The Digression Sessions - Ep. 185 - Sarah Colonna & a Solo Sesh! (@SarahColonna)

Episode Date: April 13, 2016

Hola DigHeads! Josh has a quick convo w/ comedian Sarah Colonna in the green room of the Drafthouse Comedy Theater in DC. Then, around the 20 min mark, the boys are back discussing seeing a comedian bomb hard, Nasim Pedrad, Mike's car accident, and Mike drinks baby formula around the 50 min mark. Get into it! Follow your boys, Mike & Josh, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.  Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram Mike - @MikeMoranWould on Twitter The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook For live stand up and improv dates, check out - DigressionSessions.com/Calendar Thanks for listening, all! Do us a favor and rate and review us on iTunes & Stitcher plz!

hey everybody i'm josh kaderna and i'm mike moran and you're listening to the digression sessions podcast a baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers. Join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence. As we interview local and non-local comedians, writers, musicians, and anyone else we find creative and interesting. Yes. Oh, yeah. Who's the guest this week? Sarah Colonna is the guest on this week's program.

Comedian Sarah Colonna is the guest, I should say, for the first maybe like 20 minutes of the podcast. Me, Josh Koderna. I interviewed Sarah in the green room of the new Drafthouse Comedy Theater in D.C. this past weekend. We were doing shows and in between shows, we had about like 20 minutes to a half hour to chill and Sarah was nice enough to do a quick interview. So we kind of got down to the just the quick bits, a little lightning round kind of podcast about how she got started, some highs and lows, and she could not have been cooler. I had a great time doing shows with her, great time at that venue. And yeah, everybody was really cool. She attracts some really cool fans.

So she was super nice. And everybody should check her out online. You can go to sarahcolonna.com. She's on Twitter at Sarah Colonna. And she has a new special on Hulu called I Can't Feel My Legs. So check that out. It's good. She was super nice. So that's the first 20 minutes. And then after that, it's just a good old-fashioned solo dig sesh with Mike and myself. And we kind of catch up on what we've been up to. And Mike, I'll just, I'll spoil it right now, but Mike eats baby food. No, not baby food, baby formula. He drinks some baby formula and spoiler alert, he loves it. So I don't know if that's a new high or low for the podcast, but it was pretty fucking funny to watch. So yeah, so check out the first part with Sarah

and then we'll cut to Mike and I and we'll plug all of our upcoming dates and all that stuff because it's a pretty busy April. So come out and see us. We've got a bunch of live shows and in the meantime, let's go to the green room with me and Sarah Colonna. It's always weird when people are like,

I'll just take you to a comedy show for your birthday. I don't feel like if I was doing comedy, I would be like, I don't know. Seems like a weird choice. Yeah. Are we on? Is that what's happening? Sorry, I just go right into it.

I'll do an intro later. No, no, I like that. If you want to say any racist stuff now, we can just get it out of the way. I don't think I'd want to go to a comedy show on my birthday, but that's because I do this. It seems like my do this. Yeah. It seems like my worst nightmare.

Yeah. So did you start in Arkansas? I did not. I started in LA, which is a weird place to start comedy. Right. I mean, Arkansas too, I'm sure. Yeah, because they didn't even have, when I was in college, they didn't even have a club. They had nothing.

Wow. In Fayetteville, where I grew up. Right. I think they've always had a club in Little Rock, but I didn't even know enough to try to get to it or figure it out. So now I started when I moved to LA. Nice. What'd you go out to LA for?

Comedy? Comedy, writing, all of it. Yeah. Yeah. I just wanted to do it all. So I felt like those two coincide. So I started doing open mics and stuff there. Yeah.

I mean, it took forever. Oh, I'm sure. Yeah. I mean I've started doing open mics and stuff there. And yeah, I mean, it took forever. Oh, I'm sure. Yeah. I mean, it seems like a brutal place to start. It is.

I know. When I talk to other comics, they're like, wait, you started in LA? Cause they don't, in LA, they don't give you time.

There's no time. You get open mics and that's it. You get five minutes, you get showcases. You don't have time to build material. Right. Right. So you have to,

and then when you do feel like you finally get a showcase showcase you only want to do the five minutes that you know works yeah you know yeah so it takes so long to get yourself to where you're like i can do an hour you know because you don't get that up until you start going on the road with other people and like yeah and then you're doing like 20 minutes at a time and you're like maybe i can piece together two of these yeah stitch together an hour or something like that. It takes a while. Yeah. So how long did it take before you felt comfortable doing an hour? Who was taking you out on the road first?

I actually was featuring for Doug Stanhope here and there. Oh, wow. That's cool. He and I met through this showcase for Fox, and he was doing something with them. He had development. So I opened for him a couple of times and that was probably one of my most fun experiences because he's badass.

He just seems like the nicest guy too. And he's so amazing to watch on stage because he's certainly so off the cuff that sometimes you're just like, he just came up with this just now or he makes it seem that way. Whichever it is, it doesn't matter.

It's great to watch, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I mean like one of his specials was that beer hall push thing. It just kind of came together at the last minute. Yeah. Fuck it.

And then we'll put it on Netflix. Yeah. Yeah. He just doesn't give a fuck. It's so funny too. Yeah. Oh, absolutely.

So funny. Um, but no, so we've been doing, uh, we're at a new theater in, dc and it's been uh there's been no alcohol no alcohol no water no yeah we're the only ones they brought us water we're the only ones to have water it's interesting yeah but they run such a great club in arlington that i know

they'll yeah it's just like the trials and tribulations of opening up a new club yeah but i mean i'm sure and by the way i was like saying to some of the audience, I was like, nobody wants their liquor license more than they do. Oh, of course. Yeah, do you think that they're like, oh, we should do that, shouldn't we? Just keep slipping our mind.

Yeah. No, it seems like a nightmare. Like, I've just heard that they have to do like 19 different things, like one board or whoever it is. It's like, you need to do X, Y, and Z. Yeah. They need to have garbage disposal or something.

And they're like, why? We don't even have food. Like, what would it be for? Like ice or water? Like, yeah, for water. Like, what? Just because it's a weird stipulation, like across the board,

if you're serving drinks, I guess, you need to have a disposal. That's bizarre. So like, if you don't have that. A sink doesn't count. Yeah, right? So they're just like, no if you don't have that doesn't count yeah right so they're just like no you can't can't uh can't serve anything yeah remind me never to open a restaurant no it seems

like it seems like a nightmare yeah but uh how many weeks uh out of the year are you on the road i feel like probably a good 30 uh-huh yeah that's a good amount 32 yeah and then yeah i didn't know i met your fiance yesterday but i didn't know that he was a football player. Yeah. Looks like it. He looks like a Seahawks. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like, looks like an athlete. Yeah. Big fella. He's a big fella. Really nice guy, though. But what is that like if he's basically sort of on the road as well, like most of the time? We go, it's like this time of year is nice because he can just come with me yeah which i thought what i would hate because i've always traveled alone for obviously um but when he came with me last year it was the first time for my

book tour uh-huh and i was gone every weekend for five months i think um and he was on the road with me for three of those months and uh and it was fun I was like, oh, this is kind of cool. You get to do other stuff than you do by yourself. Right. It's like a little mini vacation. Yeah. You kind of make it feel like, I mean, unless you're in like, you know, Syracuse. You're like, this isn't a vacation.

But it's fine. You want to check out Albany? Yeah. But it's kind of nice because then you're with someone else who is like also with you in buffalo or wherever you are yeah like i'm bringing up new york just shitting all over new york yeah no some reason um great club by the way buffalo and syracuse but when you're there and you're alone and it's cold it's like yeah this is what i'm gonna do all day is just probably hide but now it's like you go out like we went through a hockey game when i was in buffalo and you know made the most of being around.

So it's cool. And then when the season starts, I go to Seattle a good amount most of the time. So we kind of figure it out. It's a very similar world in a weird way. Yeah, I was going to say, it's actually really cool. I've never thought about it, but he must understand and vice versa about like, okay, I'm going to be gone a while and just you know not gonna be weird like yeah and i think that was a hard for me before to date anyone they wouldn't they've never understood or they thought you would you were like didn't like them because you weren't at home and i'm like i'm working right yeah if they had like a nine to five

they're like what are we doing this weekend you're like i work on weekends yeah so it's kind of uh they kind of mirror each other in that way yeah so that's cool and it's we i don't talk about it much on stage and they said that one thing tonight but um yeah because it does i feel like it throws people off a little bit when i'm in seattle i talk about it more because people know him and know me and know like you know they come in knowing that already but i think at first it takes everyone a minute to process like wait sitting a player who's in the nfl what who does who then they start to go who is it yeah they're going through like a roster or something

I don't know so sometimes it's not as I haven't worked it into my material enough yet yeah I figured out how to what to not make it like weird just be like no no I'm telling the truth I swear to God yeah yeah I feel like they think it's a story my fiance is a football player like yeah okay

okay sure girl keep dreaming yeah is he is he out seeing sites Yeah, I feel like they think it's a story. My fiance's a football player. Like, mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay, sure. Okay, sure, girl. Keep dreaming. Yeah. Is he out seeing sights by himself now? No, he went to dinner with a couple of my friends from college that are here. Oh, nice. So they took him out to dinner. That's sweet. Yeah.

All right, see, that's little vacation stuff. Yeah, and I made him go because I was like, you don't need to see this shit again. Yeah, you've already seen it. You've seen it. You're going to see the see this shit again. Just go. You've already seen it. You've seen it. You're going to see the 9 o'clock. Just go with them to dinner. Let them take you to a nice restaurant in D.C. Enjoy it.

Right, right. Go have fun. Yeah, meanwhile, the weather is fucking terrible. It sucks here right now. I know. It's such a bummer. It's so windy here. Yeah, it's literally spring and it feels like winter.

And I love, I mean, in L's you know it's 90 all the time right not all the time but it is certainly the best place for weather so beautiful more often than not yeah for sure so leaving that is always a little painful but then i don't mind it because i get to see i'm like oh it's oh it's windy and chilly that's fun i'll wear boots like it's like mixing it up for you like oh look at this novelty and then three days later i'm like get me the fuck out of here i'm freezing um so yeah so the show shows have been good it's it's been uh it's been awesome working with you it's been a lot of fun and uh yeah i was i was a little nervous and like it's just a two-person show new club and i was like okay all right it should be

good because i'm normally doing the the hosting thing. Yeah. But it's fun transitioning. And doing more material, right? And doing longer sets and stuff. Yeah. Are you liking it? Yeah, yeah. And thank you for being so cool about material and stuff too. Oh, yeah.

Do whatever you want. So it's been awesome. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Was that, so going out on the road with Doug and doing longer sets, was that the first time you felt like, oh, I could totally do this and like want to keep doing it? Yeah. Yeah and i always wanted to i just couldn't there it's just it's certainly finding the way and like and like you said transitioning into doing longer yeah you know and um and there

were times i was you know out with i found other people to get me out and and go out on the road with them and do 20 minutes here and there but But it certainly was nice to finally get to the point where you felt confident to do it on your own. That's great. Yeah. What was the first kind of like big break for you where you were like, this is nuts? Probably Chelsea Lately, probably working on that show

because what she did, which was really cool, was she was like one of the first shows to just have three comics a night, you know? So it really highlighted comedians. So she did a was really cool was she was like one of the first shows to just have three comics a night you know so it really highlighted comedians so she did a lot for stand-ups yeah and it's good way to like because you kind of do material because it's kind of prepared but at the same time you're not burning material either yeah it's all topical it's all and and we you could prepare something but then you didn't know what anyone else had so about 80 of the time you're off the cuff like you had to abandon whatever you had written and everyone's because it's all the

conversation's going one way yeah just be like well what i thought yeah and if you ever tried to do that it was super obvious i learned really quickly not to um so that was probably one because she is like she had it was such great fans of that show and And like I said, she really did bring a lot of attention to comedy because so many comedians got worn on from being on that show and being regular. So I think that was probably the one that... Nice, nice. And then so from there, was it like, I'm going to write books and try to... Yeah, when I was on that show, and then I was on it for a while,

and then I became a writer as well. So then I was doing both. And that was my first full-time writing job, which was awesome. Yeah. And then I. That had to be nuts. It was awesome. Oh, like I'm legit now.

Like I'm officially getting paid for comedy. Yeah. When I quit my bartending job to do that. Yeah. I even said to him, I think I'll just keep my gigs on the weekend. And he was like. Do you mind if I do like lunch rush? He was like, no, you have.

You're done. Like, go with god like get out of here i feel like i would do the same thing too like is it cool i'm just part-time is that yeah i'm just like some walking around money he was just like you're gonna have a nine to five writing job like you don't want to work here on the weekends this is what happens you get to stop yeah you did it go yeah but i didn't at the time i was like no no you just keep keep your side gig is what i always thought um yeah but so it was cool and uh and it was definitely the first time that i was like oh i get to just do this full time and that's great yeah so i'm guessing you kind of grew up not rich

because i feel like that's the thing that like i would do too like okay this could end any minute i should probably keep the bartending yeah i'm always thinking like if i need to go back to bartending i've got it like it's always in the back of my head just yeah like i could do that anywhere yeah i could do that yeah i'm certainly um yeah didn't grow up with a lot of money and just think like okay what's what's the way to make sure i always have something yeah i do the same thing like even with comedy like getting paid you know just for gigs like this i'm like that's just extra money that's great it's pretty nice but do it i mean doing comedy of course is is the best but it's also like and i get paid not bad yeah and maybe a nice dasani or aquafina water maybe hey i mean maybe maybe maybe when you'll maybe one day here you'll get like a vodka

cranberry well i don't know i i can dream big i guess i can try so uh so what's kind of like what are you working on now is it just kind of focusing on stand-up or working on another yeah um with my book now my second book that's out um i'm working on developing that into a show oh cool i did that with my first book and we sold it i I sold it to NBC with, um, happy Madison's company, Adam Sandler's company. Um, two years in a row, actually it didn't get on the air obviously,

but it, you know, it's a, it's quite a process to even get that far. So it's just, my hope is okay when we sell this one, it'll end up on the air and keep going. But yeah,

I did, uh, at the other draft house, I did shows with, uh, fortune Feimster. Yeah. And, she was, yeah, cause yeah, she was on chelsea lately too and uh

she she was so cool so nice but she was kind of going through the same thing of like yeah we have this show and tina fey was like the executive producer yeah she got on it and they um they made the pilot and then it didn't get picked up yeah and i'm like fine i mean if you have tina fey in your corner and then like chelsea lately and like she's so funny on her own and they're like no we'll pass i'm like well what was better than that i know it's crazy what um networks will yeah go with and not go with and um i actually think with my the first time i sold it all very without ego say i don't think it was very good like i don't think it was written very well it was my first one to do and i think it was good it was just a little bit all over the map like i didn't quite get how to do it yet yeah the second time i sold it which doesn't

even happen to sell it twice um it was really good and really solid and i and i knew what i was doing and i worked also with another good writer so i was that one, I had more hope that it would go. Right, so it's kind of like you did the open mics before. You're like, I refined the material a little bit. Yeah, it was kind of like we came up with a new angle, and I felt like, you know, I mean, I didn't quite know I had. It's very overwhelming when you have a network telling you one thing and a producer telling you another,

and you have all these people that are telling you, and they're all telling you three different things. know so um i learned by the second one i was like well you do what the network says because they're the ones they're the ones that are gonna put it on tv that's yeah that makes sense that was a lesson that i learned for sure yeah i have um some friends that kind of started out in the dc scene that are out in la and they talk about like that next process where you have to like pitch and brand yourself and all that stuff. And he's like, dude, I did a pitch meeting and was like an hour.

And I was like, is that normal? He's like, no, dude, it should be like a few minutes. Cause like, he was like, I didn't really have the show figured out. And they were asking me questions. They're like, well, maybe the brother could be gay or something like that. Or like throwing it out. And he's like, yeah, totally. He could he could be gay okay so this guy doesn't know what the show is how the fuck is anybody else gonna know what it is so it seems like that's like

another layer on top of like just being a funny comedian then it's like but then you have to sell yourself to the network and like put yourself in that position for them to understand yeah and when you have an idea for a show you certainly like the girl i'm working with now she was a big writer on entourage and she really knows what she's doing and um and those people really kind of help you understand when you work with them like you gotta have every and i've learned it now too since this will be my fourth year pitching something it's like you've got to have all your ducks in a row yeah like they throw a question at you you need to answer it it's actually when they don't have a question that's when you're pitching something it's like you've got to have all your ducks in a row yeah and like they throw a question at you you need to answer it it's actually when they don't have a question that's when you're like oh i really all right i did this or they just didn't care but it could go either way it's either the best or the worst yeah or they just fell asleep and we're like no

we don't give a shit about this project god that seems terrifying yeah um well good luck that's crazy yeah um so um we'll wrap it up because i know you want to chill for a little bit before the next show um all right what's like best best moment of stand-up so far and maybe like worst like one night where it was just like this is not i'd say best moment was um probably the first time i sold out like the for my first books tour and i sold out and it was in new york and i was like i sold out in new york like it was a really good feeling selling your book and stuff yeah yeah crushing it i think that was just the best feeling overall because i was like okay i'm not doing this in vain like people are coming they're listening you know um yeah worse was certainly way before i had line but it was like when I first started doing standup and I was at the improv in

Hollywood and I was supposed to do the showcase for the Montreal comedy festival, which I've since been to. Nice. Yeah. But it's a huge festival. Mostly like it's all the best comedians then, but it's a ton of industry too,

where it's like you want to show off and you know, there's a lot of like managers and people from networks. Yeah. And this was probably 10, 11 years ago when it was even a bigger deal. I think now it's like you want to show off and there's a lot of managers and people from networks. And this was probably 10, 11 years ago when it was even a bigger deal. I think now it's sort of, I mean, it's still, I think it's more of a place

for people to go party. Right. But yeah, but back in the day, like I heard stories, it's like people like- I was like, you can leave with a development deal. Yeah, and like hundreds

of thousands of dollars and just for like, just a holding deal. Just like, we just want Sarah. She doesn't have to do anything, but as long as she's doing it with us and no one else will give her hundreds of thousands of dollars so this way before chelsea lay for any of that but i was showcasing for that and um drew carrie was still doing his like weekly show at the improv so they put me on like right before him and the whole

entire audience was certainly there to see drew carrie and then i come sauntering up with my five minutes of material that apparently i was supposed to do 10 but they didn't tell me oh they're like coming to the stage not drew care not drew carrie this girl you've never heard of so i went up i did my five minutes nobody was laughing i had been doing it for a while this five minutes and i didn't understand i couldn't deal with the fact that nobody was laughing now we didn't know how to handle it but i didn't know yeah no it's terrifying like this goes this goes well normally yeah i was so green so i just panicked i wrapped it up pretty quickly and i got off stage without even letting the mc like come up after me i just i didn't get the

light as left stage right with like so the mc was at the bar i still don't know who it was i wish i could find him and hug him and be like i'm so sorry right so sorry that like you just went to the bar and i fucking left the stage and you had no you know yeah uh so then i just left the stage empty and the audience was just like what happened and my agent was looking for me and i was hiding the bathroom crying oh that's awful oh my god yeah that's so sad it's over now it's over now i mean you're fucking you're doing great yeah i mean, to go from that to like New York and being like selling out shows in New York and being a New York Best Times seller.

Yeah, yeah. Certainly much better with it now. Sorry, podcasting. What's up, Christina? Hey, girl. Nothing, just chilling, drinking some water. Where do those bathroom passes work, by the way? These are in the back room so we

have like an exercise room and a private bathroom oh how do you get there yeah we don't know how to get there yeah we can wrap we can wrap yeah we're just doing a quick podcast but sarah thanks for taking time out thank you we're gonna go check out some bathrooms so follow sarah on twitter at sarah colonna. And thanks, Sarah. Oh, Nelly. Mike Moran. Yes. It's just us today, again.

It is. And Nelly. What up, Nelly? He's got the Band-Aidaid and everything he hasn't changed one bit no just me and my good buddy Mike Moran here sipping some coffee catching up like bros sorry we were late

on this week's podcast but I was in New York and got back a little late and we just didn't have time to record what can you do it's free people a little distance, and we just didn't have time to record. What can you do? What can you do? It's free, people. Yeah.

Cut us some slack. Exactly. And a little distance makes the heart grow fonder. Exactly. You know what I mean? Now you're craving it. Yeah. Our hearts, that is.

So, yeah, let's plug some stuff. I think I'm going to release this tomorrow, Saturday. We're recording this on Friday. But if you're listening on Saturday, I will be at the new Drafthouse Comedy Theater in D.C. tonight at 7 and 9 o'clock, opening for Sarah Colonna. Then the rest of the week on the 12th of the Tuesday, April 12th, I'll be at UMBC at the, what is that called? Flat Tuesdays, doing standup there. Then the rest of the week I'll be doing the 202 Festival in D.C. which is pretty exciting. The first annual

202 Festival. On the 13th at 7 o'clock I will be at Cafe Impala in D.C. doing stand-up for Russ Green's Laughter Hours. On the 14th I will be at the White Room in D.C. doing the Mashup Show. Very excited for that. On the 15th I will be at the white room in dc doing the mashup show very excited for that

and on the 15th i will be doing mike quinlan's room here in baltimore in canton and i forget the name of what is it the canton on on the square or something uh no what is it i can't remember but it's definitely not that okay all right well check the uh check digression sessions dot com slash calendar. That has all of our dates listed there for live stand-up and improv performances. But I'll be doing that. And then big stuff to plug.

At the end of the month, I'll be featuring for Kurt Brauneler on the 24th of April at the Creative Alliance in Baltimore. And then the 28th through the 30th, I will be with Ralphie May at Magoobies in Baltimore. So check that stuff out. Follow me on Twitter at Josh Kaderna and on Instagram at Josh Kaderna as well.

Michael, stuff to plug? We really got to change the way we do these plugs. I will be at the Miller Hotel. No, I'm sorry. The Red Lion Hotel at 8 on the 16th of April. I'm sorry. I'm at the Budweiser Hotel. Z at 8 on the 16th of April. I'm sorry, I meant the Budweiser Hotel. Zizimo's on the 21st at 9.

And then I will be doing Raleigh's Oyster House on the 28th at 8. Fuck yeah. And you're on Twitter. I am. All right, let's move on. What are you on Twitter? Mike Moran Wood, W-O-Uu-l-d follow that son of a bitch always always funny um and uh the podcast is at dig sesh pod so hit us up on there we had uh

somebody reach out recently about doing a show in june in baltimore which is pretty cool and uh it's always nice to hear from people that like that like the show or even listen to the show and i'm still i mean i know that we get downloads but every time somebody's like oh i listen to the show i'm like no you didn't come on so it's always drill them on points yeah what do we say at the 27 minute mark then huh you think you're a big fucking fan poser um but yeah no i love uh love hearing from people and uh we're on facebook the the page has a facebook wait the page has a facebook we have a page on facebook people and uh we're on facebook the the page has a facebook wait the page has a facebook we have a page on facebook yes and uh we got some sausage has its own facebook it's gotten so big yeah it has its own social networking yeah within a social networking site it's really great

but uh we have some new pictures up there that uh the great travis marshall took of us very sexy for sure indeed thank you travis yeah you, Travis. Yeah, very talented guy. Awesome photos. Alright, Mike. What is going on? What's up with you? Well, I got into a little accident, as they call it. A little poop?

A little poop poop. Is that what they call accidents now? Yeah, you call your insurance company and they're like, uh-oh. That's the legal term? No, that's a poop poop. My client was indeed an illegal poop poop. That's going to increase your deductible. Yeah, what happened?

Well, I was parked behind two cars on the street waiting for a friend. I was not on the Uber clock, technically. I was off the Uber clock. Off the clock. This is in Baltimore, right? I'm wrapping up for a friend. I was not on the Uber clock, technically. Right. I was off the Uber clock. Off the clock. This is in Baltimore, right? I'm wrapping up for the night. I'm thinking, all right, job well done, Mike. You reached your quota.

You hit all the marks that you meant to hit tonight. You're ready to wrap it on up. And now it's time to just chill. Exactly. And then bang! Right in the kisser. The old fork in the eye so were you in your you're in your car waiting on the street and somebody just rams into you did you have a moment like i've been in two car accidents maybe just one like one like legit where it did kind of feel

like time slowed down a little bit when you made up for insurance reasons yeah exactly the one that put me in this beautiful house i'm in today uh no uh you know like where it's just like oh fuck there's nothing we can do we're about to hit this person did you see that in your rear view no i didn't see anything wow yeah it's just like damn it's like all right well this is happening now just what a somber reaction you just get hit oh immediately my second thought is like well i guess i don't have to work for a while not bad that's not too bad not bad all right now let me get out of the car and pretend that i'm angry what the fuck i'm not gonna be able to work for a week uh was this person drunk what happened um he probably had had some beers but he didn't appear to be completely intoxicated uh-huh he was as far as i could tell a good guy

although it did appear that he was trying to leave at first yeah i don't know how true that is i mean maybe he was just like backing up but like people definitely yelled at him oh hey hey hey and uh like he was a bad dog no no yeah they rubbed his face in my bumper yeah hit his car with a newspaper no um but he did like he came up to me and he's like you're right man and i was like uh i think so and he was he like apologized but then he was like do you think we should exchange insurance information? Yeah. I was like, dude, you just, like, this wasn't a, you fucking, like, crunched me into the car in front of me, destroyed that car, and hit the car in front of that.

Damn. It wasn't like he, like, scratched my bumper. I thought it was just your car. No. So there was a domino effect. Yeah. Holy shit. There's four cars involved

jesus christ he's like should we exchange information like what did he just give me 20 bucks it's cool dude let's not get paperwork involved like all that i'm chill man this is fine my car is like a freaking tuna cam so were you just like the tuna yes yeah i mean were you just like yeah yeah we should yeah my car is visibly fucked i think i probably probably was a comedic moment if it were called on tape yeah i just like paused and stared at him and i was like yeah what the fuck are you talking like what else are we gonna do so just drive home yeah? Yeah, it's like, well, come on, man. All of our cars are destroyed. Like, ah, shit happens. You just drive away.

Your car's making sparks. Just dragging fire coming out of the side. Don't worry. Man, my car was catching fire before you hit me. Don't worry about it, man. So what's going on with insurance? Is this guy's insurance taking care of you? They should be.

I mean, if everything's going the way it has. I haven't talked to my guy in a couple days. Are they going to pay to get it repaired? Well, it's at the shop now, and they're going to see if it's repairable. I don't think it is. See, that's cool, though, because when I got in an accident, I thought my car was okay, but I was actually going to Paper Moon one morning, i uh i was coming off of uh i-83 north and i was taking an exit and the exit kind of goes like the off-ramp goes like up and then

down sort of like kind of like roller coastery and uh i had to work at six in the morning so i think it was probably like 5 45 or something like that or actually it's probably like 5 30 because we had to get there 15 minutes early remember that and uh so uh as i was going up i didn't realize there was ice on the off ramp so like as i was going around the curve and then going down like my car just like slammed like bumper car style like side to side and i was like holy shit especially because this off ramp is like i don't know 150 feet in the air right and uh so then i like stopped and i was like whoa that was close and then as i'm going down the off ramp i was like okay i just got to go a little slow my car's probably fucked up but it's a 99 ford taurus it'll be fine you know i i don't really care

they made them the last back yeah exactly and i mean the chicks still know it's a 99 ford taurus it's all the branding yeah exactly they i'm still gonna get mad pussy for sure absolutely and uh so i just go to take it slow going down this ramp and uh and then uh i see that there's a guy who spun out like below like at the end of the ramp and i was like and he's on the side like right in front of me and he's outside of his car like trying to assess his damage and then i was like well i should probably stop and then i go to hit the brake and i just keep sliding and i was like fucking like almost hit this guy too like hit him like the person and luckily he got out of the way and then i hit the car and so i got out and i was like holy shit i'm so sorry holy shit and then out of nowhere where this ramp is so

there's a part where it comes off from 83 and then there's another side street where the two exits converge. And a kid in a Jeep was going fast as shit and just spun out and slammed into my car. We both had to get out of the way, came out of nowhere, and slammed my car into the guardrail. And I thought my car was going to be fine. I thought it just got like slammed against the side but the guard rails at the bottom they have like they jut out a little bit so it just broke my axle on the car and uh and i was hoping i could get it fixed and then of course they're like no we're this thing's foobar we're just gonna have to cut you a check but then i actually made money on the accident yeah that's right here yeah because they pay you probably a little bit more than it's worth i think but uh yeah no that that was scary

as shit that morning too especially because the kid that uh hit my car he got out and he left the scene like really walked down to the gas station and uh maryland transit authority that was there this one cop i guess he's a cop i don't know what transit authority is technically yeah um but he's standing he's like so where's the where's the guy that hit you i was like i don't know i don't know so we're waiting around and it's like this young kid and he's holding a hot chocolate with like two hands like i was like you can't leave the scene of an accident what are you thinking he's like don't yell at me stop he was like from a dickens novel yeah yeah tiny two or something basically yeah like he was acting like the cop is out of line he's like god it's cold i just wanted a hot chocolate did he sing a song

jaunty little tune but uh i hope uh well if your car is fucked i hope you get a nice check man thank you yeah i i was thinking too like since since I've put a million miles on my car already, they probably wouldn't take that into account. I don't think so. I think it's probably more so the condition it was in beforehand. I don't know. Probably like year. They probably have all kinds of stats that they add up as far as what it's worth and

stuff. When are you going to find out? What are they going to do? I don't know. Whenever they call me all right okay and then in the meantime i mean that is your livelihood as an uber driver are you allowed to uber in a rental uh not with any of the cars that the insurance can hook me up with oh damn they told me if i can find one yeah go to town damn so what are the stipulations like are all the rentals too old no it's just like enterprise doesn't do that okay they don't do ride share and i could probably just not say anything now that i think about it and just do it

yeah well i mean but on the uber like your information like if i were to get an Uber, it would say you're still in your Versa, though, right? No, I would tell Uber that I have a different car, but I don't know if they would, like, go, like, bitches to Enterprise and tell on me. Come on, Uber, don't be a bitch. Stop snitching. Yeah, you know what happens is snitches, they get stitches. Come on. That's right. Well, fuck, man, good luck with stitches. Come on. That's right. Well, fuck, man.

Good luck with that. Thank you. That's horrible. Yeah, it sucks. I would loan you my car, but it's too old now. That's all right. 2005. Yeah.

I like not working anyway, too. Yeah. No, that would be cool if you get a check, and then that could compensate for that, the not working um so it's been a it's been an interesting week for uh dc comedy oh yeah which has been uh crazy because uh wednesday night kevin hart was yeah yeah and uh he filmed a show at a big hunt place we perform at and uh restaurant bar in in dc but they always have great open mics and shows there but uh kevin hart is doing some like i don't know some new show for comedy central where they find

comedians all over the country and like he goes to these smaller venues and hosts the show so like comedians that we know were right kevin hart on wednesday which is nuts um and uh that night i was hosting a show in arlington at this place ragtime that i host at every other week and um and i was like i was like not jealous i mean maybe a little bit jealous of the the whole kevin hart thing but more just like excited for those guys like that's cool you know and uh and i was like oh but you know i'll do the show at ragtime and it'll it'll be fine and it was like a packed crowd i was very excited and uh the i was like oh but you know we'll do the show at rag time and it'll it'll be fine and it was like a packed crowd i was very excited and uh the way the show works is we normally have two comedians that do like longer sets like 20 to 30 minutes and then some guys do like smaller spots

like five seven minutes and um a guy that was supposed to be on the show i don't want to say his name because i'm about to trash him a ton but uh he he is a little bit of a not not like a household name but he's like pretty big like he was on last comic standing he's gonna be i think he's gonna have a special on comedy central soon and uh he is he goes on the road with the bigger comic monster brony i don't know if you know him but he brings him on the road as his feature and this guy was like just at um uh the kennedy center performing for like 2400 people and whatever so he's like a legit comic sure and uh he was supposed to close out this show on wednesday at ragtime that i was hosting and my friend ramin uh books the show and runs the show and as the producer and so he called me at 7 15 and he's like hey this guy uh let's just call him johnny johnny johnny x johnny

johnny johnny ha ha lol uh who was supposed to do the show he's like hey he just called me he's actually at the white house for some Iranian New Year event. Of course. Of course, right? Who is that? Right. Because Obama's a Muslim. And the guy, Johnny, he wanted to cancel.

And he was like, hey, I'm really having a good time here. And I got invited to an after party. Is it okay if I cancel on the show? There's nothing like an Iranian after party. Because an Iranian after party don't stop. Exactly. And until Shia law. Sharia law.

Sharia law decides it. Yeah. That's the most bummer rapper. Iranian New Year party don't stop. Unless it's Sharia law, and then that will put an end to it. So he was like, do you mind if I don't stop unless it's sharia law and then that will put it into it um so he was like do you mind if i don't do the show and ramin said uh yeah you're kind of fucking me here it's gonna be tough to book somebody in the next 45 minutes because the show starts at eight and he was like all right well what if i go and then i just go up first and then do you mind bringing me back here

when i'm done as long as i'm here by nine and And so Ramin's like, all right, man, fuck it. So this kind of messes his schedule up because he was supposed to do another. Ramin's supposed to do a show. So now he's losing money. And he's got to drive all around and get this guy. So he picks him up. And Ramin texts me at like 745. They're about to be there.

He's like, oh, good. This guy's drunk. And I was like, oh, fuck. And then he goes. But even crazier, Nassim pedrad is with him who from snl right and uh she's on john mulaney's show she's gonna have her own show soon too where she plays a boy she really yeah she plays like a 15 year old boy uh awesome but yeah she's total babe super funny so i was so excited she was coming i was like wow it's so fucking cool uh so this guy shows up and uh you

can tell he's a little drunk and uh and i'm so i'm gonna go up do a few minutes bring this guy up and he's gonna do like 20 minutes um so you know you you always ask people what credits they want when you're bringing them up like anything you want to mention on purpose because sometimes people want to talk about they're like oh the host mentioned this and they go into it or whatever tee him up for a bit something like that so it's like hey what do you want me to say like last comic standing comedy central he goes don't say anything man just don't say anything it's like okay i literally can't do that like you can't just be like and this next guy you know what i mean like uh it's it he's like no just don't say anything and it's like okay great meanwhile he

has another drink in his hand like as soon as he got there he got a drink and i was like probably not a good idea so i go up do fine room the room is hot like the energy's great it's packed and i was like this guy's gonna fucking murder so i bring him up and uh and he's just like he forgets my last name immediately which is fine like i didn't expect him to know but he's like, he forgets my last name immediately, which is fine. Like I didn't expect him to know, but he's like, I forgot your last name just now. Well, it's a ha ha LOL. But so this guy goes up and he's like, yeah, give it up for Josh. Okay. That's fine.

I don't know. Yeah. I literally just met him. So I'm like, whatever. I don't care. And he's looking around the room. And he goes, I'm too good for this. Like, basically, I forget exactly what he said.

But something kind of like that. He's like, I'm dressed, like, way too nice for this. Because he was dressed for his event at the White House. And it gets a little bit of a chuckle. You know, like, sometimes the, like, you know, charming comedian can be can be like kind of shitting on the room but in a fun way right but everybody's kind of like this doesn't seem fun and uh he made fun of somebody else and then he um did something like he started to tell a joke he's like yeah i just got back from the middle east and like they're way behind way behind you know they're still doing the

ice bucket challenge and i like gotta laugh because it's like okay now he's gonna tell a joke and then he just bails on that like there's way more to it and he's like i don't fucking care whatever and then to the front table he makes fun of he's like you know how dumb you sound you're like oh can i get a budweiser you know dumb you sound just from that yeah so it's not even like good crowd work. It's just like, you're dumb. So basically he's like the drunken frat boy who thinks he's going to kill at his first open mic.

Kind of, but also just didn't care at the same time either. It was just like... Yeah, but every now and then you'll get that. You'll get the guy who's like, I'm going to do this shit. I can be mean to people. Kind of, but he didn't even care that he was being funny you know i mean like the frat guy's like i'm gonna do great right and this guy was just like who gives a fuck i'm already i'm here that's that's your gift yeah basically and uh it was like he was it was just a mess so i was like as soon as he got on stage he was supposed to do 20 and

i was like all right i think i'm gonna give him the light at 12 and that means like you show him your cell phone from the back it means like wrap it the fuck up you know and uh um at like three minutes and i was like you should probably give him the light and yeah rami's like yeah give him the light so i think i think i like i think he was kind of pulling out of it that's when he like told his first joke he's like all right and then i think it like five minutes i gave him the light and then he proceeded to walk off the stage leave the microphone on stage he has no microphone and like starts addressing the crowd just like you know i mean whatever it was just like jesus nobody gets on tape i don't think so so then he starts eating wings

off of the plate of a guy at the front table and he's just standing there no microphone like wing sauce on his face and his hands a wing in his hand and he's like you know i mean whatever and then i was like all right we gotta wrap this up so i just start clapping and i'm like okay i'm here okay everybody he's at six minutes and then he figured he'd be like all right whatever he waves me off he's like no no no i got this i got this like okay do your big wing closer i don't know what the fuck you're doing you you got this okay i like still eating wings so then this goes on for another 30 seconds and ramin's like dude just take him down it's like okay all right here he is give it up for this fella and uh then he's like like put his hand

up so whatever and meanwhile he showed up with nasim and uh she i thought they were like together but i don't think they were but she was so embarrassed by him and uh holy fuck so then then uh they leave and god it was such a gift as the host of the show just to trash this guy because like the whole room is against him it's like right we all went through this been like written for you yeah yeah we have this like we there was like a traumatic event that we all experienced and bonded over it like we have this like, there was like a traumatic event that we all experienced and bonded over it. Like we have this common enemy now, you know. And it was great. God, it was good.

I just made fun of him so much. I was like, just, you know, dumb shit. I was like, okay. Because I mentioned he'll be on Comedy Central next month. I was like, okay, look forward to, you can see that again on Comedy Central. I'm sure he'll be eating wings again on TV. That's his act. And just, it's like, the next comedian you're going're gonna really love mostly because they're not the last guy and uh we just oh man we just fucked with that guy all night but uh did he say anything

like did he like no dude as he was leaving so ramin has to take him back to wherever he was uh like there was some party at a hotel or something he had to take him to uh so ramin and then he comes back because ramin wants to do a set he's like i got to talk about this too um so he texts me he's like dude on the way out he was like that wasn't that bad right and they're both like no it was really bad and he's like man i'd rather do that than do jokes i've told like a million times you should have done your jokes like you didn't do well it's not like he was off the cuff and you're like that was fucking great it's like dude you just shit on everybody and then you literally ate somebody's food like who gives a fuck um so then on the ride back uh they uh this guy didn't even sit up front with Ramin.

He sat in the back with Nassim to hit on her. And six times she was like, I'm not going to make out with you. I don't want to. So it's just a total shit show. Total shit show. I've never seen anything like that in comedy. Let alone if just some random open mic-er did that, you'd be like, this is a fucking mess. Let alone a guy that has like credits and is doing well i've seen open mics that bad before

but really yeah i mean i've seen uh i remember i saw one where a guy like it was his birthday and everybody was like playing with him and he was you know kind of kind of drunk and heckling a little bit but it was fun you know and And then he was actually allowed to do a couple minutes. And so, you know, it's kind of this guy's night. Like he's being lighthearted and fun and silly. And he's not like overstepping his bounds. And by the end of the night, he's being taken out by security for trying to physically assault the performer.

Oh, my God. Yeah, solid night. And that man, Louis Cis ck that's right uh but having uh nassim pedra there was so cool like just the way uh like life goes you know what i mean just shit you don't know it's just gonna pop up right and uh i was always a fan of her on snl so yeah me too and uh so once i noticed uh i was gonna try not to be like a big fan boy but once i noticed that my time was going to be limited with her because this guy that she came with uh was bombing so hard i was like okay this is gonna end soon so i was like i was like hey i don't want

to sound like a weirdo but i'm big fan really excited you're here you're you're great or something like that and she was like oh my god you, you were so funny and gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek. Wow. It was amazing. Yeah. And, yeah, I just wish she could have hung out longer because I'd have been like, let's do a podcast. But they left like shortly after that. But she was really nice.

And I was like, good luck with your new show. She's like, thank you so much. Nice. So I think we're like dating now. nice and i was like good luck with your new show she's like thank you so much nice so uh i think we're like dating now yeah so did you get uh did you feel them uh them tatas up against you them knockers yeah no it was more it was a christian side hug no well it was like not like a full-on like embrace but it was like uh sure i mean we were in there, you know, and yeah, just a fucking great night. And then last night I did a mic that was just not good.

There was a table up front that were like, as soon as I got up there, there were maybe like eight people at this table and like maybe nine and like three or four of them are texting right out of the gate. And I'm like is this sucks when the when the room has like 15 people and then like a third or half are texting you're like all right so it's usually the other comedians that are doing that too i don't mind if there's comedians in the back i don't mind but if it's somebody like right two feet in front of me it's like what the fuck do you know that i see you right so i just had to address all these people and there's one guy who was sitting with his back to me and that drives me nuts too yeah

and and uh and so i was kind of like messing with him a little bit and uh his name was uday and uh something like that or and uh i was talking about jobs and stuff. And it's like, do you hate your job? Yeah. Steve Jobs. No, the guy from Punk'd. Guy from Punk'd? Oh, Ashton Kutcher? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

The other one with Michael Fassbender is actually pretty good. Is it really? Yeah, I enjoyed it. They're rebooting these series so quickly these days. Who's playing Steve Jobs now? Well, you know, they're folding him into the Marvel series. Is he part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He might be an Avenger.

It'll be pretty tight. Tony Stark doesn't like him. It would be cool if they made, like, a Bill Gates movie, and it was, like, in the same universe. Bill Gates is much darker. It's like the Batman versus Superman kind of thing. Always wait for the post-credits sequence, too. You should never wait for setting up next.

Yeah, I really want to see that. fury shows up and it's like you got to make an ipod for the avengers uh but this guy udo is so annoying he's like we're talking about jobs and it's like you don't like your job he goes love my job but i hate my life it's like cool all right and uh so i just had to deal with that the whole time and uh it's not too bad then you'd probably get a lot done yeah i think a lot of money if you hate everything except for your job i know right and wish i was like that yeah but it was just one of those nights like wednesday you're like man comedy's fucking great this is awesome and then you're at some fucking random place on thursday and so i can't really relate to that every night i'm in front of roaring crowds i know man i know i'm deep i'm just trying to just trying to communicate my life you know what i mean yeah no i'm trying to relate you know yeah

no i appreciate that you're reaching out and i appreciate that and uh i came home last night mike and there was a a box on my uh my doorstep and i was like oh well what's what's going on here i don't remember ordering anything this blue box looks jaunty and fun uh it was a free sample of baby formula now what how do you explain that what is the thinking behind that i i mean clearly they must know what they're doing they must have put in some market research on this like it has to have worked before but i couldn't imagine that leaving everyone randomly yeah without even knowing if they have kids or not yeah baby formula yeah would be a profitable endeavor ultimately no because here's the thing if a thing of random liquid showed up in a box on my doorstep even if it just said like

coca-cola right i would be hesitant to drink that sure or even open it yeah let alone let my child ingest it you know what i mean yeah i mean i've seen that bjorker stalker video and i'm hesitant to open any boxes yeah that's a really good point yeah right he's your child yeah that's uh yeah i mean it's um okay the skeptical part of me would say, you shouldn't, you know, terrorists aren't leaving acid at our doorsteps. Not a terrorist. I don't think it's terrorism. I mean, I'm sure the company is legit. To me.

From not Mike Murray. No, I think the company is legit, I'm sure. Maybe. You're saying something on your doorstep that's like sitting there god knows how long yeah in a box and then also it's like just drink it no just drink it

like you're asking questions no no just drink it drink it I'm good I don't need that let alone baby formula like some shit some random shit we put on your fucking doorstep feed that trust us feed that to the fruit of your loins and then what if that's the brand you go

with like oh how'd you hear about this oh there's a random box right on my porch one day stranger fed it to my child yeah well yeah what are the numbers on that like what yeah what percentage of people i mean do you think there's some way that they know that you're like in the baby making range i i don't know i i'm not tight enough with my neighbors to find out if they got it as well right but maybe it's something now where they can figure that stuff out from Facebook. I guess. I mean, I hope it wasn't that targeted. I mean, if it is, they need to fix their research. I'm just living alone.

I mean, what could possibly, like what percentage, if we left like a sample cassette tape of digression sessions on everyone's doorstep no one would listen to it what percentage of people would justify doing all those costs you know i mean like yeah exactly like yeah so you fucking give all this formula out maybe like i don't know 10 maybe uses it i wouldn't even say that. Let alone would buy it again. What's the percentage of people that number one have infants at the time? Right. Exactly. What percentage of people at any given time have an infant?

Yeah. Right. And then they're actually willing to give it to them and the baby's so into it that they become a committed customer. Would they really cover all the costs of all the other samples you know no it doesn't it makes zero sense to me it's fucking terrifying at the

same time too it's like also who are these people that don't have formula for their baby and they're like oh i don't know what i'm gonna do oh my god free sample! I don't think that would be the determining factor. My baby's not going to die. I don't think that would be the determining factor. Thank god! People who, their baby would be starving to death otherwise. I mean, that's how you get them. You gotta build a market. They're doing really well in Sudan, I think.

But what I'm saying is if you have a baby, theoretically, you should already have some formula. Well, I don't think that's what they're counting on, people not having the formula. I understand that, but what I'm saying is you already have it. There's no need to give you a free sample of random shit. Right, but they just want you to try it.

Yeah, but why would you do that? It's free. We're sitting here sipping coffee. Yeah, if we had free coffee we totally drink it uh just in a random box absolutely i don't think so i would i would not i would just some brand you never heard of uh yeah yeah i wouldn't be so like yeah i totally would i'd give it a try fuck yeah all right i mean what are the odds that it's somebody poisoning me? I don't think it's poison.

I just think it's weird. I just don't like the whole conceit of the strategy. Well, I think that's being a little too paranoid. All right. I think people are too paranoid with their nutrition in general. You drink the formula then. All right. Will you drink it right now?

I'll drink it. You'll drink it right now? Absolutely. All right. Through the magic of the podcast. well looks like we were wrong upon further inspection this is addressed to april gilman but it's my address right uh i i don't know in april that lives here because my house or ever did because my landlord's names are

Chuck and Tanya. Well, it's probably a neighbor. They probably just put the wrong address on it. Maybe. I mean, 2134. That's me. Anyway, those are your measurements, Joe. Thank you. I'm very skinny. Wide, wide hips.

I don't have much of a chest. You still going to ingest some of this? No, we shouldn't steal her formula. Who's it going to go to? I don't know in April. You sure it's neither one of your neighbors? Yes. Yes.

I haven't seen a baby on this block. Oh, God. Come on. Is there another... Let's try to find her on Facebook. And what? And be like, we got your fucking... It's a present from somebody.

You want to talk about... No, it's not a present. It's a strong... Let me see. No, it's from the Similac company. It's from Free Similac. Number one. It's a reward.

She got a strong mom's reward. You want to steal from a strong mom. How are we going to give it to her? Do you know how many April Gilmans are on Facebook? You think it's creepy just for a company to send it to? Can you imagine getting a Facebook message from some dude you don't know that says, I got your baby rewards.

Can I meet you somewhere? And watch you drink it? Yeah. Like all the way from Shawnee, Michigan, Kansas. Sounds like a Christian Indian reservation of some kind.

Through the power of Jesus. You should drink some still. Alright. Mike is taking off the packaging. Yeah, you should drink some still. All right. Okay. All right. Mike is taking off the packaging. G-packaging right now. Yeah.

We should do a video, like an unboxing video. Those are popular for some reason. Did you know that? Like people buy shit and they're like, okay, I'm unboxing it. Yeah. My little nephews really like watching TV. All right. People unboxing crap. Into the microphone, 28 years old. All right. People unboxing crap.

Into the microphone, Michael. So, all right. We all parent differently, but the joy of parenthood is something we all share. Right. Sure. Even people that don't have kids. Right. Because you're about to partake.

Well, we're sharing this. All right. Now, do we need to read all the instructions first? Step one. You're a man. Just snort. We're going to have to mix this. Do me a favor and just snort a line out, will you? There's powder.

Mike, rub it on your gums like it's cocaine. First you get the baby formula, then you get the money. Why do they always put it back here? I thought they always put it on the front. How's that formula?

What are you tasting? Just as I suspected. Delicious. What are you tasting? Mother's powder. That's terrifying. It just tastes like Ensure or something like that. Okay.

I kind of like it. Oh, all right. I actually don't have my soylent with me so this might be a good alternative i bet it is healthy well yeah i hope so i hope it's not unhealthy uh well yeah all right i ran out of space but i just shot a video we'll put that we'll put that up on the facebook site uh on the facebook page wow sim, Similac Sensitive. Non-GMO. Ingredients non-genetically engineered. Oh, this is for fussiness and gas.

This is definitely for you. Oh, I need that one badly. That's you. That's two of your problems. And then this is just for the baby's first year. Now, what would happen if you snorted this? I think it would... I think nothing. A little bit of burning yeah i think

i'd have like gunk in my nasal passage for a while you don't think i can if you really want me to snort some uh nasal i was a kid in sixth grade and i'll be that kid now i was the kid who would eat banana peels and orange peels you were that kid and i honestly thought it was going to get me cool points. Like you're walking past the lunch table. A cool kid's like, no, no, no, Mike. Holy shit, this kid licked the bottom of my shoe. Come here. Sit down.

Sit down. Sit down. Mike, we've heard about you. We're admirers of your work. Tell us your great stories. Actually, this doesn't seem bad. I mean, there's vitamin A, D, E, K. Mike, you get enough vitamin K?

I try to. That's the name of my boy band group, by the way. Yeah. Okay. Remember vitamin C? Yeah, that graduation song? Yeah. She's still around.

I think so. Let's see. Wash your hands. Okay. Yeah, just water. Wash your hands. Okay. Yeah, just water and shake it up. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure it's just like, you know. Attach nipple. Once feeding begins, use within one hour or discard.

Okay. Why? I don't know. Why would you add that quickly? So, Mike, you going to drink this? I'll drink it. If you want me to drink it, I'll drink it. I haven't eaten today. I'll drink the goddamn formula.

We actually might be doing the people of Similac a favor here. Yeah. You know, it's like, have you not eaten today? Fucking mix up some water with that. I can't imagine that it's much different than like, you know, any kind of protein shake type of thing. I bet it's got to be great for you. It's got DHA for your brain, apparently. Lutein for your eyes.

Vitamin E for development. Wait, for your brain? It literally says for brain. What? It says DHA. How does that work? What does it do to your brain? It's brain powder.

What are you, stupid? You obviously don't have enough DHA. Maybe it does get you high. What could that possibly mean? I mean, look. It says for for brain right there dha that is ridiculous i don't even know a d how are they able to like advertise stuff that there's like no way it's true also the the syntax and like grammar it's like for brain

good for brain good for brain this for brain like the the uh well first of all that water that supposedly relieves your debt what you've never seen that oh my god it's so good what like these infomercials where it's this dude who was like his name's peter popoff okay and in the 80s he was exposed um by the great randy on the tonight show for being a fraud oh right he had like an earpiece and he would like act like he was psychic basically yeah and would like rip off poor people and old people and shit right now he's selling water that relieves your debt how does that even work what i don't know drink it i don't know but i can show you anecdotes of people testifying that it works you get in the mail a week later you get like a check uh-. They're just rubbing baby formula in their gums. Just living the life.

Wow. Okay. I'm going to make you some of this baby formula. Let me mix some of this up in a glass and get you to drink that. We'll wrap the podcast up shortly after that. I talked to a guy who lived for two months on insure once when my jaw was

wired shut. Oh, wow. That and vodka. Holy shit. Did you have to carry around pliers in case you threw up? No, I would just throw up. What? Yeah.

You're not eating solids, so it's just liquid when you puke. It would come through your teeth? Yeah. Whoa. People would line up to watch me vomiting. I can remember being in a Towsusend dorm is that your dream like going from the kid eating a fucking orange peel to like no no watch me throw up through my my mouth the twire shot you know everybody loved that guy in 80s and 90s movies you know it's just like the jack off who would like do anything like you know like a bill

of tech character that's how you should describe yourself and the jack off who would do anything, like a Billy Ted character. That's how you should describe yourself. The jack-off that'll do anything, Mike Moran. Yeah, I kind of was that guy. Alcohol doesn't keep you from being that guy further. No, if anything, it encourages it. Sure. Yeah. I've definitely done some dumb stuff.

Right, for sure. I was the one who would take his pants off and whatever the dare or the bet was. Mike, get on the sex offender registry list. You're like, all right. I'll take my pants off. I could do that. Holy shit. All right.

Let me pause again and we'll be right back and Mike will be drinking some baby formula. Let's do it. Alright, Michael. I've prepared a nice little brew here for you. It's in a jar. Why is it in a jar? Just to make it look good. It's in a small mason jar. Here we go. He's going to take

a sip. Smells like good formula. Uh-huh. I can feel the brain powder. Do you feel yourself getting stronger? I do. Yeah? I do.

I think it's a little too liquidy, Josh, if I may. I added a little too much just because I think I had less water in there, but it looked kind of chalky. There's something about protein shakes or whatever that if they're too liquidy, just a little bit, then it's completely disgusting. Oh, okay. You want less? Well, I need more chalk, I think. Well, you have the one for gas in front of you. Can we mix them?

I don't know if that's legal. It just blows up. Oh, my God. We told you not to mix them i don't know if this podcast is hitting a new low or a new high by having you drink various various baby formulas like like a video of like all this you know oh remember like those shitty like videos you'd watch in science class? You'd hear like every crinkly like, so we open the formula like this. That's a great job.

There we are. All right. We mix the formula. There's a little scooper in there. I tell you what, we are the only podcast experimenting with baby formula. I swear to God, if Nerdist has done this already. There's a lot of podcasts out there. There really are.

I mean, this might be our niche, though. Trying baby formula. Oh, my God. Okay. All right. It said one scoop for two ounces of water. You just added two scoops to what I've- I like it thick, you know?

You prefer your baby formula yeah your milkshake listen i i'm gonna i'm gonna go spoon this you talk amongst yourselves okay all right well let's just take another break all right mike is returning he has properly stirred his uh yes his drink does that look green to Well, I mean the glass is green. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. Are you being, are you dumb like a baby now?

Well, you'd realize I'm very bad with colors. Are you? Yeah, I'm colorblind. What? Are you fucking kidding me? I had no idea you were colorblind.

You had no idea? No idea. We've never talked about that before? No. Yeah, terrible colors. Really? Yeah, that's why I can't dress myself or anything.

That's why? No. You do fine. And that's why I'm not racist. Yeah, terrible colors. Yeah, that's why I can't dress myself or anything. That's why? No, you do fine. And that's why I'm not racist. But does that look green or red to you? Green. Green? Okay, yeah, it's green.

Yeah, it's fine. I don't look red. It's just a thing of blood. I'm like, yeah, it's green. You're good. Whatever. Don't worry about it. I look brown or yellow to you. You're fine.

All right. Weirdly, this just never thickens. It just always stays liquidy. Maybe you should just start snorting it. Probably. Yeah. So what's the verdict here? How do you feel?

It tastes like Ensure or something, basically. Okay. Now, if I give you these, will you drink them? Like, if they're in your house? I have no means of income for several weeks, so probably yes. We just opened up a new market for them, I think. They should advertise with us because they're like, hey, maybe this is for your baby. No.

Maybe it's for a guy that can't work. You know what I mean? For a guy that can't work. You know what I mean? For the man who can't work. Similac. Well, we've taken a wild evolution here that I did not expect. That's what I love about the digression sessions. You never know where we're going to end up. That's true.

We are going to fucking digress into you drinking baby formula sometimes. Next thing you know, Tom Arnold will be back here. Snorting baby formula. Doing baby formula with us. Well, no, I got home super late last night and I saw this thing and I was like, what? Because I saw the thing that said a gift. So I thought it was a free sample. And I got home super late.

So I was like, what the fuck is this? So I just left it outside. And I didn't notice the address to an April Gilman. Yeah. So April, if you're listening out there, sorry. Sorry. There's plenty of formula left though. There's more formula where that came from.

It's not actually that bad. Wow, Mike, you drank the whole thing. I like foods like that. That's not a food. Exactly. I like foods like that. I'm a connoisseur of not food yeah you were swilling it around you had your nose in it yeah totally i'm picking up some rich tannins yeah i can tell

there's been like a deep distilling process or sort of reminiscent of like an early uh insurer but a little bit of pedialyte kind of absolutely earthy, rich tones in an aftertaste. You can tell where this powder was made. You can feel the winds of the Santa Ana sweeping through the lab. You can tell it was influenced by the hot chocolate powder revolution of the 30s. Absolutely. Which, you know, let's be honest. What powder drink wasn't?

That's true. That's true. We're living in a post-modern hot cocoa world. Right. Yeah. Oh, my God. What a good time. All right.

We got to wrap this up soon because I need to get in the shower. But went to New York City. New York City? New York City. Hung out with some friends. You'll appreciate this. We apparently walked past Tommymmy lee no way yeah jones yep really yeah uh how do you know this uh i think either jason or scott saw him i was uh i

didn't notice him they're like oh i think that was tommy lee wow and i heard them talking and it sounded like some tommy lee stuff he's just like what did he say he's like that's why i love living here man and then i was like that's tomm say? He's like, that's why I love living here, man. And I was like, that's Tommy Lee. That's gotta be Tommy Lee. That's gotta, he loves living places, you know? He doesn't live in New York though, does he? Does he live in LA?

But I guarantee, I mean, he's probably pretty rich though. I mean, I'm sure he's probably got a spot in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Dude, I showed our friend Sue, who's like kind of a Motley Crew fan. I introduced her to the phenomenon that was Methods of Mayhem. Oh, she was unaware. She had blue or fucking

mind. She missed the get naked craze? Yeah, it was crazy. She nearly had a breakdown. Yeah, that's the first thing I brought up was that like, should I just hunt him down and be like, dude, huge Methods of Mayhem fan. Get naked is my shit.

Dude, he'd be so excited. Really? You think so? Yeah, he's like such a like innocent like teenage, like grown teenager, you know. I'm sure he'd be like, oh yeah.

Yeah? Did you know a kid died in his pool? Yes. Kid Rock died in his pool. What? Oh my God, R.I.P. I didn't know that. Yeah.

And I remember weirdly that he released a single right about that time that repeatedly mentions drowning. Oh, whoa. Yeah, he had like, I think after his rap album failed, he did like kind of more

of a new metal type of thing. Yeah, yeah. And the whole theme of it was drowning drowning i guess it was already recorded before but still wouldn't you be like uh let's bump that release yeah a little yeah i think you i think even the video was like an underwater video jesus christ there's like infants like floating up and down yeah oh my god wow okay so hey we already shot the video what are you gonna do what are Like floating up and down. Wow. So, hey, we already shot the video. What are you going to do?

What are you going to? Holy fuck. But I had a great time up there, man. It was a lot of fun. We did karaoke in a private room. Have you done that yet? In a private room? Private room.

Like a bathroom? Uh-huh. Room where you show your privates. Which can be any room if you make it that. No, it was karaoke bar. You could do it up front, but then they also have just individual rooms that you can rent. And it was just me and three other dudes. Weird.

So what's the appeal of that? I guess if you just want to do karaoke, but you just want to keep doing songs that you like and do it with your friends, there are two microphones, big screen, and then a huge binder. You paid eight bucks per person for an hour, which is cheap as shit. And then it's so goofy too, cause they have like red and green and yellow, like sort of like strobe light kind of stuff going the whole time. And you're in a room that's like, I don't know, the size of a jail cell basically. And, uh, it was fun as shit nice i'm normally not too excited to sing in public but when it's just with your friends and you're just like yelling natalie and bruglia i feel like

part of the appeal though is like that there's a crowd of people that can be but imagine if you were with like three or four of your friends and you're just you know singing as loud as you want about yeah like we were doing just dumb shit like nataline broogly is torn and uh then we did some blink 182 did some system of a down nice did some other 90s shit like gin blossoms and it was it was fun man it was so cool but occasionally like the asian people that run it will like come in and open the door and turn the light on like you just feel like such a loser because all the cool strobe lights go away and the fluorescent lights come on. And you're like, whoa. Exactly.

And they're like, you boys okay? We spilled a beer. Embarrassing us. Sorry. But no, man. It was fun as shit. I had a really good time up there. Seeing my homies.

But it's an expensive city. I don't know if you've heard. I know. I hate it when people point out how cheap Baltimore is. Yeah, yeah. It's like, God damn it. I can barely make it here. What am I going to do?

Yeah. Comedian David Twight has a bit about that, about how people say being a white guy in America is so great and you have so much privilege. And I hate that because it sucks that I'm losing at life on the easiest difficulty setting. Yeah, totally. You're like, oh, man. Yeah. Damn it.

All right. Well, that's all I got for this little catch-up sesh. And besides, if you want some more formula, are you going to take this with you? Probably. Yes. That's great. Amazing. Yeah, dude, I'm stranded without my So? Probably. Yes. That's great. Amazing. Dude, I'm stranded without my Soylent right now, and it's hurting.

Okay. This is going to get you through, especially if you're fussy or gassy. I am both. And, yeah, plenty of lutein for your eyes. You might not even need glasses by the time you're done with this shit. You think so? Yeah. Your brain will be great, and then vitamin E is going to help with your development.

You're going to be great. You're going to be really, really good. Is there anything for erectile dysfunction in there? Probably. You have a baby dick, yes? Yes. Okay, good. Then this is, yeah, it says DHA for dick.

You should be fine. For dick. For dick. Yeah, let's wrap this thing up, shall we? All right. So everybody, thank you for listening, and we hope to have another episode out on Monday. If not, you'll get it when you fucking get it.

Hey. Okay, but no, we do appreciate you listening, so write us a review, rate us on iTunes. It helps us go up the charts and look legitimate to people, and that's all i want you know i just want my dad to be happy of his podcasting son yes he actually said to me recently he's like hey i saw your uh your podcast uh it's like people are listening to it like you saw something i think my uncle or aunt sent him something about the tom arnold episode he's just

like hey all right they're listening, huh? Just kind of like, I'll be damned. Like, yeah, I know, I know. But yeah, okay, thanks for listening. Like our page on Facebook, say hello, follow us on Twitter and all that stuff. Check out the rest of the Thunder Grunt fucking network. Follow Mike Moran on Twitter.

He's at Mike Moran Wood. I'm at Josh Kaderna on there and Instagram. And the podcast is at Dig Sesh Pod. And come see us live. We got dates. And I think that's it, right? I think so. All right. Well, shout out to our sponsor.

You guys didn't notice, but we are sponsored by Similac. It was so seamless. They didn't even notice that. So go to Similac.com, write to, write digression sessions, and it won't get you anything at checkout. And that's it. David Koechner, take us out. Bam.

Digression sessions coming to an end. Thank you. We'll be right back. Oh yeah, oh yeah