The Digression Sessions - Ep. 227 - Jess Henkin! (@JessAHenkin)

Episode Date: August 5, 2017

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar are joined by improviser and one half of Stoop Storytelling - Jessica Henkin! We get some of Jess's origin story, how she met her hubby Aaron Henkin, and we talk about the great state of Baltimore public schools! It was a fun one! Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, and Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher plz!

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. I gotta get a little buzz just to deal with Jess, so... And you gotta put it right on your lip. Yeah, just glue it to your bottom lip. I mean, you can do it like this. This high up? Yeah.

Close up. Yeah. Thank you. You got the air vent blowing your hair. You look cool. Thanks. I'm throwing my hair out again. Oh, yeah?

Really? How long? Let me get that for you. Oh, thanks. What a gentleman. Opening a beer for the lady. I just throw it. For the listener at home, I just picked Jess's boogers.

I got it. I'm a gentleman. It's like I'm a toddler. Uh-huh. I cleaned up your boogs. Is that what your pops call them? Mm-hmm. No, that's just what I call them.

That's what I call Umar's boogers. You have a lot of muscles going on. Thank you. Thank you. What is your workout regimen? I pray. I pray on it mostly. A lot of prayer and just good thoughts.

Mostly it. It was fun. Aaron said the same thing about Josh when he was doing the podcast. He said both of us are ripped. And I clarified I am are ripped. Well, and I clarified I am not ripped. We have that in common.

That's our thing. We like to look at ripped guys Look at ripped people and just be like, damn. And then just look at each other. Like,

word, word. Like that. You know what's funny? Women often get shit for being vain and looking in mirrors, but nobody looks in the mirror

more than a dude at the gym. When you go to the gym every fucking dude is checking themselves out the whole time the whole time and some people don't care and are really obvious and then some people like try to be coy about it but you can totally like tell my girlfriend in high school called me out on it real hard at the gym no no no no just in general about looking in the mirror she's like do you know that you pretend to yawn every time you look in the mirror and it's like oh fuck i had no because then you're just like that's totally perfect yeah exactly

sneak it a peek so but the yawn would give you permission yeah because i'm just like yeah like i'm yawning. I'm just kind of stretching it out a little bit. Oh, there happens to be a mirror there. It's funny. Some dudes at the gym, I've seen, I see this a lot. They'll just finish an ab set, and then they get up, and they pull their shirt. Oh, yeah, that's a good move.

How much of a difference did you just make, dude? You're not going to notice. And he's like, you tell me, bro. You tell me. Well, I think it's similar to if me bro well i feel similar to uh if you weigh yourself in the morning and then you go poo poo and then you weigh yourself again that does make a difference yeah have what's the most you've ever had i do the same thing too i'll poop and then i'll lift my shirt up when i get on the scale just for the whole vibe wait what's the biggest deuce you dropped?

17 pounds. What? 17 pounds. Oh my gosh. She's talking about her daughter Abby, by the way. That's what happens when you're like you do a lot of laxatives. That's what I'm doing right now. Is that a laxative? Well, it's Miralax

because I get back to like I needed to be able to poop normally. Do you take a probiotic? I take three a day and I drink Miralax three times a day. Is your probiotic refrigerated? Yep. God, I am. My probiotic is 60. What a good podcast we're doing.

My probiotic is $60. What's your workout regimen? Probiotics? What's the plan? Do you guys have, I feel like, so have you given your podcast listeners, like do they know how, and this is a term I don't use lightly, how sick this house is?

I think so. Maybe. We've described it. Yeah. It's funny, like different people, when they come in, their reaction to it, like we had, do you know Mark Joyner? You know him, right? Yeah.

He came in. He's like, oh, this is nice. All right. Some HGTV shit. I'm like, thank you. Yeah. It is like that. Exactly.

You've got the back wall splash here. Yeah. And it seems like you do like a regular jaunt to Trove, the home goods store. Yeah. You guys do fucking go to Trove a lot. I fuck with Trove hard. Yeah.

Karen and I go there a lot and get Beth Heckle. Her stuff is really good. We get a lot of her prints. They're all around here, which are really good. My friend Carmen owns that joint. I figured. We go on girls weekends together.

Oh, do you? Yeah. That's what 40 year old, 40 plus. Where do you guys go? Just like autumnal places. Like what places? Autumnal.

I don't know what that means. Autumn. Like autumn places. Oh, I've never heard that word before. You haven't heard autumnal? No, but English isn't my first language. Which is what I always throw out to people when they give me shit for my grammar and not knowing a lot of words.

When did you learn English? At what age? What's your backstory? I was born here. Why are we doing my... I feel like we should do jess's so we're really bad at well i mean now it's just like a casual yeah we're being retardinal so let's uh well yeah we got uh jess hankin here sitting in my palatial kitchen

yeah with my roomie my favorite tenant umar khan holding down the co-host seat. Boom. Jess Hankin, a very good improviser. Co-host of the Stoop Storyteller Series. Yep. Storytelling. Storytelling. Yep. Podcast and live show. Yeah.

Thanks for the podcast. It's a great show to watch. I've watched and been a part of. Yeah. Both of you have told stories. Yeah. Yeah. I've told multiple stories.

I have too. And I'm not going to lie. Your audience scares the shit out of me. I'm always worried worried i'm gonna offend them because i well you did your first time up the first time i did yeah then but the last time you did you knocked it out of the park i yeah and i uh was hilarious because man every time i have to like i've done other like weird like tell a story kind of show and it just makes my life feel boring you know because i can't think of anything interesting like and then i listen when i listen to like other people at your show or the moth i'm like they must make this shit up right because how

do you remember such great details about like some shit from so long ago right well there's some people you know like uh the theory is that the less social you are, the cleaner it is to have memories. So here's the thing. Whoa. Makes sense. People on the autism spectrum. This might be an outdated theory,

but the theory was that they could remember into deep, deep past birthing experiences because their brains didn't tangent off into all the bullshit that you have to remember if you're socially inclined. What? Yeah. I would love to see that research.

It might've just been anecdotal. Yeah, that sounds anecdotal. But so interesting, right? Yes, it is interesting. There is, I listened to a podcast, a radio lab, and they did a whole thing on memories. And the more you replay a memory in your head, the less accurate it becomes.

Oh, interesting. Yeah. Yeah, because each time you're doing it, you're adding a little more, maybe. And yeah, they have experiments to show how to, but I can't remember. But I thought that was crazy. Right.

And then so when, because I think people who put a lot like really put a narrative on their life they really like doing that i just i'm like no now i just think i'm like you are inflating you know just to make your life sound cooler right like a story like more deep would you say though that because you are a psychologist that you have um you're more inclined to be cynical about the human nature human nature the human nature is that a psychologist thing or just like a cynical person so yeah i guess maybe being a human if you're cynical then you're you try to figure out what's going on so then you self-select

to be a psychologist or a comedian or i yeah i'm definitely cynical but uh i mean whatever who gives a shit like the stories are cool did you ever like what was the worst experience you don't have to give a name or anything but like where you had someone you're like no that was besides me the one time but like man that was bad that's like not what we wanted oh yeah we had a life coach life coach to come up and try to like life coaches are the worst yeah oh did they just kind of do a pitch about themselves well they were just doing a pitch about like why this is great why what's happening right now guys was that the one i was on i think you were oh my god that guy sucked yeah that guy's dude it was one of the ones you drop so at their show it was a cool thing where like you have people that you've booked.

Yep. And then you have the audience members put their name in a hat. Right. Yeah. And then they are supposed to do a story. Three minute. Yeah. On that theme.

Yep. And you knew you were in trouble because he brought his own headset mic. Yeah. Right? It was just like that. Like Tom Cruise, Magnolia, but with short hair. Well, and if I remember at this show, I don't think, I think like people,

there maybe weren't that many names in the hat or something. And then, so this guy got picked and he came up and he like, do you remember what he did? I don't remember. I was so. He made everyone stand up. Oh, that's right.

Yeah. That's. And like for no reason. Yeah. He just made everyone stand up. Yeah. He was drunk with power. He was drunk.

Oh, with power. But here's another, with power. He was drunk? With power. Oh, with power. But here's another terrible... His friend's name is Power. We had, like, early on, we had someone get, like, super drunk and, like, visibly depressed while they were telling their story.

That's not good. It was, like, it was so uncomfortable for everyone. Goddamn, Jim Meyer, you know? He's got to get that drinking under control. Buddy come on. Get a psychologist. Not Jim Meyer. I love that guy. Go on a fucking autumnal trip. Let it

out dude. What are you doing? Do what adults do. So speaking of adults where's your girlfriend? She is in D.C. She works in D.C. and she's currently stuck at Union Station station oh yeah the traffic's terrible because of storms yeah and she takes the mark every day and she hates that it's a nightmare for her because that random stuff will happen where the train will stop working or

they're like oh we're delayed they don't tell you why so yeah she's hating life i'm like i work from home she's like well i hope you die like oh good wait are you you're not social security i am but we get to telework two days a week. What the fudge? Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty nice. You can cuss on here.

Yeah. I don't think your kids are ever going to hear this. No, I'm allowed to say what the fudge. You are. Oh, totally. Totally. Do you guys bleep the podcast? I think you do, right?

You know, I can't remember. I think that we just give the indicator that it's explicit at times. Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. We try not to have a potty mouth. That's a funny NPR thing where like every time I listen to a podcast, they're like, and just a quick warning,

there's some foul language. So if we do have the edited version, like what piece of shit like is like, you know what? I don't want to hear this. I'm going to go. Umar, piece of fudge.

Oh yeah. Please. Like, I guess if you want to listen with your kids, other than that like if you're in a grown adult and you can't hear cuss words like yeah my god you're you deserve trump like you know what i mean you deserve yeah you're mike pence oh my god oh yeah he doesn't cuss no that guy that motherfucker doesn't whoa damn thing hey he's our vice president he's respectful of all women respect you're very Oh yeah, he doesn't cuss. No, that guy. That motherfucker doesn't say a goddamn thing. Hey, he's our vice president. He's respectful of all women.

You're very disrespectful towards this administration on Facebook. I really am. I have a constant anger. You think you can do their job? Huh? You think you can do their job? Huh? Show some respect.

I do. I do think I do a good job. Because I work during the day for Baltimore City Public School. So I know a thing or two about a thing or two. You know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, I like that. That's a good campaign slogan right there.

A thing or two about a thing or two. Oh, there it is. That'll work for 2020, too. There's two twos in there. Oh, I like this. Yeah, Jess and Aaron. Uh-huh. This is where the campaign.

First female president, you know, and then get Aaron Hinken. Yeah. As what? VP. He's your VP. Yeah, I guess, and get Aaron Hinken. Yeah. VP. Yeah. I guess he would be my VP. That's yeah. That works.

Yeah. You guys would be like the really sweet version of house of cards because you're married, but your president and vice president. Yeah. Yeah. The only thing you're scamming on is like where you're going to go get dinner that night or something.

You should ask, uh, Jess, what her, cause we asked, did you listen to aaron's i did so well now it's like tape but i would want to know like so he gave us his perspective on how because you guys are like a cool couple like i think they've been voted like baltimore's coolest couple yeah like i kind of hope that like i can still do like it seems like you guys still get to do cool creative things and have a family which is like what i would like to do but it seems like

they're impossible but you guys make it work and his theory kind of made me sad on how it works so well because we give each other space tons of space yeah tons well he said you guys never see we very rarely see each other and it's funny yeah we spend our priority is like our work our artistic life uh not like artistic but just like having something to do that's passion and yeah outlets and then uh our kids and then you know we i think we both were in our 20s and some, no, in our 20s, because we met when we were 28, right? Yeah.

We were just like so, we were both probably the people that were just always in relationships and always that way. So I think it was in some ways to have this gradual, like not to use an education term, but a gradual release of just like, hey, we don't have to be like. That's an education term? Yeah, every time I come, I'm like, that was a gradual release of just like, hey. That's an education term? Yeah, every time I come, I'm like, that was a gradual release.

There's premature release. There's gradual. Is that how that works? Yeah, yeah. Premature release? No, okay. What? I've never heard the term gradual release. Oh, you haven't? No, I'm not a teacher.

Oh, Omar's not doing too good in the bedroom. Baby, did you have a gradual release? It's like one of those like building capacity. Oh, like a systems change term? Aphorisms, yes. I don't believe in systems change. Yes. But I think after we had had a certain amount of time together,

invested with each other and realized like, okay, so you're going to let me be me and you're not going to be weird or emotionally abusive or withholding. Once we realized we were both at a place where we wanted to just be nice to the majority of people around us including our significant other and our children and yeah wanted to not have a bunch of like drama yeah uh and we also just realized like it's easier to be monogamous in some ways i mean like i know it sounds really boring but in no it realized like it's easier to be monogamous in some ways. I mean, like I know it sounds really boring, but in many...

No, it doesn't. I don't think it sounds boring at all. It sounds amazing. It's very... So I think then that's when we were able to trust that like we could do a bunch of stuff and the other person would still be there like checking and be like, hey, what's up? How long did that take to get there? It took a while.

Like so the first couple of years I was... And then just aim it like this like this yeah well you can bring it down yeah um first couple years i was still like uh you know needy you know and like and won a lot of reassurance worried about like like, you know, is this like all this stuff that you worry about? Like, you know, are you, is this okay? Are you going to really be okay with me? Like, are you ready to settle? Are you for sure ready to settle?

Do you really love me? Yeah. All that stuff. And then, then we get married and then I had like some vestigial of that, but it was mostly like starting i was like oh it's first time i'm married it's good it was the second time he was married oh he didn't mention that holy shit he didn't say that at all yeah and you know what a piece of so much i'm gonna tell you something that's very funny his first wife is named Jessica. Oof. That gets better. You murdered her.

The person who he dated between me and his first wife was named Jessica. No. Yes. Wow. And then the only time that we've had like a, like, oh, I'm not sure. Like there might be some stuff going up, going on, you know. Yeah. In our marriage.

It wasn't. It was fine. Was with a woman named Jessica. What what the fuck what crazy wow aaron jesus he's got the weirdest fetish he's got the loudest fetish in the world but it's a very and it's also very specific yeah very specific very because you guys went on a blind date and he was like yes jessica, I'll take it. Yeah, the blind date, yeah. So that was my friend from growing up who worked for, at the time, she worked for National Public Radio and came down for high school reunion.

So I was living in New York. I was 27. Okay. And I had been in the comedy world in New York. Oh, the improv world, right? Yeah. The Upright Citizens Brigade. Crazy. Yeah, but New York. Oh, the improv world. Right? Yeah. The Upright Citizens Brigade. Crazy.

Yeah, but I was there during the tipping point. I was there from late 99 to 2004. And it was already established at this point? It was super, super early days. So we were in the old strip club on West 23rd in Chelsea. So it was before they moved to the... i've heard i've heard stories that yeah they're basically like a strip club but like a really seedy one is where they moved in so and then dudes did not know that there was now like an improv wacky theater and so you would see guys walk in that looked really sketchy uh uh no pun

intended but uh they would walk in and they like look weird like man this guy wants to watch comedy and then he'd sit down in the show. It's like oh no, this is not like I was here for strippers and they're like asking for a location like I gotta white dudes and cargo short exactly. Yeah

old Navy T's. Uh-huh. This is not what this place used to be. Is this under new management? Yeah. What is this? This sucks. That's awesome. Yeah.

Jessica walks out, there's like a monologue. So, no. So, and I, so, yeah, that was my world. And I had just got, like everyone, I dated a bunch and then I was in a serious relationship. Yeah. like everyone I dated a bunch and then I was in a serious relationship and everyone that I was around was like like a comedian very male

very funny very bitty very intelligent fast I like that and then September 11th happened and New York was like

trickier then some people call that the ultimate bit yeah my people call it that Omar's people what did you say I just want to do a bit

they're on the plane alright we're doing a bit you know it's funny when I was recently in North Carolina and I was meeting up with a good friend of mine Jessie Sue and her mom and aunt were also in town we were meeting up and so she met up with me first

and she was like okay I, I got to warn you. My mom is the most liberal person ever. She's so liberal. She's like very progressive, hates Trump, blah, blah, blah. But she's very snarky. So if she makes a terrorist joke, like just please. It's just like it's fine. I've only dated white women in literally every family member.

Every family of a white chick I've dated has always made a terrorist. Are you serious? Every single one. It happens all the time. White people are such assholes. It's okay. They're coming from a good place. They're just trying to relate to you.

You know what it is? Most people aren't funny. It's an easy joke to reach for. That's what it is. It people aren't funny. Yeah. So it's an easy joke to reach for. That's what it is. It's not a joke, though. That's how I see it, you know? Or like, I remember one time I was at the beach with like a girlfriend's family, and they just, I was the only not white person there.

Yeah. And they just kept making jokes about me being the help, and I was like, okay, this one's getting a little weird. Holy cow. Yeah. Because I remember I was sleeping up or something because I'm like considerate. And I was just like, holy shit.

From like super crunchy granola-y, like liberal fucking people. Yeah. So apparently that's like the worst, the most insidious racist. Really? Yeah. What makes you say that?

No, so it's just like a funny theory. Well, I guess it's the, uh, uh, get out theory, right? Like those guys,

like, Oh, that you're trying to hide your insidiousness with the Southerner. Like, but yeah, not even like hide it. Yeah. In a way of like identifying,

like, you know, they're like, Hey, Tiger Woods. And they're like, what the fuck? You know,

it's like, have you seen it? Yeah, I loved it. I don't know. Maybe I just need to not have that perspective to get through life. I honestly just think they're like well-intentioned people who don't know how to be funny. They're just ham-fisted in their comedy. Yeah, I think that's what it is. I think it's a little bit of both.

It's definitely fucked up, but I don't think they mean any ill will. It's just... A lot of it's just a lack of exposure probably to people who aren't like them. Yeah. Right? You know? You grew up in Catonsville, right?

Yeah. Catonsville's very diverse. Yeah. That was Jess's way of saying, you ain't from here, are you? Where are you actually from? No, no. That's not.

Wait, hold on. So, oh, wait. Sorry. I sidetracked this story. September 11th happened. Yeah. Then my friend, I came down. That's a weird way.

September 11th happened. Just staring at me in the eyes. Wow. Yeah. Why are you looking at a hoopla? Where are you from? September 11th happened. Were you in New York?

Were you doing a bit? Is this the bit? Anyway, I came down from my 10-year high school reunion. Here? In Annapolis because I was living in New York and my friend Andy was like, I have someone I'd like to set you up on a date with

and I was like, that's insulting because I don't know if you realize this, but I'm kind of a big deal. Damn. That's what I... Yeah. Hanging out with you peons down by the harbor.

Well, it was in Annapolis, so it was especially harboring. Oh, definitely. Definitely. Sure. You're like, what are we going to go to? Acme? What?

That's a place in downtown Annapolis. It is. That's a good place. Oh, is it? Yeah. I never go there total that's where the chodes hang out uh-huh and then maybe

we'll go to chick and ruth's i used to work there in high school did you what what about them free pickles you ever yeah i wouldn't maybe eat them well me and my friends used to take them then we would get on top of buildings and throw them off

the bill rebels yeah it was like the dumbest prank like kids i know we're tossing pickles it's something too that like if you get hit with a pickle you're like what the god like it doesn't really ruin your day it's just like why how yeah where did the pickle come from from the sky it's such a thick pickle yeah it's a thick pickle yeah yeah could have hurt i don't know we were wild kids we're doing a bit sorry yeah so yeah you're down there in in the harbor your friend suggests that they have a person for you yep and i felt that was yes but she because because i she was like you must be miserable yeah it was like a an assumption that i needed help. Oh, interesting. Because you were 28, right?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, 27. And I was just very much like, you know what? No, I'm good. I was actually living alone in Brooklyn. I had this nice apartment. I was finally kind of figuring stuff out.

Wait, what was your rent in 99 in Brooklyn? No, so at that time, it was 2003. But I had found this great apartment. It was $900 a month. Oh, my. Whoa. For one bedroom. It was like, I oh my whoa for one bedroom it was like i gave that up for aaron hanging wow it was a beautiful apartment damn yeah what neighborhood

so it was uh i think at the time i can't hear it didn't even have a name it was the fort hamilton stop on the f train so like right past park slope to past park slope. Gotcha. Gotcha. It was very like, there's no way it's $900. Oh, I know. Yeah. No, no,

no. So yeah. So then I'm, you know, I meet up with Aaron and I, uh, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, first I capitulated. I was like, fine.

I will do this. Like I gave in. I was like, you know, I'll do, I'll get, I'll read a fucking book. I'm like,

go ahead. The adults will talk for a while. I was like, I was like, okay, you know, I'll do, I'll get, I'll. Read a fucking book and work. Go ahead. The adults will talk for a while. I was like, epitome, you piece of shit. This guy fucking thought epitome was epitome. Look at how it's spelled. I mean, come on. Anyway, go ahead. Sorry.

Go ahead, Josh. Sorry. As I was saying, Josh. I apologize. I apologize for this guy. I don't know where he's from. I don't know. No one knows.

So. 9-11 happened and he showed up. 9-11 happened. So we meet at the Helmand. An Afghani restaurant. Oh my God. Afghani. It is an Afghani.

Yeah. That's where all the. The brother of the president of. Iraq at the time. No, Afghan. Afghanistan? Karzai. Oh, yeah. That's where they funnel in the opium is through the Hellman. Yep, that's exactly right. That's exactly what that

restaurant's for. Literally somebody told me. Not for the Kato Borani. I think my dad told me that. It's not true. Okay. I don't believe most things he says. Because that would be such a small, like obvious location to funnel opium. Yeah, you're right.

It's like a tiny restaurant in Mount Vernon. And I don't know why I'm shitting on you. I fucking love it. And like you have a whole, you have industrial like seaports in Baltimore where no one's paying attention. And yet you want to funnel in opium in like a tiny like well.

Oh, sounds like a tiny well. Sounds like the perfect crime. Right? See, no one would fucking expect it. No one suspects that. When I buy opium, I usually go out. Go ahead. No. Have I ever done opium?

Yeah. No. I also work for Baltimore City Public Schools, so I don't want to openly talk about what I do. Now it sounds like you do it all the time. Just say no. No, I don't do opium. I've never done opium.

I don't know why. I reserve comment for that. I'm publicly employed by the city. But no one gets this deep. No one who doesn't already know what my life is like gets this deep into a podcast. I like that there's an employee that has to listen to all your podcasts. They're just the first five if he mentions the first five he's

really fucking up there are a couple people who would love for me to not be there that's how that that's how the entire system works it's so political you've got you you you in our school system it is so easy to make these bizarre enemies where you're like, how are you my enemy? Oh, well, that's most of our listenership. It went through the roof when Umar joined the podcast. All these hate listeners. It's like half of our listeners now. It's amazing.

They're like, make more terrorist jokes. Keep them coming. Yeah. Wait. So I don't know. Okay. So someone who is very well known just left the school system. Right.

Yeah. And, uh, I'm not a fan of that dude. Are we allowed to like openly talk about him yet? No, I don't think so. Okay.

Nevermind. Yeah. All right. Let's just keep going. Yeah. No, especially if you, yeah,

I would advise against that. Okay. We'll talk after. I've never done opium and I love that guy. You know who it is, dude. Everyone knows who it is. And it's like, we'll talk after. I've never done opium and I love that guy. You know who it is, dude. Everyone knows who it is. It doesn't matter. I'm not going to say anything. Alright, let's cut

back to Annapolis. So we're at the Helmand. And so he comes in and he's got a satchel, like a male satchel. Full of condoms. And he emptied it on the table. Yep, that's exactly what he did and then he cried oh he went into a fetal position you saw both sides of him i was like this

is exactly who i want to spend the rest of my life that's my guy he was in uh an indie rock uniform sure kind of like kind of looks at once like a mailman and also like a greaser do you know what i mean right yeah because at the time it was was that still when like uh dudes are wearing like uh like button-ups but it was like button-ups that like people at like midas would wear or whatever yeah yeah yeah they would wear like shirts like that that had like i don't know say like bob they'd have like a name tag on them his was his he's very like you know he's he's not a conspicuous dude so his definitely his was like that but as if the name tag had been carefully removed um that's too much he was and

and so i was like oh he's he's cute you know i didn't think oh the other thing is that my friend andy i'd grown up with yeah she always had like terrible taste of men so like that was the skeptical i was like yeah i'm good so why did why did you were skeptical? I was like, yeah, I'm good. So why did you do it? Were you just like, fuck it? She's very bossy. She's a reporter. They're very aggressive and bossy.

So she's going to destroy you in the press? Yeah. Oh, and also when he called me to ask me out, he has that radio voice. Oh my God, I know. He has the sexiest voice. No, it was not. I got off the phone and I called her immediately.

I was like, how old is this dude? I thought he was in his 50s. I knew he was a divorcee. He worked for NPR. I was like, this guy. But you guys are the same age, right? Yeah. I just had no idea.

Really? You weren't turned on by that voice? No. Not when I first heard it. It just sounds older. It sounds older. Yeah. I don't know if this is accurate but

maybe just what i'm i picked up from your facebook post and your old pics like you were kind of like a punk rock yeah chick right like i was like i mean i know this is like a really shitty thing for like a for like you know like not that you're old but i'm younger like when you posted that you like fugazi i was like get the fuck out of here but i'm like yeah of course why wouldn't she do you were there in the beginning i saw fugazi when it was like a local fucking show yeah and then i'm like you know what i was like holy shit yeah yeah so i was a cool chick you know yeah exactly that's what i was trying to say i mean it's it's not i mean i was i was someone who just loved music and it's interesting this isn't a side a tangent but like when i before i

moved to new york and i lived in baltimore that was the only way that i felt like i had an outlet artistically was because i always loved punk rock yeah we're like yeah like punk so starting at like my seventh grade so that would have been 88 89 like super yeah it was a good time for punk rock in america in in maryland too because i because I saw Lungfish. I saw Moss Icon. I saw all these bands that you may not know. I don't know those, yeah. And Fugazi. Yeah, they were DC, right?

Yeah. Yeah, DC had a great scene. DC had an awesome hardcore scene. Bad Brains. Bad Brains, yeah. It was nuts. I spy. But when I moved to Baltimore after college,

the entire art scene was primarily focused around fine art, like maybe some painters, and then music. And it was male-dominated. So when I got to New York and realized, oh, wait, there's a whole comedy world, and women, it was much more inclusive. Even though women were still a minority, it was much more inclusive.

So to come back now and be in baltimore like many years later and just to see how much this world has grown yeah awesome like i'm so proud to be in the city right now and to you know be a part of this stuff that's happening yeah even when i started doing improv maybe like five or six years ago or something like that it was much smaller than it is now yeah it's great right now it's really like every year the festival is really big which is happening this week or when is yeah okay happening literally right now i went last night and i was i was also you know i you always i don't know if but like i'm i'm like as i sit down for an improv show i'm'm like, this is going to be bad. Like that's my first like every fucking show I do that.

Yeah. I have a show right after this. I'm like, no one's going to show up, you know, but we've already sold like 80 tickets or whatever. Yeah. I'm like, no one's going to come. I'm going to bomb. Right. Yeah.

Well, do you mean watching improv or you being a part of it? Both. But usually watching it. Oh, really? Yeah. I'm always just like. You don't believe in your friends? No, well, because I know.

I'm kidding. But like I, you know, you just, I've seen too many improv shows that have gone off the rails. Oh, yeah, yeah. For sure. That is my default mode. But last night, it was hilarious. I was really proud.

Great. I'm proud of Baltimore. Oh, that's awesome. And it's running, how long does it run for? Yeah. It's going to be all done by the time this goes on. I'll try to get this up soon. It's through this goes on. I'll try to get this up soon. Is it over this?

Okay. I'll try to get it up on Saturday maybe. Cool. Yeah. People go out to the Saturday night show. Yeah. Do that. I mean, we also have it.

Oh, yeah. We sold a fuck ton of tickets. I don't care. Oh, yeah. Wait. So where are you performing? Plug that too. So Saturday, my buddy Ari and I put together a benefit show for the Living Classroom Foundation.

Oh, yeah. Honestly, I've never worked harder in my life to put together a benefit show for the Living Classroom Foundation. Oh, yeah. Honestly, I've never worked harder in my life to put together a show. And it's at Church and Company, which is above Hunting Ground on Falls Road. That's a beautiful space. It's a beautiful space. We got every beer, all the beer, all the wine donated from local breweries. And it's all in our living room. It's all in the living room.

People come over. Oh, that was the Coke boxes. You have generic cola. Yeah, that's for people like my parents who don't drink alcohol. All right, he was saving that for the big crescendo. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jesus, Jess. Have you never plugged a show before? So we have to have soda for them if they want it. Generic cola, also my favorite improv trip, guys. Very good. There's going to be a food truck outside.

So the first half is comedy. Josh is on the show. And then right after comedy, we have a DJ, a drummer, and it's going to be a dance party. Yeah. And the event at Union is sold out. So if you're looking for a good time in Hamden, go to that. Yeah.

And it's hopefully going to rain tomorrow or Saturday. So more people will just walk out from Union to Church and Company. Exactly real quick sorry we're just doing plugs sunday uh sorry uh sunday we're doing the show called wake up it's a it's a talk show you're on it yep eric didorian's on it christine ferrara's on it and i love her yeah she's really good and it's and alex broslovsky's in town so uh him and i are hosting the show and it's like a little uh talk show that happens at 1 p.m at the bamf cafe it's a lot of fun yeah so yeah we do an old school thing we have like a house band and interview people and stuff it's a lot of fun what band uh it is uh our friends sean lata and matt pagan and uh they're the wake up they're the wake up boys they They're so funny. I love watching Sean's face

when he sings is it brings a little boy. That's the best. Yeah. So come to that. It's free and it's on Sunday. Eric to Dorian's on and Omar's on and Christine Farrar and I think we're interviewing somebody from Magnet Theater. I don't remember their name, but yeah, it should be

a good show because they're in town for the festival. Yeah. They are so good they're really fucking good every time when are they performing I don't know Saturday probably or Wednesday

yeah it's a bummer yeah either Friday or Saturday anyway so you're at the Hellman at the Hellman he's cute he's but he's

Monday I have a show no I'm just kidding and that's our time I guess he's cute he's cute but he's really skinny. And he's like pretty...

Okay, there's something wrong with that. No, I know, I know. But he's also like incredibly like maudlin. And I had been around, like I had been around indie rock maudlin before I moved to New York. Yeah. But then after New York, I was like, wait, I'm used to bitty and funny and fast. And maudlin's a little bit reserved, aloof. Is that what that kind of means?

Yeah, a little bit sad, too. A little sad. Maybe not to throw around all these shitty words, but like lugubrious, maybe. Just like a little bit given to sadness. Emphasis on goober. Yeah. Okay, got it.

Context clues, you know? Lugubrious. He drank a lot, too, and that was okay was like it was like a good amount of bourbon for like the hell mod like on the date he drank i've made that mistake it's not fun yeah like so i'm like okay there's some there's some stuff going on here but i i still you know i think he's fucking erin dude that's so cool yeah so we walk... Getting a little lugubrious over there, huh? We walk out of the restaurant. It's winter.

So it's like chilly. Maybe a little snowy. You put your coat around here. You're so skinny. Are you okay? And then he likes to say that I was really aggressive. He did say that on the podcast. Yeah, but I just gave him a kiss.

Like, what the fuck? That's not aggressive. I don't know. You should have sent him a thank you note or something. That's a little much, especially for a woman. Dude, when a woman goes in for the kiss, that is the best. Yeah. Because also, you don't have to, like, I always worry that, like, I'm putting someone in uncomfortable.

I always just ask. No, I was all about. Yeah. I think you have to now, too ask you have to ask you know i was just with a woman recently and she uh said that nobody asks like anything like and uh but i think it's crazy just to assume that someone's okay with you yeah touching like even if you're making out like you should ask if you can take off someone's shirt or touch you know it's a different generation dude i'm not that is horrible you're supposed to ask every step along the way that is like ansioc college shit yeah yeah no but it's and

it's especially when you date in like because you know i date like baltimore hipsters and they're very woke like you and i i agree think it's like that like a very healthy way to do it but it's also for you too because the next day they can be like I felt like this you're like I didn't know yeah this is what a litigious society will get you yeah you gotta be well I don't mean to I mean look I think that's great that women have that that is not how yeah because I have also dated some older women and they don't give a fuck about that shit yeah the first the first night karen and i hooked up it was like we were hanging out on our couch and she was just like do you want to make out and i was like yes yes i do it was

great yeah i've done it made it way easier but that takes away like it actually doesn't but we're animals we are like and i'm not condoning rape here let me just be very clear i don't think anybody thinks that i'm very progressive person but i can't wait to cut this podcast i'm not condoning rape but 9-11 happened he had a lot of bourbon you just like you like you like you transpose like first like we're animals you ask to do this to women just do it nike come on let's exploit children and women he was very lugubrious yeah you've never heard of this no whoa but i'm definitely like we like i'm definitely not because you're so liberal and progress i would think even

i would think even back nope i see what you're saying though. Yeah, where you don't want to be like in the heat of passion and you're like, oh, this is so good. Do I have your consent to rub the small of your back? I actually had a woman say,

I'm the only dude who did it and she said it was the biggest turn on ever. Oh. Well, I guess it's working in your favor then. There you go. But so here's the other thing.

It's like at that time, before... Do you mind if I come on your face? Is that okay? You ask it with like a stutter. Is that okay? I'm about to have a crutch. Before I even get to her face.

It wasn't very gradual of a release. Sorry. That's on me. I'm sorry. So I did not ask. I just went in for the kiss but I will say

here's this is a loop around to something I wanted to talk to you about is because at the time

that I you know when I lived in New York and even before then I was not on antidepressants and I am now

and Aaron has only known me as being on those and I what do you take same with aaron he's on something he's all right he's on lexapro but that i mean it can be both but he takes it for anxiety he said and some depression i guess yeah no i so i take i take lexapro yeah got a lexapro couple in the house yeah apparently but so i do think that i was a different i was like

not to but like i was much more just like I needed sex in a way that I do not now being on the antidepressants. And so I think. That's why I took myself off of Lexapro. Well, I guess, yeah. There's like a, wait, so you're off now. I weaned myself off. Yeah.

Is that working? Is that okay? I don't have a job right now. Like, I mean, I don't work in the summer. So. Sounds like an ad for Lexapro. I got off Lexapro and now I don't have a job. I need Lexapro again.

We'll see what happens when I go back to work because my job can be stressful at times and I'm just an anxious person to begin with. But I've been working out a lot more and when I was in college, I was never anxious in undergrad because I worked out like crazy and that is actually the best thing you

can do for anxiety. Yeah. And a lot of I think psychiatrists and doctors who are not trying to make money. I also felt like my psychiatrist was trying to make money off of me and it felt gross. Yeah. Because they would just keep like

they were like you should do this. You should take this and that and I would tell give her all these reservations. Because I also took Adderall for the first time ever. Because we have to write a lot of reports. And it was just really hard for me. And I was like, I don't think I have. You got pretty pilled up for a second. Yeah.

I brought it up in two seconds. And she was like, yep, you should take this. And I was like, well, let's just talk. But that's not what they were there for. They just were there to give you medicine. Yeah. I brought it up in two seconds and she was like, yep, you should take this. And I was like, well, let's just talk. But that's not what they were there for. They just were there to give you medicine. Yeah. Yeah. So I weaned myself out.

But Lexapro changed my life. I didn't know that you could live life like that. It was crazy. Yeah. Same. Same. So, yeah, I want to check back. But it also made me gain.

Well, also all like the good times and drinking and pizza did make me gain weight too. Well, somebody twisted your arm. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Josh does, yeah. All of those medicines make you gain, yeah. They do, yeah.

I've gained weight. But then, you know. There's trade-offs. Except for Aaron did not. I know. When he told me that, I was like, you piece of shit. Yeah, he looks great. He's a handsome man.

How long have you been on it? Oh, since I've been married. How many milligrams? So there's definitely, I would say, a correlation between getting my shit together, going to grad school, getting married, having kids, being stable enough to do that stuff, and being on the meds. Did you have meds when you were in grad school? Yeah.

See, I didn't, and I, i my god i wish i did yeah did you feel like you needed them before you got that like in a sense like when you were in new york and like in your mid-20s did you feel okay no no i was always the like i was always that girlfriend who after you would like come inside of her she she would just start crying. Oh my God. I was that girl. Wow. If that happened, it is unnerving. Yeah.

It's not cool, but like that would be my thing. I was the one crying. After I came inside of her. I'm sorry. Yeah. I just was like, I was, I like, if things got too, I just couldn't, I could not. It's too much.

I couldn't handle it. David in your 20s, did it. It sucked, right? For you? Oh, yeah. It was hard. It seems like it sucks for everybody and people don't really talk about it. I wish people just talked about more how shitty their relationships are. That's something I wish people were open about.

Yeah, no. The 20s... Thank fucking God I didn't marry any of those guys. Oh, yeah. I think the same thing. Yeah. They say there's actually a rule of thumb that you really aren't supposed to marry anyone you meet before you're 27. Yeah.

Yeah, it definitely seems like people get married in their 20s. It's a lot. It's 80% divorce rate. Yeah, the clock is ticking hard on that. Yeah, he knows. He does know that. Yeah, you got to find yourself another Jessica and just move on. a better jessica

and raising kids also uh way better outcomes if you wait until you're in your 30s to have kids yeah i mean i finished grad school before having kids if i had you know if i hadn't gotten that out of the way that would that would be it would be something i knew i wanted to achieve yeah that i'd have to like figure out how to manage. I can't imagine just doing that now. Like I meet comedians or no comedians that, you know, you see them at open mics.

Like, how you doing? I'm like, I'm tired. I'm like, I have three kids. I'm like, I don't know how you do that.

Like you have a full job and then have kids. Like I barely manage as it is like to have energy. Oh yeah. So I can't imagine going to grad school, working and then also being in charge of another human life. You can't imagine going to grad school working and then also being in charge of another human life complain around people who have kids no no yeah like when i go to work and like they're like and i'm sleepy and shit because i just like you know did a couple shows in dc came home went to bed late oh dude i stayed up late i crushed ben

and jerry's i'm so sleepy i'm so tired. And they're like, motherfucker, I had to get three kids to school before I came to my job. I was like, okay. Yeah, kids are no joke. And I'm rolling late and shit. Tell me about it, man. I'm like, God, how do you do this? And then it's like, when I do have kids, am I just going to

kill myself? No, you've got to get a partnership. That's the thing. You've got to get someone who's like, okay, we're going to do this. We're going to have these kids. And you do whatever you're going to do on Thursday nights, be it open mic, be it a yoga class. That's your night.

Yeah. I'm not going to call you. Your D&D podcast? Yes. Go do it. Because listen, so Aaron has, he's got a D&D podcast, and he's got two bands. He's got three nights of the week that are spoken to. He's got two bands? Yeah. That's fucking awesome. Yeah. God, he's got a dnd podcast he and he's got two bands he's got three nights of the week that are spoken to bands yeah that's fucking awesome yeah god he's so cool i mean yeah i know he's great

so you have your improv nights then your stoop nights are those your i have improv nights and then i'll have like one or like one or two nights a month out with my girlfriends but here's the rub break it down let's hear his mom thinks i am like the worst mom what she thinks are you allowed to be saying this on here she's never gonna figure out how no she's a huge dickhead huge dickhead shout out to mrs hank and thanks for listening i see you on them comment boards girl whoa that's fucking crazy yeah i know that's a whole other wrinkle to being married and then having kids like you're trying to do the best you can and then somebody's monday morning quarterbacking nope so what's her because she old school and she thinks that's your role she

found i mean i think she really didn't love that i went back to work after having the kids she doesn't love that i've got like you know know, that I. Hobbies. Because of social media, she can see like that I will be on. Which is also very misleading. Yeah. So, I mean, I guess from her point of view, it does look like I'm. Can you just hide your stuff from her? I do hide a lot of stuff. But it's like, it's a lot of like, I'm already hiding all of my political stuff from my dad.

So, it's just like, I have to, you know, walk this hide line. I love that shit. Just a lot of energy i have to do i do that with co-workers because oh for real well when i first started at uh at ssa um the uh we had a huge snowstorm that year and i didn't know where to get the updates so i was like just kind of drunk and we were snowed in i was like i'm gonna friend all these people to find out works canceled not knowing there's a dedicated website to this so then like you know i'm posting all my stupid posts and stuff like that and i'm like hey uh that was a little weird i'm like oh i gotta block you you can't be seeing that i've definitely had a separation at church and stayed there friend people when they

leave like a shitty well it wasn't shitty it's just you know if you're working with somebody you don't like oh that joke was a little off color a little blue you know what i mean so i just hide it from them i know that yeah right exactly have you gotten in trouble with for any i think i've told this story on the podcast i was like yeah i think i almost got kicked out of grad school for a joke i put on facebook yeah oh and that was scary and actually reached a bunch of people in north avenue i think i do remember hearing yeah it's you remember hearing that. Did we talk about it? You talked to me about it. There's so much going on at North Avenue.

That is like small potatoes. It was just concerning if it got to my boss because I used some keywords that would really not be cool with her. No, no, no. That was a long time ago. She's a chosen person.

You know what I mean? Oh. Gotcha. I think I can read... And then that 11-7? Yeah. I think I can read it between the lines. She has horns.

Yeah. She has warts. Horns. Oh, yeah. She has warts too, I assume. Yep. I assume. One can only assume.

So what is North Ave? Is that the Baltimore City Schools headquarters? Yes. That's where I spend my days. Gotcha. How I got there is like a mystery to me. Every day I'm like, how did I get here? You know what's funny?

Like your name comes up. So like Jess's department is in charge of programming for young kids. We're in charge of birth through kindergarten for all in motherfucking Baltimore City. It's fucking crazy. That is a lot of shit. So if anyone suspects something's up with their kid in terms of disability, they go through your department. Right.

So in Baltimore City, that's a lot of fucking kids. Right. But then also, like in the schools, we have to make decisions like, can this school adequately provide for this kid with this disability? And then so your name comes up in meetings all the time. Like, it's so weird. Yeah. Because they're like well if you

contact early learning aka for right now right hanken like you might be able to get this kid into a program and therefore out of our school do you decide is that yeah wow that's intense it's like so and the reason like that's it but like i came from kennedy krieger which is like great look kennedy Krieger is great. But when I was working there, I was like, why the fuck are there only, quite honestly, white kids here? Right. Like, I mean, that's what I was thinking. From well-off families and stuff. Where?

At Kennedy KKI? Yeah. Because it's fucking expensive. Right. But here's what I started to realize is that those families would get attorneys and advocates to basically skip all of city school's programming and go directly there, which would be fine. And then the city school has to pay for it a lot of times. Right, city school's pay is like, let's say a per pupil,

not to get too much in the weeds, but let's say it costs $16,000 to educate a student. If that same student goes to Kennedy Krieger, it costs the schools, AKA the taxpayers, 60,000. Yeah. Whoa. And that's like minimum. So why are the,

it's private billing. Why are the schools on the hook for that though? If they're not, that's how the law was written. So, uh, because when you do public education, uh,

it's like discriminatory. Well, the courts rule that it's discriminatory to tell a kid with a disability like if you can't like you know adequately provide that you the school system has to pay because then you're discriminating right but it's kind of a perversion of that to say

you know what I'm on the you know the kids are my number one goal and so we butt heads like our department like my department and her department butt heads a like our department, like my department and her department butt heads a lot. Well, no, but my, so my focus is always like,

they're not, like we have to try to keep them in what we call like their general ed schools in as much as possible because our system has- That's also the law.

Right. No. But we had a long history of just like punting these kids to different locations, but not to the Kennedy Krieger, but just to these like separate classes where, where it just,

they didn't make as like the progress wasn't as good anyway. So I, I, my, my like passion is like, Nope, we got to figure this stuff out first. If you definitely can't do it,

then like, we'll talk about the programs. But, um, and then here's the, I have had so many meetings where i've sat across the table from like an attorney and like a wealthy family and been like you are not getting this placement that you want that you feel like you deserve because

quite honestly you just you're you feel like you're entitled to it like your child isn't supposed to go to city schools because they you know they're better than that is and i have so often like had then had to see those same families at like eddie's or like sure whole foods yeah but like you guys are reaching for the same quinoa and they're like i know you think you deserve this quinoa and that's like for me that's like because i don't i don't work with those families all my schools are on the west side so that's true yeah so and so it's frustrating when you have a and you're like i like this this kid you know and then i feel like those families have ruined the process a little bit for kids who actually need it.

And so when you're with those kids, it's heartbreaking to look at a parent in the face and be like, we have to jump through a lot of fucking hoops. You know what I mean? Right. But then it's because those families have abused it, where it's like just because they associate they're spending a lot of money means that it's the best thing and not necessarily the case every time. And also like don't want to say i don't want to get too into it well it's not i

mean i'm not shitting on city schools but like there's a lot of and who gives a shit does anyone who listens this give a shit i hope so but yeah it has got a little npr yeah i don't care i think it's interesting i don't know yeah We got to wrap up soon for you. Oh, I do have to go. But there's a lot of schools that are specialized for like learning disabilities and blah, blah, blah. And it's kind of just bullshit and a lot of PR to get families to spend money. Right. Because the money is huge.

And like the craziest part is like people like, well, kids with learning disabilities, they learn this. It's like, well, you know what? Nobody actually knows what a fucking learning disability is. You can go to 8, 10, 12, 15 different doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists. They're going to give you a different definition. I didn't know that. So then, and like literally, if you read research from people who actually are honest, they'll just be like, ah,

well, we don't know. We just don't know. We don't know. So then your best guess of treatment is kind of like, oh, we'll figure it out. So that's why it like,

it's a trial and error. It's trial and error. Right. And one of the things about learning disabilities is, is you make either, you make really slow progress or you're really not going to excel in some areas and you have to find work around. So that's a true definition of learning disability. So then if a kid goes to one of these schools

and is magically making progress, they didn't fucking have a learning disability to begin with. Right. And then so there's not like a one size fits all either. It's literally a learning disability is just a way to say we don't, from my understanding of the research, is there are some very specific things

but for the most part it's like we've tried everything this kid has a good had a good education interventions access to like uh experiences that should uh lead to uh this kid learning yeah for some like but they're just not that's literally the definition of a learning disability if you even look it up. So anyway. Literally, it's exactly that way. Literally, it's written that way. Well done.

And I'm gay. I don't know. Man, we just got super. I'm so sorry. No, don't be. I thought that was interesting. I didn't know that. But that's just my take from what I've learned.

How did you do in school? How did I do? I did pretty good. I did well in uh in high school but it was ken island there's a caveat there i get a picture just a shit on me jesus christ yeah lower back tattoo yeah strung out on fucking Well, you got an A in tractor pole. You fucking idiot. Good for you.

Yeah, they weren't using words like lagoo. No, high school was fine. I did well enough where in my senior year I got to split time between community college and high school. And then my second semester, my last semester of senior year, I didn't even have to

show up. I just had to take community college classes, which was nice. It was cool. So did you just like hang out when everyone got off and like, hey. Yeah, I had my Camaro and my jean jacket. So I did the same thing. It was the best. Yeah, I did kind of regret it, though, because then I showed up at graduation and people were like, where you been? Oh, yeah, I guess I could have hung out a little more.

Also, yeah, I remember. And then my first semester, my classes were just bullshit. where you been oh yeah i guess i could have hung out a little more uh also yeah i remember so that and then my first semester my classes were just bullshit i took uh exercise in the morning no no no this is high school in high school i did this these are my high school classes so first period was exercise and then that's what it was called literally exercise and then fourth fourth period was piano yeah no it was like 80s style like the uh like jazzercise stuff yeah and my god like you put like the steps and shit oh yeah yeah amazing well not like steps but she had like leg warmers on and spandex and it was like it wasn't really like running it was just like we're like angry dancing but wait was it to new country

no it was a lot of like 80s stuff. You could tell that that was like when my teacher got into it. And I thought we had an understanding. I was like, look, I'm going to community college. I'm a big deal. This class. Yeah, I don't know if you know I'm a big deal.

I know where New York is. And she was like, you got it. And so like I barely showed up and I got my report card and it was an E. And I was like, we had an understanding. What happened? I almost felt the heart. Yeah, because you just don't care.

I didn't give a shit. And the guy was really cool, and his daughter had her crush on me. And it didn't help. Yeah, I can see why. He gave me a D. I was like, oh, my God. And you gave his daughter that D. You know what I'm saying?

Come on. My man. My man. Did you have consent? Yeah, consent for that D. You know what I'm saying? Come on. My man. Did you have consent? Yeah. Consent for that D. And then I went to community college for a little bit and I kind of fucked up a little bit. There's some weird family stuff

going on. Did two years there and then I transferred to UMBC and my GPA started all over, which was great. And then I graduated summa cum laude, a baby. Is that 4.0? 3.95. I got a B in art. What is it baby boom is that 4.0 uh 3.95 i got a b in art what is it when you get a 4.0 because that's what i was guys there you go but yeah magna right magna yeah yeah well yeah i graduated so i did the same exact thing i went to community college

how did you not get summa then what do you mean summa's above magna what really oh yeah yeah i got a 4.0 so you you must have got Suma. Yeah, I got Suma. There you go. I was also nominated valedictorian for my graduating class, but I didn't get it, obviously. Damn. Why? Because you wouldn't be here?

What do you mean? No way that I would get that. I'm not. Dude, the guy who actually won, he got not like he didn't apply. He got invited to Harvard to study. You know what I mean? This kid was crushing life. He came from

an impoverished background. I'm just a piece of shit from Catonsville. That's what the brochure says at graduation. You're valedictorian. A real piece of shit from Catonsville. i would have crushed that speech his speech sucked so hard oh it's so boring yeah yeah you would have been funny you know what you're doing you knew it so you both went to umbc right yeah but i didn't know i didn't know you i think i think we overlapped a little bit

but actually the first time we actually had a hangout was doing the podcast. I was a guest on your podcast. I remember that. When we first started with a person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When he was on the show. I remember that because I was trying to riff and you're like, why are you stepping on all my punchlines? Did I say that?

I was like, I'm just trying to riff, bro. I'm just trying to riff. Oh, my God. You're like, why are you stepping on? But, you know, I went to UMBC. What? What year did you graduate? So I graduated from College Park, but I started at UMBC in 1992.

I thought I saw a glow on you, a little retriever fever over there. I was in first grade in 1992. All right, that's amazing. Yeah. Wow. And we all ended up on this podcast, huh? I know. We done did it. In the comedy scene in Baltimore, thriving. That's amazing. Yeah. Wow. And we all ended up on this podcast, huh? I know. We done did it.

In the comedy scene in Baltimore, thriving. Thriving. Yeah, thriving. All right. Well, let's,

let's wrap up here. Do you have any stoop events coming up you want to plug? So we have a very busy season coming up in the fall. We have our first show of the 13th, no, 12th season, 12th season at this main stage show of the 12th season. Damn. The main stage show is at the Senator Theater. It's in late October.

Cool. I love that you guys do it there. Oh, my God. It's such a beautiful theater. I love that theater. Yeah. So it's Stoop in the Dark, and we haven't really worked out all the specifics other than we know that most of the storytellers

are going to be in silhouette, and we have one of the ladies from The Keepers that's already signed up uh to do it so it's gonna be a fun a funny night oh yeah yeah but so then i'm gonna move uh back so then move forward we have a mid-october show where you're doing a a benefit for um a tribute to barbara mccleskey cool that's so cool like female politicians hell yeah it's very excited about that and is she gonna be there yeah wow it's gonna be like to celebrate her career is she gonna tell a story i think that's the plan that's fucking nice yeah she has a building or no a conference room or some it's like a theater but conference room named after her yeah she doesn't

like that apparently though to have things she's very like you know humble yeah so can you i know some words i know some words well you guys also did an event where you had all the baltimore mayoral candidates well i don't want to put words in your mouth yeah it was like it was like their job they were interviewing for a job with the citizens but I heard there was a lot of like info like you know I'm not gonna go into the back story I was hoping for some good behind the story but you can only imagine the egos

and the jockeying for position it was a lot of work I'll say that but that's a really good idea for a show too of like you have to be human you have to be engaging you know it's not that's really cool tell your first job But that's a really good idea for a show too of like, you have to be human. You have to be engaging. You know, it's not,

that's really cool. You gotta tell your first job story. That's what it was. Wow. Yeah. That's, that was smart. Well done.

You know. What the fuck? Like, how can't you just, this is Umar, not Jessica talking. The listener at home is like, okay,

okay. I wish you would've said that earlier. You're running for public office and like you can't get your shit together and be an adult for one night at a really cool then it's like you don't want to go last well fuck up who gives a shit put your names in a hat like make it you know there's so many ways you like that and if they're all just like well i have to go for it's like you're a piece of shit you know what i mean you are a piece of shit. I am so over politicians. Okay, that is Jess talking for everybody at home. That was Jess.

You know, politicians are a really unique breed of human being. I hate them. I don't like any of them. I've never... I met somebody recently who's running for like city council. He's like such a piece of shit. And it's like so obvious that like you're just in it for yourself. And it's really frustrating.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah. It's a different mindset. That's really frustrating. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah. It's a different mindset. That's for sure. Definitely. Definitely. You know what?

Fuck them. I don't give a shit. All right. Well, if you want to listen, did you guys podcast that? Yeah, we did. Yeah. It's on our podcast. We have so many episodes.

Yeah. My stoop partner is like a ball buster. She's really good. Oh, I hadn't noticed. She never buzzed my balls. Nope, never. Jess either. Nope, definitely not.

I actually saw her at the farmer's market and I was like, I'm not going to even say hi. Yeah. I was like, I don't want to fucking be condescended to. Right.

Who, me or Laura? Laura. Yeah. That's like your church too is the farmer's market. You're like, not in my house. The Waverly, wait, Waverly 33rd? Waverly, yeah.

Oh, let me just tell you this. This will make me feel old. We high-fived everybody. Uh-huh. Yeah, I've been going to that farmer's market since 1994. God! Isn't that crazy? Second grade, everybody.

Whoa. That's insane. Yep, that is. Damn. That I've like. Didn't even know it was around that long. That's so cool. Yeah. That's insane. Yep. That is. Damn. I didn't even know it was around that long. That's so cool. Yeah. That's so cool.

Yeah. All right. Well, awesome. Well, thank you for being on the podcast. Thanks for having me, guys. We'll have you back anytime if you want. That's really nice of you. Maybe you and Aaron are on at the same time.

Oh, that would be dope. Can your hobby nights ever intersect? Yeah. Okay. I do the planning. I can figure it out on the Google calendar. Yeah. I'll take a look at the Excel spreadsheet

so we can toss around. We can bring this to your place, you know? No, let's not go that far. Okay, okay. Let's not go that far. I'm a lazy man, Umar. Lazy man.

Besides, my kids are there. It's not fun. Oh, right, all right. Is there anything else you want to plug or? Nope, just that you guys look great. Oh, thank you.

You guys, nice house. Wow. Good guys. Dream guest. Gotta have you back. I'm really liking this. I was a You guys, nice house. Wow. Good guys. Dream guest. Gotta have you back. I'm really liking this. I was a little worried. I'm not gonna lie about having,

I thought you were gonna maybe bust our balls a little bit. She's not Laura. Yeah, that's true. You're not Laura. We'll get Laura on next. Jess has punched me in the stomach before.

I will say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jess did really trash me in front of my girlfriend at the time's family at a show. Do you remember that? It was a compliment, but hit it.

It was like a backhanded. He was like, whoa, Umar was really good tonight. The last time I saw him, he was not funny. And he was mean towards women. I was like, okay, thank you. All right, let's reel in. Yeah, anyway, my girlfriend's parents are here. But that girlfriend was also my daughter's kindergarten teacher.

We don't need to say that. We don't need to. Okay. I will say, Jess, you were very funny. But that girlfriend was also my daughter's. We don't need to say that. We don't need. Okay. I will say, Jess, you were very funny and very cool. And a big part of the whole art scene here in Baltimore. So I'm glad that you're our friend and glad you could be on the podcast. Thanks, guys. So, all right.

That's a wrap. Listen to other podcasts. If you want to hear our normal plugs at the end, I don't feel like doing them. David Koechner, take us out. Digression Sessions, coming to an end. Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.