The Digression Sessions - Ep. 221 - Road Trip w/ Eric Dadourian! (@EricDadourian)

Episode Date: June 12, 2017

Hola Digheads, this week Josh and his roomie / tenant, Umar Khan, hit the road with their buddy and comedian Eric Dadourian!   They did a gig in Hagerstown, MD as a part of their Pride events for the weekend.   Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, and Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on iTunes, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher plz!

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. Hey, welcome to the Digression Sessions podcast everybody. Josh Coderna here. How are you? How the hell are ya? We got a new pod for you today. This is a road podcast from the car. Me, my co-host and roommate Umar Khan and our good buddy, hilarious guy Eric DeDorian did a gig in Hagerstown, Maryland for the Hagerstown Hope, Hagerstown Hopes, yeah, Hagerstown Hopes collective or group, and it was folded into their events for Pride for the weekend, so we went and did stand-up

up there, and it was pretty interesting, kind of a weird crowd, I think it was their first time seeing stand-up, so they were very chatty. It was a little weird, but it ended up being fun. They were really cool. I just don't think they knew how a stand-up show worked, but we got through it and had a good time. Shout-out to Hagerstown Hopes for taking care of us and Todd, who helps run that organization. We ended up actually having a good time and we recorded a podcast on the way back and uh we were allowed uh free drink tickets at the show and it might show on this podcast it might show but uh it was a really fun talk and

uh i kind of forget what we talked about i know i know there's talk about like yelp and uh i remember um uh batman and goodwill hunting comes up and then also what if goodwill hunting happened in baltimore and that was really funny so i had a good time with those guys that's what this podcast is um and uh yeah so i hope uh i hope you guys like it uh I got a bunch of shows this week, and you can follow me on Twitter at Josh Kaderna, also on Instagram at Josh Kaderna. Same with Eric DeDorian. It's just his name, at Eric DeDorian on Twitter and Instagram. Umar's on Twitter at Umar underscore A underscore Khan.

And then on Instagram, I think he's umar khan 821 yes umar khan 821 so follow him there we also have a facebook page so come uh say hello and uh give us a rating listen five stars or nothing that's always nice on itunes that helps helps us climb the charts and all that stuff, too. So we really appreciate that. But this week, I got a bunch of shows going on. Tuesday, I'll be down in D.C. at Ben's Chili Bowl at 8 o'clock, featuring for my good buddy Ramin Mostafavi. Wednesday, I'll be at the Green Turtle, the illustrious Green Turtle in Fairfax, Virginia, also featuring Haramin Mastafavi. Thursday, pulling double duty, I'll be at the DC Improv open mic. And then I'm going to go over to the DC Draft House, and I'll be sort of co-hosting.

I'll be the man in the booth, the man on the god mic for Chris Milner's Specific Ignorance. And the cast of that, the cast? I don't know if that's the right word, but the contestants, that's it. The contestants are the guys from Three Guys On, Tim Miller, Randolph, Terrence, and Andy Klein. So that should be a really good one if you're in the DC area. And then Friday night, I'll be doing a house party. Be doing a house party? I'll be doing stand-up in a house. uh it's a part of uh this tour that joe para is doing and uh it's going to be in northwest dc in mount pleasant so come to that

and i'll be tweeting about it with all the links and stuff like that so uh yeah follow me coming out to show it's gonna be super busy and uh yeah i hope you dig the pod like i said i forget what most of what we talked about i remember I remember having a good goddamn time. So, yeah, let's cut to Umar's car, shall we? I hate sweet potato fries. My dad loves sweet potato fries. He loves burgers. One time we were talking, and my dad can't eat that shit because he's had a heart attack.

Yeah. But he'll be like, I love hamburger. It's just like, fuck it. He gets so excited. He loves cranberry sauce, too. Yeah. And, like, over Thanksgiving, he just went to— We were on the same thing.

I really think that people that love burgers, that's like a cult. I think there's, like, some people— I love burgers, dude. like a cult. I think there's like some people. I love burgers, dude. Yeah. Some people are pizza people or burger people. Yeah. No, I love both. Well, yeah.

Every Monday night you go to Rocket. Yeah. Yeah. Every Monday we go to Rocket for burger night. Dude, $5 burgers. The best. Fries. What's your favorite burger in Baltimore?

Oh, Hamilton Tavern, hands down. Okay. Best burger. Hands down? Hands down. Really? Yeah. Okay. Best turkey burger, hands down. Okay. Best burger. Hands down? Hands down. Really? Yeah. Okay.

Best turkey burger? Cooper's. Okay. Best turkey burger. See, I've heard Cooper's. I've heard people tell me that Cooper's is the best burger. No, those people are poor. They got to go to Hamilton, spend $15.

Oh, $18 on a burger. Are you talking about an $18 burger? Whoa, dude. Okay. I like that this is the second part of the podcast. Yeah. Hey, guys. We'll tell you how the show went, and obviously the show was not good, because we're like, what's the second part of the podcast. Hey, guys, we'll tell you how the show went,

and obviously the show was not good because we're like, what's the best burger in Baltimore? Well, because I've been Googling. Wait, real quick, though. Oh, sorry, go ahead. I just Google, like, best fucking best bagel in Baltimore, best pizza in Baltimore, best burger, best pancakes. I just did that.

That was the first one I did yesterday. I just, like, I'm trying to figure it out, and, best burger, best pancakes. I just did that. That was the first one I did yesterday. I just like I'm trying to figure it out. And, you know, I love food so much. Same. But I'm not trying to be dick about it. And it's like weird. Well, yeah. I'm in a weird place.

Because you have to go to the websites that dickheads make. Yes. And you're like, I'm just visiting. I'm not a member. I'm behind enemy lines. You need to fucking talk about this. Honestly, the people who love food

but are not trying to be dick about it. I just want to eat a good burger. I don't want to be friends with anyone who writes a Yelp review. But you'll look at Yelp. But you look at Yelp! Oh no! You look at Yelp!

I do! God damn! Do you read them? I was going to try and lie and say no. And I only focus at Yelp! Oh, no. You look at Yelp! I do! God damn! Do you read them? Do you read them? I was going to try and lie and say no. And I only focus on the negative reviews. Of course you do. Yeah, like, I'm such a cuck.

Because that's what society is. I'm a cuck. Dude, but honestly, like, when I see in my news feed on Facebook that someone wrote a Yelp review, it's like, first, grossed you. Don't. Don't do that. Don't. And second, even grosser that you decided to share that shit on Facebook. Yes. It's like first gross. You don't. Don't do that. Don't second.

Even grosser that you decided to share that shit on. Yeah. A fucking. Yes. You're so. Yeah. Yeah. That's honestly grosser than somebody sharing like something from porn.

Yeah. It's way worse. It's way fucking worse. Because if you share that shit from porn, like, holy shit, you're a huge person. Yo, you share good porn? Oh, hell yeah. Thank you for sharing your wealth. Or even not good.

It's like, oh, you like MILFs? Right on. That's cool. But you're just open. You're open. It's the opposite of you. Versus like, three out of five for Famous Dave's barbecue. I don't even give a fuck if you wrote a place an amazing review.

Like, anyone gives a fuck what you think says the guy who's recording a podcast. I think Yelp. Well, yeah. Yeah, that said, fuck those people. Rate and review us on iTunes. I think pound for pound. Five stars or nothing. Yelp is the worst website on the internet.

Dude, totally. Pound for pound. You know what I love? Can you rate yelp where yeah i love that people can be sued now for what they write what because the shit is slander especially if you're talking about a business of course yeah and uh i sat next to a dude uh who worked at yelp at a dinner and he's's like, oh, man, we got into it. So then Yelp puts together these events where, like,

Yelp people go together and meet up. It's just like, I don't know. It's just gross. I think it's – I have a very, very complicated relationship with Yelp. All my friends who own businesses fucking hate Yelp. It's like – Or restaurant workers.

You know, I've worked in restaurants for fucking 20 years and yelp has only been around for like fucking five years of that or whatever it's like and i try to stay off of it and when i visit and i know this is gonna make me sound even shittier like but when i visit like i was in oakland and shit like i just really tried hard to ask like i would go in a coffee shop yeah whatever and i asked people but that's his own but that's his own thing because then like you're gonna get like a million different things and it's like that's fine i don't give a shit yeah okay yeah every meal i eat doesn't have to be the best meal exactly that's how i feel about it it's like i just want to fucking eat yeah like i went to new orleans and i like the worst thing you could possibly tell anybody is that you're going to New Orleans.

Because then they're going to be like, oh my god, you have to go to this place. And then this place. And it's such an obscure place. You've got to go to Long Daddy's. But the thing is, you've got to rent a boat to get to Long Daddy's. But it's worth it. Poor fucking New Orleans guy got there and i was like my head exploded and i was like i didn't i just like ate at this one fucking this one convenience store that also had fried chicken it was the best

that's like royal farms yeah yeah the royal farms it was it was a mom and pop royal farms called d uh it was called hanks hanks hanks but they had, like, the best chicken tenders. That's so tight. And then I was like, yeah. In their name, they don't even advertise they have chicken, but that's, like, the best you have. And then, like, I got back home, and everyone was like, you didn't go to Jumbo. You shouldn't have left. How dare you?

Eric, I was in Oakland. Atlanta is the same place. When I went to Oakland, people saw I was in Oakland Like you gotta do this Yeah Even like Oakland is really bad about that And my buddy

He was great I stayed with him He showed me places But even it was just like I don't give a shit I'm just here to relax Like if someone came to Baltimore And they were like

What should I do I'd be like I don't give a fuck Do whatever you want There's nothing You have to do Like I don't have Like just have fun man you want. There's nothing you have to do. Yeah. Like, just have fun, man.

Figure out shit. It's okay. Yes. I think the – I mean – Go ahead, Josh. You go ahead, Eric. I mean, that's just the way that I try to conquer cities. Yeah.

Like, that's – you know, like – but most people aren't like that. Like, a lot of people – like, with the internet, it the internet just like it seems like it's more convenient like it's like it gives the impression of convenience but it's not it's just like yeah it just like uh inundates you with like all these options that you can't fucking handle well it's also funny funny to me when people visit like even like when they go to a new country they're like i don't want to do touristy things like yeah everybody says that you're a tourist yeah you're literally a tourist you're literally a tourist and everyone says that you're not original just fucking cave into the fact yeah

like do you i went to uh the bay area yeah hell yeah i went to the golden gate bridge and of course you did it's gorgeous i got high they should literally sell t-shirts and say hell yeah i went to the golden gate yes hell yeah i did yeah no i was at the golden gate bridge and i it's legal there i think do baltimore people have t-shirts that say uh no i haven't seen the wire or yes i've seen the one because can i tell you something like before when i told people that i was all baltimore when i yeah when i told people i was moving to baltimore la like even before i moved to baltimore i got so sick of people bringing up the wire and i was like you had like and of course i've seen the one every comic who visits baltimore from bill burr to your

open mic or yeah has brought up the wire you saw bill burr he brought up the wire every comic who visits baltimore from bill burr to your open mic or yeah has brought up the wire you saw bill burr he brought up the wire and the most and the and the fucking dumbest most fucked up thing is is that literally my first like month yeah in baltimore i saw two cast members i said two i said two. I said two. Yo, man. Which ones? I said Kima. Yes. Kima came into my bar. Did she get wasted?

No. She ordered a Corona? Is she an alcoholic? No. Well, maybe. I remember she came in a Paper Moon. She got fucked up. Yeah.

Really? Paper Moon is booze? Josh put her on blast. Yeah, I didn't know she came in drunk because we used to be 24 hours. Oh, well, yeah. You worked at Paper Moon? Yeah. I love Paper know she came in drunk because we used to be 24 hours. Oh, well, yeah. You worked at Paper Moon? Yeah. I love Paper Moon.

Paper Moon is the most Baltimore place in the city of Baltimore. Guys, I'm not going to – I can't agree with you on that. Well, it's definitely a Baltimore spot. Like as far as we're talking about like – If you came to Baltimore, you got it. You have to. You got to look at the wall. They got toys on the wall.

But no, Kiva came in and she was so drunk. She was just laying on a table. Oh, wow. Like, back down. Oh, wow. But anyway, yeah, sorry. She ordered a fucking Corona. Well, she ordered a Corona and then she asked me if I sold bottles to go.

That's so rad. And I was like, no. And then she drank half a Corona and she left. Whoa, half a Corona. She was bad, dude. Honestly then she drank half a Corona and she left. Whoa, half a Corona. She was bad, dude. Honestly, she was such a good actor. She's so good in the show. Guys, can I say something?

I would be one of those people who would wear the shirt saying I didn't watch The Wire because I've never seen it. Good for you. Because there's too much pressure. Because honestly, it's very good. And you only have to see the fourth season anyway. Because I work in schools. With the kids yeah can i watch it all stand you i think the fourth season is by like the most standalone

season okay i think that i think it should be shown in all all right you know what i'm gonna watch it all right yeah start with the fourth and then i would say start from the beginning because the first could stand on its own yeah basically like, it was like, I don't know, like a law and order, but like a really in-depth one. The first season's great, man. Yeah. My brother. That's a good one. Yeah, it is like law and order.

Right. I was going through this really bad breakup like five years ago. That's when you get into shows, dude. Yeah, because you're like, dude, suck up my time. I don't want to think about this. Please fucking escape me. But it was really, like, my brother was really cool. And, like, we would just hang out a lot. And me and him just went on, like, a Friday night.

We were getting drinks at this bar in Mount Vernon. And we just started talking to the bartenders. They paid for our drinks. It was so nice. That's cool. And then, but we started talking to this dude. He ended up, he was telling us he was a cop. And he was on the force while the writer of

David Simon was, was, uh, doing, um, Treme. Yeah. Well, the writer, he would go on ride, you know, ride alongs, ride alongs with them to like get, uh, cause you, uh, you know, to like experience material and he was a journalist and stuff and like so it was just really cool like talking to this cop and like and like and uh and he was also he was a gay cop which like he said he had to like hide from all everyone it was just like so interesting which is a fucking straight up storyline from the wife because keema's gay and also

rawls i didn't know that rawls yeah remember, yeah. Remember the quick Rawls thing where you're like, oh, shit. That makes so much sense. Yeah. You know where they shot that scene? Where? Sidebar. Yeah. No shit.

Yeah. That's where they got the go back sticker. Yes. Yes. Go back and watch it. See what Rawls is like. Yo, that's Sidebar. Yo, also House of Cards.

Sidebar is the weirdest fucking bar in the world. House of Cards has shot a couple scenes in Sidebar. Oh, House of Cards. Golden West and Rocket to Venus. Oh, really? house of cards in the world house of cards has shot a couple scenes inside bar old west and uh rocket to venus oh really they just did gunther in uh canton i don't know if you've been there i've never been there i would shoot because here's the thing about baltimore is like it seems like it would be really really cheap to shoot there yeah and you can shoot so much different shit yeah i didn't know when i was in atlanta of years ago and fucking, or like two years ago, and fucking Fast and Furious was shooting there. What?

And I was like, what? Why are they shooting? But it took place in LA? Yeah. And I found out that like Georgia is. Yeah. That's where they shoot shit. Tons of people do shit in Atlanta.

Like Walking Dead is Atlanta. Yeah. All the adult swim stuff is in Atlanta. I think Georgia is like a stand-in for California because it's like North Carolina. And also New Mexico. Like when they do like super southern California, that's all New Mexico. In North Carolina, Dawson's Creek, all was shot there. I love it's devolved so fast. Actually, Clarissa explains it all.

Atlanta. That was shot in my there. Actually, Clarissa explains it all. Atlanta. Did you guys know that? That was the start of my bedroom. Yeah. Which is actually in Atlanta. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

That's what I got when I took a survey, internet survey. What 90s TV show are you? Like a BuzzFeed thing. You're Clarissa Explains It All? I was Clarissa Explains It All. Damn. How come? Why? What was the reason? Because I'm cool. are you like a buzz your clarissa explains it all was clarissa explains it all how come why

would it was a reason um because i'm cool and during the during the survey you kept cutting the camera and you're like oh my god look at me taking a survey do you think that's actually how that's how i live that's where house of cars got the idea for frank to talk to the camera oh my i'm frank underwood i stay breaking that fourth wall. Oh, my God. I break that fourth wall down. Oh, my God. Like I was fucking Berlin, bro. Like Frank Underwood.

Like playing Clarissa. Yeah. It's essentially what he's doing. Yeah. And you see a ladder hit a window. And then his wife climbs up. Claire, what are you doing? Wait, are you guys Castle Cars heads?

No. Okay, I'll tell you this. I can't watch anymore. I watched the first two seasons. Terrible. Season five. Got me. I mean, I watched the first two seasons.

Loved it. Season five is the last one? Yes, the most recent one that came out. The most, most recent one. The one that came out last week. I watched it in like a week. Are you serious? I loved it.

Three and four are terrible. Because the season before, I was like not into. I didn't even watch it, but I was fine with season five. Because I love Robin Wright. Three and four were so good. Oh, my gosh. She's so good in Wonder Woman. And so sexy, dude.

Hold on. I don't want to spoil anything. I don't want to spoil too much. Do you see her naked? She becomes president. Damn. You got to watch that shit. Well, you see that.

I mean, now I want to watch it. And I honestly. I'm just saying. I just. We. Sorry. President of my boner you know my dude my dude uh robin wright uh we watched wonder woman last night and i was like robin

wrong literally a thought that i had during the movie was like fuck do i have to watch house of cards now and like i think i do i'm trying to i like season five dude what did you think of wonder woman let's break it down because i'm trying to see with my lady friend i fucking loved I think I do. You should. I like season five, dude. What did you think of Wonder Woman? Let's break it down because I'm trying to see with my lady friend. I fucking loved it. Also, I feel like if you get super high and watch, you have super good times. Yeah, I don't do super high, but I have super good times. Can I tell you my one beef?

What's your beef? She's a woman. How quick did you make those sandwiches, though? Too much wonder. Too much wonder. you make those sandwiches to wonder too much wonder too much honestly i can't handle so much one can we get a little more woman no hey guys this is like i'm not specific to wonder woman it's like specific to all i think superhero superhero movies if you're not gonna have a a trailer after the credits, let people know. Yeah.

Okay? Because people have to pee. Because people have to pee and people are hungry and they want to go home and get high. That is such a good point. If you are not going to show a trailer,

because here's what we did last night. I'm pumped. Here's what we did last night. What did you do? We sat there like a couple of dumb fucks. Damn. Lights have come up. Sat through the entire credits.

Yeah. Even the Asian crew as well. Do you know how many people there are in CGI? Probably a lot. Seven million people. They're all names you can't pronounce.

I had to sit through all these credits because I thought there was going to be a trailer coming up for the next fucking Justice League or some shit. Right.

Nothing. Yeah, you want Ben Affleck at the end to be like, hey, do you want to form a justice league stick around yeah and then here i am with my dick in my hand at the end of these and here's the problem here's a problem your girl just clapping all right they're completely they're completely humorless and they will never do that. And they will, like, never do that, and they should. Oh, my God.

God damn it. Yo, they should do a whole remake of Goodwill. Matt Damon should be Robin. Goodwill for hunting. He is Robin. And, yeah, Batman, Robin, and Goodwill for hunting would be amazing. Goodwill for hunting. Yeah.

What's it called? Goodwill for hunting. Oh, Goodwill for hunting. But the remake is called Goodwill for hunting. be amazing. Goodwill hunting. What's it called? Goodwill hunting. But the remake's called Goodwill for hunting. Like I got them now. How do you like them, Apple? Some shit like that. But they don't... They take themselves too seriously. Bruce is Robin Williams.

No, it's Ben Affleck, dude, because he's Batman. Oh, shit, shit. You're right. My bad. So he'd be like, every morning when I get to your door, I hope you're not there. Because you know what? You have a gift. A gift any of these guys would kill for. That's so funny. He pulls up.

Matt Damon is Robin. What do you want from me? What do you want from me? You want me to tell you the motherfucker put cigarettes out on my back? You want me to fucking tell you that the Joker put cigarettes out of my bag? Fuck you. Fuck you. You don't want that shit.

You don't want that shit. Wonder Woman. Diana. You don't want that shit, Diana. Yeah, Wonder Woman. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

Don't fuck with me. Don't fuck with me. Not you, Wonder Woman. Not you, Wonder Woman. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. Don't fuck with me. Don't fuck with me. Not you, Wonder Woman. Not you, Wonder Woman. This is DC. I don't want that fucking Marvel shit. Not you. I don't fuck with me.

I don't want that Marvel pussy. I don't want Marvel pussy. You're not the Phoenix. You're not fucking Jean Grey. Don't fuck with me. Don't fuck with me. Don't fuck with me right now, man. You're not Jean Grey. You're not fucking Jean Grey. Don't fuck with me. Don't fuck with me. Don't fuck with me right now, man. You're not Jean Grey.

You're not. I mean, that's kind of like, that's what on a nerd level. Yeah. Because I didn't know anything about the Wonder Woman universe. Right. But it's kind of a better, I don't want to say better, but clearer. Goodwill Hunting. Kind of.

Kind of. Yeah. Jean Grey. Okay. So Jean Grey is Will Hunting is Wonder Woman. Yeah, yeah. Is what we're saying. Jean Grey from the Marvel Universe?

That's what I'm saying. Okay. Because I think that the Wonder Woman of DC was kind of a clearer representation of the Jean Grey Phoenix metaphor. The metaphor. Wait. Is Wonder Woman a Marvel or DC? DC. I can edit that out.

She's an alien who she's like a god and they don't tell her that she has all these powers that she has because they don't think that she can control these powers. Oh. And that's what Jean Cray is. Like, she has these powers that she's, like, freaked out about, and it's, like, a really, really great metaphor for, like, for women especially. But it's, like. Yeah, like, when they're going through.

But it's a clearer. This is why I love superhero movies when they're going through what? I was going to say when they first when they first went through taking it there my boys know me wet red time

that's what I call it Eric and I are doing that show for Baltimore socialists. Oh, yeah. I'll be out of town. Because here's the thing that people, nobody talks about this with periods. Let's let women on their periods are horny as fuck. Nobody talks about this.

Everyone talks about it. Really? There's a certain point when they're pregnant, too. It's like early on and third trimester, chicks get super horny. Or the last trimester. But I fucking love period sex, dude. I'll go down on you on your period.

I don't give a fuck. Can you imagine not liking period sex? As like a dude? Our buddy Alex Wyslowski does not like period sex. You can come wherever the fuck you want. You can come over like it's fucking Christmas. It's X-Men 2. You know what?

You're on the island, man. There is no Phoenix. No one's reborn. There's no Phoenix yet. There's no Phoenix. So that's the fourth day of the period is when the Phoenix comes. That's a true story. It's that brown stuff.

She's reborn i'm a man i'm a man who grew up with a mom and a sister and have had several long-term relationships i've also found the best uh like stain remover so like i don't even care if i get blood on my sheets yeah yeah you know what the best stain what is this my fucking tongue you know what i'm talking about come on y'all come on gorgeous george i'm crazy give it up for gorgeous george over here josh grab my phone and tell me what we gotta do wait just stay on i-70 dude wait can you tell me what the best stain remover is yeah let's hear yeah i have it downstairs josh it's like this oxy clean thing it is so cheap it's so cheap you it's like this stick you squeeze it down it's like so did this come from's so cheap. It's like this stick. You squeeze it down. It's like so. Now, did this come from you yelping?

It's like period remover. No, my ex-girlfriend, my last girlfriend. So I'm not going to say her name, but it was the last girl I dated. So Hillary Clinton. How long did you date her? Figure it out. Two years. Oh, okay.

It was a shitty two years. But the best part of this relationship was figuring out this, her introducing me to this. Oh, dude, we would have crazy period sex. I love that you have a fucking... Blood everywhere and to the point where, like, she would feel so bad. She took my bed sheets home one time and washed them. Good for her. I'm not letting you wash them.

And I'm like, I don't give a fuck. I'll wash you. I don't give a fuck. But you know what else? I also dated a squirter for a long time no way yeah dude it was great but like every night it's just like all right well we're gonna sleep in your pee tonight yeah it's crazy yeah yeah but i liked it i was into it dude like it would get like all sometimes like because she can't control where it goes. And I mean. Yeah.

It was a lot. But, like, imagine, like, thinking. I mean, the squirting thing. It's hot, man. The squirting thing and the blood thing. It's like, whatever, dude. Our body makes cum. Yeah.

Cum is the grossest fucking thing around. That shit is sticky sticky it smells like garbage it tastes really good it tastes really really good but like come on dude it is so hard to clean it is so hard to clean way worse than blood

cause even if you get it wet then it coagulates and shit it's a villain it's an alien movie villain it's the best DC villain ever Because even if you get it wet, then it coagulates and shit. I don't know if you're trying to get that off. It's a villain. It's an alien movie villain. It's the best DC villain ever. That's Wonder Woman's greatest enemy has come. Quit fucking with me.

Come. God damn it. Oh, God damn it. How did I get you out of my leg hairs? You're stuck in my bat suit. Oh, could you imagine? I know. Can you imagine getting cum inside your fucking Batman mask? Oh my God.

You don't want to tell Alfred? Master Wayne. You can't tell Alfred because Alfred's going to judge you. It's fine. It's clean. Of course Alfred's going to judge you. He's known you since you were a toddler.

No, no, no. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Don't worry. Master Wayne, I always do your laundry. No, this has Bane's blood on it.

I want to remember it. Now I want to really, now I want to hear Michael Caine as Alfred doing the speech that Ben Affleck does in Good Will Hunting, but it's about getting cum out of the Batsuit. Do you know what I want? Master wine. Do you know what I want? Master wine.

Sorry, go ahead, Josh. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. Go ahead. Master Wayne, I don't want to clean up more cum from another Batman. I won't clean up more cum. I won't.

Do you know what I want? It's warm cummer to your window every morning and you're not there. I don't want to find cum on the window of your apartment when I come there in the morning. Oh, my God. You understand? That's what it is. Yeah. What other fucking roles, what other big roles has Michael Caine had that we could just have him talking about cum?

I think that's it. Oh, shit. He was in Children of men barry linden old school shit is great because so i can't remember where i heard his was a story like someone was like uh they pitched a movie idea idea to him he's like oh that sounds terrible and they're like well it pays a million dollars like i'll do it yeah dude he's like the tom hanks of his time yeah he was in jaws 4 and it's like the Tom Hanks of his time. Yeah, he was in Jaws 4, and it's notoriously bad. And somebody interviewed him.

They go, have you seen Jaws 4? He goes, no, I haven't. But I've seen the house it bought me, and it's quite nice. And that's great. That's like who gives a fuck. And you're fucking Michael Caine. You don't even know who the fuck you are. Simon Pegg said this, but if you say my cocaine,

but with a British accent, you say Michael Caine. That's in the trip. Yes, the trip. So good. You weren't supposed to blow the bloody doors off. Michael Caine talks like this. You know what I love? So we're podcasting on our way back from the show we did in Hagerstown, and we haven't mentioned it once.

How was the show? So much good. All shit happened. Hold on. it once. How was the show? So much shit happened. Umar, how was the show? I meant to bring this up a half hour ago when we were talking about The Wire. We were talking about how everybody knows Baltimore for The Wire. Do you know the band

The Stars? Yes. They're like an offshoot of Broken Social scene. So they're all like French. The other half became metric, right? They're like Swedish and French-Canadian. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so they came down and we saw him in Baltimore, me and a friend. And they do a couple songs.

And then in between the third song, he's like, what's up, Baltimore? Like kind of in that French accent, which I'm not doing well. You did a pretty good job. Yeah, you did great, man. Oh, thank you. You could tell that he was kind of struggling with english he said it's good to be in baltimore we love the wire and like four or five people are like cool like because that's when it was on and nobody's really watching it and he goes

it was right around mother's day and he goes uh if uh if if if bode was still alive he would say he loves his mother but he didn't play it smart, did he? And everybody's like, what the fuck are you talking about? Spoiler alert, S.T.A.R.S.? Yeah, the dude from S.T.A.R.S. spoiled it. Bodhi died. There were two... Dude, that's so crazy that not a lot of people know about

that band. Yeah, he didn't even know English, and he was just like, it's a shame about Bodhi, isn't it? Wait, where did they play? You know what's funny? He spent all day learning how to say that sentence in English. That's so rich. And it's when the show was on and nobody watched him.

It's like, what? Oh, my God, dude. That's so good. But I got to give a shout out to my friend, Brendan. He's the one that told me about Stars. Stars is all right. Wait. I like my trick.

They had that one. They had one song that I was obsessed with for a very long time. The one where it's... It's like a back and forth. Between him and a girl. It's like something burn. Yeah. It's really, really good.

You know what has a lot of back and forths? Blink-182. Too much. Umar brings it to Blink-182. Too much. You know what's funny, though? That Blink song, I'm Feeling This, is hilarious because it's... I'm feeling it. it's about having sex.

So it's like one guy yelling all this shit he's doing with his girl, and then it's another guy just going, I'm feeling this. He's like, I want to take off for a close. He's just like a dude in a tree masturbating. I'm feeling this. This guy's like, yeah. Yeah. Woo. He's the guy when you watch porn. It's the guy with the camera. He's like, yeah, yeah, woo. He's the guy when you watch porn, it's the guy with the camera.

He's like, yeah, nice. You're like, hey, bro, shut the fuck up. Oh, my God, I have a new closer now. Holy shit. Wait, do you think that Tom DeLonge voted for Jill Stein? Oh. No, Tom DeLonge, this is not, no. Oh, because he must be a Hillary guy because of Podesta, right?

Yeah, he's a huge Hillary guy. And also, Tom DeLonge, when Kerry was running, this was before he was nominated the Democratic candidate. Tom DeLonge was campaigning for John Kerry from the very beginning. Are you serious? Yeah, Tom DeLonge was huge campaigning for John Kerry since the very beginning. That's so funny because he was the worst candidate. He was so bad. He was the worst. He was great. He was like, I'm an everyman.

Just ask my wife, the daughter of the Heinz legacy. Yeah, I know. It's ridiculous. I get so mad when I think about John Kerry. He's like, oh, you don't think I'm a normal, average Joe? Well, look at me windsurfing. He was a really secretary of state he was he was yeah he's not like a president guy though dude he's just not cool in 2004 like do you guys remember 2004 yeah i was

really into politics because i was listening to anti-flag and no effects yeah and that's when i graduated too so it's like i know the world i got it there was like a huge opportunity for someone to be like fuck george bush and he got up and he was like he was just so fucking i'm picturing a bumper sticker just he was like in vietnam on boats or something he, I mean, Dick Cheney just ate his dick up. Yeah, Dick Cheney, my God. And then he's not even the, oh. Oh, yeah, man.

2000, that was so cool because I was like so into politics. Yeah. And I was like, dude, I was like listening to Democracy Now. Yeah. Me too. Yo, that's when I read the people's history of the United States by Howard Zinn. You ever read that book? Huh? Idiots out there?

Good Will Hunting? You Yelp fucks. Oh yeah, that was... That's a good fucking book. You fucking people get the wrong book. Matt Damon grew up next to Howard Zinn. That was his neighbor. Right, right. Matt Damon plays Christopher Columbus. He's like, you know what I wish? When I show up to your apartment in the morning, that you would have gold.

And if you don't, I'm going to cut your hand off. You got guns, germs, and steel. This is what you got. No one has ever talked about go hunting so much. I'm obsessed with go hunting. I'm obsessed with go hunting.

It's so good. I love it. Can I tell you guys something? I'm not sure I've obsessed with goat hunting. It's so good. I love it. Can I tell you guys something? I'm not sure I've seen all of it. I've only seen it in parts on TV. You know the story. Yeah. It's a guy. He's a genius. But he's a janitor at Harvard. But he's dumb as fuck. He doesn't care.

Well, he's a kid from the neighborhood. He's from Southeast. He's fighting everyone. He's angry. He doesn't have a father. He was tossed around. He got beat everyone. He's angry. He doesn't have a father. He was tossed around. He got beat up. He got on a train. Yeah.

Why did he pick the wrench? Because fuck you. That's why. Fuck you. That's why. And you know what I learned from that movie? And guess what? Robin Williams?

What? What? What did you learn? That if you're a poor white kid, life still turns out great for you. Guess what? If you're a poor white kid, you still turns out great for you. Guess what? If you're a poor white kid, you're a genius. That's what the story is going to be. That's the story.

That's the fucking story. You're a genius. What do black people have? Radio. And guess what? You're going to see a therapist that you meet at a community college? Yeah. He's going to change your life.

Yeah, you're mentally challenged, but you're really strong and good at football. This must have been done before with the black version of Good Will Hunting because he's a janitor at what school is it? Harvard. It's at MIT. Oh, MIT. And he fills out a thing on the blackboard, but he's just a janitor. If that was a black guy, like, arrest this man.

No, no, no. Arrest him. Just erase it immediately. What is this? Graffiti? Yeah. Oh, is this a Black Lives Matter? Then they just roll credits.

That's the movie. That's literally what they do. It's a 10-minute movie. Arrest this man. And we're going to dock your pay for slacking on the job. We don't pay you to write on chalkboards. We pay you to do the opposite. We don't pay you to cure cancer, you fucking asshole.

I keep forgetting to do the joke where I, like, because we, like, we live, like, right by Micah. And I keep forgetting to do the joke on because it's like it's like a real Baltimore joke. I was like, I live right by Micah and I want to like it's a dream of mine to be the goodwill hunting of our art school. Oh, my God. You just draw the best fucking naked lady. I just break in. I just break in and just like lump a bunch of light bulbs in the corner. Just plug it in.

Yeah. Whoa. Seven light bulbs in the corner. Just plug it in. Yeah. Whoa. Seven light bulbs? Who's the genius? But the professor comes and he's like, all right, whoever did this step forward. Did you do this? And the lesbian with the shaved head's like,

no, that wasn't me. Did you do this? And it's like the goth kid. The quiet Asian kid. It's literally like. It's the racially ambiguous goth kid. And then it's literally Van goth kid the quiet Asian kid and then it's literally like it's the racially ambiguous goth kid and then it's literally

Van Gogh's ghost did you do this no I didn't no I didn't no I can never do this you just like fucking

just pile up like you just drop a bag of sand on the floor and the funniest thing is like the professor the professor could be like

the same character it's the same fucking character like the Stellan The professor could be, like, the same character. It's the same fucking character. Like, the Stellan Skarsgård character is the same dude. Same dude. Same accent. Yeah. You're special, you know.

And Rob Williams. And the Rob Williams character, rest in peace, is just like a Baltimore. Like, just like the straight up Baltimore dirt bag. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. That would be so good. Josh, here you go. We need to make a movie. We need to make a movie.

Josh, how would a Baltimore... The Robin Williams in... Yeah. I'm not going to bury another Batman. No. You're like, yeah, you probably fucking read about what it smells like in fucking Camden Yards, haven't you? You can't fucking tell me. You can't fucking tell me what a dugout smells like during a seventh inning stretch after Cal Ripken had too many hot dogs and farted.

You could probably fucking tell me what Old Bay probably tastes like, but do you know what it's like to snort it? No, you don't fucking know. You don't fucking tell me what Old Bay probably tastes like, but do you know it's like the snorted? No, you don't fucking know. You don't fucking know. Do you, sport? Do you even know what fucking Billy Ripken's neck smells like? You don't fucking know. You don't fucking know because you haven't smelled it. You haven't actually been under the fucking armor.

I'll tell you this. Okay, you can say he's going to protect. We should go do Zuzamo's. You can say he's going to protect this house, but you don't know what it fucking means, do you? Until you had too many fucking pretzels and your buddy's about to choke on his fucking vomit in the parking lot. I'd ask you about life and you'd probably quote John Waters to me, wouldn't you? You wouldn't, you. You'd probably recite season fucking five at a wire oh believe you better believe rofo is the best fried chicken you ever had i keep losing the accent but you come from the king you best not

miss that's what you probably say to me wouldn't you i wouldn't what do i know i'm a fucking psychiatrist i'm a fucking i'm gay I don't fucking know I want to meet this guy Also this is such a real person This is like The fucking Robin Williams Of Baltimore That's a real dude

Oh and I love it too The character is like a genius At Essex Community College He's at Essex Community Yeah Yeah Only because he can solve A normal algebra equation

Yeah Ninth graders could solve Yeah you're fucking smart I won't deny that Yeah. Only because he can solve a normal algebra equation. Yeah. Ninth graders could solve. Yeah, you're fucking smart. I won't deny that. You've probably been late a couple times, too. Yeah. Who fucking hasn't?

You know what I'm saying? You fucking thrown your fucking life away. You know how hard it is for me to get you an interview at Under Armour? You haven't any fucking clue. You know what the fuck I'm doing? You know what I'm doing for you? Yeah haven't any fucking clue? You don't care? You don't care? You know I'm due for you? You fucking it up. God damn.

Then he does the Ray Lewis shimmy and walks away. And then there's just a scene of them at the aquarium and they're complaining that the Dolphin Show hasn't changed in 20 years. You can probably fucking tell me what Phillips tastes like. The Dolphin Show hasn't changed in 20 years. You can probably fucking tell me what Philips tastes like. The dolphin show hasn't changed in 20 years.

The dolphin show has been the same since I've been a kid. It's fucking... God damn it. That makes me so mad. That makes me so fucking angry. You can probably fucking tell me. Oh, the dolphin's going to jump all the way up there and touch that little ring up there?

Okay. Okay. You're just going to tell me what the light rail sounds like, huh? But you've probably never fucking been on it, have you? Oh, Splash Zone, huh? That's what I called it when I was fucking that squirter. I can't do a blow ball to my exit. You did date a squirter.

I dated a squirter, yeah. Talk about Splash Zone. But you did date a squirter. I dated a squirter, yeah. Talk about splash soon. My fucking girlfriend was a squirter. Yeah. I called her flipper. I wish I had a fucking poncho. I wish.

Make my whole damn house out of poncho. Be fucking better off. Yeah. Hey, screw dental dams. I was was like throw a fucking poncho in here dental dam I call dental god damn she a fucking squirter that's what that is

I need some fucking Patagonia down here let me get a North Face jacket I was like honey we gotta go to REI god damn I know that store rich white people go to when they want to hang out in the woods. She's always telling me go down to the harbor. Baby, we's in the harbor already. It's so far.

You squirt her. It's wet as fuck. It's wet as fuck. In fact, it smells worse in the harbor. God damn. And that's Jerry Seinfeld. Bringing it back to the first. I hate that joke that Jerry Seinfeld has about the woman getting too wet,

and he's got to get her North Face jacket on. I don't know. Wait, is that real? No, it's not real. Oh, okay. Did you think that was real, Josh? I did. I did, too.

A thousand percent. Oh, my God. A thousand percent. I was like, yo, I got to visit Jerry Seinfeld's comedy, because it's changed. A thousand percent. It's weird. She's too wet. She's so wet.

What am I doing? Literally, it's all he talks about is how this woman is too wet. It's braggadocious. It's too much. If you're going to get this wet, I'm going to get my North Face jacket. Too wet. What am I doing? She's so wet.

Her toothbrush was in her pussy. It got too wet. I can't use that toothbrush anymore. Her pussy's so wet. Her toothbrush was in her pussy. It got too wet. I can't use that toothbrush anymore. Her pussy's so wet. I'm disgusted. Let me get my ugh boots. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Where did that come from? That's beautiful. You know what I just remembered? A hidden gem from the show tonight. Oh, my God. Because we had the show with so many hecklers. Dude, it was a room full of friends. Was that guy when you were like, what do you do?

And he had clearly just gone through recovery or something. Yeah. Because he listed all these things. He's like, I have a job. I have a job. I have an apartment that I pay for. Hold on real quick. Even before that, it was even weirder. He goes, I got a job I have an apartment That I pay for Hold on real quick Even before that

It was even weirder He goes I got a license Yeah That's what he said You opened with I have a license I almost shit haunted him

For that I was like bro Do you know like Yeah Retards have licenses But it was so earnest It was so clearly like Oh you just got

You just got Off Oxycontin Like he just He just got clean Off Oxycontin. Yeah, he had, like, early 90s, like, gel, spiky hair. Yeah. And, like, a really shit. Whatever, dude.

He's fucked. He was, like. It was cute. It was cute. It's, like, a small, down answer. And then also the. For, yeah, I'm doing well in life. And the crowd kind of gave an applause, too.

Like, hey, there you go. Hey, he's got his shit to go. He's got a GED and a license and a car. And good on you. And then he looked at me. He's like, I'm doing great. There's a goddamn opioid crisis in these fucking towns. Good on you, dude.

In my head, I was like, I probably make like maybe double what you make. And I still feel like a piece of shit. Like, you know what I mean? But that was the cool thing is that it was oddly sweet. It was like from the mouth of babes kind of thing. He was like, I tied my shoes. Yeah. I tied my shoes.

That's the secret. You have to edit out the retard thing, but you can make fun of a guy because he knows. Okay, now we have to edit out two things. That's the secret killer of white dudes is fucking Oxycontin. Nobody talks about in their shoes oh yeah i don't know i mean if you're an oxycontin tying your shoes could be oh my fall into traffic you're done suicide you're done i was on oxycontin i tried to tie my shoes and now i'm dead i hung myself now i'm dead and now i'm fucking. Now I'm a fucking ghost. Now I'm on the inner harbor.

I'm a fucking ghost. Tied my shoes. Now I'm a fucking ghost. I want my wings extra hard and fucking dry. Do you remember the video, Josh, of like, Eric, like, I would say like a year ago, there was this video that went viral, like, amongst Baltimore people and like people on the subreddit for Baltimore. Of the teacher saying the N-word? No.

But that was amazing. That was brutal. I have a great story about that. Remind me. But there was a bunch of kids. You know the woman. You're like, just say the word. I don't know the woman, but I work with a woman who knows.

Did you work at that school? No, no, no. But it's a school up the street from my school. Go ahead. Sorry. Two things. So first, there's a video that surfaced of a bunch of tourists. There were these kids from Chicago, and they were in the harbor, and they all jumped in

the water. Oh, yeah. It was so gross. And then all these fucking people who live in Baltimore were filming. They're like, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah. And they're all like, whoa. They're like, you're going to die!

You all have cancer right now. Who looks at that water and says, I want to jump in? Fucking idiots from Chicago. Jesus Christ. It is so. We got two trash wheels in air cleaning it up. They're trying. They're trying.

They got googly eyes. It doesn't smell bad. At least it doesn't smell. They eat up that fucking smell. That's what they do. So they can set the dolphins free in the harbor. It's basically trash wheels going down on a harbor, which is pretty commendable. Is that a real thing?

Yeah. Yeah. I know there's going down. Yeah, no, there is a big trash wheel in the harbor. And they put googly eyes on them. Yeah. People went nuts. Yeah.

I signed the petition. Yeah, me too, actually. I was like, get those googly eyes on there. I want to take a fucking boat out there. Yeah. do i want to go on a paddle boat i was gonna say what are we podcast from a paddle boat oh my god that's like a dragon or like fuck they have like the tours too like where you can drink too right yeah yeah i've never taken a water taxi i'm saying let's do that shit yeah water tax would be dope, if we go down to Fells Point and take a water tax. Yeah.

Dude, we got to live it up, man. Yeah. You only live once. YOLO, bro. All right. You were saying something about the teacher. Oh, yeah, yeah. So, like, last or, no, this school year, a teacher got in trouble.

Yeah, it was, like, a few months ago. It was a woman who came from South Africa to teach like Baltimore City kids. And she worked in a really rough school up the street from one of the schools that I work at. But I guess like the kids weren't listening to her. And she like flipped out. And she said something along the lines of like, you know, like, if you keep acting this way, you're going to end up just you're going to end up being another N-word shot or whatever. Yikes. And.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, the best part of that video is, like, the kids started laughing. Yeah. Because, like, black people have the best sense of humor. Yeah. Like, they're just laughing at this white woman. They also knew how busted she was, too. Oh, you're done.

For sure. But my favorite part was when I broke, everyone on like City Paper posted it. And City Paper is like garbage. It's like liberal piece of shit rag. Really? It's that bad? Most of the time. City Paper.

Honestly, if you write for City Paper and you're listening to it, like I hate you. Whoa. No, I'm kidding. I don't hate you, but i do think like your paper is garbage they're obnoxious they're obnoxious they're very pretentious and please city paper no and this is just umar khan not the digression sessions or eric or josh but just please no i'm on board just please no like only white people read your shit yeah don't act like you're well and they don't act like you're doing all of baltimore service only white people read your shit yeah don't act like you're well and they don't act like you're doing all of baltimore service only white people read your shit and like it's so cute you shit on our house

that's just white on white crime it's my problem is the cutest but they don't even pretend that they're like not just for white people no they just like they really do when the riots happen they oh yeah i don't know about that they had such a great opportunity like the baltimore sun they stepped up their shit. And I know people like their shit on the Sun. The Sun's great, I think. The Sun did a really good job reporting on the riots. City Paper was just a biased piece of shit.

And I'm a liberal. But they wrote shit that was clearly false. And when they were called out on it, they wrote the shittiest, snarkiest contraction when they should have just been like, yeah, sorry, we fucked up. We were wrong. We were very obviously pushing a narrative that wasn't true. Right. But they fucking were so snarky about it. And it was just like, dude, go fuck yourself.

And their restaurant reviews suck. Yeah, fuck them. They just go after, like, the trendiest shit. Honestly, shit up. Like, you go find some good food. I stopped talking. I, like, prevented myself from shitting on them just but you know what shit on my show i don't give a fuck they shit on gin and jokes no they they

were very friendly to us but that's why i stopped but i was like oh we don't need you fuck them yeah but anyway so to be fair to be i mean to be like most of like the equivalents of the city paper in major cities they all suck those like free like publications where you can like look in the back and you can like find an escort or like a wheat dealer or whatever it's like they all suck like like six years ago city paper wrote an article about comedy and they fucking like it was just all really fucking, like, they didn't talk about any of, like, actual really good comics from Baltimore. Like, Jason Weems, you know, or, like, Mike Stork. But it was just, like, focused on, like, a very small hipster bullshit.

Like Wham City. People who don't even fucking do comedy anymore. I fucking love Wham City. I think they're great. But it was just just i don't know it was frustrating just like the baltimore sun had an article recently and it's just like oh never mind what did the baltimore sun say nothing we have to edit that out too are you sure no i don't think so no no i think you're right like it's just annoying dude look i i it is and they

do that and like they They wrote an article. They mentioned, like, three shows. They didn't mention a bunch of other shows, one of which is my show, which has sold out 18 shows in a fucking row. It's such a good show. It's such a good show. That fucking article, that seems a little on purpose to me. But that's just, hey, that's my hot take.

Well, even if it's not on purpose to me but that's just hey that's my hot take well even if it's not on purpose i don't know like i think both things are like they don't really know or care about comedy enough you're like i found one thing that's baltimore comedy yeah that's my article like to them it's like you also think about it's like they're doing like i don't know art or something but it's their job they're like here's my 1500 words you know or 750 words and that is like that is why publications like that are really troublesome because like you can't encapsulate an entire city like you're trying to in fucking 140 pages right you don't know where the best fucking burger is because you're just focusing on like the newest trendiest burger it's 17 dollars

right it's like caramelized and it has gold flake on it or something yeah like you don't know that what about what about instead of yelp but an app that's just like doesn't suck that's what it's called like you go to a new spot like a new city and you're like what doesn't suck i think that's just google maps yeah you're right you're just like, that's what I've been doing. And I just like Google it and I just like try the fucking first thing that's like the closest thing. And it's like, it's not good. You keep on trying it and you find it. Yeah. And if you're walking around and you see a place, you can size it up pretty good.

Size it up so quick. Pop in. Ask for a menu. Walk away if you don't see anything. Yeah. It's a little awkward, but nothing, you know. That's what I wanted to do in New Orleans, and, like, everybody that I was with was like, no. We have to, like, go to this other place that is seven blocks away.

We have to go to Dead Jimmy's. An alligator runs it. Yeah, I was like, what about this place that's literally right in front of us? Like, no, that's trash, dude. It smells really good. No, no one goes there. Nobody goes there. Nobody goes there, man.

No, nobody. Okay. I think Baltimore is like that. I think that Baltimore is a food town of that vein where it's like it's not a food town like Dc or new york or lar or chicago it's like it's a more of a food town like new orleans and like elena and like yeah where you have to go and like really dig through it out yeah totally because but it's such a good food town what are your spots i don't know any of my spots but like, like, what, you know, I haven't been around for that long. But what I can, what I like so far about the food is, like, everybody sells food.

Most bars have food. Right, right. Which is, like, not. But, like, kind of like their own food. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, totally. They make their own food and it's, like, and, like, eating is kind of food, and eating is kind of a priority, which is kind of maybe just an East Coast thing.

Isn't that always traveling, though? I feel like every time you travel, eating is the priority for you as a traveler. But he's saying that the restaurants do that. I'm saying the city is like the city on its own. I feel like that's a new thing, though. You think so? It hasn't happened in the last – I mean, I didn't travel then, but I watched some cooking shows and stuff. it seems like you know so i know stuff

i've seen a vice land i've seen a vice land show whoa that's gonna weed in it yeah that's my that's my that's my impression that's my impression that's my impression of every vice land show that i've also i'm also in a vice land show yeah and that's my impression of every Viceland show that I've... I'm also in a Viceland show. Yeah. And that's my impression of every Viceland show. Well, that's a perfect impression. What if that's the station's catchphrase? Fuck!

Weed! There's weed in that? Yeah. Viceland. Oh, my God. That's a great shirt. If anybody from Viceland is listening to this, it's not true. I don't mean any of that and still give me a show.

Hey, if anyone from City Paper is listening to this, I know every fucking... Dude, you know what's funny? On the last podcast, Josh and I totally trashed a local coffee shop, and my buddy listened to it, and he was like, whew, you guys are burning some bridges, huh? Wait, really? Excuse me, what coffee shop? Huh? Common Ground.

Common Ground. Is that in Hamden? Yeah. Okay. I love it it but we just said they're a little slow yeah that's all it is that's all it is they're slow and they can do that because they have tons of people coming but for somebody that worked in a restaurant for like 10 plus years and good for you you guys are so fucking slow like if i hop back there i would be

the fucking god of common ground i swear to god i think that every time i kind of appreciate i kind of appreciate that sometimes god i feel that way too it's like i would just like fucking from a service restaurant yep i just lose my mind when it's like you know it's like no no you guys are fucking up clean up your shit pay attention let's go do you know what i hated common ground when i was talking to uh the one of the people a couple of the women behind the counter, and they're like, yeah, we don't watch Game of Thrones anymore because of the rape scene. I was like, what?

I was like, what? And I was like, you know it's like a fictional fucking, it's like make-believe. It's not like a real. Yeah. Umar, but still. I mean, that's fine. I don't think it's fine.

Rape is a fuck... It's so traumatic. Well, they're like, she didn't have to get raped. It's like, it's traumatic. Are they talking about the Cersei thing? Are they talking about the Cersei thing? When that chick got raped. The one... The girl. I'm forgetting her name. Red hair.

Sansa. Oh, see, I didn't... I never saw that one spoiler alert guys spoiler alert sansa gets raped but i i but then she finds john snow anyway yeah spoiler alert again and that's all right oh yeah he's not dead he dies he dies he dies but then he comes back he does yeah they bring him back to life he was a ghost the entire time he was a ghost the entire time uh but alert uh all right sorry okay spoiler wait so what's it what's your coffee spot in hamden common ground yeah it's a great spot it's a great cafe i love common ground i go there because i like the food that i love i like the coffee but yeah they're just so slow it's just two people yeah and the division of labor is all

fucked up yeah and i'm like yo get me back there you can't not not notice that i would crush so hard oh my god were you you got barista skills not barista but as far as food goes like yeah paper moon um yeah paper moon dude you gotta fucking hustle i did dude and i was and i was on cold side so the way that we're cold side Is all the way to the left And that's where like everything starts So if somebody's making a sandwich The meat's on the right side

But I'm on the left Oh, so you're back at house That's where the toast starts No, well, the thing is It's an open kitchen So I'm like, it's back at house But it's exposed Okay

But dude, yeah, it's like So you were cooking though Oh, fuck yeah I was cooking Dude, I was doing omelets I was doing sandwiches I was doing ques? Oh, fuck yeah. I was cooking. Dude, I was doing omelets. I was doing sandwiches. I was doing quesadillas at the same time. Literally and figuratively, Josh was cooking.

Oh, amen. Dude, that place hums. And it was like one of those things like with comedy when you get stuck hosting because you're like, oh, you're such a good host. Oh, yeah. I would have to work cold side all the time because you hold it down. It's like, oh, yeah. Move me to the hot side. I want to go to the hot.

Hey, speaking of hosting, no host tonight. Yeah, I know. It's all right. Shout out to Umar biting the bullet tonight. He went first. Dude, you took a bullet and a half. You took a Kurt Cobain tonight, dude. God damn.

We've managed to go an entire hour. But now we're going to catch up. You know what? I think this is one of my favorite podcasts. I think I just want to release the second half. So we did a show in a hall that looked, I forgot to say this on stage because I got too drunk because they gave us 10 drink tickets. And I went last and I drank every single one of them.

Yo, Eric went on stage and put his sunglasses on. I was so drunk. I stumbled. I thought, Eric, you almost literally fell at one point. I did. No, I didn't. You looked like you were going to fall. I'm just saying. I stumbled. You almost literally fell at one point. I did. No, I didn't. You looked like you were going to fall. I'm just saying.

You stumbled. It always looks like that. Okay. But no, I kind of did stumble. What I forgot to say as far as checking out the room was the room looked like a wedding broke out at an AA meeting. Yes. If you were at a meeting and like two

members were like you know what we're gonna actually this is our wedding and then and then like they got married yeah like that's what and let's get some comics who uh cannot connect with us at all god it was but it was so rough it was fun i had fun on stage, but everyone wanted to heckle. I think Umar had, at one point, six hecklers. You had six people talking to you. And no one wanted to give you a straight answer. No, because they're hecklers. I asked the guy a question.

I was like, hey, what's your name? His answer, Umar. It's like, okay. And then I asked, there was another question, Jackie, who was a gem, but even her would never give straight answers. It's just like, god damn it. And then it makes it hard to do

crowd work because, what, am I going to play off your shitty joke now? This woman who was in her 70s? 60s, 70s, yeah. On a cane. Had some type of debilitating thing going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that debilitating thing was her fucking mouth. Oh, my favorite part? You know, it was broken her fucking brain. She literally did not stop talking. She was the one heckler that maintained heckling throughout every single comedian. Jackie was the headliner.

Everybody, she heckled everybody, right? She heckled everyone, but was a sweetheart. She came up and us after the show said, God bless you to everyone, including me, even though I announced I was an atheist, and said thank you for your spirit. She was so thankful. She was, yeah. I think she was a genuine sweetheart who was like,

I don't know, just kind of like caught up in the moment probably gorgeous human being gorgeous but probably hadn't been to a comedy show before and ever think that's what yes comics want and also did not know how a joke doesn't doesn't right i think not only did she not ever go to a comedy show yes not familiar with humor. Yeah. So it was during my set where I said something and then like I heard her table laugh and I was like, oh, Jackie, what's going on? What are you guys laughing at? She's like, oh, I was just saying and she like repeated my joke. And I was like, yeah, that's the joke. It's OK.

Yeah. So like, like, you know, you say something facetious and she's like, oh, yeah. So it's because she's not real. And you're like, yeah, I know because she's not real and you're like yeah i know that's that's the bit and then later when eric goes up you're you're you're coming to the close of your set you have a crescendo to your closing bit and she just blurts out like oh well that's not that was my closer to and she goes like whatever i forget what you were saying when she's like well that's not the thing and're like, I know it's not the thing.

Well, no, she was like. I fucking know. I was like, let's talk about lunch. And she's like, how does lunch equate? Like, how are you going to tie this in? What are you going to do? And I was like, oh. Eric has his glasses on.

He goes, Jackie, you don't know how a fucking joke works. You've never heard a fucking joke. Oh, no, I missed that i missed that oh dude he was ripping into her and that's where i was like god damn eric's gonna lose it but he brought it home and he's like and you know what i'm gonna kiss you i'm gonna kiss you on your forehead but only if you consent to it because consent is important and i was like all right he's got it god and then i thought she had a wig on i felt so for a second Yeah you went to the crowd and went to kiss her Gets an applause break as he's kissing her

But as you're kissing her you were like Shit does she have a wig I brushed her bangs back and for a second I was like oh no Dude the crowd would go nuts No they'd be bummed They'd be super bummed You don't get it dude

You'd be so bummed She would be so poppy. She would be mortified. You take that and you put it on that fucking bald-headed, not Umar fucking. Oh, that'd be great. Okay, Umar just hates that guy. You're not thinking about Jackie. No, Jackie was so sweet. She, like, kissed us all on the cheek.

We took a picture with her. We took a picture with her. We'll tweet it out. But, yeah, it was there was like three but like umar had to deal with like oh my god the one guy who like the moorish thing i didn't even know what that was i mean maybe i'm just like my i don't know what that was like i mean there's like for comics like it was like this black guy who said he built Europe or his ancestors helped build Europe. And I was like, okay. Well, you said that he was black and he said that he wasn't black.

He goes, I'm not black. I'm Moorish. I'm Moorish. And you're like, what? Rightfully so. Because it's like, I've never. And then he got self-righteous on you. And he's like, well, you asked a question.

I'm just trying to educate you. It's not my fault. And you're like, whoa. I didn't ask you to say that. I didn't ask one goddamn. I just said just said look this black guy's laughing or something and uh because i was telling a joke about working with black kids and most of the audience was super white and you were just trying to engage people i was just trying to engage and it was like when you have to do 20 minutes and you're going up cold ice cold yeah god and the guy like who was super sweet was doing my intro

like just for completely like he was just sweet was doing my intro like just for completely like he was just nervous yeah he doesn't talk in front of people yeah and he was super sweet but he just forgot the intro and it just made it really hard that dude todd is like the fuck like his what a sweetheart he's the sweetest guy but he um seemed like he likes talking into a microphone as much as he likes stabbing himself in the fucking face yeah for sure after the show like took so long for him to say all that shit oh it was so cute dude there was like 25 people there the whole experience was really really and it looked like so cute wedding hall the way it was set up. And then, so the show wraps. Josh brings Eric off stage.

It is great. And then so then Todd. Thank you for that, by the way. Oh, dude. Well, because I talked to Todd because I was like, oh, fuck. We didn't work out how this is going to go. Because realistically, Todd should have taken you down. Yes.

Or I should have. I mean, I meant to say, like, be more closing. But you also, like, kind of didn't know, too, because there was no host. Normally the host would do it. So then I asked Todd, I was like, hey, do you want to take him down? That was my fault. I could have been more. I could have been more.

Because I meant to, like, thank Todd and thank Levi. It's all good, dude. I could have been more magnanimous. It was so fun. And then so, like fun Todd brings everyone up he comes up and says a few words it's for the Hagerstown Pride festival

weekend that's happening in a couple months or a month and so then he brings up two or three other people who were involved in putting the show together and it was just really nice but it took so long and there's only like 25 people there so yeah it kind of came off as sad wrapping up a show is hard enough he kept on bringing people up

well because he was nervous he's like i'm not too good at this um i love todd todd's so nice oh you didn't see this eric but todd this is how nice Todd is, the guy that runs the show. I was talking to him during your set because he was like, wow, he's doing great or something like that. We were talking about your set, and it was right when you were wrapping up, and you're like, all right, who's for spanking kids? And Todd didn't hear what you said, and he was like, sorry, one second. He started clapping just because he heard other people clapping. I was like, Todd, do you know what you're clapping for?'s like no i have no idea he was just trying to help out i was like god you're such a sweetheart they were so nice and he was like as soon as i got off stage he was like i'm so sorry for the crowd i was like

nah dude i just fucking it was what it is yeah you know like you know super nice guy yeah he's so nice we all got paid so much yeah yo i'm running and we got paid a bunch and free drinks free drinks all what do you think his real name was what oh i said gary he looked like a gary i think he was todd yeah he's todd because he introduced himself as tj and i was like, wait, Todd? He's Todd. Okay. Oh, that was another thing. I asked Jackie if she's in a relationship.

And she couldn't give me a real answer. She's like, oh, I'm dating Todd and Umar. And I was like, all right. Yeah. Okay. And also, I guess that that table worked at a bank. It was an American Express call center. I was very close.

I was very close i was very close very close they did all know each other absolutely it was a fucking it was a great show and i hope we do it again me too man because that was so fun it's just nice especially if they keep paying us you don't have noticed like uh when i've done shows with our buddy ramin who runs cool cal and uh he booked shows up in like lorton virginia which is dope it's a great show he booked a show in the winery and i've done other shows like in places where you know comedy doesn't happen as much as it happens like in places like baltimore dc or like like hipper parts of virginia totally and uh those like uh i did a show up in like a fucking place called chantilly maryland chantilly what oh no that's virginia i'm sorry

in uh waldorf maryland oh yeah chantilly's virginia and uh it's just like two hours away from here middle note like just shitty fucking whatever small town and those people are always the most like uh like grateful they're like thank you so much for coming yep yeah you were it was so nice to have because they're like not inundated with fucking entertainment exactly and they're not spoiled with that fucking bullshit next life dude i i had that in uh this one this one i had that in uh in delaware and it was so cool i i went up in front of like a small crowd. And then also like for us, it's like, we think like,

Oh, what a shitty gig. But for these people, but for these people, they're like, yo, this is our night out. So like,

you're like, all right. So if you're like honest and you're a human being, they're going to have fun. It's so hard to like, it's so hard to toe that line. And like, it's like hanging out with kids.

It's like, right. Now with a kid, it's so hard to be like, you don't know what this is. Right. need to you need to fucking know and like yeah or with the same way and it's like when they're like i saw a cat you're like did you that's so good cool like when they think they're like helping but they're heckling you have to be like okay yeah okay yeah um but you think that like the crowd like doesn't know anything and then so

after the gig it was a little rough but it was fine for what it was this couple comes up to me they're like thank you so much so that was great uh do you do improv and it was like this like middle-aged couple and i was like well i started an improv and he goes like oh yeah my son he does improv up at the ucb and i was like what? He had like a knowledge of His name is Alex Glazer His name is Will Ferrell Oh Alex Glazer Do you know who that is? He was Alex Glazer Sr.

He's like he's rich now He doesn't pay any of the performers But he does rapes And he rapes But yeah it was just stuff like that You're like oh wait you guys are cool That was a show too where there was an active shooter that i was doing the crowd oh my god the guy that books and he's like hey man sorry the crowd's like there's an active shooter

oh an active shooter oh good yeah he's like uh he shot a cop and then he's barricaded himself in the house but what as soon as they shoot him we should get a pretty good show. What the fuck? Comedy, dude. It takes you to the weirdest fucking places. Now it's taking me home. We're very close. We're so close to my home. We're about to be right in front of Eric's house. This has been an adventure.

This is so fun, man. It was really fun. Fun times I've had doing a podcast. I think it's a great idea. I hope it translates. I think I'm just going to put out the second Totally Yeah I think it's a great idea Yeah And I hope it translates I think I'm just gonna put out the second one Yeah I think that's what I'm gonna do

Good idea Do it Hell yeah Alright Thanks dudes We are parking Eric DeDorian exiting You're the best dude

You guys are so good Good hanging man You were great tonight dude Josh said of the night Umar great job taking the bullet Josh Yeah Umar Couldn't have done it without you dude Umar great job taking the bullet Yeah Umar Couldn't have done it without you dude

Love you too man See you tomorrow possibly Hell yeah dude Bye Jesus Christ He stinks He literally smells He's a hippie

I love that guy Let's go home. Let's do it. Let's wrap this thing up. All right. This has been fun. Yeah. I'm excited to listen back to it.

Me too. I want to hear my Baltimore accent. That was so funny, dude. I was so pumped. I was like, this is going to be so good. I feel like I bungled it in the beginning because I was trying to make a bit with the Michael Caine thing. It was good. Cool.

I kept falling in and out of it. But thank you to everybody for listening. We appreciate it. Got to wrap it up here. Yeah. Are we going to do an intro to this one? I don't think so. Okay.

Well, then let me just plug June 24th. That's all the time we have. June 24th, me and Eric will be at the Crown. Yeah. So come. Yeah. Do that. I'm going to be in North Carolina those dates. Dope. June 24th me and Eric will be at the Crown Yeah so come Yeah do that I'm going to be in North Carolina those dates And I'll let you know how that goes And yeah we'll podcast before this

But thank you to everybody for listening Find us on Facebook, find us on Twitter Digression Sessions Facebook page And you know whatever Also we're on Laughable now So thank you to Laughable, Google Play All that stuff and say hello if you want to we love you david keckner take us out Thank you. I'm going to go ahead and get my who helped run that organization, we ended up actually having...

Oh yeah, oh yeah.