The Digression Sessions - Ep. 220 - Josh & Umar!

Episode Date: June 5, 2017

Hola Digheads, this week host and comedian Josh Kuderna and his roomie / tenant, / fellow comedian Umar Khan, catch up on their weekends and bitch about inconsequential stuff like getting food at cafes.   Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, and Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on iTunes, Google Play Music & Stitcher plz!

I did a bunch of shows about Cheetah and stuff. Well, let's do it, huh? Let's do it. Welcome to the Digressions pod. Digressions podcast? Digressions pod. Hey man, you're shortening it. What, uh... Our podcast is like aions pod. Hey, man, you're shortening it.

What? Our podcast is like a pie crust. It needs shortening. It's a pod crust. Pod crust. Pod crust. Hey, everybody. Josh Koderna here.

Welcome to the Digressions sessions. How are you? Sitting here with my roomie, my second favorite tenant. Hell yeah. And my good buddy and co-host, Mr. Umar Khan. Hello. Who, yeah, so there's a little ketchup sesh here in our palatial kitchen. Yeah.

And I was just about to say, speaking of saying dumb things last night, when you were like, what? Oh, no. You said, what did you say? No, it was this morning, right? Was it this morning? I don't remember, but I said, dude, check out this kid's first name because he had an interesting first name. And I was like, and check out his second name. But I meant to say last name.

You're like, what's his second name? And I was like, I don't know. You're like, oh, last name. I've been having too many good times. Too many good times, bro. But that's okay. I think it's affecting my memory. Well, yeah.

Or brain functioning. Either or. Yeah. Either or. but that's okay. I think it's affecting my memory. Well, yeah. Or brain functioning. Either or. Yeah. Either or, nothing good's happening. Nothing good. I think good things are happening. I'm more laid back. Yeah.

I appreciate life more. Good times in your disposition. Yeah, but I think there is, you know, there are things that you're sacrificing when you're having good times. Sure, but what are you gaining? Cool, sublime posters. Yeah. LED lights. Okay. Yeah. LED lights.

Okay. Yeah. No, LED. What are the purple lights that you can see come on your bed? Yeah, that's how they sell them. They're called black lights. It's like this is one of the features.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Check for cum stains that aren't yours. Do you want to see all the cum over the years? Remember that show Room Raiders on MTV where other people... Yes. It was like you would go through the room and then you decided who you wanted to date based on their room. Yeah, I think it was like a close cousin of Next in a way. So it was like the guy or the girl could look in the bedroom of three different

chicks yeah or dudes how come no one ever found like drugs or weapons or of course because it's all set up it's not like that you know it's like we're gonna come to your house tomorrow you know like yeah it's not like they like even pretended to kidnap them like this person has like no idea what's happening there's like a boom mic and a camera in their stupid face they're just smiling the whole time yeah yeah that's why it's always like whenever they're like we surprise this person at their house it's like why do you have footage of them answering the door from the inside it's like there's a camera crew hanging out thank god and then we surprised it'd be so great they found like child pornography on someone's hard drive yeah really if it was somebody's room it would just be like crusty towels and like the especially the dude's room so you're trying to date like a 17 year old guy he's just like

wow my room's so clean what are the odds no come anywhere geez uh, my room's so clean. What are the odds? No cum anywhere. Jeez. Very soft. It sucks. It's so clean. Yeah, man. So, yeah. So, this is our podcast for the week. We released two over the weekend.

How was your week? Hey, buddy. How was my week? It was pretty good. Yesterday, and I'm still recovering from it, ended up at a Guatemalan two-year-old Guatemalan girl's birthday party. A Euro Guatemalan? No. Oh, a two-year-old

Guatemalan. Got it. Sorry, two-year-old. Dos años. Cool, man. As she would say. Are you going to go back for her quinceanera? Well, the plan is to go every year now. Oh, okay. She's okay like why are these weird white people uh so it was uh carrie hit you up for like a college college loan yeah um i'm there for like when she's going to prom you take care of her do i know her name no way

not a chance they give you a shirt that just says white night gringo night it's gringo a term for is that a way to say white oh i thought it was blanco oh well blanco like that means white but gringo is like american like white america got it but uh yeah yeah so it was uh karen's friend lauren's husband he works with a guy at a restaurant and he was like hey we're having a party and uh come over bring some friends it didn't indicate that it was a little girl's birthday party amazing so we show up and uh lauren's husband john is like yeah we came here last year for a party it was amazing they just like make tons and tons of food

it was just like chicken steak ribs all of it like just continuous and so we're like all right cool well fine i guess i'm just gonna eat a bunch of meat today and we show up and there's these pink and white balloons and then like the tables have like so cool frozen on there and stuff so like this is a little kid's party like they didn't even know that it was a little girl's party so like for a minute there was just us sitting in a driveway drinking corona with like these guatemalan people we don't know but they were so cool whenever they brought out food like we got it first they brought us beer and stuff oh damn yeah it was really really nice that's nice they broke up a pinata and of course we're all like kind of buzzed i'm like man life's pretty beautiful it's pretty nice that's cool man that's awesome what was in the

pinata um here's the thing uh gringo blood that's where it got weird that's where it got weird shit it turned into like uh a weird spinoff of uh uh what was that fucking get out get out yeah yeah they're just like uh could you leave we're like yeah yeah sure no we get it we get it we're out of here uh yeah it was just like candy and so then when we left we got goodie bags too like that you would give a little kid like a frozen your experience is it's funny your experience at like because you're probably like one of the few white people there yeah well it was like maybe like four or five of us maybe it was like six at one point, yeah.

But that's just like me every party, bro. Every party, I'm like, well, these white people, they let me go last every time they serve food. You know, they all wanted to test it out, make sure it wasn't poison. Yeah, they want to get their fill. Yeah, they were so sweet. They were so nice to give me their scraps. Hardly anybody spit on me they

had a little table just for me in the corner no it's just funny like uh i don't think people realize that like uh if you're like a black person and you have like a master's degree the chances of you being the only black person in your place of work are so high right and then uh like but like i don't think because it's like just normal right so like white people sometimes don't get like oh why are they being so weird about you know yeah yeah like because i invited a co-worker of mine to a comedy show and she was like uh she asked me she's like what kind of people are gonna be there or she said what's the audience gonna be like and i was like uh what do you mean she's like well it's gonna be mixed and i was like what are they gonna be black do you mean are there gonna be black people there she dragged her thumb across her throat yeah and she was like yeah i don't want to be

the only black person there i was like well yeah just don't come because it is my show yeah i tend to attract that gringo audience yeah uh yeah yeah it was uh i think i think booze helped with that too and that it was like booze oh like having like being like a little like yeah you know everybody's kind of drinking and also it was like i guess it'd be different if it was just like a party party but it was like a little kids party so it wasn't like and everybody was just so cool they just came over like ribs more ribs it's like no please stop amazing stop uh Oh, God, that sounds amazing. Stop. And yeah, they're all just like dancing and having fun and being really nice.

It was cool, man. But yeah, I was like, well, another victory for the white man, huh? We did it. We did it. But yeah, I know what you mean. I mean, I only can experience it on like the lowest levels and stuff. Like sometimes I'll stop at a grocery store on the way home that's a shop, right?

And it's like in an all black neighborhood. And I'm like, I'm always the only white guy in there. And they're like, it's not even like... You throw some like hot Cheeto bags in your car to let them know you're cool. Yeah. Like I put it on the ground. I'm like, easy, easy. And you're just like, oh, I left my food stamps at home.

Gosh, don't you hate when that happens, sir? Oh, no. Let me buy some prepaid. You just buy prepaid minutes you don't need. Oh, I can never get enough hot sauce. And we're racist. Let him smell my hand. I'm okay.

It's okay. boy like sir i'm just your cashier but yeah it's it's like it's just a thing where you just like i i think like even if they're not being weird you're like oh this is kind of weird i'm the only like person most time people don't think about it yeah you know they don't like they i don't think they're like there's a white people here i think they're just like oh they're guests and we should treat them nice exactly and that's why i thought it was actually like i don't know it was just really pretty it was like out as yeah like this house kind of in the middle of nowhere on the pennsylvania line and it was like god they're so fucking hell yeah they're like all all right, now, Josh, you got to do a tight five. I go up there. I'm like, hola.

Donde esta mis amigos? Yo soy Josh. They're like, uh-huh, uh-huh. Donde esta chicas? Donde chicas de negro? No. That'd be cool a deaf jam hispanic comedian i just be like don't they start little biblioteca man where that biblioteca at y'all gotta stop hiding that biblioteca come on y'all i love that those are the sentences they

teach you yeah like if i'm traveling in a spanish-speaking country the last thing i'm gonna ask for is where the fucking library is well you know you go there and then you establish that that's where that is that's your mile marker uh i'll uh he's probably listening but uh when we went to uh uh cuba over the summer me scott and mike my buddy scott who is uh just on the dual podcast we have yeah the baltimore voice he uh he uh we were we were in cuba and like everybody speaks spanish for the most yeah not a lot of uh english and uh we were trying to get a cab ride somewhere and uh the cab driver did not speak english like hardly at all and so scott was like trying to communicate with him and like the few spanish words he knew and then eventually he was speaking in english but with like kind of like oh no vague like spanish accent he's like we want to go to it probably happens like cab driver like all the time

yeah yeah he probably has like an instagram page of videos of him like well i don't know man cuba is like a little cut off i mean besides like you don't think that social media i think they yeah they do they do but it's like they might have one of those restricted internets like china i think they do but apparently they all like download everything too. Like everything's like on USB drives and stuff too. Like pirated stuff. Yeah, yeah. And like the black or the...

I always call it the black internet. The dark internet. The African-American internet. The dark web. Yeah, exactly. Listen, we're going to share water fountains, but we are not... Well, it's not black Twitter. It's not dark Twitter.

You know? Dark Twitter sounds weirder. I like dark... Black, dark Mark Twitter. That should be his. Every time I talk about dark Mark, people are like, what the fuck? And I'm like, that's just how I refer to him as. And everyone's like, dude, just call him Mark unless you're bringing up our friend. Yeah.

I guess his stage name is Dark Mark. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think Mark Joyner, though. Yeah. That's a strong name. It's a good name. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think Mark Joyner. Mark Joyner, though? Yeah. That's a strong name.

It's a good name. Yeah. He's been on the show. Yeah. I always make the joke of like, when you're bringing him up, it's like, all right, Dark Mark, everybody. And then a big black guy comes up and the crowd's like, what? Why are you calling that?

Yeah, exactly. It'd be like, all right, get up here, Polak Pete. Yeah. Come on. He's Polish. He likes it. He wants us to call him that. Well, it's also funny, too, because when I'm like, he's like, yeah, I know everyone thinks it's a black thing.

It's because I'm black, but it's because the content of my material. And it's like, yeah, you should change that because everyone thinks you're the black thing. Everyone's just like, okay, there's a big black dude on stage. A hundred percent. Like, yeah, you should change that because everyone thinks the black thing. Everyone's just like, okay, there's a big black dude on stage. A hundred percent. Like, okay. Because I know you call yourself Dark Mark, but I'm not going to do that. Yeah. Mr. Mark?

Yeah. It really, it's like if we were bringing a bum on stage in like the 1950s. You know? Exactly. Ribbing him. And speaking of bringing people up on stage we did a fair amount of that over the past weekend did we not oh my god we not too many shows did we did we not umar yeah how were you you did we did thursday together yeah that was that was really

fun man that was so good uh ramin got really uh ramin headline he crushed but there was did you notice that moment got really intense i didn't uh he was making fun of an audience member and uh the guy who was like super fucking drunk yeah i mean i i went up second and that guy was like already passed out he was drinking he works at joe square oh no before the show started he wasn't working that night right he was clearly drunk and he was just like falling asleep and like getting up and coming back yeah and then i guess ramin was just making fun of him and this couple got mad yeah he was like making fun of him i guess because you're like taking advantage of something but not really i mean the guy you're drunk in the

front yeah and he wasn't being a dick it's like he was just fucking gone because yeah even during my set like he was asleep literally like passed out for all of it and then the last word i said he comes to he goes sauce all right buddy is that so disconcerting when you look in the audience and you see someone sleeping i saw uh her buddy luke who used to be a comedian here he uh he went to the bilber bilber taping when he taped his special in dc in dc a couple years ago and uh he had like just broken with his girlfriend he got super drunk and he had front row tickets and he was passed out he never saw bilber come on stage and he passed out. And then could you imagine like you're taping a special and there's some asshole passed out in the front row? I think you can kind of tell when somebody's like drunk passed out though. Like this guy, you could tell like he was just like slumped over and he was like out.

Like people were laughing. I just can't believe somebody would get mad at someone making fun of a drunk person. That's so weird. And in the most innocuous way. I got booed at the Judah show. Oh, really? One of my jokes got booed. No way.

Yeah. Oh, real quick. I was going to say, I think the person that complained is probably drunk, too. You think so? You know what I mean? Because then you're like inhibitions. You're like, hey, that's fucked up. No, I don't think they were.

It was just like this couple. Yeah. It was so weird. Yeah. I hope they are dead. Yeah. They don't think they were it was just like this couple yeah it was so weird hmm yeah i hope they are dead yeah they don't come back no i'm kidding no i i hope they're dead i mean i don't care listen they're probably white and so it's hard for me to say this but i hope they die too yeah i got booed at the judah i uh i opened up for judah friedlander this weekend yeah uh you know from 30 rock and uh and the hats 30 rock and hats he loves hats i bought his book a long time ago when it came out it's really funny what book

uh it's sort of like a book of pictures i think it's called how to beat up anybody oh i remember that yeah yeah yeah it's pretty good he's super cool before the show he was like hey you want to get some voodoo more and uh i was like yeah sure and he's like yeah let's go this little mexican mart i went to last time he really wanted to get like tamales or something what are those like those like things wrapped in like cornmeal or yeah i think that's a tomatoes or tamales i think that might be an epinata whatever one of those things and we had such a language barrier with a lady because I didn't want chicken. I just I didn't want to eat meat that day.

Yeah. And like it was just so fun watching Judo Friedlander try to speak Spanish to a woman. He's like, ah, pollo. Yeah. It's like, eh, y queso. And then we ended up both just getting chicken. Like they were both chicken. Yeah.

Imagine being in a country where it's like that all the time yeah that's where you end up being like i want a taco yeah but with just veg yeah we're the only not hispanic people in that store we looks ridiculous that's awesome but then uh at the show i just told a joke where uh it was about like men and women like who pays on first dates and i said like clap if you think women should not have to pan for states and there's a bunch of people clapping yeah sure all these dumb broads oh dingy broads yeah these dumb broads and uh and then uh the punch line is like if you voted for bernie and you think women should pay on the first date you're what's wrong with america and deserve Trump. And people started booing.

And then people started cheering and clapping over the boos. It was funny. Like I played it off. Everyone told me they weren't booing me. They're just booing the idea of Trump. What a very unsettling feeling to be on stage and like 230 people are booing. You're just like, what the fuck is happening right now? Yeah, totally. booing you're just like what the fuck is happening right now yeah totally well it's just it's also

like the audience that you were performing for is like super liberal super white yeah so it's like just bringing like just saying trump's name like you'd be like i fucking hate trump yeah yeah and then judah went up and just his like whole act is just shitting on trump's administration it was so good really yeah i mean it's just like crowd work and him just shitting on trump's administration it was so good really yeah i mean it's just like crowd work and him just shitting on yeah there's a 15 year old boy in the audience really and he asked him what he did and the boy goes uh i mow the lawn awesome and judo was like i'm gonna give you a hug after the show. He's like, that was the most sincere answer. Yeah, like, what do you do on this earth? I mow the lawn.

I mow the lawn. Yeah, so it was a good show. I saw his mom was there. It was a really good show. His mom and brother were there. Yeah, it was great, man. Yeah, because he's from Silver Spring, right? It's Gaithersburg.

Yeah, Creative Alliance is a dope venue, man. Oh, yeah. It's so fun. They know how to put on a show. What about you? Where were you? What did I do? I think this weekend I just had the Fr the fringe fest thing which you also did and

yeah we got to share uh co-hosting duties with the great aaron hankin of wypr and baltimore block out of the blocks um it was pretty funny a couple people recognized him which is great like he's yeah oh yeah local celebrity for sure and uh the last act so we co-hosted the fringe fest so it was a bunch of different acts and uh the last act was uh these people that like god do you know that show prairie home companion no it was it's like what is oh it sounds familiar but it's it's like. What is, oh, it sounds familiar, but I don't. It's like the, one of the whitest things. Like as far as like, just like, it's like an NPR show. And God, I forget who is the host of it. What the fuck is his name?

God, but it's just like, I remember growing up. Growing up, it was an easier time. And then you hear like guitar come in. And then there's like little like sound in the back. So they did that about um arabers in baltimore which are like people that had horses and then the horses would have like fruit on them and stuff so they're like telling a story and they're telling it through like uh like pieces of paper that they show like uh had a light on the back of it so you can kind of see the whole thing almost like a puppet thing yeah yeah yeah exactly and it was all about that of like i remember the arabers they were like santa

but better and then like a guitar would come in yeah like some guy was making like a clip clop noise but when she started her thing she goes wow what a night it's been a it's been a great night because they were last she's like so many uh great performers and uh wow we got introduced by ypr's Aaron Hankin. Oh, my God. It's like, all right. And some guy with braces. And I was like, what about me, cut?

It's so funny. Introduced by, I hate that soft spoken voice. That's why I can't go to yoga or meditation. I just think it's like fake. Well, that's what the whole thing was, too, of just like the story was just like, it's like fake well that's what the whole thing was too of just like the story was just like it's like okay like the arabers used to come around and you would get fruit from them and then like but the thing was like we were poor but we were happy wow what a time yeah it's just so precious i think it's what uh it is like a fun narrative that like rich uh or that like i guess

like people who feel weird about their privilege they like to think that like when you're poor you have a better perspective on life yeah yeah maybe or maybe you're just wrought with so much mental illness you have no idea what the fuck is happening people are so goddamn dumb actually like you have to uh actually like uh like uh i think there was like a social psych experiment or just like a statistic that said like, yeah, obviously money doesn't make you happier. Right, right. But there is a like a certain amount you need to make to get to a certain level of happiness. You know what I mean?

Like once you make more than that, you're not happy. But that does definitely help you be happy because when you're broke all the time life just sucks oh a thousand percent yeah i think the statistic is like over a certain amount of money there's not much difference exactly so i think it was like 50 000 for one person yeah yeah or or yeah whatever it is it like makes you comfortable but it's so much better it's not like the whole money buys you happiness and it's like but it's a lot fucking easier it's life is way easier but yeah it's just that whole perspective that whole perspective is so common in like uh i just feel like in in like theater and art or whatever just like like in the general i don't know know, culture. Yeah. Whatever culture we live in.

Yeah, it is. Like millennial hipster bullshit. But yeah, it is funny to be like, it's in a way of like you're looking down on those people too. Like, oh, look at these dumb poor people. Yeah. They don't even know. They're just so happy.

Yeah, like people have to travel and then they come back and they're like, whew, man, I appreciate life way more now knowing that people have to shit in the streets. It's like that's what you needed to appreciate life. What a good perspective. Thank you. Yeah, it is a thing. It's like, God, look at them. They're not even comfortable enough to have an existential crisis.

God, I wish that was me. Anyway, I stayed with this really poor family, i was an another mouth defeat for the next month but uh you know i learned a lot from them and they're much worse off uh for having had me for a month anyway i can flush toilet paper again thank god oh targets huh department stores i love it i love it yeah but that's really how like all of cuba pretty much was though yeah it was fucking it was rough man well i mean yeah i mean even parts of baltimore are like that like judo is telling me when we're driving around i just speak to people in baltimore that fake spanish accent like yeah i want to go like i speak english okay i want to go all your uber drivers oh dude real quick did

you know that you can reroute in the middle of an uber ride no i didn't change i was like going to a party in fells point switch that shit up and i was like you know what i am so tired i was like yo can you just make this left and take me home he's like yeah sure and he was like all you gotta do is hit the change hit change on your app and you can change your destination nice yeah i mean i like that it was a bummer because it costs like five dollars more but i was like so worth it yeah i mean that's fine i was so i was like yes i never knew that but oh go ahead well i was gonna say do you know about Juno? That's that new shit. No, which Juno? There's a fucking third. There's a third app for driving? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And yeah, we got those in New York. And we were texting about it. I was texting my buddies up there. It's Scott and Mike again. Okay. And they're like, oh, yeah, I got a Juno from Penn Station. And it was like seven bucks. And I thought they were talking about the DVD Juno.

Yeah, of course it's $7. Why the fuck would you yeah who gives a shit i thought it was just like some like shitty vendor selling juno dvds like oh man that's a really cheap juno they were getting hey we were getting our hair cut and some guy walked in with a bunch of blank cds it's a juno he offered us a great rate on a juno. Yeah. But yeah, we got a Juno drive. No, maybe we just had a Lyft when we went. But yeah, the guy was fucking awesome. He was speeding and honking, and it was like five stars. That's awesome. That's only in New York?

I don't know if it's only in New York, but maybe it's in a few cities. I haven't heard about it in Baltimore. I've literally never used anything but Uber, and I still use Uber. It's so cheap. I do Lyft now. I don't care. I vote with my dollars bro bro they're both evil yeah i'm sure yeah they're both neither that uber has always been a super shitty company yeah it's crazy that they're like they technically don't have employees like the drivers like it's illegal for them to form a union or something like that. So they say that they're independent contractors, not employees,

but it's bullshit because they're not allowed to set their own rates. And then when Maryland wanted Uber, and a lot of states and cities, they want Uber to have background checks, just like taxi drivers have to get background checks, which costs money. Uber would have to foot the bill for that shit uh they threaten to back out of the city and then they'll blame like the local like politicians right so they're trying to get people then you know then politicians get scared because they want votes and like hey we

want uber yeah and so they really like move into a city they get people hooked on and lyft does the same thing they'll get drivers hooked on driving for them because at first when you start driving they give you huge incentives and bonuses and then they take all that shit away and it's so funny they take all that shit away they get people hooked on their services it's a good service and then they'll threaten to leave when you want to when you want to start charging them like taxes or whatever. The best part is you could replace Lyft or Uber with the word heroin. Yeah. Yeah.

So you get a little heroin at first. It's great. It's free. You got incentives to do it. It's awesome. It's really destroying the upper middle class white community Uber. And it needs to be stopped. I went to a party the other day and uh people were talking about lift

and i was like i gotta get out of here yeah this is crazy man i shredded my credit card yeah you just got a car started sucking dicks or rides home come on baby let me ride share come on baby let's get a pool going uh yeah it's it's really fucking weird of it like to be like yeah work for us it's great we don't give a fuck about you but the whole like and then also deleting uber off your phone it's like cool you deleted an app off your phone made by poor chinese kids you're not really making a difference in the world no no yeah yeah you know what i'm gonna use this product made by Slade to show corporate America. I'm going to send a big fuck you to corporations across the world. Yeah.

Yeah. Meanwhile, like Chinese people are like, I mean, that'd be a fun image. A Chinese person deleting Uber. Leave it there. I just want to see some Chinese people. No, it'd be fun. Like a chinese person delete uber off their app to protest trump and then jumps off of a build because they're tired

of making iphones but then a net catches them yeah and then they have to go back work even harder making iphone give me that iphone 8 baby like you know what now you make ipads they're even harder they're bigger way bigger yeah not fucking with no minis either uh but yeah it was uh yeah the weekend of shows was uh it was good so what did i do yeah yeah this weekend i mostly just ate a fuck ton of meat that's all i pretty much did so on thursday after the show i gotta stop eating i eat i eat so much ice cream and food i ate oh my god on thursday i ate well first of all this week i ate a whole thing of like briars ice cream like half gallon in two sittings okay i was gonna say one city that's like how did you not throw up uh thursday uh i

ate a small pizza at the show, but it was vegan. Okay. Then I came home. I met you at the bar. Then I left the bar, and I literally ran to a local pizza place and bought their last slice of cheese pizza, and it's like two slices. It's huge. Yeah, it's a big slice. And then I left you guys at the bar.

Didn't even finish my beer because I was so excited. I ran to 7-Eleven. I bought a pint of Ben and Jerry's and ate the whole thing. Yeah, you brought the pizza in the bar, which I think is not encouraged. Well, you know what? I was going to buy tacos.

Right. But they were done serving. No, the whole restaurant, the kitchen was closed. Oh, right. And I know that bartender, so I think it was fine. Yeah.

Oh, whatever. I was so fucking... I don't think it's frowned upon i don't think it's encouraged definitely i used to be such a p i used to like i used to think if you went to a coffee shop you bought a coffee you could just eat your own food that's amazing i used to just eat because i don't want to spend money i would just open up a tupperware of my own food and then one time the girl um i remember i went up to the counter and i was like hey could you do me a favor and refill this uh oh i thought you're gonna say can you heat up my sandwich oh no i was like could you just do me a favor and uh refill this with hot water so i can have more tea i was like sure could you do me a favor and uh not bring outside food in here anymore and i was like yeah totally your parents suck my dick forever yeah but it's like hey your coffee's like overpriced

and shitty also every coffee shop should do free refills you know oh 100 but they don't no does common ground do that no oh buddy buddy guys everyone protests common ground yeah you know the spot we're talking about yeah everybody every city has a common ground everybody knows um yeah man i uh yeah i've common ground it pisses me off why i like the coffee but the service there is so slow somebody from like a restaurant background like i could fucking crush back there yeah well they like taking their time man they really fucking do they love asking you like cool jokey questions zero questions there were just two people ahead of me and it took like 15 minutes because then she answered the phone and took an

order to go like uh-uh uh you got a whole fucking line of people here yeah i don't understand what happens there and then i just feel like such a bitch too like i want my everything bagel no but it does take way too long. Like, it's... Yeah, shots fired. I hope they're listening. I mean, one guy already fucking hates me. Oh, that's right.

Yeah, so I could give a fuck. That's right. You know, one guy just fucking... I don't know why he hates me so much, but he really hates me. You're a bad boy. He... Bad boy? I think, like, I didn't know he was trying to do comedy

right and uh he asked if he could get a he was like how does one get a spot on your show oh yeah yeah yeah you know i i didn't give him a good response i said something mean well yeah because your show's a booked show it's a book show and it was just i thought he was kind of you know how like when someone watches you like stand up and they think they can do it. Right. I thought that's what was happening. I didn't know he was seriously asking. And I was like, dude, you can't just get on this fucking show.

I was like, why don't you do stand up for four years and then maybe I'll book you or something like that. Right. And then apparently he like is like, like has done a couple spots here and there. Gotcha. But he's still just like starting out. And he just like hates me now because he thinks i'm like pretentious and then i will which totally makes sense and then so now like anytime i even if i post any joke that isn't woke or is like a little mean he will just go off on me on facebook it's so funny really he hasn't since

the the one thing i posted yeah about calling out a certain place probably unfriended you no i checked yeah he did all right uh which i wouldn't care but i posted like some like some innocuous joke about feeling better than people because I now have an electric toothbrush. And he just wrote, he was like, way to make yourself feel better by putting others down. It's like, dude, it's 40 bucks. Also, dude, it's about toothbrushes. Yeah.

It's not like if you met somebody, they're like, hey, I use old school. I just imagine him writing that comment, and then you're behind the counter like hey man hurry the fuck up i have an electric toothbrush yeah come on bro come on uh yeah it was uh it was yeah the the whole like controversy thing but that's all kind of been squashed anyway so that's yeah i don't get yeah it's yeah and nobody gives a shit you gotta post those woke jokes bro listen listen wonder woman i don't have an opinion you know what i shouldn't men shouldn't have an opinion did you say someone wrote that on facebook yeah who was it oh don't say who it was i forgot yeah it was uh some broad people dingy broad something oh i know

who it is yeah that. That she said. What did she say? Something like if you're a man and you have an opinion about Wonder Woman, shut the fuck up. So I'm sure Roger Ebert is totally not going to. Is he alive still? Why is he dead? Is he? Because he just.

Is he? Is he for real dead? Yeah. Who's the other guy? Siskel, also dead. Dude, Roger Ebert. Look that up. I'm pretty sure he's alive.

Okay. Because I think he just... I was looking up because I'm going to go see Wonder Woman, and I saw that he reviewed something recently. I think he might have like a website, but... Okay. Oh, dude. He died in 2013. Okay. But I dude, he died in 2013.

Oh, okay. But I mean, he has a website in the way that like... IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes. Yeah, well, also Breitbart is named after a guy. Like Breitbart was a guy. He's not alive anymore? He's dead, yeah. Whoa.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm sure like Ebert, like his namesake is probably like some type of like... Well, what if we have like a really positive thing to say about Wonder Woman? mean i'm sure we won't shut the fuck up about it don't patronize them i'm sure we won't it's a fucking chick superhero but yeah i'm like oh what did she make a sandwich real fast some type of hero hey you know wonder woman yeah she only needs one black guy to learn to shut the fuck up that is that's how smart that bro is speaking of uh these women-centric things uh you've been watching the keepers on netflix i watched one episode you know why they call the keepers oh why they keep asking for it you know

that show really made me believe in god yeah exactly i didn't believe in god and i was like oh there's a pedophilia in the catholic church oh you can get away with pedophilia for literally decades whoa there is a god there is a god i haven't seen much of it did you finish it yeah yeah we uh is it that good i mean it's well yeah it's done it's done really yeah it's really well done but it's fucking it's infuriating man it's done really well done, but it's infuriating, man. It's insane. The stuff that you learn about, you're like, wow, really? This guy, he was one of the priests, just like a fucking monster, dude.

There's one part where a woman is recounting the stuff that happened to her, and the priest says he has the eucharist and he has to give it to her and then but the eucharist is like his cum and like makes her like blow him this is like a 14 year old girl and this went on for a long time that's like the flesh of christ the eucharist yeah exactly exactly yeah yeah it's like really, really dark. And it also shows you how fucking dumb people are too. Like there was one woman and she's explaining what happened to her. So basically it's like two priests are running this high school, this Catholic high school. And they're in charge.

And they're just like the whole time like at school like raping and taking advantage of women. Like during school out. At Seton Keough? Mm-hmm. Holy shit. Yeah. just like the whole time like at school like raping and taking advantage of women like during school out seat in keogh holy yeah so yeah it takes place in baltimore like during school hours would like over the intercom be like hey come down to my office like just brazen like wide open that's so good dude that's so rich so this uh and it just shows you people that are into religion and how fucking dumb they can be. So this girl that was being abused, her dad was like, she never said anything because she was so terrified. And of course, they're like, hey, if you find out, everybody's going to think you're, you know, they would scare and say, you're going to be called a whore in the community and everything else. And of course, they're like 14, so they don't know what to do.

And so it just goes on for years. And one night the priest that's abusing her, it's on Halloween night, and, of course, this guy is like tight with the cops. So he's like, hey, he calls up their house, and he talks to this girl's dad. He's like, hey, I want to take your daughter for a uh halloween uh police ride he's like sure that sounds right girl's 14 the cop did the priest he's friends with a cop and he's in a car with the cop okay who is also a pedophile and he's like hey we want to pick up your daughter and take her on a police ride a halloween like police ride

and like can you imagine one adult calling another adult man and then like hey i want to take your 14 year old daughter on a police ride that's nuts and then like then the girl just say no well but then she of course she probably was like oh i don't want to but then the her dad's like a devout catholic is like no you do what the priest says like oh he wants to take you for a ride you're lucky yeah and then took her to a in like the woods and they she was raped jesus on halloween of all days exactly all right let's take a note on the time signature right now i don't really get uncomfortable my face face is hot. It feels warm. All right.

Mark the time. Because it's so fucking infuriating. And like, why would any adult, like, even if I was a part of a religion, the priest is like, hey, I want to take your daughter for a car ride in the middle of the night. It's just blind trust, man. It's fucking nuts. So fucking dumb. That's crazy. And then you're like yeah sure well how did they eventually find out that this girl was being molested or raped uh well i don't want

to uh well i mean i don't want to it happened to a ton of girls but basically a woman who was like getting the worst of it she uh she blocked it all out for like 27 years like blocked it out yeah and then uh she was she was buying a house and uh her broker the woman that was uh selling her the house actually went to the same high school and was like hey oh my god yeah you went to uh kio we're gonna have a high school reunion are you gonna come she's like no i don't really i don't really like that stuff and she didn't know why but whenever like the school came up, she felt weird about it. That's insane. And then eventually she was like, oh, oh my God.

So she went, all that stuff happened to her. When she was super young, she graduated and just blocked it out. And then 27 years later, seeing this woman made it all rush back. Because when you're traumatized like that, you can do that. Your brain goes into survival mode yeah yeah and she remembered everything so then she sends out a letter like with her family to everybody that was that went to the school and was like hey did you if you went to the school from like 68 to 78 or whatever it was like and you uh anything improper happened like let me know and like tens and like like think like a

hundred people responded like oh yeah, this must be about they didn't even say what priest, but like this must be about such and such priest and yeah, it's like one person responded like one time I found hair in my pizza. Oh, you want to talk about impropriety?

I should have got a B on this exam and they gave me a C and they wouldn't change my great these were burnt tater tots you understand this fucked up my life for such a long time i'm supposed to live like a normal person after this yeah i've been in therapy for 20 years you call these tots you call these tots but, it just makes you so fucking mad because then they bring it up to, of course they bring it up to the church and the church is like, oh no.

And then they'll just move these guys around to different churches. That's the craziest part. It's like, that's the punishment as you move them. It's like, here, you just get a fresh crop of children to abuse. Yeah, that's nuts. Well, my thing is like, why would they not just go and get these people arrested? You just get a fresh crop of children to abuse. Yeah. That's nuts. Yeah.

Well, my thing is, like, why would they not just go and get these people arrested? What do you mean? Like, don't go to the church. Go to the cops or the statute of limitations. Well, yeah. So there's that. Yeah. I don't want to ruin it too much.

So the church, like, found out before everyone did. No. Well, so you had to. They brought it up to the church first and then the church was like trying to of course like screw them so like fine we're gonna bring a class action lawsuit but of course this did happen so long ago and it was all based on memory they got somebody who still works at johns hopkins by the way whoa to testify that um is it repressed memories i forget the word but like basically like uh repressed memories

aren't real and of course now we know that they are real so they're just saying these women are making it up and they just want a payday and all this stuff and like just fucking brutal so uh damn yeah and then even like to this day like presently like the archdiocese uh in baltimore is like no that never happened we've never heard of this and blah blah christ dude yeah again oh my favorite part was uh the one woman who came forward who had like all the memories uh her husband was like just so fucking cool so like finally like this woman and like other women they got together and they're like kind of like talking and stuff like the survivors get together and uh she's like yeah yeah oh it was tough i i remember because they're talking about

like their spouses she's like oh yeah mike mike he wanted to murder the guy and i was gonna let him well i mean i could understand how he wanted to but the only reason he didn't murder him is because i told him not to like laughing like dude that would me. Like if my wife was like this guy abused me when I was like 14, I was like 17. Easily murder that guy. God, I could easily murder that guy now. Like, yeah, dude, easily. I want to murder people who like fucking get back to that guy. Common ground.

Yeah, pick it up. Pick it up, dude. I could fucking kill you. Also, you know, the worst part about and i know that's all super sad but you know what's even sadder is we wait 20 minutes at common ground in line for an egg sandwich that is fucking microwave microwave the eggs it's not like they're even like like like making good ass fucking egg sandwiches. It's not really worth the wait. Yeah, not at all.

Like how low is our self-esteem that we're eating? We're waiting 20 minutes in line for microwaved eggs. God, yeah. We're such pussies too. You know, I thought it'd be quick. I thought it'd be easy. And here I am waiting in line. But I'm already here.

Fine. I'll get it. I'll get it. You should just leave. You know, I was sitting at common ground reading a book and i heard a lady like oh that guy is just so slow at making sandwiches close my book i was like i know right and then we just bonded yeah that's good good for you man that's something anyway let's never cool hopefully no one from common ground listens to this i still

like the food i mean i hey i love it there. It's really fun. Hang. It's a good spot. It's a great spot. They could just pick it up. They can't take a little ribbing. Then I don't think they deserve to be in business. Yeah, that's it.

I'll find another local spot to get my baby. Yeah, look, I'm not yelping about it. No, I'm not yelling into a microphone on a podcast about it. That hundreds of people will hear. Hundreds of people who all probably live in this city. exactly yeah you know i don't care they're great people egg exactly hey am i right am i right bro am i right am i right uh but yeah man i don't i that's all i have really have to report as far as like goings on yeah i don't have much either yeah the fringe was fun i watched uh acrobats they were cool oh fringe was great i was on a lot of good times and aaron let the crowd know that

oh really and then ever at once he did it was so hard to not laugh at like any like so aaron he told the crowd that and he looked at me he's like so mar is there anything else you want to say about the sack and i was like oh no and then just ran off stage did the crowd laugh yeah they were into it it was it that was a great crowd it was really fun yeah i was really impressed i kind of did that with the band because the band's name was telepathic dog they changed their name yeah again well from last year oh i got you yeah i was uh i was like oh that was pretty great what'd you guys think of that what the band think and they just stared at me it's like they're fucking high it doesn't matter they're so fucking high you know it's so funny too like uh there was a short film uh it was an animation about this date and it was really good it was really funny uh-huh but it was so weird

like this like it would go from the date to like these weird fantasies where people are fucking and then they're like in outer space and different dimensions and all this stuff and then at the end in the credits it said based on a true story it's like that's awesome like how many drugs are those true story true say this day this is a click yeah i was uh speaking of doing the like the ladies thing i did that where because aaron um is obviously a public radio guy so he said something like that he's like oh i feel like i'm because he was saying like you can donate to fringe and all that stuff he's like oh sorry about that i went into like pledge drive mode it's like it's okay we're gonna give out some tote bags who likes tote bags did that do well yeah it's like now just the ladies that like tote bags let me hear you

and then we were playing a movie and uh the screen was up and and uh aaron was like all right well our next thing is going to be played on this behind us. Josh, what is that? I was like, it's actually a really big tote bag. We're the sexiest lady here. We're the ladies. It was like a canvas thing. Yeah, that'd be so cool.

Like you go to an NPR event and there's like a tote gun. Yeah. Who wants a tote? But of course, everybody's just still like really reserved. I would appreciate a appreciate it i would love one yeah i don't want to be aggressive or cause a microaggression or trigger anybody but uh i would enjoy a tote what is a microaggression oh that's a microaggression right there is it oh i think it's like when you ask if you like ask me like where are you from yeah exactly exactly it's

like kind of like a very it's like a shitty thing but it's not necessarily like um i don't know like overt way to be shitty it's kind of like being just passive aggressive i guess got it you know yeah we definitely needed the word microaggression for that uh that's a bit of a microaggression bro god i hate all that shit what did i hear recently uh uh i can't remember i just remember being like oh you suck just more woke language yeah there's nothing worse than somebody that's just like i'm really above it all i'm just uh yeah the worst is those people who do comedy that's the worst yeah like the bill maher thing i don't know what do you think about bill maher i he shouldn't have said it he shouldn't have said

it's really dumb do i think he's racist no but like it's like that's i kind of think he's probably a little racist really like in his really like racist how like, I don't know. I'm not basing it on anything. I don't mean like racist where it'd be like, okay, should we hire a writer? There's a white guy and a black guy. No, I don't think. You know what I mean?

Or like overtly like shitty to somebody. Yeah, who's that dude who always wears a blue vest? He's like a Twitter McRae. He works for Baltimore City. Yeah, D. Ray McKesson. Yeah, so he's like calling for mcray dirks he works for baltimore yeah d ray mckesson yeah so he's like calling for the firing of bill maher it's like bro you make like a hundred grand doing hr for baltimore city public schools well it's it's tough i get that but like i don't know firing firing seems like too far. Well, this wouldn't be the first time that he got fired.

He got fired from Politically Incorrect for making a 9-11 joke. Yeah, even that I don't think was that bad. No, he shouldn't have gotten fired. I don't remember the exact joke. And he was right. He said something about how we're calling these terrorists cowards. Oh, yeah. I think flying a plane into a building is is pretty brave

yeah and uh uh i get what he's saying i uh you know yeah it's a shitty thing to say but he should not have been fired it's actually a like a funny joke it's a funny idea well that's the thing he's like he's just pushing a button exactly that's i think he's just trying to be like... He's like the old aging comedian who's like, I still have an edge. Right. It was just... But the N-word was so out of... I didn't even hear it.

Nowhere I watched it. It was painful to watch. Really? What was it on? Because I know he said he's not the house N-word. I mean, but what was the topic? What were they talking about? The politician said, yeah, come to Nebraska.

We'll have you work in the field. He's like, work in the fields? Please, I'm a house N-word. But he didn't say the hard ER, which I'm not saying. Oh, I heard he did say the hard ER. I don't think he did. Okay. But that'd be cool if that was in his defense.

Like, come on, guys, it wasn't the hard. I'm sorry, but it wasn't a hard ER. I his defense like come on guys it wasn't the heart i'm sorry but it wasn't a hard er i put a soft day on it yeah he's saying the hard er he's like i didn't say that would be nuts if he lost his show yeah i don't i don't think he will i think uh i saw hbo like put out a statement on it but i don't think he's like gonna get fired or anything i mean it's just it's like yeah he was just trying to be funny i don't think he's like going to get fired or anything. I mean, it's just, it's like, yeah, he was just trying to be funny. I don't think he's like overtly racist. He's not like, it's not like every week.

It's like he has questionable remarks. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, he's like pretty fucking racist against Muslims. Oh, is he? Oh, dude. He says like he makes huge generalizations about Muslims. Oh, really?

He's like really again yeah like he is uh yeah he's he's very uh i don't know yeah whatever hey i mean listen that i don't disagree with him he's a white guy he should stay on top you know exactly that's where he belongs listen you want to go get a bagel at common ground listen uh yeah i would do that listen i basically like the people at common ground are basically the muslims of this world they're fucking it up they're definitely the muslims of hamden sure i mean hijacking our time uh-huh with their shitty sandwich making skills wearing weird clothes smelling bad on purpose exactly their life infringing on mine yeah dude oh you want to talk microaggression microterrorism yeah

that is yeah they're fucking up our lives because we can afford electric truth brushes and they can't and they're jealous and they're so just they hate our way of life oh dude they hate how much fucking uh plaque we get rid of we gotta get rid of so much fucking plaque yeah and how much we can afford to drink and and podcast i don't know i was just trying to think of things muslims don't like you know oh they hate podcast i think everyone doesn't unfairly does not like sex workers but that's okay doesn't like sex workers well like like prostitution what about it it should be legal you know hey who am i it should be illegal listen it shouldn't be legal should not be legal it yeah like i it should be allowed

oh okay ways can we say this listen i what your mom wants to do whatever who am i to judge dude you don't know what it's like growing up and having to tell your friends uh that your mom is pakistani oh my god umar we thought you were white this whole time uh what are you doing uh signing out of uh okay let's see signing out of work oh yeah oh yeah took a little sick day oh yeah you did yeah you feeling better i feel so much better but i still got a lot of work done at home oh nice maybe more work than at school nice so maybe uh if you're listening uh supervisors we should have uh some uh uh what's a work from home days oh telework hello work day telework that'd be i would love to telework as a school psychologist. I'm just fucking FaceTiming with all my kids. It would be so cool, dude.

I would love that. I could do that. I could fucking. Yeah. What do I need to be there for? Come on. Yeah. There's like a kid like freaking out and a teacher is like holding up a laptop with my face.

Like Billy, use your coping skills breathe look at the ipad buddy yeah look at me buddy i'll put a filter on you want to put a fun filter on only autistic kids like counseling they're just playing like minecraft the whole time on the ipad though crushing over here it's great all right well here's another reason for me to not have a job anymore yeah we'll uh we'll close out uh soon but yeah speaking of the uh at the uh at the show on thursday it's like jesus the number two uh yeah the second in command of school psychologist who's at this show and i was like so what's the countdown for omar to get fired is there a pool is it like what are we betting on is there a month i know but everyone

said i'm fine yeah yeah no it's it's so funny like just hearing stories it's like yeah the other day in a meeting uh he said hey man i don't give a shit and i was like uh mr khan can you not say shit and uh they laughed they thought it was fine so apparently you can say shit in a meeting i don't know how did you know that? Who told you that? I'm on the inside. Oh, God. Well, I'm betting. I got to know what I'm up against.

Oh, I know who told that son of a bitch. I'm on the inside. Listen, I got to find out. But yeah, no, you'll be all right. You're the cool young guy. I'm the bad boy of school psychology. That's what they call you. Bring in the bad boy.

Bad boys, bad boys. All right. What you what they call you. Bring in the bad boy. Bad boys, bad boys. All right. What you gonna do? Gonna fix these kids. All right. Yeah, let's wrap it up.

Yeah, please. Shall we? Please. Well, no, I just feel like before we see any more

incriminating things. That's a good point. That's a good, good point. Yeah. So, oh, also,

I forgot to plug. We're on the Laughable app now, which is fucking awesome. Google Play Music. So we're on there as well. And let's see. And your mom. Hey, we're all in your mom. But Laughable is really cool.

If you don't have it, it's an app pretty much specifically for comedy. They have more than that. But if you you instead of like searching for a podcast say there's like somebody really like like joe de rosa or pat oswalt he'll pop up and then like all the podcasts you're on will pop up or even if like like you and i like if we're on other people's podcasts we'll pop up too so it's like a really cool way to get into comedy podcasts and stuff so uh yeah happy to be on that app check it out it's like a really cool way to get into comedy podcasts and stuff. So, yeah, happy to be on that app. Check it out.

It's free. And, yeah, if you love comedy podcasts like we do, you'll get into that shit real hard. Fuck yeah. Yeah, and say hi on the Facebook page. We like that. Rate and review us on iTunes. I'm on Twitter and Instagram at Josh Kaderna. The podcast is at Dig Sesh Pod.

Umar, you're on the social medias. Umar Khan 821 on Instagram. Umar underscore A underscore Khan on Twitter. And you can just Google or Facebook me and shit. Yeah. Shit, yeah, bruh. Ginny Jokes every first Thursday. Hey now.

At Joe Squared out on North Avenue. All right. Well, this has been a good one, man. Yeah. And we'll see you guys next time. Find us on the internets. And David Koechner, take us out. Dick Russian Sessions, coming to an end. Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah