The Digression Sessions - Ep. 21 The 4 Lazy Tops w/ Doug Powell & Mike Storck!

Episode Date: January 22, 2012

Your two favorite ear buds are back, DIGHEADS! How the hell are ya? This week, the hi-larious comedian Mike Storck makes his triumphant return to the podcast and he brought a friend with him. Luckily, it was the equally hi-larious Ol Doug Powell! That’s right - 2 guests this week! Can you  believe it?!?! Yeah, we can too. It’s not that out of the ordinary really. But, this was a fun episode and we hope you enjoy. We love these fellas. This ep is a nice mix of silly riffing and serious convos about the art of comedy. Keep those 5 star ratings and comments on the iTunes coming! It really helps the podcast. And our self esteem! Topics for this ep include, but are not limited to – crap, power bottoms, lazy tops, the irony that Baltimoreans celebrate the letter “O,” farming, human centipedes, nature sounds mega mixes, prozac boners, Mike Storck is the only dipper left, what to do with your body when you’re dead, cryogenic firms, that time Jesus quit comedy,  Whoppertunities and more!  Like us on the FACEBOOKS! FOLLOW US ON THE TWITTERS! @DigSeshPod @Jkuderna @MichaelMoran10 @MikeStorck And look for Doug Powell on the facebooks!

It's pre-show time! It's all about a POW. Blinking Morse code messages. Can you believe it? Listen. Listen. Listen. Because he was like a prisoner of war?

No. Yeah, it's really cool. He's all like, they're treating me well here and... Really? Yeah, it's a really cool video. It's from like World War II. Subliminal. Might be in torture. What was this, it's a really cool video. It's from World War II. Subliminal. It might be in torture.

What was this? Non-Lavia. Oh, okay. Did someone pick up on it? Yeah, he says torture with his... Oh, no shit, really? I don't know what the results were. I wouldn't be able to...

While he was talking, he was doing it? Yeah, he was acting like the lights were blinding him. I wouldn't be able to... I would be like... I know, I'd have to go back and forth. Hold on. I'm doing fine. I'd be like, torture.

Blink, blink, blink. And I accidentally send everything's wonderful. Don't send help. You're sending a message that you're defecting to the other side. Wait, wait. Frank's a real dick. How do I do just kidding with Morse code? You do this.

You just wink. He just keeps blinking war trip. Yeah, I know. He could have just done that once at the end. Yeah, everything's going great. How do you blink a knot at the end? It'd be a lot simpler. It's awesome. Not really awesome. And so anyway, before they turn back simpler. It's awesome. Not really awesome.

And so anyway, before they turn back around. Psych. You think that all the battered women in the country should learn Morse code because when the cops come, they don't say anything because their guy is right there. And he's got his arm around her. And he's like, you know, telling the story like, like well she fell down the stairs obviously you're on her and that's the one thing they can see is her eyes right so if rednecks i think if anything if we taught anything in school to poor women it would be morse code because that's going to help them in the long run clearly well are we talking about

rednecks or poor people poor people get Who gets beat the most as far as women? Poor women. Loud ones. My right fellas. The ones that don't listen. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Am I right?

Am I right? Come on. It's all good. It's all good. Are we recording? All right. Let's start the show. We're going to take a break to start the show. Yeah. Let's take a break. All right. let's start the show We're gonna take a break to start the show

Yeah, let's take a break Alright, let's start the show That is good Aw, shit Aw What? Can you hear me? Yeah

Alright It's the official start of the podcast, y'all You wanna freestyle? What? Yeah, go right. It's the official start of the podcast, y'all. You want to freestyle? What? Yeah. Go ahead, Doug. Doug Palace on the mic. Keeping it fresh.

Yeah. Okay. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Shit. Oh, shit. Yeah.

Oh, shit. Mike Storick, the greatest hype man in the game right now. Yeah. Dude takes a shit all the time. Defecating on the audience. That's what I'm saying. Shit all over that track. That's right, yo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, well, what? On the forehead. On the shit. Shitting on the shit. Turning on the crap. Got it. Turning on the crap. Turning on the crap. Mike Storick. That's the name of your album. That's the name of crap got nothing hurting on the crap

mc stork turd on the crap turning on the crap we got a new cut from turds on the crap burning up the charts turning up the crap on a pile of shit i want a carpet of poop. Don't flush this one, folks. How would they censor that for the radio mix? The whole thing would be censored. Defecating on the defecation? Yeah. Defecating on the feces? Did you make this beat?

Oh, yeah. That shit was excrement. You know I did. That was excrement. That was double-mint excrement. Oh, excrement. Double excrement. Oh, shit. Well, what's up, digheads? Excrement, excrement

Nothing, man We are back for another motherfucking digression session We do I don't have any Guys, could you be professional? Professional, just for one second No, okay, yes Wow

Okay, just one? Just one, alright Hey, Mike Moran, how the hell are ya? Yo, I'm not bad. I'm perfectly content with the way I'm feeling right now. Why are you blinking that way? Why are you sending those messages to those guys? Everything's good here at the digression session.

What's that big black X on the back of your hand? I have no complaints about being here. What? You're sending messages to Ethiopia. What? No, no, I love it here. No, it's just my throat's just been a little... What?

He's trying to send Morse code with a clicking. Son of a bitch. Oh, shit. You mean the ones that liked crapping on the turds or whatever? No, I'm good. I'm good. Where were you guys downloaded? In Malaysia?

Yeah, Malaysia. Maybe we should do some stuff that kind of caters toward that demographic. Right. Belgian, Malaysian. Malaise. What are you talking about? I'm just talking about maybe we talk about stuff that, you know, Malaysians think is cool and people in Belgium...

Waffles. A lot of people shit on the southern hemisphere, but I think it's the shit. I think it is the shit, right? Yeah. You know what I call it? I call it the northern hemisphere.

Yeah, because that's... It's like flipping it up. Let me ask you guys this. Do other countries consider themselves... I mean, not everybody uses the same hemisphere, right? No, I don't.

Personally, I use the different one. All right, what hemisphere do you use, Doug? I use the left, middle, center. Like a center-left hemisphere. You use more of a bullseye. It depends on how I'm feeling. Some days I'll use a different hemisphere just based on what's going on in my personal life. Today I was all about the southern hemisphere.

That's how I was feeling. Tomorrow, who knows? I'll let you guys. Are you trying to say you're depressed? Is that what it was? You're feeling down? No, no, no. South like chilling in the sun in the summer.

I was a little depressed. Mike Stork? I was going to say, I don't know if I consider my top or a bottom. Hey now! Oh, shit. Let's just say that Chile is catching and Canada is pitching. I don't know. You're a power bottom hemisphere?

Do what? Are you a power bottom hemisphere? A power bottom? Mm-hmm. Hemisphere. Is that like a power ballad? No, your hemisphere takes it in the ass. But it does all the work.

That's the power bottom. Really? That's the power bottom? You take it, but you do the work. I mean, I've heard. I don't know. I had a gay friend explain to me that most tops are the feminine guy and most bottoms are the masculine guy.

Really? Yeah. It's like a math equation. No, it's just like opposite day. Huh. Or at least opposite of my stereotypes. If you were a gay, as my grandmother would say, which would you be?

What would you want? Tough question. Obviously, as a straight male, I would like to say a top, of course. All good. But would that make me more feminine? I think so. So I can either be feminine and pitch or be masculine and catch. I think it takes a man to catch, honestly.

You know, you don't see a lot of girls catching it up the butt because it's a man's thing. That takes guts. Take that Mark Salat marker. Yeah. Pull your jeans down. Shove it up your ass. Do it now. Go ahead.

Go, Mike. Who's got the balls to do that? Right. I don't. That's gonna fucking hurt. I don't. That's just a marker. That's not even as big as a dick. Well... That's why... If someone talks dirty to me, maybe I'll get wet. Or if I eat a lot of fiber.

Get butt wet. Do you think gay men eat a lot of fiber. Get butt wet. Do you think gay men eat a lot of fiber to get lubricated? Yo, I am butt wet right now, y'all. I'm going to get all the bitches butt wet tonight. Shit, yeah. If you eat a lot of fiber, it lubricates your poop, right? It makes it more watery. You think gay guys do that?

No, I think they do it because it's healthy. They're health conscious. They are. They probably eat fiber because it keeps's healthy. They're health conscious. They are. They probably eat fiber because it keeps them fit. They're fit. I'm generalizing a lot right now. No, I'm pretty sure that's 100% of gay men in the entire world.

Thanks, Doug. You were the first one to stereotype on this podcast. We're all having fun. I never. It's nice to be the first at something, you know? You're the Jackie Robinson of gay stereotypes. want all the money. Jackie Robinson of gay stereotypes. Oh, Mike Stewart coming up the rear with it. Classic stereotypes.

I said the Jews want all the money. Let's just make it stereotype. That's not even a stereotype. Real talk. Yeah, but who doesn't want all the money, really? You know... What culture is like, we don't like money? Okay, comments. Like the...

Well, or the Krishnas. Right, yeah, you're right. But the majority of cultures. Yeah, they want all the money. Most of the people. Yeah. All right. Well, let's officially introduce our guests after that nice ramble we had.

Yeah. So on the podcast today, we have two fucking great comedians. Mike Moran and Josh Kederna. Oh, shit. All right. It's all good. Welcome to the Mike Stork and Doug Powell Show. We'll be interviewing Mike Moran and Josh Kederna.

And we have comedians Doug Powell. Say hi to everybody, Doug. Hi, guys. Don't fucking do that. Yeah, no, he did cut you right off. He just fucking went right for it. I knew Mike. I'm glad you did that because

I knew that that was going to happen. I knew that if you introduced me first, Mike was going to throw a little shit fit. I'm glad you did it. Mike's been on the podcast before. He knows we love him. I was here well before you, Doug. See, now I'm a little pissed

because nobody called me. They called you first. I don't think you existed yet, though. I was not born. I was still a fourth trimester. Existentially speaking, you were to us. Yeah, right. Living in the wilds of Frederick. It was wild there.

Frederick, Maryland. Wild and wonderful? Yeah. All right. Yeah, man. Shit. Did you grow up there? No, I just moved there for like, I lived there for almost three years.

Yeah, I did some research on old Doug over there. Uh-huh. What'd you dig up? Because you prefer to be called old Doug. Well, I do. Ever since I was young. Yep. That was the first Google result.

Old Doug Pye. Do you mean old Doug? Yeah. Doug Pye. You come out of the womb. Wait a minute. Don't call him Doug.. Come out of the womb. Wait a minute. Don't call him Doug. Come out of the womb with a newspaper under your arm.

Old slippers and a flannel. Complaining to the nurses. Complaining. It's too loud in here. Coffee mug that says, today ain't your day. A hat that says old fart. In the digression sessions, I've noticed everyone who's older than us has

a New York accent. Really? Every time we do someone's dad or something. An old person is like, what do you do? What the fuck? Hey, bada boom, bada bing, I fuck your grandma. That's what happens when you get old. You move to New York and you adapt.

Because New York is like one of the older cities. That's where the accent came from. Right. Good point. Baltimore is like New York but like trashier. It is. We got the, oh, no, like that thing. It's close to a retarded British person.

It is. It's really cockney and retarded. I agree. I think we talked about that last time you were here. You know what I think is funny? I just moved here and I was looking and somebody had the O for the Oriole on the back of the car.

And I was like, it's funny that Baltimore's mascot is the one vowel that they tragically mispronounce. It's like the Boston team. The Boston Car Park. That'd be like if they had the Chinese R's too. The China R's? That'd be like if they had the Chinese R's, too.

Right. The China R's. The Boston Car Parkers. How about the news? Right, right. Yeah, it'd be just like that. I remember hearing when, after Obama got elected, he was doing a little tour, I think, of the East Coast. And when he came to Baltimore and they were playing the national anthem. The crowd there for Obama still did the

O! When it got to the O part of O say. Right. Yeah. Why wouldn't they? Because that's the Orioles thing? Really? I thought people do that in stadiums across the country. No, you just haven't gone anywhere except Baltimore. They do different stuff. So Balto-centric is what you're saying. Yes.

I went to a baseball game and where the fuck was that? It was not in Baltimore. And they're doing the what do you call it? The anthem? What do you call it? Star Spangled Banner? What do you call that thing that they do before they play?

The song thing, you know? I call it beer time. What do you call it? And I was the only one that was like... Beer time. It was like... And everybody in the stadium turned and looked at you. Yeah, I'm like... Everything went silent as soon as you said that.

I was like half... Christina Aguilera stopped singing. What? I got it a half out. So what did you dig up on me? Well, I really want to know what you dug up, because I heard you were a farmer. Yeah, yeah. I was farming for a while.

Nailed you. Gotcha. Wow. You nailed me. I was catching there. What kind of farm? Baby farming? I farmed little bitty babies.

Wow. Puppy farms. I just got people pregnant. And when I say people, I mean just men, women. Human centipedes. Yeah, human centipedes. The whole thing. Making babies. That's good. You don't discriminate. I don't. men, women. Human centipedes. Yeah, human centipedes. Making babies.

That's good. You don't discriminate. I don't. No? No. No. Equal opportunity. Yeah.

No, I was farming. I managed a sustainable garden for a restaurant in Frederick and raised chickens and vegetables and shit. Nice. Wow. It was cool. Cool. It was a really cool experience. I think I got into that when I started realizing that I can't afford healthy food in this country.

I was like, I can't afford to feed myself healthy food. I need to learn how to grow it. So that's when I started farming. Yeah. So it's been like five years now since I've been growing food. What was it like being on the fields for hours at a time? Amazing. That's all I want to do.

Really? Yeah. I love it. I can imagine getting into that. Yeah. I love it to death. Yeah. I definitely want to keep doing it. Did you listen to your iPod at all? No.

Never? No. I listen to the sounds of nature. It'd be funny if you listened to nature sounds on your iPod. It's not on iTunes. I listen to the sounds of nature on my iPod. It's just birds chirping. Megamix 9.

It's my playlist. Nature playlist. The Cardinal. On the go. That's my jam right there. The Cardinal's my playlist nature playlist the cardinal on the go that's my jam right there i always like when you when i i learned a lot of stuff when i was farming and like i learned that like uh that every spring when everything comes back to life and the animals start to like sing again and trip like it's really cool because you're out there and you're like oh everything's coming back to life and then you realize that everything is like everything's fucking at the same time in the spring like in the in loud like really if there's a god this God loves to ejaculate so much that it made like millions of species of things to

all have sex at all hor time. Get all horny. Frogs are fucking really loud. Everything's fucking really loud. I don't think I ever put that together that animals are breeding in the spring as well. Yeah, everything wakes up to do it. I mean, I knew that's when plants and trees and stuff come back to life. Trees are a jacket. The seeds are coming.

Trees are just coming all over you all spring. I'm in the garden And I'm just getting Nutted on by like Maples and Sorry dog Spring The trees are like

His friends are cheering him on Yeah fucking Come on his head Who else do we have here today We got Mr. Mike Stork Mike Stork Who apparently just swallowed some tobacco with a chaser

of Pepsi. It's going to get interesting in about ten minutes. Oh, good. No dose. Zoloft. Ibuprofen. It's going to get boring. I am comfortable right now. Man, what's up with you guys?

I'm content as hell. It's a great chair. That's the problem with trying to kill yourself with antidepressants. Start feeling better. I think Dan Lyle has a bit like that. Good old Dan Lyle up in NYC. NYC. Oh, yeah.

So how are you, Mike? Doing pretty good. Yeah? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. NYC. Oh, yeah. So how are you, Mike? Doing pretty good. Yeah? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Time out. I don't think... No, it's good.

It's good now. I just don't think you can touch it. You can just leave it in the mic stand. Mike's... One, two, three, four. It's coming through. Okay. I have a mic in my car.

The show started, Mike. Yeah. Jesus. It's coming through. Okay. I have a mic in my car. The show started, Mike. Yeah. Jesus. Is it a rehearsal? Yeah, put a new power steering pump in my car. Okay. Yeah, right on. You're a man's man.

Not many men do that shit anymore, right? Well, a bunch of homos. Yeah. A bunch of bottoms. Power bottoms are walking around. A bunch of southern hemispheres around. What's the opposite of a power bottom? Would it be a weak top?

A lazy top, probably. A lazy top. It's like, no. No. Just bounce on my dick for a while. I find myself falling into that sometimes. Right, being a lazy top. Yeah.

Yeah. I usually don't even realize it's happening until I'm like oh wow i haven't moved in 20 minutes my legs asleep um what's lasting power though man that is 20 minutes 20 minutes and you're not even paying attention which generic prozac will do to you really just gives you boners just long lasting no it makes you not ejaculate yeah yeah that's pretty sweet yeah cool well the leader or the guy yeah it is but it but it's whatever yes I guess it's cool I never really had a problem anyway yeah cool sounds like the worst commercial ever for pros Iac. I guess. Whatever.

I guess I pleasure her. I don't know. I mean, I don't want to die, but whatever. It's okay. If it happens, no biggie. It's cool. Whatever. Well, Mike, you just got back from Canada not too long ago when you were in the Comedy Factory.

Comedy Factory. Comedy Factory. You were telling me that you had, it was basically like you're doing corporate gigs and it would be like three levels of. It was, yeah, it was fucking. And I did in 11 days, I did 26 shows. Wow. Jesus Christ, fucking nuts. That's crazy. And they were only on the first and the last days of those 11 days. Yeah, two days.

It's like a big break in between. Just to really share time to rest. 18 shows a day for two days. It's like a big break in between. Just to really share time to rest. 18 shows a day for two days. I wrote a bunch of shit. Just on stage? Just like riffing and stuff. Just writing down your grocery list on stage. I wrote tons of shit. You're like the only dipper that I know that still exists.

You're an old diner. I knew guys in the military that would like, that's all people in the military did was dip. Why? Because they couldn't get away with smoking? I know. Yeah. You couldn't smoke in formation, so you'd dip a lot. But that stuff will mess you up, man.

Ever since, I remember seeing something on HBO. It was on at like 6 in the morning before school. And I was like, let's see what something on HBO. It was on at like 6 in the morning before school. And I was like, let's see what's on HBO. But it was like a don't do drugs kids show. And they were showing all these young baseball players and how they dip and all this stuff. And then they showed this one guy who I guess was a baseball player. And he had been dipping for years. But then he got cancer in his jaw

and they had to carve out like the whole bottom right of his jaw and like his face looked normal from the hours carve out carve out his no i could have called him carve albert hey hey hey don't do it it's like marv albert oh i got you wasn't marv albert a sports announcer he was yeah still is yeah Is he still doing it? Yeah, he does bass. No, not bass. He does bass fishing. He does bass fishing now.

Yes! It's a catfish. Beautiful rainbow trout. Gotta be proud of that one. He got a cool whip container to spit in. That's pretty funny. Did you just steal that out of Josh's fridge? Did you just take that out of my fridge?

It beats spitting on the floor. You guys didn't want the cool whip, did you? That's my girlfriend's pretty funny. Did you just steal that out of the chest? Did you just take that out of my fridge? It beats spitting on the floor. You guys didn't want the cool whip, did you? That's my girlfriend's cool whip. Not anymore. That's actually my grandfather's erd. Hey, it's our fault for keeping it in a cool container. In the refrigerator. Something like that was bound to happen.

You guys weren't using it. Talk about crematorium, am I right? It's like, don't put me in the cool whip. Whip, whip. I think it'd be an honor to have you spit into my ashes, Mike. Can only make it better. What are you guys going to do with your bodies when you die? Or have done to your bodies?

I can't do much. What are you going to do? Have you thought about that? I have. There's the shoot me out of a cannon thing. That's pretty fun. Into what? A field.

It would be funny to see you come out of a cannon when you're dead. Yeah, just flopping. Like a dildo shot through the air. I always say have them dress me up like Gonzo from The Muppet Show. Yeah. A little vest and a big helmet. Yeah, yeah, and a helmet. Wait until your body's rotted a little bit.

Do this. So it comes apart. That's the thing, because, like, I was like, you know, they should do it before I start decomposing, because then it'd just be like a shotgun, you know? Yeah, you'd spread. Pieces of me flying everywhere, you know? What song will play when it's about to, like you're probably gonna be a drum roll.

Get Naked by Methods of Mayhem. What about crapping on the turd? Do what? Crapping on the turd. They'll play your hit single, crapping on the turd, as you're shitting. Crapping on the turd. Crapping on the turd. That's pretty funny. Singer of 2012's Crapping on the Turd, Mike Stork, died today. Shot out of a cannon in a couple weeks. It'd be funny to shoot me out of a cannon into an Orioles game.

Over the side and into the game. But you've got to try to get me to land in a mezzanine so my body like flops. With a parachute into the Orioles game. That'd be funny. It'd be funny to see you coming down with a parachute like all this.

Your landing would be hilarious. Your hands flying off as you're coming down to the surface. Yeah, I have little parachutes attached to my limbs. Holding a sign that says, don't dip. My leg comes off and it's got its own parachute. You would land face first awkwardly on somebody eating nachos. And they'd be like, wait, no. I paid $12 for these nachos, and they'd be like, wait, no! I paid $12 for these nachos!

Lifting it up excitedly, he's on the jumbo trail, like, yeah! Call Mike! What about you, Doug? What are you going to do with your body? I don't know what I'm going to do with my body. I mean, honestly, just probably get cremated. I can't imagine being...

What's the point of like getting embalmed and and and right i think the funeral industry is the biggest scam in american history how do they get away with that because they take some wood well they take seven thousand dollars emotions like every other industry like they take advantage of people when they're at their you know most emotional right and people feel like they have to do something nice to honor the the person who's died so they pay out the ass just to put a fucking dead body on the ground.

If you know there's like laws in place too, like people have tried to make cheaper caskets and you can't because you have to be like registered and licensed and it's just some scam

to keep. Yeah, exactly. Just fucking have a party and make a bonfire and sit me in a chair for the whole party and pour alcohol on me the whole night and blow pot smoke in my face and dump coke on my head.

And when it comes time, just throw me on the fire and just turn up the music. Isn't that what normally happens with you at a party? Yeah, it would just be like a normal party. It's like Weekend at Bernie's meets Burning Man. Weekend at Burning Man. Pull Doug out of the fire. Banging your head on a drum,

a drum circle. Yeah, I don't know what to do. I mean, what are you guys going to do or want to do? I don't fucking care. Probably donate to science. Although, honestly, I seriously,

this sounds insane, but I think if I had the resources, I'd like to be frozen so that they could maybe bring me back to life. That's weird, dude. I know, but like, why would you want to

come back to life? Because that would be awesome. Why? If I was like, oh, wow, I'm still, this is awesome. That's awful. If I wake up in would you want to come back to life? Because that would be awesome. Why? If I was like, oh, wow, I'm still... This is awesome. If I wake up in a futuristic wonderland... It could be you and Walt Disney hanging out. Or it'd be like Mad Max.

Right. Like, well, welcome to the year 3942. The worst time in human history. Gas is scarce. Water is gold. Yeah. And your body barely works now. We brought you back to kill these enemies with this hoe. Rusty hoe. I I think when I can't wait to die, like, I think that life is fucking hard, man,

and, you know, you got to stay positive, and death is like the final, like, all right, sweet. I did it. I'm done. Thank God. Yeah, I think I would maybe want that, but, like, 90 years just ain't enough for me. I need some extra time. God, that's crazy. Well, the singularity is coming up, so maybe.

Exactly. Technology is advancing so quickly that I don't think it's that far-fetched that we could reanimate frozen corpses. I think that's a terrible idea, though, because now we already have this population problem. Now we're going to have not only more people, but more disgusting post-dead people. Now there's going to be zombies that are going to have rights and march for their rights. Fat cyborgs. Rascal scooters. zombies are going to have rights and march for their rights. Fat cyborgs. I was going to say that the only people that are going to be able to be frozen and brought back to life

are all the fucking rich pricks. It's not that expensive, surprisingly. You're going to have nothing but Mercedes and Porsche. Mike just started a cryogenic firm. There's a Stuff You Should Know podcast on cryogenic frozen. And they said it's really not that expensive to get your head.

If you just do your head, you can do it for like $30,000. That's what Walt Disney actually did, right? No, that's a total myth. Yeah, he's not really frozen. But other people have. One of the experts in the field died last year, and they froze him. You just want to be a head? Well, no, I don't, but it's cheaper that way.

They'll be able to clone you a body in the future. That'll be what you're saying. I'd say it was cheaper. Can you imagine that guy in the fucking cryogenic store? Well, I mean, how much for just a head? I got a Groupon for cryogenic freezing. And I don't even need all of my neck. You can go right up to the jaw, man.

I'm going to download this podcast in the year 3500. And laugh your head off. I will be laughing on your fucking buried corpses. Peeing on them, too. Which will be socially acceptable at that time as censorship walls continue to decline. What was that? There was a thing I watched on TV the other day, and it was a scientist that had taken a brain from a monkey.

Frankenstein. I think. I've read about this guy. And he took it, and he basically had a system rigged up where he was pumping oxygenated blood through the through this brain and and so it was basically keeping it alive really and so um you know so the brain was still active but without any sensory input no no you can't see hear feel so it was basically a monkey in oblivion and and so it's like just think of how maddening that would fucking be.

Yeah, it would be. You know? Yeah, it'd be like... And that would be my... An amoeba. That would be my fear with the cryogenics or something. It's like, what if you get frozen, right? But, like, your brain's like, what the fuck? Where am I?

Darkness imprisoning me. Right. Absolute horror. I cannot live. And oh God, they're playing Metallica too. This is terrible. I think that this like. Oh my God, it's the St. Anger album.

It's like this clinging to life idea though. Everybody is just this like clinging to life of like, I don't want to die. It's just like, let it go, I think. You know, I think we'd be a lot happier if everybody would get over that self-importance. Yeah, but. Like this clinging to life being this super important. Let it go, I think. I think we'd be a lot happier if everybody would get over that self-importance of life clinging to life being this super important. Yeah, but I don't know if I could ever get over that. You're going to have to.

Somebody's definitely knocking on the door. You guys got someone knocking on the door during the podcast? I'll take my roommate-ordered takeout. Let's take a break. Oh, really? Momentary break. And we're back. Do die around you guys.

By chance, you have permission to decapitate me and put my head in the freezer. Okay. See, here's the thing. I feel like nobody's going to honor what I want. Because it's going to be hard. Because if I want them to just not, I don't want to be embalmed. I just want to be burned. Just save yourself the money and burn me

and toss me in the wind. But I feel like people in my family are going to do that. No, we have to honor him and we have to... It's just like, knock it off. Well, they'll probably be dead by then. I hope everyone in my family dies before I do so that I don't have to deal with this shit. And you said you have a year and a half to live?

If I'm lucky. Man. Oh. Man. Oh. Yeah. Because people come in with their own ideas. People are like, well, no, I know that Doug's always just joking. He was just joking. We need to give him a nice casket and a nice headstone.

I don't want that. I don't want that. That would be cool to have a big creepy headstone, though. So people can visit it in a store. You could still do that, though. Get like an oversized novelty headstone. Yeah. Like a giant bust of your head.

A big foam finger that says, I'm number one. You're right next to somebody's grandpa. It's just like, God, I wish that wasn't there. Or a Batman symbol. Just to confuse people. Why. Or a Batman symbol just to confuse people. Get a dude that's got an arrow that says, I'm with stupid.

Putting you next to old man brothers. Mike Payne. Do you remember Mike Payne? I know the name, yeah. Mike Payne had one of the best. He goes, I want the epithet on my gravestone to be Mike Payne, you know, 1970, whatever, to 2000, whatever. Quote, whatever does not kill me only makes me stronger, dot, dot, dot. Oh, wait.

That's funny. He's funny. Mike's a good comic. Is he local? He started out in D.C., lives up in New York now. Oh, cool. He's funny Mike's a good comic Is he local? He started out in D.C. Lives up in New York now Oh cool He's funny

He had this one thing about Was it It was like a Jesus In a black exploitation film Like I can't remember how he got to But it's like Black Jesus

He's like who's the son of God Who's the guy to get snails Snail to sticks Christ God damn right how he got to, but it's like, he's like, who's the son of God to get snails to nail the sticks? Christ goddamn right. His mama was one frigid, shut your mouth. That's funny. How do you guys feel about

making the move to a bigger city if you're being a comedian? How do you guys feel about that? What are your plans? You better be goddamn sure yeah i'd be open to it but i'd like to be able to i got you know so many roots here yeah yeah also are you do you guys have a day job at all are you yeah i do yeah i don't know and you're just to stand up full time that's fucking awesome i know man that's my dream yeah see that that

scares me but i mean it's got to be fucking great i mean i have i have a kid and right so i i can't i don't have the i mean you know i'm balancing other things so yeah unfortunately i don't have what you took a break from stand-up for a bit right i quit stand-up all the time really i remember just in the middle of his show i'm just like i'm out of here fuck this shit wait till the podcast is over to quit i remember the i remember the one time we really don't want to talk about farming and i i think i called you and i was like what the fuck yeah and uh yeah i can you quit that phone call i just remember being like i can't remember who the comic till his good friend mike stewart gave my call i'm like wait a minute so so doug Powell, who's fucking funny as shit, is going to quit stand-up. Meanwhile, insert name here, is going to keep fucking showing up every goddamn week at this open mic.

This is bullshit. You know insert name here listens to this podcast. Yeah, they're going to be a guest next week, too. This is going to be awkward as shit, Mike. That's funny. Yeah, man. I needed to quit. The first time I quit, I needed to.

It was time. I needed to break. You sound like you're addicted to it. I was. It's exactly what it was. Hey, man. Stand-up is like doing drugs. It's like crack.

Right. It's a high. You need to keep doing it. Yeah, because you get that chemical reaction in your brain. You get hooked. Right. And I obsessed so badly that I was like, I was so miserable. Really?

Because I was. I was like just, you know, I was only as good as the last performance. And nothing I wrote made me happy. And I was just always in this unhealthy balance of striving. I just needed to mature as a human being. Right. And not just as a comedian. That sounds like you have that artistic obsession that great artists have where they just have to do it more and more.

I'm kind of envious of that. Well, that's what I came to is because I quit and was like, that's it. I'm just not going to do this anymore because it doesn't make me happy. I was working with a lot of guys and their lifestyle that I would watch was just like, I'm not looking to – I don't want that. Right, right. I don't want to, you know, I got to the point where if I had a good show and the crowd really liked it or if I had a bad show

and the people didn't like it, I felt the same way. I wasn't doing it. I didn't care what the people thought. And so I just, I stepped away and I just started

doing other stuff. And just, just finding out who I was and then it's, it dawned on me over and over again that just

like in every avenue I'm just a creative person I'm just an artist in in like any artist that does anything it's just like I'm just like that right and so I felt like I needed to re-approach everything that I do with that in mind in whether it's stand-up or writing music or farming or whatever I had to approach it creative so that's what I'm doing so when i do do when i do stand up i try to not take it seriously i but i take it i take the writings i you know really work on the writing and that's my love but as far as like where that takes me the outcome is irrelevant because it that's not you know important it gets unhealthy too it's way unhealthy because it's like doing drugs it's like i it's like it's like there's a almost like a healthy way to take it not seriously but like you know like writing

and you know saying like what am i trying to say here like what's the what's the underlying like truth behind this bit or whatever right in that respect yeah you know you try to like work at it but it's like but you know you see comics that like they get so you try to work at it, but you see comics that they get so, they're pacing back and forth before they go on stage and they're looking at their set list that's crumpled to shit because they've been obsessively looking at it every five minutes. And then when they hit the stage, it's like, are you having fun? Are you enjoying this at all?

Yeah. Right. Well, I think here's what I struggle with as I get older. When I was younger, I think I got into stand-up. And all of us are probably the same way. Out of this desire to, I don't know, be heard or be seen. There was this thing inside of me, this burning desire to just be in front of people. And I was like that at parties. know i was that guy were you drawn

to comedy as well like did you like stand up before that just no yeah i mean i grew up watching stand-up i grew up you know but uh i just i just had this desire to be heard for some reason and uh and now as i as i get older you know i'm not like anymore. I have less of a – I have parties. I'm pretty quiet. I chill and I'll just talk. I'm not that – I hate that guy. Yeah, yeah. The guy who like if you invite him to a party, you know that within ten minutes of meeting people, they're going to know that he's a comic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're always on. That's the thing. Some comics always have to be on. And that's exhausting. That's like being a poet who always talks in rhyme. That's absurd. Hey, man. That's the thing. Some comics always have to be on. And that's exhausting. That's like being a poet who always talks in rhyme. That's absurd. Hey, man.

That's absurd. And so. Don't you think that would be kind of nightmarish if you achieved stardom, the idea of every time you're under the public eye, you have to be funny? Sure. It's absurd. I think that would be horrifying. I heard that happen to Chris Farley.

He would just have to be on all the time. would see him on the street right yeah they're like oh my god it's chris and then he would have to do something stupid where like he'd fall down and like you set those limitations and right if you let the people govern you then then it will happen that's what people would tell him too like hey man you don't have to do that just wait they'll be happy you don't have to fucking fall on your face what ends, what ends up happening is, and for me, and I don't know, you know, you probably feel the same as like as you get older. It's like, well, why do this? Why keep doing this? And it really has to come down to you feel like what you're saying has some relevance, has some importance. And that's every I feel like every comic as they as they mature has a little bit of a Jesus complex where it's almost like what I'm saying is important, and I have these ideas, and I believe in them.

Well, yeah, it sounds like when you took a break that you kind of realized, like, yeah, I want to be in front of people, and I want people to be listening to me, but what the fuck do I have to say? And then you kind of took a break and kind of figured out, like, why are they paying attention to me? And now it's like they're paying attention for a reason that you're comfortable with right yeah it's like you have to step away like you have to step away from anything to like gain some perspective on it and then when you come i you know it's like you know like when they say like jesus went off in the desert and disappeared and then he came back and it was like you know when jesus quit comedy he did he. Fuck this shit. He threw down the mic. Well, it was all the prop comedy. He was doing the fish.

The guitar comedy. The fishes and the bread. Hey, water into wine. Where is this coming from? Freaking out the blind guy in the audience because all of a sudden he can see. Pretending to bring dead people back to life. Crucifix-o-matic. Come out with a big crucifix and smash stuff. He smashed lepers, actually.

People said he was healing lepers. He was smashing lepers. He was healing the village of the lepers. But yeah, it's like you step away from something and then you come back and you get a better perspective. And it's healthier. And I feel like i just started using it to make i you know started recognizing that like the process of writing is a way of making sense of life and that's really the the key ingredient for me to to be happy doing this is like when i'm writing i'm i'm helping

myself because it helps me make sense of every situation that I go through in my own way. And to share that with people and make them laugh through it is fun. It's like that's rewarding. Yeah. It's cathartic for both parties. It is, yep. Instead of just being like, look at me. I tell dick jokes and you like me because, you know.

Aren't I so clever? Guys, I'm standing right here but that's like you get those desperate comics that are always on and it's like they're always trying to rush forward with that punch line or i gotta i gotta be funny i gotta i gotta i gotta shove this funny line like into this fucking conversation and it's like after a while you realize this person is desperate for that attention. They don't like themselves. Do you guys find more – I found with improv, when I first started, it was like, oh, my God, I have to say something funny. What do I do? And it eventually became, oh, I don't have to go out there with that attitude. I just go and start building a scene.

That's the best part about improv too. Do you guys feel that you came to a place with that with stand-up? Because I'm still at the point where I'm writing.'m like okay i have to write something funny what can i think of that's funny right have you guys like reached a place where you don't have to approach it that way anymore you can just kind of say what do i want to say or what yeah i feel like go ahead well we doug and i talk about this shit all the time like like like every time like we've like hung out or like like done shows together or whatever it's like the show is like stopping at the store on our way to get i gotta stop in here and get a pack of smokes real quick it's like this is gonna interrupt our conversation

this right yeah i gotta go on stage real quick yeah let's get this show out of the fucking way so we can you know right and and and literally it's like like that's the kind of the shit we'll talk about is just like well what's going on with this and what's going you know and and and like it's just through the conversation and we're like you know we're not trying to be funny we're just talking about stuff and you know it's like i don't know what precipitates that if it's time doing stand-up or i think it's time getting comfortable with what you think about stuff because i think that to answer your question it's like um i don't i don't i guess i don't sit around and think like what's funny i sit around and just like what do i think about things right because i know what my opinions are about things and and that's what i'm that's what i'm doing is i'm i'm

giving my opinion which no one else has right people may have similar opinions to mine or agree with my opinion but the way that I look at things is different than you and you and you. And that's where I think the real good comics come from is they just know what they think about things and then the craft of it is making that funny. Because

it's one thing to talk about something that is funny and that's easy. You can talk about something that's funny. Shake way. Yeah, shake way. It's something that's funny that everybody's like, it's easy that that's funny. But what I like to see is someone who talks about something that they believe in or is relevant, and they can make that funny. I see a lot of comics that I admire and respect talking about stuff that I'm just like, anybody could do.

What do you think about stuff? Talk about what you think. I really am dying to know what you think about things. Yeah, because that's like you look at Louis C.K. or Bill Hicks, and that's what I think people, like comics, will look at them and like, man. And it's because Bill Hicks would take stuff that most comics would never even touch abortion and religious right and all that kind of stuff and the opinion comes first and the funny comes second you know it's like you know how he feels about it and he's getting his his perspective across and yeah then it also is funny but it's

like he's he starts with the truth yeah you know and like same thing with louis funny but it's like he's he starts with the truth yeah you know and like same thing with louis ck it's like he's finally now coming into his own but like yeah he like by him expressing like what he really thinks about it and his and his true feelings his his truth or his reality um you know that's that's what clicks with people. People identify with that because it's true. And it's... We're truth seekers. I think comedians are ultimately truth seekers. Yeah, yeah. It's always

like a philosophy vibe. It is. I was talking to somebody recently and they were talking about I can't remember what it was. I wish I could remember, but it was they said some fact and I started laughing and they're like, well, no, I haven't said anything funny. I'm like, yes, you did. his when you just yeah just dropping the truth right it's funny you know and the good comedians uh bill burr is a great example i love bill burr can ostracize a demographic in front of that demographic and everyone's laughing even the

people in that group right that's a good comedian because the truth is the truth and people can tell when that guy actually believes it. But there's no malice in it. But it's just kind of pointing out what everybody already knows, but they're not really saying it. It's cathartic for everybody. Exactly, yeah. And then you go from that to, say,

a comic who is just desperate for that laugh. We were talking about comedy zones earlier. I work with a comic who, he's just terrible. He's like the epitome of hack fucking button pushing bullshit. Standing right here again. Leave Mike Moran alone. Please. Take your pieces out.

Right. But this guy, you could see it on stage, but then off stage, you could see it as well. It's like this like everything starts with the disclaimer you know like like i know some people uh like this but you know you gotta admit that it's like dude why do you have to have that disclaimer because you're afraid of you're afraid that somebody is not gonna like you because of what you just said and that desperation like it just what's the point you know it's it's you're you're on stage and we're listening to you not because you're sharing anything or you're you're you're being creative or whatever it's because we're basically helping you like you have this

hole within your soul that you're trying to fill with this attention yep and approval and you do it you're using comedy as the medication for that the audience is the fucking like dispenser you know and after a while it just it's just i don't i know i don't want to be an enabler you know interesting yeah it's interesting because like it's kind of it's kind of a it's a very egocentric thing to stand up in front of people and say, look at me for the next hour. Everybody in the crowd could be getting to know one another. There's lots of cool people in the crowd. Not even just look.

It's like, I'm going to be louder than all of you. I'm going to have a spotlight. I'm going to be the only one that you can hear, the only one that can talk. And then if you're just wasting their time, like, I'm edgy. Abortion, huh? Right? Yeah. It always comes down to that. I wouldn't write that down.

Abortion. Dot, dot, dot. Abortion. Abortion. But that's, yeah, it's like when you're hanging out, like, at an open mic, and that, like, you know, three-month open mic-er comes up, and he's like, yeah, and it's like, dude. All right, now I'm sitting right here.

Jesus Christ. Are there people who will be like. That's one of Josh's best bits. Go, go, go, go, go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got a whole Popeye chunk. Time tested. Go, go, go.

People all the time will say like, they'll be like, I was doing, I did the noise in the basement thing down at the soundstage. Oh, okay, right. It's like a rock show. It's fun. It was fun. It was fun. We just talked about that. It was fun.

Can you describe that real quick? It's like a midnight show. Yeah, it's a midnight show. They have bands play. On a Monday, right? I saw Adler's Appetite there. Yes, Sunday or Monday. And then on a side stage.

I mean, it was a small crowd. I don't know if that thing is going to build, but we had fun. It was a good time. So this is separate from the music? It's separate from the music. When the music is over, they... Oh, I see. The music's over, which I'm trying to talk to Matt about doing it before the music, because then the crowd is all there. Everybody kind of left

after the music. It would make a lot more sense. A midnight show on a Monday. To get back to the point, I walked in and the guy behind the... The guy taking the tickets or whatever, I came in and I was like, hey, I'm, you know, one of the comedians. And he's like, you don't look very funny. And I was like, okay, well, all right, whatever. I'm still one of them. And he goes, he's like.

I'll be leaving, thanks. Thank you. I don't care, whatever. He's just trying to. But then he did that typical thing where he's like, you know, I've often thought about doing stand-up. You know, people told me I should do stand-up. How do you do that? How do you? and i was just like just you just have to start that's all i ever say is just like just start doing it yeah you know and because you

have to take this pill you have to drink three glasses of milk before midnight before saturday on a full moon right or people will be like you know I've been writing stuff and I was thinking about getting up and doing it like like if they get up once right and do it they're gonna be like it you got to do it for 20 fucking years before like you're even that good so do you guys gonna happen right most important aspect to becoming a stand-up comedian is just doing stand-up over and over and over. Just keep going. Just do it. Figure it out. For sure. Dip into cool.

If there's anything that I would ever tell anybody who's interested in doing it, just get up and do it. You're going to suck for a long time. Some less than others. Just start. The thing that I said to somebody once, and I was like, I should remember this because I think it makes sense. It seemed to click with him. I was like, I should remember this because I think it makes sense. It seemed to click with him.

I was like, because it was that same thing like, I'm thinking about doing it like I've been writing. And I just, and I said, well, are you going to do it? And he was like, well, you know, I just like, I don't want to bomb, you know, and I just said, dude, let me just

let me, I'm going to cut through the bullshit. I'm going to tell you right now, you are going to bomb. A lot. Hard. All the time. Even after you've been doing it forever. I've been doing this for however long. And look at it this way.

If you do stand up, you're going to have at least 1,000 sets where you eat shit. So the sooner you start and start getting those shitty ones out of the way, the faster you get to the good ones. Right. It's like when you first start drinking beer. It's like, you know, if the first taste of beer is like,

oh, that's bad. But now you drink beer all the time. It's the same thing. Get used to the taste of shit in your mouth and you'll be a better stand-up for it. Just get used to it. Yeah. You start to,

hmm, this audience had Italian for dinner. Because it's, you know, it's like, what's the worst that could happen? You could be humiliated in front of hundreds of people. Yeah.

And it's like, you have to learn to take it. And who gives a shit? Who gives a shit? You have more balls than all the people sitting in the audience who aren't there.

That's like, the best social anxiety medication. Yeah. You know, like, if I can take that. It's letting go of giving it. If you can bomb in front of 200 people

and they just think you suck and you're okay with that, then you're golden. It always hurts. It never doesn't suck. But I feel like once you get past... I feel like I know what I think is funny,

and I'm sure you do. And if a crowd doesn't like that, you have to weigh that against the times that you have done said material or worked yourself in crowds that loved it. And so if there's something... A lot of times it's the audience, and I like to tell them that.

I like to be like, you guys are the worst fucking audience ever. That's awesome. Because, you know, you can't just blame the crowd. Obviously, there's a dynamic there, but, you know,

it's not just you. Right. But if you can get over that, like, concern about, if it doesn't devastate you anymore and you can go, okay, fine fine that sucked what can i work on what can i do better yeah and that's what i'm trying to wrap my mind around too

is i try i'm doing open mics and stuff so it's but you always picture like oh if i bomb it's gonna be the worst but to those people they don't give a shit it like for that minute it's like that guy sucked and they're on to the next thing it's not like they're driving home like hey what was that kid we should find him and beat him up. Look at baseball players, when you start you suck. You gotta keep playing. That's the tough thing about stand-up is that you have to practice in front of strangers and fail in front of strangers. You can't just, you know, once you get a guitar you're like, I'm just gonna play in my room for six months. And then six months later you're like, hey check this riff out. Wow, you're good.

But they don't see when you suck at tuning your guitar and dropping the pick. Yeah, you can't practice at home in front of a mirror. It's not the same. I kill in front of my stuffed animals all the fucking time, guys. And then put shards of glass in their eyes so they can see you doing it. Right? That's what you guys did, right? That's what I do now.

There was two experiences that I remember as far as that. One was I was doing, once again, a comedy zone. What is a comedy zone? You should ask that question. It's a chain of clubs, predominantly in the South. It's like the ESPN zone. What they do is they take you as you are Comedian X, and they place you into a random equation.

They don't look at who you are, what demographic you appeal to, what your art's like. They don't look at you as an artist. They look at you as an artist. They look at you as a way of making money. It's not art. Yeah, they don't fucking. We got a bomb over there. Yeah, I worked with them for a little bit, and it was awesome.

Put a power bottom on stage A. Power bottom. Power what? Power bottom. Power bottom. What's up with a Power bottom. Power what? Power bottom. Power bottom. What's up with the power bottom bombing over on. But you worked with those guys for quite some time. Yeah.

And so this was another one of those moments where I was like, what the fuck am I doing, right? Yeah. Like I did a showcase up in New York and it was literally like in the back row of the audience was people from NBC, people from CBS, Comedy Central, Just for Laughs, several members of Methods of Mayhem,

and there was a guy that was the talent guy for Aspen when the Aspen Festival was. The Aspen Comedy Festival? That's like an HBO thing. Yeah, it was HBO's Aspen Comedy the Aspen Festival. Oh, the Aspen Comedy Festival? Yeah. It was like an HBO thing, right? Yeah, it was HBO's Aspen Comedy. So this is who's in the back row. No pressure.

No pressure. No, not at all. So it's the Letterman guy here, too. Throw that in the mix, right? Eddie Bruce. It all comes down to tonight. Right. So I'm on stage, or I'm about to go on stage.

Are you practicing in the mirror like Eminem? Dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun. I'm drinking eggs. Mom's spaghetti. Drinking eggs. Shouldn't have drank those eggs. I just drank a bunch of eggs. Should I get a time out, guys?

Hey, guys, what's the deal with wind? Boy! That guy's perfect for our new sitcom. The throwing up guy. This is like the story he tells in Stand By Me. Everybody's throwing up. And you're like, what the fuck about that? Coming to CBS.

Lard-ass. Lard-ass pukes on people starring Mike Stork. You did it again, Lard-ass. It's like Jamie Kennedy experiment. You just got puked on. When a guy pukes on other people. You can hear the

microphone hum as the vomit eggs short it out. The next comic has to use the same microphone. And vomit and egg is still dripping off of the fucking... Talk shit to the next comic follow that so uh i just got a tv deal so anyway so i went up and i did my set i did my like seven minutes or whatever and i had a really good set so i was happy with it everything went well right two

weeks later i'm at the comedy zone and i think it might have actually been Johnson City, but I'm not sure. And I did, like, one of the jokes that was in that seven-minute set, okay? And it fucking got nothing. Like, nothing. And I just, I had already had it with this audience. I was like, these people are fucking stupid. Like, I'm throwing my best shit at them. They're not getting it.

It's not me. It's fucking them, right? But I'm like, no, gonna i'm gonna plug through this they're they're gonna catch up to me at some point and i hit him with that one joke that was in that and it gets nothing and i just said fuck it i just i just stopped i looked around the audience i said well mbc liked it yeah and that was pretty much it i was like that that right there is it. Like, I just did a joke that the people from NBC liked. One of the guys from Montreal commented on.

It was like, hey, I really like that one joke. What joke was it? I don't fucking remember. You don't remember? Even crowd hated NBC. Like, CBS is better than faggots. Stupid faggot. Stupid.

CBS is a bunch of faggots. This is a Fox town, bitch. ABC motherfucker. That frog from WB was dancing. Fraggot. That is top half. But that's the thing. It's like I hit a point where I had done that material enough times in front of enough people.

And crowds that I could look back to and say, you know what? It worked at Stand Up New York. It worked in front of the people that make the fucking calls on shit. The people that are in charge of Comedy Central and all these big networks. They like that fucking joke. So just because this one particular room tonight in the middle of fucking Tennessee doesn't like it, you know what? Their opinion does not mean anything anymore. But whereas like three years prior, like these 200 idiots not laughing at a joke would make me question the joke. I don't know.

I don't understand it. Maybe that joke sucks. No, the joke is fucking good don't know i don't understand it right yeah maybe that joke sucks no the joke is good it's not me it's you so what to what extent do you think you can uh go along with the joke that you really believe in but audiences just aren't getting because there's some stuff that i want to do really badly but people just don't think it's that funny generally but i think it's funny i tweet some other people i'll tweak it like if i really think something's funny or believe in an idea if I think there's an insight that's really that I think is awesome like sometimes I'll stumble on

an insight and I'll be so happy it's like giving birth to the kid you always wanted and you're like yes that's it that's the idea and if you know I think a lot of times it's it's the presentation because there are so many ways to tell a joke. They're like, you know, they're there. Say there's an idea and you want to get you've got to get that point across. Maybe you're just not getting the point across. Right.

Like and I, you know, I do that all the time. Like I'll I'll have an idea. Like I do a lot of stories. So within those stories, the stories are kind of vehicles for jokes the whole time. And so I'm just kind of taking these opening these doors the whole time i'm telling the story and sidetracking myself and then getting back to the story right and sometimes i'll get into an idea and i just won't say it right or you know it'll i know there's something there yeah i know that that idea is funny but i

just you know and i in sometimes it'll fall and the crowd won't really laugh and i'll make a note i'll be like okay that that didn't really work so the next time I do that bit, I try to re-approach that situation in a different way. Maybe I say it differently. There are a million ways to say something. You leave out a word. You say something in the wrong order. But don't you think there are going to be some jokes that only a minority of people are going to get? Yeah, of course.

And how do you feel about it? You keep doing jokes for minorities. I mean, are you okay with inserting those into your set if you're really satisfied with them? I feel like that's all I do.

I don't think that I... I'll be honest, I don't appeal to the masses. I don't... I have a story from the same room, Johnson City,

where I was doing this bit... Where comics go to death. Where comics go to death. Sounds like a gay club to me it is the worst it's just a bunch of fucking morons I knew it was bad when the the opener it's like all those bad t-shirts like big Johnson City you walk in and you see a mullet of that magnitude the manager has this beautiful mullet and uh the the opener the mc was like doing 2001 the mc was doing a nascar joke and the punchline of the joke was the name of a nascar driver he was like and then i was like dick trickle and the whole crowd was like their faces were falling off they were just it was and

i was like i am not gonna appeal to these people i'm not i don't know what i'm gonna say to them that's gonna get and to be honest if i was in a party and those people were there and then people like us were there, I'd hang out with people like us. And I wouldn't care that they didn't want to. I would. Right. You know, I just don't have anything to say to them. My whole family are those people. I'm from Iowa.

Oh, really? And that's why I live in Baltimore, because I can't communicate with those people. It's like they don't get me. And so this place in Johnson City, it was I was doing this bit where I prerecorded, I timed it out, I prerecorded the voice of God to interrupt me in the middle of my set. And I had done it a couple times in D.C. and a couple times in Baltimore. And it always went really, it's a fun bit. Like God basically, I would tell whoever was the DJ just any point in time during the set, just hit play.

Just interrupt me. Don't be scared to interrupt me. And God's voice interrupts me and is like, you know, gives me this really bad joke idea. And it's just like, you know, I'm not the comic. Here you are. I just figured, you know, I was thinking about this joke and I had this idea. But, you know, tell me what you think. And it's this really awful idea.

And I have to pretend like I like it because it's God. But he obviously knows better because he's like, Doug, I know you're lying. I'm God. So I have to, like, backpedal and tell God why his joke sucks. And I get into this conversation, and it always was – I could basically sit on the stool and just react, and the audience would like it. But just saying God in Johnson City, Tennessee is blasphemous. Really? Just making a joke with the word God in it.

You're going to hell and you're taking all of them with you. Right. You can visibly see people adjusting their chairs. I could visibly see people getting up and walking back to the guy with the mullet. And they were pissed. Demanding their souls back. It was bad. I picture them actually believing it's God.

It's like, do his joke. Come on, you bastard. Do not piss him off, man. Please, just do his joke! I'm trying to see what that guy did to Job. He rejected one of God's knock-knock jokes, and look at him! But there are demographics that I don't care to appeal to. I don't want to do jokes that I don't believe in so that people will like me.

If you don't like what I'm doing, then that's okay. Did you know that there's actually, Johnson City has become one of the top pilgrimage tourist destinations in the last couple years? Apparently, a lot of devout Christians go to Johnson City to view the boom box that God spoke through in a comedy show. Wow, that's beautiful. It's right next to the falafel

with Mary's face in it. I guess that's the whole point, though. Which is probably why I'm still poor and have a day job. Because I'm not trying to appeal to... I don't know. I was going to say what you were asking earlier.

When it comes to something that you think is funny, it's like there's shit that I know it's funny. It's just a question of whether I can communicate it properly and whether enough people know what I'm talking about. We were talking about Ted Kaczynski earlier, right? And the Unabomber Manifesto. The joke that I had written was that I was going to give Ted Kaczynski a time machine so he could go back and kill Eli Whitney. Right?

Now, it makes sense. It's funny. It's there. But you have to know, A, who Eli Whitney is and the fact that he invented the cotton gin, which started the Industrial Revolution. Which kicked slavery in full gear. Slavery was almost over before the cotton gin. Absolutely, yep. Guys, good news.

Good news, good news. Hey, guys, get back here. Get back here. Get all this shit out of cotton. Don't worry. Come on back. It'll be fun. So, you know, and then you have to know that his manifesto railed

against the Industrial Revolution. So it's like, I know the joke is funny. It's just how many people are going to have all those pieces of information? The right people. The one or two people that you'll talk to after the show. Right. But that's the thing. Sometimes those are the jokes that get people to like, man, I want to hear more of your show.

That'll get your true fans. Stay true to what you think is funny. But by the same token, though, I think that the burden does fall on us as the comics to... It's not real...

As much as we can bitch about a dumb crowd, it's really not their job to get it. Or to communicate that to them. It's your job. It's our job to get them to see it. We're the ones with the microphone. We're the ones that are getting the money. We're the ones that are on stage.

So the burden really does fall on us to communicate clearly to where this crowd can get it within reason. And not just get frustrated because you don't know who the fuck Eli Whitney is. Fuck this crowd. We were playing. I was hanging out with some comics. Which is what Mike says in motion. Fucking dumbasses. Go throw poop at each other out in the parking lot. I'll be telling smart jokes here.

He's like that homeless guy who got pissed off at us. Oh, yeah. None of you know who Eli Whitney is. I hope God replaces him. Mike and I got accosted in uh dc because we uh this i don't even know if he was homeless he was probably just some guy looking for money but he came up to us he's like y'all got money could get some money like no man sorry so why don't you take me over mcdonald's give me a you know use your swipey card take me to mcdonald's use your swipey card that was like a block away. Like, I'm going to walk him to McDonald's.

And we're just like, no, man, I'm sorry. We can't do that. And he's like, man, hoping y'all meet your maker. He played his shit back for you. Send your ass straight to hell. And then walked away. That's an overreaction. And then Mike had the nice comment after.

I don't believe in God. All right, Mike, let's keep the atheism down i can't resist even in uh potentially violent encounter with a uh stranger to appreciate theism it's funny like when we were lost in dc the sense of entitlement that like some vagrants have is like appalling like get fuck you yeah poverty is not my fault the fact that the system that we live in is the way that it is, it's not my fault. And if you're going to be an asshole, and if I give you a dollar, it's not going to change that. It's not going to help you. Gee, with that attitude, I don't know how you didn't make top management.

For me, it's like I'll send money overseas for some kid to go to school who's living in a hut. But I just don't really believe that you're going to buy food with that money. I don't want to contribute to someone's fucking drug habit or alcohol. Although I will say, if someone is clearly insane, then oftentimes I'll help them because... They're just going to spend it on aluminum foil.

Gotta make that hat. Just because the healthcare system for people who can't take care of themselves. It's like local business. Homeless people. Homelessness is going to exist in this system. So I think that it's important who you give your money to. It's the same thing as like a local deli.

Like if you give your money to the homeless people that you like the most, the most interesting, the most entertaining, those guys are going to stick around. They're not going to go out of business. I don't give my money to the homeless people that I don't want to the most interesting, the most entertaining, those guys are going to stick around. They're not going to go out of business. I don't give my money to the homeless people that I don't want to see. You vote with your dollars. I vote with my dollars. There was a guy outside of the Black Cat in Washington, D.C. I had a cheeseburger that I didn't

finish. I had just half of it. I didn't even eat all of it. I just cut in half. I was like, here you go, man. He's like, I don't eat cheese. You don't eat cheese good luck well maybe he's lactose intolerant i don't give a shit do you eat shoe leather motherfucker bam i've had i believe i have had homeless people i've tried to give homeless people food and they've been like no i don't want that before i mean and that's whatever i mean maybe they're not looking for food they're looking for that money looking for that money money. Yeah. I had a guy once. I gave him money, and then I watched him.

And he went, and he walked up the street for a while. And then when he thought that the coast was clear, he turned around, and he went down to the liquor store. And then, you know. He walked through, like, a library for two seconds. Right, right. And, like, later on that night like he came up didn't even realize he had already hit me up i fucking went off on him yeah that's always that's always insulting when you get hit twice by the same person like on different nights like i actually

i actually told him if i saw him if i saw him again within the next 30 days i was gonna kill him he's got a 30-day notice. You didn't see him again. I think it sucks, though, that all the poor people have to scrap it out amongst one another. Because I'm fucking poor, man. And homeless people come up and ask me for money like I can support another fucking person.

And it's bullshit. But it's not their fault. It's not my fault. But we're forced to fight it out amongst one another. Right. Like, same with Mike and I. It's not like we were Wall Street bankers. Right. Right.

Hey, can I get some money? You know, it was like midnight. Way nicer shoes than I ever bought. You could afford to take the guy to McDonald's. But the point is, is like, why should I have to give you money just because you asked for it? Right. Right. Go do something.

Yeah. I mean, if you're a grown man who's not completely insane, you can go to a food kitchen. You can help yourself. It's like just once I'd like to see like a Donald Trump or, you know, one of these like, you know, like a millionaire go like, so what's your story? Well, you know, things weren't going very well and had a bit of a drug problem living on the street. And this one night, this guy gave me $5. And I took that and I invested in some biotech. And the stock wound up splitting a month later. I reinvested that money and managed to get a small business loan with that.

And then started up a small restaurant chain. And then kind of went from there, decided to go public, and bam, here I am. And then while he's telling them this, he's like pissing himself. And they're like, are you pissing yourself? And he's like, yeah, can I get $5?

The habit never ends. It's like even if you become wealthy, you still maintain the same habits. No, I mean, I'm rich, but you know. I need to ask you for five minutes. For a couple No, I mean, I'm rich, but it feels really good. For a couple seconds, I feel so warm. Do I really need to pull it out?

I can just go right... I'm not an animal. I can afford new pants. There's already piss on these pants. I'm not doing anything new. Right. I'm not going to put my dick out in front. I'm not an animal. Anyway, there I am. Goldman Sachs thinks they have me over a barrel.

Over a barrel. I like to bring in the old sayings. Step over a barrel. But, yeah, I saw you, Doug, perform at the roast of Dan Lyle at the Wind Up Space a couple months back. Yeah, that's the first time I saw you. And you had that bit about the recession. You're like, has the recession hit you guys?

Nobody said anything. You're like, yeah, fucking me either. Because I'm poor, yeah. Right, and you're just like, yeah, welcome to my world, everybody. Yeah, I mean, it hasn't. Yeah, nothing changed. I mean, if there is a recession, I didn't feel any dramatic. I'm still as poor as I was when the recession began.

You know, I don't, you know, I understand what's happening, and I am concerned for the state of the economy, but I'm just as poor as I've ever been. You know, nothing is drastically different for me. Right. The more you have, the more you have to lose. That's right. Mo' money, mo' problems, really. You know what I'm saying? But a bitch ain't one. me so right yeah the more you have the more you have to lose that's right no money no problems

really you know i'm saying but a bitch ain't one bitch i got 99 problems but a bitch ain't jay-z's gonna stop saying that you guys i sure hope so yeah what do you mean somebody already somebody uh what's his face when uh wait wait don't tell. I can't remember the guy's name. Moraka. No, not Carl Castle, the host. It's not Carl. People listen to this in... Peter Sagal. Peter Sagal in Malaysia. Dude, that guy's...

Peter Sagal! Peter Sagal, you son of a bitch! Dude, that guy's fucking funny as shit. He's so funny. That show's funny. Like, I didn't really... You know, it's like I listen to it, but I didn't really... He's got wit, yeah.

And, like, recently, like, I think I caught one of the episodes, and I was driving, and I listened to it, but I didn't really. And recently, I think I caught one of the episodes, and I was driving, and I listened to the whole thing. I was like, man, he's got fucking chops, dude. He's funny as shit. I listen to it whenever I can. What is this? Wait, wait, don't tell me. Wait, wait, don't tell me.

It's a great show. Dude's fucking quick. They just take what's happened in the news over the last week, and they've got a panel, and they just rehash stuff and write jokes about it. And it's a half hour to an hour show and he's really funny that's good it's good but it's not as good as this show right I mean this shows you know I'm saying totally minors to the majors power

bottoms to power tops that's right bringing it all back full. Lazy tops. Hell yeah. Hell yeah, bitch. The four lazy tops. That's our band. Classic hits. The four lazy tops. We come out on stage and just sit down. The laziest doo-wop group ever. We all sit in lazy boys

and sing in between eating and watching football. We need a ramp to the stage for our rascals. Where's the remote control? We sing songs about our American problems. Somebody's at the door. Gotta turn up the heat two degrees. Who's gonna get it?

Who's gonna get it? Bum, bum, bum. Who's gonna get it? I think it's the delivery guy. I was watching Louis C.K.'s Hilarious, and he was talking about the American problems that people have and how people are... It's such a good bit. How people are just pissed off about, like,

every little stupid... We've got these phones, and we're pissed off at them. You know, we've got this amazing... Or, like, people are flying, and they're... I know, man. It's like, we're flying. pissed off at them. You know, we've got this amazing face. Or like people are flying and they're, oh, it's delayed 40 minutes. He's like, you're flying. That was actually a bit. I actually thought that premise up and realized he had done it. Yeah.

I hate it when that happens. That happens a lot. I mean, there's one part of it where you're like, okay, okay, parallel thinking. I'm thinking the right thoughts. But the other part is like, mom, thank you, fucker. That's really the most frustrating yeah right yeah yeah i heard joe joe rogan was talking about online he was talking about the earth as an organism and how humans are this virus and i was like god damn it

joe rogan he's passed because i definitely have been writing about that well he's from the matrix he was calling himself morpheus and well, you can still do your MMA chunk. Joe Rogan doesn't talk about that stuff at all. Shit, I'm on it. Well, Bill Hicks said humans are just a virus with shoes. So it's the same. And then he said something about Eli Whitney. Bastard.

Bastages. They didn't get it either. The bastardages. They got it in Europe when he went there. When Carrot Top did the whole Eli Whitney. When Carrot Top did the... British people loved him. Eli Whitney bit. Carrot Top did the Eli Whitney. He had a little bottle of gin with cotton in it.

Come on, come on. Eli Whitney. He was like, hey, what do we say, guys? Let's bring back slavery. And he comes out with a... He's wearing a wrestling unitard. And he's got a bomb. He's wearing a wrestling unitard. Yeah. And he's got a bomb.

He's doing a bit about how to get cotton out of aspirin bottles. I'd better get the gin and get the cotton. And he really scares hot dogs like Bill Cosby. Pour the gin. Good, good day. Oh, no. And then Jell-O. Jell-O. Oh, shit.

All right. Should we take a break and wrap this thing up? All right. Sounds good. I got to get going soon. Oh, you. Mike Brody. Man, I do.

What? What? Crapping on my poop. Straight crapping on my poop. Crapping on my, crapping on my, crapping on my poop. It's all good. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. All right. and on my crap and on my crap and on my poop it's all good yeah yeah yeah first i take a poop then i take a crap on it then i take a crap and i poop on my crap that's how a sewage treatment works

bm dawn what if we named our cover that night? B.M. Dawn. I poo without you. Pooping on a crappy bliss. B.M. Dawn. It's pretty funny. Sit adrift on crappy bliss. Shit adrift.

We're like as a toilet. My ass is erupting. I fiend for excrement. Know what I mean? Melt excrement like it's cones of ice cream. What? Melt excrement. Like it's cones of ice cream.

Cones of ice cream. Was that Eric B. and Rick Kim, the microphone fiend? Do you remember that? Yep, I was. I believe it was Eric B. and Rick Kim. I was a fiend before I became a team. Iiended for microphones instead of come on mike you're reciting old hip-hop lyrics i used to melt microphones instead of cones ice cream i tried to take the mic and say yes y'all and then they took it say i'm too small cool i don't get upset kick a hole

in the speaker pull the plug then i jet back to the lab without a mic to grab. So then I add all the rhymes I had, one after another one, then I add another one, just when you think the brother's done. It's all good. You guys remember that one? I don't remember that one. I don't either.

Which is surprising, because I love, that's my era. I love 80s, 90s hip-hop. I want to say it was Eric B. and Rakim, but no, that can't be right. No. That can't be right. Anyway. I've been listening to the Fuji station on Pandora. That is a fucking great station.

Oh, shit. Such a good station. Lots of bras. Not a whole lot, no. Not a lot of Lauryn Hill. Really, not a lot of bras, huh? A lot of Lauryn Hill. A lot of Fuji's of bras, huh? Not a lot of Lauryn Hill. You know what old school...

They play waiting room? Most deaf. No. I don't know if this counts as old. I guess if Ice Cube was rapping, then it constitutes old school. I guess so. Like, there's always this one line that it was from Today It Was A Good Day, I think. And, uh...

Ooh, ah, ooh, ah. Yeah, didn't have to use my AK. Yeah, I remember that. Like, really, how often did you actually have to use your AK? Really, like... On bad days. Every day. Right, yeah.

But do you know what I mean? It's like... You can just use your handgun for most... Right, a shotgun, maybe beat down somebody. Like, if you're breaking out a clash... But a semi-automatic weapon. And he used it so often that he was exhausted by using it

to the point where when he didn't have to use it, he was like, you know what? I didn't even have to use it today. Can you believe that? I don't even have to fire off my AK. I just shot people with my 9mm. I didn't even have to set any landmines in place. No bazookas. No RPGs. No RPGs.

No RPGs went off from me. Are we to believe that Ice Cube uses a Kalashnikov assault rifle more frequently than a toaster oven? No, no. I think he's a Hollywood rapper. He's bullshit. Shake him up. Shake him up. Shake him up.

But anyway, so the line is, she's talking lobster. I'm thinking Burger King. Seamless plug. I said it was a seamless plug for Burger King. No, Burger King actually pays Mike to do podcasts. He just got a text when we took that break from Burger King. They were like, what's up, Mike? Come on.

You guys can have it your way. I'm just saying. It's a whopper-tunity you're missing out on. A whopper-tunity. But yeah, it was like anytime somebody's like, if I'm hanging out with a girl and I say, like, what do you want to eat? Or if she says, where do you want to eat? That's every fucking time that line, she's talking lobster, I'm thinking Burger King.

It's like every fucking time. Burger King's a little too nice to take a girl on a first date because they're going to think that you're highbrow. Like, you've got to go McDonald's at least. Burger King's up there. That's like the top of the line. Burger King always did seem like the four-star McDonald's. The Burger King down the street from here has two flat-screen TVs.

What? I have no idea why. Just in case you want to go watch TV at the Burger King. Oh, shit. Free Wi-Fi, too, dog. You know they're experimenting with delivery in DC and Baltimore. Are you serious?

I saw that on the news thing today. You can't drive to Burger King? You can't even go to Burger King anymore? Like, man, yo, I would love Burger King. I think they're struggling, man. I think fast food... I don't feel like getting up right now. They're struggling.

It's like a minute and a half away. It's all tips. Fuck, man. How good are those tips? It's got to be a better way. If you think about it, in the actual city, fast food places are few and far between.

It's true, yeah. And they should be. In the county, it's like you can't walk out your door. Yeah, once you get outside the city, that's all there is. But in the city, Can you think of a single Taco Bell

in Baltimore City? I was about to say, what's up with the lack of Taco Bell? There's only one that I'm aware of. It's near Johns Hopkins Medical Center. Really? Wow. I'd rather there not be.

I like the independent businesses. That's important. Yeah, but that's like taking a stand right there. Taco Bell is one of the few vegetarian-friendly fast food restaurants. Yeah, I know.

It's a seven-layer burrito, man. It's so garbage. Yeah, it is. It man so garbage yeah it is so garbage that was my when I was vegetarian that was my yeah

we used to drive all the way to Cockeysville yeah to Taco Bell that's funny I heard about a guy recently

a friend of mine her boyfriend is a vegan but he does not like vegetables he does not want to eat vegetables how the fuck does that work?

It doesn't. She said he eats processed soy-based stuff all the time. That's a ridiculous concept. I dated a girl that was a vegetarian, but she didn't eat that many vegetables. That's how I was. She basically ate grilled cheese sandwiches. It's like a Christian who just doesn't believe in Jesus. Yeah, I would eat cheese and ice cream.

But I am a Christian. I wondered why I felt like shit all the time. I need to belong to something. You can eat whatever. Take one dump a month. I had a friend that did that. He's like, hey man, I've been a vegetarian for like a week. My other friend was like, no you haven't.

You've just been replacing burgers with cookies. You've just been eating cookies all week. It doesn't make you a healthy vegetarian. It's true. I think that I ran across that in the vegetarian world. There's a lot of unhealthy people. Vegans, man. They are like the unhealthiest.

Vegans are like the born-again Christians of the dietary world. They're like the extremist that gives everybody else a bad name. It's such a religion. Why can't you just not eat meat? Everybody has to be part of a bad name. It's such a religion. Why can't you just not eat meat? Everybody has to be part of a damn religion. Or just not eat meat that was inhumanely raised. That's what I try to do. That tastes the best, though.

Don't get me wrong. I like the taste of suffering on my meat. Yeah, dude. Totally. Is this chicken treated well? It takes a lot of balls to stand up for what you believe in, even if it means inconveniencing your friends and everybody in the restaurant. You know, vegans, like, they just are, they ruin it.

I've waited tables before, and any time you get a vegan that comes in, you're just like, ah, damn it. And they always start by apologizing, like, I'm sorry, I'm a vegan. Were the fries cooked in the same grease that the chicken was? Gluten-free and peanut allergy people. You're not hurting a chicken by eating a potato. Fucking allergy people. I dated a girl that was allergic to everything. Really?

Dude, like honestly. Was this a vegan as well? No, different girl, different girl. And like, until I dated somebody that was allergic to a lot of shit, it never occurred to me how much of a pain

in the ass it is. Yeah, sure. It's a total pain. There are no options. She couldn't go to comedy shows. Cigarette smoke. Really? Yeah.

Like, I mean, just the smoke outside the fucking door would send her into a tailspin. He can't hang out with people like that. I kind of feel like

I might be one of those people who just deal with it. No, I feel like I just might be one of those people that's allergic to a bunch of shit, but I don't really want to have to deal with it, so I just suffer through it. I feel kind of sick. Because you're a man. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

Every once in a while I'll get diarrhea. It's like random, but I'm like, I think I had a bunch of cereal yeah right last night and i'm like i wonder if i'm lactose intolerant i think everybody's lactose intolerant but you know what i don't give a fuck like i don't care i'm gonna i'm not gonna like i'm gonna stop eating cereal no no no i'm not gonna stop eating cheese or pizza i can't do that i'd rather die and eat cheese than live a long life with it.

I mean, I drink a lot of coffee, and it kind of makes me feel shitty sometimes. But it's worth it for me at this point. Coffee's why I wake up in the morning. Coffee's wonderful. It's a warm hug. How bad is diarrhea? Like, it's, okay, so. If you're in Malaysia.

It's liquid if you're a gay man. Well, yeah, but then it's like. Shout out to Belgium. Human centipede, too. Diarrhea on the face. But it's like, okay, I could push out a fucking turd, right? Or I could just fucking sit there and let the diarrhea run out of my ass like a faucet. The only pro diarrhea argument.

I don't have to do any work. I don't have to push. Look for this material on Mike Stewart's Crap on a Turn album. It's all shit humor today. The lazy man's pro diarrhea. That's like every so often. Like, you know what? I haven't taken a shit in a couple days.

Solid shit is such a pain in the ass. So I'll just squirt some bison down the back of my throat. Don't you hate working to shit? Yeah, it's bullshit, man. Pushing If you drink a blender full of vegetables every day Pushing turds is for suckers Bullshit I'm glad we touched on all that

So this is why you were on entertainment tonight, right? Yeah I knew it I actually squirted an image of The Olsen twins on a canvas. Really? Yeah. What I did was I ate 12 White Castle hamburgers.

Oh, okay. Shout out to White Castle. You're the diuretic Picasso. Yeah. Just wah. Yeah, it's fun. We used a silk screen. You put the silk screen between the canvas and grass.

Who knows the difference? Could be an ink print. Ink blots. I don't know. It's brown. It's brown and it's dry. What do you see? All right.

This is a great wrap up. But yeah, the entertainment tonight was tied to the how that Kojo guy came to interview the... Yeah, the fashion dude. Yeah, to interview us and the British ladies. And so then it was on Entertainment Tonight. And whatever. How was that guy? Did you talk to him? He was all right.

Yeah, he was. I mean, you know, he looks fucking weird as shit. Yeah. For somebody that's like a fashion guy, he walks, you're like, what the fuck? He dresses like a clown. Are you talking about that guy that has the question marks all over My friend my friend was on a plane with that guy that guy was in coach the guy that talks about free money He's right riding in coach. The guy that talks about all the free money he gets?

Riding in Coach. I saw him. What a loser. What a bitch. What a loser. Stupid loser. Poor bastard. Idiot. Michael Lesko.

He's like the Riddler. I know. He does. He has all the question marks. He's like the Riddler after he hit Bob. I wonder how he made that out. He took his suit

to a tailor and was like, this is going to sound weird, but can you put question marks all over this? He's like, sir, are you planning on stealing from the museum? Using riddles? Because I will not support that. We accept cash. I've got a family.

Should we call Batman? I'm not going to be a part of this. Before we do this. The guy's about to pick up a red phone. Am I going to have to call Batman? Because Batman's going to come look for us. Am I going to have to call Batman? Because Batman's going to come Look at the statue That'd be funny

If like a policeman comes along Alright, move along Move along, Riddler Batman's going to come to that dry cleaner And he's going to be like Now, guys I understand that a man came in here And asked you to put question marks all over his suits.

What's up? You didn't think that was weird? You didn't think you should set off a little bat signal? I fucking gave you my sign glossy photo. You don't even call me. It's on the wall. I gave that to you for free, too. He's laying on a bearskin rug in front of a fire.

Next thing you're going to tell me is someone's coming in here with suits that are exactly opposite on either side. Do what? Two-faced. They see Batman come in and they push the little button to spin the clothes all the way back up. This is awkward. You see like five suits with lilacs on them. Hiding the penguins like coattail suit or whatever. Are you cleaning those umbrellas?

Who wears a top hat anymore? Batman infiltrates the local dry cleaner that does all the villain's clothes. This is a mob cleaner, isn't it? It's called villain's dry cleaner. You never told me. I've got all of their suits. One big pot. That's funny.

We are funny. We're having fun, guys. People in Malaysia and the Belgians, they're going to think that we're pretty funny. We're in South Korea. South Korea. United Kingdom. Wait till North Korea hears this shit. God, it's dancing over.

What's up, King Jum Un? Wait till North Korea hears The Chronic by Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg. Wait till they get a hold of that shit. It's going to all fall apart. How can you be a complete human being if you haven't ingested The Chronic? You know, I've never listened to the whole album once. Don't say that on the microphone. Don't say that.

Come on, you're being recorded, dog. Don't say that. Edit that out. Make it so that I say it. Let's have Dr. Dre. Let's send that song over to North Korea. We should start an organization that gives culture to North Korea. That infiltrates North Korean people and gives them our culture and helps them understand that they've been brainwashed.

My girlfriend's half Korean. And she's just great. There are no missing jokes about North Korea right now. None. Or South Korea. Or South Korea. Back to the podcast.

Okay. I like it. Mike got all serious. Get to your question. It's just not funny, guys. Be serious. I'm not saying that because is not funny, guys. Come on, guys. I seriously got to go. Be serious. Okay.

I'm not saying that because I'm offended that you're mocking my girl. I'm sure you're not. All right. Well, Mike Moran, what do you got going on? This will drop on Monday the 20-something. Nothing really. Okay. The new issue of Skeptic Magazine might be up by then.

Are you going to be in it? I'm pretty sure I am. Cool, man. That's awesome. If not, then check me out on eSkeptic. might be out by then. Are you going to be in it? I'm pretty sure I am. Cool, man. That's awesome. If not, then check me out on eSkeptic. Just did a book review. Nice. Just a book called A is for Armageddon, a kind of fun picture book about Armageddon.

Okay. And the different theories of Armageddon. Cool. And other than that, I heard it was an actual place. There's an actual place. Like Atlantis? No, that there was an actual area in old Judea or whatever. It was actually called Armageddon.

Really? And that's where the name came from? I think so. It was on Nat Geo. Did they actually say the word Armageddon in the Bible? Well, the original name was Armageddon in the Bible? It was, well, the original name was, it was slightly, it was like Armageddon or something like that. And it was like, it's basically, that's the place.

But that's, it's like, it's like if they said, oh yeah, the final battle is going to happen at Ripken Stadium. And like 2,000 years from now, people are like, oh, look out, it's Snow Ripken Stadium, you know, or whatever the fuck. But when they talked about the end of days in the Bible, they were talking about their own time. A lot of people don't realize that. Talking about what? When they were talking about the Armageddon, Jesus was like, next Tuesday.

Yeah, this is going to be really soon, guys. Right. People don't realize that. Next week. People don't realize lots and lots and lots of stuff. They don't. Josh. Next week. People don't realize lots and lots and lots of stuff. They don't. They don't. Josh, what do you got?

People don't realize this dick ain't going to suck itself. Right? Am I right? Oh, yeah. Doug, you're going to be at RIDAC this week? Yeah, but this won't come out until that's over. This will come out on the 23rd. Alright, I think I'm going to be down

in D.C. at the Wonderland Ballroom on the 27th. Fucking around with them dudes. D.C.'s got a really good crew of young, funny, funny people. Yeah, man. I'm excited about what's happening in D.C. right now. There are some funny

kids, yeah, for sure. Was that your main spot for a while were you in dc before baltimore well i started in baltimore i got most of my work at the baltimore improv when that existed that was where i got my first like professional work but then um there was no there wasn't really a cool scene going on here and while in dc there was just such a cool conglomerate of people like uh you know there was justin schlegelglomerate of people. There was Justin Schlegel, John Muma, Rory Scovel, Ryan Conner, Seton Smith. Rory Scovel was in D.C.?

Sure, yeah. He started in our same crew. Rory Scovel's awesome. Yeah, he's great. What's his name moved back? Danny Ruyeh was in that crew. I saw him the other night. He moved back?

He's back, yeah. Who's that? Danny Ruyeh. He's on a radio show down in D.C. now. Okay, cool. Danny Ruyeh was in that crew. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw him the other night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He moved back? He's back, yeah. Who's that? Danny Ruyeh. He's got a radio show down in D.C. now. Okay, cool. Is he doing like sports radio? Yeah. Yeah, cool.

He's always wanted to do that. Yeah, so it was just such a good group of like funny, funny people. Jay Hastings was in that group. Right. Just like really funny, a great class of people to get started. Andy Klein. You know, Randolph Terrence came back there from New York and started working in that group. And he's still down there.

So it was just a cool scene down there for a while. And now there's cool stuff going on. John X has got Riot Act going. And that's a nice. Yeah, what is Riot Act? Riot Act is a theater comedy club down in Chinatown, right near the Verizon Center. Great walking, foot traffic area. John used to run the DC Improv.

And as far as owners of clubs are concerned, in my opinion, he is one of the coolest people you will come across in the industry. He is just a cool guy. He's a rarity. He's a rarity. He's a nice guy, and he runs a great club. And Riot Act, it's like 801 E Street or something like that in D.C. John's cool as shit. John's cool as shit.

I'm happy to know him. He's like one of those club owners that you're like, seriously? Like you own, you're the fucking, aren't you supposed to act like a dick or something? He asks how you're doing and then he talks to you about it. He doesn't just go, hey, what's up? Okay, cool, let's go. I gotta go.

He's just waiting for him to pull a prank. No, John's... He's just so cool. He's just so cool, yeah. The mustard in my shoes. Come on. Stop. All back to last week.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. How about you, Mr. Mike Stork? What's up? What's up with you? We're going out. When is this coming? Can I be?

This will come out January 23rd. So, I guess after. I'm doing. Let's see. The fifth. No. February 16, 17, 18. I'll be at the laugh shop in Edmonton.

Awesome. And then the following week, I will be in Vancouver at Laugh Lines. Nice. You should just move to Canada, man. Dude, I'm trying. Facebook says you live there. What I do is I change that. I get a lot of people ask me about that.

What I do is when I'm in, say I'm in fucking Tampa or Montreal or whatever, I'll change my current city to that city. So you're a liar. Yes. Cool. Big liar. I also say that I am. Liar Bill.

Yeah. I'm the mayor of Liar Bill. No, wait. I mean president. I'm also a member. It's funny because he's lying about it. Chancellor Stork. I was the president. Then I appointed myself chancellor

Pray I don't appoint myself again You're funny What the fuck was I saying? Oh stop You're funny Stop I like it What was I talking about?

Who gives a shit? I don't know They're the ones that asked us to come here You're just saying where you're going to be You're saying that you changed your location Oh yeah yeah yeah Sorry I'm tired

Yeah like I'll change my So say I'm doing shows in Montreal For the week right So I give out cards and people add me on Facebook But if I change my current city To Montreal for the week, right? And so I give out cards and people add me on Facebook, but if I change my current city to Montreal for that week while I'm there, it makes it easier for those people to find me on Facebook. Right, they just search

Mike Montreal. Mike Storker. Yeah, or whatever, because they're not going to know, was he from Boston? Baham, Baltimore? Bahamas, Baltimore, Boston. They know you're not from the Bahamas. Bombay. What's up with Bahama Civic?

What you doing? What's up with beautiful weather? I get around to the joke when I feel like it. But, yeah, so it just makes it easier for people to find me on Facebook. That's the reason I do it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I'm going to go snowboard when I'm in Vancouver.

Snowboarding. Is that easier than skiing? I think so. It's because he snowboards. Yeah. Skiers would. I knew my dad lied to me. I knew he lied.

Snowboarding's easier, I think. Yeah, it has to be. You got less shit going on. Yeah. And like, you don't have to worry about, like, two in different directions yeah the pizza and french fry i almost flew off the side of a fucking mountain in vermont trying to ski it was terrible it's pretty stupid it yeah it's pretty stupid of you yeah it was you're fucking retard it was dumb i was doing the greens and i was like this is boring let's do a fucking blue. Yeah. Do one of those.

And my dad's like, all right, just follow me. We're just going to go back and forth across the lane. I'm like, all right. So we get off the lift. I'm just, just go like right by it. I'm trying to turn, but I'm not turning at all. And I'm like pizza, French fry. And the weird thing about skiing is when you're going too fast, the way to stop is that you lean forward forward which doesn't make any sense when you're freaking out that you're going too fast like why don't i lean forward that'll slow me down so anyway i come

to a curve in the mountain and they have uh they have a fence set up and it's that orange kind of netting that you see like on like highways and stuff when they're doing construction so i try to make the turn no fucking way i break my pole over my like my ribs when i try to turn and i just tumble tumble tumble right into this fence and then fucking i'm so lucky that my head didn't hit a post but like i roll into this thing and then i look up and i come to it there's just old white people looking at me and i make eye contact with this one guy and he just goes that thing caught you like a baseball glove. And I was like,

holy shit. So now I got to go back down the mountain with like half a pole and my knees all... You're all wrapped up in orange padding. It was fucking terrible, man. Guys, can I tell you

the best part of this entire situation is watching Mike who has to leave squirming uncomfortably. I know. He's jiggling his keys. Let me tell you a story, guys.

Seriously, we're having a lot of fun, but let's slow it down. Mike, why don't you just go? The year's 1987. I'm one year old. You've got Mike Stork here. Break it down, Mike. I can talk until the fucking paint comes off the

walls. But your shirt reminds me of a shirt that I used to have. It was a Palperalta shirt. Oh, yeah. When was this? It's like 1990, I think. Who was president? Jesus.

Tough question. Reagan? Taft? Yeah, I think it was Taft. Or Wilson, maybe? I don't know. Let's look it up on the internet. But it was a black t-shirt with four green snakes, and they were all going wiggly and pointed upwards.

And it was just a design from Pal Peralta's skate shit. Their power bottom series? Like the Bones guy. Yeah, yeah. Extreme power bottom. In elementary school, my friends thought it said boner. They called me boner for like a

day. Boner. It was a boner. I'm seriously leaving now. Bye, Mike. Drop your

butt. Well, you need a ride, don't you? It was a pleasure, Mike. Yeah. All right, let's

wrap it up. All right, let's wrap it up. You're such a bad friend. Thanks for having us on, y'all.

Yeah. Thanks for having us. Come back never. Seriously, don't ever come back. We're going to we're gonna have we're gonna start yeah you guys are leaving we're gonna keep running the podcast come home you guys are wearing my

clothes people in malaysia sit back put your feet up on a rock time for some shows about seriously thank you guys for coming over it was fucking awesome come back anytime bye-bye goodbye dighead Seriously, thank you guys for coming over. It was fucking awesome. Come back anytime. Bye-bye. Goodbye, Dighead. Are we recording?