything else because you're so doubting you can't see it. Because there's a premise in string theory, for example, that your experience in life is actually dictated by consciousness because the universe is so malleable that it can actually do that. Every decision is another string. Then you could literally be riding along in a parallel string in the same physical world with somebody who sees fucking Jesus in a piece of toast, and they're right. But if you look at it because you don't believe it, it doesn't show up. And when they listen to you, they can't hear your reason

because they're literally seeing Jesus in a piece of toast. Especially if you go with the manufactured universe concept of the simulation or hologram argument, which I make in my act right now, and I think is primary to modern string theory anyways, it's a tough one to make from a skeptical point of view of certain things, you test them, you get the result you're expecting. That's a physics thing that they're up against all the time. Well, how far out does that extrapolate into the real world physics there's no way of knowing

there's literally no it's the same argument of like this these walls may be green to you or they may be blue to you but yeah strangely they actually kind of are red to me yes they are they are they green to you guys i realize this is the green room okay but i do have difficulty with colors yes but you could be seeing a totally different color that you grew up accepting as red cones in your eyes yeah because there's no way to hook anything up to see if your brain is perceiving light in the same way my brain perceives light so that's the problem we run up against right yeah and you as a middle eastern man yes exactly clearly you know i mean we have you here door frames are a problem but there's you know there's elements of that that are you know

by skepticism completely isolated and it's a non-starter and i don't believe science has any non-starters i don't think it can i think it's that's that becomes religion to me religion has non-starters right there is no god but my god yeah you work backwards and find evidence to support exactly your premise and the problem with modern you know particle physics and quantum There is no God but my God. You work backwards and find evidence to support. Exactly. You premise. And the problem with modern particle physics and quantum physics and matter and even the study of galaxies, we run aground on we got to be careful what we look for because we'll find it. Right.

We'll only find it. Confirmation bias. Yeah. And so I, especially as a comedian or as an artist of any sort you can't have confirmation bias skepticism in and of itself is a dry ground for comedians especially totally totally yeah it's so hard to not write jokes about stuff like that you know oh yeah and like 50 of the audience doesn't know what the fuck i'm talking about if i try to write about like mass hysterias or shit like that.

Well, there's plenty of room to write. Think so? No question. No question. The question is how you go about it. The problem is you can't attempt to write jokes about mass hysteria and conformism

and normalization of thought and confirmation bias using normalization of thought and confirmation bias using normalization of thought and confirmation bias as the basis for the joke. Right. You have to leave it entirely and set up a premise wherein the person has that own thought in their own head. Yeah.

They have to go, oh, everybody's believing this bullshit except me. I'll give you an example. It's kind of off kilter, but it was a one point i realized during the bush years that if i said bush in a joke the brains of the audience shut up and it wasn't a you know pubic hair joke the the brains of the like parts of members of the audience would immediately shut their ears even if they knew i was right even if they thought the joke was funny and concept that if they laugh at bush the terrorists win right so? So the word Bush, if I said George Bush, blah, blah, blah,

even if I was for him in that joke, which I never was, but let's just say for the sake of argument, they would never hear the rest of the words. Really? Their brains would shut like the doors on the fucking... Dissociated with like, oh, I guess I'm a Nazi or something. Yeah, just an immediate, fuck you, you can't joke about that right now,

we're at war. Right, right, yeah. Well, how am I supposed to make fun of this fucker fuck you you can't joke about that right now we're at war right right yeah well how am I supposed to make fun of this fucker and make them understand how full of shit he is and how important it is

that they're aware of how full of shit if I can't mention his name sure so I started writing jokes about guys who with cowboy who wore cowboy hats

who don't have any cows and how technically that's not a cowboy hat right this is no fucking cows. It's an asshole hat. Yeah.

So I would do these bits about nice asshole hat, you know, knowing full well that the next time they saw him on his farm clearing brush with no cows, they'd go, he's wearing an asshole hat. It got through him, you know? And so I had to operate on that premise. So how do you write a confirmation bias joke without ever touching the words confirmation bias? That's the trick.

And you go, it's got to be a physical gag. How do I do it as Mr. Bean? Honestly. And then your brain opens up and you realize, oh, I have confirmation bias about what a joke is and how a joke can be delivered and how it must be heard. That's the hard part. So Woody Allen had a great system in his stand-up,

which is you come up with a joke. Everybody comes up with jokes right out of the top of your head. You're driving along and you suddenly think of a great gag. Instead of writing, how do I write a premise or a setup to make the audience understand? He went, how far away can I get from this joke and get to that punchline? Where do I go?

He had a joke about if I take a shower and anyone in the tri-state area flushes their toilet, I get scalded in his apartment in New York. Very common New York apartment joke. Pretty baseline as far as stand-up goes. He literally started, I got my first apartment in Coney Island when I was 17.

He goes all the way back to his first fucking apartment. So he turns an average joke into, this is my moment. I finally have my own place in Manhattan. And somebody flushes their toilet. He raised, he elevated what is a very pat joke to an extraordinary, to a victory level and stack the laugh on it. Wow. Because everybody knows

what that feeling is like when he's doing that, but also everybody knows what it's like to get something they've always dreamed of and it's actually kind of shitty. Yeah, yeah.

He mixed those two things. And that's how I try to do it if I have a heady bit that doesn't, because I've had a bunch over the years where I've like, this is, I had a date rape drug joke for a long time, which I'm very proud of. And it was in Charmageddon. But I had to, I literally had to invert the punchline and start with it. And, you know, and then do the setup afterwards.

Because people thought it was a pro date rape joke. Interesting. And I was like, you guys aren't listening. Right. But I had to literally flip it and then it immediately made sense you could have done what the stone temple pilots did and performed in a dress drag right do it in drag just because they were pissed that everybody thought that their uh thing was a rape yeah yeah yeah it's funny it's weird how that works i

remember seeing i actually saw the peeping tom video on vh1 and they censored you know the chorus is kind of like roll it up and smoke it again line it up and snortH1 and they censored, you know, the chorus is kind of like, roll it up and smoke it again, line it up and snort it again. And they censored the druggy words. Yeah. Where it's like, clearly that's an anti-drug song. Was a walk a mile

in his shoes or whatever that song, What It's Like. That song, What It's Like. You really know what it's like. They censor all the parts about the guy pulling a gun and getting shot and selling drugs. But that's how his life gets fucked up. So how do you know his life is fucked up and why if you can't hear the story? It's like we've got to take out all the Mark Twain stuff that's uncomfortable for us to realize how racist we were. It's so weird how that worked in the MTV era.

And then they randomly not care about something. I remember the Metallica Fuel song, like totally let the F word slide. Yeah. I was like, what the fuck? Yeah. Well, it's because they didn't hear it. You think so? Yeah.

I think they just kind of. Apparently, that's how Psycho got passed through the censors was they were told to recut like the second of nudity or like the split second. And he just sent it back as is and said he cut it. Yeah. They didn't know any better. Right. That's not surprising. All right. We better wrap this up. I feel like we've kept you for a long time i gotta do a show right now awesome um this has been great man thank you so much for joining us i really appreciate it can i send you a copy of my uh my skeptic thing in the mail i

insist yeah you want me to do some notes or something are you it's already been published i'll believe it when i see it cool yeah anything Yeah, it's been published. Anything you'd like to say to Hal real quick, Rachel? All right. All right. You should get a credit for that one. He just wants to say no to me. That's all. That's all anybody wants.

He just wants to say no to me. All right. Thank you so much, Hal. Absolutely. You rule. Take us out, baby. Can't you? Digression Sessions.

Comma to an end. Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah