The Digression Sessions - Ep. 182 - Tom Arnold! (@TomArnold)

Episode Date: March 14, 2016

Hola Digheads! Our guest this week is the great Tom Arnold! Yes, THE Tom Arnold. From Roseanne, True Lies, Austin Powers, and a billion other things! Tom could not have been cooler and Tom shares some GREAT stories. Tom literally saves peoples lives on a regular basis with his near-super hero-level story including characters such as Arnold Shwartzenager, George W. Bush, and even a homeless guy pretending to be the drummer from KISS. Oh and there's a revelation about what really happened when our former commander and cheif "choked ona pretzel." Follow Tom on Twitter and check him out if he comes to your town.   Follow your boys, Mike & Josh, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.  Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram Mike - @MikeMoranWould on Twitter The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook For live stand up and improv dates, check out - DigressionSessions.com/Calendar Thanks for listening, all! Do us a favor and rate and review us on iTunes & Stitcher plz!

hey everybody i'm josh kaderna and i'm mike moran and you're listening to the digression sessions podcast a baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers. Join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence. As we interview local and non-local comedians, writers, musicians, and anyone else we find creative and interesting. Yes. Who's the guest this week? Tom Arnold is the guest on this week's podcast. That's right.

The Tom Arnold. The Thomas Arnold. Yes. Yes. He was doing stand-up in Baltimore and was nice enough to invite you and I into his hotel room. Right. Swanky hotel room. Two parts to it.

We were in like the front part where it was closed off from the bedroom. Yeah, I really want to know what that bedroom looked like. It's probably pretty nice. Probably pretty nice. But yeah, I was so excited to sit down with Tom Arnold, man. I've been watching him ever since I was little. I think you too, right? Yeah, absolutely.

Roseanne was a huge part of my childhood. Mine too. Yeah, I grew up on it. The TV show. And I still watch it. Own all the DVDs. All of them. What's a dvd well it's a digital visual disc michael and uh sometimes it has dvd i honestly didn't know that's what it stood for i think it does it might be versatile but i'm not positive but either way we all know tom arnold from everything he pops up in little parts and

movies there's never a time when i've seen tom arnold been on a show or movie and been like i could use less tom arnold you can always use more tom arnold you can always use more tom there's always room for tom arnold but uh yeah so he told us about his uh you know growing up in uh iowa and the meat packing plant working there and then kind of struggling with uh addiction and then somehow we stumbled on to the fact that he will save people against their will from addiction and like kind of became like not a bounty hunter but almost like a vigilante yeah but like kind of as commissioner gordon kind of uh secretly helps out batman right the cops like allow him to do this under like 5150 laws.

Yeah, yeah. The only thing weirder than us sitting down and talking to Tom Arnold in his hotel room was the shit he told us. Yeah, but it was good stuff too. Not like weird bad, like positive though. It was so incredibly positive that I honestly was like tearing up a little bit.

Yeah, and how sweet it was. This dude is like a famous celebrity and devotes his time selflessly to like yeah saving people's lives and he was saying that he feels selfish about it because you do at the end of the day you're like oh i feel good that i did something good yeah good and but still that there's way worse stuff to be selfish about and his that the outcome is that people are hopefully getting help but right in some of these stories they don't always end well but uh he did his part yeah he really tried and it all starts with peter chris from kiss somehow yeah with what he thought was

abducting peter chris this whole story is incredible yeah it's just yeah and it's just an open book and uh it was really cool to sit down and talk with him. He was just so nice. I mean, we talked about comedy and stand-up for a little bit, but yeah, just a lot of working through addiction and just trying to stay creative and just work through life. And I thought it was really cool, man. And an anecdote that I don't think has been released to the public about a major political leader. Yeah, that was pretty crazy i looked online nobody really knows that's what happened yeah that it's like well what was he addicted to as well well i think it was booze but right but during during his presidency well now you're giving it away

now there's only 51 people it could be uh i think no i think it's what 45 who cares i'm skeptical about how many there actually were like eight other presidents before george washington we were not skeptical about that um no so yeah he tells a story about possibly doing an intervention for george bush while he was in office i mean the stories are just so good like the stuff that just comes out too he's like yeah so i'm in the hotel and they're like mr arnold would you like us to hold your bat for you yeah i don't want to i don't want to step on the stories too much but uh trust us it is insane like and great man he was he was so cool so we uh thank

you to tom arnold for taking the time out to sit with us. And you can follow him on Twitter. He's super active on there at Tom Arnold. And yeah, he's doing stand up and still doing movies and stuff. So if he tweets about it, go check him out. And actually, Michael, we've got some dates ourselves, right? And we're on Twitter as well. We are. Yeah, you can follow me on Twitter and instagram both at josh kaderna the dig the

dig sesh uh itself is on twitter at dig sesh pod and michael uh i am at mike moran wood that's w o u l d on the twitters that's right and uh we are doing uh i got some stand-up dates this week uh this wednesday i'll be at rag time in arlington virginia doing some stand up on the 17th uh thursday i'll be in eastern maryland at the avalon theater opening up for tim miller who's a hilarious comedian uh so yeah my eastern shore peeps come out to that and then on friday i will be in dc uh doing steven nick's show and that will be at Cafe Paradiso. Steven Nick's show? I'll be on the Wicked Woman

show. Is she a witch? The Wicked Witch Woman show? Yeah, that one. The WWW Witch Woman show? Let's see. I will be at the Portside Tavern on the 18th. That is at 8pm. I will be at Bread and Circusvern on the 18th. That is at 8 p.m.

I will be at Bread and Circuses, which I believe you've done. Yeah, on the 29th. Yeah, 29th. Are you on that too? Yeah, I'll be there. 9.30. And then I will be at the Venice Tavern on April 1st at 8.30. Fuck yeah. So go to digressionsessions.com slash calendar.

We're going to have all the dates and details and times and all that stuff on there. If you guys want to come check us out live, doing some stand-up. And before we get into the interview with Tom Arnold, we got a sponsor this week, Michael. Do we really? We have a sponsor. Is it Tom Arnold?

Yeah. Is he going to come rescue us? He'd be a good sponsor. He just kicks in the door. I'm here to help you boys. It's actually pretty fortuitous who's sponsoring us. Old comedian, old friend, I guess, from the Baltimore scene. Tony Solano moved out to L.A.

And he does a lot with animation. And he's working with another Baltimore comedian that transplanted out to LA, Eric Myers. And they are doing a little comedy pilot that they are trying to kickstart. It's called Court Ordered, Michael. And if you just Google Court Ordered Kickstarter, you can check it out.

They're trying to get 10 grand to make a pilot that they can shop around. And they're about halfway there. It ends on March 30th. And yeah, so Court Ordered follows Eric Myers, played by Baltimore's own Eric Myers, shop around and they're about halfway there it ends on march 30th and uh yeah so court ordered follows eric myers played by baltimore's own eric myers who is a down on his luck alcoholic drug addict gets arrested and is sentenced to group therapy rehab where he befriends other addicts

who become family wow wow what a tie-in with this week's episode, huh? Pretty good, pretty good. So yeah, they've got some clips online. You can check that out and all kinds of cool little rewards if you donate some money. So definitely do that. And yeah, it's got a good cast. It's got a bunch of L.A. comedians like Sam Tripoli, Becky Robinson, Craig Phillip, Connett, Stephanie Simbari, Jay Davis, and of course, Eric Myers.

Of course. So yeah, go check that out. And thank you to Jay Davis, and of course, Eric Myers. Of course. So yeah, go check that out. And thank you to our sponsor, Court Ordered, this week. Yeah. We're going to get some nice t-shirts, Michael. Awesome. So anybody wants to sponsor us and they want to send us some swag, I will fucking wear it. Absolutely.

And so yeah, let's go to Tom Arnold's hotel. Let's do it. Let's chat with them. And the music this week provided by our good friends, third grade friends. Excellent. Yeah. So here's third grade friends. And then let's talk to Tom Arnold, everybody.

You brought a special podcasting chair. Hi, Tom Arnold. All right. Hey. Hey, guys. Thanks for doing chair. Hi, Tom Arnold. All right. Hey, thank you. Thanks for doing this. Well, thank you. Yeah, it's good. You guys, are you comics?

Mm-hmm. Oh, good. Yeah. I want to support comics. Nice, man. And you're from Baltimore? I'm from the eastern shore of Maryland. But you guys live here now?

Yeah, we live here. Okay. Yeah. I like it here. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I saw a great thing yesterday. I was trying to take a nap I heard some kind of religious

As if a TV had come on On a religious channel A lot of yelling I look out the window and there's a guy down there A bald white guy With a tie Like he dressed up And a giant megaphone

Like giant It must have had a mic around his face And he was just screaming tie like he dressed up and a giant mega phone like giant like just a thing and then it must have had a mic around his face right like and he was just screaming at people about jesus mostly black people and they just ignored him i just thought first of all you know you feel sorry for somebody that crazy but yeah the guy the crazy guy i saw on the way to the hotel the night before was had to pull his pants down in front of the cops and he had a shopping cart. You really feel sorry for those folks.

This guy was smart enough to memorize the worst parts of the Bible and put a tie on and bring his giant megaphone. Wow. And I just was amazed at how nonchalant the people were. It was rush hour and they just didn't care. And I thought, you know, I'm from a small town in Iowa. If somebody did that Once in our town

It would be horrible You'd go down And yell at farmers In the town square It just would happen once Dude strangely I grew up in a small town In Virginia

And we actually had A team of street preachers Well we have Yeah you have those But they You know small towns Police themselves Like if somebody's

Too crazy You know Or somebody yells at people, even though most of the people go to church and everything, they don't want some dude yelling at them downtown and trying to shame them. But in Baltimore, we're like, oh, that's Gary. Don't worry about that. Yeah, I could tell the guy was – people's reactions just walking around him like, ugh.

This guy again. That is commitment, though. I mean, a megaphone and a – I know, exactly. around him like, ugh. This guy again. That is commitment, though. I mean, a megaphone and a... I know, exactly. He got all suited up. Yeah. He's down there. You can imagine.

I videotaped a little thing and tweeted it because I want his family to pick him up, but I'm sure they've had to deal with that guy. You know people that are wild tight, and they're like crazy, a little crazy, and then they get a religion, and they put the two together yeah the wrong elements of both and you know it makes you feel oh yeah you feel sad but i was also wanting to take a nap and he was so loud so i was kind of hoping somebody would punch him but anyway or at least take the megaphone away yeah yeah you know but that's the thing about baltimore people if you don't live here you know we've all watched The Wire and we've all, you know, seen the riots,

which, you know, you think, oh, that's just a, this crazy violent place, but it's not. No.

It's not. For the most part, it's like, no. Yeah. No. You know, you can walk around fine

most of the time. Yeah. And, you know, as a kid growing up in a small town, you see the riots, you're like,

oh, boy, that looks fun. Anyway, I know it's terrible. I know it's terrible. Right, right.

But we had, you know, we had, when I worked at the meatpacking, I worked at a Hormel meatpacking plant for three years at a high school to save money to go to college. And when we went on strike, I mean, it was like the riot. Really? I mean, you stood outside the plant with a fire so no trucks could get in

full of hogs. Whoa. And you firebombed. I mean, it was on and that's how striking, you know, that's the culture in the day

and then they, of course, broke the unions and fired everybody and changed the name of the building. Wow. Yeah.

So, it's a horrible thing. Were you guys trying to stop scabs from coming to the line? yeah, we were stopping scabs and plus people like to be,

we were all drunk and it was fun. I didn't even know why we were striking but but I was like, signed up for it. It was fun. It was just a party. So you could drink on strike day? Because the people tried to get in with the same way. It's where your friends, they're like your cousins.

Right. So you got up, you're firebombing your cousin, which is how it goes in a small town. Yeah. Your cousins are the cops and the bad guys. Yeah, right. And so it was hilarious to me. Now, the older guys in the union, there's a great documentary called

America Dream that Barbara Koppel did in 1990 and won the Oscar. And Harvey Weinstein, it was the first time I met him and he asked me to help promote it because he knew I was the only person in Hollywood that worked at a meatpacking plant. But it's about the Hormel meatpacking strike

that started in Austin, Texas, or excuse me, Austin, Minnesota. And then we in Etobicoke, Iowa, went to support them and went out on strike. Anyway, they all got their jobs back, and they fired all of us, and they wouldn't go back on a strike for us. It shows the ineptitude of the union

and how evil the corporation is. It's both. Right. Because our union guys were stupid and firing people up, and the corporation was lying. They just changed the name on the outside of the building and fired everybody it broke the union and paid people half damn so what did you

do after that were you well i was uh on to comedy i don't even fire by the time that happened i got fired for you know i started going to community college in atoma ohio at indian hills community college after my second year at hormel so i would work nights and then go to school all day. And I didn't have much time for sleep, but I was the best student. If I was a good student, it was during that time because there was no extracurricular. And I remember one night I was like,

my friends are all at the real college. I need to have a college experience. There was a community college party that night, which means the average age of the person is 60, and it ends at eight. A lot of wine and cheese. Yeah, so I called in sick to Horvath. And by the way, with the union, you get three strikes.

So I always had two strikes, and then one would evaporate after six months, but I always had two for meat-throwing-related things. Did you have little write-ups that would say that? Like meat throwing incident? Yeah. There's a lot of meat throwing. That's why Hoffa got whacked, I think.

You dip it in blood and throw. There's a lot of, you know, you got to make your own fun. Meat patty plant is brutal, especially the kill floor. So you got to be, to be funny. It's called a kill floor.

Yeah. Yeah. There's 5,000 animals a day you kill and cut up into little pieces, into nothing. So, you know, you got to figure out a way to humanize things. But anyway, I called it sick. And then I went to this party.

And then I was like, we've got to streak or something. And this is back in the day. Streaking had just got to Iowa in the early 80s. You floated that idea? I can't see a 60-year-old. Yeah, I was like, that seems like a college-signal streak. And so we did. We went to the diner, and there was nobody there.

We were naked. Me and my two fat buddies, Mike and Moe. This is an all-male streaking session? Yeah. Oh, yeah, of course. And there was nobody there. I was like, dude, this doesn't even count. So I go, let's go to the old folks' home, Jefferson Square Manor.

Because I know people are there. The nurses, they know it. They'll think it's hilarious. We aren't doing it for the old people because they're not perverts. But the cops were waiting because it's a small town. They know. So we run out naked, jump in the back of the car to put our shorts on. The cops are surrounded the car.

And I was like, we're rubbing asses, me and my two fat friends. And I was like, I'm going to put my shorts on like a human being outside of the car because I know we're busted anyway, right? And the cop grabbed me and handcuffed me behind my back, wouldn't let me do it, took me to jail completely naked, and I got fired. And my dad had to bail me out of jail naked. Yeah. I had the exact same experience, actually.

Yeah. I was turned out by my father completely naked. Yeah. Whoa. With an indecent exposure charge while drunk. Yeah. Jesus. Yeah.

He never talked about it either. My dad was very conservative, very nice guy in our town. He didn't even believe it was happening, but it was. And he bailed me out seven times. There's seven different. So it wasn't like a new thing, but it was like too much for him to comprehend. All of my arrests and rehabs are taboo for the most part. Right.

Yeah, especially when nudity is involved. Let's just move on. That's horrible. Especially when it's the middle of winter in Iowa. And the cop was calling me a pervert on the cop car. I was like, dude, give me a fucking towel or something. Can I swear on this? Yeah.

Give me a fucking towel. Cover me up, asswipe. And the cop, it's such a small town that I met the cop's wife a year later. And she goes, oh, my God, you're tall. From the description my husband gave me, you were a shriveled up little guy. But the cops, you know, you would, the police in the city were trained. But the sheriff's deputies, anytime we got outside city limits, they were elected. So they were the sheriff, redneck, and all his giant buddies.

So that's the guys you fought with because it was like a fair, you got your butt kicked and believe me, but it was on. And I remember there was this giant guy named Bruce Allen. He was about 6'5", and I got into a fight at McDonald's with him because I was drinking at McDonald's, and he kicked me out. And so I went around the window, and he had sat down to eat, and I went up to the window and gave him the finger, and I didn't leave in my car.

I went to the bathroom out the back. I should have left because he came in the bathroom. I guess my friend said he got up, took his hat off, came in the bathroom, and I was peeing. Punched me in the back of the head as hard as he could, and then I was fighting. My pants were down. I ended up in the fight.

Just a horrible – and I was a jerk. But anyway, so the next weekend, I get out of jail, up in the you know fight you know just a horrible and i was a jerk and i was but that's it and anyway that so the next weekend i get out of jail i go down to atlanta georgia i was playing university i was playing uh in the peach bowl uh against tennessee and i get all the way to old fulton county stadium which you guys probably don't remember and i get to my seat and i'm sitting right next to bruce allen the guy I did the fight with. But, you know, it was off. It was like Wile E. Coyote and the other.

We were off duty. Yeah, yeah. You know, so, you know, there was some compassion with the cops at a certain point. But they would, you know, if they fought you, they would take you home. They wouldn't necessarily always take you to jail, which is a big reason. So you almost prefer the beating. Well, I mean, like I have a

kid, I have kids now, and I don't want them to be mouthy. It's stupid to mouth out to the cops. I could remember the first time I got arrested, I was 16, and a cop pulled a gun and put it right to my head. And said, I want to pull this fucking trigger. What? In front of me and all of it. And I was like, fuck you, do it.

Because I'm a dumb, drunken, crazy. 16, wow. And that cop Whoa, it's 16. Wow. And that cop ended up getting fired for the police. He was shooting rabbits out of his squad car and broke the windshield. I mean, there's something horrible that happened. But he wanted to shoot me so bad. I was like, fuck you, do it, because I'm this idiot kid. And I'm just praying that my son's not anything like me.

These stories are funny until you have a kid. You're like, oh, boy. Yeah, like boy please don't do that yeah but he's i see him by the way he dives into the ball pit i'm like oh no yeah i'll make him you know but he has a good mother already yeah yeah so do you think that's just an element of just kind of being in a small town though and then kind of being like have a little bit of bravado and you're drunk and you grew i grew up without a mother if you grow up without a mother in a small town holy shit people fucking make fun of you oh my god i mean

whatever is different about you right it's small town so every day i'd have to walk this gauntlet of the reber brothers the bigger kids in the neighborhood to school and have to get picked on picked up and you know you figure out uh you got to fight you know when i first made people laugh at school it was because i wanted the bullies to laugh. Sure. And then I wanted them to like me. That's a real personality defect is, yeah, I want bullies to like me so I can befriend them. And then they'll like me, the people that hate me.

But I think you get that when you're an insecure kid. It's a defense mechanism. It's like, I've got to break you down somehow. Well, and then also, eventually the bullies, they stop growing. Right. And then you keep growing. So it wasn't just me that got picked on. It was me and my friends.

And we eventually became the bigger guys. And one at a time before, I mean, the last bully I got was the dad graduate from high school. Ammo was his name, Chris Ammonhauser. He picked on me my whole life. And he came to our senior party he was older and i unleashed on him broke his nose and wow but it took till the last day of high school to get the last guy right and i know it's not but my friends were also doing the same thing i mean and you know we we talk about our behavior because we were just crazy dumbasses

you know mouthy and uh you know i don't know that if you're a small town, you really plan out your life. You go, oh, I got so much to live for. You're like, I'm going to live for tonight. And especially if you work at a meatpacking plant, you will get very drunk every night. And there's also a sense of justice at a meatpacking plant because everybody has very sharp knives.

So there's no fighting in the plant. But immediately after work, behind the behind the union hall everything is settled and being a young guy in there an idiot the old guys are smart they want to entertain themselves so they set up fights oh they'll instigate me and cubbage over in hambone he called me a back of that is how they say it this is inappropriate you know cubbage says you're a faggot what that son of a bitch you know that's it back in the day but then they went to him and you know the Cummings says you're a fag. I go, what? That son of a bitch. You know, that's the back of the day. And then they went to him and,

you know, Cummings actually brought a fucking sheep to work. That's not even, I'm not even kidding. He left in his car all day. He was, most of them were farmers too.

So he, I had resentment on him. I mean, here's the thing. If you're from a redneck area, the hillbillies you fucking hate. It's like the rednecks, hillbillies.

Yeah. Appalachians. Exactly. Our football coach who hated me, we're friends now. He was just at the Rose Bowl sitting behind me. He was the University of Iowa MVP in like 74. Then he was our football coach almost a couple years later. He was a tough guy.

He was like, he would take me on. I had a helmet and pads. He had nothing. But he had the Arnold gauntlet, which is all the lin on. I had a helmet and pads. He had nothing. But he had, you know, he had like the Arnold gauntlet, which is all the linemen. I was quarterback. Linemen on each side, and they could kick and punch. And that was how it was back then.

And, you know, I was so mouthy, I would never give in, even though, you know, it was painful. But he also taught gym class, which he fairly hated because he would just bring five dodgeballs. And he'd go, Redneck's over here, Stoner's over here, and throw the dodgeballs. And then we fucking beat the shit out of each other for an hour. And that's kind of how the Lord of the Flies thing. And then we were supposed to turn on our football jerseys at the end of the season.

I was like, fuck that. This fucking jersey is the best thing. And I was sitting in English class, and that motherfucker came in the door, saw me. I had my jersey on, came up, ripped it off of me. In class, I have no shirt on now, which is my biggest fear. But now we're friends. We sat at the Pasadena together. We became friends after that.

But it was a rough existence sounds like it but you know you never you know the comedy when i i do remember making people laugh and going oh that's you know however inappropriate i was being and part of this craziness i I think, was because I'm not going to let somebody, I'm going to be the guy that does the craziest thing or whatever, and part of us being an alcoholic, but you want to make people laugh or you want to be the craziest, but there was many times where I would be in the back of a squad car like,

fuck, I fucked up. I went one too many this time. A little too far. Yeah, and I always had this feeling if I don't fuck up too bad, I might have a chance in life. But there's been several, there were several moments

where I was in jail where I was like, okay, this time. This time. This time, yeah. And then six more. Yeah. Then after that.

Yeah, it's always like, oh, this is the last time. And then a week later, you know, I think I can handle one or two. And the thing about comedy is when you first start doing, you know, working,

like everything is so fun. Yeah. You love doing these one-nighters and all this traveling for nothing and open mics and you love doing all this shit yeah and then uh you know you start getting make it living at it and now i look back like if i had to start it now i'd be like oh fuck no but but i but you know i'm grateful i was that crazy because you gotta be crazy it's a stupid thing to do you have to be young and crazy it's a stupid it makes no sense you should stay in school and become whatever started relatively late yeah i started at 26 so yeah i guess that's kind of late but i see people doing that i also see people that are lawyers that quit being lawyers to do this yeah greg geraldo did so yeah there you go what a great guy he was yeah and uh what a funny guy

yeah yeah hilarious so smart too but uh yeah but you know you uh you know the people come from all over and that you know what i have found is that the more i focus on it the better the the less scary it is the better sure it is you know to go up without an act which 10 years ago i did when i started we're doing it again, you know, it was frightening. Because you can get booked, and then you're like, oh, how am I going to do this? Oh, I'll emcee.

And then so, you know, now I do 75 minutes, and I'm very, I have to keep it, I have to pay attention to the time so I don't go over that. But, you know, when you have a tale to tell or whatever, when you have jokes, when you have, you know, it's going to be, it's still nerve- wracking a little bit.

If you don't get nervous right before you go on stage, because it hits you, these fucking people paid money to see me. Yeah. You know, no matter what I'm feeling, because I tend to fucking, I'm in my head so much. Negative, this isn't going, what is going to happen next? What, oh crap. Oh, I have, you know, and then I go, oh my God, look at all these people that came out to see me. And they're all smiling and they're not thinking about what. So all that matters is for 75 minutes to have a good time.

They have to have a good time. They deserve it. And it takes you out of your own head. Even though your act is your life or parts of your life, you've got to focus on these people. Totally. Did you have a moment where you had to do it sober for the first time? Well, probably, I mean, there was a moment. Everybody talks about it.

And Chris Farley used to be worried about that. I always think that, I mean, I can remember remember doing it the 80s so fucked up you know where I was just doing a show for my drug dealers who were in the audience trying to get there to come you know and it really wasn't about the performance but you know back then kind of everybody not everybody I always say but everybody was sort of do on the same page And it was a crazy time. But then I think after you go to rehab, especially if it's public and people know, people kind of look different. And then you've got to think about things a little differently.

But going to rehab is great material. Relapse is great material. The worst things that can happen to you are the best material. Yeah, get some stories, Moran. Yeah, that's true. God, I actually had the curse of getting sober before I started comedy and haven't relapsed yet. Right.

Good for you. Here's the thing. It doesn't help. It's like saying, oh, I need to be fat to be funny. It's just bullshit. It's the disease fucking trying to kill you. I need to be drunk. I need to do whatever.

I need to relax. Last night, one of the kids that opened up for me, kids, guys, he smoked some pot, which is cool. If I could have been a pot smoker, I would do that. But I noticed he was really chatty at the end. And they kind of went on a little long, the opening, because I have a kind of a tight shift. And so I think if you make your job your party place,

then it's probably a problem. I think everybody can party unless you're an addict, or then you probably shouldn't, but you can. But if it's your job, that's time that's like that's what i got the most fucked up was when i was working right so that's the crazy you know like a normal person goes to work and then has a couple beers and my thing was go to work be wasted yeah and then you know but then there's beer there like your job i'm sure coming from a small town working at the hormel factory and you're like oh i'm just doing comedy this isn't a job like this is all right it's all gravy now well

you know that's a problem too even now it's like yeah you know after you work to be paid but this is so you know if i if i if i don't get this movie or don't do my pilot doesn't get picked up you know like that's you're devastated for a second but then you're like well this isn't real and you got to be careful because when you do make money, you gotta try to hold on to it because you're like, this is not real money. This is crazy.

They're paying me $5 million to do a movie. I'm gonna fucking spend that because I don't deserve that. And I've done that. But eventually you realize, oh, this is my job. And it's an annuity comedy. It's something you can keep doing forever

if you do it right and uh you know it's a it's a great thing because there's no other guarantees in our business there's no like retirement plan like some people that are meat packers are about to retire that worked with me yeah and then they have a nice family and that thing and then grandkids and stuff and yeah i'll never be able to retire so right that is the scary thing about just comedy in general because yeah you'll run into guys like how long you've been doing this like 30 years yeah damn and we're doing the same gig i know i know i do have to say there's like i come in i'm grumpy and then the the the guy that's the mc will say you could tell like

he's not that far different than my age and he he loves it, and he wishes that, yeah. And so I'm like, oh, I should get my head around this. I don't, you know, I need to appreciate stuff. But it's a perspective thing. Once you get to the next level, you're like, okay, now this is what's up. Well, here's what I know for sure in my business. You know, George Clooney is very insecure. Everybody has the moments of insecurity.

Not that he's very insecure, but I pick him because he was somebody I've known from my first year in 1988 on the Roseanne Show. He's had ups and downs. It's like the people that are the most successful, they go, oh, that guy, you know, that guy, oh, he's got it all. I wish I was that guy. You know what?

In show business, you eat, everybody eats shit. You just, how much shit can you eat? Right? You know what? In show business, you eat, everybody eats shit. You just, how much shit can you eat? Right? You know? And I can eat a lot. New reality show. How much can you eat?

Okay. That's good. Literally. Yeah. People would do that. They would literally eat shit now to be on TV. Yeah. I watch these Donald Trump

fucking things and it's now a whole thing where the protesters want their camera time. The other people people you don't know who's real who's fake right you know it's uh it's very upsetting is is stand-up satisfying in that way though of um because i've heard other people that do that act and also do stand-up they say like acting can be so frustrating because sometimes you'll pour your heart into this thing then you don't even know if it's going to get picked up or you film something and then it comes out like two years later versus stand-up. You have an idea that day and then you can go up on stage and say it that night.

Well, what you just said makes sense. I've been in 125 movies. I've done a bunch of other. I learned early on. I mean because when I first started, my first writing job was on Roseanne, which is the number one show. My first acting job was on there and producing job. So I was spoiled a little bit. And then my first real movie was True Lies,

which I was spoiled because it was a huge movie. I love that movie. So I assume all movies are like that. They aren't. Arnold Schwarzenegger's movies are like James Cameron directs them all. You leave it to me, plant, and you go right into stand-up. But it's also, thank God I didn't realize, oh, this is a lot of pressure. Because I would have, you know. But I't realize, oh, this is a lot of pressure. Because I would have,

but I was like, oh, this is how it goes. But there'll be movies that you work five months on that nobody sees or movies you work one day on like Austin Powers that people remember what you said.

Sure, sure. Or Freddy's Dead. You know. I remember that one. But you go into stuff. My advice is you go into it. You know, I think what happened is, you know, I'd done so many and I was doing like 10 independent films a year

and that started grueling on me and I started resenting just the sitting there every day, oh, dreading this work. And, you know, that's why I mix it up with stand-up and also writing because I think stand-up makes you a better writer, a better actor. You know, mix the three things up. You know, on the days where you're like fuck what is happening in my the phone is not ringing you get up and you just start writing and i don't care if you write your journal or whatever you write yeah there's something that says i'm taking control of i'm gonna make something happen you don't know what it is but right you know i've been doing it long enough uh 30 fuck 33 or four years that

you know that something will happen if you just stick with it or maybe it won't but also you know a meteorite's gonna hit the fucking planet one of these days so you know if you said worry about oh i've got to work this long and support my family this long and i've got little kids and then you miss out on the the joys of the moment and so you know like tonight i got two shows that my day is sort of planned around that you know besides talking to you guys yeah thank you for taking time i really appreciate it but but you know the the time i have by myself is not necessarily the best time for me you know you know but uh you know you you work your way through it you're like okay i get picked up at this time i always have fun doing the shows i mean once i was sage i never am done with a show and go oh that was a horrible not that i do perfect every time

i forget stuff i do this i did it backwards i do whatever but it always feels good it feels like the best 12-step meeting or whatever. You always feel, my soul feels better. Yeah, definitely. You know, and. It's like cathartic. Yeah. And then I can go back to the hotel and start being weird.

But, you know, although I did go to, what's that place? You noticed the name? Royal Farms. Oh, my God. You like the rofo. I came in on Thursday night to National Airport in D.C. Does that sound right? Reagan?

Reagan, yeah. Yeah, International. Because they don't have any – the flights weren't optimal to Baltimore. So anyway, the guy picks me up at 9 p.m. I know the hotel has room service until 10, so I know I'm not going to make it here in time. So I start negotiating negotiating myself about fast food i was like oh if we go to a place i'll just eat the meat i won't eat the bread whatever and and

then the guy's like uh you know this there's a place called royal farms which i was like oh i'll check that out and then i go in there it's fucking amazing like if you're a food addict it is the most amazing place at 11 p.m that's the best best place to stop after a long night. Right. And they're making it, and they have breakfast and lunch, and it's a 7-Eleven, so you get that other shit. And the people there are fun. Yeah. Wow. You know?

They have really good cold pre-made sandwiches, too. Cold what? Pre-made sandwiches. Yes. Like packaged and everything. Yeah. But, you know, I like there's a button or a thing you push, and you can design your sandwich.

So I got burgers and breakfast and chicken, because I know that chicken is famous, and the potatoes. The wedges. Yeah, I had two giant bags, so I got back here. In fact, when we pulled up, the security's pretty good here. There's a couple plainclothes guys out front, and it was late, and so there was some kind of fucked up people out there, and they kind of walked towards me, and I just clutched those bags.

I was like, you can have my money, but I can't go. I have to have this food. Like, I was serious. You will not take my Rofo. You can't have my Rofo. No, because then I was like, this is, you know, that's the kind of addict I am.

It's like, you know. No, with food, that's serious, especially when you're looking forward to it. Well, food's the original. I mean, sugar, you know, from sugar means love, you know. Yeah. So, you know, I mean, if I, you know, I have several, I have to drop several.

I mean, it doesn't like, you know, you know this. You know, people are like, they don't like addicts or nervous around addicts, recovering addicts, because they're like, oh, my God, that guy could at any moment just start using drug tree. It really doesn't work like that, in opinion there's a sort of level you go down this and you know it starts with your self-esteem and whatever and you know most of the time but every now and then you'll hear a story about someone who was like i was doing fine and i just said yes to a glass of wine and uh right or my friend david carr who passed away a year ago he's a writer for the new york times we were friends for 35 years.

And we were addicts together in the 80s in the Twin Cities. And we stayed friends. But one of his slips was he was putting away, there had been a dinner, and he was emptying glasses. And there was some whiskey in a glass, half full. And he's just just like fuck it yeah i mean that's you know uh you know i suppose that you know that can happen but i i feel that subconsciously you're planning probably you know and i think we all are well what if you know

because it's always the thing what if there's 10 minutes to live right am i going to do that sober fuck no how do I get downtown? Every alcoholic is... You know what? I'm just going to plan it out now. And then you obsess on it. Right. And the sad thing is you could make that happen at any moment.

So, you know, I mean, I can. Especially now with like traveling and stuff. It's like no one's going to know if I'm in like, you know, somewhere in Pennsylvania. Right. But the morning after is going to come no matter what. Right. I'm not willing to face it. Right.

Yes, the morning after. Yeah. Just get some Royal Farms instead. Yeah. That's great. I mean, that's also, you know, you start eating bad. You start feeling bad about yourself. You're like, well, it would feel better.

Right, right. But you're doing a really good job though, right? Yeah. Despite being sober and all that stuff. It's great, man. And how open doing a really good job, though, right? Yeah. Despite being sober and all that stuff. It's great, man. And how open you are about it, I think, probably inspires a lot of people. Well, you know, it's a tough thing. You know, it's funny because once you admit to that, you know, people that are assholes

and don't understand it can just make comments all the time. Oh, yeah. Oh, he's on coke. He's on this. If they think you're hyper or whatever and you know you just you know you you share your your mistakes you share your positive stuff and and you know also i would like people just not for me because i don't need the compassion i guess i but i i think you you have to have a level of compassion for addicts that you're lucky if you

don't understand it and i get it people that aren't addicts don't understand it because it makes no sense but but just believe it you don't want to be it no addict wants to be an addict or have that head or have that personality or you know and the thing is people say well i'm going to make this work and you know i help uh you know you help other people because it makes you stay sober right and so but i a lot of parents will say of teenagers that you know they feel like shaming them and it's a little different whether they're your kids in the house uh but just in general if it's your husband or your wife i mean the shaming part they're already shaming i mean i am you know i'm i my head is full of regrets from everything i ever you know and if it if my wife

just tends to list those out, you know, there's a certain amount I could take. Damn. I was like, yeah, I got that covered. And I think we all, you know, it's not like we, but yet again, we have to forget our mistakes for a moment. We have to forget our regrets. We have to not live in the past.

We have to bake today because that's how we live. Otherwise, we don't live. Right. So it's that weird thing where sometimes you're with people that want to constantly remind you of your worst moments and and uh because they think that's helpful it's not yeah you got your worst moments you're logged in oh yeah sure sure yeah no it's uh it can be a frustrating thing too i've heard you say in interviews you're like no i get it Sometimes if I'm working with a guy and he's an addict, I just want to punch him in the head. Well, yeah, he reminds me of myself.

Believe me. I've done a lot of interventions that are not the healthy intervention. After they've done the healthy intervention where I just bust into a guy's house and it's illegal. It's a long story. But I see myself in all those guys and i hate that i hate that what i hate about them is what i hate about me and it gets it's easy to drag them out of there right because i'm like yeah you're not gonna die i mean it's your life you get to die when you want except not right now because i'm fucking dragging you to rehab like literally dragging you and then

you're there and then you can decide but you're there, and then you can decide, but you're going. And I'm going to overpower you. I'm going to do whatever. You know, it's something I do with, you know, the police know about it. You know, it started many years ago after I made a huge mistake doing one of these interventions.

With Kiss? With Peter Criss, yeah. Horribly embarrassing story. I've ever watched in my life. When I was like nine years old, I had to see that episode. Oh, my God. Oh, God. That's so embarrassing.

I just saw my wife. There's something on the internet of the Donahue show after I got the Peter Criss or whoever the guy was. And I looked so embarrassed. First of all, it was after my first year of sobriety. The first year of sobriety, I gained like 80 pounds because I wanted to do everything except use drugs and drink, which I did. A lot of people do.

Yeah, and it was fun. But you could see how much shame I have as they're talking to me and I feel like this fat, insecure guy. I thought you played well. You're honest about your game. I was a big Kiss fan. But I know what was going on in my head. Like, oh my God, this is worse.

What really happened, too, is that after it became clear it wasn't Peter Criss, after I'd made public that it was Peter Criss, and it was this guy, the police in Santa Monica came and arrested me and took me down to the police station because I'd kidnapped a fucking dude that wasn't Peter Criss. And also Peter Criss, the real Peter Criss, was suing me, obviously. But there was a moment in that police station where the cop's like, wait a minute, you

went down there on your own and grabbed this guy to save his life? I was like, yeah. Okay, real quick, I'm not familiar with this story. Okay, here's the story. Here's the story. When I got out of rehab, you know, as we do, we realize that helping other people is a way to stay sober.

It's a very selfish program. And I was sponsoring, I was helping three guys. And these fucking guys, they're great. But like every month, we would go to this, it was sort of like a club to them. And every month they would have one drink. I swear to God. What? Really?

One drink. And then they would call that a relapse.apse and then they get a newcomer chip as it's called and i remember sitting there supporting them and looking they had one had a necklace with six newcomer chips i was like so i took the guys out the three outside i was like i am not fucking helping you guys first of all you're not even alcoholics if you have one drink a month you're not a fucking alcoholic second of all i need something more dangerous because i'm going to use otherwise because when i used it was dangerous there's something missing in my life i need to do this thing and so i thought i and i and i went home and opened up the national choir and peter chris the drummer for the band kiss who i loved the guy with the cat makeup on they said was a homeless alcoholic living out of Santa Monica Pier. I lived in Santa Monica

or I lived in Bretwood and I had 20 minutes. And I was like, I'll go down to the fucking find him and save his life. Yeah, so I drove my Bentley down there. I had a Bentley and a mullet. I have neither now. And I fucking parked my car right on the street and then went looking

for him because I had 20 minutes. And I was going up to people, do you know where peter chris is they're like you got 20 bucks oh yeah and i finally went under the pier back in the day it's back in the day there was a tent giant tent under there full of crack smoke i went in there i see a guy at the end of the tent beating on his 50 gallon drum very slowly like a fucking zombie actually playing drums yes and he had fans i swear there's people like oh wow and so i was like dude are you peter chris he had fans. I swear. There's people like, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, this guy's the shit. And so I was like, dude, are you Peter Criss? He's like, you got 20 bucks?

I was like, yeah. He goes, yes, I am. I go, good. I'm Tom Arnold. I'm here to save your life. I look around. I go, I can't fucking save everybody's life. That's some old school AA shit.

Yeah. Going right into it. Right into it. Throw them over my shoulder. Start running out of there. People are grabbing me and fighting me because they want their hero to stay with them. I had to kick some of them. I get into my fucking car, which I hadn't really thought about.

The first thing I thought in my car was, holy fuck, roll the windows down. I have a big heart, but this is disgusting. I put him in a... I didn't have a place to bed for him in a rehab. Now I would plan it exactly. I started calling there at 72 hours. I had to put him in a motel and then keep going back there and check it.

I got him some beer, you know, I'm not a monster. Right. You know, kicking his friends out. I had this bat that I still use to this day, this little bat. He kicked his fucking crackhead friends out of there. And I said publicly that I was saving Peter Chris's life. Because at the time I was like very insecure. My rehab was very public. going in yeah yeah it was

very and so I was like oh this will make me look good and I there's something about anonymity that I apparently didn't pick up the first time I was in rehab so I said yeah I'm saving Peter Chris's life he's a homeless alcoholic drug addict living under Santa Monica yeah and then this

woman called me and she said i live in boston i'm his girlfriend from 10 years ago and i haven't seen him i want to save his life i was like yeah that's great no i go i'm gonna get him in rehab tomorrow and then he's all yours then i will technically have saved his life myself god would like that and then i went to pick him up on the day he's not there the hotel manager says oh a limousine came and took him to the airport i think he's on his way to boston i'm like fuck that bitch oh my god she went behind but she fucking and then eight hours later because this is how god works my phone rang it was that woman in boston yeah hysterical she's like oh my god he's here he's throwing up all over my living room

and he's not peter chris i was. Oh, shit. And then immediately the real Peter Chris went public and fucking, like he was home with his family. He's sober, watching TV and I'm on TV going, Peter Chris, homeless, alcoholic, drug addict, living in a center. And so he's suing me. The cops come and get me. They take me down to the police station.

My lawyer, Marty Singer, who's still my lawyer, and we go down there and I'm so fucking embarrassed. Also, the whole 12-step thing, I violated the basic code, it turns out. And I feel like a phony anyway. And then the cop's like, listen, wait a minute. You actually went down there to see somebody's life and and fucking battled with people and i mean you got the wrong guy but and you kidnapped a guy by the way but that's kind of amazing and then i saw the

cop talking to the the county city attorney and he came back goes listen maybe we could drop these charges but could you do that one more time i was like yeah he goes well there's a cop that lives in lahabra now uh we've tried everything with him he works with us he's all fucked up we think he's gonna die maybe today tomorrow uh you know and i said well uh does he have a i guess i don't have to ask if he has a gun he goes yeah he's got a gun i go better than a dog and that's really my thing it's like dogs are so unpredictable right so i i said i needed a key to his house, his address, and I went down there

and surprised him and drug him out of there. Then the judge, as Bernie Kamens in Santa Monica, said, hey, we're starting something. Eventually we started something called the Drug Court, which is a U.S. drug court. I'm an officer of it. It's all over the country. We take people who are nonviolent drug offenders,

instead of putting them in jail, we give them a chance, give them a year to be sober and put them with their families. It's a wonderful thing. And a lot of conservative judges are behind it. It's great. And he's like, yeah, I got one more that you do. So I felt like, oh, I have to do these. Right.

And then I was- You become like a bounty hunter, basically, now. There's been some crazy experiences. That's awesome you know you get you should write a book about these well i did it we're doing a show finally good yeah but that's such a positive experience i mean i'm not gonna act in it but i'm right but yeah that's great but also what a interesting positive experience to come out of that like you know what i mean like you went into it trying to save one person then it turned out to like kind of go awry but they're also like well a lot of them go awry here's the

thing here's the thing that i found uh i love it when if i broke into a guy's house and got him out of there took it to rehab happily ever after you know i could think of one guy i you know everybody was uh my agents were, he was a big manager. And people were weeping about this guy, and I was like, fuck this guy, because he's a big braggy, you know, he was the guy that bragged about his best friend, the guy from The Clash.

Joe Strummer. Joe Strummer. He was his best friend, you know what I say. Ed Mick Jagger was his best friend, too. Sure. So I knew, I got the key to his house, the clicker, did 11 in the morning, the key to his house, the clicker, did 11 in the morning,

went over to his house. I asked if he had a gun or a dog. They're like, no. As soon as I opened the door, this Rottweiler just comes charging me. With a gun in its mouth. With a gun in its mouth. But I stepped to the side

and he wasn't after me. He just wanted out of that fucking house. But anyway, I get the guy. I get in there and we have a little scuffle and uh he tells 911 he reaches the phone and and you know one thing led to another it was but the cops knew i was doing it so yeah and they end up tape recording him saying some just very incriminating things about himself because he didn't hang up the phone it was great but on

the way out i well first of all i, what's the most important thing to him? Because I need a tool. They go, well, he's got this picture of him and Joe Strummer on his mantle and this Mick Jagger-sized guitar. I go, that's good to know. So I come in. I go, Jerry, you're going to rehab. He's like, what the fuck is Tom Arnold doing in my house? I go, you're going to rehab. He goes, no, I'm not. I go, really?

Do you like this picture? He goes, yes. I smash it. Do you like this guitar? I smash it. Then he gets up and puts hands on me. And then it's on. But on the way out, this is something. On the way out, he has all this memorabilia in his house. Nothing about his family, but memorabilia. He has kids.

There's an Arnold Schwarzenegger life-size Terminator doll on the way out. And I'm kind of dragging him. I've got him horse, hog-tied. And I see that. I put him down for a second and just fucking I'm kind of dragging him I got him horse hog tied and I see that I put him down for a second and just fucking knocked the head

of that thing off so satisfying but you know what six months later I went back to his house and on his mantle was a softball that his daughter

had hit for a home run signed by her and I wish the story ended there you know it's a guy I you know I kept I keep in contact

with the ones that'll speak to me and then eight years later he got drunk and fell down the stairs ended there. You know, it's a guy I keep in contact with, the ones that will speak to me. And then eight years later, he got drunk and fell down the stairs and died. But, you know, that was eight years. Because he was like, even the cops that came, he called the cops. And they knew because they were waiting outside. They're like, this fucker, we've been up here five times this week. He's going to be dead by.

And there's always going to be people on death's door. Because it's not, you know, legal. And it's not 12-step ethical. But you're going to live today. I'm going to make sure of it because I'm going to fucking drag you in there. And that's kind of the – And it makes me – selfishly, it's good for me. Sure. But at the same time, there's a positive result from it.

Even if it is like I feel good because I'm doing something good. At the end of the day, you are doing something positive. Well, at one time, this grandmother, a very wealthy woman, called me and said, Oh, my grandson, who's an asshole, is at the Beverly Hills Hotel with this other guy who I knew. He used to be married to Pam Anderson and was a boxer. And I think my grandson's going to die because he's with this guy and the guy's a bad guy. They're doing drugs. I was like, yeah, your grandson is

his fault. I was driving by the Beverly Hills Hotel on the way home. I was like, fuck it. Okay, I'll go in there. What room are they in? I walked through the lobby there. They're like, oh, Mr. Arnold, can we hold your bat? Because I always take this bat with me. I guess. I need the key to room 237 or whatever.

So I go up there, and I'm like, I am going to have to fight this other fucking dude. I just want to, because you have the element of surprise. Right. And you got to get to the one guy, and the worst thing is when they have a girlfriend,

because she'll fucking scratch the shit out of your face. And you can't do anything to her. You just got to move in fast and get them the fuck out of there. So I come busting in there. Still being sex over here. Yeah, I come busting in there and those guys are gone.

But on the bed is this naked young lady face down. So I'm like, fuck. So I kind of get her going and she's out of it. I look at the bottom of the bed. There's a bag with a bus pass attached to it

that she had come into LA from Oregon two days before and everything she had was in this thing and then there was a withdrawal from her bank of $43,000. Everything turns out her mom and her saved for her acting career. She moved to LA, went to a party,

met these two assholes. They took everything she had. I called the kid's grandmother who's very wealthy. I said, I need $ need 43 000 in this account or i'm gonna have fucking brandon arrested and uh so he did that and then the girl i got her up i talked to her mom in oregon and i got her back safely and i thought that's a good story yeah that's a good story about nine months later i went to mr chow's a restaurant and a buddy of mine's a good story. About nine months later, I went to Mr. Chow's, a restaurant, and a buddy of mine, very good friend of mine, was in the back corner where he always sits,

and he's like, come here, Tom. And he's older than me, and he was sitting with this very pretty young lady, and he's like, do you recognize her? And I said, no, I'm Tom Arnold. She said, you saved my life. Holy shit. And at that moment, she didn't look the same. She looked amazing.

But she's also a prostitute now. So anyway, she's not dead. Right. She's not an actress. She's probably a prostitute. So you figure there's some gray area. Yeah. If you're alive and breathing, you're still in the game.

Right. Yeah. God. And her boy, she's dating billionaires. So who's to criticize that right yeah sure there's probably some acting involved in that you know a lot of acting i was making a lot more money than acting let's say first true that's really incredible man i had no idea that side of you you're like a superhero in the sky well no i mean

you know that's i'd like to think that that by the part of me. The reality is it's very selfish. I've really never left one of those things feeling bad. I felt some compassion for people. When you're in the middle of it, you've got to be so hyper-focused on just that guy or that

woman getting them the fuck out of there. Being an asshole. Not backing down. Not showing any humanity. Fucking grabbing woman getting them the fuck out of there yeah being an asshole not backing down not showing any humanity fucking grabbing and getting them out yeah because if you stop you what you as you say in their eyes is the word I see the reflection of the worst part of me the part I hate and so I'm gonna fight that yeah and so that you literally have to fight him yeah and but it's I've had somebody it's just never what you think it's going to be. No. Because they're never like, okay, yeah, let's go. Tom Arnold.

No, no. The one, and it has changed since 1990 when I first started. So I go to this kid, this other kid is on a high rise at Wilshire, and I know what Ruby's in. I know there's other people in there. And so I get a laundry basket cart, and I have the key to the door, kick the door open. I know how it's laid out,

the apartment. I know he's sitting at the back of this thing. Get him. Get his fat ass in that cart. Start to roll about. His girlfriend, of course, takes a swipe, fucking nails

all the way across my face. I kind of push her up against the wall. I get him out of there. I put him in my car and I made a mistake. Usually, I'll go to a place very close

like Cry Help is a very hardcore rehab. And this is not a time when you want to take people to Promises or a fancy place. This is fuck you time. It's either this place or the slab at County. Where do you want to detox? Because at this place, they'll give you something. There, they won't.

But I let this kid's family talk me into taking him to Betty Ford, which is a drive from L.A. And so I'm driving him down. He's in the back of the car, and he kicks me in the back of the head. I said, if you fucking do that again, I'm going to throw you in the trunk. I'm not shitting you. He did it again. I fucking pulled the car over on the 10, fucking get out there

and throw his fat ass in the fucking trunk and drive the rest of the way down there. I had a nice trunk. And so I get him down there, get him out of the car, check him into Betty Ford. It is going so well. I watch him surrender and say,

thank you for saving my life. I'm glad I'm here, whatever. And I watched them walk him back into the facility from the administration. I was like, oh my God, that would work. That is crazy. I get back in my car, drive me back to LA that motherfucker

I thought I'd frisked him but he had a cell phone in his sock he called a limousine from my trunk he was back in LA before I was I swear to god so I call the judge I say I can't do this anymore because these fuckers could just check right out he goes I got it

so now I can 5150 people so no matter what they got a 72 hour fucking hold right right yeah and then they can figure it out if it's 72 hours as you're coming down from whatever yeah how shitty you feel you might decide oh maybe i'll try you know being sober or whatever but you got 72 hours you're forced to think about it surrounded by medical professionals and yeah yeah yeah yeah once you get a and then you know it gets more complicated because you say like for instance jerry his wife was a crazy person too and she wanted to take complete custody of his kids and i made her sign a document before i went to his house that says if he gets sober he gets joint custody of his kids because again it's a the way i grew up with an alcoholic mom who wasn't there yeah you know i have a lot of

compassion for the kids and uh and so that's the best way but there was there's a big producer who asked for my help and people they don't appreciate i mean if you go into it thinking i'm gonna do these nice things that people are going to love me, then you're fucked. Or people are going to hire me, you're fucked. Because people are like scared. People are... But you do it for yourself.

You do it because it's the right thing. And so this big, powerful producer, who I didn't really know, but I knew he was very rich. He said his wife was on drugs and they had kids and she was a terrible drug addict, whatever,

and they were getting ready to go through divorce. And so I got her, took her down to the UCLA It was on drugs, and they had kids, and she was a terrible drug addict, whatever, and they were getting ready to go through divorce. And so I got her, took her down to the UCLA, and checked her into the psychiatric hold, just so we could see what she was on. And I get a call from my guy down there, and he's like, she's not on anything. And I was like, oh, fuck.

And the guy, I called the husband, and he's like, fuck you. That's the setup. Now, I don't have to pay her alimony. She doesn't get the kids. So then I call the cops. I go, listen, this motherfucker just fucked us all. They go, don't worry about it. We got it. They end up fighting.

I don't know how this happened, but they end up fighting drugs on him in his house. So he ends up losing custody of the kids. We get her out to be the kids. And he was so arrogant. He told me he did that. He had so little regard for me or for anything that

was going on and for the mother of his children. And so sometimes you go to work with the police to, if it's to accomplish the right thing, maybe it's illegal I guess technically planting drugs on somebody but if they've done you know you got to make

things right yeah that's inspiring man that makes me feel like I should do more stuff like that no you should I would tell you not to do that my wife is fucking freaked out about it you know like it's dangerous, man. Yeah. Because you don't know what you're going to do.

But what an evolution to go from fighting the cops in McDonald's then to working with cops to save people's lives. Well, you know, I always kind of, you know, there's a level of humanity that you see when somebody else is about to die. Even the worst scumbag addicts, cops have compassion for them. They're like, you know, because nobody, you know, you don't want people to die. They have families. You see it.

And cops see it every day. You know, it gets old. Dealing with addicts is a fucking nightmare. People that work with addicts deserve whatever money they make because we are the worst. Yeah. I sent a letter of amends to the police and they said it was the first one they ever gotten. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I just...

I mean, I had a lot of... And I remember the whole idea of amends, letters, especially my first rehab, because I was like, holy shit, I could just write these letters, and it's off my back, because it's been bugging me. And I was like,

Denise, sorry I ruined your credit. I'm sober now, bye. Ed, I'm sorry I burned down your house. I'm sober now, bye. And I was like, I burned down your house. I'm sober now. Bye. I thought that's what it was about. Ex-girlfriends first, of course. Ed McMahon second. Exactly.

Exactly. But, you know, it's a continuous, you know, and the thing is people in life don't necessarily work the program we work. Yeah, I didn't realize that for a long time. That's very true. I figured I was just the fuck up and everybody else was like living life spiritually. By the book. You know, if we do everything that we're supposed to do, we don't have any resentments. And I find you got to save a couple for when this shit hits the fan.

Like I don't generally have resentments. I mean, I have them, but I have a way of working them out of my head or jealousy or self my self-hate is a big one but i can work them out but the reason is it's nice to have a couple down you know especially if you're writing or if you're gonna be in a fight i know it's horrible to be able to pull those out really quick a little bit of drive if you're totally spiritual then you you i don't even think you get a boner but yeah you're too zen yeah boner but uh i don't recommend think you can get a boner. Yeah, you're too zen. You can't get a boner. I don't recommend becoming a drug addict to anybody. There is a really funny story about Ace Frehley, speaking of Kiss,

who a cop arrested him after a high-speech chase and stuff and somehow became his sponsor eventually. Oh, that's cool. Interesting. That kind of stuff happens. I love how open you are about this stuff because Mike's gone through his issues and both my parents kind of went through addiction stuff, so I kind of go through that as a product of that environment.

Like it was very weary for me for a while, so I'm trying to understand and move through all that stuff even as I get older. I mean, if that's the worst thing about you, then I think you're because we we know what to do to make it okay yeah you know there are people that are just fucking assholes just assholes and they're judgmental and they're fucking they're they're mean-spirited and they're cruel yeah but we're not that you know we are to ourselves right and we do affect other people we do hurt people but but it's not like oh i'm gonna open actively hurt people there are people that live like that i'm gonna hurt people yeah do hurt people but but it's not like oh i'm gonna open actively hurt people there are people that live like that i'm gonna hurt people yeah we hurt ourselves but it hurts

people to care about us yeah yeah and uh we we would never uh you know intentionally go how do i make that person feel smart we don't operate that way but there are people that do that they're the worst people in the world yeah exactly sociopathic yeah right but yeah it is true like you don't go out to the bar to get a drink thinking i'm going to ruin somebody's night right or i'm gonna like hurt my mom yeah yeah yeah it's crazy i was just like just a couple of drinks not you know the psych ward or yeah getting arrested or but no man i mean more power to you and congrats on working on all that stuff it Well, you've got to work on it every day. It's not just, I mean, my head is, I'm a crazy person. You know, if I sit.

But that's healthy to say that. Well, yeah. If I, you know, and especially it's healthy to get together with other crazy people and say, hey, you know, this is what I'm thinking today. And that's the great thing about 12-step meetings is if I say to my wife, you know what I'm thinking about doing today? She'd be freaked. But if I say it to my buddies in my meds group, they're like, me too. I'm thinking about moving,

going on a cocaine tour to South America. I was reading about this. It sounds like a great idea. I just read the article too. Yeah. Exactly. Let's get coffee. You make them put a gun to your head

so it's not really a slip. Right. Yeah. Nice. You have an out, dude. It's great. a slip. Right. Yeah. Nice. You have an out, dude. It's great. It's the best. Yeah, totally.

All right. Yeah, as we're wrapping up here, you mentioned punching off Terminator's head at that guy's house. Did you ever tell Arnold about that? Yeah. Was he okay with that? Did he challenge you to do it in real life?

Why would you do that? You know, I will say this. During our friendship of 20 some years he has sat down and said tell me about addiction and I remember when George W. Bush was president he's an addict

and there was a thing his co-campaign manager is a congressman from California and they came to me one night and said hey we might have a problem and might have to do an intervention on the president of the United States

and I was like immediately I have compassion for that guy first of all I'm a Democrat obviously and I'm a liberal but everything that people made fun of George Bush for I thought was kind of charming even when he was reading the goat book to the kids he didn't want to set these kids yeah he's

a parent he's a father yeah you don't freak out in front of these guys today on TV running for office all of them they freak out all the fucking time you want a president that's gonna make it so you have to sleep at night yeah I agree so he had a problem that I remember there was a story about him choking on a breath peanut yeah yeah yeah whatever the story was whatever and so I just He had a problem. I remember there was a story about him choking on a... Pretzel. Peanut. Yeah, pretzel. Yeah, whatever the story was. Whatever. And so I just gave my best advice to his wife and his people around him.

Because I was kind of surprised that he knew so little about addiction. Like, how does this work? Why do you... What's an intervention? What do you do? And imagine how hard it would be if you were an addict. Yeah. And you're the most powerful person technically in the world.

Is this while he's in office? Yeah. Wow. I think he went the route of church for sobriety. Right. Whatever works. Yeah. But it's sometimes harder for people like that, like Elvis,

like people like that that are isolated and people think of them up here. But you see that you can't help it you see it in the groups in la too where the the bigger celebrities uh but you know when but it's up to us to humble ourselves i'm not saying i'm the bigger celebrity but you know we got to humble ourselves you know and then i think you figure out pretty quick that nothing is very important but uh no and arnold doesn't understand addiction like he you know it doesn't make sense to have the look on his face but you know eventually if you

see stuff in your life enough you're gonna want to know especially as governor like i wanted him to know why it's important you know that you need rehab that you need whatever you need financing and why put all these fucking people in jail that are fucking non-violent you know it took a while to for people to get onto that and it just makes it worse too when you put somebody in prison now they're a felon it's tougher for them yeah it's way worse you don't want to get employed and you know it's like they should be getting job training and rehab and that type of thing didn't arnold used to break into the gym when it was closed when he was little could be related on that yeah that's right well he skipped out of the army to do a bus bodybuilding 15 or 16 in austria yeah yeah so i mean his dad he had a tough ass dad man i'm sure oh his mom was tough too i knew his mom and she

was uh i mean i could see why he loved the shrivers and Kennedys because they were so loving of a family. I was out, Sergeant Shriver and Maria's mom, they had a lot of things at their house out in Maryland. I don't even know where I am right now. It must be close. Are we in Maryland? Yeah, we're in Baltimore.

They had a lot of things for Special Olympics and Best Buddies, so I spent a lot of time out there. They're amazing people. By the way, Bria's dad was probably one of the greatest, no, for sure one of the greatest American men, people. And same with her mom. So much philanthropy. Yeah.

And they're very loving and touching, especially the boys. No, I'm kidding. But I can see they're so different to the way Arnold grew up in Eastern Europe with that tight-wrapped thing. Steely, cold. You know, and I suppose

somewhere in the middle is the best way to be, but, you know. Man, I mean, what a fucking life, Tom. It's just crazy to go from Iowa.

Well, it's got to keep going. I know, yeah, and it is. Jesus. It is, man. So, yeah, we appreciate you taking time out. Thank you. Good luck to you guys. Thank you so much. I want to support you guys. Thank you. go from iowa well it's got to keep going i know yeah and it is jesus it is man it's just so we yeah we appreciate you taking time out

thank you good luck to you guys that's why i want to support you guys thank you and real quick i apologize for tagging ralphie may in the tweet

because i listened to a podcast and i was like oh i shouldn't have done that well i don't care i don't know if you and ralph are cool now it makes you laugh the guy last night

that drove me back from the club was like you know ralphie may was in that seat he didn't fit very well but he was no i don't have i don't you know what which you didn't see he also tagged the guy who

pretended to be peter chris so yeah exactly we've had him on do we have any idea where he is by the way i don't i don't want to ask yeah yeah listen it's been so long that he could have died of old age you know yeah yeah maybe he's a kiss cover band yeah Yeah. But God bless Ralphie Bay. Yeah. I know. Yeah. I know what you mean. I know what you mean. It was a couple years ago, too.

So I was like, OK, maybe that's probably cooled off since then. Yeah. If I was having resentments on everybody that tweeted something bad about me, it would give me a full-time job. Yeah. Yeah. Some Twitter meltdowns, too. Yeah.

Good luck to him. He spreads that around. Yeah um yeah but no this has been so fun man like uh for mike and i both like the roseanne show is huge for us thank you still a huge fan and uh yeah it was great seeing you on there it was funny to see you play uh uh such a shithead too which was funny yes exactly taking dan's money buying a boob job with it you know is it his wife marrying a lesbian it was sweet it was very sweet people rock liquor stores all the time i slept with arty but yeah man this has been surreal and very cool and uh thank you for taking time out thanks guys appreciate it uh you're at tom arnold on twitter and uh oh yeah yeah yeah yeah okay Yeah, okay.

So there's like dates and you're touring and doing stand-up all over the place. So if people want to check that out. A couple times a month. Yeah, it's fun. Thank you, guys. We'll see you out there. Yeah. All right.

And everybody listening, all our episodes are on iTunes and Stitcher. Go to digressionsessions.com. Follow us on Twitter. I'm at Josh Koderna. At Mike Moran Wood, W-O-U-L-D. Nice. And the podcast is at Big Sesh Pod. David Koechner, take us out.

Big Russian Sessions, coming to an end. Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah