The Digression Sessions - Ep. 198 - Umar Khan, Mike Finazzo, & Josh Kuderna (@Umar_A_Khan @TheeMikeFinazzo @JoshKuderna)

Episode Date: September 12, 2016

This week it's Josh, Finazzo, and Josh's new roomie Umie "Umar Khan" on the show! The boys catch up on their week, some movie reviews, and Josh recounts his biggest foot in the mouth comment of his life. Really fun talk!   Umar is a great a comedian and runs a monthly show in Baltimore at Joe Squared the first Thursday of every month. Get tickets to the next one here!   Follow the podcast, Josh Kuderna, and Mike Finazzo on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.  Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram Mike Finazzo - @TheeMikeFinazzo on Twitter The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on iTunes & Stitcher plz!

uh well let's just get started on that story huh you know just just go right into the pod huh no okay okay we'll start over i mean i guess that's what's happening let's do a hard reset no okay uh yeah so uh it is uh the digression sessions everybody thank you for listening me josh kaderna my partner mike finazzo here hey oh and i got my roomie umi hello umar khan sitting in with us um yeah so we uh we're uh we're just podding in the living room the dig sesh hq we got a tiny dog here and uh sipping some coffee at least one of us is and uh it's a good time is it not umar it's a great is it not it's a good time to be alive uh and i'd say a great time uh yeah so uh yeah just just us three boys hanging and banging today and uh yeah me and umar were coming off of quite the nice little date day yesterday oh we had a

quite the day it was so good we got went to the movies yeah got in for free uh-huh because our boy eric glazer shout out to eric glazer is the assistant manager oh my god yeah assistant to the manager to the manager works there yeah and then um so is it the cinemark in towson yeah there's like a billion stairs right right so we show up and uh i'm a little high just me and uh and uh we walk into new mars like look at this shit we're like giggling and then uh eric appears at the top of the stairs dressed like a little kid who like stole his dad's clothes he's wearing he looks cool like he looks cute it was really funny yeah but he's wearing like i would say like just black pants black pants van shoes or whatever yeah he has uh

like a target plaid button down yep with like a 90s just tie that just makes just like a fat yellow a fat yellow tie that has it like sort of like a diagonal design to it. So it's like clashing with the flannel. It's bright yellow and then a jacket on top of that. And he appears at the top of the stairs. Then he just opens his arms for the entire way down the stairs. Yeah, there's like 50 stairs. So much.

He's like, welcome to my kingdom. We're like, yeah, okay. So he hooks us up. We like go past lines yeah he gives us like cups for water well cups for water is not that bad she told us we could use the bathroom we got free water to get stuff from the water fountain he's want. He's like, he didn't make me sit outside with the window cracked down like a doll. Yeah, it was nice. We're like so pushing. We're like, hey, bro,

can I get some popcorn? Well, no. And then he was like, do you guys want popcorn? Like, fucking A, we want popcorn. So we went to go see Heller High Water and yeah, we're sitting there and then Eric comes in like just before the movie starts and he's literally holding a ziploc bag a two gallon ziploc bag full of popcorn

and we housed it way before half the movie yeah and we had a great time oh yeah yeah we came home helped us out with parking which was nice oh yeah Oh, yeah. He hooked us up with validating. That's the word. That's the word. Oh, man. And then we came home. We got drinks at Woodbury Kitchen. Yeah, we sat outside at Woodbury by the chimney.

It was a really nice date day. Then we went to Auto Bar. You did a little guest spot. Had a very okay set. And it was fine. You had a good set. You just had a moment where you just asked people to be quiet. And you got serious.

And the crowd was like, is he serious? And you're like, all right, now it's weird. They're like, is it weird? And then you came out of it fine, though. Yeah. What about you, Mike? Well, I almost went and got high and watched Heller High Water yesterday. Well, that's not what both of us.

I was like, man, I was almost the third wheel with your bro date. Yeah. And now I'm listening to it going, was like man i was almost the third wheel with like your bro date yeah and now i'm listening to it going man i wish i was the third wheel and shared a giant bag of popcorn it was pretty fun that could have so good but then it was also like when you described it to me like yesterday during the attacks i was like that sounds amazing but i also don't want that to be my day yeah because the last time i did those edibles, that was just my life for six hours. Six hours? It was bad. Wait, which edibles did you do?

Well, first of all, thank you for listening to the podcast because I've told the story. God, Umar. Fucking roommate and he runs the whole thing. Yeah. No, so the same edibles. You will show some respect to Mike Moran. You understand? Entourage sucks.

Oh, boy. show some respect to mike moran you understand entourage sucks those so the same edibles josh has i got from andrew at mcgoobies because it was oh ralphie may yeah ralphie may's tour manager yeah yeah yeah and because uh just a quick recap uh ralphie may is like an athlete is sponsored by like nike or under armor he is sponsored by an edible company and he just gets edibles and he had a like a like what would you say like maybe like an inch by an inch or inch by inch and a half if that yeah it's really small just like a tiny square like just like a little taffy like a single taffy thing so well this one's like a square yeah it's like a little like gummy square and uh it's 75 milligrams of indica pot and uh

indica is the in the couch they say which is like the body high and uh 75 is so much like the ones that i get are like 10 milligrams and they're like i don't know maybe like half an inch just a little guy and if i have half of that i'm like i'm pretty high yeah like i remember i ate half of one and uh i was watching netflix and then i was looking out the window for a second i put my hand up against like like just put my hand out and i was just looking at it like through the prism of the window and it's like that looks pretty cool oh i'm very high i'm really high when i did it it was at bagoobies and andrew gave it to me right before my set and like literally 10 or 15 minutes into my set i was just like freaking out and how much of that 75 did you take it was not like were you on the main stage yeah you were i was featuring it was like it was the saturday late show and my opening line really was it was like i just want you all to know i just took an edible but it's gonna be okay

like i'm reassuring these people that don't give a shit and uh like oh that was also the set where people like an argument broke out like because uh like these people got kicked out because they were arguing about the two drink minimum and there was like a screaming match in the lobby at mcgoopies and in the middle of my set i just go do you guys hear that it was like very earnest and genuine and then i just got progressively more high and just like sat in andrew's office he wouldn't let me leave because i was like so fucked up you can't drive yeah and so i just like sat he was right after they shot their web series and i ate like 45 york peppermint patties oh my god and finally terrible from that and then finally when i left

i ended up sitting in a 7-eleven parking lot i bought a jar of peanut butter and i was just eating it with like a plastic fork that i got from 7-eleven and i'm just like texting andrew random shit like thank you for teaching me what love is and and so when you brought up that yesterday i was just like that sounds really fun but i just like can't have that pee by saturday yeah no no we uh i didn't go that hard i mean because yeah how much of the 75 did you take? It was like a really small. I also have like no tolerance.

Right, yeah. I smoke pot for 22 years. But that's the thing, too. It's so tiny. And 75 milligrams, it's so compact, too. You need like a razor to cut off. Yeah, well, that's where I fucked up because his manager gave me one. And you like freaked out in the middle of the night, right?

Yeah, so he gave me one and uh he was like be careful man like you eat one of the man i ate one of those once lasted four days and i was like holy shit so uh so it was friday night the shows were over and i came home i was in a good mood and i was like cool i'm gonna eat some of this edible and like watch something go to bed and uh i should have done what you said umar and like cut it like been very precise and like watch something go to bed and uh i should have done what you said umar and like cut it like been very precise and like broke out like a drafting table light and like really looked at it and i was like i'm just gonna bite into it and i bit like almost half and i was like oh my god that's too much yeah so it's like i gotta go to bed right now like brush my teeth went to bed

and then i woke up at 4 a.m and my skin was vibrating and i was like oh my god i'm so high i know that feeling i like this is the highest i've ever been yeah like that's how and i was like oh my god i'm so high i know that feeling i like this is the highest i've ever been yeah like that's how high i was i woke up and then like i was supposed to do stuff in the morning i was like am i gonna be like this for a while like i have shit to do at like 10 a.m like i'm fucked up and i had to talk myself down to be like it's okay yeah i also remember when andrew gate andrew's owner mcgoobyies is also a giant pothead and he gives me this edible and he's like yeah it's gonna take like 45 minutes and i got so high like 10 or 15 minutes later he goes yeah i guess i outweigh you by 50 pounds and have a tolerance yeah that information would have been helpful at the

beginning of this but yeah his tolerance has to be way more for sure uh but yeah it was a nice little day i like the movie it was okay it was okay it's like it's sort of like um it's definitely got a no country for old men vibe but you get a little more resolution at the end yeah it seems like they watch that and they're like wouldn't it be cool if the bad guy and the sheriff met that's pretty much like the kind of difference well thank you for ruining it for me no problem also like uh what's the the main guy in it the sheriff oh jeff bridges jeff bridges and his uh partner is in uh he's like half comanche yeah mexican yeah and it's like dads wrote their dialogue like they were just the dumbest he just made what were the what were the indian jokes he made uh it's not ben foster is it no ben foster and chris pine are the uh yeah okay uh and then his partner

he's a recognizable guy um i've seen him before i don't know his name though but yeah i think he is like actually native american okay uh but yeah so like jeff bridges is this grizzled uh sheriff ranger on his way out he's gonna retire and like so he's basically the tommy lee jones character exactly yeah yeah but he's but he's a little more lovable and like a little more friendly and stuff but it's him and his indian partner and he's just like yeah i bet you like scalping stuff you know like sort of like on that level i mean it's fine it's fine but it's just like oh it's like such grown worthy yeah but people in the theater liked it yeah yeah they did did you like take a poll afterwards yeah it's not like a laugh out loud comedy it was very silly mike

there were like 12 people there so we could keep an eye on everybody when i go see it i'm gonna order a ticket for hella high water. Hella? Yeah. What a hella high water. That's hella high. Right on. I don't know.

Yeah, so that was pretty much our date day. We did Otter Bar and then we came back here and you passed out pretty early. I went to bed at 10. That's great. Woke up at 9. I went to bed at 10. That's great. Woke up at 9. I went to bed at 2. Then this little piece of shit woke me up at like 7.45. Our lives are so stupid.

Stupid cool. Cool, but also like I've dated people with kids. And I was hanging out with this person and she has two kids, and she was saying, I was just complaining about how tired I am. It was like 2 a.m. I'm like, whew, I am so tired. I'm exhausted. She's like, what did you do?

I was like, I mean, I went running today. And also, I work for schools. We had a half day because of the heat. I'm like, whew. And I'm like, she's a therapist. She sees like 90 clients. I see 13 across all three of my schools. Wow.

And I was like, yeah, I'm just dying, bro. Yeah, it was pretty warm in there. I was sweating a little bit. And the thing is, I showered before I went to work. So I'm like, why did I even shower? And we had air conditioning, but they weren't cranking. They were trying to save money. God.

So annoying. And then Green Day tickets weren't cranking they're trying to save money god so annoying and then green day tickets weren't available and i'm like i was like i was just complaining because i like i'm a morning person like having my mornings and it was like 3 a.m i'm like yeah man i need to go like i i need to like what do you have to do tomorrow i was like i want to get up and read at a coffee shop and she has to like coach her kids soccer game yeah she has to help shape lives i want to get a good table all the biscuits are gonna be gone if i don't get there by 10 a.m god damn it she's treating you like a kid it's like i'll make you breakfast it'll be okay

we'll send you on your way uh yeah and then so you told me to check out other people, and I was going to, but... It's great, man. Did not last night. A couple people came over, and then I ended up drinking beer and playing Grand Theft Auto V like an adult. Yeah.

Yeah. After he put his kids to bed. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, other people is so good. You should check that out too, Ooms. It's the dude... So the guy who wrote and directed it's the head writer for snl uh guy named chris guy tried to tell me a lady's the head writer for snl well no was it you or scott never mind the lady's a head writer for snl some lady isn't it's like not on my watch. Not in this America. We need to make

America great again by having an openly gay guy be the head writer on SNL. Exactly. Yes, this movie Other People, it's really, really good, man. Like if Molly Shannon does not get nominated for an Oscar for this movie. What a weird sentence. Do you think you'd ever say that? I did after Superstar

came out. Yeah. When they're doing the nominees at the Osccars she's smelling they have like the five split screen that would actually be amazing i hope this is all an elaborate setup for her to bring back mary catherine gallagher yeah she knocks over the podium right right um no it's so good it's uh it's like a comedy drama, I guess. Romedy? Yeah, Landry from Friday Night Lights is so good. Yeah, yeah.

And then what was his character's name in Breaking Bad? I forget. Todd. Todd. Yeah. And he was also in Fargo. But great actor. He's so good in this. It's really good.

It's like one of those movies where you're literally cackling because something's hilarious once seen seen and then just bawling. Oh, you got to see that. It really is like one of like the funniest movies you'll see, but it's like so like heart breaking in other parts, but it's so good. Yeah. Anyway, this week's sponsor, other people. You don't say, really.

We have sponsors? Is it available on iTunes? Yeah. Our buddy Eric Gla laser at towson cinemark we'll get everyone in for free ask for him when you go eric man he was uh he was the best peach that guy is a can of peaches literally he's a can of peaches uh yeah what was that like you said somebody you're trying to say somebody's a peach and he said somebody's a can of peaches josh like uses all these old sayings.

Oh, this guy's being such a stick in the mud. Stick in the mud's not old. I'm going to kick the tires. Yeah, he just threw out two of the most common expressions. Nobody in my... I never grew up hearing those things, ever. I mean, I also grew up, you know... Let's hear it.

Abused. In a white i did grow up gay um that was my parents religion is gay they were so progressive they're like you will be gay no so if eddie wants to know about a stick in the body to you oh i hid playboys in my gay porn. Girls sneaking up. I was making all the guys. I swear. Your jokes are yes, homo. Man, tits are pretty cool.

Yes, homo. tits are pretty cool yes homo just kidding um anyway so i wanted to like i was gonna like use this i thought this was a real saying when we were having a conversation i yeah i was like i was just saying uh i mean karen and josh were hanging out and i just kept i kept telling stories about how angry i've been and i looked at Karen. I was like, look, I'm not like an angry dude. Like, I'm a real can of peaches. But I was just trying to say I'm a peach. But isn't can of peaches? Like, that sounds like a real saying.

He's a real can of peaches. Yo, I'm starting it, guys. Hashtag can of peaches. And that's a good thing. Yeah, like, dude, how great is a can of peaches? I mean, it's very sugary. Not that good for you. Women slurp me up like the juice in a can of peaches and that's a good thing yeah like you're like dude how great is a can of peaches i mean it's very sugary not that good for you women slurp me up like the juice in a can of peaches i'm kidding mom and dad i'm totally gay like i hope he's talking about slurping up men that's our boy i hope he hasn't changed at all uh yeah no i don't think kicking the tires is weird.

Kicking the tires is... What does it mean? It's like you're testing something out. Like back in the day when you go to a car lot, you kick the tire. Oh, I've never bought a car like that. Well, yeah, nobody does. Do you kick tires when you bought your new Prius and you kicked all the tires? Yeah, when I started dating Karen, I kicked the shit out of her.

Her nickname nickname still tires i call it good year um like good seven minutes whoa i wish pal i wish um well this just got very dude heavy this podcast well we're just four dudes hanging out right yeah right um yeah stick in the mud also common what does that mean you're just being annoying yeah well where does that come from like why is there mud and stick like well think about it if you're like hey a stick in the mud's coming to the party you're like that's not good i don't want any mud i don't want any sticks yeah but like who gives the shit if mud is on a stick not on on it. It's in it.

This is the worst Seinfeld bit I've ever heard. What is a stick in the mud? I mean, who cares if there's mud on a stick? They're both outside. Oh, he's a stick in the mud. What is that? I can't wait till I get home and Laura's like, what did you guys talk about on the podcast?

It's like, well, Josh explained what the most trite expressions mean. And just getting high. Kind of go hand in hand. Yeah, it's analogous to wet blanket. I don't know what that means. Nobody wants a wet blanket. That doesn't feel good. But what does it mean?

I know wet behind the ears. That's who you're like brand new born, right? So like, oh, what are you, wet behind the ears? Yeah. But a wet blanket like think about it if i gave you a blanket would you like it to be wet no exactly okay you understand so is someone being a wet blanket yes or is this such a somebody is a wet blanket do you use that yeah like you're being a fucking wet blanket right now bro like a i don't know what word to

use that's appropriate like that i'm not gonna get written about. Were you going to say bitch? Why'd you just call him a bitch? I did not. Guys, I was not going to say bitch or cocksucker. Umar's like, why don't you just call me Edward? Isn't that what you're trying to do? And by that, I meant negative Nancy. The double N word. You don't even like to say it.

You're like, nerd or nerd? No, I do not. You're being such an NN right now. Settle down. Sorry, the dog is barking at Umar for getting racist. All right, all right. Okay. Okay, this isn't good.

Oh, no. Come here, buddy. Settle down. Settle down. Where's your bone? You guys, thanks for covering while I deal with the dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Appreciate that.

Thanks for keeping the pod moving. Boo Radley. Mike, what's going on with you, sir? Nothing much, you know. Just watching movies, working on a movie now. Yeah, you're working on the next one. Are we stalling now? Is that what's happening?

No. Oh, okay. Working on a movie, you're going to in it and uh it'll be good josh asked me a question are we stalling yeah is that what this is oh i don't know what happened talk about your movie i was worth a shit um together yeah yeah we're gonna get why we're roomies it's just like that old expression finally proud of me you will shit together um but yeah nothing much is going on i saw war dogs last night what are the what's your thought it was it was good yeah there was uh i was really surprised though it wasn't that many people in the theater because it's been out for a few weeks yeah and we

walk in and there was a you're such a gross piece of shit do you know what that expression means umar i know i can't believe umar burp like there was like a family of like five watching that movie and it's a pretty filthy movie yeah i mean it's about some of the worst people in the world yeah i also just like don't know old were like the kids the oldest one was probably like 10 and then like the youngest was probably like five or six that's that's how old your kids are yeah yeah i have kids now well i mean i adopted them hey come on you still love them though right yeah okay just the idea of like two white little kids calling me umar but like

mr umar oh no you don't call your... What do white people call their step parents? They just call them their first name, right? Usually it's, I hate you. Get out of my room. It's usually, you're not my dad. You don't know shit about shit, Brad. I don't know.

It's just funny. When my stepdad came on the scene we settled on pop really yeah and that's still what i just had like a sit-down meeting yeah we threw out a lot of names like all right let's order chinese food we're not getting anywhere here but that was from like day one uh no not i mean sort of like that's a weird nice to meet you conversation so what the fuck am i gonna call you it's not day one it's like i'm sure that he was like dating my mom for a bit and then when he came around and then like but at first it's like mister right uh probably i might have just called him matt i honestly don't remember it's matt there might be a mister in there yeah yeah i feel like the progression would be mr it also depends how

old the kids are like if you were like 18 and your parents remarried you're not gonna be like i'm not gonna call you mr jeff that's true i still call people's parents when i meet them now like mr and miss yeah that's a weird yeah like i'm almost 30 and it feels weird to be like yeah what's up carol oh i feel like a kid like well and then also in school uh you have to call everyone by their like i just wish people even my kids could call me about my first name but uh because i'm progressive yeah i'm picturing you turning a chair backwards and saying that like look you gotta call me mr khan all right but i wish ac slay i wish you could call me umar guys i wish no but then like... Anyways, I'm gay.

Like when teachers, I'll be in the room and I'll be having a conversation with the teacher. I'm like, hey, so I'm here to check up on... And then she'll be like, excuse me one moment. And she'll just like yell at her. Just go and say, why you guys need to sit down right now? And she'll turn back to me like, so what were you saying? And I feel like I just got yelled at. It's so stupid. But is she like, you will pay attention to Mr. Khan.

Yeah, like stuff like that. Like, we have a guest right now. And I'm like, it's okay. It's okay. I'm barely a guest. I think you guys are not going to go to college if you act this way. I'm like, oh, my God, that's not true. I never even thought that.

I never thought that. You guys are good. Tell the story of what happened. You did a bit about it last night, but where you had to address a bunch of kids recently. Yeah. Because you work in the local school system here in Baltimore. Yeah. I work at a high school.

And the high school, they hired all these people who grew up in the neighborhood. They're like hall monitors and to like make sure everyone's behaving and not skipping classes and these are like older people they're older dudes they're yeah they're like in the 30s 40s the they're very street right so the idea is that like they're community members it's cool to see them in the school and they can relate to the kids the kids get in trouble they have someone who they can talk to it's not like they're not there to punish them but yeah but it's it's also just like it's better to have somebody there they know versus like a random person be like, get to class.

And like, who are you? Totally. Gotcha. So, oh my God, it was so funny. This one guy, like I think he grew up and he got arrested. Then he became a cop. He was like, I think he's had a life. And he found meditation and mindfulness.

And on the first, the day before kids came, he went, he like, he was playing like this YouTube like clip of like some meditation music. And he's just trying to get deep. And he's like, you know, he's like, you know, we just, we're not in the moment here. Like, you know, there's a park outside. How many of you knew that, huh? You got to be aware. I was like, I think we all saw. Like, I think we have eyes. Who's seeing this wall right here?

Anybody? And then he goes, he's like, look, there's a lot of beautiful women. And I'm not going to name names, but there's a lot of beautiful women in here. And from what I can see in your eyes, there's nothing behind them. I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. He just keeps going. You're silently judging me.

I see it, and that's okay. That's all right. I'm not dead inside like you, Miss Jeffries. He's like, you got to live in the moment. I know you're a beautiful woman. You're not living in the moment. And you replace it with promiscuity, drugs. I was just like, what?

What a great guided meditation like what all right now let's all just close our eyes and be happy it sounds like somebody in the room like like he tried to hit on a chick and she didn't give him his number and he's like okay all right you got you're dead behind the eyes

so I was like holy and then I was like who's he talking about like totally this girl right here. She's a blind girl. She didn't know there was a park. How many of you knew there was a park? I died. Well, what's the one that you did a bit about last time?

These hall monitor guys. There was an assembly and the staff had to be there because they were going to introduce us to the freshmen. So it was like 300 kids or something crazy. And I got scared. I got nervous because I didn't know what – because these dudes, when they were being introduced, they had so much confidence.

Just like that black dude confidence. You know on stage, like black comics, even if they are brand new, they can like they can walk the stage they walk the stage they reintroduce themselves because the hosts that do a good enough job dude they'll be bombing and you could never like just on their face it never shows yeah like ever and so the they introduced the first guy he's mr dav. Davis. He goes up. He's like, first things first. You got to show respect to earn respect.

And I was like, oh, my God. Sounds like scared straight. Yeah, it was like that. And I was like, why are we being aggressive? It's the first day of school. Tom Segura's bit. What you in here for? Stealing bikes.

Bikes. And then the second guy, Mr. guy mr hurt this guy's name is literally mr i'm gonna take a picture with this guy oh please do he's the best he's there he's so nice but he goes up and he's like he's like he's like i grew up in this neighborhood he's like my job here to make sure you don't get killed i was like oh my god he's like so don't cross me we're gonna be good i was like holy crap i'm picturing like a dude with like ripped sleeves but he still has a tie like looks like a wrestler almost man he has like a white beard he's just like this dope and then and then i'm next like hey uh this is mr khan our school psychologist i'm like uh if you guys

want to talk about your feelings i was telling telling you, you should have yelled it. Like, you want to talk about feelings? I'm here to keep you alive. Like, you had a bad day. I got some coloring books in my office. So stupid. You want to color? I can give you a feelings chart. And so next time you're angry, you can point to it.

Like, cool. Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Con. Oh, I also messed up saying my name i like because i was so nervous i was like ah mr khan and one girl yelled what's your name i was just like oh my god she just owns you in that moment literally this is how i answer i I was like, I'm Mr. Khan. Mr.

Oh, man. Kids are probably like, man, this guy doesn't know shit. How old are these kids? They're like 14, 15. Some of them could have been like 17. That's kind of terrifying, though. Oh, it's so scary. But thank God it's mostly women.

That was my alarm to wake up. Yeah. 12, 10. Yeah, it's cool, man. Okay. All right. Yeah. Okay. My job is dumb. when you say fucked up your name i was like did you say the wrong name and then you're just like sticking to that because you're too embarrassed to call my name is jessica oh man and all years like hey miss jessica thanks for teaching me about my feelings i guess i gotta roll with this now i'm dead inside guys guys. Sorry. Hey.

Sorry, the dog's being a weirdo. It's always weird when dogs do that. You've been here for, what, like 40 minutes, Finazzo? And then he's like, hey, who are you? Now he picks a moment to take a stand. Yeah, while we're recording. Very unprofessional. While on the sort of topic of drugs.

What? Great transition here. So Josh, you got a story about drugs, don't you? I do actually. Thank you, Mike. Wow. Uh, so, uh, oh, my friend Scott, he gets, uh, some, uh, some, uh, chocolate mushrooms. It's like they're mushrooms that are like basically baked into like little chocolate things that sort of look like a little like little fat Reese's Pieces and he got

some for his friend and uh he brought them to Baltimore to give to his friend but uh he's staying at his mom's house so he put them in the freezer and he was like hey mom these are what's in the freezer they're special chocolates like not hey, mom, these are what's in the freezer. They're special chocolates. Not saying exactly what they were, but just say it. Implying sort of like they're weed. Don't eat them. And he goes home, and he's going to get them to give to his friend. And he noticed one's missing.

And he texts his mom about it. And he's like, yeah, your stepdad took one. And they went to a 60th birthday party that night and he had no idea what he took why would he eat just a random thing in the fridge well i think he thought it was like a pot thing so he's like oh it should be fine so uh i texted scott about it uh this morning i was like what happened because he didn't know like he couldn't get a hold of him because both of them didn't have their phones on them so he couldn't text them and be like hey watch out you're in for a terrible time so uh he said i was like what happened and he said uh he

just thought he was having a heart attack then he said my mom told him it was weed chocolate then he laughed then he got pissed then he laughed again can you imagine accidentally taking mushrooms and you're at like a 60th birthday party? Oh, my God. I don't think I ever want to take mushrooms. Oh, you've never taken them? No. You'd have fun. Really?

Yeah. It seems so scary. Not really. I mean, you could start with a little bit, too. Yeah. Someone. Oh, well. There's a person in the comedy scene who always has mushrooms.

Like, oh, like one time before a set. Speaking of, how is Tommy doing? No, different person. Is Chris Milner doing okay? No, but he just pulled out, like, I was about to go up on stage. He's like, hey, bro, you want some shrooms before you go up? I was like, no, that sounds like the worst idea. He's like, oh, I always go up on stage on shrooms. I was like no that sounds like the worst idea he's like oh i always go up on stage on

shrooms i was like what wow well you can take just like a couple caps that'll just make you feel a little like goofy not to the point where you're like hallucinating so i don't know that so scares me man this is like this is fucking with your brain yeah so does everything though i don't do anything you know oh yeah that's right you're so pure i'm so i'm do beer bro i'm is that your rapper name yeah okay all right then okay um yeah man but so yeah so far like this week has been uh pretty pretty good uh did did a bunch of stand-up i did that show at the wine source oh how did that go josh who was on that show i think chris lambert's headline yeah i think you open with 30 minutes that's right i

think pd steel was on that oh my god follow or swallow it was a good show you know it was a great show packed and that's all i have to say no uh there were six people there was a very reasonably priced show yeah it's a little. So it was on the first night football was back, which I didn't realize. And tickets were $15 a piece. And I got there closer to showtime. And Chris and Petey got there before me. And this is obviously their first stand-up show. Because when they came in, the owner goes up to him and he's like,

Hey, do you guys travel with your own microphones? You guys have microphones in the car, right? And they're just like, no. So the guy had to get somebody to go find a microphone at some other restaurant down the street or something like that. Do you think that guy was embarrassed to ask that question? No, not at all. He probably had no self-awareness. Ins to ask yeah just nothing um but yeah there were six people there it was uh it was a fun time though like they were they were cool uh but pd was uh pd was hosting

and so he's trying to engage the six people of course and he goes up and he's like all right all right cool we got you know we got we got a small crowd but a good crowd nice looking couple up front oh you're his stepmom okay all right it's awesome that happens yeah like gold oh yeah i was dying laughing and they were they were really cool about it too she was just like no no no no no that's a compliment for her insult for the dude big time big time he should have doubled down be like what's a compliment for her. Insult for the dude. Maybe big time. He should have doubled down. Be like,

what's up? Oedipus. So you could still be dating. Yeah, that's true. Hey, if Pornhub has taught me anything, all stepmoms want to do is fuck their stepchildren.

And stepbrothers be fucking their stepsisters. Stepdad's brothers and sisters too. Absolutely. Why is that every new porn category? It's like the new taboo. And also, too, it's like the brother will catch the sister doing something. Yeah, something that he's like, I'm going to tell mom and dad. She's like, well, what if I suck your dick?

He's like, okay. That's how all siblings settle their rivalries. Like she broke a vase. He's like, well, you got a book. I was really proud of this. I tweeted the other day. I was watching the pornography. The pornography. And the girl who is a step

daughter in one video was the stepmother in another video. And I was like, what a versatile character actor. She is. That lady is Daniel Daly Yeah, exactly. Daniel Day-Lewis of porn. Yeah. That girl, she's like the Cate Planchette of taboo handjobs or whatever.

She's a real chameleon. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, my God. Step-grandma on the next one. She's like so... She's like a method. She just like hangs out with step-mom. Yeah, she's really good.

She's going to try to sweep the AVN awards, you know. Oh, hell yeah. You got to get serious about that stuff. I'm going to host. My comedy goal is to host the AVN awards. I think you could do it. No. I'd like to see that.

That would be awful. Your parents would be so happy. My parents are in the audience. They're so happy. Those are the porn awards. Then your mom's just like, let me do a set. Let me get some time so inside well okay yeah so you host a monthly show here in baltimore it's the first

thursday of every month at joe square it's called gin and jokes gin and jokes and uh your parents were coming to every show for a while my mom and dad came to every show they recently tapped out though right they stopped coming because i uh you know i'm a single gentleman and i talk about my i don't know about that last part but yeah sure oh the the gentleman yeah i'm single and i'm a savage i'm single and uh and uh i you know i date a lot and i was talking i talked about it on stage and I told a story about hooking up and my parents. So I'm gaping this chick's butthole.

Yeah. And they're like, you're lying, you're gay. Our poor boy. Our son is gay. Your mom's like sobbing. Like my faggot son

doesn't have sex with women. He should be choking on cum. Who is this? It's not my little boy anymore. Well, I try to be very subtle about it um you know i try to be delicate because i knew my parents in the audience yeah and uh but i and i'll try to use words like they don't know so like like butthole or proud so um like i was telling the story of my i felt bad because i bailed on my parents

to go like on a date and my mom called me or my mom texted me and i just said i don't know just like i was like hey mom or i was like mom i'm trying to smash you know and like you know the audience all those hilarious only because like then the cop, my parents are there. Yeah. My parents have no idea, hopefully, what smash means. I don't think they can use context clues to decipher. Your dad just gives you a thumbs up. They're just like, okay. Yeah.

So, but yeah, so they don't come anymore. So my mom stopped coming because I told a story about hooking up with this white girl who thought I was too hairy and stopped seeing me. So I'm getting body waxed now. now yeah and it's going great my love life has increased exponentially that would hurt so bad i've done it before twice where my i got my whole chest stomach and back waxed oh i stopped doing it because i each time i got a staff infection oh how do you were you bleeding do you have to like have a cut to get a staff dude you do it with a professional to get a staph infection?

Dude, if you do it with a professional, it doesn't hurt. The first time I did it, my aunts, they own a salon. They're like, yeah, we'll do it for you. And then I show up and they're like, oh, we've never done this. And it was brutal. It was. Wow. So I thought I got a staph infection because they just didn't know what they were doing.

Okay. So then I paid like $120. And I'm like 20 years old, guys. Yeah. And then I paid like $120. I I'm like 20 years old, guys. And I paid like $120. I went to some place in Columbia, Maryland. The chick was gorgeous. And it was embarrassing.

And she tried to make me feel better. She was like, no, don't worry. Most of my clients are Greek men. And I was like, okay. I've seen hairier buttholes than this. She's like, I've seen hairier buttholes than this. So she went, dude, just so just so good so quick didn't hurt and um and i was like all right sweet this is great this is gonna be the rest of my life once a month i'm gonna get waxed which looking back on it i probably look so silly i was gonna

say because i've no hair on my chest yeah back and stomach stomach, but just the hairiest legs. Yeah, it's got to look like you're wearing the opposite of a sleeveless shirt. Because you just have no hair in your midsection and your arms. But I was pretty cut back then. Sure, sure. So, Jesus Christ. And so I got staph infection again. And I remember I went to a pediatrician until i was like 24 because i was just too lazy to fill out paperwork at a new doctor you know you have to fill out like

your history and all that so i didn't want to do it your social security number who knows that so i remember like i pulled up my shirt and i've never seen a doctor do this he goes and i was just like, oh, yeah. He's like, what did you do? And then he laughed at me. Amazing. And so I just, now I just manscape, guys. Does that itch like crazy when it's coming back?

Yeah, it does. Oh, boy. And then also, like, it's very sharp, like hair is super sharp. It's just, oh, it was brutal. But, you know, most women except with the exception of this one a woman yeah just very explicitly was like i literally told me i can't handle hairy guys yeah that's literally the text she sent me she was mildly racist as well i don't think she was racist mildly you think do you think do you think thinking all black women look alike is racist? Okay, yeah, I stand corrected. Yeah, she's not racist, right? Or that like when I told her I work at a high school, the first question, she's like,

oh, has anyone tried to sell you weed? I was like, oh my God. And then another thing she said, she's like, did you buy a gun? I was like, what the hell? You're like, no, but Mr. Hurt gave me one. I'm going to keep you alive. Dumb. Yeah, she sounds cool. You should gave me one. I'm going to keep you alive. Dumb. Yeah.

Yeah. She sounds cool. You should track her down. What's the worst thing a woman has said to you guys? Oh, it's too big. And I'm like, oh, okay. Here we go again. Here we go again.

I don't think. Man, your lives are perfect. Yeah. Anything like physically I've never. Not physically. Or just. What do you mean? Anything rude or mean that like oh man um you got like messed up teeth you know says who just bought my hand in front of me no do not uh let's see uh fuck i'd have to think

about it i haven't spoken to a woman yet so i'm still waiting i figured i've got 31 to your ex-girlfriends no yeah i don't either people who do that is just like it is a little weird too weird man i can't think of anything i recently uh told a girl a terrible thing about her. Did I tell you this? Which what? Went to Rocket the other night. Oh yeah, you did tell me.

But say it. You gotta let people know this story. Alright, then we'll wrap up here pretty soon. This will probably end up in our movie that we're working on. Oh yes, yes, yes. Went to Rocket to Venus and you went to went to rocket to venus and uh tell the story you went to rockets of venus and what happened i ran into a friend what did your friend look like a dude is he a talented

i don't know. How am I supposed to know? He's just a guy. Was he in the movie Driven to Succeed? God damn it. So he's there. He's with a lady. We don't know the relation.

And a thing that I do when I see adults with braces is I like to be like hey me too you know just to be like hey we're in this together solidarity right and uh i thought that she had recently got like similar braces that i have the ceramic ones and i was like hey i like your braces she goes i don't have braces i just have stained teeth and i was like oh oh buddy okay really whiffed on that one i don't have braces i have stained teeth and i felt so bad and uh uh my friend the guy was dying laughing he's like it's okay it's really

it's fine and then i later apologized i apologized profusely that night and then like a few days later she's like really it's fine it's fine. It's okay. You're like, I don't have braces either. I just have stained teeth. Anyway, see you later. I just run away. So that was my embarrassing story for the week. I'm no expert on these sayings, but it sounds like you were real stick in the mud in that conversation.

Oh, my God. You were really a can of peaches covered in shit, weren't you? Yeah, just a can of spoiled peaches covered in shit. Weren't you a basket of deplorables? Yeah, I was. A wet blanket. I was a big wet blanket. Yeah, I remember I told you that story the night it happened.

You, like, fell over laughing. Oh, my God. I couldn't handle it. Who says that to somebody? I thought it was a compliment. I know. I was trying to, to you know have something common yeah uh what about uh last night we were at autobar and uh they're doing my god put the picture online okay they're doing some photo series uh like they'll have like a local artist uh i guess like

put up their paintings or their pictures all around uh the upstairs auto bar and uh umar and i were talking and then i was like looking at a picture and it's like what is that it's a uh and i was like oh dude what is that like in the middle of the conversation it's like dude and i'm gonna show it to you finazza and you tell me what that is that's a butthole or a vagina jesus hanging from it different it's a it's a bent over woman like a close-up of her bent over ass and then uh rosary beads hanging out of her vagina connected to a crucifix you know you've seen one vagina with a rosary coming out of it you see it at all right yeah but as i was bored by it yeah it's like i've been there done that and i'm an atheist but this is a little much

right no i mean i don't understand what the message is exactly i don't either is your vagina seeping her dead lord is that what it's saying i think it's just something to shock people maybe it's like virgin birth, maybe. Maybe that's a stretch. Are we the dudes who should decipher the meaning of art, us three? Yeah, absolutely. Also, art. Are we going to use the term art?

That's art. Yeah. Okay. All right. Okay. What would you call it? Fucked up. I don't know, man.

I literally think it means nothing and it's just shock people yeah okay i'll go with that right yeah i'll go with that i mean we can like think of something cool like uh here we go um you know like uh yep here we go i don't got i got nothing guys you left me hanging like jesus out of a pussy But it's got like a really pretentious name, like Crucifix Queef or something. The Crucifix Queef. All right, well, let's go out on that unless you have any poop or butthole story.

Can that be the name of the show, Crucifix Queef? You bet. That's our band or our improv troupe. Dope. Plugs. Yeah, let's plug some stuff. Who are you first? October 6th, I'm doing another gin and jokes at joe squared

yeah five bucks find tickets online nice yeah and it always sells out too which is great yeah we increase capacity though so oh that's good yeah yeah it's one of the it's such a good venue for uh comedy too like in that basement there it's nice there's a bar good food yeah who's the headliner um lafayette right right i love that you know my lineups yeah and i do and then on the 15th i'll be hosting for my buddy liz mealy uh at the draft house in arlington in october as well no this uh 15th of next week this next Thursday. Nice. Fonazo? Well, October 6th, don't go to Umar's show.

Go a few blocks over to the Charles Theater and see our movie, Wit's End. Which is a part of the what? The Baltimore International Black Film Festival. Huh?

Yeah. That's great. Yeah. This guy. The career path I expected to take. Absolutely. I'm picturing you

wearing a dashiki for the Q&A. Mike just has to go up in front of the audience and introduce his film like, I'm here to talk about your feelings, guys. Yeah, yeah. I'm just going to be like, kill, kill the white man. Kill, kill, kill.

That would be so amazing. Yeah. Just like polite clapping. Yeah, so go see that. if you're in new york maybe see our movie at the bush oh yeah i didn't get to the bottom of that so what's up are they gonna add you again we're still well it's like this long bullshit thing okay so basically our movie didn't show was it on the website or anything but you were told prior it's like you've been accepted yeah we got two different acceptance emails they sent me like the official like laurel that you put on your movie poster that says an official selection of the bushwick film festival

right and so i didn't see like a listing for our movie or anything so i just like called i didn't get an answer i emailed to get an answer and i called again on friday yeah and there and the girl was the girl's really nice she was like we're gonna have our programmer call you shortly because there's an issue whoa and then the guy calls me back like an hour later and i'm at work and the guy's like yeah so i'm gonna be honest we have a lot going on here and we kind of forgot about your movie we kind of forgot about your movie yeah and i'm like all right so what does that mean he goes so we're gonna work it in and i'm like it's not like a guest spot like it's a 90 minute feature film like how are you gonna work it in right and he's like we're gonna play it we don't know where or what time

or what day but it's going to be playing it might not be the most ideal i'm like man you're really making me fired up for this festival so just's going to be in the Panera. It's going to be the Panera in Brooklyn. On some guy's laptop. Huddle around. That's that. Still, this October 6th here in Baltimore at the Charles. That's a great venue.

Now you'll have had it on the Senator screen. And the Charles. That would be awesome. You know what guys? Fuck my show. Go to the movie. There movie there it is they're gonna be people going to your show your show sells out every month they're not even gonna be people that would come to our movie anyway because they're racist and i'm just kidding uh i was white we were just i don't know how that came out as like venomous when we were just talking about the Black Film Festival. I do know. You're feeling hate and rage. Well, fuck you and your sheet. Wow.

Oh, my God. All right. Well, plugs took a dark turn. Yeah. Oh, dark turn? Racist. I don't think you had to say that. What about you, Kedern?

I will be at the DC Improv this Thursday for their open mic, which is a really good show. It's free. Go to that. And I thinkay i'll be doing something in dc as well i forget what that is um uh rag time on wednesday and then i will be at mcgoobies at the uh towards the end of october it looks like nice and i'll keep you posted on that is that uh i think uh andrew emailed me about it i haven't emailed him back but it looks like it is october

20th through the 23rd yeah hold on your dick josh here we go i'm featuring the 30th for 20th i'm sorry the 20th yeah for gilbert godfrey is the thursday like i'll be hosting that show don't fuck this up you i'm on it and then the rod man will be there i'm not gonna be on those shows why not oh i don't know why. No, because I think, no, it was a weird thing where Rodman brought his own feature and then Andrew asked me

if I wanted the feature for Gilbert Godfrey, so I did that. Gotcha, gotcha. Yeah, it looks like I'll be there. That may, I think I can do that, though. So, yeah. The biggest thing, though, I want people to go to the Facebook page

for the Dig Sesh and say hello, put comments and all that stuff. I like hearing back from people, like what they think about episodes and all that stuff. It's always really cool. Guest suggestions. Yeah, anything. I like it. Just say hi.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you can say hi on Twitter at Dig Sesh Pod. On Twitter and Instagram, I am at Josh Coderna. You're on Twitter at TheMikeFanasa. That's correct and yeah digressionsessions.com has everything all the episodes are on iTunes and Stitcher and all that stuff and

we'll release a little mini ep this week as well with Chris Lamberth and Petey Steele because we did a little review of the game film after the show this past week at the wine source so yeah it was good but uh guys this has been fun yeah right yeah yes everybody's just walking away looking at you yeah you know

okay all right hey let's end on a high note huh no okay i don't know digression sessions coming to an end. Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah