The Digression Sessions - Ep. 217 - Donnie Sengstack! (@donsengstack)

Episode Date: May 21, 2017

Hola Digheads, this week host and comedian Josh Kuderna and his roomie / tenant, / fellow comedian Umar Khan, chat with their buddy and comedian, Donnie Sengstack!   We're talking bigfoot, stutters, family bs, religion, and some other stuff!    Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, and Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on iTunes & Stitcher plz!

Hello, this is Nigel from the Tony Kornage Show, and you're listening to the Digression Session. Did I say that right? Do I get paid now? Can I leave? Oh, I've come back, ladies and gentlemen. So many people coming up. Are you okay? Oh. Well, no, he's graduated. Oh, yeah, yeah. What do you do?

What do I do? This is where I have my hosting duties yes donnie senstack local comic what do you do what do i do i have a guest you what i stutter that's your thing yeah that's my thing no i just did like a raw a raw spinoise podcast and like i i listened back to it and ross like had to basically introduce in the beginning like oh yeah donnie has a stutter by the way so just like keep a lookout for that i never like hey where you got a drinking game every time he stutters drink most of the audience was dead uh no I listened to it It wasn't bad Make sure you put the mic right at your lip It wasn't bad

But I just never thought to do it I just never thought to bring it up Because we were just kind of sitting there It's almost like you're just a human being And you're more than your stutter I guess Yeah I mean if you want to be a dick about it Yeah I was being nice.

No, he's being nice. It could have been sarcastic. I wasn't being sarcastic. I was being genuine. Well, you're tough. But yeah, I get what you were... He was making how people... You were more than just stutter. Yeah, they're the dicks. Jesus, Donnie.

Well, I guess that's all the time we have. You can have a disability and be an asshole. Not me. Didn't stutter on being an asshole to me. I don't stutter when I'm honest. It's like you look great. Yeah, man. So wait. So you're doing my goobies this weekend and you've got a hot little date look at you oh how'd you meet this date tinder how else anyone ever met anyone same way he usually does i haven't met anyone in person oh really it's hard dude you kill at shows just

hang out i it's so it feels so weird especially now now it feels weird to me like especially since i'm closing with like a pussy eating joke now that it's like it feels a little dirty like hey so yeah but that's not like your whole act yeah but it's the closer so like it's what they remember so it's fine i mean it's not too egregious though it's not like you're doing your whole act you're like all, let's cut the shit. You pull out a cigarette. I want to eat some pussy after the show. Yeah.

No, I think you should just hang out and let people come to you. You'll be surprised how many people will like women. Yeah. And just brown dudes. Now, Umar's revealing his tactics here. He's like, I've heard. I don't know. I'm a good boy. This is the way to do it, I believe.

Yeah. I'm like, well, it doesn't matter. I don't need to talk about it. Bad boy. Omar's like, yeah, how come you just don't meet women at Gin and Jokes like everybody else does? That's what I do. My favorite story was Isaac Hirsch, our friend, who's done Gin and Jokes. He's like a really scrawny.

Yeah, no. Well, I'm explaining to the people who are. This just goes on really long. Just unfortunate looking man. Super scrawny. Can't see. Hard enough gusto when he blows away. I swear to God.

He's like this really skinny, pale, like awkward white kid story of isaac is very funny uh isaac and stavros uh of comtown fame are sitting at the comics table at big hunt and we're all talking about hooking up or whatever and uh isaac is a i think he's a virgin. No. No. He's had sex. Oh, he's had sex, but. He's very bad at it. He's never. How do you know?

He tells me. I also know because just from conversations I've had with him, like, you don't know what you're doing, dude. He's like, no, I really don't. Real quick, just to interject, like, on that same tip. It was after Sidebar one night. He was doing a bit about how shower sex is so awkward. He's like, when you're growing up and you hit puberty, you're like, oh my God, sex in a shower would be so amazing.

And afterwards, I was like, oh, that's such a good bit because it's so true. It's usually just awkward. And then you kind of have to do it doggy style. It's just logistics. Logistics are weird. Yeah, the kind of have to do it doggy style. It's just logistics. Logistics are weird. Yeah, the noises when you're doing it doggy style. And he takes a beat and he goes,

so you're fucking her in the ass? And I'm like, no! No! No. That was awesome. And he was driving me around LA. And we were talking about women. And he was hooking up with this chick.

And this isn't like four years ago. Yeah is this past summer yeah he's in his 20s i think he's 24 years old um and uh he's like yeah you know i mean like the women they got like they got like the three holes like and i was like they do but the way he said it made it like it's like a bowling ball like there's like thethole, the pee hole, and then the vagina. That is so easy to put your dick in the pee hole. On a scale of one to three, what's your favorite hole? I got to go pee hole. Pee hole, dude.

Pee hole, dude. Pee hole. But he is hilarious. That said, he's very funny. Super funny and really nice. Love that dude. But let me just tell a story where I make fun of him. Sure.

That didn't stop me. Well, you know, I think he would be fine with this, right? We're at the comics table and Stav and I are talking. And we're just asking him questions. And we found out that he has never went down on a woman. We were like, why? You've had sex. He's like, I'm just waiting for the right one

yeah and then and then so i was like um have you uh received oral sex he's oh yeah plenty just like who is this dude who's just like just totally like all right well that was great i'm gonna go home now it's weird he's like a mobster in that way remember in the sopranos i don't know if you've seen it but there's a whole storyline that uh uh tony soprano's uncle eats pussy and they're like don't tell anybody i swear to fucking god really is that it's like look down upon like it's like like like episodes worth yeah or maybe it was just one or maybe two but it was that show come out in the late 90s no i think that was like early 2000s yeah maybe both i remember like the first season wasn't in hd i remember watching that in kindergarten yeah

but like uh of course you saw it yeah and you're like oh you're like uncle junior eats pussy what a homo wait how old are you 22 holy shit that's amazing dude crazy. Yeah. You're just killing it in comedy. That's awesome. 22. Yeah, he's doing great. I started when I was 18. Whoa. I'll hit four years next month. I think 18's a good age.

When people who start at like 16, it's kind of weird being at high tops. Yeah. There's a fucking 16-year-old there. Well, the problem is you're in bars all the time. Yeah. I mean, that's why I came up here to Baltimore so much because D.C. is so strict about it. They won't even let you in to perform if you're under 21.

God, that's crazy. Yeah, like, I mean, there is, like, someone who, like, started at 17 and his mom used to have to bring him to, like, every show. Yeah. Dudes talking about rape and cunt. And she's just sitting there. Oh, my God. show yeah dudes talking about rape and cunt and she's just sitting there oh my god so that uh that uh event i did the uh for the fire hall out in pasadena maryland where there are like seven

people thank you and uh uh sonny fuller local comic did it and he brings his son with him to to gigs and his kid well i think his kid's like 12 or 13 now. And Sonny is a very dirty kid. Right. So that's why it was so funny. So one of the firefighters goes, we can't have kids in here. Can't have kids. And I was like, well, it's his kid. It should be fine.

He's like, yeah, I mean, it's fine for him. But what if you guys are up there talking about all whatever you talk about? You got a kid in the audience. I'm like, it's Sonny Fuller's kid. Do you understand if other people are talking the kids better off like to audience members and ask if they like their butthole legs yeah exactly yeah sunny closed on a bit of like i like to be alone oh god what was the bit basically like being in a woman's room and like alone he's like i like to uh i like to sniff stuff what would you sniff sir they said like panties he's like wrong i go for the stuff. What would you sniff, sir? And they said, like, panties.

He's like, wrong. I go for the hamper because you smell the stuff with the crust on it. Mmm, the crust. And I went up after. I was like, thank God we didn't let his kid in, huh? So he couldn't hear what his dad is saying. Holy shit. I was just fucking with him.

I was like, do you think he says he sniffs the crust of panties on stage? And then the car, he's like, now, son, my favorite Bible verse is Luke Ford. Like, it's like, yeah. Is there any dude in the Bible named Luke Ford? There's a Luke in there? Oh, there's a Luke. I've never read the Bible. Oh, of course you haven't, you Muslim fucking.

The words written in red talk all about the panty crust. I've read the whole Quran front to back in Arabic. I don't know what it means. But apparently, every Muslim has to read the Quran in God's... Apparently Arabic is God's language, so you have to read it before you die in God's language. Oh, okay. That's God's language? That makes sense.

It just happens to be the language. Can you read Arabic? Not anymore. I could read it, but I didn't know what I was reading. So I was just taught how to like what the sounds are and what they are together. It was so stupid. I had like my parents, like I had to, I used to go to the mosque, the same one the dude from Serial went to.

I believe it. And we'd have to go read there. And then me and my brother complained so much because it was just like fucking, I don't know. I just hate it hanging out with those kids and those people. Yeah. That's, that's like, I feel like every religion just has that like boring mundaneness when you're a kid. These are boring tasks.

I still stand by that being like Islam is the most boring fucking... There's no cool holidays. We have no cool holidays. Right. We have Ramadan, right? Which is like you don't get to eat for a month from sunrise to sunset. But God loves that christian holiday besides christmas and there's christmas there's easter here we go exactly here we go he's like

jews have all fucked on yeah just change the subject yeah no hold on you guys got easter you got christmas you guys also that's still the same too, but you started with Easter? Yeah. Okay, let's break it down. You got Easter, Christmas, Flag Day. That's your shit. Y'all love flags. What else? You guys must have something. I mean, there's like Saints Days if you're Catholic, but I'm not Catholic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you guys get to do cool shit. Okay, you have two holidays. We have two holidays. Catholic Church is very boring. But Christmas is dope. You get presents. We don't get shit. That's two holidays. We have two holidays. Catholic church is very boring. But Christmas is dope. You get presents. We don't get shit.

That's the greatest. Sure. Sure. Christmas is great. Of course. But yeah, I didn't really grow up religious. I always ended up going to church of like a friend's house that I stayed at like on a Saturday.

I was like, I'm going to sleep over that. That sounds terrible. It was real bad. You're like a white trash kid. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. I'm wearing like a Pantera t-shirt.

Yeah, the hymns were all really boring. And nobody like, like you sing them, but it's just very monotone. Everybody's like, and the Lord said. But that's the difference. Like I went to one of those non-denominational new agey churches. That's like guitars and drums. And everyone's like, we love Jesus. And I was like, yeah. With fists in the air. It's like, it jesus i was like yeah with fists in the air

it's like it's weird sounds like you went to a super church i did i it looks like a car dealership it looks like a straight up how many people like do you go go to your church there's like three there's like three services a day and i think they get like the venue the venue holds probably like 500. Were your parents like hippies? No. My dad was like Southern Baptist. Whoa. So how did he end up going to that church? And my mom was not really religious.

Just because, I mean, we used to go to a Baptist church, and it got weird. I was little then and just remembered. I'm just killing people with starters. I just remember the cookies and juice. That's all I remember. Cookies and juice? Yeah, juice. Yeah, no, they would eat cookies and talk shit about juice.

It's what you do on Sunday. Hey, pass me that Oreo anyway. The bike was walking down the street. I wrote a song about it, actually. One, two, three, four. A whole crowd just rocking out. I bet those dudes do feel like, dude, I just crushed in front of 500 people. Oh, yeah.

Oh, absolutely. They have separate. There's worship leaders and different youth groups. Youth group was the biggest deal in my town. Really? Yeah. What do you mean it was a big deal? It's like, oh, well, what youth group do you go to was like the biggest question.

What's a youth group? Oh, you don't know about these? No. These are where like. Real Christy. Yeah. So this is like. Yeah.

I'll let Donnie go into it more because I was never in one, but I had a friend that was in one. And this was where it was like, it's like, well, wait a minute. No, you have tattoos, but you love God too? Oh, my. I didn't know you could be cool and love god tell me more yeah and there's like bonfires and s'mores in people's houses it's like a small town thing no no no no this is like how like the christian church tries to be like no jesus rad bro yeah yeah so like were you in one uh i went to meetings for him like oh my god i was like young life and like yeah young life that's what we had

young life sounds like a really shitty rap group no it's just a really shitty christian group it's probably rap eventually but it's not good i i also love that like christian groups are probably the first place where like most people like finger banged and gave like yeah hand jobs like like when you hear you know you know what else has a young life my beer yeah so like what did you guys you just take trips together you just like well they try and advertise this like it's not a christian thing at all but then like right like we're going camping like so they basically open it where it Right, like we're going camping. So they basically open it where it's like, yeah, we're going camping.

And we're just going to sing songs. And the first songs are like poppy. So you sing like... Yeah. Like back when I was... It was like, okay, we're going to sing some Taylor Swift songs. It's going to be cool. I like when I was young. Taylor Swift was so new to me.

No, well, this is when she was country. I know, I'm kidding. I should have specified. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is before 1987. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I'm kidding. I should have specified. This is before 1987. Yeah. Okay. I got it.

That hit album. Before she sold out to Target. Right. When she was making millions of dollars. This is before she got sober. Right. Yeah. She was a teen icon.

So what made you stop going? I never liked it. Donnie's like, pussy dried up. Couldn't go anymore. Basically, the well ran dry. That'd be great. You have a fetish for Christian virgins.

Donnie's like, I finger banged all of them, so it's time to move on, I reckon. I guess I'm Jewish now. Shalom. Holy shit. Don't spit down me. That would be terrible. So were your parents okay with you not going?

Or was it because it was just like a social thing? My parents were cool with it. Like they didn't make me go to church in high school. They would let me like sleep in. But then I like tried going once. And like the regular church had this like, oh, it's at night. And I always wanted to watch Sunday night football. Okay.

I went one night because I think the Ravens had a bye week or something or whatever. I was just like, ah, I'll go to this. It was basically like all the kids who I had gone to the young kids from elementary school

with. I just see Don school he's like i guess i'll go cut to him like clipping his fingernail no i showed up at this group and we were all like sitting in a circle like separated guys from girls and like that's like my parents parties to this day these like weren't the kids like i hadn't seen these kids since i was like in elementary school like go to like church during the day And your parents would drop you off on the daycare side And so now it's all about How far can you go

With the woman and have it still be okay In God's eyes This is like a church leader Oh what was the This is a huge leap The answer was Anal sex for sure God don't care about no back door.

The butthole is God's condom. That's right. This is blind spot. My friend's brother used to live in Salt Lake City with all the Mormons. They called anal sex the poop hole loophole. Yes. Isn't that the best? Awesome.

Fantastic. What if God was up there and he's like, the pooh-pooh-looh-pooh. Wishes and commandments weren't written in stone. I blew it. I should have waited for iPads. What was I thinking? What if God couldn't foresee that we would put our dick in any hole?

He has infinite wisdom. And it's just like, I'm in a butthole. One of the three holes. One of the three holes, you know. One of the three. Wait, aren't there four at this point? Four holes? Well, yeah, I'm talking genitalia holes. Word, word, word.

I like the way you think though. How many podcasts can I record where I get fired? God, they just play that for you. Let me just play some audio where you said, how many holes are we up to? Count it out, Omar. If you're playing along at home,

we have a dally chart. If you find your fifth hole, you get a six hole free. We'll make one. Go for it. Ears? We're freaks. No, I used to have to. So we stopped going to the mosque.

And most kids finish reading the Quran by the time they're seven. But since me and my brother were like, this is gay. We don't want to do this. My parents are like, all right, whatever. But then every now and then, my parents would feel guilty. And they're like, we're gonna go to hell. Because like apparently if they don't do their job of making sure we read the Quran

and they teach us the teachings, which like my parents have never, they've read it in Arabic, but they don't know everything that's in there. They just fucking go off of like what other people say. Right, right. There is some, yeah, like so then they hired this dude, they're called Mulvies, yeah, like, so then they hired this dude.

They're called Mulvies. They're like our priest. And he would come and read it with us at our house. And it was just like, he was really nice, but he was really weird. He talked to us about, excuse me, about like sex and stuff. Yeah. Wait, what was his answer? Because I never got to my father's.

Oh, nothing. You can't even kiss women before marriage. Well, so. Oh, yeah. What was their answer? We never got it. Basically, the guy's like, have you heard of the poopo loopo? Oh, God.

Fucking Bilal is telling me about the poopo loopo. Basically, our guy's answer was like, if you have to ask God how far it is, you've gone too far. It was just like, what? What if you just don't have a... It's like personal boundary thing. I don't know. Also, as a kid, it's like there's so many... You'd be like, okay, so kissing is too far?

I don't know. That's why I'm asking you. That's really stupid. But they didn't just want to say it? Yeah. That's really stupid But they didn't just want to say it Yeah I think it's like You don't put the responsibility On you as being like You shouldn't have sex

Or touch people Right Or a 17 year old I guess it can't be like The cool young life guy said I could jerk off On her tits and that's fine They can't tell you. I'm going to go to his youth group now.

It's cool. That is a pretty cool life guy. He's like, dude, just come on the tits. Anyway, I wrote a song about it. One, two, three. He's like, hell yeah. Woo! Holy shit.

Camp was weird. He used to come to our house and then uh yeah he talked to us about um he started i was about like he's like you know when you get older you're gonna you know you're gonna want to think about girls i'm gonna have uh what he called them what did he call it he didn't call them what because what dreams what is it like the standard is that the saying yeah that's what everyone calls it. Oh, I think he was just saying like how, yeah,

that you're going to ejaculate in your sleep and if you do, like you need to shower right away. I was like, bitch, I'm going to eat a sandwich.

I don't know, it's just like, dude. It's so funny that like he felt like he had no, like my parents just hired him

to teach us about like how to read the Quran and not like talk to us about nocturnal. Right, right, yeah. So weird. It's like, it's the come whole loophole is what they call it you're allowed to come if you're not awake because this whole time i'm an atheist and i have to pretend

like i care right right it was so stupid i hate it i fucking it's it's the dumbest shit in the world when at what age did you decide you're an atheist or like did you like holy shit like so young yeah middle school i think maybe before i just remember always like questioning like this is real yeah yeah i used to because we used oh here hold that mic a little higher we used to go to the mosque uh every day after school and this dude um i mean this is fucked up but his dad looks just like osama bin laden like and he owned a 7-eleven and this dude fucking hated america just changes like one letter and i'm not gonna lie i i swear to god this dude had a camouflage check i'm'm not kidding. He fucking had a camouflage check.

He hated America. He fucking shit on Americans. And all our friends were white American kids. And he told us how they're all going to go to hell. And they're bad people. And then I started thinking, this guy who's super... I was like, you know what? No, my friends are good people.

This guy's a fucking asshole. That's kind of what did it for me, too. Because I was friends with a really religious kid and uh i worked with him and so i would just we were making pizzas so i think i think he was topping and i was rolling them out so i would just kind of pepper him with questions and it's like so you have to be saved to go to heaven he's like yeah i'm like well what about buddhists they're not saved he's like well i guess they're going to hell i'm like well they're not bad people. Honestly, those are probably some of the best people walking the earth, but they're going to go to hell? He's like, well, yeah.

I'm like, that's dumb. Yeah. What? So that guy, we would get rides with him because he had a son my age and we were in the same grade. We eventually stopped seeing them and then my mom would bring him up every now and then and say like, hey, do you know Haris?

He is, there's something, I forgot what they're called, but it's like they're held in really high esteem in islam like they're people who memorize the quran like word for word just fucking nerds yeah it's gonna say they're called nerds it's the most holy nerd even isis beats them up and calls him fat. They release a video of that. Yeah, but apparently he was in some Islamic country. My mom was like, isn't that great? I was like, mom, I just fucking touched a vagina. No, that sounds terrible.

I think my life is going well. You have a cooler son. You tell your friends that your son is about to fuck. A touch to vagina. That's pretty good. Can't wait to get home and tell mom this one. Not bad. I just feel bad because those kids I knew so many of those kids

you miss out on so much of life dude. There's so much cool shit that you don't get to do. Most of it is stuff your parents don't, like drugs and sex and all that shit. It is kind of a low-key child abuse. You know what I mean? I totally think very...

I think it is. I think it is absolutely child abuse. The thing about hell is everyone's really scared of hell as a kid. That's the most terrifying part of it. Adults who are scared of hell, it's like everyone's really scared of hell as a kid. Yeah. That's the most terrifying part of it. Yeah. You know?

Yeah, adults who are scared of hell, it's like, oh, God, you are such a fucking, oh. Yeah, and the devil. Yeah. I should definitely introduce that to you later. They should just be like, hey, kids, just be cool. But that's why they don't be. Well, that's the thing. Like, you have to indoctrinate people. Yeah.

It's just a silly thing to say that you hey this is like uh my kid he's a christian it's like just like a kid identifying himself as a republican or democrat or like a fan of a certain football team it's like no your dad likes them do they know about anything yeah it's so dumb well no it's basically the same principle as like santa claus but on like a way bigger scale if you're bad you'll get coal if you're good you'll get presents it's like basically just that for your whole life and like way bigger stakes i remember my uh my best friend in kindergarten literally physically attacked me because you know i never believed in santa claus and i told him it's not real and he was like

that's not true you take it back and i was, dude, my mom told me this shit is bullshit. That is the one thing your mom was probably like super pumped about, like Islam. She's like, Santa's not real. That's why we don't do it. You don't learn better than your friends. That's why we don't do Christmas. It's just bullshit. Tell your friends, dog.

Tell them I said it. Tell them Mama Khan said that shit. Tell them to see Mama Khan. All mama all right bitch that shit ain't real and then my friend's mom came up to me he's like look just because you don't believe it doesn't mean other people don't so you know just don't talk about it i'm like okay and then my one friend his mom his parents uh you know pretty quick uh big coincidence uh every uh year around christmas their downstairs bathroom would be broken, and they'd have to lock, keep the bathroom door locked.

They'd have to lose a whole bathroom. So we unlocked it one time because it's super easy, and that's where they keep it all. The dad's just jerking off in there. He's like, get out, get out, get out. Get out. This is my room. Santa Claus is coming, baby.

All right, folks. It's not getting much better than that. That's pretty good. Yeah, and we just found all the presents that are labeled from Santa. Wow, in your bathroom. I'll just fill it with cum. And at this point, I think we're like...

Cum or coal. That's all you're getting. At what point do parents just tell you that shit's not real? I think elementary school. Early elementary school. First or second grade. Yeah, because then other kids figure it out

and then I think it bleeds out. And it's like, oh wait, you're cussing too? A lot of stuff just comes out. What a cool world little Christian kids live in where they fucking believe this magical dude. It's great for like six years and it's crushing. Yeah, I was going to say. It's pretty sad because it messes up your worldview because then you're like oh what else is a lie that's that's yeah exactly because like the easter

bunny you find out first because like that's bull like it's like way less believable than santa i don't know why the tail behind the easter bunny no i no idea but it's just like it just brings comes to your house and hides eggs eggs or baskets so gay yeah or dumb sorry he's so dumb either or either definitely not definitely not i used to edit all the time i don't edit anything anymore unless it's like really bad What's the worst thing you've edited? Well Yeah exactly

Just leaving it in Did you guys have the tooth fairy? No I didn't believe We didn't get any of that shit I was just wondering The tooth fairy is a member of the Westboro Baptist Church Yeah

Say that again? The tooth fairy is a member of the Westboro Baptist Church For real? Who said that? Yeah He was like I'll collect your teeth not if you're a faggot though yeah what did she put in her picket sign mom it happened again uh now magical especially he was talking about uh the tooth fairy and how like how weird it is like there's like

we tell our kids that there's like a magical being that comes and collects your teeth what the fuck does she do with them exactly it's like i remember that she gives you money for him she's like thank you for the teeth he kept his teeth and then made a necklace out of them what is he in fucking vietnam what the fuck Is he in prison now for murder? Yeah. No, I think he's in a punk band or something. Oh, okay. Real bad. Isn't that crazy?

I didn't do shit with my teeth. Teeth are bad. I didn't get anything cool. No, my parents were pretty cool. We complained one year. We were like, hey, all our friends get presents. So for Ramadan, we got presents. She's like, I'll trade you your teeth for some gifts. How about that?

We'll just marry the two together. It must be just such a bummer for my parents. I think they're like, literally every time we hang out, religion will come up. And I just shit on it. And then they're like, you'll learn one day or you'll learn in hell. My dad will literally say that. Wow. What are you gonna do dad's

up there just fucking all the virgins yeah my dad well hey is that right wait does every i don't even know just do they all get i was gonna ask you you're definitely the authority on this here no i'm no well isn't that okay but most of these people are i think you only get virgins if you die a virgin or if you die for god or something yeah like is that why terrorists get it because it's like it's just a terrorist thing but it might i don't know i don't know if you talk to like a moderate muslim say it's not true it has to be for terrorism otherwise it'd be like i'm just gonna die of natural causes and i'll still get 72 like how can they convince you to fucking put on in the quran hey if you commit a terrorist act yeah exactly death to the infidel no i don't know if you ask my dad he'll say that's bullshit but then it's like dad you didn't even read the fucking thing so yeah and then my dad was like well why don't you just study it and you'll see it's like

why don't you study other fucking religions and realize they're all bullshit that's great because he's like i got him why don't you read the Quran? Islam has predicted things that are happening. It's like, no it didn't. What did it predict? Nothing. Everything like how they... He said that Islam said that the world is round instead of flat, but the Greeks have said that

for so long. They've said that for centuries. For so long and when Muhammad and his people, they would go into other countries and they went on the crusades and take them over. They kept a lot of the teachings of the Greek and translated them into Arabic. Why did this just turn into

a history lesson? That's not bad. I didn't know that. I like the cum stuff better. This is so good. I'm so intrigued. That's what they said when they were in Greece. I they're like i don't know i guess we'll keep this the world is round shit yeah they're reading aristotle like yeah i like when socrates like jizzed on the whatever apparently there are orgies but yeah the world orgies the better

fucks uh like the higher class greeks had little boys socrates fucked a lot of kids is that true yes how do you know that an aristotle i mean i i took some like socrates might not even be real let's be honest socrates was his young wife teacher so he knows yeah well i think is that true i'm not sure because it's i mean somebody like like i wasn't there i wasn't there. I wasn't there, but like... Yeah, I don't know. They think he's not real? Yeah.

I don't know. Some people say that Socrates, yeah, wasn't a real person. It was a character that Plato made up. It was like Socrates, Aristotle, Plato were all people, probably. I don't know. There's no way to know. Jesus isn't fucking real. It might have been a real person.

Do they all agree that Muhammad was a person, though? Yeah. Like a historical figure. Whoa. What are you trying to say? I'd say, like, is he... I don't know. Because the same way you just said, like, Jesus, there's no, like, actual...

Yeah, I think, like, yeah, Muhammad, I think there is more evidence to say that he was a real person that actually, like, went and, like... Yeah. Took over countries. But I don't know if he's... He took over countries? Well i don't know he took over countries well well yeah that's how religion is from warfare is like you would go to another country like hey this is what we believe in like oh that's cool we got our own thing it's like oh cool we're just gonna rape everyone until you believe what we believe that's how religion spread okay that's in the quran yeah i'm gonna read it then this is like some game of thrones

that's literally how religion used to spread. Oh, sure, sure, sure. But I didn't know like... But it's typically that's how religion spreads, but not normally the prophet didn't do that though. You know what I mean? No, Muhammad was like a Christian. That's what I learned in history.

Okay, I have no idea. In college, that's what I learned in history. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Yeah. Okay. What were you going to say, Donnie? Well, he like made that pilgrimage from like Medina to Mecca in like 622 and did a bunch of shit right yeah you just sound so dumb do we well we don't know what the fuck we're talking no i do i i'm i'm

this is you can google this shit i'm right okay but i mean like primarily we don't know what the fuck we're talking about i don't know the us are not. I don't know the details. Everyone wants. But I'm pretty sure that Muhammad, I don't know if you've raped. Oh, my God. Wow. Oh, man. I hope, like, this doesn't get out.

It's just like, digression sessions. Muhammad rapes. You can't even depict him. This might be one of the things you might have to edit. Oh, my. Dude, the shit. That's, like, what's amazing about Comptown is, like like they just, it's unbelievable that they haven't been killed yet. Nothing has hit the editing room floor on that podcast.

They've never edited anything. And they'll say the most insane. I love the freedom they have. If I didn't do what I did for a living, I would talk just like that on a podcast. Well, hey, let's just try it out. Go ahead. Everybody just shout the... I have a stutter. I can't say that.

Yeah, you can. You can say it more. You're a person with a disability. Yeah, I guess you're right. Sorry, I'm kidding. Or less because of my disability. No, I actually haven't been stuttering that much this whole time.

It's pretty good. Yeah. Are you going to, now that you're thinking about it? Probably, yeah. In your head about it? This is for the both of you. Okay. What that you're thinking about it? Probably, yeah. This is for the both of you. Okay. What do you mean? I want to give you this present.

Oh, what a gift. I think this is my first time on Digression Station. Yeah, I know. Did you see a speech pathologist? Yeah. So you were in special education? That doesn't mean you're dumb. But you can't see a speech pathologist in the school setting without being in special education. In't mean you're done no but you can't see a speech pathologist in the school setting without being in special education in montgomery county public schools

you can you had an iep i was also in gifted and talented so that's considered special education the gt program yeah oh so it's a special education there's a spectrum so you can be special because you can be because that is still considered. Like really special. Yeah, that's considered different than the norm, right? I guess so. So that falls into special education. I don't know. Hey, either way, he's gifted and talented. Bitch, this is my job.

I think it does. I was from fourth and fifth grade. I didn't get into the sixth grade program. It doesn't mean you're stupid. A lot of kids need. You can have like an articulation problem and be super smart. It doesn't mean you're stupid. That's a misnomer about special education. Like you can have ADHD and be in there's no it doesn't mean you're stupid that's a misnomer about special education like you can have adhd and be a special education

it doesn't mean you're stupid well well basically you're retarded what hey listen to him this is his job oh i'll go ahead and put that on the for the podcast. Yeah. Josh fucking called you back on stage. How many holes do you have, retards? Two people. Do you remember that? Yes. Yeah, that was so fun. That's always my favorite story. I tell that story today to the women I work with.

Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. Real quick for the dig heads out there. I was closing out a show at Riley's. Were you on it too, Umar? Yeah. We were all on it. Of course, you guys all did well and then i go up and i was like hey give it up for

your host give it up for all the other comics you saw really funny umar was great god everybody was so good donnie was pretty good not bad for a retard and uh and everybody like laughed but they're like wait that's not nice and then like you were laughing so it's like it's okay it's all right it's like plus he doesn't understand he's retarded no no the best way to do it is to double down yeah people people like a lot of the times like a host will like try and make a joke about it and everyone usually tightens up like real hard yeah that's the worst though never make jokes about when they're bringing someone up they They shouldn't make a joke. I did it after. I don't know. Like I'm saying,

after the set. After the set, a host will usually try and make a joke about it. Every time it happens, 90% it's just real tight. Last time I made a joke about it, killed. No, that was really good. But that was just like a true story. Yeah, that actually happened to me and Donnie.

You invited me up to say and Donnie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not all you, I mean. You invited me up to say it, and I was like, I think they're going to tighten up for the same thing that you were saying. But the thing is, that was something I said, not something like you just made a quip about, like an additional joke about stuttering. Yeah.

You were pointing out what I had said in the past. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. And yeah, because you can tell we're friendly and stuff. It's like I was doing a show. It was like, I thought I was going to eat a dick because no one was listening.

Real quick, let's tell that story though because the audience doesn't know. So Donnie, he did my show Jen and Jokes for Thursday,

Joe Squared. In Baltimore. I mean, he annihilated. Oh, yeah. It was... 10 minutes solid. 10 minutes unbelievable. unbelievable like you fucking

destroyed and uh i was uh i'm liking this part and i'm stuttering again great great dude we're back to i get uncomfortable yeah right right no no it gives you a compliment yeah oh god i just imagine you during sex like Girls dirty talking like Oh you're so big And you're like You like this See that's why I like going down

Because I don't have to speak That's a fucking good Little tag You should say that Do it tonight Yeah so Johnny Good little tag. A little tag to the other. Yeah. You should say that on stage. Do it tonight. Yeah. So Johnny annihilated.

And I'm like, Josh and I are just admiring his comedy. Oh, yeah. We're jerking off. I want to tell that story. And I think Donnie said to you, you want to come up and tell it with me? And he was like, eh. And I was like, all right, I'll tell it. So I go up and I'm like, guys, get it for Donnie.

Everyone loved it. And they applauded. And I was like was like and i said my favorite story about donnie is like we're all hanging out watching like tv so yeah it was me and donnie yeah yeah go ahead yeah it was uh it was me and donnie because donnie you had a um internship at 98 rock and so when i would telework i was like right near 98 rock at the time so you would come over when you were done and uh we'd primarily just watch tv and play grand theft auto and uh i think i was working and like the tv was just on and there was a commercial for people with lisps and it was like how to correct your list and uh you're like god correct just fucking fix i've what the fuck yeah no i i think what happened is like just something was on the background and and like the person like who was the spokesperson for whatever product had a lisp yeah oh no i thought it was like to correct your lisp or something like that it was like it was like ads for that but it was like an infomercial of like sessions or like ways to like deal with

it or something it doesn't really matter. The fact that you're telling somebody shit on people with lisp. With a speech impediment to get that shit. Yeah, they're just a beat. Beyond funny. And I was like, wait, is there a guy in my house with a stutter that's shitting on people with lisp? Well, you know, it's funny because Donnie

is kind of right. You can fix a lisp, but you cannot fix a stutter. You can teach people how cannot fix a stutter you can teach people how to like speech therapy is to teach people how to how to stutter better yeah and that's that's what i've dude that should be your album title stutter better stutter better stutter maybe no i'm kidding but that well yeah but but then that would also be like a dig at that kid who won america's got talent or got second america's Got Talent. I don't even know who that is. What happened? A kid named Jerk. Oh, yeah. You hate that kid.

Jerk off face. Is he a comic? You hate him. No, no. He's like a median from Los Angeles. And he did America's Got Talent and got second. So he's a comic. Yeah, yeah. Didn't I just ask if he's a comic? I was saying another thing

and I stuttered, but then I was trying to finish the words. Yeah. Wait, so a comic got second and a maker's got talent? Yes. Damn, that sucks. That means you don't have another chance for at least 15 years. No. Basically the last.

Otherwise, he's never going to make it. You're fucked now, bro. I mean, I'm never going to make it until Aziz and Kumail die. Fingers crossed, man. That's what I'm waiting for. Yeah. Who are you waiting for to die? Every other white guy.

Every white guy. All of them. Yeah. Every just kind of like average white guy. Even like white guys who are like headlining clubs that nobody knows about. Totally. Totally. You know, everyone dies, so I have a shot.

Yeah. Thank you. Woo! There's like going to be this point when Josh is like 86 that he's just like the Totally. Totally. You know, everyone dies, so I have a shot. Yeah, fake. Woo! There's going to be this point when Josh is like 86 that he's just like the biggest comic in the world. Yeah, still has my floppy haircut. From comedy club to comedy club, putting like fucking diseases on microphones. Yeah. Like a small box of fucking microphones. That's awesome.

He's like, man, Bo Burnham dead? Wow. I'm not on his level, but he's the only guy I can think about that's aesthetically the same. Who has a similar haircut? Yeah, exactly. That's what I was trying to think. Well, I'm going to get a haircut tomorrow, guys.

I'm going to go to Ken Island. I carry a picture of Bo Burnham in my wallet. Do you for real? No, no. Josh does when he goes to the haircut. One of my friends has a picture. I say, give me his haircut.

And they go, that's Rachel Maddow. I go, I know. And then Trump's tag falls out of your wallet. Oh, no. Dude, remember how much they teased that shit and it turned into nothing? What a fucking bummer that was.

Fuck it. It was so... I got this tax return. If it's something, just say it, dick. Yeah, she kept just like pausing to... And then did she find anything? No, in fact, it made it worse because I think the Trump...

Made him look good? Yeah, it's like, oh, he made a shit ton of money and he paid like $30 million in taxes or something. You know what I mean? It's like, oh, good. Like there was no like he got money from Russia or like – It's like you guys looked at it before you did your show. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you're reading it on air. It's not like you just opened it on the show. Right, and I don't mind them doing it on air, but don't fucking tease it like you have this bombshell. They tease it for almost a half, like the whole show, right? Yeah, yeah. They basically definitely watched a lot of those monster shows on the History Channel. That's exactly what it felt like.

Really? Oh, my God, we might find Bigfoot after this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the exact same thing with like political. It ends up just being a black guy walking through the woods Kill it Look at the size of his hands It's more disgusting than we thought

Oh my god You guys probably edited that out That was a character We're doing characters My character's name is Josh Kuderna. He's a racist. That was Bosh Kuderna. Bosh Kuderna.

It was a character. Come on, guys. Let's do improv. We're going to do characters called Racist Guy. You guys ever work on that? Oh, my God. Good times. But yeah, I am going to drive to Ken Allen tomorrow to get my haircut.

Josh drives 45 minutes to get his haircut by a friend. And we have one of the best barber shops in the city. Literally. Country city. Dude, fuck that place. I went there once and she butchered me. We won't say the name of the place. We can. No, I love that place. Okay, well, fuck that place. I went there once and she butchered me. We won't say the name of the place. We can.

I don't care. No, I love that place. Okay, well, you love it. But yeah, I went once and she just wrecked me. Mixed reviews. Yeah, but then I really stuck it to her when I tipped her five bucks as well. Oh, I give them 10. I'm such a pussy.

I'm just like, oh, thank you. Oh, I'm the biggest piece of shit when it comes to like, you know how like after they'll cut your hair, like, how's it look? And in my head, I'm like, oh, it's kind of long. And then but out loud, I'm like, perfect. Totally. Before they even finish the sentence. I love it. Yeah.

But they don't give it because I even talk to someone about it. I was like, they're like, no, dude, we'd much rather have you leave feeling good. Well, with me, my hair is pretty long and I just wanted it shorter. Like it was like below my eyes. And so I even showed her a picture. I was like, can you give me this? And then like I, and then she's like, okay, so just like right at the eyebrow. I was like, yeah, like, can you just cut it right at the eyebrow?

And then she just went like top of my forehead and cut it all off. And then from there i was fucked so their standard haircut is like a neo-nazi alt-right right yeah yeah yeah aggressive hipster bullshit cuts yeah why but i get like a very basic yeah you have very short hair too you do get good haircuts there i will say you you look good but my friend who cuts my hair she is a professional it's not like oh oh, okay. Yeah. Literally just went. No, I agree. Are they? Could you just have your ex

girlfriend do it, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Who's free? I was barely had to travel. Who makes enough money to buy a really nice house in expensive neighborhood? It's free. Yeah. Well, you got to pinch your pennies. That's how you buy a house. My hair is just down to my knees.

That's how I did it. But no, she's a professional. I went to school and she's at a salon and stuff. And actually, my last haircut was free. When I had long hair in high school, I used to go to a salon and pay a lot of money. This is like 20 bucks or something. That's the thing.

In school, when I was growing up, I'd always go from buzz cut to just as long as my shoulders. I got a weird looking head. I can't do the buzz cut. I shouldn't have done a buzz cut. You guys are never going to go bald. You will die with hair.

My dad's like 60 and he's not even showing signs of balding or graying. I'm going to be bald in like four years like that sucks yeah that's a bummer i think my biological dad still has hair i don't know i don't know i don't talk to him you should get in touch i just stare out the window yeah yeah i don't talk oh man his hair is long Josh is shedding a single tear right now. He had long hair, but our relationship was pretty short. Talk to your half-brother. Now and again, yeah.

Not as much. But yeah, dude, I tried. I would love to. But yeah, my biological dad put the kibosh on us hanging out. Because I think he was afraid that like i would tell my half brother and be like well this is what your dad did to me it's like dude i wouldn't is your dad do you think he's like a change like sober no no no no without getting into it too much from what i've heard he's pretty much the same like he never married uh my half brother's

mom that's fine too but like they also don't talk they're not on good terms either so like little bits that i've gleaned divorced not divorced they were never anything oh so it's just that dude has a single he's being raised by a single mom yes and like he's and then so like my dad is in his life but it's like i don't think they ever like lived in the same household i don't really know but maybe they did just for like a little bit but so it's pretty like fractured there and well this so this is what i told jordan um was that like dude i would love to hang out and i think he's like what would upset my dad and i think he sees his dad on the weekends and i think he's a smart kid so he's like yeah shit's already weird i don't want to make it more weird you know

yeah but yeah he's to be like 18 soon. So it just sucks to lose all that time. But it's like, you know. You can take him cigarettes. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Or he can buy you cigarettes then. Oh, that would be great.

Yeah. Yeah, when he was 13, he had braces. And I was like, yeah, bro, me too. I got them right. Hell yeah, dude. That's so crazy that he found you on instagram like yeah weird world like did he look to specifically look for you yeah yeah yeah because i'm guessing i don't know he probably asked his parents if like they have other kids kid right yeah yeah

so he probably asked and i guess they told him and i think instagram was like the only social media he could have at the time. So, yeah, that's how he found me. Damn, dude. Yeah. What kind of shit does he post? Some pretty good stuff. And like chicks love him.

Really? Yeah. So like a thing that like young kids do, which I only know from his profile. And not the like little girls. Here's what the kids are doing. They love this thing called Snapchat. yes uh he would post this thing he hasn't done in a while but he would post a thing that said um it would say like god what was it was like tbh or something like that so honest yeah so it was like you could rate like

have like people comment rate you on stuff and i'm like god that's brutal do that yeah and they're like 14 and like jesus but all the all the comments were like like his bros were like 10 out of 10 you're cool dude and then like girls would be like i don't know you but you're in my home room we should hang out like yeah dude homeroom chicks yeah what like like homeroom chicks that's the name of the podcast that's the title episode is homeroom chicks homeroom chicks that's Donnie's fucking sitcom that's the name of the podcast that's the title episode

is homeroom chicks when you're in homeroom our last names are already close enough right oh yeah so so like

like your last name already starts with S right might as well fuck might as well might as well get married that's Donnie's opening line oh so you're in

your last name too for the listener at home Donnie also tipped his beer like, huh? God damn, that's so funny, dude. Homeroom chicks? Dude. They put out. Yeah, no.

We got a bomb. You get to stand next to them at graduation and like whenever you're in alphabetical order. Yeah, any class photo. Obviously, it's an automatic icebreaker homeroom is a good time too because there's no real focus and like everybody's kind of loosey-goosey late yeah exactly yep yeah i remember being a sixth grader in homeroom uh-huh like i'm gonna fuck all these chicks and dudes and dudes hey. Our last name is pretty close. Close enough.

You know what I mean? Con. I don't know what a white K last name is. Caleb. Caleb. Your name's not. He's sitting right across from you. Jesus Christ.

Also, then I say Caleb. Sitting right across. I say Caleb. Well, no coincidence that Josh and I are roomies. Right. Slash my landlord. Thank you. Also, coincidence spelled with a K I are roomies. All right. Slash my landlord. Correct.

Thank you. Also, coincidence spelled with a K. No, it's a C, Jack. No, no, no. I know a kid. Caleb coincidence. Him and I fucked. Did you really think coincidence was with a K?

No. Okay. No. Sorry. I'm going to break that fourth wall. What am I fucking Donnie? What the fuck? He's a real Donnie. What am I fucking Donnie? What the fuck? He's a real Donnie. He's a real Donnie.

Jesus Christ. Donnie, what time do you have to get out of here, buddy? I'm good. Okay. Well, don't you have a date tonight? I'm good to hang. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, where's your date?

It's supposed to be at... Where is she? Also, how old is she? 23. Oh, older. Wow. What does she do? Can we look at her she? 23. Oh, older. Wow. What does she do?

Can we look at her profile? Careful. She's going to be dead soon. I won't say her name. Let me just look through her profile and we'll read out loud her description. Instagram or? No, where you guys met on Tinder, right? Did you guys meet on Instagram? Donnie's like, you're in my home.

How young are you, Donnie? He's a substitute teacher. Yeah, that's my homeroom. You actually don't get last names on Dane. No, I know. I won't say her name. I just want to read her profile, look at her pictures. Old Dane and Donnie over here making moves, baby.

You never want to bring them to the Thursday night comedy show. You don't want to bring them to any comedy show. Saturday night. Holy shit. Look at this. Huh? Okay. Alright, guys. Alright. Which one is she? The right? Alright. Ravens fan.

For the listeners at home, she was born in the late 90s. 23. Went to Towson. She's five miles away. There's a picture of her holding up a bottle of, what is that? Looks like Captain Morgan, Omar. Captain Morgan. We're like the oldest guy.

You literally looked over your glasses. You did the old man move. What do we got here? What are the kids drinking? Looks like some type of alcohol. So she's a captain. That's very impressive. Okay, she likes to pretend like she's a nerd.

Those are always fun. Alright, so this is her description. You guys have three friends in common, but her description is Nice. Also, I like that their two shared interests are Baltimore Orioles and the movie Elf.

Wow. Holy shit. God. What is that conversation going to be like? Hey, good to see you. Elf, huh? I mean, have you seen Elf? Pretty good.

Hey, Will Ferrell peaked. It's the worst Will Ferrell movie, but as a Christmas movie. It's like the best Christmas movie, but the worst Will Ferrell movie. You know, Elf is- Johnny finger bangs so many chicks in his youth group to Elf in the background. Yeah, he's like, man, Elf, real- Elf is about- Jesus.

Elf is a real home run of a movie, which brings me to my next topic, the Orioles. Our other shared interest. The home run is Chris Davis. Pretty good. I have an Elf here, right? Manny Machado. This chick sounds like a party chick. All right, so she's got that bottle of Captain Morgan's,

a lot of hands on hips. Captain Morgan's? Yeah, Captain Morgan. How's it go? Just Morgan. Oh, Captain Morgan. Are you not familiar with the captain? Dude, whatever.

I'm a Sailor Jerry man.erry man sure yeah those are always cool yeah this is her description uh i believe that life gives you lemons i believe that if life gives you lemons you should make lemonade dot dot dot oh she's into piss that's what it sounds like. Water sports. You better drink up. Drink some water. Dot, dot, dot. And try to find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party. Followed by emoji face with sunglasses. It's kind of a real intellectual conversation. Nobody ever has a good bio, though. That's the thing about that.

I had a pretty good bio. Can we read your conversation? But here's the thing. I always open with the same line on Tinder. What's better, pie or cake? Every time. Ooh, what do you like? Conversation.

Pie. Hell yeah, pie's the best. Yeah, it's not even a question. Okay. And then the chick's like, what's your favorite pie? Donnie's like, poom. Every time. I wouldn't mind a slice of that.

Three lines. It's like the three-move checkmate in chess. Remember when The Rock... Did you ever watch wrestling? No. You were also too young. He's too young for the Attitude Era. Do you remember when The Rock would talk about poontang pie?

I thought it was a real pie. I did too. I literally asked my mom about it. talk about poontang pie yeah i thought it was a real pie i did too and i didn't know what it because yeah i'm like this wait i literally asked my mom about somebody like what is poontang pie tastes like oh man we're so stupid i remember do they talk about like fucking and wrestling dude wrestling all the time not anymore because now it's very kid friendly when we're young there was just some dude named mr ass like that was yeah oh and val venus his whole thing was that he was like a porn star yeah like it was really and then women they would do

strip tease matches where women rip each other's clothes off oh yeah like completely yeah when sable and they would do like swimsuit battles remember when sable did her thing against that one chick and sable just had the hands on her tits. Dude, and I thought she was the hottest chick and you look back, she's like super gross. Yeah, like her boobs are like super fake. Beach blonde. Yeah. But that was like in the 90s. That was like Baywatch, right? Yeah, you're like, oh my god, she's the hottest chick

in the world. Yeah, I was friends with a kid that his parents would pay for every pay-per-view and that was on a pay-per-view and he had it on tape and I was like, come borrow this. Dude, he never got that tape back. We used to go over a dude's house. He was really cool. His name is Mr. Mark, but he didn't have any kids, but he stole cable

and he was a huge wrestling fan. All my friends would just go watch WrestleMania at his house. Mr. Mark is also a red dot on a pedophile map as well. How do we get to your house? Oh, go to this website.

I'm the red dot. He also coached Little League. Nah, he was just legitimately like a super awesome dude. And yeah, we would just watch. That's how they all are. That's how they all are. Yeah, wow.

Omar's a little too close to this. He had the best snacks. No, seriously, he was a great dude. Him and his wife just couldn't have kids and a little too close to this. He had the best snacks? No, seriously. He was a great dude. Him and his wife just couldn't have kids, and they didn't want to adopt. Oh, he had a wife. Okay, yeah. He definitely didn't say that.

I missed that part. The sweetest. They're like the sweetest people. Looking back on it, it's not a good book. No. Especially if it was just, I'm Mr. Mark, and I have cable. That's bad. Oh, not only do i have cable but

i steal cable as an adult without children i used to go over his house and watch it but then also dude that's not even the striptease isn't even the craziest parts of that era like they uh um two people had literally like had sex on state. Like they faked fucking, but like she took her clothes off. It was, who, like, why did stuff like that even happen?

And then there was another thing. For viewers, for like 12 year old boys be like, oh my God. I forgot who, but Triple H, uh, uh,

fucked someone's dead wife. Yeah. Milner. We might've talked. Yeah. Yeah. Like we talked about about it but we didn't release that episode oh right right right yeah but yeah triple h they had footage of him climbing in a coffin of somebody's supposed dead wife and uh he basically he basically indicates that he fucked

her so hard and he like grabs a pile of goo and he indicates that he fucked her brains out literally literally fucked her brains and this is what like i watched when i was in my formative years oh yeah my superhero was steve austin who was like a redneck that drank beer he's like give me a hell yeah yeah and like later like he ended up like beating wife. Did he? Yeah. He dated one of the divas or something. Right. Or married. That sucks. Because he's pretty progressive now, too. But now, yeah, he's a cool dude.

I mean, whatever, dude. Everyone makes mistakes. Yeah. Also, he is stone woke Steve Austin. Give me a hell yeah. If you're into that sort of thing, I don't want to force you to do it. But if you want to do it, you can do it. Consensual hell yeah.

That's okay. Give me a consensual hell yeah. If that's something you agree with. If not, that's okay. What would his finishing move be as woke Steve-O? Instead of, it used to be the stunner. The stunner. This one called like, ah, fuck that.

Do you mind if I stun you? Yeah. Is that okay? God, he's... Dude, I mean, I think... The trigger warning would be pretty good as a finishing move for a super woke... The Stone Cold trigger warning. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's really good. I still want to have a night where we have good times and just watch old wrestling. That would be... I'd be into that. So funny, dude. Yeah, we tried when we had a party at the old house. But, yeah that so funny dude yeah we we uh we tried when we had a party at the old house but yeah youtube was because we were trying to watch hell in a cell and then like some other clips came on hell in a cell is nuts so good and the ladder

matches being the hardy boy i waited four hours in line to get the hardy boys autograph yeah and this is when they were like over the hill right weren't they like this is like in their peak this was like the peak i was like in fifth sixth grade and like i was at east point mall which is like the shitty mall in essex which is just like redneck central yeah and oh the hardy boys over there and dude they were eating at applebee's and i remember i was such a hardcore wrestling fan wait they were eating at apple they were eating Applebee's because it's their favorite fucking restaurant. Like, they're such white trash. Awesome. I remember...

Nothing wrong with Applebee's. Applebee's was my favorite restaurant growing up. There was an Applebee's two seconds away from my house. Mine is still Buffalo Wild Wings. No way. 100%. God, you're such a little bitch. I love Buffalo Wild Wings.

Why? Because I love wings. Wait, where are you going on your date tonight? Green Turtle? Buffalo Wild Wings. Why? Because I love wings. Wait, where are you going on your date tonight? Green Turtle? Buffalo Wild Wings. No, nothing. It's got like a punny Mexican name. No, it's Nacho Mamas.

Yeah. Oh, does she live in Canton? No, no. It's in Towson. There's one in Towson, too. Oh, you're going to the Towson one. Is she coming to the show with you? No. Well, does she know that you're doing Mag the Towson one? Is she coming to the show with you? No. Well. Does she know that you're doing Magoobies tonight? Yeah. Ideally not, because the Thursday night show is the worst.

I have ever wanted to go to a Thursday night show before, and I was like, oh, this is what you do? Have you ever fucked on a first date? No. Damn. I bet you could fuck this chick on a first date. Nah. Probably.

I think you could. Like, I wouldn't mind giving you lemons. I mean, I don't want her to come to the show on my goobies, so it's not gonna be that. I think, though, that's the thing.

Like, once you get older, like, I remember being young. Like, I dated my first girlfriend for a year and a half before we had sex. Woo! And now, like, on a first date,

we're like, we should have sex. Yeah. It's, like, insane, like, how easy it is when you get older. Is it? Yeah, 22, it's still weird.

Yeah, it's still weird. It's still super weird. Yeah. But once you hit like 23 which this girl is yeah she's a total slut no i think like once you hit 20 i think once i hit like 25 26 dating just becomes so easy it's like unbelievable well it's also like you're like oh they're confident well they're just people too. You realize they want the same thing you do.

Exactly. That's the thing. When I remember being a kid when I was young and I thought guys wanted sex way more than chicks, it's just not fucking true, right? Yeah. Why am I saying this? You know this.

He knows. Everybody knows. I've had some of the sex things. Listen here, Sonny. I forgot you're not Isaac. But the Buffalo Wild Wings thing. We'll wrap up soon. Donnie is kind of like...

Because you stayed at a frat house, but you weren't a part of a frat. Yeah, I lived in a frat house. And you look like... You're an all-American boy. I look like I'm house it looked like like you you're like you have an all-american i look like i'm a republican yeah yeah i look like i voted for bush maybe not trump but but like yeah for sure definitely didn't yeah like you're like fiscally conservative for sure by on your look yeah like if somebody brings up ronald reagan you'd be like he's pretty rad

you know uh but i just wanted wanted the story because you were supposed to help us move into this house, actually. Oh my god. We'll end on this. Tell us why you couldn't come over. I love this story. This was last fall. It wasn't that long ago.

Don't edit yourself. We moved in in November. So yeah, it was not too long ago. So don't edit yourself towards the end because we we moved in in november so yeah so yeah so not too long ago at maryland are basically like dorms like owned by the fraternity house so sort of like huge there's like 30 some kids that live in them right right and uh and in the basement there's like a kitchen yeah big kitchen huge kitchen and so we're like everyone can make whatever they want or there's There's a cook who comes sometimes to make a meal plan and stuff. You have a cook show up? That's tight. Yeah.

Wow. I love that everyone can make whatever they want, but everyone just makes Pop-Tarts probably. After I left, I went back once this spring, and they just had Pop-Tarts out, which they didn't have out before. You just take, and I took like seven cases of Pop-Tarts. Cases. Great, yeah. Yeah. It's a wild time living there.

But we had a bunch of incidents. People destroy the kitchen when they come back drunk. There's like sauces everywhere. Right, right, right. And so we had... These kids, they don't know how to act. So I couldn't help you move one night because I woke up in the morning

and... Because you had a party the night before. Yeah, there was a party the night before. It was like a Saturday morning. I didn't go. I had a gig in D.C. I just came back and there was no food in the fridge. Somebody ate my food, so I just ate someone else's food.

That's just what happened. This is justified. Didn't even think about it. It's like every man for himself. Somebody fucked my wife. I'm going to fuck someone else's wife. I'm going to fuck their wife. So I microwaved their quesadillas and ate them.

Just looking in the fridge. Did somebody fuck my wife? So I microwaved their quesadillas and ate them and then uh and then and i woke up the next morning and and like we have a group chat for like everybody in the house and it said hey whoever did whoever did that in the kitchen last night that's so fucked up and like a bunch of us like yeah seriously fuck whoever did that i was like it's not who ate the quesadillas yeah who ate this quesadillas right but apparently it was way worse yeah something happened at like four in the morning where they never like they don't have footage of it but we came down and i got a video of it on snapchat uh all the cereal was busted open and thrown everywhere.

All the sauces were sprayed on every surface. Jesus Christ. Giant barbecue sauce stick. Someone threw a bottle of mustard at the wall, and it was, like, crusted on there. And then right as you got down the steps, there was, like, where, like, a floor mat would be walking into the kitchen. In light Caesar dressing, someone had written fuck jews on the floor right floor and like there's like a like the president of the fraternity was a jewish kid like it was like it's not like an ant it's not like super rednecky like protestanty right diverse. Yeah. Also, still not worse than eating someone else's quesadillas, but pretty good.

Yeah. Yeah, they're like, this is bad, but what we're all talking about is quesadillas. Who the fuck ate the quesadillas? That's why Donnie couldn't come because they're all beating the shit out of him. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You don't understand. Somebody fucked my wife.

Like, what? That is... You somehow have to work that story On stage And then But But the We had to have an intervention

For the kid And like I was I like told Josh Yeah yeah I'll help you move And then they were like Hey we have to have a house meeting To figure out who did this

And slap Like but they knew who did it So we were like What happened to him We had to have an intervention for him They basically like Called the cops But but got him sober. Well, that's nice.

Well, I don't know if he's sober anymore. I don't think he's in school anymore. Yeah, he didn't sound very stable. It was pretty funny, though, because you were very nice. You're like, hey, man, I'll be there in a little bit. And then you're like, oh, actually, I can't come. We have to have a house meeting. I was like, oh, you fucking frat bro or whatever.

He's like, well, this happened. He sent me a screenshot. I was like, you fucking frat bro or whatever he's like well this happened it like sent me a screenshot it's like jesus fucking christ meanwhile we had uh people helping us move yeah it turns 11 o'clock uh should we get some beers well i guess it's beer o'clock huh 11 a.m i guess the liquor stores are open now yeah we're all thinking it so let's do it um but yeah so the but you told me that kid was pretty unhinged, though. Yeah, very much. Like, he came into one of the... We were watching the finale of Westworld,

and he came into the room and just spit on the floor. Like, no. And then we had to push him out. Because he was drunk? Yeah. Yeah, but wouldn't he, like, just get naked, too? No, that was someone else. How old was he?

That wasn't someone else. Dude, that sucks so much. Everyone's around my age. That you're 20 years old and you have alcoholism. That sucks. No, there's some kids in all of frat life who have gambling problems and drinking problems, drug problems. Yeah.

They have some Xanax in a group chat. Frat life attracts weird shitty people it's yeah weird but so does comedy so yeah oh man it's it's weird it's a different kind of actually i don't know comedy's like the same kind of person without friends oh that makes sense you know what's funny i've always had friends though really i've Really? I've never been super cool, but I've never been considered the lowest on the social totem pole. I never fraternity uncool. I don't know. Fraternity is a different level.

Oh, no. I would never. I was not that cool. Yeah, frats just didn't interest me. Frats is a different level of weird. Frats didn't interest me. It didn't really interest me, but it was a really cheap place to live. It was fun for a semester because I got to like have a taste of it

And like eventually like remove myself from it If I wanted to you know Yeah and you didn't have to put up with the bullshit It's like alright eat this pickle out of my ass And then you can move in Now you're my brother Like I hate it No but the shittiest part was my roommate was pledging

Like the kid who lived in my room Which was like no bigger It was way smaller than this kitchen Yeah which is a very big kitchen. Very big kitchen. Yeah, very big kitchen. You have a lovely home. Thank you.

Thank you. Eat this pickle out of my hands. No, but he was pledging, so the floor above us was a room called the Power Quad. And they would jump up and down on the ceiling every morning to the point where our light fixture fell off. Just to like wake him up? Yeah oh they just partied at all hours oh okay i got you like my roommate eventually like punched the ceiling back just like oh they're like fuck you bob they'd be like ah fuck you

guys and he punched in the ceiling but the ceiling's just drywall like the floor is like solid right right punches a hole right through the ceiling. People are so fucking stupid. Yeah. It was a great kid. He was a really nice kid. Good kid. Good kid. I wonder what happened to him.

Well, speaking of good kids, Donnie, you're a good kid. You're a good kid. You're going to have good shows this weekend. You're going to have good shows. I hope so. Fuck this chick on your date. Yeah. Fonazzo's doing guest spots.

Show for the bottle of Captain Morgan. Oh, he's headlining the weekend after right yeah so he's trying to do as many spots as possible so yeah definitely go see mike not not not me but mike finazzo yeah yeah no finazzo phil no donnie's great too finazzo's good and then oh sunny also hilarious as well he's featuring sunny fuller so fun just don't bring your kids well actually this is going to come out on Monday, so it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. They were great shows.

You did great. I did so well. Dude, you fucking killed. So you fucked that chick, right? It was fun. He's a dad now. Daddy died immediately. I fucked Sonny.

It's like, Eric, where are you putting my ass? Donnie's fucking me in my ass. Sir. Excuse me, sir. me in my ass. Sir. Excuse me, sir. My ass is pregnant. Sir. I'm a man. I've only got one hole.

Donnie ever be fucking you in the ass, sir? Excuse me, sir. Well, yeah. Is there anything else you want to plug? No. After Monday. I'm at the DC Improv on Wednesday night. Oh, fuck you.

It's going to be a good show. Hanna. Fun as heck. Hannah. Great room. If I do get a job as a tour guide to find out tomorrow, come on Bike and Roll DC. That's awesome.

I want to do a Baltimore tour guide. Yeah. That sounds like a sweet job. Yeah. Pretty good. It's better paying than every job I've applied for with a comm degree. What's your degree? Communications.

Damn, dude. That sucks. I mean, that's great. No, it's terrible. Are you going to go to grad school? Six months now. Okay.

Well, you're going to be poor. Well, here's the thing. He minored in pussy. So that's going to pay dividends. I M'd in P. Yeah, there it is.

He M'd in P. Cool. He'll keep M'd in P. I'll keep on it. Thanks for coming on, buddy. Thanks for having me. Yeah, you guys check out Donnie

He's a lovely home Shout out to my house It's a pretty good house Thank you It's an end unit Our buddy Ramin Mostafavi Is headlining And that's Joe Squared in Baltimore, Maryland

For me I have some stuff coming up, but I forget. The main thing is that I'll be hosting LOL at Artscape this year. Good for you. Umar, my roomie, my tenant, will be passing the torch. And that's going to be the 21st through the 23rd. But I think it's just the 21st and the 22nd. Probably. I don't know. I don't know i don't know if you can so i missed

that like two years in a row i'm gonna just email everybody forgets oh also i'm hosting for judah friedlander oh yeah creative alliance june 2nd the day after jen and jokes yeah um and i'm headlining everything will be okay at the crowned uh whatever next thursday is the 24th yeah that sounds right let's let's see let's see nope that is the 25th the 25th i'm headlining everything will be okay at the crown it's chris hudson show go see me do that yeah it's a good show man good good shit first saturday in june i'm headline i'm doing my first 45 minute set where i smoked wood fired eatery in cambridge the big time and comedy boys dope dude it's gonna be a lot a lot a lot of stutters a lot more stutters than we had here hell yeah that's cool you're like well and that's 45 and that's yeah that's cool. Like you get to do 45. I'm scared. Yeah. Umar did air quotes.

Stole three jokes. Not bad. Yeah. Not bad. That was good. That was a good one-liner. That's a good one. What if the crowd was into it, though?

Yeah. Like you'd say it and they're like, yeah! Woo! That's kind of pretty good. That would be the greatest special in the though? Like you'd say it and they're like, yeah! This guy's pretty good. That would be the greatest special in the world. Thank you, good night. Good night. Good night. Good night, French.

Let's do it again next year. Wow, he was great. He was awesome. Holy shit. All right, guys. Well, yeah, look for the digression sessions on all other social media and all that stuff. We're on Facebook, our Facebook page, at DigSearchPod on Twitter. And that's Josh Coderna on Twitter and Instagram.

And we'll talk to you guys next time. David Koechner. Kiss out. Digression sessions. Come on to an end. Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah