The Digression Sessions - Ep. 226 - Mike Quindlen! (@MikeQuindlen)

Episode Date: July 26, 2017

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar are joined by a stalwart of the Baltimore comedy scene, and a hilarious dude - Mike Quindlen! He's the cohost of the Second Saturday Shit Show at the Ottobar here in Baltimore too! Next show is August 12th at 7 pm and it's free! Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, and Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher plz!

Tage Network. That's a seamless transition. We got Mike Quinlan in the house. What a seamless transition. Local comedian. Only five years of wanting to be on this. Host and producer of the second Saturday Shit Show. All right.

Don't start with the passive aggressiveness, Michael. Dude, don't. I know we were at a show. Not in my kitchen. And Quinlan was like. I did. That was very passive. He was like, hey, you know, Kaderna has never had me on his podcast.

And I was like, well, what's up? Well, some of the bums you've had recently. You know what I'm saying? Shit. Hey, to be fair, you're right. No, I agree. I got to be honest with you. The level of talent.

Like some of the stories about how you got these people were, I can't believe people are as receptive to your inquiries to come on to the thing. Not that they want to come on the show. Right. But they're reading even a Facebook message or an Instagram. Or a tweet, yeah. That's, to me, awesome.

But it's kind of like, why wouldn't you? Wouldn't you do that if you were in a town? Probably. Absolutely. You know what I tried to do? Yeah. I tried to pull together was, what's it called, when Judah Friedlander was in town.

Not the last time time but the time before i read an article in the new york times he's a fucking gigantic ping pong player right oh he's a monster he's a monster when i tried to put together dude was to get him for a late night show over at the peter moore manson to play ping pong because they have a uh they had a dude like around from like pakistan or from zimbabwe or something who's a legitimate confuse those's going to confuse those two. No, no. I can't remember.

No. Oh, God. No, no. All right. No. I can't remember where he's from. I've never seen the guy. Oh, I agree.

First of all, and he's fucking white, so he could be... Oh, dang it. He can't make... Definitely not from Pakistan. No, he could know. He could have been.

Let it ride. Let it ride. He's right. He's right. It was what it is. Okay, he's either Swedish, Zimbabwe, Chinese. No, he's't know. He could have been. Let it ride. Let it ride. He's right. He's right. It was what it is. Okay, he's either Swedish, Zimbabwe, Chinese. No, he was a squash dude. See, this just shows your ignorance

and not knowing the squash culture. Sure. My parents, I'm Pakistani, motherfucker. I know. I'll tell you what, some of the best. Actually, there are some really fair-skinned Pakistani people. But there are some white people left over from the British rule. Which I know about that. it's the squash thing.

Dude, there's still white people in Zimbabwe. Why the fuck would you be in Zimbabwe? That's true. Leftovers from Rhodesia. That is one funny thing about Mike Quillen,

like on the surface, I mean, this is going to come out offensive. I got you. I got you. He would not seem like a very well-traveled or cultured person,

but he is. He very much is. He very much is very much is he has so wonderfully wonderful. Yeah, he's got the mind of a woke guy, but not not the voice of no, not at all with that voice. You don't expect like, you know what I heard on NPR the other fucking day. Oh,

Ira Glass blew my fucking mind. I can't hate Ira Glass. I can't stand him. Is he too pretentious? No, it's not that I think it literally is his voice. No, here's a that. I think it literally is his voice. No, here's the deal, dude. Act two. After. Zimbabwe or Pakistan.

Stick with us. We'll figure it out after the break. Stick with us. No, dude. I don't know. I just don't like him. I will say this about it, dude. I listen to NPR constantly.

Yep. See? And I just, after, I wasn't a big Dan Rodericks fan, but after he left, I think there's a real void for the afternoon programming to me. It just really, I think it's too, I think the subjects are great. Okay. I think they're too deeply intellectual. It's a bunch of wonks. Gotcha.

It's getting really wonky out there. Kind of getting up their own ass a little bit. Who's a wonk? Somebody who, well, you know what it is. It's somebody who wants you to know that they know more about shit than they really know about stuff. It's like Hillary Clinton. Hillary was a policy wonk, which just means she did all her homework. Well, you know, that's interesting.

I realized maybe like five, six years ago that nobody who the news brings on knows that much about a topic. They like maybe have written an article or because there are, you know, there is a comic who maybe we used to do open mics with. Oh, yeah. And she's on Fox News all the time talking like, you don't actually, you're not an expert on this shit. That's bullshit. You're a fucking, you're a- I don't know. I think Kat Timp knows.

Yeah, Umar Khan. Umar Khan, spy hunter right there. Like he didn't give his hand up. I hope we were talking about that. I don't give a shit. There's no way you can know that much about all these, like well, you know. Policy and all that stuff.

Yeah, there's just no way. I think, you know what? I have no idea. In the defense of those pundits is that one, I think the prettier or more handsome you are, the reality that you're going to get.

Like, there's a type. Like, do you know who S.E. Cup is? No. S.E. Cup is a, do you know who she is? It sounds like a porn star. Yeah, she is. No, dude.

She's, She's going to cut my balls. No, she, if you look her up. Do you know Triple X Cups? my balls. If you look her up. Do you know Triple X Cups? I'm telling you, look her up. She's on MSNBC. I haven't seen her, but she's got that look.

MSNBC, these nuts. Like the Megyn Kelly look. You motherfuckers. MSNBC, these nuts. Dude, just on a quick side note, these nuts is the best fucking joke. It's so good. Dude, you know what's funny? I had no idea what it was until last week.

What? I swear to God, I had no idea. You didn't know about Deez? I had no idea what it was. About Deez Nuts? Nothing. I know that Mike Moran made the one reference, and I get to be honest with you, he sold me on the joke, and I was like, okay, I've enjoyed the reference enough that I don't really need

to understand what it's about. Right. So I went on. But then Mark and I went down. Mark Jordan and I, Dark Mark, went down to Heywood Turnipsy's birthday party last week. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The ride home.

The ride home. Mark explained to me what these nuts was about. That's so funny. How old are you? I turned 46 last Thursday. I do. Wait. Last week, you said?

Last Thursday. Oh, man. Happy birthday. I had to go to the doctor's tonight. And she's like uh oh you just had a birthday she's like what'd you do for your birthday I was like I got really drunk uh-huh and she looked at me and she goes I don't understand what you mean why did you do that I don't understand what you mean yeah like she was you she's from the lady was a technician from

Benin oh she was from the West African country with Benin and uh she had the thick French to fit bench on top of her accent. And it was like we really had a cultural disconnect where she could not understand why I would have personally... Wait, don't French people get hammered all the time? I did, but I don't know. I don't think she's French.

I think that's just the accent. I'm not traveling. But I think what ended up happening is if I would have had a guess, I would have said that she probably had a deep religious backing from some Baptist evangelical

people that had gone from the United States. So she was looking at it. On a missionary tip. Yeah, she looks like the world

through a lens of Jesus where I look through the lens of just trying to get through the day. Uh-huh. Yeah. So yeah, she couldn't,

I was like, I didn't understand what, why did you mean why did I get the day. Uh-huh. Yeah. So, yeah, she couldn't. I was like, I didn't understand. Like, what? Why did you mean why did I get drunk? Because I wanted to. Yeah. Because I needed to stop the pain. That kind of stuff. You're right.

She's like, but isn't that unhealthy? Yeah, no. Absolutely. That's the idea. That's why I know when you take my blood pressure. And then, like, the conversation is like, anyway, you have cancer. Okay, happy birthday.

Why would you get so drunk when you have stage two cancer? Yeah, that's so horrible. You should be taking care of yourself. Oh, dude. This is terrible. Happy birthday. Why would you get so drunk when you have stage two cancer? Yeah, that's so horrible. You should be taking care of yourself. Oh, dude. This is terrible. Wait, back to Deez Nuts. I don't know.

I might have told this on the podcast. I was working with a second grader just to put in perspective. A second grader. And I was teaching him some math thing. And I was like, okay, so if you add this and this, what do you get? And he looked at me. He's like, Deez Nuts. And I was like, okay, so if you add this and this, what do you get? And he looked at me. He's like, uh, D's nuts. And I laughed.

Yeah, a second grader. And I just knew. Talk about. And then he was like, please don't tell my mom. Please don't tell my mom. And I was like, I won't. You just give him a high five. And you're like, congratulations.

You graduated. Get out there. Dude, talk about reinforcing a bad outcome with a dog. That would be laughed at. He's not joking. He's two years old. Kid's life's over, dude. Second graders. I mean, well, you know, like.

His life's over. Two years old. How do you not laugh at a well-placed teacher? No, you're right. Oh, dude, absolutely. Oh, yeah. That's tough because you don't see that coming. Or like I was telling Josh one time, I don't know why I had to watch the front office at

this one school. I love this story or uh so the principal was like okay so there's two phones one's an external line one's an internal line that comes from the classrooms i was like okay and literally as soon as she walked out the internal phone rings so someone's calling from a classroom i pick up i'm like front office and i just hear a kid go uh uh fuck you and then hang up which is so amazing yeah it's like the teacher stepped out for a second or like like class did start yeah they just pick it up they're like did not expect you to answer extension right right that's insane yeah i thought you would have to just press a number that's the

part of where there might be some cosmic larger being. Because look, if somebody... I see God in that. No, you know what? If he wasn't there to appreciate that and then relay it to two more people, and you've probably told that story more than that, that would have went on real deaf ears there. Some lady named Beth got it and got pissed off.

This kid has brought hilarity to many so many people do you know what would have happened because i told the secretary i was like man your job is because while i was working you're like the best no while i was working the holding down the front desk uh uh parents came in there's arguments cops had to be caught it was just like a nightmare it was really scary uh like and so i the next day i told one of the stars like your job is incredibly hard and i'm so sorry if i've ever bugged you about dumb stuff oh that's nice and uh and i told her that fuck you story and she thought it was uh funny but also she got mad she was like what room was it from and i was like uh because that's how white secretaries talk

and who is that a chinese lady yeah sorry excuse me chinese american chinese american and uh and she was like why don't you she was like you know you can find out she was like i would have found out what room was from and went and got that kid and i was like i'm glad i didn't you know what yeah well that's like because your reaction is some first day shit hers is like she's been ground down to a nub by like this lady is like the world years right so she's dealing with that shit some kids like oh is like she's been ground down to a nub by like this lady is like the world. So she's dealing with that shit. Some kids like, oh, fuck you. She's like, fuck me. I'll

kill you. Here's the crazy part about it. She's that old. She's well past retirement age. She's probably staying in this job because she believes that this job keeps her alive. Right. That's fucked up. Oh, and fuck me? Yeah. How dare you? She is so funny because like there's rules.

A lot of times parents will try to come pick up their kids 10 minutes early, and you don't want that. It's just like a nightmare. Yeah. So if parents somehow get into the office building, she'll literally just close the door, lock it, and just sit there and be like. Damn. And just like, you know, meanwhile, when I was like, I'm sorry.

I'm just like trying to explain. It's just like she's like, no, no, don't talk to him. Don't talk to him. And I was like, damn. That would piss me off so bad if I was a parent, though. That's like some check cash. I hate that shit. But it's like shitty on the parents' part because they don't understand how disruptive it is to the school.

Right, right. But still, in the moment, I would be pissed. Oh, yeah. I had that the other day at the cafeteria at work. I brought my own bagel. I just wanted to still, in the moment, I would be pissed. Oh, yeah. I had that the other day at the cafeteria at work. I brought my own bagel. Yeah. I just wanted to toast it in the cafeteria. Now, listen, I've talked about this a lot on the podcast, but this was upsetting.

I was actually really pissed. What happened? Well, oh, I'll tell you what happened. All right, you brought your own bagel. I brought my own bagel. Now, the cafeteria. At your place of work. At my place of business, we have a cafeteria and uh

sure breakfast uh the service stops at 10 i get it i was a little busy that morning we can't have toasters in the break room because it's some weird electrical regulation bullshit so i go down to the cafeteria all i want to do is toast my bagel and uh i go in there and i go to put it in the toaster and this woman goes sir we are closed chinese-american woman and that's like i like i should have been really working on her chinese-american accents over the weekend she might be taiwanese that's on me um and i was like right i get it but i didn't i i'm not buying anything i just need to use the toe and she we are closed sir we are in my face and like i know i just need to use the till she got we are close sir we are in my face and like i know i just want to use it we are close and i was like wow all right but i get it her job's

not the best or maybe she's having a bad day but it's like can you just be fucking nice about it yeah i mean you've worked in food entry right mike in a restaurant yeah oh yeah it's all fine i get it oh yeah yeah but it's like i wasn't being, I don't know. If I wasn't like, well, fuck you. I was just like, well, I just want to, excuse me. It goes back to the same story. I know. She let you in.

All fucking hell breaks loose. Get to school, man. Come on. That is what she said. She's like, man, everybody's going to be down here. I'm like, everybody's going to be down here. Everyone doesn't bring their own bagels. Only this piece of shit.

Exactly. Well, they're $2 here. They're giant. They're $16. That's way too much for a bagel. I think they're like $1.50 or something. You know what's funny? Okay, well, I'm going to tell this story.

But it's like our stories compared to, because Mike has some insane stories. Which we will get to. But this bagel situation, let's go over the game film. Let's break this down. The shit you've told me from the places places you've been the stuff you've done but like enjoyed life so recently i had a customer josh and i really are this podcast has devolved into uh a lot of us complaining about local businesses yeah a lot of a lot of yuppie complaints i'll tell you what you want to fucking complain about hamden yeah fucking restaurants

there's a few good ones the rest of them fucking eat a dick. Interesting. Interesting. I mean, I begrudgingly to say this, but Pauly G's pizza is fucking great. What is? Pauly G's pizza. Oh, it's so good. It's great. Yeah. But the smugness of the intolerable hipster stab. You don't like that?

Come on, man. The super hip. Dude, you can't fucking put so much effort and time into being aloof. It just. Right. I hear you. It's unbelievable to me. You're so right. I don't fucking put so much effort and time into being aloof. It just – Right. I hear you. That is unbelievable to me. You're so right.

Like, I don't get – Okay, so this is a great example. We were at – Josh and I went to Golden West. And I brought my own bagel, which is fine. Okay? All right? I can appreciate your aloofness at that point.

No big deal, you know? What brings the fucking bagel somewhere? Okay, it's smart. I'm not going to lie. I did walk to the golden west window and i was like hey do you guys i'm not i don't want coffee i just want a little bit of soy milk i have a vegan who slept over and uh but uh it was they were cool about it but uh did they really yeah oh i've done that too i got a bagel and i was like hey can i just get some

half and half on the side i ran out at home and And she's like, sure. Because it was a young girl that would have a shaved head. She doesn't give a shit. She's like, sure. She gave me a soup container full of half and half, and I was good for the week. People who have jobs where they're not going to be your career, I don't understand why they give off. OK, I used to work.

Well, you still don't want to get fired. Yeah, but security guards. Somewhere where you're like, dude yeah here's the deal i'll tell you what i'll go places and people are still fucking car to me and i'm like are you fucking serious dude wow yeah you want to know why i don't have my id because i'm so fat that i can't keep a wallet much less you know what i'm saying seriously don't fuck i just i texted him one day to get a contact for a beer, to get beer donations for the event that Josh and I are on. Yeah, on August 5th. Church and Company. Yeah, we'll try to sort that thing out.

And so I asked him, and he's like, oh, yeah, here it is. He's a great dude. We used to play soccer together all the time before I got fat. I was like, Jesus Christ. Can't pray over it, man. Monument, bro-ing, yeah. Yeah, dude, I used to be beautiful. I'm telling Christ. Can't pray over it, man. Monument Brewing A. Yeah, dude,

I used to be beautiful. I'm telling you, not as beautiful as you, dude. No, you're handsome. You are beautiful. You're handsome.

You are beautiful. No, come on. Come on. I just got done around. I'm serious, dude. Life caught up to me,

man. Yeah. Wait, hold on. I was at Golden West and they have a window, a taco window. They do.

Like a carryout window. A carryout window. They do waffles out of there, too, don't they? Yeah, yeah. Which brings us to this week's sponsor. Holy Frijoles. When are they back? I don't know.

They said July, but it doesn't look like it. Right? They've been saying they'll be back for a while. I went to an art, like a renegade pop-up art event upstairs. Yeah, yeah. And they were like, okay. I think there was a couple shows up there. Yeah, we did event upstairs. Yeah, yeah. And they were like, okay. I think there was a couple shows up there. Yeah, we did a show. Yeah, we did. You were there too. You hosted it.

Yeah, Joe McLeod. There you go. Joe McLeod was running it, but the one thing was I got the don't touch any of the paint on the walls. Oh, yeah. It's like 100% lead. For real? They put like some dye and some lead. Oh, my God. So I bet that place caught fire.

And then the health inspector was like, oh, this is just like a fucking poison chamber you have here. They're like, okay, yeah, we'll reopen never. You know, because I'm sure they have to gut that place. And this used to be a restaurant. They're like, no. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. ball machines yeah that's what they all were well we went to golden west and like i was just jonesing for tacos and i was really excited i ordered my tacos and uh and i tell the guy at the window i was like man i really love a late night taco and then he looks at me he's like well you wouldn't you had to make them and i was just like holy what a fucking shitty thing to say to somebody yeah it's just like dude it's not my fault you went to art school. Fuck you, man. He's like, the tacos $4.95, the guilt is free. You can have that. It's not my problem your father didn't pay.

Yeah, I kind of had that too with Cinebistro. So I bring my own bagel to the movie thing. Wait, what happened? It was just that passive aggressive thing. There's a fucking, we talked about it on here before which again is just like us being like yelp people now basically it's a movie theater that's like fine dining which is like a really dumb combo quotes around the word fine fine but i mean you could go see fucking you know you could go see minions and get crab legs

and you're like well why why do we do this? I mean, some of those foods are really loud to eat. I mean, not the popcorn. Not the popcorn is not the quietest. Yeah, if your dinner comes with a wooden hammer. Dude, you're eating fucking crab. Yeah, went to movies, ate crabs.

Yeah. Oh, my God. What would be the worst? I think crab is might be on like yeah top three worst or if you get like a whole bowl of like so many bags of chips that you have to like slowly open or you could sled like you're eating udon or something like dude no no we're this is a real japanese restaurant slurp your face off get into it yeah it's a movie theater but it's a bottomless foe, dude. It's great.

It's awesome. You gotta go, dude. You just gotta go. A bunch of Chinese-Americans in there. Ruining. You know, Chinese-Americans ruin movies with slurping. They're so loud. I was in...

I saw Spider-Man, which is an amazing movie. But the coolest, this huge, big black guy in front of us made the movie like 20 times better. Because I don't know if you've seen it, but Aunt May, is that her name? Yeah. Yeah, she's really good looking in this movie because he's in high school, so she's young. Oh, yeah. It's Marissa Tomei, right?

I don't know who I was. Yeah she's gorgeous and uh the first time she comes on the screen he and there's only like seven people the movie theater he was like aunt may got buns and she's like fucking amazing and his kid is next to him he went it was like a father's son like 12 30 uh you know afternoon movie going experience. Just dapping. Like, hell yeah, she does. He called Peter Parker the N-word when he scored a date. Nice.

It was great. Yeah. So those are our stories. Next generation, right? Yeah. Being raised right. It looked like you were going to say something off mic. No, I wasn't.

I was going to say. He's a professional. Yeah, because you. So, yeah, let's talk about Mike for a little bit. We're about 20 some minutes in. Let's talk about Mike. Yeah. Yeah.

You are very important to the Baltimore comedy scene. Very hilarious. Run a bunch of good shows. Yeah. It's funny. If I had to give any comedic advice to any of the younger comedians I'd be like

don't start your own show it's a nightmare it's a pain in the ass but as we talked about though it can be a vehicle to greater contacts within the industry sure

and in the moment once the show has finally started it's fun but the logistics have set it up and then people get there but then you're like

oh my god we got an audience that you know now you're right and usually then you kind of hang out with your friends and the show's over you have a couple beers and those are like you're right that was definitely not something i should have complained about i just finding the level of anxiety right before the show kicks off waiting for i think the worst anxiety is just getting the people into the chairs and i don't i don't really know how it happens. I mean, I know we all do this, usually use the same platforms and techniques with the digital and all that, but getting people to show up,

I mean, the results that you've had for your show is magnificent, dude. Yeah. We had 200 people at the Autobar last shit show. That's amazing. I've never had that many people. But then sometimes it goes like this, but I mean, to have you,

it's nice to see when you post that post of you went in front of the sold out. That's pretty cool, dude. From a producer standpoint, that's really neat to see somebody that's doing that. And you're doing it. I mean, what's the relationship with the Baltimore whiskey people? I mean, it seems like they've thrown their muscle back into it as far as the marketing goes. Yeah. Have they thrown their muscle into it?

Yeah, totally. Yeah, totally. But here's the deal, and I'll be completely honest with you from this standpoint, is when we were setting up the Riley show, we had a sit down with them. And I said, look, this is what I need. We need you to buy in. If you don't buy in, this will last two or three times. And yep, yep, times and yep yep yep yep yep and then the next thing you know it's not as aggressive or sustained as

you need where's the joke it's just I get that you might lose focus of it but the reason you're doing the comedy is now unless you're a comedy fan and you're not doing out of the benevolence of your heart or because you believe in the art right doing it is it's a business mechanism to put additional people in there it just so happens you can be doing great creative stuff at the same time yeah it's a help me help you situation of like yeah if we if you help promote and get people in here they'll have fun at the show and then also they're gonna get food and drink too so if you guys fucking promote and we do then it can be a good but did not have the bartenders the next night or the two nights before

saying hey do you know that we're going to be, we got comedy again this Wednesday or Thursday or whenever it is. He's like, why aren't you doing that? Like, why isn't, why can't that message be given out? Yeah, put up flyers in the bathroom and stuff like that. I mean, and I would eventually say most of the promoters have that same relationship with the buildings that they work in.

Yeah. Although I did start a show down at No Idea on Hanover Street last week. And by the way that you're rubbing your eyes, it looked like you had a blast. No, the place was packed. You just found out a family member died. No, you know what's funny? Dude, the place was packed.

I mean, the weird part about it is it's only once a month. It's the third Wednesday of every month now down at No Idea. And I was so relieved that it was only once a month. Which I think is kind of the way to do it. Because that's Umar's show, Second Saturday Shit Show, which happens to be the second Saturday of every month at the upstairs of Auto Bar, 7 o'clock. People still ask when that fucking show is.

I'll be like, are you serious? People are... No, no, I mean like comics. They'll be like, what's that date? Comics are more stupid than the average person. Yeah. But I think the monthly show is a good way to do it because the Baltimore scene is good. There's just not enough people, I think,

currently to sustain a strong weekly showcase. And it's just like Baltimore as a city is not big enough to sustain a caliber of it. If I started doing my show every every week it wouldn't be like that man like yeah you're on it to be an event that people are yeah the once a month makes it an event too that makes it fun people look forward to it yeah no i i agree with you i think it's a it's a lot easier that way um this isn't yeah this isn't a city to do a weekly showcase show like dc is way different you know like There's a higher concentration of people

in a smaller space. So many fucking people, yeah. They have more money. There's great public transportation. It's safer. All those things don't exist in Baltimore. That's a really good point. So it won't ever be like that.

And Baltimore doesn't invest... As a city, it doesn't invest in that kind of infrastructure. It doesn't invest... Well, they tried with the... Didn't Larry Hogan take all the money for the red line? Which is funny. Why would you call it the red line? You know what

redlining means? Yeah. Somebody didn't come up with. So wait a minute. We're going to use the red line to actually help the poor people now. So we're going to redline the poor people. I can't believe somebody didn't say that to like, are you fucking serious? I think it's kind of a yeah, that's interesting. That's a good observation. Thank you, sir. Yeah. What are you fucking serious i think uh i think it's kind of a yeah that's interesting

that's a good observation thank you sir yeah what are you a comedian that's why i realized this is my new joke for today and it is the who do you think i find to be the the most infuriating climate deniers um who do you think that i might quillen find to be the most infuriated chinese americans no the third white part the white couple that believes the world's not complete without their third child? That's who I find. Because if you believe we need the third kid, you're not paying attention either, whether you listen to NPR or not. That's a soapbox fucking right there.

Yeah. That's true. Seriously. You don't need, oh, your family's not complete without the little second one? No, your family can be complete with one person yeah well that's the population is the biggest thing that hurts environment uh and uh but also what's funny to me about like a lot of liberals is like uh they might not believe in like vaccinating your kids that's so dumb oh but then uh they make fun of people who don't believe in

evolution or global warming it's like you have the same understanding of science you fucking yeah so you're kind of picking and choosing your research. Yeah, like their understanding comes from a Bible and yours comes from a research study that was defunct years ago. And that guy was stripped of all his credentials. John Oliver did an amazing deal on that

three weeks ago. Well, I worked in the autism world, so I knew about that guy. Oh, did you? So he all he did was like, you know, when you do a research study, you just randomize everything because that's the only way you can generalize your findings to the general public. And he just had kids at his kid's birthday parties. Could you imagine him just going up to parents like, hey, can I get some blood off your kid? Like, what the fuck?

Just a little bit of blood i just imagine all those kids just associate birthday parties with like being pricked by you're like no like birdies suck i mean dude but to be honest it's not really that surprising to me anymore because the fact that people believe anything is it's like but i don't know what used to be like if it was people would say if it was written down it must be true now if it's posted it must be true yeah these are things that aren't really that hard to disprove yeah the not believing in facts like regardless of how you feel about an issue like you the facts have to fucking matter right they don't seem to matter to a lot of fucking people yeah it's really hard yeah like i overheard a woman uh at the gym at my work she goes uh she said uh she said i don't know i just kind of have too much faith to believe in that evolution thing

that evolution thing like that evolution and i have too much faith yeah basically like i'm a christian meaning like you're taking a giant leap like you know what i mean that's that's not the definition of faith well yeah not based on like facts or anything but you know what I mean? That's the definition of faith. Well, yeah, not based on facts or anything. But you know what? Faith is just like, I don't know, but I'm going to do it anyway. Here's the crazy part about that.

XTC, about 25 years ago, already sorted out. What the fuck is XTC? XTC is an amazing rock and roll group. That Dear God song, they just did it. They did everything. I don't even know why

we're debating this shit anymore. Like, dude, but here's the deal. I was listening on the media with Brooke Gladstone. Fuck you, Bob Garfield. Whoa. I wish we could get through one podcast where somebody doesn't shit on Bob Garfield. Right?

I fucked that smug prick. I tell you. Oh, I know the advertising world. Do you, Bob? Do you know the advertising world? I call him Robert. I respect him. We call him Robby Gar.

Her point was Who the fuck are both of these people? They're honest. You don't listen to NPR on Sundays when you're really hungover and you're just trying

to get to 60 minutes? See, this is the type of Mike Quillen I like. No, but I say you wake up hard. On stage, Mike Quillen has like an N-word joke.

I've never said the N-word. No, you don't say the N-word, but I'm saying you wake up hard. On stage, Mike Quillen has like an N-word joke. I've never said the N-word. No, you don't say the N-word, but you reference. I don't know how to explain your bit. The NFL joke. The NFL joke. Well, dude, first of all, that's a good joke. Yeah. It's a good joke.

It's a hard pill for people to swallow. Well, but dude, my point about the joke is that the league itself is so willing to exploit some of the lowest drags of one particular population because of their athletic ability that you're allowed to have people in jobs to make an amazing amount of money that probably should be unemployable anywhere else. But in that joke, you refer to that group of people as a word that is maybe not. I've never said the word. I know you've never said it, but you're... You almost say it, right? It's a turn of... It's wordplay. He doesn't say it.

It's clever. The whole joke is they banned them from saying the N-word. Yeah, but they don't want to ban these people that should... Who did you think you're going to get to play within the rules? Some of these guys are complete savages. I mean, you look at their records.

I mean, these are people that would be unemployable in almost any field throughout anything because they're so violent and this, that, and the other thing. But you're going to legislate what they can say? It's just a level of hypocrisy there. Then there's more beyond that, too, because then their whole lives are probably good at a sport. It's just a level of hypocrisy there. Then there's more beyond that too because then their whole lives are probably good at a sport. It's sweet that you two

remember that joke. Of course. I remember the first time I heard it, I died laughing. But their whole lives, their education is shunned and everything's

kind of provided to them. So it's not that they're bad people, but almost the system is shitty enough too. If you think about it this way, Josh, is that you have these people that are doing, and I'm not just picking on, anybody that does something negative

and society still allows them to retain your ability to make substantial earnings. I mean, like, are you paying attention to the civil forfeiture thing? You know what civil forfeiture is? Have I paid the civil? Civil forfeiture is where you can have your shit taken away from you without being convicted of a crime. It's a technique that local sheriff's offices are using to gank people's stuff because they're saying that really what they're trying to do is they're trying to fuck with poor black people that they think are drug dealers.

So without being convicted of it or even charged with a crime, they can just take your shit, right, dude? They'll just gank it. Nobody's still fucking going to jail after 2008 in a Wall Street fucking meltdown. So you're gonna gank some fucking black kid stuff on the east or the west side, but yet straight down at fucking T-Row,

everybody's allowed to still fucking buy their Teslas. Fuck that, man. Yeah, it's pretty yeah it's it's pretty bad because they can take people's property like it's like oh uh you're under investigation uh you got a pretty nice car so they can they can take that person's car they don't get they don't charge any money for it and then they sell it at auction yeah and that's just straight profit for the police uh there's horrific stories of hey and who said uh institutional racism you know is a thing

Yeah who said Who denied I'll tell you who said that Bob fucking Garfield Who I've I don't know I don't know who he is Him and Brooke Gladstone

Running the cartel On Sundays They can go to hell On the media Fuck them Just picture both of them Listening to the podcast crying Do you know who must really hate

Like Cause football culture Is like huge in the south And you know Like these white kids. Yeah, roll tide. What's that? No, that's what people in Alabama say because the college football team is the crimson. Tide.

Tide. I wanted to say wave, but that's a period joke. But, so, in Alabama, they just say roll tide. Like, it's kind of like in Hawaii with Aloha. So, like, people answer the phone and be just say roll tide. Like it's kind of like in Hawaii with Aloha. So like people answer the phone and be like, roll tide. Uh-huh. Roll tide. But like they like white.

Dylan Meyer has a great joke. White parents and like white players from the South must get so mad. Just like, you know, because they put so much time and effort and money since these kids are young and then they see like all these black guys from like shitty schools and interstate not that they don't work hard but like in their in their like southern brains like like the maybe some of these racist people you know they think like oh they just you know they're born with like an extra muscle twitch or whatever. One more twitch. They get to make millions of dollars and criminals. I mean, not even necessarily make millions.

I mean, that's why the whole college thing is so fucked up. What's that? That none of the players make any money. Oh, that's bullshit. Yeah, South Park had a really good episode on that. Here's what I used to think about that, though. If you really are giving them the full education, you can't say they're being paid, right? I think you can look at it through that lens,

but on the other side, you're right, because they're marked. Somebody just filed a lawsuit last week, I think the kid from Ohio State, where even he's been graduated, he's been graduated, he has graduated, he had graduated from Ohio State, yeah, like 10 years ago,

and are still using his likeness to sell jerseys and stuff. Right, exactly, which I don't think is fair. They have stats on it, too, that the Michigan football team, they bring in like $30 million a year in revenue, and then the players don't get any of that. And then some kid, he can be, I don't know, a senior, and he breaks his leg, and he's fucked, and he gets no money for that. Yeah, but Josh, look at it. I mean, know, a senior, and he breaks his leg, and he's fucked, and he gets no money for that.

Yeah, but Josh, look at it. I mean, like, for example, just the state of Michigan or Alabama, the head football coach probably makes close to 25 times what the actual chief executive, the governor of the state makes. Oh, literally, millions. It's just telling you what the fucking priorities are. You know what? Let's get through this, dude. This is what bothers me, the fucking hypocrisy. Let's do it. Just say you don't give

a shit yeah don't just tell me you don't care about the old and the poor this way we don't have to do the fucking aca dance i was already talking about the health care thing just tell me you don't give a fuck and we can get past this well it's it's tough because republicans don't want people to have health care so they but they keep acting like they do. You know what I mean? So that's what you're saying. That's the best. This is awesome because so many of their constituents are benefiting from Obamacare. But they're so dumb and all they do is watch Fox News. And that's where facts don't matter because the CBO will be like, hey, 30 million people are going to lose health care in 10 years. They're like, yeah, CBO is biased. And you're like, no, no, they're not.

This is where I went off my diatribe. This is why obamacare has not been repealed yet right well not necessarily because obama was in office and they actually they passed a bill to like do a straight veto and i mean do it do a straight repeal and he just would veto it so no i'm saying right now yeah because they're gonna look like pieces of shit but by stripping their own constituents who are benefiting but it's not going to be immediate so that's how that's it'll take exactly exactly so right my biggest fear is that uh next guy well it's gonna pass and then they're gonna so they're smart because they delay it because then everybody's up for a re-election in two years so they're not gonna going to say, oh, we're going to have this take effect after the election.

So then there's no repercussions. And then I think Donald Trump's going to die because he's in terrible shape. Yeah, but here's the problem. My biggest fear is that he dies and he doesn't get to see what a piece of shit he is and have everybody turn on him because people are so dumb.

They're like, hey, fucking repeal it. It's like, well, you don't want Medicaid? But what will happen is they'll repeal it and people will turn on them. But it's going to take too long. I just want to say to the Secret Service. No, not for Trump, but the conservative, just conservative in general. It's going to take too long, though. What do you mean?

To take effect. They're not going to realize. No, I know it's not immediate. Nothing the government does is immediate. That's why all these people made a big deal about Trump backing out of, uh oh my god what the fuck uh the pan-pacific partnership yeah but it's gonna take uh what like it's literally gonna take eight years for us to get out of that completely or something insane right that right so by the next president he can just you know but then you still lost time and all that stuff you still have to do everything that's the thing that's frustrating because I don't know how much you

actually pay. I feel that the Obama administration was a waste of my fucking life. And I'll tell you why. Most of it. Hot take. I appreciate. No, look, dude, I think that there should be a single payer system and everybody should go to the hospital and the doctor, not just the people

who have the means. I think everybody should have a shot at a really good education. Because if you're going to pull yourself up by those mythical bootstraps they keep fucking telling us we all have, give me the legitimate shot. And by me, I don't mean me. I mean the poor people that have to get fucking to a different station in life. Obama, to me, just fucking bent over. I mean, no president. Obama threw more people out using ice than George Bush did.

So he was playing both sides in a corner. We can't deny the fact of level of racist hate that was against him. It was an amazing impediment to him. Oh, sure. I may be saying Obama where I'm frustrated with the obstructionist fucking bullshit that happened on the right. Oh, right. But I think there were a lot of points where Obama gave in

to try to get stuff done. Those fucking assholes. Who's the dude that looks like Deputy Dog? McConnell. Yeah, McConnell. Yeah. He was just a fuck,

you know what? He literally said, my biggest goal is to have Obama fail. I mean, that's just, that's the point. Yeah, that should be the Republican Party's

number one objective. Like, that's your guy? That's who your deal is? And I think the reason people backed him is because there was that legitimate racist impulse that they had where they're like, okay, even though he's fucking stupid, he's white. And that's the kind of shit that frustrates me. Oh, yeah. I mean, to have those white people you're talking about, literally, it's funny because everything's about economics, right? How much shit can you sell?

What's the best for me? But you literally, if you repeal Obamacare,'re literally well i mean no not literally figuratively cutting off your nose and spite your face i mean you're letting your racist impulse yeah invalid you're not gonna have insurance to get a new nose you gotta get a new nose it's just fucking weird to me like it's well it's just all about money that's that's what i was saying like republicans don't think that the government should be helping out with health care but they have to act like they are you know that's why rory had the best joke on his special uh-huh where he was like you know what's funny about concert is like they're really religious people yeah and then like you know they're like thinking about like all these big picture stuff and yeah like universe

and my place in the world like why am i here and he's like, you look up to the sky and this world and the stars and you're like, but are we spending too much? You know what I mean? If you really believed in God, wouldn't you want to... Oh, he's talking about people that are fiscally conservative. Yeah, yeah. Wouldn't you want to help people? It's like, Jesus

fucking Christ. I mean, dude, but that's the deal. I mean, even Berkshire... What's his name for Berkshire Hathaway? He's got such a crazy amount of money that's just sitting there. And I know he's giving it away when he dies, but people need fucking help right now. Yeah. You know what I think it is, though? It's this, oh, my God, we haven't said one funny thing in a minute.

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30% off your first order of pussy. No, there's like this phenomenon in psychology that probably everyone who went to college learned about called cognitive dissonance. So like you. Also a rad metal band. For real? No, I'm just kidding. It just sounds like a metal like, give it up for Cognitive Dissonance.

They go by Cogdis for sure. Oh, dude, you go to Cogdis? Yeah. So there's something called Cognitive Dissonance where like you, it's pretty much your brain. You have to like, you try to justify like why you're doing something

when it's irrational for you to be doing it so they did an experiment where they had people do a really fucking boring task um uh like just literally you're putting uh like uh pegs into holes or something like that like really boring and for a long time one group does it for a dollar and another group got 50 bucks to do it. So then you ask each group at the end of the experiment, like, yeah, why'd you do it?

The $50 group was like, oh, I did it for 50 fucking bucks. And then the dollar group were like, no, I enjoyed doing it. You know, because they have to rationalize. Because a dollar is not enough to justify. So I think when it comes to like uh republicans looking at like poor people and like saying kind of things like well

because it's hard for some people to acknowledge their privilege and that like things were handed to you in life because of where you were born but that sounds shitty and in your head you want to feel like oh i earned this i work in their head, you create this story. Like, I worked really hard for this. I earned this. But they also do. That's the thing. Like, a lot of people do work hard.

They do work hard. But they don't. But they're blind to their privilege, right? So they're blind to, like, that they started on, like, third base, where some people are in the parking lot still. He's talking about us, Josh, because we had the white skin. No. I'm with you. I actually think he He's talking about us, Josh, because we have the white skin. I know. I'm with you.

I actually think he's fucking talking about Kevin Plank. Don't fuck with that guy. No way. He's the Illuminati. I'm the first to say, like, I am basically, like, on paper and even, like, I'm a white dude. Like, I was born privileged as shit. You'd never be one of us. I know.

He's trying, Mike. We'll never let you. No, boys, he's trying. He's phone white though He's definitely phone white You would never know Who talked to him On the phone

Oh yeah Dude that's why I have no problem Getting apartments Eat as much kale As you want Alright See I would think

That the name would Fucking throw people off No no Umar I'm like No no no You you you I think you misheard it It's Mark

Yeah Ooh Ooh Mark Ooh Mark No The U stands for University actually University Mark Is what they call it People like me University Mark is what they call me That's fucking great

I think they have to in their brains Justify like why They're in their position And they have to be like well they're just not working as hard as I work Where it's like It's not that simple I think that I work. Where it's like, you know, it's not that simple. No, I mean, it's definitely complex. There's like this dis...

Dude, it's weird. I don't think it's people genuinely being shitty just to be shitty. I think they honestly just don't see where they started. And it's a tough pill to swallow. And it's not necessarily true. And what I think Trump tapped into is like you know it's like hey you're privileged and it's like well yeah i'm white but it doesn't mean i didn't fucking work hard exactly the word privilege shouldn't be used yeah because that's what most

people yeah i don't think that word is the right word to use and i don't think it is either dude i don't think i have white privilege at all but i also understand that coming out of the right pussy with this color skin is the reason that I started 10 yards in front of everybody else. And if you don't deny that, I'm sorry, if you don't accept that or acknowledge that, you don't have, I mean,

fuck, man, come on, dude. You go to the west side. Because there's a lot of fucking poor white people who are like, well, what the fuck? My hand, I'm living in a shitty trailer and all I'm hearing in the news is white privilege, white privilege, and they're like, well, what the fuck? Where are my hand? I'm living in a shitty trailer, and all I'm hearing in the news is white privilege, white privilege, and they're like, I'm not getting anything from the government. I think poverty.

I wouldn't eliminate people's innate racist abilities based on sight, but I think poverty is a factor that is so horribly crippling just as great as having racism forced upon you because poor people do amazingly shitty things to each other because of the

economic situation that they're put in. And before they know it, and let's be honest tomorrow, you've been in the system. The schools on the west side and the east side of the city that are public schools are nowhere near as nice. They're amazing and I love working for them. No, no. They probably are amazing places,

but they're also not as great as that one that's right up there on Roland Park across from the Yetis. So you can't tell these kids that have very tiny bootstraps to be pulled up on. The economics of it is just one of those things. You know what's funny?

Well, not funny, but like schools in the city in the nice areas, are they're gonna be better for a lot of reasons your parents with money but also teachers are attracted to good schools and like if you go to any good school in baltimore city they have the fucking hottest teachers like i don't know why but they have like the most attractive you're just walking like i want it doesn't matter but what school was, but I walked into the school, and I was like. Teachers in general are hot.

They're like a bunch of hooligans, too. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Dude, bartending down at Mother's. Holy shit, dude. It used to be just teachers and nurses on kickball. Dude, Sodom and Gomorrah. Really?

Sodom and Gomorrah down there. Yeah, yeah. They're just, fuck. They just act like savages yeah yeah it's a it's a oh yeah I remember I like I like looking back on it like I remember seeing my high school teachers I'm like oh they were just coming to work like fucking hungover oh yeah dude time we at my school we had a fucking this this teacher mr. Soph who fucking put together a trip to Europe every summer that we'd go with other teachers. What a fucking nightmare that must have been. And then invited kids, too, because he was a history teacher and put it under the guise of education.

We'd try to fuck the students and stuff. What? That seems real. Yeah. That took a weird turn. I thought you were going to be like, hey, he gave students drinks. No, no. I mean, that too, which I'm sure.

He threw them the tea. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Did he get caught? I don't think so. I think it was like. It was just a known thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Whenever a male person, like, even if you're well-intentioned. I'll say allegedly. Don't shut the door if they come in your office. No, I never. Don't be the door if they come in your office. No, I never. Don't be caught. Never. There are, dude, but like.

Never have your pants off. Umar's smart about it when he does it. He knows what he's doing. Wait, but I want to hear, like, I know, speaking of like traveling, like you have some, you've told me some crazy. Yeah, no, I try. Where have you been? What's the craziest place you've been?

Oh, craziest place you've been? Craziest place? That's a tough one. Mothers after a kickball event? Yeah. You know what? I'm proud to say, and this is one of my greatest achievements as an adult, I coached a three-time consecutive champions in kickball.

What? No, that's sad. It's a sad fucking thing to say. It's a sad thing to say. Did you play or did you just coach? No, dude, here's the deal. The first year it started, I would coach a team, and it was because I wanted them to come back. And that was the conduit to have all the teams come back.

So I'd have to have the first game each Thursday and then rush back to the bar and then be in charge of the orgy. There you go. Is this an adult league? charge of the orgy. There you go. Is this an adult league? Yeah. Yeah. It was that adult orgy too. Rare.

Rare for Mike. Very rare. Speaking of the movie kids. I hated like all the adult league. I hate them too. Because I'm like not athletic. Oh, I'm not. And I went in with the understanding that it's called the... We were in the extreme social...

Ah, bros. Guys with hats on backwards and sleeves cut off. God, I had two medical bros who used to play high school football. Uh-huh. Oh, my God. They would yell at me every time. And I literally never caught one pass. Yeah, they take it real serious.

No, they would punch the fucking ground. And this is like flag football? This is flag football in the extreme social league. So what does that mean? Like it's mostly about talking? It's a drink. I don't get it. It's supposed to be super laid back for people who don't take sports seriously.

They just want to meet people. Extreme social. What a way to put it. There's extreme social. Then there's different levels where like you can play in code red then they have uh mountain berry social just all the mountain do ones like a level where like if you want to take it seriously you used to be athletes so you can play right right right and so i guarantee there are people that like aren't good enough to be in the athlete one but they're like i'm gonna dominate the extreme social one you know it's like all right guy you play flag football all the money and pussy yeah yeah why why else would you do it show up with like glove like

i wasn't even wearing cleats do you know what i mean like i didn't give a fuck umar's in jeans yeah he's wearing frayed corduroys. Yeah. Wearing my J.Crew gear. Yeah. I had a blazer on. Yeah. I have a messenger bag on the field. I seem to have dropped my handkerchief.

Fellas, have you seen my ascot? Fellas? I brought kombucha for everybody. Alright. What is that? It's a fermented tea and it's probiotics It's so fucking good I don't believe you Well there you go

Fake news I have too much faith Mike is cool Because he is very You're a kind, thoughtful person. That's very sweet. But you also have that

like old school dude vibe where you're just. I love it, yeah. Yeah, where like, you're like, oh man, these pussies. I will admit to you, there are a lot of pussies

in the comedy game. Oh, yeah. A thousand percent. I'm one of them. You're looking at two of them, buddy. I bet you I could beat you both up at the same time. I guarantee it.

I'd be upset with you if you beat me up. No, you know what would happen? Come on, let's be honest. There's no cardio left in here. If I can't clip you two with the first punch, and I'm going to be honest with you, I have to hope that I hit one of you hard enough that you fall into the other one.

Because once I swing, you're going to get me on the cardio side. Yeah. We could at least run away from you, I think. Oh, I would run away hardcore. I literally ran away from somebody in D. Yeah. We could at least run away from you, I think. Oh, I would run away hardcore. I literally ran away from somebody in D.C. Really? Yeah.

I thought we were joking around and I said something about like Jesus not being real. Get out of here. And he swung at me, dude,

and he missed my face by like an inch and I just bolted. Damn. Yeah. I was also drunk and I was just like, I thought we were making jokes, and he turned out of nowhere.

Was he drunk too? I think he was high. On the Lord? Yeah, very high on the Lord. Some would say really, yeah. Super high. And man, I just, it was like. I've never seen an official comic fight.

It's been six years. Comedy, you've never seen two comics fight? I've never seen two comics fight. I've heard the aftermath stories. I've only seen an official comic fight. It's been six years. Comedy? You've never seen two comics fight? I've never seen two comics fight. I've heard aftermath stories. I've only seen comics fight on Facebook. Yeah. Did Brandon Lescure, who did he fight with? Who did he fight?

A piece of spaghetti? No, I was there. With that crab thing? With that crab guy. Yeah. Oh, my God. This got so scary. We got to wrap up in like 10, if that's cool, by the way.

So Brendan Leskear. Brandon, he's doing really good from what I see on Facebook with all this stuff. He gave me my nicest compliment when I was feeling down in the dumps about my comedy. I come outside of when Dave Schoffer was running the Red House, and he's like, I can't believe somebody hasn't stabbed you yet. I thought that's such a sweet thing to say. Which is funny because he almost got stabbed one night. And he tried to stab that one dude, right?

He like shook his hand with a crab leg or something fucking weird. Oh, I think I heard of that. Okay, so there was this guy named Ice Pick Rick. Oh, I do remember Ice Pick Rick. Should we say his name? Because he's nuts, right? I don't give a... What's he going to do now?

He's like in a fucking... Did you know what happened to him? He got his ass kicked out front of the bar name? Because he's nuts, right? I don't give a... What's he going to do now? He's like in a fucking... Did you know what happened to him? He got his ass kicked out front of the bar. Didn't he? A bunch of kids beat him up, right? No, he got his... Okay, so... Yeah, I'll tell this part and then I'll go backwards.

So this guy, Ice Pick Rick... I wonder about the people listening to the podcast that don't know about comedy. Like, oh, Ice Pick Rick. Yeah. That's the thing. Comedy... What is your world? I have never met more insane

people in my life absolutely yeah it's people who need friends you know it's funny like they're guys like i hope to consider myself in this but like you you got you have a career you have a career you know i like to be going somewhere and then there's a subset of people that are just looking for friends yeah yeah they they never fit in. So what they want to do is they want to get in a collection of people. It's their social hobby. That's their extreme social thing. Which is funny because, yeah, I love socializing. But when I go to a show, it depends.

For me, and I know I have this reputation where I just don't like talking a lot of times before a show. Yeah, I don't like it either. I mean, I like to this reputation where, like, I just don't like talking a lot of times before a show. Yeah, I don't like it either. I mean, I like to be nice. Yeah. Well, you know, it's not that I don't like talking. It's like I don't like talking about shit that's not funny or interesting, you know? Yeah. I just don't want to sit outside and bullshit all the time.

Yeah, I can't do that where it's, like, where it's, like, just a casual conversation. It's like, all right, I'm going to go get on stage. Like, I want to fuck around a little bit before and riff and laugh and get loose but like any uh just like regular kind of conversation yeah a hundred percent i'd like i think it's so cool and people can do that like i think dark mark can do that he's like i'm gonna have a cigarette and talk to this person they'll be like no i'm going on stage you know just like a seamless transition i have to get in my little place in my head okay but ice pick rick is like this fucking crazy person he would do comedy he's his older from his name he sounds pretty sane he was in it yeah he was in his 50s he's like nra dude very conservative racist uh and he would just post all this racist

shit all the time on facebook and i didn't know that i was never friends with him and brendan leskier would call him out which is like a dumb thing to do it's like why would you talk to someone you know you're gonna brandon is a 20 year old gonna change yeah ice pick a guy who wants to go by ice pick rick on his fucking stage yeah you're not gonna you're not gonna change old ice pick rick and treats fucking uh uh an open mic as if like he's like doing a like a set on Conan. Do you know what I mean? Like that's how serious he takes it. So we do this hell room that Stavros booked in Greektown, or no, like right on the edge of Dundalk. It was at a, his buddy owned it. It was at a crab place, and it's a circular bar.

There's no stage. I show up. I'm only doing it because I'm getting 50 bucks. Yeah, there you go. That's no stage. I show up. I'm only doing it because I'm getting 50 bucks. Yeah, there you go. It's so funny. That's like the exercise you're talking about with putting the like rods in the thing like, well, I got 50 bucks.

Oh, yeah, you're right. I don't know why I did it. This is my guy. That consonant dissonance. Yeah, that consonant thing. Yeah, where you can't sayance. Yeah, that consonant thing. Yeah. Where you can't say vowels. Vowels. Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

I hope there is some nerd who tells me that I got cognitive dissonance wrong. Because I might have. I don't know. No, that sounds right to me, dude. It's my field. So I show up. Mustafa is like, okay, there's no mic. There's no stage, but here's a cordless mic. So we just like walk around this bar.

We're like, people are there to eat bottomless crabs. Yeah, and they don't know that it's going to be comedy. White trash pieces of shit. Dundalk, yeah. Ice pick Rick is there. He is sad as fuck because he just got done burying his mom. Oh, God. In bottomless crabs.

It's funny. It took him out to get beers or something and, you know, make cheer him up, which is cool. Like, you know, I want to, after I bury my mom. So Ice Pick Rick's not performing. He's just there. No, he just showed up. Okay.

I don't know if he knew a comedy show was happening. I hate comedy so much. Yeah. Sometimes I know exactly what you mean so uh i literally oh finazzo's headlining right so i do my set and i uh i did a joke about parents and something about like how i wish my mom would die and oh god and i felt oh it was about how my parents have type 2 diabetes and blah blah and i felt and then once i learned i felt so bad and i was just like i'm i want to go like i don't want to be here so me and my girlfriend at the time left i'm driving home but now he calls me he's

like dude the show had to end early because ice pick rick stabbed brendan leskira with a fucking crap was it so ice pick rick stabbed him yeah in the hand so brendan was on where whatever in the microphone telling jokes and i think like wherever the stage was yeah i don't know how or what happened like but brendan said some shit and uh it really pissed off ice pick rick and so ice Icepick Rick was like, you know what? Let's just be cool and shake hands. But he was concealing like a crab claw. Like it's a knife. Wow.

Wow, that is nuts. That is some real resourceful white trash right there. Well done. So then he cut Brandon and then like Brandon started freaking out. He was like, he caught me. He stabbed me. He was like, all right, dude, calm down. He caught me. He caught me. He caught me. He stabbed me. He was like, all right, dude, calm down. He caught me.

He caught me. He caught me. It was an old dog restaurant. He gets stabbed with a shellfish. Jesus Christ. Can you imagine the clientele? It's a fucking unique story. That's incredible.

And then I have tons of anxiety. And I am freaking out. Because this guy is fucking nuts. Yeah. So I just shoot Ice Pick Rick a message. I mean, he seems pretty sane. I haven't seen him in years, though. Is he still alive?

Well, we'll get to that. He's actually changed. He actually goes by Nice Pick Rick. Real sweetheart. Yeah. So what a transformation. Yeah. Wow. So I ice pick rick a message i'm like hey man i really like i didn't know about your mom i'm sorry to hear uh i'm sorry if my jokes

about my parents offended you like that was not my intention i wouldn't have done it if i'd known otherwise and he was like i don't have he was like umar me and you have no problems and i was like awesome he's like and then like five minutes later he sends me like a fucking uh manifesto to the point where i thought i had to go to the cops oh i remember this yeah you were pretty freaked out i could not sleep that night um damn so he said damn he saidar, do you know that most murders happen between friends? And me and Brandon shaking hands signifies a friendship now. And he should know that I own guns or something like that. That's kind of freaky.

He said that I have a permit to carry, so warn your friends. And I was like, holy shit, somebody just threatened to murder somebody. Yeah. Do I go to the cops? I don't know what the fuck he did. Wow, I didn't know it was that deep. Wow, that's crazy. I texted Brandon and Justin, and I was like, guys, here's what he said.

You can do what the fuck you want with me. Right, right. And I got so freaked out to the point, like, Brandon, like, really wanted to do my show, and he finally was on it. And I was like, dude, you're not on the the show anymore i don't want this motherfucker showing up to my show god and he got mad at me he's like i think you're overreacting i was like i don't give a fuck dude yeah because he said he was gonna come he's crazy he's great and he has come before just to watch yeah so but the best part of the story is... A couple years later?

A couple years later, this racist motherfucker, I hear a news story. A bunch of high school kids were outside. They were, like, gonna get in a fight. They're outside Ice Pick Rick's house by his truck. He steps outside, which, like, don't ever, ever in your life tell city kids if unless you're an authority person in the school building don't approach them in public yeah do not engage like in city kids by me like who are about to engage in like a fight or something like that

because they don't give a fuck about you oh yeah they have amped up their brain is not thinking right yeah they have no reservations of just fucking your shit up. Two groups of people that are about to fight, the thing that will unite them is a racist white guy. Yeah. And this isn't a race thing. Oh, they're going to unite them. This goes for white city kids. Black city kids.

Don't approach. Yeah. But I mean, if you're a shitty individual and you're like talking to both sides, you're like, wait, I don't hate you. Yeah. We all hate this guy. I was just listening to uh out the block story this guy went to jail and aaron hankins like oh so uh why did you go to jail yep that was i don't know you can aaron seinfeld do it yeah yeah not really uh and that's the guy's

like he just he just wrecked my mother he uh spit at her you went to jail so he got a gun and just uh uh tap the guy on the shoulder, turned around, shot him in the fucking head. Just fucking insane. And Aaron's like, you shot him in the fucking head? And what was going through your head as you're watching this guy's head on the ground? Speaking of brains.

From this block to C block. So there's a group of teenagers about to get in a fight in front of his house by his truck. And I guess he didn't want them to fuck up his truck. of brains from this block to so so there's like a group of teenagers about to get in a fight in front of his house by his truck and i guess like he didn't want them to fuck up his truck so he steps outside to break it up everyone beats the shit and this isn't funny nowadays i think i remember it too everyone beats the shit out i mean like like intensive care bed had to go to the hospital to go to the hospital intensive careensive care. I think he's brain damaged. He was bombed up. He had a pristine brain before, which is a real bummer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A real bummer. And we're going to tie this story up with we're going to have a crab feast. Yeah. Crab feast to help pay for medical bills. De-claw all the crabs. Jumbo lump. Uh-huh.

Jumbo lump. Only. Crab cakes only. Crab cakes only. Yeah, he's only allowed tohuh only crab cakes only crab cakes only yeah he's only allowed to be served but this is why like comedy sucks is because like that's not comedy is why this is in

my that's not dude yeah oh yeah it is cool though where it's like where they are so shitty but you will have really good experiences, too. Yeah, there's some people that are cool, though, but the people that are cool are just the people that you would be cool with anyway. Yeah. It just happens to be their thing that you have in comedy. Yeah, you find them through that.

But, I mean, fucking, yeah, he got beat up real bad. That's a shame, man. He got beat up so bad it was a news story. That's real bad. And the picture that was going around. Oh, he was fucked up. It was bad. I don't know. That's like the part of me that like maybe like maybe

I'm not like a human because I don't feel bad. I don't know the guy. I don't want to get into it. I don't want to hear this. You're right. Here's to a speedy recovery for nice pick, Rick.

I've only had good words for him. Nice pick. Get that guy a crab cake sandwich. Soft, Joe. Yeah, soft, please. Mike, do you need any... I do want to say this. Oh, yeah, go for it.

Go. Soledad O'Brien. Started following me today. Me too. Fuck! Are you serious? Wait, who is this? God damn it!

I think she just follows a ton of people, man. Who is this? I'm sorry. Can I get out of here with any sense of dignity here, Josh? I'm sorry. Who is this? She's just like a second tier. She's a second tier pundit. Yeah.

She's cool, though. She's kind of smart. Deborah Wiener follows me. There you go. There you a second tier pundit. Yeah. She's cool, though. She's kind of smart. Deborah Wiener follows me. There you go. There you go. I'd interview Deb. We're friends on Facebook. Really?

Yeah. You think she'd do the show? Debbie Wien? We should ask her. All right. Miss Wiener? Yeah. After she listens,

she gets like an assistant to listen to it, like, mmm. No way. Yeah. My uncle is Ice Pick Rick. Yeah. Ice Pick Rick Wiener.

I do tell you what, nice picks sound so much better. Anyone who goes into comedy at a local level with a stage name is like, what are the chances that they're going to be any good? Well, that's how you have to let people know

you're a comedian. You put the comedian in front of your name. On Facebook. Yeah facebook yeah exactly it's the same way other occupations do that like hey i'm jeff the lawyer just you know what i mean people that would chance the rapper did yeah but he's talented he's very good i'm just saying how many the rappers are there though yeah it's a good point but you know like there's a lot of. There's a lot of comics on Facebook who probably have not really had a paid gig or consistent. And they work at stand-up. You work at stand-up comedy. That's fucking insane.

Yeah. It's just like... Yeah. That's why you're Umar the comedian. Sometimes I still have a full-time job. Exactly. Just as long as you don't listen to this podcast, I still have a full-time job. Exactly. Just as long as you don't listen to this podcast, I still have a full-time job.

That's how they have to bring you up every time. Come to the stage, Umar the comedian most of the time unless you listen to his podcast. Cool. Do you have any plugs? We got to get you back. I want to hear about your travel stories. I know, me too. I'm sorry I didn't get to those.

Next time. I would love to come back. I actually know what I really do enjoy the podcast. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. Yeah. You're a good hang as it is. Thanks, bud.

Good hang. I would love to come back. A really good person. Thank you. It's really nice doing your shows. I've never not had fun doing your shows. You're easy to work with. Thank you.

Everyone should go check out Second Saturday Shit Show. It's free. It's upstairs at the Auto Bar, which is one of the dopest fucking places. Yeah, it is. It's a cool joint. It's just a cool place Bar, which is one of the dopest places. It's just a cool place run by cool people. They bring in good talent. If you do anything at the Auto Bar, it has a cachet

when you tell people, oh, it's at the Auto Bar. I think they're going 20 years this year. 20 years in that location. It used to be Club Midnight before that. Mike really is, you are a sweetheart of a guy. You are. I want people who are good and have good shows to do well.

Cool. Yeah, I feel the same way. Absolutely. Thank you, gentlemen. Fucking A. And so, wait, what's your Twitter? You want to throw that out there? At Mike Quinlan.

There you go. That's it. It's that easy. Cool. Thank you for ruining me. I have a bunch of dates, but the two I want to point out are August 3rd, Gin and Jokes at Joe Squared. And then Josh and I are both on a show that I'm producing with my buddy Ariana. It's a benefit show for living classrooms, which gives inner city school kids learning opportunities through hands-on experiences in the environment.

It's an awesome program in the city. And we're going to do that at Church and Company August 5th. It's a Saturday. It's a comedy show followed by a dance party and it's going to be dope. Yeah. For a really good cause. It's going to be a really good show and it's a really cool venue. The venue is fucking amazing. It's going to be a nice little party.

I'll be at Magoobies this week featuring for the legend Sonny Fuller. Oh, that's this weekend, right? I'm coming to that show. I'm definitely going to. Oh my god, what's pod with him? Yeah, that would be fun. He's fucking great. Tell this story about when he pointed

at a girl in the audience. Wait, I mean, this is like every show he does. Which one? Where he like... Wasn't it like her butthole or something? Oh yeah, he has a joke about like i don't know the full thing we get we love watching sonny he's so fun we always wish i could book him yeah but my audience would hate it like he would love it though he would love it but my i would get too

many complaints i think dude sonny's fucking mad he's so funny he's another like super nice dude too but on stage he always calls people sir in the audience which i love too like guys and stuff for ma'am and he's like how about you ma'am say i'm fucking you in the ass right now and you're like say i'm fucking you in the ass right ma'am amazing that is so me i wish i had the confidence and then he just gets so i'm fucking you right and you're like jesus yeah it's so good so yeah i'll be doing those shows uh thursday um through uh saturday one show thursday two on friday and saturday and uh had a blast at artscape this year so anybody listening that we're at those shows those are so fun and uh thanks to summer cullen for putting it all together

love me some summer cullen and uh yeah all right. Well, I got to go. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram. I'm at Josh Goodurn on there. Dig Sesh Pod on there. Cool, cool. Digression Sessions Facebook site and all that stuff. Mike, you got to come back. We got to hear some personal stories about you. I want to hear some travel stuff.

And David Koechner, take us out. Digression Sessions, coming to an end. Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah