The Digression Sessions - Ep. 215 - Chris Milner! (@EnglishManChris)

Episode Date: April 24, 2017

Hola, Digheads! This week, your host Josh Kuderna visits his buddy and DC based comedian, Chris Milner! Chris is the host of the live game show, Specific Ignorance. He's hilarious and doesn't have an appendix. And he's accidentally done heroin....twice! Hope you dig it! Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, if you're nasty. Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on iTunes & Stitcher plz!

Hello, this is Nigel from the Tony Cornagia show, and you're listening to the Digression Session. Did I say that right? Do I get paid now? Can I leave? Hello everybody, Josh Coderne here. Currently fending off just a tiny, tiny dog. Prince! No, buddy. Okay, let's start again.

Okay. I'm gonna, I'm gonna put... Stop it! Get down! Get down! Oh, he's confused about. Okay. I'm going to put... Stop it. Get down. Get down. Oh, he's confused about the mics. No, perfect. All right.

Take two. Welcome to the Digression Sessions podcast, everybody. Definitely, this is the first time we've started this podcast. There are no dog problems. No. Sitting here at Casa de Milner, recording a podcast on a lovely little Friday here in Washington, D.C. We have a pit bull scratching at the door. Really wants to be on the podcast.

By a pit bull, I mean the recording artist Pit Bull. Yeah. He's hanging out in Milner's room. We told him to fuck off we locked him in my bedroom and put the laundry on to scare him because a lot of people don't know the the music artist pitbull is afraid of laundry he's terrified of yeah he hates it that's why he always wears the same suit yeah yeah worst thing is he loves wearing white clothes yeah he's like awful it's an awful phobia for him to have which makes me feel bad for him but anyway he's uh he might be a guest

later he's locked in the bedroom uh but yeah so uh um with chris milner comedian uh my friend my breakfast breakfast partner this morning but bre's partner my brexit partner so it's like the worst t up i thought you said brexit did did someone say brexit what eggs for brexit sorry that's awful yes anyway um yeah we had breakfast we had down at the diner yeah so we already had our podcast conversation this morning yeah we were crushing it guys you should have been there there was some laughter show up to slims get a become a time traveler come to slims in dc and just kind of hover around our table yeah i mean looking back it wasn't all great but there was some there was some good moments listen i had a good time yeah well well we're gonna have to replicate the fucking jazz right now baby nah let's just call it anyway thanks for being on the podcast yeah i

didn't really have a choice i didn't even know you were doing this you were like so i've got the podcast equipment yeah gotta be back at one like well morning me uh-huh well i've been trying to get you back on for a while because i'm off every other friday so i always try to come down here when i can and usually you're like we'll bring the podcast stuff that is true so i figured i would surprise you yay see are you excited i'm actually well uh um hey what's been up with you so much stuff dude so much so much stuff yeah you can't even bother to tell you it yeah you probably shouldn't too much stuff ask me now what's been up with you dude it's crazy like i don't want to get into it though really yeah to be honest not a lot's been happening for me neither it's kind of the same

yeah working stand up owning a house it's interesting what inspires people to do podcasts when when nothing really worth sharing happens in any of their lives. Yeah. But you have to fake it. You'll be like, oh, yeah. Oh, so we should just fake this? Should we just fake stuff we've done? I mean, that was fun. I mean, I've done a lot of fake stuff recently.

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just bought my fan boat. Oh. Yeah. Wait, did you take that to the moon? No, that's unrealistic. Oh, okay. That couldn't happen.

But I did buy a fan boat. I see you've been taking improv classes too. That paid off. Well, you know, sometimes the quality of your partner doesn't stack up. Sure, sure. Believe me, I know. All right, how would that improv riff have gone? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We just flew to the moon on it. Yeah, we could have riffed on it for an hour. All right, well, let's try it. And then we write the script for Fan Boat on the Moon. Let's go back. And we get rich. Fan Boat on the Moon. Yeah.

So, Chris, I understand you took your Fan Boat to the Moon. I did. It was a difficult journey. Sure. Because space is a vacuum. So the fan was essentially useless the second we left the Earth's atmosphere. And typically a fan boat is on water. Well, that as well.

That was obviously an issue we had to overcome. We didn't think through the fan, the vacuum thing. That hit us by surprise. We were doing very well as we got through the Stratus. And this was you, Whoopi Goldberg. And Dave Attell. Wow. Weird mix.

Strange mix. Didn't get on very well. Should have chosen a better team, if I'm being perfectly honest. Were they old friends? Well, she's racist, as is he. So it really, and they're both towards me. So it was an awkward, because I was the only one that could drive the fan boat so they'd be there being backseat racist drivers sure yeah uh and uh you know and then who was laughing once we entered the vacuum of space none of us because we all imploded

but the aliens saved you brought you safely to the moon yep they uh they gave us a jump uh they were just cruising past they saw us struggling uh-huh and they gave it a jump. They were just cruising past. They saw us struggling. They gave it a jump. And pushed us in the right direction. Which is great. Back towards Earth. And we hurtled back to our fiery crash landing in the ocean. Yeah, and now you're here to tell the tale.

Where the fan boat, useful to have. Right, finally, back on Earth. They didn't think that through with the astronauts why not make them re-enter in a boat because would they land in the ocean then they could just bob up and sail back to the shore that would look so cool too just like a speedboat hurtling towards the earth and then it lands in the water and then they can just take off it's like something from fast and furious yeah uh see look we did that was a great riff all right i mean yeah it was bad yeah i shouldered the bulk of that riff you really did i mean i threw some you're a good yes and man i threw some stuff out there that's what improv is yeah guys making stand-ups look better well uh yeah probably you came to uh an improv show i did it was very good yeah

you came uh i got to improvise with rory scoville and a bunch of like really good people down here in dc very good people i was laughing more heartily than i laughed at any point throughout that entire festival of comedy really yep yeah i was really surprised to see there because so is that like a little black box theater, the DC Arts Center down here. And I came out and I saw you, I saw Ross, and I was like, oh, holy shit. Well, I turned up with Ryan Donaghy because I was with Ryan. Right. And he had, Scoville had gone on the night before doing a guest set, a stand-up guest set after him.

Uh-huh. And that was the night Jason Weems was headlining. So it was like Donaghy, scoville weems to close out with one of the greatest like half an hour's of comedy i've ever seen right and uh and then the rumors were about this improv show that rory wanted to do and i mean ryan were just saying how great would it be to watch rory do improv and i was like well i'll call the guy that runs it and see if we could get in yeah and pete was like i'd love to have you you know it's sold out but i'll put a couple of seats on the stage for you and sure enough he's sat a couple of plastic chairs right next to the action and me and yeah ryan yeah sat there and got to enjoy it yeah it kind of made me nervous like

sometimes like if like family comes to a show or friends and you're right and there's like you know especially my relationship with your mother that's my awkward right because i consider you family and a friend right you're my stepdad but you know you're my father you know and uh but anyway so yeah especially when there's like other comics in the crowd too and you're like oh now i'm gonna do improv yeah but i was like oh this is like the and you were sick as well weren't you yeah i had bronchitis and i was like but i'm not to pass up the opportunity to fucking perform with Rory. It's like doing two dope queens out straight out of the hospital. It's like, you're not going to not do that.

Oh, yeah. Even though it was probably a massive medical mistake. Absolutely. You know, that's what you do. But yeah, I just knew that it wasn't going to be a bad show. It's like, there's no way. It was incredible. They were great.

I don't think you've talked about the hospital on a podcast yet yet have you uh i talked about it on not on your one i talked about it on three guys on but um well let's let's do it on a podcast yeah let's just throw back friday to january yeah so i've had a rough year yeah okay well sorry good luck good luck with that yes and me there. Yes, Andy. I thought that you were revving up there. You just want me to launch into the story? Well, so what happened? Your appendix burst. My appendix did not burst.

What happened to it? My appendix was infected, and I caught it in time, self-diagnosed off WebMD. Really? Went into the hospital. They laughed at me. It's the only time WebMD has has worked where it's like not i'm not gonna show cancer exactly well it did say that i had to scroll through all the different possible cancers but then right at the bottom it was like yeah it might also be a penicillin it's

not cancer which it most likely is so i went to the hospital and i was like i think i have cancer but it could be appendicitis right and they were. And they were like, why do you think that? And I was like, well, I went on WebMD and they were like, ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Fuck you. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ah, ha, ha.

And then they did some tests, came back 10 minutes later and they're like, okay, so you have appendicitis. They're like, what? Who's that? Sorry? Sorry, what was that, doctor?

Hmm. www.doctor.com. What was that? Mm-hmm. So, yeah. But they were like, like no worries we'll just take it out one and a half hour operation you'll be out of hospital tomorrow it hasn't burst yeah so i'm like cool go in to the surgery getting like nicely falling asleep the old yeah no cool brilliant wake up in like agonizing pain like much out many hours later in like emergency recovery jesus and you know stuff's gone wrong when you have a catheter in oh that no one informed you you were gonna get put in

so you woke up with a catheter yeah woke up with a catheter not a good sign not a good sign when no one's told you and you start moving around and realize your dick's, the inside of your dick is tied to a machine. Like, excuse me, I have a tube in my dick? Yeah. My appendix is the problem. So very quickly after I wake up, the whole team of surgeons turns up, right? All five.

What? Right? All women. Not going to say, just an observation. They were all women. That's just a fact. Right? And they stood together like this gang.

Like this sort of cosa nostra, a matter of silence. And they're like, Mr. Milner, whilst we were operating on your appendix, it decided to rupture. Kind of putting it on me and my appendix. Yeah, your appendix went rogue on us. Right. It was your appendix. Definitely not one of those five cack-handed medical students that was probably doing their first appendectomy with a bread knife and fucked it up.

Yeah, where it's like, this is so easy. Give it to one of the kids. Yeah, and they'll just be like, don't worry, it's fine. it's like this is so easy give it to one of the kids yeah and they'll just be like don't worry it's fine he's got a huge infection now he's gonna be on antibiotics for over a week but uh we'll just say it was his fault when we tell him and he can't really say it we can't even look at all five of us at the same time so it's not going to be very easy it's like when you give a firing squad blanks you know know, one guy in the firing squad gets blanks so that they can convince themselves that they had the blanks. Yeah, and they didn't shoot him.

It's the opposite of that with the doctors. Like, we're all going to shoot him. Yeah. And we're going to put the blame on him. And it's like, well, it's kind of rude of you, actually, for your appendix to burst. I mean, we're trying to help you, and you're gumming up the works. We wanted to go home after an hour and a half.

You kept us in there for seven hours while we were mopping up pus from your insides, you inconsiderate bastard. Jesus. Yeah, so got a lovely infection. Ended up being there for 11 days. Was on a drip with just fluids, antibiotics, uh fentanyl what is that too uh fentanyl is heroin oh good um but i was in so much pain it did nothing for me holy shit it was crazy um i was i couldn't eat or drink i was allowed six ice chips a day was my rations what a nightmare to keep my mouth my mouth getting dry

thinking about actually i was fantasizing about the water station in uh the big hunt uh-huh i was just like why do i always just walk past that shit why do i not just stop there for hours drinking the free fucking delicious cold water god so could you sleep at all like were you every two hours my um oh because they have to come in and check your shit they check you and also the your drip will beep for one of a few reasons either your tube gets clogged the battery's running out or one of the three different things is empty so at some point every other couple of hours the thing's beeping and like you have to call someone to come in and get it um shit myself sure didn't see that one coming because i hadn't eaten anything or drunk anything for six days you just shit a solid ice chip right

cool it was weird how cold it was really nice was actually really nice. It kind of cooled me down. It felt really good. Spraying ice chips out of them. You combine that with fentanyl? You're having a good time. Yeah, shit myself. Rogue shit. Thought I was farting. Just ended up being just mountains of green baby turd.

Was it solid? Kind of. That's impressive. It wasn't water. was yeah basically my stomach lining is what i found out since yeah it's like all my old bacteria your flora and your fauna yeah and everything that was keeping my gut intact so basically that to flush every type of bacteria from my body including my good bacteria and uh i had to they weren't releasing me because my white blood cell count was too high

so that meant that your body was fighting something yeah yeah it meant and uh yeah they couldn't they couldn't let me out but right it's fun having someone clean up your shit that enjoys it kind of has to act like they enjoy it and it's not a big deal, you know? Yeah. It's like kind of having a butler. Ugh. I had this nurse. Emphasis on butt.

This nurse, this guy from, I can't remember, some Central African country. Very happy to be cleaning up my poo. Really? Just over the moon to be on the night shift. Is he just being a sweetheart about it? He's being a sweetheart. We were talking in French. God, it happens all the time.

Oh, really? Yeah, I was like, Le caca, désolé, le caca, c'est dans tous les lits. Ah, oui, oui, oui. Yeah, there was that as well. Sure. Well, yeah, you got a oui. Yeah, they have inventions

that I didn't even consider existed for the cleaning up of old people shitting themselves yeah i mean that's probably a really big market like think about it if you're at an old folks home most of what you're dealing with is them shitting and pissing themselves and so there exists this chemical warm sponge that comes in like you you unpack it and it's like this really soft like chamois like like beautifully warm sponge with like soft soap on it and like lavender smelling it just gave me like eight of these i could just wipe my ass with this wonderful it was like wiping your ass with just like a hot rabbit a hot rabbit yeah it was just beautiful.

Yeah, a nice smelling rabbit. Yeah, it was beautiful. Yeah, do you know how, like, I think a rabbit would be the easiest animal to wipe. Right size, streamlined. Very fluffy. The hair, the ears could get into the hard to reach places. Oh, yeah, absolutely. But yeah, their backs, their bellies could all work.

Right. Can you think of a better animal to wipe your ass with than a white rabbit as well? Because you'd need to see it. I was picturing white. Obviously. Of course. Otherwise, you wouldn't know when you were done if it was a brown one. Right.

Just keep wiping. Well, this was a white rabbit. I always think about how blind people, how do they know? That blind people, you know what? I went out with this girl once. Yeah. Who was not the brightest bulb in the chandelier uh-huh and we were driving once at night and we saw a blind person with a cane

walking down the street at night and she goes oh that's weird okay watch goes i didn't think they'd need their canes at night what what now is that a moment when you're like well i guess we're done huh yeah that's one of those moments when it's like what led to this how did i choose this woman like if it's the beginning of the movie that's where your narration comes in you're probably wondering how i ended up here hi i'm chris millman right yeah she was also the same um girl that had no idea about the Chilean mining crisis. Okay. And then the day that it was over, her friend and I were talking about it. And we were like, oh, it's great that that mining crisis is finished.

She's like, what are you talking about? We're like, oh, like the ongoing global tragedy of the miners. They were down there for like a month. And she's like, because she was immediately always cynical of everything i said because i was so much smarter than her right annoyingly always right yeah i love being always right i was gonna say this is like your dream scenario this is kind of why i was with the girl i think subconsciously i just like being able to be right the whole time it's like it's like you were shaquille o'neal playing pickup ball at a high

school you're like i'm just gonna dunk all day it was easy that's fine i educated anyway um so she goes uh so i was like oh yeah this mine collapsed in chile and like 33 miners or something would trap for like the last six weeks and she was just like oh yeah really how did they breathe like it was all made up and I was bullshitting her. And we're like, I don't know how they fucking breathed something. They were fine. We don't know the ins and outs of it.

Bottom line is, I don't need to know that. I'm aware of the situation occurring. So she got all angry, went on the internet and sat there in a huff. And every now and again was popping up with like trivia about the Chilean mining crisis. And eventually I was just was just like yeah you're now the most well-informed person on the chilean mining crisis the day after it no longer is a thing anymore it's over now um that's really shitty too like did she think that you were trying to do bad improv with her like

okay there's 33 chilean miners where would this even go chris what are you talking about exactly that's unrealistic buried in a pedophile's backyard and uh the ground is made of chili actual chili that's the chili it's a big bowl of chili uh so when did you break up with her after the uh we ended up breaking up um because uh i was working so much that i legitimately wasn't seeing her and she ended up cheating on me moving out and basically living with another guy for like two weeks before i even realized she wasn't in the apartment anymore i just realized i realized i couldn't see her toothbrush. I was like, where the fuck is her toothbrush?

So you just woke up one morning like, that's weird. Yeah. Hey, babe. Babe, where's your toothbrush? Just to an empty apartment. Right. Hey, babe. Right.

But the funny thing is, actually, God, I remember. And the way I broke up with her is I busted her cheating. Yeah, it was great because she was going away. she'd been in paris she was from paris and so she was coming back for her that guy went to paris together even better even better even better she you always left her i never have a laptop right so she just left her laptop open and had left it at home and was using her phone and had her facebook up yeah and uh and i'm like texting her hey um i'm gonna make you a nice dinner when you get home just let me know what time you're gonna be here and i'll have it ready for you and she's like oh great blah blah i'll be back uh at this time and so i make the dinner for the time and then she texts me about half an hour before she's

supposed to be back oh the plane's delayed i'm not gonna be back for another couple of hours you're like the ice chips are melting oh that's annoying yeah exactly beautiful dude right so so i'm a bit dejected and then seconds later a facebook message pops up on her facebook from her to this guy saying my boyfriend in inverted commas we've been together for like two years at this point we live together thinks that my plane is delayed meet me at the airport by the mirror statue and we can go back to your house for a couple of hours oh my god right whoa so i'm just sitting on this bombshell for three hours now when that now when that hits you do you have a rain like a range of emotions are you pissed are you feeling betrayed or are you

so excited that you got her kind of the latter because at this point the relationship was just like it descended into just nothing right we weren't seeing each other you know we weren't having sex we weren't doing anything like together it was just like we were paying rent yeah we're just paying rent and um yeah your roommates yeah and uh in in in a bedroom that didn't have a double bed had two twin beds pushed together and by the end the gap between the twin beds is just like it's just like an old couple like out of the gate jesus it's like you learned something about a woman where you've been sleeping in the bedroom opposite her for over two years um yeah so anyway so i was kind of kind of happy because it gave me a reason to end the relationship because before i'd kind of

just been dragging it out because i didn't want to have to deal with the hassle of like finding someone else to live in the apartment and yeah just you know all that bullshit yeah it's yeah it sucks breaking up when you get older just for the logistics too because it's like well then i gotta fucking because then it's not it's like well fuck you then and then it's like fuck you too can you take the trash out right because you're still living together it's not like it ends immediately right luckily i was coming to the end of my work contract and i knew i didn't want to renew it because i wasn't enjoying my job so i was like okay i'm just gonna i'm just gonna make a clean break of it but obviously i'll have some fun with this sure so i left the dinner out okay i let the candle like burn down like you know in the movies where the candle's dripping down the edge.

Great metaphor for your relationship. Coming to the end here. The fire just slowly dying. There's a little bit of flame left. The computer's there. I left the message up but let the screensaver come on. I bought a projector.

I have it projected on the side of the wall i invited her friends and family to the apartment and so she gets back to be fair on time the one thing she didn't lie about and uh and i was just hey, how was the flight? Oh, God. Just letting her just wander into it. She's like, oh, yeah, it was really delayed. I'm glad I'm home to see you. I was like, really?

Really? Really? And then just hit the computer and the screensaver went off and it just had her message. And it was the most amazing thing to watch someone the realization the realization yeah the realizing that they've been completely busted and just watch them crumple like physically physically crumpled wow almost like doubled over and i was like i was drinking wine at the time i think i was like sipping wine like just watching like react yeah i'm picturing you in a tuxedo, but like the bow tie's undone.

You have a cigarette maybe. Yeah, just want, like when she comes in, it's the thing where like you turn on the apartment light like, oh, hello. I'm sitting in a smoking jacket holding just a riding crop. Getting something out of your teeth. Yeah, so we broke up then. Sure. What did she say? Did she try to weasel out of your teeth yeah so so yeah we broke up then sure what did she say did she try to weasel out of it because i'm picturing her face like you can probably see the computing going on of like right okay there's got to be a way out of this holy fuck oh my god uh and then realizing you're so sweet because she wasn't she wasn't quick enough or intelligent enough to come

up with any sort of a ruse there was no way anyone could have done you'd have to be like mackey valley himself to be able to trick me into thinking that somehow i'd misinterpreted that yeah but she just didn't have a chance oh no way and um yeah and and then and that was it um and i left Barcelona and before, not before, not before running an unemployment scam on the Spanish government to fund.

Sure. Well, here's the thing. It's not really a scam. If you get made redundant in Spain, what does that mean? You get asked

to leave your job. Oh, okay. Okay. So like, you don't get your contract renewed or something. You can claim

unemployment benefits and they will pay you 60 of whatever it is you are earning for how long for if you're working for the company for a year you get it for three months okay if you work in there for two years you get it for six months gotcha and that could go on ultimately up until the cutoff point, which is three years. They're not going to pay you unemployment for longer than three years. Right. So that would be a quarter, essentially. But the way that people take advantage of it is that they go over from North Africa,

live in Spain, work there for a Spanish company for, say, six years or ten years, and then claim unemployment and then go back to morocco and get or wherever they come from and they work there too no they don't they they they just get but give them the bank account for the their bank in africa and spain will just send 60 of their spanish salary which is in their price of living exuberantly much more money than they would earn if they were working there. So they can sit there and for three years, every week have 60% of what they were earning sent to their place in wherever they're living

and live like a fucking king. And they're rich, yeah. So that's why Spain's economy, one of the reasons Spain's economy crumbled. Damn. So I took advantage of that, gave them my British bank account, asked to be made redundant by the company I was with,

and just went back to Britain and got paid by Spain to be there for four months. That's amazing. What was the conversion rate from Spain to... Oh, from euros to pounds? Yeah. I mean, I was still getting like... They were probably giving me...

300 pounds a week, $500 a week. Jesus Christ jesus christ four months it's pretty good right for for doing nothing that's amazing yeah that's like the best parting gift from a relationship get out of here you scamp i mean i'd probably be arrested if i went back to spain for sure i'm pretty sure there's like eight cell phone contracts that I just never cancel. I know I've got like three open bank accounts there. I'm just picturing whoever has to approve your green card here. Just like, well, let's see what this guy's been up to. I like a comedy podcast. And he's like, what?

What are you, a scammer on government? Yeah, no, that was back in the past. And obviously, you could never do such a thing in America because there's so much smarter than the Spanish. And also, yeah, why would you? It's such a great country.ica because they're so so much smarter than the spanish and also yeah why would you it's such a great country yeah i mean you have free health care and unemployment oh yeah it's just you know the advantage is being an american being to get to say you do live i mean i love living in the hole of freedom washington dc that's what that's what they call it yeah when you come into the city there's a big sign. Oh, W-H-O-L-E. Sorry.

I was like the entirety of freedom. I don't know. That maybe came across like I meant the anus of freedom. Well, that's what they used to call it. But anus was a good thing. But that was Latin for the year of freedom. So that was correct. Yeah.

If you look at the Constitution, it says this is the year of our anus. Right. And you're like, what? And then you have to realize they spoke differently back then it was a different time uh how long have you been here uh since february 2011 okay i was a valentine's gift for your mother oh that's oh yeah the box had holes in it i remember when you showed up yeah it's a property of spain i know it's like a reverse glory hole i just used to stick my dick out every port that i landed in until i landed here a reverse glory mom your reverse glory hole is here he says his name is chris uh yeah what brought you here i don't even think i know that

did we talk about this last time uh legitimatelyitimately the story that I just told you. Oh, really? Yeah, like the company that I was working for also had a property here. And I wanted to get out of Spain. And I wanted to go to New York or Miami. Because at the time I could speak Spanish and New York was attractive at that time. But they were like, no, you're going to DC. I was like, no, I'm not.

And they were like, yeah, you to dc i was like no i'm not and they were like yeah you are and i literally turned it down and then they came back to me with like a different job and i was like where's this they're like in dc i was like i'm not gonna get any options here am i no no so yeah turned up in dc after uh having to spend uh four months detoxing uh in london because i got really hooked on coke in spain because i was working so hard holy shit yeah it was it was everywhere and it was a really bad time and uh that was like what were you doing what was your job i was the restaurant manager oh i was gonna say were you in a restaurant i was a restaurant manager for opening a five-star hotel so standards impossibly high service impossibly bad right you know because these are just new spanish people trying to work in like a global five-star chain where you're

supposed to be like you know quiet and seen and not heard and you got these guys like it's like what the fuck why are you screaming across the fucking dining room like oh i needed forks i was like yeah walk over there and ask him quietly for forks so yeah it was just a nightmare every day i was just a coked up mess um and uh obviously my relationship was suffering and it sounded pretty it sounded like you were having a great time over there in Spain. Good times were had. Yeah. But bad times were prevalent.

Jesus Christ. I mean, the good times were Barcelona football. Oh, yeah? Yeah, dude. I got the hook up because one of the guys that loved the restaurant was the then president of Barcelona Football Club, Joan Laporta. And he, like, loved me. I was, like, his favorite restaurant manager in the city. So every time he came in,

the next day, some random dude would just turn up with a fucking envelope full of tickets for like the upcoming games. Jesus. And when my dad came

for his birthday, it was the Champions League, which I mean for soccer is a really big thing in Europe. It's kind of like sort of the playoffs for Super Bowl or something. Right.

And he got us tickets to go there and like backstage after party passes and shit like that. They lost, which sucked. So no one was at the after party. Aren't they super racist? Yes. Okay. Absolutely racist. Was that like every game?

Because that place is like notorious for like throwing bananas at black players. It's not even just defined to the football stadiums spain's a racist country i mean they were they were a republican dictatorship until the late 70s right which sort of you know emphasized purity of race yeah so i'm sure that's still lingering around of course it is jesus christ okay so then you get out of there and now when you say you're detoxing is that are you at a facility or are you just staying with your parents like sweating it out yeah i i went and uh moved into um a i went and basically lived in the mountains in france for like three weeks to detox how does that work were you because you don't know because if i'm in london i'm around coke yeah and you can get it yeah so if i go to just around the middle of nowhere, I can't get anything.

See, it sounds so cool to be in Europe. I know it's a terrible time, but it sounds so romantic to say I was detoxing in the mountains of France. I can't go to London because I can get it. It just sounds so international and cool. Yeah, so I was just hiking and shit and being in fresh air. Okay, so it wasn't a part of like... While I was waiting for my visa to come through to come here. Gotcha.

But it wasn't like any type of program. It was like I just need to get away from everything. No, it was a personal decision. Because I knew that I'd have to get drugs tested for my visa. So I needed to be clean. And obviously I wanted to stop the lifestyle because it was destroying me. Killing you. And awful.

Right. Yeah, see see i've never done coke because both of my parents are addicts so like i've never really done anything that could sink its teeth into me it's without doubt the most addictive waste of money right that's what i hear is like it's like fun for a little bit it's not even fun for a little bit i think like when you first start but then like the most immediate thing that it becomes is like let's just get more like you just got some so it's always about like getting more that's all it is and i mean the stupid thing is like if you honestly think about it any cocaine that you buy in a like a main commercial city probably most likely has been cut at least five times stepped

on yeah right because think about it like you get that packet pure from the jungle right that gets shipped from the jungle to some guy on a on the dock yes putting on a boat yeah why would he not cut it right that got that boat then goes to miami where he gets the mega that guy's gonna cut it that guy then goes to a mid level dealer he's gonna cut it that goes to a street level deal he's gonna cut it again by the time you get it you're getting you're getting fucking dental anesthetic and caffeine yeah to give you the numb mouth and like you know like the awake buzz it's just not even but yeah i'm sure it's even cut out like cut up even more than that and like stepped on like the person on the plane is probably

doing it before they drop it off or whatever you know like um yeah so yeah i've just never messed with it i don't put it out of the realm of possibility but i'm 30 and i've never done it so it's like i wouldn't bother i mean yeah it's like smoking after you turn 18 here like most people i know that started smoking it's before it was legal you know what i mean i mean put it this way what good can come of it exactly like yeah i always can come of trying yeah i wanted to do a bit about that about heroin like nothing good has ever happened like some drugs you understand like mushrooms lsd like oh my god it was insane we just laughed and we saw the wall was moving it was incredible pot oh man music sounded so good but on heroin nobody's ever

like well i started uh chasing the dragon and that's why i'm the ceo of this fortune 500 company today like no good story has ever come from heroin you know the moorishness of cocaine and heroin really gave me the drive to pursue more in my own life i kind of wasn't shit before i did heroin to be honest um did i ever tell you the story when i accidentally did her no oh dude see this is an interesting story so accidentally yeah completely on accident got blazed on accident um so i was at the dogs right which is the greyhound racing okay um so like that was always a fun like i thought you said the docks no which i was like okay of course you accidentally did hair like why are you hanging out at the docks well i mean

it's kind of it's kind of more understandable that you accidentally did it at a greyhound organized dog race i mean it's not better no yeah my family actually uh used to like breed greyhounds yeah on our family crest uh-huh is the family the top of the family crest is a greyhound a leaping greyhound and my dad's got a signet ring with a greyhound on it jesus christ so anyway so i was watching the greyhounds and uh i was on my own i was having quite a good time um and i was just ended up chatting to this guy, random guy. We're getting on.

We both bet on this. I think we won on the same race and we were collecting winnings on the same dog. So we started to bond over that. Yeah, and we ended up having a couple of beers. Nice guy. Completely and utterly nice guy having a very good time with this stranger.

At the end of the night, he's like, oh, what are you going to do now? And I was like, oh, I was just going to go home. And he's like, where do you live? I was like, oh, I was just going to go home. And he's like, where do you live? I was like, oh, Crystal Palace. You know, we're in Catford. It's probably three miles, right? So you wouldn't walk it ordinarily, right?

You'd probably get a bus or whatever. But he's like, oh, I'm going that way. Do you want to walk and have a smoke? And I'm just like, yeah, always, right? Idiot. So we're walking back towards where I live, and he brings out, he's rolling in his hand in a paper, and he's taking out this brown crumbly powder from a glassy bag.

And I'm assuming it's hash. Yeah. Right? It's tough. I'm assuming this guy's just pre-ground up a load of hash into a bag so he wouldn't have to fumble with the lighter to break it down while he's trying to roll on the street maybe this is too rich drug terminology for you and you've got no idea how hash is uh i've only seen hash a couple times okay so generally hash often is not good enough that you can just crumble it and you have

to like heat it a little bit so a lot of the time you need to heat it with a lighter and then crumble it so i was kind of like he'd done it ahead of time to avoid that step and make it easier wow what a professional right exactly i'm thinking what a great guy what a useful fellow to have in my life so we smoke a joint and uh talking not really thinking about it we're walking we're walking you know he's rolling another one we're talking we're walking before you know it we're walking we're walking you know he's rolling another one we're talking we're walking before you know it we're at where i live we've walked three miles without even thinking about it and smoked two of these joints right and um and i'm feeling fantastic i'm like this is the this has been the greatest night of my life yeah i've met a new friend you know like

we bonded yeah i won some money on the greyhounds i feel fantastic you smoke two joints right nice walk and he goes uh oh so uh so do you want do you want to buy any i was like uh buy any what he's like uh any of the h and He's like, no, the horse. And I was like, you're saying hash weird. I was like, what were the greyhound races? What are you talking about horses? We're at a hash race. What?

So I'm like, where the hell am I? But those horses were tiny. They looked almost like dogs. You couldn't even see the jockeys. No, I don't want to buy a tiny horse. No, thank you. It's like Tony Woods. Little shetland pony he sings but not tonight he's a little horse not tonight um yeah so he's asking if i want to buy any of this heroin i'm subsequently realizing we've been smoking heroin yeah for three miles and i'm like

no and i'm trying to be cool because i've just been getting on with this guy for like the last three hours right yeah i've been really bonding but now i'm like completely reassessing every decision i've made yeah in my life to lead me to this situation where i'm turning down heroin outside my house and uh and i'm like no no i'm fine he's like okay okay you want to buy a car radio and then just opens his bag and he's just got a car radio that's clearly but just been pulled out of someone's car with the wires still hanging out and i'm like oh this guy's a massive criminal yeah like he's just a sociopath i don't even know if it's sociopath it was just a just a fucking criminal yeah but like it's a nice criminal like were you

actually getting on or do you think he was like getting on fantastic or was he like working you like yeah not at all he honestly seemed confused that i obviously turned a bit weird towards the end of our time together. And then said, okay, time to go. And then as I walked away, I realized I don't want to walk into my house because I don't want to show this guy. So I just wandered off down the street.

And he's like, where are you going? I'm like, yeah, bye. I walked around the block as for not to run into this guy again. They're like snuck in the back of my house. God. What an awkward ending for like a failed drug deal.

Completely. Well, I'll see ya. Yeah, so I was just sitting in my bedroom trying to freak out but just not being able to

because I was high on heroin. Because you were so chill. Jesus. I was like, oh my God, I smoked heroin but it's fine. Oh my God. It's fine. It's great. I smoked heroin. I was going to play my God, I smoked heroin. But it's fine. Oh my God. Everything's fine.

It's great. I smoked heroin. I was going to play a little bit of Super Nintendo. This is great. Nintendo's are great. Should I get some,

should I buy some horse? Yeah. I've never felt more fulfilled in my life than I do now. Maybe this is the start of something really beautiful. God bless you.

You turned out to be an angel drug dealer. Yeah, so I never did it again. That was my only ever heroin yeah okay that's that's fair when you say i accidentally did that is accidentally doing it right big time exactly i think because i was thinking like needles i forget that you can smoke it or snort it but uh like like so i fell on a hypodermic needle yeah it was already in my

arm and i was like why not you know right uh yeah never had... But that's what the fentanyl was. Now, did it feel close to that? Did it take you back to your Super Nintendo? No, this is another story I've told. The other time I accidentally did heroin. So it was yesterday. The second time I got crabs. Yeah, the second time I accidentally did heroin was because it was labeled under fentanyl

and I didn't realize that those are basically the same thing.'s a great name for a book the second time i accidentally did heroin the chris milner story yeah right so fentanyl is a drug that they give to people it's basically one of the most serious painkillers around and generally they'll give it to you in the patch form like either iv or in a patch okay so they'll put like the patch on so they've had like hip transplants or like chemo and it will release heroin into their system over the course of like weeks but like at the spot of like where they need it the most like slow release kind of like a nicotine patch right technology i'm not good on patch tech but uh really some sort of slow release distribution system anyway patch tech patch tech which is very up and coming uh sector of the economy huge silicon valley oh dude get it on

patch tech while you can't smoke there so patch tech's actually probably really important so we're probably actually telling the truth now i bet they do that a lot yeah they have like slow release like mushrooms probably in patch form that's just the realms of fancy joshua um too fancy the realms of fantasy the realms of fantasy so the patches yes i was doing and this still to my day is is is the worst show i've ever done because i was accidentally on her but regardless regardless to that it would have been the worst show had i not been sure show for show dave chauffeur notorious uh promoter i guess ex-promoter ex-promoter around here current cat sitter yes we side watch we but were booked i was booked this was probably six months into having done comedy right it was booked at this show in the middle of nowhere in the middle of a barn or whatever his thing was yeah bumfuck maryland i was with pat coffee pat's dad r.i.p pat's dad um at the time was getting

chemo and had these fentanyl patches and pat had taken one of the patches and cut them into like tabs and he comes in the car and he's like hey do you want to you want to try this um i was like what is it and he's like oh it's like fentanyl i don't know what it'll do but like i'm just going to put this tab on on like the inside of my mouth like normally it's a big patch that it releases over weeks and i was like yeah sure yeah i'm down for whatever but i didn't really realize it was heroin at this point right so i was like yeah fuck it i'm sitting in the car for two hours of pat coffee i might as well take as many drugs as i can what did you what did you think it was like what type of drug it was just i always like experimenting like okay so try this it was under the umbrella of drugs that was was good enough for you. Gotcha. I got in trouble with that once. I'll tell you that story.

Just once? So Patch is under the ton. We're driving. He nearly crashes twice, right? I didn't realize this at the time that is directly related to the fact that... I'm sorry, you were driving with Patch Coffee? Patch Tech Cough, right?

Incorporated. Yeah. PatchTechInc.com.gov.org was driving crashing quite a lot we get to the crashing in the sense of like passing out no as in like going up on the curb with the car like going around corners and like just completely clipping the corner. Oh my God. Yeah. Or like changing lanes over the median. Like really like terrible driving. Wow. But we didn't realize that it was obviously completely to do with this until we got to this place,

which was a barn in the middle of nowhere. And we both got out of the car at the same time and both fell straight onto the floor. Whoa. Like our legs did not work we moved them out as soon as you went to stand up we both stacked it jesus and i just had this image of me clawing my way up the car pulling myself onto the hood of the car and resting my chin on the hood at exactly the same time as pat was doing the same thing and we just both locked eyes on the hood of the roof of the car, just staring at each other like, what the fuck just happened?

And then he's like, I think we're high on heroin. I was like, again? How does this always happen to me? Your head is on the hood of a car, like trying to fight gravity. Oh, gosh. So then after six months of doing car, like trying to fight gravity. Oh, gosh. So then after six months of doing comedy, I had to do a show to a crowd of basically a mix between septuagenarians and children. Sure. And because there were children there, they was like, oh, this has got to be a clean show.

And he goes, oh, and the headline is not here. So you're just going to have to go, Chris. No idea how the show went. Can't remember at all. Really? No idea. Did you cuss? No.

Don't know. I think I made fun of the fact I wasn't allowed to make fun of the situation. I like the idea of you being high on heroin. And he's like, keep it clean, guy. All right. You can be on heroin. just don't say any naughty words okay all right i run a clean operation uh yeah god accidentally doing heroin no i never never did that you've accidentally done drugs um actually not like when you were uh telling the

story about uh mixing stuff with the weed i think my friend actually did put coke on top of a bowl once just like a little bit and like this is when i like it was a party so like we were already drinking and smoking and then he was like oh that's chronic and i was like what and i didn't feel anything from it because i think i was already fucked up but that's like the only time i've ever had a situation like that yeah i mean i used to hang out with this uh this chef um who drugs are so big in the restaurant world like especially in the kitchen yeah in hospitality it's crazy and i mean like we used to in all our free time because you're working such huge hours you're basically family yeah people in there yeah so in your off time you know you go out and get wasted

and like you know if you someone's and get wasted and like, you know, if someone's doing something, you know, you don't do it. Yeah, especially if you work the late shift too. You're like, well,

it's two or three in the morning. Like, we're the only ones up. Yeah. So he and I, he was crazy though. Like, I consider myself pretty,

you know, seasoned when it comes to doing, like trying drugs and experimenting. But this guy just took it to another level. And so I was hanging out with him at his place and he lived in like this uh like this squat you know like this uh warehouse conversion weird thing where that no one was really allowed to live there but it was like artists and people do yeah it's like a huge place not that there's like eight people that live there it's kind of like more like an artist pop-up thing. Yeah, yeah. Very, very big drug, like lots of beanbags and shit.

Like, good place to do drugs. Sure. So we're there, and I think we were doing, I think we were doing ketamine. And he says, Jesus. Do you want to try this new thing I've got? It's called Hippie Crack.

And I was like, what is this? And he goes, well, basically you're going to completely lose touch with reality um for no more than a couple of seconds but it'll feel like ages and then afterwards you'll be rushing like you're on mdma uh and like sort of tripping like you're on on lsd but then it'll it'll go away after 20 minutes all the effects and i'm like that sounds amazing you know what i mean like yeah it's away entirely after 20 minutes you're not stuck having to like go shopping on acid or anything um yeah so so i'm just like yeah sure fucking try this so how do you take it and he's like brings out this glass vial with a pipette in it and he's like i've just got to put a couple of drops of this on your tongue so he puts it on my tongue it's not a drug it's not a hippie crack he's a chef and someone has

come into the restaurant earlier that day with essences of different spices and he had stolen the essence of capsicum the most concentrated form of hot chili you can find not even an oil not even the chili like literally like ethanol distilled oh my god you're supposed to add like one drop to like a huge like brat pan of gumbo to like make it spike right that'll cover like a giant this guy like drop like three drops of it on my tongue whilst i'm on ketamine thinking i'm about to have the greatest drug trip of my life oh my fucking god it was the worst prank holy shit and how long does that last oh i was i don't know i was sitting there with my fucking tongue in a bowl of milk for the rest of the evening and it wasn't going away i was just sitting there just

angrily going i hate it i'd be so fucking bad yeah okay oh my god what a fucking asshole yeah he was great though shout out ed anyway i love the guy um holy fuck i'm not i'm not good with spicy stuff either so that's oh man yeah that would kill me i would feel i'd be like my tongue's on fire but emotionally i'm also a wreck right now you betrayed me that hurts but i can't really figure any of that out because i'm also on ketamine and it looks like my foot is 15 feet away from me right now if you could say that to him but luckily for you i'm on ketamine yeah luckily for you i'm looking at the corner of the room where the walls meet the ceiling and i can't figure out if it's going out or in so i'll get back to you after i figure this out my mcs reality is dribbling down the walls around me and uh i also can't taste now i don't even think i have a tongue

um yeah never did ketamine i have a friend that said he accidentally did it too because does it look like coke yeah yeah it's white ketamine's a good drug okay it means uh make your brain bleed though no well that's what i heard ketamine used to be used as anesthetic for children being during like up until like Second World War. But it's for horses too, right? It's for all animals. It's a tranquilizer. But it used to be used on people.

And tiny horses, which they call greyhounds. Yeah. And there was a... Oh, dude, I've got another good story about... So there was a... While we were at university, there was this spate of robberies that was going on by this gang who were turning up to students after parties after raves and selling them very strong rhinoceros ketamine getting them completely spanned out and unresponsive

and then robbing their places wow so there was like this was going on. And these guys tried to hit up our place, our after party with me and my friends who were huge cat heads and had massive tolerances for it. Oh, wow. So they turn up with their shit. They're like, it's Rhino Cat. And we're just like, fuck yeah, by Rhino Cat. Doing the cat, obviously strongest cat I've ever done.

Complete out of body experience. Incredible. But then all of a sudden the music stops and like we're all looking around and these guys just unplugging our laptop and we're just like what are you doing he just looks at me like why are you not passed out and all of us like put the tunes back on because we don't realize they're robbing us we're just like weird druggie just put the fucking laptop down plug it plug the fucking yeah you're bumming us out right now bro and so they're just looking but all of them are like uh

okay and then one of them starts picking up the weed and the wallet's off the table and then three of us just stand up we're just like what the fuck are you doing and these guys look shook like yeah proper gangster black rude boy scary guys that had never encountered anyone walking off this ketamine wow and we used to just everyone taking it and then just having their way with the thing and all of us were just like you're gonna have to leave man you've really kind of ruined this ketamine party i'm still on ketamine i'm in a great space but you are a bummer yeah you gotta go god damn like what a fucking thing that must be too to be robbing people right in front of them like they had to be so interesting you could see it like if you're on cat you could see it happening

but you probably couldn't do anything about it or really it wouldn't really make sense what was going on yeah yeah you wouldn't doing something about it and getting aggressive would be literally the last thing on your mind right but what a fucking bold thing to do like i'm just gonna take this laptop right in front of you i mean yeah ultimately yeah because ketamine is very cheap and if you've got a very like an easy source like you can make a lot of money off it yeah i'm sure see there's no hangover there's no like a next day feeling oh really yeah there is right like you have like drugs that there's there's very little yeah and like molly like burns up all your serotonin so you're on like this super high and then the next day you're all fried.

Yeah, that shit I don't really fuck with. Like mushrooms here and there, great. Did you hear that? Did you see the Lucas Brothers new special on drugs? No. I just watched the beginning, but there's this great bit where like, yeah, we smoke a lot of weed. We tried doing mushrooms,

but it's not about doing psychedelics with someone that looks exactly like you. Terrifying. Terrifying. Very weird. Not good. doing mushrooms but it's not about doing psychedelics with someone that looks exactly like terrifying terrifying very weird not good not recommending that would have would not recommend um no yeah yeah i don't think i'm ever going to do anything beyond that like just beyond like kind of psychedelics and weed i think yeah i mean also i mean i i i'm i'm done with drugs now i mean i'll do mushrooms um like you said like psychedelics um yeah i i never fully trusted acid i've done it a few times but i never fully trusted it because i swear i was affected by a video i watched when i was younger really that like warned us of the dangers of acid and it was kind of like in the 90s so it was terribly done and acted and it was like this guy just like walking along like dressed 90s guy and it's like dave did acid and this is what happened he like does this acid he's just walking down and clearly

this guy's been told to act like he's seeing loads of stuff that isn't there and then they've really clumsily superimposed this like cartoon drawing of like a monster like on on the video just going like it doesn't look scary at all it looks like amateurish and this guy's pretending he's not really looking at it and he's pretending that he can see it yeah and i was just like is that what happens when you take acid and i just believe that for so long. You just thought it was like a really lame experience. And then at the end, they go, and sometimes you never come out of the trip.

And I was like, well, there's no fucking way. I'm taking acid if I have to be like Dave and see that cartoon thing forever. All the fucking time. Yeah, no. So I didn't do it for a really long time. And then my ex, one of my exes had done it and said I i should try it and we did it together and it was pretty good no less yeah um we kept she had a neighbor who was trying to have a dinner party and we kept calling him and

getting him to come in and be like tell me or tell me not is the candle flickering in time to the base i'm trying to have a fucking dinner party stop calling me in to ask whether or not pictures are moving they're not you're on acid yeah nothing's moving yeah uh yeah i think i said this last time when uh when you're on the podcast when you talk about mushrooms like yeah when you mistakenly said that i did acid in the intro. That's right, yeah. I'm sorry, buddy. I never do acid on stage. Calm down, calm down.

So I never had the opportunity. Well, yeah, so I met somebody recently that said... My drug days are all but over. That they like... Legal weed is my only way now. Mm-hmm. 420, bro. But they're saying that they can control

LSD better than mushrooms and like I don't know it seems like LSD is more of a wild card you can only control LSD if you literally make it to yourself yeah yeah I don't know he was talking about going to radio head shows and doing LSD there and like I feel like I would

want to like die it seems a little intense for me I haven't done it enough to i've never done it outside i've only ever done it inside a safe space right right listening to like pink floyd and yeah traditional acid experience with like fairy lights plugged in and yeah no i'm just thinking like hearing kid a being surrounded by like thousands of people and like crazy light visuals and stuff like this is a little this is a little much yeah yeah i agree that's a little much for me but yeah i think i'm just uh this is gonna be a milk toast uh weed and mushrooms yeah you don't you're not you're not a druggie josh

no but it is weird that yeah both my parents were so it's like it's weird how it kind of like skipped me maybe my kid is gonna be a huge druggie that's why i gotta adopt you know who saved who right my sister used to work in uh she used to go and work in orphanages every summer in like romania for like crack babies oh my god yeah she's like the most amazing like humanitarian we do that for like fun like paid to do it right and uh i'm like the opposite like a complete piece of shit and my friend who's also a complete huge piece of shit like i just remember us getting high going down stairs and she left her photo album out of her with all like the disabled crack babies and we've never laughed more and i hate to say it but just flicking through that book with the weird

missized head babies and it's the worst thing in the world yeah like i'm looking at my sister literally helping these kids and we're there hi calling them pinheads and stuff it was the worst it was awful i was a horrible person when i was younger jesus that is one of those laughs though where it's so satisfying because you shouldn't be laughing oh yeah and then it's listening to cumtown laughs yeah i love cumtown yeah i introduced my sister to it she's just like i love this that's so good i can't tell anyone that i love it yeah i love how my wife hates that she loves it because she's like supposed to be like really progressive woke yeah she's like i can't believe i'm enjoying this as much as it's so good it's

just so great that it's popular too like because it's one of those things where it should not be like i mean they're both i mean they're all being into that point like you you shouldn't laugh at this but you can't help it and like that's what comedy needs right now because there's too much censorship and what you can and can't say just say all the things you're not supposed to say all the worst stuff great great yeah don't say one weird thing in a load of other normal stuff because then just make it all awful yeah that's fine yeah and that's how they were talking anyway so yeah so just to have a podcast like that where it's like you're saying the worst shit and then it's called come town yeah and it has written income so if you get your phone out on the train you have to literally show everyone you're listening to a podcast called Come Town.

I think I talked about this on the last podcast, too. It's just because this guy had on. He's a rapper in Baltimore named Height Keech. And he's like, do you like Come Town? Did he know about it? Yeah. Well, he knew Stav. He's like, do you like Stav's podcast?

I love the fact that we know those guys. mean like nick left before i got here but i mean adam and stav were definitely part of my comedy upbringing nick was he was kind of around he was around he was around for a bit i mean nick and i know each other like well but like yeah we've never practiced comedy in dc at the same time i think other than for maybe a six month period yeah yeah stav's the one that i know probably the most. I know Adam a little bit, but... Yeah, I lived quite near Adam. Yeah.

And obviously, I was good friends with Jamel. Right, right, right. Yeah, once Jamel and I were on the shrooms and we were just peeking and Adam called in tears letting us know that his girlfriend was cheating on him. That's so amazing. It was the origin of his whole story about that yeah it's so amazing that you say that because i was hanging

out at uh my girlfriend's friend's house this chick lily and apparently like bucket tried to hook lily or lily and adam up or something or like it was like you guys should meet or something so they like went on one date kinda and then she said like a week or two later she was walking home and she saw adam on his steps just crying in his hands and she's like hey how's it going he's like not good she's like seinfeld yeah not good not good not crying girlfriend sleeping with my dj best friend uh yeah he's she's like what happens like just found out that his girlfriend was cheating on him why did he go on a date with her the week before if he was maybe it wasn't a date or like they hung out i don't know what it was that was my question

that he was actually cheating on his girlfriend the whole time yeah so maybe i'm speaking out of school it's not dating i don't know what it was but bucko is like you guys should hang out or maybe she like met him at a party whatever and then like saw him a week later and then was like oh he really ruined that mushroom trip you are a piece of shit it's so funny here we are having a good time he's devastated his heart's broken you're like jesus christ yeah i was literally making those signs i was making the wrap it up sign miming killing yourself but yeah so for uh for those that don't know yeah so then adams oh everyone that listens to

this podcast should listen to Comptown and support Nick Adam and stuff because... Totally. You know, they're local comedians. They're finally getting recognition that they deserve. Yeah, they're crushing it. Yeah, it's amazing. Yeah, like I think they make their money from the podcast, like Patreon and shit.

It's fucking great. But yeah, so yeah, listen to Comptown. But Adam's story is so it was his girlfriend wanted to get dj lessons from his best friend who turned out to be a he was a dj then turned out to be fucking yeah and now they're married and traveling the world together yeah adam says he was a plot twist in the greatest dj love story there's ever been that's amazing yeah he's got a bit where he's like their hearts beating at a perfect that's so good god bless you adam friedland yeah all right well uh let's wrap it up here with that yeah god bless you adam as we normally do let's end on an adam friedland story

here at the day bless adam friedland big, Bless, Adam Freeland. Big ups. Yeah, man. So what do you want to promote? I've got nothing to promote. He's got nothing. Specific Ignorance. Oh, yeah. Keep coming to Specific Ignorance.

New home, DC Draft House. Oh, that's the official spot? Official spot now, yeah. Beautiful. DC Draft House, probably going to be 8.30. Next month is going to be a great show. Two-year anniversary of the show. Decepticomics confirmed. Ooh. So that'd be a- You got Saromeyear anniversary of the show. Decepticomics confirmed. Ooh.

So that'll be a- You got Sarome. Sarome, Baker Bone, and Mike Brown. That's great, man. So yeah, that should be a good one. And then after that, it's going to be three guys. Another good crew. So we've got a couple of good ones coming up.

I would like to do it again. Yeah, you will. Okay. All right. We'll get you off without Umar. I'll get you on soon. You'll be on the one after Three Guys On. Nice.

When is it? Is it going to be the same date? Third Thursday of every month. DC Draft House. DC Draft House, 8.30. Do it. And they love giving out free shots there. The whole show is about free shots you can win free tickets to upcoming shows now

that's what we're doing now apparently no shots at all i mean i can't do it he's making a big deal out of it that's the show though yep hmm we'll see well let's see if there's a workaround anyway shout out to adam freeland one more time yeah you got away blessed adam freeland yeah always blessed uh yeah so it's in the musical um so yeah look up uh specific specific ignorance and uh your specific ignorance on instagram and uh englishman chris on twitter yeah and uh yeah thanks so much for being on the podcast always a pleasure, my brother. I had a great breakfast with you.

Check out the podcast. We're on Facebook. I'm on Twitter and Instagram, at Josh Kaderna. I have a bunch of shows coming up. Well, not too many, but I'll be in Delaware this Wednesday if anybody in Delaware listens. When are you going to Delaware? A show?

Yeah, it's a show. I'll be going to delaware uh um i was a show yeah it's a show right yeah no i'll be i'll be tax-free shopping come out to that i'll be in the bosom of the first state of the union baby look at me i'm in delaware anyway yeah if there's anybody that lives in delaware i'll be hanging out having dinner now i'm doing a show at lewinsky's on clinton uh this wednesday that is a fantastic name for a bar on that street yeah you get it you can't believe do you get it the that isn't more well known yeah well i'm trying to put it on the map it should be i'm trying yeah exactly and that's tax-free baby so get into it. How much of your set is going to be based on... Probably a lot.

90s cum references. That'll be the cum town. That'll be the throwback cum town for me. Shall I address the elephant in the room? Address anyone? We feeling blue about this? Are we okay? We're all right?

Infidelity. Cigar in a vagina. Why Trump won? Let's get into it. Lewinsky's, shall we? No, Jeremy Hall invited me down to do the show, and I was like, okay, sure, I'll do it. So I forget where in Delaware it is. But yeah, look it up.

Find me on the internet, and then come to the show. But yeah, look it up. Find me on the internet and then come to the show. And yeah, thanks, buddy. Thanks for being on the show. And we'll talk to you guys soon. David Koechner. Take us out. Dick Russian Sessions. Come on to an end. Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah