The Digression Sessions - Ep. 224 - Dark Mark Joyner! (@DarkMarkRules)

Episode Date: July 10, 2017

Hola Digheads, this week Josh and his roomie / tenant, Umar Khan, talk to Baltimore based, and hilarious comic Dark Mark Joyner!   This ep ranges from hilarious and mature topics like pubic hair to gender and self identification, and...the Sith? Hope you enjoy it!   Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, and Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on iTunes, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher plz!

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. I'll go around dusting. I got some dust. You got a dust. You got a dust. Yeah, never. I don't know. A duster? Yeah. You own one? Well, we do, but I just use a rag.

Where do you live now, dude? Oh, you got to hold it. Yeah, glue that thing to your lip right there. Yeah, I'm glued to it. I'm used to it. Mr. Dark Mark Joiner. Right, right, right, right, right. Rejoining the podcast, huh?

Rejoining. This is my first podcast I've ever been on. Mm-hmm. That was great. That's where. Yeah, my first time ever. I forget what episode that was, but that was a really good one. That was where we got into like the whole story of.

Jail. Of jail. Jail and yeah, when he used to go by business. Yeah. Yeah. That was a good app. So check that one out. And yeah. Sorry, Mark is suffering from bronchitis yeah right right right right and that's the business he wants to discuss he has a terrible

cough and he's here to educate the people on that cough if i just went on with the business yeah and i'm uh i'm sorry that my uh my dog barked at you a bunch when you walked in. He's a adorable dog. Yeah. Nobody would bite me. Not for like a lawsuit or anything, just to feel it. Just to get his attention? I think he'd get out of here. I felt, you know.

Like it's a pretty girl who's kind of an asshole. You're like, I just want her to notice me. She could be mean, but at least she noticed. Attention is attention. Dude, so we took, or we, I took him to the vet today. And they had to take his temperature, which I guess is just standard. And so they go to, like, he's already a skittish dog anyway. And they have to do it through his ear they take his temperature.

And he just kind of wasn't having it because there's a bunch of, like, hair in there that's, like, a little, like, he's very sensitive to it. And so they get it. It's, like, these two techs uh like vet techs and they get it and they're like oh 102 i forget what normal is for them i think it's like 102 point something is normal for a dog and his was off by like 0.3 she's like okay it's a little warm um and that might just be from anxiety he's just feeling a little hot. So to get an accurate reading, we're going to have to do it rectally. And I was like, so he's anxious. And you think shoving something up his ass is going to be, yeah,

like that's going to be less, he's going to be less anxious on the reading. So they put this thing up his ass. It's a shame they should talk about it. He's like, Papa, please don't tell them. But they put it up his ass and then it's 103. I'm like, Papa, please don't tell them. But they put it up his ass, and then it's 103. I'm like, yeah, you put something up his ass. I'm the same way with when I get my blood pressure and stuff. Yeah.

Yeah, if Umar is anxious, we have to take his temperature rectally. Can I get a rectal thermometer? Yeah, please. Nurse. I request one just straight off the bat. No, I always get nervous when I get my blood pressure taken. I don't know why. I'm just, every time I go to the doctor, so it's always high.

So the doctor itself or the blood pressure? Yeah, well, it honestly depends. Like, if I'm going for, like, an STD test, then it's just, like, even if I'm just doing it just to show my partner that I'm clean, I still am like, well, there's a good chance. It's possible. But no. The only thing that matters is AIDS. Right.

If you don't get HIV, nothing else matters. Herpes would bum me out. It would bum you out. You wouldn't know if you had herpes before. That would bum me out. Yeah, that would suck. But they got stuff to make it go away yeah yeah for a while honestly uh i was talking to a buddy who has it and uh

she said that uh her doctor said it's safer to sleep with someone who has herpes and is treating it than someone who just has it it and it's just not showing. No, no, no. It just doesn't... Like, just... Don't know. Right, right. Don't know.

It's just not showing. They might not have it or they might not, but, like, because if you're treating it, it's way less likely that you're going to get it. That doctor definitely has herpes.

Yeah, I know, right? A thousand percent. Well, one in four people apparently have herpes. Because there's so many different strains of it, too. Right, right. So that would be, like,

a cold sore. And just because you don't get the bumps don't mean you don't have herpes totally dude i'm like so paranoid i've thought i've had herpes so many times but it's not it would just be like an ingrown hair or something and the doctor's just like yeah like a like a little pimple or something yeah and i'm like running to the doctor i'm like what is this and the doctor she even like she was really nice it was like the nicest doctor she like laughed at me she's like no, she was really nice. It was, like, the nicest doctor. She, like, laughed at me. She was, like, no, honey. Honey.

Also, she, like, saw my pants. Like, I pulled my pants down. She was, like, four feet away. She was, like, that's not herpes. I was, like, oh, okay. Damn. She was, like, trust me. I know what herpes is.

Wow. Yeah. And she was just, like, yeah, this is just folliculitis. That's, like, when your hair gets pulled out. Oh, right, right. Or friction and you get bacteria in your hair follicle. Yeah, so I'm going to squeeze that motherfucker. Because, you know, I shave down there, so.

Oh, do you? Yeah, well, I keep it like. Not to like the skin. No. Yeah. But I guess it got like yanked out by the buzzer or something. Yeah, well, and then also sex creates fiction. Fiction?

Friction. Yeah, for these hoes it does. These hoes, they get that fiction that we in love. Yeah. They got marriage in their head talk about fiction let's not talk about women disparagingly oh yeah we got in trouble in the last podcast oh really well no just a lady on facebook gave me shit but it was cool it was a cool conversation yeah yeah i know but uh but yeah i just thought that was so fucking weird with the vet this morning like he's a little anxious so let's shove something up his ass yeah yeah oh for sure

and then yeah relax now yeah he's all right now but yeah his temperature went up and then like okay there could be something wrong with him i don't think there is but let's check with the vet and we have to ask before he proceeds we don't want to operate or not operate but like let a sick dog go like he's not sick he's nervous as shit and then you shove something up his ass like like what's next like okay we're gonna piss in the dog's face okay we know piss is 98.6 degrees so and then you counteract that with the dog yeah that's also like another thing i hate like, don't say anything until... If you think something is wrong, don't. Just test for it.

Just be like, hey, this is routine, whatever. Don't alert the person that something could... Because I had a doctor do that to me, too. My tonsils were really swollen one time. And I went to the... My girlfriend at the time was like, dude, you've been snoring like crazy. And you don't normally snore. And I was like, yeah, I know my tonsils have been like... know my tonsils like that's fiction bitch yeah i don't snore i was like my tonsils are like really

swollen so i go to the doctor and he's like have you been sick i said no he said um i don't know he took my weight and all this other stuff he's like everything looks pretty normal and he's like i don't think it's a big deal but whenever you have uh growth without any symptoms you know uh you want to rule out things like cancer oh and i was just like holy shit dude why would you say that fucking word yeah oh yeah they're very casual with that c word yeah so i had to go get a blood test which takes like a week to get back so i'm like just fucking scared out of my mind yeah i think i have cancer and then i and then so the blood tests come back he calls me he's like hey everything's good um but just to be safe i want you to go to an ear nose and throat specialist

yeah i had to go to him and it was but it was thinking about this it was like literally like a four-week ordeal where i'm like, I might have cancer. It's just like, just don't say the fucking word. And the way that my body works, too, is if I have something that's fucked up, I think about it more. And then I think it makes it worse. That's why herpes is so terrifying because stress can bring out an outbreak, too. So if you had a little bit of an outbreak, you're like, ah. Yeah.

And then you're looking at every little thing. Because you don't notice how many blemishes and shit you have on your body, and you're looking at every fucking thing. I never want herpes, man. No, definitely not. Definitely not. What time I took a girl back to my place. Crab, what are you going to do? You're going to get crabs. It's a part of life.

What are you going to do? Crabs aren't even a thing anymore, remember? They're like gone. Nobody has crabs? Nobody? I'm almost, they're almost extinct because it's in vogue now to shave your crotch. So crabs really aren't a big deal. That's the cure.

Because they live in pubes. Yeah. The Daily Show actually did a segment on how like crabs are like almost non-existent in Baltimore now. Oh. Yeah. John Waters is interviewed. Oh. Yeah. How about that interviewed. Oh, how about that? You know, Baltimore doing okay.

Guns, murder. Eradicate the crabs. Yeah, heroin. That show Keepers. At least those crabs. Yeah, those crabs. Just still cracks. Yeah, we have Catholic priests that are pedophiles,

but no crabs. Is that only here, this crab free? Is it across the nation? I don't know. Let me Google it real quick, but I think it's like... Let's investigate, guys. Let's go on a fuck tour of America. I think it's a pretty common...

Yeah. I don't even know anyone who's ever had crabs. I've known people with herpes. I was going to say, Mark definitely has. Oh, you said you've had crabs? But in the 90s, right? In the 90s, back in the day. Not now.

It's the worst BuzzFeed list. If you're a 90s kid, you remember crabs. All your friends had crabs. Which crab were you? I had crabs the whole summer. I didn't even know. Oh, really? You just thought you had itchy?

Because it's all the time. It's just when you get hot when you start doing stuff. You start moving around. Right. So you go outside. I just thought, I'm a little itchy. Take a shower. Uh-huh.

But you didn't see anything moving? No. I just thought, I'm a lawyer. She didn't take a shower. Uh-huh. She was down. Uh-huh. All right. But you didn't see anything moving? No, no, no. They're very small. And eventually, my daughter's mom, she peeped them. She was like, come in.

She got me to, she went through my underwear and shit and pulled a real tiny, tiny, I was like, hey. I can't remember what the bullshit lie I told her. Some situation, I was sleeping in somebody's house. Oh, because she didn't have it. You know, that's a toilet seat disease. Sure, sure. I got a bad towel at the gym. That's what happened.

That's what happened. You can acquire crabs in other ways. See, I was helping at the homeless shelter. And unbeknownst to me, I had a hitchhiker. See, I was helping at the homeless shelter. And must have caught it. Unbeknownst to me, I had a hitchhiker. Yeah, exactly. I was just doing my duty as a citizen. Bad luck befell me. I don't know who I got the

crabs from. I don't know. People used to have crabs, but you're right. People also used to have pussy hair. Yeah, it seems like there's a correlation there. It's interesting though It's coming Like women

I think it's coming back What's up This is Pubic hair is coming back What Pubic hair Like in women Yeah I don't know

I mean I ain't with it You don't fuck with it What if you like Pubic hair With a woman and she has pubic hair I ask her to cut her pussy hair off You like me eating your pussy

Then Damn Wow I don't care As long as it's not As long as it's not like unruly though I don't care It's in the Wow. That's interesting. I don't care as long as it's not unruly, though. I don't like it. It's in the way of me and the pussy. I don't care at all.

It could be unruly or anything. A lot? What are we talking? What if it's like that? I like the skin. I like the skin. Yeah. Pussy, I'm here to taste pussy, not hair.

Not hair? No. Not here to lick hair. Let me ask you this question. Let's say, like, you take a girl. I'm not turning down pussy like, oh, no, no, I will not. Yeah, yeah, but would no, I will not. Yeah, yeah. But would you, how far into the relationship would you say it?

What do you mean? Like the second or third time we have sex. Damn, that's so. I mean, but that's when it's hottest. Yeah. That's when y'all into each other. Yeah. That's when, you know.

Yeah. That's when shit is wild. She wants to do everything. That's the time to shave your pussy. That's very basic. I guess I would just never like whatever, whatever, like, someone's comfortable. Like, you know, like, to me, it's, like, whatever you want. That's what, like, that's how I would, like.

I mean, I'm willing to compromise if she's into something. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, I hear you. But what if the girl is, like, no, I like having pubic hair. Well, probably. She'll probably do it. I haven't had that. Yeah.

They always, like, are like, yeah, sure. Yeah. That's cool. Yeah. They probably normally do. Just hadn't, you know, man, not had sex in a while. Or just hadn't. Like, oh, I just keep a little something.

I'm like, no. Yeah. And just normally, for the most part. I don't know. Just if you act nicely. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I'm not trying to sound slick or nothing.

But, you know. All about. if you act nicely, I guess. Say please. Couldn't hurt. Couldn't hurt. Oh my God. So apparently the statistics are a little divided. Some people say that it's almost extinct. Some people say it's not going

extinct. Some people are itching right now. If you dig heads could get on that. Yeah, say it's not going extinct. Some people are itching right now. As we speak. If you dig heads could get on that. Yeah, tweet us. Let us know. I really haven't heard anybody having crabs in Cusco. Not even like a rumor. Most people don't talk about it. You hear rumors of herpes.

You hear rumors of people being burned in committee and shit. You never had crabs. When was the last time? Even a rumor. Even a slight. Yeah, I don't even hear people as far as like comedians talking about it or like or like a celebrity or you show up at a mic like nobody's like what you been up to like oof dude i had to get a special comb and everything what are you talking about crabby griffin

you know what i'm saying like you just don't hear it because everybody's pussy shaved. Yeah. Yeah. Not everybody, but. A lot of them pussies are shaved, man. I know. It seems like older women. Well, older women should.

Whoa, why? Because it's not as gray. Ew. Gray. I have gray pubic hair. Do you? How much? You just said you shaved, dude.

And you're doing the right thing. Yeah. I do, too, but I'm smooth, nigga. Yeah. Yeah. First of all, don't you call me the N-word. No, I'm just kidding. Don't come in my house and call me the N-word.

My goddamn house. If anybody's going to say nigger in here. Yeah. Yeah. If you're going to say it in this house, you put an E-R on it. Yeah. Yeah. I should only say the E-R.

There's a hard rule. Yeah. Hard rule. The hard E-R. I only say the R. There's a hard rule. Yeah. Hard rule. The hard R. I only have one rule. Yeah. And I appreciate if you respect it, please. It's hanging right there above the door.

Like it said home. Yeah. It's in that whimsical writing. It says like dance like no one's watching. Yeah. See the N word like no one's watching. Oh my God. Yeah, it's like Kalligrave. Say the N-word like no one's watching. C-G-E-K-A-L-G-A-R. Yeah, my grandma made it.

It's very beautiful. Yeah, man. So, Mark, what have you been up to? Sir? I mean, you're going out to L.A.? Yeah, I'm curing crabs, man. Yeah, you're here to spread the word. Ladies, shave your poop.

Shave it. Shave it. That's where you're going to L.A. You're doing a whole country tour to spread the word. Ladies, shave your puke. Shave it. Shave it. Shave that poop. That's why you're going to L.A. You're doing a whole country tour. Spread the word. Yeah, because I'm going state by state. You should.

Fly over. No way. I can get them crabs out of there. Yeah. Dude. Individually. I watch that show. What show?

The guy, you know, individually eradicating crabs like an exterminator. Oh, my God. You just, you're flying in a helicopter and showering towns with Bic razors. No, I got it. Individually, like, okay, you're good. You're good. No, I don't think there's no one PBK. I think there's just not enough for crabs to, you know,

swim from one vine to the next. Yeah, because even if they keep hitting skin and shit, they just fuck. Yeah, where do they go then? They just fall? It's not. Yeah, I don't know. So you can wash them off?

Yeah. How do you get lice? That crab is a crab lice. They're not actual. Oh, it's just a lice. Yeah, it's a type of lice. Picture like a tiny little crab. But they look similar. I kind of did, yeah. just a lice. Yeah, it's a type of lice. Picture like a tiny little crab. But they look similar.

I kind of did, yeah. Just picture a little pinch. It's a little bit larger than sea crab. Sebastian's down there under the pubes. You need the sweat from your balls to live on. Yeah, man. All right, so yeah, going out to LA. First time out there.

You excited? Yeah, yeah, going out to L.A. First time out there. You excited? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm definitely excited. I'm going there to do nothing, get in the water. Just laying in the sun and stuff. Oh, really? Are you going to try to do shows or you don't care? No, no, no.

I got a couple things coming up. I'm going to speak on it just yet, but I'm working on a couple things. And I'm just getting out there, baby. I just want to see it. Good deal, dude. I haven't even been. Nice. What are you staying with? I haven't even things. And I'm just getting out there, baby. I just want to see it. Good deal, dude. I haven't even been. Nice. What are you staying with?

I haven't even been. I'm getting a room. Oh, shit. Getting a room and a car. I'm going in. Damn. What are you doing? Airbnb?

That's what fucking these dudes keep telling me to do, friends of mine. But I don't know. I want a hotel room. Okay. Hotels are dope. I'm going to look at the math a little bit. Yeah. Hotels are dope.

But if you're somewhere Like an extended stay Airbnb is tight Because you have a kitchen You know what I mean Right right right And it's probably a little cheaper Yeah

I'm gonna look at the math I think it's a little cheaper Well I looked at the math On the Airbnbs I didn't look into any hotels And I definitely Wouldn't be able to afford A nice one

But I'm thinking Middle of the road Yeah yeah yeah You can do that too Ice machine Right right But I mean so far As to like If you get food you don't finish it's like oh i can put this in the fridge you know what i mean like or like cook that shit up when you you know on your schedule but that's cool man yeah i went out there today nice get the car next week yeah i

went out there for the first time last summer man it was uh it's yeah you can see how people are like oh like the weather is so nice and then like anytime uh yeah yeah i got up actually i the first night i was so fucking tired i had like no sleep and we went and did uh two open mics and i get to one and they uh it was me and isaac hirsch and it was at like 6 p.m it started out there so it was like 9 p.m here but like i mean i'm game for that. Yeah, yeah. But I kind of flew all day. And then there was a time change and all that shit.

So I was exhausted. So we show up to this open mic. And I don't know anybody. It's a weird vibe when you don't know anybody at the open mic. Yeah, you're like the dude at the party. And you were invited, but you don't know anyone else. And they all know each other. So you kind of just try to stick to that one person you came with.

Yeah, exactly, exactly. Not exhaust them. See, I'm going solo, and I'm going to, I don't know, I'm going to be somebody else. I don't know if I'm going to be somebody else. I'm going to, see, guys, you know my story. You know how I like to be. Mark's going to be a guy who's into pussy hair while he's in L.A. He's like, the more

the better, girl. Comb it out. Girl, grow that shit out. It's 2017. Ask for everybody. What I'm saying is, naturally, I would be like, Omar said, I'd be a little reserved when I walk somewhere new. I think I'm going to go out there and just be

how I know I can be. You know, and just let it out. Yeah. I think that's the way to do it. I'm going to act like I know every fucking body. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to be one of the annoying assholes that come around us here.

Hey, guys. How about that? I'm going to just go for it. Wow. You know what I'm saying? You know how some annoying dudes are like, who the fuck is this dude? Yeah. Why is he so comfortable?

He's maybe not a bad dude, but he's just too friendly too fast. Yeah. That's going to be me. I'm going to go ahead and I'm gonna just go in yeah hey what's up you're gonna be bright mark out there yeah yeah fuck it if they don't like it then whatever at least they remember me i like that you're gonna go la immediately like what's up guys what are we doing we're getting sushi later after the mic what's up i'll just jump in there yeah for real yeah that's something because i'm gonna be alone i'm just i'm gonna just i just wanna you know yeah why not yeah no so yeah we showed up to this mic and uh they do it all by um not raffle but like you put your you write your name down

you throw in a bucket so it's just random and uh i didn't know this out there but yeah i'm sure people hook up their friends oh well, well, here's the thing. So I was like fucking, I was like exhausted. And then I was like a little overwhelmed. I was like, ooh, I love L.A. comedy. How many people would you say? Well, it was just all comics. Like how many?

There was like. No, there was like 20, 20 to 30. Like more people kind of filtered in. You see more of that in New York. But so, yeah, it's just all comics. And then so they're going to get started. And then they pull the first name out of the bucket. They're like, all right, up first.

I'm like, no fucking way. And they're like, Josh, no. All right. So I go to get up. And the host, he goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy. I didn't even say who's on deck next. Take a seat. Act like you've been here before.

And I was like, well, I literally have never been to this side of the country but it was it was sort of like did you say that when you get on stage yeah yeah i was like cool and then you had like i had like three minutes but the way they do it out there is that so they'd be like all right so up next it's mark and then on deck is umar so they call two people tim used to do it at sidebar yeah they call two people at the same time i guess i guess they do that in new york too but i didn't fucking know that no i don't like that way i don't think there's any point to it because they do that with every single time so that they're doing that to save time but you don't because even if you go because

even if i go up for two seconds and they clap i clap i'll say bring the next person up i think they do it just so the next person is aware yeah i don't know it's stupid i think it's sidebar it's fine like i think if it's like it makes it more like a show yeah when you don't do it that way if it's like but if it's a straight open mic and it was just all comics so it was like you know there's no like artifice here it's like we all know what the fuck we're doing so it's like all right so up versus mark sidebar has people who come just to watch and it's you know everybody too so it's like we all know what the fuck we're doing so it's like all right so up versus mark sidebar has people who come just to watch and it's right you know everybody too so it's easy for you to go in the crowd and be like you're next but i think if you don't know everybody so it's like just so it's like a good point because it's all strangers so it's like hey

just so you know now it makes a lot more sense because you don't want to walk around and look for everybody like hey are you ted you know it's like yeah. It's like, you know. It's a room full of white dudes. Yeah. Who's Josh Goderna? Yeah, exactly. Act like you've been here before. Yeah. That's funny.

I love the way Tim used to run mics. Like, he used to, like, slap people in the ass and stuff. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then every time Tim Unkenholtz would go on stage, he would, like, fuck with them. Yeah. I remember one time they just started fighting on stage. It was so great.

I've seen a lot of fights. They rolled around a lot. One time I saw a real fight. Were you there when Ian got in a real fight on stage? Luke, sorry. He slammed a dude. Other than that, he swept him with the leg.

Yeah. Luke can kick someone's ass he is fucking nuts well yeah so what happened was a dude was on stage and then his time was up blew the light and he just wouldn't get off stage the second dude uh i think well the guy that luke had to like kick basically like the guy just wouldn't get off stage right no no no no no he it was before the show even started right because luke started the show luke was trying to start the show and the guy kept bugging him for time and luke's like yeah dude but i'll get you later like i've never seen you before and the guy like walked on the stage

and was like dude get off stage and then the guy wouldn't get off luke like pushed him he pushed him back he swung at luke and then luke just fucking swept him yeah and luke is such a good dude like because i i missed it so i showed up and was like dude luke kicked somebody luke just fucking swept him yeah and luke is such a good dude like because i missed it so i showed up and i was like dude luke kicked somebody's ass and i was like what yeah i was asking luke about he's like i just feel so bad man yeah he felt embarrassed i was like you felt embarrassed you swept the leg he's so rad because it's set like a weird vibe throughout the room you know and he like he worked really i would say like luke and omar are the reason that the sidebar like really started getting well finazzo finazzo started yeah handed

it off to those guys yeah to those guys yeah like i think they like they really kept it like really i never saw pop before luke huh i've never saw i saw a pop like with a nice crowd of people. Uh huh. Yeah. Girl. Before Luke. God damn. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Luke would bring out like all these like people. Hot chicks. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, holy shit. True. And then so when. So and then he handed it off to you, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got it.

How long ago? Yeah. So sidebars. I probably had the longest now like two and a half years yeah three maybe no no no two years and then um the changes or the changes at uh november you're changing it again no no no november oh is when you got it yeah that's what i'm saying whatever the month november december what is it now july does it ever get tiring hosting an open mic? Because

I'm not going to lie. I think anyone who hosts an open mic is like a fucking angel. It's exhausting. It is a job. Real quick, Mark hosts the sidebar, which is like the longest running open mic in Baltimore. And it's a really good one. Yeah, it's like the most consistent one, too. Right, right, right.

So not that one. I would get bored of another kind of one, but not sidebar. This is a real not that one. I would get bored of another comic, but not Sidebar. It's a real actual goddamn show. Have you been down there in a minute? No, dude. Dude, we got people. We got audience members. I should start coming.

I've been lazy, dude. I'm not going to lie. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm like, really? Like, till the end? That's dope. All right. I'm going to come through.

Yeah. You always forget that even if there's four people there, they're enjoying it. Right, right. But it doesn't feel like no for the comic no but because that's not what you're training for that's not what you want but then that is also what you have to train for too is you have to be able to entertain those people like sometimes people pay you for it that's the situation yeah so you know it's definitely yeah you get booked to do a gig somewhere and then it turns out there's 11 people there you can't be salty at that yeah yeah i've had people like co-workers like hey uh it's my husband's 64th birthday would you i was like no just no they're like come on he loves like you would not want that

trust me like you i know you think you want it but when it happens you will not really it sounds like like you're offering to like cuck the husband or something like it does not sound like comedy it's like my husband would like no listen i know what you think you're asking for really for a living motherfucker i do those all the time do you really hell fucking yeah y'all not on gig salad i had a commercial oh yeah what's gig salad told me about that was uh it's like it's a social media website for commercial oh yeah what's geek salad you know who told me about that it was uh it's like it's a social media website for performance oh yeah so people go and they like ask for shit yeah they put it out looking for x y and z for a party i gotta i gotta send an offer right now

right uh for a birthday party or some bullshit all right i'll look on that it's just like that sometimes you'll get there how funny. Just be like two couples. I want to hear these stories. How long have you been doing this? This is the worst one you've done. And glue that mic to your bottom lip. Yeah, put the mic closer.

Glue that thing right there. Okay, the worst one I did is I did a housewarming party and a festa in an apartment as big as this kitchen. It's a pretty goddamn big kitchen, though.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'll admit that. Yeah, kitchen and um it's a pretty goddamn big kitchen yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i'll admit that yeah mark but um not it's not a big apartment no i'm not saying yeah yeah no so they would like it was just them and me and the couch and um i came up and how many people i had a pa okay wait wait wait this party eight or nine my God. Is it all white people? No, black people. Okay, okay, black people. That doesn't make it better.

That doesn't make it better at all. I don't know if it's awkward if you're like one black dude that no one knows. No, no, no. That doesn't make it better. Very just missile. I'm just some dude.

I just walked in there. The only thing that's separating me is my fucking microphone and my little plug-in. So you brought your own PA. Yeah. God, that is so. The girl who had the party, this is the worst part,

did not tell them. Shit. There was a comedian coming. Oh. So when they showed up, they thought I was a whack-ass stripper. Oh, my God. This shit was terrible, yo, because I put my little stuff down and whatever, and then I started doing jokes.

And I don't know, they laughed a little bit, but then just one lady, she was terrible, yo, because I put my little stuff down and whatever. And then I started doing jokes. And I don't know. They laughed a little bit. But then this one lady, she was a little older. She was drunk. She just started telling me I wasn't funny. And it ended up, it was an argument. I did them. They paid me for an hour.

I did them. Maybe 15 minutes of jokes. And about another 20 minutes of arguing with this lady. It was kind of funny. I made her friends laugh at her a little bit. Okay. She was mad too. It was just weird. Dude, that sounds... It wasn't a win for anybody. No, because... For nobody.

With what makes stand-up like... But I got paid. That's great. There you go. But the cool part about stand-up is with like, especially with nice shows, is you're on a stage. There's a spotlight. Hopefully, there's a sound. There's a separation between you and the audience but this you're just the guy in the corner it makes it seem like you're not like you're better than but it's like you're uh like i don't know like you're elevated for a reason yeah there has to be a measure of performance

like exactly there's no artifice of performance i'm not just a regular person right now no it's like that's worse than that you're just a regular person right now. No, it's like worse than that. You're just some weird asshole in my friend's apartment. Right, right. That's what I was. Yeah. Some weird dude they didn't really like. I kind of made them laugh a little bit.

Yeah, it's like, who has kids? They're like, who are you? I know Festeem cannot handle shit like that. Like, one time I did my friend, it was college graduation party yeah in arbutus where he grew up so all his family like grew up in arbutus so they're all like they're really nice but half of his family's like redneck you know and uh and his dad like really loves comedy and and uh thinks i'm funny so he was like come on do a set and they had like a microphone and everything because and i did a set and just like everyone a microphone and everything. And I did a set and everyone was offended.

I was literally six months into comedy. I had jokes about retarded kids. What was your joke about peanut butter or something? I don't know. Tell the wheelchair one and the peanut butter one. The wheelchair joke

was something like I started volunteering at this hospital and I played games with these kids and they kept beating me. And I felt stupid. But finally, I beat this kid in like, I don't remember exactly how it goes, but I beat him in Twister because he's in a wheelchair. And then the punchline's like, there's no left wheel on green. You know what I mean? It's like so fucked up.

It's so dumb and offensive. And it's just not based in any reality. Yeah. It's still kind of like clever word wordplay yeah yeah i'm sorry i'm enjoying that so much i had like another joke about like giving someone so fucked up giving someone like aids or so i don't even know dude but also like being at the party and also people think you're being modest when they're like hey get up and do it you're like no no they're like come on and they think you're like being like no i'm telling you it's gonna be bad yeah then so you get up there you're being modest when they're like, hey, get up and do it. You're like, no, no. They're like, come on. And they think you're like, no, I'm telling you, it's going to be bad. Yeah.

And then so you get up there and you're like, I kicked a retarded kid's ass. Big dick, what's up? What's up? Yeah, it was bad. Who has pussy hair out there? And then this is when like, do you remember icing? Yes. That's when like this

just started was huge and all my friends were like really into it and i got iced on state it was like the only and i had to chug like a fucking smear enough ice after what is that so do you know what smear enough ice is like those shitty drinks that uh everyone like called you it was like the next zima yeah it was like a zima right right so icing was like because it was like a Zima. Right, right, right. So icing was like, because it was considered a pussy drink if you're a dude to drink Smirnoff Ice. Yeah, so it was like a meme in a way. Yeah, so there was like this thing called icing that if your friends present you. Like they get down on like one knee. On one knee and show you a Smirnoff Ice, you have to chug it on the spot.

Yeah, bro rules dictate you got to chug it. And that was the only time I did it. And they tried, because I was like, whatever, it'll be be funny but they tried to do it to me and i was like they're like well you have to i was like no i i don't have to just chug sugar you assholes yeah it is just a fuck ton of sugar in there it's gnarly so dumb god i don't miss that part about being young where like my friends were totally like that where like i would always fall asleep early and they would always fuck with me yeah i don't miss that part of yeah that's 100 white people yeah yeah they do not fuck around like that even when you're like teenagers fuck no no drawing dicks on faces and playing black people not play also yeah could you see that's

not a funny way to play. We've never, ever, ever, ever played like that. Yeah, where you wake up and your homie's balls are in your mouth. Like, I thought we were friends. I'll kill you. My friends used to, like, rub their asses on. Oh, that's fucked up. You know, when Rikishi was, like, a thing.

Oh, yeah. My friend was just, like, I remember being at the computer and he just, like, ran over and rubbed his bare ass all over my head. Like, what the fuck would you do? Mark's face right now. I know. I wish you could have a picture of that. Mark's face is like, are you fucking kidding me?

Are you fucking kidding me? And I'm not saying I wasn't a tough kid either. I'm not saying that. I'm not making that argument. No, Jake Chappelle had that joke where he was like, yeah, you know, white people, they're sleepovers. Like, wake up with a banana in your ass. You're like, what?

Yeah. Yeah. We had a buddy that would do that. He would pass out all the time. And I never drew on him, but people would. And they drew, like, a big dick on his forehead. That's insane. Like, big, right?

And he woke up the next morning, drove home, walked into his kitchen and like was like what's up mom and she was like what and uh later another friend of ours went over later and she was like they drew on him again talking about her but this also means that this guy who had a giant dick on his head woke up didn't like look in the mirror at all also he drove yeah like did he use any of his mirrors at all he drove home this motherfucker just forward forward thinking my life only goes in one direction yeah like you're gonna do right oh there's no way i couldn't look in my rearview mirror are you kidding me all the way home not enough for police not one if you would have got pulled over too it would have been amazing like is there a problem officer just enjoy it he's like son i'm just

gonna let you go yeah you that's punishment enough clearly have a long i've never was drawn on but it would just be annoying shit like people would just stack a bunch of shit on me yeah one time uh my buddy, Alex and Fish, they put, I passed out. And it was never from drinking because I didn't drink until like way,

like until after college because I was like a straight edge. But I'm just a sleepy kid and adult. And they put edamame shells in my mouth and they wanted to see how many they could get.

She had 18 in there. 18? 18 just sticking out of my mouth. Holy shit. And how many they could get. She had 18 in there. 18? 18 just sticking out of my mouth. Holy shit. And I saw the pictures and that was funny because I didn't even like, they didn't bother me. I'm pretty impressed by that. Yeah, it was impressive. I saw the picture and God, I should have been dead.

Did she wake up and think you were dying or something like that? Because I'm sure that would have happened. No, because they're lucky I didn't like choke on it. That's what I would have been worried about. Right, right, right. Like when you're breathing and you just inhale one into your fucking lung. It's perfect size've been worried about. When you're breathing and you just inhale one into your fucking lung. It's perfect size and shit. People used to just pull

the pillow out from under me while I was sleeping. It's just like, why? And then they call you a pussy if you get upset. Like, dude, you're such a pussy. It's like, what? I'm just getting mad thinking about it.

I wish I could go back and just like punch him in the face. I should have just punched him in the face. Right. That would have made shit real. Yeah. Wake me up again. Like, that's what you had to do. Assault somebody every time you wake up.

Nobody wake you up no more. Like, on the third, wake up. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Also, they'd be like, let's not invite Umar to parties anymore. He wakes up and punches people. That's what would happen funny is like i was and then these fucking cocksuckers i'm a morning person i would get up

early yeah i would wake up at seven o'clock sleepovers no one gets up until 11 so i literally would have to sit there for four hours and do nothing and i remember i would try to like watch tv quietly like dude turn that off for sleeping i'm like oh my god dude what the fuck yeah that's it i'm on that way though i want to sleep in all the fucking time i hate getting up early i just can't help it so yeah i wake up early too damn yeah yeah for no particular reason yeah well if I go back to sleep, I can take a nap very easily. Yeah, I'm into naps. I can nap, but I cannot. If I wake up at 7, 6.30, I'm never going back to bed. Really?

No, it won't happen. Well, so, Mark, is that from having kids or is that just how it's always been? Why do I wake up? It's from jail. Oh, okay. Wait, that's what you call being a father, right? These kids are my prison. That, too.

They're a life sentence, literally. But even with my son, I don't even take him to daycare anymore, but I used to have to meet his mom and take him to daycare. It was just a car scheduling situation. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. And we would meet every day at 5, and it was never tough for me. Yeah. Getting up early isn't. Gotcha.

Staying up late sometimes could be. Right, right, right. right right yeah i hate that shit that's the worst part about comedy but i do it all the time right right i do it all the fucking time but there's what much tough for me than getting up early yeah even if i'm tired i can just kind of do that just get through it whereas if i'm tired at night i'm going to sleep i might go fall asleep how old is your son now? four four I think the last time I saw him

he was like one and a half that's awesome so he's like he's like more than talking now probably yeah yeah yeah man he's using what's because

because like what? I didn't know that was such a big thing that's a well that was like last month this month

the sentences are getting better it's just watching him start to be able to string ideas together. Yeah, that's cool. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, daddy, if I say no to something, it's like, oh, but we should be able to do this because blah, blah, blah.

Yeah. Where prior to that, it was just sentences. Can I have, do I? So just, I don't know. I never thought of it as a big deal until I watched him. I was like, oh, he's saying because he's, what do you call it, a conjunction? Yeah. I don't know what that is.

I mean, come on, whatever the fuck it's called. But you understand what I mean? I'm stringing ideas, watching this. But also he's formulating like bullshit defenses too. It's like, why did you do this? He's like, because. It's the answer to why. Yeah.

He's been asking why. And he understands how that works. It's also funny. My friend, she has a two-year-old who's way smarter than your average two-year-old. But you know how when you want something from somebody, you're sweeter? He does this. He's just as deceptive.

It's kind of gross to see kids do that. Yeah, because his mom doesn't give him juice often, but he was really sick, so she would let him drink juice. And now she's trying to cut him back. But we were out at a coffee shop, and he saw apple and he's like can i have you and he's just like giving the eyes and coming and hugging her trying to be cute yeah i was like you bitch he's learned that but it's also like total addict behavior like he saw the juice he's like all right time to turn it on papa bear needs that juice yeah it's like yeah, yeah. It's like, hey, Mom. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, like just a little addict that wants his sugar, you know? Mark Unger, Andrew's brother, I did a show with him like a couple weeks ago, and he was telling a story about that, about his niece. He's like, yeah, I don't like her. She's kind of a bitch. And he's like, no, no, like hear me out. He's telling the crowd. He's like, yeah, I like her she's kind of a bitch yeah he's like no no like hear me out he's telling the crowd he's like yeah i went over there for like thanksgiving or something and his little niece answers the door and she's like hi uncle mark and he's like oh hey what's up

she goes would you want to go on a date with me sometime and he's like oh that's kind of cute yeah i'll go on a date with you she goes i'm just kidding you're too fat yeah that's kind of funny it's like well fuck you too then that's the thing it is like it's easy i think like it makes sense like biologically or from an evolutionary like point of view that you know like we like like there's a reason like kids are cute and stuff because it makes you want to hold them more oh they figure it out a thousand percent more and like protect them and like but it is kind of hard like i think like i was talking to my friend about it like it's it's kind of hard to like kids who aren't you like once they get past toddlers to like because they are fucking annoying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the most part, I don't really fuck with kids other than my own. Yeah, exactly. It's hard to like a kid. I mean, sometimes you meet a cool kid. That's a cool fucking kid. I normally like them like an adult. Like, dude, I fuck with them. I fuck with you, dude.

I work with kids, but that's different than having to hang out with one. Yeah. It must suck dick. Oh, yeah. You have to hang out with a kid. It's got to be a certain temperament. Most kids fucking suck. What about your own kid, though? Yeah.

Oh, does my kid suck to other people? Well, not to other people. If he's not, I'll tell you the truth, if he's not sleepy, he's a pretty chill kid. Most people tell me that. He's laid back. But what about to you? Are you ever just like, this fucking guy. You're an asshole. Sometimes he wants to sit down, but it's normally when he's sleepy back he's yeah but what about to you are you ever just like this fucking guy you fucking you're an asshole but it's normally when he's sleepy yeah he's pretty you know what

i like we we've always spoken to him like a an adult i think that's the way to do it and uh yeah he understands even more than he can express right and uh so i can reason with him he's just pretty chills man yeah it really is i always think i'm just saying that because when he's not chills i know what that feels like too right but i think that's the way to do it to like address them as as not like an equal but like an adult and not like as they will be what did you yeah what did you do today communication what do you like yeah and then you're because then you're training them to respond and think like that yeah come up yeah yeah yeah think up a little bit yeah well it's it's kind of interesting because i know i think i know what you're training them to respond and think like that, too. Yeah, and come up. Yeah. Think up a little bit. Well, it's kind of interesting because I think I know what you're saying.

Oh, this is going to turn into a TED Talk. But when you do that more like sing-songy, slowing down, that actually helps kids learn to speak because they're hearing individual sounds of words. I mean, it's actual words. Once they already know how to speak, I guess. I don't know. I just feel like, you know, if you have a five or six-year-old and you're like, are you thirsty? You know, it's like that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about actual words versus plate baby talk.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I do talk a bit slow to him, but yeah, you have to. He asks me questions. I talk to him. I felt really bad. I was doing... I met this guy today, this morning. He's visiting my buddy.

He's from... He's traveling the US for like four months. He's from Israel. But English isn't his first language. Yeah, and he's like, I hate pussy hair. He's like, I know. I don't like... He's like, hey, my dick got chopped off.

You can chop off your pussy hair. My dick got chopped off. You can chop off your pussy. My dick got chopped off. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever they do to those fucking Jews. You know? Jews. We can't talk shit about Jews on this podcast. Speaking of hair.

Actually, second rule of this house. Speaking of hair, Umar's Muslim roots are coming out. Dude. His roots. speaking of hair umar's muslim roots are coming out dude his roots i started doing that thing you do with foreign people where you like talk slow and it's really hard because you in my head i'm like oh this guy's not interested because he's talking slow because english isn't his first language and yeah and he almost talks like a fucking like pre-teen right yeah it's just like I started doing that, and I have to try really hard to not be like, so there's an aquarium here. You're making like a wave sign with your arm.

Fish, swim. And he's coming in jokes tonight. He's the show that I'm curious to see if any humor translates. Right, right, right right right right i've always been curious about that yeah i've just probably gonna be pretty hard well actually can't you understand more than you can like speak exactly yeah right yeah like he can understand the words but he's gonna pick up on the like cultural nuances yeah like slang and stuff like that like has a hard time he's been in this country since 1970. One time there's a dude

at Gin and Jokes at my show and everyone kept pointing him out to me like, dude, this dude is having the worst time. And then after the show he came up and he's like, he had a great time but he was traveling.

He was from Europe. He's like, I didn't understand most of it but it seemed fun you guys seem like you're having fun yeah yeah exactly oh it just seemed fun yeah i wonder how i would feel going somewhere where everybody's enjoying it like i'm not necessarily you know like even if like it's a natural thing like if you're around people who are laughing you'll kind of yeah yeah because you can enjoy laughter laughter in and of itself kids do that they just laugh when they think they're supposed to yeah yeah it's contagious and enjoyable you yeah yeah for sure you know everybody else is doing it uh-huh just you're laughing the way you sound yeah and then you look around you're like right right we're all the same page yeah i'm happy you're happy

that's why people like bloopers so much like yeah that is silly i like that the worst is being left out everybody you just can't you can't you can't catch on uh-huh god um yeah i don't think i've had anything like that where it's somebody's been foreign i've i had like the the same show that i did with mark it was just like a crowd of people that had not been to a show before like comedy before and I was just like hey what's going on guys how about a round of applause for this and they're

just like what I think I said give it up for and they like just stare at me and I was like okay this is our first show it was older they're like give give what up I'm not gonna give you anything I saw Dylan on TV. It was older. They're like, give what up? I'm not going to give you anything.

interesting thing. I saw Dylan Meyer at DC Comic do a cool thing where he's like, all right, so this is what's going to happen. I'm going to bring

up comics. Every time it's like, you know, if you guys just start clapping, making noise and stuff. Because it also

sucks to do the like, no, R. And I do that because audiences will get lazy. here's like you shouldn't abuse the give it up for no no no i was headlining uh the riley show we were on together when i was headlining literally every time in between like all right we got umar here come on let's give it

up and it's just like anyone who doesn't know me is expecting like yeah louis ck type of right and then like the first thing i have to say on stage like dude no please lower the shit it shouldn't be like a fucking blanket thing where you're treating it like it's a rock show it's like are you guys like to party! I don't know. I heard Pittsburgh likes to party more. I heard you guys like to party. You guys ready? Oh, airplanes.

Go to the stage. Oh, my God. So I work with children. I kind of feel like that sometimes, man. While I'm up there just like over the top, yelling loud, hosting. Well, you got to fucking engage people. No, I try to. I definitely try to.

No, I'm saying you need to work on. No. We brought you here to help you improve your hosting skills. This is an audio intervention. Yeah. Listen, that would be fun. That would be an interesting podcast. You just, you know. Listen, this is... That would be fun. That would be an interesting podcast. You just, you know...

Oh my God, you bring in comics and tell them how they could do better. So right here... You really suck right there. Oh my God. And I hate that look you make with your face. We'd have to spend so much money on equipment because people just smash shit. Oh yeah, dude. I guess.

Fuck you guys. He'll never do it. But Benji, Hilma Farb had a great podcast idea where it's him and a buddy just in the back of a local showcase or open mic. And they're just making fun of the comic as they're performing. But he uses the voice change like technology so people don't know who it is so it's just like a secret pot a local comedian just shitting all over other comedians yeah that would be so fun but it'd be so obvious who it is like for sure figure out their laugh you know like if it was your voice slowed down. The is so clear. I just

I think like like Doug Benson used to do that interruption show. Yeah, I think that would be so fun. So Ramin and I were trying to work on something, but I the like it would be too expensive to put together, but basically so you would do a show and you'd have a comic go up. You record it and then you could put it up on a screen and then, like a football game, how you would do a show and you'd have a comic go up. You'd record it and then you could put it up on a screen and then like a football game, how you can like circle stuff and highlight stuff. You could break shit down. Like, what were you doing with your hand right here and have them on stage and then like riff, but like be too expensive to record it and then have it back up.

And who the fuck knows? I think it's like a telestrator or something where you can like draw on. I have no idea what that is. But it'll be fun as shit, though. To like fuck with people after their set like what was what was going on here i think uh well why not just do the like the kind of interruption type thing well because then well because then it would just be the interruption show yeah you know but this would be like you record it and then project it and all that stuff so you know yeah anyway you can do a pad to a

projector yeah oh yeah i don't know i'm just also just like like i just like a straight up stand-up So, you know. You can do a pad to a projector. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That'd be cool. I don't know. I'm just also just like, I just like a straight up stand up show. Yeah. Also, running shows sucks. It's just like, I just like showing up. Yeah.

I like just showing up and be like, oh, that's it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It does suck a lot. But it's like, I don't know. It's cool. It's cool after it's done. And you're like, oh, I did this thing.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's definitely rewarding, but it's just, you know, if you could have your choice of like, just show up, do my thing, have a beer, and then I'm done. Honestly, the worst part about running a show is everyone before the show texting you the dumbest fucking like, oh, are there any tickets left? Oh, dude, can you get this person on the guest list oh dude it's just like dude what like or like people like hey what time do you guys start it's like every question you're asking me is on the on the flyer it's on the event page like i

cannot post about it enough like yeah is so i made a rule uh an hour before the show i won't respond to anybody's messages yeah it's a comic and it's on the show yeah it's better for you too yeah it's just so stressful there's also a website where you can uh you can it like basically record you googling something and then you send it to them and then they go to the website and it types their question in for them on google or it's just like the most passive aggressive thing it's so dumb like yeah what time does it start it's like you know like look on facebook what time do you go on it's a bitch every time i've said i'm not really sure yeah also it's like i'm first so just be there when the show starts oh yeah for sure it's so dumb uh how many comics are they gonna be just fucking come and leave

when you want nobody gives a fuck right right right just come to the show yeah anyway but i love all your support guys thanks for coming out yeah yeah you guys are the reason i do the show okay you guys are the reason i make uh almost no money every month thank you thank you um yeah man so we uh we got the uh the the three Artscape comedy show hosts. So it's Mark two years ago, Umar last year, and I'm carrying the torch this year. All right. Yeah. Right, right, right.

How weird is that? I think we'll do it next year because they change every year. I think I should just go back to Mark. Oh, yeah. Just cycle through. Start off. Yeah. Three years.

He's going to be a different guy when he gets back from LA. He's going to be Bright Mark. Yeah, Bright Mark. Tattoos and shit. Yeah. Do you have any right now? No. None.

Do you ever want any? Maybe. Also, I don't have any tats. You don't? I want to get one. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, I think I want to. I definitely want to be right and the right artist, too.

I don't want to just know I want one. I think it's just I haven't. Yeah, like Karen and I talk about getting tattoos. And plus I've like wanted one, but I just, yeah, it's the same thing. What do you get, you know? Like also it's like now. Plus I've got money to waste on just throwing on my body. Well, now I'm like 30.

Like it feels like starting smoking when you're like 20. Right, right. It's stupid. Right. It's too old for it. Yeah. Dude, you know. Why not?

30 is not old at all to get a tattoo really i actually think it's smarter to get it now because you're not retard you're not like like stupid you're not gonna like dude if if i got a tattoo at 16 it'd be a blink 182 okay terrible example because if you were to get a tattoo now it would be a blink 182 no i actually wouldn't i wouldn't i thought about it yeah that's retarded. Yeah. Unless you had like a bunch of tattoos and you just had like a little guy on them. Right. Yeah.

But I don't know. Like I want one. I think it'd be cool, but I don't know why I want one. Yeah. I think they do look really cool. I don't think it matters. Yeah. If I want one, I want one.

Yeah. Yeah. Like me and a few of my buddies, we have joke about like uh when the supermoon was around so we used to just yet like we got drunk and just yelled supermoon a bunch so now we've been talking about like getting a supermoon tattoo and that'd be cool yeah and like karen and i were talking about getting like a little saturn and then like a little like boat so it's like i'll be kind of cool to have like a little like scene on my leg of like you know like memories and shit that'd be dope yeah but i don't know yeah we'll get to it i guess but it's also like i just haven't done it so now it's like oh my first tattoo ever almost

or you could get the removal which costs a lot and hurts like shit yeah and it's still there you can still see like your your skin is like like a weird smooth it's not what about like the uh what about the reformed skin head it Do you have any tattoos? Nope. It's just like a scar of a sausage. On his forehead. It's just a scar. It's like N-I-G-G. Oh, my God.

He's like, I'm a new man. I'm a new man. Do I have any tattoos? No way. I have a lot of offensive scars, though. I have horribly offensive scars. God. Offensive scars.

What do you think you're going to get if you get a tattoo? Oh, I don't know. Like your son's face? Probably some words or something. Yeah? Some inspirational words? Yeah. I don't even know something had to strike me do you remember when like those tattoo shows were popular oh yeah the reality show yeah i feel like watching and stuff like that and i kind of like them on other people yeah i love tattoos on women i think it makes women oh yeah totally god like a sleeve

or just covered in tats is so hot. Yeah. Just one seems kind of silly. It's like you should get a few. I don't know. I think one's fine. I mean, I'm hairy, so that's an issue for me. So it would either be here on my bicep or my wrist or something. Yeah. I was like, wrist is for women, you pussy.

It's just like, yeah, man, everyone calls me a pussy apparently. You should just get a really graphic pussy right there. Right, right, right. I'll be on that snake pit yeah wrister for pussies oh by the way if you want to see really bad tattoos go to snake look up snake underscore pit on instagram it is my favorite instagram account and they just have pictures of like terrible tattoos like tattoo yeah let me look it up now let's just do the world's worst podcast yeah i think it's two underscores i think or maybe it's just one but yeah dude it is uh you can just scroll through that and be like why would you get that why and most of the tattoos they put on there are

like a lot of like really graphic dicks or like pussies and stuff there was one recently that was a heart but the heart was a pussy and then like the ventricles coming off the heart were dicks and like it's just shit we're like why would you ever get that like some are really bad where it's like looks like it's just like their buddy got a tattoo gun but some of them it's like an artist did this and it's like the most graphic pussy you've ever seen but you're like why why would you do that i mean people are dumb dude a lot of white trash people are into the monster energy symbol too which i didn't that is something i never want why and what does that mean i don't know i don't

know i think it's like in the vein of like no fear i'm a monster energy i don't know i don't know there's such a culture around that shit. Around energy drinks? Yeah, like I guess just like a cool. Oh, I fucked up real bad today. There's a, speaking of like white trash. You show us your monster energy drink tattoo. Speaking of, it just like has a blink-182 across it.

Speaking of white trash, I was at like Hamden where we live. There's like a lot of white, blue collar white trash. Right. And I was in a lunchbox, which's like a lot of white blue collar white trash right and i was in a lunchbox which is like a really like grease spoon neighborhood diner neighborhood diner dive it's like and it's like a lot of mostly blue collar people go but it's it's an awesome spot it's good food yeah it's just straight up like diner food yeah you can get a coffee and like an omelet potatoes and toast for like seven bucks yeah yeah

and so uh i don't know just telling the story about how my friend's dad uh when i was young he told me to go back to pakistan like seriously he was like angry at me because i because i disagreed with the iraq war in 2003 and uh i was really was that during your stand-up set yeah yeah yeah yeah when i was 15 you're like so this war? Yeah, I'm trying to be like Bill Hicks. Smoking a cigarette. I have like a hat, I'm pacing. Yeah, where'd I lose you, huh? Oh, you don't like the truth, sweetheart?

Yeah. Also, I need a ride home. Yeah, he told me go back to Pakistan. Go back to the Iraq War. Go back to the Iraq War. Go back to the Iraq War. And so in the middle of this diner, like, really loudly, I was just like, yeah. He was just like a redneck idiot who thought, like, you know, just because I'm not white that I'm not American. And I realized what I said.

I was like, God, this is uncomfortable. Wrong audience. I was like, what do I do now? Like, no, I'm. People look audience, huh? What do I do now? People look inside the side. It was fine. No one said anything, but oh boy. You're like, well, I'm going to go back to Pakistan. It's just not a conversation you want to have.

Well, no, I'm an American and you have to respect that. Like you were saying the other day, even if people are thinking they're not being a dick, when they're like, so where are you from? You're like, Catonsville. And they're like, yeah, but where are you from? Yeah, yeah.

That doesn't bother me. What bothers me is when people ask you, what kind of name is that? I don't know. There's like, can you word it better? Yeah. Or like, I remember one time, I was dating this girl,

and I went and visited her parents, and they live pretty far away, and I went to visit her parents and they live pretty far away. And I know they're Catholic. I was not allowed to tell them that I'm an atheist. And why not? A lot of people ain't with that shit. Yeah, that's a rough dinner convo.

Yeah. And I remember... Actually, I don't believe in your Lord. Her parents... Your life is a lie. Oh, we've been hearing a lot about you hanging out with this Umar guy. Where is he from? her parents. Your life is a lie. We've been hearing a lot about you hanging out with this Umar guy. Where's he from? Does he have

a religion? Is he religious? She was like, I think he believes in God. He's like, well, if you don't believe in God, your soul dies. It's just like, Jesus Christ. I know that. That's a fact. I want to say he's wrong christ i know that yeah like i was driving five hours i want to say

he's wrong but he's not i was driving five hours to this family and they couldn't have been like like they couldn't have been like nicer people yeah it was one of those things where like you sleep in separate beds until you're married and all that yeah yeah which is whatever it's fine i understand i respect the rules yeah yeah yeah but it's uh and then uh so like during dinner like her mom was like so do you guys eat like normal food and like you're just like but she meant to just say like do you eat american like yeah you're like i eat american pussy yeah you're yeah i eat a catholic american pussy bitch i eat it raw harry i don't give a fuck so uh yeah that i just hate that kind of stuff but i think people i get what they mean and then literally uh every girlfriend's family has made like a terrorist

joke and like literally every single one will make a terrorist joke. Have they ever been funny? Never. That's a good question. But have they? No. I don't get mad because I know sometimes I hear some hard R jokes, man, and they're fucking hilarious. What's a good hard R joke? From a white person?

Oh, yeah, definitely. God. Alright, I got a cup, though. Josh pulls out a book. Just slams it on the table. Reveal my swastika scar. Yeah, he puts his glasses on. He has a book.

He has like 30 books sticking out of his book. While we're on the subject. Do that thing where you lower your glasses. All right, what have we got here? The book's not even dusty. You lower your glasses. What do we got here? It's not even dusty. What do we got here? But no, no. Something can be, to me, can be funny enough to

be bigger than how racist it is. For sure. Particularly if it's true. Sometimes things can be racist. Yeah, yeah. Most jokes about ERs are true. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm totally kidding. Well, that's where the humor comes from because they're true. All right. See, that's what I'm saying. I'm still getting rid of it. Oh, buddy. All right. Man.

That's real weird. All right. Yeah, no. Thanks, everybody. Yeah, all right. Mark's like, I got to go. What? Oh buddy Alright Real weird Yeah no Thanks everybody Yeah alright Mark's like I gotta go I got shut down like that

One time on a podcast Really? Wait what do you mean? Yeah yeah The conversation was like Joking Joking like that And it was like a left turn

And Dude just got mad And just started I think it was A local dude? Yeah yeah yeah The very next podcast I did I did you guys think it was a local theory yeah yeah the very next podcast i did at the i did you guys after it was a while ago after i want when we turn the mics off i need to know who

this is no because what it is is i had well not because you weren't part of it then but yeah yeah and my first podcast experience was so smooth and it was loose yeah i was like y'all like this shit yeah i'm thinking about doing it myself. And then I went to a hostile situation and it was weird. And they weren't so cool. And they didn't want to... Was it like hipster Baltimore comics? Like PC?

No, not even comics, man. I mean, I'm cool with them now. Actually, the Bottom Feeters. I can talk about them. We cool. We talked it out and the whole shit. That's kind of like that thing. They fuck with people. You come on in Yeah So Dave's show

For produce Is it Or is he on it No not anymore Not anymore Okay It's Chris And my man

What's the other Little guy's name Or whatever But we all cool now Yeah One of the guys Is like a He used to be a wrestler

Or something like that Sure Yeah And it's love To those dudes too Because if they hear If anybody hears about you guys, I really do want them to get the love.

Yeah. I don't know who they are, but I just want to say it's pretty ironic that a podcast Dave Schoffer produces is called Bottom Feud. Touche. Well, he actually stole the podcast from two other white men. He like out white man the white man. Whoa. Yeah, he got in there and he fucking-

Dave Chauffeur is such a cuck. He's going through a real hard time. I fucking deleted him like four or five years ago from everything. Yeah, every time I log into Twitter, he's like, I need help. Help me. I'm like, I don't know if Twitter is the place to do- He wasn't part of the situation. I hear, I hear.

He wasn't part of the situation. It was me, hear, I hear. He wasn't part of the situation. It was me, the guy Chris, and the other original. Yeah, yeah. So what did you say? Do you remember? Well, I just remember they started giving me issues about my sound, and I was cool. Your sound?

Initially, the guy I had, whatever it was, he found the reason that wasn't even in a funny pretext to use the N-word. He said nigga really hard oh a white dude yeah yeah yeah and the worst part is the joke wasn't even another thing like he said it very casually yeah we're not even and now listen i'm not i'm not saying this is a pass but someone like josh okay? What do I mean? You're not white. Wait, so I just have free reigns to say it around here? No, I don't think, I'm not saying that you're black either, but if you think that you won't

get shot like I won't get shot, nigga, then you're fucking mine. You understand what I'm saying? You have a struggle of your own. So we're talking about a person who's not disenfranchised, who doesn't have to deal with people asking them questions about where they're from. Well, just in that way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever.

Whatever the case may be, it's the pretenses. Right. You're right. You're right. It's like what you're bringing to the table. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're a person of color. Although I may be stereotypically what you're thinking.

You don't fucking know because I know a ton of people who aren't, who look just fucking like me. You know what I'm saying? A thousand percent. So what was my whole fucking point in this? Saying that word. Oh, yeah. My point was i don't know the guy's heart and my point was yeah if josh were to weave that into a joke i wouldn't feel if i might do a counter hey motherfucking joke yeah yeah and even if i felt seriously about it i'd speak to him yeah this is

dude i'm meeting today right that's insane. And he's saying it casually. Casually to me in a fake whack-ass joke for you. So I start hitting them back. Bang, bang, bang. I'm a comedian. I'm being mean funny, which I can do good if I want to. Oh, yeah. No, you can bust somebody's balls pretty good. Really, really mean.

They start trying to, oh, he's too loud. He should change his levels. I was like, y'all can shut me off. I'll just be in the back and be funnier. They just weren't funny. They didn't have a grip on what funny was at the time, blah, blah, blah. And I was just cutting them down. And I was like, see, now I'll be quiet and you say something funny.

Right. Damn. And then I said something else funny. That is so much pressure. That is like the best thing you could say to somebody. Also, because, yeah, that's like pretty much. I'm just getting funny. I'm talking about how everybody else was in the room dying laughing.

Like, you know. Yeah. And that sort of situation. Like, this is almost a casual talk. Totally. I'm not saying I can't get it up for you guys. But we're familiar with one another. And that sort of situation.

Yeah. Well, they're trying to put you on the spot. And you're like, oh, that's what this is? Well, I can play too. And in fact, I can play harder than you. I was being nice. And now. And the other thing that they tried, they played this long intro with a lot of shit about fried chicken and watermelon.

All this other crazy shit. Who are these people? Well, it's the bottom feeders. You already said it. I hate to say it because we've since squashed this. Oh, sure. And don't say that. No, dude, we did come on here.

We'd fucking have a conversation with that kind of asshole. And I can be an asshole of my own. Right. It just sounds like it was like guys that thought they were being funny, but like really missed the mark. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just kind of over the top and i

was gunning them down and uh my beef was i don't care what you say just allow me to defend myself i'll be fine wow just don't say i can't say and they were trying to say it's not your turn to come on yet i don't know i got funny stuff to say right now yeah also you can you're gonna say that shit and then i just have to sit in the corner while you can sling the game no no that's why and that was my only beef yeah because i understand that comedy people people say that shit and then I just have to sit in the corner. Wow, you can sling the dick in front of me. No. And that was my only beef because I understand that comedy people say offensive shit around me every single day. Sure. Umar, I don't know if you remember this.

I don't even. I looked up. You and I the day I met Umar. I remember I did a real hacky blacky set, right? I was down and thought I did great because people laughed. I walked off stage and I just remember Umar just going up. No, first.

Oh, Jesus. Umar just went up and just tore me up. Just tore me up. Oh, no. And then he walked up. He was like, ladies and gentlemen, Martin Lawrence. Oh, no. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. And I had a good set yeah i just was but i was imitating the comedian and i didn't know how to

really you know be myself yeah and i was just doing some hacky whack shit yeah yeah you know if if if i know umar and i know how i feel today when i see people do that was probably making them cringe like oh god just man i'm sorry bro this anymore yeah no but it's real and i'm saying it's not reality and now we're here talking there's been a couple times where i've done that and then uh you know you have to have those like you gotta have those facebook messages yeah bro where it's just like dude you fucking bombed i had to save this show like i don't know what to fucking do yeah that's in front of 200 people what the fuck do you want me to do i don't know what i know what we're talking about i actually had a good set that's what bothered me yes you don't always have to say i know who

right right i got hoes and shit. Yeah. Isn't it? Oh, yeah. But I love the way you went about it. It's because you said fuck you, but you said fuck you in the parameters they set up. You're like, okay. I'm going to dunk on you. Yeah. We play basketball. Right.

Yeah. It's like, I thought we were playing horse. And then he's like, yeah, what up, bitch? And you're like, oh, okay. We're playing then. Let's play. Okay. And that was up, bitch? And you're like, oh, okay. We're playing then. Let's play. Okay. And that was the whole argument.

And at the end, they lost the tape. It was so, when I say funny, probably one of my best performances ever. Just because I was so heated and able to control at the same time. It was really, really fun. Yeah, just being in the zone. I've been back since then, but not that first one. That first one, we really, I walked off for a minute. I was pissed. Yeah. Yeah. And then, no, really, I walked off for a minute. I was pissed.

Yeah. Yeah. And then, no, no, no, no, come back. We want to, because, you know, they knew it was hot at the time. Yeah. You know, it was funny. It was just so interesting coming from the warm atmosphere you and Mike created. Yeah.

Oh, this is how podcasts go? Yeah. Yeah. Because I guess they're like, wait, what? I think that's how it should be, you know? Oh, absolutely. But they were going for like a, and they still do go for kind of a shock jock Like contentious thing

Yeah cause Chauffeur hit me up about it He's like yeah you come on the podcast And they kind of fuck with you that's the whole thing I'm like I'm not gonna let strangers fuck with me Like I don't care I mean if you It could be fun if you Go in with that mindset

You could just go in there and just start. When I go now today. Sorry, I'm looking at pictures of them. Yeah. I've actually met them. That's not them? Uh-uh. I've met that dude.

That guy was really nice. Okay. I think so. Him and Chauffeur. I don't know if they took over. I don't know. We're going way too deep into the chronicles of that podcast but no no no actually cool dudes they were just trying to do the thing yeah yeah

you know racist views or whatever and i really don't give a fuck about racism as long as you're not trying to prevent me from doing nothing people can feel however they want you know yeah as long as you're not trying to stand in my way yeah you know no i mean how you feel babe it's that's what i'm saying it's like really commendable that you weren't just like, well, fuck you. But it was also you said fuck you, but then handled it. I did for a minute, but then they were like, no, no, sit down. I said, okay, I can handle them. But I'm saying you still said fuck you, but in a way that like crushed them still.

Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Now you say something funny is so fucking funny to say to someone. Like, what a fuck you. I guess like I could be a little sympathetic if someone was attempting to be funny, but like, God, how much lack of self-awareness do you have to have?

Just like, alright, Mark, you've been to prison for 10 years anyway. Not even that. I mean, just don't hold me back. I can always defend myself with talking shit. Always. In fact, I prefer shoot at me. Now we got something to do.

I don't even mind hecklers on stage. Please heckle me. At the time, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to say. Sometimes hecklers, they'll save a set, man. Man, they don't bother me one goddamn bit. The meaner, the better. It's funny. Yeah, it usually makes it fun, too.

The best thing, too, is just repeat what they say. You just give them enough rope, they're fucking hang themselves so uh fuck what was i gonna say oh yeah so like as far as like saying the the n-word and being being offensive i don't think no i'm just kidding i i think i think it is super offensive but i i fucked up recently i didn't even know that i fucked up. Oh, you're talking about with our friend Russ Green. I was talking about Ralphie May, and Ralphie May drops the N-word casually. Who's like a fat white comic. Yeah, and I don't know how I feel about that. Exactly.

And I was telling Russ about it. What context does he drop it in, Ralphie? He just feels like he came up around black people, and he can say nigga. Oh, for real? I do feel like that, but I personally, it fucks with me. I don't like that. Like you hear it, it hurts. Yeah, it bothers me because, you know, regardless of how you grew up, you still don't have to.

You can turn that shit off. You have to respect it. Yeah, exactly. You know what you're saying. You can walk somewhere else and it ain't on you. Well, think about it. Think about it. So you can feel like us.

Right. But when it you know when it's all gone said and done motherfucker you're not yeah that's not you don't have to wear that bird yeah that's not yours you cannot say that yeah that's why when the bill maher thing he was like well look i have a track record obviously i you know i was trying to be funny it's like yeah but also there was no reason for you to say you don't have to and we talked about that on the last podcast anyway but i get him and sometimes i don't feel that you know uh white people who have that attitude are necessarily wrong i think they're just being insensitive and they don't

understand i think they feel like you know come on i've been embraced i came up this way blah blah but you just just put yourself in someone else's shoes for a second yeah and just you know it's just it's just unfair it's just you can't play both sides of the fence you're just not yeah which which either way how you feel if you think that you're not you are you know it's like yeah because when you walk away your skin color is yours and mine you know someone like i like i'm not even a way where like if you're explaining something or someone says like that doesn't bother me yeah it's the use of it as if it's yours like i would say and nigga no yeah yeah no absolutely not if you're repeating something or whatever yeah see that's where i fucked up and i i should have been like more mindful of that so i was telling russ what he said because we were in the green room and ralphie may called um he called heat ledger the

n-word because batman was on and on. I think I listened to that podcast. I remember having a feeling about it. I don't know if I kept that part in there. Maybe I did in the beginning. I just remember him casually saying it or something like that. I just remember feeling it. He also said it on stage too and even pointed out a black guy.

He's probably got a response joke to it. Yeah. I was telling Russ because he was like, what did he say and i was like oh and i told him what he said and uh and then later russ i saw him he's like he's like josh man it wasn't it was like months later he was like yeah because he told me that months ago he was like man i almost had to smack a white dude and i was like who he's like i don't want to say and i was like come on man he's like all right it was kaderna yeah i was like yeah so when he brought it up i was like i didn on, man. He's like, all right. It was Kaderna. Yeah. I was like, yeah. So when he brought it up, I was like, I didn't even know because I wasn't even like trying

to be like using casually. I was like, no, I was trying to tell you what this other guy said. But it was like a real moment for me of realizing like, oh, like you have to be sensitive to that. Like even when quoting, you know. So, yeah, I felt felt real. I used to say on stage, dude. I used to have a joke where I screamed it at least three times.

Not with the ER. Oh, yeah, about your brother. With my brother. And most of the time, it would crush. There was one show. It was at an open mic. It was a nightmare. We get to this open mic that somebody was hosting.

And it was just a shit show because the owner forgot that there was a comedy show they double booked karaoke and the karaoke people were like hey why don't you guys do a set then we'll do karaoke set comedy set karaoke which is i should have just walked away yeah because if you're not prepared for comedy so that i do the joke where i say the n word and you just hear these two older black people at the bar go what did he just say? And were like pissed and like walked out of the bar. Because you know that hurt like affects them totally. They don't know anything

about you. They don't know anything. And they weren't there for comedy. All they know is just some asshole yelling the N-word. And one guy was really cool. He's like, dude, look, I used to do comedy. You don't have to apologize, but like you need to understand. Yeah.

And I never have done it ever since. Yeah. It's not worth it. Exactly. It's like, well, what are you trying to do? Right, right, right. Plus, yeah. Yeah.

Like, honestly, I just thought it was a funny story, and it used to do well. But it was like, man, I never want someone to feel that way ever because of me. You know? Because your whole goal is to make people laugh. Right, not the opposite. And people can't handle it. It's like, well, maybe you're an idiot if you can't evolve enough to understand

why that bothers somebody. Yeah, exactly. But these faggots... Yeah, dude. Hey, they choose to be that way. It's an affront to God. It's fucked up. It's fucked up. It's fucked up.

It's so fucked up. Anyway, hey, Mark, how did you impersonate me and Josh? Wow. Oh, my God. Wow. These are the words of bright Mark. Yeah. Yeah, man.

So that said, when you use that word on stage, though, it usually cracks me up every time because you're calling somebody the N-word that shouldn't be the N-word. That's the only way I do it. You're calling a white person the N-word. I do that intentionally. When you say, you're a bit about Superman, where you say, this N-word's Superman, too. Calling Superman. I was like, mwah.

Just say it. Just say it. No, not the bit, but just say N-word Superman. No. You don't have to. No. I would be like, yeah, do it. No, not the bit, but just say N-word Superman. No. You don't have to. No. I would be like, yeah, do it. No, it's like, nigga, if you don't know this nigga, it's like, I don't know if you know

this nigga, but I'm Superman too. Yeah. This is so funny. Because you're trying to tell the story. He's a particular Superman, the one that lost his power. Right. And you're trying to describe with comedy where it's like you think a joke's going to hit and then it doesn't. And then you're like, Superman too, like that lost his power. Right, and you were trying to describe with comedy where it's like you think a joke's going to hit, and then it doesn't, and then you're like,

Superman, too, thought he could fly, and it's like, oh, no, I'm still right here. Yeah, I'm on the ground. And he got his ass beat by them truckers. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know how we ended on this whole N-word dissertation here, but... Right.

But it was good. Yeah, I did, too. I did, too. You know, we were enlightening people. Yeah. Right. Hopefully someone. The person is still listening that was offended from the last podcast.

Right, right, right. We're woke. Oh, they're going to be pissed at this one. Oh, yeah. I did just say faggot. You're right. Oh, we said everything. I talked a bunch of shit about women earlier.

Oh, yeah. She's going to hate. But whatever that you're into, you know. You're not forcing anybody to be into it. All right. I'm just saying shave your snatch. Yeah. Or I'll hold you down and shave it know. You're not forcing anybody to be into it. All right. I'm just going to shave your snatch. Yeah. Or I'll hold you down and shave it myself.

Oh, my. Right? You dirty whore. Yeah. Jesus. Slut. Once again, Mark with a great impression of Josh Guterna. Really?

Yeah. Your voice work. Man, you should go into. Yeah. You should do voiceover, man. Yeah. I haven't seen your impression work in a while. Really impressive. Really impressive. I'm burying these. So, hopefully. do voiceover man i haven't seen your impression work in a while really impressive really

that's where i get nervous of like my boss or somebody like but it's like no one's listening to an hour fucking podcast you know yeah yeah well you'd be surprised no you would be because i did have a co-worker who was like hey you guys made me laugh and i was like jesus yeah yeah it's scary yeah when uh yeah people are like, oh, yeah, so you have a podcast? I'm like, ugh. Yeah, yeah. And you want to get the word out, but then you're also like,

Yeah, that's the hard part. It's like, I want all my social media to be public. Right. And you're just like, oh, boy. Right, but you got, you know, you're doing things you're not proud of. I'm ready to be fired, whatever.

I'm just, man, I'm not going to change, I don't know, too much. Yeah. See, but you have, see, you got to decide. Are you going to be halfway in, halfway out? I think I'm half.

I wonder about that. I'm half. Hard girls are never going to listen to this. But like, yeah, if you're doing stuff on the streets, you know what I mean?

Yeah. You can't, I can't even post the way I want because, yeah. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? But it leaves you

in a bad place. You're in the middle. Yeah, I know, I know. That is true. Somebody told me that. They're like, dude, you got're in the middle. Yeah, I know. I know. That is true. Somebody told me that. They're like, dude, you got to commit. Yeah. Yeah, it's tough because I'm there too.

I'm lucky that my job is pretty secure. But if I ever want to move or get another job, I mean, they Google me. This podcast is going to pop up. And then they're like, hey, let's listen to an episode real quick. And it's like, who knows what they're going to hear. And even if it's fucked up, but obviously we're kidding. they're like hey let's listen to an episode real quick you know it's like who knows what they're gonna hear right and even if it's like you know it's fucked up but obviously we're kidding they're like no you know what i mean like right and there's footage out there there's audio everything's fucking out there uh umar just went to go pee so the thing is it'll only count when and if you make it big yeah it's the goal it's the back in the archives. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I've said everything.

Oh, yeah, yeah. But also, who hasn't? Yeah. That's the dumb part. Especially now, today. Everybody, you can find some really damaging shit. You know, because you're a human. That's what I mean.

If anyone was recorded their entire lives. Oh, yeah. There's nobody without, you know, something terrible terrible something terrible zero perfect people certainly also with like this definitely with your words oh certainly with your words yeah and with the like the way people are held like that they're trying to hold society to a standard and stuff it's like oh let's get this person well they said this where it's like because you know and it's like they're just doing that because they think other people care. And it's like you've all, everybody has said something fucking awful, you know.

Fortunately or unfortunately, this is how Donald Trump selected. That's how he got there. Well, because it got pushed too far to one side. You're right. The attention span of people are so small. He does one terrible thing after another terrible thing after another terrible thing you all you just he he's washing off shit with shit it's a good way and it works yeah because you know it's like the surface area of the table is only so far yeah it can only hold so much shit yeah putting fresh shit and then you're like no that's old shit who cares about

the old shit that new shit smells terrible and he's realizing america could take x amount of shit well also if it like what we're talking? And he's realizing America can take X amount of shit. Well, also, like what we're talking about, too, where it was, you know, people have said this, but the over-PCing of, like, culture of being like. Oh, yeah, makes people want to push back. Yeah. So then when you have a guy out there, it's like, Mexicans are gross. We're building a wall. Fuck ISIS.

America rules. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, he hasn't said the unword, but Kelly said it before. I'm voting for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He hasn't said the un-word, but Kelly said it before. I'm voting for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that about Trump all the time. Oh, a thousand percent. Are you kidding me?

In fact, I had a joke like that. I was like, I said, what if he turns out to be a good president and he does all the stuff we thought Obama was going to do? Right, right, right. Change the bridges and the roads. Yeah. Say nigga on TV. He's going to do all that shit

That'd be awesome That'd be great If he actually slipped And said the N word on TV Right That'd be done Well Nope

Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Fuck no He's already done with black people

He has no support of black people It makes no difference Yeah It makes no difference And his supporters would be like We all say that Right all say yeah it would actually it would strengthen his base yeah on fox news we just had to just for a day that would be so watching fox news try to like talk them like you know have to like yeah and that would be

ninja work they would have to do through lasers they'd have to blame it on the person he was with. Remember when they blamed the pussy comment on Ryan Seacrest? He was trying to impress Ryan Seacrest. So this is the guy that's going to be president. He's like, well, he's just trying to look cool in front of Ryan Seacrest. No, Billy Bush. I actually think that's probably what he was. It's still shitty.

Right. But that's the shittiest part. I think that's what they said on Comptown where it's like it's like the worst part about the whole thing is he's trying to impress billy bush yeah but i i think that's just his personality all the time though like i'm cool i'm really cool yeah yeah yeah i'm cool yeah big time guy that's i'm so cool it's unbelievable we're in such a dangerous position oh yeah i know just the united states oh yeah this country we live in yeah yeah it's fucking uh scary it is yeah well you know whatever just if you're obsessed with the news like me i don't i just i check i check it every day yeah but also it's like we can do anything that's why

i stopped checking it's like i'm not doing anything to make a difference. But I think like I know people in my life. Like I have friends who like are very involved. And like so yeah, it makes sense. But like for me, I'm going to check it and just be bummed out. So just like and then go beat off and work out. But that's what they want you to do though. That's when it gets easier to like pull all that

shit off you know what i mean so it's like i at least want to stay informed about it yeah that way probably gonna have to be forcibly removed from office i just want to know how is he not dead when do we you know shake the gates yeah yeah i mean he's yeah we gotta do a uh like a fucking a cool like yeah like the. Like how they got Mubarak. A coup. That's what it's called, right? A coup. C-O-U-P.

Yeah. We got to make the coup cool again. Yeah. A coup matata. A coup matata. That would be so rad. Let's get him the fuck out of here. The most PC coup.

Yeah. We're actually calling it a ha-coup matata. We totally got to need you to leave. I wonder what people would do if the same amount of people who were at the Women's March, we just sat in DC and we're like, man, we're not leaving until you guys are gone. Yeah. What could they do? Could you get the fuck out of here?

They'd send in the National Guard. And do what? Forcibly remove everybody. But we have the right to peacefully protest. This shit could get funky. Sure. Everybody does. It doesn't stop cops from busting them up all the time

It happens all the time But this shit could get funky like other countries like Syria and shit That was a civil war people I don't think it's that bad at all I don't think it's impossible How far can Donald Trump go? I don't think that far First of all the impeachment process takes about 18 months

Yeah I don't know I just agreed I don't know But they haven't even considered such a measure. I just agreed. I don't know. Yeah, but they haven't even considered such a measure. Well, because it's all Republicans. It's all Republicans. I know. We understand that. So they haven't even considered.

What does he have to do for that to even be considered? I don't even know. Say the N-word on TV. No. Are you kidding? Republicans are going to be like. Are you kidding? Are you kidding on TV?

Yeah. He says that shit every morning considering the fact that he fired Comey. Oh, Republicans would love that too. They'd be like, should we give him three terms? He should have three terms, right? Yeah. Should yeah should he have three terms finally we have a president all right yeah let's make this motherfucker great yeah that's a clause in the constitution he's triggered the n-word clause yeah he now gets three turns he's president forever yeah okay but that's i i agree that it's like the as much as like people

like joke about i do think it is dangerous to be training your fucking idiot citizens to think that the media is all lies like that is so fun that's what dictators do exactly you discredit the media he's shutting himself off they're doing less and less press conferences oh yeah yeah no televised press yeah that's crazy ass tweets and they're all fucking lies that's fucking crazy yeah they've been talking about shaking the foundation of this country man yeah it's because how far can he go because think however far he's gonna go he's got 18 more months further he can go oh not oh oh what are you saying for if impeachment happens with There's a situation with North Korea today. Yeah, yeah. What was it? Well, they just keep talking shit to each other

and antagonizing. Yeah, shooting off missiles and shit. Yeah. Our president's shooting off tweets. So no matter what he does, they still got another 18... Like, if he did something crazy today, like if he just says, let's just blow up the whole Korean Peninsula. Let's just get rid of that shit. It would take them

18 months. But also, if you get impeached, I don't think you have to step down. No, being impeached does not mean you're removed from office. It just means you're proven guilty. Yeah, exactly. Because Bill Clinton was impeached, but he didn't leave.

So it's like he could get impeached. Couple that with he's a madman. Yes. He's a crazy, crazy man. All I'm hoping for is that he's just, I mean, he's 70.

He eats like shit. He looks like, right, he should die. He should be dead now. How is he not living? First of all, why did Kathy Christensen apologize

about pulling them heads out? That was so dumb. First, I can't wait to get in a position where motherfuckers be mad about something. Demanding an apology from you. Nigga, I'm going to come out. I can't wait to get in a position where motherfuckers be demanding an apology from you. I'm going to hold a press conference. That's for sure.

I'm going to pull out two heads and bang them together. I don't give a fuck. She was really stupid to apologize. I don't give a fuck. I think she lost a lot of money probably. She lost it regardless. You're a stand of money probably. She's going to lose it regardless. She lost it regardless. You're a stand-up comedian.

People still want to see you. She shouldn't have apologized. I would want to come and see her after that. After she apologized. After she didn't apologize, I'd slam two of his heads together and hold him. I honestly think it was a stupid thing for her to do just in terms of her career. Yeah. Of all people to do that, it was weird that it was Kathy.

And also, you're so irrelevant in the media. you know and if she would have went harder i'm telling you yeah first of all it's all fiction it's just the oh the whole argument is oh his son saw that he's gotta he's gotta pull yeah also let me ask you this how would you feel if you saw someone do that with obama you know what i mean? Fucking terrible. But Obama, this motherfucker, are you watching the news? I am. No, dude, I do still keep up, but not like, I don't go super into it. Like the list, I can't even start

with the list. It's fucking ridiculous. Yeah. I think, though, things like that, she did kind of clearly not real. Clearly not real. Offensive, terrible. Clearly not real. The only reason I'm mad at. Offensive. Terrible. Clearly not real. The only reason I'm mad I would be, I was like, it's a little annoying she did that, is like stuff like that doesn't bring anyone together.

There's no... There's no bringing together in the situation. I don't know, man. You think we'll meet a common medium? You think something? Only way that's gonna happen if there's another enormous attack. That's the only thing that'll bring us all back to the same source. And they're all beating off Hope in current attack, too.

But I honestly think Bernie could've won the election. Oh, that shit won. But the people that... Okay, there are people like, you know how Mitt Romney said, there are people that I can't reach. It's the same way for liberals. There are people you'll never convert.

The people that you can convert, who are the people who would've voted for Bernie, when they see shit like that, I don't think it helps making a case for a progressive point of view. I'm speaking as a comedian. If I were her, had I had those feelings, which I do, I would have not given a fuck. She's not a politician. She's not. That's not her responsibility. I'm just saying she should. She's supposed to make jokes. And I think the funniest joke would have been to come out. She's not a politician. She's not. That's not her responsibility. She's supposed to make jokes and I think the funniest joke

would have been to come out like I was going to apologize and reach under the thing and pull out two of her heads and see if she's going to get out. It's fucking hilarious. I don't give a fuck.

Throw them, you kidding me? And then I'll be back on the news and it'll be better for my career and I won't give a fuck. This is the truth from my perspective. Of course, I'm not the mediator. I'm not not gonna go to the u.s i'm not gonna run for a way to do it too because uh natasha lugero got in trouble two years ago i think it was for a roast

joke no it was on like the new year's eve countdown and uh she made a joke about like veterans or something like that or like old veterans and she's like oh who cares they're not up anyway or something like that made a joke about veterans bunch of people were calling for her to apologize and she she posted a thing and it was like well uh i'm not sorry and actually if you were truly offended by the situation that's affecting veterans you should donate here you could donate to this uh and like stating like basically like here's some here's exactly but here's some real shit you could be upset about if you actually care for veterans here's some here's exactly but here's some real shit you could be upset about if you actually care for veterans here's what's going on at the va here's what's

going on here yeah and like you're you're focused you care about veterans but how come you don't do xyz for them then you can do that with trump too it's like you found this offensive here's a list of everything he's done that's why i don't feel bad like when people are like oh can you make those jokes about black kid it's like dude dude, I fucking dedicate my life to working with them. Yeah, like I should do retarded jokes. What do you fucking do? You're a graphic designer. You suck a dick.

I used to be like, all you do is not call him retarded. Yeah, right. I love that tagline in your joke. Because it's the truth. I'm wiping asses and chains, diapers and shit. Yeah, and you say retarded. I was like, oh my god like they say we say it to each other we said it in the fucking bathroom while i'm wiping your ass i'm sorry i'm

like i know just move yeah i know i'm serious yeah just because you're retarded doesn't mean you're uh too dumb to not know the word retard is hilarious right just the way... I'm retarded, but I'm not bad retarded. I'm not like Jimmy over there. He's like, yeah, you're doing this. But for real, just when you work with him, it's just... I don't... And it's interesting. I don't do those jokes as much anymore because I don't work with him and I don't feel that same connection.

But when I did, it was my truth. That was your life. What the fuck was you saying? Yeah, you can't... I won't change how I like being because it might hurt someone or like it might someone might perceive me as sexist or racist or homophobic because I know I'm not. And it's just, yeah, I think that you're wrong. And I'm strong enough in my foundation of who I am as a person that like you can go fuck yourself. Right.

It's my response. But it's weird, though, because stuff does change change like the same stuff that like happened to like our grandparents and stuff like when it's like no no you can't say that word like no no i thought this word was fine like right for sure i feel like that that's totally gonna happen to me i'm like am i just like gonna be a big and like not know it like like when i first heard the term sis i'm like that's fucking dumb sis sis is somebody so it's like we all are cis so you're born uh a male and you identify as a male or you're born female i'm gonna fuck with nobody y'all i mean all right so but i saw a tweet i saw a tweet from a comedian i saw a tweet from a comedian that said

uh it's offensive to address people as them they or even quote-unquote people because they might not identify. I can't say people. Is it a joke to me? No, it was Rhea Butcher. I identify as a dolphin. I want you niggas to chirp at me when you see me. So you use the term comedian really loosely. That's how she identifies. Yeah.

That's where I'm like, I don't know they right it's weird it just feels crazy here's my thing i went to a conference an eight hour conference it was a whole work day about like the lgbtq community and so much of it was focused on pronouns yeah and i just like look me and my supervisor i'm not doing it i'm just not playing your game we looked at it and we were like why do people especially people who are school psychologists need to go to this like all you do is you talk to someone find out how they want to be addressed and you address them that way i it's that easy you just show respect to somebody it's if you don't but i do that all day but also the thing is it's not it's not showing respect it's it's uh showing perceived disrespect so somebody you don't

know how they identify like i was telling you there's a donut shop here where i said thank you sir and we were leaving and my girl was like i don't think they identify as sir i don't give a fuck but but you know what i mean but i don't but but i see but i do but then it's like if you say sir then it's like you're perceived as the asshole and it's like 99.9% of motherfuckers is what the fuck they look like they is if they're not I apologize

right I'm sorry but I'm not gonna change my whole goddamn fucking world I can't be doing that all day I barely find

my fucking keys I'm not gonna be worried about that you were Sith Lord Sith Lord I don't fucking know Oh my god Oh my god

Star Wars Yeah It's called For real man I apologize If I say it wrong I do I fucking apologize I identify as wrong I do I fucking apologize

I identify as a Sith Lord I don't have time for that I'm a hetero Sith Yeah Listen I can only go by my eyes And shit man And what I will say

Hey man Oh sorry Sir he There's a fucking fire going on No I know I know I just don't have time

And I apologize But I think I think it's When you say it's an all day thing It's not all day Right Because 99% of motherfuckers don't have time and I apologize. But I think when you say it's an all day thing, it's not all day. Right, because 99% of motherfuckers don't. So I got to find. I wonder how you identify.

Hold on. But the next time I went, I just said, oh, what's your name, by the way? And they said Emily. So I'm just going to say Emily. You know what I mean? I don't have to say he, she. My friend wants me to identify as they, them. Who the fuck is modifying all of their sentences to ensure that

i missed the word him i know or people i know barely form a sentence now right right but you know what's interesting about that whole situation yeah is like you saw the way someone looked and that's why you thought it. Which is kind of I don't know weird because now you're focusing on someone's physical appeal. Because you can be like I have a friend and you wouldn't know that that person

because I can't say she. This person doesn't identify as she. Not transitioning, not anything. It's just... Looks like a boy. No, not really. Sometimes. I'm going to just call it what I see.

I'm like, I don't know. I always keep referring to her as a she. I don't want to say what's wrong with being a regular man. This friend identifies as non-binary, meaning no gender. This person doesn't want to be referred to as she. identifies as non-binary meaning no gender. So I, this person doesn't want to be referred to as she

rather they them, which is fine and I'll do it, but I will slip up and I'm just ask that you know that I'm going to slip up and that like just educate me, tell me and then that's when the whole like woke people are like, it's not my job to.

It's like, my bed, you fuck. Nigga, it ain't my job to tiptoe around for your motherfucking ass. That sounds crazy. It's not my job. I'm offended when people ask me my pronoun. What the fuck are you trying to say? What about me? And the rest of the motherfuckers is regular.

It's a lot of motherfuckers. You understand what I'm saying? Do you understand what I'm saying? And Mark is kind of right because the assumption came just based on the person's appearance. People would look at me and like, well, I don't need to worry

because Umar's like a dude. So it's still fucked up. It's hard. I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm saying it's just different because what if that person's like, whoa, why are you asking me? Yeah, but you know why though.

You know what I mean like i they they know why i feel like they do i feel like people have to respect yes that you have eyes yes they're your primary source of perceiving this world that's what i'm saying that's if you want me yeah to call you a boy just like a boy but so hard like a boy if you want you to call you a boy just like a boy. Go hard like a boy. If you want me to call you a girl, go hard like a girl. But some people don't feel that way. Some people wear a fucking alien suit.

Wear what the fuck you feel like so I can identify that. MarkJoyner at gmail.com. The digressing session is woke. We don't endorse. Have fun in LA, bro. I'm kidding. I will respect. and i do i mean

i think the way you're looking at it too is i understand what you're saying but i think you're looking at in generalities like this person at the donut shop could not have been cooler when i said the sir thing they didn't say anything they weren't like they didn't go excuse me blah blah it's just the next time so my girl told me. I was like, oh, okay. Now it's like I'll be more mindful next time. It's not like this person shamed me or anything. It's like, all right, I'm going to be seeing you probably pretty often. At least once a week I go here to get a donut and coffee.

I'm going to call you what you probably want to be called. That's what I'm saying. Just call people what they want to be seen. I'm not refusing anyone's request. I'm not walking around looking for requests, wondering what people are. What the fuck? Now you're trying to change my reality. I'm just going by what I see.

I don't have all day. I'm trying to get a bagel. I want to run in this motherfucker. I'm not trying to analyze you. I don't care about how you see yourself. I want a fucking bagel, sir. I'm sorry. I apologize.

I didn't know, but most people that look like you, I call sir. And i know i know and that but that's where i'm saying there has to be a give and a take there of like i can see why you and most people i haven't been really checked on a lot maybe because i'm loud and rowdy about it right but right right in situations where i have known that and it has been brought to my attention i try to use it but sometimes i slip up you know but i'm not gonna walk around all day like that i'm just not Because I don't live In a gay world I don't live Not okay

I don't live in the I know what you're saying I know it's safe I don't live in that world That forces me to do that It's like me asking y'all To say nigger in such a way But you got

You like How about I just Don't say it at all Right You know How about I'm not in the game Yeah it's just I think it's just

It's gonna be a slow moving thing It is a slow-moving thing. Oh, yeah, I'll be the old bigot, and I apologize, y'all. Right, yeah, that's what I'm just worried. Like, I'm just worried that, like, my best friend is in a fucking community. Yeah, like, yeah, I'm just worried my grandson's going to be like, well, I don't know if I'm cis. We're like, oh, that's gay.

Wait, Ian Zalliers is transitioning? What's that going to mean? Very good for him. All right. Well, on that note. Hey. Damn, we talked for a long time. Yeah.

It was good. Yeah. I got to shower for the... Yeah, yeah. Right. I'll do a couple things. Now it's getting nice out. God damn it.

Yeah. Maybe I'll go for a run. Well, I just don't want it to be nice because I want people to come to my show. I don't want to offend anybody. I'll probably offend anybody. But I feel like this is like the conversation you got to have, though, where it's like. Yeah. If anybody needs to check me, I will try my best.

But I'm not going to pretend that I'm walking around in the world. It's just a lot of brain energy that I don't have. I just simply don't. To reconstruct my whole that part. And it don't feel worth it to me because, mean I know a few of the community but not enough to be like hmm I need to really be thinking about this like I can go like weeks and not see anybody right but yeah that's what I'm saying that where it's like there just has to be a demand me to do that there has to be a thing on both sides of like oh it's gonna take you a second but this is what I would like. And you're like, all right, just give me a second. You know what I mean? That's all. And I'm not trying to, I'm not saying that these are equal in any way, but can you see like when people are like, hey, we shouldn't call them Negroes anymore.

And that's like, that's what I call that. It's just like, can you see like why it's kind of the same? Yeah, but see, he, she and her are part of the sentence no but that's how i form sentences because they is a plural first of all so you're asking me to change how i form sentences oh okay you understand i'm saying like i think so like a negro doesn't even like i don't call y'all whites i rights right right there's no reason if i address i'll say white people i'll say whatever i hear what you're saying. Yeah, I hear you too, but I think

it's a much more constant flow of hurdles to jump. You know what I mean? Just in the rhythm of Well, actually, it's actually Vatels. You know what I'm saying? I had to throw that out there. I want to call them Vatels. We should call that.

That's what we should call it. Daedals. Daedals. That's our podcast name. Cool. All right. But yeah, it just requires me to set up sentences differently. Yeah, it is.

It's going to take some time. I'm like willing to like live with. I think I'm fine. If it makes someone feel more included in this world, I'm cool with it. Yeah, it's like fine. Whatever. Fine. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Like Mark, do you know how bad I want to call you the N-word right now? But I'm not because I want you to feel welcome. I'm just kidding. Like with a hard R? Yeah. A hard R, bro. Oh, man.

I want to go 1950s N-word on you. Oh, my God. Wow. I can shift. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Shoe shine. Yeah.

God. Every fucking podcast. I'm'm like this is the one this is the one it's gonna come out no i'm just i'm kidding but like that's i don't know i just want to show respect for everybody yeah uh and uh yeah that's what i'm just saying like but where it is yeah it's just crazy it's like plus don't identify as completely different because you know you change back oh yeah well what happens when you decide i don't know and then it's also like fine i'll call you that too i i agree but i the only thing that i was just making the point is like just just give give people some time show some respect in the way

of like also give people time yeah to transition into the new language there you go Yeah your transition So am I Yeah exactly So am I So am I That's awesome Do you have any plugs Mark? That'd be a good bit Joe Square at 2 hours Be there Hell yeah

I can't think I don't feel like Sidebar Sidebar Every Monday Every Monday 845 845 to the end of the morning yeah and uh no seriously

mark is like one of the funniest comedians uh that i know not even just in baltimore that i know so and you know i've only funny guy i've only ever seen you get better too man like you are always a good performer but like you really like fucking a lot. And it shows, man. You've always been good. I'm like, God, he is destroying. You work on everything. You work on your joke writing. You work on your stage presence.

It's really cool to watch. Yeah, it's inspiring, too. Because you're one of those guys who are up there, you're already engaging, but you're honing your craft. Yeah, and you're so in the moment, and that's like, fuck, I need to be like that. That's right.

Yeah, and Mark's always like, there will be times where I'm at a show and I'm super nervous, and he's always just like, dude, we fucking have done this a million. Because we have, man. Yeah, and he's just like, he's always like the calming, you know. Yep. And I'm just like, I don't know't know i'm just gonna pace a lot more right yeah yeah so it's been cool man yeah man dope all right let's get out of here let's do a show

hey thanks again man and uh yeah all the all the regular shit the dog's growling now uh all the regular plugs follow us on stop right when the mic shy boo we high five again all right okay all right stop hey you want another thermometer up your butt he's like no

no no i'm already anxious yeah thank you to everybody for listening this was this is a good one man so a long one then kind of got some serious convo in there, too. Yeah, we worked on it. And, yeah. Who knows? Yeah.

This may be the one. This may be it. Listen, we jumped a lot of Vatals on this one. I think we did a good job. All right. All right. The Sith Lords will be pleased. Yeah.

But, yeah, all the usual social media, at DigSeshPod on Twitter, I'm at Josh Cadern on Twitter and Instagram. Umar Khan, 821 on Instagram, Umar underscore A underscore Khan on Twitter. Nice. And yeah, say hello on social media, friend us on Facebook.

There's a DigSesh page there and all that stuff. Mark, you want to plug your stuff? Yeah, at DocMarkRules on all that stuff. Hell yeah. And all right, thanks everybody for listening. And David Koechner, take us out. Dick Russian Sessions

coming to an end. Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah