The Digression Sessions - Ep. 213 - Josh & Umar! (@JoshKuderna @Umar_A_Khan)

Episode Date: March 31, 2017

Hola Digheads, this week Josh and Umar catch up on some bullshit this week and have some fun in the kitchen of their home. Enjoy!     Follow the podcast, Josh Kuderna, and Mike Finazzo on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram Umar - @Umar_A_Khan on Twitter The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on iTunes & Stitcher plz!

Hello, this is Nigel from the Tony Kornage Show, and you're listening to the Digression Sessions. Did I say that right? Do I get paid now? Can I leave? Oh my god. Welcome to the Digression Sessions podcast, everybody. How are ya? Josh Koderna here, sitting in my kitchen with my roomie, oomie. Hello, what's up? Umar Khan. Hey, everybody.

How are you? Thank you for listening. Hope you enjoyed last week's episode with Eric DeDorian. Yeah, it was a good app, man. We had good times. We had good times. Good times. Yeah, just a couple of wakeheads sitting around talking.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Although I have yet to see those movies. I've seen the first one. It was good. Yeah? I would like to see the second one. It seems like the perfect movie theater movie, too. What's it about?

Is it a Good Times movie? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So John Wick, it just sounds like that's our sponsor. What's it about? I don't know, Umar. I guess it's kind of just about this guy seeking revenge.

He's like a retired assassin i think and um somebody goes and uh some like other gangster's kid or something like that fucks with john wick and kills his dog jesus yeah and then uh art does he kill his wife i feel like it's wife i don't think a movie would be based like, this guy's getting revenge on someone who killed their puppy. I'm pretty sure that's what it is. Really? It's just somebody fucked his dog up.

Somebody fucked his dog. So that was way over the line. Way over the line. I don't know why my dad shared this just now on Facebook, but I saw he shared a link saying that in Maryland, people who abuse animals will be put on the same registry like sex offenders. Oh, good. Yeah.

Those guys are... And all thanks to John Wick. It was... That movie helped raise awareness for animal abuse. They call it the Wick Law, don't they? Yeah, the Wick Law. Oh, okay. So, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. So, I remember his wife dies but okay i think that's a big part of the plot probably right well it's kind of in the beginning so he's mourning right and uh and then a sadistic mobster uh losev tarasov and his thugs steal john's prize car and kill the puppy that was the last gift from his wife oh okay that makes more sense damn yeah and then in john wick too he gets a box of puppies and then uh somebody throws him in a river oh my god a really tall bridge his his wife's mother his mother-in-law gave him a fucking well they actually dug up her bones and fucked them. Fucked the puppies with his grandma's bones.

Well, this scene is just one guy. He's like punting all the puppies. He picks one up and punts him over the bridge. Yeah, that's like the first 25 minutes of the movie. It takes a while. He's like, ah, get over here. You can't corral all those puppies. Just a bunch of golden retrievers. Yeah, going nuts.

Yeah, so that's the first one. And then essentially he just goes on a rampage killing everybody. You know what's not a good movie, guys? Break it down. You know what's not a good movie, guys? I paid. There's a new theater in our neighborhood. It's called Cinebistro.

Hey. I think Josh has been. It's an experience. Oh, yeah. Unlike any you've had before. Yeah, and it's not one you want either not at all it's like saying like uh like taking a cheese grater to your dick yeah it's an experience you have not had they're like hey do you want to pay 15 for a movie ticket yeah and then eat food from the cheesecake factory yeah that's pretty much what it is and

it's like this restaurant movie theater. Why have a movie theater with waiters or servers? I don't know. Why are we complicating this? It's unnerving. The food I can almost kind of get. So it's like maybe you order your food beforehand and then they give it to you. And you bring it in.

Same way you fucking did for years with like popcorn or whatever. And then people extended that to like pretzels and then people like extended that to uh to like pretzels and i think like crab cakes and stuff like having a waiter is so awkward too because then they have to like shimmy past you and like the other people and stuff oh yeah they're standing in front of you and there's like they do but it also makes it a way longer of an experience because they don't start the previews until everyone's orders are in right yeah and then there's a shit ton of previews yeah they try to get your food before the movie starts exactly so that yeah it's really fucking stupid but i went but if you go to cine bistro

mention the dig sesh and hopefully you get 10 off your your ticket because there are they're this week's sponsor yeah their copy is a little weird but who are we to judge and uh so i went to go see a movie that i don't know why i thought it'd be a good i saw beauty and the beast yeah you like rushed out of the house to see it well yeah all weekend all i wanted to do was have some good times and go see a movie that's yeah and i wanted to see uh logan but i was like in a weird mood i was like this is gonna depress me and uh so my friend was like oh i want to see beauty and the beast i was like hell yeah let's get the beast and then get out wasn't playing at that theater no it was not yeah and then so we sit in beauty and the beast and uh they hated us because we didn't we paid 15 bucks

for fucking tickets but we didn't order any food. Yeah. Like, the waiter came to us, and he's like, hey, do you guys want any food? And I'm like, the popcorn's $8. It's insane. Yeah, and it's not even a good amount of popcorn. It's like, not even, like, I would say enough for one person for a movie. I mean, not for me and you, bro.

Fuck no. We eat gallons. We are popcorn monsters. But it was funny. Well, here's the thing. Like, dude, if you're getting food at a movie, like, all right, like concessions are already wildly overpriced. Like, I sneak in candy to the movie theaters. I'm not going to go pay for a burger.

I brought a quesadilla into a movie theater once, and it was one of the greatest achievements of my life. That's awesome. I brought all Chinese food into the movie theater, and it was one of the greatest achievements of my life that's awesome i brought all uh chinese food into the movie theater bro no yeah quesadilla i made at home and then put it in tupperware oh i wrapped in foil so it'd stay hot but i literally had little tupperware things of salsa and sour cream oh my god and i kind of felt bad like you know how like if somebody gets mcdonald's and they bring it onto a plane it's like the worst smell ever yeah you could like as soon as i opened that foil everybody's like is that a fucking quesadilla but i loved it it was awesome yeah everything i mean it's already so fucking expensive and then yeah if you get like a burger

it's it's what like i don't know 15 it's probably like 18 yeah and it's not like it's gonna be like that's a good burger you're still you're still at a movie theater you know it's fucking stupid and uh yeah and the um the like the lobby area of it has that huge bar like it looks like a ski chalet there's a fireplace when we left it's i didn't feel i felt like i was like in like it didn't feel like i was in a place in baltimore city i was just no expecting to walk out and just see like a best buy you know yeah yeah or like yeah it seems like they're like the type of people like no we're a little bit better than best buy yeah we order online nobody yeah it was uh it's it's weird right it's like why why why are you trying to make

movies more complicated i've dude 5 to 50 for a bottle of water. And all we ordered was water. And the guy's like, do you want a bottle? I was like, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, no. You can fucking go get a solo cup from outside on the ground. If that's the only way I can get water, I don't want fucking $5.50 worth of water. Yeah, the waiter, because I went to see Logan with my friend Ryan and my dad.

And the waiter, what did he say? My dad said something like, geez, seems a little elaborate or something like that. And the waiter is like, well, this is how I pay my bills. What? He's like, okay, well, that was a terrible job. How old was that person? I don't know. He was like one of those gay guys where he could be

like 20 or like 42 i have no idea wait do gay people just like super like super queen yeah yeah they keep it they moisturize a ton right gay don't crack yeah but just the way like he looked older but he sounded like well this is how i pay my bill yeah yeah the same guy who grooms boo no that guy's different that guy's in his own category have you ever talked about i don't know if we've talked about it on this podcast one day i come home and boo uh uh the dog the young dog that lives here yeah he's uh he he's a chihuahua terrier mix and he was like uh very he was shaving down and he had uh blue nails cocaine was everywhere okay yeah there's just and other like dog ladies he wouldn't stop asking me if i'm a cop yeah if i if i am a cop i need to tell him i should have known something was up i've never met a dog before that's like hey bro you want to party yeah you like partying huh you like party i'm like what

a dog if sniff koga would just do a rail and then like try to rip the head off of its like stuffed animals could you see it like oh fuck yeah yeah yeah yeah i love this fucking yeah fuck this duck oh my god Should we get more bones? Let's get more bones in here. Yeah, so Boo, he's a bad boy. He used to be homeless, and he has some behavior problems. Doesn't get along too well with people or other dogs. And so if you take him to get groomeded and he has to get groomed because his

hair grows like a person's it'll just keep growing um the groomer is like i cannot fucking deal with this dog he's gonna try to kill me i think karen has a note that one of the groomers left her oh that was like uh he was very bad uh i think he's a fucking teacher yeah exactly yeah it was like a report card like a bad report card um yeah like boo got in school suspension after that he was bothering the other children yeah yeah he cut in line yeah i think the groomer recommended him taking drugs or something like that to calm down so awesome so i don't know how karen found it or maybe karen's mom found it but there's a vet in highland town that takes care of boo and it's like the only place that will do it and the guy there is uh i don't know if he's

a genius or crazy or what but he's he's definitely one of a kind like the first time i first time i called to set up an appointment uh he answered the phone he just just goes, yeah. Hello? He goes, yeah. Like, I was annoying him. It's like his place of business. Not hello.

Yeah. And, it's like, hi, Boo Radley. I think he has an appointment. He goes, what time you coming in?

I don't know. When's his appointment? So far, this podcast is us making fun of gay people. Yeah, I don't think he's gay, though. Oh, really? No, I think he just talks kind of funny.

Okay, got it. I don't know. I just feel very influenced by Dave Chappelle. He taught me that hating gay people is okay. You know, I broke my TV because I don't actually own a Dave Chappelle DVD. So I just broke the TV and threw it out after the router did he even make fun of gay people like everyone in my news feed is so mad apparently he made fun of trans people and gay people yeah i mean i don't know i don't remember exactly what

he said but it was i mean he did come out and say dyke that was like one of the first things he said in the second special but you know whatever yeah that's how he also brought up too it's like he's a 40 year old black guy like yeah and also i don't know dyke was probably acceptable for a long time so yeah well i work with like uh kids in high in high school and they say dyke and uh i was like whoa uh dude that's like you can't say that and they're like why and i was like well you know that's like, you can't say that. And they're like, why? And I was like, well, you know, that's like. He's like, my aunt's a dyke. Yeah. And I was like, it's just, it's offensive.

It's kind of like saying, like, if you called someone a fag. Right. And they were like, no, it's not the same. Nah, man. Nah. And they're like, no, it's just a dyke. It's just like, because like, I called someone, even a teacher. Well, not a teacher, but a staff person referred to somebody as a dyke.

But she wasn't being malicious. She just wanted me to know she's a lesbian. It was really interesting. This is Carol. She's a dyke. And so the cafeteria is down here. Holy shit. Welcome to our team.

Carol's like, hey, Omar. Totally cool with it. Wow. I wish you gave her her like diana this is like all right alliterations are funny guys and very homophobic i like that i'm moving on you're like let me sneak in you know what needs to be said another gay joke oh god we're gonna get torn apart just people like yeah i can't believe homophobic uh problematic yeah just guys if you're mad uh boo is trans yeah he's a gay trans dog so yeah for sure okay i think i don't know boo do you want to be a lady well he's transitioning into a nice boy oh no more bad report for you who's like i'm in a

uh good boy's body but i identify as a bad boy i was born a bad boy that's funny uh um fuck what was that what was i gonna say uh the guy um yeah i kind of forget but yeah he just sounds crazy so i brought him in and uh he's like i don't know maybe like five five i don't know not just not not that big of a guy birkenstocks and socks at the same time kind of like gelled back curly hair older like maybe late 40s early 50s and uh immediately he's like trying to sell me on stuff that's like that he has in the shop and it's this independent shop and so there's like sweatshirts everywhere treats that's those sweatshirts where it's like the pet's face takes up like the whole chest and one time i went there it's like get one of these sweatshirts they'll think you're a model they i wear it they think i'm a model they stop me in the road that is amazing but that's how

so that's how he talks yeah oh and josh is not like a he so this is the best part of this story so i wanted to tell people about this so it's like i have to record this so i just got my phone out and i recorded voice like voicemail like he texts these voicemails to voice memo yeah and it's just this guy just like talking like this so like it sounds just like that i'll try to put him on you should put him on the end of the podcast yeah because yeah and he just secretly record people he knew come on he's cool yeah it's fine yeah uh definitely wasn't illegal and uh uh but yeah but he also like bust chops too oh yeah like because i was trying to get out of there because it was so like it was just kind of intense he's like you should buy this buy this

it's cash only you're gonna have to bring 90 smack of dough cheese and blah blah and then he's like you're making me nervous i'm like dude i just want to get out of here because i think i was probably like uh-huh yeah oh yeah yeah and he's and i was like i just want to get out of here because i think i was probably like uh-huh yeah oh yeah yeah and uh he's and i just want to get out of here i just want to go get something to eat he goes you should get something because you look like a pile of sticks and then he cracked himself up on a pile of sticks that's hilarious yeah and then uh so i'm like wow so i finally drop him off and then uh uh they call me and let me know he's ready. And I go in, and I just see Boo, but he's shaved down, which is normal, way shorter. But he has a little blue bow tie on the top of his head, and he left a little fluff on there.

And I see him like, wow, he looks feminine as shit. And then right on cue, he goes, I painted her nails for you. And I go, that's a guy. He goes, I know. He hands you boo. His nails are painted. His dick's cut off. Oh, boo's dick is cut off.

I thought you meant he cut his own dick off. No, because so he can be a girl. Okay, that makes sense. She mentioned she wanted to transition yeah yeah he cut off his own he cut off his own dick um explains his voice oh man oh man uh but yeah so the guy is just uh hilarious and uh i would love to get him on the baltimore voice i think he'd be like the perfect guest for that. You should. That would be so good. Just record an interview with him for that.

Yeah. That would be so great. Yeah. About his job, like what he does. I would honestly like to know how that place functions. Why? What do you mean? It's just, I don't know.

Like that guy. Can you imagine that guy filling out tax forms and stuff? Or like adding up his expenditures and costs yeah just like daily like day-to-day stuff of running a business that yeah that's funny when you meet people like that you're like how do you like function laundry you know yeah like how do you order food do you make yeah i can't picture him cooking i mean maybe does i don't know but like yeah like so like he'll like he seems crazy but then he'll burn you and like oh yeah like all right i don't know like uh

what did he say to me they have two phone numbers there so he called me on one and then i called him back he's like don't call on this one this is the business line i thought it was god himself calling me why can't you call the business line i don't know you're a customer i don't know how he operates i also uh when i was dropping him off the first time he's in his system uh boo has uh karen's mom's last name okay i didn't know that karen's mom had a different name she just kept her name yeah they got married be progressive so uh and uh he's like well what's his uh what's the last name and it was like uh vasilak and so i thought he's gonna go over to his computer and look it up he just has a bunch of like ratty note cards and he's like thumbing through his cards

instead of just like a computer yeah just penciled on the card and he's like thumbing through his cards instead of just like a computer yeah just penciled on the card and he's like i don't see that and like um so then i was trying to text karen to figure out her mom's last name and uh and then it's like i don't know i can't get ahold of anybody he's like oh it's all right time passed and he goes can you figure out that last name because if you don't it's gonna give me nightmares let me get right on that that's fucking awesome yeah so uh yeah he's a good guy man i am uh sleepy i feel a little sick i think we both sound a little nasally we are i'm a little sick yeah uh you had a you had a crisis in your job today i did have a great i don't know if you could talk about that.

I can talk about it. I won't get into specifics. But when that happens, we get called into schools to assist me and my buddy, Miles. Because something intense is going on. Yeah, we went together. And I even made... So we get... I don't know.

So we're going to go to like a group of strange like stranger like kids who are new to us yeah and uh and we work in baltimore city so it's like pretty much all black kids yeah and i just kind of looked at us both and we're both wearing like tight jeans yeah and like uh a like flannel plaid shirts his is is tucked in. We both have beards and we both are wearing a nice rain jacket. So we look like just complete goobers, I guess, to

these kids. So we're standing around. It was really intense. Everyone was crying. They didn't really need to talk to anyone they didn't know. But then after a while, the kids started cheering up and we were standing around and this one kid was like, oh, you guys are psychologists? right but then like after a while the kids started cheering up and uh we were standing around and um this one kid's like oh you guys are psychologists and i was like yeah what did you think he was

like i just thought y'all were nerds i love that it's so funny like that that's just like yeah i get paid to be a nerd here i collect a 401k and a pension right like like the students think that the teachers were like this is intense yeah let's get some nerds in here to chill everybody out you're just there to be like yeah i'm a nerd yeah those like i don't know it was like all uh these this past weekend i did shows and uh it was like predominantly black crowds which were amazing yeah always the best and it kind of reminded me of that because they were like uh the first night it was cool it was really small but it was like a good group of people in there i think they're all hammered

and i had a joke about threesomes i'm working on this new joke about threesomes you know a topic of comics never delved in yeah really yeah um finally getting political yeah and i was asking people i was like hey who's who's that a threesome who's that a threesome and one guy's like no one's gonna admit that and i was like okay why not and then i was setting up the joke and part of the joke is like i say i wanted a threesome i said like i wanted a threesome before i started having sex but now that i've had it i'm like oh this is really hard uh you know like blah blah right right and then uh one guy was like before you started having sex and i was like yeah man he's like how old were you that you wanted a threesome i was like i don't know i grew up with porn and he was like yeah man he's like how old were you that you wanted a three i was like i

don't know i grew up with porn and he was and then and then he was like man uh you jerked off too much i was like what wow nah man and i was like you don't jerk off he's like i do but not that much i was like you don't know how much i jerk off and this other guy chimes in he's like yeah man you sounds like you jerk off more than you get pussy and i was like what about was he saying about that guy or about me like for some reason like if you wanted a threesome before you started having sex yeah i just think it meant i watched porn i guess it sounds like it just became a nightmare town hall for you oh yeah yeah yeah like how much is too much for mr god it's like i don't even think

he gets pussy like all right everybody calm down pretty much what it was over the next like four minutes or just me convincing them that i get laid bring the house lights up listen to me that person back there okay we didn't she didn't but she gave me her number so it's possible no but then uh he and i was like and i was like oh so do you fall in that category of uh get more pussy than he jerks off and he was like and i was like is this is this your wife next to you and i just look at her and i knew i'm like you know she's not gonna agree with him i was like ma'am what do you think and she goes like the crowd went insane that's just like you throwing

up an alley oop and she just slammed it yeah oh it was the best yeah uh and but it reminded me i don't know just like this weekend that kid making fun of me so then later that night i set up a joke i did a joke about how like one of my kids said i look gay uh-huh because i'm little right when i said that like that uh same lady went insane and was like pointing at me like he is little so fucking funny yeah yeah yeah it's always it's always great when like if you have a self-deprecating joke and then like you're like oh it works but then sometimes it works too hard and you're like yeah all right chill it's okay yeah yeah i'm like oh no you kind of hurt my feelings and then uh and and then last night i did a show jessica garrett and matt betts have a great new show at a single care right yeah it's single care theater it was called the chickadee tambourine like okay and i think they're trying to make it more of like a

variety comedy show but it was just straight stand-up last night it was fun it's 10 bucks you get a free drink it's at a nice place is it monthly i think it's a monthly show saturdays at single care theater it's really good kill kill kill yeah so i was standing in the lobby i was waiting for a plus one to come because you know i have a little whoa sounds like you're looking for a plus two oh i understand you're looking for a threesome yes i was looking for a threesome so i tee you up on stuff we've already talked about professional podcast dude my man gets callbacks all right we are brought to you by callbacks i wouldn't mind fucking a callback that bro you want to fuck a callback how much you jerk off how much do i jerk off

two callbacks man before i started doing comedy i was like i want to fuck a callback but now i'm like i don't know and uh oh that was the dumbest thing i've ever heard so uh um i'm standing in the lobby and there is you know know, like single care theater. Like you're kind of just used to like white people going. And that's just I don't know. Well, I don't know. I don't know why I'm one care. Turn a lot of white people.

Yeah. Single care. One care. Anyway. So and so I'm in the lobby and there's just like huge. There's like 15, 16 family of black people. So you get the cops. Yeah. I was was like get them out of here be here who let them in um and and i found out they're celebrating a birthday so all these people took out uh this woman for her birthday and uh i was like i don't know i have

like and i've been kind of bored of my material so i was like oh i'm just gonna fuck with this this crap this like all night and they took up my material. So I was like, oh, I'm just going to fuck with this, this crap, this, like, all night. And they took up, like, half the crowd. It was like, there were a lot of them. But it was funny. I was talking to one lady. I was like, oh, well, what made you guys, do you guys know Jessica? They're like, no, we're just, somebody suggested it.

And I was like, that's a very interesting to suggest for a 72-year-old black woman's birthday. A comedy show. Like, kind of like, you know, alternative comedy show. Of no one you've heard of. Yeah, white kids coming out in cardigans. Yeah. Like, uh. Yeah.

That's my impression of alt-white comics. Okay, you don't have to make fun of me to my face. Okay. Hey, guys, how you doing? Uh. Just do that for six minutes. All right, guys, I've been Josh Kudurin. Follow me on twitter thank

you i'm at and then i go up on stage i'm the host i was like hey josh is talking about and you know i actually myself so uh what a great show what a great show yeah so it was funny like and you know like um matt and jessica did a good job starting it off yeah and then jessica did a set right after they were together and she talks about pussy hair and i was like backstage i was like yes yes and i was like i didn't tell any of the other comics that this woman was celebrating a birthday yeah because you're like i was like oh i am keeping it was like you got a hot stock tip and you're like i ain't telling nobody else yeah yeah yeah and then so i go up on stage and i'm like hey i heard we have a birthday here and i'm like uh how

long how long or how old are you and she was like 72 and it was just and that's when i found out her age it was great uh-huh and i was like yeah but you guys are regretting bringing your mom to a comedy show she's already heard about pussy hair and we're 10 minutes in uh-huh and then i was just like and i looked at her and i was like oh it's it's fine you know like uh you've dealt with pussy hair you've been dealing with it for 72 years this bitch has pussy hair yeah and everyone like her kids went insane oh really that really? That's great. It was so funny. But there was like a black woman who like could not stop laughing. It was like, it's the best feeling in the world.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the best. You just make like a black person who cannot stop laughing. Oh, yeah. Did you have something like. I had that once where a woman like got up and she was like fanning me away. And she was walking away. You're too was walking away yeah that's what she said like you're too stupid like walking away like laughing and being like that is so funny that

was one of like the best feelings that's awesome you were too much yeah yeah the leave you made you walked someone but for the positive reason it was cool because she came back so like you could see the whole thing and she's like coming back and wiping her eyes like you kill so hard like you have like a break area in the lobby for your fans guys there will be paramedics out there so feel free to laugh a lot do not hold it in there are trained professionals in the back. We got IVs. Which I will be selling after the show. I will sign your IV. It's your merch. Hey, y'all.

But what the fuck? Oh, and so what the fuck was I talking about? The show, the single carrot show. Making black women laugh. Oh, yeah. It was funny. So like, you know, and like uh i don't it reminded me of like uh over the weekend my brother uh you know uh he we were hanging out

and he brought over um one of his friends who happens to be black uh-huh uh very nice to this house woman not to this house i would never i know how you are the cats away and the mouse playing a dangerous game but so I invited my brother and his friend to like a group hang with me my friends

and then I left and I went up to my buddy and I was like hey how was like Rihel and his friend like after I left and they're like it was cool

but I think they got like really drunk I was like oh yeah she's like yeah Rihel's friend just kept laughing and like getting up

and leaving the room and I was like no I think that's just like like, yeah, Ryle's friend just kept laughing and getting up and leaving the room. I was like, no, I think that's just like... You're just having a good time. Having a good time. Yeah. I think it's a cultural thing, you know? And I had to give her some cultural sensitivity training. If they call you stupid, that's the highest compliment they can give.

Oh, yeah, stupid, dumb. Yeah, that was the best. All through middle school, I was called like, yeah, you stupid. Stupid hell you know and i really killed my self-esteem like hey you're a teacher watch it uh the i saw um phase on love he did that when i uh i hosted for him at the comedy factory and he had people pounding on the table like that's amazing they weren't like hamming it up either like there was just like in earnest like because uh he's making me laugh so much fuck this guy i hate him he's dead um but yeah when you can get moments like that it's it's the fucking best i had uh i did a show in uh in philly at Helium over the week.

And it was a lot of fun. And I was so excited because it's like one of the best clubs in the country. But apparently Kevin Hart has been... He's filming a movie in Philly. So he's been doing sets like all over. And then he was doing a set at like the opposite club. Oh, no. So you just took all the... Yeah.

No, it was still fun. It was just a smaller crowd. It's kind of similar to the DC improv in the setup, like low ceiling, kind of packed in tight. So it was like, you know, if you still get a decent amount of people in there, it'll be fun. So yeah, it was good. It was a dirty show, right?

Did you do dirty stuff? Yeah, I was like, hey, y'all, y'all fuck cunts. Oh my God. I was like, this cunt probably fucks cunts. Look at this fucking cunt. And they love me. Oh my God. yeah i i literally jumped into the crowd i crowd surfed while i was calling them cunts yeah you really broke away from me material exactly it's like well let me bring the dirty on this one

well i'm trying to merge the two where i just go can't so i'm trying to try to be more real that's what oh my god like wow this alternative guy is so vulgar uh but yeah it was it was cool man it was it was a fun set and then uh it was uh shane gillis hosted and he was great and i went to his house before the show because i got there a little early and uh he just lives with like three other comics and they pay like 250 bucks each i think is it a really gross place it's not it's not the nicest but yeah it's just like frat house young dudes that yeah like don't really give a fuck yeah like shane took a shit and he came downstairs like fellas i'm sorry it smells so bad one guy goes no dude

i could smell in my room and i thought he's gonna be like it was gross and he goes i gotta applaud you man that is like a super like that sounds like a super shitty movie scene from like a movie like old school or something you know and like a bunch of crap like this is so funny i'm gonna live my life like this you know like they like scatter you know like in movies like they'll have like a house on the like scattered porn around like you know right reading yeah just imagine like a dude like like very meticulously like putting porn magazines like in a nice like right action on his like coffee table just like i don't know should the penthouse curve out yeah i don't even know anymore.

That's funny. I remember when I went to visit my... I lived at home during college. So I never had like a dorm room experience. It was like a bummer, I guess. I lived in a shitty dorm, though. Oh, yeah. Well, so I went to visit my friends at College Park. Real quick, that said, they were all very nice fellows and very funny.

Oh, okay. Awesome. And who were they? So it's one of the guys uh it's his name's matt i think uh who shane does a podcast with and then two other guys i never met before oh those guys i thought you met your no no no no no no we were moving on for the shane gillis thing i just wanted to say like yeah they weren't all like like that's like a bro-y thing but they weren't like douches or anything. It's just like, that's just like their life. It's like me, I'm just like, I like a clean kitchen.

Yeah, no, I think they get it. Yeah, I know. But I am feeling like a little more of like the gap in age if I'm 30 and they're like 23. And I think they still just like don't give a fuck. Maybe they're 25. Could you even imagine like, you know, like I'm only 28. Yeah. And we're young like i'm not saying we're i hate when people like our age like we're so

oh it's like no your life just sucks like every year has been getting better like dude you get money uh-huh you know you can afford to uh have good times you can afford to have good times i don't know like i just bought a guitar and i was like i feel this a little bit but it's fine yeah like it's not like i had to save up for so long i was like all right you know i'm just gonna go buy a fucking guitar yeah exactly i don't do that all the time but just said like i didn't have to like say put aside that is the best shit when you're like if you're out and you're like well i don't know the cocktails are 13 it's like who gives a fuck yeah yeah like this is why you have money the progression of this podcast is so great. It's like, who gives a fuck? Yeah. Yeah. Like this is why you have money. The progression of this podcast is so great.

Cause it's like us making fun of gay people. Yeah. And then it turns out we're the gayest people alive. Oh, I just met now. We're talking, we're like, well,

we have, we're just so privileged. Like, dude, life just gets better every year. I know there's people starving. Yeah. But it's like,

right. Yeah. But like life does get better every year. It really does. It's like. Yeah, I get what you're saying. How many artisanal donut shops can you have? You know?

No. And I think we're going to get two in this neighborhood. Whatever, guys. My parents are immigrants. Josh is, you know, lived through some shit. So. Yeah. My parents are dead.

What? No. Oh. Just to me personally. I was like, this is a weird way to tell me dude no you know we all have our thing no yeah but uh so fuck anybody but um yeah it's just such a cool feeling i just remember being young and like yeah i would save i wouldn't eat lunch i would save my lunch money when like a new like fucking like anti-flag dvd

was coming out i remember i would oh yeah not eat lunch at school for two weeks so i could buy something when did you start working i started working i was 13 yeah me too yeah and i've always had a job well that was a summer job and then i worked at like party city which is don't anyone give your money to party city i hate that place really do they made me jump up and down in a dumpster like squish the trash oh yeah yeah yeah it's fucking crazy i got like uh i had to dress up in like a pirate you know there's like like when you watch like pc people on the side of the highway like flipping arrow signs or whatever you did that you were a sign flipper i wasn't a sign flipper that wasn't a thing yet but i had to dress up in a pirate costume and go stand out on route 40

by my house i like that it wasn't a thing and then like some genius came along and revolutionized the game he's like spin this piece of shit around yeah someone had a joke about like are those sign flippers like just constantly worried that they could be so easily replaced by a pole yeah you know what i mean like their job security is like i don't get the sign flipping i don't it's like. It's never once enticed me. In fact, it makes me hate your business that you would hire somebody to do that. Yeah.

And also because I know you're hiring like a poor illegal. Yeah. Flip a sign with your fucking company's name on it. Right. It's so weird. And if you see them in like the dead of winter when it's like hot as fucking summer, like it's not like you see a person like dying you're like oh yeah i do like papa john's i should get papa john's and then like

like the guy sits there and he has it takes him 20 minutes to get the number off the side because he won't stop flipping he's like okay that's a seven all right i can't see the information give me a second everybody hopefully he keels over from heat exhaustion. It is really a stupid fucking, because there's no way you can see the information. Yeah, I didn't even just fucking realize. Every time I see it, I don't pay attention to the sign. I look at the person. I'm like, God, that guy's life must suck.

Yeah. That they have to do this. Yeah. And so, I'm associating misery with your company's name. With whatever your product is. That's what I'm saying. Like, I'm never like, oh, yeah, I should go do this. Yeah should go do this just like oh you guys are fucking ass yeah so i'm gonna take that bit so that's mine um fuck what were we talking about i forget um the the weekend what were we

talking about how do we get to sign flippers oh we were at the the uh my buddy had when they were in college yeah yeah yeah sorry and uh i never lived in a dorm i lived at home yeah the whole college experience my mom would cook food for me it was dope i would come home there was a hot meal for me every day every day she'll still make you some stuff now and again oh that's when i go home i always have and she's pakistani so we have pakistan well i guess i am too oh am i now you tell me of course you well i'm american pakistani yeah yeah pakistani american sounds cooler but i think american pakistani is i'm gonna release an album called american pakistani idiot that's good i like that anyway anyway anyway guys just working i'm gonna take that bit

guys i'm my name is jessica and i'm a bit of an american pakistani in it now uh who's a I'm going to take that bit. Guys, I'm really... My name's Jessica Durda. And I'm a bit of an American Pakistani in it. Now, who's a cunt? Where my cunt head's at? Where my cunt... You're wearing the grossest foam hat. Yeah. No, but I went to visit my buddy's dorm room.

And it was a suite. So it was like two people in a bathroom on one side shared living space two people bathroom on one side so my buddy dave had to share his bathroom with like this just awful dude and every all the other three we all went to high school we were super close friends and um but he got this like awful roommate who was just like i i remember we put um from the living room he had a tv in his bedroom that faced uh away like in our direction if you're in the living room it was it doesn't matter okay but we put cds in their bedroom on the wall they stole his roommate's remote and this roommate was just like oh i can't find my

remote like yeah we don't know dude and so it would bounce off of the cd so they would sit in the living room and he's a huge sports fanatic and while he's watching like a game he's really into it would they would hit the remote it would bounce off the cd and hit his tv and it would like change a channel turn it off and he would like he would get so mad he would literally punch the wall and he couldn't figure out that you guys were fucking with him yeah did he ever figure it out no oh that's amazing so they would do shit like that all the time but he my friend would always be the one who cleaned the toilet and like i never cleaned the toilet so they got in this war yeah of who So their toilet, like, if you lifted the seat up, it was literally just covered in pubes. Like, you could smear pubes, you know, like, behind toilets.

It gets super, like, shitty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the crevices and whatnot. Dude, it was, like, the whole toilet. It was so gross. Oh, dude. Yeah, I had that, like, where I shared a a uh i had so it was me and one guy in a dorm and then we shared a bathroom with two other dudes in another dorm from yeah that's a weird

setup you can walk through someone's dorm no no no so me me and one guy had a dorm on one side so think about like apartment buildings but then in the middle is it no yeah but if you wanted to you guys could use yeah bathroom to walk because it's like yeah yeah but like we all like nobody like really hung out or anything and uh yeah because one time i was sleeping and a guy was in there and he was on the phone and i'm pretty sure he made a phone call. And he's like, hey, yeah, I'm taking a shit. No, I'm taking a shit. And I was like, this sucks. This is awful.

I don't like this. Yeah, everybody's like, college is going to be so cool. Yeah, was it? Like, was it? I don't know. I didn't, like. Did you have sex in your dorm? Yeah, of course.

Okay, I don't know. Of course. I have fellas in there all the time. I think I had sex in college literally one time literally one time but even beyond that it was just like the other people for the most part like i remember so when i went to my dorm like i transferred over so i was technically um uh what's after so in freshman i wasn't a sophomore what's after sophomore junior i was a junior that was bad it was so bad i was real bad i was about to make a joke like and we're super

smart we both went to college but i don't know i don't know what's after a sophomore all right i didn't remember sophomore dude maybe you are getting old dude you don't remember with the year was 19 dickity 2 we had to call it dickity because the kaiser stole it uh so uh we anyway so yeah i'm uh um i'm a little older and then there's people on my floor that are like 17 and uh so we had to do this whole thing on our floor like our ra was like we're gonna do these like get to know you exercises and shit and uh we had to sit in a circle and to remember everybody's name you had to um each person would pick a food with the first letter of their first name so i'd be like josh jalapeno and shit like that he had to go around and remember everybody's name and then everybody's sharing their favorite movie and this one kid you're like this is

this is real real gay uh there's one kid so yeah it gets to him um and he's going to pick his movie and he's like he's like thinking about it i was like oh man this kid might be like a film buff you know then he just goes ah aladdin i'd have to say aladdin it's like what's happening yeah umbc is kind of a nerdy yeah which i like i like it too but it was just not the experience it was like yeah 13th grade basically right yeah Right. Yeah. I TA'd an honors college freshman seminar. Uh-huh. And we had to do shit like that with our kids before school started. We had to do like orientation and we had to do icebreakers.

Right. Yes. That's what we were doing. Yeah. Oh, my God. So like a lot of honors college kids are like religious homeschooled kids. I guess it works. If you keep your kid in all goddamn day and don't let them beat off.

Sure. They're going to end up really smart. That guy's at the seminar or the orientation. Man, y'all beat off too much. Grades are so bad. You guys have been beating off too much. Y'all beat off too much, man. So I did Never Have I uh-huh and you know

that's where you like lift your fingers whatever and you say never have i ever and then if you did it you put your finger down oh i don't it doesn't matter but i went to one and you're like threesomes who's down them you know you're a college freshman so you're like 18 right yeah and this kid's like never have i ever kissed a girl oh buddy and everyone like looked around like what the fuck like how do you react to that he's like oh no i i like he sees everybody's like wow he's like hold on hold on i've definitely kissed my mom like and one girl goes wow that's sad oh no oh but and then i was like fuck what do i say and then but the best part was a girl who's like wow that's sad went never i have never have i ever went to prom

and my response like oh why not and then she looked at me she's like because i'm socially awkward i was like jesus christ well at least she knows yeah very aware of her fucking social skills yeah they were really cool and a lot of them are like i i saw them recently they're so smart but like god they were the worst i would hope that those two date you know i don't think so but it sounds like they should have he's like fucking i don't know making like tons more money than i will ever you think you probably may combine probably yeah he's a smart boy okay well guys don't I'm not gonna let my kid kiss any well I don't know if he's gonna be straight or not but well I'll tell you this he might be smart but he sounds like he has a dumb dick can't do nothing with that thing can he yo I fuck okay i don't know what that guy does who oh david wait oh what yeah david

yes of course david oh shit he's listening somehow yeah no i uh i did not have i think i went on two dates in college with two different women gotcha girls yeah yeah it was not yeah but nobody was ever like around either oh we went to a commuter school yeah exactly did you stay on campus uh sometimes but yeah it was like you'd see fucking tumbleweeds in the quad and then like but then those weird fucking kids who would sit like yeah uh there we had a game room which is a place like some arcade games and like like pool or shit yeah and like on saturdays just the fucking yeah i remember nerdiest kids i was like oh let's see what's going on over here because i knew there was a bar in

there and it's not like i'm like a fucking bar fly but you just wanted something to be kind of adult yeah yeah it was just kids in beanbag chairs doing halo tournaments he's like all right well i know and they're just like hot girls sitting in the back and they're just kids beanbag chair all right that's awesome i'll go watch more simpsons alone um yeah and then my my roommate was weird too i might have talked about this before i mean i mean maybe a fine guy but like uh i i didn't really talk to him that much like he was always friendly but he never put sheets on his mattress what and i stayed in one of like the original dorms from when umbc was built like the 70s i think yeah and it was just this vinyl mattress and he never put sheets on it

sleep just like a pillow and he had a pillow that had no pillowcase and then a comforter was he foreign no did you ever ask him like hey no no it was like oh my god i mean where would it have gone like that's a little weird like why like bro i'll buy you some fucking sheets but that's he wasn't poor he had tons of jordans underneath his bed like tons of them tons of them. That's interesting. Yeah. So I was like, God, you know the amount of fluid and shit that's on it? Who is that person? I don't know. God damn. He's probably richer than both of us.

That's an animal. It's like, I don't know. That person has to be homeless now. You think so? I don't know. I mean, he went to class and stuff and I saw him at the gym. Like, it's another thing of like when you see people and you're like, how do you function? Yeah.

Some shit people like just not a big deal. Wow deal you probably just grew up like that and he's like that is nuts i remember one time uh he came home real late and i was like where have you been no i was sleeping and uh he woke me up when he came in and uh then he got in bed and he just ate cookies and it was like the worst noise i've ever heard in my life oh no so annoying because like you know you're trying to sleep there's this quiet room it's just oh i hope it's that kind of crazy at like 18 years old you're sharing a room with someone like i didn't think about like could you imagine we slept in the same room at night yeah that is weird yeah yeah yeah i would never do that like yeah but back then i was just like i guess this is cool and if you get somebody that snores or like sucks yeah like oh man yeah i yeah

i requested to live with ryan schwab and they just denied it so whoa yeah and then eventually we just got like an apartment off yeah that was fine so um and uh on that uh note of that great story we're gonna go out on a real high. Well, you're going to put that thing at the end. Maybe. We'll see. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Never mind. It's a little bit of effort. I don't know. Yeah, that's too much. No, we'll put it on there. But, you know, let's wrap this thing up because you got a guitar. You got a Viet. Oh, I do.

Yeah. So, yeah. So, we have a show this Wednesday. We'll be at the Big Hunt at 10 o'clock for the Underground Comedy Festival. In D.C. In D.C. And it's a really good lineup. And then the Saturday. This is the Umar and Josh World Tour. Yes. And

Saturday we'll be at the Lab on Johns Hopkins University. I'm very excited to go back to the Lab. Oh, I bet. We can get into that. Yeah, yeah. So the Lab. Also, I like us talking about how much we can't relate to college stuff. Oh, we're doing a college?

Yeah. That's awesome. Literally, we might be following a Halo tournament. That's probably who's opening for us. It's going to be way more well-attended. So, yeah. So, we'll be there on the 1st. And then the 6th is Gin and Jokes, right?

But we're at the Bolt. So the show we're doing on Saturday is at a cafe on Hopkins campus called The Lab. And I did not know. It's free. 8 o'clock. It's free. Please come watch us say things to kids, and they're not going to understand. I think I already offended somebody that night.

I went in there. I was drunk. I was on a first date. So I have, you know. So you're wasted you have to get drunk right uh-huh i think to deal with these broads yeah these broads these days your homosexuality you know they're paying for their own drinks you're like what what now you're not gonna feel bad about wanting to kiss me no i'm just kidding and uh so um the person i was on

a date with uh does business with I'll try to keep it vague so people don't recognize this person everybody listings like drug dealer yeah okay she does business with the cafe so she was like hey can we stop in here and it's like midnight so can we stop in here on the way to my place I didn't go in she's a you know I just dropped her off I was making sure she got home safe uh-huh but I don't know why i need to say that sounds like you killed me i was just doing the right thing yeah um no so we go in there and i'm like drunk and uh and i was like oh can i come behind the counter and uh and so i come by the counter and they're they're like fixing stuff and there's like a bin of

cookies i'm like oh my god can i have a cookie and i just reach in there and grab a cookie like all right now we're gonna throw away all of these cookies and then i grabbed some cinnamon rolls that they're like all right we're gonna throw these away anyway and then uh the chef there was like hey man why don't you come sit here and let them do their thing i was like that makes sense but apparently while i was in there and i don't remember this happening the girl reminded me a couple days later while I was on a first date mind you I just kept saying like alright so

this I was like hey guys we're on a first date this is blank's name she has a great butt she owns this thing and she has great hair there you go and so I'm gonna perform to these people next week.

I'm sure they're excited to see you again. It's that asshole. And if you guys were wondering how I went with that person, we went out the next night. Whoa. So what's that tell you, fellas? Comment on women's bodies. Lead with the butt.

Lead with the butt. You can put something in the middle, a little compliment about the business, whatever. Then quickly move on to more physical appearance. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They call that a compliment sandwich. Oh. The broads love that.

It's a physical personality. Whatever. Yeah. Something that's not physical. Yeah. That's a wide net. Get in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then go right back to physical and it's a sandwich which is great because women love making sandwiches boom so full circle hell yeah uh well on that positive feminist note oh this is the best let's wrap this bad boy up uh yeah so come see us at those shows and um uh follow me on twitter at Josh Gadurna, the podcast at DigTestPod. We have a Facebook page. Rate and review us on iTunes. Dope. And, Umar, do you want to plug your Twitter?

Yeah, Umar underscore A underscore Khan. Yeah, I never know what to engage you in social media-wise. I know. I don't tweet often. Yeah. I don't think about it. Yeah, but I don't know. Twitter, when you're not famous

is like shouting into an empty room yeah i mean you know sometimes you got some people in the room yeah that's true sometimes people do retweet my shit most of them bots well i met more so like with your job so i don't know like your public oh i don't give a fuck okay you know like for the point uh i've been working for almost a year now, Josh. Can't wait for this to be read back. So, you're this grizzled veteran. Sir, I was having good times. I wasn't the right state of mind. Jerry's like, good times, good times.

I like good times. Yeah, he's having good times. You meant like you're worried if you can't. Nah, I don't give a shit, dude. Yeah, as far as like the podcast. I don't care. Yeah, you can do it. All right, well, hey, listen, Umar doesn far as the podcast. I don't care. Yeah, you can do it. All right, well, hey.

Listen, Umar doesn't care. Y'all don't care. Yeah. And that's our sound. And hopefully my supervisors don't care. Yeah, more importantly. All right, well, thank you to everybody for listening. We appreciate it.

And David Koechner. Take us out. Boom. Dick Russian Sessions. Coming to an end. I'm just hungry, man. I'm just hungry, man. Well, I know you look like a piece of stick there. Let's see.

What am I going to call you? Who are you? So my last name's Kader. You can just call me Josh. I'll see. What am I going to call you? V, who are you? My last name's Kudur. You can just call me Josh. I'll call. I've got names for everybody. I'll have five cards. Spell your first name. J-O-S-H. Last name is K-U-D. Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't need all that. Give me your phone number. 410-200-5920. 410-200-5920. Okay, be 90 smackadachis for rustling this store. I think I can round up 90 smackadachis. You'll have to round it. And don't forget, look, I've got good stuff and joint and stuff. Why don't you just bring a truck back and load up here, huh? Yeah, let me get all the smackad dodgy yeah I'll get a truck truck and then load up and there's things to wear and

stuff for the doll sweaters and when he drinks coffees got cookies there I got skin these are good to clean the teeth what does he's got a seat huh they're made in the United States there was smoke flavored does he like to chew I think so well that's a good little treat there. Sale for $7.99? Yeah it's usually $7 for half that size. Okay. That's 12 inches I mean you gotta pay more for made in the United States and that's a smoke flavor too. Okay. And cookies and all get something so I don't have to stand on the corner with that cardboard tonight.

Does that dog have whiskers or a clean face? Okay. Let's see. Wait, were you saying whiskers or clean face? Yeah, yeah. I like when you're a little fake. A little fake, yeah. Yeah, leave him some whiskers.

Okay, go ahead. That's right. Go eat before you waste away. I'll call you. Okay. Goers. Okay, go ahead. I'll be back. Go eat before you waste away. I'll call you. Okay. Go eat. Okay. Oh, my God.

Look at that. I didn't know if the nails... I don't think I have that thing on right here. Okay. The little harness. Yeah, I think it's wrong. Oh, no, you got it. That's right.

Is that right? Yeah. Oh, okay. So you took on this beast? Yes. He's nice but he's small but he's not aggressive. He's a sweetie he's just he gets overwhelmed. Does he get tranquilizers today? Yeah I gave him some. Okay hold on a minute let one person out of the time. Okay, if you want longer blades, you have to tell me. I spent 15 minutes trying to figure out who the hell you were. All right.

We'll remember next time. Make sure you don't make me nervous. I like to throttle now. Okay, I won't make you nervous. Yeah, you will make me nervous. Hey, you don't make me nervous. I'll be scared to death you'll waste away, too. Hey, thank you

very much. Appreciate it. Two sticks walking around. Two stick legs. See ya. Come on. Oh my god, look at this boy. He's painting his nails. No, no, no, no. Hey, chill.

Hey, chill. No. It was sick. You gotta buy your ticket. Yeah, come on over. I thought it was God himself at 430. I said Sunday. Just me. Joy, skin, lots of deals. There's pepperoni, there's cookies, there's a ball thing, and there's a twist deck. And I got a hand knit from the descendant of the Inca Indians. Nice heavy sweaters.

And look how cute these are. I already have one, but I can get two. You got the Marilyn Monroe last time? No. And then I got that little Yorkie. These are all clearance. Okay. They're made with organic dye.

I don't know what the hell that is, but it's something good, I can tell you that. And those sweatshirts are heavy. They're not light. You need a sweatshirts are heavy. They're not light. He needs a sweatshirt. I wear them out. People think I'm a model when I wear them. They don't stop me. I'm wearing monkeys and giraffes and everything. And they're stopping me. But they do. They stop me on the road.

When anybody wears those shirts, they think, oh, I love it, I love it. I got a dog with a hat on, they're all stopping me. Alright, do you need anything good to wear? Uh, maybe. Hold on, you could wear one of them, there really hasn't. Yeah. I got a, there's a, like a I work there's much much much more yeah that's very good here your happy they

are yeah it's a heavy way yeah all clear and I need to really find anything anymore enough to go and say oh everything I have in here someone sale and you can't get it cheaper one on or I won't sell it right so go ahead and go relax okay be back in about uh about an hour well I'll call you might be an hour and a minute I don't know he's gotta cry he's got a couple hair primes. Okay. Okay, hey, 10 minutes just to crush the nail.

Yeah. All right, all right. Thank you so much. Thank you. Self is so scared. Everything you thought it would be. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.