The Digression Sessions - Ep. 189 - Dig Sesh Solo! (@MikeMoranWould & @JoshKuderna)

Episode Date: June 6, 2016

It's a solo ep from vault! Josh and Mike catch up on their lives! Car accidents, Grandpas, & of course...poop!   Follow your boys, Mike Moran & Josh Kuderna, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.  Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram Mike - @MikeMoranWould on Twitter The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook For live stand up and improv dates, check out - DigressionSessions.com/Calendar Thanks for listening, all! Do us a favor and rate and review us on iTunes & Stitcher plz!

hey everybody i'm josh kaderna and i'm mike moran and you're listening to the digression sessions podcast a baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers. Join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence. As we interview local and non-local comedians, writers, musicians, and anyone else we find creative and interesting. Yes. Who's the guest this week no guests this week it is just mike moran me josh caderna for a good old-fashioned solo sesh uh we catch up on our lives talk some trash and uh yeah it's a good time i uh i really enjoy these episodes uh this one we actually recorded a few weeks ago but i forgot to put out like an idiot.

But we're releasing it from the vault, and Mike and I catch up on our lives. We talk about what he's going through with his insurance company and trying to get a new car and everything that happened with his accident. I talk about seeing my grandpa for the first time in years. And then, of course, we talk about poop because what would be a solo session without some fecal matter? So yeah, I hope you guys enjoy it.

Before we get into that, just a couple of dates to promote. Mike will be performing on June 22nd at the Auto Bar here in Baltimore. I will be performing on the 17th at the Metropolitan in Annapolis doing stand-up there. And the headliner will be Jason Weems, who's one of my favorite hilarious guy. And I'm bringing my good buddy and also a hilarious guy, Umar Khan. And so come to that. It's going to be June 17th at 8 o'clock. And I'll also be performing at LOL at Artscape or LOL Fest, I think it's called. LOLscape? I don't know. It's the comedy portion of Artscape. And I'll be performing on the 17th of July. So come to that here in Baltimore. And yeah, we'll keep you posted on any other shows that are coming up. Go to our Facebook page, the Digression Sessions Facebook page like that. And we'll keep you posted or you can go to

digressionsessions.com slash calendar. We have all our stuff up there. So follow us on the internets. I am at Josh Kaderna on Twitter and Instagram. Mike is at Mike Moran Wood on Twitter. And yeah, we appreciate you guys listening. So let's cut to my basement and let's have a ketchup session. Nice. Nice. You know what else is nice? Hey. Professional podcasting.

Hello, everybody. Josh Kaderna here. And I'm Mike Moran. And we are the Degressions. Sessions Podcast. Okay, everybody. That's been our podcast.

Hi. Hello, everybody. Just Mike and I on this one. And thank you for listening. Do us a favor. Follow us on all the social media stuff. Help us fill the Giant void that Is in our souls with attention online

Please I am at Josh Kaderna On Twitter and Instagram The podcast is at DigSeshPod On Twitter, Michael I am at Mike Moran Wood That's W-O-U-L-D Hey

On Twitter And we have a facebook page for the podcast hit us up on there about anything uh anything related to the podcast or whatever uh we post a lot of dates for upcoming shows on there or you can go to digressionsessions.com calendar to find out about all our upcoming dates and uh rate and review us on itunes or stitcher if you're nasty we appreciate it so uh there's gonna be a little uh catch-up sesh on our on our lives me and me and the moranster here that's right um uh mike last time we we talked uh you had gotten into an accident sorry you gotta sneeze i gotta sneeze coming in the next 20 seconds or so just to warn everybody.

Okay. But before that, yeah, I was in a car accident. Like you're allergic to hot pot? What's going on? Hot pockets. Hot pot? Oh, my God. Is that a hot pocket?

No. So you made the transition to being an Uber driver. To being unemployed but it's it's just so it's so shitty because you were working at a restaurant and then you wanted some freedom basically you're like i'm gonna get a new car i'm gonna be an uber driver i'm gonna set my own schedule things are working for me yeah you're it was flexible you can do what you want only one person vomited on you so far but yet you were uh you're picking up a friend from a from a spot correct one night and you're parked on the street legally legally and some fella although technically i was kind of in the bus stop zone that was the only thing

but by the time the wreck was finished with i was pushed out of it so oh thank god i can't wait for this to be played back in a court of law for you but i was just out of it so oh thank god i can't wait for this to be played back in a court of law for you but i was just like waiting to pick someone up referring to digression episode 187 mr moran what do you have you know what do you have they did that to my dad once he uh subpoenaed his podcast no he uh he had a problem with verizon like he he's very old school in the way that like he thinks some stuff just doesn't apply. I feel like in the 50s, they're just like, What? I'm Catholic. I don't need to pay this.

Or just like, It's not moral. A company can do that. I'm not going to pay that. So he had a contract with Verizon for a cell phone bill, or for a cell phone while he was uh while he was building a restaurant that he owned and he had he had the cell phone and uh just so he could be available at all times while he was doing so he's not the guy like he would have a rotary phone at his house if he could but uh so he had the cell phone for a little bit but signed a two-year contract but when he was like after six months he was like i want to end this so ver Verizon's like, oh, you're breaking the contract. You owe this money.

And he's like, fuck you. I'm not paying it. So they went to collections. And then Verizon would call. And of course, they record all those calls. And so he would not be shy about telling the people at Verizon how he really feels. So he'd be like, fuck Verizon. They had to play that back for him in court.

Oh, my god. He had to listen to it It's so embarrassing I wish I could have been there I don't think he thought it was embarrassing But I would have just died Mr. Swerdloff can you tell us what you said February 2007

It is a little Fuck you I'm not paying shit I hope you die And so could the judicial system Of this particular county. Let me make it clear. Centerville, Maryland is for a bunch of lazy fucks. Wouldn't know the law if it hit them in the ass.

Yeah, so yeah, he got in the accident. And then at the time, it was being appraised as to whether it be totaled or not. What's the word? Totaled. Totaled. as to whether it be totaled or not right what's the word totaled totaled yes totally totally totaled yes and you have a super cool insurance company they're like dude totally totaled pretty gnarly uh no they try to be really nice though i'll give them that yeah they try to be super friendly like i always feel like when, like, something like that, and I just don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, they're going to be like, okay, you know? Right.

Like, I just expect every official person to, like, know their shit better than me. Right. And just be, like, half mocking me for being so ignorant. Like, okay, dum-dum. Let's break this down for you. You've got to listen to this guy but they're all like oh i'm sorry to hear that mr moran oh that can be but they're almost like go too far especially now that i'm like weeks into it and just want to fucking like yeah an

answer on some things you know yeah so just like well that can it is tough getting into an action i'm sorry to hear that so anyway we're gonna short you a bunch of money have a good day yeah so what happened so it's totaled so that means they have to short you a bunch of money have a good day yeah so what happened so it's totaled so that means they have to cut you a check for what it's worth i guess but they're well for what it's worth they're not gonna give me what it's worth can you imagine if somebody said that to you they try to make a pun about how you're not going to get enough money. Well, for what it's worth, you're worthless. Yeah.

No, they're like going to give me money, but it's not going to get... I'm still going to be thousands and thousands in the hole. Right. So you still owe money on the car. I still owe money on the car. I have good credit. So the bank cut me a nice little monthly payment program. Right. And, you know, the money they're going to give me isn't going to cover the rest of that.

Plus, I got to get another car. Yeah, exactly. Plus, lost wages. Yeah, and your job is driving. Exactly. It's not like you can rent a car in the short term and get to your job. Yeah.

And I could have rented a car, but I wouldn't have been able to do my job in it. Yeah, like legally you're not allowed. Right. You have to own the job. Yeah. And I could have rented a car, but I wouldn't have been able to do my job in it. Yeah, like legally you're not allowed. Right. You have to own the car. Yeah. Man. So are you thinking about going back to the moon

for a little bit? I really don't want to. Right. And really, really don't want to. For those listening, Mike used to work on a moon colony. Yes. And he hates it up there. Yeah.

Lonely, right? Yeah, they kept cloning me every time. Yeah, I found out I was a series of clones. That was a bummer. Yeah, really. Talk about a case of the Mondays. So, yeah. So, Paper Moon Diner, where you were a server prior to the Ubering.

Yes. Worked there on and off for almost a decade, I think. Yeah, and you're very happy to move on. I didn't hate it, but I'm just like, you know, you just realize. You don't do anything long enough, too. Yeah, and it's just like that's what you do in life. You learn what you like and what you don't like, and then you try to move on to a better thing. And I thought I had worked pretty hard throughout my 20s,'t own a car didn't know much was very frugal

yeah uh spent you know bought like the bottom of the barrel prostitutes regularly yeah i mean we all want to have a high class one once in a while right yeah and no you did heroin and not crack you were doing all the right things yeah um so i thought i'd earn my way into like having a job that i liked yeah it would be great too, if the car was totaled, and they're like, here, here's all the money. Even if you could come out even on the car, that would still suck. But shouldn't that just be what it is? Like, okay, you owe this much, so that's how much we'll pay,

and then here's the lost wages, and that's it? Should it just be cut and dry? Yeah, but they use the Kelly Blue Book. Whatever. Well, I call it the Kelly Blue Book. They screw you. They screw you. But yeah, they use the Kelly Blue Book, whatever. Well, I call it the Kelly Boo Book from now on. Michael, they're a sponsor of this show. You will not speak of the Kelly family that way. Speaking of the podcast being played, if this is played in the Kelly Blue Book conference room,

we are toast. We're done. Well, fuck, man. What are you going to do? I don't know. Start my own blue book, I think. What if I show up with a Moran blue book? Blue Balls book.

$100,000 Nissan Versa. Who the fuck is Kelly to decide everything? $100,000. And a copy of Amazing Spider-Man number one. This Nissan Versa without power locks is worth $100,000. My company's going to go under. Holy shit. We're a small insurance company.

That's what Moran's blue book says. Sorry. I didn't write it. Your blue book is just a pamphlet with just that card. Yeah. Only one card. Like a picture of me with a thumbs up. A head shot of like me.

Jesus. All my Twitter information. Mike Moran says, Mike Moran is great. I love Mike Moran's book. Mike Moran. Mike Moran on Mike Moran. Remember like Moran is great. I love Mike Moran's book. Mike Moran. Mike Moran on Mike Moran. Remember like Stephen Colbert's books and all that? Yeah.

This is the best book ever written, Stephen Colbert. I had like the Stephen Colbert award for excellence. Oh, God. Those books are good. Oh, God. I wish there was something we could do. I would sell you my car, but I think it's a 2005. That's all right.

It's just a fucking bummer. First of all, it feels like shit to not work. For a second there, I'm kind of like, ooh, I have an excuse to not work for a while. But then it feels terrible after a while. Yeah, and then it kind of like self-fulfilling to you like i feel like shit whatever i'm just gonna keep doing shit yeah and like i honestly like i don't know what it is but like i cannot fucking like get out of bed like yeah i can't tell it's just depression or if like i'm i actually caught like some bug or something yeah it's probably more

depression than anything. You should try to just get yourself on a little schedule. Yeah, I am. I'll make myself do a few things a day, and it's arduous. Yeah. But I don't know. I think I might actually be sick, because whenever I get in the car, I get nauseous.

Really? Yeah, it's so weird. Huh. I wonder if that's some PTSD from the car. Car accident. Cha-ching. Cha-ching. Again, if it's played so weird. Huh. I wonder if that's some PTSD from the car. Car accident. Cha-ching. Cha-ching. Again, if it's played in court.

Right. Mr. Moran, you say you suffer from PTSD. What do you have to say to this clip of you saying cha-ching? I was coughing. That's how I cough. Cha-ching. Pretty things sucking D's. What?

What PTSD stands for. Sucking D's. What? What PTSD stands for. Sucking D's. I suffer from PTSD. Oh, man. You're killing me today. But, so, yeah, it just sucks because it's like, I don't know. I actually have like a little bit of savings for the first time. But now you got to eat into it.

Yeah. Yeah. More and more. Do you have enough money for a new car? Well, technically, I'm sure something could be worked out. What about a slightly dented Nissan Versa? I wouldn't mind, but it has to look presentable for Uber, I think. For the Ubers.

Although, technically, they don't really check. Right. I guess I would just kind of get lower ratings my car was all dinged up yeah maybe but then you know just have some teddy grams in there yeah i did actually have like kind of a pretty big dent in my car for a while that i just didn't do anything about and my rating didn't go down oh yeah yeah oh where was it could they see it um where i pulled up yeah i feel like if it's on the passenger side that's probably it's on the driver's side no it was on the passenger side i think or no maybe it was the driver's side yeah but yeah they must have seen it like 50 of the the time. Right, right. Well, yeah. What are you going to do? I got it fixed.

But what's the plan? Are you just kind of... I don't know. Jesus. Yeah, I really don't know. I mean, it's a matter of like, you know. You have to talk to this person to find out if you can get lost wages from their insurance company. And you have to go to your bank and like...

Right. It's just a big headache, Josh. It's just a real big headache. Well, Mike, you got some free time. Take your time now. It doesn't feel like it because all I want to do is sleep constantly. All right. Well, sleep constantly for a few weeks, maybe even a couple months.

But shout out to my good friend Sue Warner. Sue Warner. Because she's totally been taking care of me. Awesome chick. Yeah. Nice. I'm glad she's been good to you, man. Yeah, she's. Awesome chick. Yeah. Nice. That's good. I'm glad she's been good to you, man.

Yeah, she's great. Awesome. Yeah. She's very cool. Talented, too. Yes. Very. Plays bass, right?

In War on Women? Yes. Plays other instruments, too. Guitar. Sings a little bit. Jeez. So talented. Very.

Oh, fuck, man. Good luck with that. I would just say, yeah, maybe like set up, I don't know, like a list of all that shit that people told you about and then just try to like crack. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. Get into it. Tomorrow I'm going to force myself to get up early

and just call everybody. And I think you'll feel better to like get up, make a cup of coffee. I'm doing all that, but it's just like I haven't, you know, I've just been doing like a little bit a day now it's my time to just dive in and but maybe even like go out to like once you're out in public because it's so easy like once you wake up and you're like i can just get back in bed no i do i do like i've been hitting open mics as much as i can in the morning yeah

no i mean in the morning like go to a coffee shop go to a 7 a.m open mic where is it good day break how we doing everybody like terrible shut up um man well i've been getting down doing stuff it's just been tough i just fucking feel like i have weights in my belly and everything sucks you exercising a little bit not as much as normal, though. But I've been walking more. Walking has been good. That's good. That's brought me back to my roots.

Yeah, the weather's good. Ready? Haven't changed. I've been wearing the same clothes since the accident. I feel like when you start with that sentence, you can use the word nigh on. You know what I mean? Wearing these same clothes. Nary have I.

Nigh on three three weeks now nigh on a fortnight i've washed them but i haven't i haven't washed myself in nigh on two months or so um well shit man good luck thank you let me know if there's anything i can do thank you i appreciate it it's one of those things where it's like you know it's not the end of the world it's just a fucking bummer yeah and i was already like pretty depressed anyway you know and then literally somebody hit you yeah just like crunch right it's all over and i slammed into i slammed into the person that sue replaced in war on women like his car and then he hit like uh yeah the guitarist from um i think uh some pretty popular metal band pig destroyer i think okay sounds like a metal band yeah yeah uh

i think his car was also hit yeah it's so crazy oh fuck man but you're not responsible for any of that no no man but that guy's insurance responsible for any of that. No, no. But that guy's insurance must be the guy that hit all of you. Yeah, I mean, I assume. He was pretty nice about it. I would hope so. He's tough to be a

dick and be like, what were you three cars doing right here? Yeah, there's not much you can say in that situation, I guess. Other than than doesn't the bus go here and uh so how's everything on the family front uh good good thank you yeah thanks for going well good man i um how about you i i saw my grandpa yeah uh for the first time in years uh recently how's he uh he suffered a stroke not as soon as he saw me that'd be weird but i mean like uh he uh a few weeks ago maybe maybe a

month ago a little while ago he uh he had a stroke in the middle of the night and didn't know it like he woke up in the middle of the night to go pee i think and he fell and he was staying with my uncle or my uncle was staying at his house and he heard it and so he got up to check on him and uh he was a little disoriented but he thought it was just because he fell and it's the middle of the night and then later maybe a few hours later same thing happened but he fell harder and he was uh not not delusional but like he well maybe but he didn't know where he was like he thought he was like back in our room yeah like very disoriented yeah that's the word and like didn't know where he was took him to the hospital turned out he had a major stroke in the middle of the night wow which apparently is like normally

uh a stroke can be induced by some type of act strenuous activity but this is like the middle of the night so um but he's on the mend and then he had to go to a rehab facility for a little bit how old is he he it's tough to tell there's kind of a weird there's a kind of a weird backstory yeah like it turns out like his mom who he thought was his mom, was not his mom. And so he kind of has two birthdays. Weird. Yeah. They're not sure which one's correct?

Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. But he's in his 80s. Wow. Is that Billy the Kid or something? Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, no. His story's crazy. Joined and lied about his age because he didn't know it. But when he was 14, he joined the Navy. Yeah. Lied about his age. Must have been a much shittier time when people were lying about their age to join the Army. Oh, yeah, to go fight in a war. It wasn't like, I just want to join.

Yeah, exactly. And then, yeah, I think he was gone for two years. He either did that when he was 14, came back two years later, married my grandma when he was 16, or like 16 and 18. But either way, it's still super young so what so when did he like realize he might not be the age that he thinks he is i'm not sure it's so weird yeah i know because i think he might have known for a while but then it wasn't told to me and i didn't know how much of the family knew it's so crazy to not know how old you are apparently it's a big thing in cuba too they don't know like because the

records aren't kept well wow like they're like the baseball players that come from over there they're like really yeah because i think i remember there's a thing with a pitcher and they're like he's over the hill but we think is that you don't know his age is that like just a cultural thing like some cultures value knowing when you were born and others just don't i think if you yeah like from what i heard it's just the the record keeping system wasn't great so it's just like you just don't know and you're like oh i guess it's not weird if you're not the only one you're like i don't know my brother could be 25 or 30 i don't fucking know that's so crazy yeah so i might be like 22 who knows yeah exactly exactly so uh yeah check the what do we decide the moran kelly book yeah

yeah check that blue book yes see how old you are in there um boob book um but uh yeah so he's in a rehab facility my mom called me about it and uh and i talked to her just because i was like all right this is kind of serious because you know i don't really talk to her and i don't talk to my grandpa because he kind of sided with her when all the shit went down with my family uh listen to the last depression sessions if you want to get the full low down i forget what episode number it is but uh check that out but uh so yeah she was like i don't think he's gonna die or anything but he's definitely you know he's getting up there and she's like you should go see him and i was like oh man i don't know but uh but i decided to because my my cousin sophie yeah who i haven't talked to in a while but she was always there for me when i was growing up and she was really cool she's one of those like uh like sort of i guess like what like an older

brother or older sister would do like they're like hey these are the cool records this is the cool place to go so I remember being like 12 and she's like we're gonna go to Baltimore for the day I'm like oh my god like you know like the big city and we would go to like cafes and drink tea when I was like 13 I was like this is so cool yeah people are cussing this is crazy and uh so but yeah like take me to shows like took me to see Jimmy's chicken check when I was in fifth grade and like I thought it was the coolest thing and uh but we kind of fell out of touch over the years and some family stuff going on but um she came out to see me at a show and we'd been talking a little bit and uh she said that she would take me to see grandpa and make sure like no other family members were there and stuff and uh we had this really great like i went to kent island

here in maryland where i grew up got a haircut from a friend and then sophie picked me up from there we went and saw my grandpa and it was really nice man it was cool like it was it was kind of it's kind of sad to see him there and like he his mind is still like razor sharp but like he his speech was still affected by the stroke but he was really cool man like in the few times like kind of why i stopped talking to him a little bit like i would try to have a relationship with him but he would be like well you know your mom or like bring up other people i'm like i just want to talk to you like he didn't mention any other family members nice he brought

up my grandma once and we talked about that but like he it was really sweet like as soon as i sat down he said uh he's he said how's the radio business like about the podcast you know what i mean that was him just trying to be like sweet and relate you know so it was it was cool man like we we both i think there was just kind of in the air of like you know what like that should happen we're here now and let's catch up and we joked and like yeah we're just talking about cool cool stuff and you know talked a little bit about the navy but he was just very present very sharp and funny and uh it was really cool hanging out with my cousin so it was one of those days where it was like this is good like i felt

good it was a little it was intense but it was it was good so uh but hanging out with my cousin sophie and then learning about like this stuff that's going on in my family that like I I don't you just talk to that side and so she is on the outs with her mom and then like her mom and dad are getting a divorce and they were together for a long time like since they were like kids like teenagers they're like you know 60 now she is yeah and so and so i come to find out that one of my other cousins isn't talking to my uncle and then one of my other cousins got a restraining order from his mom god and uh it was just like in the most morbid sense i was just like look at me i was a trend setter i stopped talking to my mom before all y'all stop talking to your moms you're the hipster of the family yeah exactly i didn't like my mom before it was cool but yeah it kind of it was it was kind of vindicating but

like sad at the same time but you know you just kind of realize who your parents are as you get older and like who your family is and seeing them for the people that they are and uh yeah i'm just totally at that stage where it's like you guys got to do you can do what you want to do but i'm not gonna let you rope me into your bullshit you know like like my mom's still i don't know if i talked about this on the podcast but she messaged me one night and uh on facebook and like all this stuff of like i i gotta tell you uh some truths that you're ready to hear yeah Do you want me to tell you about this? I think we talked about it.

Yeah, but she would just do manipulative stuff. So I called her the next day and we're going through it. And whatever she wanted to talk about. And I remember she said, I swear on my grandchildren or something like that. Which is like a shot across the bow, right? To me because I'm her only son and i ain't got no kids what does that mean then right right right so that's that's i was like she sent it for me to be like grandkids you know because i know that she's remarried right

but but was she like asking you to if you had grandkids or was she like – No, no, no. This is what happened. So what she was trying to do was trying to say that her life has moved on and she has grandkids is what she's saying. Oh, I see. So it's sort of – Yeah, that's pretty mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like we were joking about our moms and how if they were in the Matrix,

they would be like the Keanu Reeves character, just being able to break through and try to destroy you. You know what I mean? They see through everything. But I've got my armor up and I'm used to it. So I just thought it was funny. I was like, okay, I'll bite. Who are your grandkids?

Because it's like, I know I don't have any. And she was like well todd has daughters or whatever and they have kids and those are my grandkids i'm like okay i don't give a fuck they're very successful yeah right they all have very popular podcasts i think they won first in the city paper my grandson is mark maron did you know that what yeah so i it's just shit like that where i'm like dude i cannot engage in any of that stuff and and going to go to therapy has helped and good i was telling sophie about it and how my therapist said like oh like you're basically mourning that relationship where it's like it's like it because when you do that when you cut

somebody off like essentially they're they're dead yeah yeah so i'm still at that like acceptance that relationship where it's like it's like it because when you do that when you cut somebody off like essentially they're they're dead yeah yeah so i'm still at that like acceptance stage because at first you're like well no let's try it and anger all that stuff and now it's like you lead your life i'll lead mine yeah it's tough man yeah i admire how well you handle all that yeah it reminds me of like how lucky i am to have you know a stable family relatively Josh is fucked up i'm thankful for you guys like i'll i'll have something that like i get resentful about or whatever with like my family something somebody said or something yeah you know like some you know like why don't you go back to school mike or something like that right right right right

and then it's like i hear about other people's families just like jesus yeah it's like not that bad it's funny though how like you're the normal one and i'm the screwed up one like it kind of should be reversed i had a friend i had a friend tell me uh it was like he was like he's like why am i fucked up my family was normal you're normal your family was shit and you're fine it's like yeah that's kind of the worst part sometimes for me is like i i have like all these issues of depression and like yeah i have like nothing like nothing happened but like i had no traumatizing incident you know right but it's still i don't know you can't beat yourself up about yeah i know like everybody's it's a perspective thing yeah totally so like yeah it is like some... But that is kind of what's...

I'm more feeling bad for myself that I don't have some incident to blame it on. It just sucks because it's like a fulfilling thing. You're like, well, I feel bad. But why do I feel... I shouldn't feel bad. Now I feel worse about feeling worse. It just feeds into it.

I wish I could say I tried to save a boat full of people from drowning and I'm all messed up because i'm so guilt ridden from that saving more of them yeah every night you wake up covered in sweat right grab the life preserver i could have saved three more only i had to try it harder you save 57 people well i didn't save 60 but it's more just like uh now i just kind of feel like shit for no reason instead you wake up you're like oh that was an awkward social interaction right yeah what did that mean what are the ramifications going forward uh yeah so i know you like and now i'm just kind of used to it like in that conversation too she this was a little while

ago but she said something too because i was because she was like like you know wanting forgiveness and all that stuff i'm like look it's not gonna be easy it's not like there was one thing it's like it's like years of shit you know that that's really hard and like i was talking about my childhood and she goes oh your childhood was so bad are you serious like that yeah and she goes because i i said i was like i tell my friends like what you know the stuff that happened and they're like what jesus she's like oh yeah tell your friends boohoo it was so bad what like a child and it just made me laugh so hard i had somebody do that to me at work like a couple years ago like not joking yeah no this person was not joking like where i was like uh i was like hey

could you like not do that you just like threw a bunch of shit on my leg or something yeah and and she was like oh she was just like she like hated me for some reason yeah and she was just in a bad mood or whatever and she like genuinely gave me like oh did you get that on your way do you make a little mess on your pants to this day that's like seared into my psyche like i can't fucking let it go yeah for like an adult to be like mocking you to your face and they're the ones that did it you're like i'm just telling you what you did yeah and so but for it to be my mom and also be the one that's like was there for that shit like oh so bad like of course it could have been worse like i wasn't like beaten or anything and like never was hungry and shit like that but i mean there's plenty of sex toys plenty of sex toys lying around uh but the um

just like the psychological stuff it's like yeah just because it's like just because i didn't go to bed hungry doesn't mean it's like it was it's like well we're all good here i'll smoke pot with you when you're 14 there'll be no problem there you know what i mean or and so no i mean from an outside perspective it's i don't think you're like yeah beat you know like feeling bad for yourself yeah you did have, like, a pretty rough. Yeah, it was just, you know, not ideal in that sense. So it was just for her to be like, boo. Like, wow, okay, you don't get it at all. But she's like, oh, little Josh.

She starts talking like a, whoa. You're going to cry because I manipulated you is that the problem so so it was nice to just like cast all that shit aside and be like all right i'm gonna go see my grandpa who i haven't seen in years and like if this is if that's like the last time we talk i feel good about it right and yeah it was uh it was good and then hanging out with my cousin and she was really cool and we just kind of picked up where we left off. It was nice, man. But yeah, I mean, beyond that, having great friends and family.

My dad's side, when I say my dad, I mean technically my stepdad, but his side of the family and he's been so cool to me and so supportive and stuff. It's not like I was like, I'm going to do it all on my own. Having a good community of people around you really helps. But yeah, you turned out well. Thank you, man. and stuff so you know it's not like i was like i'm gonna do it all on my own like having like a good community of people around you really helps so but yeah you turned out well you thank you man yeah definitely like uh yeah me me and my colleague and we're like talking about you recently and just being like yeah he's like one of those dudes you know that can just like

yeah do it all you know like yeah yeah i mean you know i i try you know no i. Yeah. I mean, you know, I, I try, you know, no, I'm just saying, I mean like, I feel like I, I do. I mean, yeah, as a God among men, it seems like you've really kind of decided like you've got to take care of

yourself and like, yeah. So that's where it's kind of like the, the blessing too. Like I heard somebody talking about like, you can see things like you can, something bad can happen and then you can kind of see it as like, Oh, okay, this sucks. But also it's good in the sense you're like okay i'm gonna know

to not do that like right you can look at your parents and try to model yourself after them but at the same time you can also like not just the good stuff like also like the bad stuff is like oh no no i don't want that you know what i mean so and then maybe in some weird way it kind of like pushes me to maybe in like a perverse way to be like, no, no, I'm going to do great. I'm going to do that. You know what I mean? But it's like you've got like, you know, kind of a, it seems like you've taken that experience instead of like just feeling bad for yourself. Yeah.

You've like gone out there and just been like, I'm just going to have to make myself happy. Yeah, exactly. And I think, yeah, I mean, everybody kind of does. Yeah, definitely. But I wish I had that a little bit more, you you know like i can still kind of lie to myself and oh yeah me too i mean it's not like every day i wake up i'm like i'm just crushing it all day like yeah but it's not like you're yeah but you're you are like taking an issue i mean i think i am too for the most part but probably not as much as you no but that's the thing that sucks too there's always

more shit you could be doing so always but always. But, like, I was telling somebody last night, too, like, just how, like, no, like, you find, I was like, you know, Josh is, like, willing to show up. Like, so few people in this world will show up, like, consistently and do their thing. You know, like, it's just like. It is a part of it. You find one person. I feel like that's all it takes to make anything work is to have people who are willing to show up. It really does. And if you're just doing your thing, like Pete Holmes talks about what Conan O'Brien told him for advice on success.

And Conan O'Brien said he thinks his show got successful. He's like, you got to think about the whole world or entertainment or whatever like everybody's playing music and you know what i mean like it's loud and blah blah but if you he's like with us we were just playing the triangle and it's like it's not great by itself but still it's consistent so like even while all this other shit's going on you're like hey wait what's that noise and you always know that that is there so then you kind of can build off of that so that's kind of what i got with like improv and stand up and all that so just whatever like is if you're out there like usually there's something that's gonna come from it maybe not that night but like builds towards something so so yeah man that's that's you know that's what i'm trying to do and then still have enough i

don't know like a balance of like trying to be humble but with some fuck you in there too but not not not not a ton like i don't you gotta have the right balance but there's definitely will take advantage of you yeah but there's definitely times where like uh like probably after this i'm gonna go for a run and listen to Pantera very loudly. Sure. You know what I mean? Who isn't? Yeah, right? And it's great, and I love it. So yeah, having that balance of stuff, and then good friends such as yourself that we can talk shit and then also talk about serious stuff at the same time.

Yeah, it does feel good. This was a good therapy. This was one of those days where it's like, oh, I don't know if I can be funny. Yeah. I feel like shit and I hate myself. Right. But then it's always therapeutic. Yeah.

To get together and talk. Yeah. You're freaking lucky, man. Not everybody has this. No. It's fun, man. I really enjoy it. Before we wrap up this little catch-up, I, uh, I got to hang

with some pigs, Michael. Speaking of therapy, you get to hang with some pigs. Uh huh. I was, uh, went for a ride along with the Baltimore city police. No, I thought you were, no, I totally forgot that there's pictures of you with pigs. Yeah. There's a, uh, real pig. My, my friend, a lot.

Hey, she was going through a lot. Hey, Zadi comedian in DC. She was going through a tough time and i was going through my breakup and like we were just talking about how bummed we are and uh she was talking about how somehow it came up like we were just sending like videos back and forth like fun stuff to cheer each other up and uh she's i think she sent me i don't know but there was like a video of a pig and then there was a video of like a little goat and we were like joking about like how like awesome they are and how cute.

And she's like, we should go to a petting zoo. I was like, oh, okay, fuck yeah, let's go. And of course they're geared towards children,

but I was like, we're going to go. Without hitting children. Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. So we,

we opened it up. We did a Facebook event page as comedians go to a petting zoo. So we went like two weeks ago and uh luckily a couple comedians brought their kids so we didn't seem like that much of weirdos but it was fucking cool man it was just outside of frederick maryland like huge fields they had little baby goats that you could hold they had tiny pigs and stuff i think i've maybe been there actually really i think with my nephews a few years ago. Yeah, I forget what it's called, but it was cool. Yeah.

Yeah, like they had a giant Brahma bull, which was cool. What is that? It's just a massive bull. Like his head's like the size of my torso and head, basically. Did it have big whiny horns? No, they had a yak a yak though that did have those i touched them dude how big are freaking moose big because when you see like a moose head yeah like mounted on the wall yeah it's like the size of a dinosaur yeah no it's fucking

are they really that big yeah are they like 20 feet long uh i don't know if they're that long but they're fucking massive. If you watch a video of one, there was one that somebody posted. I think they pulled over because it was snowing too much, and then a moose just runs by in the street. You're like, holy shit. It looks like a monster because there's two feet of snow, and it's just chugging right through it like it's nothing.

I think my brother-in-law had some sort of accident where he hit a moose or something. Now that would total your car. The moose would be like, I'm cool. I'm cool. Like out in the Midwest somewhere. Yeah. But I totally want a pig so bad.

I'm just not home enough to get one. Well, our former guest, Russell Imwald, I believe his name was. Is that his name? Yeah. He had a pig. Yeah? What happened to it? I think he still has it.

Really? He took it to. That's great. Pittsburgh or wherever. The pig factory. Yeah. He took it to Slaughterhouse. It's fine.

Yeah. It's still inside of him. Yeah. Yeah. But that was great. So I would like to go again. I could totally do that as like therapy. Yeah.

End of a long day. Just go and see some pigs and be like, guys, you're not going to believe this shit. But no, they're cute. Cute as shit. They're goats. That's like your diary. Yeah.

Dear piglets. You're like sending letters to the dearest pigs. The letter shows up and they just eat it. Yeah, man. Well, you got to get to your group. So we'll wrap this up here. I did the show with Kurt Bronner last night. How was it?

It was so fun, man. Yeah. At the Creative Alliance. He could not have been nicer. And his wife was on the show, and she went to school in Ellicott City. Nice. So, yeah, it was cool, man. People from the Baltimore Improv Group group came out and uh yeah the

show was really good and uh i felt good about it kurt let me do 15 in the middle of the show which was cool he was like do you want to do 10 or 15 kind of like do you and then he's like do you have 15 it was like i have a solid 14 but that last minute gonna be a little rough yeah we'll just try to run out the clock and he's like okay but he was he was really cool man like he came out and told the crowd he was like that was great give it up and you know like he kind of told that whole story of like he's like yeah he's like you go on the road and sometimes you just don't know what they're gonna be like and he's like give it up for josh he fucking crushed it and i was like oh thank you so much it was yeah it. Do you get on tape? No, no. I wish, but nah.

In the brain. Brain tape. If you want to meet girls, I'll tell you that Michael Ian Black video has done more wonders for me than anything. Really? Oh, fuck yeah, man. That's like totally my go-to

if I want to look cool to anybody. Nah, yeah, I didn't. God, I should have. But it was cool. Like he, I do a bit about Chris Kattan and he referenced that in his set. Nice. Yeah, it was fun.

And then his wife opened the show, and she told a story that involved cocaine, and I called her joke back during my set and stuff. It was fun, man. It was a really fun night. So, yeah, thank you to everybody that came out to that, anybody that's listening. Oh, and real quick, I actually got accused of being too dirty recently. Yeah, how does that work?

By who? A hotel manager, I actually got accused of being too dirty recently. Yeah, how does that work? By who? A hotel manager, I think. What? Where the show was? Yeah. What show is this? Mark Miller put on a show in a hotel. Uh-huh.

And I opened, and I was cut off for being too dirty. Cut off? Well, he had to come tell me, like, you can't be dirty, like, while I was on stage. What was the joke? And I was kind of like, all right, well, I'm done anyway. Was it a clean show? I mean, I was never told that. I guess it was, but I didn't curse or anything anyway.

I may have mentioned self-fallatio once. And how did you say it? In that this place can blow itself i hate it no i um i i i made my joke about uh missing a rib how i'm descended from adam obviously because i fellate myself that's like the cleanest way you can say yeah i fellate myself yeah and then you're too dirty yeah wow i even i even took off the toe in the butt tag because i didn't think it was appropriate i even took off the toe in the butt but isn't that crazy like any other fucking comedian on the planet yeah

would have been like can you think of one person that like has a cleaner set than uh yeah but but still i mean that's still pretty tame for what it is like yeah you're not a dirty comedian yeah like oh i smell a lot of pussy in here a lot of hot gash gash that's my act talk about gash talk about all the fine slit in the room oh why is it like any anything was like any word for like boobs or penis is like funny or balls uh-huh but like when when people use crude words for vagina it like always borders on like disgusting what about turd cutter for butthole that's pretty funny it's pretty good i mean it's not really cutting turds, but... Yeah, it is.

It's cutting them turds. Well, I don't know if you know this. Your turds aren't just lined up in your butt cheeks. It's a factory. And then it just comes out. The butt cheeks squeeze. It's like Play-Doh. Or a cream bag or something. Yeah, exactly.

And your butthole is like a guillotine for poop. And there's a razor wire around it. No, exactly. Your butthole is like a guillotine for poop. And there's like a razor wire around it? No, it just kind of goes just out. Right. And then, yeah. I did always think it'd be fun if there was like butt plugs with like shapes. Like remember the toothpaste that would come out like a star? Yeah.

Like why can't we do that to our butts? Now, for our poop, you mean? Yeah. You don't mean shape your butthole from the butt? The butt plug would not... That's an idea, too. The butt plug would not alter the shape of your butthole. Well, you could do that.

Like, the way people do their ears or whatever. Like, gauging it? Like, stretching? But people don't do shapes. It's still just a circle. Well, maybe they could. You could be, like, a star or something. No.

You could. Why not? How many people have you'd be like a star or something no you could why not how many people have you seen that have a star a nod and that's why I'm saying it should be

I'm saying it should not that it is and that's what I'm saying is the problem with America today yeah you have new ideas I'm a thinker

not a sheep an innovator alright let's let alright let's let's wrap this up here everybody thank you for listening we really do appreciate it

say hi on Twitter and Facebook and all that stuff and we'll talk to you next week alright thanks everybody love ya bye bye

David Kettner take us out Dick Russian Sessions comma to an end. Thank you. We'll keep you posted. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.