The Digression Sessions - Ep. 219 - Josh & Umar on So What Do You Really Do?

Episode Date: June 2, 2017

Hola Digheads, this week host and comedian Josh Kuderna and his roomie / tenant, / fellow comedian Umar Khan, are guests on Deadair Dennis' podcast, So What Do You Really Do?   We're talking about our jobs and how they've made us so soft. It's a fun one!    Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, and Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on iTunes, Google Play Music & Stitcher plz!

oh we're doing a podcast we're doing a podcast welcome to the digression sessions podcast everybody how the hell are you josh kaderni here sitting next to my uh my roomie hey hey my uh my co-host mr umar khan what's up man hey man what are we what are what are we just sitting here acting casual sitting here watching soprano reruns living the life huh yeah doing a little podcast intro like modern men, modern pieces of shit. Yeah. So this podcast is actually, it's a crossover episode. Our buddy, Dead Air Dennis, who lives up in Boston, who started out in this area. He was down here doing a festival and he has a podcast called So What Do You Really Do? And it's where they interview like artists about their day jobs my favorite part

wall about that was i don't think it was on the podcast but right before the podcast you know he's like yeah i had a heart attack and i've been i was in jail for two months like you're so close to our age did you have a heart attack it is just this unassuming guy yeah i think he was wearing like a star wars shirt yeah yeah sure i've done some time yeah ticker well i got a bum ticker yeah he's like yeah so anyway yeah i have a heart attack now we do a podcast but uh so yeah so we were on the podcast we recorded it at my house and uh yeah we decided to release it on our feed as well because you and i talked for a good amount of it yeah and i don't think we talk about jobs for i mean for a decent amount but not too much yeah i think most of it just how much we hate comedy and we we live too cush of a life to pursue it full time it's basically that's just sort of bragging but

also bemoaning how like oh gosh we're just too comfortable you just hear us eating uh organic quinoa bowls for mom's organic market yeah yeah there are frequent breaks there's frequent breaks in the podcast of us to stop and smell our own farts yeah yeah for sure that's so good speaking of farts you got any dates speaking of farts i'll be at fartscape oh yeah me too oh my goodness i'll be i'll be hosting uh the comedy portion of artscape on july 22nd 23rd and uh umar is going to be on the show and some other uh local comedians so come to that they're free they're always a fun show so good and uh let's see on the 13th i'll be at ben's chili bowl uh doing stand up there i'll be featuring for mr ramin mastafavi in dc uh then the 14th i'll be in fairfax at the

green turtle that'll be a good one uh also featuring for ramin and then the 15th i will be uh i'll be um sort of co-hosting specific ignorance at the dc draft house i'll be on the uh the god mic and uh that's a really fun show it's like sort of like a uh live like trivia show with uh alcohol mixed in so come to that everybody umar what you got uh well you know it doesn't matter uh first of all yeah people don't give a shit uh tonight oh wait tonight doesn't matter uh but next week we're gonna be uh together in what's that town called hagerstown yeah if you're listening and you live in hagerstown and you're gay as shit come out to this show we're doing a gay benefit show yeah it sounds like you're making fun it's a gay benefit what's a benefit that's something gay like gay people um we're gonna do that with eric

yeah keep paradise so i booked something on the 29th and i forgot what it is and then just come to gin and jokes on the first thursday of every month yeah oh and also i do want to plug august 19th i know it's a bit away i'm featuring for greg fitzsimmons at creative lines two days before my birthday so come on out oh awesome awesome yeah and uh yeah find us on facebook and uh the the digression sessions has a page we're at dig sesh pod on twitter i'm at josh cadern on twitter and instagram umar what are you on there uh i'm at umar underscore a underscore con and then in instagram i am uh umar con 821 my birthday there you go there you oh i thought it was a blink 182 thing why just out of order yeah yeah yeah oh everyone i think a lot of people think

that yeah damn i should change it now i look stupid you don't look stupid yeah you're right whatever people you yeah people are into god i'm in a blink way too at least my shit's real you know yeah mark hoppus is your god he's real dude you're like hey can you write songs about being 17 forever i know it's the worst but i love their new songs he's like i hear you my son i will grant you these thank you god there are one new song he talks about hanging out in a target parking lot it's like bro target wasn't even around when you were a teenager like what the fuck are you maybe he's doing it now you know maybe he's like trying to yeah he's just living vicariously through his son he's like what would my son jack be doing right now and that's

his son's actual name my rich son oh i'm sure you know his name yeah uh but yeah so let so this uh so yeah let's get into it. We're going to let Dennis take the reins. And yeah, so we're just going to play the audio from that. So make sure you check out his podcast. And thank you guys for listening. So yeah, we're actually releasing two episodes this weekend. So get into that.

And then on Monday, we'll have a brand new one for you. Cool. So Dig Sesh all weekend, all up. Fucking time. Let's cut to my kitchen, shall we? Thank you so much for downloading this episode of So What Do You Really Do? The podcast where I, your host, Dead Air Dance Mauer,

speak with artists and entertainers about their day jobs. And I'm out of the studio and on the road in Baltimore for the Term City Comedy Festival. And I got to just hang out right now with my two Baltimore community friends that we all started right around the same time. Josh and Umar Khan, which not only do I know you both from comedy,

I found out today that you guys live together. It's one of those, I walked up, knocked on the door, and then Umar walked up and he's like, oh hey, are you you're here to record with Josh. I don't know if he's here. Hold on. And walks in the up and he's like oh hey are you are you uh you're here to record with josh uh i don't know if he's here hold on and walks in the house and you're like what yeah yeah we're the bad boys of hickory yes so uh umar khan uh before we we're gonna jump in that way we're

not taking up too much time umar khan uh your day job is psychiatrist oh i'm a school psychologist for baltimore county schools or city schools uh for baltimore city schools okay because it's there's gonna be a different world of it's way different yeah between city and county kids yes way it just you know yeah different just way different it's interesting too when you talk about baltimore city and baltimore county if you're not familiar with this area it makes no sense no like i I remember Joe Rogan had a former cop on. Yeah. He was like, yeah, so I was in the county.

And Joe Rogan's like, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, do most states not do counties? I don't know. I know Boston doesn't. Yeah, which is weird. Like, yeah, I've never heard Boston County. I've never heard. It's either the suburbs or the city proper, right?

Yeah, because Boston is inside of Suffolk County, but nobody talks about Suffolk County. Right. Like, if you say Suffolk County, nobody knows what the hell you're talking about. They know Baltimore, they know Boston, Boston, and then everything around it. And, like, all the other communities have their own mayor. So, like, here in Baltimore, we have the mayor of the city, we have the mayor of the county, then we have the governor, and that's basically it. Well, yeah, and that's an annoying thing, like, when you travel.

Like, I just say Baltimore. Yeah. You know, like I'm from. But then here it's people will call you out on it because if like there's. What part? Yeah. Well, yeah. People are like, dude, no, you're from the county.

You're not from Baltimore. I'm like, I know. It just makes things easier. But they're like. It's pretty much their way of saying you're a pussy. Yeah. Like it's just. You weren't in the shit.

Yeah. You didn't grow up in the city. It's like. Katesville. Yeah. Pussy. Yeah. Unless you say like me. I was like, oh, I'm from Dundas. I'm like, oh, yeah. No, you're in the shit. You're in the shit Yeah you didn't grow up In the city It's like Yeah Unless you say Like me I was like

Oh I'm from Dundas I'm like oh yeah No you were in the shit You were in the shit But it's also like Most of the people That try to call you out On that

Are like people Who if they did Grow up in the city They grew up in a nice Part of the city So it's like Dude you were In a

You grew up in a nicer House than me You just have a zip code That's in the city Yeah Hamilton Or something like that Yeah or like

Roland Park Roland Park. Roland Park, exactly. That's a good one. And now no one knows what we're talking about. No, we don't. Hi, local podcast everyone. Nobody understands that. They're like, let's talk about it for 10 minutes.

Well, the reason it's different between the city and the county, I'm sure, is because city, I mean, you're still going to get kids with, you know with maybe an abuse problem or this or that. But I feel like the county kids, it's going to be much – you're going to deal a lot more with kids with depression. I don't mean to say like an asshole with three questions. No, they're legit problems. They're real problems. I just like – I have a – well, like I have a bias against like rich people. Oh, black people. Yeah. I thought that would be funny and it's not a funny joke but like uh he's like you know what made you get into like school psychology it's like well you know i just

uh i think about kids suffering and uh i get a lot of pleasure out of it so i get to go to work every day and watch kids so it's payback for all the suffrage I got from bullying. No, it's way different. Like my friend who works in the county, in a rich county, like one of the richest counties in the country, she was telling me that she had to talk to a second grader. He was having like almost like an anxiety attack because his family was going on vacation over spring break. They're going to Saudi Arabia. And he was worried that his dad didn't buy first class tickets.

I'm like, that's what she had to counsel him for. Don't you hate it when that happens? Yeah, dude, I know. I'm like, dad, stop being such a pussy. Quit poking around. I'm in business class. I want unlimited chocolate milk on my flight. Bottles of juice cup. Keep filling it up, all right?

I never want to see the bottom of my drink. What is this Capri Sun bullshit? I'm not fucking around with the straw. Put the straw in for me, bitch. What am I, poor? And meanwhile, you're done with kids who are like, my mom's on crack or... Yeah, stuff like, I mean, just like, I mean, like horrendous. My brother was shot.

Yeah, totally. Like, I've dealt with... How much can you say? Can you speak in generalities like this? Because you can't... I think so. Okay. Well, I mean, you can talk about the things you do and not specifically kids.

I think I can not use names and if I just don't talk about the school system disparagingly. It's adorable that you guys think anyone's going to hear this podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's like – yeah, I don't know if I would go on like the news or something and talk about it. Oh, man. You just bummed out all the news. What are we going to put on now? I mean I don't trust fake news anyways.

Oh, yeah. That's all it is. Yeah, no. I've dealt with like – I mean just this year I think I've dealt't trust fake news anyways. Oh, yeah. That's all it is. Yeah, no. I've dealt with, like, I mean, just this year, I think I've dealt with, like, multiple people dying. Kids. I had to tell, like, a preschool class, like, their fucking aide died. It was a bummer. And then, like, but none of the preschool kids understand death.

You're just like, yeah, they're gone. It's fine. And they're like, okay. And then I'm like, so have you you like and uh they just love attention so they'll i remember like i told them i was like so this uh you know mrs blah blah she died this is what dying means uh sometimes people are sad when this happens and it's okay and then the kid raised her hand like i'm sad and i was like why are you sad like um i didn't have breakfast like okay and they just and then like some kids like once like i'm sad i'm like why are you sad in there and then like sit there and try to think

of something to make up on the spot like that kid who raised his hand but didn't know the answer yeah i'm picturing like uh kim jong-un's funeral that's actually a thing in uh i don't know if it's japanese culture or chinese culture they Jung-un's funeral that forced people to cry. They're like, oh no, I'm so sad. That's actually a thing in, I don't know if it was Japanese culture or Chinese culture. They will pay people

to come to their family members' funerals and just cry. Oh, I love that. Dude. I've seen articles about that. That's amazing. It would be so funny to do your funeral

just filled with your family and then Japanese people. So sad. Everyone has questions, no answers. Yeah. Well, I was just talking last night after the Trump City comedy show. I went to my old haunt, and I was talking to a girl, to a woman who, he's like, she was at least 18 years old.

So I was talking to this broad, because, you know, she's not real peoples. Anyway, I was talking to a woman who bartends at Lucky's, but she's also a school teacher, English teacher, I think she said. And I don't know. Anyway, she said that she works at a city school. She works at a city school. And I was like, oh, man, you're an unattractive looking woman. I feel so bad for you having to deal with high school kids and being an attractive female and dealing with high school kids.

And then she goes, oh, no, it's not bad in the city. When I worked in the county with all white kids in Bel Air. Is she white? She is white. That's why. Yeah, that's why I felt that. She was like, oh, I don't get hit on in the city schools. But when I worked at the schools in Bel Air, I got hit on by students every day.

Me and then another teacher of of mine She was like a 21 That's her first year Teaching at Bel Air And just some kid One of the kids in her class Just whipped their dick out And was like Come on

You know you want this She's like Put that away And she goes Is that all she did? That's not how you respond To sexual assault Wait until recess

Yeah Well she didn't know How to handle the situation And like the principal And like the whole staff at school was like, you know, you can preach charges if you want. She takes away free time from him. Like, okay, you know what? No recess and no staff time for you.

No, that's what's hilarious. Like, I work with some pretty attractive teachers. And a lot of them are white. And, like, in my, you know, like, I think they're attractive. But then I just hear, like, kids making fun. Like remember i work with this teacher and kids for so many they're so fucking mean they like make fun of her toes all the time and say she's got like crusty ass feet and it's like she's really nice feet like there's nothing wrong with their feet it's like that john mulaney bit where he's like 12 year olds are the most terrifying. Yeah. Like they identify the one thing about you.

He's like, if I see a group of them, I'm so afraid they're gonna be like, Hey, look at that high, high waisted man. He's like, I'm not high waisted.

Dude, there's so many. I was, I remember I was just walking up the steps and I hear a girl go, Mr. Combs, a goofy bitch. That's another insult you can get

bad at. I think it's hilarious. I don't give a shit. I don't correct it. There's no reason. And if you did, they would just make it worse. I'm not a goofy bitch. Dude. I couldn't have imagined cussing in front of teachers or like

but they get away because that's like the least of their concerns. Tell them about the, I don't want to say that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So one time I was working. I wasn't working yet. And I was like a student doing like 10 hours a week in a school.

And there was a principal that like these kids didn't like. And I was in a middle school. And I don't know. They just weren't listening to the principal and the principal was going to make him write an essay and this kid lost it and he just yells in front of everybody like, yeah, that's why I'm going to skull

fuck your wife. It's like crazy. How old was the kid? He was like 13. 13? Skull fuck 13. 13? 13? Skull fuck your wife. Your wife. This is the best. The only thing that makes that sentence better, if he would have said, I'm going to skull fuck your old lady.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Super white trash. That's like Essex. Yeah. It was a white kid, too. That was hilarious. Wow. And now, since you've already heard his voice so we can get familiar with the distinction between the two of theirs

we're also sitting with Josh Kuderna who works for you messaged me SSA and I had to now just figure out oh social security administration yeah cause you're a budget analyst for social security administration and I have no idea what that sentence even means I kind of don't either

it's tough to explain it I was a history major too of the administration, and I have no idea what that sentence even means. I kind of don't either. It's tough to explain it. I was a history major, too, and now I'm a budget analyst for the government, so I don't know. But I like the job. Real quick, the school thing made me think of our mutual friend, Catherine. She's a teacher out in the county. Catherine Carlson? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And just talking about awkward moments with students and stuff. So the first day back, of course, kids are like crazy because it's like the first day and they're all riled up. And she had 38 kids in her class. She was teaching a theater class. 38 kids, which is like an insane amount of people. She finally gets them settled down. And then this one kid comes in and he's a little slow.

Oh, no. down and then this one kid comes in and he's a little little slow and uh oh no he he opens the door and he's late so everybody's in there and then he just comes in he goes what up mommy like says the n-word is he white yeah oh my god who doesn't say the n-word is the only white like if you're telling the story about someone saying the n-word of course they're white like nobody just says so black guy walked in and said the N-word. And we all were like, fine with it. Good point. Yeah. But yeah, so, but he didn't mean it in like a mean way.

Like, you could tell he probably heard it over the summer. Yeah. Like, knew that it was like, cool. And so he's like, how am I going to make my first impression? Yeah. And then Catherine can't punish him, you know? It's like, okay, calm okay calm down like just take a seat then he sits down next to a black girl

staring daggers at him and he's like what's up how old is it? I don't know I think they were in high school just amazing we get murdered oh my god that's so funny

I like that though like Josh and I Have like completely different jobs but we both Get so much material out of like the black people We work with They're the most Fucking funniest people in the world Nick Oldershaw always busts my balls He's like here's my Josh

Gagarin impression Black people say wacky stuff Yeah Nick Oldershaw Came up to me because we were all roast Here's my Josh Gagarin impression. Hey, black people say wacky stuff. Yeah, Nick initially came up to me because we were all roasting. It was like me, Josh, and Nick were roasting, making fun of each other and just jokes. Because, like, Nick is this comic who's, like, super funny, super smart. He's, like, a young kid, though. Yeah.

And it's, like, all of his jokes just kind of seem like he just sits in his room alone and is like, Wouldn't this be weird? Instead of, like he just sits in his room alone and is like, wouldn't this be weird? Instead of, like, life experience. So then I told that to him, and then he comes over to me. He's like, hey, Umar, I can't wait to hear your joke about gluten-free food you're eating. It's just like. Amazing. Fucking with Nick.

He's just like hey guys Stephen King writes a lot of weird stuff huh isn't that wild yeah well do you do the SSA

in the city or county so this is in the county because that's definitely different there's definitely a difference

yeah so this is the headquarters in Woodlawn where I work featured in Die Hard 4? Yeah. Did they use that building?

Yeah, they were like, we gotta go to Woodlawn barely. Because when I was 20, I worked at the Bennigan's right near there. I don't know if it's still there. I remember that. I grew up like two minutes from where Dash works. That's so funny. Where the fuck, dude, you've

been to Bennigan's? Dude, you've been against? Yeah, I worked at Bennegan's. I was 50% of white male servers that worked there. Oh my god. Nice. It was an experience. I think that was the first time I got called a redneck to my face. And I was like, hon, I'm from Dundalk.

If you want to meet some rednecks, I'll take you to Sparrow's Point and introduce you to a couple that also just happens to be skinheads. Who I fight with because I go to Puff Rock shows. I'm gonna walk away from you. Do you... Nobody knows what Dundalk is either. It's just a shitty part of town.

They should know about Dundalk though. They should know. Yeah, do you have... No, you're gonna ask me a question. I feel like if I ask you this question, it's going to ruin the... Like, do you ask specific questions about our jobs, or... I don't know. We can shoot the shit.

Yeah, we'll shoot the shit. I mean, I'm fine with anything. Yeah, we'll shoot the shit right now, but I'll go question. I'm just going to go back and forth. Yeah, let's do it. And I'll also just edit this out. I don't give a shit. I just didn't know if we were, like, going too off script.

By the way, is there a time that we need to be finished by? Do you guys have any? We can keep it like around an hour. That'd be cool. Yeah. No like set time right now. Yeah, that's fine. I'll set a time for 45 minutes now and then we'll finish up by then.

Cool. So. What up? So you want to do something with the dog before we? No, I'm going to hold him. Okay. But I got to grab my phone because my lady works down in D.C. and I have to pick her up from the train station.

What time does the train come in? She arrives at 6, so we've got time. Oh, we've got plenty of time. We've got plenty of time. All right, now working with the Social Security Administration with the budget analysis, you said you went to school for history. How did you end up at the Social Security Administration? Well, Dennis sued the power of God. Anything is possible. to school for history. How did you end up at the Social Security Administration? Well, dentists are the power of

God. Anything is possible. I prayed on it. Lord, please give me a job that I have. No experience or qualification. Right. With all the benefits. So I was a history major and then I went to UMBC, a university

around Baltimore County. Out in the county hall. And SSA had a job fair, and they had a few different people from different departments saying what they're looking for. And they had some IT stuff. And I remember the inspector general guy, because those are the that are like the watchdogs of agencies and stuff they like tried to make it sound cool he's like you know you hunt down people you might get a gun and then uh the office of budget they were saying they're like we do a lot of stuff with numbers and then we also need writers to put the story to the numbers for the stuff we send to congress and i was like i just wrote a 30 page paper and so I gave them that and then ended up getting an interview with them.

And I actually interviewed with one component of SSA that I'm really glad I didn't end up working for. But I thought I, like, crushed the interview, but I was just, like, fucking around. It was two, like, older ladies, like, kind of, like, middle-aged ladies. And they asked me, she was like, she's like, of like middle-aged ladies and they asked me she was like she's like so what would you do say like if you saw me doing something wrong would you tell somebody and i was like first of all i don't think you would do anything yo that's so cool they like died laughing and i was like crushed oh so and then i got a phone call asking for an interview and i was like oh i just did an interview like oh no we're not associated with that was

the Office of Budget they got a hold of me and I had to do a phone interview with them and like I don't know anything about Social Security and they asked me they asked me how to what would I do to keep the trust fund solvent which is like the biggest problem with SSA and has... I don't even know what solvent is. Exactly. Trustfund? Isn't solvent what you put in water to keep it soft? We got hard water.

We got to put some solvent in this. So we're going to keep the Trustfund soft. Yeah, I'm like, oh, you guys got hard water? I know you do that. I like the idea that they ask you that question like, hey, so they ask you that question, like, hey, so how would you keep the trust I'm solving? And then you try to use the same line again.

I don't think you'd do anything right. I don't think you could solve anything. I'm on the phone, yeah. I don't think you guys could solve anything. So, yeah. I think it's almost, as a history merger, I almost want to hear you come up with some weird, crazy, like, well, in 1857

when Abraham was lung-hunting for half a year. Yeah, I believe it was General George Washington that once said, trust funds are good. So I just bullshitted my way through it. But what that means is, like, basically we're all putting money into Social Security and then you want to have money for people that are retiring, right? But I didn't know that, and I just had to bullshit my way through. I was like, well, if you just check your numbers, stay diligent. Hope that more people die before they can actually turn it on.

Diligently kill old people. So I was just like bullshitting my way through it. Luckily, I got a real interview after that. And the one thing that saved me on the phone is I was working at Paper Moon at the time, a diner here in Baltimore. And they're going through my resume and they're like, oh, I see you work at Paper Moon. And I hear this one voice just go, I love their turkey burgers. I was like, I'm in.

It's like, I'll give you all the turkey burgers. So yeah, so then I got the in-person interview and that went well. And on my resume, I wrote that I went well and on my resume I wrote that I like other interests or whatever I wrote that I play in bands and they were so into that they were just like

oh you play guitar blah blah that's awesome and I like I was like my grandma told me to put that on there and I was like

no that's so dumb like why would they care just put it on there and everybody was like after I started they were like yeah they were all talking about it

like he plays guitar yeah that's so funny, dude. That's awesome. So, yeah. Psychology. How did you get into psychology? Obviously, other than going to school. Most people who go into, like, a medical field, they always seem to have some stories like,

well, I went into eye care because I've had glasses my entire life and I want to understand it. No, I don't. I was in school and I just didn't know what I wanted to do and then I think it's just like everyone, I took a psych class and was like this is interesting. And then

the whole time I wanted to do research and then I started working in research. I did autism research and I hated it. That's gotta be a bum out uh no not that part like i like working with kids but like uh i don't trust any research after work anytime like us like you read an article or a study it's like this is what we did it's like you did not do it like that there's no way it went like like dude like i was like can you imagine

doing research with like children with autism with autism? They're just, like, running every, like, nothing. They won't stop talking about trains. Yeah. No, legit, like, I won't say where I work because I just hated it so much. And they hate, like, they hated me. I got in trouble. I got yelled at my first week there for talking too much, if you can believe that. And then my third week there i had to have an

in uh no um a meeting i got called into a meeting with both of my immediate supervisors and the first question was um i had no idea i thought they were just like checking in they're like i didn't know i was like in trouble and they're like the first question like so uh how do you like working here and i was like oh dope like uh well i didn't say dope i was like oh it's great like i got my own desk that's pretty cool like i thought like i'm out of it yeah i thought like they were just checking in so i was trying to be playful and they're like so yeah we heard that you have some problems with this job and that you didn't like some of the things we've asked you to do and I was like I don't think that's true but just some like

dickhead who I work with like it's done you heard me say something like sarcastically and took it seriously and told my fucking bosses which is like a theme in my life where people always say yeah well yeah anyway so I worked there and I fucking hated it and I didn't get into any like like, PhD programs, and it was, like, a nightmare. And then I just, like, found school psychology, and I was like, that sounds dope. Like, you work school hours. I get off summers. I get off winter break, spring break, and I get to work with kids, and it's awesome.

So, yeah, that's how I did it. And, yeah. So you didn't have intentions of being an actual psychologist at first until you were like, oh, doing research sucks. Yeah. I wanted to work in academia, do research, like be a – and then also like, yeah, a clinical psychologist. So like practice, do research. And then like everyone was like, Umar, like you suck dick at listening to people. Like you can't be like a clinical psychologist.

That's what your professor said? Yeah. In my professional opinion. Yeah. You suck. So I put that on my CV under my – Proficient at sucking dick at listening. Yeah.

So then I just applied to schools like programs and I went to school for three years and now it's my first year working. So another three years of school. So what's that? Seven years or – I did seven years of – yeah, I did four years of undergrad and then three years of grad school. I can't imagine what the school bills are or what's it, school loan? I don't have them. I paid my six years through community college by working.

Oh, shit. Well, I went to community college and then I got a lot of scholarships and grants. So undergrad is cheaper than community college like the last two years. And then – this is boring. But then I got grad school paid for because I worked for the university I went to. Oh, that's great. OK. Yeah, but I still have loans.

But it's not bad. That's not that bad. All I hear is people talking about swimming in student loans and I'm like, I don't know, dudes. I worked my way through school. I don't know. Well, I think Trump just took away loan forgiveness. Yeah, they're trying to. Which is a bummer because I qualify for it.

So I wouldn't have to pay back. I'd only pay back like maybe half of it. Wow. Did you get Pell Grants? I got those. No. Those were great. Yeah, I don't even know what Pell Grants are.

I didn't know what it was either until I qualified for it. I'm not going to lie. The amount of money that they'll just give you is insane. It's pretty good. Just like they're like, well, this is what you qualify for. I was like, I'm going to take all of that. Yeah, totally. And that's what I did.

And I don't regret it. But yeah, it's fine. I don't give a shit, dude. It comes out of my bank account. I don't even think about it. Yeah. Yeah, I was an idiot, too. I didn't even know what a grant was.

And I was like, okay, so what's the interest on it? Like, no, no, it's taken. No, you just take it and give it to you. Yeah. I'll take it, then. Yeah, you're just a seven-year-old kid going, I need to go to school and I don't know how I'm going to pay for this. Right, yeah.

Problem? No, it was just cool. Oh, Master of None Season 2? Oh, right, season 2 oh right. I hear it. Oh. Yeah, you don't like that show I do like I like the show disease if you're listening Josh hates you Don't ever let him open for you at the bottom arena. Oh my god, what the fuck is this? Oh, Aziz just broke it! Ah! I heard you talking shit! Yeah. He, uh... No, I like the show, it's just there's little Aziz things that pop up that bother me. Like when, uh...

What did he, he like spilled something? And he's like, oh no, my sneakers! Yeah, he's like, it's, yeah. Like little, like, Aziz-isms. Is this gonna get cut out too? Us talking about Aziz, I'm sorry. Hey, Aziz, I'm not sorry. I can if I want. Aziz,isms. Is this going to get cut out too? Us talking about Aziz? I'm sorry. Hey, Aziz, I'm not sorry. I can if I want.

Aziz, I'm not sorry. Aziz, I'm not sorry. That's funny. You know, I had that alarm with heart pills. Not Aziz going, oh no, the people are talking about the alarm. My ears are burning. I actually didn't watch any of Master of None. I hear it's good.

It's fine. I just, when it came on, I was just like, I think it's still in my queue. I just had not said it. The acting is pretty bad, but the content is, you know, the content's also like hackneyed, but it's still fun to watch. There are some like really good moments though, like the wedding one when he's envisioning what he would say to his chick. I was like, damn.

Yeah. That is actually really good. Yeah. So, yeah, it's good, man. Well, I mean, do you, both as comedians, do you sometimes have problems watching comedies and having to over-criticize them? No, not really.

If it's good, if it's good, I fucking, I love it. I think of anything, it has, doing something has made me less critical of things only because I'm like, it's so hard to do like any kind of like show business stuff. And it's like if you or anyone that can end up on Netflix or MTV or like, why am I shitting on you? It's like for me, it's either this is for me or this isn't for me.

This does it for me. This doesn't. I'm not going to be like, this person sucks. Even with the hatred towards Nickelback, I just don't get it. Right. They make music you don't like. Who gives a shit? Why do you have to shit on something?

It's so weird. Yeah. I think it comes from people who don't do anything themselves. Well, I think it's just that when you have a meteoric rise like that, where you just become so popular so fast, it's just, oh, I have to turn around and hate them now. And it's like, I've played old Nickelback songs for people because they popped up in some soundtrack I had, like a Dracula 2000 soundtrack or whatever. Right, right, yeah. I remember they were like a heavier band. And I've played them and they're like, oh, man, what is this?

I'm like, it's Nickel. I've done things with Smash Mouth. I've played Smash Mouth songs on Jukebox. I'm like, oh, dude, what is this song? I'm like, it's Nickel. Like, I've done things with Smash Mouth. I've played Smash Mouth songs on Jukebox. I'm like, oh, dude, what is this song? I'm like, it's Smash Mouth off of Fushu Manga. Like, I didn't realize they had a good song. I feel so bad. Oh, I feel so dirty. Yeah, but also people, like, don't realize is, like, any comedian or band that, like, quote-unquote makes it, like, they have some level of talent.

And also they worked really hard. It's not like they just came out of nowhere. Yeah, it's very rare that somebody is going to get to that level without being talented. Yeah, even Aziz, he was doing Santa for, I think, almost 10 years before his first special came out, and everyone acted like he was just this brand new comic. You know what I mean? I mean, he definitely came up quicker than most people. For sure, and I think he was just so

young. He was young and he like, yeah, those are people millennials. And I think it was also like he went viral for knowing like doing a story about Kanye, didn't he? Oh, yeah. First big things. So people looked at that and went, yeah. Well, he was on Human Giant I think, which got him. Human Giant

and then all those Randy videos from the Funny People movie. Yeah. See, I never saw the Randy stuff. I've seen some of the Human Giant and then all those Randy videos from the Funny People movie yeah so I never saw the Randy stuff I've seen some of the Human Giant stuff I've never saw any of the Randy stuff I've heard about it

I mean he was just smart he like yeah he used the internet it was good use the internet use the internet oh just use the internet

and go viral oh okay yeah go viral well that's just funny like our buddy works for a video production company and sometimes josh and i will be asked to like help write commercials to make them funny

yeah and he's like okay so this company wants us to make a video that's gonna go viral it's like what the fun that's like so fucking stupid yeah that like you know what i mean it's just like not how the world works right it's like saying hey we want to make something successful it's like okay we actually did get something on upworthy so that, okay, well, good luck We actually did get something on Upworthy, so that was cool. Yeah, what was

that one? It was like the climate change video. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah. So when you guys

write, let's talk about that real quick, writing for this production company, and we just knew the guy and do it like, when he approached

you, did he say, hey, I want you to help me write this? And did you go, I don't think we're qualified for that?

No, I don't know. He said there was free pizza, and there was free pizza and i was like saying yeah and we didn't even know we're gonna get paid but we got pretty paid yeah we got paid for that gig that was dope no it's kind of a dream scenario you sit around you sit around with like smart funny people at a table like three or four people and you just throw out ideas oh Yeah, the last time, I don't know if I can say because of my job. Yeah, you're having good times. We were having good times. So then we go to the writer,

we go to the room to write, like we're in this boardroom and I'm having real good times. Josh is having good times. There's pizza. I eat like five pieces of pizza. That's right. So we're walking over there

and Umar's like, I only have like two pieces of pizza. I're walking over there and uh umar's like i only have like two pieces of pizza i had so much pizza as of late laying on the floor he's like i had five pieces of pizza and then and they're like are you guys having good times what gave it away yeah but it's also funny because like uh dude dude, we threw out – we were there for, like, two hours. And then even, like, on Facebook, we were throwing out joke after joke after joke after joke and premise. They used one fucking dumb joke. And we got paid for it. And often they don't use the best one.

Well, they can't. Because it's a company, so it has to be pretty, like – Unbranded. Yeah, like milk toast kind of humor. It's like you can't make fun of the company so it has to be pretty like on brand yeah like milk toast kind of humor it's like you can't make fun of the consumer and you know stuff like that so did you know that going into it or it's one of those like you throw out an inappropriate joke and like yeah no no that's not gonna fly yeah well uh so our buddy chris he took down a bunch of the ideas and then like i think the companies will give guidelines to of like you know don't

disparage the product or something like that. But otherwise, it's pretty fucking loose. Yeah. But it's like a bunch of like fucking stupid like – I don't know. It's just people making decisions that don't know anything about like what's funny. And like I don't know. Like I just – I always just think of it like if I watch this. So these commercials were going on YouTube it was like those ads

you could skip I was like I would skip this in a heartbeat and like you know we're trying to write stuff that's funny but I guess like to them they're like they have to like walk on eggshells you know does that make sense yeah no well in their interest they don't want anybody to look at they don't want somebody to see the commercial and then

have a negative opinion towards it yeah but I don't think they would. They just get super nervous. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Where it's like, well, now you just made us make a commercial that everyone's going to skip. Yeah, and then, yeah, it ends up being, like, very vanilla, too. Because we did one for, it was, like, the most interesting man. But it was, like, the most interesting man that, like, works at an office or something like that oh i don't even remember and i remember one of my jokes that got in was

like uh he when he points he calls it a powerpoint or something like that like powerpoint or fingers or something like that so parodying basically the dosaki commercials yeah exactly yeah i've done a couple of those punch-ups and stuff like that through people Never in a room they were just like hey here's the script What can you do Or hey here's the idea that we want What can you come around with it And I was like I've done it Also I've written commercials because I work in radio

So it's like they give me those But one of the videos I've done for somebody They just basically wanted that a viral video And I was like alright well here's What it is you can can do all the supervillains. It was an office full of supervillains. So it's like Darth Vader and Alan Rickman's character from Die Hard. I just wrote this quick little three-page thing.

It's like, yeah, I don't think we can get any of these actors. No, no, it's parody law. You just make them look like that person. They're like, oh, tell us more about parody law. I'm not a lawyer. Not even close. Legal Zoom. That's where we need to go to get this answer.

Right. Damn, dude. It'd be so great if you did that for Legal Zoom right there. Yeah. Speaking of. This podcast is sponsored by. Well, all right. Let's talk about that.

Since we're talking about comedy, you're talking about jobs. Do the people you work with know that you do stand-up? Because they knew you were in bands before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I started doing improv, which they kind of, like, didn't – that's what I started doing first, and they kind of didn't understand that. And then, like, I got into stand-up, so they're definitely more aware of it. And then when I got to interview Patton Oswalt for my podcast,

they all know about that, too, because I had to leave work to do that. Well, that was – not only did you leave work but the situation around it because I was following along with the Twitter conversation. On Twitter, yeah. Because basically what happened was you just sent a random tweet at Patton Oswalt. I'm like, hey, while you're in town, do you want to do a podcast? So he was at Common Ground, which is a coffee shop here in my neighborhood. And he tweeted to John Waters, but not really. Not like at John Waters, but he just said,

Hey, John Waters, I'm at your altar ready to worship you and included the picture. And my buddy screen captain sent it to me. And I was like, holy shit. So I just subtweeted him through that. And I was like, hey, I'm not John Waters, but if you do my podcast, I'll bring you a weird guy with a mustache or something like that. And he responded and said, like, okay, how soon can you get here? And I was like, holy shit. God, that feeling must have been amazing.

It was incredible. Because it was like this. Like, we're sitting around. It was like me, my manager, my team leader, and like a couple other people. So it's like four or five of us. We're having a meeting on like a meeting on like you know like oh do we have the funds for fiscal 16 let's go over the blah blah and i'm like i'm openly not paying attention because i'm on my phone like holy fuck yeah and then so i'm like uh all right uh i have to say something and i think everybody thought that i was gonna say like my grandma's dead or something. Because, like, my eyes are big and I'm, like, on my phone.

And there were so many things to say, like what a podcast was, who Patton Oswalt was. And I was just like, does anybody know who Patton Oswalt is? And they're like, ah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's like, he was on King of Queens. And then one person I work with, she's like, oh, yeah, I remember him. And I was like, yeah, see, he's real.

I got to go. I have an internet radio show he wants to do it because I didn't even try to say podcast and luckily my manager was cool

and she was like alright remember us little people and my gosh he's gone so well you also it was like

basically your co-host at the time was tweeting back to him because you were in the meeting and didn't know that he had responded so no

so at the time Mike Moran didn't even know about it. So I called Mike Moran and I was like, hey. Oh, Mike was the one that was in the dark. Okay.

I remember one of you guys didn't know what was happening. Yeah, no. So I was doing everything and then I called Mike. I was like, hey, get to Common Ground. We're going to interview

Patton Oswalt. Just fucking get there as soon as possible. And he goes, well, I'm at the gym. Should I shower? I'm like, Mike,

do what you gotta fucking do. It was so funny. Should I shower? I thought you were gonna be like, he's gonna, he said,

who's Pat? Which would not have been out of line at the time. Oh man, dude, that's so funny.

I remember, I love that shit, like, like how, cause I've gotten like pretty awesome gigs. I think like the biggest gig I've ever done, Oh man Dude that's so fun I remember I love that shit Like how Cause I've gotten Like pretty awesome I think like the biggest gig I've ever done

I got through Facebook Yeah And When I Got the response From Hasan Minhaj From the Daily Show He was like

Yeah man I would love for you to open Who just did the Correspondence Dinner Yeah yeah And I was in a Apple store Waiting for my Fucking phone To yeah. And I was in an Apple store

waiting for my fucking phone to get fixed. And I was in such a bad mood. But I was like, oh, waiting for my computer to get fixed. Your what? My computer. Oh, okay. Or something to get fixed.

And I just remember I was sitting on the Apple Store's laptop and I got a message from him saying I could do his show. It was like this sold out show for like 850 people and I just remember going, holy fuck holy fuck, oh my

god, and this guy runs over, watch your mouth dude, this is a family established unit. I was like okay, sorry. Apple Store! That's what he said, this is a family Established union I was like Okay sorry Apple stand This is a family business What the fuck He was furious And then

It's the guy that works there Yeah And it's like Yeah And like I mean honestly You can't say I mean

What am I gonna say Like oh I just got News I'm opening up For Hasan Minhaj Yeah yeah yeah But that's also the best Like cause the people It's like look I don't care what you And Nickihaj. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's also the best, like, because the people...

It's like, look, I don't care what you and Nicki Minaj do. Yeah. Get out. You're trash. Like, the people I work with, like, they know I do comedy and they love it and they think, like... It's funny because, like, a bunch of other school psychs have come to see me, but nobody, like, who...

But, you know, we don't work in the same buildings. Like, I really want, like, some of my coworkers to come see me, but, like, yesterday I was like, hey, Miss blah, blah, blah, you should come to my show tonight. And I work with mostly, like, black women. And she was like, what kind of crowd is it going to be? And I was like, what do you mean? She was like, is it going to be mixed?

I was like, do you mean are there going to be black people there? Yeah. And she was like, yeah. And I was like, do you mean there's going to be black people there? And she was like, yeah. And I was like, maybe? She was like, I don't know.

If you're there, there will be. I was like, my brother will be there. He looks black. Yeah, but no, they like it,

but they never come see me. But also, the kids know that I do stand up, the high school kids. And I was in a classroom one time and the teacher goes, hey, did you guys know Mr. Khan's a comedian? Oh, my God. Why would you tell black city high school kids? Because one, no way am I going to be funny to them.

Nope. No fucking way. All she did is tell the kids, don't find anything he says funny from here on out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. And then there were girls in the class like, that goofy ass bitch. Yeah. They were like, he's so boring. What did she say? Something to the equivalent that I'm so boring. Right. She said, you're so dull.

That's what she said. Literally, like, you're so dull. Dull hurts more than boring. Oh, for sure. And then she goes, tell us some jokes. And I was like, no, it doesn't work that way. Come on us some jokes. And I was like, no, it doesn't work that way. Come on, come on. And I was like, no.

She's like, come on, you got any videos? And I was like, dude, I'm not going to show you you're a kid. I'm not showing you my video. And then she goes, you probably tell white people jokes. And I was like, what are white people jokes? I was like, I don't know. You probably make jokes about the moon and stars that's incredible it's so funny because rory scoville does a joke about the moon it's one of my favorite bits ever i love the day moon bit yeah and i was like

yeah actually i pretty much do tell what people do i guess yeah. Yeah. And then so, yeah, people know that I do comedy. It's, it's fine. I don't care. Parents know that I do it. Yeah. It does suck when there's the thing of like,

oh, well, tell some jokes. That's the worst. I had it once where we're having a pizza party at work because we're adults and we were sitting.

Was this after the ice cream social? Yeah, exactly. We have those two. But so we were sitting like at a bunch of long tables, but for some reason the long tables were in a square. So everybody's kind of facing each other, and it was kind of weird. People were chatting a little bit, but I think people felt like they were on the spot because everybody was looking at each other. And this woman that I work with, who's nice but like kind of not all there she goes

uh well josh why don't you tell some jokes for us and mind you it's like 11 a.m and i'm like nah it's not really how it works yeah and she goes no just do some jokes and i'm like god no like there's a reason comedy clubs aren't open at 11 a.m. and they're not in conference rooms with fucking fluorescent lights. And then she does a third lap with me. And then she acted like I was the asshole. And I'm like, no, don't. And then she's like, oh, fine. I just thought you'd want to.

I'm like, no. How awkward that would be. God, so, like, flat and weird. Yeah, but I also have to be, like, I kind of have to, like, guard. I don't know, because I work with kids in schools that I have to, like, be careful of, like. You don't want a parent to see it. Can't a parent see it? Like, I can't, you know, like, talk about specifically what I do.

You ever, I think the people you work with are a little more real. So, you can fuck around but like being in an office culture I work with people that are like like most of mindless

not mindless but like that fake of like hey bum bum bum bum bum yeah yeah yeah it's like that professional front yeah yeah yeah exactly yeah

so professional front sounds like the worst punk rock band oh dude yeah but so I work with this

one chick, and she was just like... We're Professional Front. This is our first song. It's called Sensitivity Training. One, two, three. Actually, we're not going to start. Is that okay? Yeah. Alright, now just a fella. That's how you identify yourself.

Now for the people who identify as male. Yeah, that's fine. We got our album on sale called It's Going. Yeah, so, but she was just very, like, very, like, backhanded compliment,

kind of, like, shitty, and she would, like, say stuff where it's like she thinks she's being nice. She's like, well, when I do it, I do it this way. And we're basically saying, like, you're an idiot. Here's how I do it.

And one time, so the way our cubicles were set up was, like, there was, like, eight of us. So, like, two rows of four. And we were all talking about something and, like, working on some project. And somebody goes, like, oh, good job, Josh, because I have some project I was working on and i was like ah no big deal even a blind squirrel finds a nut right and i was like ha ha ha and then it kind of dies down and then uh this chick she goes well actually and i'm like fucking here we go i could just let it lay there yeah she goes wouldn't it be easier for a squirrel to find a nut because it's blind and its sense of smell is heightened and like before she's even done talking it's like all, all right, Cindy, how about we blind

you and see how fast you get a sandwich from the cafeteria? And she's like, a bigger gal too. Well, she's more likely to find a sandwich than a nut's day. Yeah. And then so like there's just kind of like people laugh and they're like, oh. And then I'm like i'm kidding but like you forget it's just like don't fucking come at me like i'll destroy you oh dude i fucking uh i had to make an apology uh when i worked at that shitty research job and i was still doing stand-up and uh um i used we used to have like you know like whenever people had birthdays we'd fucking there'd be a birthday card out and i would always just write something funny or like whatever

and my buddy klaus they were celebrating uh they were throwing like a baby shower for him and his wife and um and also they were doing a first birthday for his son. And I know his family. We're close. Me and Klaus used to hang out sometimes. And I guess I didn't know. It was like a fancy card. I didn't know how it worked.

And I ended up writing on the cover of it, like on the front. And I wrote something super shitty. It was like for his son's card and I wrote I wrote like hey Jonah I hope you something like I hope like you enjoyed your time in the Sun because no one's gonna care about you anymore now that you have a little brother or something like and and the woman who bought the card comes into my office and just starts yelling at me in front of all my co-workers

and was like you need to fix this and I was like well what the fuck do you want me to do here's a $1.39 buy a new car I went and spent money on this car I spent so much time picking out this car. And I was like,

lady, who gives a fuck? Like, he doesn't give a shit. And then when I told Klaus that, he got so mad at her. Right. And he was like, yeah, I read it and it was hilarious.

Right, right. And his wife thought it was super inappropriate that she did that and she made me cover it up with, like, stickers. Wow. Yeah. That is a good fix though oh totally but still so stupid yeah this is something special for me it's like bitch it's just a car yeah it's like I don't

give a fuck and then you have to like that's the worst part like you have to pretend to care about shit like at your job you're just like oh right yeah luckily my managers are like really cool yeah my first manager was just like a very by the book guy yeah i remember i like if i would go to the bathroom i would come back and there would be a sticky note on my desk it says like come see me and then there'd also be an email it says like come see me and then i'd have a voicemail like dude i was gone for like five minutes then it would be about like nothing you know and uh he would do that with other people too like make a big deal out of stuff i remember he's like we need to talk to larry where's larry's like uh i don't know he's away from his desk i'm sure he'll be back and then cut to uh his name was

mark mark's in the hall he's walking down the hall towards my desk he goes larry's in the hall. He's walking down the hall towards my desk. He goes, Larry's in the john. Yeah. Did you go hunt him down in the bathroom? He's going to come back. That's so funny. You know what? I like pushing the limit at my job. I think people would just get too uptight. You can't say that.

She's our boss. I'm like, no, dude. She's a normal person and she's hilarious. Right. I really like my boss at this job. That's cool. And she's, like, the head of, like, school psych. So I just, like, fuck with them all the time.

I was, like, running late to, like, a school psychologist. Like, all 150 of us were having, like, professional development in one place. And I was running late because I wanted to get coffee. And I was driving on the way over and I just took a selfie of me in the car with my coffee and I was like, I sent it, I emailed both of the top people who were ahead of school psychology. I was like, hey guys, can you just do me a favor and see if there's a microwave? I don't, like I got a coffee and it's just getting lukewarm and I want to heat it up

when I get there. And everyone's like, you can't do do that and they both thought it was like hilarious and then like and uh and then like so then my uh it was so funny my um supervisor like she likes being funny and she would come over to me my buddy miles and she would like tell us a joke like whisper it like as the speaker was speaking and if we laughed then she would say it out loud it was so funny like open mic yeah she was open micing us and then testing it out it was the best and like uh like in meetings i just dropped the f-bomb and stuff and everyone's like and then i went like dude she cusses too she says fuck all the time and then she goes i forgot what she said, but it was just like, yeah, nobody gives a shit.

Everyone, like, I hate how everyone pretends like they don't do shit at home. Yeah. But you have to feel it out, though. Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just think people are too cautious. I don't know. What do you feel like that the co-workers you work with don't have a life outside of work? Like, they have family,

they have work, and that's it. And they just seem to be the ones that are the most uptight? No, I, luckily, like, the crew that I work with is pretty good. And they seem to have their things, I guess. But, like, yeah, they're just kind of content, have kids, so they go to work, come home, go to Ravens games on Sunday and shit like that. So they have lives outside of their jobs.

Because I've worked in radio. I've never really worked offices. I've worked in radio, and we like that. So they have lives outside of their jobs. Because I've worked in radio. I've never really worked offices. I've worked in radio. And we have that office environment of like sales staff and, you know, like the people who schedule commercials and do all that kind of stuff. There's a whole office environment of those people that do payroll and stuff. And it's very much the cards and cake and fluorescent lights and cubicles. And those people are nothing like the rest of us that work in radio.

Yeah. You know, like they are the office drones and they're boring and they're – Right, right. They're just people. They might as well like work wherever. It doesn't matter. And it's all the same in the world. And occasionally us – occasionally Lady Gaga comes to the building and that's their most excitement.

Like they're the ones who are more excited for anyone than all of us in the business. Yeah. Yeah. As a real quick aside, uh, the lady Gaga, I think made me think of,

we went to, uh, Mount Vernon marketplace last night. It's like this like big, like wide open, uh, space, like a bunch of restaurants and bars and stuff.

And, we were grabbing a beer and I guess it was like right after happy hour. And the bartender, he, I swear to God, he had like a very like well-cropped beard. And all of it. Bedazzled. It wasn't bedazzled. It was like glitter. Yes, I saw him yesterday.

It was dyed. Yeah, two days ago. Yeah, it's like this like bright electric blue, and then like maroon on the side. It had glitter in glitter and stuff. And he was actually really nice. So we go up to the bar and he had just got done the rush. He was like, I'll be with you guys in one second. I just had to deal with all these people.

I was like, dude, no problem. I'm sure. Were you the only one? It was probably like fucking crazy. He's like, was it crazy? It was like rah, rah, rah, rah, rah. Then he goes, that's Lady Gaga. I was like, I don't have glitter in my beard, but I know that's Lady Gaga. I don't have glitter in my beard, but I know it's Lady Gaga.

I know the most popular song on the radio. I love how he's acting like he found some niche shit. That's Lady Gaga. He hipstered you. He hipstered you. I'm the most popular artist in America right now. I'm on that Lady Gaga tip, okay? Maybe you've heard of her.

She just did this thing called the Super Bowl halftime party. I don on that Lady Gaga tip, okay? Maybe you've heard of her. She just did, like, this thing called the Super Bowl halftime party. I don't know if you checked it out. Oh, speaking of putting, like, we were talking about putting your foot in your mouth at work. This year, I was in a meeting. So, like, a big part of my job is I do testing for special education to see if kids meet, like,

the requirements for, like, or the, like uh what the fuck is it i can like i just i don't know how to do my job yeah uh if they meet the if they meet eligibility for like things like adhd learning disabilities blah blah blah so his grandmother came in she was concerned so we had a meeting it was me the grandmother and the speech pathologist who is an orthodox jewish woman uh really nice and i work with a lot of orthodox jewish women i love it uh they're great and uh like two stories about that so like one actually just yes two days ago we're in a meeting it's two ma a mom a grandmother they're black and uh and then it's uh two jewish women uh they're not orthodox but they're black. And, uh, and then it's, uh, two Jewish women. Uh, they're not Orthodox, but they're Jewish. And, uh, and I kept cutting them off because our meetings just go

so long for no reason. And I know how to speed it up. I know just what you need to say. I can explain everything like easily to parents. And, uh, and then they gave me, they gave me shit for cutting them off. And I was like, sorry, sorry. And they're like, it's okay. We feel bad for him. He works with all women, like looking at the parents. And I was like, not only women, Jewish women. And I was like, they're going to mouth you.

And the black women were like, uh-oh, we got to get out of here. We're going to kill you. That was so funny. No, but they thought it was hilarious because like we're like really good friends

that's great and like we have such a good rapport that's awesome and then so that one went over well the other one okay

I thought we were on the same level not so much so uh me and the speech we talked to this grandmother

and uh um and the grandmother was like oh I didn't get your guys names what's your name and I was like oh I'm, and the grandmother was like, oh, I didn't get your guys' names. What's your name? And I was like, oh, I'm Umar. And she was like, what's your last name?

I'm not going to remember that. And I was like, Mr. Khan. And she was like, I'm going to call you Mr. C. I was like, oh, that's Mr. K. And so then the other woman says her name. It begins with a B. And she's like, you can just call me Mrs. B. And the grandmother was like, I'm not going to call you Mrs. B. Because that's how kids say, bitch. They're like, you're a B and she's like, you can just call me Mrs. B. The grandmother was like, I'm not going to call you Mrs. B

because that's how kids say bitch. They're like, you're a B. Then I was like, yeah, you know, she's having a rough day. I call her a real Mrs. Bitch. The grandmother thought it was hilarious and the woman was

pissed. She was like, and then this was her response. She was like, Mr. Khan thinks he's a comedian. Dang. This is bitch. I thought that was going to crush. It's so good because it was already established it means bitch. You're like, let me just go one step further. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You explicitly said it. Yeah. I just like, I think like sometimes like when you do that, let me just go one step further. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You explicitly said that. Yeah. I just like, I think like, sometimes like, when you do that, it like, puts parents at ease.

Like, oh, this dude's real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's, that's an interesting thing

because I've noticed a difference moving the, starting comedy here and then moving to Boston. Uh-huh. We are such a diverse city here compared to everyone else in the world.

Oh, fuck Boston. No, I love Boston comedy. The scene is great. Everyone there is super nice. Yeah, you compared to everyone else in the world. Oh, fuck Boston. No, I love Boston comedy. The scene is great. Everyone there is super nice. Yeah, you came to visit a few months ago. Yeah, I did twice, two separate years. The scene is awesome.

It is a tough crowd to figure out. Oh, yeah. They're very liberal and uptight about a lot of things, which is interesting. Yeah, that's how D.C. is. See, I've always loved D.C. Every time I go to DC, everything I do always seems to go over better. Really?

But I can see how it could be a little more uptight and liberal. I don't push boundaries. I don't really say that many offensive things now. Before when I started, we all started saying offensive shit, but do you as Baltimore Comics, do you guys as Baltimore Comics, when you go into other cities,

do you find that like, like yeah because we we have diversity we work amongst black people jewish people different people like well across the spectrum yeah like working in baltimore city is a lot different than working in baltimore county and there's a reason for that uh because we have different ethnicities going actually i, I would say Baltimore County is actually more diverse than the city. I think diversity here means white and black. Do you know what I mean? But I get what you're saying. There's a broader spectrum of people in the county than the city. But we work amongst people of color.

I've been saying for a long time in Boston. I'm from Baltimore. We live amongst our black people. Boston, they hide them away. Yeah. So it's like people in Boston are like, oh, Dennis is from Baltimore we live amongst our black people Boston they hide them away yeah so it was like people in Boston was like

oh Dennis is from Baltimore he hung around real black folk yeah they call them folk when white people call black people

folk that's terrible no it was black people who say that oh really the black people was like oh no no Dennis is like

legit Dennis knows about legit black people like me and guys talk about trap houses like it's second nature. And like everyone's asking why you wear a do-rag inside. I'm like, so you don't get lines in your head. I know that.

I think the difference between like even D.C. I think Boston is more uptight than D.C. And I think the difference is like Boston is a – well, there's also a lot of transplants in Boston. Yep. Huge. And that's what makes Boston the liberal good city is, in my opinion. People who come there for work or who come there from college and stay are the liberals because the rest of Massachusetts might as well be the south with a different accent. And so that's the thing.

I've only been in Boston in the summer, so those kids weren't there. So I think I was performing to those – the Boston kind of people. And the thing is, is they they are liberal but they're like racist still and then so they don't want to look racist so a lot of my material i was doing i talk about race and i think it made them uncomfortable or mad and so it took me a while to figure out like oh okay yeah they're liberal but they're like those liberals who don't hang out with like other people who hang out with like the worst type the worst i'm upset on behalf of them yeah these people i don't see exactly and so that's what i think the

issue is right like yeah i think that's what i felt to me but democrats in the south are fucking racist like they're fucking pieces of shit sometimes and it's like anywhere there's pieces of shit everywhere to think that the North is this beacon of sensitivity and openness I grew up in the county

Baltimore and Maryland is very liberal and I remember my friend's parents I grew up with all white people in the county and uh um it was like like my friend one of my friend's mom was like i wouldn't say she was racist but she was definitely prejudiced and definitely had like yeah maybe some i don't know she was scared of like black people and her kids like taking up that culture actually most of the like – so that's why a lot of the kids got sent to private schools because they didn't want their kids going to school with black kids. Which is like they'll say shit like, well, they're better at school.

It's like no school that teaches creationism over evolution is a better school. Oh my god. They were going to schools like that? Yeah. See, I went to better school. Oh my God. They were going to schools like that? Yeah. See, I went to Catholic school. I went to Catholic school and I went to public school and I started sex ed education early,

like sixth grade. We had a little bit of sex ed education in Catholic school, fifth grade. And then sixth grade in middle school and public school when I switched to public school,

we had it. And I find out that I had the most liberal, well-taught schools because we never taught creationism. They taught religion and stuff like that, but they still taught us evolution there a little bit. We had a really in-depth sex ed classes in public school. And when I hear about the things that other people have, I'm like, how did you not learn the ram's head or something like that?

Yeah. No, I remember my sex ed. It was – they only talked about abstinence. Abstinence was the only sex ed. the Rams head or something you know yeah we uh no I remember my sex head it was uh they only talked about um abstinence abstinence was the only sex head

see we did not my teachers were all about they were pro-condom because Eastern where you grew up is kind of conservative right

yeah and it seemed like they were just using like a way outdated thing like we watched a movie from like the 70s to explain sex

excuse me whoa that's crazy and it was it was actually really funny because so it's like this kid, he has a wet dream, right?

Yeah. But he wakes up and he's like, oh no. Like he lifts up his blanket and there's just a flood coming out.

I swear to God at the foot of his bed it looks like somebody pissed on it. He's like, it happened again. Like, what did you like

come out of your toe? Dude, I think you can find that shit on YouTube now. Yeah, because it was amazing, too. Because, so it was, like, everything after that, too, was, like, this heightened extreme. Yeah. So he's, like, trying to wash the sheets because he's all embarrassed.

And his mom's going, he's like, no, don't come back. Like, he's washing. Then he gets to school. Oh, my God. And he's at his locker. And he's, like, getting shit out of his locker. And this girl comes up behind him. She's like, hey, Billy.

And he's like, no. And he, like, leans into the locker. What? And she's like, you're being weird. He's like, shit out of his locker and this girl comes up behind and she's like hey Billy He's like oh, he's like he like leans into the locker. She's like you're being weird He said well see you later his friends like what was that? He's like I got a boomer like just Just her saying like hi, and he's like oh no and so he's all confused about sex and then his class goes on They got a field trip to the zoo Yeah And there's there's the animals are having sex. And the guy, one of the guys that works there,

he sees that the kid's confused. And the kid like asked a question. And the fucking guy that's like cleaning up the pens, he like has this broom and he's like, I've seen a lot of sex in my day. It was so weird. It was so weird. Yo,

that is, I remember seeing something like that. We're talking about wet dreams and not really getting. I've never had one. Ever? Nope. Neither have I. What? Oh my God.

But they made it sound, they made it sound like in school that it was like, it's going to happen tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's going to happen every day until you have sex. Dude, I, okay, so I remember, you know, talking about wet dreams and, like, my, I had a, so we used to hang out with my friend's older brother. He was, like, four years older than us. And he's, like, the one, like, he showed us, like, Playboys when we were, like, fourth grade and stuff.

Like, it was really cool. Like, and, like, he, we, I remember, like, he, like. It was really cool. Yeah. We, I remember, like, I took a puff of a cigarette in fourth grade like and i felt so guilty about it oh yeah i was like that too i remember i stole something and oh dude i like yeah yeah it wrecked me i was like oh who even am i i like remember like wanting yeah i had such a conscious like conscience when i was young and i mean i still do but i uh i

remember like we had a sleepover, and I woke up, and my, like, shorts were soaked. And I was like, hell yeah, I had a wet dream, dude. So I'm, like, telling everyone I had a wet dream. And they're like, how do you know? And I was like, yeah, well, I woke up, and my shorts were soaked. They're like, okay. And my friend's older brother was like, what do you mean soaked?

And I was like, yeah, they were just, like, completely wet. And he was like, dude, you pissed yourself. I was, like, like he was like dude you pissed yourself and then who wants to touch my dreams speaking of like having a conscious like used to, I thought masturbating because I grew up in a Muslim household I thought it was gross and dirty and you're not supposed to do it even though I think I was an atheist I just felt like my parents would not be proud of me

if I did it, so I didn't masturbate until I was 16 Wow, that's super late Yeah, I did it a couple times and then I just stopped because I would masturbate and I literally would shower afterwards because like i would masturbate and i would like i literally would shower afterwards because i felt so gross about it wow yeah i masturbated like super early on but not knowing it yeah and like i remember uh what do you mean not know you thought you'd like

invented a new game yeah i was it was at uh um at daycare like i didn't come or anything, but when we had nap time, I remember we're sleeping on the cots and I like, I would be on my stomach. Dry hump the cots? Not dry humping, but I would just kind of like rock back and forth on my dick.

And I was like, this feels great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to do something similar when I was a kid and to tell about, I don't know how old I was, but I remember Twin Peaks was on the air. Okay. That's't know how old I was, but I remember Twin Peaks was on the air.

Okay. That's how young I was. Yeah. Because I remember Twin Peaks. I was not old enough to watch it. I should not have been watching it,

but I totally was. Yeah. I remember, you know, getting a boner as a kid and not knowing what it was and like laying there in bed and just like,

like flexing my boner muscle and watching my pants move and I remember getting up and going, look, I can move things without my hands. I'm a fucking god. Look at this.

I can move my pants without using my hands. Yeah, that's awesome. That was crazy. I think back to, like, it must have been so obvious what I was doing on that cot, too. I'm just like, ooh, this is my little seat. And I was like, what does this kid do? Like, so obviously. Just rolling around on his boner. Yeah, exactly. And then so, yeah, so I didn't start masturbating until I was like, what does this kid do? Like, so obviously. Just rolling around on his boner.

Yeah, exactly. And then so, yeah, so I didn't start masturbating until I was 16. So there, and I am not, like, exaggerating at all. Like, you need to cum. Like, you have to release, like, your body. I hope that's all he puts in for you. Like, so where do you work at? You need to cum.

Yeah. That's what you got. You got to put all that in. Yeah. Yeah, like anytime, like you, like,

Umar, so what is it? Like, you need to come. Like, every time it's the same clip. Where'd you go to school? You need to come.

I, so I wasn't masturbating and I remember being in 10th grade and I had a wet dream every night for literally a month. Yeah, see, a wet dream every night for literally a month

what every night and it was like a nightmare because it was just like fuck and I like

I remember just having like I went through so many boxers and it's like my parents are gonna know and then so I stopped sleeping

without boxers and then I even thought about like stealing my parents condoms and just sleeping with condoms on. Because it was so humiliating.

And that's when I learned how to do my own laundry, which is still pretty late 10th grade. But like, yeah, because I was like, I had to wash my sheets and shit. Like, oh, it was a nightmare. Now all I'm picturing

is a Trainspotting-esque scene of you coming down the steps with your sheets going, oh, here, I'll wash them. You're like, no, no, I got it. No, here, I'll do it for you. And then I just... But then once I started masturbating and watching porn, I was like, oh, this is

dope. Why did I hate fuel? And then as soon as I started dating a girl around that same time, and she was really self--conscious and she was like you don't watch porn do you and I was like sometimes she's like and then she like started legit crying

which should have been an immediate like oh this person is fucked and I was like okay I'll stop I'll stop and then like our whole three year relationship I just lied to her and I was like watching porn like every day like what kind of insane my last girlfriend did the same thing and I was like watching porn like every day. Like what kind of insane? My last girlfriend did the same thing and I was like are you crazy?

I can't watch porn? Yeah the other night I was Karen's like I'm tired. I was like but I wanna I wanna fuck. She's like just jerk off. I'm like next to you? She's like I'm tired. I have never done that. And I was like well I mean I have to like nah I'm not gonna do that. She's like why? I was like cause I'd have to watch

porn. It would be so awkward. Yeah, I've never done that. I've never watched porn. What does this podcast turn into? Yeah, it really devolves. Yeah, it devolves from work. Yeah, well, I was just going to let you, basically all I try to do with the podcast is I throw a couple questions out and I let the person go and see where it takes it.

And the last question, because I know you've got to go, it's Friday night, so we've got things to do and you've you gotta go pick up your girlfriend girlfriend I'm not wrong for thinking that because last night we ran into each other with her

it was her right yeah I was getting tacos because I was doing Charm City last night they were going to Golden West to get something to eat and you said we have a place up around the same.

So I assume if you're getting a place with somebody, it's probably a serious business. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I mean, we're together, but we're not. Okay, fair enough. You haven't done it yet. No. You haven't done the scary part yet. Got it.

But last question to talk about jobs, especially with you, because you have the whole summer break. And you don't have, what do you have? Two weeks vacation time from work? It's pretty good. We get a good amount of leave. I think it's two weeks or maybe a little more but then you have, since I work for the government, you have the national holidays which are nice and then also I'm off every other Friday

for my schedule. I still work 80 hours over two weeks but it's super flexible and then I can work from home two days a week now, too. But do you guys feel that you have to use that time up for comedy? Do you think it's better

to put the better use to do comedy? Wait, what do you mean? Your vacation time. I like it when summer's off. Do you feel like the pressure of summertime is like, I need to go do more shows outside of Baltimore. I need to go do the road while I have this free time.

I think I used to. I think like, I just look at comedy differently. I think, I don't know. I, I'm not really sure

what I want to do with it anymore. So no, I don't have that pressure at all. Yeah. It's kind of, I'm kind of at a spot

where it's like, work smarter, not harder. Like where it's like, you know, initially you're like, I gotta do five or six sets a week. I used to of at a spot where it's like work smarter not harder like where it's like you know initially you're like I gotta do five or six sets a week

I used to do that a lot and so yeah same here and I still will do that but now I'm like I'm not gonna kill myself to do that like if I don't have any

like new bits that I'm excited about like why get out there like drive because we go to DC a lot yeah most like we're mostly in DC

for the most part just because the shows down there are incredible like I mean the scene like Jim are incredible. Like the scene, like Jim Jeffries popped into the big hunt last night. Yeah. I saw people posting about that. I was like,

uh, I was trying to get there this weekend. I don't think so. And that's honestly the thing. It's like, uh, that's like, I don't think I would ever need to like relocate or get my name out in New York.

Cause that shit is, it doesn't matter for the most part. I think though think just the way everything is, like, entertainment is going it's, you're not really going to make a name from stand-up anymore. Yeah, most of the people, like, you know, you'll see it from working at

clubs, like, some people can be the funniest fucking people walking the planet, but they don't have a TV show, or they're just, like, a middle-aged white guy, and, you know, so, like, the industry doesn't really fuck with them. Yeah, totally. So, people that quote-unquote make it or on tv are funny but they're not necessarily like the funniest comedian so there's no way it's like you're the funniest person now showbiz is going to shepherd you up you know the mountain and so for me it's like you get to you work with enough cool people in the scene between Baltimore and D.C.

Yep. And then national headliners come through. And if they like you, they'll be like, hey, if I come back through, you can do a guest spot. Yeah. And that's how I got lucky working with Kurt Bromler. And he was like, hey, if you're ever in L.A., come do my show. And I was like, fucking A. I'll go out there just for that.

And I'm sure you have that, too, if, like, Hasan comes back. Judah asked me to open for him like when he's coming back from 30 rock and like that's fucking awesome yeah i think like stuff like that is cool and then also i don't know like there i remember like yeah even like like the last two three years just going to dc two three times a week doing two mics a night and like i was like i think one summer i was averaging eight shows a week and it's just like two a night yeah and then but like i can't like now that i work full time because i was in grad school and now that i'm like working and it's just like i don't know it's just nice to like enjoy life and actually like do things other than comedy yeah like be

a human being like yeah i'm like oh i'm gonna make dinner and watch yeah do laundry and like yeah tonight i'm just gonna hang out with the chick i've been seeing and it's like i'm excited about her and it's like cool because like usually i go do like i would go like be a big hunt on friday or like you know so it's like i just yeah yeah it's fuck comedy yeah to bring it back to jobs too it's like I'll be 31 this year I have a good job I have good job security so I kind of am

in that gilded cage of like I could move to New York or LA but I would not do it to like just do comedy no way

I need a job oh yeah I like shit like I know people that are like yeah I just moved to New York and I don't know

like Lafayette had I think he had like, yeah, I just moved to New York. And I don't know. Like, Lafayette had, I think he had like $1,000 to his name or something. That's retarded. Oh, insane. And like, I couldn't do that, man. Like, I like nice shit. Me too. I like going to restaurants and not worrying about how much shit costs. I love spending.

Yeah, I love being able to just fucking spend money and not think about it. We sound like soap operas right now. I don't. I don't give a fuck. But it is so nice to be like. It's so nice. Oh, that beer is $8? I don't give a fuck.

Don't give a fuck. Let me get that. It's just nice. Like, yeah, that's why I know that, like, me, quote, unquote, making it is, whatever that means, is not going to happen. Because I cannot live shitty. Like, I can't live shitty. I can't live shitty. And I also think about getting old too. It's like, okay, so I'm 30.

I better start fucking saving. You're going to have to retire. That's what people don't realize. You are going to be retired for a long fucking time. I don't want to be fucking working when I'm that old. And I haven't figured out how to make the trust fund solvent yet. We are in trouble. We are in trouble.

We are in trouble. So we might not even have money to retire on. So I'd say yeah, you know, make sure you're okay and then pursue your art and stuff like that too. I mean, that's what it works for me. It's like that balance of like, okay, I would be

a shit comedian if I was stressed about eating all the time, I think. You know what I mean and i think well that's another i think the reason like i think having a job where you have stability yeah like health benefits and all that shit like we can drive to dc all the time now think about how much gas money it's gonna cost like not having to worry about getting rides not having to worry about getting rides not having to worry about taking off work cause like if I want I can call out the next day and it's not

gonna be like the biggest deal in the world yeah you can't do it all the time but like if I get offered a cool ass show I'm gonna fucking call out I don't give a shit yeah so I think having a job does allow me

to be to do comedy smarter yeah cool alright guys that was good glad we got this

knocked out that was a lot of fun man thank you Dick Russian Sessions coming to an end Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah