The Digression Sessions - Ep 2. The Interview Episode with Chris Carman

Episode Date: September 2, 2011

The lovely hosts of Digression Sessions, Mike Moran and Josh Kuderna, accuse each other of being homosexuals for an hour. And Chris Carman delves deep into the hosts beautiful brains with probing and poignant questions.

🎵 Oh shit, you got messed up now. Oh, shit. You got messed up now. Oh, shit, son. You got a whole shit storm raining on your face. We know what the time is. We know precisely what the time is in all different time zones. What time is it? Yeah, I don't have my watch.

4.30 p.m. according to my cell phone. Eastern Standard, right? That sounds great, Mike. Yeah, I think that's right. Okay, good. What's going on, people? We understand how much you loved that first episode i just want to say i don't care who is this guy who's this guy who me no no i know you my mike right uh hold on one second

um let can we can we pause while i check yeah let's take a break Okay What are we pausing from? We're on a break A break Okay, yeah, it is Mike All right, and we're back Oh, yeah, did you miss us? Josh Hello, Mike and Josh

Who is this guy that keeps talking? Nice to see you guys We've got a guest here today to commemorate the second episode. I'm really happy to be here. We decided to bring in someone to interview us. Yeah, the first episode went so well that... I didn't think so. Well, you're in the minority.

That's okay. I accept that. so. Well, you're in the minority. That's okay. I accept that. Okay. All right. Well, I think in the next segment we're going to get to the interview, but for right now let's just say our howdy-dos and how-are-yas. Howdy-do, Mike. Could you actually ask me a how-are-ya?

I think I'd be a little more comfortable with that. Oh. Sorry. How are you, Mike? I'd be a little more comfortable with that. Oh. Sorry. How are you, Mike? I'm okay. You? Good. I'm good.

I'm great. Well, I think it's the proper way to say it. Okay. We're going to get into semantics already. We can edit it later. How are you doing, Josh? Great. No.

Josh, well. Sorry. All right. Here we go. Here we go. Okay. That was great. All right. We're on fire so far, I think. Yeah, we really are. Let me check to make sure the equipment... It's okay. Even though we're on fire,

I bought such nice equipment that I think it's going to be okay. Good. I like this new microphone stand. You like that? Yeah, I like it a lot. That's actually an old one. Oh.

I don't mean to break down that. That's okay. I don't really like it that much. I was just trying to give you a big hand. We talked about this on the last podcast. I need you to be honest. Okay. What would you like to know, honestly?

What are you thinking about right now? Candles, because I'm staring at one. Since last week's podcast, what have you... A lot has happened. A lot has happened. Like what? A week has passed. Right.

I went to work a few times. Right. Which was good. Just started watching the miniseries John Adams. My dad's in that. Historical drama. My dad's in that. Historical drama. My dad's in that. Your dad is Paul Giamatti?

No, but my dad is a very visible extra in many, many scenes. Really? Yep. He does extra work whenever they shoot in Virginia near where he lives. Was he in Ricky Gervais' show Extras? No. But he's in War of the Worlds. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Can we acknowledge that Tim Allen just walked in the room? I think we should be nice. Oh, hey, Tim. I don't think so. He's leaving. He's leaving. Tim Allen's going to be a guest on next week's show. He showed up a little early.

What did Tim Allen say when he entered the white supremacist meeting? What? More white power. Very good. Thank you. Very good. All right. That's pretty good.

That's pretty good. You got any more Tim Allen racist jokes? No. Maybe that should be the name of the podcast. Tim Allen racist jokes. I don't think so, Josh. That might be a good name, too. And then we'll just take a picture of us.

I'm raising up my hands like maybe. And you have this scornful look. Josh the tool man. And Mike, what splannel shirt is he wearing today? We just fashion ourselves after Tim and Al. And then Chris, I think you could be

the neighbor. You could be a good Heidi. I think you should play Pamela Anderson playing Heidi, actually. I don't know if I can accept this role. That sounds kind of just ridiculous and beyond the scope of what I can provide. Well, how about Wilson? Sure, maybe I could do a Wilson.

Remember that time that the... What was it with ABC sitcoms and the Beach Boys just stopping by and doing a song? I don't know. I think it was just pure commercialism. All right, Chris, I'm going to need you to get right up on that mic. Okay, I'm getting right up on this mic. There you go. You're not really.

If you're going to be here, be here. Okay? Okay, am I reading a Zen philosophy? It's almost like you're here, but you're not here. Right. I don't ever say that to you at work. Anyway, I think that I was appointed to interview you guys, and so that's my purpose. We haven't gotten to that segment yet.

Well, that's the thing. This was the opening segment. You've kind of just railroaded the whole fucking thing. Oh, I'm sorry I ruined the opening segment. What do you guys, do you guys have anything? You pretty much, this would be like Wilson coming and giving advice in the first act. Right. And not even in the backyard.

It's like he's just walked in. He walks onto the tool time set. Unsolicited. Before Tim even destroys anything. Hasn't even got a good joke about fucking being a man. Yeah, that or. Well, we can pretend like we're in the backyard. And we can pretend. I don't know backyard and we can pretend i don't know i mean

comedy is about imagination so here hold on hold on okay so you know i know you guys are used to like okay you got to get right up on that mic i know you guys are used to sequential like comedy as you're dictating in terms of your sense of tool time. We're just going to pretend like there's a picket fence. Come to me with your woes. We're going to come to you with our woes in the next segment.

See, that's what I'm saying. I don't agree with the sequential thing. It can just happen any time. I don't think we asked you to come here to be sequence manager. Right. We don't need a producer. Maybe we need a producer, just not you as the producer.

Okay. Agreed. Okay, great. Well, we'll get back to you soon. I think we're going to get back to you. You hang tight. Okay. Keep that mic close to your mouth.

Got you. All right. Well, actually, not now because we don't want you to talk. Okay. Keep that mic close to your mouth. Got you. All right. Well, actually, not now, because we don't want you to talk. Right. I know. I was kind of hanging in the cut waiting for you guys to get to that. But you forced this microphone into my face. Well, you started talking first.

If you're going to start to talk, you can't just be back here. Okay. Fair enough. Fair enough. Carry on. Carry on. Okay. Thanks.

Now, where were we? Yeah. I think we were talking about Tim Allen. Tim Allen. Yeah. He was in Toy Story recently, correct? Toy Story 3? Right.

Yeah. Toy Story 3 is a tearjerker. I've never seen any of the Toy Story films. I know. I should put that on my Netflix queue. I understand. Mike, you know these mics are recording what you say. People are going to hear it.

What? Yeah. Yeah. These microphones are connected to a mixer, which runs to input, which runs to this computer. Speak English, Josh. Your mom's going to hear this. Oh, great. Number one fan, Miss Moran.

Hi, Mom. So the Toy Story trilogy. Yep. I understand they're rated 100% or near 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. Right. The thing is, I caught the first one when I was younger. I think about... When else would you have caught it, Josh?

When you were older? Yeah. You can catch up to movies later. It's not like you have to see every movie. You said, I saw it when I was younger. That's kind of redundant, isn't it? Oh, well, yeah. I mean, if you're going to get really technical.

I saw it when I was older. Well, I meant to say, you cut me off. So I'm just going to say my connection with these movies. So basically, yes, every day you're younger. If I saw a movie yesterday, I said, oh, I saw it when I was younger. I guess that would fit into what your your paradigm you cannot have seen a movie without having seen it when you were younger what if i seen it in the future you can't that's a paradox all right welcome to the closed-minded podcast mike moran the man in the box Captain Buzzkill Anyway, I saw it when I was younger When I feel like those movies were geared towards

That audience of younger people And I missed the second one I was like, too old for this Who cares? Woody gets a girlfriend? Yeah, right, whatever And then the third one came out Getting even with dad

Yeah, my dad was a big Toy Story fan He really wanted to take me to see Toy Story 2 And then the third one came out. Getting Even with Dad. Sorry. Yeah, my dad was a big Toy Story fan. He really wanted to take me to see Toy Story. No, no, I was referencing the Macaulay Culkin movie, Getting Even with Dad, with Ted Danson as his father. Sorry, continue. No, no, no. Do you want to talk about that? That's all I got for that one.

I mean, he brought it up, so it's got to be important. He had like a blonde mullet that I saw in the theater. Really? Yeah. Is it like a horror movie? Like a movie he did with elijah wood where he's just a real asshole no that one was creepy though i loved that when i yeah when he threw that dummy off the highway that was a real that was a real 90 degree to like all of a sudden elijah wood and macaulay caulkin are involved in this murder movie what macaulay caulkin is the biggest dick yeah i love i loved that movie when i was a kid

i thought it was like thrilling yeah it was done really well uh party monster is really good you know i was kind of disappointed i read the book and i was so like disgustingly fascinated with it but i was a little disappointed with the film adaptation i loved manson's character in that though yeah yeah it's the transvestite yeah i don't think he said's character in that, though. Yeah, yeah. It's the transvestite. Yeah. I don't think he said a word in that whole movie. Yeah, besides like, ah. But his acting was really spot on with that. Yeah, when he was driving that 18-wheeler.

But anyway, Toy Story 3, solid. Really good. Really good. Done really well. Have you seen the second one? No. I was a little lost. So you skipped two. Yeah.

And you were lost. In the third one, but I caught up. I was a little lost. So you skipped two? Yeah. And you were lost? In the third one, but I caught up. I caught up pretty good. I think you don't have to see them sequentially to know really. Okay, well yeah, any really good movie, you can usually just see the, you know, each entry and you'll

be caught up. If we had any listeners at this point, how many do you think have stopped listing uh probably both of them okay you're talking about you and i just like this is boring i can't believe we did this all right why don't we take a break and then we'll bring in our guest for an interview that's the plan right. Alright, we'll be right back. Oh, actually, I think we're going to hear from our good friend Leviticus. I think he was going to stop by. Oh, really? Yeah.

Alright. Alright, so here's a word from our friend Leviticus. Woo-wee! Hey, y'all it's me your good friend leviticus or levi for short bringing you my famous rule number nine do not have sexual relations with your sister either your father's daughter or your mother's Whether she was born the same home or not Now back to you, Mike and Josh. And we're back. All right. Thank you, Levi.

I really appreciate that guy. Yeah, he's great. Lending his time like that. Yeah, he's really generous. He's really selfless, too. He could have just taken those rules from God and just kept them for himself. But no, he shared them. Right.

Right. Tirelessly. Seems like that's what he's always talking about. He made that, I think, his life. Do you think there's other writings of Leviticus that focus on other stuff? Yeah, probably stuff that he was mad at. He's probably really bad at math. He's like, you will not do addition.

It is detestable. Let me ask you this. If you were in the position of some ancient holy man like that, I don't know what the hell Leviticus was. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What position? Come on, guy. No homo. No homo.

Hit me with the sound effect. Thank you. That's good. Thank you. Okay, so it seems like a lot of these rules were just made up over what the holy person did or didn't like. Right. Now, were you in that position and you felt like your tastes were divinely inspired

and that they should be imposed upon the population? What would you impose? Probably shirt in public all the time, probably. Okay, that's a good one. Let me see. We were talking about rent. I think off mic we were talking about rent. You should be on time with your bills.

Right. You think that should be written into the Bible? Yeah. Also, if somebody's holding the door for you, you should hold the door as well, like a nice gesture. When somebody's holding the door, you don't just walk right through. I don't think they had swinging doors like that in biblical times. You don't think so? I don't think the hinge was created at that point in history.

I'm pretty sure in the Bible, when Jesus gave that famous speech on the hill, he went through a sliding glass door. And one of those rotating glass things, he got stuck in it for a minute. Everybody was about to leave. Don't you always feel like you're about to be dismembered for a split second in those things? No. When you walk out, it doesn't feel like it's going to smash your arm.

Depending how big they are. Some are pretty small. I don't like the ones where just you can fit and just barely. Yeah. You feel like you're definitely being shepherded towards your death. Right. I feel like I can't get out of it quick enough my finger's going to get shattered

in the spinning door well that's the thing, usually it's in buildings where you've got to move quick right, and that's no good because what if I can't get out in time I could be killed I don't think you're suited to be a CEO can I interrupt?

no, no, most revolving doors have emergency breakthrough doors, so you can just bust your way out. They're meant to break. And so if you're stuck in it, you can just bust them out. I know this because... No, it's true. It's true. I know this because I go in and out of hospitals all the time.

Not because I'm crazy, but because I escort people that are crazy. Anyway, continue. Thank you, Chris. Yeah, thank you. Well, I think that's a good spot to jump right into the interview section. I think so, too. All right, should we just hop right in? You want to take a break?

Let's take a quick break after this message. To record your message, press 2. Hey, it's Chad from work again. Just calling you back one more time. Still wondering where you are, buddy. Yeah, hope everything's okay. Please let us know what's going on ASAP. Thank you.

All right, we're back. All right, we're back. All right, we are back. All right, so who is this gentleman? I think you know him better than I do. We have my good friend of approximately 15 years. Really? Uh-huh. Since 10th grade.

Wow. Oh. That's not him. Your friend's a dog? Well, in some ways. Oh, my. That was Munza. My good friend and roommate. Hello.

I think I just kicked a wire. Kick the old wire. Oh, you stopped watching The Wire? Yeah, got off it finally. Those DVDs are addictive. Tell me about it. My good friend Chris Carman is here. Chris Carman, welcome to the bow guy.

Hey, Sam. Hey, everyone. Hello. Look at that. You got some fans out in the audience. That's so fantastic. But I guess since you guys are doing this podcast, I think that's absolutely fantastic,

and you're putting yourselves out there. Thank you. So I guess we can start with, like, what since you guys are doing this podcast, I think that's absolutely fantastic. And you're putting yourselves out there. Thank you. So I guess we can start with like, what do you guys what is the purpose behind this podcast? What are you guys trying to like get out to the masses? I think we're more just we appreciate comedy. And I think we like dicking around. Right. We thought it'd be a fun format to dick around in.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, as far as I can tell, we don't quite have any agenda, at least not yet. Besides bringing down capitalism. That's for a later podcast. I think just

being silly and having fun and coming up with creative, humorous ideas and perhaps exploring local music at some point. Yeah, I would like to do that, too. And interviewing interesting people. And by the way, we plan on interviewing people, and we figured since we're very new at this,

we would have someone interview us early on. Yeah. Right. No, it sounds like you guys have a pretty good vision. Do you really think so? I don't think we have much I think we just express the fact that we don't at all

I'm being nice here and I expected a little bit more specificity but why don't you give an example of what you would put on the podcast as like a sketch or something

improvisational that viewers would find to be something that they would want to listen to on a regular basis. Mike, I'll let you field that one. Well, we're working on some sketches. Technical

technical difficulties technical difficulties Oh yeah, technical difficulties. Technical difficulties. Oh yeah, all my difficulties seem to be technical. Not hypothetical. No, no, no. Not hypothetical, but technical.

Technical difficulties. Technical difficulties. Technical difficulties. Technical difficulties. Here we go. One more time. We are working on some sketches. Yeah, we are. For example, we are working on getting nasty. Josh will not tolerate any straight answers here.

No homo, though. No homo. Really fascinating on the homosexuality today, Josh. I noticed. Yo, if it's a day that ends in Y, I'm fascinated by that shit. Well, I know, Mike, you try to develop characters through your stand-up. I've seen it, and it's pretty funny.

Thank you. So do you want to talk about the characters? My favorite is the jaded, older, Jewish, New Yorkian person that complains about everything. Can we get some of that? I mean, you can, like... Give me a topic, and I'll riff on it. How about rye toast? Why does it have to be rye?

Do we really need seeds inside the toast? Is there going to be a bread tree that grows from the toast? No, no, there's not going to be a bread tree that grows from the toast? No. No, there's not going to be a bread tree. No. No. I enjoy a nice slice of toast in the afternoon while watching

baseball and I don't need seeds in it. Okay, that was excellent. Thank you, Josh. Do you have anything that you want to like throw into the playing field here uh as far as characters go no i haven't really fleshed any characters out i don't think do you have any ideas uh about characters about just conceptual ideas about like what could be funny, what you think is funny, why things are funny.

I know everybody's kind of on this bandwagon right now, but I feel like I discovered Tyler Perry first. And what that man is doing, not only for cinema, television, and just writing in general. We're going to need at least 10 more podcasts but comedy wise that guy is a juggernaut yeah my favorite is medea goes to hell the final friday oh my god yeah what about the one where she's in space and somehow her soul got sucked up into space malcolm x yes yeah that's amazing so you guys clearly relate to each other cinematically. Yeah. What would you guys say are your biggest inspirations in life? What makes you do the things that you do?

You know, it begins with a P and ends in O.C. He's talking, of course, about the late-grade comic. Peter Stoskowski. P.O.C. Well, yeah. No, he was a great figure. Lots of people thought he stunk at first, but I thought he was pretty good. Stuck with him.

But to let things roll, what is your overall purpose? I feel like I've gotten a lot of unspecified answers. So if you guys can specifically state individually and then maybe you can elaborate that into a fusion, what are you doing? Why are you sitting here at your kitchen table on a Friday afternoon?

Well, I had off work today, so I thought it'd be a good day for a podcast. Does everyone have off work today? Does this not go to work? You're both supposed to be at work right now. I'm supposed to be at work right now, too. Well, what if we made this our job?

Well, we were all supposed to work today. I didn't feel like it. I needed a me day. I feel like I give so much of myself to everybody else all the time almost. I need a me day. That's part of the reason why I do comedy is I want me days all the time. Uh-oh. Speaking of me, it's my lady friend Amanda in his house.

You want to come say hi, Amanda? You want to say hi on the podcast? Munza. Not to Munza, to us. Say hi on the podcast? Munza. Not to Munza, to us. Say hi on the podcast, baby. Did you spill something all over your shirt? It's called sexy, Mike. I can probably confirm you did.

Wednesday shirt contest at work. Oh, my baby brings a lot. That's a loss. Say hello, baby. Hey. Honey. Hello. Anyway.

Yeah. So, Jess's girlfriend just walked in. Her name's Amanda. Mm-hmm. Loving my life. There's an angel missing in heaven. How long have you two been together? Two and a half years.

Two and a half going on three. What would you change about her if you could? Ooh. I'd have to say be a little less perfect, I'd have to say. That's a really good answer. It's hard to compare myself to her when she's so great. Right. Okay, so you guys, if you can think of words that begin with N that describe your dream.

Nilla wafer. Okay. Mike? Nam Kang. Okay. Is that food? Either that or a location. Okay.

Favorite carnival food. Easy. Elephant ear. Caramel and cherries. Funnel cake. What's an elephant ear? It's like a funnel cake, but better. Have you guys had elephant ears?

Never even heard of it. Oh, they're awesome. Okay, like imagine a funnel cake, but it's like thick and fluffy. Almost like naan bread, but a funnel cake. So it's all sweet and sugary and fried and covered in like fruit topping. And it's just, it is divine. Okay, if you could be an amphibic creature, you would be? Sorry, amphibic creature?

Frog? What are the amphibians? I get the amphibians mixed up in the reptiles. I need to know what amphibians are, yeah. It's like you can cross between water and land. But what are some examples? Turtle? Frog.

Turtle is also a good example. Alligators? Salamander, newt. Salamander. I think alligators might be considered amphibians. Yeah, in fact, they must be considered amphibians. What about crocodiles? I think they would also fit into that because they can go on water and land.

It's like you travel between both planes. Okay. But anyway, if you were a candy in a past life, what would you be? And I'm talking 1920s candy. Were hot tamales around then? I don't think so. I don't think so. What about that really bad, like, what is that stuff that old people always had?

Like lavender or something? No, I don't think you can eat lavender. I think there's like a candy called lavender. I think the correct a candy called lavender. I think the correct answer is Werther's Original. Anyway, tell me about your exercise routine. I'm glad you brought this guy over. I'm glad.

I'm really glad. The next question is, tell me about your exercise routine. Whoever wants to go first can proceed. I'll let you feel that. I got to go lift weights, so I'm going to let you answer that. I do yoga, and I ride the exercise bike, and that's it. I throw around some iron now and again. Bit of a... You're a runner, aren't you?

You might have noticed the whiskers on my face because I'm a gym rat. Gym rat. I feel like that term's been tossed around a lot lately. I feel like there needs to be a sound effect for gym rat. Oh, good call. Yeah, and then my lady and I, who was just on the podcast, I don't think she said anything, but

her beauty probably shone through, I think. Yeah, that's probably true. I think she's in the shower right now. Ooh. Well, she showers in her clothes, so. Let's go interview her. I think that would be an electrical problem.

Surprise interview. Okay. If your lady friend asked you to buy a dildo, would you feel intimidated or excited? I wouldn't feel intimidated. More just grossed out, I guess. I'd ask, what was the purpose of the dildo? Right.

And if it was her dildo, why the fuck would I buy a dildo for her? It's hers. She needs to pony up the money for it. Okay, Mike. If you had a significant other, how would you feel if she purchased a dildo? I'd feel perfectly fine with it. All right, Mike's fine with the dildos.

What if there were dildos in your wall? As Mike has explained to me, they make for really good insulation. Here, Mike, can I get the sound effect? Sound effect? Yeah. You know, dildos. Well, we were working. I'm just asking for a sound effect here Dildos No, that's not good enough

No, let's get like a beat going on To Mike's Dildos catchphrase Dildos. All right. That was good. Okay. That was good.

Anyway. I think we just found a new theme song. Dildos. Dildos. Would be like a cover of Ice-T's Colors, but with dildos. Dildos. Dildos. Okay. If you could go.

I am a nightmare walking. Dildos. Do you actually know the lyrics to Colors? I just know the beginning part. That was from a movie, right? Yeah, I think it was called Colors. And I think he did the soundtrack. Yeah, I think he did the theme song. Colors.

Colors. I heard that that movie was like, inspired a lot of gang activity in America. Like a how-to movie? No, seriously. I think they exploded. Like the gang population exploded after the movie came out. Really? Yeah, that's what I heard.

Can you guys talk about your views on gay rights? Can you guys talk about your views on gay rights? I'm all for it. I am also all for it. Okay, way to, like, just not really talk about anything. Well, earlier when I was riffing with you, you were getting mad. And then when I gave you a real answer, you get mad.

I don't know what you're doing. I'm really just playing around. We'll be right back. Hello there, doggy. I'm really just playing around. We'll be right back. Okay, they're crying for us. We're back. We're back, baby. Sorry, we were in the middle of an interview, got a little heated, had to take a break, and now we're back. Okay, if you could do anything, what would you do? I'd do a podcast

in my kitchen on a Friday with you guys. Really? I wouldn't. I'd probably be on a hydro tube right now. What's a hydro tube? A water slide.

But it's a tube. Why do you think bad things happen to good people? Mike, I think you know about this. Because it's a random chaotic universe in many, many ways. That's why. Okay, and what leads you to believe that it's actually chaotic? Well, in the sense of morality, I don't think

doing good things necessarily brings you good luck. Although, I do think being a good person as far as having tight morals and being socially fair Sorry, I was just mocking you. tends to socially fair.

Sorry, I was just mocking you. Tends to give you a more fulfilling existence and probably better opportunities than where you're not, at least in our society. However, it doesn't mean if you give money to the poor, it doesn't mean you're not going to get hit by a bus tomorrow. I think that's a really great pragmatic view, and I think it's actually very realistic. So,

Josh, why do good things happen to bad people? Just to piggyback on Mike's statement, I think the universe is random. Bad things happen. Mostly it's probably because they were somebody evil in a past life, I think.

Well, but it's not random at all. Well, I mean, if you're evil in a past life, really you. Well, then it's not random at all. Well, I mean, if you're evil in a past life, really you should be getting shit on all the time. It's just the universe has to keep Hitler reincarnate on his toes. Right. Who do you think it is, by the way, Hitler reincarnate?

I would say Kim Kardashian. I think it's Bill down the street. Really? Yeah. Just because he has that weird mustache? You know he has alopecia? Does he? Yeah.

That's the only hair he can grow. He has a weird arm thing. Where can you get the best cheesesteak in Baltimore? I do not know. I have no idea.

Yeah, I've been there. I do not know. Yeah, it's good. Yeah. Get the double meat, extra onions. Yeah, delicious. Put the pepper right on the meat while it's cooking. What's your mom's favorite color?

Red? I don't know. Okay. Okay, a restaurant can't be her favorite color. A restaurant? That's very true. That entirely defies logic. Okay, what's the best music out there right now?

What am I listening to that's recent? I like Polaroid Rage. Yeah, Polaroid Rage. Tremendous Athlete. Tremendous Athlete is killing it right now. Unnamed Cover Band. Unnamed Cover Band. Those guys, they're originals.

Bronx on Benzedrine. Bronx on Benzedrine. Very good. Very good. Wilford Brimley. Wilford Brimley's on fire. How do you set a mousetrap? I just buy the poison and put it underneath my sink, and then they eat it.

That's not the answer to the question, Mike. What if we set up a mousetrap that was like the game Mousetrap and actually put cheese at the end of it and see if it catches a mouse? That'd be very cool who'd do that i remember um in my apartment in college it was me and two friends of mine we had a mouse in the kitchen and we took a piece of paper and we rolled it up to make like a like a cylinder hole on each side piece of paper and then we taped it and we put peanut butter and cheese at one end of it. And then we put the, with the peanut butter and cheese, we put the piece of paper on the kitchen counter. So the peanut butter and the cheese was hanging off the counter,

that half of it. So when the mouse would go to get it, he would fall. And then he was going to. That is actually pretty ingenious. And then he was going to fall inside of the cooler. We had a cooler set up. And then we're going to trap him in the cooler and then throw him outside right and that's really we were waiting waiting waiting for the longest time we're in our rooms and then all of a sudden you just hear a and then like it hit and then we go in there to go see and the uh the paper rolls on the ground and there's no mouse to be seen because he jumped out of the cooler.

Did you know mice could jump? He had to jump, like, I don't know, for in, like, what, like a foot maybe? I could picture that. But think about, like, as to scale to a human. Right. But think about how high, like, cats can jump. That's true. I mean, they just launch.

But they got more muscle. They're a little bigger. I don't know. I guess mice, especially if they're really scared, maybe their mouth's adrenaline. I can see a mice jumping that far. Okay. So I noticed there's a guitar

in the corner of the room. Do you play, Josh? Yes, I do. Do you want to give us a serenade? Does that... Yeah, sure. All right. I think you should serenade? Does that... Yeah, sure. I think you should serenade us.

I think, Mike, you should also give him a topic. What is Josh going to improvise songs here? Josh, can you improvise some songs? Yes, I am. Alright. Alright. Topic

Walking the Dog. It seems like all my days are walking away from me. Especially as I lay with a leash around my neck. I'm on all fours for the man. Yeah, he's got me down and he does what he wants and I beg for treats. Could have been a canine It would have been fine with me I could have been a canine

Now I'll just go and die Nice. That was awesome. I wanted a refrain where you talked about the regrets of puppyhood when he peed on the floor. Oh, yeah. But it was very good. Oh, thanks.

That's what I was anticipating, but I think you're well on the way to it. Oh, wow. Thanks. All right, one more song. You have to make the lyrics to this one rhyme. All right, that's tough. All right, give me a topic. Chris, topic.

The topic is sending a piece of mail. Did you get my correspondence? What rhymes with correspondence? That was the letter I sent you. I asked what it was. What rhymes with correspondence? What? I guess you didn't get my correspondence.

What rhymes? I'm a hippopotamus. That kind of rhymes. Maybe you didn't get my correspondence. What about hippopotamus? Maybe you didn't get my correspondence because you're a hippopotamus. You're a hippopotamus and you can't read or write. But I will tire myself and fight

Nice Did you Did you get my Correspondence You are You're a hippopotamus But I love you Yeah, I love you

I really like that one. Like folk singers hold out notes for really long. Yeah. The Postal Service Letters are a dying art But I think this is a good start My favorite Simpsons character is Bart But you would have known that if you got my correspondence.

You fucking hippopotamus. Oh, man. Wow, that's awesome. Yes, that was very, very good. The song about mail kind of sounded like the Postal Service. Or Iron and Wine. Yeah, same thing as far as I'm concerned. There's a really funny, his name is Mike Furman.

He did a joke song. It's called Irony and Wine, where basically it sounds just like an Iron and Wine song, but he falls asleep at the end because he's just boring himself. That's hilarious. So you just hear his head hit the mic and a guitar hit the ground. He's like, I love you, pretty.

All right, maybe we should do some more radio improv. Okay. Okay, well, Mike, you are an angry... Let's do... How about we do...... Let's do... How about we do... How about we do... Let's start with the...

What's that game called? The Professor or whatever? I don't know that one. Chris will ask us a scientific question and we answer it one word at a time, but we're making a sentence. All right, let's take a break and then we'll do it. We'll be right back with the science game.

It's called Something Professor. All right, we'll be right back with Professor Something. And we're back. All right. It's actually called Three-Headed Professor. Now I remember. Oh, yeah. Well, I'm glad we took a break where we can kind of hash it out. Yeah.

All right. Love hash. All right. So Chris is going to give us an input. Or he's going to ask us a scientific question. All right. This is completely improvised. You do it first.

I want to play 163 after this. We have to do it together. That's the whole point. I'm not familiar with the game. Well, I don't know what to tell you then because it requires more than one person. Otherwise, it'll just be me answering questions. I thought we were going to switch off. Like he would ask you a question, then ask me.

No, no, no. He asks, we're a two-headed professor. Who are you? A two-headed professor. Okay. And I'm a two-headed professor. We're the same two-headed professor. Are we doing improv right now?

This is pretty good. No. Maybe, but nonetheless. We're going to have to really edit this podcast. I don't think we should edit any of the podcasts. Okay. Okay, so

the scientific question is how do you get rid of a staph infection on your dick? Well, that's quite simple. What did she say? One word. How do you get rid of a staph infection on your dick?

Well, Mike, we're the same person. I know, we're looking in a mirror. All right. Well, you get it away quite easily if you have a legume by your boat. put massive amounts of binoculars inside the basement where mothers infect children nightly. Ah.

When it comes to a conclusion, you... I think we answered that one. Alright. Alright. Alright. There you go, audience. You're welcome. A few closing questions.

Do most dudes suck their own dicks or at least attempt to? I know I have. Yeah, I've attempted to. Okay. Awesome. I'm not going to make a statement either way. Have you tried? That's closed for this interview.

That's a yes. That's a yes. If you had to kill a ladybug, a puppy, or a bunny rabbit with your mouth? Ladybug. Ladybug. Wusses. Anyway, if you're going to Burger King, what's your favorite sauce? Ooh, ranch.

And yes, I realize it's a dressing But dipping them fries in that You ever dip a fry in a milkshake? Yeah Like all the time I did it earlier today Twice Have you guys heard about Burger King's new milkshake fry combo? No I have not

They give you a nice little sauce dish And you can like It has like a dipping option Because it's just a dish No, I have not. They give you a nice little sauce dish. It has a dipping option because it's just a dish, but they also have something where you can pour into your mouth. If you have a good gag reflex, you can get those fries just right down into your stomach without chewing them. It's great. Wow.

So it's like if you're a duck, you just swallow it. Yeah, but some people are able to bypass their... I personally think it's great. I'm just like... Just suck it right down. Suck it on down. All right, final question. If you were a man...

Hold on. Let me try to think about this. I guess you guys are both men. If you were women and you got a sex change, would you have my babies? And if so, what would you name them? Wait, you just said if we were women and we got sex changes? No, if you were... I mean, that's possible.

I said, I know you're men, and so I'm saying, if you got sex changes and you were women... Thank you. Right, yeah, no, that was a vocal faux pas but so if you got a sex change and you were a woman and you could have my baby if you would do that what would their names be there's gonna be two i can only deal with two um steven and candace bergen candace bergengen. One Candice, one Bergen. I would name her Candice Bergen. That would be her first name. I think it would be cute if we named one Candice

and one Bergen. That's good. What about if we had three Tiffany, Amber, and Thiessen? Tiffany, Amber, and Thiessen. Tiffany, Amber, and Thiessen. Tiffany, Amber, and Thiessen. Tiffany, Amber, and Thiessen.

Tiffany, Amber, and Thiessen. Tiffany, Amber, and Thiessen. I think we're out of here for today Thank you everyone for listening It was great Thanks for stopping by Chris Chris really thank you I really loved it It was great You guys were superb and muscular

Oh thanks And I like your glasses, too. I like your great glasses, too. Why'd you say Josh's first? Okay. Well, anyway, thank you for listening, folks. Yeah, thank you if you made it this far. Thanks for listening to the interview.

I appreciate the, again, I really appreciate it. I'd love to blow a raspberry on your stomach like this. Yeah. Okay. Okay, that's this. Yeah. Okay. That's cool. Yeah, that's fine. We can do that. I think the feeling is mutual.

The feeling is definitely mutual. Mutual liberty. All right. We're going to go blow raspberries on our stomachs and refinance our mortgages. Who's raspberries? First mortgage. Let's spin it around. This is my landlord.

It's the worst name ever for a landlord. Raspberries is pissed. Yeah, no, you're going to wash the toilet when you do that. I don't want to have more than three people living here. Okay, what's your name again, sir? Raspberries. Is that Mr. Raspberries? No, just Raspberries. again, sir? Raspberries. Is that Mr. Raspberries? No, just Raspberries.

Her last name is Raspberries. I'm not the King of France, just Raspberries. The King of France. Okay, thank you, everyone, and thank you for Chris for joining us. Yes, thank you. Thank you. Good night and good riddance. Good riddance. Good riddance. Good riddance. safety tips safety tips safety tips But we digress We digress Safety tips

Safety tips From Chris Safety tips Safety tips From Chris Safety tips Safety tips Safety tips

From Chris Hey, when you clean out your aquarium, make sure to scrub it Because bacteria can grow in there Hey, clean your bathroom every day When you clean out your aquarium, make sure to scrub it. Because bacteria can grow there. Hey, clean your bathroom every day. Because it's nasty not to. Hey, check it out. Just don't do fucking disgusting stuff, you moron.

Gross. Safety tips from Chris. Clean your bathroom. Safety tips. Safety tips from Chris. Safety tips. Safety tips. Safety tips from Chris. And now, another installment of Chris's Safety Tips. Don't put your hands in the medical waste bin. God, you'll get an infection. If you're taking out the trash,

make sure you wash your hands afterwards or you'll end up puking in the fucking toilet. You have to take off work. You're not going to be making money. That's stupid. This has been Chris's Health Tips. To record your message, press 2. Hey, just calling back again, just wondering where you are.

It's 946 now. You should have been here over an hour and a half ago. If you can just call us whenever you get a chance, we'd really appreciate that.