The Digression Sessions - Ep. 212 - Eric Dadourian (@EricDadourian)

Episode Date: March 20, 2017

Hola Digheads, this week Josh and special guest cohost Umar Khan interview comedian Eric Dadourian in his new pad in Baltimore!   They talk about putting their feet in their mouths, Eric's time on Flophouse on Viceland, having good times, and more!   Follow the podcast, Josh Kuderna, and Mike Finazzo on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram Mike Finazzo - @TheeMikeFinazzo on Twitter The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on iTunes & Stitcher plz!

Hello, this is Nigel from the Tony Cornaggia Show, and you're listening to the Digression Sessions. Did I say that right? Do I get paid now? Can I leave? No, that'll be the whole intro. Who gives a shit? Hey everybody, welcome to the Digression... How many times can Blink-182 mention suburbia? How many times can Umar Khan mention Blink-182? Hey guys.

Hey guys, welcome to the Digression Sessions podcast. Josh Koderna here, sitting in my kitchen with my roomie, my lover, my good friend, Umar Khan. Hello. Hey buddy. How are you? We also have Rudy Hayes here. Give him a shout, Rudy. Hey. Oh, the microphone will pick that up.

No, it won't. No. And yeah, so we did a we did a little interview today with uh comedian eric dadorian yeah it was great uh recent uh la transplant to baltimore and uh it was it was a it was a good one man yeah it was really fun yeah so we went we went over to his place and just uh kind of talked about everything from Trump. Yeah, Trump. To Moonlight. Moonlight.

To Immigrant Parents. Immigrant Parents. And then embarrassing shit that we've said. To people, yes. Yeah, getting suspended, being bad boys. Yeah. But also, good times. Good times. We talk a lot about good times.

We had some good times. Yeah. But yeah, so Eric, he's really funny. He's been on a bunch of stuff. He was on Viceland's Flophouse. Yeah. And you can follow him on Twitter. He's at Eric DeDorian.

Same with Instagram. You can spell his name. It's the same way it's spelled on this episode. So yeah, check him out. And it just so happens that all three of us will be doing a show in Baltimore on April 6th. Yeah, April 6th. Gin and Jokes at Joe Squared.

We are raising money for the Baltimore Abortion Fund. It's an organization that provides safe and affordable abortion services for people who can't afford it. Yeah, which is great. So yeah, come out to that at what? 8 o'clock? 8. to that what eight o'clock uh 8 30 doors nine o'clock show nice and then it'll probably sell out too right yeah we sell out so get your goddamn tickets omar's on a good run of shows you're building your little empire i am right i like it that's fucking great so uh so yes are moving from L.A. to Baltimore. Just to do. Just to do my show, guys.

Exactly. He changed his whole life. That's right. And his fiance was like, yeah, I get it. It's Umar Khan's show. Yeah, we're going to have a mattress on the floor so we can do Umar Khan's show. Yeah, it's worth it. And then, so, yeah, so come to that show.

And then a quick shout out to Mike Fonazzo, who is not on this episode, but he was doing shows with Joey Diaz this weekend at Mugubi's Joke House. And I hear those went really well. Joey Diaz, he said to Fonazzo for the weed he had, he's like, I got the shit that killed Prince, Carrie Fisher, and Carrie Fisher's mom. Did he give some to Fonazzo? I don't know. I haven't talked to him yet. Did they have good times?

I'm sure they had good times. Awesome. I think Joey Diaz had good times like immediately. Really? Yeah. Does he perform high? Dude, he lives high. Really?

He takes like hundreds of milligrams. Like same as like Ralphie May. What? The edibles he gets are called stars of death or something like that. Oh, my God. He must be high for days. Yeah. What did he say?

He's like, this is the stuff where you see the devil's dick, cocksucker. So, yeah. So, we'll get a full rundown of that on the next pod. So, this was just a cool one to talk to Eric since he's been in our lovely city. And, yeah, I think it was good. So, check him out online and come to the shows and let's just cut to the convo, shall we?

Let's do it. Let's cut to Bolton Hill, Baltimore and in Eric's lovely kitchen. Don't get mugged so I can keep kissing you. Stay alive I gotta keep kissing you, bro That's how you say it After you're done kissing Yeah, let's do it

Okay, let's do it This is the start of it We're in Josh Kedern here My good buddy Umar Khan Hello My roomie umis And we're actually at somebody

else's house. Our guest. Whose house? Whose house? Eric DeDorian's house. Hello. Welcome to my house. This is your cribs.

I'm sorry. There's cat litter everywhere. That's cool. Okay. That's a good cup of coffee, Eric. Yeah. Not bad, right? Yeah.

$15 worth. Eric went out, got $15 worth of coffee. He's a good man. Yeah. I love it. He's like, guys, I'm really broke, but- We're sharing one cup of $15 coffee of coffee. He's a good man. Yeah, I love it. He's like, guys, I'm really broke, but... We're sharing one cup of $15 coffee. Yeah, that's true.

We're just passing it around. Sort of like depression era. You get a little sip. I'll take a little sip. Is that how people lived? Yeah, in the depression, they're like, okay, we can only afford one pour over. Times are tough. Let's spread it around.

The coffee was actually really good then. Was it? Because it was pure. Because the dust bowl. pure. Because the dust bowl. Yeah. Because the dust. It's just a cup of dust. The coffee was way less acidic because of all the dust.

Right. I mean, that's science right there. And it came ground, you know? Yeah. Already. Because dust is ground. Yeah. What is dust?

It's like dead skin cells. Oh, God. Grounded skin cells. It's dead. It's just dead life. What is dust? Dust is ground. Yeah. What is dust? It's like dead skin cells. Oh, God. Grounded skin cells. It's dead. It's just dead life. What is happening? It's all of the life that has died. Around you.

Yeah. Yeah. Knocking around. Remind you nothing's permanent. But yeah. So, Eric, thanks for having us over at your apartment for some coffee. Thank you for having me on your podcast. To talk some shit.

Yeah. thank you for having me on your podcast to to talk some uh talk some shit yeah uh but yeah so i first saw you um in new orleans at hell yes fest oh so i drunk the whole time kind of well i saw it was you you're on like it's pretty much like an all-female show yeah and then you came out and uh i was like this guy's really funny and then you go my nipples are hard that's how i know it's a good show i talk about it I talk about my nipples. It started a long time ago. Are they hard right now? A little bit.

A little bit. When we met, we met at Benson Ball in D.C. At the Kennedy Center. At the Kennedy Center, Tig Notaro's festival. You said the same thing? I did. I talk about my nipples a lot. Yeah.

I'm working on a poetry collection about my nipples. Trying to lay it over some music. It's been weird. Being in Baltimore has really opened me up artistically. Yeah, especially in that avenue. I think you're in the perfect city. I think so, too. So I've been working on that.

Yeah, I don't know. I think it goes back to... Nip Town, USA. I used to have huge nipples i still have huge nipples but when i was younger and chubbier they were like really big and it was a big thing yeah hold on i don't want to areola i don't want to actual the areola yeah i have inverted nipples oh yeah they only come out when i'm hard i mean i mean when i'm cold i know what you meant.

I would kill for those. Why? Just because they just only come out. Yeah. They only come out. Mine are just always kind of out. Mine are okay. I don't really have a lot of hair, but I have a lot of hair around my areolas for some reason. I have a lot of hair everywhere.

Yeah. Umar too. Yeah. Yeah, I'm very hairy. I manscape a lot. I just let it go. Yeah, I'm very hairy. I manscape a lot. I just let it go. Yeah, you let it rot. I gotta manscape the neck and the back of the neck.

So it doesn't connect. Oh my God, there's nothing more depressing when it's connecting. It's really bad. It's a full-on werewolf look. Yeah. I even manscape my arm hair. I trim down my arm hair. I don't.

Well, you're nowhere near. No don't. Well, you don't. You're nowhere near. No. Yeah. Mine is not that bad. I get a lot of shoulder stuff. Yeah. I got a thick chest patch.

Yeah. That's getting gray, which is kind of cool. That's cool. I'm getting like gray in my beard and I like it. Yeah. Oh, there's a little bit in there. It's cool, right? Like who gives a fuck?

It's just like such a great change. You're like, oh, thank God. I don't have to look at this it's interesting when you're a hairy dude because like people for some reason feel okay commenting on a dude's body yeah we're like you could never say the things to a woman that people say yeah like nice beard baby which is kind of my nipples thing because it was like i always i have i like developed this like body image issue because of like playing sports and being in locker rooms and like swimming and stuff and people would always make fun of my like my man breasts or whatever really yeah that's fucked up and if

but then i like realized when i got older i was like that's like fucking sexist as like why would it be like yeah why is it a bad thing for a dude to have tits you know like women have tits everyone has tits you thought this when you were like 12 that's crazy i didn't think that when i was 12 okay i was just feeling bad about myself when i was like 12 i didn't think that till i was you know 23 i don't know i don't know it was 2003 everybody was woke everyone was the early woke the really woke years nobody was people yeah yeah i was in 11th grade so i was probably pretty woke yeah totally uh i think i was still calling people gay because i didn't know that was a bad thing not just people anything that was dumb anything anything i didn't

even want to do oh yeah yeah everyone was a fact like it was not good wait denny's is gay i don't want to go can i ask you how old you guys were in 2003? Yeah, I was probably 2000. I graduated high school in 2006. Okay. Oh, so you're younger. 15, 14. Yeah, I graduated in 2004, so I was 17 or 16. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Yeah. I was 21. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah. I was 21. I was living in Boston, and it was...

Boston's the wokest. No, it's not. You respect a woman's right to choose, Chowderhead. Okay? Yeah. No, I was not woke. What was my thing? I was like...

I said the R word a lot. Yes. Can I say this? I still say it. And I'm a school psychologist. I know. That's crazy. But crazy is where I can't call people crazy.

I mean, there's limits to every wokeness, which is what I love. And you can make your own boundaries. It is funny when somebody's like, I'm more woke than you. Yeah. Would somebody do that? Like crazy? Crazy? Oh, for sure.

Right? Yeah. I don't use the word crazy. Yeah, there you go. For people or in general? I'll be like, oh, that's crazy. Because that's your thing. Oh, at work, I don't use it.

Yeah, you can't. At work, I don't say retarded or anything. Well, I mean, if you have to write it down for a diagnosis. Yeah, I'll say like that's crazy or that's but like. I say nuts a lot. Nuts. Yeah, mental when I'm trying to be British. Oh, God.

Are you mental? It's mental. I think that when I get into my British shit is when I'm the least woke. Oh, yeah. Because you can say cunt. I stay. I'm so fucking. I mean, towards British people, like in their appropriation.

I just rip their British asses up. I love it so much. Okay. Well, yeah. So, yeah yeah you're a comedian and uh so let's i don't know much about you though as far as like where you're from and stuff so i didn't know you lived in boston i lived in boston for a little over a year i was born in beirut lebanon no shit yeah and then uh we moved to la when i was eight. Why LA? There's, I mean, there's like, hello. Hi. Picture.

There was just a lot of, we had family there. LA is like an immigrant hub. Okay. Especially for Armenians and like Middle Easterners. Right. Or Arabs, specifically like Lebanese and like Syrians um and i don't know and then we moved to la and then uh that's where i lived then there was an earthquake uh and then i lived in san francisco for a while with my first ex-girlfriend okay and then i lived in boston for oh that was

before boston was before the san francisco and then i just lived I just moved to Baltimore two months ago yeah which was crazy it's crazy it's a crazy move but I love it and it's like it's kind of like it kind of worked out to be kind of like a midlife crisis type thing where I was like in LA but in a good way yeah I don't know if that makes sense yeah um because there was some cool stuff going on in la for me like in comedy and acting shit um but that stuff is kind of exhausting i love i mean there's so many people that i started comedy with in la that i love they're still there yeah um but i just needed you know we just had to make a fucking dumb ass move right well across the country at the worst time in america's history jesus christ yeah so this is the worst time in america dude it's getting there right it's one of them i mean no it's not it's well like yeah people do go a little far like the

country has never been more divided it's like we had a civil war literally right right like i don't i mean i guess like modern history i don't really consider like, I think that like the Civil War and slavery is just like. It's not that long ago. It wasn't. I know. I know. Because the country's not that old. But I just feel like that is like, I always think of it as like the bedrock of the country.

Like that's what like this country was founded on genocide and slavery. Yeah. And then the history of the america began like it was like you know what i'm saying like now let's get started wait that clear right let's start over genocide slavery okay cool we're settled in game we're like you know restart yeah yeah yeah or like golf it's a mulligan like all right don't write that down that's not on our school we're gonna take a mulligan on the genocide. Okay. Fresh start. Yo, that is so funny.

You took a mulligan on their history. Take that off the scorecard. We're pretty great. We're a great country. Oh, my God. I mean, people say that. They're like, oh, yeah, slavery. When you bring up slavery, they're like, oh, yeah, and slavery.

That was it. That was the thing. Did you hear what donald trump said oh no i'm sure it was very woke yeah he was um touring the the new um african-american smithsonian museum and uh he was like oh slavery that was bad yeah yeah did he say wait i thought did he say it wasn't good yes oh it was that's what the word i mean how worse like how worse is that though yeah it's amazing yeah it wasn't good slavery that wasn't good that was the same weekend when he was like had a twitter beef with john lewis and then it like later came out that he had no idea who john lewis was yeah or he didn't know who frederick douglas was yes he's basically he's like and f Frederick Douglass was. Yes. He's basically like, and Frederick Douglass is kind of getting his due, which is long

overdue. Yeah. Donald Trump's like, I'm going to give him that Donald Trump bump. Yeah, exactly. Let's get him some Twitter followers, alright? Let's get Fred some followers. He's just never known a black person in his life, I don't think. Omarosa.

That's his contact who's that she is a chick from like the apprentice when it was oh yeah yeah i just read about her and now she like literally works for trump and like she's like a reality star right right yeah i'm i love that uh you just read about amarosa no i because i wasn't even i didn't know who she was um until i read about the i read that new New York magazine piece on Kellyanne Conway. Oh, my God. I didn't read that. Oh, it's got this like, she got a cover piece and it's kind of like.

Do they, are they honest? They're pretty honest. It's kind of, it's kind of an endearing portrait of her in a little way. Like, like she's just like smiling and happy. I'm like the mag on the cover of New York magazine. And, um, and the article has like crazy access.

That's what blew me away. I was like, how does this person get this much access from like the, like from Bannon? There's like hella Bannon quotes in it. And it's weird. I still don't know what that guy's voice sounds like. I don know which kind of makes him scarier to me that's true i don't know either right i've only just read stuff i've never yeah exactly i've never heard him speak

though i didn't know he was um until like right after the election i didn't know he was like such a big hollywood player yeah and that's the funny thing. He's produced a lot of movies. And he also works for Goldman Sachs, too. Him and Mnuchin. Mnuchin, too. Mnuchin is a big time. I think Mnuchin produced Moonlight. He's one of the producers of Moonlight.

Yeah, and like Sean Spicer did, too. He produced Suicide Squad or something. Yeah, he did. Rich people control so many. It's insane how few people control things also people pretend to like not be like uh you know romantic about the movies and like hollywood and stuff and the arts they'll like turn around and be like if they have an opportunity to produce a movie move and meet a movie star they're gonna fucking do it oh totally million percent yeah that's why it's so funny too of trump being like these hollywood elites and these liberals and stuff and goldman sachs

and wall street it's like yo that is like most of your cabinet right yeah all of steve bannon it's like all of those arguably the only honest job he's ever held down was uh tv personality like i don't he hasn't really no put in a day was work unless it's like ever apprentice yeah and yeah i'm sure that was tough too oh god um okay so we're kind of uh all over the place yeah yeah so they got crazy but it was like we drove here that was nuts that was like that was when it really sunk in that i that i thought trump was gonna win was when it really sunk in that I thought Trump was going to win, was when we were just driving across the country and just seeing so many Trump signs. Yeah.

Especially in Pennsylvania. Like the last leg, when we were driving through Pennsylvania, I was like, oh, we're fucked. Oh, this game's like over. Yeah, I grew up about an hour from here on Kent Island. It's like the eastern shore of Maryland. And if you go there, it's like liberals don't exist. I's like the eastern shore of maryland and if you go there it's like liberals don't exist i heard about this eastern shore yeah i heard about this eastern i mean there's some but like it's crazy just an hour away like it looks like a different place as far

as like signs and all that stuff and that's i mean that's true pretty much everywhere like cal la is like that you drive outside of la uh for an hour, you can find Knoller Bowls. Right, right. Find what? Knoller Bowls. An hour outside of LA. I thought you said Knoller Bowls. Knoller Bowls.

You know about Knoller Bowls, right? I do, dude. They run the country. Anyway, we were brought to you today by Knoller Bowls. You can microwave them on the go. They're really good. Dishwasher safe. But yeah, so yeah, I saw you in New Orleans at Hell Yes Fest, and you were hilarious and

killing, and then Viceland came. Viceland. Viceland. That's how you say it. And that channel came around, and you guys were on Flophouse. Yeah. I was like, oh, it's that dude, I think. And then he talks about your nipples.

I was like, it's definitely that guy. I change my look a lot, and so I think a lot of people can't. I just have one of those dumbass faces, too. My face is super dumb. People can't recognize it. But I definitely talked about my nipples a lot. Yeah. Flophouse was really fun.

Yeah. It was weird. I'm not really happy with my performance on it. What? Like, stand-up-wise or just in general? Just in general. Really? I'm kind of...

I'm like... It usually takes me, like, a couple of times to do anything right. Yeah. I mean, anything. Same. And being on a television show is a pretty big deal. And so the first time I was just really annoying and not really being myself, which is the thing that I fucking hate.

Oh, okay. Yeah, you didn't come off that way. I mean, it's one thing you're more self-critical when you say like oh i realize i'm doing this shit yeah like other people and again like and i was i just uh was just drinking a lot i guess it's like a theme now because now it's like you only see me when i'm really drunk and performing i guess not now yeah not now but in new orleans i was really drunk and then everybody was though how could you not be it was just alcohol and poe boys that place has a crazy place yeah that is a crazy crazy place that was my first time there it's that was my first time there too yeah yeah

i love that you can drink in the streets so that's great i was just too much it was too much i have no self-control right or i definitely didn't have any then but yeah and then if you can drink in the streets it's like why it's too much um yeah but flop house is super fun and it obviously gave me a chance to like because i'd never um really lived with comedians uh-huh so was that were you actually living with people yeah i was living with solomon giorgio and james austin johnson yeah. And it was incredible. It was a really... It was like a really disgusting house.

Like, was it actually... Yeah, did they play that shit up? They did play it up. It was pretty gross. It wasn't as gross as it looked. Gross. Yeah. There's a mattress on the floor.

What? Oh, my God. A rat's a sous chef. Why is the rat doing a sous chef? Why is there a functioning kitchen? Why is there a kitchen staff, but it's rats? Do they pay that rat? Does he live here, too?

Damn. You guys are wild. I hope you guys made some money off Ratatouille. We did. Good. It was a tie-in, right? We totally forgot about Ratatouille until after that whole set piece we spent fifteen thousand dollars on a rat kitchen staff did disney's tiny little like a lady like tiny lazy

susan rat lazy susan's rat lazy like why does this rat sound like patten what's he doing that was a big get when we got pattenon, I was like, okay, cool. God, we should do a behind the flop house. You're like, the character of Eric was really tough. I just pitched Pixar movies. It was really fun. I walked Tyler, the creator. Oh, out of the show?

The rapper. Yeah, he like... For real? Yeah, because there was like... They were like, we're going to have some like... We're going to have people coming in. Like people are going to be filtering in and out. Like vice producers planted people.

They didn't plant. They just invited people. It was just like a party. And it was pretty fun. Cool. Then... So then like a bunch of like odd feature dudes and tyler creator walked in because it was in the back the show was in the garage in the back and i was on stage and i just see like

tyler creator like walk up to the audience and kind of like check in for a second just kind of stare and just turned around and walked away yeah he was like yo let's just talk about his name i know but that's that's kind of how i took it i didn't really take it as i was like oh i just out weirded the weirdest dude in the world that's pretty cool not familiar with him but he oh he's a rapper and he's like a producer and he is he's super young he's still yeah he's like 2021 yeah he came up in la and he's just he's just really wild has just like incredible energy that's uh really kinetic is that the right way is he the one that banned the internet no but they're awesome i just got into them they're really good they're incredible listen to them more they're so good

yeah i spent like an entire day just like in the internet yeah in a good internet black hole rabbit hole yeah all right anyway soophouse, and then you, how many performances did you guys film? We did three. Okay. That's cool. And then did they splice them all together? No, each one was its own episode.

Oh, okay, okay. And then we did, so each night we did two comedy shows, essentially. Oh, nice. Yeah. So it was kind of like, it was kind of hard to pull off because it's like hard to keep energy going in a room as obviously as you guys know but people were really great and

there was like tons of free pizza and beer that's awesome yeah and i like that lance bangs shot it he seems awesome he's the best it was really cool i mean i like being like a huge jackass i was about to say from jump we love jackass too yeah he's the guy like the unabashedly right really yeah that's lance bangs and so he filmed flop house oh right that's awesome yeah i got to live my dream of doing like a really good pratfall oh for in one of the episodes i was like i gotta eat some shit in front of lance bangs that'll be fun and um and aristotle jordson had uh uh one of those like hoverboard things and he shut off that was really fun i think that's in the first episode or the second one but yeah lance is incredible yeah and um and like spike jones came to one of them

that was crazy yeah you'd like have to make it a thing to not fanboy out on this is one of the things where i'm like i really just fanboyed out and i was like really worried really really weird and like my energy gets really manic when i fanboy or like am awkward um where i don't like my social awkwardness isn't like it's outward and so i just get like really loud like audibly louder and annoying and like bro-y. And so I felt really bad about that. Like that's what I feel bad about the Flophouse thing. It was like not really myself.

And I'm like 34 years old. Like stop acting like this. But yeah, it was, I mean, yeah, I was just like, oh God. And then I like, and then I made a joke about her. I made like a mean joke about the movie Her It was like 20 minutes too long You said that to him? I said, well, because he like

Hey, big fan, Her, a little long though I gotta get out of here One of the things they had him doing was giving people haircuts Yeah And so I sat down in front of him And I'm like, bald And so he's like, I of him, and I'm bald. And so he's like, I don't know how to cut. There's nothing to cut.

But he just kind of snipped around. I can see the joke now. Yeah, thank you. And it wasn't a joke about her. It was a joke about me. Yeah. But yeah, I was really proud of it. I know you don't know how to cut.

I'm seeing her. Yeah. Oh, no, that wasn't a joke know how to cut. I'm speaking her. Yeah. Oh, no, that wasn't the joke. That wasn't? Oh, no, that's a way better joke than my joke. That's what I was thinking, too. My joke was I got a haircut from Spike Jonze earlier. Like her, it was 20 minutes too long.

Oh, that's still good. Yeah. Because why would you spend that much time cutting my hair? Yeah. Right. Yeah, your joke was way better. Yeah. Thanks, guys. You're welcome. Hey, take that. We? Yeah. Right. Yeah, your joke was way better. Yeah. Thanks, guys.

You're welcome. Hey, take that. We can punch that up. Yeah, no problem. You want to go back in time? That's what this podcast. That's what I would do. If I had a time machine, the one thing I would do is I would go back.

And your life would be so much better. So much better. You'd be starring in the next Spike Jonze movie. I would have been in Moonlight, I think. Yeah. Totally. I think your life would be. You would have played the lead in Moonlight.

I think your life would be exactly the same, but you're on this podcast. You're like, dude, I burned Spike Jonze so good. Dude, you'd be getting an H.J. on the beach. Yeah, he quit. He quit movies. He cried, dude. He quit.

He threw his camera away. He stepped on it. He stepped on it. And that was it. He was out of that. He spells his Jones with an s now yeah he just gave up he's like i'm a fraud what am i doing spell it with an s you weirdo yeah i was a big i did fanboy arthur because i loved those uh like the director dvds did you guys

ever see those it was like michelle gondry and spike jones released these dvds there's like a bunch of their music videos and like commercials and shit that they shot. And they just kind of talk about them? It's just a collection of them and then there's a couple of short films. And Spike's from around here, right? He's from Orange County. Oh, is he?

I thought he did something out here. We're potting in LA. For those listening. We're back in LA. We drove across yeah just for this interview i didn't realize until i moved to baltimore that drew hill is from baltimore drew at hill park drew at hill that literally i had a mind-blowing experience oh really having that same revelation i was like perform like at lexington market that's what i my co-workers

told me about the chocolate shop yeah that's how they got discovered it was the fudge company yeah cisco man what the fuck is they're doing can you imagine him in a like working with like his little Yeah, that's how they got discovered. It was the fudge company. Cisco, man. What the fuck is that? Can you imagine him working with his little apron in a fudge shop just singing to himself? Silver hair. Yeah, perfect. Perfect ass. It's just him.

I met someone who bragged that the house we rent in Cisco used to live here. And I was like, who gives a fuck like like one day well and then another person chimed in like i don't know if that's actually true and i was like even if it is it don't care yeah let them have it what yeah right what was that in disney was it in drew drew hill like reservoir somewhere yeah res hill res hill that's what they call that's gonna be our band yeah res hill res hill what up coffee break we're on oh that's my band name is coffee break it's just me for real no okay it's a tight band name that's a good band do you guys play music yeah josh does oh cool i was up playing music with my buddy last night till like three that's the rocked hard jam time yeah it was fun that's so really fun yeah uh do you play kind of i'm not really good i have like

yeah james austin john i play a keyboard and like we'll fuck around some drums if there are drums around yeah child anytime there's drums around i have to like try to play drums i was like that too and then i uh a couple years ago i was like fuck it i'm just gonna buy electronic drums yeah they're perfect for the city so yeah if you come by we can jam dude i want to jam so bad let's do it um i have a bass that i need to get fixed but i wanted and i had like a loop pedal and i was like trying oh those are the best yeah loop a bass like a bass line and then like put some guitar on top i do like just drum beats off my keyboard and then like synths uh-huh and then i chant poems about my nipples over them. That's cool. And that's Coffee Break?

That's Coffee Break. Technically, it's Phantom Bangs. That's the name of the band. I might change it to Coffee Break. Phantom Bangs is a fucking good name, but Coffee Break? Fuck. I like them both. I feel like Coffee Break needs to be like a hardcorecore noise band

Yeah You know Like a noise punk Yeah it sounds like Like punks that got older They're like dads But they're still rocking Yeah

You know Well Descendants Sung about coffee a lot Is that true? Mmhmm Yeah The Descendants That they're a pop punk band

Yeah California They're so good I need to get back into punk Yeah I've been diving deep into it Is that the daddest thing so good i need to get back into punk yeah i uh i've been diving deep into it the daddest thing i've ever anyone's ever should i get back in i'm gonna get back in honey honey should we listen to punk again i'm gonna find some time this weekend and i'm gonna

get back into punk yeah let's do that okay i went to an afi concert like a month ago uh-huh it was so fucking good dude it looked really fun it made like, now I'm just going back through, like, all this old shit I used to listen to, like, AFI, but then also, like, the queers and, like, TSOL and shit. Oh, yeah. Yeah, TSOL is great. Did you ever listen to them? They're from Orange County. They're so cool. Their biggest song is about fucking dead bodies.

It's called Cold Blue. Hell, yeah. It's so good. I think I've heard it. Hell, yeah. bodies it's called cold blue hell yeah so good i think i'm hell yeah i feel bad because like josh and i live together and uh i like listening to music while i shower yeah oh yeah it's the best put on like really shitty music while i shower so then i try to pick like nicer music so they don't have to hear like oh no you gotta just you gotta just go with how you feel yeah

that's that's fine i mean i already know what you listen to it's fine yeah i have no like yeah yeah no yeah right right josh is trying to have a nice morning and right right i told you about this umar but the singer for afi who's really going hard for the goth thing and oh yeah it's a summer tour oh yeah and it's all in parking lots it's oh yeah fuck out he's shirtless but he's walking i love it come on dude i love that shit goth is just the best thing in the world it's just so over the top i went to coachella one year the year uh a year that the cure headlined oh my god and it was to this day i think on record is like the hottest coach it was like 114 degrees it was makeup yeah sweating but these like

fucking and still like this is like 2004 or whatever there was the cure had this like crazy following of like teens yeah yeah like committed and like not wavering huh oh i love i still love the care i'll like love the care forever meriwether they did that curioso tour really pretty cool yeah uh muse was on it and um uh glass jaw side project head automatica was on it so good oh head automatica was good yeah yeah they're on the side stage yeah but yeah i think the cure they had a thing where like you could show robert smith on the cameras because you know that there's like the big screens you can watch him they would zoom in on everybody else but robert smith like if you saw him it was like his whole body. Because I guess he asked not to have a close-up of his face.

That's hilarious. Yeah. Because he does look pretty fucking... He's a little haggard. He does not look good. No. You get older. I mean, if you don't exercise or anything, you get older, you're going to balloon up a little.

In the road, man. Living on the road. You don't think Robert Smith worked out? You don't think he does like P90 with his makeup on wait p90 he had a naturally he had a naturally tight little body and i think that he was like he's one of those guys that it's like i'm just gonna like not worry about working out yeah it's fine and that's what happens yeah that's great your body goes to shit it just goes to shit no No. You know, that's funny. Like, that, like, as an adult thing to say, like, oh, I'm going to listen to punk.

But I was hanging out with my friend. She has a kid. And so we hang out sometimes. And I was talking to her and another mom. And I was like, are weekends lame when you have kids? Like, do you guys? And the mom was like, well, what do you do on weekends? Like, I get up early.

I go to the farmer's market i get coffee do laundry and she's like so far your life is just like mine yeah yeah except she's like i feed my kid yeah yeah except i'm contributing something good to the world i don't know what you're doing no she didn't say that that's just how i felt another woke battle yeah i'm actually good but it's just how I felt. Another woke battle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm actually a good person. But it's just like, fuck, maybe I should just have a kid now. Yeah. If my life's not going to change. It feels like once you get over that initial dread of being responsible for another person's

life in every single way, then you can just, yeah, go to the farmer's market. Yeah. Like, chill out. Yeah. Yeah. Just put the kid in that little papoose thing and, yeah, you're good. Yeah, but it's just like, I don't know. Like, just put the kid in that little papoose thing and, yeah, you're good. Yeah, but it's just, like, I don't know. I used to do an old joke about how, like, I want to be –

I really want to have kids and I want to be a parent, but I'm, like, not ready and I just want to do it for a little bit. Like, not being a nanny – because I used to be a nanny. That's awesome. But just, like, in the grocery store when you see someone who is, like, overwhelmed and be like, do you want to just go outside for a minute and I'll just, like – here's my, like – and, like, you sign someone who's like overwhelmed and be like be like do you want to just go outside for a minute and i'll just like here's my like and we like you sign up for like through a registry and it's like you're like not a creep yeah you show your card yeah i'm registered

with this and then you just hang out with the kid for like 10 minutes and the parent comes yeah like a smoke break yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah. Background checks and everything. Yeah, they go use the bathroom. So extensive. Yeah. Yeah. That would be insane to strangers. Yeah. That is like essentially babysitting. It's Uber.

I thought you were saying it's Uber for babysitters. Uber doesn't like background checks. No, it's Lyft. I guess it's Lyft. No, Uber doesn't either. Wait, Lyft? They're both evil companies. Lyft is?

Tell me about, is Lyft evil too? Why is Lyft? They're both evil companies. Lyft is? Tell me about... Is Lyft evil too? Why is Lyft evil? Because both Lyft and Uber do things like... I don't want to talk. It's not funny. No one gives a shit. I want to know though. None of this has been funny.

Really? I thought it was really funny. Don't you like get self-conscious? Because I don't podcast as much as you do. But every time I'm talking and when I listen to podcasts, people are like, no one wants to hear this. I'm like, no, I do. But people are like, no one wants to hear this. I'm like, no, I do. But now I'm thinking, nobody wants to hear anything.

Yeah, most podcasts aren't hilarious the whole time through. Also, who wants to be fucking funny all the content time? It's exhausting, dude. If I listen to a podcast and it's just an interesting conversation, I love that shit. That's true. All right, cool. All right, so Uber and Lyft, they do things like...

Well, we're out of time. I want to say. And that's how comedy works. Thank you so much. We had a great time. I love shit like that. Somebody call me a cab. Dude, my laugh.

I can't say that on air. It doesn't matter. When you're having a good time? Since I've started having good times, my laugh has changed. I love that. That's good. It's kind of like breathy now. Like good times.

Is it like less anxious? Is that what it is? Like good times. Oh. But I'm not having a good time. No, I'm having a good time, but I'm not on a good time no I'm having a good time but I'm not on a good time you know what I mean I'm on a real good time brother

but I'm still laughing like that it's weird I do that too when I'm having a good time sometimes I'll just like like a weird cliched good time laugh will escape my mouth I'm like where the fuck did that come back yeah i'm from

spicoli yeah yeah one time josh and i were having such a good time we went to the movies i just had one come out right there that sounds like we were fucking each other this is so funny because we're like in the fbi right yeah well i'm i'm like yeah i mean you know yeah so we're having a good time it's so great too because if one of your supervisors was listening like what is he trying to say just express yourself what is he saying or if anybody's doing background checks on us it's like a dude who was born in Beirut. He's like, what the fuck are they talking about? We do this on purpose.

We make the first 30 minutes of the podcast boring so potential supervisors, when they're trying to listen, all right, this sucks. All right, we're done. And now, guys, let's talk about good times. But we were having a really good time. I can't wait to keep saying that.

You want to have a good time? Yeah. That is a new way I'm going to say that. Yeah, that's great. We had a good time. And we went to the movies. And it was so weird because it was raining only on our car. It was pouring.

And then we made it. Oh, no. That's from cartoons. That only happened. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Were we in a cartoon? Yeah, dude. We was in a cartoon.

Dude. And then we go to the movies and our buddy works there yeah he's a manager at the movie theater out in uh towson okay it's huge the cinemark yeah so yeah there's like you have to go up like a flight of literally 50 steps oh i love those it was cool like you walk in it's just this huge grand thing i love and then our buddy who works there he he looks i don't know what is he like mid-20s maybe yeah totally but he looks younger okay and he has to like dress up for it but it looks like he like took his dad's clothes and was like i'm the manager that's why sean spicer looks yeah yeah but it's just some people just look like that yeah yeah but like he wore a plaid target button down and and then like a blazer with the shoulders too big and like an off like solid yellow tie like it looked like i'm just gonna like combine everything

it wasn't like david burn cool is what you're saying it was cool but it just looked like it was like mismatched and then he's just at the top of the stairs. And we're like, I mean, we're having a good time. We're high on ourselves. You got to dub in. We're having a good time. High on the movies. Yeah, we're high on the movies. But we look up and then he's just the top of like these 50 stairs.

And he just raises his arms. We're like, yes. And he walks down all the stairs like that too i was dying so funny and then like we felt like kings because we got in for free yeah and then then he goes you want some popcorn we're like yes and then so he's like i'll bring it to you and we're like oh hell yeah so we go in the theater yeah we're sitting in the theater and we're just like yo i can't wait for this fucking free popcorn and he comes in with a yeah literally a two gallon or five gallon it was huge it was a ziploc bag gallon ziploc bag so it's kind of like

the inverse of walking in instead we're up top at the movie theater then he's at the bottom and he just appears and he just holds a bag up like this get it up here he was your good time daddy yes he was yeah he was just like daddy the whole he was he was our course i've had so many i've had so many like popcorn meals at movies where i'm like i'm should i go to dinner and watch a movie and just go see a movie and just eat popcorn then and then you like when you eat that much popcorn you can't eat anything for two days but you're also hungry

at the same time. Yeah, you feel like shit and you're like I can't eat. Yeah. Yeah, no way. Yeah. What movie did you see?

Do you remember? Hell or High Water. Hell or High Water. I need to fucking watch that. I heard it was really good. It was pretty tight. I dug it. I had fun.

Yeah. We watched it twice actually. Both times. There you go. Both times we've seen it we were having good times. Good times. Good times. Fuck you go. Both times we've seen it, we were having good times. Good times. Good times.

Fuck, what was I going to say? What's the last movie you saw? Great question. Thank you. I love those movies now. John Wick 2. Oh, how was it? It was awesome.

Is it? Yeah. I'm a big Wick head. I bought in. As soon as I saw the trailer for the first one, I was like, yep. Yeah. I'm a big Wickhead. I bought in. As soon as I saw the trailer for the first one, I was like, yep. Yeah. I'm a huge, huge Wickhead from Jump. I even wrote myself into the first one and would do a scene on stage.

And I'd be like, hey, did anyone see John Wick? And everyone's like, no. And then I'd be like, well, you're not going to get this, but I'm going to do it anyway. I'm a Wick guy. And it was a British guy. He was like a British assassin who was a little past his prime. Yeah.

But John Wick liked him because he always made him laugh. Right. He was the only guy who could make John Wick laugh. Can we hear a little bit of it? All right. So he's sitting. So John Wick comes to the hotel where all the bit of it? All right. So he's sitting. So the context.

So John Wick comes to the hotel where all the assassins live and he's covered in blood. And he walks up to the bar and he asked for like a towel or something, a moist towel. And I'm sitting at the bar by myself nursing a scotch. And I looked, I turned to him and I go, fucking hell, John. Why must we kill everyone? And then I finished my him and I go, fucking hell, Joan. Why must we kill everyone? And then I finished my drink and walk out. And it got nothing? It never got anything because it's like so fucking, like nobody saw that movie really.

The first one anyway, at first. Yeah, but number two is a big deal. Oh, dude. Yeah, they got a lot of money. They got a lot of money. Yeah. I love going to the movies. Yeah, me too.

Yeah, I saw Logan and Get Out. I want to see those. Those are the two. I want to see both of them. I want to see both of those back to back. We should have some good times. Good times and watch the movies. I would see either of those again. Oh, let's do it.

Yeah. Logan is really tight. I want to do that. Yesterday, that's all I wanted to do was have a good time and go to the movies. And I wanted to see Logan or Get Out. Yeah. But my buddy didn't want to. to do was have a good time and go to the movies and i wanted to see logan or get out yeah but my buddy uh didn't want to and so me and my brother we were like all right well what do you want to see and so we decided on moonlight there you go you've never seen it no i haven't seen it yet

either and and i know that you're the lead in it so i really want to i actually lost it it was it was it was it was down to me and the and the little one and the little and the little and uh he killed it i'm just picturing the trailer now with like those two dudes and i think also like i'm picturing like you're it's really funny but it's like so like i can't like i don't even like making this but it's so funny. Just for the listeners, I'm not white. So I'm going to say this. I'm white, but I'm woke. Hell yeah.

And I'm not white. I'm not woke. But that's okay. Right. You need another W. Non-white. Non-woke. Not.

No way. No way. Yeah. Okay. And. That'll be your punk thing. That's a coffee break song right there yeah that's a good chant yeah what not white not woke not woke no way okay that's good i like it but the joke is dead now yeah sorry yeah i just picture like no yeah i'm not gonna even do it i

can't we gotta escape this bit let's do Let's exit. Let's get out of here. Let's get out. Let's get out. I want to say that so bad. At the end of Get Out, the credits come up and a guy behind me says, fucking white people. What? Oh, my God. My brother.

I also want to see I'm Not Your Negro. Yeah, me too. It's amazing. And my brother told me the best fucking story. So he was at the Charles Theater. Yeah. It was like a local, whatever. Yeah, it's a great theater if you haven't been.

That's where I saw Moonlight. Because I think my brother saw it right when it was coming out and it was packed. So they had to like, there was like two different movies that were like really crowded. So one guy's like, okay, so i'm not your negro line over here but as um as he was finishing it these two black dudes came in and they just heard negro line over here oh my god my brother heard the black i go do you hear what this fucker just said oh no i like would live for that moment like a cur your enthusiasm moment i'm just like no no no yeah and i told him about your watermelon joke oh yeah yeah so like you want to what is it

burn that no i don't know i mean it's a little long too oh well yeah i could i could tell it um you can just like do like so so it actually kind of happened to a to a friend of mine but she's not a comedian it's one of those things like oh can i have that story right um oh i'm totally taking rahil's story and making it as my own yeah yeah yeah uh but she worked at trader joe's and uh there was a a older black woman came in and uh she asked one of the employees she's like do you guys have any watermelons and she's like uh i don't know i can check we might have some in the back maybe they came in uh and so that person walks away that woman's standing there and then like she kind of like meanders away and then a similar looking woman is comes over and is standing where that woman is oh no it comes back and her back is to her oh no excuse me ma'am uh We're out of water No No

Just to a random No Yes I told my brother That story He died Just a random moment Like and if I got To witness that

Like I wouldn't need To live Like I would kill myself Cause nothing could be Better than that moment Just yeah Because it's also like A good learning moment

Yeah It's like That's the best part of it Is like You're gonna be way more careful Next time aren't you About everything Oh it's bad like a good learning moment yeah it's like that's the best part of it is like you're gonna be way more careful next time aren't you about everything oh it's bad dude i mean i've done worse stuff like oh i have too i've done um i used to run a show uh called uh super comedy and uh and uh um we had problems with like homeless people sneaking into our show and like it was fine.

I don't care if you're there, but the venue didn't want them there because they would bring in outside drinks. And one time, this group of white people are walking in, and they all have glass cups with beer. There's a black dude with them, but he has a solo cup with booze. And the dude, the white guy, handed me a 20 he handed me a 20 and they're all walking in and i literally put my hand on the black man's chest and i said no dude you can't come in and then the white guy turns out like hands on him the white guy turned around he's like yeah i just but i he can't i just paid for him and i was like oh i'm sorry well i'm just gonna crawl up my own butthole and die i have to know what the what was what was the next thing that happened yeah i just said sorry and i yeah i left yeah you had to just

get out of there oh yeah i don't want to talk like because but to be fair to me like the the black guy he solo cup yeah solo cup and he also just like was not verbal like he was talking like he looked and i i don't know like what his deal with this he just looked very inebriated and i felt really bad well he probably was yeah and that's okay yeah but like fuck and i'm like how do you walk out of that situation the no hit like like the no on the chest, like the hand on the chest. Oh, God. It's so aggressive. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like such of like, I'm better than you. Like, no, sir. This is no, sir. And then like, could you imagine like those people then like I'm on stage trying to tell jokes like there's no way they like me. Yeah. Like, oh, God, that's brutal. That sucks. jokes like there's no way they like me yeah like oh god that's brutal that sucks i um i still it's

and you still cringe about it like every single time you think about it and it'll like think about i'm like like this is just like popping your head sometimes and you're like yeah yeah or like you know i work in baltimore city schools right and i do like uh i have to do like observations of kids in the classroom. I've totally done a 30-minute observation, and it's been the wrong kid the whole time. For one time, I went to go grab a kid. I have to do IQ tests, too. And sometimes you break it up in parts.

And so the second time I was going up to finish uh i grabbed the wrong kid i was like all right man so we're just gonna pick up where he left off he's like what are you talking about and i was like oh you're not the right kid but that just happens yeah i mean you're racist no it's kids fucking you know yeah i can't help it that like i'm in this school one day a week and uh yeah all black people look the same to me that's not your fault it's not my that's not your fault no it's not your fault. That's not your fault. No, it's not your fault. No, no, not at all.

I was just thinking about my own story. Oh, tell me your story. Which is I used to work, when I was younger, I worked at a restaurant Sunday mornings early in the morning, and I used to drink a lot. And it was the day after Fourth of July, and I was so hungover, I had to be in at work at 7 a.m., open Sunday breakfast. Probably still a little drunk, hungover. Definitely still drunk. Oh, my God. That's a nightmare. That was the best time.

It's like when you're still drunk in the morning, you're still having a good time. As soon as that morning drunk wears off and it's lunchtime, then it's crash city, and my brain just shuts down. And that's where i was right uh and uh these two dudes came in and they like i must have just registered in my brain at one point like oh these these guys are a couple um and they were and then so one of like i was so i'm talking to them tell them the lunch special, and they asked me what kind of dressing we have, what our house dressing is. And the dressing is a low-fat yogurt vinaigrette.

Okay. But what I said was... Oh, my God. Yeah. And I said, and I did not say fat. And so I sat, and I was like, and I said it. And the guy I was talking to just like started laughing. He just immediately started cackling.

But his partner was not pleased. So what'd you do? I said, I literally said, I'm sorry, and walked away. Oh, my God. And walked away and like went into the back and just like freaked out and then i came back and i was like so i'm buying your lunch um and i'm really i'm really really sorry was he cool he was great about it but his partner remained not cool about it i think that's such an accident it's just such that word though yeah it's a trigger you can't fuck with it yeah no way dude i think that's the

right move to like all right i need to get away from this. And then saying, buy their lunch. And like, thank God for the dude who I said it to who was like an angel about it. Like an incredible, I was like, you're being way better for human being than I deserve from you right now. Right, right. But yeah, it was great. But I was like, you know, 22.

Yeah, yeah. God damn. I think about that all the time. That's one thing. we're like could you like were you outside of your body at that point oh yeah embarrassed oh god and i'm a person who's embarrassed constantly oh really i say stupid shit all the fucking time i do too yeah i'm dumb as fuck yeah there's like 10 things about f said in this podcast. I mean, yeah. Josh, it's my favorite story. We might have said this.

I don't know. That's fine. But I remember I came home one night after drinking. And Josh and his girlfriend, Karen, were home. And he was like, dude, I just did the most embarrassing thing. And he ran into this girl at the bar that we know. Yeah. Andosh has braces and this girl he thought had braces he was like oh what did you said so okay so the braces that i have are ceramic

and so like they're supposed to kind of be clear but they're not like that looks just like there's kind of like something on my teeth and especially like if i haven't gotten like new rubber bands in a while and like i drink coffee so they get like faded yeah and so uh my this girl i've known her for a while uh my friend's girlfriend they've been together forever and uh we me and karen went to the bar and then we saw them at the bar so it's not like i had even been drinking so there's no excuse for this and But other people that I see, other adults I see with braces, it's kind of like, hey, look at us. I tell that with bald people. Like truck drivers pass each other. Yeah, exactly.

People with braces, it's the same thing. Yeah, you guys connect. So we're talking, and it looks like she's got the brackets on her teeth. And I go, go oh congrats on on the braces i'm loving them she goes i don't have braces i have stained teeth it's like well that's a wrap on the night i'm gonna go kill myself uh i hope you guys honestly but like you know fuck her for not taking care of her teeth I'm just kidding And that's been the podcast

Alright thank you Call me an Uber I just turned heel At the end of the podcast I'm glad I said all that shit Fuck her But yeah she ended up being She ended up being really cool about it Of course I messaged her the next day like i'm so sorry she's like dude your reaction

was worth it like you were so embarrassed yeah it's like yeah that's always the case yeah and i was like well and karen was just like what's your fucking problem oh my god i had something uh so i had a friend in college and uh and um we would hang out a lot and after college I started doing autism research and he has a problem with autism and he would talk about him a lot and so one day he's like hey me and my brother are gonna hang out you should come and I was like awesome and I'm like talking to his brother and like he's really funny and like but you know a little awkward and stuff and he's really into comedy and I go over to my friend Ryan

and I'm like, yo, your brother's really funny and I think he could kind of use that whole autism thing to his advantage. That's not my brother with autism. Oh no. He's clearly on the spectrum but he can make it work.

And that dude was dimitri martin yo fuck dimitri martin that autistic motherfucker you're just talking to a guy he has a bunch of charts and stuff and he's like doing bits um my my partner my fiance was a lot like me we were hanging out with our friend that we didn't really know all that well like we were just getting to know um and we spent like an entire day together uh-huh in uh san francisco like walking around and at the end of the day we got back to her apartment um our friend and she was like hey do you want to do a quick autism test like you two like do you want to do an autism test real quick i just want want to see. Well, it was like an online questionnaire, I think. Oh, my God.

And I scored like super high. Whoa. But yeah, that was just like, it was like, you guys, we spent the entire day with you. I don't know what's up with you. Let's take this test. Let's just take a quick test, shall we?

Yeah. I think it's a BuzzFeed test. It'll be fun. Do you want to take a quick autism test? Yeah. Oh, my God. Just as like a couple, you know? It want to take a quick autism test? Yeah. Oh, my God. Just as a couple. It's crazy.

You administer IQ tests? Yeah. That's fascinating. Your work is really fascinating. I guess. I don't make that. I mean, it's just work for you. No, I love it.

It's super fun. It's a great job. Yeah. I don't know how you do delivering bad news to parents and stuff. It's hard. That seems really tough. I think it would be harder if i didn't work in the city but i think like most parents they've dealt with it themselves

like they've been through special education so they get it okay like i think it'd be difficult in the county where like people like you know have kids who they want to go to harvard and you have to be like well your kid is like they're a little more precious about right yeah like and but in the city they totally get it and they know it's really like not cool that's so interesting it's like yeah they know something's up and so they they don't or sometimes it's awful but like they might not even understand the scope of what it means right but they just want help yeah and i think that's like the most important thing is like oh somebody else is like knows about this now and they can like and so like once you know

what's wrong but yeah yeah it's cool it's fun it's uh baltimore schools my friend's a teacher she teaches 12 12 year olds yeah baltimore kids are the science really yeah i couldn't imagine teaching science in baltimore city it's like anything like it's really really challenging and she's an incredible uh teacher in person um but yeah it's really challenging yeah you have to be a fucking hero to do that because you're not getting paid a lot i was the worst when i was 12 so demanding oh yeah like oh but imagine like teaching in baltimore oh dude i uh fucking a i was with so many kids it's like yeah i was walking in the hallway one time and uh i didn't even say anything and this girl was like mr khan you goofy as shit yeah

yeah tell the principal to suck his dick or something oh uh this kid i mean yeah and that's like not even the physical like the physical altercation stuff is like when it gets really i haven't seen too much of that um but this kid the principal like gave this kid like lunch attention or something he had to write an essay and he like went nuts and uh and he told the principal he was gonna skull fuck his wife jesus that's in trouble he didn't get suspended and i was like no you're not yeah now i write that essay this shit i hear is like it's so funny yeah like i'm gonna skull fuck your wife like yeah oh the other day i'm with a seconder, and it was my first time meeting him. He transferred to my school, and I have to counsel him weekly.

And if you're counseling a kid weekly, that's a serious problem. Right. Because that's a lot of counseling in the school setting. Right. And he's super sweet, and I'm like, why is this kid getting counseling? And I got his background. It's pretty rough. But then he's a second grade i'm like

hey man so what do you like to do for fun he's like i steal bikes i was just like okay yeah steal bikes and then the other day i'm working with him we're doing a session and uh i was helping him also do a math packet while we're like doing a counseling session so if i steal three bikes yeah i already have two bikes and i'm like we're working on something and i'm like okay so so what does it mean if a number's even and he was like uh d's nuts classic oh so he's a comedic genius yeah and he steals bikes this kid sounds like a gem and i was like you do have two nuts so that does make sense we gotta get him on the podcast oh i would love to she's just like i don't know well no that was a bad idea and he's like please don't tell my teacher i was like okay i won't what

an answer though i know well i mean classic you're correct yeah uh these nuts and i was like i would never have the balls to say that to an adult like when I was in second grade. You know what I mean? No, but I would have these nuts. Listen, I don't have the balls to say what I'm about to say. But. No, I mean, yeah, it's insane. I was like, you know, when I was a kid, I was fucking terrified of everyone. It was like. I was terrified.

Of pretty much everyone. Of kids who were like two years older than me. Oh, totally. Yeah. No, I meant like administrators. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, I. Yeah. No, I meant like administrators. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, I've never. Josh got suspended. Have you ever been suspended? I did like one time I did like an in-school. I did like the in-school suspension. For what did you do? Yeah. I can't fucking remember right now. When I hear Josh's stories, you like sound so bad.

No, I wasn't that bad. No, I know you're not, but like I've never got suspended or like i got so i got in school suspension i don't know if i've shared this on the podcast but i got in school suspension uh in middle school yeah because my friend he found his dad's uh uh old playboys and so what he was doing okay umar's gonna go pee do it um so uh he found his old playboys and we're in seventh grade so this is like a fucking revelation right so he was bringing them into school but the magazine would be too big so he's like cutting out pictures so we'd be passing the pictures around like oh my god dude and then it'd be like so 80s too i remember it was like a chick on her side she's wearing like a neon like

swimsuit bottom yeah it's out and she has like her head on her side. She's wearing like a neon like swimsuit bottom. Yeah. And she has like her head on her on her fist and her elbow down. She has like scuba gear on and stuff like, hey, I'm fun. And so we're like, oh, my God, we're passing those around. And then at lunch, we're at a table and it's like a circular table. And I think I was handing one picture to somebody or something like that. and i passed it over and it must have looked like like drugs or something oh yeah because you like like palmed it palm down like slide it across probably looking real shifty and so i slide it to my friend and

the vice principal swoops in out of nowhere and she goes what did you just pass him what do you have and uh and i i froze and luckily my friend he was quick he goes uh he passed me a dollar so i could get a snack i was like we're a fucking genius right yeah and then she goes show me the dollar and i was like fuck and so he pulls out of his pocket a dollar and i'm like we're good who is this sociopath dollar folds oh no naked girl scuba girls. We were so close. So close. I was like, God,

like crime of the century. All it's got to show me the dollar. What a good little lying genius though. Right? That's. And then you got suspended. Okay. So,

so I was like, I was like a very like good student. So I was really like, so for that one, I was really embarrassed. And when I showed it to my parents, they laughed. They're like, what are you doing? Yeah. And I think about that now.

That's cool. Parents, they talk about their kids. And it's not a big... In my head, I'm like, oh my God, my parents probably are so disappointed. But they just don't want you to be a fuck up. Yeah. You're not in jail. And then it's like normal stuff too. It's oh okay you had pictures of boobs but the thing my parents

are my parents were immigrants so they're like or i'm a gritty like they were just like yeah mine too they're like fucking this country is the worst like don't like you know they were terrified of every like of american culture like come like. Yeah, totally. My parents still, like, my dad hates that I cuss. And, yeah, like, he just, my dad's also, like, you know, like, sex is weird. Yep. I mean, that's what I was, like, that was what I was, like. Like, that. Yeah.

My parents would have reacted very differently to that. Yeah, that makes sense. Like, dude, like, even to this day yeah my if like my dad found porn or yeah oh god young male white josh gadot is like what up dad high five he's like you'll bring that shit home next time i remember i came home it was my first day of like high school and i came home my dad had found porn on the computer because like we didn't know how to delete the history yeah thank god thank god i was just five years older than you but that did not exist yeah no thank god i uh i and we

my brother and i were total shitheads we just blamed it on one of the neighbor kids that our parents already didn't like and we totally got away with bless you yeah but he was like i'm not gonna tell your mom i was like thank god but it was like i felt i just remember feeling like embarrassed that my dad thinks i'm like like a garbage human being like for and then yeah even now it's weird i i don't think my parents think i'm i think my parents think i'm a virgin we've i've never talked about sex with my parents. I'm pretty sure. And I've lived with a girl.

When I told my mom I was going to move in with my girlfriend, she was like, oh, are you guys getting a two-bedroom apartment? And I was like, you bet. Yeah. Totally. My parents have always been cool about it, except for the first time I got a girlfriend. Because it becomes repressive.

When that kind of stuff, like, everything becomes latent and you kind of like. Yeah. Or older and older, like, doing these things when you're older and older. And I was like, when I got my first girlfriend, I was, you know, my real girlfriend, I was like 19. Right. And I would bring her around the house and she would spend the night and like, stuff like that. I was like like really pushing boundaries and like parents let that happen they fucking freaked out they would scream at my mom

but they let it happen parents would not like a 19 when they're 19 year old kids sleeping with oh god no uh when i was in high school yeah my my girl could sleep over when i was in like 11th grade but they resented they resented her from jump and like it fucking fractured our relationship for a really long time because they didn't deal with it in the way that they wanted to they wanted to be like no she can't be yeah yeah my parents are pretty cool with that shit yeah but they wouldn't let like a girl even to this day like i would would not. Oh yeah. Until we're married. Yeah. But,

uh, like I, um, uh, fuck. I, uh, my dad,

like he'll try to have talks about sex like now. Well, weird thing. So like my parents hadn't arranged marriage and like they didn't have sex until they were married, which is so wild. Crazy. Like my dad has only had sex with one person yeah same with my mom but also that it's like even if they've like had oral sex and shit like

i mean i don't actively think about it but like you're like yeah you know what i'm trying to say i want to think about my parents that they get to find all the pleasure in life you gotta explore your bodies yeah i should tell them that like that louis ck bit it's like everybody's mom's been fucked some of our moms are getting fucked right now oh god but that's like you know like am i so we were at dinner one time and my dad has brought up these kind of analogies but he'll be like because i'm dating a lot and he knows that and he's like he's like umara he's like would you he was like let me ask you a question i think you can get this and He was trying to be coy because my mom was at the dinner. It was my mom's birthday dinner and I showed up

having a good time and drunk. That's so funny. That is so funny. You could say good time. You're like, I was plastered. I drove drunk. No, I walked.

I was just kidding. Went to La Cocina Great restaurant Check it out And This week sponsored Yeah And

So we were There was He was like Look at this He was like Umar you see this This plate of bread We're all eating

I was like yeah He's like what if Let's say a man came over And took some bread And then another man Came over and ate Some bread off of it Would you eat bread

Off that same plate and i was like uh it's a weird analogy because dad me and you both are sharing this fucking like yeah dude like he's like are we gonna fuck that's a muddled ass i got muddled real quick pops are you hitting on me dad also do you know i'm having a good time and you're just trying to like could not think of like the most fucked up thing to say right yeah and then but that's like you know that's his culture that yeah no i know and then so i was and i said i straight up was like yes and he was like oh that's gross and it's just like all right dad do you want some more of this bread we've been sharing yeah well if the bread has experience it might be better bread for me you know might be a little more flavorful yeah you know the bread knows what it's doing man yeah that's also so specific

because like bread especially in like is different in different cultures and like you share bread in different way in different cultures you know yeah it totally is in my parents culture like from packet like pakistani people like they make their own oh yeah oh yeah i grew up with my mom making her own bread like roti yeah to eat with food and shit and she still does it yeah awesome yeah i didn't get i got the analogy i got where he was going with it it could have done a better... What's a better analogy for that? Oh, man. I can't... I don't know. My brain doesn't work that.

Like, one time my dad did it, and I was younger. I was, like, in high school. And he was like, Umar, would you eat off of an apple someone else ate off of? And I was like, probably, Dad. I was hoping it was more, like, time-specific. Like, say this Crystal Pepsi gets drank by one man. Would you still drink from this Crystal Pepsi?

You see this surge? This AOL disc. It's 40 hours on it. You let your friend borrow it. There's 38 on there. You push the buttons on the tamagotchi so yeah arrange marriage man but yeah but still together like yeah but they last longer than love yeah right and isn't that crazy my parents call marriages here love marriages well yeah i've heard yeah that's an interest if you bring that down like that's fucking crazy because and

that's why i probably last because love is so it's not enough to sustain a relationship like it's just not there's so no it's work and it's not constant either it's not always at the same level but like i guess if you enter into it as a business from the like sort of like a contractual thing from the jump yeah i think it's gotta be We're doing this to raise kids. Right. A family pass on like Islam and whatever bullshit. And then like That's what the Quran says, right?

Yeah. Because love because that's a partnership and you're working together but love like it goes away, right? And if you don't care about that who gives a shit?

Yeah. My parents never have conversations like Or if you don't nurture it like it's going to go away. My parents don't ever have conversations like I just don't think you really get who I am.

You know what I mean? Oh, God, no. No way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've changed. I try to talk about feelings with my parents. Oh, it does not happen with me. It's just gay.

It's just like there's no game over. Oh, it's just gay. I fucking hate it. Where's my Uber? It's gay as fuck. This is gay bullshit. It's just gay. I fucking hate it. Where's my Uber? It's gay as fuck. This is gay bullshit. It's just gay. I mean, like, they're getting better at it slightly.

But, I mean, when I was a kid, and especially with, like, being a teenager with, like, sex stuff and drug stuff, especially, it was like, there was no talking. There was no communication. Like, there was no emotional connection or communication or, like. Or even letting it be known that it's okay. Oh, everything was just fear and anxiety and like... Fuck. Yeah. God, it's... Yeah, it's so interesting.

You guys kind of have a similar thing in that way. Have you heard Kumail's story about how when he was still in Pakistan, he tells it on stage. I don't know. Yeah. But he tells a story about how he was watching a porno on his dad's VCR, and then it got stuck in there, and his dad was coming home,

and he took the VCR apart, and it is the most anxiety. Dude, I would break the VCR. That's what he did. I would throw it the VCR. That's what he did. I would throw it out. I think that's what he did. I can't remember the story. But it's, yeah, it's so... It's just like watching Get Out,

I would imagine. It's like terrible. That's, oh, that's horrendous. Yeah, he was pretty fucked up because I remember he said when he... Because he went to school in Iowa and when he got here, he met somebody and it was a girl

and she was like, hey, Camille, I'm... Yeah. Put out her hand and he didn't want to touch her hand touch her yeah yeah that's a thing like even to this day when we have parties at my parents house the men sit downstairs the women sit upstairs and uh it's it's really weird man it's like uh and that's like that goes across that's like goes across the cultural divides because that shit happens. Do you think so? Oh, yeah. I mean, there isn't such a definitive decision to make that separation,

but you see it. Men separate off. It happens. Right, right, right. But it's just the reasons are different. Oh, yeah. Completely different. Yeah. It's just funny because it's like, oh, you know,

the women are going to talk about bullshit. Let's go talk about politics. And if anything else, there's like more of a double standard because it's like, oh, we're like liberals and we like are into like, you know, everyone's like, but then there's still like these like weird separatists. Oh, yeah. Why haven't you washed a dish in 40 years, dad? Like, you know?

Yeah. Yeah. But even if you look, if you go to like college campuses like black kids sit with black kids white kids so asian kids sit with asian like umbc it's more pronounced on the east coast i would i mean like yeah i don't i mean outside of like la i don't know i can't speak for the rest of the west coast really but like it should be that way i think you know i'm kidding, he's not. We're going to sign off on that.

You couldn't tell. Anyway, that's our usual sign off. What else are you going to say? I didn't know it was like, holy shit, he's like going to fucking blow my mind right now with like some school psychology. No. I'm just a fucking moron. I don't think that you believe segregation is good.

No, let's keep the races pure. And Eric, thanks for being on the podcast. Where's my Uber? Thank you so much for having me. This is incredible. And Eric, thanks for being on the podcast. Where's my Uber? Thank you so much for having me. This is incredible. When's this coming out? Oh, yeah. It's a great question.

This is going to come out tomorrow. I'm going to fucking splash it all over New York Magazine. Get it out there. Fuck Kellyanne Conway. Oh, wow. Hot take. Hot take. I think I would.

Pick that up. Would you? She's not. I don't think I would. Oh, wow. This is a horrible ending we're just gonna cut that oh i just wanted to plug the show we're all on yeah oh yeah i can't wait gin and jokes hey now uh it's a fundraiser for the baltimore abortion fund so come on now

we're gonna donate 100 of ticket sales to the Baltimore Abortion Fund so they can provide safe abortion care for people who can't afford it. That's so great. I just found out about it. I was like researching yesterday

and it's incredible and it's so important and the DC Fund too. Oh, awesome. Yeah. Oh, cool. Don't donate to the DC Fund. No, Baltimore Fund.

Only Baltimore. Yeah. Yeah, it's going to be a great show. I'm looking forward to it. Yeah, it's going to be fun. Anything else you want to plug DC fund. No, Baltimore fund. Only Baltimore. Yeah. Yeah, it's going to be a great show. I'm looking forward to it. Yeah, it's going to be fun. Anything else you want to plug, Eric? Not really. I have...

I don't have anything going on. I'm just trying to be... Come to my bar that I work at, Cooker's Jazz Music Bistro, 885 North Howard Street. It's really, really fun. The food's really good. I got a tight little ass behind the bar.

You'll like it. He'll never say the word vinaigrette. Oh, God. What if I found out a way to make vinaigrette a slur? I can't. Wait, was it vinegar? It was low-fat yogurt vinaigrette.

Okay. It was the fat. It was low-fat yogurt vinaigrette. Okay. It was the fat. It became vina-ree-grette. Yeah. Vina-ree-grette. All right. Let's go see Get Out three times in a row. Let's do it.

Let's just do it. But yeah, thanks for being on the podcast. Thanks for having me. I'm excited for our show. It was super fun. Check out digressionsessions.com. And we're on Twitter at Dig Seshpod. I'm at joshcoderna on there and Instagram as well.

And yeah, we'll talk to you guys next week. Thank you guys for listening. David Keckner, take it out. That's W-O-U-L-D. What would Jesus do? Digressions sessions! Come on to an end. Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah